Copyright April 2, 2002-February 23, 2004 by Matthew Haldeman-Time

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Thus far we've had JC/Justin, Nick/Drew/Brian, Nick/Jeff, Nick/Drew/Brian/Nick/Jeff, AJ/Lance, AJ/Howie, AJ/Kevin, Chris/Howie, and partridge/pear tree.

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashwriters.  It also is for Elizabeth and Jeff.

Notice: First, read "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," "Rest in Peace," "Destiny," and "Together." I know it sounds like a lot, but it'll only take you an hour or two.

        He walked to the bathroom doorway.  Nick was there, turned away from him, crouched beside the tub.  He moved closer, intending to go to Nick, but the floor squeaked beneath one foot, betraying him.

        Immediately, Nick said, “I’m fine.”  He didn’t sound fine; he sounded like he wanted to hit Drew for coming near him.  But he caught his breath evenly and stood, turning.  “I’m fine,” he insisted, his irritation false bravado.

        “I’m not,” Drew said, crossing his arms and leaning one shoulder against the doorjamb, shifting his weight to one leg and curling the bare toes of his other foot against the tile floor.  He tipped his head to one side, studying Nick.  “Tell me things you haven’t told me yet.”

        “About what?” Nick asked, still irritable, clearly not wanting to be trapped there.

        “About your family.”

        “I have parents and sisters and a brother,” Nick said.

        “I know that,” Drew said.  “Why haven’t I met any of them?”

        “You know why,” Nick said.

        “I did meet Aaron, once,” Drew said.  “A long time ago, before you ever looked at me.  I don’t even remember where we were, some Canadian TV show, maybe.  I wonder if he remembers that.”

        “I don’t know,” Nick said.  He moved restlessly.  “We don’t talk about you.”

        “Don’t?” Drew repeated.  “Can’t?”  He kept his voice calm and even.  “You’re not allowed to discuss me with your family?  Can you mention Brian?”

        “I can talk about the fellas,” Nick said.  “What we do as a group.”  He didn’t seem to know where to put his hands, or what to look at.

        “What happens if you talk about us?” Drew asked.

        “They won’t talk to me for a while.  I can’t visit.  Not until I’ve…calmed down.”

        Drew didn’t doubt that “calmed down” was not Nick’s term.  “You only see them twice a year as it is.”

        “They’re busy,” Nick said.  “I’m busy.”

        “Nick, how often do you call your family?” Drew asked.

        “I can call as often as I want,” Nick said.  He laughed.  “They just don’t have to answer.”

        Chris looked AJ up and down, then shook his hand.  “No problem.”

        “Congratulations?” Nick asked.  “Howie said yes?”

        “Of course he said yes, I’m a great catch.  Hey, what would you know about it?” Chris asked.

        “News travels fast,” Nick said, shaking his hand.  “Good work.”

        “Well, it’s your turn, congratulate me,” Chris said to Justin.

        “Congratulations, Chris,” Justin said.  “On what?”

        JC came in, tucking away his cell phone.  “Brian called.  He’s going to be late, and he wants us to start without him.”

        “Is he okay?” Justin asked.

        “I’m sure he’ll be fine,” JC said.  “He’ll be in as soon as he can.”

        He set his things by the door and walked down the hallway, checking the first floor.  He saw Drew in the bathroom doorway, and said, “Drew?” putting his hand on the small of Drew’s back, sliding around to look into the room.

        Nick glared at him with hot fury.

        Out of the corner of his eye, Brian was aware that Drew was glancing at him.  But Drew didn’t fully understand the situation and didn’t know how angry to be with him, and Brian couldn’t look away from Nick just yet.  It wasn’t safe.  “Tell me,” Brian said to Nick, unconsciously repeating the phrase he’d often used in bed.

        “You don’t know what you’ve done,” Nick said, almost seething with rage.  “You don’t know what you could’ve done!”

        “If I’d called, and anyone had found out I’d called, they would have cut you off,” Brian said.  “It could only have worked if I’d spoken directly to Aaron and he’d kept it secret, but since I haven’t spoken to him in years, I have no idea how likely that would be.  That’s why I didn’t make the call.  I had to figure out a way to do it without risking you.”

        “You can’t do this, you can’t even have that number!  I don’t have that number!  If they find out you’re tracking him down - - what were you doing, calling his girlfriends?  If they tell him, if word gets back-”

        “I told them that it was a surprise, and they swore secrecy.  Kimmy’s in love with me, she’d never break a promise to me.”

        “What about Rachel?  Or Candida?” Nick demanded.

        “What about your right to have your family at your wedding?” Brian asked, trying to keep his voice level.

        “I don’t have that right!” Nick shouted.

        “Everyone has that right,” Drew said, and Brian could see the honest pain in his eyes without even looking.

        “You don’t understand,” Nick told Drew.  “Your family doesn’t - - you don’t understand.”

        “Do you understand?” Brian asked Nick.

        “It’s bad for his career, I’m bad for his career,” Nick said.  “We can’t let it touch him, it’ll-”

        “That’s bullshit,” Brian said.  “Those are lies, Nick.  It’s not about Aaron’s career, that’s an excuse.”

        “What the hell do you know about my family?” Nick demanded.  “They have to, I have to-”

        “You’ve let your family devastate you and cast you out like a damned sinner for the sake of his career?” Brian asked.  “Do you really believe that?”

        “It’s Aaron,” Nick said, faltering, confused.

        “You have to believe that,” Brian said, answering his own question.  “You have to believe that it’s for Aaron, because otherwise, there’s no greater cause, and they’re just hating you and damning you and rejecting you for who you are.”

        “I’m not compromising his career!” Nick shouted.  “I would never do that to him!”

        “Nick,” Drew said, hurting for him.  “Everyone knows you would never hurt him, but look at what they’ve done to you.”

        “Let’s sit down,” Brian said.  “We have to have that conversation now.”

        Kevin opened the door.  “Come in.  How was the big date last night?”

        Howie smiled.  “I had a good time.”

        “It feels like decades ago,” Brian said.  “So much has happened since then, it seems like thirty years or more.”

        Nick shifted with obvious impatience.

        “When you and I became lovers, we kept it private,” Brian said.  “Just between the two of us, then just between the five of us.  But things happened, and you’ve never been very good at hiding your feelings.  Eventually, management found out, and so did your family.”

        “Yeah,” Nick said.  “So?”

        “They gave us a little bit of time.  I think that they were waiting for us to get it out of our systems.  The five of us were more successful with every passing day, and no one wanted to interfere with that.”

        Drew’s gaze flickered from Brian to Nick and back again.  He was beginning to see where this was leading.

        “But the bigger we got, the more we had to lose.  If anyone found out that we were gay, or involved, everything would be over,” Brian said.  “Things are different now.  Society is slightly, slightly more accepting, we’re a lot bigger, and everyone we know is out right along with us.  Back then, we weren’t this big quite yet, and we would have been alone.  The Backstreet Boys would have been over.  No one was willing to risk that.”

        Nick was scowling.

        “I was called in, alone, to a meeting,” Brian said.  “Me, our management, and your parents.  Things were made…very clear to me.”

        Nick’s head snapped up; his eyes were wide and too bright with sudden, too clear understanding.

        “I struggled with it, Nick, I fought with it.  I fought with them.  We were there for hours.  It got so ugly, so fast…”

        Drew couldn’t move.  Couldn’t imagine.

        “They let me know that, in the end, I didn’t have a choice.”

        Nick started breathing again, loud in the silence of Brian’s pause.

        “I couldn’t do it their way, Nick.  I tried to think of any way around it possible, any way at all.  I went to Kevin, and I told him that I was leaving.”

        “Leaving,” Nick repeated, already realizing.

        “Leaving the Backstreet Boys.”

        Nick couldn’t even speak.

        “It wouldn’t have worked, it wouldn’t have solved the real problems.  If I left, they still would have wanted us apart, and they would’ve been able to do it.  At least if I stayed, we could still be friends.  I couldn’t lose you, Nick.  I couldn’t let go of you, not that completely.  Never see you again?  Never speak to you in my life?  And I couldn’t abandon you.  Not like that.  And with me gone, you could’ve found a replacement, someone else to fill my spot, but Kevin wouldn’t let me go.  He wouldn’t let me even talk about leaving.  He said without me, no matter who else they had, they’d never be the Backstreet Boys.”

        “So you did what they wanted,” Drew said.

        “I told Nick that our relationship was interfering with the group dynamic,” Brian said.  “I said that if anyone ever found out that we were together, it would destroy the Backstreet Boys, and I couldn’t let that happen.  I said that it was time for us to focus on our career.  I said that we would always be friends.”

        “You told me that you were straight,” Nick said.

        “I said that I’d never been with another man before you, and that I’d never be with another again,” Brian said.

        “That meant you were straight!”

        “That meant that I loved you and I could never be with any man who wasn’t you!”  Brian closed his eyes, taking a deliberately calming breath.  He opened his eyes again, speaking in a more controlled voice.  “Your happiness mattered more to me than my own.  I could never have been complete without you, but you could never have been complete without your family.  You’re closer to your family than anyone I’ve ever known.  No one loves his brother more than you love yours.”

        Drew watched white-hot pain cross Nick’s features in a split-second flash.  Nick was far too practiced at suppressing that particular pain.

        “They told me that they would abandon you,” Brian said.  “They told me that they would disband the Backstreet Boys, yank all of our funding, cut all of our support.  I couldn’t let my love and my happiness destroy everything we’d all worked for.  I couldn’t do that to Howie or AJ or Kevin, and I could never do that to you.  I thought that if I ended our relationship, you’d be safe.  I thought that I could live with that heartache, as long as I still had your friendship.”

        “Yeah, how’d that work for you?” Nick demanded.  “It was hell for me.”

        “I could have withstood anything for your sake,” Brian said.  “What hurt me most was that it didn’t work.  Your family began to withdraw from you, bit by bit.  They didn’t trust you.  They were afraid of scandal, they were afraid of exposure.  They avoided me like the plague.  I thought it was because they were worried I’d tell you about our bargain, but maybe it was simply because I’m bi.”

        “They’re not homophobic,” Nick said.

        “Do you believe that?” Brian asked.

        “It’s not about that, they would embrace me if they could, it’s society,” Nick said.

        “You don’t believe that,” Drew said.  “I know you know better.  I know you’re smarter and stronger than that.”

        “They made every sacrifice I’d made null and void,” Brian said.  “Slowly, they took themselves out of your life.  It was all for nothing.  I tried to stay away from you, hoping that if they saw me keeping my distance they’d come back to you.  By the time I realized that they had no intention of ever accepting you again, it was too late.  You were too far from me.  I thought that maybe, if I tried to explain, or if I went to you again, maybe you’d take me back.  I wanted to go to you, I almost did, I was so close, Nick.”

        “What stopped you?” Nick asked, his tone at once accusing and defensive.

        “I was too late,” Brian said.  “You were in love with Drew.  You’d found love again, and my world went up in flames.”

        “I would have backed out,” Drew said.  “I would have given him back to you.  He always was yours.”

        “No,” Brian said.  “I proved myself unworthy.  He was in love with you, and you weren’t going to break his heart.”

        “So that’s it,” Nick said.  “That’s what happened.  All of this behind my back.  All of this, and you never told me.  You should have told me!” he shouted.  “You should have fucking told me!”

        “That I was being blackmailed?” Brian demanded.  “By the people you loved and trusted?”

        “Yes!” Nick shouted.  “It was my life!  My life!  All of you sitting around dealing and bargaining over my life!”

        “I never could have asked you to make those choices!”

        “So you made them for me?!”

        “Yes!” Brian yelled.  “I would do it again, I would do it all over again, only this time I would make them follow through on their end of it.  I would make them love you the way you deserve to be loved!”

        “I deserve to be respected!  I deserve to have some kind of say in what happens to me!  You walked away from me, they walked away from me, no one ever told me fucking why!  I just wanted to know why!”  One tear finally slipped free, then another; Brian reached for him.  “No!”  Nick pushed Brian back.  “No, get the fuck off me!  I don’t even want to know you right now.”  He turned away.  “I don’t even want to love you right now.”  Nick slammed out of the room.

        “He didn’t mean that,” Drew said quickly, trying to negate the impact of those words.  Brian looked hollow around the eyes and very much in danger of losing his increasingly thin grip on calm control.  “He didn’t mean it,” Drew repeated.  “He’s-”

        “Go,” Brian said.  “Go, go.  He needs you.”

        “Don’t go anywhere,” Drew said.  “Stay here.”  He hurried after Nick.

        Brian reached behind himself for the edge of the sofa, sitting there momentarily before slipping down to the floor.  “Oh, God,” he whispered, and looked to the doorway where Nick had gone.  “Oh, please.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.”

        “If he wanted to propose to you that badly, why did it take him this long to do it?” Kevin asked.

        “He wasn’t ready,” Howie said.  “I thought that it was me, and I still believe that part of it was, but it was also him.  He wasn’t ready.  He had doubts and insecurities and questions, and I couldn’t answer all of them for him.  He had things to work out himself.”

        “Is he ready now?” Kevin asked.

        Howie smiled.  “Yes.  He’s happier now.  He’s more confident.  There’s something in his eyes.”  And in his touch, and in the way he made love, but Howie didn’t have to share everything with Kevin.

        Since running out through the front door would have been pointless, Nick ran up the stairs instead.  At the top of the stairs he turned in the wrong direction and went to the guest room, shutting the door and sitting on the bed.  He wanted to be left alone.  He wanted to be fucking alone.

        Blackmailed Brian.  They’d blackmailed Brian.  They’d used him to hurt Brian, and forced Brian to hurt him.

        Brian’s reasons for breaking up with him always had been vague, and had never really satisfied him.  Brian had dumped him too suddenly, and all that talk of business had confused the hell out of him.  That had never mattered to Brian before.  The Brian who’d kissed him for hours and told him that he was the reason the moon shone brightly, because it was competing with the sun for his attention, never could have broken his heart that coldly.

        Lies.  It had all been lies.  Lies and blackmail and no one he could trust.

        He sat there for a while, lost in confused, twisting thoughts.  Suddenly he heard a knock at the door.  “Nick.  I’m coming in,” Drew said.

        Nick cleared his throat.  “No.  No!”

        “I’m coming in,” Drew repeated, and the knob turned.  “I don’t want you to be alone.”

        Hurriedly, Nick wiped at his tears.  He didn’t want to see Drew.  He didn’t want to see anyone.  He wanted to be alone, to think about everything, to decide what to do.  Should he confront his family?  It couldn’t estrange them any further than they already were.

        The door opened, and Drew closed it again, coming right over to him, embracing him tightly.  Nick squeezed his eyes shut, gripping Drew a little too hard.  Drew said nothing, made no demands, simply kept him trapped in a hug of support.  Drew was strong, Drew was all muscle, so maybe he could let Drew take some of this burden from him, just for a minute.  Nick soaked up Drew’s love and strength until the fresh wave of pain passed and he could breathe again.  Then Drew let go, sitting beside him, quietly respecting his silence.

        Drew was here.  That helped, a little.  Nick studied the carpeting.  He didn’t know what he was supposed to be doing.  He didn’t even know what to think.  Should he be yelling?  If he was supposed to be yelling, what was he supposed to yell, and who was he supposed to be yelling at?  If Drew got mad enough, Drew threw things.  Maybe he should throw something; maybe that would make him feel better.  But was he mad?  He didn’t feel mad, not exactly.  Or he did, but the anger was mixed up with a dozen other emotions, and he didn’t know which one to focus on first.

        “I’m sorry,” Drew said.

        Nick cleared his throat.  “Yeah.”

        “You had no idea?”

        He watched Drew’s toes scrunch in the carpet.  “No fucking clue.”

        Drew’s shoulder leaned against his.

        He leaned into Drew, too, a little.

        “Brian thought that it would hurt more to be abandoned by your family and management than to be abandoned by him,” Drew said.  “I think he was right.”

        What?  Drew, now, too?  “He wasn’t right, he was fucking wrong.”

        “Losing Brian would always hurt, but you would learn to love again,” Drew said.  “Losing your family?  You can’t replace family.”

        “I have the fellas.”

        “You would have lost your career and the Backstreet Boys.  There’s a certain point in the life of any group where you know that you’ll always be a part of each other’s lives, no matter what.  But you may not have been at that point yet.  If your career had ended, your brotherhood might have ended.”

        “What are you saying?” Nick asked.  He was surprised that he didn’t sound angry.  “Brian did the right thing?”

        Silence from Drew.  Then, “Yes and no.  He made the right decision.  What he did, he shouldn’t have done, but he couldn’t have done it any other way.”

        Nick frowned, shaking his head.  “That doesn’t make sense.”

        “He should have talked to you about it.  It was your life and your future and your happiness at stake.  But he couldn’t tell you about it.  Management, we’ve all been in this business long enough to know that there are very few managers you can trust.  Being betrayed by the people running your career is something we all have to live with.  But your family?  Your own parents?  Nick, there was no way that Brian could have told you that.  I just spent this morning telling you that I would always tell you everything, and I’m not sure I could have told you that.”

        “He made all of my decisions for me,” Nick said.  “If my family wasn’t willing to love me if I was with him, they were going to find other reasons not to love me.  Brian left me and I had no Brian, no family, nothing.”

        “Brian was still your friend.  And he didn’t know that your family was going to leave no matter what he did.  Maybe they didn’t even know.  Nick, I really think that Brian didn’t believe that they were serious.  I think that he thought they were pushing and blackmailing him just to break you up, but that they would never truly withhold their affection.”

        “Yeah, well, they did,” Nick said.  “He left me and it still didn’t matter.  They started pulling away from me.  It wasn’t all at once, it was slowly, slowly.  They wouldn’t answer the phone as often, or they couldn’t visit this week, or they had to spend more energy on Aaron because he was young and solo.  It took me so long to realize what was happening, one day I just looked up and realized the people who defined the first half of my life had stopped returning my calls.”

        “It’s not because of Brian or Aaron or what society might think,” Drew said.  “It’s because they’re homophobic and they don’t understand.  They hung all of their hopes on you, Nick, they were grooming you, and you turned out to be your own person after all.  That shocked them, and it disappointed them, and that is their problem.  Now they’re hanging all of their hopes on Aaron, pushing him twice as hard as they pushed you, because they’re terrified.  Nick, I guarantee you, I promise you, they’re destroying him.”

        “They spent so much time and energy on me, all of those classes and auditions and shows.  All of that money.  They put me first for so long, Drew.  I’m their failure, I’m their disappointment.  They did all of that work and I turned out gayer than JC in a pride parade.”

        “It is not your fault,” Drew said.  “You are who you are, Nick, and you should never have to hide that or apologize for it.  How many times have you told me that, with conviction in your voice and a defiant, proud gleam in your eye?”

        “You’ve never destroyed anyone’s dreams.  They were counting on me!”

        “How have you failed them?” Drew asked.  “How?  By destroying the Backstreet Boys?  I guess those multi-platinum albums and those sold-out shows are really dragging down your career.  You’re a millionaire, you’re world-famous, you break records, you win awards.  Your fans love you.  Your friends love you.  You’ve created your own family, your own unique circle.  You’re loving and generous, you push for the truth wherever you go, you’re always true to yourself and true to others, and you’ve never shied away from being exactly who you are.  You’re beautiful, Nick, beautiful, and anyone who doesn’t love you is missing out on something wonderful.”

        “They were counting on me,” Nick said.

        “They were right to count on you.  You’ve succeeded beyond anyone’s wildest expectations.”

        “I could’ve been straight.  I could’ve pretended.”

        “They would have been wrong to ask you to do that.”

        “I could’ve done it,” Nick insisted.

        “Do you know how much it hurts to pretend to be someone you’re not?”

        Nick shook his head.  “I would’ve been okay.”

        “It would have torn you apart.”

        “Brian should have told me.”

        “I know that, but he couldn’t do it.”

        “Kevin should have told me,” Nick said, refusing to give in to this back-and-forth.

        “Kevin looks after you.  He’s protective.  Brian and Kevin knew that you were going to be hurt very badly, no matter what happened.  They had to pick the lesser of the evils, and they did.  They made the best of the wrong choices.”

        “Why did they leave me?” Nick asked.  “Brian broke up with me, he did what they asked.  They left me anyway.”

        “I’m sorry,” Drew said.

        Nick bit his thumbnail.

        “I really don’t understand it,” Drew said.  “I look for reasons to fall in love with you, I beg for excuses.”

        “They wanted me to stop loving Brian,” Nick said.

        “Yes,” Drew said.

        “They wanted me never to love you.”

        “Yes,” Drew said.

        “If I’d done what they wanted, I wouldn’t even know you.  I wouldn’t have tried to hit on you.  We wouldn’t even be friends, Drew.”

        “No, we wouldn’t be,” Drew agreed quietly.

        “When Brian dumped me, and we were supposed to be friends…  It’s so hard to be friends with Brian, just friends.  After loving him, and having him love me like that.  It was Brian’s body that I learned how to make love on.  It was Brian who let me look into his eyes and feel like the center of the universe and the reason for everything.  Brian taught me so much, and showed me so much about myself, and gave me the world in a touch.  When I had Brian, I had everything.  I was never alone.”

        “I know that when Brian broke up with you, he did it in a bad way,” Drew said.  “But there was no good way.  Your relationship was too strong.  You knew how much he loved you.  That’s why his leaving was that hard to accept.  Brian loved you as much as you loved him, and there was no way he’d ever leave you.”

        “He told me that,” Nick said.  “He’d tell me he’d never leave me, he’d tell me he’d always love me, he’d tell me nothing would ever come between us.  We weren’t just lovers, we were best friends, we were so close we could be one person sometimes.”

        “As painful as Brian leaving you was, having your family betray you would have been worse.”

        “Brian betrayed me,” Nick said.

        “Brian sacrificed out of love,” Drew said.  “He gave you up because that’s how much he loved you.  He was going to leave the Backstreet Boys for you, if it meant you’d be safe and happy.”

        “He should have told me.”

        “He couldn’t have told you.  Brian couldn’t have lived with himself if he thought he’d done anything to damage your bond with your family.  Nick, I knew how close you were to your family, and I didn’t even know you.”

        “He lived with himself just fine after he dumped me.”

        “Because he’d done the right thing.  Nick, you don’t know how hard it was for Brian.  You know how painful the break-up was for yourself, but you don’t know what it was like for him.”

        “He was fine,” Nick said.  “That’s what hurt so damned much, that he was fucking fine with it.”

        “Was he?” Drew asked.  “Brian wasn’t going to let you see his pain, Nick, but you know Brian better than anyone.  Was he fine?”

        Nick struggled, but had to admit the truth.  “No.”

        He could feel Drew looking at him.  Drew’s hand came to his back.  “There are a lot of people who love you for exactly who you are.  I’m one of them.  I will never for a second regret having you in my life.  I just wish you’d come into it earlier.”

        Nick turned suddenly, hugging Drew tight and close.  Drew had never betrayed him, never lied to him, never kept things from him.

        “I’m sorry,” Drew said, and he felt Drew’s arms tighten around him.

        All of those nights in Drew’s embrace.  All of this time, moments giving way to hours, months turning into years, with Drew’s “I love you” coming to him soft like truth over the phone or whispered just before a kiss.  Drew was the one thing in his life that he’d had first, the one thing in his life he could point to as something he’d done.  That was why he made damned sure he always did right by Drew.

        But he was that for Brian, wasn’t he?  What Brian had had first.  What Brian always put first.

        He was angry at Brian, and he was confused.  He didn’t want to have to face hard truths, truths that hurt, and he was irrationally pissed at Brian for bringing those truths to him at the same time he was pissed at Brian for not having told him sooner.

        But things that had always been painfully unclear to him now were beginning to make sense.

        Brian did love him.  Always had.  Never had stopped.

        Brian hadn’t left him for business or for women.  Brian hadn’t left him because Brian had stopped loving him.  Brian had left him because Brian did love him, because Brian had wanted to hurt him a little instead of hurting him a lot.

        What Brian hadn’t known was that, in the end, there had been no lesser of evils.  There had been great pain in store for Nick no matter what Brian had done.

        For most young men, losing a first lover or losing a best friend would be painful.  Very painful.  It would cause heartbreak; it would cause angst-filled nights of poorly written poetry and a few ugly scenes.  Nick had experienced those for himself.  But he and Brian weren’t merely best friends or lovers, weren’t merely best friends and lovers.  There was something between them that went beyond that, that was deeper and broader than any definition Nick could attempt.  Losing Brian had been like losing himself, losing his limb or his life or his soul.  They were one, two halves of one, not even separate halves but intertwined, never to be separated.  Being separated from Brian had quite literally traumatized him.

        But Brian had wanted him to feel betrayed by his lover and best friend, not by his family.  Brian would rather have him think badly of Brian, than of the real people who were threatening his happiness.  Brian had sacrificed him, and sacrificed the way he’d see Brian for the rest of his life.  What he’d taken as Brian’s betrayal had been Brian’s ultimate gift of love.

        He would never have given up Brian, not even for his family.  Brian had made that choice for him.

        Brian had shown his true colors.  In return, Nick’s family had showed its true colors.

        Feet still on the floor, Nick leaned forward, tilting Drew back until Drew landed gently on the mattress.  With his arms wrapped around Drew and his face in Drew’s neck, he whispered, “I’ll take care of you, I promise.  I’ll never let anything happen to you.”

        “Nothing’s going to happen to me,” Drew said.  “This isn’t about me.”  Drew’s foot nudged his hip; he lifted slightly, and Drew squirmed around a little to get beneath him entirely, pelvis to pelvis, thighs raised around his hips.  “You’re going to be okay,” Drew said, stroking the back of his neck, up into his hair, down over his shoulders.  “I’m beside you through whatever you want to do.”

        “I don’t know,” Nick said.  “I don’t even know how I feel yet.”

        “That’s okay,” Drew said, fingers running through his hair in a repetitive, soothing motion.  “It’s still new.  You can figure this out at your own pace.”

        “I love you so much,” Nick said.  “I might never have had you.”

        “We were meant to be together,” Drew said.  “I believe that.  You and Brian were put on earth to complete each other, and I’ll never doubt that, but I was meant to connect with that in some way, no matter what.  You would have found me.”

        “I’m only half of something much bigger,” Nick said.

        “I know,” Drew said softly.  “Not just bigger.  Huge.  Incomprehensible.”

        “Sometimes there are things in Brian’s eyes,” Nick said.  “I think he sees more than we do.”

        “I think so, too,” Drew said.  “But we all see the world differently.”

        “The sky is blue in my world,” Nick said.  “What color is it in yours?”

        He could hear Drew’s smile.  “The sky is as blue as your eyes and almost as beautiful as you are.”

        Nick rolled the eyes in question.  “My eyes are lighter than that and you know it.”

        “Yeah, I’ve noticed sometimes the sky’s tint is off.”

        “The tint is off,” Nick repeated.

        “Yeah.”

        “On the sky.”

        Drew sighed, like it was a real shame things were screwed up like that.  “Yeah.”

        Nick had to smile.  Drew was nuts.

        “I always wished you’d talk about your family,” Drew said.  “I don’t know anything about them, nothing at all.  I’ve tried to ask, but most of the time you won’t even answer my question before you change the subject.  And every time you come back after you visit them, you’re so quiet, and your eyes are so sad…”

        “If you’d known me before, you would’ve thought my family was my life,” Nick said.  “We were always together.  Especially Aaron, you couldn’t get us away from each other.”

        “You know that your sisters weren’t old enough to make these decisions for themselves,” Drew said.

        “I guess.”

        “Love doesn’t just vanish,” Drew said.

        “No, but it can change into other things.”  Nick sighed.  “Drew, this sucks.  I wish I didn’t know.  Can you magically rewind time?”

        “You wanted to know,” Drew said.  “We fought Brian for this.  He even told me we shouldn’t be pushing for something unless we’re sure we’re ready for it.  He could have told you at any point along the way, and it would have solved a lot of problems, but he wasn’t willing to hurt you with the truth.  It was his burden, and he bore it without complaint.”

        “‘Bore it without complaint,’” Nick repeated.  “Stop talking like him.”

        “I don’t mean to make him sound like a martyr,” Drew said.

        “Brian loves to martyr himself,” Nick said.  “He carries around a big cross everywhere he goes, just in case.”

        “That’s not fair,” Drew said.  “It’s not true.”

        “I know.  I take it back.”  Nick rubbed his forehead against Drew’s shoulder.  “I want to hate him for this, but I can’t even muster up a good attitude.”

        “He did it for you,” Drew said.  “Whether what he did was wrong or right, he did it for you, out of love.  Brian protects the people he loves, and I don’t fault him for that.”

        “Maybe I have to think about it more,” Nick said, “but there were only so many things he could have done, and they all pretty much suck.”

        “Do you think that Kevin would have let him pick the wrong door?” Drew asked.

        “Door?” Nick asked.  “Oh, that’s a metaphor.  Stop laughing.”

        “Sorry,” Drew said, and laughed just a little bit more in his ear.

        “I don’t know,” Nick said, going back to the question.  “I guess not.  Kevin’s…Kevin.  He lets us screw up our own lives to a point, but he wouldn’t let Brian jack me over like that if he saw a better way to do things.  If he had a better plan, and he couldn’t make Brian do it, he would’ve done it on his own.  He would’ve come to me, too.  I guess he didn’t come to me because he agreed with Brian.”

        “Does that make you feel any better at all?” Drew asked.

        “Maybe,” Nick said, weighing how he felt.  “It makes me not want to go confront Kevin as badly.  I do want to talk to him, though.”

        “I think there’s someone else you should talk to first.”

        Brian.  Nick tugged on a spike of Drew’s hair.  “I don’t know what to say to him.”

        Drew was relaxed and comfortable beneath him, sliding a finger just inside the collar of his shirt.  “Yes, you do.”

        “I don’t.”

        “You do,” Drew argued mildly.

        “If I don’t, I don’t,” Nick said.  “You can’t say that I do.”

        “I can say whatever I want,” Drew said.

        “You’re so irritating,” Nick muttered.

        Drew patted his back.  “Get used to it.”

        “When?” Kevin repeated.  “Don’t you mean, am I, period?”

        “No, I mean when,” Howie said.

        “What makes you think I’m going to propose to AJ?” Kevin asked.

        “Some things are inevitable.”  Howie paused, letting Kevin’s blood pressure rise, then added, “I never said you were the one who would propose.”

        “You’ve been engaged for a whole twelve hours now, and you’re the expert,” Kevin said.

        “Good luck in advance,” Howie said.  “Committing yourself to AJ for life is a brave step.”

        “Committing yourself to AJ for an entire afternoon is a brave step,” Kevin said.  “God, he’s a challenge.”

        “AJ is a handful,” Howie agreed.

        “A screaming toddler is a handful,” Kevin said.  “AJ is an emotional and psychological natural disaster.”

        “What does that make you?” Howie asked.

        “A tornado chaser,” Kevin said.  “The idiot who grabs his surfboard and heads out onto the water when he hears there’s a damned typhoon coming.”  He rubbed his forehead, then dropped his hand and looked at Howie.  “I must be insane.”

        “You’re also in love with him,” Howie said.

        “I don’t think of myself as boring, or a homebody, but beside AJ, I look like…”

        “A stick in the mud with a stick up his ass?” Howie finished for him.

        “Nick?” Kevin guessed.

        “Nick,” Howie said.

        “Remind me to thank him for that,” Kevin said.

        “You’re not boring,” Howie said.  “AJ’s a little colorful, and I think we all feel a little less exciting by comparison, but that doesn’t mean you’re boring.  It just means that AJ can liven you up.  Let him.”

        “What about you?” Kevin asked.  “Is Chris livening you up?”

        Howie smiled.  “Chris could liven up an explosion at a confetti factory.  Chris could liven up a clown convention on slapstick day.  He definitely brings color and energy to my life.”

        “The two of you are very different,” Kevin said.

        “His sense of humor is better than mine, and my sense of style is sharper than his, but I think we’re looking for the same things in life,” Howie said.  “Someone who can give us what we always felt like we were missing, and a few things we didn’t even know we needed.”

        “I’m always here for you, whenever you need me,” Drew said.  “That’s what I do.”

        “I should talk to Brian,” Nick said, “but I don’t think I’m ready.”

        “You can’t keep him waiting indefinitely,” Drew said.

        “You go talk to him,” Nick said.

        “I don’t think he’s downstairs biting off his nails panicked that he’ll lose me,” Drew said.

        “He knows he’s not going to lose me,” Nick said.

        “Good,” Drew said.

        Nick frowned a little.  “You think he’s worried about that?”

        “I think right now all Brian knows is he’s kept a painful secret from you for years, and you walked out of the room telling him that you don’t want to be in love with him anymore.  But I’m sure he’ll draw the right conclusions from that.”

        “Shut up,” Nick said.

        Drew hummed to himself.

        Nick tugged on Drew’s elbow.

        Drew straddled Nick’s lap, sitting with his chest to Nick’s, his arms around Nick’s waist, his chin on Nick’s shoulder.

        “You’re being very nice to me,” Nick said.

        “I love you,” Drew said.

        “How hard was it for Brian to live with this big secret for years?” Nick asked.

        “I think that knowing how hurt you were, and being cast as the villain in your life, was hard for him,” Drew said.

        “Do you think that now that we know why he ruined my life, that makes it okay that he did it?” Nick asked.

        “No,” Drew said.  “But I think that it makes your future together a whole lot smoother.  It can’t erase the pain and doubts from the past, but now you can see a future without that looming over you and coming between you.”

        Nick held Drew, thinking.

        Drew waited patiently.

        “You know I thought he stopped loving me,” Nick said.  “I thought he broke up with me because he just didn’t want to be with me anymore.  I loved him, I was completely in love with him, and he didn’t want to be with me.  How could I love him that much, and that wasn’t enough to make him want me anymore?  I thought maybe I wasn’t interesting anymore, maybe he was bored with me.  Maybe I wasn’t good-looking enough or old enough or smart enough or experienced enough.  Maybe the sex wasn’t good enough or I wasn’t mature enough.  I knew I embarrassed Kevin, maybe Brian was embarrassed by me, too.  Maybe if I could just say the right thing or wear the right clothes or just get his attention again, maybe he might give me another chance, even for a little while.”

        “He still loved you,” Drew said softly.  “Nick, he’s always loved you.”

        Nick could imagine kissing Drew, just then.  Kissing Drew, laying Drew down across the bed, making love.  It would be easy, it was tempting.  Why shouldn’t he take a little break from this, ease his pained confusion, lose himself in Drew?

        Brian was waiting for him downstairs, but he didn’t know what to say to Brian.  He didn’t even know what to say to himself.

        This project was going to take a lot of work, and not the kind of work Justin was used to doing.  It was true that he’d never hung wallpaper or laid tile or painted walls or chosen color schemes before, but he was a fast learner.  Look at how naturally he’d learned to play the guitar.  Besides, he’d never had sex with a man before JC, and he was damned good at it now.

        Justin smiled to himself as he marked off the bathrooms.  He remembered those early, fumbling times as he’d learned how to please JC.  He’d been great at sex with women, but with men, it was so different, he hadn’t known what JC might like or what to avoid.  But JC had treated him like he was already experienced, already proficient, and JC had coached him so naturally, he’d thought he was learning extra tips and tricks, not the basics.

        This house had too many rooms.  He didn’t know what to do with all of them.  He’d have to talk to JC to get some ideas.

        He planned to have JC in mind when he decorated each and every room.  He wanted to pick colors JC liked and furniture JC liked, to make rooms JC would want to inhabit.  JC had bought this house as a gift for him, and he wanted to decorate the house as a gift for JC.

        He’d handled things badly.  Very badly.  He’d accused and fought and run.  He’d asked for divorce.  He’d been afraid, and he’d lashed out, and he’d had the wrong reaction to everything.  He hadn’t tried to understand JC, because he’d been too busy trying to protect himself.  He should have spent that energy trying to protect JC.

        Now he could admit that, with everything that had been wrong with their relationship, he’d been just as to blame as JC.  He had to accept half of the responsibility.  He’d pushed JC in certain directions; he’d demanded certain behaviors.  He had been just as much a manipulative bastard as JC had been, and JC was just as susceptible to his manipulative bastardness as he was to JC’s.

        He was to blame.

        He’d been at fault.

        So now that they were making things better, working towards a healthier future, he had to accept half of the workload.  He had to do his share.  Of course that meant a lot of emotional and psychological overhaul, but it also meant physically doing things for JC.

        Justin admired his floor plans.  “I love you, JC.”

        He and Nick were one.  Nothing could break that.  They would always be connected.

        No matter what Nick decided.

        Even if Nick decided to leave him.

        Brian closed his eyes, tightening his grip on the handrail.

        Nick wouldn’t leave him.  Not over this.  Nick would understand.  He was being irrational.

        Taking a deep breath, Brian mounted the last few steps, coming to a stop in the hallway.

        The door to their bedroom was open, and the light was off.  No one was in there.

        The door to the guest bedroom was closed.

        Brian hesitated.  Maybe he should give Nick a little more time.  It had to be a lot to process.

        Nick was in pain.  He wanted to ease that pain.  It was hard to give Nick space.

        But Nick was in good hands.  Drew would know what to do.

        He could trust Drew.

        Brian sat there in the hallway, leaning back against the wall, and waited.

        “You’re not even seeing me,” Drew said.  His voice was intrigued, curious.  “You’re thinking about Brian?”

        “How can you tell?” Nick asked.

        “Something happened behind your eyes,” Drew said.  “You went somewhere else.”

        “You’ve looked at Brian before,” Nick said.

        “Once or twice,” Drew agreed.

        “Did you notice his one eyebrow grows funny?”

        “Right here,” Drew said, touching the inside corner of Nick’s right eyebrow.

        Nick smiled.  “I forgot.”

        “Forgot what?” Drew asked.

        “That you’re a Brian groupie.”

        “I’m going to let that go,” Drew said, “because you’re under emotional distress and don’t know what you’re saying.”

        “You’re very butch,” Nick said.

        “Manly,” Drew said.  “Yes, I’m very manly.”

        Nick laughed.

        “Yes,” Drew confirmed.

        “I like that about you, though,” Nick said.  “All of that macho masculine stuff.  It’s sexy.”

        “Thank you,” Drew said.

        “You think Brian’s more butch than I am, don’t you?” Nick asked.

        “Brian is more traditionally masculine,” Drew said.

        “I’m butcher than JC,” Nick said.

        “Yes,” Drew said.

        “Score.”

        Drew smiled.

        “Would it be wrong for us to make love right now?” Nick asked.

        “I think it would be better for you to go talk to Brian,” Drew said.

        “I’ll just kiss you a little bit,” Nick said.

        Drew’s eyes were understanding.  “I think you should talk to Brian.”

        “Maybe.”

        Drew rolled off of him, sitting up.

        Nick sighed, standing.

        “It’ll be okay,” Drew said.

        “At least wish me luck or something.”

        Drew stood, pressing a kiss to Nick’s cheek.  “I love you.  It’ll be fine.”

        “I don’t know what to say,” Nick said.

        “You’ll know when you see him,” Drew said.

        “I guess.”  Nick touched his thumb to Drew’s dimple spot, then left the room, stepping into the hallway and closing the door.

        At the other end of the hallway, Brian stood.

        Nick took a slow breath.  Brian.

        Brian approached him, slowly.

        Nick’s chest felt tight.  Brian.  Brian had been his world, the center of his emotional universe, for most of his life.  For all of his adult life.  For, hell, since he’d been twelve.  Brian, whose only flaws were those nostrils and having broken Nick’s heart.  But Brian had broken his heart as a desperate, self-sacrificial measure to save him from worse heartbreak.

        No wonder Brian was so damned overprotective.  No wonder Brian had overreacted with Jeff.  If Nick’s own parents were that bad, what was to stop anyone else from hurting him?

        All that left were the nostrils, and privately, Nick loved them.

        Brian was directly in front of him now, looking up at him.  Those crystal blue eyes were narrowed slightly; Brian was trying to read his mind.  Brian looked worried about what he might have to say, and pained at not being able to solve his every last problem and soothe his every last hurt.

        Brian was looking worried and pained and a bunch of other things, and Nick was feeling such confused pain he didn’t know what he was feeling, so that meant there was one thing to take care of first.  Nick hugged Brian.

        Brian made a soft, surprised noise and hugged him back.  Brian felt the same in his arms, and smelled the same right at the crook of neck where Nick always got the perfect blend of soap and shampoo and fabric softener and Brian-smell, and as long as he was holding Brian and Brian was holding him back, Nick’s pain eased just enough for him to know that things were going to get better.

        It was hard to let go, but Nick took one last, slow breath and released Brian, taking a step back.

        Brian looked like he was a little calmer now.  It was good to know that the healing nature of their embrace wasn’t one-sided.

        Nick had to ask questions, to lodge the answers in his brain before he made decisions.  “Did you ever stop loving me?”

        Brian’s answer was absolute: “No.”

        “While we were apart, was there ever a day when you didn’t want to be back with me?”

        In Brian’s eyes, with the fire of conviction, there also was a brief flash of remembered pain.  “No,” Brian said.  “Not one day.”

        “What about…”

        “No,” Brian said.  “She meant nothing to me.  I was weak, I was desperate for a distraction, a distraction from the guilt, and the doubt, and the pain, and she was there.  And I wanted to prove that I was over you, to show that we weren’t together, to make it clear that I had ended things.”

        To show Nick’s parents.  To prove to them.  So they’d accept Nick again.  “How do you feel about what you did?”

        “I’ve gone over it and over it for years,” Brian said.  “I’ve questioned myself and examined the situation and dealt with the repercussions.  I’ve regretted that decision every single day since I made it.  You have to know how sorry I am, Nick.  But if I had to do it again, I’d make the same decision.  Only this time I’d say good-bye to you with different words, and I’d push your parents to hold up their end of the deal.”

        “That wasn’t your fault,” Nick said.

        “It isn’t your fault, either,” Brian said.

        Nick touched the inside corner of Brian’s eyebrow, then skimmed his thumb down Brian’s nose.  “There’s nothing separating us anymore.”

        Brian’s eyes searched Nick’s face.  “Nothing?”

        “You’ve always been beautiful,” Nick murmured, stroking Brian’s jaw with sensitive fingertips.

        “Nick, I love you,” Brian said, urgency in his eyes, like it was important information he had to get across despite all obstacles.

        “I know,” Nick said.

        Brian’s voice was soft, questioning.  “You do?”

        “Yes.”  Nick kissed him.  Brian’s kiss was soft, gentle, loving.  Nick closed his eyes, drawing out the moment.  He could almost feel himself blending into Brian, seeping in through Brian’s skin, Brian melting into him, mingling at the very core of who they were.

        Brian’s tongue stroked into Nick’s mouth, and Nick moaned in sweet pleasure, his hands caressing the skin of Brian’s back under Brian’s shirt.  He’d been in love with Brian forever.  They’d been together for years, been lovers for years.  All of those years of sharing love, those poetic whispers and erotic touches, those long soulful gazes, reading each other at a glance, holding each other late at night - - no matter how good things got, no matter how mindblowing the sex was or how well they knew each other or long they were together, there had been the shadow from their past looming over them, coming between them.  Nick couldn’t trust that things would always be this good, because things had been great before, and that hadn’t kept Brian from leaving him.

        Now, that fear was gone.

        Brian always had loved him.  Brian had hurt him and left him, and surely there could have been some way to make things easier, but it hadn’t been because Brian was bored with him or no longer wanted to be with him.

        Every day that they’d been apart, he’d loved Brian.  Every day that they’d been apart, Brian had loved him.  Nick looked back over that time, and he could feel their love for each other connecting, could almost see it meeting and bonding and sewing shut that old wound.

        Brian was sucking gently on his tongue, and he carefully backed Brian to their bedroom, stopping beside their bed.  Brian tugged lightly on a handful of his hair and moaned softly, breaking their kiss.  “You forgive me,” Brian said, lips kissed red.

        “I forgive you,” Nick said.  It hurt to look at Brian, sometimes.  His brain couldn’t always register all of that beauty at once.  Brian was pure, and pretty, and loving, and generous, and mmm…kissed so well…oh…  Nick pushed Brian down to the mattress, and Brian kissed him with slow-burning desire.  They undressed each other, and even the subtlest brush of skin to skin echoed with pulsing reverberations of their love.

        When Nick entered Brian’s body, it was like sinking into Brian’s love, like finally coming home.  He took his time, prolonging the pleasure, making love to Brian as though it were the first time, until finally orgasm broke over Brian, and Nick got to watch Brian come, his heart lifting in his chest as he watched ecstasy transform Brian into something so radiant he could almost see a new glow upon Brian’s features.

        After coming, Brian relaxed.  A minute shift in the angle of Brian’s hips sent Nick’s heartrate soaring.  Nick’s pace stuttered, then increased.  Oh, that felt good, that felt just right, yes, yes, just like that, just, oh, like, aahhh, that.  Nick moaned, his voice sounding thick and overwhelmed, and he groaned helplessly as Brian pulled him in and kissed him.  His hips lost their rhythm as Brian’s kiss made love to his mouth.  “Come inside me,” Brian whispered against his lips, soft and compelling.  Nick’s body obeyed, pistoning deep and releasing thick streams of cum.  Nick shivered, moaning, panting, moaning again, as the hunger of Brian’s kiss increased.

        He lowered Brian’s legs and disengaged their bodies, but Brian wrapped around him again, keeping him close.  Nick wrapped up Brian just the same, rolling them onto their sides, sharing Brian’s pillow.  Ending their kiss, Brian looked into his eyes.

        Nick looked right back, straight into Brian’s eyes.  The sky should be this color.  He’d always been transfixed by Brian’s eyes, even when he’d been younger and they’d only been best friends, nothing more.  Sometimes Brian had looked so happy, and Brian’s eyes had radiated warmth and friendship and some sort of extra-strength “things are going to be all right” vibe that had made him think yeah, if he stuck close to Brian, everything would be great.  So he had, and it was.  And then he’d started to see other things in Brian’s eyes, like peace and grace and salvation.  He could still remember one day, long ago, when he’d been staring, except Brian had been busy talking to someone, so he hadn’t been able to get a direct gaze, until Brian had turned to him with a smile and asked him what he wanted and pinched his cheek.  Jerk.  He’d ignored the offense, and taken Brian’s chin in one hand, and just looked.  Stared.  Stared long enough that he’d started to see new things.  There, in each corner, a little glint.

        AJ, of all people, had told him at one point that everyone carried around a little bit of God inside themselves.  Nick hadn’t been able to find his own bit of God; maybe it was hiding out in his pancreas somewhere.  But Brian was closer to God than he was, and that day, he’d seen it, that little piece of God, that doorway to Heaven, right there in Brian’s eyes.

        Then Brian had laughed and asked if he was going to kiss him or something, and Nick had realized that he had both hands all over Brian’s razor-sharp jawline, which at the time he’d been too in awe of to touch, so he’d punched Brian in the shoulder and called him a dildo and left.

        Ever since that first time he’d seen new things in Brian’s eyes, he hadn’t been able not to see them.  They were there every time he looked, a little bit of God, a little doorway to Heaven.  It made singing “Heaven in Your Eyes” a little more relevant and a little more complicated, for one thing, but it also fascinated him.  What kind of person was Brian, anyway?

        Mostly, Brian was just Brian.  At core, Brian was just a guy who worked hard at his job, looked after the people he loved, and had a few control issues.  Those issues now made a lot more sense to Nick.  For one thing, Nick’s fate had been placed directly in Brian’s hands by the very people running Nick’s life; and ever since then, Brian had been trying to take control again, in an attempt to make things right.

        Nick had thought he’d figured Brian out, at one point.  Brian had been his best friend, his boyfriend, silly and zany, dedicated and hardworking, sexy and fun, conservative and decisive, someone who kissed him like his mouth was the most delicious treat possible and carried a little piece of God in his eyes.  Most people let their piece of God rot in their pancreas and didn’t know any better, but Brian was special.

        And then Brian had broken his heart and left him a confused, traumatized mess.  He’d thought maybe he didn’t understand Brian at all, maybe he’d never really known who Brian was.

        Ever since then, he’d tried his damnedest to figure out who Brian really was.  He’d tried to reconcile all of the information he had, but it never fit together, it never made sense.  That scared him.  It bothered him.  It kept him from being one hundred percent committed to their union, because he’d always kept at least a tiny bit of himself held back, closed off, just in case.

        Now he had all of the information.  He knew who Brian was.  He felt like he could reach inside Brian and dig around and touch every last piece and know it on sight.  He knew Brian to a depth and completion he’d never known Brian before.

        And he knew that Brian loved him.

        And he knew how much Brian loved him.

        Just for a second, he felt his own radiance.

        Nick kissed Brian gently, chastely.  “You have to go to work.”

        “I’ll stay if you need me,” Brian said, and he knew that Brian would, without question or hesitation.

        “No.  I’m okay.  You’ll be home later, and Drew’s here.”

        Brian kissed him.  “I love you.”

        It was like being bathed in sunshine from the inside out.  “I love you,” he said, and he caught Brian’s mouth in another kiss, a slower, deeper one.  When he let go, Brian kissed his cheek, then got up and began to dress.

        Nick lay back, watching Brian.  Then something caught his eye and he looked to see Drew coming to the doorway.

        “Hi,” Drew said with slight hesitance.

        “It’s okay,” Nick said.  “We kissed and made up.”

        “I see.”

        Brian stopped with one shoe on.  “If you want me to stay, if you need to talk-”

        “No,” Drew said.  “I’m fine.  I sorted through most of it just trying to explain to Nick.  We can talk later.”

        Brian put on his other shoe.  “I’ll be home as soon as we’re done.”  He patted his pockets to make sure he still had everything.  “I’m going to go see if I can successfully get my mind on my work.  I love you, and I’ll see you later.”  He kissed Drew.

        It always irritated Nick when he had a bad angle and couldn’t view their kiss well.  All he was seeing was the back of Brian’s head.

        Brian came to him, putting one knee on the bed, cupping his chin in one hand, kissing his mouth.  “I love you,” Brian said, and kissed his cheek, his forehead.  “Call me for anything.”

        “You worry too much,” Nick said, watching Brian walk towards the door.

        “Don’t harass Kevin,” Brian said, and jogged downstairs.

        Nick scowled.  Stupid mindreader.

        Drew came over to sit on the bed, leaning back into him.  Nick put his arm around Drew’s waist, pulling Drew to lay down with him.  “What do you want to do today?” Drew asked.

        Nick tugged the sheet from between their bodies, bringing Drew’s ass snug against his groin.  “I have stuff to think about.”

        “That sucks,” Drew said.

        “Yeah.”  Nick nuzzled Drew’s hair.  “I really like you.”

        “Thanks,” Drew said.

        “We should get married now.”

        “What do you mean, now?” Drew asked, sounding a little bit suspicious.

        “Like, today, or tomorrow,” Nick said.

        “That’s a little soon,” Drew said.

        “Then we’d better start making those phone calls,” Nick said.  “Come on, get up.”

        “We have to book the church first,” Drew said, sitting up.  “We can’t arrange the reception hall and the caterers for a day and then find out that the pastor is busy.”

        Nick grinned.  Drew was going to go along with him and help him do it.  “You’re pretty cool.”

        “And sexy,” Drew said, standing, pulling him up.  “Don’t forget sexy.”

        What could AJ and JC have to talk about?

        He didn’t like it.

        The door opened, and Brian rushed in.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to leave you guys hanging.”

        “We’re fine,” Justin said.  “It’s not a problem.”

        “Are you okay?” Nick asked.

        Brian took a breath, and smiled.  His glow almost knocked Chris over.  “A tremendous weight is lifting from my shoulders,” Brian said.  “With this burden lifted, I think I’ll be growing another six inches in the next few hours.”

        “You’re looking good,” AJ said, slinking over, his arm around Brian’s shoulders.  “Everything okay?”

        Seriously, someone had to look into bottling that radiant smile.  “Everything’s just fine,” Brian said.  “What’d I miss around here?”

        “Well, our dear friend Howard has gotten himself engaged,” AJ said.

        Brian turned, and Chris needed sunglasses to block the bright glare from the increased glow of happiness.  “Chris,” Brian said, and Chris found himself the victim of a warm squeeze.  “Congratulations,” Brian said.  “I’m happy for you.  What did you say?”

        “I said a lot of stuff about things, and then I said, ‘Howard Dwaine Dorough, will you marry me?’ and he asked, ‘What?’ and I started to ask him again, and he said yes,” Chris said.  “I think the ‘what’ was because he couldn’t believe what he was hearing, not indicative of any kind of hearing loss.”

        “I’m happy for you,” Brian said again.  “Does this mean that the housewarming party is on for tonight?”

        “Yes, it does,” Chris said.  “Please bring many expensive gifts.  And none of this one per household stuff, either.  I expect at least one gift apiece from you and Nick and Drew.”

        Apparently, Brian was going to be smiling like that all day.  They might as well turn off the lights to save electricity and work by the light off that inner glow.  “Let me call home and tell them the good news.”

        “You,” AJ said, “need to get to work.  JC has about twenty things to discuss with you.  I can call Nick and spread the word.”

        “Okay,” Brian said, gently beaming at AJ.

        “Go,” AJ said, shooing him.

        Brian glowed on over to JC.

        “Is he on something?” Chris asked.

        “It’s Brian,” AJ said.  “He gets that way when he hears birds chirping.  Let’s praise the beauty and bounty of God’s natural world,” AJ said, heading for the hallway.  “Can I get an amen?  Hallelujah!”

        After all, with the predictable exception of JC and Justin, how many couples really kept the sexual flame burning?

        But he was beginning to suspect that if his sexual interest in Lance ever did begin to wane, it wouldn’t be for another fifty years.

        Crawling his slow way down Lance’s naked body, Joey kissed the skin right above Lance’s hip, tasting its flavor, learning its texture.  His attention began to wander off to the side, and Lance rolled slightly to accommodate him, letting him kiss a slow path towards Lance’s back.  Mmm…

        But he was getting off track.  He pushed Lance back again, returning his mouth to Lance’s hip.  He kissed down Lance’s thigh, massaging the back of it in one hand.  He liked everything about Lance’s body, every inch of it, every trait.

        His gaze slid to the juncture of Lance’s thighs.

        He even loved Lance’s dick.  He loved the feel of it in his hand, the weight of it, the heat of it, the hardness of it.  He loved feeling it get harder, he loved the slick flow of precum, he loved the thick rush of cum.  Feeling Lance’s erection in his hand or against his thigh turned him on.  Looking at it, the thickening shaft, the smooth head, turned him on.

        Joey licked his lips.  Wondering.

        What would it feel like between his lips?  Against his tongue?

        He stroked Lance’s pelvis, trying to imagine.

        “We can’t get rings on such short notice,” Drew said, flipping pages.

        “We don’t even know how many or what kind,” Nick said.  “We’ll figure it out, just start calling.”

        “Aye, aye, captain,” Drew said, and began to dial.

        “He wants to decorate the house,” JC said.  “I love Justin, I love my baby, but I can’t imagine what this house is going to look like.”

        “He’ll definitely lower the property value,” Chris said.

        “He wants to hang wallpaper,” JC said.  “Justin can do anything, and I don’t want to discourage him from taking on any project, but he’s not a designer.  He’s never painted a wall in his life.”

        “He does know that he can hire people to do these things for him, doesn’t he?” Brian asked.

        “He wants to do it himself,” JC said.  “It means so much to him…”

        “But he’s going to hang the wallpaper upside-down and paint the windows shut,” Justin said.

        “At least,” Chris said.

        “Is he getting any help at all?” Brian asked.

        “Joey,” JC said.

        AJ groaned.

        “Justin means well,” Brian said.  “He really wants to do things for you, JC.  He’s giving from his heart.”

        “Maybe once he sees what a disaster it is, he’ll give from his wallet and hire someone,” Chris said.

        “Justin’s a smart guy,” Nick said.  “It won’t be that bad.”

        “You’re on his side because if you had the time, you’d be over there helping him,” Justin said.

        “Drew,” Brian said.  “Drew’s hung wallpaper and painted rooms, hasn’t he?” he asked Nick.

        “He lays tile, hangs cabinets, and regrouts tubs,” Nick said.  “He’s better than I am with caulk.”

        “And hot glue guns,” Justin said.

        “Don’t start,” Nick said.

        “Would he help?” JC asked.  “Not with the whole house, that’s a big commitment, but if he could just teach Justin how to hang wallpaper-”

        “I’ll ask him,” Brian said.  “He was just telling us last night that he’s looking for something to do.  This sounds perfect.”

        “Thank you,” JC said.  “You’re saving our home.”

        “Don’t be jealous,” Justin said to Nick.  “I’m sure you’ll get to hang wallpaper next time.”

        “You know that Justin is staying with me,” Joey said.

        “Yes,” Lance said.

        “I didn’t know that you were going to be there when I got home yesterday,” Joey said.  “I wasn’t bringing him back with me to shove him in your face or to piss you off.  I didn’t know you were going to be there.”

        Lance turned an orange in his hands.  He said to it, “I overreacted.”

        From Lance, these days, that was as good as a heartfelt apology.  Joey felt so good about it, he didn’t know how to respond.  Maybe they really could work things out.  “I’m sorry that I didn’t know you were calling.  I should have checked my phone again.”

        Lance didn’t say anything.

        “You waited for me,” Joey said, touching Lance’s elbow.  “Why did you wait for me?”

        Lance shrugged, looking away.

        “You didn’t wait for me to cause a scene.  You waited for me to be with me, so when I came home we’d be together,” Joey said.

        Lance’s voice was distant.  “Maybe.”

        “But when I got there, you fought with me and drove off.  Why?  What happened?  What changed?”

        “You brought him with you.”

        “That’s bullshit,” Joey said.

        Lance jerked his elbow free, turning away.

        Joey pulled him back, closer this time, one hand on each of Lance’s elbows.  “You let me kiss you.  Why wouldn’t you talk to me?  Why wouldn’t you come inside?  Justin would have given us space to be alone.  We could’ve been together.”

        “Let go of me,” Lance snarled, a warning in his eyes.

        “You let me kiss you,” Joey said, incrementally tightening his grip against the tensing of Lance’s muscles.  “Why did you let me kiss you, if you were that angry?”

        Lance’s cheeks were flushed with anger.

        “You kissed me back,” Joey insisted.  “If you were that mad, you wouldn’t have let me.  I know you.  You’d make me want you and not let me have you.  You know how to make me suffer, Lance.  Why did you kiss me back?”

        Lance’s breathing was harsh, his eyes glittering.

        “You weren’t mad at me,” Joey said.  “You were mad at yourself, and taking it out on me.”  He didn’t get it.  “Why were you mad at yourself?”

        “Let-” Lance yanked back, freeing himself “-go of me!”  His hands balled into fists, but he backed away slowly, glaring at Joey.

        Joey was glad Lance hadn’t tried to hit him, because he absolutely loved Lance, but he wasn’t about to be in that kind of relationship.

        “When I tell you to get your hands off of me, do it,” Lance said sharply.

        “I will,” Joey said.  He should have respected Lance’s wishes.

        “You made a fool of me,” Lance said.

        “I didn’t,” Joey said.  “That’s not how it was.  Lance, it’s not-”

        “In front of him!”

        “What is-”

        “I was furious that I would ever put myself in that kind of position again,” Lance said.  “I’d promised myself that I would never let anyone do that to me again, I wouldn’t ever look that pathetic for anyone, and then you - - fuck you!”

        “I wasn’t doing that to you,” Joey said, trying not to yell, not angry but desperate to get his point across.  “I wasn’t doing that to you, it was my phone, it was miscommunication, I would never do that to you.  I wouldn’t do that to you, Lance, I didn’t do that.  Justin knew I was waiting for you to call, I was talking about it all day, I didn’t even want to leave with him because I knew you were coming over.  He’s your friend, he didn’t see it that way, it wasn’t that way at all.”

        “AJ cheated on me,” Lance said.  “Everyone who didn’t know about it while it was happening found out at the same time I did.  I looked like a fool.  When he spun right around and dropped onto Kevin’s dick, how did I look then?!”

        “AJ’s a bastard,” Joey said.  “He’s a sick, selfish son-of-a-bitch.”

        “We shouldn’t be doing this,” Lance said, shaking his head.  “I shouldn’t be doing this, Joey.  I can’t be your boyfriend.”

        “You are my boyfriend,” Joey said.  “This is different.  I’m not AJ.  I won’t do those things to you.  I’m nothing like AJ.”

        “He gives head,” Lance muttered.

        “Do you want me to - - here, take your pants off, let’s go, right now,” Joey said, lifting Lance onto the table and reaching for Lance’s fly.

        “No, god, Joey, stop it,” Lance said, pushing him back, laughing.

        Joey stepped within the vee of Lance’s thighs, his thumbs rubbing across the slight scruff of fuzz on Lance’s chin.  “You don’t like getting head?”

        “I like it,” Lance said.  “How good can you make it?”

        Arousal flared.  Joey liked this challenge.  He liked the knowing, teasing, flirting glint in Lance’s eye.  “I can be the best you’ve ever had.”

        “I don’t know,” Lance said, and his thighs tightened just so on Joey’s hips.  “I’ve had it pretty good.”

        “Not like this,” Joey said, getting hard just picturing precum pearling at the head of Lance’s dick.

        Lance’s fingers trailed lazily across Joey’s lips.  “You can prove that to me later.”

        “Later?” Joey asked, wanting it now.

        “We’re talking now,” Lance said.

        Talking?  Talking.  Right.  Talking.  Joey tried to remember.

        “I’m your…”

        Joey’s brain automatically filled in the blank.  Lover.  Best friend.  Sexpot.  Seducer.

        “…boyfriend.  You’re my,” Lance’s fingertips took another tour of Joey’s lips, “boyfriend.”

        Joey was in love with this man.

        “Since you made the offer, why don’t you tell me what that means?”

        Means.  Joey restarted his brain.  He’d thought a lot about it on the drive over, and he wanted to get it right.  Things had to be clear.  “We’ve been getting to this point for a while.  Slowly.”  God, he was hard, and not enough blood was flowing to his brain.  “Everything is always all about you.  I’ve made everything all about you, and so have you.  And you’ve been so demanding, I have to get everything just right, I have to say exactly the right thing and do exactly the right thing, all at exactly the right time, which isn’t all that fair, because you do whatever the hell you want and screw who gets hurt.”

        Lance was listening, at least.  Or was he?  His eyes were down, and his fingers were laced loosely in his lap.

        “You’ve made things really hard on me,” Joey said.  “You’ve been pushing me to fix everything, to make you happy.  I’m really trying, Lance, I’ve worked my ass off.  I’ve been willing to do anything for you, if it would make you even a little happy, for a little while.  And all you do is push for more, and get pissed, and take shit out on me.”

        Lance cleared his throat, but didn’t say anything.

        “I was wrong for making things that way,” Joey said.  “I was wrong for helping you to fuck yourself over.  I should have done a better job of being your friend.  And now that I’m your boyfriend, things are really going to have to be different.  I’ve been really frustrated, Lance, and I’ve been really hurt, you’ve hurt me more than I’ve been hurt before, you’ve had me so desperate and confused I didn’t know what I was doing.  But now things are different.”

        Lance raised his head, meeting Joey’s eyes.  “Different how?”

        “We’re together now,” Joey said.  “We’re responsible to each other.  I’m going to protect your heart, Lance, so you can relax and not guard it so tightly.  I’ll protect it for you.  But that means that I need you to protect mine, even if that means protecting it from yourself.”

        “You’re going to protect me?” Lance asked.

        “Yes,” Joey said.  He would.  He was going to keep Lance’s heart safe.  He was going to help Lance heal.

        Lance’s thumb stroked across Joey’s cheekbone.  “You’ve been a good friend to me, Joey.”

        “I tried,” Joey said.  He had.

        “You kiss with more tongue than anyone else I’ve ever kissed,” Lance said.

        “I can work on that,” Joey said quickly.

        “No,” Lance said, and smiled.  “I like it.”

        Joey wasn’t sure what Lance was leading up to.  It was making him nervous.

        “Do you know what I want?” Lance asked.

        “To be loved and wanted,” Joey said.  “To feel worshipped.  To feel the way JC always made Justin feel.”

        Lance’s touch followed the line of Joey’s jaw.  “Can you do that for me?”

        “Yes,” Joey said.  “If you let me.”  It was two-sided.  He could love and desire and obsess and worship all day long, and it wouldn’t get anywhere, if Lance resisted.

        “Tell me,” Lance said, “that you love me.”

        “I’m in love with you,” Joey said.  He just wanted Lance to believe it.

        “Tell me that you want me.”

        “I want you,” Joey said.  “You know that.  I’m all over you every chance I get.”

        Lance’s gaze darkened, and he dropped his hand.  “Don’t hurt me.”  It was a warning.

        “I won’t,” Joey promised.  “You can trust me.”

        Lance studied him, eyes wary.

        “I won’t hurt you,” Joey said softly.  He caressed Lance’s temple.  “I won’t,” he promised, keeping his voice gentle, leaning in closer.  “I’d never hurt you, Lance.  Let me love you.  Let me take care of you.  All I’m asking you to do is take care of me a little, too.”

        “You’ve been the best friend I’ve ever had,” Lance said.  He smiled a little, that small Lance smile.  “We can be good together.”

        “Very good together,” Joey agreed.  “Out of bed, too.”

        Lance laughed, which was what Joey had been hoping for.  “Okay,” he said.  “Yes.  Yes.  I’ll be the best boyfriend you’ve ever had.”

        Joey kissed him.  He was going to be the best boyfriend Lance had ever had, too.  He was going to kick total ass in the boyfriend department.  He was going to fucking dominate the entire field, as a boyfriend.  He was going to change Lance’s life.

        And god, Lance sure was changing his.  Joey had never felt like this before, had never done these things before.  But he didn’t regret it, not any of it, wouldn’t change back for the world.

        Lance’s hands were on his chest, rubbing over his pecs through his T-shirt.  “Lance,” he said, and moaned as Lance kissed him again, Lance’s thumb teasing a nipple.  He tried again.  “Lance, can I-”

        “Joey,” Lance protested, but didn’t stop kissing him.

        Joey went for his old standby.  “I won’t even put it in, I just want to rub it against you.”

        Lance laughed.

        Joey realized that maybe that line didn’t work on guys.

        Lance was still laughing.

        Joey sighed, releasing Lance, stepping back.

        “Okay,” Lance said, taking pity on him, sliding down from the table, stroking his chest and giving him another kiss.  “If you’re that hard up, come on, you can fuck me.”

        Following Lance to the bedroom, Joey grinned.  Maybe that line worked on guys after all.