"Where You Belong"

Where You Belong, eighth in the "Living" series

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Thus far we've had JC/Justin, Nick/Drew/Brian, Nick/Jeff, Nick/Drew/Brian/Nick/Jeff, AJ/Lance, AJ/Howie, AJ/Kevin, Chris/Howie, and partridge/pear tree.

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashwriters.

Wherein Drew won't go behind Brian's back, AJ can screw anybody he wants, and could JC be mellowing?

Notice: First, read "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," "Rest in Peace," "Destiny," and "Together." I know it sounds like a lot, but it'll only take you an hour or two.

“I believed him!” Joey told Lance, again.

“I know,” Lance said, again.

“I believed him! He apologized to me! He said that he was sorry! He said that the pranks were over and I believed him!”

“I know,” Lance said. Brian was good.

“I trusted him! All that shit he pulled, and he said he was sorry and I trusted him! And then he-”

“I know,” Lance said. If Joey was going to keep talking and not let him go to his room to sleep, he’d sleep where he was. He dropped onto Joey’s bed.

“You know what this means,” Joey said.

“What?” Lance asked, since Joey seemed to want an answer. If Joey was about to declare war, he was leaving the tour.

“I’m going to go to him on my knees and beg for mercy.”

Sounded like JC and Justin’s sex life.

“And then I’m going to pull such a bad-ass prank on him, he’ll never think of doing another thing to me.”

Lance groaned and found a pillow.

“You’re going to help me.”

Oh, hell.

Justin was tired and his thighs hurt, but he opened his eyes anyway. Bed. He was in bed. The room was dark, and he was dry. JC was awake.

“Baby?” JC rubbed his back.

He vaguely remembered JC coaxing him, dragging him out of the tub and drying him off gently. He didn’t know what to say now. He never was sure what to say after...what could he even call it? Extreme sex? He was embarrassed, but he couldn’t act embarrassed because that would hurt JC’s feelings. JC didn’t understand that their sex life wasn’t normal. JC was merely expressing love for Justin. Couldn’t JC just buy him some flowers or something? No, JC had to express love through back-breaking mind-blowing blood-boiling sanity-defying sex.

JC said, “Justin,” softly, gently.

That was all it took. Justin slid his hand down JC’s back and breathed, “I love you.”

Chris licked at the head of Howie's cock. The sound of Howie's soft groan settled in his ears and started echoing with pleasure. He licked down the shaft, crooking his finger inside Howie and making Howie squirm. Not that Howie ever did anything as ungraceful as squirming.

Chris licked down around the base of Howie's cock and into Howie's pubic hair. He liked Howie's pubic hair. It was so dark it lured him right in, and it was curly, and it was almost silky, which was new and intriguing for Chris. Maybe licking pubic hair wasn't the greatest of all sexual acts, but Chris liked to do it, Howie never seemed to mind it, and Chris knew for a fact that JC did it to Justin because Justin said it tickled.

Taking a detour to investigate that fascinating muscle in Howie's thigh sounded like a great idea, but Howie was starting to say Chris's name, so Chris went back to sucking on Howie's dick. He was trying to make Howie develop an unconscious association between his name and good sex. Maybe then "Chris" wouldn't bring to mind "stupid jokes" or "annoying habit of following me around with moon eyes" but something more along the lines of "yay, orgasms" or "good to my dick."

He wondered what really did pop up in Howie's mind if someone said "Chris."

When Chris thought of Howie, he thought of the way Howie always listened to, and laughed at, his jokes. He thought of the way Howie kissed him in bed. He thought of the fact that he was way too in love with one human being, and if Howie ever left him, he'd lose his main reason for living. Oh, he had other reasons for living, like JC, Justin, Lance, Joey, and fear of death. If Howie left, he wouldn't kill himself or anything. But he'd never find love again, and that was going to be hard to live with.

Howie was the one he loved. This was the one person he was in love with, the one person he wanted to be with. There was no one else. That was very final. Kind of scary.

It was absolutely no reason to get married, though. Not that he'd ever thought about marrying Howie. Not that he'd ever considered proposing to Howie. No, no, no proposing. Never going to happen. Certainly hadn't already happened. No, no. Not at all.

It was getting more and more dangerous to give blowjobs. Every time Chris was down here like this, he started licking things, and he started to think about other places he could put his tongue. He really, really wanted to lick Howie in a very bad place. It was so tight and private, it made him want to test it with his tongue. He'd already put his fingers and his dick there, so why not?

But it was so personal. It was so...extreme. What if Howie didn't like it? Howie had asked for it, but people asked for things all the time that it turned out they really didn't want. Like bad haircuts. Not that Chris had ever had one of those.

He wished he could do it without Howie finding out about it, but that was unlikely. He wished he could make Howie unconscious, do it, and then let Howie wake up again like nothing had ever happened.

No, he didn't. He'd miss all of Howie's reactions, all of the sounds Howie would make, the way Howie might move. He wanted to know if Howie made different noises during that. He loved the sounds Howie made during sex. The soft groans, the little moans, the way Howie said his name in that low, breathy tone. And sometimes Howie's voice got sort of...high. In a good, sexy way, of course. But that made it hard to listen to Howie sing without getting hard.

It was possible that Chris had developed a whole series of minor kinks just around Howie. It was possible.

He'd been trying to convince himself that he liked making Howie laugh because his sense of humor was the cornerstone of his self-image, and not because Howie's laughter reminded him of that sound Howie made right when Chris thrust into him.

Joined at the soul.

According to Nick, the songs Brian was writing for the Sentimental Fools were autobiographical, in a therapeutic way. JC was taking the opportunity to write songs that he couldn’t write for *NSYNC, and so was Brian.

Joined at the soul.

Brian was writing about himself and Nick. Who else could “joined at the soul” describe, other than JC and Justin?

Brian and Nick. How would Brian write about that? How would Brian describe their love, their bond, their connection?

Drew found himself staring at Nick, wondering. Trying to do it himself. He’d written love songs, and he’d had Nick and/or Brian in mind when he’d written them, but he hadn’t put his, well, his soul on paper like that. He wasn’t sure he could.

Joined at the soul. How could two people’s souls be joined? Linked. A permanent connection. A sharing.

Drew ran his thumb over Nick’s cheek. A small part of him wondered if Brian had felt that.

“Holy shit.” Joey yanked JC’s shirt back up again.

Lance stared. He would have stared under normal circumstances, because JC had a beautiful back. There was not an ounce of fat on JC, just taut male perfection. And right now, there was a mass of cat scratches.

JC pulled his shirt down again, turning. He didn’t have to explain, because they knew what had happened.

“That has to hurt,” Joey said.

“It’s fine,” JC said. Like they’d ever get him to admit that Justin hurt him.

“Can’t you put something on it?” Joey asked.

“It’s fine,” JC repeated.

“JC,” Joey said. “You need to stop having wild crazy sex.” He poked JC in the forehead. “And stop getting Justin excited.”

“Okay, sure, Joey, I’ll try that,” JC said, and smiled.

Joey laughed. “You’re the only guy I know who needs to put on protective gear for sex. Tell you what. I’ll go to the store and get some nail clippers for Justin, some kneepads for Nick Carter, another mirror for Howie, and some combat gear for you.”

“You’re lucky Chris didn’t hear you say that,” Lance said.

“Chris would’ve agreed with me,” Joey said.

“You shouldn’t say shit about Nick, though, man,” JC said.

“He’s on his knees more than he’s onstage,” Joey said.

“Come on, that’s not true,” JC said. “You don’t talk about me and Justin like that.”

“That’s different,” Joey said. “That’s-”

“Hey, what’s going on?” Justin asked, coming into the room. “Howie was walking Brian out like he had to drag him off some drama.”

“Howie was walking Brian out of here?” Lance asked. “Away from here?”

“Just now?” JC asked.

“Yeah, here, now,” Justin said. “What’s going on?”

“What did I say?” Joey asked, trying not to panic. “I don’t even remember what I said.”

“You said you were getting another mirror for Howie, and Chris would agree with you,” JC said.

“You were you were getting kneepads for Nick because he’s on his knees more than he’s onstage,” Lance said.

“Shit,” Justin said. “You said all that in front of them?”

“I didn’t know they were anywhere around here!” Joey said.

“They’re gonna kill you,” Justin said. “He’s on his knees more than he’s onstage?”

“I told you not to talk about him, man,” JC said to Joey.

“They’re gonna kill you dead,” Justin said.

“Hello. You’ve reached the home of Brian, Nick, and Drew. We’re out touring the world right now, and can’t come to the phone. If your information is time-sensitive, you may not want to leave a message.”

“Drew, that message still sucks. Every time I hear it, it sucks. I want to fly back to Orlando just to change it. I’m calling to tell you I’m watching you right now, onstage, and I want to have sex with you. When you get home and hear this message, think back to the night I ran past security and threw myself onstage and shouted ‘Fuck me, Drew,’ because that’s what I’m about to do if you get any sexier up there.”

“Brian’s my boy,” Joey said. “I like him better than I like any of you. He knows-”

“You can’t talk about Nick like that,” JC said. “Especially not when Brian’s anywhere around.”

“What’s he going to do?” Joey asked. “He’s not going to beat me up. He can’t leave the tour to make some big statement.”

“Are you scared?” Justin asked. “You’re scared! Big butch Joey Fatone is afraid of Brian!”

“I like him!” Joey said. “I don’t want him to be mad at me.”

“Then go apologize, idiot,” Lance said.

“What about Howie?” JC asked.

“What about Howie?” Joey asked.

“What about Howie?” Chris asked, coming into the room.

“Is it my turn?” Justin asked. “What about Howie?”

Everyone looked at Lance.

“What about Howie,” Lance muttered. “Joey, go find Brian and apologize to him.”

“He’s not here,” Chris said. “Word on the street is, Brian and Howie just went back to the hotel. What’d you do to Brian?”

“Word on the street?” Justin asked.

“Howie told Dante to tell Jamal to tell me that he and Brian were going back to the hotel,” Chris said. “Howie told...Dante...yeah, that’s right.”

“I said something about Nick Carter I shouldn’t have said, and Brian overheard it,” Joey said.

“Stupid,” Chris said. “What’d you say?”

“Nothing,” Joey said.

“‘Fess up,” Justin said.

“I said I was going to buy Nick some kneepads because he’s on his knees more than he’s onstage,” Joey said.

“How does it feel to know that Brian just put a hit out on you?” Chris asked. “Is it like an overwhelming sense of doom?”

“How am I supposed to apologize if they went back to the hotel?” Joey asked. “I can’t run after him.”

“After the show,” JC said. “Do it after the show. It’ll be fine as long as you’re sincere. Very, very sincere.”

“Yeah. Then maybe you’ll just be hated and loathed for life, instead of dead,” Chris said.

Drew’s back hit the floor. Nick jerked down his pants and he twisted, his body saying yes but his conscience saying no. He was hard already, hard from Nick’s dominant lust. He should’ve known he liked being manhandled. He already knew he wanted this to happen again.

Nick’s mouth was on him and he tensed, shuddered, twisted again, kicked out. His hands scrabbled at the floor, seeking purchase. His lower legs were still trapped by his pants so he kicked again, trying to get free. No, no, it felt too good, it felt too good! Drew had his hands in Nick’s hair, on the back of Nick’s head, simultaneously trying to push Nick off and pull Nick closer. He got one foot free and wrapped that leg around Nick, bucking his hips.

Nick pinned his hips down. No, no, that had been the last of his control, that had been his last pretense that he had any say over the pleasure scalding his brain. He couldn’t stay helpless, he couldn’t lay back and take it, it was too much, it felt too good, Nick’s mouth was on his dick and he was going to come and no no no Nick had to stop and the suction increased and electric pleasure was crackling through Drew’s body and he couldn’t breathe and he couldn’t escape and Nick was sucking his mind out through his dick and he came.

Drew wanted to pass out.

Nick sat up a little, made sure Drew’s eyes were shut, and rubbed his scalp. Ow. Okay, time to clean up. He wiped his mouth with the edge of his shirt and tried to redress Drew.

Drew’s eyes opened halfway.

Nick kissed him and got his pants back on. “Time to go hide in your bunk.” He knew Drew would feel guilty and embarrassed and probably ashamed of this later, but damn, it had been worth it.

“You,” Drew said.

“Me, right,” Nick said, playing along. “Come on, get up.” He stood, pulling Drew along. “In there, that’s right, there you go.” He pushed Drew into the bunk, quite innocently managing to cop a good feel of Drew’s ass. Then he went to the back and turned down the pounding music that had almost fully managed to drown out the sound of Drew’s pleasure. He wasn’t sure if Drew would be asleep, guilt-ridden, horny, or mad, but he wanted to be in the bunk with Drew no matter how Drew was feeling, so that was where he went.

“So hard,” Drew said, and kissed him.

Nick put his hand between Drew’s thighs to check. Interested in being touched, yeah, but not that hard. Drew squirmed, so he let go.

“You,” Drew said, and started sucking on his tongue.

Hadn’t Drew said that a minute ago?

Drew’s hips ground up against his. Oh! Oh, yeah, well, true. He was pretty freaking hard. He’d been turned on at the concert, and that hot little blowjob had not helped. The second they hit a hotel, he was getting Drew in bed.

He was trying not to hump Drew, but Drew was encouraging him, and he was so hard, and it felt so good... Drew was starting to make those eager sexy “come on me” noises that always made Nick excited. God, no, they had to stop, they had to. Nick tried to back off. He had to pry Drew off him to do it.

The official rule was, no sex on 98’s bus. Sneaking a few handjobs, okay, everyone would look the other way. He’d made Drew come a few times, yeah, but he’d never had an orgasm on this bus. He wasn’t going to have an orgasm on this bus.

Drew was trying to feel up his hard-on. He smacked Drew’s hands. He’d already launched them into brand-new territory by giving Drew a blowjob in the aisle with everyone else’s knowledge and permission. He wasn’t going to make things worse.

“Nick,” Drew said, and his gaze fell on Drew’s mouth, and he wanted that mouth on his dick. Nick loved Drew’s mouth. Drew would do it, too. All he had to do was ask. All he had to do was-

“Roll over,” Nick said. “Roll over, hold still, and go to sleep. Lay there and breathe. Don’t move.”

Drew rolled over.

Nick spooned up behind Drew, pressing his hard-on to Drew’s ass. God, that felt good. He closed his eyes and tried to think about nothing.

Drew rubbed back against him with a soft, soft, hot little moan.

Oh, hell, no. This wasn’t going to work. As gratifying as it was that Drew wanted his dick, now was not the time. Nick put his hand between Drew’s thighs, cupping Drew. “Hold still. Go to sleep.”

Drew made a noise of protest.

“Go to sleep,” Nick repeated gently. He wrapped Drew up, keeping his throbbing cock against Drew’s ass. Drew tried to move and he tightened not only his embrace in general but also his hold on Drew’s balls. Drew got the hint and subsided. “Good boy,” Nick whispered.

“You do know that what you said was wrong, don’t you?” Justin asked Joey.

“Yeah,” Joey said.

“Do you really, or are you just saying that?” JC asked.

“It’s wrong to say it,” Joey said. “It’s rude and it hurt Brian’s feelings. But we all know it’s true.”

“It’s not true,” JC said.

“Nick doesn’t suck a lot of dick?” Joey asked.

“Joey, I suck a lot of dick,” Chris said.

“Yes, and that’s disgusting,” Joey said. “It’s Howie.”

“Howie Dorough is not disgusting,” Chris said. “You’re disgusting.”

“I suck a lot of dick,” Justin said.

“Justin,” JC said.

“JC, let me talk,” Justin said. “I suck a lot of dick. If you think it’s okay to make fun of Nick, then you think it’s okay to make fun of me. And JC. And Chris. And Lance. And Brian. And-”

“You can’t compare that,” Joey said.

“I can’t compare what?” Justin asked. “If you suck a lot of dick, you suck a lot of dick. Yeah, Nick does. If you heard Kevin making fun of how often I’m on my back, you’d give him hell. You’d curse him out, threaten to smack him around. But it’s true. I’m on my back a lot. I’m on my back for JC more than I’m onstage with you. Does that mean Kevin’s right to make fun of me?”

“Wow,” Chris said. “You’re good.”

“Baby, you’re not-”

“JC, don’t ruin my point,” Justin said.

“You’re in love with JC,” Joey said. “The two of you are... You can’t compare what you have with anyone else’s relationship. Nick’s just a male slut. He always has been.”

“Nick is in love with Brian and Drew. He’s been with them for years. They have a house together, they went through a commitment ceremony, they’re very much in love,” Justin said. “You’re the one banging a different girl every night, having sex with anyone you meet. You call him a slut? Is he out in clubs every night using his celebrity to get a blowjob in the back?”

“I guess it’s different,” JC said. “As long as you’re not the one on your knees or on your back, that makes it okay.”

“Yes,” Joey said.

“Oh, fuck you,” JC said, and left.

Justin didn’t have anything to say to Joey. He followed JC.

“Howie is not disgusting, you’re a homophobic bastard prick, and you’re going to have to work your ass off to get JC to forgive you,” Chris said, and left.

Lance sighed, patient and long-suffering. “We have to talk.”

Jeff had planned to get back on the bus and let his natural high wind down. Instead, there had been pounding music and incredible sexual tension. Now he was wound tighter than ever, and he was trapped in close quarters with Nick, who’d walked offstage with a hard-on and by now had to be suffering a full erection.

Jeff figured he had choices. He could ignore everything and try to sleep. He could get up, scrounge for food, maybe watch a movie, see if Justin was up. Or, he could get Nick off.

Hmm. Choices, choices...

What to do, what to do...

“Jeff,” Nick whispered.

Jeff smiled to himself. “What?”

“Nothing.”

Right. Jeff turned onto his side, half against and half on top of Nick.

Nick gasped, and Jeff watched his eyes close. Interesting. Nick was surprised that Jeff was hard. How could Jeff not be hard? Nick and Drew had filled the bus with sexual electricity. Jeff would’ve taken Nick up against the wall if he thought he could get away with it. He was tempted to try.

Jeff kissed Nick’s neck, and Nick’s head dropped back, offering more. Jackpot. He’d known it. No fight for domination tonight. Nick was pliant. Easy. Submissive.

Jeff slowly popped the button on Nick’s fly and lowered the zipper.

Nick breathed softly, waiting.

Jeff palmed Nick through his underwear, feeling the heated bulge. Nick whispered Jeff’s name and started leaking precum. Damn. Jeff was impressed. Nick was holding back really well for someone this close to...

Oh, hell, no.

Oh, hell, yes.

This trusting, this submissive, and this horny? Nick was going to let Jeff do anything, anything, he wanted as long as it felt good. And to Nick, right now, pretty much everything was going to feel good.

“Nick,” Jeff whispered. He licked up to Nick’s earlobe and felt Nick rub into his hand. He gave a gentle squeeze and wondered how far he could take this opportunity.

Lance didn’t get to talk to Joey immediately after everyone else left, because they had to get ready for the show. After the show, when Lance found Joey, he was on his way out to hit the clubs. Lance dragged him back.

“You’ve alienated everyone else,” Lance said. “All you have left is me, and you’re going to listen to me. Now, Joey.”

They went to Joey’s room. They ordered up some food and sat on the floor to eat it.

“When we left the show, JC had a hard-on,” Lance said. “Why?”

“Hunh. Three reasons. He just got offstage, he wants Justin, and he’s JC.”

“If he’s still hard, which he probably is, what does he want to do, right now?”

“Lance-”

“Answer the question.”

“He wants to make love to Justin.”

“Why’d you say it that way?”

“The first words that came to mind were ‘screw Justin,’ but JC wouldn’t want me to say it that way.”

“So you respect what JC wants.”

“I respect the way he feels about Justin. I respect their relationship.”

“You respect their relationship, but you think Justin’s a slut.”

“I never said Justin’s a slut.”

“You were thinking it.”

“No, I wasn’t!”

“He’s on his back getting fucked by a man every day. Same thing Nick Carter’s doing.”

“He’s Justin! He’s with JC. They have a lot of sex. Believe me, I know they have a lot of sex.”

“Justin isn’t a slut?”

“No.”

“So JC’s a slut?”

“No!”

“You respect their relationship, so you’re okay with what they do in bed.”

“Yes.”

“You don’t respect Brian, Nick, and Drew’s relationship?”

“I respect Brian and Drew. As people. I like Nick, I do, and I shouldn’t have said that.”

“You like Nick?”

“I like the Nick that Brian talks about, and I figure Brian knows Nick better than anybody. I don’t know what I think about three people in one relationship.”

“They seem happy together.”

“Yeah. It seems like they all love each other.”

“Maybe you should reserve judgment.”

“I’m trying.”

“Joey, do you have problems with us being gay? Do you respect Chris less because he’s having sex with Howie?”

“No. The gay thing is cool. The gay sex thing I’m more okay with than I used to be.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“I don’t know. You’re all right. There’s nothing wrong with Nick having a lot of sex. JC and Justin have a lot of sex. Chris has a lot of sex. I have a lot of sex. If I had someone on call the way JC does, I’d never stop having sex. And me, I’m worse than anyone. I can’t remember who I was with last week.”

“You don’t have to be monogamous. You can have as much sex as you want. Just don’t insult other people for doing the same thing you are.”

“I should go apologize to Brian. And Howie. And JC and Justin and Chris. And you.”

“I’m okay, Joey. I know you’re not homophobic. No more than the rest of us.”

“You’re homophobic?”

“A little. It's called internalized homophobia, and everybody I know except JC has some of it. Some part of me would like to say that Nick Carter is less of a man than I am because of what he does in bed and how often he does it. Some part of me thinks I’m more of a man because I’m bi and I could do women any time I wanted to. But I know that’s stupid, and I’m trying to stop myself from thinking that way.”

“I never thought of myself as more of a man than you or JC or Justin,” Joey said. “Sometimes I do think I’m more of a man than Chris is, but that has nothing to do with sexuality. It’s mostly because he’s so weird.”

The show had been really good. Really good. Everything had gone perfectly, Jeff had been a lot more open onstage since talking with Nick Carter, and there had been nothing but positive energy. Sexual energy.

They’d run out to the bus and Nick Carter had taken charge and then he’d been closed in the bunk, with Jeff, listening to that throbbing beat that couldn’t entirely cover the sounds of Drew’s suffering ecstasy. Nick Carter had filled the bus with incredible sexual heat.

Even after all of the action was over, its effects were still with Nick. He tried not to act on them. If he just stayed quiet, his hard-on would go away and those insanely dirty thoughts would leave his mind. He’d really tried.

And then Jeff had turned to him.

He didn’t remember much after that. He remembered slow heat, and he remembered everything feeling really, really good. He had some fleeting idea that he’d come on himself, but he wasn’t sure why he’d done that. He had sensory impressions of Jeff crawling on top of him, strong warm hands sliding up his naked sides, tongue on his chest. He didn’t remember taking off his shirt, but he must have, because Jeff... Jeff had licked up his cum. Oh. That’s why he’d come on himself. So Jeff could... Oh.

For someone who liked jism that much, Jeff really should have been giving Nick more blowjobs. He might have to point that out and let Jeff remedy it.

“You’re blushing,” Jeff whispered.

“I always blush after sex,” Nick whispered back, and kissed him. His pants were zipped up again, but he was still missing a shirt. And Jeff was hard. Good and hard. “Do you want me to...”

“No,” Jeff said, and kissed him again, eyes closed, slow tongue.

Mmm...ooohhh... Nick wrapped his arms around Jeff, one hand cupping Jeff’s ass.

“Not out of your system yet?” Jeff asked.

Apparently not. “Can I just...”

Jeff stopped kissing him, probably to let him finish that sentence, but he wasn’t sure what he wanted to say. No, he knew what he wanted to say, he just wasn’t sure he wanted to say it. Out loud. Right then.

Jeff gave him a “you’re keeping me waiting, Lachey” look.

“Never mind,” Nick said. It had been stupid, anyway.

Jeff flicked him between the eyes.

“Hey!”

“What do you want?” Jeff asked.

“Nothing, now,” Nick said. He glared at Jeff and muttered, “Jerk.”

“Then do you mind if I get what I want?” Jeff asked.

“No, go right ahead,” Nick said.

“Thanks.” Jeff started opening Nick’s pants again.

“What are you doing?”

“Getting what I want.”

“I just, don’t you want to-”

“I don’t want to. I want you to.”

“I just did!”

“Keep your voice down.”

“Why do you-”

“Because it looks good. Because it makes you feel good. Because it makes me feel good. Because it’s a very selfish way for me to be generous. Because the way you look and sound and move before, during, and after you get off are very, very sexy and I like that.”

“The way I sound?”

Jeff coughed. “Ooohhh... Nnnhhh... Ooohhh...” he moaned.

“Shut up,” Nick whispered, mortified. “If they hear you-”

“Sexy,” Jeff whispered, grinning.

“I don’t sound like that.”

“No, you do it better,” Jeff said. “That was just a rough rendition.”

“Where’s my shirt?”

“Out there.”

“In the aisle?”

“It was crowded in here, and we didn’t need it.” Jeff tried to pull down Nick’s pants. Nick tried to stop him. They engaged in silent battle, smacking each other’s hands and glaring into each other’s eyes, until Jeff won. “You said I can have what I want, so behave yourself.”

“What are you doing?” Nick asked.

“Nothing I’ve never done before.”

“That’s not very reassuring.”

“It wasn’t meant to be.” Jeff pulled Nick’s leg over his, Nick’s thigh resting over his hip. “Try to be quiet.”

“I’ll be quiet if you’ll stop - - what are you doing?”

“I think you can figure it out.”

Nick gasped, gripping Jeff’s bicep.

Jeff loved how strong Nick was. He was reminded of it most when Nick held back. “When’s the last time I made you come just from this?”

“Jeff...”

“This feels really good. How does it make you feel?”

Nick’s grip tightened and his eyes grew darker.

Right here, this close, Jeff could watch every feeling as it passed through Nick’s body, passed over Nick’s face. He could watch Nick’s eyes, Nick’s lashes; he could watch Nick’s mouth; he could feel the movements of Nick’s hips as Nick’s cock pushed against him. Jeff loved to touch Nick here, but, “I know, you think you hate it.”

“Hate...you...” Nick drew in a sudden, shocked breath and clamped down on Jeff’s fingers.

Jeff rubbed that spot again. He was trying to watch Nick’s eyes now, the hint of blue behind Nick’s lashes, because looking at Nick’s mouth was driving him crazy. Lips parted and wet, glimpses of tongue, sex in the air, Jeff wanted to offer his dick to that cocksucking mouth. He was going to go to Hell for thinking such base, carnal thoughts about his beloved husband, but sometimes he just didn’t care. He stroked Nick inside, hoping that if he gave Nick a good orgasm, he’d be forgiven.

“No,” Nick said, but his hips started to work, inviting Jeff’s fingers deeper.

Poor Nick still had trouble accepting his body’s natural affinity for sexual pleasure. He kept wanting to deny his sensual, erotic nature. “Say yes,” Jeff said.

“No,” Nick said, and moaned as Jeff’s third finger pressed into him.

“Tell me yes,” Jeff said.

“No,” Nick said, riding Jeff’s fingers, hips moving in a quick fluid rhythm.

“You hate it because you like it,” Jeff said softly. “You’re afraid of it because it feels too good. Accept it. Enjoy it.”

“No,” Nick said, panting, clutching Jeff’s shoulder, letting Jeff’s fingers fuck him.

“I’m going to make you come.”

“No,” Nick groaned, begging, shaking his head. “Jeff...”

“Nick.”

“Jeff...” Nick groaned again, tension mounting in his body. He shuddered anew every time Jeff stroked his prostate.

“Nick,” Jeff said, eager, waiting for it, watching for it. Here it came...

“Jeff...”

Here it came...

“Jeff...”

Here it came! Nick was moaning and coming, muscles trembling, semen spurting. Jeff kept stroking him right through it, finger-fucking until Nick was down to a fine shiver. He popped his fingers out-

-and landed hard on the floor in the aisle.

Ow. Like the death grip on his arm hadn’t been bad enough, now Nick had to kick him out of their bunk?

Jeff grinned. He didn’t regret what he’d done for a minute. “I love you, Nick.”

“Bite me, Jeff.”

Another grin.

Nick poked his head out. “I love you, too. Now give me my shirt-”

Jeff handed it over, and Nick snatched it up.

“-and stay out!” Nick vanished.

Jeff stretched and stood. “Sucker.”

Chris was pretty sure Joey had said something insulting about Howie, too, only no one wanted to mention that in front of him. Like the “disgusting” comment hadn’t been bad enough. It was not disgusting that he sucked Howie’s dick. Howie had a beautiful-perfect body and a beautiful-perfect dick and beautiful-perfect orgasms.

When Chris had made it back to the hotel, Howie hadn’t been there, but there had been a rose on his pillow, so Chris figured he’d come back.

Chris would have waited forever.

He was watching TV, having Howie daydreams, when someone knocked on the door. Yeah, that sounded like Joey. Chris sighed. He should talk to Joey. He’d said stupid bad wrong things himself, once or twice. That whole “JC’s dead” thing had been a big old mistake.

When he opened the door, Lance was there, too, probably for moral support.

“Is Brian here?” Joey asked.

“No,” Chris said.

“Is Howie here?”

“No. Hi, we’re on the *NSYNC tour. *NSYNC. Not Backstreet.”

“Brian’s not in his room. Do you know where they are?”

Joey really was upset about this. Joey was nervous. Hmm. Not bad. “I don’t know. Either you’ve upset them so much they’ve left for good, or they don’t give a shit what you think of them and they’re out partying,” Chris said. “I hope it’s door number two.” Joey was in the room, now, wandering slightly over a two-foot section of the carpet. Lance was standing still, watching Joey. It was always a trip when man-child Lance was the mature calm one and the old guys were acting like idiots. “Howie left a rose for me. I guess that means good-bye.”

“Good-bye?” Joey asked, looking up.

“Yeah. Gone, but not forgotten. Gone. Gone. Howie’s gone.”

“Stop singing,” Lance said. “If you thought he’d really left the tour, you wouldn’t be this happy.”

“Who said I’m happy? Maybe I’m so upset I’m delirious.”

“They wouldn’t leave the tour,” Joey said. “Not over something I said.”

“They were unhappy here. They were looking for an excuse to go,” Chris said.

“They were happy here! They like us! We’re great to be around,” Joey said.

“JC and Justin are always screwing, Lance hates Howie, you’re a homophobic bastard, yeah, it’s a picnic,” Chris said.

“Chris. I’m sorry for what I said. I shouldn’t have said it.”

“Which part?”

“All of it. I don’t know why I said it, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I’m an asshole. You can have as much sex as you want, any way you want.”

“Take back the part about how disgusting sex with Howie is.”

“I’m sorry for that, too. It’s not disgusting. That was me lapsing back into the Howie-hating mindset, but that’s over now.”

“Say there’s nothing wrong with being on your knees or on your back.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being on your knees or on your back,” Joey said.

“Say you love gay men.”

“I love gay men.”

“Joey, why did you say all of that shit?” Justin asked. “Where’d it all come from?”

“Where did you come from?” Chris countered. “Gotta stop leaving doors open.”

Justin walked farther into the room. “Joey, I know you’re not a homophobic gay-bashing asshole. You’re too good of a guy for that.”

“I don’t know,” Joey said.

“I’m sensing some deeper, unresolved conflict,” Chris said. “What was your childhood like?”

“You can’t spit out all of that junk and then not know why you said it,” Justin said. “We’ve all said sexist shit, and we know it’s wrong. But what you said applied to all four of us, and if that’s what you really think of us-”

“It’s not,” Joey said. “I respect you. I respect what you and JC have. I respect Chris’s love for Howie. I’m trying to pick up guys for Lance!”

“Then what is going on?” Justin asked.

“I don’t know,” Joey said.

“Brian and Howie took off, and nobody knows if they’re out for a stroll or leaving the tour for good. JC’s very pissed and acting weird.”

“Justin, I-”

“I know,” Justin said. “I know. We’re cool. If you were a homophobic bastard, something serious would’ve happened before now. You’ve had several opportunities and plenty of good reasons to leave, and you never did.”

“Who’d leave us?” Chris asked.

“I’ve thought about it,” Lance said. “You get on my nerves.”

“Me?” Chris asked. “I’m the least annoying person on the planet. Who would ever find me annoying? You think I’m annoying? No one else thinks I’m annoying. I’ve never been considered annoying. You really think I’m annoying? I-”

“Oh my god, shut up,” Justin said.

“Me?” Chris asked. “You want me to shut up? No one’s ever told me to shut up before. You really think I should shut up? I’ve never been asked to shut up before. No one’s ever wanted me to shut up until now. I’ve never-”

From the start, Nick had been fascinated by Jeff’s wedding ring. He’d take Jeff’s hand and look at it, touch it, ask about it.

Now he wore a ring, too.

Jeff rubbed Nick’s knuckle with his thumb. “Drew gave you his ring?” He’d noticed it the first night Nick had worn it, but they’d had other things to discuss, then.

“He let me borrow it,” Nick said. “I’m giving it back.”

“He’d let you keep it if you asked him,” Jeff said.

“No,” Nick said. He’d turned his hand and was stroking Jeff’s fingers absently. “It’s not mine.”

“Why not?”

“It’s Drew’s. Drew’s and Brian’s.”

“Drew’s and Brian’s and yours.”

“Drew’s and Brian’s,” Nick said. “I love them and they love me, and we’re all in this relationship together, but they have the rings. They have the marriage. They had the commitment ceremony. I get the love, I get the friendship, and I get the sex, but I don’t get the rings.”

“This is an engagement ring,” Jeff said.

“Yeah. So?”

“You haven’t married Brian or Drew, so you can’t wear a wedding ring. Why can’t you wear an engagement ring?”

“Because I’m not engaged.”

“Why not?”

“They’re already married!”

“Are you going to let a little thing like that stop you?”

Nick stared at Jeff, wheels turning.

Jeff grinned. “Which one do you want to be engaged to?”

Nick opened his mouth, then closed it. He thought about it. “I don’t know.”

“It’s a tough decision,” Jeff said.

“Brian or Drew. Drew or Brian. I’ve never been able to make that decision. That’s how I ended up with both of them in the first place.”

“Why don’t you get engaged to both of them?”

“Can I do that?”

“If they both agree to it, yes.”

“I have to get them to agree to it?”

“You can’t be engaged to someone who doesn’t want to be engaged back.”

Nick looked at his hand where it rested in Jeff’s. “I’m going to keep this ring. I’m going to keep it and wear it. I’m taking Brian’s, too.”

“Good luck,” Jeff said, and squeezed his hand.

“I’ve never been engaged,” Nick said to Jeff. “What’s it like?”

“For me, frustrating.”

“Why?”

“We weren’t having sex. But everything else was great. I couldn’t believe it when Nick proposed. I thought I’d heard him wrong.”

“Get back to the not-having-sex part.”

Jeff smiled. “What about it?”

“You must’ve been really horny.”

“A little.”

“Nick must’ve been even hornier. How’d you do it? How did you not have sex with him? You were still making out and messing around, right?”

“Yeah.”

“How’d you hold back? Weren’t you tempted to go ahead and stick it in?”

“We decided to back off from sex before we were engaged. That was bad enough. Once we were engaged, it was worse.”

“Whose idea was it?”

“Nick’s.”

“Was he stupid or just knee-deep in insanity?”

“I think he was trying to set an example for Drew.”

“Why? What - - oh. Because Drew was with me, and Nick didn’t want me screwing Drew.”

“Nick didn’t know you then like he does now.”

“He’s not setting a great example anymore.”

“What?”

“You guys screw, what, five times a day? And on the bus, Jeff, you know that’s against the rules.”

“We didn’t-”

“You got him off, what, two, three, four times in a row?”

“You were listening?”

“You were loud.”

“I didn’t make any noise. Nick was quiet.”

“Maybe your definition of quiet is different from my definition of quiet. It’s not like I minded. It sounded pretty good.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem.”

“You and Brian...are intimate on your bus.”

“Sure.” Nick was nonchalant about it.

“What do the other guys do when you're doing that?”

“Howie calls Chris. AJ doesn’t care. Kevin, Kevin got really pissy a lot in the beginning, because Brian was too choir boy to be screwing me, and I was too young to be screwing Brian. But now, he just raises his eyebrows and lets it go.”

“Kevin disapproved in the beginning?”

“Kevin had...problems with it. I don’t blame him for it; I can see why he wouldn’t like it. But after a while, I guess we all figured out it was a real thing, a serious thing, and then he was okay with it. At first, we were just kids screwing, and since it could’ve fucked up our lives and our friendship and our careers, he wanted to smack us and tell us to grow up. He lectured Brian about it, how Brian should know better.”

“Were they fighting?”

“Not really. Kevin and Brian don’t fight with each other. They argue and they lecture, but they don’t fight with each other. Back then was probably the closest they ever came to fighting. Kevin would say Brian knew better, Brian needed to think about what he was doing, if Brian really cared about me he’d back off. Brian would say he had thought about it, he loved me, we belonged together. Kevin would say how could Brian know that, how could Brian think that, if it really were love then Brian could wait. Brian said he couldn’t wait, he needed to be with me. Kevin said Brian’s soulmate couldn’t possibly be a teenaged boy.”

“He was that deeply in love with you back then?”

“Oh, yeah. He was whispering love in my ears early on. We started off kissing and screwing around, like we could mess around and still just be friends, but the second I started talking sex, he started talking love.”

“Did you believe him?”

“Yeah. I did. Back then, I believed everything. I was young, I had an incredible life, I had screaming fans all day, my life was like an amazing dream. When another miracle happened and Brian Littrell started telling me he was in love with me, it made as much sense to me as anything else.”

“When did you stop believing him?”

“When he broke up with me. Up until that point, I’d had complete faith in everything he said or did. When he broke up with me, I didn’t know what was real anymore. He could’ve said it was a clear day and I would’ve gotten out my umbrella. My whole world was completely off-balance.”

“You loved him.”

“Brian was my life.”

“Why did you... What was it about Drew?”

“I could tell he’d be nice to me. Drew’s a very nice guy. I had a broken heart, and I thought maybe he could stitch it back together. When you look at Drew, you can see that he’s confident about himself, he’s confident in who he is, but he doesn’t realize what he’s really doing to you. He doesn’t know he’s good and warm and fun and sexy and one of the best people in the world. Brian hurt me so badly, I needed to find someone I could be safe with. Drew looked safe to me.”

“Is he?”

“Yes and no. He is safe, in every way he can be. But he can’t be totally safe. I love him too much. Anyone you love like I love Drew is capable of hurting you, is going to hurt you somehow. He’s never tried to hurt me, he’s never done anything on purpose. When I thought he didn’t need me, when he’s hurt, when he was shot, whenever I think of him leaving - - that hurts. No one’s completely safe, if you care about him.”

“Is Brian safe?”

“Yeah. Drew’s a guy, he’s in love with a guy, he doesn’t wear his heart on his sleeve. He’s very butch. Brian’s a girl, he’s going to be sappy and he doesn’t care who knows about it. Sometimes it feels like Brian’s even safer than Drew is, because when someone’s wrapping you up in sweet romantic love, you feel like you’re going to be taken care of forever. But that can backfire, it can get scary, because sometimes Brian’s too good to be true. Too perfect. Drew’s perfect, too, but he’s quiet about it.”

Drew wandered back into the bus lounge, scratching his ear, hair a little mussed from sleep. “What are we talking about?”

“How butch you are,” Jeff said.

“Okay.”

“Hey,” Nick said. “Did you like being engaged to Brian?”

Drew stopped and smiled, a real smile that was only a glimpse into his true happiness. “Yeah.”

Joey was sitting on Chris’s bed. Chris was lounging up by the pillows, fiddling with the rose Howie had left for him. Justin and Lance were playing solitaire, together.

“We know you’re okay with people being gay,” Justin said. “You’re okay with guys being in love with guys. Maybe it’s just the sex that bothers you.”

“Probably,” Chris said. “Since it’s disgusting.”

“It isn’t disgusting!” Joey said.

“Right, only when Howie’s doing it.”

“Sex with Howie is not disgusting. Howie’s not disgusting. Sex isn’t disgusting. Sex with Howie isn’t disgusting. Nothing you ever do with Howie is disgusting. Except the constant adoration. That can get sickening.”

“It’s not wrong to worship Howie,” Chris said.

“I guess not,” Joey said. “As long as he’s treating you right.”

“Howie treats me very well. He gave me a flower. See?”

“Lovely,” Lance said.

“Thanks.” Chris gave it another slow sniff. “Mmm.”

“Joey, if it’s degrading and unmasculine for men to assume typically feminine roles when it comes to sex, then you must think I’m worth shit,” Justin said. “So’s JC, Chris, Lance, Brian, Howie, Nick, Drew, Nick, Jeff, AJ... Am I missing anybody?”

“Kevin,” Chris said.

“Kevin is worth shit,” Lance said.

“Oh, right. My mistake,” Chris said. He looked away and mouthed, “Wow,” to an invisible audience.

“Kevin never - - never mind,” Justin said. “So-”

“Kevin never what?” Lance asked.

“Nothing. J-”

“Kevin never what?” Lance repeated. He wanted an answer.

“Nothing,” Justin said. “AJ never screwed Kevin. It was more of a one-way thing.”

“AJ never screwed Kevin?” Lance asked.

“Oops, shit hitting fan,” Chris said. “Duck.”

“Kevin fucked AJ and it was a one-way thing?!” Lance demanded.

Justin tried to speak.

“Kevin made AJ McLean his bottom boy?! What, isn’t AJ good enough to fuck him? Is Kevin too good for that? Too much of a man?! That fucking-” Lance was on his feet now. “I’m stifling, I keep him boxed in, so he goes to Kevin, who puts him on the bottom and keeps him there, and that’s better? How the hell can Kevin say he loves someone he’s never experienced?!”

“I never thought I’d hear ‘AJ McLean’ and ‘bottom boy’ in the same sentence,” Chris said.

“I think that’s what has Lance so mad,” Justin said.

“Kevin doesn’t love AJ,” Lance said. “Kevin doesn’t even fucking respect AJ. None of them love each other, they just use each other. They use each other! They don’t care about each other and they sure as hell don’t care about us. Either Kevin doesn’t know AJ or Kevin doesn’t care about AJ, but he does not, and will never, love AJ.”

Drew, Nick, Jeff, and Justin were sitting in the bus lounge, singing “Barbara Ann” and laughing at each other. Nick walked back, gave them a look, and said, “Sorry to interrupt.”

“That’s okay,” Drew said.

“Jeff was off-key anyway,” Justin said.

“What’s up?” Jeff asked.

“Has anyone heard from Brian?” Nick asked.

“No,” Drew said.

“I wish,” Nick said. “Why?”

Nick had his cell phone in one hand. “No,” he said to the person on the other end. “Nobody’s talked to him. Sorry.”

“Who is that?” Nick asked.

“Yeah, if he calls-”

“Who is that?” Nick asked again. “Nick Timmons-Lachey, what happened to Brian?!”

“Nothing,” Nick said.

“Give me the phone,” Nick said, standing. “Give me the phone, give me the - - look! Jeff!” When Nick looked, automatically distracted, Nick grabbed the phone. “Who is this and where’s Brian?”

“Hello, my name is Chris Kirkpatrick, and I have phone manners.”

“Let me talk to Howie.”

“He’s not here.”

“Where is he?”

“On the roof knitting a sweater.”

“Where’s Brian?”

“Obviously it was a mistake to call. I-”

“Tell me where Brian is, you little little man.”

“He walked out. He’s mad, he’s pissed off, he’s fine. He’s angry, not hurt or in danger. Howie’s with him. I’m sorry I called.”

“Why is he mad? What’d you do?”

“I didn’t do anything. I’m a blameless victim, as always. Someone said something stupid, because speaking before thinking is a common mistake around here, and Brian overheard it.”

“Who said it?”

“No one.”

“What’d Brian hear?”

“Nothing.”

“Were Joey and Lance talking shit about the Backstreet Boys again?”

“No. They never do that. Why would they do that?”

“Right. Look, sweet and sour-”

“It’s short and sweet, and shut up.”

“Whatever. Brian’s going to come back, whoever fucked up will find himself making the most sincere apology he’s ever made because you can’t look Brian in the face and say a half-assed ‘I’m sorry,’ and everything’ll be okay.”

“Really?”

“Absolutely.”

“Great.” Chris sounded relieved.

“Unless whoever fucked up pushed one of Brian’s buttons.”

“Pushed one of his buttons?”

“Yeah. He only has a few, a lot less than normal people, but when you push them, he puts the fear of God in you.”

“What buttons?” Chris sounded nervous.

“You can say shit about his religion, because he’s so solid in it you can’t really touch it. The gay thing, the being with two guys thing, he’ll say something to you that’ll make you shut up about it. Right now, he’s so happy, you can probably say anything you want and he’ll just give you shit and let it go.”

“Good.” Back to relieved.

“Unless it’s about me. As long as it wasn’t about me, you’re home free.”

“You?” Chris asked.

“Yeah. He’s overprotective about me right now. He’s light years away from me, I’m in enemy territory, all his protective instincts are screaming at him but he can’t do anything about it. The first person who brings up shit about me is going to get it. Other than that, you have nothing to worry about.”

“Shit.” Chris hung up.

Everyone was looking at Nick. “What was that?” Drew asked.

Nick grinned. “Nothing.”

“Nick...”

“Just messing with Chris’s head. He’ll be okay. It’ll make him think twice about giving me and the fellas shit in the future.”

Justin was picking at his nails nervously.

Chris was pulling threads out of his T-shirt.

Lance came back, Joey right behind him.

Justin looked up, on edge.

“He wouldn’t open the door,” Lance said, and sat on the bed.

“He wouldn’t even say anything,” Joey said.

“Maybe he isn’t there,” Chris said.

“He’s in there,” Lance said.

“What’s wrong?” Joey asked. “What’d I do? Besides the obvious.”

“You said stuff about his best friend you shouldn’t have said. You said stuff about gay men you shouldn’t have said, stuff that applies to him. You pissed off Brian, and if Brian gets mad and walks out on the tour, that might also mean walking out on JC, which means you’ve jeopardized JC’s brand new pet project. Not to mention that every insulting thing you said about gay men and Nick also applies to me, and you know you can’t say anything remotely bad about me without JC hearing about it and hating you for it. In short,” Justin said, “you effectively fucked with everything JC cares about.”

“Stop scaring him,” Chris said. “He’s already worried about Brian.”

“It’s okay, Joey,” Justin said, and got up to put an arm around him. “We’re still your friends.”

“We are?” Chris asked. “Oh, right! Right.” He got up and hugged Joey. “Still your friends.”

Justin and Chris looked at Lance.

Lance rolled his eyes. He gave Joey a hug, too, and then Justin and Chris hugged Lance and Joey, and Chris grabbed Joey’s ass, and Justin started to sing the “Friends” theme song. They four of them were hugging and singing and tickling each other when Justin looked up, saw Howie, and yelped. Lance and Joey froze. Chris turned around, saw Howie for himself, and shrieked - - either with happiness or with fear; it was hard to tell Chris’s shrieks apart.

Howie waited for the excitement to die down. He was posed in the doorway, suave and calm. The guys broke apart, faking cool. “Hey,” Justin said.

Howie nodded. “Hey.”

Chris licked his lips. “How’ve you been?”

Howie smiled, a smile just at Chris, just for Chris. “Good.”

“Where’s Brian?” Lance asked.

“Talking to JC,” Howie said.

“Okay, Howie’s back, everybody out,” Chris said. “Go, go. Shoo! Shoo!” He pushed Justin towards the door. “Joey, Lance, let’s go.”

“I have to-” Joey began.

“No, later,” Chris said. “Howie’s back, Brian’s back, Brian and JC are talking, everything’s all straightened out. You can worry about saving your doomed ass later. I’m about to enjoy some very non-disgusting gay sex with my very non-disgusting lover.”

“I didn’t-”

“Right. Got it. Bye.” Chris closed and locked the door. His fingers were still on the lock when he felt Howie’s hand come from behind and stroke across his torso. “Howie?”

“Yes?” Howie murmured by his ear, very close.

“Wow.” Chris struggled to find his brain. “He didn’t mean it.”

“Yes, he did,” Howie said. “He thinks I’m narcissistic, he thinks Nick’s a whore, and I don’t want to know what he thinks about AJ.” Howie turned Chris to face him. “Joey is your best friend. I like him. He’s had problems with me, and I understand why. He made a joke at my expense, and I’m letting it go, because it’s not worth causing problems for you.” Howie kissed Chris. “Come to bed.”

“What started this?” Justin asked. They’d moved the party to Joey’s room.

“I don’t know,” Joey said.

“JC,” Lance said.

“JC?” Justin asked.

“His back.” Lance looked at Justin. “We saw what you did to him.”

“What?” Justin asked, honestly confused.

Joey wasn’t sure they were supposed to be having this discussion, so he decided not to say anything just yet. He’d had his foot in his mouth all day as it was.

Justin was still bewildered. “What did JC... What - - oh!” Light had dawned. “Oh.” Justin turned red. “Oh.”

“Yeah,” Lance said.

Wait a second. Joey looked at Lance. Was Lance about to defend poor injured JC? Was Lance nuts? Nobody messed with JC and Justin’s sex life. Nobody interfered. They could be as loud and as passionate as they wanted, and no one would ever have the balls to ask them to be quieter. What kind of monster balls did Lance have, to make some asinine attempt to tell Justin to stop scratching the hell out of JC’s back? JC probably loved those scratches, since they only appeared after really good sex. And really good sex for JC and Justin went way beyond phenomenal once-in-a-lifetime sex for anyone else. Hell, normal sex for JC and Justin went way beyond phenomenal once-in-a-lifetime sex for anyone else.

Justin was still blushing, but Lance wasn’t saying anything else. Maybe Lance’s usually strong common sense had kicked in again. Good. Joey didn’t need any more disruptions in the balance tonight.

“I’ll talk to JC,” Justin said to Joey, breaking the silence. “You know he never stays mad for long.”

That was true. JC never did stay mad for long. Except at Chris; that one had dragged on for a while. But what Joey said hadn’t been even half that bad. Right?

Nick was half-asleep, half-awake, half-hard, holding Drew.

He felt Drew’s fingers curl in his shirt.

“Drew,” he whispered.

“Hmm.”

“Are you awake?” he whispered.

“Yeah,” Drew said softly.

“What are you thinking about?”

“The tour.”

The tour didn’t make Drew hold onto him for safety. “What else?”

“Brian.”

Interesting. Nick could work with that. “What about him?”

“When we called, and he talked to us...”

Nick tried not to grin. He loved Brian for messing up Drew that badly with one phone call. It was getting harder and harder to mindfuck Drew. Brian deserved a gold medal for this one.

“Why did he say that to me? Why now? Why over the phone?”

“Because it’s easier to take back that way. He was offering you something, he was trying to show you what you could have. At the same time, if you didn’t want it, it would have been easy for you to see it as a joke.”

“He was giving me a way out.”

“Yeah.”

“Do I want to take it?”

“No.”

“Maybe I do.”

“No, you don’t. Drew, think of the sex life Brian and I have. Now imagine if you could have that. From Brian’s end.”

Drew remembered how he’d started to take advantage of Nick just before Brian had come on the line. He remembered how Nick had been. Was it possible? Could he have Brian that way? On a regular basis?

“Drew, do it for me. Please, do it for me. You could tie Brian up, he’d let you, I know he’d let you.”

“Tie Brian - - no!”

“Please, come on, I know you want to. I know he’d do it for you...please...”

“You can’t be serious.”

“I’m serious. Please, Drew, I’ll do anything you want, I’ll suck your dick.”

“No.”

“I’ll let you suck my balls.”

Drew hesitated.

“You don’t have to tie him up for long. Just to let me see what he looks like.”

Well...

“He’ll be so pretty, Drew. So pretty. I can see it already. Brian. We can use the white cuffs. Can you imagine doing it, the act of closing the cuffs around his wrists and chaining him to-”

“Wait, stop, stop,” Drew said. “Stop it.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I’ll do it. I’ll do it. I mean, I’ll try. Oh, Nick.” Drew rested his forehead against Nick’s chest. “Now I won’t be able to think of anything else. I can see it, in my head, and it looks so good...”

“Pervert.”

Drew pinched him.

Lance had excused himself to go to bed. Justin stayed with Joey for a little bit longer, talking about nothing. Finally Justin figured JC and Brian had to be finished talking, so he said good night to Joey.

In the hallway outside of his room, Justin paused, listening for a second. He didn’t hear anything, and the door was ajar, so he pushed the door open.

JC was on his stomach on the bed, feet at the head and head at the foot, cheek resting on arms crossed in front of him.

Lance was on top of JC, on his knees astride JC’s hips, rubbing JC’s naked back.

It was Lance. It was Lance. Lance was his best friend, he loved Lance, if it were Joey doing that he wouldn’t think twice, he had no right to run over there and shove Lance off JC so hard Lance hit the floor and broke something.

JC looked up, because he always felt Justin’s presence, whether Justin were loud or silent. “Hey, baby.”

“You talked to Brian?” Justin asked.

“Yeah.”

Justin interpreted JC’s tone to mean that things were better, but Joey was still in trouble. He walked around closer to the bed, and saw what Lance was doing.

Rubbing ointment on the scratches in JC’s back.

Justin didn’t know whether to be furious or ashamed or angry or guilty or jealous. He backed up, getting some distance. He tried to be angry, angry at Lance for blowing it out of proportion. It wasn’t like JC would be scarred for life. They were a few stupid scratches, and they’d heal up on their own. Then again, Justin had no recollection of how hard he’d scratched JC. He did know that whenever he did scratch JC, JC’s back was sore the morning after. But his nails had been wet from the water, so didn’t that mean he hadn’t scratched as hard as usual? Justin had nothing to compare this to, because JC never scratched him. JC would never, ever hurt him.

Damn Lance.

The scratches weren’t all in the shoulders, either. When Justin needed something to hold onto, he wasn’t picky about what it was. When JC was fucking the hell out of him and the insanity into him, the driving force was coming from JC’s hips. That was what Justin tried to pull closer, and that was what Justin tried to hold onto to control. Justin had scratched the hell out of JC’s ass and lower back. If Lance’s fingers even tried to dip below JC’s waistband, there would be hell, hell, hell to pay.

Lance could edge around JC and hint all he wanted, and Justin would be a man and let it go, but there were limits. Grabbing JC’s ass was Justin’s job, and Justin’s job alone. Lance had better not freaking dare.

To distract himself and get his mind clear, Justin took off his sneakers and socks. Then he stopped pretending that he was over it, and looked up to watch Lance. Lance was gazing a little too hard at JC’s beautiful back. Was it Justin’s imaginaton, or was Lance’s touch lingering way too long? Justin couldn’t blame him. But damn it. Just, damn it!

Justin went to brush his teeth.

From the bathroom, Justin overheard the quiet, low murmur of Lance’s voice, followed by JC’s laughter. He knew they weren’t talking about him, they weren’t laughing about him, but what if they were? Confused jealousy was uncoiling in Justin’s stomach, spreading up to his brain, and suddenly he didn’t know what to think.

JC was his. JC had been in love with him and only him for a long time now. JC had felt desire for him and only him. JC didn’t even think about, look at, other people.

But who was to say that it would be that way forever?

“If you were going to have an affair, who would it be with? If you were going to screw somebody besides me, who would it be?”

“I guess Lance.”

“Lance? Our Lance? The one on this bus?”

“Yes.”

Justin rubbed his forehead. He was being stupid. JC was in love with him. JC needed him. JC was obsessed with him. JC-

What if JC was sick of the obsession? What if the insanity was too much? Why wouldn’t JC see some appeal in a normal relationship with wholesome love and normal sex?

On the other hand, JC didn’t seem to be fully aware of how strange their relationship was. He didn’t like it when Justin mentioned how insane they were, and he didn’t realize how extreme their sex life was.

Okay. Deep breath. Everything was cool. Justin had JC wrapped around his little finger. There was no reason to worry. JC would never want anyone else the way he wanted Justin. For JC, other people were so far below Justin on the sexual desirability scale, there was no comparison.

Justin walked out of the bathroom, back in control.

Lance was still kneeling over JC’s hips, but now he was leaning forward, directly along JC’s back, whispering in JC’s ear like a freaking lover. JC was laughing.

If Justin said, “Get the fuck out,” he’d be dignifying Lance’s behavior.

If he ignored it, it would keep happening, and he’d start to hate Lance, and since Lance was his best friend, he didn’t want that to happen.

He had to make it stop. How, how, how, damn it?

Lance needed to get the message that JC was not interested. Justin saying “JC doesn’t want you” wouldn’t really do the trick. And JC wasn’t going to say it.

Not in so many words, but...

Justin, casually getting ready for bed, pulled his T-shirt off over his head and opened his fly, popping the button and lowering the zipper. He wondered what he wanted to do tonight.

Make love to JC.

Desire hummed through Justin’s body.

Make love to JC.

Make...love...to JC...

Justin turned and JC was looking at him. JC was hungry for him. JC wanted to be naked against his skin in one second or less.

Justin looked away, trying to control their need. His plan was working a little too well.

The second Justin had started stripping, Lance had known what was coming. Justin exposed skin, JC got turned on, everyone else ceased to exist. Justin had been doing it on purpose, too. Well, if Justin didn’t want anyone else on the planet ever to touch JC, Justin should treat JC right in the first place.

Lance hesitated in the hallway. He rubbed the fingers of his right hand together.

JC had an incredible body.

He heard Justin moan from the other side of the door. He ignored it.

He heard JC groan. Lance closed his eyes, memorized the sound of it, and carried the feel of it to his own room, to his own bed.

Chris was mostly asleep, still basking in the afterglow of Sex with Howie, which was a pretty strong afterglow, when Howie kissed his shoulder and slid away from him.

Howie was getting out of bed.

Chris rolled over.

Howie was getting dressed.

“Where are you going?” No panic, that wasn’t panic in his voice, that was just friendly interest. Mild concern. Extra-mild concern.

“I’m spending the night with Brian.” Howie tucked his hair behind his ear and leaned in to kiss Chris. “We have a lot to talk about, and I have to keep him from calling Nick.”

Brian. Religious, married, very in love with Nick and Drew, Brian. Howie’s best friend with no plans to get inside Howie’s clothes. Someone who would respect the relationship Chris and Howie shared. Okay. “Okay.”

“It’s just for tonight.” Howie kissed him again.

Chris sank back, returning Howie’s kisses, encouraging Howie to rejoin him. Howie started to climb back onto the bed, letting Chris feel him up. Chris loved to feel Howie up. He’d gotten good at it. He could take very efficient inventory - - muscles, ass, package - - in one quick grope.

“Chris,” Howie said.

“Unh,” Chris said, trying to have kiss-sex with Howie’s tongue.

Howie’s hand had found its way under the sheets to Chris’s naked flesh. “I have to go,” he said, and his palm started rubbing up Chris’s hard-on.

Right. Go. Chris pulled up Howie’s shirt so he could get to some bare skin.

Howie’s kiss ended soft and sweet. “I’ll see you in the morning.” He eased away and walked out.

Chris caught his breath and looked down to where his erection was tenting the sheets. He dropped flat to his back and moaned.

Drew rubbed his thumb over Nick’s forehead. “Are you feeling all right?”

“Yeah, I’m good.”

“Have you been taking your vitamins?”

“Yes. It’s called getting a cold. It happens.”

“Okay.”

“You should worry more.”

“Why?”

“It’s cute on you.” Nick turned his head and sneezed.

“Bless you.”

“Thanks. Don’t you have somewhere to go?”

“Go?”

“That whole job thing?”

“Oh. Yeah. Can I get you anything?”

“You can get your sexy ass out of here.”

“Kleenex. Do you need more Kleenex?”

“Drew, I coughed once and sneezed twice in the past twenty-four hours. My nose is running a little. I’m going to take my vitamins and then take a nap. You, go do your job.”

“Okay. Call me if you need anything.”

“Right. In the middle of the interview. That’s professional.”

Drew kissed him.

“Hey, get off me. I’m not sick, but if I were, it’d be okay. You cannot get sick. Stop sharing my germs.”

“Sorry.” Drew kissed him again.

“Hey!”

“See you later.”

Lance rubbed Joey’s shoulders. “You can do it. You’re good for it. Get on the bus, find Brian, tell him you’re sorry. He’ll know you mean it. Then just go to JC, tell him you’re sorry, and everything’s good.”

“Right,” Joey said, trying to get pumped up.

“All right.” Lance slapped Joey’s back. “Go for it.”

Chris stuck his head out of the bus. “Hey! Slow and Slower! Get on or get left!”

Lance pushed Joey. Joey took a deep breath and got on the bus.

Joey walked past Chris, who was in the aisle taking up space. He walked past Howie, who was in the kitchen on the phone. He made it all the way to Justin, was in the doorway to the lounge. That was where he found Brian. Unfortunately, Brian was with JC, and it looked like they were settling in for some serious work time.

Joey elbowed Justin. Justin looked at him. Joey gave Justin a “Should I do it now?” look. Justin gave him an “I don’t know” look back. Great. Thanks for the help.

“I left a message with Nick,” Brian said to JC. “I think they’re doing an interview right now, but he’ll call back once he’s out of there.”

“Great. What about AJ?”

“Howie!” Brian called.

Howie eased past Joey in the doorway a second later. “Yeah?”

“Give me the phone back.”

Howie handed over Brian’s phone and ducked out again.

“Hey, AJ,” Brian said. “What’d you think of the new chords in-” he glanced briefly in the general vicinity of Justin “-the part we sent you? No, not that one. AJ. Right. That one.” He laughed.

Joey was flummoxed for a moment, before he remembered that JC was writing things Justin wasn’t allowed to see or hear.

“No, slower,” Brian said. “Faster? I don’t know. JC.” Brian started to talk with JC and AJ at once, until he handed over the phone and let the two of them figure it out themselves.

Maybe this was Joey’s chance. He cleared his throat.

Brian stood. “Justin, could you excuse us for a minute?”

“Yeah, sure,” Justin said, and walked away.

JC’s attention was on the phone and work. Justin was gone. Joey was alone with Brian, who was standing in front of him.

“I have nothing but love and respect for JC and Justin,” Brian said. “I genuinely like Chris. I have nothing against Lance, and I’m sorry that AJ hurt him. I like you, Joey. Howie and I are willing to keep what you said between us. We don’t want to tell the other guys, because we don’t want any more trouble.”

Thank God.

“I know that when I got here, no one was sure how things were going to go. I think they’ve gone well. You and Lance don’t like Backstreet Boys, and I understand why, so I’ve let it go. But you and I have become friends, Joey. If you want to continue to be my friend, you need to respect Nick.”

“I know,” Joey said. “I know that. I’m sorry.”

“If you have a low opinion of someone who means that much to me-”

“I don’t. Justin said some things about Nick last night, and I... I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”

Brian nodded.

“Are we okay?” Joey asked, hoping.

“We’re okay,” Brian said, and gave him a smile. “You might want to apologize to Howie, just to clear the air.”

“Anything you say.” Joey went to find Howie.

Justin wandered back over. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Brian said, nodding. “Hey. What did you say to Joey about Nick?”

Justin smiled. “Nothing.”

matthew@matthewtime.com
"Where You Belong" Part Eleven
"Where You Belong"
"Living"
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