Copyright April 2, 2002-January 6, 2003 by Matthew Haldeman-Time

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Thus far we've had JC/Justin, Nick/Drew/Brian, Nick/Jeff, Nick/Drew/Brian/Nick/Jeff, AJ/Lance, AJ/Howie, AJ/Kevin, Chris/Howie, and partridge/pear tree.

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashwriters.

Wherein Drew won't go behind Brian's back, AJ can screw anybody he wants, and could JC be mellowing?

Notice: First, read "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," "Rest in Peace," "Destiny," and "Together." I know it sounds like a lot, but it'll only take you an hour or two.

        Nick stepped to the doorway.  Drew was sitting on the floor, back against the foot of the bed, flipping channels.

        “Hey,” Nick said.

        Drew looked up.  “Hey.”

        Nick came in and sat beside him on the floor.

        Drew flipped more channels.  “How are the Sacred Fencers?”

        “The Sentimental Fools,” Nick said.

         “Right.”

        “Brian said JC’s working on a song that’s going to have a really vibrant, hard-hitting bass line.  We can’t wait to give it to Justin and let him tear it up.”

        “When you get to the studio, are you going to have closed sessions?” Drew asked.  “The six of you and the producers and the band would be enough, but we’re all going to want to be there.”

        “We might have visiting hours,” Nick said.  “I can’t imagine JC creating an entire album without Justin hanging around somewhere.”

        “Who are you getting to produce it?”

        “We don’t know,” Nick said.  “We’re not sure.  We were talking to different people, but now we’re thinking we might do it ourselves.  We all have experience, and especially with JC there, we could really get it done with just the six of us.”

        “Writing all your own songs, producing all by yourself, you’re all so grown up,” Drew said.  “We’re all so proud of you guys!”

        “Shut up,” Nick said.

        “Are you going to be ready for the studio when we’re off the tour?” Drew asked.

        “If AJ’s around, we’ll be ready,” Nick said.  “We’re all writing something, but JC and Brian are on fire.  We’ll have a lot of stuff to go through and decide on.  JC, half of his songs have this new feel, this vibe, it’s hard to explain.  And the other half are about Justin.”

        “That’s new and different,” Drew said.

        “It is,” Nick said.  Drew looked at him.  “It’s nothing like what he’s written for *NSYNC.  It’s not surface love, or even deep love, it’s a hundred layers deep right next to the bone.  It’s killing burning ripping you apart love.”

        “You’re quoting it right now, aren't you?” Drew asked.  “Can I see these lyrics?”

        “No.  I think it’s what he’s always been feeling, but he can’t write about it for *NSYNC, because he wouldn’t make Justin sing that onstage.”

        “What’s Brian writing?”

        “A lot of personal songs,” Nick said.  “Pushing someone away and slamming a door in their face, only to realize too late what a mistake it was.  Trying to bring love back again after hurting someone.  Falling in love with two people at the same time, and trying not to, but not being able to help yourself.  Almost losing someone you love to tragedy.”

        “It’s the biography of his love life,” Drew said.

        “I guess his next song will be about falling for his husband’s brother and-”

        “Shut up!” Drew said.  “Only in your wildest dreams.”

        “They’re great songs.  They’re a lot deeper than I ever imagined.  He’s matured a lot, musically.  A lot.”

        “Thanks to my influence.”

        “Right.  The one he’s writing now, it’s called ‘Joined at the Soul.’”

        “Like joined at the hip?  Joined at the soul,” Drew said.  He really liked that.  He wondered what it sounded like.

        “It’s about him and me,” Nick said.

        Drew hit him with the remote and went back to changing channels.

        “He also wrote two really...sexy songs,” Nick said.  “I was sure JC had written them, or AJ, but they’re Brian’s.”

        “Sexy songs?” Drew asked.  “The ‘Baby Can I Touch You There’ kind?”

        “The one’s fast and wild.  The other one’s slow and really...”

        “Sexy.”

        “Yeah.”  Nick scratched his forehead.

        “Brian wrote them?”

        “I was surprised, too.”

        “Who’s singing lead?”

        “We haven’t decided.  I hope it’s not me.”

        Drew laughed.  “We sing about sex.  Motown had us singing about nothing but sex.”

        “Not like this.”

        “What’s different about it?”

        “If we do everything right, and it sounds like it’s supposed to sound, it might be too good.”

        “Nick, what are you trying to say?”

        Nick met Drew’s eyes.  “It’s going to turn people on.”

        “Wow, that would be awful,” Drew said.  “Nick, there’s a whole category of music for that.  It’s called 'music to get laid by.'”

        “I’m not talking about the R&B people put on in the background when they’re trying to seduce someone.  These songs are...  They kind of turn people on.”

        “Turn people on.  They turn you on.”

        “Justin said they turned him on, too.”

        “Justin needs a girlfriend,” Drew said.

        “Your husband is writing songs about sex, and whoever hears them goes into heat.  If they make it onto the radio, people are going to start hitting their sexual peak right there in the car on the way to work.”

        Drew laughed.  “You should request the lead.  It’d make you famous.”

        “I am famous.”

        “More famous.  It’ll be classic.”

        “I don’t know if I’m ready to get that kind of reputation.  Maybe I should leave it to AJ.”

        “Come on.  Only you could do it justice.”

        Nick looked at Drew.

        “Brian wrote the song.  He knows AJ’s voice, and he knows yours.  Ask him what kind of feel he wants for the lead.”

        “I should’ve been a first tenor,” Nick said.  “I should’ve had Chris’s voice.”

        “So you can sing about being awake in bed thinking about someone and masturbating?”

        “He still says he’s not singing about masturbation.”

        “Anyone who’s ever done it recognizes it in that song.”

        “You’re saying you’ve done it?”

        “I might have.  Once.  A long time ago.  Like you never did.”

        “What?  I never did.”

        “I grew up with you.  One day your showers started to get longer and longer.  We all knew what you were doing in there.”

        “If you knew, why were you knocking on the door whining at me to hurry up?”

        “When you gotta pee, you gotta pee.”

        “Learn to hold it.”

        “You learn to hold it!  Masturbation gives you hairy palms.  It makes you go blind.”

        “It stunts your growth.”

        “It - - hey!”

        Fucking tight fucking hot fucking.

        "Just...Justin..."

        So good it was too good and it felt like too much and he was going to come but he felt like he already had.

        "I..."

        JC under him, taking it and giving it back to him, too sexy and too beautiful and too perfect and his, his, his.  He could prove it.  He was proving it.

        "Justin..."

        JC was going to come.  JC was about to come.  Because of him.  Because of what he was doing, what he was doing to JC.

        JC's hands were on Justin's back, on Justin's ass.  He was trying to say something, was working towards a confession of love and orgasm.  Justin didn't have time to hear it.  If JC didn't come on the next thrust, it was going to be too late for him, because Justin was right on the verge.

        Justin wrapped his hand around JC's erection, feeling the hard heat in his hand, hearing JC gasp and moan, watching JC shudder.  There was this slow, full-body surge, a wave all up over JC's body, arching JC's back, flexing every muscle.  It passed through JC, leaving him panting, clutching at Justin, hanging on the edge.

        Watching JC react so completely to his touch had made Justin fall still.  He was so fascinated by the way JC had looked, the way JC did look, that it took him a moment to remember what he was supposed to be doing.  Even then, he didn't want to take over too strongly and ruin whatever it was that had JC fucked and blown.  JC was hanging in a slender balance, and all Justin wanted to do was give a tender, slight, careful push over the edge.

        JC shuddered, whispering Justin's name, like that was all that he needed.

        "Come on, baby," Justin said, gently stroking JC's erection.

        JC's eyes opened, and as soon as they made eye contact, JC's body convulsed, spitting cum, giving one last broken, "Justin."

        It had been the eye contact.  More than the fucking, more than rubbing JC's dick, looking into Justin's eyes had made JC come.  Knowing that, knowing that he had that kind of power, knowing that he could have that strong of an impact on JC without trying, made Justin come.  Any control he'd thought he had over his own body was ripped apart when his hips bucked against JC, driving his dick in deep, giving up his love, his body, his soul.

        He was draped over JC.

        JC was telling him how pretty he was.

        Someday, it'd be all mental.  In another few years, they'd be having emotional sex, inducing orgasms in each other with a look, not needing to touch each other to make love.

        They were a little too close to that now as it was.

        "So pretty..."

        "JC?"

        "What, baby?" JC asked.

        "I don't think I'll ever feel about anyone else the way I feel about you."  Justin closed his eyes.

        JC rubbed his back.  "Go to sleep, baby."

        "I love you, JC.  I'm so in love with you..."

        "I love you, too, baby."

        "You're so..."

        Gentle stroking in his hair.  "Ssshhh, Justin, baby."

        "So..."

        "Ssshhh."

        "Infinite."

        He hadn’t said, “I love you.”  Nick wasn’t ready for it, and he hadn’t earned the right.

        They were sitting on the sofa, turned to face each other, talking about trivial things, lapsing into brief silences.  Jeff didn’t want to push, and Nick was judging his own comfort level.

        Nick had his hand on Jeff’s arm, and was gently learning musculature through Jeff’s thin shirt.  He’d exhausted the forearm and was moving on to the upper arm.

        Jeff knew better than to try to touch Nick right now.  As comforting as Nick found loving touch, Jeff wasn’t in a position to offer it.

        “You’re lucky,” Nick said.  “AJ wanted to kick your ass.  I talked him out of it.  It would’ve caused problems for Drew and Justin, and Nick and I are tight now, so I couldn’t let him do it.  He wanted to.  And Kevin, damn, you’re lucky you’ve been far away from Kevin.”

        “What about Howie?”  Jeff was staying with gentle, encouraging questions, letting Nick talk, not pushing.  He was on a tightrope and he knew it, but acting like it would add to the tension, which was the last thing he wanted as long as Nick was finally, heartbreakingly close again.  Right now, Nick was a shy, skittish animal who had every right to haul off and punch him in the face.  Nick could do it, and Jeff knew that he deserved it.  If Nick did decide to hit him, he'd take it.  But Nick had come to him on a different level, silently begging him to prove trustworthy again.  Jeff would do whatever he could to prove worthy of this second chance.

        “Did you hear what Howie did to that guy he saw feeling on Chris?  I wish I’d been there to see it.  I knew he had it in him, but he’s never done anything like it before.”

        “You knew Howie was capable of that?”

        “Yeah.  We all have it in us, everybody does, just to different degrees.  Everybody is capable of kicking ass sometime, to protect themselves or to protect the people they love.  The fellas, oh, they can fuck you up, fuck you over, righteous and royal.  Kevin and AJ will, only AJ can go low-class with it.  Howie could if he wanted to, and Brian never does but it’s in there.”

        “What about you?”

        “I don’t know if I’d kick ass to protect myself, but I’d kick double ass if anyone tried to hurt Drew or the fellas.  Or JC.  Or Nick.  I’d probably kick some ass for Justin J.  I wouldn’t have to do it for Justin Timberlake Chasez, because JC would kick ass so hard there wouldn’t be anything left for me.”

        Nick hadn't mentioned him.  He hadn't expected Nick to.  He didn't deserve that.  The exclusion hurt, but he had no right to feel that pain.  “JC’s very protective of Justin.”

        “It’s good to feel that way  about somebody.  It’s good to know somebody feels that way about you.  JC would open a can of whoop-ass all over anyone who got anywhere near Justin.”

        “If I didn’t know, I wouldn’t have put you and JC together as friends,” Jeff said, to keep Nick talking.  Nick was still nervous, rambling nervous, but as long as he was talking he was staying, and Jeff wanted him to stay.

        “He’s a queen, I’m a slut, we’re both doing our front men, it makes sense,” Nick said.  “We’ve been tight for a long time.  He told me about his undying passion for Justin before he told anybody.  I knew all about it before Justin picked up a fucking clue.  JC had it bad.  We started getting competitive about it, who was in love more, who was in pain more.  I still say I was hurting a lot more, because he had that unrequited love thing, but I had that fucked over and shot in the head thing.  Brian should’ve nailed my dick to my balls.  It would’ve hurt less.”

        God, Nick had called himself a slut.  Was Nick back to that place, again?  What had Jeff done?  He didn't deserve this, he didn't deserve this second chance, Nick shouldn't be here with him.  No.  He'd done this.  He was going to stay here and try to fix it.  He wasn't a coward and he wouldn't run.  He had to face what he'd done, just as Nick was.  He'd helped Nick before, and he was going to do it again, no matter what he had to go through to do it.  That was why Nick was here; that was why Nick wanted to come back to him.  “If he had, you might not have gotten Drew.”

        “Drew needed me.  His life before me was all about 98 Degrees.  Now it’s about 98 Degrees and me and Brian and love and sex.  Without me, he wouldn’t be married, he wouldn’t be oversexed, he’d probably still be wearing the hat.  God damn, I miss the hat.  He’s too old and sexy without it.  He used to be young and cute.”  Nick reached for Jeff’s other hand, and Jeff let him take it.  He turned Jeff’s wedding band, Jeff’s engagement ring.  “You made the right choice when you married Nick.  He’s really in love with you, the kind of love you don’t fall out of a few years later.”

        “I know,” Jeff said.  “I’m very lucky.”

        “Some people you’re really blessed to have in your life,” Nick said.

        Their eyes met.

        Their fingers laced.

        Jeff was going to make this work.  He hadn't spent a lifetime becoming this strong to buckle under the pressure now.  He might not be worthy enough to say it, but he loved Nick.  Nick wanted to trust him; Nick wanted to believe that what he'd meant to Nick had been real.  If the person he'd been had never been him, then what he'd said to Nick wasn't real, and none of the good things were true but all of the bad things were.  Nick wanted to believe in himself, which meant believing in Jeff.  Jeff had to be that person for Nick.  He wanted to be that person for Nick.  He was going to be that person for Nick.  He was going to be strong, and honest, and good, and real, so that Nick would trust him now, so that Nick could still trust what he'd been before.

        Dancing with Justin had been fun.  It had almost been like dancing with Nick, and almost like dancing with AJ.

        JC and Justin were perfect for each other.  They were connected on levels other people weren't.  They were connected on levels other people didn't have.  Brian, who was fairly well connected with someone himself, knew that Lance was no threat to JC and Justin.  Lance was no threat to their love.  But he might become a threat to Justin's sense of security.  If Justin's sense of security were thrown off-balance, JC would become confused and hurt.  If their relationship were stable at that point, they could easily right themselves again.  If they were going through an unstable period, they might be in trouble.

        Brian didn't want that to happen, but he didn't know how to stop it.  It wasn't his place to speak to Lance.  That was up to JC and Justin, but neither of them was doing it.

        He hoped they would, before Lance went too far.  A passing crush on a safe target after a painful break-up was understandable.  Interest in JC with plans to act on that interest and see what could happen, was dangerous.  Not to mention stupid.

        JC wouldn't even let people look at Justin funny.  He'd never let anyone disrespect his love for Justin, and that's what Lance was doing.  If Lance hadn't been Lance, hadn't been one of their closest friends and integral to their lives, JC would have brutally eliminated the issue the second Lance had looked at him twice.

        Maybe that was what Lance was counting on.  Maybe Lance was thinking that because he was a close friend, because they'd never shut him out of their lives, he had bargaining room.

        There was no bargaining room in JC's heart.  There was no room in JC's heart at all.  Not for anyone but Justin.

        Nick wakened, confused.  “What?”

        “I can’t believe we fell asleep.”

        “You drooled on me.”

        “Get over it.  Where’s Nick?”

        “He’s not here,” Nick said, getting to his feet, rubbing his shoulder.

        “He can’t still be talking to Jeff,” Drew said.

        “He could,” Nick said.  “Either it went well and they’re still talking, or it went badly and he ran back to Brian.”

        “That is not helping,” Drew said.

        “Drew, relax.  Nick wouldn’t run home to Brian or run home to Orlando.  He’d run back here to you, first.”

        “Then where is he?”

        “Do you want me to knock and see if he’s still in there?”

        “No.  If he is, we shouldn’t interrupt them.”

        “I have to go to bed, and I’m not sleeping here.”

        “You just had a nap.  Go sleep with Justin.  Give him a thrill.”

        “That’s mature.”

        “Thanks.”  Drew visited the hallway.  He wondered if hanging around outside Jeff’s door would be too obvious.

        Nick rubbed the top of Drew’s head.  “He wouldn’t stay in there this long if it were too bad.  It has to be going mostly okay.”

        Drew shoved Nick away and fixed his hair.  “Great vote of confidence.”

        “I want to go to bed.”

        “Go crash in my bed.  I’ll pace around out here for a while.”

        “Are you sure?”

        “I’ll try to be okay without your stellar company.”

        “Be strong.”  Nick went back into Drew’s room.

        Drew started pacing.

        “You should return the favor,” JC said.  “Stake your claim on him.”

        Stake his claim.  On Howie.  Howie!  Howie was very much his own person.  He wasn't needy.  He couldn't be owned.  He couldn't even be nailed down.  He was a very nice person who was at once transparent and enigmatic.  How could he be claimed?

        How could he be claimed by Chris?  Chris wasn't JC.  Chris was...Chris.  He was a great guy, and Howie loved him, but he wasn't exactly...  He wasn't a trophy, he wasn't a prize, he wasn't someone people would parade around.  He wasn't going to raise anyone's status by association.

        He wasn't JC.  He wasn't Howie.

        He still had that fluttering in the back of his brain that whispered things about how he was just the guy Howie was screwing before getting a real lover.  He knew that wasn't true, he knew that Howie was in love with him, he knew that they had something serious between them.  He wasn't the interim fuck.  He was the real thing.

        Maybe that gave him the right to stake his claim.

        Howie's claim had been staked a long time ago.  Chris needed to own T-shirts that said "Hi, I'm Howie Dorough's lapdog" across the front.

        Actually, he did have one.  Joey gave fun presents.

        “I bet Drew misses me,” Nick said.

        “He probably does.”

        “Okay.  I’ll go.”

        Jeff waited.

        Nick wasn’t moving.

        “Nick.”  Jeff nudged him.

        “I’m going.”

        Jeff waited.

        Nick wasn’t moving.

        Jeff nudged him.

        “It’s comfortable here,” Nick said.

        Jeff smiled and pushed Nick to a sitting position.  “Time to go back to Drew.”

        Nick stood.  “Walk me to the door.”

        Jeff got up and walked over to the door with him.  “If you see Nick out there anywhere, tell him to get back here.”

        “If I tell one of you something, you won’t tell each other, will you?” Nick asked.  “Or are you one of those couples who shares everything?”

        “If you tell us it’s private, we’ll keep it private,” Jeff said.

        “You can keep secrets from each other?”

        “If we need to.”

        “Would it be possible for me to have an affair with one of you behind the other one’s back?”

        “No.”

        “Damn.”

        “Sorry.”

        “I was looking forward to it, too.”

        “Which one of us were you planning to have an affair with?” Jeff asked.

        “Both of you,” Nick said.  “I figured I could do you behind Nick’s back and do Nick behind your back, and no one would ever have to know.”

        “It’s never going to happen.”

        “Damn it.  See you tomorrow?”

        Jeff smiled.  “See you tomorrow.”

        Nick stepped into the hallway and closed the door.  Hey, Drew!  He squeezed Drew and got a quick kiss.  “Were you waiting for me?”

        “What took so long?!  How did it go?  Are you all right?”

        “I’m good.  What are you looking at?”

        “You were crying.”

        “Not a lot.  Not for anything bad.”

        “Are you all right?”

        “I’m fine.  We talked, and he let me get comfortable, and right at the end I was even hitting on him.  Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve hit on Jeff?  I’m out of practice.  I have time to make up for.”

        “You were hitting on him?”

        “What’s wrong?”

        “Nick, I’m - - I can’t make that kind of revolution in my brain.  You just did a complete one-eighty.  He hit you and now you’re hitting on him, I can’t-”

        “I can,” Nick said.  “He’s sorry.  He’s Jeff.  Jeff and I love each other.  We understand each other.  He’s always understood me and I understand him.”

        “Have you forgiven him?”

        “Yes,” Nick said.

        “Why?”

        “Jeff used to try to give me things and show me things.  It’s my chance to give him something back.”

        Drew caressed the back of Nick’s neck.  “I love you.”

        Nick kissed Drew.  “It’s past your bedtime.  Let me make love to you before you go to sleep.”  He kissed Drew again and led the way back to Drew’s room.  He walked in and said, “Wow.  A present?  For me?  It’s not even my birthday.”

        “Ni-”

        “Quiet.”  Nick put his hand over Drew’s face and gently pushed Drew back out of the way.  He walked closer to the bed.  He murmured, keeping his voice low, “Hot damn.”

        “Ni-”

        “Ssshhh.”  Nick was looking at the bed.  At the form splayed over the bed.  Nick.  Asleep in his bed.  Fully dressed, on top of the covers, but damn.

        Nick carefully crawled onto the bed, on all fours over Nick.  He leaned in, closer, closer, closer, until their noses touched.  Then he said, clearly, “Boo.”

        Nick had to jump back fast to avoid injury.  Nick sat up sharply, scared half to death, cursing.  All Drew could do was laugh.

        “Carter!  You-”

        “Isn’t it great?” Nick asked Drew.  “You don’t even have to say ‘boo’ to Kevin, he wakes up if you hover and stare long enough.  He always tries to smack me upside the head for it, though.  Don’t ever do it to AJ; he gets so mad!  One time-”

        “Carter!  What the-”

        “You should get going,” Nick said.  “Jeff’s waiting for you.”

        Nick stopped short, halfway off of the bed.  He stared at Nick.

        Nick waved hello and offered him a hand.

        Nick let Nick help him to his feet.  “You talked to Jeff.”

        “Yeah.  We talked about a lot of stuff.”

        “Did you, are you okay?”

        “I am fine.  Jeff is fine.  You should go talk to him about it, and leave here so I can make love to Drew.”

        “Oh.  Sorry.  Are you sure you’re okay?  Can I-”

        “Tell you what.  We both know that you owe me.  You really, really owe me for a bunch of stuff.”

        “Like what?” Nick demanded.

        “I’m in the process of patching up every little rift in 98 Degrees that Jeff hitting me and Drew being mad and you being in the middle and Justin being an innocent bystander, caused.  That’s been fucking up all of your friendships and your tour, and I’m putting it back together.  There’s one.”

        “What else?” Nick asked.

        “Let’s see.  There might be something else...”

        Drew coughed.

        “Yeah, that,” Nick said.

        Nick turned red.

        “Right.  You.  Owe.  Me,” Nick said.

        “So?” Nick asked.

        “So when I want you to pay me back, I’ll let you know.”

        “Now I’m in debt to you?  Now I have to wait until the day you decide you want something from me?”

        “Yes,” Nick said.

        “Can’t I just pay you off right now?”

        “Sure.  What kind of price would you put on group solidarity and Drew’s love?”

        “Drew and I are brothers with or without your help, and 98 Degrees doesn’t need you to fix anything.”

        “Okay.  Whatever.  You’re right.”

        Nick sighed.  “You’re not going to ask me to do anything illegal, are you?”

        Nick grinned.  “Illegal in which countries?”

        Nick groaned.  “I’m going to bed.”

        “Good night,” Nick said.

        Nick hesitated.  "Are you sure-"

        "Yes, I'm fine.  Jeff's fine.  Everybody's fine.  You're fine, and so is your ass."

        Nick didn't even respond to that with a "Carter!"  He just...hovered.

        "Just do it," Drew said.  "I won't tell Brian."

        "Won't tell Brian what?" Nick asked.  Then Nick hugged him.  "Oh.  Hi."  He hugged Nick back.  Nick wasn't letting go.  Nick's hand rubbed up and down his side, which felt nice.  Hugging Nick in general felt nice.  He was used to hugging Brian and Drew, and they were sort of little.  This was good.  Nick still wasn't letting go, but that was okay.

        "Just do it," Drew said, sounding a little bit frustrated by idiocy.

        "I love you," Nick said, sort of quiet by his ear.

        Oh.  Oh.  Oh.  Okay.  They weren't talking about just-friends love, were they?  This was that other kind of love.  Nick was in love with him.  In love.  With him.  For real.  Sure, Nick had said it before, on the bus, but he'd figured that was maybe the regular friendship family mild sexual attraction kind of love, not the real thing.  No, this was the real thing, this was love-love, the being in love with him kind of love.  Um, damn.  Maybe it was a good thing Drew had just promised not to tell Brian, because Brian had broken up with Nick and Jeff.  He wasn't supposed to be on this tour, he wasn't supposed to be playing nice with the in-laws, and he really wasn't supposed to be having this nice little moment with Nick.  Oh, maybe he should say something back.

        "Thank you," Nick whispered, all full of meaning and depth.

        Wait, it had been his turn to talk, and Nick had thanked him.  Thanked him for what?  He was just standing here letting Nick hug him.  Thank you for what?  Thank you for...oh.  Oh, right, duh, god.  For Jeff.  For talking to Jeff and forgiving Jeff and everything else.  Oh, damn, it was stuff like that that made him love Nick right back.  Now he was getting all choked up.

        "Hey, no," Drew said.

        No, what?  He hadn't done anything.  Maybe Nick had.

        Nick slowly let go of him, so he let go of Nick, too.  "Good night," Nick said.

        "Good night," he said.

        Nick touched his hand, sort of just touching him for the sake of touching him, and then left.

        "No, what?" Nick asked Drew.

        "He wanted to kiss you."

        "No, he didn't.  How do you know?"

        "I can tell.  He tends to get carried away by hormones at the wrong times."  Drew rubbed up his back, looking up at him.  "I love you, too."

        "I love you," Nick said, and kissed Drew.  "I didn't say it back to him!  I was thinking about it, and-"

        "That's okay," Drew said.  "It's okay.  He didn't need you to.  He was saying it so you'd know it, because he needed to say it, because he needed to thank you.  This means so much to him..."

        "When did he become all mature and intelligent?"

        "The same time you became this strong," Drew said.  "It's been in you all along."

        "Okay, maybe I've been strong all along-"

        "You have."

        "Fine, I've been strong all along, but I don't think he's been this smart all along.  He was way too stupid before."

        Drew laughed.  "Be nice."

        "Drew?"

        "Yes?"

        Wow, look at that.  "Hey, your eyes got all soft."

        "They did not."

        "They did."

        "I was thinking about how much I love you."

        "Oh.  Okay.  Drew?"

        "Yes?"

        "Can I make love to you now?"

        "Yes," Drew said, leaning up and kissing him.  "Please."

        He could tattoo his name across Howie's forehead.

        He could lead Howie around on a collar and leash.

        He could erect an invisible force field around Howie, to keep everyone else away.

        None of those ideas seemed reasonable.  He needed something more commonly acceptable.

        The tattoo idea wasn't too far out of the realm of possibility, necessarily.  Justin had tattooed JC.

        What else could he try...what else...

        Well, there was always marriage.

        Or, um, building a robot clone of Howie to send out into the public while he kept Howie locked in a cage in his basement.

        Yeah, that one sounded good.  It wasn't like he'd have Howie naked or anything.  Tasteful casual dress sounded appropriate for a basement cage.  And it was a whole hell of a lot more likely than marriage.

        Okay, so he'd asked Howie to marry him.  He hadn't meant it.  Howie hadn't heard him.

        Unless Howie had heard him.

        Which hadn't happened.

        No, it hadn't happened.

        If Howie had heard him, he'd know about it.

        Right?

        Right.

        Chris watched Howie sleep some more.

        It was too dark to see, but Nick rubbed his thumb over the base of his third finger.  Drew’s engagement ring.  Brian’s name inside.  He’d give it back tomorrow.  First thing in the morning.

        “Mmm.”  Drew rolled over, his back to Nick now.

        Nick kissed Drew’s shoulder.  The back of Drew’s neck.  The edge of Drew’s hair.  He put his hand before his face and tried to see in the dark.  He wanted to see, again, what his hand looked like with an engagement ring on it.  If he were engaged, to Drew or to Brian, this was what his hand would look like.  This was what wearing the ring would feel like.  He’d have to be careful with it, like they were.

        Nick rubbed his hand down Drew’s upper arm.  He wondered what it would be like to be engaged to Drew.  What it would be like to be engaged to Brian.

        What if it were always like this?  What if he and Drew were lovers, were engaged, just the two of them, without Brian?  Just them.  Their secrets and their jokes and their love.  He’d have Drew all to himself.  They’d have fantastic sex every night.

        They’d probably fight more.  Yeah.  Having Brian in the relationship balanced their personalities.

        Nick cuddled Drew up, closing his eyes, holding Drew close.  He could almost imagine it, their relationship, a beautiful, exciting, tenuous thing.

        But Brian’s name was inside the ring, and Brian was inside Nick’s heart.  Brian was in Drew’s heart.

        What really would have happened if he’d been with Drew, just the two of them?  If he hadn’t pressed his luck and gotten Brian into bed with them, Drew might never have fallen in love with Brian.  But Drew didn’t jump into bed with anybody without having something going on inside.  Which meant that Drew had been developing a serious crush on Brian for who knew how long.

        Maybe that was part of why Drew had let Nick into his bed.  Maybe he’d had a thing for Nick and for Brian, and he hadn’t been able to pass up the opportunity not only to screw Nick but to screw Brian’s male lover.

        Nick decided not to ask.  Drew probably didn’t know, anyway.  That whole sexual repression thing had been serious.  Nick was glad he was dragging Drew out of that phase.

        He knew that Drew was still having trouble with Jeff.  The other Nick was probably too relieved to question it, but Drew wasn’t ready for everything to be okay yet.  Nick knew it had been a quick turn-around, but that was okay.  That was sort of what they’d needed.  He’d trusted Jeff too much, loved Jeff too much, to keep Jeff in that kind of pain any longer.  If Jeff needed his forgiveness, he could give that.

        It had taken a lot of strength and a lot of faith and a lot of trust to forgive.  He couldn’t have done it by himself, never.  But with Brian and Drew behind him, using their strength and their faith and their trust, he’d pulled it off.

        Now he had Jeff back.

        He squeezed Drew.  He was happy.

        He missed Brian, though.  He knew Drew did, too.

        Being on a tour, watching 98 Degrees perform, not being up there with the fellas, damn, that was hard.  Some weird part of him didn’t understand it.  Like how could there be a stage, a concert, a venue packed with screaming fans, and he was on the sidelines?  Why wasn’t he up there, why wasn’t he the one running offstage for a quick-change, why weren’t the fellas backstage with him?

        He wished he could take Drew on tour with him, with them.

        Show Drew how the big boys did it.

        He’d love to have Drew on tour with him.  Drew would get along with everybody.  Even Kevin.

        “Why are you snickering?”

        “I’m not.  Go back to sleep,” Nick said.

        Drew pushed himself up and flopped onto his other side, facing Nick.  “You woke me up.  Talk to me.”

        “Next time we go on tour, I’m bringing you with me.”

        “Okay.  But I’m sharing Brian’s bunk.”

        “Not mine?”

        “You take up too much room.”

        “No, I don’t!”

        “There’s a lot of you.  Long, gangly, big, and when you sprawl, it’s like two extra people.  I’m sharing with Brian.”

        “You’re jealous.”

        “Of what?”

        “That I’m taller.”

        “Nick.  I’m short.  I am short.  I got over it a long time ago.  I’m okay with it.  You’re tall, and I like that.  Your size appeals to me, and my size appeals to you.”

        “I like short guys.”

        “I noticed.”

        “You like it that I’m tall?”

        “Yes.  It’s sexy.  I like seeing you taking up too much room when you sprawl.”

        “It’s sexy?”

        “Yes.”

        “You’re weird.”

        “I’m unique.”

        “You’re a sex pervert.”

        “Takes one to screw one.”  Drew took advantage of Nick’s shock to kiss his mouth.

        JC made a pleased, half-satisfied noise against Justin’s chest.  He kissed a small nipple.  Justin rubbed between his shoulderblades and he hiked himself up closer, kissing Justin's mouth.  JC kissed so well, it was ridiculous.  It was like flawless fucking.  Justin tried not to make too many helpless, happy noises.

        Justin wondered how he kissed.  He had to be fairly good, or JC wouldn't kiss him this often.  Of course, he could suck at kissing, he could kiss like a maimed jellyfish, and JC would still think he was amazing.  But, hey.  He'd been kissing JC for years now.  Some of JC's technique, most of it, had to have rubbed off on him.  He was probably damned good at kissing by now.

        Justin took a second to breathe again and said, "JC, am I a good kisser?"

        "You're amazing, baby," JC said.

        Boy, had he called that one.

        "I love your mouth, baby, and I love the way you use it."

        Damn.

        JC kissed Justin softly, chastely.  "When you kiss me I feel your love for me, Justin.  I feel it in your surrender and I feel it in your possession.  I feel it in the way you take my mouth for yours, and I feel it in the way you let me take you."  His hand slid down Justin's chest, down over Justin's hip, as he looked into Justin's eyes.  Justin tried to hold still and not push into JC's touch like a slut.  At least not while JC was keeping eye contact.  "When we kiss, I can feel us making love."

        That was a lot to ask from one simple kiss, but when did JC ever expect anything run-of-the-mill from what happened between them?  “I love you, baby,” Justin said.

        “I love you, Justin,” JC said.  “Did you have a good time last night?”

        “Mmm, yeah,” Justin said.  He tried to think about the clubs, and not about getting to screw JC.  Getting to screw JC was not supposed to be a noteworthy event, not after they'd been together for this long.  Never mind how insanely good at getting screwed JC was.  God, JC was good at that.  And last night, JC hadn't stayed in control, had let him be in charge.  What a rush.  What a - - oh, right.  JC expected an answer to the question.  “I’m glad Brian’s here.  I’m so glad you’re doing the project with him.  I’ve known Brian for years, but I guess I never really knew him well.  He’s great.”

        “I’m glad you like him, baby. I want you to have friends.”

        “JC, I have a lot of friends.”

        “You can’t be open with all of them like you can with Joey or Chris or Lance or Nick.”

        “Brian really...  He gives good advice.”

        “On what?” JC asked, sliding up a bit to be face-to-face.

        “On whatever,” Justin said.  “Nick tells you stuff he doesn’t tell me, right?”

        “Yes.”

        “But everything he tells me, you know about.”

        “Yes.”

        “He told you about the way Brian-”

        “Yes.”

        “Do you think it’s true?”

        JC nodded.  “Yeah, I think it’s true.”

        “Brian?”

        “Even the people who seem most good and simple can act on their lust.  Look at Lance.”

        “What about Lance?” Justin asked.

        “We know he has more passions and darknesses than most people think when they meet him.  It’s the same with Brian.”

        “Oh.  Right.”  Justin breathed a little easier.  That had scared him.  “Does Nick do stuff we don’t do?”

        “Sexually?  Not that I know of.”

        “Do we do stuff he doesn’t do?”

        “Justin, what’s wrong?”

        “I was wondering if there’s more stuff we could be doing.”

        “If you’re unhappy-”

        “God, JC, no.”

        “Then what’s wrong?”

        “I don’t want you to get bored.”

        JC laughed.

        Justin sighed.  Never mind.  He hadn’t really thought JC had been bored, but he’d figured it couldn’t hurt to ask.  He wasn’t threatened by Lance, but he was being given a good opportunity to take a good look at his relationship with JC and search for strengths and weaknesses.

        JC was still laughing.

        It hadn’t been that funny.

        “Bored,” JC said, and burst into laughter all over again.

        Chris came out and stood beside him, picking over the clothes hanging off of the rack.  “What’s the theme of this shoot, cowboy scuba divers?”

        “What were you doing in there?” Joey asked.

        “Wouldn’t you like to know?” Chris asked.  “I guess you would, since you asked.  I was telling Howie about the infamous wine rack incident, starring myself, Lance Bass, and Utter Idiocy.”

        “Were you a lot funnier than usual?”

        “Yes, I was,” Chris said.  “I’m always funnier around Howie, because he thinks I’m hilarious.  He’s my best audience.  He always listens, and he always laughs.  Howie loves corny jokes, so even my stupid humor works.  He doesn’t get sick of me.  He’d let me go on forever.  He loves to hear more.  And I know you’ve noticed how pretty his smile is.”

        Joey wished Chris wouldn’t give him that look.  It made him have to confess.  “Yeah, it’s a pretty smile.”

        “Joey, can I tell you two things, just between us?”

        “Sure,” Joey said.

        “First, I am infatuated deep in love with Howie.  Deep in love.  And it’s so good to feel like I’m giving that love to the right man.”

        Joey blinked.  That was a point people just didn’t consider.  Maybe they should.

        “And second, dude, I think you’re way too open about other guys.  If you’re not bi, you need to stop hanging around us, because it’s starting to get strange.”

        “I’m not bi,” Joey said.  “I’m straight.”

        “Maybe it’s time you started experimenting.”

        “With what?”

        “Men.”

        “For what?  No.  I’m not kissing guys.”

        “You have kissed guys.”

        “You, Lance, and Justin.  That’s, that’s, no, Chris.”

        “You gave me tongue.  Did you give them tongue?”

        “Lance.”

        “You gave Lance tongue.  Joey, did Lance give you tongue?”

        “Yeah.”

        “Right.  Okay.  Okay, you’re bi.”

        “No, I’m not.  You know I’m not.”

        “So you think it’s okay to tongue-kiss sexy bi boys.”

        “It was just Lance.”

        “Did you ever touch his dick?”

        “No!”

        “Have you ever touched anybody’s?”

        “Nobody’s but mine.”

        “Maybe you should try.”

        “Maybe you should shut up.  You’re very happy in your relationship, JC and Justin are very happy in their relationship, Lance is very happy being mostly gay.  I’m very happy being straight.  I’m very happy with women.  I don’t want men.  I don’t want to look at them or touch them or do anything with them that I do with women.”

        “Okay,” Chris said.  “I support heterosexuality.  Some of my best friends are straight.  I used to be straight, myself.  But I don’t know any straight guys who’d tell me my lover has a pretty smile.  And there isn’t a straight guy on earth who’d tongue-kiss Lance and then be okay about it and then admit to it like it isn’t a little strange.”

        “I’m not going to do it again.”

        “Yeah, that’s good.”

        “I’m straight.”

        “Congratulations.  I believe you, Joey.  I do.  Anybody who’s around JC as much as you are, for as long as you have been, and is still immune to him, is one hundred percent heterosexual.  You have passed the test.”

        “Glad to hear it,” Justin said.

        “Justin J., I promise you, when we get on this bus, you will find a new 98 Degrees.  A happier - - louder, what the fuck?”  Damn it, yelling.  Nick jumped onto the bus.

        “-trusted you!” Drew shouted.

        “I-” Jeff tried to say.

        “He loved you!”

        “Damn, I still do,” Nick said.  “It’s not like I ever stopped.  Could you stop shouting?  You’re scaring the bodyguards.  What’s going on?”

        “Nothing,” Drew said.

        “I just promised Justin a good morning and a happy bus.  The incredible tension is not part of the package.  Okay, point fingers, who started it?  And where is my namesake?”

        “On his way,” Justin said.

        “Nick is finally getting his happy family back again,” Nick said.  “I’m not letting anybody ruin it for him, so shape up.  Drew, either plaster on a smile or get in your bunk.”

        “I-”

        “I love you, too,” Nick said, and pushed Drew into his bunk.  “Get in and stay.”

        Nick stepped onto the bus.  “Hey.”

        “Hey,” Justin said.  “Good morning to you.”

        “Are we doing something?” Nick asked, looking from one face to another.

        “We’re talking about you behind your back,” Nick said.  “Now that you’re here, I guess we should stop.”

        “All right,” Justin said.  “Same time tomorrow?”

        “Wouldn’t miss it,” Nick said.  “Jeff, you’re the man, you know it’s true.  Never stopped.  Always will.”  He got into Drew’s bunk, squishing Drew somewhat, and made sure the curtains were drawn.  Then he whispered, “What’s wrong with you?”

        Drew pushed and pulled until they weren’t on top of each other anymore.  Only touching where they had to, which was still a lot of touching, because Nick wasn’t budging.

        “What’s wrong?” Nick repeated, asking because he wanted to know, not because he wanted to fight.  “I know why you’re mad at Jeff-”

        “No, you don’t,” Drew said.  “I’m mad at him because you aren’t.  I’m yelling at him because you won’t.  I’m fighting because you haven’t.  You won’t do it, so I will.”

        “Nobody has to,” Nick said.

        “No, somebody has to,” Drew said.  “I know what he did to you.  And yeah, people got mad at him, AJ hit him, he’s regretted it, but he never had to pay for it.  And you never got to stand up for yourself and tell him directly to his face in bold, plain words why he was wrong and what damage he caused.”

        “He’s paid for it plenty,” Nick said.  “It’s messed up his whole friendship with you, it’s hurting his friendship with Justin, it’s messing up your whole group.  All of that stuff hurts his marriage.  Not only did he just lose Brian, he also cost Nick Brian, and we all know Nick’s in love with Brian.  And, look, all of that stuff that went on between me and Jeff, the way we were together, it was a lot deeper than it looked.  We were really close, we were really good friends, and it’s not like he had a good time hitting me and losing my friendship.”

        “He lost your friendship for a few months, you stopped talking to him, now you’re back like nothing happened,” Drew said.  “Did you even try to explain to him-”

        “He knows,” Nick said.  “He knows.”

        Drew wasn’t satisfied.

        “Drew.  Jeff is your friend.  Your best friend.”

        “Justin’s my best friend.”

        “Okay, Jeff is one of your best friends.  You guys are family now.  And you have this great thing, 98 Degrees.  You’re the two most important people in Nick’s life.  You have so many reasons you need to get along with him.  JC’s my best friend, but if we got bitchy and broke up, my life would still go on okay.  If Kevin and I fight too hard someday and fuck up our brotherhood, I could still function.  But Jeff is your best friend and your family and your job and everything.  You know how important he is to you.  You know you love him.  Come on.  He’s Jeff.  You guys have been together for years.”

        “He hurt you.”

        “I’m going to have to convince Brian that everything’s okay.  Don’t make this harder on me.”

        Drew shook his head.  “I don’t know.”

        “Try for me.  Try for Nick.  Try for Justin.  Try for yourself, come on, Drew,” Nick wheedled, poking Drew in the stomach.  “Come on, come on, come on, please, please...”

        Drew laughed, capturing Nick’s hand.  “I’ll try.”

        “Promise?” Nick asked, making begging faces.

        “I promise,” Drew said.

        Nick kissed him.  “Thank you.”

        Drew thought about it.  “I haven’t talked to Jeff...  I’ve gotten so good at existing around him it’s like we’re on different planes in the same universe.”

        “Get closer.  Baby steps.  Try different helicopters, instead,” Nick said.

        Drew looked at him.  “What?”

        “What?”

        Something was ringing.  “Is that you?”

        “Hold on.”  Nick found his phone.  “Hel-”

        “Do you know what he did to me?”

        “What?” Nick asked.

        “He got me drunk on purpose, on purpose, and then he did things to me!  I’ve been violated!  He violated me!”

        “Who the hell - - Joey?”

        “Joey?” Drew asked.  He hadn’t expected Joey to call Nick.  Justin, sure, Joey talked to Justin all of the time, but Nick?

        “No!” Joey said to someone on his end of the conversation.  “No, I have to tell him.  He needs to know what sort of person he’s involved with.  He-”

        “Hey, Nick, it’s-”

        “JC, what is he talking about?” Nick asked.

        “Nothing,” JC said.  “Brian.”

        “Brian?” Nick asked.  “What’d he do?”

        “A bunch of stuff,” JC said.  “He and Chris ganged up on Joey in a series of unfortunate events.”

        “Like what?”

        “They toilet-papered his hotel room.”

        “Old news.  We did that to Kevin once a month for two straight years.”

        “They sent him notes, they sent him presents, they took photographs - - they made him think he was being stalked.”

        “Did it to Howie, 1996.”

        “They got us all to screw up soundcheck so when he had his monitor in he couldn't hear us, but as soon as he took it out we were singing away.  Confused the hell out of him.”

        “Brian pulled that one on me twice.”

        “Twice?”

        “I was gullible.”

        “They got him drunk, and when he passed out they stripped him naked and gave him a whipped cream bikini.”

        “Did that one to AJ, too, after Brian saw Van der Beek’s movie.”

        “Brian’s done this all before?”

        “Yeah, but to us.  To you guys, it’s all new.  You should be glad he’s focused on Joey.  With us, we were all fair game.”

        “What’s he going to do next?”

        “Only Brian knows.”

        “You toilet-papered Kevin’s hotel room for two years?”

        “Every month,” Nick said.  “The first time was my idea, but Brian said, why not do it again?  Hey, did they take pictures of the whipped cream?”

        “No.”

        “We still have pictures of AJ.”

        “You have pictures?!”

        “Sure.  You want to see them?”

        The pillow smelled like...him.

        Him.

        Justin bit the pillowcase, drawing it into his mouth, sucking on it.  He'd been facedown before, with him, being fucked, being taken, being used.  He could remember it all, the feel of it, the smell of it, the taste, the sound...

        Justin came, spurting into the pants he hadn't bothered to take down.

        "Take down your pants and get on your stomach."

        Justin moaned, cupping his balls, wanting.  He still couldn't believe it had happened.  He still couldn't-

        The curtain to the bunk whisked open and shut too quickly for anyone to see Justin.  Just that fast, JC was in there with him, and Justin would have cried out at the sight if JC hadn't put a hand over his mouth.  He breathed against JC's palm as JC stared into his eyes.  JC was waiting for him to re-center in reality.  It wasn't that easy.

        JC slowly withdrew his hand.  "Baby, what's wrong?" JC whispered.

        Justin pulled his own hand out of his pants, forcing himself not to rub his spent prick.

        "Talk to me," JC whispered, sliding against him and aligning their bodies.  JC looked into his eyes, rubbing his back in soothing circular patterns.  "What's going on?"

        "I want him," Justin said.  "I want him."  Justin's breathing hitched and he closed his eyes so he wouldn't be confused by looking at JC.

        "You had him, baby."

        "I didn't," Justin said.  "I never got to see him come.  I want to see him come.  You know what that's like.  You know the way you watch me come.  It's all you care about, it's all you need when you make love to me.  It's important for you to know what I look like when I come.  I didn't see him come.  I didn't watch.  The first time he came, I was so busy experiencing his body, there was nothing else on my mind other than the way that ripple went through his muscles and the sound of that slow groan.  The second time he came, I was too overwhelmed, and I was facing away from him.  I missed it.  I didn't see it.  I never got to see...  I can imagine it, I can imagine what he looks like, but I don't know.  I'll never get to watch him come."

        "Baby," JC said.  "Baby, none of that matters."

        Justin opened his eyes.  He shouldn't have, because all he saw was the object of his dark obsessions.  It was JC, JC right there with him, JC's body against him.  JC's body this close meant JC's dick.  Justin started to slide down for it.

        "No, no, baby," JC said, pulling him up again.  He twisted away and slid down JC's body, lips already parting in needful anticipation.  "Not now," JC said, stroking his cheek.  "Not now, baby."

        The touch wasn't right; the tone wasn't right.  But the body was the same.  Justin dared to lay a hand on JC's thigh, putting his mouth to the fly of JC's jeans.  He licked over the rough denim, wanting to lick right inside the zipper and onto JC's cock.

        "Not now,  not when you want him.  I'm not him," JC said.  "Justin, no."

        Justin sucked against the denim, rubbing his own dick inside his pants again.

        "I can't do that for you.  I won't be someone else.  I'm sorry, baby," JC said, and rolled away and got up.

        Alone with his need, Justin crawled back up the mattress, burying his face in the pillow, sucking it for JC's taste, masturbating.

        Joey was too big and hairy, anyway.  They should’ve done it to JC instead, or Justin.

        Hell, for all Chris knew, JC and Justin did that to each other all of the time.

        Or else Brian and Nick did.  Brian’s technique had been a little too good.

        Freaky.

        The curtain moved, and Chris tensed, ready to kick Joey in the balls and let loose a piercing scream.  He had the shrieking thing down pat.  Lance hated it.

        The curtain began to slide aside.

        Chris was about to attack.  One, two, three, screa-

        It was just Howie.  Chris relaxed.  Howie lay down beside him and pulled the curtain shut again.

        Then Howie started stroking his arm.  Kissing him.  Okay.  Chris kissed back.  The stroking moved to Chris’s ass.  Oh, it was making out time.  Chris got more comfortable, coaxing Howie closer.

        He wanted to take Howie out again tonight, so he could get Howie drunk, so he could re-enact the sex he’d gotten after they’d all gone clubbing.  Those sloppy deep kisses in the back of the car, with lots of tongue and quick heat and teenage groping.  It had been very human, and he loved Howie’s human sides as much, if not more, than he worshipped Howie’s perfect sides.

        Chris wanted to see Howie close his finger in a door, or leave his fly open, or drop a plate like a clumsy idiot.  Howie’s imperfections were slight and endearing.  There was nothing wrong or stupid about him.

        That whole going ballistic in public and getting violent on some guy just because he’d kissed Chris thing, that had been pretty big and pretty stupid.

        Oh, oh, god.  He wasn’t, he was, oh god, no...  Chris gasped open-mouthed into Howie’s kiss as Howie’s hand came inside his opened fly.  His hips bucked forward to get some friction against Howie’s palm, and Howie’s gentle grasp closed around his hardening cock.

        Howie licked at his chin, and he knew, he just knew, that he was about to get a blowjob, right then, right there.  Oh, god, yes!

        “Hey, Howie,” Brian’s voice said.

        Howie looked up, like he could see through the curtain.

        Chris tried not to rub against Howie too much.  It felt...good...

        Shit!  No, no way, no-  Howie was pulling back, wiping his hand on Chris’s jeans, wiping his mouth.  “I’ll see you later,” Howie whispered, and then left.  Just like that.

        That, that, that...tease!  Howie was a cocktease.  God damn it.

        What kind of horrible boyfriend would leave Chris like this?  He looked down at his hard-on.  Maybe he should just jack off.  Maybe he should tuck it back in and try to get some sleep.  Maybe he should do the same thing to Howie and see how Howie liked it.

        No, that would never work.  He’d never be able to walk away from Howie like that.  Walk away from Howie?  If Howie were kissing him and turned on and hard in his hand?  Right.  The day pigs flew out of Chris’s ass.

        Psycho.

        He was pushing JC away because he was obsessed with JC.  He was hurting his husband in favor of the subject of his perverted lust.  But, because he was certifiable, they happened to be one and the same person.

        JC should be flattered and indulge his nasty little kink.  But JC had to take everything so freaking personally...

        Justin sighed.  It wasn't a nasty little kink.  It was a serious, somewhat deranged, psycho-ward obsession.  It had started off as a hot, private fantasy, but then he'd actually gotten to be with JC, so he'd pushed it to the back of his mind and left it there.  Apparently it had grown a lot stronger in that time, and now that he'd let it out, it was taking over his brain and his body.  It had a lot more power over him now.  JC had a lot more power over him now.

        Justin couldn't be trusted with healthy kinks, because they all ended up involving JC, and JC was a dangerous element.  Bring JC into it and even the polite little kinks turned into crazy-hot psycho sex and left Justin with sore muscles, broken furniture, and a brain that didn't work right for days afterward.

        This whole role-playing thing had backfired.  Justin kept falling back into his role, and it was hard to get out of it.  That was probably because it was all a little too close to the truth.

        He had to get over it.  He had to let it go.  He had JC.  He was Justin Timberlake Chasez, not some hormone-crazed fan.  He could nail JC any time he wanted to.  Fantasy land was over.  It had nothing to offer him.

        What he should be fantasizing about was JC, his JC, and what JC might do after getting in the bunk and finding him naked.

        Justin closed his eyes, thinking about it.  Dreaming about it.  JC's voice, soft and reverent.  JC's touch, loving and worshipping.  JC's mouth, hot and satisfying.  He could imagine it, JC there with him, whispering his name, looking...

        "Justin.  Justin."

        Justin opened his eyes.  JC.

        "Your body, baby, it's so beautiful, it's so perfect.  Please, baby, let me touch it.  Let me touch you."  JC was over him, and he could see soul-deep desire in JC's eyes.

        This was JC.  This was his JC.  Loving, adoring, desiring, worshipping.  All JC wanted was his happiness.

        "Please, Justin. Please, baby," JC said, one hand hovering at Justin's side, wanting to touch him, waiting for permission.

        Justin fitted his palm to JC's cheek, gazing into JC's eyes.  "Do you love me?"

        "Yes, Justin, yes, I love you," JC said.

        Justin pulled him in, kissing his mouth.  "Say it again."

        "I love you, Justin, I love you," JC said, and licked inside Justin's mouth.  His hands ran down Justin's sides, supporting his ribcage.  "I love you, baby, I'll love you forever.  I love you every day, I'll always love you, there's no power on earth like my love for you."  His kiss proved it.  "What else do you want to hear, baby?  What else can I tell you?"  JC kissed Justin's ear.

        He wanted to hear all of the things the other JC wouldn't tell him, but he didn't know how to explain that.

        "You're so pretty, Justin," JC said, and licked at Justin's left nipple.  "You're so pretty, baby."

        Mmm...

        "You're so pretty and so special, baby.  So special.  There's no one like you, no one as beautiful, no one as vibrant, no one I could ever love like I love you.  No one else has your smile, your laugh, your generous nature."  JC sucked the skin right where Justin's hip met his body, and Justin moaned, twisting, lifting his leg.  "No one's as special as you, baby, and no one's as sexy.  Nobody does it for me like you do, Justin, no one has a body this perfect, no one responds to love like you do."  JC licked up towards the head of Justin's cock, and Justin closed his eyes, losing himself in the wet heat of JC's mouth.

        “You took pictures?” Drew asked.

        “Oh, yeah.  They’re at the house.  We keep them locked up tight, because if anyone ever found them, AJ would kill us.”

        “Why’d you pick AJ?”

        “I didn’t want to touch Kevin naked, and Howie’s too nice.”

        “You want to touch AJ naked?” Drew asked.

        “Not like that, pervert.  It’s just, you know, Big Daddy Kev and naked touching, that’s kind of gross and scary.  But AJ, it’s just AJ, he doesn’t care.”

        “Hmm.”

        “What?”

        “How did you feel about touching Brian before...before?”

        “Touching him naked?  Drew, it isn’t like the Backstreet Boys tour bus was an orgy.”

        “Just answer the question.”

        “I kind of wanted to touch Brian.  Not his dick, or not only his dick.  I just wanted to touch...him.  I wanted to know what he felt like, everywhere.  He’s playful, and I’m touchy-feely-”

        “You’re all over people.”

        “What?  I’m not.”

        “You are.”

        “Okay, he’s playful and I’m all over people, so I always had an excuse to touch him if I wanted to.  And being the youngest, that didn’t hurt.”

        “You used your youth and the appearance of innocence to seduce an older man.”

        “He seduced me.”

        “You walked into the shower with him.”

        “I’m talking here.  Do you want to hear this or not?”

        “Go ahead.”

        “Thanks.  I wanted to touch Brian.  He was my best friend and I really looked up to him, and it didn’t seem strange to me to want to touch him.  I knew it wasn’t something I should talk about, but I didn’t know it was wrong.”

        “It wasn’t wrong.”

        “Okay, I didn’t know it was based on me being gay.  Being gay is not wrong, it’s just different, and I didn’t know that I was different.”

        “Much better.”

        “Great.  Anyway, AJ doesn’t care where I touch him or why, and Howie’s kind of touchy-feely too, and Kevin’s cool with it as long as I don’t embarrass him in public, which I always do anyway.  But Brian was different.  I was more aware of what it felt like to touch him.  I was more aware of which part of him I was touching, and whether or not he was touching me back.”

        “Was he?”

        “Was he touching me back?  Yeah, but it was really casual, matter-of-fact, like he was daring anyone to second-guess his motives.  He’s always been good at that, at being so upstanding and confident and straightforward about stuff that you figure he can’t mean anything by it.  That’s why there are all of those pictures of us playing and holding hands and messing around, because yeah, we were together, but he could do stuff all in front of fans and press, and no one looked twice.”

        “Brian’s very...”

        “Straight.”

        “Yes.”

        “He’s really heterosexual for someone with two gay lovers,” Nick agreed.  “I think he’s straight.  I don’t know.  He gives really good head for a straight guy.”

        Drew laughed.

        “I think he’s straight, he just likes gay sex.”

        “Is that possible?”

        “It’s Brian.  Anything’s possible.”

        “If he’s only with us for the sex, I can’t blame him for it,” Drew said.

        “We are great in bed.  And on the table.  And against the wall.”

        “And on the bus.”

        “And on the bus,” Nick agreed.  “Wanna screw on the bus?”

        “No.”

        “Yes, you do.”

        “Yes, I do, but we’re not going to.”

        “You suck.”

        Silence.  Drew’s mind wandered.  Nick and Brian.  Nick touching Brian.  Brian touching back.  Nick touching AJ?  He probably shouldn’t go there.  Back to Nick touching Brian.

        “Drew,” Nick whispered.

        Drew turned his head to look.

        Nick’s nostrils flared.

        Drew’s cock twitched.

        Nick grinned.

        Drew made his move.

        “Whoa!  Oh, Drew...  Damn...”

        Chris came over.  “Is it safe?”

        “Is it safe?” Brian asked Joey.

        Yeah, it was safe.  Joey forgave Chris.  Everything was good.

        “Glad to hear it, because you have other things to worry about.  There’s this girl trying to get your ass.”

        What?

        “This girl.  Pretty, blonde hair.  Over there, see her?  Don’t stare, Joey, we could just hold up flashing neon signs that say ‘We’re talking about you!’  Yeah, her.  She’s been asking about you and talking about you.  She wants to live in your pants, curled up with your dick.”

        Like JC and Justin?

        “Right, exactly.”

        Maybe he should go talk to her.

        “Okay, maybe I exaggerated a little.  Maybe it’s more like she’s interested in you.  I might have overdone it there.  Don’t expect her to jump you or anything.”

        What was her name?

        “Lisa.  Don’t break her heart.”

        Lisa.  Joey hadn’t had sex with a girl named Lisa in a while.  He decided to go over and introduce himself.

        Lance watched Joey approach the woman, and propped himself against the bar, beside Chris and Brian.  “What’s wrong with her?”

        “Nothing,” Chris said.

        “She’s a lesbian,” Brian said.  “Don’t worry, she knows what we’re doing.”

        “Right, because it would be wrong to make fun of her or hurt her feelings,” Chris said.

        “But it’s okay to humiliate Joey,” Lance said.

        “Exactly,” Chris said.

        “How long before he figures it out?” Brian asked.

        “He’s drunk, and we talked her up, so it’ll be a while,” Chris said.

        “This is senseless cruelty,” Lance said.

        “So why don’t you go get him?” Chris asked.

        “And miss the best part?” Lance asked.  Someone had stepped into his line of sight.  “Move over.”

        Justin didn’t have any of the guys to play with, because they were all out with Brian.  He tried calling Nick, but Nick was already on the phone with Kevin.  He played Nintendo, but he couldn’t be noisy because he didn’t want to disturb JC.  He watched The Matrix, but he was too restless to sit still for it.  He went to take a bath.  Maybe a long soak would be good.

        A tub of hot water.  Candles flickering, lights off.  Justin closed his eyes and relaxed.  Maybe this was good for him.  He didn’t have to go out every night.  He didn’t have to skip the clubs only to screw JC.  He could spend his nights in other ways.  He needed to take better care of himself, anyway.

        Who was he kidding?  He’d spent so many nights sitting in a hotel room watching bad movies, sometimes the very sight of another hotel room made him claustrophobic.  As for taking care of himself, JC took great care of him.

        He went out because it was fun.  If he didn’t go out, it was because he couldn’t wait until after the clubs to screw JC.  Tonight, he’d wanted to spend time with JC, hang out, talk.  He’d wanted to sit down and be together, just the two of them.

        And then, after he’d talked and looked and soaked up JC, they could fuck like animals.

        But JC was busy.  Working.  That was good, that was cool.  There must have been some sort of breakthrough, because JC was so frantic Justin wouldn’t be surprised if he sent someone to drag Brian back from the clubs.

        Justin knew JC was writing stuff he wasn’t allowed to see.  Sometimes JC and Brian’s conversations sounded like they were skipping words, or speaking in brief codes.  JC would turn pages or flip papers over if Justin got too close.  JC was very open with everything else about the Sentimental Fools, and Justin had seen a lot of their music.  But JC was writing something - - a secret song, a group of songs? - - that Justin wasn’t supposed to know about.

        It wouldn’t be a secret for long.  As soon as the Sentimental Fools were in the studio, Justin would hear the songs - - unless JC tried to keep him out of the studio.  Like that was going to happen.

        Justin raised his hand, skimming his fingers across the surface of the water.  Cold air.  He submerged his hand again, watching the water ripples.

        What should he do after his bath?  He looked at the candles.  He didn’t feel like going out now.  He could watch a movie.  He could order food.  He could try to write.  He could-

        The bathroom door opened and closed, making the candle flames flicker.  JC was-

        -oh god-

        -barefoot but fully dressed, and striding right over, one foot in the tub, then two, on his knees, in the tub, in the water, on Justin, jeans and T-shirt and everything.  His hand went straight for the back of Justin’s neck, supporting, and he stole Justin’s kiss.

        Justin had his hands in JC’s hair, gripping down JC’s back.  His body was restless, hips turning, knees bending, feet flexing, betraying the confusion brought by the sudden, overwhelming need.  JC’s arm came around his back, holding him up, lifting him closer, and he moaned, willing, ready, wanting it.

        JC was acting like he’d come in to find Justin naked in a candlelit bed.  The bathtub full of hot water seemed to have escaped him.

        Or maybe he wanted Justin so badly, he didn’t care.  Maybe he had to have Justin, right then and there, and nothing else mattered.

        Justin was beyond in touch with that emotion.

        JC had Justin’s hips up off of the tub, making him bear his weight on his shoulders against the back of the tub, and was rocking against him, kissing him, freaking him.  Justin was wrapping his legs around JC, crawling his hands up under JC’s shirt, digging his fingers into JC’s back, making urgent noises every time JC’s hips rocked forward.

        “Justin,” JC said.  It was his harsh, needy, I love you so much I have to fuck you right now or explode, voice.  It was the tone that ripped Justin’s clothes off, threw him down, and took him right there on the floor because JC had to possess him.

        “JC,” Justin said.  He could hear it in his voice, what JC was hearing.  One word, JC’s name, and he’d said fuck me, fuck me, fuck me like the man I am and the boy I was and the whore I am for you.  He was kissing JC as greedy and as hard as he wanted JC to take him.  He scratched at JC’s back, desperate, trying to fuck up against JC with his hips.  He was hard and JC’s jeans were rough and he didn’t care.

        JC let go of Justin, who dropped back, howling, reaching.  JC wrenched his soaked jeans open, twisting violently to get enough freedom for a fuck.  Then JC was back, on top of Justin, and Justin was as appeased as Justin could get when the need was this fevered.  JC’s finger was in and Justin howled again, clawing JC’s back, wanting it, protesting it.  He liked the way it felt but it wasn’t JC’s dick, so it could never be good enough.  Nothing but JC, JC’s love and JC’s dick, could ever be good enough for Justin.

        There it was, right there, oh god, JC.  That was exactly what Justin wanted.  Pushing, stretching, and Justin gripped the side of the tub with his hand, lifting himself up.  He opened himself up on a scream, letting JC in.  He turned his head sharply, gasping so hard it hurt, and JC was fucking him.

        Hard.

        It was flaming and it was burning and Justin finally opened his eyes, vision clearing from the red-black haze of passion-fed need.  Dark room, bright spots of candles, dim light flicking over JC, sweat trickling down sharp cheekbones, shadow and flare, JC’s eyes.

        “JC.”  It no longer seemed strange to be in the tub, soaking wet, or to hear the splashing of water with JC’s sharp thrusts.  The building, pent-up explosion within Justin was secondary to the passion rasping in JC’s every breath.  The killing speed and power of JC’s fuck had Justin beyond salvation.  All he could do was hold on and feel every second of the fire’s burn.

        It was still building within JC when the explosion overtook Justin and he came, screaming, crying, begging.  He was shaking, begging louder and louder, trying not to scream but hearing himself doing it, feeling himself sobbing.  He couldn’t take it, he couldn’t, but he wanted more, he needed more, oh please, God, more...

        JC fucked him through it, into it and out of it and into it again, making his body betray him, making his mind betray him, making him suffer through another orgasm and beg for it.  And then JC came, and Justin experienced that, too, felt JC’s orgasm in a way he hadn’t even felt his own.

        His last thought was that he’d be happy if he drowned.