banner by Vanessa
Copyright November 21, 2002-October 11, 2004 by Matthew Haldeman-Time
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: JC Chasez/Justin Timberlake
Disclaimer: The young men who comprise *NSYNC are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.
“Yeah,” Justin said, and rubbed the back of his head.
“Bisexual?” Joey asked.
“Right,” Justin said, trying not to look ashamed or worried, giving his best straight-ahead look, the one he’d perfected too young when interviewers got too close to something sensitive; the one he’d had to re-perfect lately, after Britney.
“Are you sure about this, or are you just guessing?” Joey asked.
Justin laughed a little, not because it was funny. No, maybe because it was. “I’m sure.”
“Bi,” Joey said again, looking at him. Probably trying to figure out if it was visible. Maybe trying to re-fit the mental image Joey had of him to conform to this new information. “The guys don’t know?”
“Not yet.”
“Then why are you telling me?”
“Great, thanks-”
“You know what I mean. Chris is your best friend, JC’s your mentor, Lance is gay, and you flew all the way up here to tell me first.”
“You’re the only one I want to tell,” Justin said. “Hell, that’s not true,” he said, sitting back in his chair, looking at Joey across the table. “You’re the one it’s easiest to tell. Lance has been through it, he has experience, I don’t want to look like an idiot or an amateur or - - he’s a pro at this by now.”
“A pro at being gay?”
“I don’t want to fuck up or insult him.”
“By being bi the wrong way?”
“You know what I mean, Joey.”
“You need to kick Lance off that pedestal. And kick JC off his, too, while you’re at it.”
“Don’t give me shit. You have JC on a pedestal, too.” Justin went back to the point. “I don’t want to tell Chris.”
“He won’t... He’ll react better this time. He has to.”
“Why would he?”
“He can’t fight with you and with Lance. Just him and Lance, that sucks like a mother but we’re dealing with it. Him and Lance and him and you, that’ll split the group, and Chris isn’t that stupid.”
“I can’t even stand for him to look at Lance the way he does. If he starts looking at me like that-”
“He won’t.”
“He calls Lance a faggot. Behind his back and to his face.” Lance could handle that, but Justin didn’t have it in him to give Chris the cold shoulder like Lance did. Justin loved Chris too much, or wasn’t strong enough, or both.
“I’ll talk to him,” Joey said, and Justin knew that he meant it. “What’s your excuse for not telling JC?”
Justin leaned forward until his forehead was on the tabletop and his nose was smushed.
“Shit,” Joey said.
“I didn’t mean to,” Justin said.
“Why can’t you be hot for Lance?” Joey asked, probably thinking that it would make things easier.
“I am,” Justin said. “Not in the same way.”
“In which way?”
Justin sat up enough to put his face in his hands. He was having trouble making eye contact with Joey. “For Lance, it’s just a physical thing. We’re best friends, it’s not serious, I just want to fuck him because damn, he’s hot.”
“That's great, Justin. So for JC, it’s more...serious?”
“Dead fucking serious,” Justin said. He peeked at Joey, to check on Joey’s reaction and to see if eye contact felt any safer.
“Sucks to be you,” Joey said.
Justin groaned and stopped peeking.
“You talk to Lance and I’ll talk to Chris,” Joey said.
“I’ll talk to Lance and Chris if you talk to JC,” Justin said.
“There’s no way I’m talking to JC,” Joey said. “That’s between you and him. Are you sure you’re bi?”
“Yes, I’m sure, I’m sure I’m sure, this isn’t like...I don’t know. Yeah, I’m sure.”
“I’ll make you a deal,” Joey said.
“What deal?” Justin asked. He was wary.
“If you tell Lance and Chris, I’ll tell JC.”
“And?” Justin waited for the catch.
“And once I tell him and he comes to talk to you, you won’t avoid him.”
JC was going to have questions, and JC was going to want to make sure he was okay, and JC was going to want to do all of the supportive things that JC always did. Which sucked. But, Justin had to accept Joey’s proposal. The alternative was to break the news to JC himself, and…no. That would be worse. “Fine,” Justin said. “Okay.”
“Okay,” Joey said, and they
shook on it.
“Yeah,” Justin said. Lance’s sofa was comfortable, but he had this strong urge to squirm. Lance was gay, Lance was experienced, Lance had been picking up guys for years now. Justin had no idea where Lance had found the balls to just live his life like that, like when the wrong person found out the wrong thing at the wrong time everything wouldn’t be jeopardized. Especially since all of Lance’s family and most of Lance’s original friends hated the entire concept of Lance being gay. How did people do this? How did they just…come out? Except, how could they not? Denying it and repressing it and pretending to be someone he just wasn’t, it had started to fuck Justin up. He had to come out, at least to somebody, or risk losing his sanity. But telling people was terrifying. Telling the guys was easier than telling anyone else, though. It wasn’t like Lance was going to reject him for it.
“Well,” Lance said. “Congratulations.”
That was different. “Uh, thanks,” Justin said.
“You said you told Joey?” Lance asked.
“Yeah. Nobody else, not yet. I’m seeing Chris on Tuesday, so…”
A quick bitter smile-frown crossed Lance’s face. “Good luck. When are you telling JC?”
“Joey said he’d talk to JC for me.”
Lance shook his head. “Don’t you want to talk to JC yourself, and have Joey talk to Chris for you?”
“I…” Justin didn’t know how to respond to that without, well, outing himself. The only replies he could come up with in the moment were going to be recognizable lies. Lance knew him too well. “I don’t know.”
Lance smiled that dry smile that said his brain was on a particularly interesting track.
“What?” Justin asked, managing to sound not at all defensive.
“Nothing,” Lance said. “I just remember, I didn’t want to tell you I was gay, either. I had a crush on you, and I thought you’d figure it out.”
Justin forgot to shift nervously and just stared.
“It was a long time ago,” Lance said, giving him a look. “I’m over it.”
“Oh,” Justin said. “No, right, of course.” Not that - - man, the possibilities, if he’d known - - but it wasn’t a good idea to get into that now. Besides, he’d promised Joey he wouldn’t try anything with Lance. Joey hadn’t said anything about trying something with JC, though, which either meant that Joey didn’t care, or Joey didn’t think he’d get anywhere with JC.
“Well,” Lance said, getting up; Justin got to his feet. “Welcome to the brotherhood,” Lance said, and hugged him.
Justin hugged back, a little tighter than he usually did. “Thanks,” he said, and started to feel weirdly choked up.
“So, anything I can help you with?” Lance asked, stepping back, sounding ready to handle business. “Any questions you have, any advice? I know you already talked to Joey, but I might be more helpful than he is on this subject.”
“I have no idea what I’m doing,” Justin said. “I don’t know how you pick up guys, or how you know which ones to hit on, or how you keep them from telling everybody they just had sex with you. And I kind of thought… I thought I’d have to explain it more. Did you already know?”
“That you’re bi?” Lance asked. “No. But when I came out, I had to convince people and explain it over and over and over, and I got sick of it. Everybody’s going to ask you if you’re sure, how you know, how this happened. They’re going to start looking at you differently, they’re going to start asking you stupid questions, and you’re going to get really tired of straight people’s ignorance really fast. I figure, if you weren’t sure, you’d be asking me about it, not telling me. Nobody comes out on the off-chance it might be possible. If you’re saying it, it’s true. So, congratulations.”
“For being bi?” Justin asked.
Lance smiled at him.
“For being brave enough to be yourself.”
“Yeah.” Justin lowered his gaze, to make it easier for Chris not to look at him.
Chris didn’t say anything.
Justin snuck a glance in his peripheral vision. Chris was hunched forward, elbows on his knees, tapping one foot nervously and flicking his thumbs, tense, agigated. He was frowning at the ground. Justin breathed quietly and looked away again.
“I guess since this is November, this isn’t an April Fool’s Day joke,” Chris said.
“No,” Justin said.
Silence.
Justin truly, truly loved Chris, and this truly, truly hurt.
“You’re sure about this,” Chris said.
Justin swallowed. “Yeah.”
More silence.
Justin cleared his throat. He wondered what Chris was thinking. How Chris would think of him from now on. “I haven’t told anyone else. Just you and Lance and Joey. I’m going to tell my mom soon, and the rest of my family, I just… I wanted you guys to know, first.”
“Yeah,” Chris said. His voice was tight. He wanted Justin to shut up. “Thanks.”
This hurt too much, and Justin wasn’t going to let Chris kill him with silence. “You can’t - - we’re best friends, Chris, you’ve known me for years. I didn’t think you were going to celebrate it, but-”
“Yeah, best friends, years,” Chris said angrily, meeting his eyes in anger. “If I know anybody, I should be able to say that I know you. I never even knew who you were!”
“I’m still me! I’m the same person! I like men, okay, that’s different, but-”
“That’s a huge difference and you fucking know it!” Chris shouted.
“I laugh at the same jokes! I sing the same songs! I have all of the same habits!”
“And you fuck men!” Chris shouted.
“Why the hell does it even matter?!” Justin shouted back. “I haven’t fucked a man, I haven’t even touched a man yet, but the second I do, I’m not the same person anymore?!”
“No, you’re the same person you’ve always been, but you never told me who that was!” Chris was on his feet. “I thought I knew who you were, but I didn’t. You’ve been lying to me since we met, and you want me to get over that and be happy for you?”
Jesus, Chris, “I-” Justin tried to say, standing.
“Fine, good for you,” Chris
said. “Congratulations,” he snapped, and walked away.
Justin couldn’t believe JC had come all the way to Memphis to see him. He also couldn’t believe that after a long hug and an hour of conversation, JC had finally gotten to the point. “Yeah?” he asked, wondering how JC could sit that calmly on the other end of the sofa when suddenly there was this huge thing in the room with them.
“Have you talked to the other guys?”
“Yeah,” he said. “Lance and I have been talking for three, four hours a day. He’s been really great. Chris isn’t really returning my calls right now, but he’ll get over it.” He had to, didn’t he?
“He’ll be okay,” JC said. “He just needs a little time. I think this’ll be good for him. It’ll probably bring him closer to Lance again.”
Justin was flabbergasted. The huge thing had dissipated. He’d forgotten that this was JC, and JC never saw anything as a huge thing. JC was too accepting. Too open, too understanding. Life was life.
“Are you going to talk to your mom?” JC asked.
“Yeah,” Justin said. “Soon. I want to give myself a little time first, get used to the four of you knowing.”
“J, I know it’s not a big deal, but…” JC gave him a regretful smile. “I wish I’d heard it from you. Getting it from Joey was - - I hope you weren’t worried about how I’d react, because you know I’m always here for you. And I know you’re going to be having that conversation with a lot of people, but I wish-”
“It’s not, I know, it wasn’t cool, I’m sorry,” Justin said, breaking in because JC could have gone on forever with that one. “I didn’t know how to tell you.”
“The same way you told everybody else,” JC said with an encouraging smile. “‘Hi, Joey, I’m gay,’ isn’t that far from, ‘Hi, JC, I’m gay.’”
“JC, you’re not everybody else,” Justin said. “You’ve always been older than me, you’ve always been the best at everything, I’ve always thought of you as, I’ve always…”
“Respected me?” JC asked, trying to help him out.
“Wanted to fuck you,” Justin said.
JC blinked really fast, pursed his lips, and asked, “What?”
“Lance said I should tell you,” Justin said. “He said it’d be a hell of a lot easier if I just got it out of the way. I think he’s on crack.”
For a long moment, JC’s eyes were comically wide. Then he started laughing, leaning back, eyes disappearing in a crinkle of amusement. Justin tried not to take that the wrong way, but was there another way to take it? “Oh, man, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, oh, man,” JC finally said, calming down. “Oh, man. I’m sorry, J, that wasn’t, I’m not laughing at you.”
“Great,” Justin said. “Because that’s really what I need right now, to come out to my best friends and tell you I want you and then get laughed at.”
“No, I’m sorry,” JC said, reaching out and rubbing his arm. “No, man, talk to me.” JC slid closer, really looking into his eyes. “How serious were you about - - is this something you really want to do, or something you’re telling me about because Lance told you to, or is it something that’s just been on your mind?”
“I don’t know,” Justin said. “I wasn’t going to tell you unless it was a deathbed confession, so that meant there’d never be any consequences to it. When Lance convinced me to tell you, I sort of figured once it was out there, you’d turn me down and I’d laugh it off and we’d all move on.”
“I’m not turning you down,” JC said.
Rabid hope rushed through Justin’s body. He felt-
“Because you haven’t asked me for anything,” JC said.
Justin deflated in an instant.
“I’ve never wanted to have sex with you,” JC said, “because you’re my friend and I never thought of you that way. But if you want me to think about it, then I will.”
This was hell on Justin’s ego. If having sex with him was something that JC was going to have to talk himself into, then, damn. “That’s really flattering, JC, thanks. Again, I’m feeling a lot better now that you’re here.”
“I didn’t say I’d have to think about it for days,” JC said. His hand slid higher up Justin’s arm. “Two seconds, maybe.” His smile was suggestive.
Justin’s dick twitched.
“Do you want me to think about it?” JC asked.
“Yeah,” Justin said, and kissed him. Kissed him, and got kissed back, and that was incredible, in and of itself. JC’s mouth was warm, and JC’s tongue was, god, this was-
“Justin,” JC said, his voice a faint protest, his hands sliding across Justin’s chest.
“Think faster,” Justin said, unbuttoning JC’s shirt.
“You’ve never-”
“Faster,” Justin insisted, wanting to push JC down and get on top, wanting to get inside JC’s pants, wanting-
“Justin,” JC panted, moaning.
“Have you thought about it?” Justin asked, feeling hot and flushed and rock-hard, breaking away from their kiss to look into JC’s lust-dazed eyes.
JC was breathing rapidly, hands already pulling Justin back in. “Yeah,” he panted, taking Justin’s mouth with his own, sliding his hands under Justin’s shirt, up Justin’s back.
“Yeah?” Justin asked, opening JC’s pants. This was going so fast he was dizzy from it, but god, JC was live sex under his hands, hot passion against his body, kissing him like each stroke of tongue was another flame in the fire.
“Yeah,” JC said, moaning, one hand cupping his cheek to hold him at the right angle to tongue-fuck his mouth. Justin pushed his hand down the front of JC’s pants, feeling JC buck against him, feeding greedily from JC’s shocked groan. JC was heated and hungry in his arms, kissing him passionately, fucking his hand, and when Justin felt himself being pushed back, felt the softness of the sofa cushions beneath him, he just moaned, dragging JC closer, adjusting his grip and shuddering at the feel of JC’s hard, masculine body over his.
He didn’t know if he was jacking JC’s dick too tight or too fast, and he didn’t care. Just having a dick in his hand that wasn’t his own was so shockingly erotic, he didn’t care how good it felt to JC; it felt insanely great to him. He kissed JC harder, moaning at how good this felt, how right this felt, how crazy and hot this felt. JC was torturing him by rubbing him through his pants, making him way too hard in way too small a space. He rocked up into JC’s palm, moaning, and JC was groaning, and he kissed JC harder, and JC was groaning louder, and something warm and wet splashed onto Justin’s stomach where his shirt was raised.
“Oh, oh, yeah,” JC moaned, falling still, shivering lightly and dropping a kiss under his ear.
He’d made JC come. He’d actually made JC come. Not that he’d thought he’d fuck up; he was great at sex with women, so he figured he’d pick up technique with men pretty quickly. Still, though… Damn.
“Yeah?” he asked JC, sliding his hand back through JC’s hair.
“Yeah,” JC murmured, placing another kiss on his neck.
Justin grinned. “You’re sounding pretty smug for somebody who didn’t get me off.”
JC raised his head, smiling down into Justin’s face. “That’s because we’re taking this to the bedroom.”
Justin’s heart skipped a dangerous number of beats. “What?”
“Bedroom.” JC kissed him.
This was fucking crazy. They were going way too fast, and he loved it. “Yeah?” Justin asked, knowing he was grinning wildly.
“Yeah,” JC said, and kissed
him again.