"Where You Belong"

Where You Belong, eighth in the "Living" series

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Thus far we've had JC/Justin, Nick/Drew/Brian, Nick/Jeff, Nick/Drew/Brian/Nick/Jeff, AJ/Lance, AJ/Howie, AJ/Kevin, Chris/Howie, and partridge/pear tree.

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashwriters.

Wherein Drew won't go behind Brian's back, AJ can screw anybody he wants, and could JC be mellowing?

Notice: First, read "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," "Rest in Peace," "Destiny," and "Together." I know it sounds like a lot, but it'll only take you an hour or two.

Chris knew that the whole Fools thing was important and everything, but he had priorities, man, priorities! He hustled Howie out of there and back to his room, locking the door, ready to-

He stopped.

Ready to what? He didn’t have a magical bag of tricks. He didn’t have any sex secrets. He wasn’t JC. All he had to offer were the same things he’d been giving: himself, and his body, and his love. They’d been working okay so far, but they weren’t new.

He wanted to do something special tonight, something interesting, to make Howie pant with eager anticipation to see him again. But what could he do? He had nothing. Nothing!

Chris felt a hand on his shoulder as Howie turned him around. Then Howie kissed him, and he closed his eyes when he felt Howie’s tongue in his mouth, soft and fucking. Howie guided him back, and he obeyed until he ran into the door. Howie’s hand slipped down and got an indecent grasp on his ass. He tried to keep his hips forward a little, so he wouldn’t grind Howie’s hand between his ass the door; but the whole hips forward thing meant his dick was against Howie, and he was getting pretty hard, what with being grabbed and kissed and everything.

Then again, what was he worried about? Howie had met his erection a time or two before. That hand on his ass was not quite innocent, either. Oh, okay, now the left hand was coming into play, pulling up Chris’s shirt and feeling up underneath it.

He was being groped. Nice.

Chris could return that favor with a smile. He’d had his arms around Howie in innocent school girl fashion, and now he slid his hand down Howie’s back, getting a good handful of Howie’s ass. He squeezed a little, and Howie pushed him against the door harder.

“Chris.”

He was just getting started. There shouldn’t be talking.

“Chris.”

Howie had stopped kissing him. Chris opened his eyes in time to see chocolate-drenched heat flare in Howie’s eyes. Howie ripped open his jeans, and Chris gasped, a little startled in a very good way. Howie assaulting him was a very big turn-on.

Howie's eyes wanted things from him. Howie's mouth was saying something. Something that sounded an awful lot like...oh. God. It was. “Fuck me.”

JC sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed the small of Justin’s back. “What’s wrong, baby?”

“Do you think we should stop having sex on the bus?”

JC’s hand stopped.

Uh... Should Justin be afraid? He didn’t really want to roll over and see JC’s face, because there was no telling how JC was reacting. Justin waited.

“Us?” JC asked.

“Yeah, us,” Justin said, changing the channel on the TV to buy time.

“Stop having sex?” JC asked.

“Just on the bus.”

Silence.

Justin changed the channel again.

“Why?”

JC seemed to be thoroughly bewildered, not outraged or hurt, so it was probably safe. Justin turned off the TV and rolled over. JC didn’t lift his hand, just kept it still as Justin moved, sliding over Justin’s side and stopping on his stomach. “Why what?”

“Why would we stop making love on the bus?” JC asked.

“Because other people have to live there with us, and it’s not fair to them.”

JC rubbed Justin’s stomach, stroking up his chest.

Justin closed his eyes, luxuriating in JC’s touch.

JC rubbed down again.

Justin opened his eyes. They were supposed to be talking. “JC.”

JC opened Justin’s fly one-handed.

No, they were talking. About, about...sex... JC palmed his dick out of his drawers and leaned down to kiss it. Why, why was JC touching him, why was JC kissing him there, why... Justin reached his hand down to push JC away, but JC was starting to suck on things, and Justin’s hand slid through JC’s hair.

This was why they weren’t going to stop making love on the bus. JC couldn’t keep himself away from Justin, and Justin couldn’t say no. Justin should have known. He groaned at the wet love of JC’s kiss on the head of his dick, and JC did it again, just to hear him groan one more time. There was no way JC would refrain from evoking that kind of pleasure, and there was no way for Justin to stop making himself available for it.

JC had no good reason to be doing this to him right now, no reason at all, yet here they were, Justin moaning and beginning to beg a little with his jeans down around his knees, JC sucking Justin’s dick mid-conversation because this was more important and that could wait.

Stop having sex on the bus?

The guys were lucky they didn’t have sex onstage.

Oh, god, what Justin wouldn’t give to have that...

It was frustrating to make love to Howie, because Howie hated coming first. Chris liked to be a gentleman and let Howie come first, when he was the one on top; which was difficult, since Howie knew all of Chris’s buttons and most of them were merely labelled “Howie.” Tonight he really wanted to make Howie come first, since it was their last night together, and the way Howie had been taking his dick, he really thought he’d almost done it; but then Howie had gripped his hips with strong thighs and rolled them over, rising above him, riding him hard and tight, light and sweat creating a natural sheen over Howie’s chest.

Chris was trying to get over the paralyzing need to come, knowing that if he could only move he could accomplish great things; when Howie dropped and rolled, and suddenly he was on top of Howie again and Howie was beautiful and suffering right beneath him and against him, and love was tangled with rich need in Howie’s eyes, and Chris had fucked in and come hard before he’d even realized he could.

Howie was panting, still moving under him. Chris wasn’t nineteen or JC, so he wasn’t going to be able to do Howie again for at least another five minutes. He pushed two fingers in there, feeling Howie close up around him, tight from want and wet from his cum. “I’m sorry,” he said, then winced at the pathetic sound of it, not to mention the bad timing. But he was sorry. He was sorry that Howie had given him yet another great orgasm, while he’d left Howie hanging. He was sorry that on their last night on tour together, he was about to give Howie a lousy handjob.

The least he could do was give Howie a blowjob.

“Chris,” Howie said. Then Howie kissed him.

Chris’s fingers slipped, pushing deeper.

Howie said his name again.

Chris slid down and opened his mouth for Howie’s hard, leaking cock. One of Chris’s favorite places to be was here between Howie’s thighs. This was the finest in male sexuality that Irish-Latin masculinity had to offer. Chris licked up pre-cum and let Howie thrust into his mouth.

Where was that oh! God, that must have been it. Chris stopped feeling around for Howie’s prostate and just swallowed.

Howie moaned, relaxing. Chris popped his fingers out and wiped at his mouth. Was there any suave way to ask, “Was it good for you?”

“Come here,” Howie said, tugging at his hair. Chris climbed up the bed, laying beside Howie, wondering what was coming next. Howie kissed him and rubbed the back of his thigh. “I love you,” Howie whispered, kissing him softly.

Breathing ceased. Chris held very still, eyes lowered, not wanting to break this gift. This treasure.

“I love you,” Howie whispered again, leaving sweet kisses on his lips. Howie’s arm was around his waist, and Howie’s body was promisingly close. Chris didn’t know what to do. Howie kissed him again, and in a minute, Howie was asleep.

Chris swallowed. He risked breathing.

Howie loved him.

Maybe Howie could leave, and he could finish the tour, and it would all be okay. Maybe he didn’t have to give spectacular sex to keep Howie. He loved Howie, and he wasn’t going to get bored and start picking up random people along the way; and Howie loved him, so why would Howie get bored and start picking up people? Howie was neither shallow nor immature.

Chris kissed Howie and closed his eyes.

If he wanted to try a new sexual experience to try to keep Howie’s attention, he could have done that rimming thing. But chances were, he’d screw it up and do it wrong and drive Howie away, so, uh, no. Not that. Howie wanted it, and Howie had asked for it, but no. Maybe later.

He wanted to.

No, later.

He really did want to.

Later!

Howie wanted it.

Howie was just asking for things that sounded sexy; in reality, it would be disappointing. It would be better not to try it.

Howie wanted it.

No.

He wanted it, too. He wanted it, he wanted it, he wanted it. Just once. Just a little lick. Just-

No!

It didn’t even have to be a big deal.

No.

Howie murmured his name and slid closer. Chris was getting hard again, and rubbing it against Howie felt good. He kissed Howie’s neck and let his hard-on throb against Howie’s stomach.

Howie was deep asleep.

“I love you,” Chris whispered, and touched Howie’s chin. “I love you, Howie Dorough, and I want you to promise you’ll marry me and be with me forever.”

Howie slept.

Chris closed his eyes and held Howie all night.

Drew got out of the shower.

Nick shaved.

Drew got dressed.

Nick tried eating crackers.

Drew made sure he wasn’t leaving anything behind.

Nick wondered how he was going to talk his way out of this one.

Drew looked up at him. “How long have you been having nightmares?”

“I don’t have nightmares.”

Drew put a hand on his chest. “I’m not Brian, and I don’t know how to see into you and say just the right thing that unlocks everything you keep inside. I need you to be honest with me. How long have you been having nightmares?”

“I’ve had them before.”

“Brian didn’t know?” That couldn’t be right.

“I’ve only had them since I got here.”

Oh. Right. “You should have told me.” It was easier to say that than to admit that he should have known without being told. Brian would have known.

“Telling you wouldn’t have helped anything,” Nick said.

Drew needed to get to the bottom of this. “Are you afraid of Jeff?”

“No.”

“You’re lying to me.”

“I shouldn’t be afraid of him.”

“He hurt you. He hit you and he scared you.”

Nick shrugged. “Maybe I deserved it.”

“Don’t you ever say that again! You know that’s not true. Take it back. Take it back! Tell me you didn’t deserve it.”

“I didn’t deserve it,” Nick muttered to humor Drew. Maybe he had deserved it, though. He’d been irritating as hell, and he hadn't backed off at any of the danger signs.

“Say it again, and look at me.”

Nick looked into his eyes. Drew was really good at this stuff. “I didn’t deserve it.”

“Thank you.” Drew thought. “What do you need to feel better about this?”

“I need to trust Jeff and not trust the voices in my head.”

“Can you trust him?”

“I know that I should. You trust him,” Nick said.

“I want to trust him. But it doesn’t matter how I feel. I don’t care how I feel. I care how you feel, and if you don’t trust him, he’s history.” Drew rubbed his forehead. “What are we going to do? We can’t make you trust Jeff. That’s either going to happen or it’s not, in its own time.” He thought some more, resting his hands on Nick’s hips. “What are you mostly afraid of? Worst-case scenario? Jeff hitting you again?”

“Yeah.”

“What happens if he does?”

“Brian kills him.”

“Other than that.”

“I don’t know. I’ll flip out and run away and never trust anyone ever again.”

“You could hit him back.”

“What?”

“You could hit him back.”

“No, I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“He’s Jeff! I know I’ve grown up, but I’m still a young blond cocksucking bottom boy. I don’t hit people.”

“It’s called defending yourself. Standing up for yourself. Striking back.”

“It’s called he’s pretty fucking ripped.”

“You’re bigger than he is.”

“I can’t hit Jeff. Not in retaliation. No matter what, he’s still Jeff.”

Drew nodded. “Okay. Don’t hit him. I’ll hit him.”

“What?”

“If he hits you, I’ll hit him back.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to.”

“You’d hit Jeff?”

“If he hit you, in a heartbeat.”

“He’s bigger than you are.”

“I don’t give a shit.”

“Wow.”

“Jeff is not going to hit you again. He won’t. That will not happen.”

“Okay.”

“But, if it does...”

“Yes?”

“If Jeff hits you, I will hit him back. I don’t care how big he is or how long I’ve known him or who he’s married to. It happened once, and we all let it go. If it happens again, he deserves what’s coming to him. I want you to know that what I’m saying is true. I will hit him back if he ever lays a finger on you. If you’re ever afraid of it happening again, if you have another nightmare, I want you to picture me right there with you, defending your ass and kicking his. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Tell me you will.”

“I will.”

“Do you believe me?”

“Oh, yeah. You’re kind of scary.”

“I won’t let anyone hurt you if I can stop it.”

“Jeff’s a good guy. Between you and your violent tendencies, and Brian and whatever kind of Heaven’s fury he wants to bring down, I feel sorry for Jeff.”

Drew rubbed Nick’s sides. “You want to forgive Jeff, and I know that you’re doing it partly for me. I’m humbled by your strength and generosity. But that doesn’t mean that we’re all going to forgive him right away and forget everything that’s happened. You were very hurt, and I’m going to be here with you to make sure that it doesn’t happen again. As long as you’re working towards forgiveness, I will do my best to be right by your side helping you. But if you ever want to back out, I’ll support you in that, too.”

“I’m not backing out. I don’t want to. We’re making this right again.”

Someone knocked at the door to get them to hurry up.

Drew pulled Nick down and kissed him.

“You’d really hit Jeff for me?” Nick asked.

“If he hurt you again, yes, without hesitation.” Another knock. “We’re coming!” Drew called. He kissed Nick again. “Think of Brian as your protector, and me as your defender.”

“Oh, that’s good,” Nick said. “Okay. Damn, all my bases are covered. I have nothing to worry about.”

Drew smiled. “That’s right.” He kissed Nick again.

“Do you want to make love?”

“Yes,” Drew said, sliding his fingers up the back of Nick’s neck into Nick’s hair.

“We don’t have time.”

“I know.”

“You get hornier and hornier every day.”

“I know.” Less talking, more kissing.

“I want to stick you in a box and send you to Brian.”

“Okay.” Nick had the most delicious tongue... The most... Ow! Hey! Drew rubbed his butt and glared at Nick.

“It’s time to go,” Nick said.

“Don’t do that,” Drew said.

“You don’t like being spanked? We could try it again later. In bed.”

“Don’t even think about it,” Drew said. “That is on the forbidden list.”

“That’s a pretty short list,” Nick said.

“It is not.”

“No, it is. What’s on that list? Spanking, water sports...”

Drew tried to remember what else.

“Gay threesomes? No, that’s off the list, we do that. Fisting? No, we’ve done that... Incest?”

“Get on the bus.”

“Oh, I get it, now you’re in a hurry to go,” Nick said. “What, why, did I say something?”

“Shut up and don’t make fun of me,” Drew said, shoving a suitcase at him.

Nick lifted Drew’s chin and kissed him gently. “It’s okay, Drew.”

Drew sighed.

Nick kissed him again. “In a weird way, it makes me love you even more. No one judges you for it.”

“You should judge me for it,” Drew said.

“Yeah, and I should use condoms, but you don’t see that happening.”

“That’s different.”

“What I should do is meaningless. What I do do is love you, and that one I’ve got down pat. It’s okay, Drew. It’s part of who you are.”

“And that hideously guilty, horribly sick, twisting sinking damned feeling I get?”

“Take two Tums and spend five minutes gazing into Brian’s eyes, and it’ll pass.”

“Brian isn’t here. Can I gaze into your eyes?”

“That isn’t really the same, but you can try.”

Drew kissed him. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Let’s go. There are people waiting to adore you.”

“It’s rough being the idol of millions.”

“Tell me about it.”

Drew laughed.

“Hey.”

Drew caught the serious tone in Nick’s voice and waited, looking up at him.

“You feel damned?”

Drew didn’t want to have to admit it, but, “Yes.”

“You’re not,” Nick said. “You’re not, on Brian’s love I swear you’re not.”

Drew tried to smile.

“Drew.” Nick hugged him. “You’re not damned. You’re a good person, you’re a blessing to me and Brian and Nick and Jeff and Justin and everybody. You’re good and strong and blessed, just like Brian is. You know you’re my angel. You’re not bad or wicked or evil. You’re a good person who feels love in ways that other people don’t understand, but that doesn’t make you damned. That makes you special.”

“Feeling it is bad enough, but I acted on it. I acted on it.”

Nick wouldn’t let him go. “I love you. Brian loves you. We’re the ones who pushed you in the first place. We’ve been here supporting you through all of it, and we have never stopped loving you. We’ve never doubted you. The same soul God looks at when he decides where to send you, Brian touches when you make love, and Brian has never questioned it. We all know it’s hard for you. We know you’re afraid and we know you hurt. Love isn’t easy. That kind of love has to come with pain. But it’s still love, and love isn’t wrong.”

Drew turned his cheek to Nick’s shoulder.

“Take two Tums and five minutes in Brian’s eyes, or my eyes. It’ll be all right.”

“It hurts.”

“I know. Don’t cry, you can’t cry.”

“I won’t.”

“You’re crying.”

Drew wiped at his tears. “I’m not.”

“Okay, I believe you.”

Drew held on. “You’re so good to me, sometimes I think you’re too good to me.”

“That’s because I love you.”

“You do love me, Nick, I know you do, and that’s... I... You’re so beautiful and so good and so giving and... I want to be that good for you, Nick. I love you so much it’s almost tangible to me, it’s so strong sometimes I think I could hand it to you as a physical thing.”

“You can’t make me cry, too.”

Drew looked up into his eyes. “Thank you for loving me.”

“Drew...damn. It’s my pleasure.”

Drew kissed him. “I’m serious.”

Nick kissed back. “So am I.”

“I love you.”

“I will do whatever it takes to make you happy.”

“Me, too.”

Drew kissed him.

Nick kissed back. “We have to go.”

Drew kissed him.

“Angel,” Nick whispered, feeling nothing but love for Drew.

“Beauty,” Drew whispered, and touched Nick’s face.

A hard knock at the door.

“Oh, fuck you,” Nick said.

Drew laughed.

Chris kissed Howie’s collarbone, rubbing his fingers down the cleft of Howie’s ass. “Do you really have to go?”

“Yes,” Howie said, pulling up his pants again.

Chris fastened Howie’s fly just so he could brush his hand against Howie’s good stuff. “I’ll ditch the guys and come with you.”

Howie’s knuckles grazed his chin. “No, you won’t.”

“I’ll hijack the plane and we’ll run away together.”

“No, you won’t.”

“Why does Brian get to take you to the airport and not me?”

“Because you have an interview to get to, and Brian doesn’t.” Howie kissed him. “Say good-bye.”

“Good-bye, Howie.” Chris hugged him. Howie looked so good, Chris didn’t want to muss him up, but there was this deep-seated urge to untie Howie’s hair... Chris resisted. He was strong. Howie’s hair looked too good for him to mess with it.

“Good-bye, Chris,” Howie said.

Chris dropped to his knees, wrapping his arms around Howie’s waist and burying his face in Howie’s stomach. “Stay with me, stay with me. I’ll beg you. I’ll bribe you. I’ll pay you!”

Howie stroked his scalp. “Chris.”

“What?” he asked, muffled in Howie’s shirt.

“I love you.”

Chris peeked up with one eye.

Howie kept stroking his scalp.

Chris peeked with both eyes.

“Do something for me before I go,” Howie said.

“Anything,” Chris promised eagerly, getting to his feet.

Howie reached back behind his head and tugged the rubber band off of his hair. Kissing Chris, he took Chris’s hand and guided it to Chris’s proudest kink. Chris slipped him some tongue and buried greedy fingers in his hair, twisting and fisting, tipping Howie’s head back and kissing Howie’s neck.

Howie had wanted him to. Howie had asked him to. Chris’s life rocked. He licked the hair on Howie’s chin and decided he really needed one more orgasm before Howie left.

He only had Howie’s zipper half down before Howie gently pushed aside his hand. “I have to go,” Howie said, rezipping.

“Three more hours,” Chris said.

“They’re waiting for you,” Howie said.

“I really want to suck your dick,” Chris said, because there was a time to be ashamed and a time to come right out with it, and now was the time to come right out with it.

“I want to suck yours,” Howie said, and kissed him.

Chris’s knees went so weak so unexpectedly, he actually stumbled. Had Howie just... What...

“I’m sorry for making you late,” Howie said.

“I’m not...not late...yet,” Chris said around and between kisses. Deep kisses. Howie kept sucking on his tongue like it was his dick, and every inch of Chris loved it.

“You’re about to be,” Howie said, and knelt.

Drew was on his back in his bunk, with Nick on one side leaning over him. “I’m glad you feel better,” he said, slowly and carefully messing up Nick’s hair, strand by strand. “I know you don’t feel nearly as good as you’re pretending to, but I’m glad you’re feeling a little better.”

“You helped,” Nick said, ignoring parts of that.

“I helped how?” Drew asked. “By calling Kevin and getting good advice?”

“By being you. You took good care of me. And you brought me Brian.”

“I know you miss him.”

“There’s a hole inside of me,” Nick said.

“I know.” Drew smoothed Nick’s hair.

Nick put his forehead to Drew’s shoulder and closed his eyes.

Drew stroked the back of Nick’s neck.

“You can’t tell him.”

“Tell him that you miss him? I think he already knows.”

Nick raised his head. “That I’m having nightmares.”

Drew narrowed his eyes. “You’re so afraid of something happening that you’re having nightmares about it, and I should keep this from Brian.”

“Yes. It’ll make things worse. We’re working on fixing and healing.”

“I seem to remember that the last time I kept something from Brian for you, you tried to leave us.”

“What?”

“Pyrobitch.”

“That’s different.”

“No, it’s not. Nick, these nightmares may not magically disappear when we get home. Brian will notice.”

“They’ll be gone by then and he’ll never have to know.”

“They won’t be gone by then.”

“They might be.”

“All right. Maybe they will be. If they’re gone, I won’t bring them up. If you’re still having them, I won’t lie to Brian.”

“Okay.”

“Whether you’re still having nightmares then or not, I won’t downplay your fear. You’re not as over it as you want everyone to think.”

“It’s not doing anyone any good-”

“I don’t care if it hurts Jeff’s feelings. I care about you, and what you’re going through.”

“I’m not going through anything.”

“You’re not a very good liar,” Drew said.

“No, I’m a great liar. You just know me too well. It’s like trying to lie to Brian. Or to Kevin. I can never lie to Kevin. It sucks.”

“Kevin and I may become very good friends.”

“Scary.”

Chris had taken so long they’d gone on without him. They were alone in a dressing room, waiting to be shoved off to make-up, when he staggered in and dropped onto the couch, moaning.

Justin and Lance, who were already on the couch, pushed him onto the floor.

Chris didn’t seem to care. He just moaned again, sounding like he was in the throes of orgasm.

“How’s Howie?” Lance asked dryly.

“It was like...it was like... I was Justin and he was JC and when he gave me head that was the best of my life and that’s saying a lot because Howie gives head better than anyone I’ve ever been with, but then he screwed me and I didn’t want to pull his hair so there was this thing, this lamp above the headboard and I grabbed that but then he really started doing stuff and damn, that sucker came right out of the wall.”

Justin stared.

Chris gazed up at the ceiling. “He made me break furniture.”

“That’s not furniture, that’s an accessory or an appliance,” Lance said.

“I’ve always wanted to break furniture. I’ve always wanted to scream like a banshee. I’ve always wanted to be the Justin to his JC. And he did it. He really did it.”

“It was probably badly installed,” Lance said.

“Shut up,” JC said to Lance, and he meant it.

“He paid for it,” Chris said. “Howie’s my hero.”

“Do we say congratulations?” Justin asked. “Congratulations, Chris.”

“I’ve made girls break things,” Joey said.

“You’ve broken a lot of maidenheads, I’ll give you that,” Justin said.

“Maidenheads?” JC asked.

“Hymens?” Justin suggested. “You know what I mean.”

“When’s the last time the two of you had a good conversation on women’s body parts?” Joey asked.

Justin laughed. “That was a long time ago, man, a long time ago. Chris. Chris.” He nudged Chris’s shoulder with his sneaker. “I want to tell you for the record that it’s really disturbing that you’re using me and JC as the prime example of...something.”

“Disturbing? Possibly. Accurate? Yes,” Chris said.

“You want to be the Justin to Howie’s JC,” Justin said. “That’s freaky.”

“You’re freaky,” Chris said.

“You mean just me, or both of us?” Justin asked.

Chris looked up at him from the floor. “Is there a difference?”

Justin looked at JC.

Joey made “Twilight Zone” noises.

JC smiled at Justin.

Justin felt love-warm and lust-hot inside.

“Where is Howie?” Joey asked.

“My love has left me,” Chris mourned. “Brian took him to the airport.”

“For what?” Joey asked.

“He’s leaving?” Lance asked.

“He’s leaving. He’s gone. I miss him. Everything from here is going to suck, because now I’m stuck with you idiots and no Howie.”

“Brian’s still here,” Justin said.

“Yes, but I’m not in love with Brian like everyone else is,” Chris said.

“We’re not in love with Brian,” Justin said.

“You and Joey are.”

“I’m not!” Joey said.

“I’m not!” Justin said.

Lance snorted.

“Howie’s gone?” Joey asked.

“Don’t try to change the subject,” Chris said.

“That is the subject,” Joey said.

“Oh. Yes, Howie’s gone. My life is empty. My heart grieves.”

“For how long?” Joey asked.

“For the rest of the tour. Didn’t I make that clear? That wasn’t clear? He’s gone! For the rest of the tour! Because life sucks!”

“Stop yelling,” Lance said. “Ow.”

“I’m going to get a new tattoo,” Chris said dreamily. “Howie’s name. On my...” He frowned, trying to think of an appropriate place.

“Howie or Howard?” Justin asked.

“Howard the Duck,” Lance muttered.

“He doesn’t look like a duck,” Joey said. “He looks like a-”

“Finish that sentence and I will behead you,” Chris said, sitting up. “Not one negative word about Howie. My heart grieves!”

“Sorry,” Joey said.

Chris flopped onto his back again. “Howard. Just a little baby one. Right on my neck behind my ear where he kisses me when he’s whispering things.”

“Whispering things like what?” Justin asked.

“On your neck?” Joey asked.

“Shut up and let me fantasize,” Chris said.

They were quiet.

Chris closed his eyes and smiled, dreaming.

Lance checked his watch.

“Speaking of tattoos,” Joey said. “When are we going to see yours?”

Justin realized Joey was talking to him. “What?”

“The new tattoo you’ve gone to great lengths to hide from us. When can we see it?”

“Uh...” Justin looked to JC for help.

“I’d like to see it,” JC said softly.

“You haven’t?” Lance asked.

“There’s an inch of skin on Justin’s body you don’t know by heart?” Joey asked. “It’s been days. You two are slipping. I’m disappointed.”

“Justin hasn’t been ready to show me,” JC said. “I can wait.”

Maybe now would be a good time. If JC saw it for the first time in front of their friends, and then had to go through a live interview, maybe by the time JC could do something about it, enough time would have passed and JC’s reaction would be lessened. Whether JC wanted to sex him or flip out, either way, JC wouldn’t be able to do it for a few hours.

Justin got up, turning away from them. He tugged down his jeans and pulled up his shirt, exposing his lower back. He knew what they were looking at. Right below the line of his back, where his ass started, was JC’s signature. The same signature that was on thousands of items of memorabilia was also on Justin.

Joey touched it. “I shouldn’t be surprised.”

“My only question is, what took you so long?” Chris asked.

Lance didn’t say anything. Justin figured he was probably jealous.

“Get out,” JC said.

Justin froze, one hand holding up his shirt, the other on the waistband of his jeans. He knew that voice. He didn’t dare turn around.

Chris hustled Joey and Lance from the room, closing the door.

JC’s voice was closer now, right behind him. “I remember you. What’s your name?”

He tried to keep his voice steady. “Justin.”

“You have my name on your ass, Justin.”

“Yes.”

“Does that mean I own it?”

Oh, god, yes. “Yes.”

“Does that mean it’s mine?”

Oh, hell, yes. He was starting to shake. “Yes.”

JC’s hand came right between his legs and lifted. Justin obeyed fast, not wanting anything important to be damaged. JC lifted, pushed, and dropped before letting go, and Justin found himself kneeling on the sofa, one hand braced on the wall for support.

He didn’t have to be told to stay.

JC yanked his jeans the rest of the way down, taking his underwear too, baring his ass in full. It might have felt better for Justin if JC had finished opening the fly first, but if it wasn’t important to JC, it wasn’t important. JC spread his thighs with a careless hand, and Justin was trembling with want, anticipation, need, and fear.

It was JC.

JC smacked his ass, hard enough to sting, and Justin wanted it again. JC did it again, harder this time, and tears spilled down Justin’s cheeks, not from pain.

“Whose name is on your body?” JC asked.

“Yours,” Justin said, his voice breaking.

“Who owns your ass?”

“You do, JC,” Justin said, bold enough to say the name.

“Who owns you?” JC asked.

“You do, you do,” Justin said.

JC’s finger thrust into Justin’s body. It was slick with something, and Justin frankly didn’t care what. JC didn’t ask first, and didn’t take it slow, because there was no reason to. Justin’s body was JC’s to do with as he wanted.

“I remember you,” JC said. “You’re the one who’s in love with me.”

“Yes,” Justin said, and his hips jerked at the sudden stimulation of JC’s finger plunging deeper.

“Tell me, Justin.” JC pulled his finger out. “Why do you love me?” He pulled Justin’s hips back and Justin felt his hard-on for the first time.

Justin moaned, pushing back against JC, offering himself. He still hadn’t looked, but he knew who was back there. JC. JC Chasez. JC Chasez arrogant and dressed with an erection Justin had been born to take. He wasn’t crying anymore, at least he didn’t think so, but if he was it didn’t matter. His emotions were secondary to JC’s wants.

JC had asked him a question. Why did he love JC. Why did he love JC? He loved JC because-

-too big and rock-hard and unforgiving, JC’s cock slammed forth into Justin’s ass. Justin cried out, and the hand that wasn’t on the wall clutched at the back of the sofa as JC bent him over and thrust into him all the way, all the way, he had JC, JC Chasez, all of JC Chasez’s dick, inside his body. JC wrapped a slender, muscular arm around his waist and lifted him back onto JC’s dick, holding him there, fucking into him.

It was bigger, it was better, it was more outrageously perfect than Justin had remembered. He lowered his head, lips parted, tears dripping onto the couch, needy animal grunts issued on every thrust, panting screams choked off by the smack of JC’s hand on his ass, cum splattering the cushions at his body’s will.

“If you love me, I shouldn’t have to ask you twice, Justin,” JC said, his voice as calmly controlled as if they were discussing the weather.

Justin was hot with shame. JC shouldn’t have to ask twice. JC shouldn’t have to remind him. He should have answered JC’s question the second it had been asked. He answered it quickly and fervently now, his voice catching on sobs, confessing at length and in detail why he loved JC. He covered everything he’d told JC before, and added all of the new ways his heart bled.

JC’s thrusts were deep and very steady, jolting Justin’s body on every long stroke. Justin talked right through them, because the way his voice shook and broke was unimportant; he was giving his love to JC. After a while, however, his own echoing cries for mercy began to take over his confession. At first, when JC smacked his ass it would shock him out of his building screams and back into speech, but now they were only another extension of the pleasure. He began to rock into JC’s thrusts, fucking himself on JC’s erection, closing his eyes and letting all of the sound out.

He couldn’t hear JC over his own cries, and he had no idea how to make himself shut up so he could listen. His control over his own body was lost, which was only right. His body wasn’t his own; it was JC’s, to be used however JC wished it.

He knew JC was coming because he could feel the hot spurts of semen on his back when JC pulled out and came on him. That was barely over when JC spanked him, a stinging blow that made him call out. It hurt but the hurt was good, and when JC did it again, he started to beg for more. JC spanked him harder and harder, striking a slightly different spot each time to keep him guessing, until he came from it. Then JC flipped him over, dropped him to the floor, and fucked him there.

He saw JC come.

He watched it. He heard it. He lived it.

When JC left, he curled up, sobbing and used, damaged by the beauty of it.

Joey didn’t know what JC had done to Justin this time. He didn't think anyone else would pick up on it, but since he'd spent years with Justin, he noticed that Justin was sitting kind of gingerly all day, like it hurt. It was kind of weird, too, because Joey couldn’t remember JC ever having hurt Justin before. Justin looked kind of shaken, too, used-up and hollow-eyed. The weirdest thing of all was how JC kept his distance, not being rude or mean but just giving Justin space. And JC never gave Justin space. That was a foreign concept to JC.

Joey had bigger problems, though. Chris. Chris, who’d had such good sex that Howie’d had to pay the hotel for the damage. It seemed like Chris didn’t know why Howie had left.

Maybe Howie hadn’t left because of him. Maybe Howie really did have business to tend to. Of course Howie really did have business to tend to. Howie wouldn’t leave Chris because of Joey. That was stupid. It wasn’t Joey’s fault. It had nothing to do with Joey.

He said something to Brian about it.

Very politely but leaving no room for misunderstanding, Brian told him why Howie had left.

Oh.

Damn.

Drew had to attend a group meeting in the back of the bus. Nick stayed in the bunk, pretending that he was healthy, flipping through Drew’s girly magazines for pictures of Brian. Hi, JC. Hi, Justin. Hi, AJ. Oh, wow, extreme close-up of himself. Oh, how cute, a little poster of 98 Degrees. He checked out Drew’s body, decided that Drew was extremely hot, and moved on. Mmm, Brian. That hit the spot.

He’d heard movement and voices like the meeting was over, but Drew wasn’t back yet, which gave Nick time to close his eyes, pretend he was healthy, and think good thoughts about Brian. The bus was pretty quiet, except for a low conversation in the background. Sounded like Drew and Nick. Drew was still going back and forth over the whole Jeff thing, but Drew and Nick were getting tight again, which was the way it should be.

Nick opened his eyes and looked at Brian some more. This picture was right up Brian’s nose. He picked another one.

Ah, laughter with the talking. Good brotherly bonding. As long as he could keep pushing himself in Jeff’s direction, and Brian was far away, everything might be okay. The trouble was going to come when they all went back to Brian. Brian might see that things were going well, and be okay with it; or, Brian might send Nick and Jeff packing and lock him inside where he was safe from the in-laws.

Drew’s input would make a big difference in Brian’s reaction, but Drew was a wild card in this one. Drew had major ties to Jeff, but Drew also had this fierce Nick-first thing happening, which was really flattering but not necessarily conducive to world harmony. Would Drew fight Brian and push for forgiveness and a return to happier times, or would Drew help Brian kick everybody out and lock Nick in a tower?

More laughter. Happy bus sounds. That was good. Drew was happy. Nick closed his eyes and fantasized about Drew being happy and Brian being happy. Happy and naked and rolling around on a bed together. Did he want Brian on top or Drew on top?

Someone was getting in the bunk with him. He put his hand on the someone and felt a warm hard body, abs and ribcage, under soft cotton. Drew.

“Do you have any Tums?” Drew asked.

What a weird question. What... Oh. Nick opened his eyes. There was something nervous and scared and hurt and eager in Drew’s eyes. Oops. Okay. Nick kissed Drew and let Drew look at him.

Minutes passed.

Being stared at was okay and everything, and Nick didn’t mind staring back because he liked looking at Drew, but he also liked to talk. “What happened?”

“He wanted to know if you’re all right, how you’re feeling. I told him you’re pretending you feel better.”

“And?”

“We started talking about you, and how easy it is to feel protective of you even though you’re a grown man and can take care of yourself.”

“And?”

“We got a little too close to bringing up things we’re not supposed to talk about, and I remembered things I’m not supposed to think about.”

“Like what?”

“Like the look on your face when he made love to you.”

Oh. Hell. Nick let Drew look into his eyes some more. As a rule, he tried not to think about that whole thing. People could talk about what a whore he was, but the number of men he’d actually had sex with was very small. Brian. Drew. And, um, yeah, once, one time, Drew’s brother. But somehow, that one didn’t count. It hadn’t been him. It hadn’t been real. It had been a serious fantasy in an alternate reality. He couldn’t believe it had happened. He wasn’t sure that it had. It had been so...vivid, so intense, and it was all wrapped in soft heat inside him somewhere.

“What are you thinking about?” Drew asked.

“Nothing.” He closed his eyes and let Drew touch his face.

“I never made you look like that,” Drew said softly. “I’ve never seen Brian make you look like that.”

He’d never felt like that.

Drew was in his hair now.

He loved Drew. And he loved knowing, feeling, Drew’s love for him.

“You never have to give anyone else your body,” Drew said. “That’s your gift to give or not. It’s always up to you.”

Nick opened his eyes. “How did we jump topics that far?”

“It’s not far,” Drew said. “I was thinking about...that, and then I thought about the way you used to be with Jeff. Before, as much as you two flirted, I can’t believe you never got anywhere with each other.”

“I did suck his dick.”

“Other than that.”

“What, that doesn’t count?”

“Let me talk.”

“Okay, talk.”

“If you were doing anything with Jeff now, I’d be afraid that it was because you thought that if you didn’t, something might happen. I don’t want you to feel like that. I don’t want you to be pressured into anything, especially not sex. You don’t have to give that or share that with anyone unless it’s truly what you want.”

“I know.”

“Do you?”

“Yeah. Mostly. I’m working on it. I think from now on, I’m only going to let you and Brian use me for sex. Nobody else gets a piece.”

“Brian and I do not use you for sex.”

“Yes, you do. It’s okay. I use you for sex right back.”

“That is not true!”

“Think about it. When you get horny, what’s the first thing you do?”

“Look at you to see what you’re wearing and how I can get it off.”

Nick laughed.

Drew put his hand under Nick’s shirt on Nick’s skin. “You still have a fever.”

“Barely.”

“Nick says if you worked out more, you wouldn’t get sick.”

“Nick’s full of shit. I’ve been working out with him, and it hasn’t changed a thing.”

“You’re ruining Justin’s life, you know.”

“Justin J.? How?”

“Since Nick’s working out with you, Jeff doesn’t have a partner. He can’t work out with me, because I’ve been avoiding him. So he keeps trying to recruit Justin.”

“Justin J.? Working out with Jeff?”

“If you’d give Nick back to Jeff, I could work out with you.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“It’s none of your business what I lift and don’t lift.”

“Nick, I’m not going to judge you.”

“Right.”

“I’ve never judged you. You know that. I love your body, and you know that. I have a good idea of how strong you are physically, and I know for sure how strong you are emotionally.”

“You’re just jealous I work out with Nick and not with you.”

“Yes! Why does he get to work out with you?”

“Because he’s my dog. He’s my buddy. We’re tight like that.”

“We’re tight like that.”

“Poor Drew. Do you feel left out?”

“No. Yes. No. Why won’t you work out with me?”

“Have you looked at yourself ever?”

“Kind of short, big nose, bunch of tattoos.”

“You are really ripped. Seriously ripped. Arms, back, legs, you have abs like a motherfucker, it’s all out of a wicked wet dream. I don’t look like that.”

“You look beautiful. I have abs like a what?”

“Like a motherfucker.” Nick tweaked Drew’s nose. “A sexy motherfucker.”

“Are you implying that I am a sexy motherfucker?”

“Don’t swear.”

“Sorry,” Drew said.

“I like your thighs, too.”

“Thanks. I like your thighs. Don’t give me that look. I do.”

“Okay, I believe you.” Nick thought about it. “Your brother has great thighs.”

“Tell me about it.”

“They’re so fucking...”

“I know. Change the subject.”

“Jeff’s thighs.”

“Change the subject.”

“But Jeff’s thighs are so-”

“Change the subject!”

“I like Brian’s thighs.”

“Me, too.”

“Put your hand right there and squeeze...”

“Oh, that’s good,” Drew said, remembering.

“When we get home, we’re going to be all over him.”

“Yes.”

“I wonder...”

“What?”

“Well, remember how I said I was going to get the two of you two do me, one-two one-two?”

“It’s kind of hard to forget.”

“What if instead of me, we did Brian?”

Drew’s jaw dropped.

“Can you imagine?”

“Yes.”

“Let me do him first.”

“Why do you get to?”

“Your dick’s bigger. Let him work his way up to it.”

“That’s not-”

“I get to go first and third. Those are the best spots. First when he’s still hungry for it and can’t get enough. Third when he’s overstimulated and can’t believe it’s still happening.”

“We can’t really do it.”

“Sure we can.”

“He wouldn’t want us to.”

“Sure he would.”

“No.”

“Why not? I keep telling you, Drew, he’s been holding back a lot for your sake. If he let go, he’d be a raunchy pervert nympho like me.”

“You’re not a-”

“Whatever. You get my point. He’d let us do him one-two one-two. Once we get started, he’ll be begging for more. And don’t give me that ‘not my Brian’ stuff, because he may be your Brian but I’m his Nick, and I’ve been servicing that man’s needs for years. I know what he wants.”

“You’ve...done this with him before?”

“I’ve done him a bunch of times in a row. I was really horny and he was going through a phase of getting off on how many times I could get it up. And you should have been there the night he did it to me. Longest night of my life. He licked me open, and then he got out the lube and gave me his fingers, and then he just started. His dick, his fingers, his dick, the vibrator, the beads, his dick, his fingers, the vibrator, his dick, fucking me and fucking me and fucking me. God damn, I was so extremely fucked over, crying and begging him for more, more, and he just kept fucking me and fucking me with everything he could think of.”

Drew stared at him, trying to imagine it.

“I have to get him to do that to me again.”

“Is that true?” Drew asked.

“Is what true?”

“That story. Brian wouldn’t do that to you.”

“I thought you could tell when I’m lying.”

“How many times?”

“How many times what?”

“How many times did he penetrate you?”

“I don’t remember. He doesn’t remember, either. You don’t believe me. Ask him.”

“You know I can’t ask him.”

“You really don’t believe me.”

“Brian would not do that to you.”

“Brian’s a pervert. He’s nasty and kinky. He loves my ass. Loves my ass. We went through this period where everything was still really new, and everything was still really exciting, and we tried all sorts of shit out on each other. That night he just got so freaking fascinated with me he couldn’t stop doing shit to me.”

“What are beads?”

“You don’t know - - of course you don’t know what beads are. They’re, well, they’re beads. On a string. They come in different sizes. Brian likes the way it looks and I like the way it feels, so he does it to me more than I do it to him. You push them in, one by one, as many as you want. Just feed them on in. See how many you want, how many fit. Then you pull them out again, one by one. Sometimes they vibrate.”

“Vibrate?”

“We had vibrating ones, but AJ stole them. Not for sex, to play a prank on Kevin. Kevin got mad and broke them.”

“And they feel good?”

“Oh, yeah. If you get off on the way getting fucked and fingered feels. You would love it.”

Drew turned red.

Nick grinned.

“Be quiet.”

“Drew, you can come just from getting fucked. I know you would love ass toys.”

“Do you have to call them that?”

“Ass toys.”

“Nick!”

“God, I can just see you. I love the way you fight how good it feels, but you just can’t deny it and your body-”

“Nick!”

“Wait, stop, hold on,” Nick said, closing his eyes. “I think I’m going to throw up.”

“Now?”

“I’m all turned on.”

Oh. Right. Kevin’s instructions. “Stop being turned on.”

“It’s your fault.”

“I didn’t do anything.”

“I was thinking about sex with Brian and sex with you and damn, stop, stop.”

“I'm not doing anything!”

“Don’t be so fucking sexy.”

“Sorry.”

“So fucking sexy.” Nick closed his eyes. “Go away. I want to fuck you. Go.”

Drew lingered where he’d stopped on top of Nick. “I don’t want to go while you’re sick.”

“Go away. Get Justin for me. I like Justin. He’s great company and I don’t want to screw him.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, go. The longer you stay, the more I think about fucking you. Go.”

Drew slid his hand down to Nick’s hip. “Fucking me how? Where?”

“I want to exploit your ass like Brian exploited mine. Just fuck you and fuck you and fuck you all night with my tongue and my fingers and my dick and a vibrator and-”

“Oh, god,” Drew said against Nick’s neck.

“I can see it, the way you’d look, your body fighting it and denying it but begging for it, begging for it so hard.”

“If I beg for it, will you give it to me?” Drew asked, starting to feel that need.

“God, yes, I’ll - - oh - -” Nick pushed Drew out of his way and jumped out of the bunk.

Drew kicked himself.

Nick came back. “You, out.”

“I’m sorry,” Drew said.

“Horny little Drew,” Nick said. “I’m going to deal with you later. Out.”

“I’m sorry,” Drew said again. “Can I get you anything?”

“No. Just go.”

Drew got up, wrapped up some ice from the kitchen, and handed it in to Nick.

“This is not the time for kinky sex games, Drew.”

Drew rolled his eyes. “Put it on your neck.” He kissed Nick's cheek and left him alone.

“Maybe you should take Kevin’s advice next time,” Justin said.

“How did you...” Drew smacked Justin’s arm. “Don’t listen in on my private conversations!”

“I distinctly remember you being on the phone with Kevin, saying ‘no sex.’ No sex means no sex. Leave the poor boy alone while he’s ill.”

“I wasn’t, he’s not, I-”

“Taking advantage of people on their sickbeds,” Justin said. “What kind of hormonal sex fiend are you?”

“I am not a hormonal sex fiend!”

Three unseen people snorted.

JC’s hand, smacking bright shock against his naked flesh, the sound of it, the sharp flare of it, a new spot each time so he never knew what to expect. It had started off as a quick smack to get his attention, to remind him where his focus should be, but then...

He’d been spanked. He’d been fucking spanked by JC Chasez.

Never, JC had never hit him, never-

But this wasn’t hitting, this wasn’t violence for the sake of pain, he wasn’t bruised. It was just... It had been...

It had been sex. And it had put him in his place.

His place.

He was JC’s.

JC had remembered him. JC hadn’t forgotten him.

JC had fucked him. Come on him, both times, on him. First on his ass, then on his chest. So totally fucking degrading. God, he’d loved it. Wanted it. Gloried in it.

He wanted JC to come on his face.

He had to make it happen. He had to see JC again. He’d find JC, track JC down, and beg, beg and plead until JC took pity on him and-

“Justin.”

Justin whipped around, guilt-stricken, trying to hide the naked need on his face, backing up to create space between them.

God, when was the last time he’d forced distance between himself and JC?

JC looked at him slowly, taking it in, processing.

Justin didn’t know what to say.

JC offered Justin his hand.

Justin wanted to take it. He knew that JC would love him and cherish him and treat him well, treat him like a prince, treat him like a god. JC would take care of him and never hurt him, never abuse his love.

JC was waiting.

Justin looked down at JC’s hand. JC’s wrist. That blue bracelet. He’d seen it earlier today, a flash of blue, he’d been jerked and spun and dropped and he’d seen it as he fell. JC had pushed his thighs apart and moved in and he’d felt that bracelet against his thigh. Now, remembering, that spot prickled with heat and Justin’s dick swelled hard.

“Justin,” JC said.

“Get away from me,” Justin said, shoving JC away and backing up. “Get away from me. You’re not him. I want him!”

“He’s not good for you, baby,” JC said, coming closer again.

“Give him to me!” Justin said. “You gave him to me once, you gave him to me twice, give him to me again! I want him! I need him!”

“He doesn’t love you! He doesn’t care about you, baby. He doesn’t even know who you are.”

“I love him,” Justin said, grabbing JC’s shirt with a desperate hand. “Give him to me.”

“No. He’s not good for you. He hurts your body and he dirties your soul.”

“It’s his to dirty if he wants to.”

“What happened, Justin? What is he doing to you? You’re getting worse.”

“Give him to me! Bring him back! I love him and he wants me! He likes to fuck me, I know he does. You can’t keep him away from me. He’ll be back, I know he’ll come back, and when he does I’ll be there.”

“He is not coming back. He’s hurting you and I won’t let that happen. You don’t need him, Justin. You don’t need him.”

“I do!” Justin shouted, furious at JC for denying him. “You don’t know what I need! You’ve never known what I need! I’ve wanted him all along, he was always the one I wanted. You’re just the substitute, the stand-in, because I thought I’d never get him. Now I’ve had him and I don’t want you anymore! I never wanted you! It was him, it’s always been him!”

“Do you want him?” JC asked.

“Yes! Give him to me!”

“He’s the one you want?”

“Yes!” Justin shouted.

“He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t care about you. You don’t matter to him. You’re not a person, you’re not an identity, you’re just another body in just another city. He’s better than you. He likes it when you say things to him, but you’ll never touch his heart because you’ll never be close enough to it. The more desperate you are, the more you offer yourself to be used, the more he’ll use you. He isn’t naturally degrading, but since you’re asking him to degrade you, he’s doing it because he can. You’re lowering yourself and raising him, more and more, every time. And he’ll go along with it, because he likes being in that position. But at the end of the day it doesn’t mean anything to him. He has his life, his friends, his own lovers. You’re another body in another city.”

“I love him,” Justin said.

“You don’t know him any better than he knows you. It’s sex, it’s a scene played out in the course of the day, but it doesn’t mean anything to his reality. You’ve shared a lot of yourself with him, but you haven’t shared who you are, your personality, your jokes and your interests, your dreams and your history. And he hasn’t given you anything of himself but his cum on your skin.”

“I know who he is.”

“Sex isn’t knowing unless the knowing is already there. You haven’t talked with him. You haven’t spent time with him. You don’t know his private goals, his personal battles... You don’t know his loves. He does love. But you don’t know that.”

“He loves who?” Justin asked, feeling a wound so deep he bled inside.

“If you ever see him again, you should ask him,” JC said. “He might tell you.” JC walked away.

Justin sat on the floor, bowing his head, closing his eyes.

“Shouldn’t you be going up to the soundbooth?” Drew asked.

“No, not yet,” Nick said. “Is your hair supposed to look like that?”

“Yes. Go harass someone else,” Drew said.

“Hey, Justin-”

“Someone else,” Justin suggested.

“Hey, Jeff,” Nick said.

Jeff looked up. “What?”

“Can I come onstage with you guys tonight?”

“No,” Jeff said. “You don’t know any of the choreography.”

“How hard can it be?” Nick asked. He pretended to straighten Jeff’s shirt over Jeff’s shoulders. “This looks good on you.”

“Thanks. You look good, too,” Jeff said. “You’re feeling better?”

“Yeah. Drew finally left me alone so I could rest.”

“That is not-”

“Am I talking to you?” Nick asked Drew. “I didn’t think so. Stay out of it.” He smoothed the shirt down Jeff’s chest. “You should take this off and go out there shirtless.”

“We wear clothes for our concerts these days,” Jeff said. He gently moved Nick’s hand. “Not the nipple.”

“I was just-”

“I’m sure you were, and I appreciate it, but no, thank you.”

“Would you go out there shirtless if I took off my shirt, too?”

“No, but it’s a nice offer.”

Nick thought about it, rubbing Jeff’s biceps meditatively. “Hey, Nick Lachey.”

“Hey, Nick Carter,” Nick said from his chair.

“Would you go out there without your shirt on?”

“Do you want me to?”

“Me? No. I’ve never been interested in your body. So, Jeff-”

“You’ve never what?” Nick asked.

Justin got up and moved to a corner.

“You’re my dog, and everything, but sexually you do nothing for me,” Nick said to Nick. “Now, Jeff, if I can get everybody else to go out there shirtless, will you do it, too?”

“I don’t think they want to go out there shirtless,” Jeff said.

“What about pantsless?”

“It’s time for you to go to the soundbooth,” Drew said, tugging at Nick’s elbow.

“Drew, the adults are talking,” Nick said. “Jeff and I are having a very serious wardrobe discussion, and it’s rude of you to interrupt.”

“You’re feeling him up and trying to get him naked,” Drew said.

“Drew, Jeff is married. When have I ever hit on a married man?”

Drew looked at him.

“You don’t count. Justin J., you’ll go out there without your shirt on, right?”

“In a heartbeat,” Justin said. “It’s these body-shy guys who are holding me back.”

“See?” Nick said to Drew. “You’re not being fair to Justin.”

Drew pried Nick’s hand from Jeff’s arm. “Go to the soundbooth. Later we’re going to have a nice long talk about keeping your hands to yourself.”

“Brian never tried to lecture me on that.”

“Brian’s a pervert,” Drew said. “Go.”

“Did you all hear what Drew just said?” Nick asked.

“We heard,” Jeff said, smiling.

“I have witnesses,” Nick said to Drew. “I’m telling Brian.”

“Good. It’s about time he owned up to it. Go on.”

Nick patted Jeff’s chest, kissed Drew, waved to Justin, and left.

“I don’t do anything for him sexually?” Nick asked.

Drew sighed and sat down.

“It’s all right,” Jeff said, reaching over and squeezing Nick’s shoulder. “You do something for me sexually.”

“You don’t do anything for me, but I like it that way,” Justin said.

“Why do you listen to him when you know he’s lying?” Drew asked Nick.

“Why do you let him grope Jeff?” Nick asked.

“He wants to be close to Jeff again, and that’s his confused, hurt, self-deprecating way of doing it,” Drew said. “Jeff’s so desperate to have Nick back, he won’t stop it even though he knows he should.”

“Hey,” Jeff said.

“You know it’s not good for him to think sex is his only resort,” Nick said.

“I know. I’m going to talk to him about it,” Drew said.

“Stop being the smart ones with insight!” Jeff said. “You’re running all over my territory.”

“Hey, without you and Brian around, I’ve had to start fending for myself,” Drew said. “I may not be able to write the book on Nick, but I’m getting there.”

“Every time he talks to me, he touches me,” Jeff said. “He’s so fragile right now, if I push him away he’ll run.”

“He touches me every time he talks to me, too, but I don’t think it’s the same way,” Justin said.

“It’s just the way he is,” Drew said. “Jeff, you don’t have to push him away. He has to decide to stop it on his own, if it’s not what he wants.”

“What if it is what he wants?” Nick asked.

“Why would he want sex from Jeff?” Drew asked.

“Thanks a lot,” Jeff said.

“Maybe that is what he wants,” Nick said again.

Drew thought about it.

Justin didn’t want JC to touch him.

JC didn’t try.

They slept with space between them on the bed, their backs to each other.

In the morning, Justin masturbated until it hurt. When he got up and went into the bathroom for a shower, JC rolled over and licked his cum off of the sheets.

Nick actually liked working out with Nick, because Nick always made him work hard but was never a jerk about it. It was kind of dangerous, though, because this hormonal charge kept developing between them. There was the sweat, the physical exertion, being aware of their own bodies, being aware of each other’s body, whatever chemical things were happening inside, plus the fact that Nick had to be used to working out with Jeff every day, if not Drew, and there had to be a lot of repressed and sometimes even expressed urges then.

Nick needed a safe topic of conversation to distract himself from staring at the amazing ways Nick’s body could move. “You like Brian, right?”

“Of course,” Nick said.

What sexy sweat. “Does him being a Backstreet Boy have anything to do with it?”

“I don’t like him because he’s a Backstreet Boy, I like him in spite of it.”

“Jerk.” Damn. Heavy.

“Keep breathing.”

“I’m breathing.”

“Brian isn’t a very good Backstreet Boy, anyway,” Nick said. “AJ, now there’s a Backstreet Boy. Kevin, yes. You, absolutely. Not Brian.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You know what I’m talking about.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Whatever. Jerk.

“Keep-”

“I am breathing! Do you like me because I’m a Backstreet Boy?”

“Drew does.”

“What?”

“Drew. Does.”

“My Drew?”

“Do you have to call him that?”

“Yes.”

“Fine. Yes, your Drew. I think he was interested in your Backstreet side from day one.”

Well, now. This could be interesting.

“Don’t grin like that. You look maniacal. Why are you asking?”

“I was talking to JC. Did you say ‘maniacal?’”

“Why does everyone think that Drew’s the smart one? My vocabulary consists of more than grunts and chest-thumping.”

“You could call Jeff your Jeff.”

“He isn’t my Jeff. I don’t own him. He’s a human being.”

“Are you sure?”

“Sure of what? That he’s a human being? Short of running a DNA test-”

“Sure you don’t own him.”

“I don’t own anyone. I don’t have ownership over Jeff. We’re partners.”

“Try it.”

“Try what?”

“Try owning him.”

“And how would I do that? Tie a collar around his neck and - - get that gleam out of your eye.”

“You would look really good with a collar around your neck.”

“We’re talking about Jeff.”

“You would look really good.”

“Nick...”

“Drew is the smart one.”

“What?”

“You’re lousy at following a conversation.”

“You’re lousy at holding a conversation.”

“Drew is the smart one.”

“Why?”

“Because he snatched me up the minute he could. Bet you wish you had.”

“You’re too much for me. I’m very happy in my boring marriage.”

“Tell me the downsides to being married.”

“Downsides?”

“Yeah.” He watched Nick think. “You look sexy when you look stupid.”

Nick gave him a look. “Thanks.”

“Congratulations on not saying it back to me.”

“It was tempting.”

“I know.”

“The downsides to being married? I can’t think of any.”

“It’s fun being trapped?”

“I’m not trapped.”

“You’re tied to one person for the rest of your life, come hell or high water.”

“I want to be tied to Jeff for the rest of my life. That’s why I asked him to marry me.”

“You’re sick.”

“I’m in love. You’re in love, too.”

“Yes, but I’m not married.”

“You want to be.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Yes, you do.”

“Yeah. I do. But I’m not going to be, so why worry about it?”

“You do worry about it. You think about it all of the time.”

“You don’t know that.”

“You talk about it a lot.”

Nick gave up, dropping the weights for good, sighing.

“You could find someone to perform a ceremony. You’re celebrities. Someone will do it.”

“They’re so cute and they’re so happy being married to each other. I don’t want to mess that up for them.”

“It’ll only make them happier. And it would make you feel better.”

“Maybe.”

“Definitely.”

“You and Jeff really love each other.”

“We do.”

“Does it ever hurt?”

“Sometimes.”

“It’s not supposed to.”

“It wouldn’t be love if it didn’t.” Nick came over and sat beside him. They sat shoulder-to-shoulder, sharing sweat. “Every time I hear from Brian, I think of how wrong it is that I talk to him almost every day, and you don’t.”

“Yeah, it sucks.”

“Do you want me to tell him anything for you? Is there anything you want him to know?”

“I want to tell him everything, because he always knows everything, and it’s weird to have anything in my life that he doesn’t know. But I don’t have anything specific to tell him. There’s no grand message. Except that Drew loves me. Really loves me. I almost think a part of him needs me.”

“You know Drew loves you.”

“I forgot it was like this. It hasn’t been like this in a while. It’s different when it’s just me and Drew, without Brian. He lets himself be more vulnerable to me when he’s alone with me. When Brian’s around, Drew grows up.”

“Is Brian different when Drew’s around?”

“Yeah. They both become mature adults. They are mature adults, but they’re other things, too. They’re less horny around each other, like they’re both afraid to let each other know how sex-driven they are. Brian shaped my sexuality, and I’m the first person Drew trusted with his body, so they’re not afraid to let me see shit. But since I know how they are in private, I know they’re holding back when they’re with each other.”

“Sex-driven? Brian?”

“He does a great job of faking people out, because I’m the only person who knows that about him! Why doesn’t anyone else see it? Brian’s a perverted horndog. Why do you think I’m this way? He’s the one who taught me.”

“He’s not a perverted horndog.”

“It’s because he acts like a country boy Christian boy choir boy, isn’t it? It’s because he acts like he’s one hundred percent heterosexual. He’s so freaking respectable.”

“I can’t see him as sex-driven.”

“He’s a sex freak. I’m telling you! He’s kinky.”

“No, he’s not.”

“I give up. You win. Brian’s a respectable pillar of the community who holds hands and gives dry kisses. The whip and the purple leather jumpsuit were totally my imagination.”

“The what?!”

“Do you always believe everything people say to you?”

“Not anymore! Did you say purple leather jumpsuit?”

“I guess blue would be better. Purple’s more Drew’s color.”

“Brian is not a sex freak. You’re a sex freak.”

“Not as much as you’d think.”

Nick rubbed his arm. “No, I know you’re not.”

“I would say I’m very enthusiastic about sex.”

“Yeah, I’d say that. But that’s okay. It makes sense to be enthusiastic about something you’re good at.”

He turned his head and looked at Nick.

Nick kept looking straight ahead.

“Did you just say that I’m good at sex?”

“We should go,” Nick said, standing.

“Coward. Hey, you didn’t answer my question.” He got up, too, so Nick wouldn’t escape.

“What question?” Nick asked, looking at him now that the subject had changed.

“Do you like me because I’m a Backstreet Boy?”

“I already answered that question.”

“No, you said that Drew does. You didn’t say anything about yourself. And let me mention how rare that is.”

“We should go.”

“Coward!” Nick yelled after him.

matthew@matthewtime.com
"Where You Belong" Part Thirteen
"Where You Belong"
"Living"
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