"Where You Belong"

Where You Belong, eighth in the "Living" series

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Thus far we've had JC/Justin, Nick/Drew/Brian, Nick/Jeff, Nick/Drew/Brian/Nick/Jeff, AJ/Lance, AJ/Howie, AJ/Kevin, Chris/Howie, and partridge/pear tree.

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashwriters.

Wherein Drew won't go behind Brian's back, AJ can screw anybody he wants, and could JC be mellowing?

Notice: First, read "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," "Rest in Peace," "Destiny," and "Together." I know it sounds like a lot, but it'll only take you an hour or two.

Nick had left the table early. Brian and Drew had lingered, talking about Brian’s plans for the Sentimental Fools and Drew’s plans for the break, holding hands on the table, stroking each other’s fingers. Finally, Brian got up to clear the table. “Do we want to know what Nick’s doing?”

“Let me check on him,” Drew said, slipping off of his chair. “Be right back.” He checked in the front room, then went down the hallway. He heard noise coming from the den, and pushed open the door.

“Hey,” Nick said, sprawled on the sofa in shorts and a T-shirt. “Look at this.”

Drew turned to the TV, and what was onscreen registered just as Nick turned up the volume. It was like a jolt to his system.

Nick chuckled.

Drew whirled around, his back to the TV, and put his hands over his ears.

Nick turned up the volume.

Drew started singing to himself as he walked towards the door.

Nick got up and grabbed him, keeping him in the room, trying to turn him around.

Drew refused to budge.

Nick pushed harder.

As he turned to face the TV, Drew closed his eyes so he wouldn’t see, still singing.

New hands were on him, Brian’s hands. Drew risked opening his eyes. Brian grabbed the remote control from Nick and turned off the TV. Drew took his hands from his ears. “What’s happening in here?” Brian asked.

“Drew’s misbehaving,” Nick said.

“Nick’s being irritating,” Drew said.

“Why were we on TV?” Brian asked Nick.

“Drew likes to watch us,” Nick said.

“He was doing everything he could not to watch us,” Brian said.

“We are not getting into this,” Drew said.

“You’re not running away from this,” Nick said. “I hit a good layer, and it involves Brian, and you both deserve the chance to explore it. You want him to know. You told him to ask me about it. Brian said you told him you couldn’t come on tour with us, and you told him to get me to tell him why.”

Drew clenched his jaw, glaring up at Nick. “We’re not talking about it.”

“We’re talking about it,” Nick said. “You’re wrong for trying to shut Brian out,” Nick said.

“You’re wrong for treating something this personal and secret and shameful like a toy!” Drew shot back.

“Nick,” Brian said.

“I’m glad that you feel safe with me, and it means everything to me to know that you trust me,” Nick said. “But you are not leaving Brian out. It’s not fair to him, and it’s not good for you. You want it, you know you do.”

“When are you two going to learn?!” Drew shouted. “Some desires shouldn’t be acted on. Some things shouldn’t happen!”

“This is nothing like that!” Nick shouted back.

“Nick!” Brian said. “Give us a minute. Stand over there.” He pushed Nick towards the doorway. “Go.”

Nick shot a look at Drew and stepped aside.

“Drew.” Brian ran his hand up Drew’s arm, squeezing gently. “I don’t have to know.”

“No, you should,” Drew said, rubbing his forehead. “I’m acting like a jackass. I’m not being fair.” He closed his eyes, sighing, then opened them again. “It’s… I’m scared. I’m ashamed. What’s new?”

“That’s okay,” Brian said, seeking to reassure him. “We can go at your pace.”

“Nick’s always so good to me. You’re so good to me. I hope I’m worth it, Brian. I really want to be worth all of the trouble you two go to, everything you go through.”

“You are,” Brian promised. “You’re no trouble at all, and if you were, you’d be worth it. You’ve given us so much…”

Drew sighed, embracing him. “Maybe Nick should show you.”

“I’d like that,” Brian said.

Drew pulled back enough to kiss Brian. “You have to tell me that you won’t think any less of me.”

“I couldn’t,” Brian said. “I won’t. I promise.”

“If I ever shame or disgust you…”

“Never,” Brian said, “never, ever. You couldn’t. Your sexuality is so rich, Drew, it’s a beautiful thing. It fascinates me. I’ll never think any less of you for anything that comes of it.”

Drew kissed him again.

Nick was trying to scowl, but it was hard to be angry when at Drew when he was sharing slow, intimate kisses with Brian, slipping his hand just under Brian’s shirt to stroke Brian’s skin.

“Nick,” Drew said between kisses.

“Nick what?” Nick asked.

“You can,” kiss, kiss, “show Brian.”

“Are you sure?” Nick asked.

One long, lingering kiss. Drew let go, looking into Brian’s eyes.

“I promise,” Brian said.

Drew took a deep breath. “Yes,” he told Nick.

Nick grinned.

Justin handed AJ a glass of water, then sat on his black leather recliner, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, hands clasped before him. “Can you start from the beginning? Catch me up?”

“You know that on the tour, before we got to Kendig, Howie and I got together. When we got to Kendig, I told Lance, and we never really got back from that. Chris already knew, I don’t know how. But he got back together with Howie.”

Justin nodded. He’d been there for all of that.

“Lance took it hard. I took it hard. It was like, what was I supposed to do now? Lance was my love, my life, my…anchor. He was the stable good thing in my life, a positive influence, someone to come home to. I didn’t have that anymore. If I didn’t have him, if I couldn’t make that work… He was supposed to have been the one. That was supposed to be it for me. But he was gone and I didn’t know what came next.”

“You thought you were going to be with Lance forever?”

“Yeah.”

“You loved him that much?”

“It wasn’t about love. It was about security.”

“He was safe. The safe alternative to what? Being alone?”

“Being alone. Being with Kevin. Lance was my out. I wasn’t alone, and I didn’t have to search anymore. And he wasn’t Kevin. And as long as I was with him, I was safe. I did love Lance, I was in love with him, but it wasn’t always about that.”

“Kevin’s dangerous?” Justin asked. It was news to him.

“He has power over me that no one else has ever had. I don’t like that. I’m my own man, I do my own thing, and whether you’re into that or not, great for you, but I’m out here on my own. I don’t count on other people, and I don’t check in with other people. I have a family, and I have friends, and their support really helps me out, but I only answer to myself.”

Justin nodded. He’d had that sense of AJ.

“Have you seen a cliff right there at the edge of the ocean, and the waves break against the cliff? The cliff is there, strong, formidable, immobile. That’s Kevin. I’m those damned waves. And he can fucking break me any time he wants.”

“You think he ever would? That he’d ever want to?”

“No,” AJ said. “But there are plenty of other things he can do to me. I’ve spent years now running from him. I finally had to give in. I want to be with him. I can’t run, terrified, forever. It came to the point where I had to stop and admit to myself that I want to take that risk. I love Kevin. We just got together, I’ve barely been with him, but I woke up this morning and he was there. We got dressed, we had breakfast, we left the house, and those simple steps, out the front door onto the porch, it was like we were one. We were a unit. I can’t lose that.”

“What happened after that?”

“Last night, I realized that after everything that happened, I never apologized to Chris. I slept with Howie, and I never apologized for it. Chris and Howie are moving into their new place, so this morning, Kevin and I went over there. I took Chris aside, and I apologized to him.”

Justin assessed AJ, aware that they were nearing the problem. “How’d he take it?”

“He blew up at me. He pushed a few of my buttons.”

Justin nodded. “Which ones?”

“After what happened with Lance, Kevin doesn’t trust me. He thinks that if things get a little rough for me, I’ll do something to sabotage our relationship, like get in bed with Lance or someone else. I take that to mean I’m weak and untrustworthy. Chris just about came out and called me the same things. I didn’t appreciate Chris making any kinds of judgments about me. He blew up at me, I yelled back, we went back and forth. He told me what he thinks of me, put his fist through a window, and told me to get out. I left.”

“You came here?”

“I wanted to go to Lance. I drove past his house.” AJ took a drink of water. “I could go to him, get laid, and be free again.”

“Free of Kevin.”

“Free of Kevin,” AJ agreed. “By now, Howie knows what I said to Chris, and he’s not going to forgive me for it. I don’t want to face that. It would be easier to burn a few more bridges and face everyone from a stronger position.”

“Stronger?” Justin asked.

“More callous. Less caring. I can do the bad boy thing, I can be that.”

“But you didn’t go to Lance and take that route.”

“I might be able to salvage what I have with Kevin. What I said to Chris, that’s Howie’s deal, not Kevin’s.”

“Which means you still have to face Howie. It sounds like whatever you said to Chris, he was holding up his side of the argument.”

“I was trying to apologize for being with Howie, and I ended up shoving it in his face as hard as I could. Howie’s been letting me stay around as long as I stayed on my side of the fine line, but I crossed the line. He and Chris are working things out on their own, but if I cost Howie one minute of Chris’s love, I’m dead. I’m out.”

Since the meeting was coming up the next morning, JC wanted to look over his Fools materials to make sure he was ready. He was on his stomach on the bed, papers spread before him, notebooks open, reading, writing.

Justin put his hand on the back of JC’s thigh, staring, almost intimidated by the graceful masculine beauty of JC’s body. He risked pressing a kiss to JC’s shoulder, wanting to feel the satin smooth of JC’s skin against his lips.

JC turned a page.

Justin lay down on his stomach on JC’s back, his temple against JC’s shoulder, his arm around JC’s waist. With his free hand, he teased JC’s letter from its envelope.

“You’re going to tell him.”

Drew crossed his arms over his chest, looking at Nick, thoroughly unimpressed. “I am?”

“Yes,” Nick said. “If I tell him, or I zone you and show him, then it’s all on me. This is your thing. You should tell him.”

Drew set his jaw and let out a slow, irritated breath.

“Sit,” Nick said to Brian, pushing him towards the sofa. Brian sat. Nick stepped right in front of Drew, tipping up his chin, stroking his cheek. “Tell Brian what you told me. About what you see when he’s onstage. About what you like about what you see. What it makes you feel.”

“I never had to tell you,” Drew pointed out.

“You told me,” Nick said. “That night, when I wasn’t me and you really weren’t you, you told me.”

“I did?”

“You remember.”

Drew’s cheeks went up in flames. His ears were red. “I said those things out loud?”

“Yes, you did.” Nick kissed his cheek. “Thank you.”

“Oh, god.” Drew put his forehead to Nick’s chest. “You’re a very, very good person, not to have quoted it back to me and taunted me with it on a daily basis.”

Nick smiled and put his hand on the back of Drew’s neck. “I didn’t know you thought that-”

“Don’t,” Drew said, raising his head and pinning Nick with a half-firm, half-desperate look. “Whatever you’re about to say, don’t say it.”

Nick laughed. “I’ll save it and make fun of you later. Come on, come talk to Brian.”

“Wait.” Drew’s hands closed on the cotton of Nick’s shirt. “Put me in that place.”

“Which place?” Nick asked, his hands on Drew’s back.

“Any place that’s not here.” Drew tugged Nick down, drawing him into a slow, wet kiss.

Brian tilted his head to the side, watching.

After a minute, Nick took over. Still engaged in their kiss, he guided Drew back a few steps until Drew hit the wall. Drew had one hand on Nick’s shoulder, bunching and pulling on Nick’s shirt, the other hand on Nick’s hip, urging Nick closer.

Nick slowed the kiss, gently fucking Drew’s mouth, his hands tightening on Drew’s waist, Drew sucking on his tongue and skimming his body with restless hands.

Nick lifted his head. Drew looked up at him, lips parted, eyes dark. “Do you want me?” Nick asked, one arm up against the wall, leaning in over Drew, at once suggestive and intimidating. “You want me, don’t you?” His other hand tugged at one of Drew’s belt loops.

“Yes,” Drew said, gazing up at him, one hand on his hip, one hand against his chest.

Nick tucked his fingers into Drew’s front hip pocket. “You like seeing me up there? You like watching me onstage?”

Something flashed in Drew’s eyes. “Yes.”

Nick slid his fingers out again, leaving a packet of lube behind. “You like any of the other guys? Maybe Brian Littrell?”

Drew’s hand tightened on Nick’s hip. “Yes.”

“He had a bad day today. He’s feeling really lonely. He could really use some company. Maybe you could go over and talk to him. Tell him what a big fan you are. Make him feel better. Can you do that for me?”

“Yes,” Drew said.

Nick kissed him tenderly.

Drew breathed softly, opening his eyes from Nick’s kiss.

Nick stepped aside, putting a hand on Drew’s back to push Drew forward a little, towards Brian.

Justin Jeffre knew exactly what kind of bond group members developed. He’d been through his share of bad times, and he’d been given reasons to back out, but he’d stayed. Through everything. Nick, Drew, and Jeff were his family, his friends, his job, and his life. They had yet to do something he couldn’t get past.

Yet AJ saw his bond with Howie being threatened. In the past, AJ had come between Howie and Chris, but Howie and Chris’s bond had won out. Did that mean that if Chris came between Howie and AJ’s bond, the bond that Howie and Chris shared would sever it?

“You’ve made a mistake,” Justin said.

“Several of them,” AJ said. “Look, I’m… I’m desperate here. I need some kind of help. I’m not going to a true outsider, I don’t air my dirty laundry, we keep our own to our own.”

Justin nodded.

“But my personal insiders, the other guys, I can’t go to them. They’re too involved. I need someone in the middle who has even a little common sense. You’re impartial. Nick’s told me you have solid takes on the kind of bullshit the rest of us play. I’m fucking up my own life every time I get halfway on the right path. Either tell me what to do or tell me what to stop doing.”

“I don’t know how seriously Chris and Howie have been affected by what you said,” Justin said. “I haven’t seen any of you in months, so I’m out of the loop. But you need to sit down with Howie and apologize.” Justin thought about it. “You and Chris are both very important to Howie’s life. You’re both in for the long haul. It’s up to the two of you to find some kind of balance, for his sake. You can’t demand that he choose, and you can’t expect him to do all of the work of juggling his relationships. If you care about Howie at all, and I know that you do, you and Chris need to work out something. And stick to it.”

AJ scrutinized Justin. “You’re a good man.”

“Those things can wait until tomorrow,” Justin said. “For today, go home. To Kevin. Be with him.”

“That’s exactly what I want to do,” AJ said. “And it’s what I’m afraid to do. He was there, by now he knows how I fucked up. He’s going to be in my face about it the second he sees me.”

“Being friends first and lovers second, the dynamic changes,” Justin said. “Not entirely, but in some ways. If you were Nick, or if this had happened two weeks ago, Kevin might have yelled at you or lectured you or whatever it is older brothers do to younger brothers who screw up. But you’re Kevin’s lover now. He’s not responsible for you in the same way he was before. You’re equals now. Things have changed.”

AJ considered that, sitting back, running his thumb over his goatee.

“Go home,” Justin said. “Give him a chance, and see if he’ll give you one.” He hesitated. “There are some things it might be good for you to think about.”

“All right,” AJ said, willing to listen.

“You’re a very passionate person, and you’re also very determined and resolute. You make things happen. But right now, it sounds like you’re losing some of that. You’re being thrown off-kilter too easily. Something happens, one argument, and suddenly everything’s coming to a dramatic end. You’re stronger than that. Stay with it, be determined, see it through.”

Justin paused to sort out his next thought.

“You’re very in control of yourself. You pride yourself on being in control of your own life. But you’re letting things happen to you. Take a more active approach. Decide what kind of life you want to have. Pick a direction and stick with it. If you’re with Kevin, and you’re not with Lance, then close the door on Lance. Lock the door, too. Stopping by to have sex with Lance shouldn’t even be an option, and Lance needs to know that as much as you do. I think that right now, if you want to move ahead in one direction, you need closure on everything else.”

AJ nodded. “I’ve been telling myself I was doing that, but I was trying to leave myself an out, an escape. You’re right. I have to set things straight. Otherwise I’m not doing right by anybody.”

“I understand that sometimes you need to talk to people to get some perspective, like right now, and that’s fine. Everyone could use that sometimes. But from what I know of you, you have a real habit of taking off and leaving altogether. If you’re serious about this relationship with Kevin, if you really want to be with him, then you have to learn how to work things out with Kevin there. Are you going to be living together?”

“That’s my plan.”

“When you have an argument with Kevin, don’t run out. Stay right there. You can’t leave the house angry. All you have to do is go into another room and work it out on your own there. Do not leave the house. Walking out on Kevin says to him, however temporarily, that you’re walking out on the relationship. People running out of the house, or going to get some air, that’s nice and dramatic on the television screen, but it does more harm than good in real life.”

“That one’s going to be hard on me,” AJ said. “When I’m riled up and I can’t get out, I get claustrophobic. I have to get in my car, be on the move, find some space. Get away.” He shook his head, looking away briefly. “But you’re right, that says shit to Kevin, and he doesn’t need that. Especially after this last time, taking off for months, leaving him hanging like that. He deserves better than that.” AJ shook his head again, getting to his feet. “You should start charging.”

“I think I will,” Justin said, also rising.

“Thank you,” AJ said, looking him in the eye, shaking his hand.

“I hope I helped,” Justin said.

“You did,” AJ said, walking to the door.

Justin stopped him on the threshold. “One last word, even if you disregard everything else I say.”

AJ looked at him. “Yeah?”

“You have a self-destructive streak, AJ, and you’re attracted to danger.”

AJ waited for more.

“Stay away from Lance.”

Justin’s fingers were so untrustworthy, he could barely turn the page to read more of JC’s letter.

JC had not written thirty-five pages of love. He had not written thirty-five pages extolling Justin’s virtues. He had written thirty-five pages of steamy, sweaty, thrusting, fucking, blood-pumping, cum-dripping obsession. Every page spelled out JC’s need, JC’s passion, JC’s lust. Every page was another orgasm ripping through Justin’s body.

Justin had been afraid he wouldn’t be able to get hard ever again, but since the very first sentence on the very first page, his dick had been erect, pulsing with every word JC had written. Now that he was on page twelve, his breath was escaping in whimpers and moans as JC’s words fucked his eager body. He closed his eyes, turning his face to JC’s shoulder, rubbing his cheek to JC’s shoulder blade, skin against skin.

“Justin,” JC said. “Justin.”

Justin’s lungs released long, shuddering breaths.

“Baby, talk to me.” Beneath him, JC pushed up, trying to roll over. Justin was dumped onto the mattress, and he spread his legs, raising his knees, pushing two fingers into his own body. JC turned over to see Justin splayed on the bed, fucking himself. “Justin, no. Talk to me. Tell me,” JC insisted, covering Justin’s hand with his own, stilling it.

Justin moved his fingers, feverishly rubbing his prostate. “Words, your words, they come from you.”

“I wrote what I was thinking about,” JC said. “I wrote about what you do to me. How you make me feel. That’s only a part of it, I could never explain everything, but I said what I could.”

Justin’s fingers plunged deeper, twisting and crooking. His hips bucked, pushing against his hand. “Read it to me. Say it. Your words, your voice.”

JC reached for the scattered pages, feeling a quiver in his heart. The words had come through him in a stream of consciousness, and he hadn’t read them since he’d written them. He remembered them as honest, and real. He didn’t remember writing anything that would inspire this raw of a response.

JC put the pages in order and read the first page aloud in a soft voice, remembering how he’d felt that day, remembering where his mind and heart had been as he’d written.

Justin cried out, spasming, shuddering, coming so hard he fell asleep on one last shiver, limp and enervated, eyes drifting shut, head turned to one side. He breathed shallowly, fingers relaxing and withdrawing, curling against one thigh.

JC lay down beside Justin, on one side, tucking in close but not quite touching. He turned the page, and read the second sheet of his letter, whispering into Justin’s ear, feeding the words directly to Justin’s brain.

Drew knelt on his right knee on the couch, facing Brian, his left foot on the floor. “Brian.” His knuckles skimmed Brian’s cheekbone, Brian’s jawline. “So good up there, so pure.” He kissed Brian, a simple press of lips to lips. “So nice, so friendly.” Another kiss. “So sexy.” He kissed Brian again, staying for more, and Brian’s mouth opened for his tongue, and Brian’s hand rose to the back of his head. Drew’s hand was on the side of Brian’s thigh, sliding to the crook of Brian’s knee, raising Brian’s leg as he began to press Brian back against the cushions.

“Wait, shit, wait,” Nick said, stepping in, taking Drew by the shoulders and pulling him back. “What are you doing?”

“I want to fuck him,” Drew said, keeping his eyes on Brian’s face, transfixed by Brian’s purity and beauty.

“You’re supposed to talk to him,” Nick said.

Brian was turned sideways on the sofa, his left arm along the back of the couch for support, Drew’s hand in the bend of his right knee and his foot behind Drew on the cushion, leaning back halfway, his eyes bright, his cheeks pink, his lips parted. He’d been interrupted on the point of being ravished, and he was waiting there on the threshold for Drew to come back to him.

“We can talk later,” Drew said. “I have to do this first.”

“You’re not-”

“No,” Brian said, still gazing into Drew’s eyes. “Let him.”

Nick let go of Drew’s biceps, stepping back out of the way. Drew reclaimed Brian’s mouth, moaning hungrily, lowering Brian onto his back, settling on top of him. There were a few more minutes of kissing and moaning, where Brian’s hands were in Drew’s hair, and Drew murmured things like “so pretty” between kisses. Then Drew’s hand was sliding down Brian’s side, in between Brian’s legs, feeling him up. Brian groaned, spreading his thighs until his foot hit the floor, letting Drew grope him through his pants.

Nick could just imagine the hard, thick feel of Brian through denim, the heat and solidity of Brian underneath his body, the tender fuck of Brian’s kiss and the soft passion of Brian’s moans.

Drew popped the button of Brian’s fly, dragging down the zipper. Brian’s hands skittered down Drew’s back, his hips jerking as Drew eased his erection from the confines of his clothes.

Nick had to bite his own knuckle to keep quiet.

Drew slipped down off of the couch, onto his knees, angling Brian’s hips to the edge. He licked up the shaft, his tongue playing over the vein that ran up the underside of Brian’s erection. Brian moaned, one hand restlessly pushing at his jeans, as if he wanted them down, or off. Nick crept around to the side just in time to get a perfect view of Drew’s lips parting over the head of Brian’s dick, Drew taking the length of it down his throat. Brian groaned, breathing hard, lips parted, and Nick’s mouth watered, dick throbbing.

“Oh…unh…ah…” Brian closed his eyes, looking as if he were in pain. He wasn’t getting anywhere trying to push his pants down, so he pulled his shirt up, exposing his abs. His hips slipped off of the edge of the couch, giving him the opportunity to drop his pelvis slightly before thrusting his hips up again, fucking Drew’s mouth. Drew had one hand curled around the base of Brian’s erection; his other hand splayed over Brian’s stomach, bare skin and flexing muscle. Brian was moaning rhythmically, a steady “uh…uh…uh” sound, working himself towards orgasm, eyes closed, hips rocking.

Nick wanted to fuck Brian right where he was lying.

Brian made an aching, passionate groan, head back, throat exposed, fingers digging into the back of the couch.

Nick’s dick ached in sympathy.

Drew raised his head, wiping his mouth with the back of one hand, surveying Brian with possessive eyes.

Brian panted softly, exposed, watching Drew, waiting.

“I need a blanket,” Drew said.

As quietly as possible, not wanting to distract their attention from each other, Nick dashed into the next room. He stripped the blanket off the back of the couch and grabbed two more from the chest in Brian’s study, hurrying back to Drew with them.

Drew took them without looking, finally breaking eye contact with Brian to spread them on the floor, making a nest. Taking Brian’s hips in his hands, he urged Brian down from the couch to sit before him. He slid back and ducked down, kissing the bend of Brian’s hip, kissing Brian’s pelvic bone. His hand braced Brian’s spine as he lowered Brian down again, kissing up the ridges of Brian’s ribs.

Slow and devoted. Nick couldn’t take it slow and devoted. God, this was going to kill him.

Drew pushed up Brian’s shirt as he went, pausing to lick slowly over each aching nipple. He pulled Brian’s shirt off over Brian’s head, Brian arching beneath him, and kissed Brian’s neck until Brian was clutching at his back and pleading without words.

Drew crawled down Brian’s body, kissing Brian’s hip again, lowering Brian’s jeans and underwear inch by inch, exposing more and more skin. He kissed Brian’s thighs, calves, and ankles. Brian’s toes curled as Drew stroked the arch of his foot.

Then Drew made his way back up Brian’s legs again, drawing the lube from his pocket, leaving sucking kisses high inside Brian’s thighs to make Brian twist and moan. He kissed Brian’s abdomen, his hand reaching back in between Brian’s spread thighs. Nick was close enough to see Drew’s finger disappear inside Brian’s body, and the resulting pleasure on Brian’s face made him look almost radiant.

Drew was watching Brian’s reactions, gauging Brian’s level of pleasure, with great attention. He probed gently with two fingers now, opening, stretching, until Brian was moving restlessly, rocking and moaning with need.

Drew gently pulled his fingers out and lifted Brian’s leg over his shoulder, moving into position. He leaned in to kiss Brian’s mouth, and Nick could almost taste Brian’s kiss, full of physical need and hypnotic desire. Drew finally opened his own fly, drawing out his lust-thick erection.

At Drew’s first long thrust, Brian cried out, a sound of shock and pleasure and pain. Drew barely paused before thrusting again, deeper, the whole way into Brian’s body. Brian panted harshly, groaning, turning his face away.

Drew lifted Brian’s hips and thrust in again at a new angle.

There was a sudden, tremendous intake of breath; Brian arched his spine, his head back, his arms flung wide. Drew opened Brian’s body to pleasure, and Brian accepted it, channeling it, letting it flow into him. Drew rocked and flexed over long, deep thrusts, creating a steady build-up of ecstasy that had Brian moaning over every stroke.

Brian’s cock was filling and lifting, and Drew took it in hand, pumping it rhythmically. Brian closed his eyes, curling his hands into fists, bringing them over his head. “No, no,” Drew said, fucking him deep, “open your eyes, open.” Brian’s eyes opened, blue and bright with life, and his hands opened, reaching for Drew, finding Drew’s shoulders, Drew’s chest. He clutched at Drew’s back, trying to pull Drew’s hips closer, wanting to keep Drew buried inside of him.

Drew was fascinated by Brian, watching every flicker in change of expression, counting every desperate breath. Brian was watching Drew in return as though Drew were his lifeline, his hands clinging to Drew’s skin and shaping Drew’s muscles. The sound of Brian’s panting was mixed in with the sound of his need-drenched wordless begging, the sound of Drew’s harsh, rhythmic breaths, and the sound of flesh meeting flesh as Drew thrust, and thrust, and thrust. The sight of Drew’s long, thick shaft pumping in and out, in and out, in until their bodies met and Drew’s balls hit Brian’s ass, out until the fat crowned head was visible, in again on a fast long slide into the tight clench of Brian’s ass, had Nick’s blood pumping heavily to his groin. Brian’s fingers sought something to hold onto in the shift and flex of muscle in Drew’s back and ass.

The most noteworthy thing was not the remarkably steady rhythm of Drew’s hips or even the fact that Drew hadn’t come yet. It was the look on Brian’s face. He had his head back again, his eyes half closed, his lips parted, his cheeks flushed, and an intense look of radiance. He almost shone with it. Whatever was happening in Brian’s body was manifesting in a look of pure ecstasy. His breath escaping in desperate panting breaths, Brian was in a state of grace, a state of exaltation.

And then Drew’s hand fisted over Brian’s dick one too many times, and Brian came, his cum spurting in thick streams over his chest. He made a sound that was more than breath but not quite a moan, and the look of ecstasy on his face transformed. Transcended.

Drew tried to wait, but his body had needs, and he came inside Brian moments later, groaning, sated.

Nick had to bite his thumb painfully hard to keep from coming along with them.

Drew kissed Brian’s mouth. Brian’s arms wrapped around him, keeping him tethered. When Drew raised his head, Brian was no longer erotically and spiritually transcendent, but merely beautiful.

Brian’s legs relaxed; Drew’s cock left Brian’s body. Brian breathed softly through parted lips, gazing at Drew, who was gazing right back, enraptured. Drew stroked Brian’s hair, his cheek, his lips.

“Brian,” Drew whispered.

Brian didn’t say anything, only stared into Drew’s eyes as though entranced.

“I love you,” Drew said. And, somehow, Nick knew that he wasn’t talking to his Brian, his husband, the man he’d eaten lunch with. He was talking to Brian Littrell, the man who sang and danced and toured and waved to the audience from the stage.

Brian’s gaze softened. He was touched by Drew’s love.

“I love your smile and your heart,” Drew said. “I love how friendly you are and how much fun you have, how you play with the audience and play with the other guys. I love how you wear too many layers and you wave hello like everyone’s equal. I love it when you fist. I love it when you’re silly. I love how important your singing is to you, how you care about the quality of your vocal performance, how you can out-belt anybody on that stage.”

Brian’s hand rested on Drew’s back.

“I love it when you play with the camera. I miss you playing the guitar. I love it when you say hello to someone in the crowd and your accent comes through. I love how sexy you are when you think you’re not being sexy at all. It’s not sexy, it’s just you, all you, and that’s what’s sexy. You’re comfortable up there, you’re relaxed, you’re at home. You own the stage, you own the crowd, and you’re not even trying.”

Brian was looking into Drew’s eyes, listening to every word. It was new to him, to hear this kind of devotion from a uniquely unexpected place.

“Your smile is amazing. It lights up your eyes. It lights up your whole face, your whole self. You shine when you’re happy, so brightly…” Drew’s right hand caressed Brian’s jaw. “You’re pretty. You’re beautiful. It’s everything about you. You’re bright with light, you’re good and you’re pure. You can be so warm and friendly, just seeing you makes me feel like I’m home. But you can be so proud, it’s that Backstreet arrogance, that knowledge of what you’ve done and what you have.”

Nick wanted to yank Drew’s jeans down farther and climb on top of Drew. Either that or push Drew aside and climb on top of Brian. He wasn’t picky; he was desperate. His swollen erection was so hard and so close to release, he felt like he was going to come if either one of them so much as breathed in his direction.

“When I see you up there, I want to suck your dick and make you sing like that for me. I want to fuck you, bury my dick in you, make love to you. I want to own you and possess you and keep you, so no matter where you are, in front of any crowd, you’ll know you’re mine and they can never have you like I have you.” Drew’s hand skimmed down to curl around Brian’s hip. “A thing this beautiful can’t be owned, but in my soul, you are mine.”

Color burned in Brian’s cheeks; he lowered his lashes and turned his face to the side, exposing his neck and ear.

Drew leaned in with deliberate slowness and let his teeth nip Brian’s earlobe before he buried his face in Brian’s neck. Brian’s feet planted on the floor, Brian’s knees raised protectively on either side of him as Brian’s arms tightened around him to keep him close.

“Mine,” Drew whispered.

Brian was still and calm in Drew’s possession.

Nick backed out of the room as quietly as he could. Moving itself was torture, but he made it to the bathroom before tearing open his jeans and shoving his hand down inside his underwear. His erection exploded on contact, shooting thick bursts of cum. Orgasm came over him so suddenly that he leaned against the wall to wait for the room to stop spinning. “God,” he panted, withdrawing his hand. He washed his hands and cleaned himself up, but there was no hope for his underwear. He stripped half-naked and went upstairs to change, giving Brian and Drew extra time alone.

AJ drove to Kevin’s house. It was dark. He went to his own house, and found it empty.

Kevin was probably still at Howie’s.

AJ picked up the phone.

“Stay away from Lance.”

AJ hesitated, then set the phone back down and went to take a bath.

Justin couldn’t take another word.

JC read another sentence.

Justin whimpered, fucking his fist.

The power of JC’s sexual obsession was overwhelming. The passages of tender eroticism were countered with paragraphs that dripped with sweat and cum. Some lines caressed Justin’s skin with love. Some lines slammed into him with orgasmic force. Any one sentence taken from the letter would have explained the previous years of JC’s sexual domination of Justin’s very existence; JC had written thirty-five pages.

JC said Justin’s name often in normal conversation. He’d written it even more frequently in the letter, and as he read, it took on new dimensions of erotic intensity. The way JC said it, the way it sounded from JC’s mouth, changed the way it struck Justin’s ear. By page four, the sound of that word, “Justin,” was as arousing to Justin as it was to JC.

JC read another sentence.

Justin twisted, jacking his dick, begging for mercy.

Nick wasted time upstairs, going through Drew’s belongings, looking for a secret Backstreet stash. Other than what was tucked into Drew’s suitcase, there wasn’t anything else. Nick tried to think of where Drew might hide something elsewhere in the house, but he decided to save that search for another day. He changed his underwear and his shorts, and went back downstairs. Arriving in the doorway, he looked at Brian and Drew, who were still wrapped around each other and probably hadn’t moved an inch since he’d gone.

Brian’s eyes opened; Brian saw him over Drew’s shoulder. Brian’s hands travelled down Drew’s back to Drew’s hips, and Brian pushed down Drew’s jeans a few inches, baring the top half of Drew’s ass.

Nick’s dick twitched.

Drew mumbled something, sitting up, rolling off to the side. He rubbed at his eye and hitched his pants back up, zipping the fly. Then he glanced up and saw Nick. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Nick said.

Brian, in his nest of blankets, beckoned Nick with a gesture. Nick sat down beside him, then stretched out slightly, snaking an arm around Brian. “I should have set up the videocamera,” Nick said.

“I would have set the tape on fire,” Drew said.

“Where did you go?” Brian asked.

“To jack off,” Nick said.

“Then what’s this?” Brian asked, gently cupping a hand between his legs.

“Mmm, god,” Nick said, feeling his eyes roll back in his head slightly. “That’s me still wanting to fuck both of you sideways for being that damned hot.”

“Sideways?” Drew asked.

“How do you feel?” Nick asked Brian.

“Special,” Brian said. “Loved. Adored.”

“How do you feel?” Nick asked Drew.

“Fuzzy,” Drew said.

“Fuzzy, hairy? Or fuzzy, confused?” Nick asked. “Brian, get your hand off my dick.”

“I can’t help it,” Brian said, rubbing his arousal through his shorts.

“Pervert,” Nick said, taking Brian’s hand in his, tangling their fingers to keep Brian’s hand still. “Hairy or confused?” he asked Drew again.

Drew put his hand on Brian’s knee. “I remember everything, every second of it, but it doesn’t seem real.”

Brian turned his other knee aside, spreading his thighs.

Drew’s hand slid up the inside of Brian’s thigh, squeezing gently, fingers creeping into the light brown curls of Brian’s pubic hair.

Brian sighed, relaxing back into his nest, closing his eyes.

Nick couldn’t look away from where Drew was fondling Brian’s balls with one hand.

“What do you want to do?” Drew asked, casually rubbing his fingers over Brian’s asshole. Brian’s eyes opened.

“So far, since you got home, we’ve talked and eaten and had sex and talked and eaten and had sex,” Nick said.

“We just ate,” Brian said.

“I guess that means it’s time to talk and have sex,” Nick said.

Drew pushed his index finger into the tight channel.

“Drew,” Brian said.

Drew ignored Brian, rubbing his finger in and out.

Brian closed his eyes, breathing shallowly and carefully.

Nick grinned. “You’re allowed to tell him to stop.”

Drew curled up between Brian’s legs and licked the crease where thigh met torso, crooking his finger and stroking Brian’s prostate. He mouthed Brian’s balls, humming softly.

Brian pulled on Nick’s arm, getting his attention. “Stop him,” Brian said, then closed his eyes and shuddered as pleasure pulsed through him.

“That’s what you get for sitting around naked,” Nick said.

Drew licked around the base of Brian’s aroused cock.

“He’s doing this on purpose,” Brian accused.

“So tell him to stop,” Nick said.

“I don’t think I can,” Brian said.

Nick rolled his eyes. “Wuss.”

“Drew, stop,” Brian said.

Drew kissed Brian’s sensitive inner thigh.

Brian shivered, and his cock twitched. Then he glared at Nick. “See?”

“Okay,” Nick said, and sighed. Bunch of freaks. He popped the button on his shorts.

Drew lifted his head.

Nick unzipped his fly, shifting apart from Brian. “You all had sex without me. Somebody at least owes me five minutes of making out.”

Drew sat back on his heels, eyeing Nick. Brian closed his legs, sitting up, scooting back from Drew.

“Somebody? Anybody?” Nick glared. “I’m not going to beg.”

“Okay, if you’re going to get mad about it,” Drew said, crawling the short distance to him.

Nick put his hand on the back of Drew’s neck, drawing Drew closer, taking a slow kiss. Drew’s mouth opened under his, Drew’s hands rising to fist in Nick’s shirt. Nick put his other hand on the small of Drew’s back and turned, twisting, lowering Drew to the blankets, kissing slowly, lazily grinding pelvis to pelvis. Drew’s hand found Nick’s ass, cupping, squeezing, encouraging the movement of Nick’s hips. Nick pushed up Drew’s shirt, pinching and rubbing at Drew’s nipples, coaxing some surprised, aroused sounds from Drew’s throat.

“What do you want?” Nick asked, and kissed Drew’s nipple, licking at it. Drew moaned and rubbed up against his erection. “Tell me what you want,” Nick said, sucking at Drew’s other nipple. “Tell me, Drew, tell me what you want.”

Drew shook his head, frustrated, and caught Nick’s mouth in another kiss.

“He doesn’t know,” Brian said.

“What?” Nick asked before going back for another kiss.

“He doesn’t know what he wants,” Brian said.

“Why not?” Nick asked, kissing Drew’s neck, Drew’s hands in his hair.

“Maybe he’s confused,” Brian said.

“About what?” Nick asked, licking at Drew’s nipples again, his thumb rubbing circles over Drew’s pelvic bone.

“We have him going back and forth between dom and sub and role-playing and reality,” Brian said. “Maybe he needs a break.”

“He knows he likes kissing,” Nick said, letting Drew tug him up for more kissing. Drew moaned with satisfaction at the slide of Nick’s tongue.

“Let’s take a break for a while,” Brian said.

“Okay,” Nick said. “You’re right.” He climbed off of Drew mid-kiss, getting to his feet, adjusting himself. “What do you want to do?” he asked Brian, lightly resting the sole of his foot over the bulge of Drew’s hard-on, rubbing back and forth.

“We’re taking it easy and doing nothing today,” Brian said. “We could watch a movie.”

“We need popcorn,” Nick said. Drew’s hips rocked up against the arch of his foot.

“You get the popcorn, and I’ll get the movie,” Brian said, tracking down his clothes.

“You get the popcorn, and I’ll get the movie,” Nick corrected, applying slightly more pressure. Drew groaned; Nick didn’t so much as glance at him.

“I have veto power,” Brian reminded Nick, dressing.

“Fine,” Nick said, putting out his hand, helping Brian to rise. “Lots of butter.”

Brian kissed Nick and left.

Nick lifted his foot and followed Brian.

Drew curled up around his aching erection, moaning.

Empty, Justin had felt empty. There was a void inside him, aching, unfilled. No matter what he’d done, nothing had filled it. But now, now, as JC entered his body, as JC filled him and locked into place, Justin felt whole. Whole and complete. Whatever had been missing, everything that had been missing, was given back to him. The emptiness that could never be filled, was overflowing.

Justin couldn’t help but moan and whimper, but he did it as quietly as he could. He gazed into JC’s eyes while JC moved inside him. JC was still talking, telling him, exploiting him with words and voice. The pages were gone; JC had stopped reading somewhere after page twenty, and now was speaking from the heart, telling him word for word what JC was going through, thinking and feeling, as it happened.

JC’s dick pistoned smoothly in and out, as devastating to Justin, mind and body, as ever. But even that couldn’t compete with what JC was saying to him in low, intimate tones. Every word peeled away one more layer of Justin, baring him to JC in his most essential elements. He was down to the core of himself, the core that only JC could touch, and JC was making love to him, sacred and obscene.

Nick pushed Brian up against the arm of the couch, leaning against him comfortably. Brian started the movie and fed Nick some popcorn.

Drew came into the room, his erection lessened but visible.

Nick snickered. Brian fed him to shut him up. Drew pushed Nick aside and crowded himself in, getting cosy with Brian.

“That’s my spot,” Nick said.

“My spot now,” Drew said, unmoved.

“Jerk,” Nick said.

“Jerk,” Drew said back.

“Be nice,” Brian said.

“Get me a drink,” Drew said to Nick.

“Get my ass,” Nick said.

“Nick,” Brian said.

Nick glared at Drew and went to the kitchen. He wasn’t actually mad, at all, but it was still fun to stomp around and slam a few cabinet doors. He lingered, rummaging through the cupboards in case there were chips he’d overlooked, then returned-

-and almost hit the floor with shock. Brian was sitting in the corner of the couch, one leg spread out on the cushion, one foot on the floor, back arched, one hand in Drew’s hair. Drew was kneeling on the floor, sucking Brian’s dick. Again.

Brian rubbed through Drew’s hair, softly moaning his pleasure.

“I can’t leave you alone for two minutes,” Nick said.

“Softer, softer,” Brian moaned. “Oh, god, yes, that’s good.” He groaned, closing his eyes. “Oh, yes…”

“When I left, Drew was the one with the hard-on,” Nick said. “How did you manage to be the one getting off?”

“He…he…” Brian panted for breath. “He started it. Yes, yes… Oh…”

“He’s doing it soft?” Nick asked.

“Oh, yes…” Brian winced. “God, that’s good.”

“This could take an hour,” Nick said.

Brian moaned.

Nick sat beside Drew on the floor, watching. The sight of Drew’s generous lips wrapped around Brian’s gorgeous erection had Nick immediately hard. He’d been where Drew was, and he’d been where Brian was, and he knew how good it was to be on both ends of this situation. “I thought we were waiting,” he reminded Brian.

“We can wait, oh, yes, later,” Brian said. “Drew, sweetheart, just, oh, yes, just like that… Oh…”

Nick watched Drew slide off the end of Brian’s dick, slowly swirl his tongue around the head, and gently go back down. “How did he start this?”

“He oh, yes, asked me if, god, Drew, if I wanted to, yes, yes, ah, fuck you, oh…”

“He asked you if you wanted to fuck me?” Nick asked. “How did this get to be about me?”

“Oh, god, so soft, so… Oh…”

“I was gone for thirty seconds!” Nick protested. “You’re a freaking nymphomaniac!”

“Suck it, just a little, just… Oh, god, yes.” Brian groaned, spreading his thighs.

“You should be watching from over here,” Nick said. “Your dick looks so fucking good with his mouth on it.”

Brian moaned at Nick’s words.

“Back off, let me see the head,” Nick said. Drew slowly slid off, letting the head pass between his lips. “God, yes,” Nick said. “Damn, I want that fucking into me. Lick it. Soft.” Drew passed his tongue gently over the crown. “Do it again, get the precum. Keep going until he gets restless. Softer. Oh, good, that’s good, just like that, god, I can feel that on my dick.”

Drew licked over the head with light, caressing strokes. Brian’s hand on the back of his head encouraged him to go further, but he resisted, waiting for Nick’s prompting. Brian began to fidget, shifting and moaning.

“Good,” Nick said. “Start taking him in. Slowly. Soft, soft. The whole way. A little more. Start sucking. Just a little. Good. Yeah. God, I wish I were in your mouth right now.”

Drew moaned, sucking a little harder. Brian moaned, too, hips rising slightly at the increased suction.

“You’ve let him play for long enough,” Nick told Drew. “Turn it on. Suck him down. Make him feel it. Your rhythm’s so fucking good, I want to fuck your mouth. Own his dick, force his orgasm, show him you’re in charge. Show him how fucking good you really are. Make him remember it.”

Brian groaned, his hand clutching at the back of the couch in time with Drew’s suction.

“Did you ever suck a dick this good?” Nick asked. “Brian’s dick fits just right in your mouth, like it belongs there. He has a good-looking dick, and he knows it, and he’s watching it slide in and out of your mouth, thinking how pretty that looks. Let him look. Give him a show.”

Drew slid back slowly, letting the head pop from between his lips, letting his tongue dance lasciviously over Brian’s erection, going down again, lingering there, sucking up to the head, licking at Brian’s precum.

“Fucking lewd,” Nick said, impressed. “Suck a little harder and he’ll be done.”

Brian drew his knee to his chest, tensing. “Yes, yes… Yes, Drew… Oh, god, you… I can’t… I think I…”

“Get ready,” Nick said.

“Oh, god, yes, yes, yes…” Brian held Drew to his groin, coming in thick pulses down Drew’s throat. “Oh, god…”

“God, I want to fuck your mouth,” Nick said. “You’re so fucking made for this.”

Drew nursed out the last spurt of cum, backing off and licking his lips, immediately turning to Nick.

“Work for it,” Nick said, rising to sit farther down on the couch. He reached for the remote, restarting the movie.

Stunned, Drew looked up at Brian for help.

Brian licked his lips. “Nick?”

“If I give it to you every time you ask for it, you’ll take it for granted,” Nick said. “Wait.”

Drew’s gaze lingered on Nick.

Brian closed his pants and pulled Drew up to sit beside him.

“How long?” Drew asked.

“Ask me again after the movie.”

Brian put his arm around Drew for comfort.

Nick shifted restlessly, then moved to lay down on the floor, on his stomach, propped on his elbows, long legs spread slightly, thick round ass practically calling their dicks by name.

Drew said, “Brian?”

“What?” Brian asked, eyes still on Nick.

“How long is this movie?”

Justin, overused, slept.

JC stroked his back, whispering cleansing, healing, rejuvenating words of love.

The first end credit hit the screen.

Brian, already holding the remote, turned off the TV.

Nick snorted, rolling over, onto his back. “Trigger happy.”

“The movie’s over,” Drew said unncessarily, his eyes travelling over Nick’s body.

“How much sex do you think regular people have?” Nick asked.

“Regular people?” Brian asked.

“Once a day?” Drew asked.

“You’ve already had sex once today,” Nick said.

“We’re not regular people,” Brian said.

“Why not?” Nick asked.

“We have you,” Brian said.

“Okay, good for you,” Nick said. “So what?”

“The movie’s over,” Drew said again.

“One-track mind!” Nick exclaimed.

“You’re not even remotely mad at us,” Brian said.

“Not at all,” Nick said. “I’m just having fun. I want to see how long it takes before Drew explodes.”

“I’m going to explode,” Brian said.

“You just got off,” Nick said.

“That’s not the point,” Brian said. “I don’t like not being able to touch you.”

“And you’re not used to thinking that if you wanted some, you couldn’t get some,” Nick said. “That’s never happened before.”

“That, too,” Brian admitted.

“Poor Brian,” Nick said. He arched his back, then lifted his shoulders from the floor, pulling off his T-shirt. He scratched his stomach, stretching his arms above his head. “We’re not eating or having sex, so I guess we’re back to talking.” He put his hands behind his head. “What do you want to talk about?”

“If you don’t kill the mood, we’re going to jump you,” Brian said.

“Okay,” Nick said. “Let me think.”

Drew couldn’t look away from the slender blond trail of hair leading down behind Nick’s fly.

“I know,” Nick said. “Brian sucked my blood.”

Sex dropped out of Drew’s mind. “What?”

Justin felt like lightning had cracked inside his body. But now there was peace. Calm. Warmth. Support.

He opened his eyes and saw JC.

JC kissed him.

He fell into love.

“Nick,” Brian said.

“What?” Drew asked again.

“It’s not a big deal,” Nick said. “It was a few days ago. Right before Brian went to be with Justin. He wasn’t feeling right, he was on the fritz. He wanted to be closer to me. So we did that thing, we got a knife, I cut my finger, he cut his finger, we put our fingers together. Blood brothers. But that wasn’t enough, he wanted more. We weren’t close enough. We weren’t truly part of each other. He wanted to be me. So he cut me, just enough to make it bleed a little, and he licked at it. Sucked at it a little.”

Drew slipped down from the couch, reaching out to touch Nick’s naked chest.

“It didn’t hurt,” Nick said, unsure of Drew’s reaction.

Drew looked over his shoulder at Brian.

Brian joined them on the floor, his hand over Drew’s on Nick’s chest. “I would never hurt Nick. I didn’t hurt him. He understood what I needed from him, and he gave it to me freely.”

“You wanted to be…closer,” Drew said, trying to understand.

“He came to his senses later,” Nick said. “He knows we’re as close as two people can get. We’re actually one. It’s not bad, being one. We’re trying to get to be one with you, too.”

“One,” Drew repeated.

“Are you okay?” Nick asked, sitting up. “I’m okay. Brian’s okay.”

Drew turned to Brian again. “Did it work?”

“Yes.” Brian nodded.

“This was what happened, the thing that you told me about,” Drew said. “Nick told me that something strange had happened, that he would tell me about when I came home. And you told me that he had strengthened you. You needed him, needed to feel close to him, to go to help Justin.”

“Yes,” Brian said.

“Because to talk to Justin, you had to understand JC. And you felt too similar to JC. You were afraid you’d have to address things in JC that would mean confronting your own weaknesses.”

“My own sins,” Brian said.

“Why didn’t you share this with Nick when you first did it?” Drew asked Brian. His voice was gentle, without accusation or judgment. “Why didn’t you make it a two-way street? If you wanted to be closer to him, then you sharing your blood the way he shared his would bring you closer. But you didn’t complete the moment.”

Nick put his arm around Drew’s waist, bringing Drew against his naked side. His other hand rested on Brian’s knee.

Brian was looking down, at the carpet, at his hands. “My blood wasn’t clean,” Brian said. “I was falling apart. I wasn’t myself anymore. I was confused, I was… Nick was so pure in his generosity and his love and his trust… I felt unclean, dirty, contaminated. My heart, my soul, everything. My blood. I couldn’t share that with him.”

“Hell,” Nick said. “Why didn’t you tell me? God, Brian.” He hugged Brian with the arm that wasn’t around Drew, kissing Brian’s cheek. “You’re not dirty, you’re not contaminated. Where do you get this stuff?”

“That’s why I needed you,” Brian said, touching Nick’s face. “And you were there for me.”

“And you took his blood into yourself,” Drew said.

“Yes,” Brian said.

“What did it feel like?” Drew asked.

“Feel like?” Brian repeated.

“I want to know Nick as intimately as you do,” Drew said. “And I want to know you as intimately as I know Nick. I want to do this. You started something. We should finish it.”

“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” Nick asked.

“Tell me more about what it was like,” Drew said. “Before and after.”

“Brian was falling apart,” Nick said. “He was...”

“My soul was unsettled,” Brian said.

“It was pretty bad,” Nick said, remembering the depth of pain in Brian’s eyes. “He took his strength from us. He talked to you. He took a piece of me. He made love to me. Sex can help. Like today,” Nick said, shifting to speak to Brian now. “When Drew made love to you, that made you feel better, didn’t it? It brought everything back.”

“I was one,” Brian said.

“With what?”

“God. Everything.”

“Okay, see, that’s good,” Nick said. “Just like you felt better after you connected with me. You were better,” he reminded Brian. “After you took my blood. You felt more centered.”

“It was an incredible change,” Brian admitted.

“I’m there, inside of Brian. It’s like an extra source of, of whatever it is that you two get from me.”

“It’s a resource and a bond that I can draw on in times of weakness,” Brian said.

“Yeah, yes, right,” Nick said. “Once we finish this ritual ceremony thing, we can all do that. Draw on each other for strength. Use our connection. We’re all a part of each other. We’re with each other no matter what.”

Brian touched a spot on Nick’s chest, below his collarbone. Drew knew from the reverence in Brian’s touch that it was where Brian had drawn blood before.

“It’s not just taking,” Nick said. “We’re also going to give. There’s balance. It’s bigger than that.”

JC rubbed his palm over Justin’s peach fuzz. “Are you okay?”

“No,” Justin said. “I don’t know. Your letter was… And when you made love to me… What am I supposed to feel when we make love? I felt what I always used to feel, like it’s only when you’re inside me that I’m truly complete. But I’m not supposed to feel like that anymore.”

“We are complete when we’re together,” JC said. “We’re also complete on our own.”

“That’s not possible,” Justin said.

“We’re more complete when we’re together because when we join, we fill in each other’s nooks and crannies. We complement each other. Our bodies complement each other. That’s why we fit together so well. That doesn’t mean you’re incomplete without me.”

“I’m just more complete with you,” Justin said.

“Yes.”

“Complete on my own,” Justin said. “More complete with you.”

JC smiled. “Yes.”

“We made love,” Justin said.

JC couldn’t stop touching Justin’s hair, or lack thereof. “Yes, we did.”

“It felt…natural. Good, but…normal. I don’t know. I think we should do it again.”

“You do?” JC asked, smiling again.

“I wasn’t really here, and I wasn’t really ready for it. It kind of just happened to me. We should do it again. The way we used to.”

“The way we used to?”

“You know. Not breaking furniture, but… Blending into each other. When you become me and then explode me from the inside out.”

JC blinked. “I do that?”

Justin hesitated. “Sometimes.”

“How?”

“I don’t know. You’re JC. It’s one of those JC things you do that makes me want to crawl on all fours behind you paying homage to the dirt that touches your feet.”

“Oh, one of those things.”

Justin grinned. “Yeah. One of those things.”

JC laughed.

“So, you want to?” Justin asked, hooking an arm around JC’s waist.

“Want to what?” JC asked, touching the end of Justin’s nose.

“Make love to me.”

“Is it going to set back our…recovery?” JC asked.

“I don’t know,” Justin said. “I don’t think so. I think if we avoid sex, we’ll make it a bigger issue than it really has to be. Sex is natural. We do it every five minutes. It’s part of how we express how we feel about each other. We’re trying to find new ways to show our love, so let’s practice.”

“So this will be good for our relationship,” JC said.

Justin tried to keep a straight face. “Yes.”

JC eyed him suspiciously. “You just want to get laid.”

“Maybe, but what I said is still true. Besides, JC, it’s been so long, you know that’s part of why we fell apart.”

“We just had sex.”

“Not really. We did, but I wasn’t here for it, I was so busy being mind-fucked by that letter, the actual sex part was kind of surreal.”

“All right.”

Justin grinned.

JC kissed him.

Justin moaned, all of his loneliness and fear and emotional horror falling away at the feel of one tender kiss. “Please buckle up,” he murmured to himself as JC eased him onto his back. “This is not a drill.”

Stripped to the waist, the three of them sat in a circle on their bed. Nick handed the knife to Drew.

“Are you all right with this?” Drew asked.

“This isn’t really the reaction I expected you to have, but yeah,” Nick said. “You’re right. Brian started it, and we should finish it. Otherwise, it would be even more wrong and crazy than it already is.”

“We’re one unit,” Brian said. “We’re going to share one marriage. We’ve shared our bodies and our hearts and our seed. It’s right to share this.”

Drew adjusted his grip on the knife. “Here goes nothing.” He nicked his index finger, then handed the knife to Nick.

“Okay.” Nick held his breath and cut his finger, then pressed his finger to Drew’s, mingling their blood. “Are we actually bleeding into each other, or just on each other?”

“I don’t know,” Drew said. “The point is the symbolism.”

“Then next time, let’s use a symbolic knife instead of an actual knife.”

Drew smiled. “I love you.”

“You’re weird, and I love you, too,” Nick said. He took his finger from Drew’s. “Now comes the fun part.”

“You know I don’t want to hurt you,” Drew said, picking up the knife.

“Says the man holding the wickedly sharp knife,” Nick said. “No, I know, you wouldn’t ever cut me on purpose if we weren’t doing demented things to prove our love. I get it. I’m okay. It really doesn’t hurt like you’d expect.”

“Do you want to lay down?”

Nick nudged Brian out of the way and lay on his back. “Okay. I’m good.”

“Are you sure?” Drew asked.

“I know if I asked you not to, you wouldn’t,” Nick said. “So go ahead.”

Drew kissed Nick’s chest, then put the tip of the knife to that same kissed spot. He carefully pressed the tip harder and harder until it broke skin. When he saw blood, he stopped, leaning in to lick it up. He lapped gently at the small cut, then closed his mouth over it.

Nick closed his eyes.

Drew pushed at the spot with his tongue to keep it from healing himself, making it bleed again. He swallowed blood, kissed the cut, and sat back.

Brian put his hand to Nick’s forehead, gently stroking Nick’s hair. “When I did it, he didn’t open his eyes for what felt like forever. I was so worried. But he’s fine.” He rubbed his thumb over one eyebrow. “Sweetheart.”

Nick’s eyes opened. He inhaled slowly, sitting up.

“Where did you go?” Drew asked.

“It’s weird,” Nick said. “It doesn’t hurt, and it’s not like I’m any different than I was ten minutes ago. It’s just us, in our heads, wanting to feel different. And it works. That’s weird.”

“It works?” Drew asked.

“I feel like you have a part of me.”

Drew wrapped his arm around Nick, pulling Nick in for a hug.

“Sappy Drew,” Nick said, hugging Drew back.

“Do it to me,” Drew said, releasing him. “I want you to have a part of me, too.”

“I don’t think I can cut you,” Nick said as Drew lay on his back. “Okay, let me think of how irritating you are,” Nick said. He set the tip of the blade to Drew’s chest. “Let me remember all of the times you were bitchy and pushy and Jesus Christ, you’re bleeding.” Nick dropped the knife. “Oh, shit. Okay.” He licked at the first drops. “We’re not telling anybody ever that we’ve done this.” He closed his eyes and sucked a little.

Drew winced.

Nick swallowed, sitting up. “Did I suck too hard? The only thing I ever suck is dick, so I wasn’t sure how - - are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Drew said, sitting up, kissing his cheek.

Brian handed Drew the knife.

Drew cut his finger and handed the knife back to Brian.

Nick watched in fascination.

Brian nicked his finger and offered it to Drew. They put their fingers together, looking into each other’s eyes. Nick didn’t know what they were looking for. They were staring at each other so intently, it was like they were communicating without words. And then he knew. They were sifting through each other, and taking things. Taking what they wanted from each other. Brian was taking Drew’s strength and patience. Drew was taking Brian’s faith and connection to Nick.

Drew handed Brian the knife and lay back.

Nick was amazed at how calm Drew looked.

Brian’s hand tightened on the knife handle. With a flick of his wrist he opened a shallow cut on Drew’s chest, and put his mouth to it. When he sat back up, licking his lower lip, he asked Nick, “Did you taste that?”

“I tasted blood,” Nick said.

“No, his love, his trust, his patience, his independence.”

“I tasted blood,” Nick said again.

Drew sat up between them. “It’s your turn,” he said to Brian. “Are you okay with this?”

“I wonder if Justin tastes those things in JC,” Nick said. “I thought he was just tasting blood and had some weird vampire fetish, but if he’s tasting love and whatever, maybe that’s why he keeps doing it.”

Drew ignored that. “Are you okay?” he asked Brian again.

“I’m not clean,” Brian said.

“You have me in there, and Nick,” Drew said. “You’ll be sparkling clean in no time.”

Brian smiled a little, and lay down, looking at the ceiling.

Drew touched the knife to Brian’s chest.

Nick swallowed.

The knife point drew a line down between Brian’s pecs, then lightly circled a nipple.

“Fuck me,” Nick said. Brian was holding very still.

“You have to trust me,” Drew said, and the knife took a slow path down to Brian’s navel.

Brian’s breathing was shallow.

“Do you trust me?” Drew asked, touching the point to Brian’s other nipple.

“Jesus,” Nick said.

“Yes,” Brian whispered.

The tip of the blade drew a line across the top of Brian’s chest, a thin trail of blood appearing in its wake. He licked the length of the line, then closed his eyes and sucked at it.

“Damn.” Nick stared.

Drew sat back.

Brian released a shaky breath.

Drew handed Nick the knife.

“I’m not cutting Brian,” Nick said.

“It doesn’t hurt,” Drew said.

“I’m not,” Nick said. “I can’t.”

“Nick, it’s okay,” Brian said, sitting up. “You did it to Drew.”

“That’s different,” Nick said. “Drew’s my personal angel. You’re more like a real angel, and I don’t mess with stuff like that.”

“Nick, I’m a regular person. I’m not an angel. I don’t have wings or a halo.”

“It’s not about that,” Nick said. “It’s about what you have inside you.”

“Then let me share what’s inside of me, with you,” Brian said, taking his hand. “Nick, you’re always there for me. When I need you, you’re always here with me. You give me whatever I ask for. You let me take whatever I want. When I wanted to take a part of you with me, you gave it to me, even though you thought I was out of my mind. And it helped me, it strengthened me, it made me feel connected to you even while we were apart.”

Nick wasn’t convinced.

“There are qualities that you see in me that you don’t see in yourself. Maybe this will help you to recognize them in yourself.”

“I feel weird,” Nick said. “And it’s not right that we did part of this before, without Drew here.”

“Do you want me to do it again?” Brian asked.

“I’d like you to,” Drew said. “I missed it, and Nick’s right, this doesn’t feel complete.”

“I’ll do it,” Brian said, “if Nick does it first.”

“I can’t,” Nick said, withdrawing his hand from Brian’s grasp. “I can’t cut you.”

“It won’t hurt,” Brian promised. He took the Nick’s other hand, the one that held the knife, and raised it to his chest. “One cut. Think of how much you don’t like me, how controlling I am, how I treat you like you’re still sixteen.”

“No,” Drew said. “Think of how beautiful he is, and how he possesses some magic that the rest of us don’t. You want to understand it. You want to see it. Taste it. If you could just get inside him, open him up and figure him out…”

Blood appeared under the point of the knife. Nick stared at it in fascination.

“Taste it,” Drew said.

Nick lowered the knife and ducked his head, licking Brian’s chest. He lapped at the cut, then probed it with his tongue, finding a few drops more. He raised his head and looked at the fine line Drew had drawn across Brian’s chest. “I don’t know. It’s weird. I don’t feel any different.”

“It’s more about the symbolism than the actual act,” Brian said.

Nick settled on his back. “I’m ready.”

Brian took up the knife.

“You know how to dial 911, right?” Nick asked Drew.

“You’ll be fine,” Drew said.

“Right.” Nick closed his eyes. “There are Band-Aids under the bathroom sink, and I’ve already made out my will.”

“Do I get anything?” Drew asked.

“Duh, you get half my money. And a bunch of other stuff.”

“I get half your money?” Drew asked.

Nick opened his eyes. “Can we talk about this in a minute? I want to get this over with.”

“Right. Go ahead,” Drew said.

“Great.” Nick closed his eyes.

“How much money, exactly, do you have?” Drew asked.

“I already told you that,” Nick said.

“Yeah, but it’s gone up since then.”

“Be quiet.”

Drew hushed.

Brian knelt astride Nick’s body, leaning up to kiss Nick’s forehead. He created a shallow cut on Nick’s chest. “The body,” he murmured, kissing Nick’s chest. “The blood,” he murmured, and licked up Nick’s blood. He nursed the tiny wound, keeping the blood flowing, for long, passing seconds. Then he let it close, sitting up again.

Drew put his hand over Nick’s chest. “Nick.” He put his other hand to Nick’s forehead, stroking Nick’s temple. “Nick.”

Nick’s eyes blinked open. “Shit.”

“We’re finished,” Drew said, pulling Nick to sit upright.

“Are you allowed to be sacrilegious?” Nick asked Brian.

“I find certain things to be religious, very spiritual experiences,” Brian said. “Creating and celebrating a profound, intimate, spiritual bond of love with another human being is very moving and, to me, very sacred.”

“You do seem to be feeling better,” Nick said. “What are you doing?” he asked Drew, who was laying down.

“I need to think about what we just did,” Drew said.

“Okay.” Nick lay beside him. “Quiet time.”

Brian curled in on Nick’s other side, reaching across Nick for Drew’s hand.

Nick sighed peacefully.

Brian studied the shape and color of Drew’s eyes.

Drew gazed at a random hair on Brian’s forearm, reflecting.

Nick wondered if it would be rude if he took a little nap.

Brian pictured Drew’s blood cells and Nick’s blood cells travelling through his body, replacing fear and doubt with courage and peace.

“When you say half, do you mean a full exact half, or is it just some?” Drew asked Nick.

matthew@matthewtime.com
"Where You Belong" Part 50
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