"Where You Belong"

Where You Belong, eighth in the "Living" series

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Thus far we've had JC/Justin, Nick/Drew/Brian, Nick/Jeff, Nick/Drew/Brian/Nick/Jeff, AJ/Lance, AJ/Howie, AJ/Kevin, Chris/Howie, and partridge/pear tree.

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashwriters. It also is for Elizabeth and Jeff.

Notice: First, read "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," "Rest in Peace," "Destiny," and "Together." I know it sounds like a lot, but it'll only take you an hour or two.

Still ensconced in the bed, Justin heard JC bouncing up the stairs, singing merrily. “Justin, you should have seen how we left the downstairs,” JC said, dropping last night’s discarded clothes on the bed.

Justin remembered stripping off JC’s jeans, and shivered.

“Baby.” JC sat beside him, untucking him enough to put a warm hand on his shoulder. “Joey’s not here. I don’t think he came home last night.”

Justin was awake. He sat up, telling himself not to worry. “He stayed at Lance’s all night?”

“I think so,” JC said.

“Or he spent all night out, at the clubs?”

“That depends on how Lance reacted,” JC said.

Justin hugged a knee to his chest. “You know that no matter how sincere Joey is, that doesn’t obligate Lance to be sincere.”

“You think Lance would manipulate Joey,” JC said.

“I think I don’t know what Lance would do. I want to think that he’d do the right thing. But if he doesn’t, Joey’s out there with his heart on his sleeve, about to get very hurt.”

“Besides what he did to you in Terry’s house, what has Lance actually done?” JC asked. “To the four of us?”

“Seduced Joey. Broke up Chris and Howie.”

“Joey may have wanted to be seduced.”

“What are you trying to say?” Justin asked.

JC studied the air above Justin’s head, then said, “Lance thinks he’s capable of worse than he really is willing to do.”

“He thinks he’s more bad-ass than he is?” Justin asked.

“When you were in Terry’s house, he didn’t go as far as he could have.”

“He molested me!”

“He could have done a lot worse.”

“Worse than kissing me and putting his dick on me?”

“Yes. You told me that you were horribly confused. You were vulnerable. You would have let him. He could have had you.”

Justin looked away. “I wouldn’t have.”

“You might have. He had reason to try. But he didn’t.”

“Because Joey walked in on us.”

“You slept with Lance all night. He had hours alone with you.”

“So what?” Justin demanded. “We should admire him for his restraint?”

“Yes,” JC said. “He had the perfect opportunity, and he didn’t take it. He only pushed his advantage to a point.”

“JC, you’re furious with Lance for what he did. I know you want to confront him.”

“I am furious,” JC said. “I also know that things could have gone a lot further, and they didn’t, because Lance stopped himself. He can only hurt us so much. He’ll only go so far.”

“Are you saying that he won’t let himself break Joey’s heart?” Justin asked.

“I don’t think he’ll be able to do it, if he wants to,” JC said. “Lance knows how much Joey loves him, and he knows that Joey’s always been there for him.”

“Everything that’s happened so far, it’s all been stuff that I was willing to get past. If Lance walked in right now and said he was sorry, said he was over it, and wanted to get right with us, I’d hug him and tell him I love him and work it out. But if he deliberately hurts Joey, I don’t know. No one else could ever hurt Joey as much as Lance, and if Lance knows that…”

JC nodded. “I know.”

“Maybe this is the final test. I’m not saying he has to love Joey back, or else. But he can either be Joey’s friend, or he can deliberately break Joey down. Whichever way he goes, that’s it. He’s either showing us he’s still the guy we know and love, or he’s out.”

“I don’t know,” JC said. “Justin, it’s Lance.”

Justin sighed, flopping back onto his pillow. “I know. I know.” He reached out for JC’s arm and pulled JC down beside him. “I love Lance, JC.”

“I know you do, baby.” JC rested his head on Justin’s shoulder. “We all do.”

Washing Howie’s hair was fun. Good fun. Great fun. To be honest, part of the enjoyment was getting to be wet and naked and soapy with Howie. And washing hair was one of those intimate grooming things that made Chris feel fuzzy inside. It made him feel like he was part of a real couple.

The washing was done. Now…

“What are those?” Howie asked.

“Rollers,” Chris said.

“No,” Howie said.

“Yes,” Chris said.

“No,” Howie insisted, backing away from him.

“Yes,” Chris insisted. “We have an agreement.”

“Our agreement never mentioned rollers.” Howie was still backing.

“Read the fine print next time,” Chris advised. “Now come here and let me make you look nice.”

“I look fine already,” Howie said, suddenly switching directions.

“Get away from the - - hey!” Chris rushed in, blocking the door. Howie escaped Chris’s grasp, and Chris gave chase, almost catching him by the closets. Howie tried to scramble across the bed, but Chris jumped him, wrestling him into submission. Chris thoroughly enjoyed having Howie pinned beneath him across the bed, Howie’s robe falling open to expose every masculine inch, Howie panting and flushed and laughing. Chris was hard inside his underwear, suddenly, and Howie shifted beneath him, winking.

A man could only take so much. Chris kissed Howie, running his hands up Howie’s chest and down Howie’s thighs, and Howie kissed him back, and Chris’s body reminded him that he’d been in such a hurry to rush Howie out of bed and into the hair-grooming process, he hadn’t taken advantage of his usual good morning lovemaking. He’d have to remedy that oversight immediately.

“Chris,” Howie said, fingers doing delicious things to his ears. “Chris, how would you feel about making a deal?”

“I feel great about everything,” Chris said honestly, but stopped kissing long enough to listen.

“We can do whatever you want,” Howie said. “I’ll do whatever you want.”

Chris’s dick felt good about that. Chris tried not to drool.

“If you forget about the rollers.”

What? Chris frowned at Howie. “No! No, you-”

Howie rubbed his thigh ever so innocently against Chris’s hard-on.

“Oh sweet god,” Chris moaned. “No, no, I mean-”

Howie delicately, deliberately brushed his fingers over his own nipple, his slight smile and the soft lowering of his lashes betraying his pleasure.

“Evil,” Chris accused, incredibly turned on. “I must resist, I must,” he told himself, closing his eyes. “The hair is a one-time agreement,” he reminded himself. “I can roll around naked with Howie any time I want to.”

“Excuse me?” Howie asked.

“Oh, don’t be modest,” Chris said, opening his eyes. “You know you’re easy.”

Howie smiled and declined to answer.

“Rollers,” Chris said.

“Is that your final answer?” Howie asked.

“Yes,” Chris decided.

“That’s a shame,” Howie said. “I was really hoping to get laid today.”

“So was I,” Chris said, alarmed. “You mean I’m not? At all? What?”

“We’ll have to wait and see,” Howie said, politely pushing Chris aside, tying his robe shut. “Rollers?”

Giving his arousal a sympathetic pat, Chris retrieved the rollers. It took him a minute to figure out how much hair to use for each one, and then how to get the hair to do what he wanted, but he established a rhythm.

Then…

“What is that?” Howie asked.

“It’s called a hair dryer,” Chris said, plugging it in.

“Where did you get it?” Howie asked, eyeing it like it might bite him. “Where did you get the rollers?”

“Joey’s sister. Sit.”

Howie said, “Chris, I really do love you, and I think that this proves it.” He sat, and Chris lowered the dryer, switching it on, making sure it was at the right height.

While Howie’s hair was drying, Chris got himself dressed, then fixed his own hair. After that, he turned off the dryer and led Howie over to the bed, restless with anticipation.

After he took off the first five rollers, Chris wasn’t feeling quite as sure of himself as he had earlier. After he took off the first ten, he was more worried than anything.

Chris unrolled the last lock of hair and sat back. For Howie’s sake, he tried to smile.

Howie stood.

“Where are you going?” Chris asked, alarmed.

“To the mirror,” Howie said.

“No! It’s not ready. I still have to, uh, style it,” Chris said quickly.

“Okay,” Howie said, and sat.

“Right,” Chris said, and tried to smile.

There were two problems. Chris wasn’t exactly a cosmetologist, and Howie wasn’t stupid. After five minutes, Chris began to panic. After ten minutes, he knew he was absolutely, without a doubt, doomed. After fifteen minutes, Howie said, “Maybe, next time, we should discuss what you’d like to do, together, before you do it.”

“No, it’s great,” Chris said. “It looks terrific. Trust me. Just don’t leave the house or walk past a mirror all day.”

“I believe you,” Howie said.

“You do?” Chris asked.

“I believe you wanted it to look great,” Howie said. “I believe you really tried.” He kissed Chris’s cheek. “Thank you.”

“And the fact that I’ve made you look like Hairdressers Gone Wild?”

Howie smiled. “It’s the thought that counts.”

“There is good news from one front,” Chris said. “I almost used a curling iron. I figured in the long run, rollers are safer.”

“Skin grafts aren’t fun,” Howie agreed.

“I had such a good thing, and I ruined it,” Chris said, sighing, burying his face in Howie’s neck.

Howie laughed and rubbed his back. “It’s okay, Chris. Maybe, later, I can show you how to use the flat iron. Then you could help me.”

“Really?” Chris asked, straightening. “You’d trust me, after this?”

“Sure,” Howie said. “You really gave it your best. You just need a little more experience.”

“And flat irons can’t do as much damage as rollers,” Chris said. “Too much curl can be a frightening thing, I’m learning,” he said, gingerly touching Howie’s hair, “but you can’t overflat.”

Howie smiled. “Exactly.”

“Now what?” Chris asked.

“Now I’m going to take a shower and start over,” Howie said. “You probably should get to the studio.”

“I guess my plans for the goatee are out?”

“What were your plans?” Howie asked.

“Nothing serious. I was just going to…” Chris hesitated. “Shave it off.”

“Off?” Howie repeated.

“It grows back!” Chris said. “You go back and forth with it, from beard to goatee, more and less.”

“Yes, I do, but when was the last time you saw me without any facial hair?”

“I’ve seen it,” Chris protested. “It looks good. You always look good.”

“Can I shave yours?”

“Good lord no!”

Howie laughed.

“All right, you’ve made your point,” Chris said, sighing. “Thank you for being understanding about the curling debacle.”

“It’s okay.” Howie kissed him. “I appreciate the thought.”

“I don’t know how long I’ll be at the studio. I’ll call you.”

“Okay,” Howie said. “Have a good time. Don’t be shy about outsinging everyone else. They’ll have to admit to your superiority sooner or later.”

Chris kissed him. “You’re my favorite.”

“Your favorite what?” Howie asked.

“Everything.” Chris wanted to stay, possibly forever, but he forced himself to get up. “I’ll call you,” he promised.

Howie waited until he heard Chris leave the house entirely, then stood and went to the bathroom. One look in the mirror, and he burst into laughter.

Lance was leaving the house.

Lance was leaving, and Joey hadn’t said what he’d come to say. He could say it later. He didn’t have to say it at all. He-

“I love you.”

Lance paused, one hand on the doorknob. He turned, facing Joey there in the foyer, and his face was a careful blank. “What?”

“I’m in love with you,” Joey said. “That’s why I came over last night, to tell you. I’m in love with you. I didn’t know it before, and I don’t know how long I’ve - - I think it’s been a long time. I think I’ve been in love with you for a long time.”

Lance’s eyes were narrow with distrust.

“I don’t even think I’m gay, or bi. I don’t know. Maybe I am. I don’t understand a lot of this. I’m in love with you, Lance. I think that’s why I keep touching you, why it feels so good to touch you. And I want you to be happy. I want to help you to be happy. I want to watch you enjoy your life. I want a lot of things.” Joey made himself stop talking.

“What do you want?” Lance asked.

“What?”

“What do you want?” Lance repeated. “Should I be grateful? Should I love you back? Do you want to be my boyfriend? Would you rather be my fuckbuddy? Why are you telling me this? What do you want from me?”

“I want you to be happy,” Joey said. “I want you to know that you’re loved.”

“Happy, check. Loved, check. Anything else?” Lance asked.

“I’m not telling you that I love you to get something from you,” Joey said.

“Aren’t you?” Lance asked.

Joey hesitated. “I want you to let me love you. I want you to let me help you, let me take care of you, let me make love to you.”

“All right.” Lance turned the doorknob. “Is that all?”

“Lance-”

“I’ll see you tonight.” Lance left.

Drew lingered in the kitchen doorway, hesitant to enter. Brian was on the phone, laughing, smiling, pouring a glass of milk, and Drew was finding it hard to reconcile this version of Brian with the Brian he’d seen upstairs earlier that morning, inducing orgasms so intense the very mountains had shuddered.

Brian played Nick’s sexuality with an expert touch. He knew how to draw forth the exact desired response, and exploited that knowledge mercilessly. The bond between him and Nick was powerful and electric, so much so that their communication through touch was at least as vital as their communication through speech.

The things Brian did to Nick… The things Nick went through... It wasn’t just sex, not just moving and thrusting and body parts. It was sweeping, shattering, erotic possession. Seeing Nick that gloriously possessed… Seeing Brian that masterfully-

“Hey.” Brian turned to him with a radiant smile.

Drew blinked. He remembered how to move his mouth. “Hi.”

“Waffles?” Brian offered.

Drew had come in his hand just watching them together. “What?”

Brian gave him the concerned smile. “Are you okay?”

“I’m-” Brian’s finger descended to Nick’s nipple, and even before contact was made, Nick cried out; Drew twisted his own nipple, aching, burning. “-fine.” Drew put his hand to the doorframe to steady himself, but the feel of something solid against his palm startled him.

“Are you sure?” Brian asked, coming around the table towards him.

Nick sat up slightly, leaning back on his elbows, spreading his thighs as he watched Brian’s tongue flutter against his navel. Brian kissed down to Nick’s pelvic bone, and suddenly Nick threw his head back, hissing, his blond hair falling. “Fuck, Brian, god,” he moaned, unable to hold still. Teeth, Brian had used teeth… “I’m…” Brian looked incapable of making Nick scream with sheer crushing ecstasy, but he had, Drew had witnessed it, that morning, right upstairs. Brian touched his arm and Drew almost jumped. “Fine,” he said, and cleared his throat.

“Do you want to sit down?” Brian asked, and Brian’s hand stroked down his forearm to his wrist, fingers intimate against his hand. Brian was gazing right into his eyes, and he remembered Brian gazing into Nick’s eyes while-

“What?” Drew fumbled to remember what Brian had said. Hadn’t Brian asked him something?

Jesus Christ, Brian could wear out Nick Carter, the most sexually rich human being Drew had ever met. When Brian finally had left the bed, Nick had been spread across it, a sprawl of pink and gold, all long limbs and silken skin, fast asleep. Completely sated. Nick was never fully satisfied; Nick always wanted more. But Brian, Brian had gone past even Nick’s limits. Nick didn’t have limits! And now Brian was looking at Drew, honest concern in blue eyes, as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Of course, for Brian, making love to Nick happened every day.

How could anything that earth-shaking be called merely making love? It had-

“Drew?” Brian asked.

Drew grabbed Brian, pushing him into the wall, taking his mouth. Brian made a surprised sound, but kissed him back, arms closing around him. Drew wanted to pull off Brian’s clothes, wanted to push Brian down onto the nearest piece of furniture and strip him naked and do things to him.

Brian moaned, trying to capture his tongue. Brian’s hands were tensing across his lower back; Brian’s thigh was rubbing against his. Drew untucked Brian’s shirt, reaching under it, only to run into Brian’s T-shirt. Frustrated, wanting skin, that marvelous pale skin that bore marks of Nick’s love, Drew pulled up Brian’s T-shirt, pressing his hands to Brian’s flesh, feeling his way up Brian’s chest.

Drew remembered watching Brian and Nick, upstairs; Brian’s kiss had been intense, passionate, erotic; Nick’s kiss had been hungry, lewd, obscene. When the two of them met, when their mouths met, Brian’s passion and Nick’s hunger blended into something greater, something that both created and consumed.

When Brian broke away from his kiss, Drew instinctively tightened his hands on Brian’s ribcage, not willing to let go. Brian kissed him again; then, with a soft moan, Brian pulled back and went down on his knees, between Drew and the wall.

An alarm sounded with a terrible beeping. Drew was frozen in place, unwilling to move, trapped where he stood, staring down at Brian’s upturned face.

“Shit.” Brian rose quickly, slipping around Drew. Wanting to keep Brian in sight, Drew turned, realizing that the beep came from the smoke detector. Brian unplugged the waffle iron, opened the window, and turned on the fan.

The beeping stopped.

“Well.” Brian flashed Drew a smile. “You certainly know how to turn up the heat.”

Drew wanted Brian in his hands again.

“I want you to know that I want very much to finish what we’ve started here,” Brian said, and kissed him. “But if I get caught up in you, it’ll be another good two hours, and I have a meeting.” Brian kissed him again. “Tonight,” Brian promised. “Okay?”

Drew nodded. “Okay.”

Brian kissed him, fingers threading between the buttons on his shirt to touch his skin. “Bye.” One more kiss, and Brian left the kitchen.

Drew crossed his forearms on the kitchen table, leaning forward to rest his head there, closing his eyes.

Brian’s hand slid up the outside of Nick’s thigh.

“If this is how he’s going to spend all of our off time, I’m kidnapping him to Aruba,” Nick said.

Drew straightened abruptly, facing the doorway, irrationally shocked to see Nick up and dressed, instead of still in that bed, waiting for Brian’s return.

“Hey, what’s going on? Brian told me to come in and kiss on you.” Nick’s eyes travelled him slowly. “Are you okay?”

“Fine,” Drew said, his knuckles tightening on the chair that shielded his erection from Nick’s gaze. He had to redirect Nick’s attention. “Waffles?”

“Let’s go out to eat,” Nick said. “It stinks in here. What were you guys doing, anyway?”

Brian’s hands were tensing across his lower back; Brian’s thigh was rubbing against his. Drew couldn’t go out, not with his head this fuzzy. He’d only end up climbing over the table to jump on Nick, and that wouldn’t go over well with the restaurant’s management, or his own. “I, I-” Nick was groaning, panting, suffering; Brian lightly touched the head of Nick’s erection, his eyes on Nick’s face, his fingers coming away wet with precum.

Drew closed his eyes, turning to the table again. If he concentrated, he could breathe evenly and block out the images, the memories. But a part of him wanted to remember, wanted to relive each intense moment. Brian’s passion, Nick’s cries, Brian’s hands, Nick’s-

Nick’s hands on his waist.

Shocked, Drew spun, hands landing on Nick’s chest, staring up at Nick. He was rock-hard, and Nick could feel that, and Drew couldn’t believe he had his hands on the same person he’d just watched Brian sate himself on.

“Drew,” Nick said, and tipped up his face, thumbs meeting under his chin. “You have that look in your eyes.”

The pressure of Nick’s thigh against his hard-on was driving him mad. “Which look?”

Nick kissed him, taking over his mouth, unbuttoning his jeans. Drew moaned, tensing all over when Nick’s hand wrapped around his erection, kissing back with needy enthusiasm.

Drew struggled to stay in the present, but the heat of Nick and the taste of Nick, the smell and feel of him, reminded Drew of times when they’d been deep into making love, and the flashes of sex that passed through his brain became flashes from this morning, Brian and Nick, the things Brian had done to Nick, the ways Nick had responded…

Nick began to leave their kiss, gently pushing Drew’s hands off of him. Drew opened his eyes in time to see Nick kneeling down, and flushed hot at the shock and promise of it. Drew couldn’t help himself; he put his hands in Nick’s hair, guiding Nick forward. The heated, wet, sucking confines of Nick’s mouth were perfect; Nick’s tongue made Drew weak in the knees. Nick shifted closer, his hands tugging Drew’s pants down farther, nostrils flaring as he breathed around Drew’s dick.

Drew moaned, fingers sliding through Nick’s hair, leaning back against the table. It felt so…good… God, it felt… He groaned, tensing and shuddering, as Nick began to suck up and down, up and down, his long, thick erection sliding wetly between Nick’s red lips. It felt so good, he couldn’t keep his eyes open, but he had to watch; the sight of it, Nick kneeling, Nick’s mouth on his erection, dark blond lashes and flushed cheeks. The head popped from between Nick’s lips, and Nick licked it obscenely, tongue admiring the crown. Drew groaned, unable to look away, unbearably close to orgasm.

Nick moaned, latching on again, swallowing Drew deep, humming, vibrating all around Drew’s dick, making him moan. Drew pulled back and then rocked his hips forward again, and Nick’s tongue rubbed over just the right spot before he was down Nick’s throat again, and it was too much, Drew couldn’t oh, god, oh, he groaned, feeling it erupt from inside, coming and coming and coming.

Drew shuddered. “Oh.” He flexed his fingers, apologetically smoothing Nick’s hair. Nick released his dick, and he fumbled to put his clothes back together while Nick stood. He felt himself blushing red when Nick tipped his chin up to look into his eyes again.

Nick grinned. “Drew.”

“What?” he asked, putting his hands behind himself on the edge of the table so he wouldn’t start touching Nick. He knew that if he started, he wouldn’t be able to stop.

“Let’s go upstairs.”

“What?” he asked, sure Nick didn’t mean that.

“So I can put you on the bed for a good, long blowjob that starts out by licking you all over.” Nick unbuttoned the first button of Drew’s shirt, and ducked his head down to kiss there.

Drew closed his eyes, tightening his grip on the table.

“How many orgasms do you think it’ll take to get you back to normal?” Nick asked, and squeezed his hips, kissing his neck. Drew moaned softly. “One?” Nick guessed. “Two?” Nick chuckled, a gentle vibration against his skin. “Seventeen?”

Drew wanted Nick to suck his dick again. “You already… You don’t…”

“Yeah, I got mine this morning,” Nick said. “That doesn’t mean I’m not happy to give you yours.” Wet, sucking kisses down Drew’s chest, Nick taking care of the last buttons. “Besides.” Nick licked Drew’s abs. “You know how hot you make me. You give me another five minutes of kissing on your body, and Tommy’s going to start talking.” Nick looked up at Drew with a wicked grin, licking his lips. “Then we can have some real fun.”

Nick picked up his keys, then frowned at the shopping bags sitting before the front door. “What are these?” he asked, crouching.

“What are what?” Jeff called back from the bedroom.

Clothes. Bags of clothes. Bags of clothes from stores Nick had never set foot inside. Jeff had gone shopping with Nick and Drew yesterday. Nick pulled a shirt from a bag, lifting it, staring. He tried to picture Jeff wearing anything that-

“Oh, yeah,” Jeff said. “I meant to stash that stuff somewhere before you ran into it.”

Nick dropped the shirt quickly, wondering how to stand without exposing his state of arousal. “How much did this cost?” Inwardly, he winced. It wasn’t like they couldn’t afford it.

“It didn’t cost us anything,” Jeff said. “Drew and Nick paid for it.”

“They did?”

“Despite my protests, yes,” Jeff said. “Here, let me move this,” he said, reaching for the bags.

Nick rose, pulling at his shirt to try to cover his hard-on. “Are you ever going to wear that stuff?” He picked up a bag to help Jeff.

“No,” Jeff said. “Not unless I decide to go to a gay bar on ‘hustlers get in free’ night.” He reached for the bag in Nick’s hand. “Here, I’ve got it. You were on your way out.”

“It’s okay,” Nick said.

“Okay.” Jeff cast him a quick, odd glance, then led the way back to the bedroom. Dropping the bags on the bed, Jeff began to pull the new clothes out, to put somewhere.

Nick picked up what had to be pants. They were shaped like pants, with two legs, but they felt like butter-soft skin, and they were small, too small. Those pants, stretched skin-tight over Jeff’s thighs-

“May I help you?” Jeff asked.

“What? No,” Nick said, hastily handing over the pants. “I have to…”

“Go?” Jeff guessed.

“Yes,” he said, relieved. He kissed Jeff’s cheek. “Bye.”

Joey let himself into his house. He had to shower and change, then-

“Joey?” Justin came down the stairs. “What happened?”

“Hey,” Joey said. “I’ve got to run and get dressed. I should, I have to-”

“What happened?” Justin asked, looking concerned.

Damn it. When had he become transparent? “Nothing,” Joey said. “Nothing, it’s…” Screw it. He couldn’t lie to Justin. “I spent the night with Lance. I told him I love him and he didn’t care, he didn’t even blink.”

“What?” Justin guided him to the sofa, sitting beside him. “He didn’t say anything?”

“He asked me what I wanted, like I’d told him I’m in love with him to get something.”

“Lance thinks he’s been heartbroken and traumatized. Ruined by love. You can be the one who brings him back from it.”

“I don’t think he wants me to be the one.”

“Did you…get anything else done while you were there?” Justin made vague hand gestures.

“Yeah,” Joey said. He wasn’t sure what to say; he couldn’t talk about Lance the way he talked about women.

“After you told him the big news?” Justin asked, surprised.

“Before,” Joey said.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“He probably needs to take a minute,” Justin said. “Get used to it. Mull it over.”

“Yeah. He did… Before I told him, I asked if I could go over there again tonight, and he said yes. Then after I told him, he mentioned it again, like I could still come over.”

“There you go,” Justin said. “He’s taking a minute, getting used to it. It’ll be okay.”

“I hope so,” Joey said. “This being in love stuff is scarier than I thought it would be.”

“It’s worth it,” Justin said, wrapping his arm around Joey’s shoulders. “And no matter what, Lance is still Lance, and you’re still Joey, and once he stops fighting it, it’ll be so good.”

“Yeah?” Joey asked, putting his arm around Justin’s waist.

“Take it from me.”

“What, you’re some kind of expert now?” Joey asked.

Justin grinned. “I’m the expert.”

“How’re you doing?” Joey asked. “Seriously.”

“Great,” Justin said. “JC and I are so good - - last night, we had amazing sex, it was fantastic, we were swinging from the rafters. This morning, we were right back to normal, we were totally ourselves. We’re a lot more…fluid. You know, we don’t get into something and get stuck there. We get into the deep love phase, but we can come right back out of it into normal real life mode again.”

“That’s good,” Joey said. “Wait. Wait. Where’s JC?”

Justin smiled. “He went to the studio.”

“You’re not with him.”

Justin grinned. “No, I’m not.”

“He’s there. He’s there, and you’re here.”

“You are correct. Would you like to collect one of our fabulous prizes?” Justin asked, laughing.

“He’s there, you’re here, and you’re in a good mood about it!” Joey said in mock horror. “What’s happened to you?”

“It’s fun,” Justin said. “I miss him a little. But it feels good to miss him. He’s doing his thing, and he can put himself into it entirely, without having to worry about me. I’m going to start working on the house. I think that’ll be my new project, to give me something to do so I won’t be climbing all over JC.”

“You’re serious about this,” Joey said. “You don’t know how good I feel,” he said, and squeezed Justin.

“Air, air,” Justin said, pushing Joey off of him.

“I love you and I love JC,” Joey said, kissing his cheeks loudly. “Tell me more about this house project.”

AJ locked his car and called, “Lance!”

Halfway up the walk, Lance stopped and turned back towards the parking lot.

“James,” AJ said, jogging up to him. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you. When can we get a minute?”

“I’m here now,” Lance said.

“A real talk, privately,” AJ said.

“Follow me.” Lance walked into the building, bypassing the main studio for a smaller, crowded room with a refrigerator, microwave, and conference table. He closed the door and stood, waiting. “What?”

“I don’t want to do it like this,” AJ said, taking off his sunglasses.

Lance’s expression conveyed the fact that he didn’t really care.

“James.” AJ put his hands on Lance’s hips, bringing Lance closer, raising his hands to the sides of Lance’s face, resting his forehead against Lance’s. “You know I love you,” he said, his voice low, his fingers trailing down Lance’s temples. “I know you need me right now. I hate everything I’ve done to put us where we are. Outside of the guys, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had. Outside of the guys, there’s no one I love more than you.”

“But?” Lance asked, looping his arms over AJ’s shoulders.

“It’s this thing with Kevin,” AJ said. His fingers crawled back through Lance’s hair. “He’s the one for me. If I want to keep him, there are things that I have to prove to him. I have to stay away from you for a while. No visits. No calls. No contact.”

Lance dropped his eyes.

“James. I’m sorry. For everything.”

Lance closed his eyes.

“Don’t let me ruin you. Don’t give me that kind of power over you. There are people who love you, care about you, who only want to see you happy, who only want to celebrate you. Your guys. Especially Joey.”

“Does Kevin know he’s playing with dynamite?” Lance asked.

“He thinks he can handle it,” AJ said.

Lance snorted.

AJ smiled. “James. Promise me something.”

Lance opened his eyes. “Promise you?”

“Promise me, and yourself, and your mother, and God, and Joey, and JC. Chris and Justin. Anyone. Everything.”

“Promise what?” Lance asked.

“No more drugs. None. And back off the sauce.”

Lance put his hands on AJ’s waist. AJ felt so different from Joey. “When is Kevin going to let you come out and play?”

“I don’t know,” AJ said. “It could be a long time.”

“I’ve hated you so much it took over my life.”

AJ’s thumbs stroked Lance’s cheeks. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“I would’ve taken you back any time you wanted.”

“I know. That’s why I couldn’t come back. We’d fall right back into each other, and then where would Kevin and Joey be?”

“Fuck Kevin and Joey,” Lance said. “Does Kevin even let you top?”

“He will,” AJ said. “When I ask him for it.”

“Straight guys aren’t worth it,” Lance said, drawing AJ’s hips closer. “Come back to me.”

AJ closed his eyes. “I love you, I do, you know I always will. But I can’t be with you anymore, not like that. I love Kevin, and I’m with him, and that’s where I belong.”

Lance closed his eyes.

“Promise me,” AJ said. “I hate leaving you right now. I won’t be able to go until I know you’ll be okay.”

“I promise,” Lance whispered. “No more drugs.”

“Go to Joey,” AJ said. “At least tonight. For me. He’ll take care of you.”

“I don’t want someone to take care of me, I want someone to worship me,” Lance said.

“Right now, you need someone to take care of you,” AJ said. “Joey does both, anyway.”

Lance’s eyes opened.

“Be good to yourself,” AJ said, opening his eyes, lifting his forehead from Lance’s.

“Make sure he treats you right,” Lance said, dropping his arms.

AJ kissed his thumb, then rubbed it across Lance’s mouth. “I love you.”

“I love you,” Lance said, looking into AJ’s eyes, remembering how good things once had been.

AJ left the room, slipping on his sunglasses.

First Brian, then Justin Jeffre, now Chris asked, “Where’s Justin?”

JC had to laugh. “He’s at Joey’s,” he explained for the third time. “He’s spending today tracking down interior decorators. We’re going to start making the house our own.”

“He’s not here?” Chris asked.

JC smiled. “No, but I’ll tell him you asked about him.”

“I don’t think I understand,” Chris said. “Let’s sort this out. You’re here, and Justin’s not here?”

The door opened for Nick Timmons-Lachey. “Good morning.”

“And good morning to you,” Chris said.

“We’re only missing AJ?” Nick asked, looking around the room. “Where’s Justin?” he asked JC.

Drew felt loose-limbed and relaxed. He draped himself over Nick and tangled his fingers in Nick’s hair.

“Better?” Nick asked.

Drew hummed. He felt good all over.

“I feel sorry for Brian. When he gets home, he won’t make it halfway through the door before you throw him down and take him.”

Hmm. That sounded nice.

The phone rang.

Drew scowled. They were interrupting his glow.

“Don’t worry, I’ll get it,” Nick said, and shoved Drew off of himself, onto the floor, before rolling over and reaching for the phone. “Nick, Drew, and Brian’s house, in order of importance.”

Drew climbed back onto the bed.

“What? What? You need help from me? I’m sorry, I thought you said you were Kevin Richardson.”

Drew chuckled, tucking himself into Nick’s warm spot.

Nick leaned back into Drew, squashing him. “Where are you? No, stay there. I have something to take care of, too, so we can stone some birds. You know what I mean. I’ll be over in a minute. What, you can wait, you don’t have anything else to do. I’m on my way. Okay. Bye.” Nick hung up and ignored Drew trying to shove him off. “I’m going over to AJ’s to talk to Kevin. You can’t come.”

“I’ll survive,” Drew said. “Kill two birds with one stone?”

“See, you knew what I meant.”

Drew pulled Nick’s hair. “You knew exactly how to say it.”

“Yeah, but I like messing with Kevin.”

Chris tucked his fingers in JC’s belt loop, tugging JC off to one side. “Might I speak with you privately?”

“Yeah, what is it?” JC asked, all attention.

“Um…” Chris untucked his fingers. “I don’t want to keep you away from Justin. It might even be for the best if he joined us.”

“For what?” JC asked.

“Tonight, after we’re finished here. I have something to buy, and I thought that it might be nice to get advice.”

“We’ll come with you,” JC said. “What are you buying?”

“It’s a secret, and if you tell anyone but Justin, I will slaughter your hair care products.”

“I won’t tell,” JC promised.

Chris whispered in JC’s ear.

JC beamed.

“You’re sworn to secrecy!” Chris reminded him.

JC hugged him tightly.

“Eek,” Chris said.

Brian stepped into the bathroom to see AJ standing with his hands braced against the sink, head down. “AJ?”

AJ let out a slow, painful breath. “Yeah,” he said, without lifting his head.

Brian had known AJ long enough to take that as a cue to stay. He walked closer and asked, keeping his voice kind but not patronizing, “What is it?”

“I walked away from someone who needed me today.” AJ shook his head. “Someone I say I love.”

“What happened?” Brian asked. He wished he could see AJ’s eyes. Only AJ would wear sunglasses inside a bathroom.

“I’ve been accused of not having loved Lance, but I did,” AJ said, straightening, facing Brian. “I may not have loved Lance like JC loves Justin, but I was in love with him, and I still love him now. Love like that isn’t something you run into every day. Not everybody has four best friends, four brothers, four people who are always by your side who push you to be a better man. A friendship like Lance and I could have shared isn’t something you just throw away.”

Brian nodded, listening, piecing things together in his mind.

“I had a life before I came to Kevin. It isn’t fair to Kevin that he has to compete with my past, but it isn’t fair to Lance that because I made mistakes, I have to sacrifice him for Kevin’s sake.”

“It’s not an easy situation,” Brian said.

“I told Lance that in time, we can be friends, but why should he stand for that? Why should he take me back when I decide it’s acceptable to spend time with him again? Or what if things don’t work out with Kevin? Then I’ve thrown Lance over for nothing!”

“If your bond with Lance is as strong as you’ve said it is, then he’ll be there for you,” Brian said.

“I don’t remember the last time I did right by him,” AJ said.

“You got him off drugs,” Brian said.

“Lance got himself off drugs,” AJ said.

“He wouldn’t have done it without you.”

“Maybe not,” AJ said, sighing. He pressed his fingertips to his forehead. “Fuck.”

“Did Kevin ask you to stop being friends with Lance?” Brian asked.

“Of course not,” AJ said. “Not in words. It’s… If I’m going to get into this, I have to start at the beginning. Do you have time for this?”

“AJ, for you, I am all ears,” Brian said.

“I don’t give a fuck what Jack on the street thinks of me. But the people I care about, it matters to me. I want them to think well of me. My mom, the four of you. The way I’ve been acting, it’s disappointing you, all of you, and I know that. Every last one of you has been radiating this air of disappointment. I can’t fucking take it.”

Brian didn’t know what to say to that. “I wasn’t as bad as Kevin, was I?”

“No one is as bad as Kevin,” AJ said. “What I have to do is change. Real change, fundamental change, inside. I can’t just change, either; I have to show it. Live it out. I have to be different, and stay different. Kevin has to know that I won’t change back, and revert to the way I was.”

Brian nodded, not wanting to speak and interrupt AJ’s flow.

“No one trusts me, because no one’s been given any reason to trust me. It’s like I’m not even a decent person anymore. You know that fucks me. I hate being doubted. Jack doesn’t trust me, fine, but Kevin? I need for Kevin to trust me. His doubt, that makes me want to tear the house down. It’s just not happening for me.”

Brian knew how badly that must hurt AJ, not to mention wound his pride.

“I’ve been pretty damned selfish. It’s all about me. It’s all about my issues. If I want to be with Kevin, it has to be about him and his issues, too. I can’t be selfish anymore.”

Brian knew that people in even the strongest relationships had to struggle with that one sometimes.

“Kevin has a problem with my relationship with Lance,” AJ said. “I can’t even say that he’s wrong. If one of sexy Kevin’s ex-girlfriends were hanging around trying to be Kevin’s best friend, I’d yank her out of his life so fast there would be a fucking time warp. Nothing is a threat to Kevin, nothing on this planet, but if anything were, it would be Lance. Kevin knows that. I know that. Lance knows that.”

Brian could just imagine what AJ would say to someone trying to move in on Kevin. He felt sorry for anyone in that position.

“If I want to keep Kevin, I have to distance myself from Lance. That’s all it comes down to. I can’t balance them. I can’t risk Kevin. I had to put a hold on my friendship with Lance. I did it. I told Lance this morning. It was like turning out the lights in a little corner of my heart.”

“AJ…” Brian wanted to comfort him.

“Do you know what this means?” AJ asked.

“It means that you’re committed to your relationship with Kevin, and he’s going to see that,” Brian said.

“It means that I have to walk away from Howie.”

“No,” Brian said immediately.

“Brian, it’s the same thing. Howie’s me, Chris is Kevin, and I’m Lance. Chris sees me as a threat, I know he does, he hates me, he wants me gone. It’s so fucking inappropriate for me and Howie to be friends, I don’t know why Chris hasn’t had me taken out!”

“You and Howie are not you and Lance. You’re Backstreet Boys!” Brian said. “It’s not the same.”

“If you were best friends with Kelly, and she were around all of the time, and the two of you were off touring the world leaving Nick at home, how would he feel?” AJ asked.

“That’s not fair,” Brian said.

“It’s the same thing!”

“You can’t stop being Howie’s best friend! Chris would never ask that. AJ, what are you going to do? Leave the Backstreet Boys?”

“The Backstreet Boys is my job. I can work with Howie and not be in the rest of his life.”

“The Backstreet Boys is so much more than a job, I can’t believe you’d even say that,” Brian said. “You’re jumping to conclusions. All situations are not the same. All people are not the same.”

“Chris said things to me…” AJ shook his head.

“Talk to him about this,” Brian said. “Tell him what you’re thinking. I think that just the fact that you’re seeing his side of it will make you more aware of how your interactions with Howie affect him, and that on its own will change things. Just talk to him, before you do anything. And stop being ridiculous.”

“I thought you’d give me some spiritual guidance. No, I get great advice. ‘Stop being ridiculous.’”

“You want spiritual guidance?” Brian asked. “Howie will be your brother for the rest of your life. He will always love you, and he will always support you, no matter what happens. Chris has his own best friends, and he knows what that’s like, and he understands that some ties can’t be broken. You have to trust Chris to respect that bond.”

“And?”

“When you’re in a room, you’re the center of attention. All eyes are on you. All thoughts are about you. Yet you’ve lain in bed at night with Howie, and all he talked about was Chris. That was in a time when their relationship was weak. Now that it’s stronger than it’s ever been? Now that you’re tied to Kevin? You’re no threat to Chris. You know that. Howie knows that. Howie loves Chris, and he’s going to prove to Chris that Chris can be happy and secure with him. I’ve seen them together, and Chris doesn’t have to worry about anyone. He’ll learn that.”

“You can do better than that,” AJ said.

“AJ, I don’t know about you, but I find it pretty hard to be all that spiritual when I have to pee this badly,” Brian said.

AJ laughed. “I’m sorry. You go ahead and work that out.” He gave Brian a brief hug. “Thanks for the ear.”

“Any time,” Brian said. AJ left; Brian peed and washed his hands, hoping that AJ wouldn’t do anything stupid like avoid Howie. Then again, if AJ tried that, Howie would figure it out and stop it as soon as it began.

Stepping into the hallway, Brian recalled that JC had said something about a break room that doubled as a conference room. Since Brian planned to spend a good part of his time in the building, he thought he might as well learn the layout. He opened the door to the break room, intending to take a quick peek, and saw Lance sitting on the sofa in the far corner.

Crying.

Lance had given Brian a horrible scare once, one he wasn’t sure he’d seen the last of. Still, he realized that Lance had been a very troubled person for some time now, and he had no desire to mock Lance’s pain. Brian backed up, intending to give Lance privacy, but Lance looked up and spotted him.

Lance froze. He looked downright stricken.

“Excuse me,” Brian said, and left as gracefully as he could. He went back into the studio and stopped short. AJ was out. JC? Chris? JC was more likely to be comforting to someone in pain, and more likely to be comfortable with someone in pain, than Chris, but JC and Lance had an awkward recent history.

“Brian?” JC asked.

Brian made his decision. He’d speak to JC, and let JC decide for himself whether to hand off the situation to Chris. “I just ran into Lance,” he said softly, for JC’s ears only. “He’s in the break room, and he seems upset.”

“Upset?” JC asked.

“He looks like he could use someone to talk to, but I don’t think he’d want to talk to me.”

“I’ll…” JC hesitated, apparently conflicted. “I’ll be right back.”

Brian nodded and watched him go.

Lance blew his nose and tossed the tissue into the trash can, heading for the door. Opening the door, he almost collided with JC.

“Lance,” JC said. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine,” Lance said, mentally cursing, knowing full well that JC would see his red eyes.

“Do you want to talk about it?” JC asked, overlooking that answer, gently steering Lance back into the room and closing the door.

“He told you,” Lance realized.

“Brian said you looked like you could use a friend,” JC said.

“It was him, he’s, fuck,” Lance said, and turned away.

“You’re upset about Brian?” JC asked, confused.

“Has Joey talked to you?” Lance asked, facing JC again.

“Yes,” JC said.

“Did he tell you he thinks he’s in love with me?”

“Yes,” JC said.

“Did he explain what the hell he thinks being in love is?”

“Some of it.”

“I didn’t think to ask him that. I should have. I’m going to have to. I think we all think it’s different things, and the trick is to find someone whose definition matches yours. I don’t know what the hell Joey thinks love is. I don’t know what the hell I think love is.”

“Are you in love?” JC asked.

“Oh, hell, yes, I’m in love with everybody I can’t have! AJ, Joey, you, it’s a fucking party!” Lance shouted.

“You’re in love with me?” JC asked, taking hold of Lance’s forearm to keep him still.

Lance looked down at JC’s hand.

JC let go.

“Yes,” Lance said, walking across the room. “I think so. Maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m so damned lonely, and so fucking pathetic, I’ll latch on to anyone who gives me five fucking minutes of his precious time.”

“Lance, you’re not pathetic,” JC said. “You don’t have to be lonely, either. We don’t want you to be.”

“The real question is, why are you being nice to me?” Lance asked, abruptly turning to face him, walking closer.

“You’re hurt,” JC said. “There were things that I wanted to confront you about, but they’re in the past. I’m willing to forgive and forget, if you give me reason. And right now, you’re hurt, and I want to help you.”

“AJ said good-bye to me today,” Lance said, walking away again. “He said that he has to end his friendship with me because he has things to prove to Kevin. Hell, if I were Kevin, I’d want me the hell out of AJ’s life, too. AJ said good-bye. Joey said he loves me. I was sitting in here, feeling sorry for myself, hating myself, and then Brian walked in and…”

“And?” JC asked. Lance kept mentioning Brian, as though there were some significance there, something JC didn’t catch.

Lance sat on the sofa. “I miss AJ.”

“I know how much you loved him,” JC said, sitting beside Lance. “When things were good between you, they were really good.”

“We would’ve been great friends,” Lance said. “AJ and I had this connection.”

“You still can be great friends,” JC said. “Things will settle down.”

“You understand, don’t you?” Lance asked, looking at JC. “How I could love him that much, and then hate him that much, and now miss him and want his friendship?”

“I do,” JC said. “Even all of that hatred couldn’t destroy all of that love. Maybe you weren’t meant to be together in the romantic sense, but now that things have changed, you don’t want to lose that bond altogether.”

“Did Joey tell you we’ve been having sex?” Lance asked.

“Yeah,” JC said, nodding.

“I thought it was something I could use,” Lance said. “I thought I could use sex. I thought I could use Joey. And it worked, but only to a point. I could scandalize Chris, I could torture Justin, I could alienate you, but no matter how hard I pushed Joey’s buttons, he would never respond the way I wanted him to.”

“He never gave up on you,” JC said. “I think that’s why the rest of us never fully could. Every time we thought we were at our breaking point, we’d back down just a little, just enough.”

“I would have been okay just having sex with Joey. Sex with friendship, but without love. I could have dealt with that.”

“It wouldn’t have made you happy,” JC said.

“Having sex with Joey Fatone would make anyone happy,” Lance said. “I had no idea it would be that good. He thinks he doesn’t know what he’s doing, but he knows. Believe me, he knows.”

“That’s a lot of information I don’t have to have,” JC said.

“JC, if anything ever happens to you, you can run to tell Justin, Joey, Chris, Nick, Brian, or anyone else,” Lance said. “I haven’t talked to anyone about anything, and I have to get some of it out.”

“Okay,” JC said, putting his back to the armrest, kicking off his sandals and tucking his bare toes under Lance’s thigh. He leaned forward, eyes on Lance. “Tell me everything.”

Lance lifted his leg just to check. Glitter nail polish, toe ring. He got comfortable and said, “I don’t know where to start. Everything’s been slipping away from me at the same time it feels like everything’s piling up on me. I started using just to escape, but then I started using to cope, more than anything else. Now even that’s gone, and I feel like I need it more than I ever did. I didn’t know how much I was relying on it to get me through the day, until it was gone.”

“I’m so glad you’ve stopped,” JC said, and put his arms around Lance. “Thank you. I’m so glad. Nothing’s that bad.”

“Everyone’s excited about the drugs being gone, but what does that leave me with?” Lance asked when JC let go. “What do I have now?”

“You have us,” JC said.

“I have Joey,” Lance corrected.

“You have all of us,” JC said. “Lance, we can start fresh from today, we can start all over from right here. The two of us. I will be here for you.”

“You,” Lance said.

“Me,” JC said. “If you’d make things right with Chris and Justin, you could have them, too.”

“Where is Justin?” Lance asked.

“Probably still at Joey’s,” JC said. “He’s finding interior decorators today to start on the house.”

“You’re spending all day apart?” Lance asked.

“Yes,” JC said.

“Is he okay? Are you okay?”

“It’s good for us to spend time apart,” JC said. “It’s not healthy for us to spend every minute together, every day. We get too attached. Today, I’m working on my project, and he’s going to work on his project.” JC leaned his side against the back of the couch, resting his temple there, looking up at Lance. “Let’s talk about you.”

Lance slid down until the back of his head was against the back of the couch, so that he was eye level with JC. He turned his head to the side and met JC’s gaze. “I’m in love with Joey, and if you tell anyone, I’ll…”

“You’ll what?” JC asked softly, gently.

“Fuck it.” Lance looked away. “I can’t make myself hurt you. I don’t want to hurt Justin as much as I tell myself I do.”

“You’re jealous of him,” JC said, his voice still soft, gentle.

“Yes.”

“You don’t have to be. You shouldn’t be. You’re different people. He has things you don’t have. You have things he doesn’t have.”

“He has the spotlight. The fame. He has the beauty and charm and talent.” Lance looked at JC. “He has you.”

JC smiled. “You’re smart, Lance. You’re mature. You have a thicker skin than Justin has. You take care of business. Don’t tell Justin this, but if I weren’t in love with him, I’d think your voice is much sexier. You are sexy. You’re incredibly hot. If I weren’t married, I’d be overwhelmed to have you come on to me. I know you overwhelm Joey. He doesn’t know which way is up anymore.”

“Did I ever have a chance with you?” Lance asked. “Was there ever a day you wanted me?”

“Yes,” JC said. “There was a time when it was you. Before Justin.”

“Why didn’t you ever do anything?”

“I didn’t want anything to happen to the group. If I’d made a move, and you’d taken it badly, or if we’d gotten together, and then had a bad break-up… I couldn’t let anything jeopardize *NSYNC.”

“There was a time when it was Joey, too, wasn’t there?” Lance asked. “And a time when it was Chris?”

“Yes.”

“You’re a whore, you know that.”

JC smiled. “I love you guys.”

Lance made a noise of disbelief.

“Do you want Joey?” JC asked.

“He’s not exactly my usual type,” Lance said. “Usually I pick pretty boys. Slender, hairless, barely old enough to get in the club.”

“Joey’s a handsome man,” JC said.

“He’s straight,” Lance said.

“Does he want you?”

“How long is that going to last?”

“There are no guarantees,” JC said. “You have to love without a safety net. It was hard for me to learn that, but Justin’s worth it. Joey isn’t worth it?”

“How can you say that you have no guarantees? If you stopped loving Justin, he’d die.”

“Don’t say that,” JC said.

“I’m not putting myself out there again,” Lance said. “I did it once, and you know what happened. This time, it’s even riskier. I won’t do it.”

“You’re going to let what happened with AJ dictate how you live the rest of your life? When things were good, they were really good. You don’t ever want to feel that way again?”

“You just told me that you’re in love with Joey.”

“That doesn’t mean anything. That doesn’t mean that I’m going to be with him. I’m in love with him, yeah. I want him, yeah. I’m in love with you, and I want you, and we’re not together.”

“Lance, I’m too much for you. I’d be fun for a month, and then you’d get tired of me. We’d be amazing, we’d be incredible, we’d be white-hot. But it wouldn’t last. I want something that’s going to last, and so do you.”

“You think Joey and I would last?” Lance asked.

“He adores you,” JC said. “You can do no wrong. You’re his hero. You’re his best friend. Joey’s a nurturing person. He wants someone he can take care of, and he wants to take care of you.”

“Maybe that’s what this is about,” Lance said. “I fell apart, and he wants to put me back together. As soon as I’m patched up, he’ll get bored.”

“It’s more than that,” JC said. “Does he let you know he’s attracted to you?”

“He’s all over me,” Lance said. “Hands everywhere.”

“The sex is good?”

“The sex is great, when he goes through with it. There was a period where we’d get to a certain point, and he’d push me away. If he’s going to do that for every sexual milestone, I’m going to lose my patience.”

“How many sexual milestones have you hit?”

“The ones that involve him being the man,” Lance said. “He gets to fuck me, he gets his dick sucked.”

“Do you think he’d be interested in reciprocation?” JC asked.

“He’s straight,” Lance said. “Straight men don’t suck dick.”

“I want you to talk to him,” JC said. “I want you to try. Don’t give up right now. Don’t write off the possibility of a relationship before you really try.”

“I’ll think about it,” Lance said.

“Is there something bothering you about Brian?” JC asked.

“He’s... Fuck, he’s…” Lance sighed, looking at the ceiling. “Every time I start feeling like my life is shit. Or, every time I start to get smug.”

“Yeah?” JC asked.

“He pops up. Into my head. Damning me. He’s like my fucking guilty conscience. I accused him of something. I don’t even know if what I thought was true, is true. That doesn’t even matter. It’s none of my business. It has nothing to do with me. He’s never done anything to me. It’s eating at me. I was wrong in what I did to him, and I was even more wrong in what I almost did, and if what I thought was true is true, then I could have destroyed him and everyone he loves. And if it’s not, I still could have done so much damage... And I held that over his head.”

“Joey was enchanted with him,” JC said.

“What?” Lance asked.

“That’s why you were so angry you hit him,” JC said. “Joey was enchanted, and didn’t pretend not to be.”

“So was Justin. So were you.”

“Brian was a threat to you.”

“That’s no excuse. Every time I feel like I’m on top of the world, and every time I’m down so far I think I can’t get any lower, he pops into my head.”

“Brian’s a good person,” JC said. “So are you, at heart.”

“I’m a good person?” Lance asked. “Did Justin tell you I came this close to fucking him in Terry’s house?”

“Yes,” JC said.

Lance stared.

JC waited for Lance to speak first.

“He did?” Lance asked, his voice hollow.

“Yes,” JC said.

“And you’re still speaking to me?”

“I’m willing to put it behind us, if you’re willing to change,” JC said.

“Change to what?” Lance asked.

“My friend, and not my enemy.”

“He told you,” Lance said. “You knew. And you’re here anyway.”

“Yes,” JC said, gazing into Lance’s eyes.

“What does it take to get rid of you people?” Lance asked with desperation.

JC smiled. “I don’t think that’s ever going to happen.”

“You love me,” Lance said.

“I always have,” JC said. “You’re Lance.”

Lance stared at JC.

JC wiggled his toes under Lance’s thigh.

“AJ thinks that Joey’s the one for me,” Lance said.

“I think he is, too,” JC said. “But you’re not going to believe it until he proves it.”

“How can he prove it?” Lance asked.

“By making you feel it,” JC said. “That’s going to be hard, because you have a lot of defenses up.”

“You and I can be friends?” Lance asked. “Like we were?”

“No,” JC said. “Closer.”

“What about Chris?” Lance asked.

“Give Chris an inch of love, and he’ll give you a mile of it,” JC said. “But it has to be real. Please, don’t hurt him.”

Lance nodded.

“You and Joey could be so happy together,” JC said. “I want to see you happy. You deserve it. So does Joey. He’s lonely, too.”

“I know he is,” Lance said.

“You’ll give him a chance?” JC asked.

“I might as well,” Lance said. “There are benefits to being with him. Like the size of his dick.”

JC laughed.

“Now I know what all of those women see in him.”

Kevin opened the front door. “Come in.”

“Hey,” Nick said, walking into AJ’s house. “Are you allowed to have people over while AJ’s not here?”

“You don’t count as people,” Kevin said.

“What do you need my help with?” Nick asked.

“Do you remember when I talked to you about sex?”

“Yeah,” Nick said. “Sexual responsibility. It didn’t work. I don’t use condoms at all anymore.”

“You’re monogamous, and you’re not going to get Drew pregnant,” Kevin said. “I think it’ll be okay.”

“So?” Nick asked, sitting on AJ’s sofa.

“I need you to give me a sex talk.”

Nick frowned. “What?”

“I knew this was a mistake,” Kevin said.

“Can you sit down?” Nick asked.

Kevin paced.

“All right, give me a minute,” Nick said. “Sex talk. What would I know anything about, that you don’t already - - oh. Wait, you do give head, don’t you?”

Kevin cast him a dark look. “Yes.”

“Just checking,” Nick said. “But you know about anal sex. You do AJ.”

“That’s different,” Kevin said.

“Why me?” Nick asked. “Wouldn’t you rather talk about this with AJ?”

“I don’t want him to know that I’m worried about it. I’d rather talk about this with anyone besides you, but you won’t pull any punches.”

“That’s me,” Nick said. “You’re worried? About what? Pain?”

“Pain doesn’t bother me,” Kevin said.

“Masculinity,” Nick said.

Kevin stopped pacing, his back to Nick.

“Are you buying into that sexist homophobic bullshit about guys who take it up the ass not being real men?” Nick asked. “You take it on your back, you’re a woman. You take it on your stomach, you’re a queer faggot.”

“I’ve never said that,” Kevin said.

“You’re thinking it,” Nick said.

“I never thought it about you,” Kevin said, pivoting to face him. “Not you, or Brian, or AJ, or Howie. Ever.”

“I believe you,” Nick said. “Sit down.”

Kevin paced.

Nick rolled his eyes. “Fine. Kevin, if you don’t think that about us, why would you think that about yourself?”

“I’ll think well of the four of you no matter what you do. My image of myself is a lot more rigid. The idea of letting another man… It can’t happen.”

“Has AJ ever touched you there, at all?”

“No,” Kevin said.

“Never?”

“No.”

“So he knows you’re not into it.”

“He’s happy with what we do. I don’t know how long that’ll last. He’s going to get restless. He’s used to more. He’s going to want more. I don’t know if I can give him that.”

“I’m going to make you uncomfortable.”

“More than I already am?”

“Yes. I just wanted to warn you.”

“Thanks,” Kevin muttered, pacing in the other direction.

“Forget about dicks for a minute. What about AJ’s tongue, or his fingers? That’s not fucking you, that’s pleasuring you.”

“Nick,” Kevin said, wincing, uncomfortable, warning.

“If he tries it with his tongue, just that, nothing else, and you like it, then the next time, you could let him use his fingers, too. You could get used to that. You’re going to start to like it so much, you’re going to want his dick.”

“Nick.”

“Do you want me to talk to him for you? You’re a couple, you should be able to talk about this stuff with each other, but I can talk to him for you, since you’re a big coward.”

“Nick!” Kevin exclaimed, exasperated.

“Yeah, hold on, I have to look up something first,” Nick said, getting up and going to AJ’s computer.

“You have a computer,” Kevin said.

“There’s a site AJ has bookmarked. He had a special order understanding with the company, for privacy. Is this thing on-line?”

“Move over.” Kevin got him connected to the internet.

“Thanks.” Nick checked AJ’s bookmarks and pulled up a website.

“Oh, god!” Kevin said. “Nick!”

“What?” Nick asked.

“What are you doing?”

“Ordering shit.”

“For what?”

“My sex life, so get out of my business,” Nick said.

“Nick, you have two lovers. Why would you want any of that?”

“If you were a bottom boy, you’d know.” Nick moved through the site quickly. He seemed to know exactly what he wanted, and examined the merchandise with an experienced eye. Only once did he pause to deliberate. “Shit. I wish I could see it in person. I can’t tell how big it is.”

“The measurements are right there,” Kevin said, and read them for himself. “Oh, Nick. That’s not anatomically possible.”

“You have so much to learn,” Nick said.

“AJ buys things from this site?” Kevin asked.

“Handcuffs, mostly,” Nick said. “This is where Brian and I bought most of the stuff we already have. It isn’t like I can walk into public perv stores and pick up a dildo without ending up on the news.”

“How much are you buying?” Kevin asked as Nick viewed his virtual shopping cart.

“It’s a tough question. I have to scandalize Drew without scaring him off, and tantalize him without making him think ‘pervert.’ Of course, I can always buy more,” Nick mused.

“Someone should warn Drew,” Kevin said.

“Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it,” Nick said, filling out his billing information. “Do you want me to talk to AJ for you?”

“I’ll do it myself,” Kevin said.

“You won’t, and you know it,” Nick said. “I’ll do it.”

“Thank you,” Kevin said.

Nick stood and embraced Kevin. “I love you, too.” He kissed Kevin’s cheek. “Gotta run. Brian’s growing up today, and I want to be home in case he needs me. Bye!” Nick was out the front door.

Kevin shook his head. “Amazing.”

Lance and JC were sitting close together in a tangle of body parts. JC was gazing into Lance’s eyes with all of his attention, as he only did to his closest of all friends. Lance was telling JC about the time he and Joey had almost had sex in his kitchen.

The door opened. “Whoa,” Chris said. “I came to find you, and Brian said you might be in here, but he never said you’d be with…him.”

“I really have to go,” JC said to Lance.

“I know,” Lance said, getting up, helping up JC. “Work, work, work.”

“I’ll see you soon,” JC said, hugging Lance.

“I miss everything,” Chris said.

JC kissed Lance’s cheek and left the room.

“I believe it’s time for my hasty escape,” Chris said.

“Wait,” Lance said. “Chris.”

Chris paused, eyeing Lance warily. “Yes, Satan?”

“You know I’ve always loved you.”

“Is that why you tried to get Howie to leave me?”

“That wasn’t about you. I was entertaining myself.”

“Buy a coloring book.” Lance was stepping closer, so Chris backed towards the door.

“You know how I feel about Howie.”

“You know how I feel about Howie,” Chris said.

“I won’t do it again.”

“Promise?”

“I promise,” Lance said.

Chris’s back hit the door. He jumped, then glared at Lance. “With sprinkles and a cherry on top?”

“With sprinkles and a cherry on top,” Lance promised.

“JC loves you,” Chris said. “You really shouldn’t mess with him. I could say the same thing about Joey.”

“What about you?” Lance asked, planting one hand flat against the door. The fingers of his other hand began to walk up Chris’s chest. “Do you love me, Chris?”

“Yes,” Chris said. “Despite myself.”

“You’ve kissed Joey, haven’t you?”

“Once,” Chris said. “How about you? I hear you’re getting quite a bit of Joey action yourself. Is this touching really necessary? I’m starting to feel a teensy bit creeped out.”

“Would you like to kiss me?” Lance asked, his voice low and seductive.

“No, thank you. I have to decline your kind invitation.”

“Why not?” Lance asked, running his fingers through Chris’s hair.

“I’m spoken for.”

“Howie doesn’t have to know,” Lance said. “Nobody has to know.”

Chris studied Lance carefully. “You’re entertaining yourself.”

Lance laughed, stepping back. “I’m sorry. You’re too easy to play with.”

“Lance,” Chris said, “you’re an asshole. It makes me sick to think I’ve been trying to defend you.”

“I’m sorry,” Lance said. “I’m sorry. Thank you for defending me.”

“I don’t care if you entertain yourself with me. I can deal with it, and you can’t touch Howie. But Joey’s putting his heart on the line. You don’t have to love him back, there are ways to let him down easy. But don’t you dare break his heart. Joey’s a good man, a great guy, who’s never done anyone wrong, least of all you.”

“JC told me that I might still have a chance with you.”

“You always did. You never wanted to take it.”

“I want to take it now,” Lance said.

Chris scrutinized him. “You’re serious.”

“I miss you,” Lance said.

“You miss me?” Chris repeated incredulously.

“I miss you,” Lance said.

“Well, don’t knock yourself out,” Chris said. “You miss me? Hell. I don’t know whether or not to believe you.”

“Give me your friendship on a trial basis,” Lance said. “JC will vouch for me.”

“What about Howie?”

“Howie’s your business,” Lance said. “You’re with him, you’re in love with him, and I can respect that. I can’t forgive AJ and keep my grudge against Howie.”

“I don’t know about that,” Chris said. “I’ve forgiven Howie, and my hatred for AJ is alive and kicking.”

“Is that what happened to your hand?” Lance asked.

“Hey, no conversations,” Chris said. “We’re not friends.”

“I’d like for us to be friends,” Lance said. “Then I could tell you what JC said about you.”

“What did JC say about me?” Chris asked.

“That he used to want you.”

Chris put his hand on Lance’s shoulder. “I will be your best friend if you tell me more.”

Lance smiled. “Do you mean it?”

“I’m willing to shake on it,” Chris said. He hesitated. “How serious are you?”

“About JC wanting you?”

“That, and being friends.”

“I miss you,” Lance said. “Without you around to irritate me, I end up irritating myself. I’m lonely. You would never have let me feel that way.”

“You’ve broken a lot of hearts,” Chris said.

“Yours?” Lance asked.

“A little,” Chris said.

“Can we still be friends?”

“As long as you don’t hurt Joey.”

“I’ll work on it.”

“Or JC.”

“I’ll work on it.”

“Then I’ll work on being your friend,” Chris said. “First order of business, what’s this about JC wanting me?”

Justin hung up the phone. “Joey!”

“What?” Joey asked, poking his head into the room.

“We should have gone to the studio today. Lance was in the break room, crying. AJ had to cut off their friendship for Kevin’s sake, he’s messed up over you, there’s something about Brian-”

“Lance was crying?” Joey asked.

“I know,” Justin said, sharing his shock. “That’s not even the important part. JC talked to him, and now all of a sudden they’re best friends. If he hurts JC, I’ll kill him. And JC and I have to go out ring shopping with Chris tonight, because he’s going to propose to Howie! I wasn’t supposed to tell you that part.”

“Chris is proposing to Howie?” Joey asked. “Lance is crying? JC is Lance’s new best friend?”

“I can’t believe I picked today to stay home,” Justin said. “I can’t imagine Chris being married.”

“I still can’t imagine you being married,” Joey said.

“I still can’t picture you with a guy,” Justin said. “What do you even do in bed with Lance?”

Joey grinned. “Make JC look like an amateur.”

matthew@matthewtime.com
"Where You Belong" Part 55
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