Copyright April 2, 2002-March 8, 2004 by Matthew Haldeman-Time

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Thus far we've had JC/Justin, Nick/Drew/Brian, Nick/Jeff, Nick/Drew/Brian/Nick/Jeff, AJ/Lance, AJ/Howie, AJ/Kevin, Chris/Howie, and partridge/pear tree.

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashwriters.  It also is for Elizabeth and Jeff.

Notice: First, read "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," "Rest in Peace," "Destiny," and "Together." I know it sounds like a lot, but it'll only take you an hour or two.

        He’d promised AJ he’d stay away from that kind of bullshit.

        But AJ wasn’t even in his life anymore.  Why honor a promise to a memory?

        Joey was in his life.  Joey would hate it if he turned back there.

        Or would Joey even mind?  After all, hadn’t Joey watched him?  Enabled him?  Confiscating the stuff once or twice was nothing compared to standing by and letting him do it the rest of the time.

        Logically, rationally, long-term, he’d feel better if he called Joey instead of Derek.

        His brain didn’t care about logic.  His thoughts were twisted; his heart was clenching and knotting.  He wanted to turn to something.  Something like coke.  Something like vodka.

        Something like Joey?

        What could Joey do?

        He’d asked Joey to come over.  Joey would come over whenever Joey chose.  That was up to Joey.  He wasn’t going to call and sound needy.  He wasn’t going to be that pathetic.  He wasn’t going to look that weak.

        When Joey came over - - it wasn’t an if, it was a when - - how was Lance going to be?  Trashed?  Smashed?  Wasted?

        He might not even be home when Joey got there.  He might be out.  Out at a club.  Drinking.  Fucking.  Why not?  Why not give in, let go?

        Lance dropped onto the couch, pressing his fists to his forehead.  Sometimes he didn’t even recognize himself.  Sometimes he didn’t even know which version of Lance was the real one anymore.  Maybe he truly was a callous club-hopper who drank too much and was into extremely casual sex.  Who was to say otherwise?

        He should just screw it.  He was pissed off and hurt and confused and even a little freaked out, and he was afraid to turn his life around, so he should just trash everything, forget it all, and go out.  What did it even matter, anyway?

        He’d made promises to Joey, but so what?  Why keep them?  He didn’t have any kind of guarantee that Joey was going to protect his heart, so why should he protect Joey’s?

        He should, because he loved Joey.  He had to, because he was in love with Joey.

        Lance leaned back, groaning.  Hell.  He should’ve known better.  He’d known how damned head over heels he was.  He’d known that he wouldn’t be able to pull back.  He’d just had to test his limits, just had to keep playing with fire.  Now he was trapped.

        Maybe Joey wasn’t going to stay his boyfriend forever.  No; definitely, Joey wasn’t going to stay his boyfriend forever.  But for the moment, Joey was, and Lance was such a fucking sap he was going to keep his promise and protect Joey’s heart.  He wouldn’t go out and get laid.  He wouldn’t go out and get drunk.  He wouldn’t call Derek and get high.

        Then what was he going to do?

        For one thing, he was going to get out of these clothes.  His ass was still wet from his underwear.  He got up and went to his bedroom, stripping.  Turning, he saw something on the bed.  A glint of something shiny.  He pulled back the bedclothes.

        Joey’s Superman pendant.  Lance picked it up, holding it in the palm of his hand.

        Superman saved Metropolis, and the world at large, from villains and annihilation on a daily basis.

        Lance knew that, ultimately, everyone had to save himself.  But he wondered if, until he reached that point, someone else might be able to help him out.  Rescue him from himself.  Be his own personal hero.

        Howie’s arms closed around him from behind.  Howie kissed his neck.  “They’re good presents.”

        “Yeah,” Chris said, looking at them.

        “You have a complete set,” Howie said, resting his chin on Chris’s shoulder.

        “Collect all four,” Chris said.  He couldn’t stop staring at them.  How stupid, for such a little thing to matter this much.  He shouldn’t care.  He should barely remember what Robo Battle Combat Zoids even were.  But he did remember.  It was crazy, for that one painful memory from childhood to have followed him this far through life.

        Except it wasn’t just one painful memory.  There was more to it than that.  It was an example.  It was how things had been.  He wasn’t going to sit up and cry about it, but his life hadn’t always been all that easy.  He hadn’t exactly had a lot of advantages.  He certainly hadn’t had a huge house and several million dollars and big record deals and expensive cars and a large wardrobe and a gorgeous wealthy superstar lover.

        Luxuries.  His life was full of luxuries.  This house was a luxury, and so was everything in it.  His cars, his clothes, the platinum watch on his wrist: luxuries.  Howie was a luxury.

        He could still remember what it was like to live out of a car.  It wasn’t an adventure, and it wasn’t a hip crazy bohemian lifestyle choice.  It sucked.  It was scary and it was abnormal and it made him feel marked.  Other kids hadn’t lived like that.  Other kids had real homes and two-parent families and home-cooked meals.  It was hard to cook a meal in a fucking car.

        He had a home now.  He had money.  But no matter how much money he made or how hard he worked or how much stuff he bought or how many people wanted his autograph, something in the back of his mind told him that he was coming from a disadvantage.  He could work as hard as he wanted at being funny or interesting; he could dance his ass off and sing his heart out; he still came from nothing, which meant he was nothing.

        So he cracked jokes, cracked them a mile a minute, because when people were laughing, they weren’t noticing how damaged he was inside.

        His true friends, they knew.  They saw.  Even Justin and Lance had noticed, after a while, that even though he was funny as hell, he wasn’t quite happy.

        Happiness was a luxury, too.

        His life had changed too much.  Things had turned around too far.  He’d wanted to be successful, to a point.  He’d wanted to work hard to get a better life, to a point.  But he’d passed that point by, too fast, too early.  He’d started to wait for fate to notice that, and correct the situation.  After the first album, when they’d gone to court, he’d thought, well, maybe this is it, maybe this is what comes next.  Only, everything had actually worked out, and they’d gone on to amazing success after amazing success.

        Chris had grown up understanding that certain things he could achieve if he worked hard, and certain things were out of his reach.  That was life.  He wasn’t going to play in the NFL, for example, and he accepted that.  Every life had limits, and he knew his.

        He wasn’t ever going to own a Robo Combat Battle Zoid, and he knew that.

        Except…now he did.  He owned all four.  Bright and shiny and new, in their original packaging.

        He’d worked hard.  Anyone who paid any kind of attention knew that.  He was still working hard, and wasn’t about to quit.  He’d seen to it that his mother and sisters were taken care of.  He tried to be a good person.

        Maybe now it was time to let go of the past and its burdens.  Maybe now he could accept that his life really had changed, and the circumstances he’d been born into didn’t have to follow him through the rest of his life.  Maybe now he could say good-bye to the boy he’d been and embrace the man he’d become.

        Howie’s voice was soft.  “What are you thinking about?”

        “We have good friends,” Chris said.  “How did they know I needed this?”

        “You and AJ have a few things in common,” Howie said.

        Chris smiled.  “I’m ready to marry you.”

        “What makes you say that now?” Howie asked.

        “What you just said didn’t bother me.”  He turned in Howie’s arms, looking into Howie’s eyes.  “You’ve done something to me.”

        “What have I done to you?” Howie asked.

        “I could rationalize the money.  I could rationalize the success.  I worked hard for it, I was working with great people.  But I couldn’t rationalize you.  I hadn’t done anything to get you, but be myself, by myself.”

        “I fell in love with you for who you were,” Howie said.

        “I had a little trouble accepting that,” Chris said.  “I didn’t think you were real.  I knew you weren’t going to last.”

        “I’m still here,” Howie said.  His voice was gentle.

        “I figured that out,” Chris said.  “It took me a while, but I think I finally get it.”  He kissed Howie.  Soft…sweet…sexy…  “I love you,” he whispered, opening his eyes.  “Howie, do you know how much you’ve changed my life?”

        “You see me as a status symbol, don’t you?” Howie asked, sounding like something was finally connecting in his brain.

        “Yes, but not like that,” Chris said.  “In a good way.  In a healthy way.”

        “I never thought that a man of comparable wealth, age, and fame would look at me as a trophy,” Howie said.  There was the slightest of edges to his tone; Chris tried to figure out how to explain.

        “I never thought I’d be with anyone like you,” Chris said.  “I never thought that anyone like you would want me.  My roots are showing, Howie.”

        “Not one of us started out life like this,” Howie said.  “We all had to work to get here.”

        “I’ve always been just me,” Chris said.  “Regular old me, all day long.  You’re so beautiful, Howie, and so perfect, I barely knew what to do with you.  When you told me that you loved me, it was like handing this watch to the kid I used to be.  It was extravagance, it was a glimpse into another world, but it wasn’t anything I could reasonably apply to my life.”

        “What about now?” Howie asked.

        “Now, I’ve figured out I’m not that kid anymore,” Chris said.  “I’ve outgrown him.  I’m still me, I’ll always be me.  I’ll always be the man formerly known as that kid.  But I’m here now.  And you’re here now.  You’re still in the pinch me I’m dreaming category, but you also apply to my life.”

        “I love you for who you are,” Howie said.  “That includes where you came from, and where you’re going.”

        The real question was approaching.  Chris waited for it.

        “Do you love you for who you are?” Howie asked.

        Who he was.  A son, a brother, a friend.  A singer, a dancer.  A joker.  A little more sarcastic than he should be, a little more bitter than he’d like to admit.  Older than he’d used to be, more successful than he’d ever expected to be.  Loyal to his friends, completely in love with Howie.  Not a bad human being, overall.  Someone he’d probably like to be friends with.  “Yeah,” he said.  “I think I do.”

        “See it?” Nick asked.  “I almost licked it.”

        “Thank you for restraining yourself,” Drew said.

        “Yeah, you’re welcome,” Nick said.

        “It feels good,” Drew said.

        “What does?” Brian asked, sitting on the bottom of the stairs, unlacing his boots.

        “Being close again,” Drew said.  “With Nick and Jeff.”

        “You always were close to them,” Nick said.

        “You know what I mean,” Drew said.  “There was all of that tension.”

        “It does feel good,” Brian said.

        “Yeah,” Nick said.  “I like feeling good with Jeff.”  He sat beside Brian.  “I talked to JC.”

        “How is he?” Drew asked.

        “He’s pretty good,” Nick said.  “It sounds like Justin’s actually taking their new relationship seriously, and they’re both really working on changing, well, I guess pretty much everything.”

        “That’s good,” Drew said.  “You think they’ll make it?”

        “I think so,” Nick said.  “They have a really strong core base of love.  They can build anything from there.  That is, as long as Justin doesn’t get jealous.”

        “Jealous of what?” Brian asked.

        “JC’s crush on you.”

        “JC’s what?” Brian asked.

        “How many people do you have in your harem now?” Nick asked.  “You’re racking up the numbers.”

        “I have a harem?” Brian asked, laughing.

        “I’m still your number one,” Nick reminded him.

        “You’re always my number one,” Brian said, gazing at Nick with loving adoration, lifting his hand to sweep his fingers across Nick’s cheekbone and through Nick’s hair.

        Drew coughed.

        “No, he didn’t forget about you,” Nick said, bumping Drew’s shin with one foot.  “You’re his number one, too.”

        “Always,” Brian said, taking Drew’s hand.  “You know that.”

        “I don’t want to get lost in the harem,” Drew said.

        “I’d never lose sight of you,” Brian said.  “I always look to you.”

        Drew ran his thumb down Brian’s cheek, then cupped Brian’s chin.  Brian had to be reading some kind of question in his gaze, because Brian’s next words seemed to be an answer to something.

        “You and Nick are my way,” Brian said.  “You and Nick are my path.”

        Drew leaned down and pressed his lips to Brian’s, eyes closing.

        Nick leaned back, watching.

        “I love you,” Drew whispered.

        “Do you forgive me?” Brian asked, opening his eyes, catching Drew’s hand, keeping Drew there.

        “I never had to,” Drew said, refusing that role.

        “I need to know,” Brian said.

        “Brian, that’s up to Nick,” Drew said.  “I barely knew you then.  I didn’t know you then.  I wasn’t a part of that.”

        “You’re a part of this,” Brian said.  “You’re a part of us.”

        “Then, yes,” Drew said.  “Yes, I do.”  He kissed Brian chastely.  “I forgive you.”

        “With what?” Justin asked.

        “With whatever happened with Lance,” JC said, closing the door.

        “JC,” Justin said, “I’m not wearing underwear right now, and you’re worried about Lance?”

        “Baby, be serious,” JC said.

        “I am being serious,” Justin said, walking up the stairs.  “I told you not to worry about Lance.  I can take care of it.”

        JC wasn’t enthusiastic about that, but he was willing to take Justin’s word for it.  “All right.”  He followed Justin to the bedroom.

        Justin began to undress.  “What a night.”  He shook his head.  “How’s Nick?”

        “I don’t know,” JC said.  “Something’s wrong and he’s not telling me about it.”

        “Something’s wrong?” Justin asked, concern crossing his face.  “How wrong?”

        “Very wrong,” JC said.

        “So if you guys didn’t talk about that, what did you talk about?” Justin asked.

        “You,” JC said.  “You and me.”

        Naked, Justin went to brush his teeth.  “What did you tell Nick about us?”

        “That we’re working on things.  That we’re trying to respect each other’s independence.”  JC sat on the edge of the bed.

        “We should talk about that,” Justin said from the bathroom.

        “Baby?” JC asked.

        “Yeah?” Justin asked.

        “What’s wrong?”

        “Nothing,” Justin said.  “I told you that, JC.”

        “You can tell me anything,” JC said.

        “There’s nothing to tell,” Justin said.  He came out from the bathroom, getting into bed.

        JC was still dressed, sitting on the disarrayed covers.  “We do need to talk about us.”

        “You start,” Justin said, tucking the pillow behind his head.

        “Baby, is this what it’s going to be like?” JC asked.  “Is this what our relationship is now?  You keep things from me, and I have to accept it?”

        “You have to let me handle this,” Justin said.  “I’ve never kept anything from you, JC, but I don’t want you in the middle of this.  You’d get upset and you’d make things worse, it would make everything even more complicated than it already is.  You have to trust me, baby.”

        “I can trust you,” JC said, “if you stop pulling away from me.”

        “You think I’m pulling away from you if I’m not naked in your arms,” Justin said.

        “That was before,” JC said.  “I’m not like that anymore, Justin, you know that.  I don’t want you to accuse me of being that way when I’m trying this hard to change.”

        “God, you’re so damned dramatic all of the time,” Justin muttered.  “Fine, you’ve changed, I’ve changed, we’re all different.”

        “What is this?” JC asked, frustrated and confused.  “You’re trying to push me away?”

        “Just drop it,” Justin said.  “Forget it.  I’m fine, everything’s fine.”

        “I thought you were more mature than this,” JC said.

        “Oh, there we go, very nice,” Justin said.

        JC looked at Justin in silence, tension around his eyes and mouth.

        Justin made an “oh, god, here we go again” disgusted sound, all but rolling his eyes.

        JC snapped, jumping on top of Justin, grabbing Justin’s hands and pinning them to the mattress.  Justin’s eyes widened in disbelief; JC never laid hands on him to push him around.  “I would appreciate it,” JC said with tight control, “if when I approach you with understanding and respect as my husband and partner in life, you would give me the same respect.  I do not,” he added sharply, his eyes flashing, “appreciate being accused of exhibiting the same behavior I did in the past when you know better than anyone how fucking damned hard I work every second of every day to overcome that tendency in the very core of my nature.”

        “JC,” Justin said, quick to explain.

        “I am talking now,” JC said.  “You had your chance, and you blew it.  Now it’s my turn, until I tell you otherwise.”

        Justin closed his mouth.

        “If,” JC emphasized, “there is something you choose not to tell me, whatever your motivation is, I will try to understand that.  I will try to accept it, because I trust you, and because you exercise that option rarely.  But if there’s something you’re not going to tell me, and you’re saying that it’s not a big thing, then you need to demonstrate that I don’t need to worry.  That means not pulling away from me.  That means not pushing me away.”

        Justin tried to turn his wrist, to twist it free; JC’s grip tightened.

        “I don’t like these little displays,” JC said.  “They’re not cute, and I deserve better.  You have stood by me through a lot, but you’ve also put me through a lot, and you know how faithfully I’ve stood by you.  If you’re going to act like a child, Justin, I’m going to treat you like a child.  But at this point in my life, I am an adult, and so are you, and I expect you to act like one.”

        “JC,” Justin whispered.

        “Apologize to me,” JC ordered.

        Justin closed his eyes.  He was naked under JC, with only JC’s clothes between them, and there was no way to disguise how hard he was.  He had been picking a fight; he’d been acting just the way he’d used to.  He wasn’t at all proud of himself.  JC did deserve better.  He had been acting like a child.  He was ashamed and embarrassed and aroused and angry with himself.

        He opened his eyes.  JC’s face was closer now, and JC was absolutely gorgeous, and the subservient bottom boy who lived inside Justin’s head, the one JC had fucked in room 263, was begging to be taken and used and owned.  Justin felt his breath coming faster.

        JC wasn’t going to say it again.  JC was going to wait for his apology if they stayed there all night.

        Justin took a deep breath.  “I’m sorry, JC.”

        JC released him, getting off of him, leaving the bed.

        Justin suppressed a thick shudder.  He knew what it was to be mastered.  He knew what it was to crave.  He allowed himself to sit up, exercising great self-control in not launching himself at JC.

        Standing there, JC looked at him.  “Are you ready to talk?”

        Not at all, but Justin would do whatever JC wanted.  “Yes.”

        “I couldn’t have pulled it off without you,” AJ said.  “You did the work.  I was just the idea man.”

        “It was a great idea,” Kevin said, not letting him defer praise.  “It meant a lot to Chris.”

        “It’s his day,” AJ said.

        “I want you to do something for me now,” Kevin said, drawing AJ into the circle of his arms.

        “What would that be?” AJ asked, looping an arm around Kevin’s neck, curling his fingers over Kevin’s waistband just to the side of Kevin’s fly.

        “I want you to make love to me.”  Kevin didn’t move in to kiss AJ, giving AJ the opportunity to weigh what he’d said and view his calm expression to judge how serious he was.

        AJ raised his eyebrows.  “Make love to you,” he repeated carefully, deliberately not reacting.

        “I told you that this morning,” Kevin said.

        “I heard you,” AJ said.  He unwound his arm from around Kevin’s shoulders, placing his hand against Kevin’s chest.  He wasn’t pushing Kevin away, but he certainly wasn’t drawing Kevin closer, either, and Kevin was aware of that.

        “You didn’t believe me,” Kevin said for him.

        “You were…in a certain mood,” AJ said.

        “A mood,” Kevin repeated.  He didn’t like that.

        “What you said this morning was, ‘I’ll do anything, I’ll give you anything, you can fuck me,’” AJ said.  “That’s not exactly rational, compared to your normal behavior.”

        “I meant what I said then, and I mean what I’m saying now,” Kevin said.  “I want you to make love to me.”

        “Why?” AJ asked.  “Why this, why now?”

        “Don’t laugh,” Kevin ordered.

        “I won’t laugh,” AJ said, meaning it.

        “I want to give myself to you,” Kevin said.  “I want you to experience me.  I want to experience you.  I want to know what it’s like to have you…possess me that way.”

        “Do I possess you in other ways?” AJ asked with a smile.

        “You possess me in every way,” Kevin said.

        “You aren’t thinking about this in terms of sex and dicks and orgasms, are you?” AJ asked.

        “No,” Kevin said.  “It’s deeper than that.”

        “It is deeper than that, between us,” AJ said.  “But it’s still going to feel good.  I’m going to make it feel good for you.”

        “I’m not worried about pain,” Kevin said.  “It won’t bother me.”

        “I know it won’t,” AJ said.  “Do you want to do this tonight?”

        Kevin nodded.  “Yes.”

        “All right,” AJ said, and kissed him, fingers in his waistband tugging him closer.  “It’s time to make you a man.”

        “Yeah,” Nick said, following him inside, locking the door.

        “I talked to Brian.”

        “Yeah,” Nick said, not seeing where this was going.

        “Neither one of us talked to Nick.”

        “I talked to Nick,” Nick objected.

        “He said hi, you said hi, he walked away.”

        “He looked like he had somewhere else to be,” Nick said.

        “I doubt he had an urgent, pressing matter to discuss with the people he talks to every other day,” Jeff said.

        “He didn’t talk to you?” Nick asked.

        “He said hi to me in passing.  He was moving so fast I barely had time to say ‘Hi, Nick’ before he was out of the room.  For the rest of the night, he avoided me like the plague.”

        “That’s unusual,” Nick said, frowning.

        “It’s completely out of character,” Jeff said.  “Normally I can’t beat Nick off with a stick.”

        “Yeah, I’ve noticed,” Nick said.  “You think something’s going on?”

        “He was holed up with JC for a while,” Jeff said.  “Did Drew say anything?”

        “He was kind of weird,” Nick said.  “He told me he’s glad I’m his brother, and he’s glad we’re such a big part of each other’s lives, and he loves me.”

        “And?”

        “And then we talked about hanging wallpaper.”

        “So the rest of that was sort of off-topic,” Jeff guessed.

        “Yeah,” Nick said.  “Drew doesn’t usually come out with that stuff unless he has a reason.  It’s usually not…unprompted.”

        “You think something’s going on?” Jeff asked.

        “It seems like it,” Nick said.

        “The good news is, this time, whatever’s wrong, we can be pretty sure it’s not our fault.”

        “Yeah,” Nick said.  “That’s comforting.”

        Lance opened the door.  “Hi.”  He’d changed into a tank top and track pants; he looked a little scattered.  Lance never crumbled under pressure, ever, and he didn’t look like he was going to now, either.  He just looked like things were getting to him, catching up with him.

        “Hi,” Joey said.  “Can I come in?”

        Lance let him in, then closed the door.

        Joey could see that Lance didn’t want to talk.  He empathized, but they had to talk, all the same.

        “Thanks for your truck,” Lance said.  “How’d you get here?”

        “JC and Justin took me home,” Joey said.  “I drove over.”

        “So.”  Lance rubbed his hands together, thinking.  “Want to have sex?” he offered.

        Joey smiled.  “Maybe later.”

        “Well, then I’m pretty tired,” Lance said.  “Think I’ll go to bed.  You can sleep over, if you want.”

        “I think we should talk first,” Joey said.

        “Talk?” Lance asked innocently, and started walking towards his bedroom.

        “Talk,” Joey confirmed.

        “If this is going to be a big discussion, maybe we should wait until morning,” Lance said.  He started to get into bed, not even bothering to undress first.

        “You’re usually a lot more subtle than this,” Joey said, crawling in right after him, right on top of him the second his head hit the pillow.  “What are you running from?  Me, or the discussion?”

        “The discussion,” Lance admitted.  “Not you.”

        Joey looked down at him, touching his lips.  “Not me.  That’s good.”

        Lance was gazing up at him, breathing slowly.

        Joey touched the chain around Lance’s neck, pulling it loose from beneath Lance’s shirt, untucking the pendant.  His necklace.  Lance was wearing it.

        Joey had given Lance the necklace more as a symbol than anything else.  It meant a lot to him, and he knew that Lance knew that, and that was why he’d offered it.  He’d never expected Lance to wear it.  Here Lance was, wearing it.  That touched him in an unexpected soft place inside.

        Lance kissed him, no tongue, just lips on lips, one hand creeping towards the back of his neck.

        That felt good, and Joey was interested in pursuing it, but he didn’t want to postpone this conversation.  “What happened in the hot tub?”

        “Nothing,” Lance said.  “I didn’t try to kiss him, if that’s what you’re asking.”

        “Then what did happen?” Joey asked.

        “We talked,” Lance said.  “That’s what friends do, and Justin and I are friends.”

        “Why did you run out of the party?” Joey asked.  “Why did you have to leave?  What’s bothering you?”

        “I’m not bothered,” Lance said.  “I’m fine.  Justin’s fine.”

        “Justin said that you were digging for information, and he told you something you hadn’t expected to hear,” Joey said.

        “I’m really not interested in talking about this right now,” Lance said.

        “Whatever issue you have with Justin, you need to get it settled,” Joey said.  “You can’t keep up this attitude.  He’s your best friend, we all live and work and play together.  You know that it’s really going to damage the group if you let this become a bigger and bigger thing.”

        “You don’t even know what this is about,” Lance said, pushing him aside, sitting up.

        “I’m not sure you do, either,” Joey said, sitting up beside him.

        Lance sighed, tapping his fingers together.  “Can I be honest with you?”

        “It would be an insult to our friendship if you weren’t honest,” Joey said.

        “Everyone has someone in the back of his mind.  Justin can swear up and down all day long that he’s absolutely devoted to JC, but somewhere in the back of his mind, he’s looked at another man.”

        “There’s nothing wrong with looking,” Joey said.

        “I thought that if I could get Justin to admit that to me, and to give me a name, that I could use that against him.”

        “It doesn’t mean anything,” Joey said.  “It doesn’t matter if he does look, and it doesn’t matter who he’s looking at.  Justin is absolutely devoted to JC, and he would never touch anyone else, man or woman, cat or dog.”

        “You think it wouldn’t hurt JC?” Lance asked, disbelieving.

        Joey gave that consideration.  “I think it would have, before,” he finally said.  “Right now, not nearly as much.  JC has better perspective now.  Justin is more grounded now.  Before, Justin might have used that information against JC himself, to hurt JC during one of his bad moods.  But now, Justin wouldn’t do that to JC, and JC wouldn’t take it as badly.”

        “If you had to guess who Justin would be interested in, or who Justin might look at if he didn’t have JC, who would you pick?” Lance asked.

        “Brian,” Joey said.  “It has to be Brian.”

        “Yeah,” Lance said, smoothing the bedspread.  “That’s who I thought, too.”

        Then a thought hit him and he turned to Howie, upset.  “You didn’t get anything!”

        “Anything what?” Howie asked.

        “A gift,” Chris said.  “They didn’t bring you anything!”

        “They gave me a lot,” Howie said.

        “When?  Where?  Like what?” Chris asked, looking around as though more presents might materialize.

        “You’re happy,” Howie said.  “Seeing you happy makes me happy.  That’s all the gift I need.”

        “Seeing me be happy?” Chris asked.  “They at least could have bought you a card.”

        Howie smiled.  “This is better.  I don’t need a card.”

        “Cheap, cheap friends,” Chris said.

        “I saw you shake AJ’s hand,” Howie said.

        “I might have,” Chris said.  “To be civil.”

        “You know that’s better than any present,” Howie said.  “AJ knew that.”

        “That’s why he did it,” Chris said.  “Two presents for the price of one.”

        “We have good friends,” Howie said.

        “I’m sorry about Nick,” Chris said.  “Leaving him on the front porch.”

        “It’s okay,” Howie said.

        “It seemed like something was wrong,” Chris said.  “When he insulted me, it seemed a little half-hearted.”

        “He’s having a rough time right now,” Howie said.  “He’ll be all right.”

        “Are you sure?” Chris asked.  “If him being unhappy is making you unhappy, I’ll take care of whatever it is.”

        Howie kissed his cheek.  “It’s all right.  Come up to bed.”

        Chris grinned.  “All right!  Now you’re talking!”

        Pulling off his shirt, Drew nudged Brian’s shin with his toes behind Nick’s back.  Brian gave him a “go to him” look.  Drew gave Brian the same look.  Brian added a gesture.  Drew made the same gesture back to him.

        “Did you ever notice that if you look in this mirror, you can see the rest of the room and watch what’s happening behind you?” Nick asked.

        Drew and Brian looked away from each other, studiously undressing.

        “What’s with no one wanting Nick duty?” Nick asked.

        “It’s not that I don’t want it,” Drew said.  “I just think you need Brian more right now.”

        “What he said, backwards,” Brian said.

        “I’m glad you’re all on top of everything, because I have no idea what I need right now,” Nick said.

        “That’s okay,” Brian said, coming to stand before him, comfortably crowding his personal space.  “Sweetheart, you don’t have to know exactly what you’re doing or what you want.  I just want you to know that you can talk to us about it.  You can talk to us about anything.”

        “I know that,” Nick said.  “Right now, I don’t have anything to talk about.”

        Brian sat beside him.  “That’s okay.”

        Drew sat on Nick’s other side.  “Yep.”

        Nick picked at a fingernail.

        Brian rested his head on Nick’s shoulder, heaving a dramatic sigh.

        Drew hid his smile.

        “Oh, that’s weird,” Nick said.

        “What is?” Brian asked.

        “I must be really upset about this.”

        “That’s weird?” Brian asked.  “That’s normal.”

        “No, it’s - - I’m really upset.  I’m so upset I don’t feel like having sex.  That’s weird.”

        “That’s not weird,” Drew said.  “It’s not making me feel all that sexy, either.”

        “But I’m always ready to have sex,” Nick said.  “This is the first time I’ve been so upset I’m not really in the mood.”

        “Or maybe this is just the first time you’ve been secure enough to know that you don’t have to offer us sex to keep us interested,” Drew said.  “Especially during a moment of…crisis.”

        “Does your mom like me?” Nick asked.

        “My mother?” Drew asked.  “Yes, Nick, she thinks you’re a lot of fun.  She told me that you’re gorgeous and you’re great to be around.”

        “She just doesn’t want you to be around me,” Nick said.

        “She’s my mother,” Drew said.  “She wants what’s best for me, and she’s worried that us being together, especially so publicly, isn’t what’s best for my physical or emotional health.  But that’s not personal, Nick, that’s not about you.  She’d love you if she’d let herself.”

        “Drew said something weird today,” Nick told Brian.

        “On our fiftieth wedding anniversary, you’ll still be talking around me like I’m not in the room,” Drew said.

        “This morning, he told me how he’d never lie to me and he’d never keep anything from me,” Nick said.  “No lies, no secrets.  He went on and on about it.”

        “That’s good,” Brian said.  “I know how important honesty is to you.”

        “Then he said that if he’d been in your position, he might have done the same thing you did, and not tell me about it.  He’d lie to me and keep things from me.”

        “They weren’t normal circumstances,” Brian said.

        “I guess not,” Nick said.  “I told you I forgive you, right?”

        “You did,” Brian said.

        “You’re not forgiving yourself, are you?”

        “I’ve been living with this for too long,” Brian said.  “The pain of hurting you, of lying to you, of keeping the truth from you, of seeing you hurt and confused - - too much damage was done, and too much of it by me.”

        “You wouldn’t have done it if you’d thought you had another way out,” Nick said.

        “I would have taken all of your pain into myself,” Brian said.

        “I know,” Nick said.

        “You have to understand that I did it out of love,” Brian said.

        “I know,” Nick said.  “I know that usually I go out of my way to misinterpret everything, but this time, I get it.  I believe that you did it for me, because you loved me.  On this one subject, I’ve been living with the bullshit for so long, I can recognize the truth when I finally hear it.”

        “I’m sorry,” Brian said.

        “Yeah,” Nick said.  “I don’t know what I’m feeling.  You always loved me, you wanted to be with me every second that we were apart, god, you know how much that means to me.  You know that’s what I always wanted.  But at the same time…”  Nick looked down.  “I kept making excuses for my family.  Now I know the truth.”

        Drew put his arm around Nick’s back.

        Brian pressed in closer, wrapping his arm around Nick’s waist from the front.

        “Probably everybody loves somebody who doesn’t love him back,” Nick said.  “You know, at some point in life.  You just don’t think it’s going to be your family.”

        “A lot of things,” Justin answered.  His first thought had been to give a more flippant answer, but he was still feeling a little put in his place.

        “What’s the goal of an average relationship?” JC asked.

        “I don’t know,” Justin said.  “Probably something about loving each other, or mutually supporting each other.”

        “I was watching everyone at the party tonight,” JC said.  “Nick and Jeff have a very strong, secure marriage.  Chris and Howie, their relationship gets healthier and happier every day.  I was trying to figure out what they have that we’re…lacking.”

        “What’d you figure out?” Justin asked.

        “You’ve watched Nick and Jeff together,” JC said.  “You’ve seen how at ease they are.  How comfortable they are.  How secure they are in each other.”

        “We have that,” Justin said.

        “We do,” JC agreed.  He frowned.  “To a point.”

        “To a point?” Justin repeated.

        “You and I are in a constant state of ‘prove it to me,’” JC said.  “With every thought, word, look, and touch, we’re saying, you won’t always be here for me, you won’t always love me as much as you do, and I’m just waiting for that day.  In response to that, we’re demanding that we prove to each other how far off that day is.”

        “I followed that, but it’s not true anymore,” Justin said.  “That’s the old us.”

        “In my head, there’s this thought.  All of the time.  It says that if I’m not thinking about you every single second, then I don’t love you as much as I say I do, and you’re not as important to me as I promised you were.  I know that you have the same thought.”

        “But we don’t think about each other with every passing second,” Justin said.  “You’re in the studio.  I’m out getting the house ready.”

        “How often today were you not thinking about me?”

        Justin couldn’t answer that.  “You think Nick never thinks about Jeff?  You think Howie isn’t on Chris’s mind all damned day?”

        “If Chris thinks about something else that’s not Howie, that’s okay,” JC said.  “He wouldn’t feel guilty about it.  He wouldn’t even notice it happening.  How many times did I call you today?”

        “Four,” Justin said.

        “How many times did you call me?”

        “Three.”

        “Why did you call me?”

        “I told you, I wanted to know-”

        “No.  Why did you really call me?”

        Justin looked away, caught.  “I felt like I was getting too caught up in the house, and losing focus of what I was doing it all for.”

        “What are you doing it all for?” JC asked, sitting on the bed, reaching for his hand.

        Justin looked into those beautiful blue eyes.  “You.”

        JC smiled until his eyes crinkled.  “That’s why I call you, too.”

        Justin’s mind followed that path until it hit something new.  “You’re making the album for me?” he asked, hearing his surprise in his voice.

        “Yes,” JC said, moving closer.  “Everything I do is for you, Justin.”

        That rubbed all of Justin’s old needs in just the right way, but, “It’s not supposed to be like that.  You’re supposed to do things for yourself.  Like this album, this is your project, all yours.  It’s not about me.  You can’t make it about me.”

        “I think that it will be all right,” JC said.  “It’ll work out if I make this album about you and about myself, and if your work on the house is for me and for you.  We’re inspired by each other, but we’re expressing ourselves and learning about ourselves.  You’ll always be my inspiration, baby, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

        “Maybe…we should stop calling each other,” Justin said.  “At least not every hour.”

        “I miss you all day,” JC said softly.

        “Don’t say that,” Justin whispered.

        “It’s so hard to be away from you, baby.”

        “JC, please.”  He was trying to do the right thing.  It had taken a lot out of him, forcing himself to say that they should stop calling each other.  He hadn’t wanted to say it, but it wouldn’t have been fair for him to make JC say it first, either.  Now JC was tugging him back towards the edge of that cliff.  How could JC do this to him?  JC knew he wanted to go there, and knew how hard he struggled with it every day, more than anyone else ever could.

        JC’s face closed off for a moment, and Justin’s heart clenched.  Then JC hugged him, and he heard all of the regret in JC’s voice: “I’m sorry, baby.  I don’t know where to draw the line anymore.  I don’t know how to be with you anymore.”

        “Oh, god, JC.”  Justin gripped JC tightly, closing his eyes.  It felt too good to be in JC’s arms.  Even something as simple as a hug was dangerous now.  The slightest touch was unsafe.  He didn’t know how they managed to make love without crossing lines.  Maybe it was by some miracle of strength of will.  If phone calls were leading them down the wrong path, they might be able to stop calling; but if making love took them in the wrong direction…

        “Justin,” JC whispered, and the way his hand slid over the naked flesh of Justin’s back made Justin reel at the stroke of skin to skin.  It felt like JC was touching him…inside…

        “When we were separated,” Justin said, a catch in his voice, “they kept talking to me about love.  Love this, and love that.  They didn’t understand.”

        “I’ll understand, Justin,” JC whispered.  Justin ached to be closer to him, but they were already wrapped tightly around each other.

        “I don’t love you, JC,” Justin said.  “I live you.”  He tightened his grip, just so.  “Maybe that’s what’s wrong.  I don’t know.”  This ache, this pressure in his chest.  “I still don’t know where we’re trying to draw the line.”

        “Justin,” JC whispered.

        “It’s so hard,” Justin said.  “Every day, I’m fighting myself.  It’s so hard when we’re apart, but it’s even worse when we’re together.  This is unbearable, JC.”

        “We can do it,” JC said.  “I love you, baby, we can do this.  Minute by minute.  We’ll do it.”

        “Every second of every day, I’m fighting this need to go to you, to throw myself back into you, to beg you to go back there with me.  It was so horrible then, baby, things got so bad, but things were so good, JC, the passion between us.”

        “It was ripping you apart,” JC said.  “It wasn’t good for you.  That was not the best and the worst of us, Justin, it was only the worst.  We’re getting to the best.  Stay here with me.”

        “When I’m out with Joey or measuring rooms in the house or talking to the woman at the wallpaper store, and I spend one minute thinking about paint colors or floor measurements or the idiot driver in front of me, I feel guilty, JC.  I feel guilty for not thinking about you, for letting something distract me from my love for you.  I know how you feel about me, and I feel like I’m letting you down by not living my life in a perpetual, constant state of obsession.”  It was good to say it, to voice it.

        “When I spend a minute thinking about a key change or a chord progression or Nick’s vibrato, I feel guilty, too,” JC said.  “I’m going through what you’re going through, Justin, but I don’t think we’re being fair to each other or to ourselves.  Life isn’t an either-or situation.  Love doesn’t have to be, either.  Baby, you can be a singer and a dancer and a guitarist and a wallpaper-hanger.  You can be an interior designer and a golfer and the videogame champion of the world if that’s what you want.  If you think about paint colors, that doesn’t mean you’ll never think about me again.  I can love my music and love you.”

        Justin absorbed that information, also trying to absorb JC through touch.

        “I know that you love me,” JC said.  “I know that you do.  You need me in your life as much as I need you in mine.  You know that I love you.”

        “You love me,” Justin said, soaking it up, taking it in.

        “We can love each other and still live our lives,” JC said.  “I know that you love me, and I know that you live me, but you have to live your own life.  You love me today, and you’ll love me tomorrow, and if you want to think about floor measurements in between there somewhere, then think about floor measurements.”

        “You’re not threatened by paint chips?” Justin asked.

        “Part of me is,” JC admitted.  “The old part.  But the old part of me had a lot of stupid tendencies.  I’ll get over it.  The important thing is for us to find a way to balance our loves and our lives, and find some kind of peace together.”

        “We can be so comfortable together,” Justin said.  “When we’re in the right place, I know what you’re thinking just by looking at you.”

        “I can look at you and I know what you’re feeling, what you’re thinking.  What you want from me.”

        “Maybe we should trust that,” Justin said.  “Use that more than we do.”

        “Believe in each other,” JC said.  “Trust each other.”

        “Trust ourselves,” Justin added.  “JC,” he breathed, relaxing.

        “We’re so connected, Justin,” JC said.  “If we could just keep that connection.  Take advantage of it.  Use it in all aspects of our relationship.”

        “I’m not going to call you tomorrow,” Justin said.  He smiled to himself.  “I won’t need to.”

        Kevin shook his head, pulling back to break their kiss.  “Alex,” he said.  “Stop stalling.”

        “I’m giving you an out,” AJ said.  “Take it.”

        “I don’t want an out,” Kevin said.  “I want you.”  He stroked AJ’s chest, softening his voice.  “Give me this.”

        “I do love you,” AJ said, and kissed him.

        Kevin closed his eyes, putting himself into their kiss.  He loved AJ, he would do anything for AJ, and now that they were together, he wanted to get everything that he could out of it.  He’d been waiting for AJ for too long.  Now that the wait was over, and nothing was holding him back, how could he put off anything?

        “Okay,” AJ said softly, against his mouth, and those lush, long lashes lifted.  “Let’s do this.  On your stomach or on your back?”

        Kevin had given this issue consideration earlier.  “On my stomach.”

        “You know how this goes,” AJ said, sliding out from under him.  “You get uncomfortable, you either tell me to stop or tell me to slow down.  Here, put some pillows under your hips.”

        Kevin hesitated, considering the wisdom of that practice.

        “After you come on them, I’ll buy you new pillows,” AJ said.  “I promise you it’ll be worth it.”

        “We could-”

        “Kevin.  Trying to keep the mood here.”

        For AJ’s sake, Kevin gave in, tucking the pillows under his hips.  He crossed his arms in front of him, rested his chin there, and waited.

        “Nice,” AJ said to himself.

        Kevin turned his head to one side, closing his eyes.

        A brush of lips at his cheek.  Hands sliding down his sides, rubbing his hips.  A tongue on his shoulder blade.  Kevin relaxed.

        “You are an impressive male specimen,” AJ said.

        Kevin smiled.

        A firm touch, stroking his back.  Massaging.  The wet heat of AJ’s mouth on his spine.  The attention felt good.  Fingers following the lines of his pelvis around to the front, rubbing towards his groin, then retreating.  The lick of AJ’s tongue at the base of his spine.  Kevin refused to tense, keeping himself relaxed.

        AJ’s hands slid between Kevin’s knees, parting them further.  “This is an incredible view,” AJ said.  “All of this.”  His hands were rubbing the backs of Kevin’s thighs, soothing away tension.  “Just for me.”

        “Just for you,” Kevin heard himself echo, drifting off into gentle places.  He wasn’t entirely surprised to discover that this new kind of attention felt good.  He was comfortable with what AJ was doing, and he found that he didn’t mind that AJ’s hands were steadily moving up his thighs.  When AJ’s thumbs began to massage circles closer and closer to the center of focus, he stayed relaxed and let it happen.  He trusted AJ with this, and that was a reassuring feeling.

        “Kevin,” AJ said, to get his attention.

        “Yeah?” he asked.

        “Don’t freak out.”

        Just as it occurred to Kevin that the very fact that AJ found it necessary to say those words probably meant that he should freak out, he felt something very new and quite unexpected: the wet stroking of AJ’s tongue in a very personal place.  Each soft, direct, intimate lick made him more and more aware of what this all really meant, and what was truly about to happen.

        Kevin had fucked AJ with his tongue before, and that didn’t seem to be quite what was happening here.  While each caress from AJ’s tongue was uniquely sexual, there was no attempt at penetration.  It was as soothing as it was erotic, and the very fact that AJ didn’t seem to be rushing towards an end was reassuring.

        And then it stopped.  “How are you doing?” AJ asked.  His fingertips trailed lightly along the insides of Kevin’s thighs, and Kevin suppressed the urge to squirm at the almost tickling sensation.  “Liking it, hating it, bored, horny, rather be golfing?” AJ asked.

        Everything boiled down to a few basic elements: AJ had stopped.  The licking had stopped.  It had felt good, and Kevin hadn’t wanted it to stop, and if AJ didn’t start again he was going to be very, very irritated.

        Kevin spread his thighs further.

        A low, appreciative chuckle.  “I can take a hint,” AJ said.  “I think it’s time for the next step.”  His fingers stroked over where his tongue had been.  “You’re a beautiful man, Kevin.  Laid out here for my fingertips, making yourself available to me, you don’t realize that a gift this is.”  The soft press of a kiss to the small of Kevin’s back.  The slow, unbearably intimate lick of AJ’s tongue.  And then wet pressure, and the entry of one lube-slick finger.

        Kevin took a long, deliberate breath, maintaining equilibrium.  His body wasn’t sure how it felt about this good-bad erotic-uncomfortable sensation.  But he trusted AJ, and he knew that AJ knew what to do.  The finger began to retreat, but then it pushed back in, and this time, it brought with it a sudden flare of light and heat.

        Kevin opened his eyes.

        “Did you like that?” AJ asked.  Kevin could hear his smug grin.

        “Do that again,” Kevin said.  AJ’s finger moved, and there was a shocking burst of electricity inside Kevin’s body.  He gasped, feeling a new throbbing in his dick.  He’d known, he’d expected, but this?  This kind of pleasure living inside his body, waiting to be awakened?  He could wreak havoc on AJ’s body with a simple touch just like this, but AJ was such a highly sexual creature, he’d never imagined that the same might be possible of himself.

        AJ’s finger was slowly, steadily working its way in and out of him, stretching him, encouraging his body to relax.  The rhythmic burst of stimulation had Kevin clutching up fistfuls of sheets, his dick twitching and hardening.  He hadn’t known it was going to be like this.

        “Hold steady, Kevin, just relax,” AJ murmured, one hand stroking his thigh, and then there was a new stretching, an increase in pressure.  Two fingers.  Kevin swallowed, evening out his breathing.  In the back of his mind, he was trying to compare the thickness of AJ’s erection with the width of AJ’s fingers, and trying to translate that to the confines of his body.  He wasn’t sure it was anatomically possible.  His body wasn’t built for this.

        But, god, maybe it was, because this fresh rush of pleasure from each stroke of his prostate was an incredible gift, and this steady fucking sensation from the thrust and retreat of AJ’s fingers was enormously addictive.  Moans were escaping his throat against his will, deepening, growing louder.  He pushed his hips into the pillow beneath him, rubbing his dick against the soft fabric.  The motion of his hips countered the motion of AJ’s fingers, and suddenly as he shifted back AJ’s fingers came forward, and Kevin realized something hugely important: deeper was better.

        “Fuck me,” he said.  It came out in a sudden rush, his tone urgent.  “Fuck me.”

        “Slow down,” AJ said.

        “AJ,” he warned.

        “Can you let me be in charge of this?” AJ asked.

        Kevin repressed a growl, choosing not to answer.

        “Are you ready to move on?” AJ asked, apparently intent on irritating him.

        “Yes,” Kevin said darkly.

        AJ’s fingers slid out of him.  “I want this to be good for you, but I was ready to come a while ago, so I can’t make any guarantees.  I’m going to need you to hold still.  Hold still,” AJ repeated.

        Kevin raised himself onto his elbows, lowering his head.  He closed his eyes and focused on breathing.

        The blunt, slippery head of AJ’s cock pressed against him.  Slow exhalation.  AJ’s hands took a firm hold on his hips.  Slow inhalation.  “Don’t move,” AJ said, and then there were pressure, pressure, an invasion of excruciating slowness and agonizing eroticism.  Kevin’s blood pounded, and AJ groaned, and the fullness was painful but exquisite, and Kevin couldn’t have moved if he’d wanted to.

        Except…he had a strong urge to…

        Kevin took a deep breath and shifted back.  AJ was cursing a wild blue streak, but it was worth it, oh, god, was it worth it.  The hard length of AJ’s cock was planted so deep inside him he felt like it was buried to the core of him, and the thickness of it was opening his body in new ways but also opening his soul, and his very heart was throbbing in anticipation of this tremendous pleasure.

        “Fuck you,” AJ panted, “my hands are shaking.”

        It was unbearable, he couldn’t take this, he had to have this.  “Fuck me,” he ordered, desperate for it.

        “So tight,” AJ said, “too fucking tight.”

        It hurt but it didn’t, and all of the discomfort was translating into an odd new kind of pleasure, and he loved AJ with all of his heart but if AJ didn’t start moving in the next two seconds he was going to commit homicide.  “Fuck me!”

        Shaky but determined breath.  “You asked for it.”

        Nothing could have prepared Kevin for the tidal wave to come.  Steady thrusts became explicit pounding, AJ’s hands on his hips went from holding him in place to jerking him back onto AJ’s dick, and on every single moment of connection AJ met his prostate.  Nothing Kevin had ever experienced had been this forceful, and his body strained to contain the ecstasy of it.  Panting, sweating, his throat raw from calling out AJ’s name, his knuckles white from his grip on the sheets, Kevin rocked back against AJ in merciless need.

        The fierce, throbbing ache of Kevin’s erection had become secondary to the whirlwind slam of pleasure whipping in and around Kevin’s body.  When AJ’s hand curled around his dick, there was a ferocious scream through Kevin’s nerves and everything became that much more desperate.  Kevin had time for one agonized breath, and then AJ’s hand burned over the shaft of his erection and orgasm twisted through him in a deadly corkscrew.

        Kevin dropped onto his side, rolling to his back just in time for AJ to collapse over him.  It took a moment for anything to register.  He wasn’t even sure whether his eyes were open or shut.

        “How do you feel?” AJ asked.

        Kevin tried to laugh.  “Mauled.”

        AJ did laugh, dragging himself up and flopping onto his back beside Kevin.

        “I should apologize,” Kevin said, pulling together his mental faculties.  “I had no idea anything like that was possible.  I shouldn’t have underestimated your sexual proficiency.”

        “You shouldn’t have underestimated your own sexuality,” AJ said.

        He hadn’t thought about it in quite that way.  It didn’t fit in with his mental image of himself.  Then again, he couldn’t deny that he was capable of…whatever that had been.  “It won’t always be like that, will it?”

        “I hope not,” AJ said.  “I don’t think I’ll be able to take it.”

        “Weird thing,” Jeff said, lying back as though nothing were happening.

        “Hmm?” Nick asked, his touch straying down to Jeff’s thigh.

        “Howie took me upstairs to talk to me in private.”

        Nick frowned, glancing at Jeff’s face.  “About what?”

        For one brief moment, there was a distant, faraway look in Jeff’s eyes.  Then he returned to the present.  “He wanted to see my scars.”

        Nick felt himself tense.  Pissed about that, he forced himself to relax again.  When he trusted his voice to betray no feeling, he asked, “Why?”

        “You could at least pretend to be a little jealous,” Jeff said.

        “You didn’t actually undress for him, did you?” Nick asked, withdrawing his hand from Jeff’s hip to pay more attention to their conversation.  He knew that Jeff was joking about him being jealous, because they both knew better, but he was beginning to grow suspicious, nonetheless.  “Did you?”

        “Yeah,” Jeff said.  “I did.  He wanted to see all of them.  I took off everything, down to my underwear, and then I just stood there.  He walked around me, he looked, he touched my back, he looked some more, and then we talked.”

        “Talked about what?” Nick asked.

        “What being married really means.  What it’s really like not just being publicly gay but having a very public marriage on top of it.  What we’ve been through, and what we’re willing to go through again.  He wanted to see at least some of what he was in for.”

        “Everyone knows that Howie and Chris are together,” Nick said.  “Getting married won’t make it much worse.”

        “It makes it infinitely worse, and you know that,” Jeff said.

        “It doesn’t mean either one of them is going to be…”

        “Gunned down?” Jeff asked.

        “We’re still alive,” Nick said vehemently.  Damn it.  “I wish he’d talked to me instead of you.”

        “I’m okay,” Jeff said.  “I didn’t mind.  I’m pretty sure he picked me on purpose, because mine look the worst.”

        “He wouldn’t know that.”

        “For several reasons, he had a vested interest in what happened.  Of course he’d know that.”

        Nick sat up, creating a slight distance between Jeff and himself.

        “Howie wanted to prepare himself, even a little,” Jeff said.  “The press, the media, the paparazzi - - the fans, the non-fans, the protestors - - we’ve lived through it, JC and Justin have lived through it, Brian and Drew have lived through it.  Being gay, being gay and out, being gay and out in a relationship, those are all steps, and it gets harder and harder.  Being gay and out and married, it’s not exactly easy.  Any kind of public relationship, gay or straight, is hard.  Any kind of public marriage, gay or straight, people tear it apart.  Some people can take it, and some people can’t.  Howie wants to know what he’s getting into, as much as he can.  We live with certain realities.  It wasn’t a morbid conversation, Nick, and it didn’t upset me.  It made me think what a good life I have, that I love you this much, that our marriage can withstand anything thrown at it.”

        Nick looked at Jeff.  “We have been through some rough shit.”

        “Some very rough shit,” Jeff agreed.

        “A lot of it we created,” Nick admitted.

        “I was responsible for a lot of it,” Jeff said.

        “I was responsible for more of it than you were,” Nick said.

        “No argument here.”

        Nick grinned.

        Jeff smiled back.

        “What were we doing before you changed the subject?” Nick asked.

        “I believe you were…exploring,” Jeff said.  “Down here.”  He tugged down the sheet a bit, exposing a mouth-watering sample of his pelvis.

        “Let me get right back to that,” Nick said, swallowing drool and sliding in for a closer investigation.  He skipped touching and went straight to licking.

        “I was right,” Jeff said, putting his hand in Nick’s hair, guiding slightly to the right.

        “About what?” Nick asked, licking into Jeff’s groin.

        “I have…such…,” soft moan, “…a good life…”

        “I don’t know,” Lance said.  “He always does.  He always did, before.  I didn’t think he would, after what happened in Terry’s house, but he did.  When we were touring, I used to touch him, put my hand on his leg, sit too close, but this time, I went farther, and he didn’t push me away.”

        “Push you away,” Joey repeated.  “Maybe he was afraid to.  Afraid if he did, you’d run.  Pushing you away physically always means pushing you away emotionally.  You start running, like rejecting your touch means rejecting all of you.”

        “It does,” Lance said.

        “It doesn’t,” Joey said.  “But maybe Justin was afraid to risk it.”

        “Why would he care?” Lance asked.  He’d told Joey everything, everything except Justin’s final answer.  He wasn’t ready to share that yet.

        “Justin is your friend,” Joey said.  “He wants to be, anyway.  If you’d get over the JC thing, Justin would jump at the chance to be your best friend again.”

        “Of course he would,” Lance said.  “Why wouldn’t he?  I’ve been great to him in so many ways, it’s getting hard to keep track.”

        “He loves you,” Joey said.  “You love him.”

        “You love me,” Lance corrected him.  “Justin…”

        “Justin what?” Joey asked.

        “I don’t love him,” Lance said.  “I can’t even stand him.  I hate the sight of him.”

        “You’re jealous,” Joey said firmly.  “You’re jealous, and you need to get over it.”

        “I hate him,” Lance said.

        “You love him,” Joey said.  “Stop pretending.  You think I don’t know when you’re lying?”

        “I’m not lying!” Lance shouted.  Fuck!  He got up, leaving the bed.

        “You love Justin, you think he’s as great as the rest of us do.  This is a friendship, Lance, not a competition.  Justin is cute and talented and smart and a great dancer and very creative and yeah, there’s something about him that makes it seem like everything’s easy for him and he’s living a better life than we are.  That’s Justin, that’s who he is.  I’m not like that, I’m me.  Chris is Chris, JC is JC, and you are you.  We’re not competing for who’s better-looking or who’s more popular or who can sing better or who gets the most head.  We’re friends.  We love each other.  Maybe Justin can make a better jump shot than you can, but he’s never balanced a checkbook in his life.  JC’s a better dancer than Chris, but have you heard JC tell even one joke correctly?”

        Lance had to smile.  “He’s stopped trying.”

        “The five of us balance each other.  We’re very different people.  That’s okay.  That just means that we contribute different things to this friendship.”

        Lance crossed his arms, stepping closer to the bed.  “And?”

        “And I don’t think you’re in love with JC.”

        Lance frowned.  He didn’t like that accusation.  “Why?”

        “For a while now, a long time, Justin’s been getting pretty much the entire spotlight.  Sometimes it feels like he gets more attention than we do from the press, and I know that he demands all of our attention between the five of us.  The three of us were spending all of our time and energy doing damage control with JC and Justin, and JC lived to serve Justin, so everywhere we turned, it was Justin, Justin, Justin.  Even when you broke up with AJ, and you needed us to be there for you as good friends are supposed to do, we still were focused on Justin.  Justin, JC, Chris, me, all four of us are to blame for that.  Since you weren’t getting any attention from any side, you made us pay attention.  Partying, fucking, drinking, using.  Yelling at us.  Fucking up our heads.  You took attention for yourself.”

        “What does this have to do with how I feel about JC?” Lance asked, thoroughly unimpressed.

        “You saw how much attention Justin was getting.  How much love he was receiving.  He had so much he could reject it at will, and even when he did, it was still there.  AJ was the biggest, most serious, most defining relationship of your life.  You were in love with AJ, and being with him changed you.  All of that, and still, there you were, without him.  But Justin had unending love, had all of JC’s time and love and attention and affection.  You wanted that for yourself.  You wanted something like that, someone like JC.  But it’s not JC himself that you want.”

        Lance took a breath, deciding to be honest.  “JC said that he and I would be great together, but it wouldn’t last.”

        “He’s right,” Joey said.  “You don’t want to be with him, Lance.  Not really.  You just like the idea of him.  You’re jealous of Justin, and you’re making everything worse than it really is, because the crazier you act, the more attention you get.”

        “You know everything,” Lance said.  “That’s great, Joey.”

        “I don’t know everything,” Joey said.  “I know you.”

        “Then why don’t you tell me what’s going to happen when Justin tells JC how big bad Lance pawed him in the hot tub?” Lance asked.

        “I don’t know,” Joey said.  “We’ve all been trying not to upset you, trying not to drive you farther away, trying not to ruin our friendship or give you an excuse to start using again.  But you’ve touched Justin one too many times.”

        “He didn’t stop me,” Lance said.  “He didn’t try to stop me.”

        “You didn’t grab his dick,” Joey said.  “You didn’t try to kiss him.”

        “I asked him if I could,” Lance said.

        “He said no, and you knew he would,” Joey said.  “You said that when you put your hand on his leg, you asked him if it was okay, and he said yes.”

        “So, I’m innocent?” Lance asked.

        “You’re not innocent,” Joey said.  “You shouldn’t have done any of it, and you know that.  But Justin had every opportunity to tell you to go to hell, and he didn’t.  So either it wasn’t that bad, and he didn’t mind, or he was uncomfortable but didn’t want to risk alienating you by telling you to fuck off.”

        “You’re telling me I don’t want JC,” Lance said.

        “Everybody wants JC,” Joey said.  “I want JC.  But it’s nothing more than that.  You don’t feel anything for JC you don’t also feel for Justin or Chris.  You’re not in love with JC, Lance.”

        “Then who am I in love with?” Lance asked, challenging him.

        “You were in love with AJ,” Joey said.  “Whatever I think about him, good or bad, I know that you were in love with him.  Other than that, I don’t know.  But you’ll know.  When you find it.”

        Lance uncrossed his arms, lifting Joey’s chin.  “I hope so,” he said, and kissed Joey’s mouth, closing his eyes.  Raising one knee to the mattress, Lance slowly made love to Joey’s mouth, tongue to tongue.  Joey’s arms came around him, pulling him forward; he followed Joey’s urging, coming on top of Joey as Joey lay back, riding Joey’s thigh.  It had been an emotionally trying day, accepting the responsibility and great risk of being Joey’s boyfriend; seeing AJ but not exchanging even one word, barely even making eye contact; running into Brian; everything with Justin and the hot tub.  He was pissed off, frustrated with everyone, furious with himself.  But this, this he knew, this was Joey, and love, and escape, and release.  This, he wanted to experience as often as he could, while it was still being offered.  “Make love to me,” he said.

        Joey pulled his shirt up, off over his head, and rolled him over, onto his back.  “I love you,” Joey said, looking into his eyes.  “You never have to do anything to get my attention.  You always have it, just by being.”

        Not just by being himself, even.  Just by being.  Just by existing.  He didn’t have to be himself, didn’t have to be any way at all, and Joey would still, would always, be aware of him, pay attention to him.

        He almost said it, right then.  Almost.  But he’d said it before, and it had never come to mean anything.  He’d said it to AJ, and what had that meant?  It hadn’t won him anything.  It hadn’t guaranteed him anything.

        If he said it to Joey, said, “I love you,” what would happen?  He would be giving away that final piece of himself, and then what?  It didn’t mean that Joey would stay with him.  It didn’t mean that Joey would be faithful to him.  It didn’t even mean that Joey had to love him back.  It would only mean that he’d once again be handing all of himself over, on a platter, to someone who then could do anything to him.

        He wasn’t going to let himself be hurt like that again.

        It would be even worse this time.  He couldn’t take that.

        Worse, because it would be the second time.  Worse, because Joey had been his friend first, his most loyal friend.  Worse, because he’d promised himself he’d never let that happen again.  Worse, because he was in love with Joey so deeply, in so many ways, for so many reasons, that he knew that, while he’d been in love before, it was nothing compared to this.

        Still, while Joey was inside him, thrusting, grunting and groaning, sweating under his hands and moaning his name, he did it.  Said it.  Breathed it, as faintly as possible, so that it came out more as a rush of panted air than as coherent syllables.  “I love you.”  He didn’t want Joey to hear him, didn’t want Joey to realize he’d said anything at all.  He just wanted, once, to say it.  To Joey.  While he still could.

        “What?” Howie asked, sounding like he wanted to laugh.

        “We were talking, Joey was talking, and he wanted advice on technique.  I said I couldn’t give him advice because I’ve only ever done that with you, so I can’t really consider myself a master.  It occurred to me that I could be awful at it, and you’re just too kind to tell me.”

        “Chris, when I tell you that you’re the best lover I’ve ever had, I mean in all aspects,” Howie said.

        Chris had had his share of sexual partners, over the years.  All right, so all of them had been women, other than Howie, but he still had a lot of experience.  That experience gave him a certain level of confidence in his sexual abilities.  At the same time, he knew that Howie had been with at least as many people as he had, probably more, and the odds of him being the best of the group weren’t very good.  Even so, Howie said it like it was an irrevocable truth, so he raised his head, looking into Howie’s eyes.

        “The best,” Howie repeated, putting an arm around his waist.  “Some of that is about technique.  Some of that is because our styles suit each other.  Some of that is just because we’ve been together long enough to have learned each other.  I feel like you know me, as a lover, better than anyone else ever did.  And some of it is because you’re you.  I love everything that you do, because you’re the one doing it.  It means more, coming from you.  It turns me on, because it’s you.”

        “How’s my blowjob technique?” Chris asked.  To be honest, he was a little embarrassed to be asking that question.  On the other hand, they were going to be married, which meant that he was going to be the only person Howie would be having sex with for the rest of their lives.  It was up to him to make sure Howie had the best time possible.

        Howie smiled.  “Your mouth is the second most satisfying place on Earth.”

        “What’s the…oh.”  Oh.  Chris felt himself turning pink.  Well.  All right, then.  “Lucky me.”

        Howie’s smiled widened to show teeth.  “Lucky me,” he corrected.

        “But, technique-wise,” Chris said.  “Questions?  Comments?  Complaints?”

        “No complaints,” Howie said.  His thumb touched just beneath Chris’s lower lip.  “Your tongue is very…fast.”  A strange look came into Howie’s eyes, one Chris had remembered seeing before.  It was the same hypnotized, aroused, locked-in-intense-pleasure look that Howie had had that first night, their very first time together, when Chris’s fingers had pressed into Howie’s body.  “It’s also very…precise.”

        “My tongue,” Chris said, feeling that some response was appropriate, but not wanting to break the moment.

        “That’s what makes kissing you so intense,” Howie said.

        “Intense?” Chris asked.  No one had ever described kissing him as intense before.

        “The first time we kissed,” Howie said, “I wanted you.”

        Kissing implied some kind of desire, and since they’d had sex shortly thereafter, Chris had assumed that the kiss had been interesting enough to warrant further exploration.  Still, the way Howie was talking, it sounded like it had been better than the average kiss.

        “I never wanted anyone that way before,” Howie said.  “I felt so sure about you.”

        “Sure about what about me?” Chris asked.  This conversation was becoming more and more noteworthy.

        “We all had an unspoken agreement,” Howie said.  “Nick and Brian broke it, but you couldn’t keep Nick and Brian apart with a brick wall.  We all knew that we weren’t going to make it unless we were straight.  Whether we were gay or bi or asexual, it didn’t matter.  There are certain things you have to give up, certain concessions you have to make, and we knew that.  We were willing to make sacrifices for the group, for our success.  And then, when it was over, we could live whatever kind of life we wanted.”

        Chris nodded.  He and the rest of *NSYNC had had their own kind of don’t ask, don’t tell policy for a while.  It had sucked, in some serious ways, and it wasn’t like it was remotely fair, but it was understood that the good of the group was the most important thing.  Originally, “the good of the group” had translated into “the good of our wallets.”  Once that had changed into “the good of our music” and “the good of our friendship,” things had gotten a lot more open, and a lot better.

        “I had to live life as a straight man.  It wasn’t completely natural to me, but it wasn’t as hard as it could have been.  I’d been with guys before, before I joined the Backstreet Boys, but it was never emotional, and it wasn’t hard to give up.  I’ve always wanted to find someone I could have a future with, and to me, that meant a woman.”

        “You’ve been with other men,” Chris said.  He’d been wondering about that ever since he’d first touched Howie.

        “They were boys, really,” Howie said.  “I was a boy.  That was so long ago…”

        “And you…did things with them?” Chris asked.  “Kissed them, held hands, went to the movies?”

        “No, we didn’t kiss or hold hands or go on dates,” Howie said.  “It was mostly,” he hesitated, doing that cute half-uncomfortable nose wrinkle thing, “mostly blowjobs.”

        “You had anonymous gay sex,” Chris said.  He was fascinated, but also vaguely disturbed.  He didn’t like the idea of Howie’s body or Howie’s sexuality being devalued.  How anyone could have the opportunity to be with Howie sexually, and not honor or celebrate Howie’s beauty and uniqueness, bothered him.  Howie wasn’t just another nameless body.  Howie was Howie, somebody special.  Chris understood that there was a place and a time where casual, anonymous sex was exciting and hot, but that place wasn’t any place where Howie was.  “Did you…do that thing with the thing?”

        “Do what thing with what thing?” Howie asked.

        “The thing with the lubing and the thrusting and the ‘oh oh oh,’” Chris said.

        “I was a teenager, and when I met guys for blowjobs it was completely at random and semi-public.  It seemed like anal sex was too much to try when someone might walk in on us, and I wasn’t ready to start going home with guys.  I was trying to start a career of some kind, and I didn’t want that to be ruined by ‘hey, I know that guy, I fucked him last month.’  I was trying to follow my family’s wishes, too, and settle down with a nice girl.”

        “I was the first one?” Chris asked.  If so, he was glad he hadn’t known that at the time, because that would have been way too much pressure.

        Howie’s fingers stroked his widow’s peak.  “Chris, you’re the only one.”

        That didn’t sound right.  That couldn’t be true.  Chris wasn’t insanely jealous of AJ anymore, but he wasn’t stupid, either.

        Howie kept talking, like what he’d just said made perfect sense and didn’t require further comment.  “When 98 Degrees got shot onstage, I don’t know why, but it made me want to rebel.  I was so angry.  What had happened, it wasn’t right, it didn’t even make any sense.  I wanted to stand up for what I believed in, I wanted to stand up beside them.  Kevin and I talked about it, over and over again, going back and forth.  Should I come out, what was my true motivation, was I ready for what might happen, was it the right time.  We agreed that if I came out right then, it would be a great show of support, but at the same time, we were getting a lot of threats, and we were seriously afraid of some kind of copycat issue.  We decided I could wait, let things slow down a little, find the right time.”

        Chris was trying to listen, but his brain was mostly consumed with trying to figure out whether or not Howie was lying to him.

        “When we all got together for the awards, you were really annoying, but there was something about you.  I couldn’t get you out of my head.  I didn’t know what was going on.  All of a sudden, every time I turned around you were standing there staring at me, and if I turned around and you weren’t there, I wished you were.  I liked the attention.  We were about to separate, and I couldn’t be sure when I’d ever see you again, and by then anything could have happened.  I didn’t want to miss the opportunity.”

        Howie’s touch at his forehead, rubbing slowly, intimately, over his hairline, was so relaxing Chris could feel his spine melting.

        “I’d been acting exclusively straight for so long, I felt like I’d forgotten what it was like with guys.  I’d never kissed one before, but it seemed like the best place to start, because if you freaked out or someone caught us or I regretted it later, it would be an easier thing to handle than a blowjob.  I wasn’t sure how to approach you or how to bring it up, but you were nice enough to bring it up for me and save me the trouble.”

        “That took courage,” Chris said.

        “When we kissed, everything changed.”  Howie shook his head.  “That was more than just a kiss.  It felt good, it felt right, it felt like nothing I’d ever experienced before.  It made me want more, it made me want to experience everything I could with you, and it had to be immediately, or it wouldn’t happen at all.  I talked to Kevin, and told him what I’d decided, because if you freaked out or someone caught us I wanted him to have a heads-up.  He said that he wasn’t surprised.”

        “Why not?” Chris asked.  “I was shocked as hell.”

        “That first day, you came to my room, you were interested in me.”

        “Interested, I was fascinated.”

        “And you touched me.  You even wanted to kiss me.”

        “I wasn’t consciously thinking about kissing.  I was just so drawn to you, I wanted to be closer and closer and closer.”

        “Why did you come to my room?”

        “I wanted to see you.  To say hi.”

        “Why?”

        “Because…oh.”

        “Oh,” Howie agreed, smiling.

        “You mean I liked you before that?”

        “I mean, we liked each other before that,” Howie said.

        “From our last little get-together, in Kendig, when oh.  I see, I see,” Chris said.  “With everybody else hooking up, the five of us kept hanging out.  You and Justin and I had the movie marathon, you and Joey and I played cards, you and Kevin and I - - wait.  Hold, stop, rewind.  Is it my imagination, or did you and I spend all week together?”

        “Now you remember,” Howie said.

        “Now I remember,” Chris agreed.  “Whose fault was that?”

        “Yours,” Howie said.  “You kept showing up wherever I was.  I didn’t think about it, until later.  I kind of liked that you kept finding me to spend time with me.  I thought you were a lot of fun.  I always have.”

        “I had a crush on you,” Chris said.  “I had no idea.  I just kept thinking, oh, hey, let’s bounce on over to where Howie is, Howie’s fun, Howie’s pretty and sexy, he laughs at all of my jokes.”

        “You thought I was pretty and sexy?” Howie asked.

        “You are,” Chris said.  “Pretty and sexy is what I’m used to, anyway, hanging out with my people.  You just made me happy and tingly and excited in ways they didn’t.”  He realized what he was saying, and dropped his forehead to Howie’s chest, groaning.  “Stupid, stupid, blind, blind.”

        “I made you happy, tingly, and excited?” Howie asked, sounding like he wanted to laugh again.

        “You kept making me want to be around you all of the time,” Chris said.  “I wanted to be extra interesting and super funny so you’d think I was cool.”

        “You’re very cool, Chris,” Howie said.

        Chris gazed at Howie.  “I had a crush on you.”

        “Yes, you did,” Howie said.  “I don’t know what was going on in my head, but Kevin told me that for the next three weeks of the tour, every other sentence out of my mouth started with your name.  He said I was driving him crazy with it.”

        Chris smiled.  “You liked me.”

        “I’ve always liked you,” Howie said.  “I just started to like you more.  And more.  And more.”

        “So when we got back together, and I was all over you, no one was surprised.”

        “Except us,” Howie said.

        “I wasn’t surprised that I was all over you, I was just surprised that you were okay with the kissing and the sexing.”

        “I was surprised you were all over me,” Howie said.  “I wasn’t sure what you were thinking.  And I was so used to shutting down the gay half of my brain, I didn’t even think about anything happening between us.  Not consciously.  Not until we kissed.”

        “Best three minutes of my life,” Chris said.

        “Forty-four,” Howie said.

        “Forty-four what?” Chris asked.

        “Forty-four minutes,” Howie said.

        “That was not forty-four minutes,” Chris said.  “If it had been that long, I know I would’ve come in my pants, and I didn’t, so it wasn’t.”

        “It was forty-four minutes,” Howie said.

        “Why did you stop?” Chris asked.

        “I stopped because I was about to come in my pants,” Howie said.

        Chris laughed.

        “I wanted to touch you,” Howie said.

        “You were touching me,” Chris said.  “You touched me everywhere.”

        “Not everywhere,” Howie said.

        “I distinctly remember your hands on my ass.”

        “Do you remember my hands on your-”

        “Oh!  Shocking,” Chris said.  “No, I don’t remember you touching me there.  I would remember that, I think.”

        “I wanted to touch it,” Howie said.  “You kept grinding it against me, and it was hard, and I wanted to put my hand on it.”

        Speaking of getting hard, Chris shifted discreetly to get his dick off Howie’s thigh.

        “Being with you was so…  It was different, it felt more profound, somehow.  No one else made me feel that way, in bed or out of it.  Like every time I was with you, that was exactly where I was supposed to be.  Like every time I was anywhere else, that was wasted time, shallow emotion.  I was supposed to be with you.”

        “Everything’s brighter when I’m with you,” Chris said.  “Sharper.  Everything matters less when we’re apart.  Or maybe it just matters more when I’m with you.”

        “I wanted you to make love to me,” Howie said.  “I’d never done it before, and for years I’d decided it wouldn’t happen until after the group ended, but when we kissed, I knew.  You were the person I wanted it to happen with first.  No matter what else happened, no matter what, I wanted it to be you.”

        “I was sure you’d done it before,” Chris said.  “God, it felt good.  You were incredible.  I’d never worked that hard for an orgasm in my life.”

        “You earned it,” Howie said.

        “I was so in love with you,” Chris said.  “You dazzled me.  Not just in bed, all of the time.  I could sit back and watch you like you were on TV.”

        “I could tell,” Howie said.  “You’re still like that, and I still don’t understand it.”

        Chris gazed at Howie.  He still thought Howie was beautiful.  He still thought Howie was perfect.  He was still dazzled every day.  Every hour.  “If I hadn’t come to your room, we wouldn’t be here,” he said softly.

        Howie’s fingers touched his temple.  “Yes, we would be,” Howie said, just as softly.  “I was getting ready to go to your room.”

        Drew, pressed to Nick’s side, stroked Nick’s hair, the lines of Nick’s face.  “I love you, beautiful.”  His fingertips trailed down Nick’s nose.  “It’ll be all right.”

        “Baby?” JC murmured, halfway to sleep already.

        “I think we switched.”

        “Switched what?” JC asked, tucking his hand under Justin’s hip.

        “I just figured something out, and I need you to wake up.”

        JC sat up, opening his eyes.  “What is it?”

        Justin smiled.  “That worked.”

        “We switched something?” JC asked, not understanding.

        “You remember when I asked you who you’d be with other than me.”

        “Baby, it’s an impossible question.  I’m with you, and I don’t want to be with anyone else.”

        “I know, it’s not - - I’m not finding ways to make myself jealous,” Justin said.  “At the time, I was just curious.  But now, just listen.  You said Lance.  You wouldn’t let me say mine.”

        “I didn’t want to know,” JC said.  “It would only have hurt me, then, and baby, it’s a stupid question.  It’s ridiculous.”

        “But you knew who I would have said,” Justin said.  “You know me, JC, you could have figured it out.”

        “I knew who it was,” JC said.  “Yes, I knew, it was Brian.”

        “I knew you were attracted to Lance, and you knew I was drawn to Brian.  I wanted to know what it was about Lance that you were attracted to, and you wanted to know what it was about Brian that got to me.  And somewhere along the way, we switched.”

        “We switched?” JC asked.

        “If I asked you that question today, what would your answer be?” Justin asked.

        JC blinked.  “We switched.”

        “Yes,” Justin said.  “Because we’re crazy.”

        “We’re not crazy,” JC said.

        “Lance was trying to get to me tonight.  It was like he was seducing me, but not because he wanted me, just because it would upset you and me.  He started asking me questions, and he asked me that question.  He thought I was going to say Brian, and when I didn’t, he got confused.  He kept asking me, and I told him.  I told him it was him.  It shocked him or scared him or something, he ran off.”

        “He touched you?” JC asked, his voice sharp.

        “You know what a ridiculous, pointless question it is, and so do I, because we could give any answer and it wouldn’t matter.  Even if I ever looked at another man, it wouldn’t mean anything, because it would never compare to the way I look at you.  We don’t want anyone else.  We don’t think about other people the way we think about each other.  We’re on a different plane.”

        “He touched you,” JC said, clenching his hands into fists.  “He touched you.”

        “JC, no,” Justin said.  “If you’re mad at anyone, be mad at me.  I didn’t tell him to stop, and that was my responsibility.  He had one hand on my leg, he touched my neck, it wasn’t that bad.  I handled it badly, that’s my fault, but you can’t run around after me protecting my virtue.  Or protecting your property.”

        “I’ve let it go before, I’ve given him second chance after second chance, I’ve never been as hard on him as I wanted to be, and he keeps doing it!  He’s not doing it again,” JC said, beginning to leave the bed.  “This is the last fucking time!”

        “Josh, you get back here,” Justin said, grabbing his wrist and yanking him back.  “You’re not taking him out!  He’s getting closer to his breaking point, Joey’s drawing him back towards us, we’re so close!  We might get Lance back, JC.  We can’t send him spiralling away again.”

        “I don’t care!” JC shouted.  “He thinks he can do whatever he wants because we let him get away with everything!  If he’d been anyone else, I would have taken care of it the first time he ever disrespected you, but I’ve been letting it go.  I’ve let it go too many times!”

        “I’m fine,” Justin said.  “He didn’t attack me.  I could have said no at any point, I could have walked away whenever I wanted to.  I let him, and that’s my fault.  He was wrong, I was wrong, I handled it badly, he shouldn’t have done it.  But I feel like we’re almost there, JC, and I won’t let you drive him away again.  I miss Lance, JC.  I never see him, he never talks to me, when he does talk to me it’s not even real conversation.  It’s been a long time since Lance looked at me like a friend and not an enemy.  But Joey’s bringing him back to us.  Please.”

        “It’s been too many times,” JC said.  “Baby, I love you, I can’t let him treat you like this.  He chose this behavior, he chose to do it again, and I can’t keep letting it go.”

        “Let me talk to him first,” Justin said.  “Tomorrow, I’ll go talk to him.  You and Lance are closer, Chris and Lance are closer, Joey and Lance - - if I could just connect with him again, if I could just get him to talk to me.  You have to let me try.  If you go off on him, he’ll never come back to us again.  I know you, JC, if you go near him like this you’ll lose it.”

        “I can’t trust him,” JC said.

        “Yes, you can,” Justin said.

        “Not after tonight.”

        “You’re saying that because you’re upset,” Justin said.  “Once we get everything sorted out, once he starts making sense again, we’ll be okay.  He’ll get over this.  We’ll get Lance back again.”

        Except when it came to AJ.

        That was why, after the most incredible sexual event of his life to date, he found himself making love to AJ.  He explored, he adored, he took his time, and when he was ready, he made AJ scream like a banshee and come hard enough to shake the walls.

        When it was over, he watched AJ’s return to reality.  He’d always burned with hunger for the knowledge of what AJ looked like before, during, and after orgasm.  Now that he got to experience it for himself, he hated to miss a second of it.

        Chest heaving, skin flushed, AJ caught him watching and lifted one eyebrow in question.

        “Sex does things to you,” Kevin said, as though that explained even a tenth of what he was thinking.

        “You know me,” AJ said, panting slightly.  “I’m ecstasy’s bitch.”

        That was an interesting way to phrase it, and Kevin’s mind opened over new ideas.

        AJ sat up, taking one of Kevin’s pillows.  “I see your brain working, so I’ll let you know right now that that’s only a partial truth.  I’ll decide when I’m ready to tell you the whole truth.”

        “What truth?” Kevin asked, pulling him closer as he lay down, caressing his sated body.

        “I’m your bitch.”  AJ kissed the corner of his mouth.  “Good night,” AJ said, and rolled over.

        Kevin held him close, pressing a kiss to his shoulder.  “Good night,” Kevin said quietly.

        “You know you love me,” AJ said into the pillow.

        “I do love you,” Kevin said, stroking AJ’s back.  “I’d be bored as hell without you.”

        Quiet, amused laughter.  “Ain’t that the truth.”