Copyright April 2-November 18, 2002 by Matthew Haldeman-Time

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Thus far we've had JC/Justin, Nick/Drew/Brian, Nick/Jeff, Nick/Drew/Brian/Nick/Jeff, AJ/Lance, AJ/Howie, AJ/Kevin, Chris/Howie, and partridge/pear tree.

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashwriters.

Wherein Drew won't go behind Brian's back, AJ can screw anybody he wants, and could JC be mellowing?

Notice: First, read "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," "Rest in Peace," "Destiny," and "Together." I know it sounds like a lot, but it'll only take you an hour or two.

        JC picked up a bottle of water and went back to his bunk, drawing the curtain, closing out Lance and the world, secluded with Justin again.

        Kevin opened the door. "Hey. What can I do for you?"

        "Let me in," Howie suggested. He sat on Kevin's king-sized bed, one foot up under him. Kevin locked the door and sat on the bed, too. "You've been holding up pretty well."

        "Holding up?" Kevin asked. "Through what?"

        "AJ." Howie tucked his hair behind his ear. "It would be one thing if you and he said that you wanted to go back to 'just being friends.' That's what he and I did. But this time, he made that decision without you."

        "Whatever he wants is fine with me," Kevin said. "He came to me in the first place."

        Howie nodded. "That's true."

        "It's the same as it was when you were with him. He wanted someone besides Lance, and we were... We were within striking range."

        "It's not the same," Howie said. "AJ and I, it was casual, it was friends. I had Chris, and he had Lance. With you and AJ, there was no one else involved. It was just the two of you."

        "It didn't mean anything. He'll tell you that."

        "Is that what you'd tell me?"

        "I just did."

        "You were with him. You made love. You wanted to protect him."

        "Protect him?"

        "AJ talked to me." He knew that Kevin wouldn't stay mad about that for more than a minute. "He said that you wanted to protect him, take care of him, and...groom him. Like he was a jungle cat you wanted to exist in your world."

        "I told him that I don't want him tamed."

        "You want him to be as wild as he chooses to be, but you want him to tame himself, voluntarily, for you."

        "I never said that." Kevin's voice was harsh.

        "Why were you with him? He came to you. Why did you say yes?"

        "He needed the comfort," Kevin said.

        "Remind me to come to you next time I skin my knee," Howie said with a smile, teasing gently.

        "AJ was upset. He came to me, I tried to help him. I'm not the first Backstreet Boy he's been with."

        "No, that was me." Howie smiled. "AJ and I had a good time together. We're very compatible."

        "Sexually."

        "Sexually," Howie agreed. "When AJ and I went to bed together, we knew what we were doing. We knew what it would mean for our own friendship. But when AJ went to you, he didn't realize how it would affect your friendship. He didn't know what he was getting into."

        "He came to me for sex, and he got sex."

        "He got more than sex. As to what he went to you for..." Howie shrugged gracefully. "I'm not sure why he went to you. I don't know if he knows."

        "He went to you for sex."

        Howie nodded. He had no problem admitting it. It had been good sex, great sex, smoking hot sex, but it hadn't been love. It hadn't been Chris. Neither he nor AJ was confused about that fact.

        "You and AJ are very casual about what happened between you. Why does it have to be different for me?" Kevin asked.

        "AJ and me isn't the same as AJ and you. I had Chris. Being with AJ didn't disrupt that for me. You didn't have anyone. No one but AJ. If you're with AJ, and you don't have a concrete, permanent anchor to something or someone else, you'll be swept into him."

        "I was not swept anywhere. I wasn't swept into AJ. I've known AJ for too long-"

        "You've loved him just as long."

        "As a brother," Kevin said.

        "You love Brian like a brother. You love Nick as a brother. AJ has a different effect on you. Nick would never go to you for sex, and you'd never give it to him even if he did."

        "Nick's sex life is busy enough already."

        They could probably do it.  He'd sent Drew back in time; he could try it himself.  The problem was, he didn't know if he remembered what it was like to be a virgin.

        No, maybe he did remember.  The instant he'd felt the other Nick's intent, he'd been a virgin again.  It had been his first time.  Everything had been new, and even scary.  It had been the most...the most incredible experience.

        He just had to let Drew make him feel like that.

        But why did Drew want that?  Why would Drew want a virgin?  Why would Drew want him to be a virgin?  Because Drew had been a virgin for him, and Drew wanted to see what it was like to be on the other end?

        Nick didn't think that was exactly it.  Not quite.  He was missing something.

        Brian.

        Brian.  Sneaky pixie.  Brian must have put the idea in Drew's head, either intentionally or unintentionally.  How?  Why?  What was Brian telling Drew?

        He wondered if he should be nervous.

        He might need to monitor Brian and Drew's conversations from now on.

        "What?"

        "I haven't seen anyone around."

        "I can't have sex. I'm pining after AJ, remember?"

        "I didn't say that."

        "You've said everything but the words," Kevin said. "It's what you think. You think I'm mooning over AJ? We fucked, we're finished, it's over. Why does it have to matter anymore?"

        "It matters to you."

        "You used to screw him. It doesn't matter to you anymore."

        "I had Chris," Howie said.

        "That wasn't enough to stop you."

        "It was enough to keep me from falling for AJ the way you have."

        "I haven't fallen for anyone," Kevin said.

        "Something's eating you up inside. If it isn't AJ, what is it?"

        "There's nothing wrong. AJ's fine, the tour's fine, I'm fine."

        "You've been distracted since we left Kendig. You're only here half the time. The rest of the time, your mind is so far out there you're making Nick seem attentive."

        "If I am distracted, what does it have to do with AJ?"

        "You watch him. You focus on him. When we're onstage, you're so aware of him you might as well be in the audience, screaming and holding up an 'I want it AJ's way' poster."

        "He's a good performer. He commands attention."

        "I know you know how you feel about him. I know that you understand exactly what I'm trying to say to you. Why are you denying it? I know what's going on, and so do you. So does AJ. I'm sure Brian and Nick do, too."

        "Tell me what's going on. What am I denying?"

        "You're in love with AJ. You're infatuated. You want to be with him so badly you're suffering for it. And he's letting you."

        Kevin turned his head, looking away from Howie.

        Howie leaned forward to keep his attention. "You don't have to let him do this to you."

        "He's not doing anything to me. I'm doing it to myself," Kevin said.

        "You can change things. Make him be responsible for his actions."

        "He never promised anything. I'm the one who expected more."

        "It isn't your fault." Howie moved up the bed to sit closer to Kevin. "When he went to you, he didn't know what he was getting into. Once he realized what was happening, he ran. From you."

        "Because he doesn't want what I want."

        Howie put his hand on Kevin's knee. "He's afraid to admit what he does want."

        Kevin looked at Howie. "And what does he want?"

        "He wants you. He wants a steady relationship with someone who loves him. He wants something solid that he can rely on to be there for him. He wants to be adored. AJ has always wanted attention, and he's always wanted to be loved and accepted. He's always wanted that from you."

        "I'm not his father."

        "You're no one's father. You're Nick's big brother, my friend, Brian's family. And you're AJ's dream, his goal, his ambition. The day he captures and tames you is the day he'll be satisfied with himself as a human being."

        "Now he's capturing and taming me? I thought that you had it the other way around."

        "You're hunting each other. But since he's cut you back down to friend and brother, you've stopped hunting him. And he's afraid to hunt you. He's afraid of how close he may come to getting you."

        "Any way you look at it, I've scared him off."

        "You're willing to acknowledge that he wants to be with you?"

        "He does want to be with me, in some way. I don't think it's very serious. It isn't what he felt for Lance. But the way he responded to me in Kendig, I knew that there was something there."

        Joey came down the aisle, grooving to the tunes rocking from his Discman. He danced right up to Lance as the refrigerator door closed. While Lance kept talking, Joey started to bump up against him, turning this way and then that. Lance tolerated it, obeying his rhythm while trying to walk back down the aisle. Joey moved right with Lance, shaking his booty as only he could.

        Lance pushed Joey away, escaping into his bunk to continue his phone conversation. Joey grooved back up the aisle.

        Kevin winced as he hit a tight spot. He gave up and folded his long legs, turning his attention back to Howie. Howie understood his friendship with AJ. Understood his perspective, understood AJ's perspective as well. Howie was in the unique position of being, maybe, the only one who could understand the situation to this depth.

        "You don't have to let him make you suffer," Howie said. "You can tell him where to get off."

        Tempting, but... Kevin ran his hand over his hair, a self-conscious gesture he rarely used except behind closed doors. "That'll blow it up more. If he says it's over, then it's over."

        "Acting like it's over doesn't make it over," Howie said.

        "It can," Kevin said. He could pretend that a situation was a certain way until that became the reality. Kevin could put a square peg into a round hole, and make it stay there.

        But he couldn't control AJ. It was easier to force Nick to bend to his will than it was to push AJ.

        He couldn't control AJ, but he could control himself. He could keep himself in check. He was used to doing so.

        He'd done it for so long... It wasn't as easy anymore. Couldn't be as easy, now, that he'd experienced what he had. Now that he'd been with AJ. Now that he'd touched, tasted, known for himself, firsthand...

        Kevin pulled the tension back into his body. Barriers. He would maintain the distance between himself and AJ. He might even increase it. They were friends. They were brothers.

        "You love Brian like a brother. You love Nick as a brother. AJ has a different effect on you."

        AJ had backed away from him, cut him off. That was AJ's decision, and he would respect it. He wasn't wanted there anymore, not in AJ's bed, not near AJ's heart. So he'd never go there again.

        "Come, god damn it, come," Nick growled, slamming his cock deep into Jeff. He was seconds away from flipping Jeff over and abusing that other angle when Jeff came, unable to hold back a heartfelt groan, squeezing tight around Nick's cock, shooting thick white jism up their chests. Nick faltered, stuttered, and picked it up again, finding the rhythm, thrusting as Jeff began to relax beneath him.

        Jeff waited until Nick came, shuddering and rippling over him. He let Nick sag against him, accepting Nick's weight. Sweat provided a smooth slide as he ran his hand over Nick's back, soothing, grateful.

        Nick made a quiet sound into Jeff's shoulder. Jeff kissed his ear.

        This was the post-orgasmic glow. This was the quiet moment as ecstasy drifted away again. They'd have to move in a minute. It could never last forever. But enough of the peace of this time stayed with them, from one day to the next, to provide a sanctuary in the corners of their hearts. No matter what happened, the frustrating occurrences, the daily minutiae, the fights and the separations and the fears, still they carried with them the remembrance, the remnant, of this moment. Just enough of it to last until the next moment came.

        The way it was: *NSYNC would perform, the concert would end, JC would be high from the rush of it all, and Justin wouldn't get any.  JC had decided that it wasn't fair to use Justin that way.  Not that Justin had ever minded.

        Justin was learning to deal with that. But it left post-concert JC hard and aching with no hope in sight. And it took JC a good while to come down after the concert, without Justin to take the edge off.

        JC was good at lowering his desires. He could hold himself back very well, considering what he was like when he didn't hold back. But JC's regular passion for Justin was not the same as JC's post-show high. And he couldn't turn that one down quite as well.

        He'd be hard, his erection an unmistakable bulge in his tight pants. He'd be antsy, active, distracted, moving around with no clear goal. He wouldn't let Justin take the edge off for him. And JC did not masturbate.

        Justin felt sympathetic but left him to deal with it. Chris and Joey either ignored it or made a joke or two, depending. Lance...

        Lance watched. Watched JC work himself into a frenzy throughout the concert, knowing what the result would be. Watched JC come offstage and look at Justin with hungry eyes, knowing what JC's first instinct was. Watched JC keep away from Justin and try to distract himself, talking with other people.

        Lance made himself available. He talked to JC, about the concert or the tour or business or the club they were headed to or anything under the sun, to keep JC's attention away both from the painful erection in JC's pants and the temptation of Justin.

        Once they were standing together, and JC reached behind him for something, and JC's erection was right up against Lance, so hard...  Bringing back memories of AJ but nothing like AJ and Lance tried not to back away from JC, tried not to press closer.

        "Hi, Brian." Nick rubbed noses with him.

        Brian kissed him, running a hand up into his hair. Nick was still dressed, and seemed more friendly than anything, so it must have been a playful tackle, not a sign that Nick was more horny and demanding than usual. Not that Brian couldn't handle that. Brian kissed him again.

        "What did you tell Drew about me?"

        Brian thought about it. "I told him that you were young and very cute. I said that you were tall and big and-"

        "About sex."

        Brian squinched up his eyes, trying to remember. "I said that you like sex, I think. Um... I think we talked about how good your ass looks. And... I told him-"

        Nick pinched Brian's nose shut. "What did you tell him about back when I was a Brian virgin?" He let go so that Brian could speak.

        Brian wrinkled his nose.

        Nick kissed it.

        Brian gave Nick's question some thought. "I probably told him how sexy you were and how hot you were and how much I wanted you. And how I knew that I should say no, but I said yes anyway."

        "That's it?"

        "Nick, I don't remember."

        "Think really hard."

        Brian closed his eyes and made a humming sound.

        Nick rolled his eyes, waiting. Then he remembered. "Hey, what was the thing about the fuck-me look?" Nick asked.

        Brian burst into surprised laughter. "Oh, that!"

        "Yeah, oh, that," Nick said. "Now we're getting somewhere." He adjusted his position, resting more comfortably on Brian, in for the long haul. "Talk."

        "I told Drew that you were very, very sexy and very, very pretty. Oh, Nick, you made me so hard from wanting you."

        Something inside Nick shuddered with pleasure. He tried to play it cool.

        "Your pretty boy body and your pretty boy skin and your soft boy hair. Your neck. The way you looked, the way you looked at me. You wanted me to fuck you, you knew what you were asking for. It was so wrong, but I'd sin for you."

        Oh, god.

        Brian stroked Nick's cheek. "I told him how I kept telling you no, but you only listen when you want to listen."

        Yeah, true. Nick tried not to shiver at Brian's touch.

        "The night you came to my room, when you came into my shower. When I told you no but you were so beautiful, so hurt, and I kissed you. And I went down on my knees for your beautiful soft hard boy sex."

        Nick did shiver, then. He was older now, bigger, and his cock was, too, but he was just as hard now as he had been that night years ago.

        "I told Drew about the way it developed between us. How we wanted each other more and more, our desire growing with our love. The way you touched me, the way you talked to me. The way you moved... Your body, your face... Nick, I just wanted to fuck you and fuck you until you begged me for more and I-"

        "God, fuck, Brian," Nick moaned, when Brian rocked up against him.

        "I want you," Brian whispered, "and every day I want you more. Every day there's something new, something more to add to the list, another reason; the way you move, the way you look at me, it makes me hotter, I want you more."

        Nick tried to continue to rock against Brian for friction, fumbling at his fly. He got his growing arousal out of his pants and into the air, flinching away as Brian arched up for it. He grabbed at Brian's boxers, twisting them and wrenching them down. "Over," he said, trying to get their clothes the fuck out of the way.

        Brian rolled over, going up on his knees, Nick right up close behind him. He gasped at the first push. Nick said his name, desperate to be inside of him. Brian shook his head, eyes closed, mouth open, as Nick's cock thrust deeper, deeper, deeper. Hot, hard, full inside of him, deeper and more and deeper and more and then there, Nick, naked and within him. Joined with him.

        "You make...beautiful...love to me."

        "I'm going to fuck you until you're hurting and you're still begging me for more."

        "I want your essence to spill out into my body where I can keep it forever."

        "Let me fuck your tight ass the way I know you want it."

        "Every time my body opens for you, the way to Heaven opens. When I invite you into me, Heaven invites us into it. I can feel it, I can see it, and when you make me come I almost reach it, Nick...  It's so...so close...oh..."

        "I'm going to make you come so hard-"

        "Nick-"

        "-so hard your fingers bleed-"

        "Nick-"

        "-so hard your spine cracks-"

        "Nick, please, oh..."

        "Do you feel that? Do you?"

        "Oh, oh..." Brian came into Nick's hand, spilling over Nick's fingers. "Oh, Nick..."

        Nick was running out of breath, his knees about to buckle, his balls tight, his hand wet and sticky with Brian's love. Brian backed up into him, unexpected, suddenly meeting his thrust swiftly, and he came, deaf, blind, overcome.

        Oh...

        Nick blinked, deciding to pay attention again. He was on his side, spooned up behind Brian, still snug inside. His arm was still around Brian's waist, and Brian was licking cum from his fingers. Licking Brian's cum from his fingers, if he remembered correctly. Damn.

        "You talk too much during sex," Brian said mildly, sucking on his middle finger. A slight nip of Brian's teeth and Nick tried not to gasp.

        "At least I make sense," Nick said.

        "I make sense," Brian said.

        "What were you just saying?" Nick asked.

        "When?"

        Diversion tactics. Not going to work. "Just now. About the door to Heaven opening."

        Brian sucked meditatively on Nick's thumb. Nick's toes curled. "I don't remember," he finally said. Nick wasn't surprised; he usually didn't. That was okay. Nick said a lot of shit in bed, too, sometimes.

        When Nick talked in bed, during sex, it was dirty. Sometimes it was about what he wanted to do to Brian; sometimes it was about what Brian did to him. Brian's talk was romantic and poetic, about souls joining and angels crying or something.

        When Brian had said that Nick's sweat was as clear and sweet as the tears of angels, Nick hadn't laughed, hadn't made a smart comment. He'd just cried. But, come on, that had been right after sex, when Brian was holding him and saying soft things and running a thumb over his temple. One of those vulnerable moments.

        His favorite was the time he'd had his hand on Brian's dick, through Brian's pants, and he'd said, "Brian, if you come in your underwear, can I touch the wet spot?" Brian had come right then, right there, looking startled, like orgasm wasn't expected for another minute or two. He'd unzipped Brian's pants and lowered Brian's underwear, rubbing his fingers through the place where Brian's pleasure had spent itself. Brian had still been sort of shocked and open-mouthed, like Nick was doing things Brian just wasn't experienced enough to handle. That had been way back in the day, in the beginning, when the touch of Nick's hand, the sound of Nick's voice, was enough to get Brian hard. Nick could get Brian so hard so fast it was like Brian was the horny teen at his sexual peak, and Nick was the one taking advantage of inexperience and youth to play wickedly fun sex games.

        They were older now, and more experienced at pushing each other's buttons. And now they both had Drew to play with, and that added a whole new dimension to the game. And to their love.

        "Hold on, D.," AJ said, finding his phone. "Hello?" A slow smile, and seduction crept into AJ's tone, dropping his voice into a lower register. "Hey, baby."

        What? Who? Was this why AJ's mood was bright? Howie sat there casually, listening. And then he knew. And then AJ spoke a name, and it was confirmed. Lance. Lance! Lance? When had Lance returned to the picture? AJ had broken up with Lance.

        Howie liked Lance. Howie had liked Lance for AJ. But now he was torn, because he had seen Kevin's pain. In a battle between Lance and Kevin, of course Howie would choose Kevin. But for AJ? What if Lance were the better match? Could he champion Lance over Kevin, for AJ's sake? But was Lance better for AJ than Kevin was?

        AJ hung up and let out a low whistle. "Damn."

        "AJ, may I ask why Lance is calling?" Howie asked.

        "He's helping JC with the," AJ snapped his fingers, trying to spark his memory, "the Sweet Potatoes."

        "Sentimental Fools," Howie said.

        "Right," AJ agreed. "He's helping out on the business end. He called yesterday for business purposes, and today he called for personal reasons."

        "Personal reasons," Howie repeated.

        "Ten to one, when we get off tour and *NSYNC is still on the road, he'll be making a booty call."

        "AJ McLean? Taking a booty call?"

        "I didn't say I'd accept," AJ said. "I just said he'd ask me." He grinned. "Can you blame him?"

        "At least you're good for something," Howie said, and smiled back at him.

        Justin grinned. He loved that people wanted JC. His JC. He understood why people wanted JC. And he could afford to smile about it, because he knew that no one had a chance with JC except himself.

        It was different in this one instance, though. Because it was Lance. And Lance was their friend. Then again, Lance of all people understood JC's infatuation with Justin. Lance knew that he couldn't get anywhere with JC. So it had to be harmless interest.

        Justin didn't have anything to worry about.

        It was Lance.

        It was JC.

        He smiled, amused, and turned his attention elsewhere.

        "It's Drew's husband's lover. Call me back in thirty seconds," Nick whispered, and hung up. He stepped out of the bus bathroom and went back down the aisle. He got into Brian's bunk and said, "Here, hold my phone. I have to talk to AJ. Whoever calls, keep him on the line. I'll be right back." He walked away and waited within earshot.

        His phone rang.

        "Nick," Brian said.

        His phone rang.

        "Hello," Brian said. "This is Nick's phone, Brian speaking."

        Nick waited, nibbling on his lower lip.

        "Hi." Brian's voice was a shade less friendly.

        Damn. Come on, come on...

        "He'll be back in a minute," Brian said. Even colder. And Brian never sounded cold. Brian had never spoken to him in that tone of voice, and he'd pulled some shit over the years.

        He'd be back in a minute, yeah. Yeah, but not until Brian defrosted a little. Not until Brian got friendly with the caller.

        "It's going all right. Did JC send you 'Win Your Love?'" Brian asked.

        That was it. Talk about the Sentimental Fools. Good, good. That was bound to get them conversing.

        "Since our tour ends first, I'm going to get to work right away. Get everything set up as much as I can to get ready to go straight to the studio. I'll probably spend a few days with *NSYNC's tour, talking to JC."

        Hmm. Should Nick go with Brian, maybe see JC and Justin? Or should he go see Drew? Brian. Drew. Brian. Drew. Drew without Brian. Oh, yeah. That decision was made. He liked to play with Drew when Brian wasn't there, because it was a rare and wonderful thing to have Drew all to himself. And then, right after that, they'd be together, the three of them, him and Brian and Drew. Together. The way it was supposed to be. But, oh. To get to visit Drew, he'd have to make sure that Brian was okay with Nick and Jeff. Because otherwise, Brian would never let him visit Drew on tour. Damn. This phone call had better go damned well.

        "AJ's already dreaming up video ideas, and we don't know what's going to be on the album yet," Brian said.

        Nick wondered what kind of video he'd come up with. Nick Lachey in leather pants and shiny lip gloss. AJ prowling around JC. Brian having a sex scene. Chris and Justin, um, singing. Brian having a sex scene with Drew? Yeah. That'd work. Brian on top. Kissing Drew. Naked. With the sheets pulled up, of course, because children were watching.

        Oh, Brian was talking again. He'd sort of wandered off there. But, damn. He'd have to draw up storyboards or something and try to get the guys to try that idea for the video. And who cared what the song was? They could make it fit.

        Nick walked closer to the bunk. The curtains were drawn, so he couldn't see if Brian was smiling or not. That would help him know how well things were really going. But it sounded like Brian was carrying on a pretty good conversation, so...

        Maybe things would be okay, sooner or later. Maybe even sooner than later.

        Brian loved Drew's brother. Drew's brother loved Brian back. They should be friends. This whole enemy for life thing, over one (really, really hard) bitchslap, that was just stupid. He was over it, so Brian should be, too.

        He wanted to talk to Drew in person, but if he wanted to move this reconciliation along with any speed, he'd have to take care of it over the phone. That was okay. He could do it.

        He wanted to cut off this present conversation while it was going well. Keep it sunny. He opened the curtain to the bunk and reached in for his phone, taking it from Brian. "Hello, this is Nick."

        "Nick. Hey."

        "And who is this?"

        "This is Nick, the guy you called a couple of minutes ago."

        "Oh, you. Right. What's up?"

        "Every time Justin or I mention the Sentimental Fools, Jeff laughs. He thinks it's a stupid name."

        Oh, look, a normal conversation. When was the last time he and Nick had had one of those? "It is a stupid name. What you should be is Two Backstreet Boys and Four Wannabes."

        "Someone suggested Eminem's Wet Dream, but I think that might be a bad idea."

        "Pansy."

        "How are you doing?"

        "I miss your little brother. Is he still cute?"

        "Yeah, I guess he's still pretty cute."

        "I think Brian misses you."

        "You think so?"

        "Yeah. Last night when he came, he was calling out your name." Nick swatted at Brian, keeping him at bay. "He was moaning, 'Nick, Nick, Nick...'"

        "And you think he meant me."

        "Who else could he be talking about?" He put his hand over Brian's face and pushed, gently but firmly holding Brian back. "I have to go. Thank you for calling." He hung up and let Brian go.

        Brian pinched him. "You owe me."

        "For what?"

        "I was not calling his name."

        Brian was on the verge of being pissy. Oh, well. It could have gone a whole lot worse. "You were."

        "I was calling your name."

        "Same difference."

        "They're not the same at all," Brian said.

        "What is not the same about Nick and Nick?"

        "I would not be in your arms, making love with you, calling someone else's name. I don't care about the similarity in names; I'm talking about you and Nick as people."

        "He gives the best head."

        "What?"

        "He does."

        "That's completely irrelevant."

        "But very true."

        "Nick, why did he call?"

        "I wanted to talk to him. He's Drew's big brother."

        Brian held his hand. "I don't want you to talk to him."

        "He's Drew's brother, and he's in 98 Degrees with Drew, so Drew talks to him. He's in your new Flock of Fools, so you have to talk to him. If everybody else is doing it, I can, too. It's conversation."

        "I don't want you to get hurt."

        "I'm not going to get hurt. And if I do, it wouldn't be the first time. That's life. I'm a grown man, Brian. There's hair on my balls and everything."

        Brian's thumb stroked the hair Nick hadn't shaved off of his chin. "I know you're an adult, and you can take care of yourself. I just want to protect you."

        "Nick and I aren't like that anymore. We kissed and made up."

        "What about Jeff?"

        Nick made himself look into Brian's eyes. He couldn't flinch; it would ruin everything. "We can't have happy extended family love and keep him out of it. We're making up with Nick, and we're making up with him."

        "Things won't be like they were," Brian said. "I admire you for wanting to bring us all back together, but Drew and I can't help but have our guard up."

        "You guys talked about this," Nick said. He hadn't realized.  But, duh.

        Brian nodded. "I want to earn back the trust I never should have broken, and Drew wants to keep the trust he's never lost. We won't let you get hurt again. We can try to be a happy extended family, but it'll be hard. Drew and I... We don't know if we can trust Jeff again."

        "You've always trusted him and respected him."

        "That's changed."

        "It was one smack, one time. I've hit you. Drew's brother hit you."

        "I can forgive sins against me. I can't forgive damage to you."

        "You have to try."

        Brian squeezed the hand he held. "I'll try, as long as it's what you want."

        Lance walked over to JC.

        By the time the macarena had turned Justin around to face JC again, JC wasn't fixing his hair anymore. He was talking to Lance. Standing awfully close.

        JC was listening really hard. Lance must be a lot more interesting than Justin remembered him being.

        Maybe if they stood closer to each other, they could conserve resources by sharing clothing.

        Justin snapped himself out of it. It was Lance. It was JC. He was being stupid.

        He remembered when JC had kissed Lance, in Kendig.

        Howie went to the back of the bus and sat beside Kevin. Kevin ran his fingers through Howie's hair once, twice.

        Howie closed his eyes and invited Kevin's tongue into his mouth.

        Kevin kissed Howie harder, exploiting the erotic heat of Howie's kiss. Different from AJ, different from any woman. He hadn't gotten laid in too long. He should have told Howie no. He should-

        "Shit! You're cheating on Chris again?"

        "Go away, Nick," Kevin said, and kissed Howie again. Howie's tongue was lithe, graceful, and he wanted to run his hand up the back of Howie's thigh.

        "What's this?" AJ sounded pissed off.

        Kevin resisted the urge to fist his hand in Howie's long hair and tip back Howie's head so that he could kiss his way down Howie's neck. Resisted. Barely.

        "What's wrong - - oh." Brian, now. Was the driver going to stop the bus and come back to watch, too?

        Howie backed off, disentangling Kevin's fingers from his hair with the ease of experience.

        Kevin licked his lips, composed himself, and looked hard at Nick.

        Nick looked around, as though merely taking in the sights, and then left.

        Kevin looked at Brian next.

        Brian followed Nick.

        AJ snorted and walked off.

        Howie gave Kevin one more kiss.

        "-kissing Kevin!" Nick's voice said. "First AJ and Howie, then AJ and Kevin, now Kevin and Howie. If one of them tries to seduce you, kick his ass, okay? I'm not scraping Kevin cooties off you before I kiss you."

        "Kevin doesn't have cooties," Brian's voice said.

        "How would you know unless he's already kissed you?" Nick asked. "Brian! That's disgusting! That's - - he's your cousin! That's incest!"

        "Nick," Brian said.

        "I'm going to tell your mother. She'll welcome me with open arms once she hears who else you've been letting in your bed."

        "Nick-" Brian was cut off by a sudden silence.

        "Hey!" Nick's sharp tone came as a surprise. Kevin got up, sensing danger. He got there just in time to see Brian pushing away AJ. AJ looked at Brian, eyebrows raised. Nick was on the verge of being ready to throw down, if the scales tipped even slightly.

        Brian wiped at his mouth. "AJ McLean, fastest tongue in the west."

        Howie turned aside, trying not to laugh.

        "What the fuck is wrong with you?" Nick asked, and he seemed to be asking everyone but Brian. "If you want to pull this shit and play these games with each other, I still have to live with it, and that's bad enough. Don't bring us into it."

        "You're just jealous you're the only one I haven't fucked," AJ said to Nick.

        "I'm the only one you have," Howie said.

        "What?" Nick asked. "I don't care. AJ goes back to Lance, Kevin picks up Howie, AJ moves on Brian, you're all full of shit. AJ, maybe you should stay with Lance. You have a lot in common. Neither one of you knows that the hell you want."

        "What would you know about it?" AJ demanded.

        "Lance is trying to get there with Joey and JC," Nick said. "He picks the straight guy and the insanely taken, off-limits guy."

        "Joey?" Brian asked.

        "JC?" Howie asked.

        "I still don't get it," Nick said. "How is Howie the only one you've fucked when you were with Kevin?"

        "It's a technical thing," AJ said, lounging against the door to the bathroom. "Kevin only tops."

        "Oh," Nick said.

        "Yes, Nicky," AJ said. "That means that while I was with Kevin, I was a little bitch bottom sub."

        "If the shoe fits," Nick said.

        AJ took a deep breath, looked heavenward, and sucked it up. "I'm sorry I kissed Brian."

        "Just don't try it again," Nick said, and forgave him. "Was it good? Kevin, I mean."

        "Nick," Kevin said, warning.

        "Come on," Brian said, and led Kevin to the back of the bus again. Kevin sat back there, talking with Brian, periodically overhearing exclamations and bursts of laughter from Nick and AJ.

        "What?" Nick asked, pulling off his shoes.

        "Drew hates me."

        "He doesn't hate you," Nick said.

        "I don't blame him for it," Jeff said. "I understand it. I'm just... I'm sick of it. I'm tired of getting the cold shoulder day in and day out. I have to fight and beg and struggle for one civil word from him."

        "Nick's trying to smooth things over. Give him a little more time. He'll get them to forgive us."

        "Not forgive us, forgive me. You haven't done anything, and they're making you pay for it, too."

        "Brian's trying to be nice. It's hard for him, but he's trying," Nick said, approaching the bed.

        "I haven't noticed Drew giving you the time of day."

        Nick knelt behind Jeff. "Brian's only thinking about Nick. He's upset with us for Nick's sake. Drew's upset for Nick's sake and because he's disappointed in us personally. He's my brother, you're his best friend; he expected better from us. Since Brian's only looking at one angle, and Nick's encouraging him to get over it, it's easier for him. Drew's seeing it differently, and it's going to go slower."

        Jeff groaned as Nick's shoulder massage hit the right spot. "We don't appreciate Justin enough. He puts up with a lot."

        "He should have walked out on us a long time ago," Nick said.

        "Is that your phone or mine?"

        "Mine. Hello." Nick kissed the side of Jeff's neck, then sat back on his heels. "Hi, Nick." He tapped Jeff's shoulder. Jeff turned, listening. "Talking to Jeff. We just got to the hotel." He cupped his hand over the phone and whispered, "Nick says hi."

        "Hi," Jeff said, wishing that he'd heard Nick say it so that he could judge its sincerity for himself. He still wasn't sure that this budding reconciliation was going to work. He'd feel better about it if he could talk to Nick, but that didn't seem likely to happen. But wouldn't that be the point of the reconciliation? What kind of smoothing over could take place if he couldn't talk to Nick? The two of them were the central participants, after all.

        Nick stretched out on his back, listening, commenting. Ankles crossed, hand behind his head.

        Family feud or not, no matter what problems cropped up, Jeff was the luckiest man on the planet. He had Nick's love. Nick's first love, Nick's strongest love.

        Jeff was worried about Nick Carter Littrell Lachey, frustrated with Drew, and respectfully afraid of Brian, who had the influence to change everything. Maybe Brian was the one he should approach first, because Brian was the one with the most influence. Man to man. It was worth considering.

        When he got to his room, it was empty. JC wasn't there. Maybe JC had gone out after all. Justin went ahead and took a shower. When he got out, JC still wasn't there. He considered asking around, but he didn't want to be checking up on a grown man, so he went to bed.

        He didn't sleep.

        An hour later, JC came in. Sweatpants, tank top, sandals. "Justin." He knelt on the edge of the bed and kissed Justin's mouth. "I didn't know you were back already, baby."

        "Where were you?" Justin asked, feeling every last minor hurt and disappointment of the day melt away at JC's touch.

        "Lance was painting my nails. They'd started to get chipped," JC said. He stepped back and put a foot on the bed for Justin's inspection. "He did a pretty good job."

        "Lance painted your toenails?" Justin asked. Lance. Lance Bass, their Lance? Lance hadn't opened a bottle of nail polish in his life.

        "Yeah." JC was stripping out of his clothes. That was a good sign. It meant that JC was hornier than usual. Sometimes JC made out with him dressed, wholly or partially. When JC was horny, he got naked, and Justin got lucky.

        JC was horny. After spending time with Lance. Lance, who'd painted his toes. Deep, sparkling purple.

        Those were JC's toes, Justin's toes, not Lance's toes. Justin took care of JC; it was his job, it wasn't Lance's.

        "What's wrong?" JC asked, pushing the sheets away and sliding right up against Justin's body.

        "Nothing." Justin wrapped his arms around JC, his JC.

        JC kissed him. "I love you, angel."

        "Lance wants you." Had he said that out loud?

        "Baby, a lot of people want me. It comes with the job."

        JC had taken that remarkably well. "Lance isn't just a fan off the street. JC, he's our best friend, and he wants you. And you're letting him paint your toes."

        "He is our best friend," JC said. "You aren't jealous, baby, you can't be."

        "I know." He was being stupid. It was JC. His JC, the JC who lived for him, lived only for him. He'd wanted JC to get a hobby, and JC had started Sentimental Fools as a one-time side gig. So JC was busy and distracted, and that was just as it should be.  But the fact that he got less of JC than he'd used to didn't mean that anyone else was getting more of JC. It just meant that JC had a life, and he should be happy about that. He was happy about it. JC had him and JC had a life and he was not only stupid but paranoid if he thought that JC would give Lance a second look.

        In fact, doubting JC for one second was an insult to JC and to their relationship.

        "Don't worry about Lance or about anybody else," JC said.

        "JC." He slid his thigh along JC's, aligning their groins. JC was getting hard just from being there with him. Knowing that made his body respond. "Show me you love me."

        "Justin. Baby." JC kissed him, one hand cupping his ass.

        "I can't believe you're talking about it," Kevin said. "Do you want me to ask you about your sex life?"

        Nick ignored that and said, "Kev."

        Kevin waited. "What?"

        "I'm sorry."

        Nick sounded serious. Slightly sad. "You're sorry about what?"

        "I know how much you love AJ. I'm sorry he's treating you like shit."

        "I am not in love with AJ. He doesn't have to give me any special treatment."

        "You're addicted to denial," Nick said. "You're in love with AJ. AJ's being a self-centered asshole. You're kissing Howie, trying to make him jealous and get his attention. It worked. He's severely pissed."

        AJ was severely pissed? And jealous? Over him? He wasn't proud of himself for it, but he felt smug. AJ deserved to be mad.

        "I'm having de ja vu all over again," Nick said. "Seeing Howie kissing one of you guys, and then hearing him cooing to Chris on the phone. Like he wasn't just getting his tonsils licked by somebody who wasn't Chris."

        "Howie was doing me a favor," Kevin said. "It didn't mean anything."

        "Tell that to Chris," Nick said. "Let's hope he doesn't find out this time."

        "One kiss is nothing like when Howie was with AJ," Kevin said.

        "AJ says you're really good in bed," Nick said. "He said you're the best he's ever had. But that's not going to be the deciding factor in whether he goes back to Lance. I know for a fact that Brian doesn't technically give the absolute fucking best ever blowjobs on the planet, but you don't see me even thinking about leaving him."

        "What you and Brian have is very special."

        "Yeah. You could have something special, too."

        "With who?"

        "AJ, if he got his head out of his ass."

        "He wants to have something with Lance."

        "Lance wants to have something with Justin's husband's dick," Nick said. "Forget Lance."

        Kevin wished that he could forget Lance. He wished that AJ could, too.

        "There's another way to deal with AJ," Nick said. "You could try to get over him. He doesn't have to be your one true love. And you're getting kind of old, you know. If you want to settle down, you'd better get to it."

        "Thanks," Kevin said.

        "No problem."

        Brian's hands went down to Nick's hair, twisting in it, pulling at it. Nick kissed a heated path down Brian's hip and in between Brian's thighs. He nuzzled Brian's balls with his nose, then massaged them with his tongue. Brian moaned, spreading for him, eyes closed.

        "Nick," Brian said. "Oh, Nick..." Nick was sucking on his balls. They were soft, big, drawing up so tight...

        Drew came in his hand.

        Part of that was because Chris loved Howie, and Chris had forgiven Howie, and no one, no one, understood it. JC kept defending Chris for it anyway. Now, they had the Sentimental Fools, and that was JC's big new project. So things were running along smoothly again, or at least Justin hoped so.

        Having JC hating Chris that much had been really hard to deal with.

        JC was really getting into this project. Justin was thrilled about it. In another few weeks, the place was going to get a little crowded, though. Brian was going to visit for a while, and Steve Jerome - - JC's favorite new songwriter - - was going to join them.

        Brian was bringing Nick, too. Well, at least, Brian had told JC that he was bringing Nick. Nick hadn't said a word about it; in fact, Nick had told Justin that he was going to go and see Drew. Either way worked for Justin, but maybe those guys should communicate a little more.

        Okay, so Drew loved Nick Carter, and Jeff had hit Nick Carter and betrayed his trust, and that was a horrible thing to do. Now Drew hated Jeff, and hated Nick by extension.

        Drew splitting 98 Degrees in half was very hard to deal with. For all of them, but maybe especially for Justin, who was involved through no fault of his own, yet had to live with the tension every day.

        When the tour ended, Drew could take off and give them the cold shoulder for good. At least now, they were forced to interact by the very nature of their lifestyle. Justin wanted them to reconcile now, before Drew had the chance to escape.

        Nick Carter and Brian might change things. For the better, Justin hoped. Things couldn't stay as they were.

        Lance's tattoo.

        Lance. His beautiful porn baby. He'd loved Lance. And Lance was so much like Kevin, but so different... Sexy, serious, sarcastic, with a public face and a private one. He'd thought that he could stay with Lance, be with Lance. For a long time. He hadn't thought of it as forever, hadn't put it into concrete days and years. But it might have ended up being the rest of his life.

        Except it hadn't. It had ended. It was over. Their phone calls, no matter who called first or who hung up first, whether they danced around romance or gave each other sharp attitude, weren't going to take them back to the way it had been. And if it wasn't going to be like it had been, AJ didn't know if he wanted it at all.

        The way it had been with Lance. The way it might be with Lance. What might happen with Kevin, if he let it.

        His hand slid along his thigh to cup himself through his underwear. Lance. Kevin.

        Sex with Lance had been solid fucking, physical and equal. Lance was a man, and he was a man, and they were in it together, learning all of the new ways, experimenting and sharing. They'd learned each other's bodies, learned each other's responses.

        Sex with Kevin had been hot, intense, passionate. Kevin's touch was different from Lance's, sometimes gentler, sometimes commanding. Kevin was in control, and he let Kevin take that control. He let Kevin take, and he let Kevin give.

        It was true; he'd never fucked Kevin. Never so much as got a finger up Kevin's ass. And damn, how he'd wanted to. And the way Kevin had fucked him, Kevin's beautiful body. Loving him and adoring him and worshiping him.

        It was important for him to be Lance's equal. He wasn't about to be beneath Lance. And he wasn't interested in anyone who would stay beneath him.

        He and Lance had been equals. They'd been in love with each other.

        He ran his hand over his thigh again, over the tattoo.

        Eyes of green. Voice from the deep. This love is forever. Keeper of my heart.

        Lance.

        Kevin.

        "Hey, baby."

        Nick. Immediately the tension eased, then was replaced by desire. "Don't call me that."

        "Brian says hi. Here, Brian, say hi to Drew."

        "Hi," Brian said.

        "That was Brian," Nick said. "He says hi."

        "Hi, Brian," Drew said.  His hand slid a few inches closer to his crotch.  "How are you doing?"

        "I'm good. We're good. The tour's almost over. We're very sad, and we're going to miss it. Five seconds to mourn the tour. One, two, three four, five. But then, Drew, listen, Drew. Then the tour will be over and I get to see you! Brian can't come because he's busy being a Sentimental Fool, but hey, be quiet, I'm talking to Drew. I can't wait to see you, I get to be all behind the scenes on the 98 Degrees tour, I can hang out backstage. I told you to be quiet and let me talk to Drew. I-"

        "Nick, wait," Drew said.

        "It's going to be a wet dream," Nick said. "I'm going to see you perform, and then I'm going to suck your dick until you're whimpering. I love to see you onstage. You're so fucking sexy, Drew."

        He wanted to stop Nick, to interrupt and say no, to explain - - but he was so horny he was almost desperate, desperate. And Nick and Brian were there, Nick's voice, and not only that but Nick was starting to bring up sex and that was all that he wanted. They didn't anymore, didn't start off with phone sex, because that wasn't what their relationship was about, wasn't why he loved Nick. But right now, it had been so long, too long since he'd been with Nick and Brian. And the idea of seeing Nick again, the possibility of being with Nick...

        "Brian, what is your problem?" Nick asked.

        Drew tried to clear his throat, got stuck, coughed. "Nick. You can't come to see me. Not now. I'll see you as soon as I get home."

        "I'm not going to wait when I have the chance to see you. I'd be on a plane now if I could, and you know it. You would, too."

        Of course he would. Drew closed his eyes. "That isn't the same."

        "Me coming to see you, you coming to see me, what's the difference? We miss each other, we'd be together again. I can't wait to kiss you all over. Your mouth, your-"

        "Nick, you can't come to see me," Drew said. "The tour will be over soon, and then-"

        "Try and stop me," Nick said. "Oh, come on, damn it. I have you on the phone in my one ear, and Brian here in my other ear, and you're saying the same thing. Maybe you two should sit here and talk at each other, because you're deep in agreement, and I'm not listening to either one of you."

        "You should listen to us," Drew said. "I can't wait to see you. When your tour's over, you can go with Brian to-"

        The phone was ripped from Drew's hand. "Nick?" Nick Timmons-Lachey said. "Go ahead and come visit Drew here on tour. We'd love to see you."

        He wasn't ashamed of it.  He didn't feel guilty for it.  It hadn't mattered enough for that.  It was a non-event.

        For him.

        He knew that if Chris found out about it, Chris wouldn't like it.  For that, he was sorry.  If that happened, he would regret doing it.

        It wasn't important enough for Chris to know about it.  But if Chris found out about it, it would hurt him.  Therefore, Chris didn't need to know.  If Howie got his way, Chris never would know.  And on this, Howie was going to get his way.

        "Cutting through your crap," Nick said. "What are you so afraid of? I'm your brother, the same guy I've always been, the guy you encouraged to be friends with Nick. Now I'm some evil monster you can't let anyone near?"

        "What am I afraid of?" Drew asked. "I'm afraid of Nick getting hurt again. He's been hurt too much-"

        "Brian dumped him," Nick said. "So what, everyone gets dumped. Brian's back, isn't he? Nick is an adult, but he isn't going to get to grow up unless you stop protecting him and let him be a man."

        "I don't need lessons on how to be a man from you," Drew said.

        "You need lessons on something," Nick said.

        "I would love to see Nick," Drew said. "I've been wanting to have him on tour, you know that. But it's not going to happen, not now."

        "And it's all my fault," Nick said.

        "No, it's all Jeff's fault," Drew said.

        "Nick wants to be here. Let him do what he wants. He can take care of himself."

        "He shouldn't have to worry about taking care of himself. He should be able to visit me without-"

        "He can visit you, he can visit you as much as he wants. It's us he can't visit. Me and Jeff. Why don't you invite Nick on over? Jeff and I can hide under the bus with the luggage if you're so worried about what we might to do."

        "I shouldn't have expected you to take this seriously," Drew said.

        "I shouldn't have expected you to treat Nick like a man," Nick said.

        "Nick could teach you a few things about how to treat people."

        "I could teach him a few things about how to be a professional singer."

        "Brian could teach you a few things about humility."

        "Brian could teach you a few things about how to fuck," Nick said.

        "I think the wrong Nick has been called a whore," Drew said.

        "At least I'm honest about what I want. You pull and push and pull and push until someone else makes the first move so you can play the innocent virgin. You put all of the guilt and all of the action onto somebody else. Learn to stand up and-"

        "My sex life doesn't need any dictating from you!" Drew said, his hands coming up to shove Nick's shoulders.

        Nick stepped backward, and his face darkened. "Don't push me, Drew."

        "Isn't that what I do? I push," he shoved Nick, "and I push," he shoved Nick, "until I force you to do something?" Another push. "It's all me, my games, my manipulation."

        Nick grabbed Drew's wrist. "Nobody here's playing your games anymore. Maybe Brian has the patience for it, but I don't."

        "Let go," Drew said.

        "Are you afraid I'll bruise you? You'd like that. You could run and show Brian, and then he could save you from the big bad man. When he broke up with us, when he left us, you weren't there, you missed it. He kissed me. He loves me. He wants me to fuck him. And right now, the way you've been acting, I'd do it in a heartbeat, just to piss you off."

        "He'd never let you touch him."

        "Then opposites must attract," Nick said. "That explains your marriage."

        "Are you calling me-"

        "I'm calling you a whore," Nick said. "It's what you called me a minute ago, but I think it fits you better."

        "You go to hell," Drew said, jerking away from Nick.

        "You be glad I haven't hit you."

        "You can let Jeff do it for you. That's more his style."

        Nick grabbed Drew's upper arm, gripping it tightly. "Be careful what you say about him."

        "Let go of me, Nick."

        "That's something you've never said before. To me or to Carter."

        "I am not a whore!"

        "Nick is not a child!" Nick pushed Drew away, releasing him roughly. "You can talk all day about how well he deserves to be treated. At least I show him the respect of expecting him to take care of himself."

        "Shut up about him! I don't want to hear you talking about Nick or Brian."

        "Good. Then we can talk about you. It's all about you, isn't it, in the end? It's all about Drew. What does Drew want, what does Drew need, how does Drew feel. Is Drew uncomfortable? Is Drew unhappy? Everything revolves around you. You're lucky Brian and Nick love you as much as they do. Anyone else would have kicked your self-centered ass out in the cold."

        "What?" Justin asked, sitting beside him.

        "Nothing," Chris said, lowering the screen, hunching over it protectively. He started to wrap his arms around it, but Justin started to fight him for it. "Back off, Justin, this thing's expensive."

        Justin got a look at the screen. "Backstreet Boys Insiders again? Do you visit any other sites?"

        "It has footage from last night's concert," Chris said. "I wanted to see-"

        "You wanted to see Howie," Justin said. "I repeat, do you visit any other sites?"

        "Of course I do," Chris said. "Backstreet Boys International, Out in Orlando, Sweet D. Daily-"

        "I'm cutting you off," Justin said. "I'm confiscating this computer."

        "Try it and I'll maim you," Chris said.

        "What happened at last night's concert, anyway? Howie cut his hair?"

        "A pox on you," Chris said.

        Justin, tired of Chris trying to distract him, starting to look for himself. He activated the media player Chris had open, and saw what Chris had been watching. AJ, in the middle of "Get Another Boyfriend," walking from one end of the stage to the other. In the middle of that walk, AJ took a brief detour to freak Kevin.

        Justin watched it again. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner."

        "Funny," Chris said. "All I see are losers."

        "I don't dance on JC like that," Justin said, examining the footage.

        Chris deliberately laughed.

        "Not onstage," Justin explained. "So, Chris. Are you going to tell Lance, or am I?"

        "How do we know this means anything? It's AJ. He's probably just jerking Kevin and Lance around again."

        "Hey, you visit Out in Orlando?" Justin said. "Does it say anything about me?"

        "Let's see. A site dedicated to gay members of The Big Three."

        "The Big Three?" Justin repeated.

        "*NSYNC, the Backstreet Boys, and 98 Degrees. Where was I?"

        "'A site dedicated-'"

        "Right. A site dedicated to gay members of The Big Three. You're gay, you're married to JC, you're Justin Timberlake Chasez from *NSYNC...  I wonder, would it mention you anywhere?"

        "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful."

        "I don't. I hate you because of your personality, not your looks. How shallow do you think I am?"

        "No. He was out of line."

        "He was out of line? You called him a whore, you accused him of-"

        Nick walked a little. He needed space to vent. "I didn't say anything I didn't mean. I didn't say anything that isn't true."

        "You love him. I've never seen you treat anyone you love that badly. That isn't you, Nick."

        "If you're worried, you go talk to him. Oh, that's right, you can't! He won't let you within three feet of him."

        "He's angry," Jeff said. "You're angry. But you won't always be angry. And a month from now, when you're not angry anymore but more estranged than you've ever been-"

        "He won't let Nick come to see him! Do you know what that means? You know he has to miss Nick, he has to be aching inside, dying inside, just wanting to be near Nick and Brian again. But he won't even think about letting Nick visit him here."

        "That's what this is about," Jeff said, coming closer again. "Nick. You love him. You miss him. You want to see him."

        "What?"

        "Right before we left Kendig, you and Nick were closer than you've ever been. You were finally letting yourselves lower your guards. He was showing you how much he trusted you and how much he loved you, and you were starting to cherish him like-"

        "We were getting along," Nick said. "Yeah, we were really close. It felt good."

        "Then I hurt him, and the way everyone's acting, you may never be that close to him again. You barely had the chance to show him how much you loved him, and you'll never get that chance now."

        "What are you saying? I like him, yeah."

        "You love him," Jeff said.

        Nick ran his thumb over his eyebrow and tried to avoid Jeff's gaze. "Yeah, I love Nick."

        "You should tell him that."

        "Drew would rip off my head. Brian wouldn't like it, either."

        "Who cares what they think?" Jeff asked.

        Nick smiled.

        "Call him," Jeff said.

        "After I talk to him, do you want me to tell Brian how much I love him, too?"

        "Maybe later," Jeff said.

        "Sorry I said that stuff when I was talking to Drew. About having sex with Brian."

        "It's okay."

        "You really think I should call Nick?"

        "Yeah."

        Nick got his phone and sat on the hotel bed. "Don't go anywhere. If I'm going to die of embarrassment, I want to do it in your arms."

        "How sweet," Jeff teased, kissing him. "Go ahead." Jeff sat behind Nick, pulling Nick back against his chest. Jeff propped his chin on Nick's shoulder, waiting. Nick patted Jeff's arm and dialed.

        "Hello, you've reached the Backstreet Boys Bus of Love. We have several types of Backstreet Boys to choose from. If you want romantic Latin love, press one. If you want the oversexed bad boy, press two. If you want Daddy to spank you, press three. If you want to share your soul in a holy communion, press four. And if you want, uh, me, press five."

        "I'll take five."

        "You've got me. Hey, who is this?"

        "The other Nick."

        He loved the other Nick.  He wanted to be cool and tight with the other Nick.

        If he got scared, if he ran, if he let his half-a-dozen self-defense mechanisms take over, they'd be right back at square one.

        It wasn't all about what he felt like doing.  Screw what was easiest for him in this moment.  There was Drew, and Brian, and he couldn't say he loved them and then not take this opportunity to make their lives better.

        "I meant it," Nick said. "We'd really like to have you visit. I'd really like to see you."

        "You want to see me?"

        Jeff, who was eavesdropping shamelessly, poked Nick. Then a second time.

        "I miss you," Nick said, and pinched Jeff's arm.

        "You miss me? No, this is Nick. Brian's phone number is-"

        "I know what Brian's phone number is," Nick said. "I miss him, too, but I'm talking to you right now. I miss you. I'd really like to see you."

        "This is fun. Tell me why."

        Nick smiled. "I like you. You make a great friend and a great brother-in-law. Before we left Kendig, we were really...we were good together. I want it to stay that way."

        "If this is about sex-"

        "This is about me loving you."

        "Say that again."

        "I'm in love with you."

        "This is new. I should be recording this conversation. Okay, big boy, what if I do come to visit the tour? You'll be nice to me?"

        "Yes."

        "You'll let me stay on the bus and hang out backstage?"

        "Of course."

        "What about when I get on your nerves?"

        "Then I'll let Drew deal with you."

        "I think watching a 98 Degrees concert would give me an orgasm."

        "I bet it would."

        Nick laughed. "Okay. I'm going to come see you. As soon as our tour's over. I don't care what Brian and Drew say. I'm coming to visit my friend Nick."

        "It'll be good to see you."

        "It's always good to look at you." Nick hung up.

        Nick hung up and leaned back into Jeff. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

        "That wasn't so bad, was it?" Jeff asked, rubbing his chest.

        "He's coming. This has to go well. If I do the wrong thing, or say the wrong thing..."

        "You won't."

        "He never mentions you."

        "He's not ready to," Jeff said. "I'll keep my distance."

        "I don't want you to."

        "I have to. He needs me to."

        "You always understand him better than I ever can."

        "That's what makes it worse for him. I was the one person..." Jeff closed his eyes and inhaled Nick's scent. "I'm so sorry."

        "I know." Nick held Jeff's hand.

        No matter how busy Chris got, he was never too busy to talk to Howie.

        He asked Howie what AJ was up to now. Howie said that nobody knew. Even AJ didn't know, according to Howie.

        AJ and Lance hadn't talked on the phone in two weeks. AJ showed off his body and draped himself in inviting poses whenever Kevin was around, not to mention re-enacting Dirty Dancing onstage, but never actually gave Kevin the time of day, or anything. And AJ picked up a different girl (or two) every night.

        Chris made sure to have it determined that AJ wasn't sniffing around near Howie. Howie said of course not.

        Of course not.

        Joey sat on Lance's other side. "Are you guys waiting for the parade to pass by or something?"

        Lance grunted.

        "That girl I met, RayLynn, wants to meet you," Joey said.

        Lance blinked once.

        "You should go out with her."

        Justin managed to make a sound of agreement. Lance didn't.

        "You need to start dating again," Joey said. "And no Backstreet Boys this time. Try a girl."

        "Lance likes boys," Justin said.

        "Okay, a guy, but no Backstreet Boys," Joey said.

        "You already said that," Lance said.

        "I mean it," Joey said. "No Backstreet Boys. Pick a nice guy."

        "Backstreet Boys are nice," Justin said.

        "Name one," Joey said.

        "Brian," Justin said. "Nick."

        "And three out of five are lying, cheating scum," Joey said. "Case closed. Okay, you want a guy? I'll get you one."

        "Joey," Lance said. "If I want to date someone, I can find him myself."

        "We left you to your own devices last time, and look at what happened," Joey said.

        "You should let me pick him for you," Justin said. "I have great taste."

        "That's true," Joey said. "JC's a good catch."

        Lance watched JC walk over to them. He had to agree.

        "Justin," JC said. "Can I see you for a minute?"

        "Sure," Justin said, and slowly got to his feet. The two of them walked away and disappeared around the corner.

        A minute later, Joey left.

        Lance got up, looked around, and wandered casually off to the side, around the corner...

        JC and Justin were kissing. JC had Justin up against the wall, Justin's hand on JC's ass through JC's pants. JC was making hungry noises into Justin's mouth, working a hand up under Justin's shirt, stroking Justin's skin. Justin was moving against JC's touch, rubbing up against JC's hips, moaning against JC's kiss. They were as absorbed in each other as if they'd been making love for an hour in the privacy of their bed, and as worked up as if they were seconds from reaching orgasm.

        JC's mouth moved to Justin's neck. Justin groaned, and dark blue eyes opened. It took a moment for Justin to realize what he was looking at. By that time, Lance was leaving.

        On the one hand, he was tired and disgusted. On the other hand, he hadn't had Jeff's dick any closer than his hand for too long, and even that he didn't get often enough.

        He wasn't quite at the point where he was ready to make an issue of it. He wanted to wait Jeff out for a while longer. But even if he wasn't going to get everything he wanted, he could get something tonight.

        Nick ran his fingers over the stubble on Jeff's cheek.

        "What?" Jeff asked without opening his eyes.

        "I knew you were awake."

        "Good for you."

        There had to be a good way to ask. But he couldn't think of anything to say that didn't sound either rude or stupid. So he lifted Jeff's hand from his hip and kissed it.

        "What do you want?" Jeff asked, opening his eyes.

        Nick smiled.

        Jeff groaned, lowering his forehead to Nick's chest to hide his face. "Now?"

        "I've had a bad day. You should try to make me feel better."

        Jeff groped in between Nick's thighs. "You feel fine. Good night."

        Nick kept Jeff from rolling over. Now that he'd been touched like that, there was no way he wasn't getting some tonight. "At least kiss me."

        "Like you'd let me stop after one kiss."

        "I might."

        "You want me to try it and find out for myself?"

        "That's right."

        Jeff kissed him, opening his mouth, one hand on the back of his head. Oh, damn. Jeff's head tilted to one side, and Jeff's kiss came in from a new angle, deeper, harder. Nick tried to find room to breathe, but then Jeff said, "Tell me how I can make you feel better, Nick. What can I do to make it a good day?" He choked on his answer when Jeff's fingers flirted over his perineum

        What was worse, his own Nick was behaving better than anyone. What was wrong with them? They said that they were doing it all for Nick's sake, but Nick didn't want it. They gave the problem more importance every day, while Nick was trying to get over it. They were creating camps, armies, skirmishes, battles. Drew and Brian protecting Nick against the evil forces of Nick and Jeff.

        He still wasn't prepared to forgive and forget entirely. To do that, he had to talk with Nick and Brian in person. But that didn't mean that things had to stay at this extreme.

        He was going to apologize to Nick.

        Now.

        Because having this fight between them was making him sick.

        Someone was knocking on the door.

        Jeff had stopped kissing him. "Sounds like Drew."

        Shit. Nick wanted to stay where he was.

        Jeff's fingers ran along the rim of his ear down to his earlobe. "Get dressed first."

        Damn. Nick squeezed Jeff's hand and got up. His underwear didn't feel like enough, so he put on jeans, too. But somehow that wasn't enough, either, so he pulled on a T-shirt.

        He didn't know what he wanted Drew to say. Drew could be here to yell at him some more, to give him a message, to... For all he knew, Drew was at the wrong door.

        He opened the door and let Drew in. Drew looked ready to stay for a minute, so he closed the door.

        Drew looked at him, like Jeff wasn't even in the room.

        "I'm sorry," Drew said.

        He was what? Wait, what? Drew.

        "I'm sorry, Nick. I shouldn't have said any of that, I didn't even mean it. I was mad, but... I'm sorry."

        Nick grabbed an armful of Drew, hugging, holding on tight. He might even have picked Drew up off the ground for a second there.

        Drew hugged Nick back just as tightly. He was probably surprised, but he seemed okay. "Nick."

        "I'm sorry," Nick said.

        "I wanted to throw up all day," Drew said.

        "Throw up on me. I deserve it."

        Drew laughed, and Nick let him go. "I'm sorry," Drew said.

        "I'm sorry," Nick said.

        "I'm not... It's not over."

        Nick nodded.

        "I know I'm not a perfect husband or a perfect boyfriend or a perfect brother or a perfect anything. Some of what you said is true. I used to be so proud of myself for the role I played in Nick's life. But I'm no better than anyone else. At least Brian has good reasons for the way he treats Nick."

        "You're a great husband, boyfriend - - I can tell you myself that you're a great brother."

        "You are, too. I didn't tell Brian or Nick about..."

        "Okay."

        "I am sorry."

        "I am, too."

        "Okay." Drew hesitated, then gave Nick a brief hug. "Good night."

        "Good night." Nick closed the door after Drew. Locked it. Thought. Then he turned and ran, jumping on the bed, landing on Jeff.

        "Ow," Jeff said, trying to recover. He didn't get far, since Nick was rolling him all over the bed and kissing him with enthusiasm. "Wait, wait, Nick," he said, trying to fend off Nick's affection. Finally he gave in and pinned Nick down to the mattress. "What is this?"

        "I'm having a good day after all. I'm trying to share it with you."

        "Okay." Jeff nodded. "Nick, I'm glad that you're having a good day. I'm glad that you and Drew made up, even if it isn't a complete solution."

        "Thanks."

        "What would you like to do to celebrate this good day?"

        "Make love to you," Nick said.

        Jeff kissed him. "Okay, but only because you were begging so well earlier."

        Nick was too interested in the way Jeff was kissing him to pay attention to what Jeff had said.  But, wait.  "Beg - - I wasn't begging!  I never beg you, I, oh.  I wasn't...Jeff...oh...god...ooohhh..."