Copyright April 2, 2002-November 3, 2003 by Matthew Haldeman-Time

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Thus far we've had JC/Justin, Nick/Drew/Brian, Nick/Jeff, Nick/Drew/Brian/Nick/Jeff, AJ/Lance, AJ/Howie, AJ/Kevin, Chris/Howie, and partridge/pear tree.

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashwriters.

Wherein Drew won't go behind Brian's back, AJ can screw anybody he wants, and could JC be mellowing?

Notice: First, read "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," "Rest in Peace," "Destiny," and "Together." I know it sounds like a lot, but it'll only take you an hour or two.

        Brian rolled over, waiting to determine how important the call was, eyelids at half-mast.

        “What the hell,” Nick said.  “Damn, Fatone.”

        “What?” Brian asked.

        “JC ran away from home,” Nick said.  “He took Joey’s car.”

        “He’s going to find Justin,” Brian said, pushing himself up on his elbows.  “Does anyone have any idea where he might be going?”

        “Of course not,” Nick said.  “We’ll get back to you,” he told Joey, and hung up the phone.  “Shit,” he said, mussing his hair.  “JC’s smarter than this.  What’s he doing?  What’s he thinking?”

        “He was separated from Justin for too long, by force,” Brian said.  “Now there’s nothing keeping him away from Justin, but Justin.”

        “No one knows where Justin is.  Now no one knows where JC is.  Fuck.”

        “JC will find Justin,” Brian said.  “He will.  Once he does, they’ll come back.”

        Nick was startled by a violent pounding sound.  “What the-”

        “What is that?” Brian asked, sitting up.

        “Hell if I know,” Nick said.  “Sounds like somebody’s trying to break through our front door with a fucking sledgehammer.”

        “Call the police,” Brian said, trying to find his underwear.

        Nick was opening the window.  “Damn, it’s JC.”

        “JC?” Brian repeated, joining Nick at the window.

        “Open up!” JC was shouting.  “Let me in!”

        “He’s kicking our freaking front door,” Nick said.  “If he leaves marks on the paint, Drew will kick his ass.”

        “Open this door, you filthy fucker!”

        “Oh, hell, no,” Nick said, grabbing his underwear.

        “Call Joey,” Brian said, hurrying down the stairs.

        “No, I’m going with your first suggestion and calling the police,” Nick said, running after Brian.  “Jesus, what’s he doing?”

        “Throwing himself against the door,” Brian said.  “JC!  JC, we’re opening the door!”

        “Let me in!” JC shouted.

        “He’s screeching like a fucking woman,” Nick said.  “Gotta spend less time around Kirkpatrick.  No, no, let me do it.  I think he’s lost his mind, and if he starts hitting, I want him to hit me, not you.”

        “He’s not going to hit anyone,” Brian said.

        Nick dragged Brian away from the door, planting himself firmly in the way, and opened the door.

        “Tell me where he is!” JC shouted.  “Tell me where he is!”

        “We don’t know where he is,” Nick said.  “Calm the hell down.”

        “You, you tell me!” JC shouted, and reached past Nick for Brian.  “You tell me!  You had him last, didn’t you, you fucking-”

        “Whoa!” Nick said, dodging JC’s hands.  “JC, JC!  Damn it-”  He caught JC’s wrists and shoved JC backward, trapping JC against the wall, kicking the door shut.  “What the hell is wrong with you?!”

        “You took me away from Justin and you took Justin away from me and now Justin’s gone!  It’s your fault, you did this to us!  You did this to us!  He was there, he was with Justin, he did this!”

        “It’s not Brian’s fault Justin cracked up!”  Nick slammed JC into the wall again, hoping to knock some sense into him.  “Get a grip!”

        “Justin’s gone!  You bastards did this to us, you kept us apart, you kept us apart!  Now I can’t even find him!  I can’t find him!  Justin’s dead to me and I’m dead inside and he was there, he was with Justin, he saw Justin last, he did something!  He knows something!”

        “I don’t know where Justin is,” Brian said.

        “You told me I could trust you!” JC shouted over Nick’s shoulder.  “You told me!”

        “Oh, right, Brian seduced Justin away from you,” Nick said.  “He doesn’t know where Justin is.  No one does.”

        “We were happy.  We were happy!” JC shouted.  “And then you separated us!  You separated us and-”  JC stopped and screamed.

        Nick kept his tone firm.  “You have to calm down.”

        “You bastards!  You arrogant motherfucking assholes!  You ripped us apart!  You destroyed us!  Justin is gone and I can’t find him!  You bring him back to me!  You bring him back!”

        “We can figure it out,” Brian said.  “JC, if you’ll talk to us, we can help you.  We can figure out where he went.”

        “Let me go,” JC said to Nick.  “Let me go!”

        “No,” Nick said.  “If I let you go and you go after Brian, I’m going to have to kick your ass, and I don’t want to do that.”

        “Do it!” JC shouted.  “Do it!  I won’t feel a thing!  I can’t feel Justin anymore.  I don’t feel anything anymore!”

        “What do you want us to do?” Nick asked.  “If you calm the hell down, we can try to help you find Justin.”

        “Let him go,” Brian said.

        “No,” Nick said.

        “Let him go,” Brian insisted.  “If he-”

        Nick shook his head.  “He’s not-”

        JC growled and threw Nick back.  “You!”  He began to stalk Brian.  “You think you know everything!  You think you understand everything!  You don’t know anything!”

        “Watch it,” Nick warned JC.

        “You don’t know love,” JC said to Brian.  “You don’t know the first thing about love!  You’ve never felt love, never, not for Nick.  If you ever had, you never would have left him.  I would never leave Justin.”

        “I gave him up when I had to!” Brian said.  “It was for his own good!  You’re too damned selfish and greedy to do that!  Justin’s right, it’s never about him, it’s always about you!  In the end, it all comes down to what JC wants.”

        “Look who’s talking!” JC yelled.  “The world revolves around Brian fucking Littrell, doesn’t it?  You couldn’t stop with Nick and Drew, could you?  No, you had to be the center of the goddamned universe!  Jeff, Nick, Joey, you even moved in on Justin!”

        “Justin doesn’t even know I exist!  He’s too busy turning himself inside out trying to live up to your grand fucking love!”

        “My grand love?!” JC demanded.  “I’ve heard you preach.  I thought you were the one with the exalted holier than thou soul experience we commoners refer to as love!”

        “At least I let Nick and Drew be Nick and Drew, instead of trapping them into one-dimensional molds designed to complement my latest version of obsession!”

        “Nick hasn’t been Nick since you got your hands on him!”  JC shoved an intricately designed glass candle holder set to the floor before Nick could catch it.  “As for Drew, you don’t impress me.  You’re keeping him around to look good for Nick.  If Nick ever stopped looking at you with those wide adoring blue eyes, you’d plummet off of that pedestal you’ve climbed up on, and you know it.”

        “Tell me something,” Brian said, and the faint tightening of his jaw made Nick want to dive for cover.  “The way you’ve brainwashed Justin into worshipping you has me confused.  Do those initials stand for Joshua Chasez or Jesus Christ?”

        JC shoved Brian hard enough to knock him back onto a table.  “You figure it out.”

        Brian, eyes closed, put his hand out to keep Nick back.  Nick hesitated, but stayed alert.  Brian stood carefully and faced JC directly.  “No one is perfect,” Brian said.  “I’ve made mistakes.  What happens between me, Nick, and Drew is between me, Nick, and Drew.  You have no right to interfere in something about which you know nothing.  And trust me when I say that you know nothing about it.”

        JC stepped forward angrily.

        “But,” Brian said.  “I had no right to interfere in something about which I knew nothing.  None of us did.  We were wrong.”

        JC stepped back, temporarily willing to listen.

        “It was Lance’s idea.  Chris didn’t want to do it.  Joey agreed to it because he didn’t know what else to do, and so did I.  You and Justin were out of control, JC.  You were hurting yourselves and each other.  We were worried.  Joey and Chris were truly scared for you.  They love you, and you were terrifying them.”

        JC listened, his body lined with tension.

        “We couldn’t call in any professional help, because you’ve never let that be an option.  Outsiders, publicity, it would have done only harm and no good.  That left it all up to us.  And we handled it about as badly as we could have.”

        “Lance set it up to fuck you and Justin over,” Nick said.  “You know that.”

        “We can’t blame Lance,” Brian said.  “We all agreed to it.  We all carried out his plan, even though we knew better than to trust him.  JC, we were wrong.  We’re sorry.  I was wrong.  I’m sorry.  I will, we all will, do anything we can to help you now.”

        “Tell me where he is,” JC demanded.

        “I don’t know where he is,” Brian said.  “But between the three of us, we stand a good chance of figuring it out.”

        “Then do it.”

        Brian turned to Nick.  “If you were Justin, where would you go?”

        “Me?” Nick asked.  “I’d find a nice mental hospital.”

        “Nick,” Brian said.  “Please.”

        “Yeah, okay.  I don’t know.  You know me, I always run to Kevin or something.  Justin, he’d probably run home to Mommy.  Or he’d go back to his favorite JC place and-”

        “Kevin,” JC said.  “Kevin, wasn’t that where Justin was supposed to stay?”

        “Yes, but he’s not there,” Brian said.  “We-”

        “Kevin,” JC said, heading for the front door.

        “What?” Nick asked.  “JC!”

        “I’ll get clothes, you get the car,” Brian said to Nick, running for the stairs as JC left the house.

        “What did I say?!” Nick demanded.

        Kevin’s hand tightened on his wrist.

        “Relax,” AJ said.  “I’m just going to check on Justin.”

        Kevin let go, but sat up.  “I’ll go.”

        “More sleep for me,” AJ said, burrowing in again.  A second later he was bolt upright.  “Jesus!”

        “Justin,” Kevin said, heading for the door.

        “What the hell is he doing?” AJ demanded, searching for his underwear.  Shit, it wasn’t even in this room.  He dragged the comforter off of the bed and wrapped it around himself, running after Kevin.  God, it sounded like Justin was being eviscerated.  He made it up the stairs and into the guest room in time to see Kevin shaking Justin awake.

        The horrible, blood-curdling screaming stopped.

        “JC!” Justin shouted, sitting up.  “JC!”

        “Justin,” Kevin said.  “Justin!  It’s me.  You’re here in my house.  JC’s not here.”

        “Were you having nightmares or being flayed alive?” AJ demanded, sitting on the foot of the bed.

        “JC,” Justin said, catching his breath.

        “Do you want us to call him?” Kevin asked.

        “No,” Justin said.  “No, no.”  Several deep breaths.  “I’ll do it.”

        “All right.  We’ll be downstairs,” Kevin said, rising and taking AJ’s hand, shepherding him from the room and closing the door.

        Justin rummaged under the covers and found his phone.

        Concerned, Howie got up and followed him, slipping into a robe.  Chris was at the sink, grumbling.  “Chris?” Howie asked.  “What are you doing?”

        “What does it look like I’m doing?” Chris asked.  “I’m washing my hands.”

        “Of course.”  Howie watched him.  “Very good soaping technique.”

        “I am washing my hands of them,” Chris said.  “I am through with them.  I am done.  Justin is running around there with no regard for anyone or anything but himself.  JC, at least, was safe - - but no!  He snuck out, took Joey’s car, and now he’s out there, too.”

        “JC’s probably looking for Justin,” Howie said.

        “And poor Joey is looking for JC,” Chris said.  “I’m not.  I’ve washed my hands.”  He turned to get a towel.

        Howie intercepted, stepping in, taking his wet hands.  “They’re your best friends.”

        “They’re freaking lunatics,” Chris said.

        “They’re lunatics who want to be together,” Howie said.  “JC’s only out there trying to find Justin.  I remember you chasing me down, and running out on JC to do it.  He’ll give the car back.  He’s just looking for Justin.”

        “I just got a call at a disgustingly early hour of the morning, waking me up out of my sleep, updating me on the latest development in the Mouseketeer drama of the day.  I don’t want to get that call.   I don’t want to have to wake up, get out of bed, and worry.  Especially when I can’t help them.”

        “I know you’re frustrated,” Howie said.

        “I’m tired of being the worried friend,” Chris said.  “I want to be the Dawson in this creek for once, and not the sidekick in the corner with no life of his own.”

        “You aren’t,” Howie said.  “You’re the star of the drama.”

        “The star,” Chris said, not believing.

        “It’s called Chris Kirkpatrick’s life,” Howie said.  “You’re the star.  I’m the very lucky love interest.  Justin is your self-centered best friend.”

        Howie’s gorgeous liquid eyes were extremely distracting.  So were his soft, full lips.  “You’re the love interest?”

        “Did you have someone else in mind?” Howie asked.  He stepped forward and his robe fell open.

        Chris picked his jaw up from the floor.  His hands came forward, fitting to Howie’s hips, then sliding down Howie’s naked thighs and up again, up over Howie’s bared chest, exploring the shocking glory of Howie’s naked body.  When he reached Howie’s shoulders, Howie’s hands cupped his ass, drawing him in, and Howie’s lips brushed over his in a soft, soft kiss.

        “I’ll take that,” Howie said, “as a no.”

        Chris couldn’t remember any of what they’d been talking about, but Howie seemed satisfied, and that was all that mattered.  He kissed Howie again, pulling Howie flush to his body.

        “Justin,” Brian said, following JC’s taillights.  “JC thinks he’s at Kevin’s.”

        “We could just call and ask, instead of taking off like idiots,” Nick said.  “Naked idiots.”

        “JC’s upset,” Brian said.  “I want to stay with him.”

        “Besides, if Justin were at Kevin’s, wouldn’t Kevin have, I don’t know, called somebody?” Nick demanded, pulling his shirt on over his head.

        “If JC thinks Justin is at Kevin’s, he must have a good reason for it,” Brian said.

        “Did the guy ranting at our front door seem like he had a good reason for anything?” Nick asked.  “Did he act like he knew what the hell ‘reason’ is?”

        “JC and Justin have a strong connection to each other,” Brian said.  “I trust JC’s instincts.”

        “Sure,” Nick said.  “It must be hard for them to play hide-and-go-seek.”

        Brian laughed.

        “We’re all a bunch of idiots,” Nick said.

        “Dressed idiots?” Brian asked.

        “Seems like it,” Nick said, checking.  “Got my shirt.  Got my pants.  Got…no footwear.”

        “Sorry,” Brian said.  “I was in a hurry.”

        “It’s okay,” Nick said.  “I think that when the three of us show up at Kevin’s door, completely psychotic at four a.m., that’ll be the last thing he complains about.”

        “Justin,” he said, grabbing it.  The second he put it to his ear, he heard, “-totally ridiculous, and I’m not putting up with it anymore.  I can’t live like this.  Do you hear me, JC, I said I can’t live like this.  This pain and this confusion and all of these things in my head, I can’t do this anymore.  You have to let me go.  I asked you for a divorce but you’re still doing it, you’re out there and I can feel you.  You have to stop it.  Just stop it, JC.  Stop it and let me go.  I can’t do this anymore!  I want my life back!  I want my own brain back!  You’ve corrupted everything!  I’ll never be able to-”

        JC jerked the wheel and hit the brakes, running off to the side of the road.  Behind him, Brian swerved quickly and then came around, pulling off and stopping in front of him.

        “Justin, shut up.”

        A stuttered breath, then silence.

        “I know where you are, and I’m coming to get you.  Stay there, because I am sick of running after you, and I don’t want to play these games.  Even if you run, I’ll only track you down.  You’re my mate, and you belong with me.  You belong to me.  Don’t ever forget that, and don’t ever think I’m not aware of it.”  JC unclenched his other hand from the steering wheel.  “We have things to talk about.  I’m going to tell you my side, and you’re going to tell me what you’ve been through, and we’re going to come to some kind of understanding.  We’re going to work this out, and if you threaten to leave me one more time, I will fuck you until you yell my name.  Maybe when you’re coming on yourself and begging me for more, you’ll remember that you can never, ever, leave me.”

        Shocked breath.

        “All of the pain you’re in right now, all of the insanity crawling through your brain, that’s not going to get better if you get away from me.  It’s there because you’re away from me.  It can only get worse, and you know that.  You can’t leave me, Justin.  So we’re going to sit down and talk about what we need to do to stay together.  Learning how to be good for each other is the only option we have, because leaving each other?  Right now?  We’d either end up in mental hospitals or dead in the grave, and I have too much going on in my life right now to abandon it all.  So you stay there, right where you are, until I come for you.”

        JC hung up and dropped the phone onto the passenger seat, steering back onto the road and hitting the gas.  Brian pulled into place behind him.

        What now?  He should go.  Get out before JC…

        …JC…

        Justin sat slowly on the foot of the bed, his hands clasped in his lap.

        JC had told him to stay where he was.

        He stayed, and waited.

        “It’s Joey,” Joey’s voice said.  “JC took off.  He’s probably trying to track down Justin.”

        “You’re calling me because I can do something about that?”

        “I thought-”

        “They’re grown men, not five-year-old children.  We don’t have a show tomorrow.  They can do whatever they want, wherever they want.”

        “I know you’re mad at me, but-”

        “I’m not mad at you!”  Lance grimaced.  “I’m not mad at you,” he said more calmly.

        “It’s hard to know how you’re going to be,” Joey said.  “Every time I talk to you, I get a different person.  When you left me and Justin and Nick at Terry’s house, you were acting like an ass, and then a few days later you called me twice in twenty-four hours, saying we should get together.”

        “You weren’t still mad at me,” Lance said.

        “I never stay mad at you,” Joey said.  “I’ll always let you back in, Lance.  You’ll always get a second chance on anything you do.  And I thought maybe you’d do the same for me.”

        “For what you did tonight.”

        “Yeah.  I’m sorry, Lance.”

        “You can’t pull that shit with me, Joey.  If you want to screw around, I might let you, but you can’t start something you aren’t going to finish.”

        “I know.  I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to do it.  It was an accident.”

        “Accident,” Lance repeated.  “All right.  You’re forgiven.  Now what were you trying to tell me about JC?”

        “He disappeared.  He’s probably looking for Justin.”

        “And you want me to do what?”

        “Let me know if you hear anything.”

        “Fine.  Is that all?”

        “Lance-”

        “I was busy when you called, and I’d like to get back to what I was doing.”

        “It’s after four in the morning.”

        “Aren’t you the one who says it’s never a bad time to screw?”

        “You’re fucking?”

        “Yes, Joey, I’m fucking.”

        “Who?”

        “That’s none of your business.”  Lance hung up.  Asshole.  Lance stormed back to the bedroom to wake up Len and fuck him until Joey was long forgotten.

        “I believed in JC, but I’m still shocked,” Brian said.  “He really did it.  He was right.”

        “Oh, shit.  Wait!”  Nick burst out of the car as JC stepped up to the front door.  “Ring the doorbell like a civilized person.”

        Brian hurried up to join them.  “The doorbell being rung at this hour of the morning will get Kevin here fast enough.  If you start pounding and shouting, he’ll be less inclined to let us in.”

        “Like this,” Nick said, and rang the doorbell.  “Hey, isn’t that AJ’s car?”

        Brian stared at it.  “Yes,” he finally said.

        “Fuck me,” Nick said, and broke into a wide grin.  “Hallelujah!”

        “Justin!” JC shouted.

        “No yelling,” Nick said.  “We can ring it a second time to piss him off, but that’s all.”

        He could hear the doorbell.

        JC was coming for him.

        There was a first shock of agony, the worst yet, enough to make him cry out.  And then, incredibly, he could feel the gaping wounds in his heart begin to mend.

        AJ, plastered over his chest and showing no inclination to move, said, “Next time, we’re sleeping at my house.”

        Kevin put his hands to AJ’s hips and gently lifted AJ off of himself, laying AJ to the side.  “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

        “You’d better be.  The number of times you’ve left this bed tonight is getting insulting.”

        Kevin kissed AJ’s stomach.

        “That’s better.”  AJ combed his fingers through Kevin’s hair.  “Now get rid of everybody.”

        Kevin kissed AJ’s pelvic bone and rose, finding his jeans and underwear.  He walked out to the front door and checked.  JC, Nick, and Brian.  He should have known that housing Justin would mean a visit by JC.  Kevin opened the door.  “What do you want?”

        “Let him in,” Nick said urgently.  “Just go ahead and let him in.”

        Seeing the fury in JC’s face, Kevin sensed the wisdom of Nick’s words and stepped aside.  The second JC stepped into the house he was running up the stairs.

        Kevin frowned.  “How does he know…  Never mind.”  He turned to Nick and Brian.  “Is your work here done?”

        “I want to stay and make sure they’re all right,” Brian said.

        “Is AJ here?” Nick asked.

        Kevin poked Nick in the chest.  “No smart comments.”

        Nick grinned broadly.  “Can I talk to him?”

        “No.”

        “Can we come in?” Brian asked reasonably.

        “You may come in,” Kevin said, allowing them entrance.  “Stay as long as you need to supervise JC and Justin, but be quiet.”

        “Are you and AJ a real couple now?” Nick asked.

        “Good night,” Kevin said, and left them.

        “Go Kevin, go Kevin, go, go, go Kevin,” Nick cheered.

        Kevin went back to his bedroom, closing the door and shedding clothes.  He slipped into bed, covering AJ’s body with his own, closing his eyes as the pure sensation of AJ washed through him.

        “Who was it?” AJ asked.

        “JC ran upstairs to Justin.  Brian and Nick are hanging around waiting for them.”

        “Oh, good.  Nick knows.  That’ll save us the trouble of telling anyone.”

        Kevin chuckled.

        “Touch my dick,” AJ said.

        Feeling a sudden rush of lust, Kevin slid his hand down between AJ’s thighs, cupping AJ’s penis in his hand.

        “Mmm…”  AJ rubbed back against Kevin slightly.

        Kevin moved his hand back to cup AJ’s balls.

        “Aaahhh…  That feels good,” AJ murmured.  “I like your hands.”

        “AJ,” Kevin said in a low voice.  “I want to make love to you.”

        “In the morning,” AJ said.

        “It’s morning now.”

        “Not in my book,” AJ said.

        Kevin nudged AJ’s thighs apart, bringing his knee up between them, urging AJ back against him.  His hand was still on AJ’s balls, gently massaging.  “All right.  Go to sleep.”

        AJ slid away, then turned and straddled Kevin’s thigh, his chest to Kevin’s chest, Kevin’s arm coming around his waist.  “You could blow me.”

        “Could I?” Kevin asked.  “Do you think I want to?”

        AJ rocked against Kevin’s thigh ever so slightly.  “I know you want to.”

        Kevin gently rolled them over until AJ was on his back, then slid down AJ’s torso, spreading AJ’s thighs.

        AJ groaned, closing his eyes and fisting his hand in the pillow behind his head.  “Mmnn...  God…  Kevin…”

        Justin stood, backing around the side of the bed.  “Don’t touch me.”

        “No more games.  No more limits.”

        “I said, don’t touch me,” Justin insisted.  “I won’t let you get to me.  You said we’re going to talk, so talk.”

        “All right,” JC said, stepping closer.  “You’re asking me not to touch you.  I won’t…touch you.”  Justin shuddered at the sound of JC’s voice dropping into a tone he only heard during sex.  JC leaned in, breathing him in, licking the air next to his skin.  “But we both know that I don’t have to.”

        Justin closed his eyes, feeling JC’s power roll him over in waves.

        “Don’t we?” JC whispered, right by his ear.

        Justin felt so naked, he was sure his clothes had dropped to the floor.  “Yes.”

        Just that quickly, JC was across the room, picking up Justin’s bags.  “We’re leaving here.  Joey has enough room for both of us.”

        Justin looked down and was surprised to find himself fully dressed.  He put his hand to his forehead, trying to recover, focusing on what JC had just said.  “I got the impression Joey didn’t want me to stay with him.”

        “Then we’ll stay with Chris, or someone who’ll take both of us.”

        “I thought you came to talk,” Justin said.

        “We’ll talk at Joey’s.  Come on.”

        Justin hesitated, but JC was walking out with his things.  Shit.  He ran after JC, following him quickly down the staircase.  They passed Brian and Nick in the foyer.  Brian asked where they were going; JC said, “Joey’s,” and left the house.

        In the driveway, Justin hesitated.

        “You drive your car,” JC said, and then stepped closer and looked at him with focused intensity.  “Follow me.  Follow me exactly.  The whole way to Joey’s.”

        Justin nodded.  “Yes, JC.”  When JC turned, Justin got in his car, started it up, and waited for JC.

        “We’ll have to let Joey take it from here,” Brian said.  “We have better things to focus on now.”

        Nick grinned.  “Like Drew?”

        Brian smiled back.  “Like Drew.”  They headed out for the car.

        “Can he stay in the room beside mine?” JC asked.

        “Sure,” Joey said.  “No problem.  You don’t want the same room?”

        “Not tonight,” JC said.  “Sorry I ran out on you.  I brought the car back.”

        “I knew you would,” Joey said.

        “We have some talking to do,” JC said.

        “Right, go ahead,” Joey said.  “I’ll try that whole sleep thing I’ve been missing out on.”  He squeezed Justin’s shoulder.  “It’s good to see you.”

        “We’ve been together for days on end now,” Justin said.  “I can’t think of the last day we weren’t together.”

        Joey grinned.  “Don’t you love it?”

        Justin almost laughed.

        Kevin tenderly kissed AJ’s hip.

        “Ah…”  AJ relaxed.

        “Did you like it?” Kevin asked, stroking inside AJ’s thigh.

        “Hell, yeah.”  AJ turned his leg to the side, giving Kevin’s hand more room.  Kevin stroked behind his balls and he groaned, sated but buzzing.

        “I still have permission to make love to you in the morning?” Kevin asked.

        “Yeah.”  AJ shifted restlessly as his body fought the arousal Kevin was creating.

        “Would that be morning, my time, or morning, your time?” Kevin asked, crawling up the bed to kiss AJ’s nipples.

        “My time,” AJ panted.  Kevin’s hips came to rest against his, and the hard length of Kevin’s erection made AJ moan and rock up against it.

         “Good night,” Kevin said, his voice low, kissing AJ’s cheek, “until then.”  He put his arm around AJ and closed his eyes.

        “I hate you,” AJ said.

        Kevin kissed his temple.  “Go to sleep.”

        JC sat on the other side, facing him.  “You cut your hair.”

        “Yeah.”

        “Thank you for saving the rest of it for me.”

        Justin nodded.

        “I love you, Justin.  I’ve missed you.  It’s been hell for me.  I’ve felt like our connection was broken, and that connection is like a lifeline for me.  But I’ve been forced to admit a few things about myself.  I need more from you than I’ve been getting.  I need respect, and I may even need space.  I need to give you space, I know that, there’s no question about that.  You have to be your own person, and I have to be my own person.  If we’re stronger as individuals, we’ll be even stronger when we come together.”

        Justin listened in silence.

        “For the past few years, all of our time together, everything I said to you was true.  Everything about how amazing and special you are, how beautiful and sexy you are, how important you are and how much I love you.  It’s all true.  But I pushed too hard and I demanded too much, and maybe you thought you had to meet standards I’d set impossibly high.  Justin, you meet those standards just by being you.  I never wanted you to try to improve on anything.  You are who you are, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted from you.”

        Justin put his hands in his lap.

        “We’re equals.  We’re in this together.  We have to keep it that way.  Be as good to me as I want to be to you.  That’s all it’s going to take.  We love each other too much not to be great for each other.  We just need to learn to express ourselves in healthier ways, and not encourage each other to be dependent.  We encourage each other too much.  That’s what has to stop.  When we start to go too far, we have to draw the line for each other.”  JC’s gaze travelled over Justin.  “What do you want to say to me?”

        “Don’t you ever leave me again.”

        “I didn’t, Justin.  I didn’t do it on my own.  They kept us from each other.  Do you understand that?  Do you understand that I wanted to come to you, but I couldn’t?”

        Justin took a deep breath and tried to answer.

        JC waited.

        “I don’t know,” Justin said.  “All of those promises you made to me…  I was sure you’d come for me.  You never came, and…  No, I don’t understand.  After everything you’ve said to me, how could you leave me there without you?”

        “I couldn’t come to you,” JC said.  “They wouldn’t let me.”

        “You didn’t try hard enough,” Justin accused.  “You couldn’t have.  My JC would have found a way.”

        “I’m not Bruce Willis,” JC said.  “They were our friends, and they said that it was for our own good.  I could have gotten out of there, yes, but do you know what it would have taken?  I didn’t know where you were, and to find out where you were, I would have had to force them to tell me.  I wasn’t willing to do what it would have taken.”

        Justin remembered the knife handle in his fist, Joey’s hand over his.  “I know.”

        “I couldn’t come to you.  I can’t always be perfect for you.  You’re going to have to learn that I’m as human as anyone else.”

        “What about me?” Justin asked.

        “Justin.  You’re as human as anyone else, too.  Joey, Chris, your second grade teacher, people on the street, you’re just like them.”

        “I’m not,” Justin said.  “I’m not, I-”

        “To me, you’re not.  In my eyes, you’re elevated.  But that’s only in my eyes.  It’s not real.  You have to learn that.”

        “What’s in your eyes is all that matters,” Justin said.  “I’m a god.”

        “You’re a man,” JC said.  “An ordinary man, married to an ordinary man.”

        “No,” Justin said.  “I’m not, you liar!”  He leapt to his feet, backing away.  “I’m a god!  You’re a god!  I am the most beautiful, the most talented, the most sexy, the most incredible person who has ever walked the planet and you know that!  You told me!”

        “Justin,” JC said, rising cautiously.  “That’s not true.  You seem that way, to me, but it’s not the cold hard truth.”

        “You’re a god,” Justin said.  “You’re my god.  You look at me and I can feel it, you say my name and it races through me, you touch me and it explodes in every cell in my body.  You’re all that ever existed, JC, you’re everything, you’re infinite.”

        “Look in the mirror.  Look in the mirror, and see yourself.  You’re a tired, hungry, scared human being.  You’re only a man.  You’re bald and there are bags under your eyes and your shirt’s buttoned wrong and your shoe is untied.  You’re only human, just like the rest of us.”

        “You’re lying, you’re lying!” Justin shouted.  “I won’t see what you see!  I’m a living, breathing miracle and you’re the god who created me!”

        “You’re a spoiled, selfish, petty, confused young man and you need to stop this!  I love you, Justin, and I spent a lot of time whispering pretty things in your ear, pretty things that I believed with all of my heart that were also exaggerations of the truth.  You took them as the whole truth, because I believed them so much you began to believe them, too.  But they’re not real.  They’re illusions.  They’re exaggerations and half-truths.  Let them go!”

        “You lied to me?” Justin whispered.  “You lied to me!  You lied to me!”  He grabbed a crystal statue from the shelf and threw it at JC’s head; JC jerked to the side just in time, and it shattered against the wall.  “You bastard!  You liar!  Get out!  Get out!” Justin shouted, throwing a heavy pewter vase.

        “I never meant to hurt you,” JC said.  “I lifted you up too high.  Maybe I did love you too much.  But I still love you, as much as I ever did.  We can get through this.”

        “Out!” Justin yelled.  “Out!”

        “I want to hold you,” JC said.  “Let me touch you.  It’s been too long.  My heart’s aching for the feel of you.”

        “You fucking traitor!  You liar!  Get out!”

        “I’ll be in the room right next door.  Come to see me.  We can figure this out.”  JC narrowly avoided the fat scented candle aimed at his head, and ducked out the door.

        Chris groaned and pulled his pillow over his face.

        “It’s all right,” Howie said.  “I’ll get it.”  He climbed over Chris and picked it up.  “Hello?”

        Chris peeked out from under the pillow.  It was dark, but from what he could see, Howie was looking damned good crouched over him.  And it was extremely sweet of Howie to want to give him a break from the super-zany antics of his self-absorbed overdramatic very dear friends.

        “That’s great,” Howie said, and he did sound pleased.  “I’ll tell Chris.  Thanks for letting us know.  Right.  Bye.”  He hung up.

        Chris lowered the pillow.  “Do I want to know?”

        “JC and Justin are safe and sound at Joey’s.”  Howie lay beside him again.  “For the moment, the wild and crazy JC and Justin show is over.  Chris Kirkpatrick’s life may resume its usual programming, with you squarely in the spotlight.”

        Beautiful, beautiful JC, his god, his infinity, had lied to him.  He would never trust again.  All of those words: lies.  All of those touches: lies.  Every look from those eyes: a lie.

        Justin hurled himself against the wall and beat it with his fists, screaming out his rage.  It wasn’t fair!  It wasn’t fucking fair!  He’d given his everything to JC, his all.  He’d loved JC completely and faithfully!  And this was what he got in return?  Lies and betrayal?

        “I trusted you!” he shouted, and grabbed the lamp that had fallen to the floor, yanking the plug from the socket, hurling the lamp to the wall.  “I believed in you!”  It wasn’t just JC; it was everyone, everything.  Joey betraying him; Lance molesting him; his confusion and his frustration and his pain.  He’d been isolated and manipulated; he’d lost his JC and his hair and his innocence and his trust and his self-respect and his faith.  He’d been dragged through hell, dropped into a black hole, drawn and quartered.  He’d been terrorized by the demons in his own mind.  All of that, he exorcised, tearing apart the room he was in as thoroughly as he himself had been psychologically demolished.

        JC sat just outside of Justin’s room in the hallway, his knees up, his head down.  With every crash and thud of violence, he jumped.

        He walked up the stairs with a slow tread, trying to formulate a plan of attack, and stopped short at the sight of JC sitting there tucked up on the hallway floor.

        “I’m sorry about this,” JC said quietly, raising his head.  “I’ll pay you for whatever he ruins.”

        “I’m not worried about the furniture, I’m worried about you guys,” Joey said.

        There was a particularly violent crash from Justin’s room.  JC jerked at the sound.  He looked ill.

        “Can I ask what’s happening?” Joey asked.

        “There are some things that Justin has to face,” JC said.

        Something was off, and Joey was trying to figure out what was wrong.  “Doesn’t Justin usually tear himself apart?  Or other people?  He doesn’t usually go after the décor, does he?”

        “I think it’s healthy that he’s not going after himself,” JC said.  “He wants to attack me, but he loves me too much.”

        “Justin’s doing something healthy?” Joey asked.  “Good for him.”

        Loud banging.

        “Has he looked into anger management?” Joey asked.

        He opened his eyes.

        He was spooned up behind AJ, who was fast asleep, for once at rest.  Kevin stroked one tattooed arm.  He would do anything to keep this.  Whatever it took.  He wasn’t going to be without AJ for another day.  Not after all of these years of waiting and wondering.

        Nick’s nostrils flared.

        “Nick.”

        Nick frowned.

        “Nick.”

        Nick swatted away Brian’s hand.

        “Nick.”

        “I’m sleeping,” Nick explained.

        “Drew’s coming home today.”

        “I’m awake.”  Nick sat up, grabbing Brian around the waist, throwing him down with his head at the foot of the bed, his knees up around Nick’s hips.  “Drew’s coming.”

        “Yes,” Brian agreed, laughing.

        “My Drew.  Our Drew.  He’ll be home.”

        “Yes.”

        “Did I ever tell you that I’m extremely in love with Drew?”

        “Extremely?” Brian asked.

        “Extremely,” Nick confirmed.

        “Drew?”

        “Drew,” Nick said.

        “Why?”

        “Why?” Nick demanded.  “Because he’s Drew!  Because he’s picky, bitchy, and obsessive-compulsive.  Because he’s funny and sarcastic and snarky.  Because he has abs to die for and a dick to cum for.  Because he’s nice and he’s giving and he has pretty eyes.  Because he’s allergic to sleeves and he lets me cuddle him up.”

        “Those are good reasons,” Brian said.

        “And I like his mouth.  And he’s not a bad dancer.  And his husband is so fucking hot.”

        Brian laughed.  “You think so?”

        “So fucking hot,” Nick repeated.  “I’d do that guy in a second.”

        “Can we do something about that right now, or should we save our orgasms for Drew?”

        “We should make today a Drewgasm day,” Nick said.  “All orgasms must be saved for Drew.”

        “Then let me up.”

        “For what?”

        “For a cold shower.”

        “I wanted to make out.”

        “Make out and not…go too far?”

        “We can control ourselves,” Nick said.

        Brian snorted.

        “Yeah, cold shower,” Nick said, getting up.

        AJ frowned, rolling onto his back, but didn’t waken.

        Kevin straddled AJ, on his hands and knees, examining his love.  Dark stubble.  Relaxed mouth.  Those disgustingly, deliciously thick, long, black lashes.

        Kevin crawled back a few inches and carefully pried away the sheet.

        His heart stopped.

        “Alex,” he whispered, the word falling from his lips in tribute.

        There wasn’t a word for AJ.  Beautiful?  Perfect?  Gorgeous?  Flawless?  Stunning?

        Shocking.  AJ was shocking.  Shockingly gorgeous.  Shockingly masculine.  Shockingly beautiful.  Shockingly unique.

        “What?” AJ asked.

        Kevin could only meet his eyes.

        “Later,” AJ muttered, pulling the sheet back up, rolling over, dismissing him and going back to sleep.

        Kevin watched him.

        “Unh,” Howie said, and pushed at the covers, exposing himself to mid-thigh.  “Is that you?”

        “Uh…yeah,” Chris said, staring at Howie’s arm, and Howie’s back, and Howie’s thigh, and most importantly Howie’s ass.  Good God, what was all of this beautiful-perfect sexual masculine glory doing in his bed?

        “If I ever shave my head like Justin, I hope you’ll still love me,” Howie said.

        “No problem,” Chris promised, silently wondering whether he’d get in trouble for grabbing Howie’s ass.

        “It’s been great around here since the aliens landed.”

        “Yeah,” Chris agreed, wondering whether - - “I’m sorry; what?”

        Quiet laughter.  “Just checking.  It’s nothing.”  Howie rolled over, facing him.  “Good morning.”

        “Good morning,” Chris said.  His hands itched to tug down the sheet that had twined itself around Howie’s waist.  Bad sheet.

        “What do you want to do today?” Howie asked.

        Chris blinked.  “There are choices?”

        “No shows, no appearances.  No JC, no Justin.  An entire day to do whatever you want,” Howie said.

        “I don’t know,” Chris said.  “I can’t handle this kind of freedom.”  He put his fingers to Howie’s naked chest and thought about it.  “We could help JC and Justin move into their new palace.  They might be busy with-”

        Howie took his hand.  “Try again.”

        “Oh.  Right.  This is my life, right?”

        “Exactly.”

        “This is a lot more difficult than it should be,” Chris said, frowning.  “Oh!  I know!  I know!”

        Howie smiled.  “What?”

        “We could start moving into our new house!”

        “Is that how you’d like today’s episode of the ‘The Chris Kirkpatrick Show’ to go?” Howie asked.

        “Yes,” Chris said.  “Unless you had other ideas?”

        “I have one small amendment to today’s schedule,” Howie said.

        “Anything,” Chris promised.  He jumped slightly when he felt Howie’s hand running over his thigh, under the sheet.  Then Howie’s hand was on his cock, and he heard himself make a shocked noise.

        “I’d like to insert a love scene into the morning’s programming,” Howie said, and nuzzled behind his ear.  “Is that all right?”

        “Hey,” Chris said breathlessly, “you insert whatever you want wherever you want it.”

        Howie laughed and kissed him.

        He heard a familiar ring.  He found his cell phone and checked the ID.  The number displayed was his own house.  “Hello?”

        “Bring me breakfast,” AJ said.

        “Get your lazy ass out of bed,” Kevin said.

        “If I get out of this bed, you won’t get to fuck me,” AJ said.

        “We’ll see,” Kevin said.

        “I’m getting up.  Last chance.”

        “Your food’s going to get cold.”

        AJ hung up on him.

        Kevin set aside the newspaper and waited.

        AJ strolled into the kitchen in last night’s jeans and undershirt.  “Food?”

        Kevin slid the plate across the table to him, then moved to get silverware.  “What are your plans for today?”

        “Plans?” AJ asked.  “Breakfast.  Go home.  Take a bath.  Change clothes.  Call Lance.  Find out what you’re doing, and make you include me.  Are there people here?”

        “No, they all left.”

        “Good.”

        Kevin set milk and orange juice in front of him.

        “You’re not going to start calling me funny names, are you?  I don’t do that angel baby lamb chop stuff.”

        “I can stick to AJ,” Kevin said.

        “And Alex,” AJ said.

        “If you want.”

        AJ nodded.

        “And snoogly bear.”

        AJ snorted.  “Try it.”

        Kevin laughed.

        JC stiffly pushed himself to his feet.  He touched the door as if examining the grain.  Finally, he lowered his hand to the doorknob, opening the door.

        The room was trashed.  Every last piece of furniture had been upended.  Glass littered the carpet.  The walls had been gouged.  Justin was barechested, asleep curled up on the floor in a nest of sheets and blankets he’d ripped from the bed.

        JC closed the door and walked a cautious path towards Justin.  Kneeling, he cleared himself a spot in the shadow of the upended bed frame, and lay down in front of Justin.  Gazing at his love, JC matched Justin’s breathing patterns until his eyelids grew heavy and sleep overcame him.

        Kevin came right up behind AJ, putting his hands on AJ’s hips, spinning AJ around to face him, backed up against the table.  He looked over AJ’s body, taking his time, deciding where to strike first.

        AJ put his hands back, giving Kevin a wary look.  “Kevin?”

        “It’s morning,” Kevin said, raising AJ’s shirt to expose his abdomen.  He’d always loved watching AJ’s hips roll, watching AJ’s abs flex.  Kevin let his fingers trail down over AJ’s stomach.

        “I’m out of bed,” AJ said.  “You missed your chance.”

        “No,” Kevin said, and unbuttoned AJ’s fly, his touch casual yet propietary, as though he had every right to do this.  He did.  AJ had granted him that right last night, and he wouldn’t pretend otherwise.  “I’ve already missed too many chances with you.”  He lowered the zipper.  “I won’t be missing any more.”

        AJ stared into Kevin’s eyes as he felt Kevin’s hands lowering his jeans and underwear to his knees.  “You fuck in the kitchen, Kevin?”

        Kevin lifted AJ onto the table.  He loved that word, “fuck,” in AJ’s mouth.  “I fuck you,” he said, and paused to press his lips to his favorite vein in AJ’s neck, “wherever I can get you.”  AJ’s jeans and underwear hit the floor.

        “You seem to have me,” AJ said, laying back, draping himself across the table, “right where you want me.”  His hand ran up his torso, raising his undershirt to reveal one nipple.  “Do you have the balls to take me?”

        AJ, spread out before him, nearly naked.  Taunting.  Inviting.  Dark fingernails against smooth skin.  Dusky red nipple begging for Kevin’s tongue.  The dark curls of pubic hair, drawing attention to AJ’s growing erection.

        Kevin could only admire with his eyes for so long before he had to adore more physically.  He gave in and leaned forward, bracing his hands on the tabletop, licking at AJ’s nipple.  “I don’t have to take you,” he said, and licked a slow, steady path down the center of AJ’s chest.  “I already own you.”

        AJ raised one knee, a dare, a challenge.  “Prove it.”

        Kevin finished licking around AJ’s 69 tattoo, then straightened, opening his jeans.  He reached for the first thing handy, the tub of softening butter, and scooped some out with his fingers.  Tucking it between two fingers, he pushed those two fingers into AJ, feeling and watching AJ’s body clench in response.  He held still, waiting.

        AJ breathed and relaxed, one hand gripping the edge of the table behind his head.  Kevin admired the tattooed muscle of AJ’s arm, slowly moving his fingers.  The butter was melting against the heat of AJ’s body, and he got a bit more, stretching and lubricating until AJ was groaning.

        Kevin loved to fuck AJ with his fingers, because it always made AJ tense.  He liked to watch AJ’s muscles flex, to watch AJ’s eyes close tightly, to hear AJ’s repressed groans of pleasure.  He wanted to linger for another minute or two, but the urge to get inside AJ and create a greater pleasure was pressing on him.  Kevin slid his fingers out of AJ and slicked up his erection, pulling AJ’s hips to the edge of the table.

        Nothing felt as good as being inside AJ’s body.  Thrusting in, Kevin groaned at the tight grip, feeling the walls close in around him.  AJ moaned, a wild dark sound that made Kevin’s next thrust a little harder.  AJ began to move, trying to rock up to meet Kevin’s thrusts, unsatisfied with holding still.

        “Come here,” Kevin said, his hands on AJ’s hips pulling AJ forward.  AJ’s legs wrapped around his waist; he drew AJ off of the table inch by inch, sinking to his knees.  Now AJ was closer to him, in his lap, against his chest.  He gazed into AJ’s eyes, steadily rocking AJ up and down, feeling the flex of AJ’s muscles under his hands.

        AJ looped his arms around Kevin’s neck, leaning in forehead to forehead, breathing open-mouthed, making sounds of ecstasy and exertion.  Kevin raised one hand, touching AJ’s cheek, stroking AJ’s parted lips.  AJ breathed harder, panting, moaning, rocking faster, faster.

        Kevin watched AJ’s eyes, AJ’s face.  He was captivated by the erotic curve of AJ’s lips, the sinful black of AJ’s lashes, the wicked heat created by the sound of AJ’s groans of pleasure.  There were dark things in AJ’s eyes, things like greed and pride and base carnality, shone forth most strongly when AJ was in the throes of sexual passion.

        Kevin turned and leaned AJ’s shoulders back against the cabinets, taking AJ’s hips in his hands, encouraging AJ’s rocking motion.  AJ’s head tilted back, eyes closed, as he fucked himself on Kevin’s dick.

        AJ’s unintelligible moans became words.  “Yes…  Yes…  God, Kevin, yes…  Fuck me…  Harder… Harder…  Kevin, yes…”

        Kevin fucked him harder.

        “Oh, god, yes, yes…  Oh…”  AJ fisted his hands in the front of Kevin’s shirt, groaning.  “Harder, fuck me… Harder…  I’m going to…”

        Kevin wanted to watch AJ go through orgasm.  He wanted to make AJ go through orgasm.

        AJ reached one hand over his head to the countertop for leverage, spreading his thighs, slamming his hips down, raising up too quickly and coming down again.  His head was back, his free hand splayed on Kevin’s chest.

        Kevin couldn’t take it.  He couldn’t watch AJ push this hard for orgasm without doing anything about it.  He wrapped his arm around AJ’s waist, turning him away from the cabinets and laying him down on the floor, angling deep and fucking him with powerful thrusts.  AJ cried out, spasming, and seconds later, his body contracted and his dick spurted long strands of cum onto his chest.  Moaning, AJ reached for Kevin and clawed at the front of Kevin’s shirt, pulling himself upright in Kevin’s lap again.  He kissed Kevin’s mouth, still moaning, stroking the sides of Kevin’s face, Kevin’s hair.

        Kevin held him tight and came inside him, groaning against the push of his tongue.

        Justin’s eyes opened, as if triggered by JC’s.

        “Justin?” JC asked.

        “JC?” Justin asked, as though not sure.

        The sound of Justin’s voice first thing in the morning, that slight roughness, made JC close his eyes to absorb the impact of having Justin back with him again.  So many things he’d been without...  “Did you hurt yourself?” JC asked, trying to recover.  “Are you all right?”

        “I’m fine,” Justin said, still sounding uncertain, looking at JC as though JC were a mirage.

        “Are you hungry?” he asked, struck again by how unhealthy Justin looked.  “Do you want something to eat?”

        “Yes.”  Justin seemed to be speaking on automatic, unaware of the actual conversation taking place, fully absorbed in gazing at JC’s face.

        “I want to know what you’ve been going through,” JC said.  “Tell me what you’ve been thinking about all of this time.  Tell me what’s happened to you.”

        “Nothing,” Justin said softly.  Shame stained his cheeks.

        “I know that there’s been a lot,” JC said.  “You used to be able to tell me everything.”

        “I...  I don’t want to...  Not now.  Let’s eat,” Justin said.

        It was an avoidance tactic, but JC didn’t want to push too hard.  “All right,” JC said.  “Come to the kitchen, and we’ll see what Joey has.”

        Kevin rubbed his thighs, then fastened his fly.  “I’m going to be feeling that later.”

        “Here’s a question I should have asked earlier,” AJ said.  “Why do you have lube stashed in your kitchen, straight man?”

        “I don’t,” Kevin said.

        AJ’s eyes narrowed.  “Then what did you just shove up my ass?”

        Kevin handed him the only thing left on the table.  “Butter.”

        AJ dropped it hastily.  “You freak.”

        “I wasn’t going to break the mood to go running for lube,” Kevin said.  “I may have to start distributing it around the house in easy-to-reach places.”

        “Don’t get ahead of yourself,” AJ said.  “No one said you could fuck me at will in any room of the house.”

        “It didn’t need to be said,” Kevin said.

        AJ ignored that.  “Rumor has it JC keeps it in his pocket.  I think Brian does, too.”

        “Do you plan to get laid as often as Justin and Nick do?” Kevin asked.

        AJ snorted.  “At least.”

        Kevin smiled.  “I was hoping you’d say that.”

        “You could eat something,” Justin said.

        “I’m not hungry,” JC said, paying attention to bend of Justin’s knuckles.

        “You’re losing weight,” Justin said.  “Eat.”

        The tone of voice struck JC’s ear; he rose and found a bagel.

        “Lance came so close to fucking me I don’t know why he didn’t go ahead and do it,” Justin said.  “Nick and I had a fight, and he won.  I almost pulled a knife on Joey.  I shaved my head.  I decided to divorce you.  My dick doesn’t work.  I decided, I was sure, that you didn’t love me at all anymore, until last night when you told me that you do.  But then I learned that everything you’ve ever said to me was a lie, so I don’t know anymore, all over again.  And you’re so beautiful, JC, it hurts to look at you, but looking away hurts more.”

        Lance.  JC held his anger; now might not be the best time.  He sat, wanting more information.  “Doesn’t work?  A knife?  Justin, tell me what happened.”

        Stirring the milk in the bottom of his bowl, embarrassed and ashamed and afraid, Justin recounted his recent experiences, from arriving at Terry’s house to tearing apart Joey’s guest room last night.

        JC slid to the edge of his chair.  “Justin.  I do love you.  I will always be in love with you.  I’m as much in love with you today as I ever was.  I don’t want you to doubt that, ever.”

        “Why should I believe anything you say?” Justin asked.

        “Because you know me,” JC said.  “Justin, look at me.  Listen to my voice.  You know it’s true.”

        Justin closed his eyes.

        “I’d like to hear you tell me that you love me,” JC said, reaching for Justin’s hand.

        Before JC could make contact, Justin whispered, “Please, don’t touch me.  I’m not ready.”

        JC pulled his hand back.  “I’m sorry.”

        “Yes, I love you,” Justin said, and opened his eyes, looking shattered and stronger at the same time.

        JC pressed his hand to his chest, gazing at Justin.  “Justin…  It means everything to me, to know that.  Thank you.”

        Justin pushed his bowl aside, leaning across the table towards JC, staring, fingers twitching as though he wanted to be touching something or, more likely, someone.

        “God,” JC said, gazing at his face.  “You’re as beautiful as you ever were.”

        Justin’s chest heaved with breath.

        “Justin?”

        “What?” Justin asked, reaching for JC before drawing his hand back, wanting, needing, torn.

        “Are you honestly worried that you’re impotent?”

        Justin jerked at the word, sitting back.  “It doesn’t work anymore,” he confessed, embarrassed, ashamed.

        “It has to be stress,” JC said, unable to think of his healthy, sexually active Justin in that way.

        “I can’t get hard,” Justin said.  He lowered his lashes and dropped his voice.  “I’m sorry, JC.”

        “Justin, no,” JC said quickly, horrified.  “You have nothing to apologize to me for.  It’s not permanent, it’s just stress.  You’ve been through so much lately.  And even if it is, it’s not your fault.”  He hesitated, but offered, “I could try to help you, if you would let me-”

        “No!” Justin said sharply.  “You’re not touching me.”

        “I don’t want this to hang in your thoughts.  It’s just another thing in your mind, tormenting you.  If we can get rid of it, won’t you feel better?”

        “No,” Justin said.  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

        JC fell silent.

        “I’m sorry, JC.  I didn’t mean to yell at you,” Justin said.

        “It’s all right, Justin,” JC said.  “You’ve had a lot to be upset about, lately.  I didn’t mean to push.”

        Justin nodded.

        JC was fascinated by the line of Justin’s eyebrows.

        Justin stood and took his bowl and spoon to the sink.  JC rose, too, and they walked to the front room.  Justin sat on the sofa, and JC sat on the sofa, too, keeping a polite cushion length of distance between them.

        “Everything’s different,” Justin said.

        “Like what?” JC asked, although he was acutely, painfully aware of several glaring differences and a million smaller ones.

        “You don’t call me ‘baby’ anymore.  You’re so far away all of the time.”

        “You don’t want to be touched.  I’m trying to respect your wishes,” JC said.

        “You’re still so far away…”

        Justin seemed truly distressed, so JC moved closer, as close as he could get without touching Justin.  He’d long ago mastered the art of being as close to Justin as possible, so they ended up intimately positioned, gazing into each other’s eyes, JC’s arm around Justin’s shoulders.

        “I didn’t know if I should call you ‘baby’ anymore,” JC admitted.  “It might be demeaning.”

        “I was proud to be your baby,” Justin said.  “You’ll always be mine.”

        “We were proud of a lot of things,” JC said.  “Not all of them were good for us.”

        “We can change,” Justin said.  “We can change whatever you want, JC.  Those things you said, I can give you respect, I can give you space.  I swear to you I can.”

        “It isn’t all about my needs,” JC said.  “You have needs, too.  Space.  Independence.  I understand that.”

        “It’s so hard,” Justin said.  “It feels like betraying all of the love you gave me before, to ask for that.”

        “It isn’t.  You’ve been asking for space for a long time now, and I was wrong not to give it to you.  That was my fault.  You have the right to your own identity.”

        “Some days I’m going to want freedom, but some days I might want to live for you, and a lot of the time it might be all in between.”

        “I know.  I’ll be the same way.  We can balance it.  Having independence doesn’t mean pushing each other away.  It means balancing.”

        “I’ve been so scared, JC.  Terrified of so many things.  And so confused.  Nothing made sense, it was all so jumbled in my head, and everything I thought I knew, wasn’t certain anymore.”

        “I know, baby, I know.”

        “Don’t ever leave me again.  I know you couldn’t help it, but don’t ever let this happen again.”

        “It won’t,” JC said.  “We won’t be separated like that again.  But no matter what, Justin, I really need you to know that I love you.  I don’t want you to doubt it again.”

        “You love me,” Justin whispered, gazing into JC’s eyes.

        “I love you,” JC said.

        “I love you,” Justin said.  “I love you, JC.  I was so scared, I didn’t know, I couldn’t read your letter.  I didn’t want to know what was in it.  I didn’t know if it was love or rejection or demands or accusations or sex, I didn’t know, I couldn’t face it.  You weren’t real to me anymore, you weren’t, and I didn’t want to make you real again, because I was barely hanging on as it was.”

        “Oh, Justin.”

        “I’m sorry, JC, I couldn’t.”

        “It’s okay,” JC said.  “Did you get rid of it?”

        “I tried.  I tried, but I couldn’t.  My brain kept shouting at me to burn it or rip it up, but my body wouldn’t do it.  I still have it.  It’s upstairs in my bag.”

        “I’d like you to read it,” JC said.  “When you’re ready.”

        “How did you feel while you were writing it?” Justin asked.

        “On fire,” JC said.  “It’s all of my passion, as much as I could fit on thirty-five pages.”

        “JC?”

        “Justin?” JC asked.

        “Will you please touch me?”

        Keeping his gaze locked with Justin’s, JC slowly, deliberately placed the heel of his palm to Justin’s naked back, to the side of the spine.

        Justin stopped breathing.

        JC flattened his palm across Justin’s spine.

        Justin gasped slightly, lips parting.

        Middle finger.

        “J…”

        Ring finger.

        “C…”

        Last finger.

        Another gasp; Justin’s lips trembled.

        Index finger.

        The blue of Justin’s eyes was as deep as Justin’s love for JC.

        Thumb, and the hand was complete.

        Justin threw himself against JC’s chest, wrapping his arms around JC, burying his face in JC’s neck, knocking throw pillows to the floor as he wrapped his legs around JC’s waist.  He shook in JC’s arms, devastated by JC and everything that JC meant and did to him.

        “Justin,” JC said, treasuring him, inhaling the scent of his skin, massaging his back, stroking his arms.  “Oh, baby, it’s going to be all right.  We’re together.  I’m right here, and we’re together again.”  There was no hair against his cheek; Justin’s curls were gone, and he was going to have to get used to that.  He ran his hand over the slight fuzz on Justin’s scalp, soft against his touch.  “I love you, Justin.  I love you.  It’s all right.  We’ll be all right.”

        “JC,” Justin whispered.  “Oh, god, JC, I needed you.”

        “I know, baby, I know.”  He kissed Justin’s temple.  No curls, just skin.  “I needed you, too.”

        “I’ll always need you,” Justin said.

        “I’ll always be there for you,” JC said.  “One way or another, even if it’s just you knowing how much I love you and how much I believe in you.”

        “You were my god,” Justin said.

        “I know, baby, I know.”  JC closed his eyes, running his hands over Justin’s back again, over Justin’s thighs, getting the feel of Justin under his hands again.

        “You don’t have to be,” Justin said.  “You’re already my best friend and my lover and my husband and my muse.  That can be enough.”

        “I love you, Justin.  We’ll get through this.  We’ll learn each step together.”

        “The whole time I was there, I didn’t understand it.  I didn’t know why I was there.  It didn’t make any sense.  I didn’t belong there, JC.  I belong here, with you.”

        “I know.  You belong with me, and I belong with you.  I felt that the whole time, that it didn’t make sense for you to be somewhere else.  I kept trying to reach out to you, but I never connected.  It terrified me, Justin.  I don’t ever want to feel that separated from you again.”

        “We’re connected,” Justin assured him.  “We’re linked, we’re connected.  Don’t you feel me, JC?  I can feel you.  It’s so good to feel you again.”

        “Don’t let go,” JC whispered.

        “Never,” Justin promised.  “Never.”

        Joey rose, looking embarrassed.  “Lance.”

        “You can’t be surprised to see me,” Lance said, reaching him.  “I live here.”

        “Yeah,” Joey said.  “I know,” he added, and looked away.

        “Are you okay?” Lance asked, unlocking his front door.

        “I wanted…”  Joey cleared his throat and met Lance’s eyes.  “I wanted to see you.”

        “About what?” Lance asked.  “Come on in,” he invited, walking into the house.

        “I miss you,” Joey said.  “We were on tour forever and then I spent all of that time with Justin, some of it alone with him, and he was out of control and I didn’t know what I was doing, and last night JC brought Justin back with him and Justin tore apart my guest room, and I really miss you, Lance.”

        “Wow,” Lance said.  “I’m right here.”

        “You’re not,” Joey said.  “You’re all over the place.  You’re moving in on Justin and you’re snorting coke and you’re spitting in my face and I just want you back.”

        “We’re still friends,” Lance said.

        “Because I love you, not because you’re being a decent friend.”

        “Hey, whatever works,” Lance said with a smile.  “I could use some food,” he said, taking a few steps towards the kitchen.  “I haven’t had anything to eat since-”

        Joey grabbed Lance arm and dragged him back.  “I’m not finished.”

        “What else do you want to say?” Lance asked.  “You don’t approve of the way I’m choosing to live my life.  I get that.”

        “I don’t know what to do with you anymore,” Joey said.

        “It’s not up to you,” Lance said, pulling his arm from Joey’s grasp.

        “I’m worried about you.”

        “Why?”

        “All of the moving in on Justin and doing coke things weren’t enough reason to worry?” Joey asked.

        “I talked to JC, and he told me where he stands, and I agreed to keep my hands off of his property.  The only person I’d like to move in on these days is Nick Carter.  I’m not using anymore; I told you that.  What are you so worried about?”

        “AJ’s back,” Joey admitted.

        Lance smiled.  “Yeah.  You should be worried about that.”