Where You Belong

Where You Belong, eighth in the "Living" series

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Thus far we've had JC/Justin, Nick/Drew/Brian, Nick/Jeff, Nick/Drew/Brian/Nick/Jeff, AJ/Lance, AJ/Howie, AJ/Kevin, Chris/Howie, and partridge/pear tree.

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashwriters.

Wherein Drew won't go behind Brian's back, AJ can screw anybody he wants, and could JC be mellowing?

Notice: First, read "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," "Rest in Peace," "Destiny," and "Together." I know it sounds like a lot, but it'll only take you an hour or two.

Nick was on the tour with them, and it seemed like Nick was happy, which had been most of the goal. Drew was defrosting very quickly. But Jeff was tense, taciturn, even when it was just the two of them. In bed at the hotel last night, Nick had felt like he was trying to cuddle granite. He was afraid that if this trend continued, Jeff would end up cold, unyielding. And that wasn't Jeff. That wasn't Jeff at all.

It was difficult to share a bunk with someone who acted like you had major body odor. Nick was sure that Jeff would have avoided their bunk if being on the rest of the bus didn't mean running into Drew and Nick Carter.

"Nick, are you asleep?"

Nick wanted to groan and smile at the same time. He settled for, "Yes."

"Well, get up. I want to talk to you."

"Talk to me later."

"Why not now? Are you doing something in there?"

"Carter, go away."

"Lachey, you invited me here."

Nick started to get up, turned back to kiss Jeff's shoulder, and went to go see what Nick wanted.

Carter was in the aisle, waiting for him.

"What?"

"I want to talk to you. It won't take long."

Okay. Nick walked over and sat.

Carter sat beside him. "Have you ever used a dildo?"

He was definitely in the wrong conversation.

"Sit down, you coward. We're adults. Have you ever used a dildo?"

"No."

"I guess you haven't used a vibrator."

"No." God, if Justin weren't deep asleep right now-

"Would you like it, if you did?"

"What?" What Jeff must be thinking, overhearing this... Whatever it was, it couldn't be good.

"A dildo. If you had one, and you used it, wouldn't you like it?"

"Carter... No. I don't know. No."

"Just think about it. You like getting fucked. It feels good, and it makes you come."

Yes. Okay. True. But...something fake?

"If you had something to use, something designed for it, would you use it?"

"I don't need to."

"As much as I maybe enjoy the idea of you working yourself over with a vibrator, that's not really what I'm thinking of. I was thinking of Drew. He has the same - - both of you get easy and horny when it comes to that kind of attention."

"So talk to him about it," Nick said.

Nick ignored that suggestion. "Drew's away from me and Brian for long periods of time. And I don't like him being unsatisfied for months on end. And I know what he likes. So, if you were cut off from your regular sex life... You'd at least try it?"

"I'd have to be really desperate."

"You could try to be helpful."

"Sorry. Nick, I don't know."

"Let's start over."

"Okay." He'd try.

"You like sex."

"Yes."

"You like to be fucked. You like getting finger-fucked, right? You'd like getting rimmed if you got it a little more often. You like getting fisted."

Nick put his elbows on his knees and ran his hands through his hair. "Yeah." Okay, yes.

"There's a whole industry that makes things just for that," Nick said. "Specially designed for maximum pleasure. Why wouldn't you want to try it?"

"It's not... They're..."

"What you're trying to say is that sex is one thing, but if you're doing it on your own, then you're a slut. And it's not like jacking off, because all guys do that. It's doing it like women do. Sex is okay, but you're too much of a man for a vibrator."

He didn't want it to sound like that, but, "Yeah."

"So I have to get over Drew's sexist inhibitions, and let him know he's a macho manly man whether he takes it up the ass or not."

"Right."

"You think if I used it on myself first? Or let him use it on me?"

"That would, uh, help."

"Maybe if Brian showed him how."

Nick nodded. That would help a lot, too.

Nick looked at him with a sly smile.

Uh-oh.

"You think you want to try one, too?"

"No," Nick said, sounding as firm as he could.

"Your loss."

"Wait." Nick took Nick's arm and pulled him back down again.

"Yes?"

He refused to be deterred by Nick's smugness. "Do you have one?"

"One what?"

"You know what I mean, Carter."

"I have a dildo. I have two vibrators, a little one to play with and a good one for the real thing."

"You use them?"

"I haven't in years. That was pre-Drew."

"Why'd you stop?"

"I got Drew. He wasn't ready to hear anything about that stuff."

"You think he's ready now?"

"Drew's grown up now. I think his horizons are very expandable. Yours are, too, but you don't want to admit it."

"I'm not close-minded."

"No, but you take a lot of pushing and prodding. But that's okay. It's always worth it. Because when you get ready to try something, you jump right in there with both feet."

Next hotel. Joey knocked on Lance's door.

Lance opened the door. He gave Joey a look that said, "Buddy, you got the wrong room."

"Hi," Joey said.

"I thought you'd be out," Lance said.

"I wanted to talk to you," Joey said, trying to make it sound like a friendly chat, not a dramatic scene.

"About what?" Lance asked.

Joey walked in, trying to get past Lance casually. Lance let him in. At least he wasn't being kicked out. He waited, and Lance closed the door. Lance was still pulling attitude, though. A lot of it. The tension in his shoulders, the set of his jaw. Joey would have admired the way Lance looked like that, if it weren't aimed at him. "I'm sorry. You can do whatever you want with AJ or anybody. That's none of my business."

"That's right," Lance said.

"That's why I'm apologizing," Joey said. "I just didn't want to see you put yourself back in the middle of that - - you're getting past that."

"That's up to me," Lance said. "Whatever I'm getting over, whatever I want to do, that's my business."

"I know! But do you think that I want to see you get hurt? By AJ or by anybody? I don't care if it's AJ or it's Dick off the street. I don't want anyone else to do that to you. If I can stop it, I will."

"And you'd do anything to save me from myself, even sacrifice your heterosexuality to lower yourself to fuck me."

"That is not what I meant. I meant I'd rather be with you myself than see you with someone who's going to treat you like shit, because I know I'd never do that."

Lance turned away from him.

Either he'd fucked up worse, or said something right. Joey waited. He could talk to women all day long, but in personal situations where sex wasn't his goal, he wasn't quite the master.

"You wouldn't," Lance said. "You wouldn't hurt me. If we were together, it would be good. And if we broke up, we'd still be friends."

"You're Lance," Joey said.

Lance turned back around. He was even smiling a little. "It's that easy for you."

"Yeah. I'm a real drama queen." He risked it, wrapping an arm around Lance's shoulders. "If you forgive me, I'll take you out with me tonight."

"Now, there's a treat," Lance said.

"You and me, hitting the town. Doesn't that sound good?"

"It does."

"Does that sound good?"

"It does."

"You coming out with me tonight?"

Lance gave him a smile. "As long as you don't cramp my style."

"I won't hold you back. You go out there and grab a good time. If I see any fun happening, I'll save you a seat."

*NSYNC was doing a soundcheck. Brian was backstage in a rare quiet corner, trying to sort through his lyrics, when his phone rang. "Hello?" He hoped that it was Nick. Or Drew.

"Rok. Do me a favor."

"Just tell me what you need."

"Next time you talk to Kevin, tell him you just talked to me and I sound happy, I'm busy doing healthy things, and other shit like that."

"Okay. I just heard from you and you're happy, you're healthy, you're busy leading a good life, so on and so forth."

"Right."

"Obviously this is all a lie, because you sound like shit, pardon my language."

"It's all true, except the happy and healthy parts."

"Do you want to tell me what's going on?"

"No."

"Give me a hint."

"I've fucked up my own life."

"I did that once," Brian said. "I did it to my own life, and I did it to someone else's life, too." He wanted AJ to learn from his experience. He didn't want AJ or anyone else to have to go through that kind of pain.

"Nick would have gotten over it."

Brian knew AJ knew better. "He never would have been the same. He still isn't the same."

"Maybe you were wrong for trying to go back and fix it. Maybe you should realize that you've destroyed that friendship, and walk away from it before you make it worse."

"I couldn't walk away from Nick forever."

"You and Nick are a special case. No one else has a relationship like that."

"That doesn't mean that other relationships are less important. AJ, are we talking about Lance or Kevin?"

"Does it matter?"

"Maybe not."

"You loved Nick, but you walked away, and he found someone else."

"I shouldn't have left him."

"But you did."

"But I went back."

"But you didn't have to. He found Drew. They were happy together. They didn't need you."

"I needed them. I don't know where I'd be today without them."

"You'd be fine. You'd have found a nice little girlfriend, and we all would have hated her guts, and life would go on."

"You would have hated her?"

"She wouldn't have been Nick, and you with anyone but Nick is wrong."

"You with anyone but him is wrong."

"Who's him?"

"That's what you need to discover."

"Brian?"

"What?"

"I already did. That's what has me so fucked up."

"You know who it is? You know who you love, that you want to be with above all others?"

"Yes. Yes, and I'm the stupidest motherfucker on the planet, I've hurt him so much-"

"AJ. Let me say, on behalf of everyone, it's about time! We've all been sitting back, watching, waiting for you to come to your senses! All the time you've wasted, all the hurt you've caused-"

"I know!"

"I'm so happy for you."

"Yeah. Thanks. You're so happy for me; I'm so fucked for me. I don't know what to do. Brian. Why did you let me screw everything up this much?"

"If I'd told you, if anyone had told you, what was meant to be, who you should be with and stay with, you wouldn't have listened."

"Listen. I'm going to lie low for a bit. I'll resurface in time for the Ship of Fools. When you talk to him, you put in a good word for me. I'll need it."

"I will. AJ. He'll take you back."

"God, I hope so."

Justin clapped his hands. "Break!" Chris, Joey, Lance, Brian, and Howie went to do his bidding. He went to find JC.

JC was in their room with the keyboard. Justin ran his hands over the keys. "Are you busy?"

JC wrote, scribbled, tried again, and then looked at him. "Do you want something, Justin?"

"Come with me. It'll be quick. You can come right back here."

"Where are we going?"

"You have to come with me to find out." Justin hauled JC to his feet. "Don't you trust me?"

"The trust between us just hasn't been the same since you dragged me out one night to get a tattoo on my ass," JC said.

"No tattoos this time. I promise." Justin pouted his lips.

"Okay," JC said. "I'll go with you anywhere you want, Justin."

"Good." Justin took JC's hand, and they left the room together. When they reached the elevator, Joey was there.

"What's up?" Joey asked. "How'd you get JC away from his daily masterpiece?"

"He wants to take me somewhere," JC said. The elevator arrived; Justin pulled JC in. "You coming?" JC asked Joey.

"I'm waiting for Lance," Joey said. "Go ahead."

"Okay." The elevator doors closed.

Justin waited a heartbeat, then reached over. JC probably thought that he was going to push the button for the lobby, but, oops! The elevator stopped.

JC put his free hand on the rounded gold guardrail. "Justin, what are you doing?"

"We're going to make love in the elevator."

"No, we're not."

"Yes, we are."

"No, we're not."

"There are no security cameras in here. One of the guys is on every floor, playing watchdog. We can make it quick." Justin tugged JC closer. "You don't even have to get in me." He shifted, and JC's gaze ran down over his body. "If you don't want to." Where their hands were linked, he tucked his thumb inside and stroked JC's palm.

"I want to, baby," JC said.

Justin leaned his shoulders back against the wall of the cab, hips forward.

"Justin," JC said. "Are you sure?"

Justin let go of JC's hand and pulled his shirt off over his head. "I'm sure."

"Oh, baby." JC was on him, kissing him, pushing him into the cold mirrored back wall, massaging over his hips and ass.

Justin couldn't believe that it had worked. It was happening. JC almost never mentioned having sexual fantasies. Well, not the kinds of sexual fantasies that regular people had, like scenarios. JC's sexual fantasies usually boiled down to wanting Justin's body. This time, JC had mentioned a place, a situation. And Justin had made it happen for him.

Right now, Justin wasn't turned on so much by having forbidden not-quite public sex. He was more turned on by knowing that they were acting out one of JC's fantasies. JC wanted him here, in this place, and JC was going to have him.

He still didn't know if JC was going to go ahead and fuck him, or just show him a good time until he came. He could always hope.

Justin's fingers crawled down over JC's abdomen, down to JC's erection. JC was hard, and Justin tugged at the zipper, wanting to hold JC bare in his hand. But JC guided his fingers away from the fly. Justin rubbed the bulge of JC's cock, then tried for the zipper again. Again, JC stopped him.

Damn it, he wanted-

Oh. Oh, oh, god. Justin realized JC's plan seconds before JC started to undo Justin's fly. This elevator scenario wasn't about mutual pleasure. It was about JC stroking Justin up until he became nothing more than a mass of hormones devoted to JC for life.

Justin dug his fingers into JC's back when JC palmed his balls. "JC, no. You..." He gasped, and JC kissed him again.

"What is it, baby?" JC asked when Justin's pants and underwear were down around his knees.

"JC, let me, both of us, please," and he moaned, letting his eyes close, when JC sucked on his collarbone. His thighs spread for JC's hand, and he felt the pressure of JC's thumb against his perineum.

"Do you want to touch me, Justin? Is that it? Tell me you want to touch me, baby."

"JC, please, let me touch you." He gripped the handrail, trying to lift himself from the floor, going crazy from JC's touch.

"You can touch me, baby, you can touch me anywhere you want," JC promised, kissing him. Justin fumbled with JC's fly, getting stuck and giving a frustrated howl. JC was busy kissing him and running an infuriating finger in a circle around and around his nipple without touching it. Justin ripped open JC's pants, pushing his hand down inside the front of JC's underwear. His fingers slid through JC's pubic hair, and JC finally touched his nipple, and electric relief struck him from that now-perfect spot down to his balls. It wasn't long before Justin was holding onto JC with one hand, clutching at the rail with the other hand, thrusting up against JC. JC had a hand on his ass, keeping him close, their hips in constant contact. He could feel the hot rod of JC's erection against his, generating heat and more heat. What made it even better, what made it even worse, was that JC still had on underwear, soft and warm and damp, thin cotton the only thing between them.

"Turn around, baby."

No, he didn't want to be taken from behind, he couldn't, it-

"Turn around, baby," JC said, hands guiding his hips. Justin turned, obeying JC, the guardrail in front of him now, JC behind him, the wall-

The mirrored wall. He could see himself. He looked down, away from his face, and he could see JC's hands coming forward over his hips.

When he couldn't look at JC when they made love, when he couldn't make that connection, it was too much for him. It was overwhelming, and he was anchorless, and he was lost to the physical side of their passion, lost in the sensations JC drove through his body.

There was a mirror. In front of him. That was why JC had wanted him to turn around.

He looked at himself. He looked like he'd already been through a hard fucking, like the aftermath of an orgy. Sweat, open mouth, chest moving with each breath, hands clutching at the cool railing. His legs were spread and-

-erotic pleasure spasmed in Justin's veins as JC's finger made a first, gentle probe. He'd been wanting it and aching for it and begging for it, in his mind and in his body, in his soul. And now, right now, JC's finger was sliding in and out, opening him. He put his hands up, pressing his palms to the mirror, trying to steady himself. "No, baby, don't come yet," JC said, low and intense. "Hold on for me, baby, just one more minute."

He'd try. He'd try, oh, god, he'd try. The way JC was touching him, the hint of what was to come... JC was going to make love to him. JC was going to be inside of him. He was going to get JC's cock, JC's beautiful perfect cock, JC...

"What is it you want, baby? What has you excited for me?" JC asked, and JC's touch was gone from there and Justin was empty, empty and wanting, empty and desperate to be filled with JC's love.

JC had stopped touching him altogether, and Justin was shockingly alone. He looked in the mirror and saw, saw JC moving.

JC was pushing down his underwear, baring his cock for Justin.

JC held him to prevent him from turning. "Stay there, Justin. Stay right there for me." JC stroked his back, his flanks. "How do you feel, baby?"

"I want you," Justin said, looking into the mirror to look into JC's eyes over his shoulder.

"What do you want from me, baby?"

"Make love to me, get in me, please, JC, please."

"I'll give you anything you want, baby. All you have to do is ask me."

Justin gasped, twisting, when he felt the heated length of JC's erection against his skin. JC held him still and he stared into the mirror, seeking JC's gaze, clutching the handrail. He could feel JC's cock at that perfect place, could feel it throbbing against him. He could feel it wanting to be inside of him. He knew that JC could feel him wanting it, too.

JC's hand ran down over Justin's chest. They both watched that path in the mirror. JC's hand slid back to Justin's ass, and then JC's touch was there to make sure that he was ready. He was ready, he was more than ready. Please, JC, please. It had to be now.

When the head of JC's cock popped in, Justin cried out from the too-intense thrill. JC eased into him and he was begging, clawing at the glass, barely aware of the tears running down his cheeks. JC's arm came around his waist and up his chest, bent at the elbow. He was held back against JC's chest, JC's arm a reassuring weight of security over his torso. He shook his head, reaching for the image in the mirror, when JC thrust deep, sparking every nerve ending Justin had. It was too much, and he came.

JC held still, supporting him, until he was calm again. He heard himself whispering, almost chanting, "JC, JC, JC," with each shaky breath. He held onto the handrail, leaning towards the wall, weak.

JC stroked his back. "Come on, baby. You can do it."

Justin turned around slowly, shuffling his feet, reaching for JC. Oh, god, his brain was fried. He tried to stay on his feet, wrapping an arm around JC's shoulders for support. He looked down. JC's pants were open and falling down; JC's shirt was twisted and pushed up on JC's chest; JC's cock was still hard.

Justin had come on himself, not the mirror, thank god.

JC leaned him back against the wall, helping to keep him up, and put Justin's pants back together. JC helped Justin back into his shirt, and teased his curls back into position with an experienced touch. "Are you ready, baby?"

"Oh, no, JC," Justin protested. He sounded weak. He felt kind of weak. Like he had no muscles anymore. "You... I want you, too."

"What do you want, baby?"

"You didn't come, you have to come."

"I'm saving this one, Justin."

"Saving it?"

"I'm saving it for your fantasy," JC said, stroking his side through his shirt. So soothing... "All you have to do is tell me, baby, and I'll make it happen for you."

It dawned on Justin what JC was saying. Oh, no. No, no, no.

"Come on, baby." JC kissed him, and JC's body was so close Justin could feel JC's erection again. He let go of the guardrail and put his hand on JC's fly.

JC put his hand back on the guardrail, kissed him, and knelt. God, no, JC - - but JC didn't do anything, only breathed. Oh. Justin moaned, a weak moan but a heartfelt one. JC was smelling him, smelling the sex on him.

What was JC doing? They'd just put his clothes back on, and JC was pushing up his shirt, opening his pants - - and licking him, licking his stomach, tugging down his underwear and licking his cock. JC was cleaning him, licking up sweat and cum. Justin watched, feeling his cock twitch at the attention. JC’s lips kissed at the head of it and Justin shivered, trying not to thrust. It was too soon and too good, but JC was doing it, licking at him, sucking on him, stroking his thighs, murmuring his name. Justin knew he was gripping the handrail too hard, and he hoped that it was bolted in well. JC was sucking him so gently it was driving him insane, too-light suction, getting him more and more excited but not enough to finish. The need for it had him crawling out of his own skin. Justin went up on his toes, trying to get away, but JC’s hands were on his hips, and JC’s lightest touch always anchored him. The noise, the sounds he was making, he was getting too loud, begging too hard, what if they could hear, what if - - oh, god, JC, JC, no, please, he was easing deeper inside JC’s mouth inch by inch, millimeter by millimeter down JC’s throat. Once he was in, JC’s eyes closed.

Justin couldn’t take it, not for another minute, not for another second. He couldn’t. It was too, too much and too little. He wanted to climb the wall to get away from the torture. His cock was hurting hard and his balls were aching tight and JC’s mouth was just right, just perfect. It had to stop, please, please let it stop. He didn’t want to come anymore, he just wanted to get away.

JC’s hands ran up Justin’s sides, under his shirt, and back down again.

Justin could hear himself begging.

JC backed off, hands on Justin’s hips, letting Justin’s erection free. Into the cool air, away from JC’s mouth, and Justin was so grateful he wanted to cry. His hand slipped off of the handrail and his knees were weak from the relief.

Thank God it was over.

Justin screamed, his whole body twisting, his head slamming back into the mirrored wall. He was in too fast and JC was sucking too hard and the sudden force of it wrenched his orgasm out of him, taking his sanity with it. JC held on, and Justin’s heel kicked back at the wall. He couldn’t ride this wave; he’d gone under and was being dragged, tumbling and lost, through the undertow.

Orgasms shouldn’t scare him, but sometimes, with JC, they did. They were too overwhelming. They were too powerful.

JC stood, stroking his body, kissing his mouth gently. He hardly had the strength to kiss JC back. “You’re shaking, baby,” JC said, trying to soothe him through touch. “Ssshhh, it’s all right, Justin, it’s over.”

Justin balled up his hand into a fist and bumped JC’s stomach with it. “Don’t ever do that to me again.” He sounded weak.

“I won’t, baby, I won’t.” JC was kissing him, caressing him, like seduction all over again. Justin was too spent to do anything but soak it up. It began to revive him, and soon he felt almost human again. That was when he realized that they were still in the elevator.

JC, who’d been stroking his back and kissing his neck, sucked at his collarbone. Justin felt his thighs spreading, inviting, all over again. Oh, god, no. But he couldn’t help it. He wanted JC. His body wanted JC. Now.

He tried to stop it. “JC.” His cock throbbed, distracting him, and leaving the elevator started to lose importance.

“Do you want to go, baby?” JC asked, and their eyes met.

Oh, thank god. At least one of them still had control. Justin had started to feel terrified that they’d be there for the rest of their lives. He didn’t have the strength on his own to stop his body’s need for JC. If JC didn’t stop the cycle, Justin would stay in it forever.

JC kissed him. Justin’s eyes closed as he wrapped his arms around JC, keeping JC close, holding on. JC’s kiss had him shivering and needy in seconds.

JC knelt, and the sanity in the back of Justin’s brain was horrified by Justin’s eager greed. There couldn’t possibly be any more, but Justin’s body was starting to hope and beg that there would be.

JC was stronger than Justin was, and put Justin's clothes back together with a final lick to his navel.

Justin felt weak. It was over. He sagged against the mirrored wall. He was exhausted. He was hurting. He wanted to go to bed. He hoped that JC remembered the way.

JC stood and pushed the button for the next floor. When the cab moved, the sudden motion made Justin dizzy. Then JC was taking his hand and walking him into the hallway. Lance was the elevator guard for this floor, and Justin tried to smile in passing.

Later, he'd remember the envy and desire in Lance's eyes.

Drew was trying to get dressed. To keep Nick from trying to help him, which he was sure would hinder the process more than help it, he asked Nick to find something in his bag.

It was a lot easier to get dressed when Nick was focused on something else and not staring at his body.

Nick was crouched on the floor, searching. "CD player, headphones, CD's, water, orange, deck of cards, comb, a letter from Brian! When did Brian write to you?"

Drew zipped up and prodded Nick's thigh with his shoe. "Keep looking."

"Keeping secrets from me, you know that's a sign of a failing relationship."

Drew leaned over Nick from behind and kissed the top of Nick's head. "We have a great relationship. Keep looking." He found his shirt.

"T-shirt, sunglasses... What's this?"

"What's what?" Drew pulled his shirt down and looked over Nick's shoulder. As soon as he recognized what it was, he grabbed it from Nick's hand.

"Hey." Nick looked over his shoulder. "What?"

"You were getting fingerprints on it."

"It's in plastic."

"You were getting fingerprints on the plastic."

Nick stood. "Drew, what am I missing? It's a picture of us. It's all three of us, which is cool, I-"

"It's the only picture of us I have," Drew said. "There are a few blurry magazine photos, but this is the only real photograph. Justin got it for me in return for an interview with TeenScene."

"That was nice of him," Nick said gently, probably not wanting to frighten the psycho.

"It's the only picture I have of us," Drew said again.

"Okay," Nick said. "We don't even have pictures of the wedding?"

"We didn't want any professional photographers there, in case they'd sell copies to the press."

"We're kind of stupid," Nick said.

Knock on the door.

"We're on our way," Nick called. He picked up Drew's bag, offering it.

Drew put the photograph back inside, tucking it away safely. "I just don't want anything to happen to it," he said, not looking up to meet Nick's eyes.

"Nothing will happen to it," Nick said, and squeezed his hand. "Come on. Your eager public awaits."

Brian answered with a smile. "Hel-lo."

"Hi. Have you heard from AJ?"

He knew the script for this one. And...showtime. "I just talked to him," Brian said.

"You did?"

"Sure did. He sounded good. Why?"

"I haven't been able to reach him."

"Try again."

"When you talked to him, did he say where he was?"

"I assumed he was at home."

"I've been over there, and he's never home."

"This sounds serious. How long has he been missing?"

"Brian, I am serious. I'm worried about him. He hasn't been himself."

"Kevin. He's fine. He may be a little weird right now. He's figuring things out."

"Figuring things out?"

"What he wants. Who he wants to be."

"Who he wants to be with."

"I didn't say that."

"You didn't have to. He's made his decision, hasn't he? He had three choices, Brian. Lance, me, or someone else. You don't have to tell me what he chose. AJ's wanted a lot of things in his life, and I was never one of them." Kevin hung up.

Joey walked past. "Is JC working you too hard? You look like shit."

Drew was used to being onstage. He was even used to the extra screams and excited crowd when he approached one side of the stage or another, as the fans responded to his attention and acknowledgement. They liked him, they thought he was cute, they wanted to do his brother, whatever.

But with Nick watching, Nick essentially a part of the audience... Nick was there, and he could feel Nick's presence.

Drew wasn't aware only of his singing anymore, only of his performance. He was aware of himself as a man. The way he walked, the way he moved. He was a man, and Nick saw him as a man, and Nick responded to him as a man. Nick was out there now, watching, every night.

It was exciting.

He liked it. He wanted Nick to look at him in that light.

Drew had learned long ago not to get hard onstage. He just didn't do it.

His brother did. Not as often anymore, but sometimes.

They were supposed to have a special live interview after the concert, so they were staying in the venue. When the show ended, they hit the dressing room to wait for the fans to clear out.

When Nick walked into the room, Jeff was in a chair in the corner, Drew was trying to find a towel to wipe off his sweat, Justin was on the phone, and Nick was pacing.

Nick wiped sweat from Drew's temple, then sucked it off his thumb. "Can I take you somewhere and blow you?"

"Not now," Drew said, trying to be subtle about backing up.

"Then can I do it here?"

"No. Go talk to Nick."

"Why?"

"Because you're making me excited and there's an interview in a few minutes."

Nick grinned.

"Go," Drew insisted, pushing him away.

"You're sexy," Nick said, and managed to kiss him before being shoved out of range. Nick wandered over towards the other Nick. “Hey.”

“Hi.”

“Stop pacing.”

Nick stopped pacing, but he shifted his weight from foot to foot.

“The interview’s not for another forty-five minutes.”

“Yeah.”

“You have time to go to the bathroom or something.”

“Yeah. What?”

Nick looked like he was trying not to roll his eyes. “In case you want to be alone.”

“For what?”

“To take care of your post-show, stage-adrenaline hard-on. AJ can tell you that you can’t walk it off. You have to fuck it out or live with it.”

“Carter-”

“It’s not bothering me, but since you have time to take care of it, you might as well go ahead.”

“If it’s not bothering you, shut up about it.”

“You’re cute when you’re sexually frustrated.”

“I am not sexually frustrated!”

Justin chuckled.

Nick grinned.

Nick glared. “Go bother Drew.”

Nick went back to Drew. “Hi.”

“Leave him alone,” Drew said.

“You told me to talk to him.”

“I didn’t mean about sex.”

“He’s not getting any, is he?”

“What?”

“It would explain how restless he’s been, and why there’s about ten yards of emotional space between them.”

Drew assumed that “them” meant Nick and Jeff. “I think that their sex life has been sporadic. But that’s none of our business.”

“He’s your big brother and he’s unhappy.”

“It’s between them.”

“Okay.”

“Stay out of it.”

“I will.” Nick kissed him. “This means that you officially have the best sex life in this group.”

“That’s a given,” Drew said.

“Hey.”

Nick was looking at something over Drew’s head. He hated that. He turned and watched his brother sneaking out of the room. Nick nudged him and he saw that Jeff was looking at the door. A few seconds ticked by. Jeff got up and followed Nick.

Drew turned around again and poked Nick in the chest. “That does not give you permission to interfere in the future.”

“Of course not,” Nick said. “I never interfere in other people’s personal lives.”

Nick put a handful of cold water to the back of his neck. He shivered, cursing. But it didn’t relieve his hard-on.

Jeff came into the bathroom and propped himself against the wall.

“Hey,” Nick said, trying to suppress the sexual fantasies that had just flashed through his brain. Still, the idea of Jeff pinning him back against that wall, his hands pulling off Jeff’s clothes...

Jeff crossed his arms over his chest. He was wearing his “I’m up here” expression.

If Jeff didn’t want to be checked out, he shouldn’t have that body. Besides, Nick had every right to look.

“I’m not here for sex,” Jeff said.

“I know,” Nick said, trying to cover his vast disappointment.

“I’m glad that you and Nick are friends. I want you to be.”

Of course. He knew that.

“Don’t talk about sex with him.”

“What?”

“I don’t want you to talk about sex with him. You and Nick standing around talking about the state of your dick is not-”

“Are you jealous?” Nick asked.

“No, I-”

“Jeff, it’s Nick. It’d be strange if he didn’t talk about sex.”

“Talk to him about other things.”

“Like what? It’s all he talks about, and it’s all I think about. Maybe I’d have something else on my mind if I had some.”

“If you had some?”

“And now you’re jealous that I’m talking to Nick? Maybe you should be. I could get more action out of him during one five-minute conversation that I’ve gotten from you all month.”

“Nick-”

“I am tired of having to fight and pray and beg for every touch from you! I hate it! I hate this!”

“Why should I have to put out every two hours just because you’re dependent on sex?”

“I am not dependent on sex! I have a normal, healthy sex drive. Why should I suffer because you don’t?”

“I don’t?”

“There is nothing normal about anything about you and sex,” Nick said. “There’s nothing normal about your dick and there’s nothing normal about how you don’t use it.”

“I’d use it more often if I wanted you more.”

“You don’t want me?”

“Is there a reason I should?”

“No. That’s fair. It makes us even. I don’t want you, either. I’m glad we’re not fucking anymore. It saves me from having to deal with your dick.” Nick slammed out of the bathroom.

“Shit. Nick!” He ran out of the bathroom, but Nick was gone and didn’t return until it was time for the interview.

Lance and Joey got back to the hotel. Joey got Lance's door open for him.

Lance followed Joey into the room and sat heavily on the bed.

"Did you have a good time?" Joey asked.

"I had...a good time," Lance confirmed.

"How many fingers am I holding up?"

"You have ten fingers."

"How many fingers am I holding up?"

"One...two...three...four...five..."

"Should've stopped back at two," Joey advised.

"Six...seven...eight...nine...ten..."

Joey knelt down and took off Lance's shoes and socks.

"Eleven...twelve...thirteen...fourteen...fifteen..."

He stood again and reached for the hem of Lance's shirt. When the shirt came off over Lance's head, Lance flopped onto his back, counting towards the ceiling.

"Sixteen...seventeen...eighteen...nineteen...twenty..."

Unbutton, unzip, tug, pull.

"Twenty-one...twenty-two...twenty-three...twenty-four...twenty-five..."

Lance had nice thighs. Thick. Muscular, from their years of dancing. Soft, dark blond hair. Joey put his hands on the sides of Lance's thighs, running his palms up and down, up and down.

"Twenty-six...twenty-seven...twenty-eight...twenty-nine...thirty..."

Well, he shouldn't leave Lance here dangling off the edge of the bed like this. Joey walked around and reached under Lance's armpits, dragging Lance up the bed. When he let go, he lifted Lance's arm a little, to see where he'd just had his hands. Lance had armpit hair. Joey had been with a few women who did, but... He stroked it gently, not wanting to tickle.

"Thirty-one...thirty-two...thirty-three...thirty-four...thirty-five..."

Lance's eyes closed. He had a nice body. More solid than JC or Justin. There was a slight tent in his shorts.

"Thirty-six...thirty-seven..."

Silence, except for Lance's breathing. Joey left, closing the door softly.

Chris and Howie were sitting in the corner, talking.

"Look," Justin said. "They're not even touching. Now watch this. Chris! Come here for a minute!"

Chris got up and came over to them.

Joey watched as Howie sat back. He was going to have to start taking notes. He didn't understand that casual seduction that seeped from Howie's pores like animal attraction seeped from AJ's. Maybe they were related to JC.

Chris was with them now. Joey coughed and checked. Yep. Justin was right.

"Aren't you a little old to be sporting a boner all day every day?" Justin asked Chris.

"No," Chris said. "I'm not an octogenarian. And it's not all day."

"Yeah, just when Howie's within a mile of you," Justin said. "I don't get it. He's not JC."

"Shut up," Chris said, and went back to Howie.

"Howie kills brain cells," Joey decided.

"Looks like it," Justin said.

"Hello?"

"Tell me you're having a good day."

"I'm having a good day."

"Tell me you're smiling and happy."

"I'm smiling and happy."

"Tell me you're a friendly pixie."

"I'm a friendly pixie."

"A lot of shit's going down here. Drew and I want to handle it ourselves. I can't run to you for protection every time, and Drew wants to learn to deal with life and with me at the same time, without, what did he call it, relying on you to take care of me. So we're going to take this one ourselves."

"What's been happening?"

"Stupid people acting like idiots. We're taking care of it. Unfortunately, we're going to have to stop communication for a while. Just until we get everything under control."

"Stop communication?"

"You'll be fine."

"I'll miss you."

"You're allowed to miss me. And you're allowed to miss Drew. But you can't worry about us. We're fine. You should worry about the other Nick. We're going to whip him into shape."

"I love you."

"I miss you a little."

"I miss you a lot."

"I love you. Talk to Drew." Nick gave Drew the phone and stretched out on his back with his head in Drew's lap. Drew loved him. Brian loved him. He could live with that truth and keep it as fact. He didn't need to check in with Brian twice a day to have it reaffirmed. He could accept it, know it, and live it. He was strong. He could conquer a dozen in-laws if he needed to.

JC switched off the lamp and settled in, holding Justin against himself, pulling the covers up to keep Justin warm.

Justin yawned against JC's shoulder.

JC rubbed his back. "Good night, Justin."

"Good night, JC." Justin sounded sleepy.

"Will you tell me something, baby?"

"Sure."

"What's your favorite sexual fantasy?"

Silence.

"Baby?" He knew Justin was awake.

"I don't have one."

"I know you do."

"I don't."

"The elevator was your gift to me. I want to give you your fantasy."

"These days, all I fantasize about is you making love to me."

“That isn't your only fantasy, Justin. What do you really want?" Justin didn't say anything. "Baby, you know that you can tell me anything." He slid down a few inches to be eye-to-eye in the dark room. "You can tell me anything. I'll give you anything you want. You know that you can trust me."

"It's a fantasy. It isn't meant to be real."

"I can make it real."

"It's embarrassing, JC."

"Nothing you could ever want will embarrass me."

"Okay. I want a three-way with Joey."

He could be patient. "No, you don't."

"I want to dress up in women's clothing."

"No, you don't." He'd wait until Justin went through enough ridiculous options that the fantasy would be vocalized more easily.

"I want you to fist me."

That one may have crossed Justin's mind at some point, but...no.

"I want one night with Lance."

Possibly Lance's fantasy, but not Justin's.

"I want you to whip me."

Justin knew how he felt about that idea.

"I want to watch you screw women."

Justin knew he'd never be with anyone else.

"I want to act out the 'You had me at hello' scene from Jerry Maguire."

That was just strange.

"I want to play the number-one-fan groupie to your Rock Star JC."

A thrill hit JC from nape to toes.

"Now can I go to sleep?"

JC kissed Justin. "Yes, baby. Thank you for telling me."

Justin grumbled something.

JC smiled. "I love you, Justin."

Nick was avoiding Jeff like the plague and steering clear of Nick Carter.

Jeff was keeping to himself.

They had, technically, separate bunks on the bus, and they’d been making use of those for the first time in a while. But they had to share hotel rooms.

In their last hotel, Jeff had slept on the couch. Nick had let him.

Today, Jeff only waited for the lock to click into place before he walked up to Nick and put his hand to Nick’s chest. “I’m sorry.”

“Why do you always apologize when you’ve never done anything wrong?”

“When things are this bad between us, it has to be at least half my fault,” Jeff said.

“I don’t want you to apologize. I’d feel better if you broke my arm.”

“I’m not going to break your arm.”

“I’d deserve it. God, Jeff, I’m so sorry.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Why did you let me say those things to you?”

“Why did you let me act like an asshole?”

“Because it was nice to see someone else acting like an asshole besides me,” Nick said.

“You’re Nick’s friend. Talk about anything that you want.”

“I knew you didn’t mean that.”

“I didn’t mean anything that I said.”

“None of it?”

“None of it. What could I have meant? I even meant it when I said that I wasn’t jealous. I’m not jealous.”

“I know you’re not jealous. I just...”

“What?”

“You said that you didn’t want me. Well, it would make sense if you didn’t. It would explain what’s been not happening in our bed.”

“I want you,” Jeff said. “I want you as much as I always have. I want you more than I ever have. You know how I feel about you.”

“I know you want me, I thought I knew. But you barely kiss me anymore.”

Words weren’t good enough. Nick believed most in action. Jeff kissed him.

Nick’s mouth was rich and wet. Jeff loved the lush lips, the broad tongue, the wide shape. Nick’s mouth was a full luxury item, fully equipped and specially made for every erotic advantage.

Jeff had to pry himself away, or he would’ve stayed there forever. “We have to talk.”

“About what?” Nick asked, taking off his shoes and socks.

“About sex between us.”

Nick pulled off his shirt. “What about it?”

“How good is it for you? I need to know how much of what's in my head is true, and how much is shit I need to get over. I don't know anymore, and I can't let it keep me away from you anymore. I have to figure it out and get over it, and I need your help to do it.” Jeff refused to be distracted by the sight of Nick’s naked torso. Even when Nick moved and the muscles rippled.

Nick put his hand on Jeff’s arm, standing close, looking serious. Looking more and more hurt.

Jeff needed to find out where Nick’s mind was going, so he could stop it. “What’s wrong?”

“I didn’t mean what I said,” Nick said. “I said it to hurt you. I’m sorry, god, Jeff, I’m sorry. I was lying, I’ve never-”

“It isn’t easy for you,” Jeff said. That was true, and they had to be honest or he'd never figure out what was real and what was bullshit he'd trained himself to believe.

“I don’t care about that,” Nick said. “I love it, and I love what it does to me. I love that it can do that to me.”

“That it can hurt you?”

“No! That it can...make everything so intense. Everything’s more powerful.”

“We’ve talked about it. You don’t ever have to deep-throat me. You don’t ever have to let me inside you. Ever.”

“I want to,” Nick said. “I love it. I want it every day. I want it now.”

“You shouldn’t.”

“Don’t tell me what I shouldn’t want. This is my body. I can make those decisions myself. I don’t ask you for sex out of guilt, or to reassure you. I do it because I want it. I know you don’t want it and I do it anyway, because I want it.”

“You’re stubborn.”

“I’m sorry. I hate that I put that between us.”

“It’s been between us.”

“But now you’ve heard it from me, and you shouldn’t have to hear that from me.”

“We have to finish this, one way or the other. Nick’s here, and we should be taking care of that.”

“Promise me that you’ll do me every day for the next eighty years, and we’ll move on to patching things up with Nick.”

Jeff ran his fingers down Nick’s bared chest. “I can’t promise you that.”

“What can you promise?”

“That we’ll make love like the oversexed pop stars that we are. I can promise you that you will know, every day, exactly how much I want you. And how much I love you.”

Nick kissed him, drawing him against Nick’s hard body. It had been too long since they’d shared this with each other. Jeff let Nick strip him, finding it difficult to stop exploring Nick’s body long enough to undress himself.

Jeff ran his hands over Nick’s back, feeling the hardness, the shift of muscle. He loved having Nick in his arms. He loved the way Nick felt. The first time he’d experienced the erotic press of Nick’s body to his, he’d felt a sense of rightness that no one else gave him.

While *NSYNC got prepped for a TV appearance, Brian and Howie were on the couch, talking.

Joey wondered what they were talking about. What did Backstreet Boys talk about amongst themselves? It couldn't be real-life, everyday stuff. He couldn't imagine them having the mundane conversations he had with the rest of *NSYNC.

Probably they were just sitting over there stroking each other's egos.

At least they weren't stroking each other's dicks.

Joey couldn't see Brian cheating, though. Not Brian. Not even with another Backstreet Boy. He couldn't necessarily see Nick cheating, either. The rest of them...

He still didn't trust Howie. That would take time.

He'd never trust AJ. Not as far as he could throw him.

He'd love to throw AJ. Pitch him out a window or off a cliff.

When Joey walked by again, Brian and Howie were asleep. Kind of on each other.

That was familiar. Falling asleep in odd places, at odd times. Falling asleep with JC's bony shoulder for a pillow; falling asleep near Chris for body heat.

Maybe the Backstreet Boys and *NSYNC did have some things in common, after all.

Nick followed Drew onto the bus. He was going to go right into the bunk and pass out. He stretched, bringing his arms up over his head and then down behind his back, rising up onto his toes. God. Why was he on tour, someone else's tour, when he could be at home in bed?

And why was everyone staring at him? He looked right back at Nick, almost a challenge.

"Nick's double-jointed," Drew said.

"Oh," Justin said. The other Nick was still staring.

Nick rolled his eyes and got into Drew's bunk. Amateurs.

JC and Brian were working. Pens, pencils, paper, JC's keyboard, Brian's guitar. Writing, conferring, singing.

Justin was right beside them, watching and listening. Like a silent pupil. They were used to his presence. He'd show up sometimes, wherever they were, and do nothing but pay attention. When they couldn't agree on a point between themselves, they'd ask for his opinion. But he wasn't there to interfere. He was there to watch.

What was he watching? He knew the creative process and the collaborative process. He had other things to do. JC couldn't be that fascinating.

Was he there to see Brian? For what?

It made no sense.

But he wasn't bothering anyone.

So... He stayed.

Joey plopped down beside Lance. They were the only two people on the bus who weren't curled up somewhere dead asleep.

Lance looked at him. "Where'd you get that?"

Joey ate a forkful. "It was in the fridge."

Lance kept looking. "It looks good."

"It is."

"Give me some."

"Get your own." Joey ate more. "Except you can't."

"What?"

"There isn't any more."

"You took it all?"

"Yep. It's good, too."

"Where'd it come from?"

"I think Brian picked it up somewhere."

"I can't believe you can't share some with me."

"You should've gotten some yourself before I got there."

"I didn't know we had any!"

"Then you need to learn to look. Dig through that fridge, man." Joey reached over and picked up his drink.

"Where'd you get that?!"

"It, too, was sitting right there in the refrigerator. It, too, is the last of its kind. And no, you can't have any."

"Joey!"

"I am a selfish bastard," Joey said.

"You really are."

"You want some?"

"Yeah, but since there isn't any more of it, and you're eating all we have-"

Joey fed him some.

Lance licked his lips. "That's good."

Joey fed him some more. "Now get your greedy eyeballs off my plate."

Nick couldn't get that song out of his head. He hummed it. He tried to ignore it. He hummed it some more. He did the "ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh" part.

The other Nick sang, softly, "You never ever worry, and you never shed a tear."

Nick picked up the next line. "You're saying that my love ain't real."

Together, they continued, "Just look at my face these tears I'm crying."

Drew looked out of his bunk. They were singing together. Nick and Nick, his lover and his brother, singing together. Right in each other's faces.

He wished he had a videocamera.

JC found Lance. "Have you heard from AJ?"

That was the last question Lance had expected, and the last question he wanted to hear. "No."

His tone must have been a little too sharp, even more than he'd intended, because JC was quick to explain. "I didn't mean anything. When I talked to Nick, it turns out he wants to talk to AJ but nobody knows where he is."

Nobody knew where AJ was?

"I was hoping maybe you'd heard from him. No one else has. Brian isn't worried at all, so we're thinking maybe he knows what's going on."

JC was gone a minute later. When Joey showed up, Lance said, "How do I look?"

"Sexy," Joey said. "Why?"

"I don't look devastated or worried or in distress?"

"Nope. Just sexy."

"Joey, I think I'm getting over AJ."

Joey's celebrational cheer was louder than an *NSYNC concert. He hugged Lance, kissing both cheeks, then ran around shouting. Slightly calmer, he came back and gave Lance a good, long squeeze. "This is the proudest, happiest moment of my life."

"I still have feelings, good ones and bad ones. But I don't want to go back to him. That's the past."

"Far past, long gone, way back there," Joey said. "Let's go find you a new boyfriend."

"Joey, I don't want a new boyfriend."

"Yes, you do. It'll be good for you."

"I'll find one eventually. Naturally. I don't want to go looking for one."

"That's okay. I can look for one on your behalf."

Kevin only called AJ's house once a day now.

No one ever answered.

AJ was gone. Towards Lance? Away from him. Away from his love. A love AJ never had wanted. AJ had lived under the burden of his unspoken love for too long. It was something that AJ never had asked for but had borne gracefully.

AJ had only ever wanted his friendship. But he hadn't been able to stop there. He'd tried; he'd pretended. But AJ had known.

The one time that he had shown his love, when AJ had come to him in Kendig, hadn't been about him at all. AJ never had intended to return his love. AJ hadn't even pretended, to soothe his feelings. Kendig had been about hurting Lance, about testing Lance's limits, about doing the worst possible thing at the worst possible time. AJ had been putting on a show for Lance, for Lance's friends, to see how far Lance could be pushed, to see if Lance's love had a breaking point.

AJ hadn't left Lance to be alone, or to pick up girls, or anything mildly acceptable. AJ had left Lance and hopped straight into Kevin's bed, when he and Lance had been fighting, among other things, about AJ having slept with Howie.

AJ had used Kevin.

Kevin had used AJ, too. Stolen that one twisted chance, and taken from it everything that he could. He'd loved AJ, made love to AJ, and fooled himself that maybe...maybe...

A door had slammed in his face.

AJ didn't want his love.

He would never be anything but AJ's friend.

He was going to spend the rest of his life watching AJ with someone else.

He could keep his pain inside. He could go a step farther and cut himself off from the pain, deny that he felt it. He was used to doing that. He'd been doing it for years.

He didn't want to do it anymore.

But he didn't have a choice.

He couldn't make AJ love him. He couldn't make AJ want to be loved by him. He couldn't make his love an acceptable thing, much less a desirable one.

Kevin didn't know why AJ didn't love him. He had theories, but no real knowledge. Maybe if he knew, he could change.

It was too late for that now.

AJ was gone.

Jeff kissed Nick’s upper arm.

“You have to talk to Nick today.”

“No, I don’t,” Jeff said, and shifted his attention to Nick’s shoulder.

“At least talk to Drew.”

“No. I love the way you taste.”

“At least don’t stay in the bunk all day. Get out. Stop hiding.”

“I’m not hiding.” He let his teeth graze Nick’s neck.

“Don’t bite me. You’re hiding.”

“I’m not hiding. I’m giving Nick space.” The ears. Perfect.

“Jeff, stop it.”

He stopped with the tongue, but he didn’t move away. He kept his eyes trained on one perfect, soft earlobe. “Why?”

“You’re turning me on.”

Jeff smiled. “Since when is that a bad thing?”

“Shut up. You know what I mean. We have to get on the bus in ten minutes and I want to talk to you.”

Jeff relented, sitting back. “I’m giving Nick a chance to hang out with you and spend time with Drew. When he’s ready, he’ll make overtures. They’re probably be through you, so be careful.”

“Why are we waiting for him to make the first move? Wouldn’t it show him that we care, if we went to him?”

Jeff thought about that idea. “Maybe. He already knows that you care.”

“He’s never going to bring you up. Am I allowed to bring you up, or do you not want that?”

“I don’t want that,” Jeff said. “Not yet.”

“He won’t even say your name.”

“I know.”

Nick kissed Jeff. “He loved you. He felt safe with you. That isn’t all gone.”

Jeff received another kiss, opening his eyes. “When Nick is hurt, when his love is rejected, he doesn’t recover easily.”

“He trusts Brian.”

“I’m not Brian.

Drew was not used to sharing his bunk. Nick took up a lot of room.

He wasn’t used to being with Nick for such a long period of time without Brian, either.

And right now, he could use Brian’s help. Brian could read Nick’s mood in the flicker of an eyebrow. Brian knew how to treat Nick in every situation. Drew still wasn’t dead on-target every time.

Drew got out of the bunk and visited the fridge, just for something to do. Nick had been quiet all morning. Not angry and brooding, not miserable and ready to cry. Just, quiet. Usually, when something bothered Nick, Drew heard about it sooner or later. So far, Nick hadn’t said a thing. Drew had even asked, and Nick had given him an almost-real smile.

Almost real.

Not real, but almost.

That hurt.

Drew fiddled with a fork. He wished that Brian were here, but they’d sworn to get through this on their own. He was Nick’s lover. He should be able to help Nick by himself.

After all, Brian hadn’t been born with perfect understanding of Nick. Brian had come to that knowledge through time and experience. Drew would do the same.

Being with Nick almost made Drew miss Brian more. It wasn’t right, being with one of them and not both.

Wait. Something had flickered in a corner of Drew’s brain. He concentrated, backing up. Helping Nick, missing Brian, learning Nick, missing Brian...

Missing Brian.

What if Nick missed Brian? Why wouldn’t Nick miss Brian? They were Backstreet Boys. They toured together. When they weren’t touring together, they were living together. They were lovers. They’d been together for so long in so many ways that... When was the last time Nick had been separated from Brian like this? Even when they’d broken up, they’d still seen each other constantly.

Drew wasn’t a replacement for Brian, and never had been.

"I had to leave one angel to visit the other," Nick said.

Drew walked back down the aisle. Standing by his bunk, he pulled aside the curtain and watched Nick sleep.

Joey was messing with JC, poking at him, picking him up, making him laugh.

Justin stopped what he was doing to watch. He loved watching the guys play, and he loved seeing JC having fun.

Justin realized that Brian was looking at something, too. He followed Brian’s line of sight, and saw Lance.

Lance was staring at JC and Joey. Staring like he was trying to memorize. Staring like...not the way JC watched Justin, because nobody watched like JC, but with a similar attitude. Forbidden love mixed with awe and a yearning for closeness. Like Lance was standing behind invisible bars that kept him back. Like he knew he wanted something he couldn’t have.

Justin felt kind of bad about that. Lance couldn’t have JC, and everybody knew it, but he didn’t want Lance to feel any pain over it.

Lance had put himself in that position. Justin didn’t know how to make it any easier, except to be cool and let Lance get over it. He wasn’t going to treat Lance any differently, either with resentment or with pity. And JC wasn’t changing a thing, just playing it with typical JC obliviousness.

Lance would get over his JC crush faster if he started dating, but he wasn’t taking that track. He was going out a lot with Joey, though, and if anybody could hook Lance up with someone hot enough to get his mind off JC, it was Joey.

Sometimes Justin wondered where Joey found those girls.

Jeff watched Nick and Justin talk and laugh. He was watching Nick more than he was watching Justin, but he didn't think Justin would mind.

Maybe he'd been looking at everything from the wrong perspective. He'd been thinking that he couldn't trust himself, that he couldn't trust his body. He'd learned great self-control, self-denial, and self-loathing, all because he was worried about trusting himself. But it didn't have to be about that. Maybe it was about trusting Nick.

He trusted Nick. He trusted Nick to be honest with him.

Nick could lie to himself, yeah, but Nick couldn't lie to Jeff. It never worked.

Nick loved him. Nick enjoyed his body. That kind of enthusiasm could not be faked.

Maybe sex with him, due to his power and size, was intense, as Nick had said. But maybe that was what Nick liked. Sexual, sinfully sensuous Nick Lachey had not been designed for boring sex. Nick liked being fisted, for Christ's sake. Maybe the two of them really had been made for each other.

Step one didn't have to be Jeff liking himself. Step one was Jeff trusting Nick. Nick loved him and liked his body. Nick liked having sex with him. Nick liked his big dick. He liked that Nick liked it. He liked that it could give Nick sexual pleasure. If he could trust Nick, then he could trust Nick's responses in bed, and he could trust Nick's enjoyment of their sex life. If he could trust that Nick's pleasure was real, and he liked being able to give Nick pleasure, then one day, in time, he might actually like Cockzilla.

All he had to do was trust Nick.

"I used to look at you all of the time. You had the most incredible body. It was amazing. At first I thought that I was just looking because I was envious, because I wanted to look like that. But that's not it. I was just...I was admiring something I wanted. I wanted you. You were beautiful. You always have been. You had this casual confidence that awed me. I wanted to be like that."

"You are like that."

"I learned it from you."

Nick walked over and poked Jeff in the shoulder. "What are you staring at?"

Jeff decided not to say, "Your ass." Instead, he said, "Nick always used to ask me if I like being married to you."

"What'd you tell him?" Nick asked.

"I told him I'm very happy being married to you. But he kept asking."

"He didn't believe you," Nick said.

"He did believe me," Jeff said. "I think that's why he kept asking. He knew how much I love you, and how grateful I am to have this opportunity to be with you. It fascinated him."

"You love me so much it's fascinating?" Nick asked. "A lot of people are in love and married."

"A lot of people aren't as in love with their partners as I'm in love with you."

Nick's ears turned red.

Jeff smirked.

"Shut up. And stop talking about Nick in the past tense. We're going to take care of this mess, and someday, Nick will be right back asking you why you ever married an idiot like me."

"I did it because I felt sorry for you."

"You married me because you felt sorry for me?" Nick asked.

"Yeah. You were so obsessed with me, it was kind of pathetic. I-"

"Kind of pathetic?! I was not obsessed with you!"

"You got turned on when I sang. As a matter of fact, you still do. You stared at me all of the time. As a matter of fact, you still do."

"As a matter of fact," Nick said, "you stare at me all of the time. As a matter of fact, I only proposed to put you out of your misery."

"Misery? When was I miserable?"

"You know when I was miserable?" Justin asked, breaking in.

Jeff grinned. "When?"

"When this tour was quiet. It's good to hear it start to get noisy around here again. The sweet, melodic sound of the two of you picking fights with each other, it's music to my ears."

"I don't pick fights," Nick said. "Jeff picks fights."

"Me? Pick fights? I'm the most easy-going guy around here," Jeff said.

"No, that would be me," Justin said. "Sorry to interrupt. As you were."

"Thanks," Jeff said. He glared at Nick. "When was I miserable?"

"When you weren't married to me."

Jeff closed his mouth. He didn't have a good comeback for that one. "I wasn't miserable," he finally said, muttering it, looking away. He hadn't been miserable. Not technically. Maybe relatively. He'd thought that he was happy, but now that he was with Nick, he knew what it really meant to be happy. Damn it. He met Nick's eyes. "You win."

Nick kissed him and left to gloat.

“Missing, my ass,” Chris said. “Missing a good million dozen brain cells. Missing a conscience. Missing a soul. ‘Dang, where’d I put that thing? It was here a second ago. Guess Satan took it when we made that pact.’”

“Nobody knows where he is?” Joey asked.

“Brian knows, but Brian can keep a secret like JC can hold a note. It’s a bunch of bullshit anyway. Does AJ have a handbook on how to create drama? Is there some Backstreet Boys guide for screwing up your own life and making other people put it back together? He cheats on Lance, gets Lance back, breaks up, screws Kevin, and then pulls a disappearing act like that’ll make a difference. What makes him think he’s so great Lance would even think about taking him back? Why would Lance want him back? Why would anybody want him in the first place? That’s the question. That is the question. Why would anyone want AJ in the first place? ‘I’m AJ, I’m sexy, I’m a Backstreet Boy, I’m AJ,’” Chris said. “How can people fall for that?”

“I don’t know,” Joey said. “Ask the Backstreet Boy behind you.”

Without turning, Chris put his hand back. There was someone back there. Judging by the kiss on his fingers, it was Howie. “Hi.”

“I’m Howie, I’m sexy, I’m a Backstreet Boy, I’m Howie,” Howie said.

Joey laughed. Chris was still trying not to be mortified.

“AJ isn’t pulling a stunt to get Lance’s attention,” Howie said. “He’s taking time for himself, to get ready.”

“Get ready for what?” Chris asked. “World domination? Hair implants?”

“To get what he wants,” Howie said.

“What does he want?” Joey asked.

“We’ll have to wait and see,” Howie said.

“Wait,” Chris said. “Rewind thirty seconds.” Howie was still holding his hand, stroking his fingers. “He’s taking time off to get ready to get what he wants? Are you trying to tell me that he’s going to get what he wants?”

“Yes,” Howie said.

“Why?! Why does he deserve to get what he wants? How is that fair? How is that possible? What is so special about this man that he can get what he wants when he wants it?”

Howie leaned in and whispered, in Chris’s ear, “He’s a Backstreet Boy.”

Drew turned the corner, and big brother Nick pulled him aside to relative privacy. “There’s a rumor around the tour.”

“The rumor that we’re not really brothers, or the rumor that Justin’s gay, or-”

“The rumor that Nick’s doing drugs.”

“I didn’t hear that one.”

“I’m serious, Drew. People have seen him popping pills.”

Drew stepped back. “You can’t be serious. Are you asking me about this? Are you asking me if Nick is on drugs? You should never have to ask me that question. You should know it’s not true without having to think twice.”

“I know it’s not true,” Nick said.

“Then why are you asking?”

“I can’t get rid of the rumors unless I know the facts.”

“Nick is not doing drugs. None of the Backstreet Boys do drugs. But they get sicker on tour than anyone else I know, so Kevin makes them take vitamins. Nick’s still taking his because he’s here on our tour. If you call *NSYNC’s tour, they’ll tell you that Brian’s doing the same thing.”

“Vitamins,” Nick said.

“Very wholesome,” Drew said.

Nick smiled. “It is wholesome. It’s even kind of cute.”

“What’s cute?” Nick asked, coming up behind Drew. “They want to take pictures of you. You should let them.”

“Is that why we’re here at a photo shoot?” Drew asked. “I had no idea.”

“Funny Drew,” Nick said. Drew twisted slightly, looking up and back at him. Nick leaned down and kissed Drew’s mouth. Drew’s hand came up, holding the back of Nick’s neck, sliding up into Nick’s hair.

Okay, too much. Nick coughed. Nudged Drew’s shin with his foot. “Hey. Guys. Guys.”

Nick released Drew. “Did I mess up the make-up?”

Drew wiped his mouth. “I hope so. I hate it.”

“No, it’s good for you,” Nick said. “It draws attention to your pretty eyes and away from your nose.”

Drew smacked Nick’s arm. “Apologize.”

“I’m sorry that your nose is big,” Nick said.

“I’m sorry that you’re not going to get laid tonight,” Drew said.

“Is that supposed to scare me?” Nick asked. “Should I be afraid now?”

“I can withhold sex,” Drew said.

“Right. We believe you, Drew,” Nick said. “Come on, I want to watch you pose sexy for pictures.”

matthew@matthewtime.com
"Where You Belong" Part Six
"Where You Belong"
"Living"
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