"Where You Belong"

Where You Belong, eighth in the "Living" series

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Thus far we've had JC/Justin, Nick/Drew/Brian, Nick/Jeff, Nick/Drew/Brian/Nick/Jeff, AJ/Lance, AJ/Howie, AJ/Kevin, Chris/Howie, and partridge/pear tree.

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashwriters.

Wherein Drew won't go behind Brian's back, AJ can screw anybody he wants, and could JC be mellowing?

Notice: First, read "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," "Rest in Peace," "Destiny," and "Together." I know it sounds like a lot, but it'll only take you an hour or two.

Joey dragged himself to his bedroom. Going out hadn’t worked. Getting drunk hadn’t worked. Getting laid hadn’t worked. He could still feel Lance’s warm, hard body in his hands, and he could still taste Lance on his tongue, and he could still hear Lance’s low, pornographic moans in his ear, and he could still see all of the pain and all of the anger flare like fire in Lance’s eyes when his rejection hit.

Maybe he just should have gone ahead and gone through with it. Nothing could have been worse than hurting Lance. He could have done it. He’d done it before.

But he couldn’t. Lance was his best friend. Lance was the closest he’d ever come to finding someone who felt like someone Joey belonged with, someone who felt like he belonged with Joey. Sometimes, when JC or Justin talked about each other - - not the way out there stuff, and not the sex stuff, but the love bond stuff - - it sort of sounded like the way he felt about Lance.

Or the way Brian talked about Nick. About meeting him, and connecting with him, and just knowing.

And maybe that made sense. JC and Justin were best friends, and Brian and Nick were best friends, and Joey and Lance were best friends. So maybe it was only right that Joey would recognize similarities to his feelings for Lance in those relationships. It kind of was the same, except he and Lance weren’t having sex.

Joey’s family and friends were very important to him, more important than anything else. And Lance was more important to him than anyone else, more important than his siblings, more important than Chris and Justin and JC, even more important than, God forgive him, his parents.

He respected and admired Lance. He felt protective of Lance, not in a possessive or jealous way, but more in the way that he wanted Lance to be happy, and he wanted to step in and regulate if anything bad happened to hurt Lance.

He wondered if it was possible to find a soulmate in a friend. Wasn’t a soulmate supposed to be along the lines of a potential marriage partner? But Joey had been out with women all night, and he’d come home alone, and he missed Lance even though he’d seen Lance already that day. He’d spent all night in crowds of people, talking and laughing and dancing and screwing, and he’d never felt so horribly lonely in his life.

By its very nature, an orgasm was a pleasurable experience. Under normal circumstances, Lance enjoyed his orgasms as much as anyone else did. But after fucking his third ass in his fifth club of the night, Lance was disgusted. Disgusted with himself, disgusted with the college boy he was removing his dick from, disgusted with the world as a whole.

He was off drugs. Fucking men reminded him that Joey couldn’t be bothered to do to him what he was doing to a random trick in a back room, and he couldn’t go near a woman without seeing her through Joey’s eyes. That left alcohol, and that reminded him of all of the nights Joey had put him to bed.

Joey’s hands, strong and careful, undressing him.

He’d had way too much to drink. If he didn’t watch it, he’d end up in an alley, covered in his own vomit. That would make great press.

Lance forced his way through the crowd and out of the club. The night air chilled his sweat. He couldn’t remember the name of the guy he’d just fucked. He couldn’t remember any of their names, or their faces, or what they’d been wearing. God. He had to get his shit together.

He couldn’t drive. He didn’t remember if he’d driven to this club, or any of the clubs tonight. Had he called a cab? Did he have his keys?

Cab. He’d call a cab. Or AJ. He had to call someone; he couldn’t get caught in this condition. Management would be all over his ass.

Joey drank water, took a shower, and drank coffee. He checked his e-mail and had a half-assed breakfast. His loneliness was still gnawing at him, and he couldn’t call any of his family members that early in the morning without being cursed out, so he went upstairs.

He had no idea how they were doing, but he figured JC and Justin were probably still in his house, since Justin’s car was still in the driveway. He peeked into the guest bedroom, and there they were, tucked into bed together, JC with his back to Justin’s chest, in Justin’s embrace.

They were together again. They were sleeping together. There was peace in Justin’s sleep that Joey hadn’t seen at Terry’s house.

Joey backed away, carefully closing the door. He didn’t want to disturb their calm. He went quietly back downstairs.

He wanted to call Lance.

He called Chris instead. After the fifth ring he hung up, realizing that if he wanted to call Chris at the crack of dawn, he should pretend to have a reason.

He’d find something to do. He’d… He’d go out and…

Women. He’d call someone. Invite someone over. Go visit someone.

His phone rang. “Yeah, this is Joey.”

“I hope you wanted something good,” Chris mumbled, sounding like he’d been deep asleep mere seconds ago. “Do you know how hard it was to find this phone?”

“Sorry about waking you up,” Joey said. “What are you doing today?”

Chris made a sound like laughter. “Joey, Howie and I moved our entire house yesterday. Today we’re going to be moving furniture and unpacking boxes and unpacking boxes and unpacking boxes.”

The way Chris included Howie… It sounded like offical coupledom. And since they’d just moved into their new house, it actually was official coupledom. Chris was with Howie for real. It wasn’t a phase or a fling. It was real.

Joey leaned back against the wall. “So you’re busy.”

“Just a little bit,” Chris said. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing. JC and Justin seem okay. They’re sleeping together.”

“You can come over,” Chris said. “Help us move furniture.”

“No,” Joey said. “You don’t want me in the way. I’ll-”

“Right, because there’s a three-ton armoire that I know has to go upstairs, and Howie and I can handle that by ourselves, no question.”

“Didn’t you hire movers?”

“Yeah, yesterday.”

“And they took the armoire from house A to house B.”

“That is correct. Tell him what he’s won, Bob.”

“They couldn’t take it upstairs for you?”

“We didn’t know where we wanted anything to go, so we told them to leave it all downstairs.”

“But you know that certain things go upstairs.”

“Shut up, come over, and help us with this,” Chris said.

“Now?”

“Bring breakfast. Lots of it. You know where we are?”

“No idea,” Joey said.

Chris gave him directions. “Drive slowly.”

“Slowly?”

“Either that or walk in on something you don’t want to see.”

“Got it.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.” Joey hung up the phone. He had to smile. Chris had spent yesterday moving, and was probably dead tired; but when he’d wakened Chris for no reason whatsoever, Chris had figured out what was bothering him and invited him over without hesitation. How could he feel lonely when he had a friend like that?

Chris crawled back over the table and kissed on Howie’s neck until he felt Howie’s hand on his arm. He raised his head and kissed Howie’s cheek. “Good news. Joey’s going to help us with this moving situation.”

“That’s great news,” Howie said.

“He’s coming over right now.”

“Right now?” Howie asked.

“Well, he’ll be stopping to pick up breakfast first, but right now, yeah, that’s a pretty good estimate, right there.”

“What time is it?” Howie asked. “I feel like I just fell asleep.”

“It’s almost seven.”

Chris felt that it was very much to Howie’s credit that he didn’t so much as blink. “I didn’t know Joey got up that early.”

“He doesn’t. He probably just got back from the clubs.”

“And the first thing he did was volunteer to move our furniture?” Howie asked.

“He sounds a little off,” Chris said.

Howie nodded, reaching for his sweatpants. “Okay. Let me get up and take a shower. And do me a favor. See if you can find which box has my underwear in it.”

“What would it be labelled?” Chris asked, letting Howie climb past him.

“‘Clothes, Howie,’” Howie answered, making his way through the room.

Chris found his shorts and tried to recall where those boxes might be. Then he remembered that they were all over the downstairs, because there were about eighty of them, and the one he wanted was guaranteed to be trapped in a corner, behind some unmovable piece of furniture, underneath several other boxes.

He found the boxcutter and set out on his mission.

One moment, JC was asleep. The next, he was opening his eyes and rolling over. “What were you thinking about?”

Justin’s fingers ran down the side of JC’s face from forehead to chin. “You.” His thumb tested the roughness of JC’s stubble. “I’ve lost track of my days, but I think I figured it out. Didn’t 98 Degrees come home yesterday?”

“I think so,” JC said.

“You should get the Fools together. Call Brian, have a meeting, get back on track.”

“You mean today? They just got back. Nick and Justin need some crash time. And Brian should get some time with Drew before I drag him off to the studio.”

“Talk to Brian, get a schedule in order.”

JC’s fingers were walking over Justin’s abs. “I can do that.”

“And I want you to talk to me,” Justin said. “Tell me what you’ve been doing and thinking and going through, like I told you.”

“Let me call Brian first,” JC said. “There’s a lot that I want to say to you.”

It was odd to fall asleep beside Drew with Brian on the other side of the bed, and wake up in between Drew and Brian. Nick never remembered moving. And why was a phone ringing?

“Is that my phone?” Brian asked, his face against Nick’s shoulder.

“Yeah.”

Drew was pulling the covers over his head.

“Get it for me,” Brian said.

“You get it,” Nick said. He was comfortable where he was, and getting up sounded like an awful idea.

“I think it stopped,” Brian said.

“Good.” Nick closed his eyes.

“I wonder who it was.”

“I don’t care.”

Silence.

Nick might have liked to roll over, in any direction, but the thing about being in the middle was, he had both Drew and Brian half on top of him, all tangled up with various body parts. At the moment, rolling over would have been more trouble than it was worth.

Brian started again. “It might have been-”

Nick never found out who it might have been, because Brian stopped talking, because Drew sat up, throwing off the covers, and got up, finding Brian’s phone in the bathroom, dropping it on the bed, climbing across Brian and Nick, and scrunching back into his warm spot, his back to them.

“Thank you,” Brian said, kissing Nick’s cheek because Nick was closer, turning Nick towards Drew to pass the kiss along. He picked up his phone and checked the caller ID. “JC,” he said, surprised, and started dialing.

Nick peeled the covers back, exposing Drew’s cheek, and gave it a kiss.

“No, that’s okay,” Brian was saying. “It’s fine. How are you?”

Nick kissed back to the corner of Drew’s jaw, then down onto Drew’s neck.

Drew squirmed, lifting his shoulder to bar access to his neck.

Nick, refusing to be deterred, kept kissing. He also pinched Drew’s ass.

Drew made a startled sound, then kicked Nick. “I’m sleeping.”

Nick pinched again.

Drew kicked again.

Brian pulled at Nick’s arm, climbing in over him, still on the phone. “When did you want to get together for that?” he was asking JC, settling in between them.

Nick glared at the back of Brian’s head.

Drew rolled over to face Brian.

Nick flicked Brian in the back of the head.

“Yeah,” Brian said. “No, I’ll call. That’s okay. You enjoy your time with Justin. Right. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Bye.” He hung up and kissed Drew, sliding his arm around Drew’s waist, tilting his head for a better angle.

Nick rose up, leaning over them, watching closely. He was loving the way Brian was taking over, loving all of the glimpses of Brian’s tongue, and loving the muted, desperate sounds Drew was making, trying to keep up. Nick leaned in closer, closer, then waited until Brian was at the perfect angle, and licked his way into their kiss.

Brian’s arm rose around Nick, drawing him in. Drew turned more towards him, tongue seeking his mouth. Brian’s thigh was pushing up between his legs. Drew’s hand was ruffling the hair at the back of his neck.

Nick licked Brian’s mouth and backed up, leaving a kiss on Drew’s lips. “What’d JC want?”

“We’re meeting tomorrow,” Brian said. “I’m going to call the other guys and let them know.”

Nick glanced at Drew, who was glancing at him.

“What?” Brian asked.

Drew would never complain, never protest. That was because Drew was mature, and kept things in perspective, and didn’t make demands. It was also because guilt was such a burden to Drew, he absolutely hated to put it on anyone else.

Nick, however, had no trouble being direct. “Tomorrow?”

“I know,” Brian said. “We finally got all three of us together, and now I’m going back to work. But JC just got Justin back, so I’m sure he won’t want to spend any more time on the Fools than he has to, for the next few days. We can afford to keep work light for a week.”

“No, you can’t,” Drew said. “Your schedule’s too tight.”

“JC knows that,” Nick said. “He’ll be taking today off, but starting tomorrow, he’ll want to get the Fools moving. When JC works, JC works. You know that.”

“Then we’d better get as much out of today as we can,” Brian said. “What do you want to do?”

“Go home,” Drew said. “Make love.”

“I wasn’t worried about myself,” JC said. “I didn’t give a thought to myself. I was worried about you. How you were, where you were, what you were thinking, how I’d save you, what I’d say to you.”

“Typical JC,” Justin said fondly, lightly running his fingernails up the back of JC’s thigh.

Chris tapped on the half-open bathroom door.

“Is Joey here?” Howie asked around his toothbrush, hooking his foot around the edge of the door and swinging it wider.

There was a towel wrapped around Howie’s waist, and Chris couldn’t decide whether he wanted to snatch it off, or leave it there and grab Howie’s ass through it. “Not yet. I found your underwear.”

“Great. Thank you.” Howie spat toothpaste into the sink. “Where did I put my…” Howie’s gaze travelled from Chris’s hand up to Chris’s face. “Jeans.”

“I’ll get them,” Chris said.

“What are you holding?”

“Underwear.”

Howie set down his toothbrush. “Chris, have you ever seen me wear anything like that?”

“No,” Chris said, “and to be honest, my feelings are just a little bit hurt.”

“Do you wear anything like that?”

“Not even if I got paid to do it,” Chris said. “I’m not arrogant enough or pretty enough.”

Howie rested his ass against the sink, crossing his arms over his chest. “You think I’m arrogant and pretty?”

“Honestly?”

Howie’s eyebrows contracted a notch. “Yes.”

Chris hesitated. “Yes.”

“Chris, twenty-year-old Abercrombie & Fitch models are pretty. I’m not that young and I’m not that spoiled.”

Chris realized that he’d insulted Howie, but not with the pretty part. With the arrogant part. “I didn’t say what I wanted to say the right way.”

“Joey’s going to get here and I’m going to be wearing a towel.”

“I didn’t even get in the shower yet,” Chris said.

“Then go ahead,” Howie said. “I’ll see if I can find the box with the-”

Chris put his hand on Howie’s arm to keep Howie from leaving the room. “I want to explain.” Howie’s arm was a lovely tanned color, thick with muscle, and Chris shocked himself all over again, realizing that he had permission to touch Howie at will. “I didn’t mean arrogant. I meant… I meant proud, maybe. There’s this thing that you have, where you realize your own worth. You believe in yourself. You’re somebody, and you know it. I love that about you. I admire you for it. Nobody ever taught that to me.” As soon as that last sentence slipped out, Chris regretted it. He hadn’t meant to say it.

Howie’s eyes said that he was paying attention, and that he cared, but Chris saw none of the dreaded pity. “I’d like to see you be aware of your self-worth,” Howie said. “You’re worth so much more than you realize. Sometimes I think you don’t even know who you are, because if you did, you’d love yourself.”

“I like myself,” Chris said.

“That’s not enough,” Howie said.

“Joey’s coming. I need to jump in the shower, and you need to get dressed.”

“Chris…”

Chris didn’t want to talk about it. “I’m working on it.”

Howie cupped his chin in one hand, catching his gaze. “I’ll never be able to love you enough to make up for it.”

“I’m working on it,” Chris repeated.

Howie’s fingers brushed his earrings; Howie left the bathroom.

“Hey,” Chris said.

Howie turned, a question in his eyes.

Chris tossed him the underwear.

Howie caught it, and smiled. “Maybe,” he said, and kept walking.

Chris realized what that meant, and the images flashing through his mind sent blood rushing to his groin.

“They had all of the doorknobs off. I guess they didn’t want me to lock myself into the bathroom and hurt myself. I didn’t want to lock myself in. I wanted to get out. I couldn’t hurt myself. I had to get to you.”

“We have such different reactions,” Justin said.

“No, we don’t,” JC said. “We’re both always worried about you.”

Justin chuckled. “That’s one of the main things we need to change. Let’s both practice worrying about you sometimes.”

AJ had seen Kevin naked so many times over the years, at one point, he’d stopped noticing. Being in the same room as Kevin’s naked dick had become just another thing that happened.

But the second that he’d stopped in front of Kevin, looked into those eyes, and said, “Do it for me,” things had changed. Since that moment that day, he’d started noticing again. Damn, had he noticed.

So, waking up with Kevin naked beside him, he took the opportunity to look.

And touch.

Kevin was one of the whitest people AJ had ever known, in several ways, including the color of his skin. The column of his neck was long, and it looked like an excellent place for AJ to test his teeth. AJ resisted the urge, but had to leave a few kisses there.

AJ traced the lower curve of Kevin’s pec with his fingers, then with his tongue. Kevin’s nipple was too tempting; AJ licked over it, feeling it harden against the point of his tongue. His lifted his head, his gaze running down over Kevin’s abs, wondering where to strike next. He looked up, and his attention snagged on Kevin’s cheekbones. Genetics had been very good to Kevin. AJ’s hand ran across Kevin’s chest from shoulder to shoulder, gauging the breadth. He’d known Kevin for years, had seen all of this before; in fact, now that they were lovers, he knew Kevin’s body pretty well. But he was still captivated by it all.

For a long time, Kevin had worn silver rings on his right hand, on his thumb and his ring finger. Holding Kevin’s hand, AJ mentally decorated it again, putting those rings back, adding a few more. He stroked Kevin’s knuckles and considered nail polish.

The phone rang.

AJ found it, keeping an eye on Kevin, who merely rolled over. “Hey.”

“AJ,” Brian said. No one said it quite like Brian did. “We’re getting the Fools together tomorrow morning. Ten o’clock at the studio on Collins.”

“We’re ready to go into the studio?” AJ asked.

“No, but JC knows the owner, and we’re playing a flat fee to use it whenever we want for however long we want.”

“Sweet deal.”

“Not if you know how much we’re paying. You’ll be over tomorrow?”

“Ten, Collins. I’ll make it.”

“Great. See you.”

“Bye.” AJ dropped the phone and turned onto his side, gazing at Kevin. He gently drew his fingers down the side of Kevin’s face. “Why are you being lazy and staying in bed all morning?”

Kevin’s eyes opened. “I didn’t want to interrupt you.”

“Sorry I was acting like such an asshole last night. I know why you don’t trust me. It just pisses me off.”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Kevin said.

“But if you trust me, then I might hurt you, and you don’t want that, either.”

“No, I don’t,” Kevin agreed calmly.

“It’s not fair for me to expect that your love should overcome that. That’s idealistic and stupid. But you should love me enough that it would surpass this kind of bullshit.”

“You’re too practical to believe in that,” Kevin said.

“The Fools are meeting tomorrow,” AJ said.

“98 Degrees got back yesterday,” Kevin remembered.

“I wonder how JC and Justin are doing,” AJ said.

“I’m surprised JC would take his attention away from Justin right now, to work on the Fools,” Kevin said.

“The term ‘workaholic’ would fit in here,” AJ said.

“He’s also a Justinaholic,” Kevin said.

“It does suck for Brian, going back to work when Drew just got home.”

“Would you mind if I came along to your meeting?”

“My guess is, we’re all going to be piling up in this meeting, so the more, the merrier. We can’t stay out of each other’s business.”

“I just want to see how the six of you work together,” Kevin said.

“It could be interesting,” AJ agreed.

“It was so hard,” JC said. “You were gone, and you weren’t coming back. Once you’d learned that you could live without me, you wouldn’t need me anymore. I was so scared, Justin.”

“I’ll always need you,” Justin said.

“You were going to figure out that you were better off without me. It was just a matter of time. It had always been coming. Justin, I worked so hard to be good to you, I spent years, I would do everything I could and say everything I could and try and try and try, but I could never keep you happy. You were never satisfied, no matter what I did or how hard I tried. I tried so hard, Justin.”

“Baby,” Justin said, aching for the pain in JC’s voice. “It wasn’t your fault. It was me. You can’t blame yourself for that.”

“I was never good enough for you.”

“You were too good for me,” Justin said. “You were so good to me, JC. You loved me so much. I was an ungrateful bastard. You did everything you could.”

“Chris said… He said something about give and take. I said that we’ve never had balance, we never work it out right. I said it’s you, you need so much, so badly. He said it’s not just you, it’s me. There’s something in me.”

“Something like what?” Justin asked.

“I don’t know. I thought maybe you might know.”

Justin frowned, thinking about it. “I don’t know what he means.”

“Maybe it is me,” JC said. “Maybe it’s not just that you need. Maybe you were right all along, when you kept saying that I made you need me. Maybe I wanted to be needed.”

“JC, I’ve accused you of a lot of things,” Justin said. “I’m usually full of shit.”

“Maybe not.”

Chris hung up the phone. He said, as Howie wandered into view, “Brian says the Fools are starting up. Big bull session tomorrow morning. I’m taking you with me.”

“With an invitation like that, how can I say no?” Howie asked.

Chris looked at Howie’s ass, which was perfectly shaped by his black jeans. “What do you have on under your clothes?”

“Underwear,” Howie said.

“What kind of underwear?” Chris asked, walking around a table, getting closer.

“I’m hungry,” Howie said. “We forgot to eat last night.”

“I’ll give you five dollars to take off your pants.”

The doorbell rang. “No, thanks,” Howie said, walking towards the front door. “But try asking Joey.” He opened the door. “Hey, thanks for coming.”

“Great place,” Joey said. “Moving up in the world?” he asked Chris.

“I’ll never forget the little people,” Chris said. “I hope there’s food in that bag.”

“Doughnuts, milk, orange juice, napkins,” Joey said. “I go all out for my friends. We have to move all of this stuff?”

“It’s already been moved,” Chris said, setting the bag on a box, handing Howie a doughnut. “We’re just…arranging it.”

“And how much of this furniture needs to be arranged upstairs?” Joey asked.

“That’s up to you,” Chris said to Howie. “You can decide which rooms are for what.”

“Can’t you hire people to do this for you?” Joey asked.

“Don’t tell me you’re afraid of hard work suddenly,” Chris said. “Or aren’t you strong enough to carry a couple of boxes up a few stairs?”

“Don’t you have any more friends you can call?” Joey asked.

“Friends I’d let touch Howie’s belongings? No,” Chris said. “Not except you, Lance, JC, and Justin. Well, you, JC, and Justin. And I think JC and Justin have other things to do. That leaves you.”

“I’m honored,” Joey said. “But it would be easier if we had help.”

“You have friends,” Chris said to Howie.

“Drew came home yesterday, so that rules out Brian and Nick,” Howie said. “That leaves AJ and Kevin.”

“It’s a shame there’s no one you can ask to help us,” Chris said. “Oh, well. Looks like it’ll just be the three of us.”

“I couldn’t go to sleep until you went to sleep, so I could find you. Nick called Brian when you were asleep. I tried, and I tried, but I couldn’t find you. I couldn’t feel you at all, and I can always feel you. You weren’t anywhere. I thought that maybe if I knew where you were, I’d be able to connect with you.”

“They couldn’t tell you where I was,” Justin said. “If you knew, you’d come and get me.”

“I decided that I had to make them tell me.”

Justin winced. “How bad did it get?”

Nick was tying Brian’s shoes while Brian called. “Who’s left?” he asked. “You, JC, AJ, Leprechaun Boy, Justin J., and…”

“Nick,” Drew reminded him.

“Oh, yeah,” Nick remembered. “Him.”

Drew rolled his eyes and resumed his search for his socks. He found Nick’s tie, and smiled.

“How’s he doing?” Nick asked.

“He’s fine,” Drew said.

Nick finished with Brian’s shoes and stood, leaving his shirt untucked, putting on his glasses. “You’re not getting me back in that suit. I wish I’d brought something else to wear. Fine is good. How’s my boy Jeff?”

“He’s fine, too,” Drew said.

“I wouldn’t mind seeing them again,” Nick said. “We should invite the in-laws over for dinner or something.”

Drew glanced at Brian.

“I’m going to go check out,” Brian said, tossing the phone in Drew’s direction. “Call Nick for me.” The door closed behind him.

Nick stared at the door.

Drew picked up the phone.

Nick turned to Drew, one knee on the bed. “You fix him for me. He’s been dragging this shit out for way too long. It’s not even about what it used to be about anymore. I don’t know what the hell it’s about right now. You figure it out and you make him stop it. I know it’s hurting him, and it’s pissing off the rest of us.”

“I’ll talk to him about it,” Drew said.

“Fix him,” Nick ordered.

“I’ll talk to him,” Drew repeated. “You’re doing the right thing. If you want to spend time with Nick or Jeff, go ahead and do it. If you want to bring them up in conversation, go ahead and do it. Don’t avoid the subject just because you might upset Brian. He’s being…”

“A jackass.”

“…unreasonable,” Drew said. “Don’t call him names.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t call,” Nick said. “Make him do it.”

“It’s okay,” Drew said.

“Drew,” Nick said. “It’s Brian’s responsibility. He told JC he’d call everybody. He can’t back out on it. He’s being stupid. He’s not even mad at Nick, he’s mad at Jeff.”

“I don’t mind calling this one time.”

“It’s up to him to do it. Don’t baby him.”

“It’s a phone call. It’s not that serious.”

“That’s why he should be able to do it himself.”

Drew dialed.

“You’re coddling him,” Nick accused.

“We can be firm tomorrow,” Drew said. “Today’s our day, and I don’t want to spend it fighting and proving points. Hey, Nick, it’s Drew. Yeah, I’m keeping it short. The Sentimental Fools are having their first meeting tomorrow morning. Yeah. Ten o’clock at the studio on Collins. Yeah, that one. Yeah. Okay. Sure. Bye.”

Nick sat on the foot of the bed with a sigh. “Coddler.”

“We’ll work on it tomorrow,” Drew said.

Nick gave Drew a firm look. “Jump.”

Drew frowned. “What? Why?”

Nick flopped over onto his back. “I knew it.”

“You hit Kevin?” Justin asked, surprised.

“He didn’t seem to mind,” JC said.

Jeff sat up, wondering if he wanted to get out of bed or not. Ah, he probably should. He hadn’t unpacked. Not that he wanted to. He sighed and got up, scratching a little, stretching a little, heading towards the bathroom.

“Get back in bed!” Nick’s voice commanded.

It sounded like Nick was in the kitchen. Food! Jeff’s stomach suddenly felt empty. He could smell bacon. And he was supposed to go back to bed? What, Nick wasn’t sharing?

“Bed!” Nick ordered, unseen.

“Can I go to the bathroom first?” Jeff asked.

“If you’re quick.”

Jeff rolled his eyes and went to relieve his bladder. Then he got back in bed, sitting propped against the pillows. He stroked his dick a little. If he had to stay in bed, he was going to get Nick to join him.

Hearing footsteps, Jeff pulled the sheets up to his waist.

Nick came into the room, dressed and awake and looking like he’d been up for hours, carrying a breakfast tray. He was barefoot and wearing one of Jeff’s T-shirts. He set the tray over Jeff’s lap, then sat by Jeff’s feet. He had diamond studs in his ears, and when he smiled, his dimples appeared.

“Either it’s our anniversary, or you’ve done something you feel guilty about,” Jeff said. “I know it’s not my birthday. Or your birthday. Are you pregnant?”

Nick fed him a piece of bacon. “I’m glad I’m with you. Justin doesn’t have anyone to come home to. Drew has someone to come home to, but when he’s out on tour, he’s alone. I’m very lucky.”

“It was hard,” JC said. “I kept having to explain things. Explain how you felt about things, how I felt about things, how our relationship worked. It was like no one understood. Brian understood, sometimes. It was like he was reading straight from my heart, or my brain. And Nick understood, sometimes. But some things about us, it was like no one had ever felt that way before.”

“Most people don’t have a relationship like ours,” Justin said. “We have a unique marriage.”

“Chris’s tattoo. I like it. It…reminded me of us.”

“It reminds me that Chris is a lunatic,” Justin said.

Howie was halfway up the stairs with Joey, holding one end of a sofa, when his phone rang. When they got to the landing to rest, he caught it on the last ring. “Hello.”

“What’s Chris doing today?” AJ asked.

“We’re still moving in. We’re here putting the furniture in the right rooms and unpacking boxes.”

“You want some help?”

Howie hesitated.

“I want to talk to Chris. I’ll bring Kevin.”

“All right,” Howie said. “You’re not going to start anything, are you?”

“I’m trying to do right,” AJ said.

“Okay. Come on over. We’ll save some of the heavy stuff for you.”

“Looking forward to it.” AJ hung up.

Howie put his phone back in his pocket. “Chris!”

“Howie!” Chris called back, appearing at the bottom of the stairs.

Howie glanced at Joey, then looked down towards Chris again. “AJ and Kevin are coming over.”

Chris checked his watch. “If we bolt now, we’ll have a good head start.”

“Kevin will be a big help with all of this,” Howie said. “We’ll be glad he’s here.”

Joey looked away.

“Give him five minutes,” Howie said to Chris.

“If he makes fun of my furniture, he’s out,” Chris said.

“Absolutely,” Howie agreed with a smile.

“What do you think I taste like?” JC asked.

Justin tipped his head back, thinking. “God. Infinity. The air somewhere deep in the universe after an asteroid has shot by. The light of the moon. The heat of the sun.”

They’d had a discussion over who was driving home. They decided that Brian was the most likely to be able to focus on driving and not cause an accident. Nick dragged Drew into the backseat and took advantage of the tinted windows. A few glances into the rearview mirror educated Brian on how much freedom of movement a seatbelt really gave.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“What do you mean?” Justin asked, concerned, stroking JC’s hair. “What did Lance say? He didn’t tell you about what he did with me, did he?”

“He told me that you gave him a kiss to give to me.”

“What?”

JC pulled Justin closer so Justin wouldn’t sit up. “It’s okay. Justin, it’s okay. Come here. I didn’t believe him. He was saying a lot of things, things about tasting you, things about how soft your lips are, but I knew he was lying.”

“JC, I never, I didn’t-”

“I know, baby. I know. Lance took things from you, but you didn’t give him anything. He was lying to me. He wanted to get to me, he wanted me to…”

“He wanted you to what?” Justin asked, tense with suspicion, already knowing the answer.

“He had to have known I wouldn’t. He must have known.”

“That didn’t stop him from trying.”

Joey cornered Chris as soon as he could. “AJ and Kevin are coming over?”

“You came over.”

Joey shook his head. “What does that-”

“You hate Howie, and you’ve never tried to hide it, but he welcomed you into his home like a friend.”

“I don’t hate Howie. I like Howie.”

“I don’t hate Kevin. I like Kevin.”

“After-”

“AJ cheated, AJ and Lance fought, AJ and Lance broke up. That’s not Kevin’s fault. It had nothing to do with him. I hate AJ as much as anybody else does, but Kevin is a decent guy. He can be really upstanding.”

Joey wasn’t impressed. “Kevin swooped in at the first opportunity he saw.”

“If Kevin were really like that, he would’ve made his move when they were on tour. He waited until AJ and Lance were broken up, when AJ went to him. Joey, I don’t want to talk about this. Howie said Kevin’s going to be a big help, and I believe him.”

“What about AJ?”

“If I ask Howie to get AJ to leave, he’ll do it. I don’t want to be that guy. I don’t want to make Howie choose, when I know he’s forced to choose all of the time. And I want you to stay. Don’t leave me alone with them. I haven’t seen AJ and Howie in the same place at the same time much at all since...”

“I’ll stay,” Joey said. “I’m not trying to make this harder for you, Chris. I know you have a lot to deal with. I just don’t like you having them pushed in your face like this.”

“As long as I’m keeping Howie in my life, AJ’s going to be around. I have to learn how to handle that.”

“Have you tried a solid right hook?”

“AJ would hit back,” Chris said. “If we fought, and he won, I’d have to cut off my balls and move into a hermit’s cave. I have to find something else to try.” He picked at a loose edge of tape on a box. “Have you seen Lance?”

Joey made himself shrug. “Yesterday.”

“How was he?” Chris asked.

Joey blocked out memories. “He was fine. He was Lance.”

“Yeah?” Chris asked.

“Yeah,” Joey said, as casually as he could. “Why?”

“Something’s wrong with you, and I’m not sure what it is, but you’re on another serious anti-AJ kick, so my first thought was Lance.”

Howie was coming back down the stairs.

“I’m okay,” Joey said, and picked up a box, taking it upstairs, avoiding any more questions.

“Nick said things to me. Things you’d already accused me of. But when you said them, I could tell myself that you were just upset and lashing out at me. When he said them, maybe that meant they they were true. He said I changed you. I created a monster. I made you dependent.”

“You… We both did that,” Justin said. “It’s easy to blame you, but I did a lot of it, too.”

“Baby, you thought you couldn’t live without me.”

“I did it, though. I lived without you.”

“You knew where I was, and you knew you’d get back to me. What if you hadn’t known those things? What if I’d died?”

There was a long moment of silence. Justin stroked the skin behind JC’s ear, his gaze lowered. “I don’t have to answer that question. You know what would happen.”

“Justin, we have to change that.”

“I know.”

“I mean it. That can never happen. No matter what happens to me, that can never be an option for you. I don’t want it to cross your mind.”

“We’re working on it,” Justin said.

Jeff stretched. “Thank you. That was great.”

“You’re welcome,” Nick said, setting the tray on the floor.

Jeff sat back, admiring the curves of Nick’s lips, the swell of Nick’s biceps.

“Welcome home,” Nick said.

“Have I ever told you how good-looking you are?” Jeff said. “It’s amazing. I’ll just be doing my thing, and I’ll turn around and wham! There you are, looking like that.”

“That’s… It’s only because I’m famous,” Nick said. “If you saw me at a gas station, you’d never look at me.”

“You really believe that?” Jeff asked. “How cute.”

Nick cast him a dirty look. “All right, what about you?”

“Oh, I know I’m hot,” Jeff said with his cockiest grin, lacing his fingers behind his head. “The mirror does not lie.”

Nick laughed.

“No, I’m not bad,” Jeff said. “Let’s be honest, I’m not Brad Pitt, but there’s nothing horribly wrong with the way I look, either. If I weren’t a famous pop star, I’d still stand a decent chance in a singles bar.”

“And if your sparkling wit doesn’t do it, there’s always the incredible body,” Nick said.

Jeff smiled. “You seem to like it.”

Nick slid closer; Jeff drew his knees up to give Nick room. Nick braced one hand behind Jeff’s head, brushing his lips to Jeff’s in a soft kiss. “You’re handsome, you’re hot, you’re gorgeous, you’re unbearably sexy in the most casual way possible, and if you were in a singles bar, there would be a feeding frenzy.”

“Frenzy, huh?” Jeff asked, gazing into Nick’s eyes so close to his own, running his thumb just beneath Nick’s lower lip. “You think I’m worth all that?”

Nick’s eyes were starting to darken with arousal. “You know I do.”

“The second I met you, I knew you had to lead 98 Degrees. I knew it because I knew that any group of girls who saw you would go into a screaming…frenzy.” Jeff’s fingers trailed down Nick’s neck. His gaze was still locked with Nick’s. “I knew that because the second I saw you, I got hard.”

Nick’s hand was on Jeff’s thigh through the sheet. “Hard?”

“We always wanted each other,” Jeff said. “You always wanted me and I always wanted you. That’s why I let you take over. That’s why you stayed with me. It wasn’t even a choice. The moment we were brought together…”

“We knew,” Nick finished for him, drawing the sheet down, exposing Jeff’s groin without looking.

“We’ve always known,” Jeff said. “It was there from the first second.”

Nick looked down, breaking eye contact, lowering his head, taking Jeff’s cock into his mouth.

“You what?”

“I was jealous,” JC said.

“But of Brian?” Justin asked. “JC, I… I love Brian, he’s amazing, but… JC, there’s no one but you.”

“Justin, Brian has a harem, and you’re in it.”

“I am not! Yes, I like him. He’s great. But I would never… He’s not you. There’s no comparison.”

“He’s the person you’d be with, isn’t he? When you asked me, and I said Lance, and I wouldn’t let you name your choice. It was Brian.”

“Yes,” Justin said. “But that was all speculation and hypothesis and ‘what if?’ Lance has been throwing himself at you, and you haven’t touched him.”

“Brian is good-looking. And talented. And he could be an incredible lover for you.”

“He already has Nick and Drew. I don’t think he needs me, too. And I have you. No one else gets my attention as long as I have you.”

AJ whistled as he stepped out of the car. “This is the place?”

“This is the place,” Kevin said, going up the walk.

“Talk about a man in love. Damn. Maybe I’m with the wrong guy. How many rooms does it have?”

“More than you’re going to wish it did, after we’re finished unpacking,” Kevin said, ringing the bell.

“Sweet,” AJ said, still looking around. “Do you know how much he paid for it?”

“Yes, and it’s none of your business,” Kevin said.

Howie opened the door. “Bienvenidos.”

“Bienvenidos yourself, there, D.,” AJ said, walking inside. “This place is sweet. You sure it’s not too much for you? I’d be happy to take it off of your hands.”

“Didn’t you hire movers?” Kevin asked, surveying the stacks of boxes and piles of randomly assorted furniture.

“This is my home, so don’t get any ideas,” Howie said to AJ, before turning to Kevin and saying, “We don’t want to talk about it. I hope you’re here to help.”

“Just tell me where to get started,” Kevin said.

“Reinforcements!” Chris said, coming down the stairs. “Hallelujah.”

“He bought all of this for you?” AJ asked Howie.

“He bought it for us,” Howie said, giving Chris a private smile.

“You need to get your gift ideas from Chris,” AJ told Kevin.

Chris, now joining them, pulled up Kevin’s shirt sleeve. “Flex.”

Kevin flexed.

“You are my new best friend,” Chris said. “We have some furniture that’s just calling out your name. This way, please.” He led Kevin into the next room.

Howie tugged AJ closer, a hand on his arm.

“You want to know why I’m here,” AJ guessed.

“Moving into this house is a big step for us,” Howie said. “It’s very important. I don’t want anything to happen.”

“I just want to talk to him,” AJ said. “There are some things that need to be said, that never were.”

“Joey’s here.”

“I saw his truck.”

“Joey’s as important to Chris as you are to me, AJ. We have to find a way for everyone to coexist.”

“If you want me to go, you give me the signal, and I’ll go. I’m not trying to cause more tension. But it looks like you could use some help here.”

“How are things with Kevin?”

“I love him so much I’m crawling out of my skin with it, and I don’t know how to get that across to him.” He leaned in closer, dropping his voice. “Do you and Chris have sex in other places besides the bedroom?”

“Sometimes.”

“Kitchen?”

“No.”

AJ winked. “I’d recommend it.”

“You always share too much information, AJ.” Howie picked up the box he’d set down to answer the door. “Go ask Chris to show you around the house so you’ll know where everything is.”

AJ was impressed. He’d told Howie that he wanted to talk to Chris, and Howie was giving him a classy, subtle way of pulling Chris aside. He walked around to where Chris and Kevin had gone. On the way, Kevin passed him, carrying a TV in the opposite direction. That left Chris, who was picking up a box.

“Great place,” AJ said.

“Thank you,” Chris said, eyeing him warily, using the box he held as a barrier between them. “Howie likes it.”

AJ used the voice he used on skittish, overwhelmed fans. “Could you give me a tour?”

Chris hesitated. “You should probably ask Howie.”

“Five minutes,” AJ said.

“Okay,” Chris said, cautiously setting down his box. “Five minutes.”

“Just the grass?” Justin asked. “What about flowers? Can I make those grow, too?”

“I’m serious,” JC said.

“I make the grass grow,” Justin said.

“Yes. You do. You’re like… You’re strong. You’re independent. You’re alive. You’re in the prime of your life. You’re doing amazing things. I want to sit back and watch. I want to bask in your glow. But if I want all of those things to be true, I have to give you room. Give you space. Give your independence back to you.”

“Okay,” Justin said. “Bask in my glow?”

Drew stopped inside the front door, gazing in every direction.

“Welcome home,” Nick said, putting an arm around his waist, giving him a gentle squeeze.

Brian closed the door, setting down the suitcase he’d been carrying. “What do you want to do first?”

Drew wrapped his arm around Brian, tilting his head against Brian’s as he thought. “We could unpack.”

Nick snorted.

“We could make love.”

“Good idea,” Nick said.

“We could eat,” Drew said. “Do we have any food?”

“We can scrounge up something,” Brian said.

“Food does sound good,” Nick said. “Okay. I’ll take the bags upstairs.”

“Thank you,” Drew said.

“I won’t unpack them,” Nick clarified. “But I’ll take them upstairs.” He gathered up Drew’s luggage and started up the stairs.

“He’s only escaping so he can change clothes,” Brian told Drew.

Drew sighed. “That’s the end of my stockbroker fantasies.”

“You have stockbroker fantasies?” Brian asked, taking him to the kitchen.

“I didn’t until yesterday,” Drew said. “There’s something about Nick. I can fetishize everything about him.”

“I know what you mean,” Brian admitted. “It can be a little scary.”

Drew ran his hand over the tabletop. “It’s so good to be home. I have so many memories of the three of us here, whenever I got lonely or tired or frustrated, I’d close my eyes and remember being home. Last time we were here together, everything was new and everything was different. It was the first time that all three of us were home for a long time. We were in a new house, and we were finally getting to experience real daily life together. I’ve never felt that kind of sustained joy before. It was incredible.”

“It was,” Brian said. “Every day was a celebration.”

“We made love everywhere,” Drew said. “Every room in the house. This table, even.”

“I remember so many moments when I would look into your eyes and see such happiness,” Brian said. “You shone with it.”

“Has that changed?” Drew asked.

“No,” Brian said, taking his hand, looking into his eyes. “No. And I don’t want it to.” Brian kissed him, gently parting his lips, flirting with his tongue. Drew put his arm around Brian’s waist, tilting Brian back slightly over the edge of the table. Brian broke the kiss, taking in a shaky breath, and there was new awareness in Brian’s eyes.

Drew pressed his advantage, dipping Brian back another two inches.

Brian’s hands were on Drew’s shoulders. He waited for Drew’s next move.

Drew realized that he could take Brian if he wanted to. Right then, right there. He could, if he chose. He had power. Power over Brian.

Some things had changed, after all.

Drew slowly brought Brian back up, and released him.

Brian lowered his hands from Drew’s shoulders. After a moment, he turned away.

Drew remembered something that Nick had said to him, earlier, that hadn’t made sense at the time. “Brian.”

Immediately, Brian turned to him.

Drew couldn’t say it. He couldn’t tell Brian to jump. Brian was too proud and too pure for Drew to claim him and shame him. “Nothing.” Brian had been independent, and dominant, for so long, that Drew had to be careful. He was being entrusted with a very precious thing, and he had to do his best to do this right.

Brian nodded and turned away, opening the refrigerator.

“It’s…possible,” JC said. “It’s possible that it’s not my job to make you happy.” He looked at Justin to gauge his reaction.

“I guess that is possible,” Justin admitted.

“It might not be my job to take care of you.”

“I could probably learn how to take care of myself,” Justin said.

“Would you think I don’t love you, if I stopped doing those things?”

“I might,” Justin said. “But you could show me that you love me in other ways.”

“I don’t know,” JC said.

“We could take care of each other a little,” Justin said. “And make each other happy. If we both look after both of us, equally, that might work.”

“Maybe,” JC said.

Chris didn’t know what AJ was up to now, but apparently, it involved him. He didn’t like that. He didn’t want to be pushed into participating in AJ’s little life-destroying games.

“I don’t know what we’re doing with this room,” Chris said, walking into a large, open room with floor-to-ceiling windows all along one wall. “Probably something involving a plant or two.”

“This is great,” AJ said, looking out the windows. “Pool party.”

Chris frowned. “What?”

“Howie said you might be having a house-warming party,” AJ said. “You have a pool and a hot tub out there. You should go ahead and make it a pool party.”

Chris wasn’t putting anyone in their circle of acquaintance, other than Joey and Justin, together in a remotely sexual situation. Pool parties meant bathing suits, and bathing suits meant exposed skin, and that was begging for trouble.

AJ turned to face him.

Chris crossed his arms over his chest. Howie loved him. This two-cent bastard was of zero significance.

“I came here to apologize.”

Chris hadn’t expected to hear that sentence from AJ McLean even once in his entire life. “What?”

“I’m sorry. You and Howie were together. I should have respected that. I’m sorry for being with him. I didn’t even think about what I was doing to you, and I should have.”

“You’re apologizing to me?” Chris asked. He felt dizzy. “You’re apologizing to me? Now? Do you know how long it’s been and how much I’ve had to go through and how much I’ve put Howie through? You’re apologizing to me now?! I don’t want to hear this from you now! It’s too late!”

“I- ”

“You have done so much damage - - do you even realize what you’ve done?! It’s not just me and Lance, either, so don’t kid yourself. It’s me and Lance and Joey and JC and Justin and Howie and Kevin and all of us! Lance isn’t even Lance anymore! Howie and I can’t talk for more than ten minutes without stumbling over you, and every time we do, there’s pain and guilt in his eyes. And it’s your fault.”

“My fault?” AJ asked. “I singlehandedly destroyed everyone’s life?”

“It has to be your fault,” Chris said. “I know Howie. He wouldn’t do that to me. He would never fuck your skinny overrated ass unless you pushed him into it. Howie loves me. He would never have cheated on me. Only someone as self-centered and immoral as you would-”

“I was not alone,” AJ said. “I know you want to get over this, but blaming me and making it all my fault won’t do it. Howie and I were in it together.”

“Who made the first move?” Chris demanded. “Who took the first step? Am I supposed to believe that Howie tried to seduce you? In your fucking dreams! It was easy for you to cheat. You have no morals and no backbone. You wanted to get rid of Lance so you used Howie to make it happen, instead of stepping up to Lance like a real man! Howie would never have cheated on me unless you pushed him into it! He loves me!”

AJ snorted. “Loves you? It wasn’t that hard for him to forget you. Trust me, when he was writhing under my body in my bed at night, he wasn’t calling out your name.”

Every cell in Chris’s body swelled with hatred. The only thought in his head was to kill that motherfucker.

“…when I wrote it, I didn’t think that it would ever get to you. It came out of me like a stream of consciousness, everything I was feeling, everything I was thinking. It’s brutally honest. It came out of places in me I didn’t know I had.”

“I’ll read it,” Justin said. “I will.”

“It got long,” JC said. “I had a lot to say. And that was only the beginning. There’s just… You make me feel so many things…”

Joey was trying to lift with his legs, not with his back. The armoire lurched up another step, and the three of them paused for breath. He had to admit, Kevin was a big help, and stronger than Chris.

Speaking of Chris, “How long is this tour going to take? We could use some help here,” Joey said.

“I don’t know,” Howie said. “AJ said he wanted to talk to Chris about something.”

“Another step?” Kevin suggested.

Joey braced himself. “One, two, three!” He grunted, and the armoire moved up one more step. Just as he relaxed again, he heard a crash.

“What was that?” Kevin asked.

“Chris,” Howie said, already turning to run.

“Wait,” Kevin said, grabbing Howie’s arm. “We can’t leave this here.”

“Then come on,” Howie said. “One, two, three.”

While Joey staggered up the remaining stairs, muscles straining, lungs burning, hoping that the crash they’d heard hadn’t been serious, he had to admit that he was impressed. Howie had been ready to run off and leave the armoire to its fate, just on the suspicion that Chris might be in trouble. Not life-or-death trouble, either.

The front door slammed.

“What was that?” Kevin asked.

As soon as Joey had enough breath, he said, “Beats me.”

The second they set the armoire on the landing, Howie was down the stairs. Joey ran after him, with Kevin. The crash had come from the back of the house somewhere, on the first floor.

Howie burst into the enviably large sun room first, and stopped. Joey almost ran into him. “Fuck!” Joey said, shocked, seeing two of the window panes broken out, glass on the floor.

“Where are they?” Kevin asked.

“Chris!” Howie shouted.

Magically, Chris appeared behind them in the doorway. “Hi,” he said, pressing a washcloth to his hand. “About that window. It’s a little warm in here, so I thought, maybe if we lost a few of those window panes, we’d get some air circulation. What do you think? It’s just something I’m trying.”

“What happened?” Howie asked, taking Chris’s hand. “What… You’re bleeding.” There was blood seeping through the washcloth, too fast for Joey’s liking.

“Oh, that’s nothing, just a slight flesh wound,” Chris said, trying to pull his hand from Howie’s grip.

“What happened?” Kevin asked.

“Let me see it,” Howie insisted, lifting the washcloth. Joey winced. “You need a doctor,” Howie said.

“It’s nothing!” Chris said. “I do stupid things when I get mad. I’m sorry.”

“It’s a window,” Howie said. “We can get it fixed.”

“It’s our new house,” Chris said.

“It’s okay,” Howie said. “I’m taking you to the hospital.”

“I just need a Band-Aid.”

“I’ll call John,” Kevin said.

“Thank you,” Howie said.

“Who’s John?” Chris asked.

“Our doctor,” Howie said. “How did this happen?”

“I got mad and hit the wall. The wall happened to be glass.”

“Why were you mad?”

“AJ said something he shouldn’t have. I got mad.”

“How about this,” Howie said. “Pretend you’re telling me a story about two other people. What would you say?”

Kevin was off the phone. “I can-”

“No, you’re staying, because I want you to hear my version before he tells you his,” Chris said.

“Don’t ever do this again,” Howie said, turning the washcloth over to find a side that wasn’t saturated with blood. “Let’s sit down.”

Chris sat where he’d been standing. Howie knelt in front of him, applying pressure to his cuts. “There were two guys, Xander and Topher. Xander’s one of those slinky sexy predatorial types you’d never let your daughter go near, and Topher’s at least three times as hot. Xander was trying to apologize to Topher for having screwed Topher’s boyfriend. Topher didn’t want to hear it, because it was way too late for apologies. Too much damage had existed for too long for any ‘I’m sorry’ to do any good anymore. Topher was finally getting to the point where he was getting over it, but Xander trying to come around apologizing was way too little, way too late.”

Joey thought that it was about time that AJ apologized to Chris. He also thought that Chris had had every right to tell AJ to fuck himself.

“Topher told Xander that he was full of shit, and blamed Xander for all of the damage that had been done. Xander was nice enough to remind Topher that it takes two to tango, and if Xander was to blame, so was Topher’s very beautiful, very perfect lover. Topher pointed out that his boyfriend had been in love with him, and wouldn’t have jumped into Xander’s bed without Xander doing something to get him there. Xander said something horrible. Topher wanted to kill him.”

Joey wondered what AJ had said.

“I wanted to kill him,” Chris said. “But hitting him wouldn’t do any good. If you hit someone like AJ, he’ll get mad and hit back, but you don’t get anywhere. So I said things. I told him exactly what I thought of him. I was still so furious, I wanted to hit him, but Howie doesn’t want me to hit AJ, so I hit the window instead. And I told AJ to get out. He left.”

“You told AJ off?” Joey asked.

“He told me something,” Chris said. “He hates me. Lance hates me. I’m still with Howie. I’m still what some people might call disgustingly in love with Howie. Howie and I succeeded where they failed. Lance’s love for AJ wasn’t strong enough to overcome what had happened, and they both hate me because I remind them of that.”

Joey glanced at Kevin. Kevin looked royally pissed. He probably would have taken out a window pane or two, himself, if he didn’t exercise such iron self-control.

Joey cleared his throat. “The doctor’s probably going to tell you not to be carrying furniture around with that hand, which is going to slow you down on this moving thing. Why don’t Kevin and I get back to work.”

“Thank you,” Howie said.

Kevin nodded and walked out. Joey followed him, but took one last look into the room.

Howie was murmuring something Joey couldn’t catch, and Chris was smoothing Howie’s hair with his good hand.

“You broke a lamp?” Justin asked.

“And a table,” JC said.

“A table?!”

“Not the whole table. One of the legs snapped off.”

‘You broke a table?”

“It wasn’t a big table...”

Jeff reached up to the mattress, levering himself up to a sitting position on the floor.

“Don’t. Say. Anything,” Nick said.

“Can I say that we need a bigger bed?” Jeff asked.

Nick closed his eyes.

“I need a camera.”

“Shut up.”

“You look incredible. You look edible. You look like the-”

“I’m exhausted, I’m sweating, I think I pulled a hamstring, there’s cum leaking out of my ass, and you’re gloating. So shut. Up. Jeff.”

Jeff climbed up to sit on the bed. “Nick.”

Nick groaned.

“You wouldn’t mind if I did that one more time, would you?” Jeff asked.

“You’re not touching me for another twelve hours.”

“Sorry about the falling off of the bed thing.”

“Sorry about the slamming into the heardboard thing,” Nick said.

“Twelve hours?” Jeff asked.

“At least,” Nick said.

“You’re already naked and warmed up. It seems like a shame to wait that long.”

“Don’t even try it.” Nick opened his eyes. “That shower is far away.”

“Seriously, maybe we should get a bigger bed,” Jeff said.

“We’d still roll over the edge of it and onto the floor,” Nick said. “We’d just roll farther to get there.” He considered it. “But maybe… We could look into it. I could use more space when I’m sleeping.”

“Why do you always accuse me of taking up all of the room?” Jeff asked.

“Because you do.”

Jeff stretched out on his stomach at Nick’s side.

Nick turned his head to look at Jeff.

Jeff had his eyes closed. “I don’t want to unpack.”

“You don’t have to.”

Jeff’s eyes opened. “I don’t?”

“I did it for you,” Nick said.

“Laundry?”

“Taking care of it.”

“You realize you’re too good to me.”

“It’s my little way of thanking you for what you just did to me.”

Jeff smiled. “What I just did to you?”

“I don’t know what to call it or how to describe it.”

“And just think. In twelve hours, I’ll do it to you all over again.”

Nick groaned. “I don’t think I’ll be able to take it.”

Jeff closed his eyes again, still smiling.

“The Fools have a meeting tomorrow morning,” Nick said.

“Didn’t we just get home? And now you’re working again?”

“I know. It won’t be all day every day. And you can come with me.”

“Nick, I’m not worried about me, I’m worried about your stress level and your voice.”

“Oh.”

“Didn’t think about that, did you?”

“My voice will hold up,” Nick said, not quite confidently.

“Nick, you have a very strong voice. It stands by you no matter what. But you have to start treating it better, so I can say the same thing ten years from now.”

“Are you trying to terrify me?”

“No, I’m not. I’m just asking you to think about it. You’re a very healthy person with a very strong voice. You’re going to stay that way. I’m just being overprotective, because you need to give yourself a rest, and you’re not.”

Nick rolled over, right up against Jeff, half on top of him. “You can rest for both of us.”

“Believe me, I will. I’m going to be the laziest son-of-a-bitch you ever saw. I work way too hard not to use my time off the way it’s meant to be used.”

“Aw, did they make you work hard?”

“I had to sing and dance at the same time. I had to pose for pictures and sign autographs and ride on a bus. It was hard, Nick.”

Nick laughed. “I’m sure we all feel very sorry for you.”

“It takes a real professional to ride a bus.”

“I’m sure it does.”

“And those photo shoots? You have to change clothes and everything. It’s very strenuous.”

“If I’d known how hard it was, I would have helped you.”

“Helped me change clothes?”

“Helped you out of your clothes.”

“Helped me get naked.”

“Exactly.”

Jeff snickered.

“I’m taking a shower,” Nick said, rising.

“Am I invited?” Jeff asked, rolling to his back, running his eyes down Nick’s body.

“Ask me again in twelve hours.”

“I blamed myself for everything that was wrong between us,” JC said.

“I know,” Justin said. “I did, too. That was wrong. It wasn’t fair to you, and it wasn’t true.”

“How can I stop doing that? How can I stop trying so hard to be good enough for you? How can I let things go?”

“You have to remember that it’s not your job to make me happy. It’s not your job to oversee my life and protect me from everything. Sometimes things happen. Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes I’ll screw up. You have to let me.”

Brian took glasses from the cabinet. “What’s Nick doing?”

“I don’t know,” Drew said, seated at the table. “He can’t still be changing clothes.”

“I heard him come downstairs,” Brian said. He took a pitcher of lemonade from the refrigerator. “Do me a favor and get him in here.”

“Nick!” Drew shouted.

Brian smiled.

“Hey,” Nick said, walking into the kitchen, barefoot in shorts and a T-shirt. “It’s my Drew in my house.” He squeezed Drew from behind, leaving wet kisses on Drew’s cheek. “You like being home?”

“I’m going to sleep in my own bed tonight, and take a shower in my own shower, and raid my own refrigerator,” Drew said. “I love it.”

“Drew’s home,” Nick said, wrapping his arms around Brian from behind.

“I know,” Brian said, somehow managing not to spill the lemonade he was pouring. “I’m glad.” Setting the pitcher down, he reached back with his free hand and patted the back of Nick’s thigh. “Go sit down and eat.”

“Are we going to have to give Drew time to himself?” Nick asked, taking a seat.

“I don’t know if we’re capable of that,” Brian said, passing around the glasses.

“He has to unpack and do his laundry and call his family and catch up on everything,” Nick said.

“You know, we could help him with the unpacking and laundry,” Brian said.

“Eh, no,” Nick said. “I think he can handle that himself. What is this?”

“You took my seat,” Brian said, switching plates with him.

“We don’t have seats,” Nick said. “We always sit in different places. Just like we don’t have assigned sides of the bed.”

“While I’m meeting with the Fools tomorrow, Drew can take care of things,” Brian said. “As long as you stay out of his way.”

Nick chewed while he thought. “AJ will be at the meeting with you, but I can visit Kevin.”

“Don’t harass him about their relationship,” Brian said.

“That’s the whole point of visiting him,” Nick said. “Nick will be at the meeting, too, but I could visit Jeff. Or, I know, everybody who isn’t at the meeting, we can all get together and start our own group.”

“That’s…an idea,” Brian said politely.

Nick kicked him under the table. “That’d be me, Kevin, Howie, not Drew because he’ll be busy, Jeff, Timberlake, Fatone, and not Lance. That could, hmm, Howie and Jeff? That’s overlap, right? I know. Kevin and Timberlake and Fatone and Howie and I can be the group, and Jeff can be our manager.”

Drew snorted.

“Our producer?”

Drew snorted.

“Our choreographer?”

Drew choked.

Justin frowned. “You don’t want me to feel good?”

“If you… If you know how to create and draw that pleasure out of yourself, you won’t need me anymore.”

“JC, that’s… That’s only sex. I need you for other things, besides sex.”

“Things like what?”

Justin almost laughed. “Things like everything! Love, and friendship. You laugh at my stupid jokes and you make sure I’m taking care of myself and I can wake up with you every morning and you sing around the house and you push me to be the best performer that I can be. Every time I start slacking off, I see you, and if you’re working that damned hard, the least I can do is put effort into it, too. I need you to be you, and to love me, and to be with me.”

“If I… If I taught you how to love yourself,” JC said.

“Narcissism,” Justin said.

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“If I taught you that… Then we’d know that you’re with me because you want to be with me, and not for sex.”

“We already know that.”

“But that’s why I haven’t taught you. I was afraid that it would prove that you were only with me for the way I made your body feel.”

“My body? JC, it’s not just my body, it’s all through me, my brain, my soul, you touch all of me, every aspect of me. If you want to prove it to yourself, then you can teach me self-love. I think you should, because then you’ll know for sure.”

Howie closed the door after the doctor left.

“What’s the damage?” Joey asked.

“I never like seeing doctors,” Chris said. “They always start in with all of this talk about Valium and straitjackets.”

“A few stitches,” Howie told Joey. “He’ll be fine.”

“Normally, having my right hand injured would do horrible damage to my sex life,” Chris said. “It’s a good thing I have you,” he told Howie.

“I’m going to take that as a compliment,” Howie said. “Thanks for all of your help,” he said to Joey. “We really appreciate it.”

“Kevin and I got all of the furniture upstairs,” Joey said. “We’re working on the boxes of clothes.”

“I’ll help you with that,” Howie said. “Chris, if I ask you to rest, you’ll be up and getting in trouble within five minutes, won’t you?”

“I’d say four minutes,” Chris said.

“Then I want you to do two things for me. First, call someone and get us lunch, because if we’re not going to pay Joey and Kevin, at least we can feed them. Then check all of the TV’s, make sure they’re hooked up, and go through every channel to make sure they’re all there.”

“You’re hoping I’ll get distracted and just start watching TV,” Chris said.

“Yes, I am,” Howie said.

“Okay.”

“Thank you,” Howie said, patting Chris’s arm, and turned to go.

“You know I did this on purpose to get out of lugging all of those boxes upstairs,” Chris said as Howie walked into the next room to get a box.

“I know,” Howie called back.

Joey had to smile. He kind of liked Howie.

“…the other side of me.”

“JC,” Justin said.

“I’m JC,” JC said.

“No, he’s JC. You’re Josh.”

JC blinked. “Am I?”

“Yes. You’re quiet and good-hearted and loyal and loving. You make love to me.”

“And JC?”

“Is a god onstage and pure sex offstage.”

“And you like that?”

Justin licked his lips. “Yes.”

“JC is the rock star side?”

“The role-playing was an extreme.”

“But it’s the way things might have been.”

Justin thought about that very carefully. “Yes. Maybe.”

“But things don’t have to be that extreme. They don’t have to be this extreme.”

“You think there’s a middle ground?” Justin asked.

“There has to be. I can’t be your doormat forever, and I won’t become him again.”

“You’re right,” Justin said. “There has to be a compromise, a situation where we don’t take each other for granted or treat each other like shit.”

“I liked it,” JC said. “I could never admit that, but I did.”

“I know,” Justin said. “That’s why it scared you so much. I liked it, too. I wanted to stay there.”

“You were sick of the way things were.”

“I was. There was so much more to you than you were giving me, and I got some of that when I was with him.”

“We have to find the middle ground.”

“We will,” Justin said. “We’re getting there.”

Justin opened his front door. “AJ.”

“If you don’t let me in, I’m going to go to Lance, and I’ll do exactly what Kevin thinks I’ll do, and I’ll throw away every good thing in my life,” AJ said.

“Then you’d better come in,” Justin said, pulling the door wide to allow him entrance.

Inside Justin’s home, AJ pulled off his sunglasses. “You were there. In Kendig. When everything blew up. Chris went to you.”

“You could say I gave him asylum,” Justin said. “I was neutral ground.”

“Did you help him? Did you talk to him?”

“A little,” Justin said. “He didn’t come to me for advice, he came to me because he knew I wouldn’t ask any questions. But we did talk, and I hope I helped.” Justin leaned back against the banister, his arms crossed over his chest. “What’s this about?”

“I have to talk to someone who was there, someone who knows when to keep his mouth shut, someone who hasn’t already chewed me out about this ten times. I’ve fucked up, and my first impulse is to go to Lance and use him to self-destruct, but if I do that I’ll lose Kevin, and I can’t lose Kevin. I can’t lose Kevin.”

“You’re with Kevin?”

“Yeah. I don’t know what he wants with me. He was right. He said he thought that if things got rough, I’d be weak and untrustworthy, and I was offended, I got mad, I couldn’t believe he’d think that about me. But he was right. He knows me better than I do. He knows things about me that I won’t admit to myself.”

“You’re not doing it,” Justin said. “You want to, but you know it’ll be bad for you, and you’re resisting the urge. Maybe you’re not weak and untrustworthy after all.”

“Can we sit down?”

“Sure,” Justin said, showing him into the living room. “Can I get you a glass of water or something?”

“I’d rather have the ‘or something,’ but I’ll take the water.” AJ took a seat on the sofa, burying his face in his hands, sunglasses dangling from between his fingers. “I’m fucked up.”

“I don’t know,” Justin said. “Maybe you have fucked up, but that doesn’t mean that you are fucked up.” He took a step back. “I’ll go get you some water.” He left the room.

matthew@matthewtime.com
"Where You Belong" Part 49
"Where You Belong"
"Living"
RPS page
Home