Copyright April 2, 2002-October 30, 2003 by Matthew Haldeman-Time

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Thus far we've had JC/Justin, Nick/Drew/Brian, Nick/Jeff, Nick/Drew/Brian/Nick/Jeff, AJ/Lance, AJ/Howie, AJ/Kevin, Chris/Howie, and partridge/pear tree.

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashwriters.

Wherein Drew won't go behind Brian's back, AJ can screw anybody he wants, and could JC be mellowing?

Notice: First, read "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," "Rest in Peace," "Destiny," and "Together." I know it sounds like a lot, but it'll only take you an hour or two.

        Chris furiously scribbled out what he’d last written.  The whole page was a series of crossed-out sentences.  “I’m going to call Justin.”

        “And you need a script to do that?”

        “Yes, or else I’ll lapse into honesty and tell him how I really feel.  The plan is to pretend I’m a concerned friend, so we can lull him into a false sense of security so he’ll wander back into our welcoming arms.”

        “Does anyone know where he is?”

        “No,” Chris said.  “I could try that angle, express concern over his whereabouts, offer him asylum here.”

        “He could stay here,” Howie said.  “We have room.”

        “He’s not going to take us up on our offer,” Chris said.

        “Why not?  He doesn’t have anywhere to stay.”

        “Hotels.  His loving mother.  Various friends.”

        “You’re worried about him,” Howie said.

        “Fuck him,” Chris said.  “Ungrateful bastard.  If anyone loved you half as much as JC loves Justin, would you break his heart and walk away from it?”

        “No,” Howie said, covering Chris’s hand with his own on the table.  “I would never spurn a generous heart.”

        Chris coughed, touched and embarrassed.  “Well.  Then.  Those might make good lyrics.”

        Howie smiled.

        “If you like that kind of sap.”

        Howie, still smiling, kicked him under the table.

        Chris laughed.

        He didn’t know where he was going.  He wasn’t going anywhere.  He had no destination in mind, because he didn’t want to commit to anything.  He could go to Tennessee.  He could hang out at Rick’s or Dave’s or Jeremy’s.  He could go to a club and go home with the woman of his choice.  He could get a hotel room.

        None of that seemed right.  It all felt so vaguely, strongly wrong…

        He had to do something.  He couldn’t drive around town indefinitely.  He refused to be caught by the police sleeping in his car.  But where could he go?

        Alone.  Lost.  Empty.

        Finished pumping gas, he tugged the baseball cap more firmly into place, then scrunched down in his hooded sweatshirt and went into the gas station’s mini-mart.  He bought soda, chips, juice, and pre-packaged sandwiches, then went back to the car.

        He forced himself to start the car and drive out of the lot.  He tried to calm the gnawing hunger by eating, but the hunger had nothing to do with food, and he knew it.

        He had to do something.

        “No,” Lance said.  “Do you want to touch anything?”

        Joey realized that his other hand was still on that bare patch of skin on Lance’s lower back.  He made himself put that hand on the couch, instead.

        Lance chuckled.

        Joey cleared his throat.  “Do you want something to eat?”

        Lance’s hand settled on Joey’s stomach.  “Not particularly.”

        Heat prickled under Lance’s hand.  Joey breathed carefully, trying to decide what to do.  To his horror, he felt his cock begin to stiffen.

        Lance’s hand slid down a few inches.

        “I should go check on JC,” Joey said quickly.

        “You can stop me any time you want to,” Lance said softly, and unbuttoned the top of Joey’s fly.

        Thank God.  “Stop,” Joey said.

        “Your body wants it,” Lance said, tugging down the zipper.

        “I don’t want it,” Joey said.

        “Then stop me,” Lance said, and lowered his head to Joey’s lap, putting his mouth to the bulge of Joey’s hard-on through Joey’s underwear.

        Joey, shocked and incredibly turned on, stared down at the back of Lance’s head.  He hadn’t expected, he’d thought, maybe Lance’s hand, but not this, not Lance’s mouth!  He could feel the wet heat of it through his underwear, and it only made his dick that much harder.

        He couldn’t, it was Lance, he couldn’t, he couldn’t use Lance.  He put his hands to Lance’s shoulders and pushed.

        Lance went down, landing on the carpeted floor in the space between the couch and the coffee table.  He cursed and rubbed his elbow.

        “Shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to,” Joey said, on the floor on his knees, reaching for Lance’s arm.  “Are you okay?”

        Lance leaned back against the edge of the table.  “I’m fine.”

        “I’m sorry,” Joey said, feeling like shit.

        “You should be,” Lance said.

        “I can’t…do that,” Joey said.  “With you.”

        “Why not?” Lance asked.  “You don’t like blowjobs?”

        “I love you,” Joey said.

        There was that “I must be the only person who ever makes sense” look.

        “I love you too much,” Joey explained.

        Lance frowned.  “What?”

        “We’ve been friends since we met,” Joey said.  “Best friends.  I love all of the guys, but I’ve always loved you differently.  I want you to do well, I want you to do your best, I-”

        “We’re friends,” Lance said.

        “I love you,” Joey said.

        “I love you, too, Joey,” Lance said.

        “Too much,” Joey said, cupping Lance’s chin in one hand.  “I love you too much,” he said, leaning in and kissing Lance’s lips.  Slow, light kisses.  Joey began to get lost in the kiss, in the fantasy.  He loved Lance, he admired and respected and adored Lance.  He-

        Soft touch of Lance’s tongue against his lips.

        Joey jerked back.

        Lance looked grim and pissed.

        “I’m sorry,” Joey said.  “I shouldn’t-”

        “I get it,” Lance said.  “It’s okay, I get it.”  He stood.  “I’ll see you later.”

        “Lance,” Joey said.

        “Forget it.”  Lance was walking out of the room.

        “Fuck it,” Joey said, scrambling to his feet.  “Lance.  Lance!”

        The front door slammed.

        “Shit!”

        “Hey, it’s Chris.  I barely got to see you today.  Call me.”

        He looked down.  His chest had been ripped open; he could see the glistening muscle of his heart.

        He looked up.  Justin smiled at him.  “Better you than me,” Justin said, and wrenched his heart out of his chest.

        JC wakened, panicked.  He put his hand to his chest; he was intact, but could feel the pounding of his heart.

        No more sleep.  JC got out of bed.

        He leaned over to the side and vomited his convenience store dinner onto the asphalt.

        He wondered if Kevin knew he was in town.  Probably.  Someone would have said something.  Or, all of those calls last night, he’d made them from Nick and Brian’s phone, so the caller ID would have tipped Kevin off.

        Kevin knew he was back, and wasn’t trying to see him.

        AJ’s phone rang.  “Hello?”

        “I need to get laid.”

        “Mmm, James.”  A slow smile crept across AJ’s face.  “Me, too.”

        “He kissed me.  He kissed me!  I might have let it go, but he kissed me, and I mistook it for an invitation, so I kissed him back.  He pulled away like I’d set his dick on fire.”

        “He kissed you?” AJ asked.

        “He was talking about loving me.  Not being in love with me, but loving me.  Loving me too much.”

        “Too much?” AJ asked.

        “I think he was trying to explain, but all he did was ramble.”  Frustrated sigh.  “Where are you?”

        “Out.  Do you want to meet up somewhere?”

        “I don’t know,” Lance said.  “I want to get laid, and you said we’re not fucking.”

        “We could hang out.”

        “No, I think I’ll go out.”

        “Not by yourself,” AJ said.

        “Come with me.”

        “We’ll end up fucking.  Go home.”

        “Alone?”

        AJ sighed.  He knew that the prospect sucked.  He didn’t want to go home alone, either.  “You have other friends.  Friends who aren’t into coke who would let you fuck them.”

        “I could call Len,” Lance said.  “What about you?”

        “I think I’m going to put my balls back on and visit Kevin.”

        “Good luck.”

        “Good night.”

        “Bye.”

        AJ hung up and circled the block one more time.

        “Justin, it’s Joey.  Just wondering where you’re staying, if we want to get in touch.  Let me know.”

        “Hi, this is Brian.  Call me when you get a chance.”

        “Hey, it’s Chris.  I barely got to see you today.  Call me.”

        “Justin, this is Kevin.  Brian called to tell me you’re not coming over, but with your old place cleaned out and your new place not ready, I don’t know if you have a place to stay.  I don’t have much, but it’s clean, and the food’s not bad.”

        Kevin had walked out on him.  Walked out on him.  That bastard.  No one had ever shown such blatant disrespect for him.  No one fucked him and walked out, no one.

        He couldn’t stay angry.  Hurt, he was hurt, but when he tried to cling to the anger, it faded.  Desperation crept in.  Kevin had walked out on him, and he didn’t know what that meant.

        He rang the bell.

        The door opened.  Kevin rested against the doorjamb, arms folded over his chest, barefoot in jeans and a white T-shirt.  “AJ.”

        “Kevin.”

        “You’re back.”

        “I’m back.”

        Expressionless, Kevin waited.

        “Am I interrupting anything?”

        “No.”

        “May I come in?”

        “For what?”

        AJ considered and rejected several answers before deciding on, “To talk.”

        “What do we have to talk about?”

        Screw this.  “Let me in.”

        Kevin smiled and stepped aside.  “Come on in.”

        “Another letter?” Joey asked.

        “Hey,” JC said, looking up.  “No, it’s a song.”

        “I thought you were sleeping.”

        “Nightmares,” JC said.  “Joey, have you ever been in love?”

        Joey shrugged.  “Not really.”

        “Are you happy?”

        “Are you kidding?  I have a great life.  I’m very happy.”

        “You can live a full, happy life without being in love,” JC said.

        “I’m doing it,” Joey said.  “Why?”

        “I don’t know what I’m going to do without Justin.”

        Joey straddled the other chair backwards.  “You’re not going to be without Justin.  This is temporary.  It’s not even real.  I honestly don’t think his head is very clear right now.  Justin’s confused and…lost.  He’s lost.  He’s going to come back to you.”

        JC listened closely, one hand pulling the bottle of hair into his lap.

        “That’s living without Justin, not living without being in love,” Joey said.  “You’re in love.  You always will be.”

        “I’m afraid,” JC said.

        “You’re keeping it together really well,” Joey said.

        JC’s voice softened.  “I think I’m going dead inside.  I’m feeling less and less.  There’s too much pain for me to bear, so I’m shutting down inside.”

        “JC,” Joey said.  “Don’t do that.  You feel so much, and you love so much…”

        “He’s gone,” JC said.  “He’s gone and he doesn’t want to come back.  That’s never happened before.”

        “He wants to come back,” Joey said.  “We both know how much Justin loves you.  I think he feels abandoned.  Betrayed.  By all of us, and by you.  He wants to be with you, JC.  There’s nowhere Justin would rather be.  You know that.”

        JC leaned forward.  “Yes.  You’re right.  I’ve been so disconnected from him that I…  I have to talk to him.”

        “We don’t know where he is,” Joey said.

        “We have to find him!” JC insisted.

        “We’ll call people.  We’ll call everyone.  He’s going to be in contact with someone, tonight or tomorrow.”

        “I hate to think of him being alone right now,” JC said.  “It’s not right.  I don’t want Justin ever to be alone.”

        “I know,” Joey said.  “We’ll get him back.”  He patted JC’s arm.  “Do you want me to start calling?”

        “Yes,” JC said.  “Now.”

        “You think he’s serious about stopping?” Kevin asked from the other chair.

        “Yes,” AJ said.  “Lance likes to be in control of himself.  He likes to have his head clear.  He and I talked a lot today.  I think he’s feeling more centered than he has been for a long time.  I am, too.”

        “Do you think you’ll get back together?” Kevin asked.

        “No.  We needed to connect again, to sort through things.  We couldn’t balance out what we’ve been going through until we’d found some kind of resolution together.  But we’ve talked, and…  We want to be friends.  We’re going to be friends.  But we’re not going to be together again.  There’s someone he wants to be with, and I’m in love with you.”

        Kevin leaned forward.

        “You knew that the flowers were from me,” AJ said.

        “Yes.”

        “And the phone calls.”

        “Yes.”

        AJ swung his feet to the floor, coming forward to sit on the ottoman, directly before Kevin.  “You’re going to have to start trusting me,” AJ said.

        “I can’t,” Kevin said.  “There’s been too much.”

        “You’ve been waiting for too long,” AJ said.  “For years, you’ve been waiting for me to come to you.  I’ve come to you, Kevin.  I’m here.”  He put his hands on Kevin’s thighs.  “Right here.”

        “If you’re not ready - - I can’t go through it again,” Kevin said.  “I won’t do that to myself.”

        “I am ready,” AJ said.  “You know me.  You see right through me.  You know I’m ready.”  He looked at Kevin more closely.  “What is it?  What’s holding you back?  Is it Molly?”

        “No,” Kevin said.  “No, she’s gone.  After being with you again, I couldn’t.  It wasn’t fair to her.”

        “Then come on,” AJ said, leaning forward with every indication that he was willing to launch himself across the inches separating them.  His eyes were dark and fierce.  “You’ve been waiting for me for a lifetime.  I’ve come to you.  I’m here.  Fucking take me.”

        Kevin’s muscular frame was tense with wanting.  “No.”  He held AJ with his sharp gaze.  “If you’re going to come to me, then come to me.”

        The panther’s tail twitched at the challenge.  AJ was on Kevin within the instant, crawling and climbing, clutching and clawing, fighting for dominance of the kiss while laying Kevin’s body bare.  Together, they knocked the ottoman out to the side and made the floor their home, making use of the greater space.  Once Kevin was naked, AJ tore at his own clothes without patience until Kevin took over for him, stripping him with fast, sure hands.

        Joey hung up, crossed off a name, and dialed.

        “I want to call him,” JC said.

        Joey stopped in mid-dial.

        “Let me try,” JC said.  “Maybe he’ll answer.  Maybe, maybe he won’t,” he admitted.  “I have to try.  I have to make the effort.”

        Joey nodded.  “Go ahead.”

        JC paused with phone in hand.

        Joey worried about him.

        “I don’t know what to say,” JC said, and when he looked up from the phone, his eyes were wounded.  “I don’t know what to say to Justin.  I always know what to say to him.”

        “It’s okay,” Joey said, putting his arm around JC for comfort.  “He’s not himself right now, and he’s saying crazy things.  You’ve never had to talk to him when he’s like this.  Give it a try.  Say anything.  Ask him whether he has any clean socks.”

        “He does,” JC said, and sniffed.  “I packed them for him.”

        “Well, that was thoughtful,” Joey said.

        JC took a cleansing breath, looking at the phone.

        “Let me guess.  Justin’s speed dial one,” Joey said.

        JC shook his head.  “No.  You are.  I never put him in the speed dial.  I never,” he smiled, “I never had to call Justin.”

        Joey laughed.

        “I did memorize the number,” JC offered.

        “You memorized a number you never had to dial?” Joey asked.

        “It’s Justin’s number,” JC explained.  Joey was shaking his head in disbelief.  “I’m number one on his speed dial, though.  And our apartment was number two.”

        “Justin bumped his mother to third place?” Joey asked.  “Damn, he really does love you.”

        Justin’s hand hovered over the phone.  He could answer.  He could answer and listen.  Just listen.  JC’s voice…

        He closed his eyes, caressing the keypad.

        JC might leave a message.  A message he could listen to in his own time, a message he wouldn’t have to answer.  A message he could delete without ever hearing, if he chose.

        It might not be JC at all.  It could be anyone else.  It might even be a wrong number.  How could he assume that it would be JC?

        The phone was still, and silent.

        It didn’t ring again.

        AJ, disagreeing, ground his hips against Kevin’s, groaning aloud.  “Right here.”

        “I want to have you in my bed,” Kevin said, running his hand down AJ’s muscular arm.

        “You can have me wherever you want,” AJ said, gripping the back of Kevin’s strong thigh as their bodies rocked together, “just fucking do it.”

        Nick toyed with Brian’s hair.

        Brian was relaxed under Nick’s touch.

        “I can’t wait to see Drew,” Nick said.

        “Tomorrow,” Brian said.

        Nick ran his fingers down Brian’s cheek, then along the underside of Brian’s jaw.

        “I miss him,” Brian said softly.

        Nick stroked Brian’s sideburns.

        “It’s been too long since we’ve been together,” Brian said.  “Really together.  One night, it was incredible, joining again, but it was too short.  Fleeting.  A moment.”

        Nick understood.

        “I can’t wait for us to be together,” Brian said.  “I’m with you every day, and you’re precious to me.  I miss Drew every day, and his absence makes him precious to me.”

        Nick toyed with Brian’s hair.

        “Nick?”

        Nick’s thumb rubbed across Brian’s hairline.

        “Sometimes missing Drew makes me feel like I’m falling apart, and being with you is the only thing holding me together.”

        Nick breathed gently.  “Me, too.”

        JC had called.

        How did he think he knew that?  That was ridiculous bullshit.  Like JC saying, “Justin?” every time he called.  There were probably dozens of times that JC said, “Justin?” and it wasn’t him at all, but JC would never admit that, not to him.  JC shaped and adapted reality in certain ways, and whatever didn’t fit into JC’s perfect scheme of life, simply didn’t exist.

        Lies.  Deceit.  Manipulation.

        That was the JC he should be remembering.  Not the one who whispered, “Thank you, baby,” after a simple kiss.  Not the one who believed he could do anything and acted like he was God’s gift to the world.  No, no, not that JC.  He should remember the JC who got that fucking tattoo.

        That tattoo.  Not JC healing his heart, no, JC catching his blood.  Rejoicing in his pain.  Glorying in his pain, revelling in it.  And that made sense, didn’t it, because JC had been the one who’d caused the pain in the first place.  The tattoo didn’t show that JC’s hands had been the very ones to rip and damage his heart.

        But hadn’t he been the one to make JC get that tattoo?  Hadn’t he been the one to design it?

        Justin pressed his fists to his forehead.  Nothing made sense anymore.  Nothing was right.  Everything was wrong and confusing and painful.  There was no solace anymore.

        He couldn’t listen to JC’s message.  He couldn’t.  He didn’t want to know what JC had to say to him.  It would only make the pain worse, and he didn’t think he could bear that.

        Kissing, tongue-sucking, tongue-fucking, pushing pulling humping rolling.  AJ reached back, grabbing up handfuls of pillows, while Kevin pushed his knees to his chest and thrust inside in long, deep strokes.  Fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, deep and unbearable, until the pistoning fullness was gone and Kevin rolled them over, kissing him and stroking him and making love to him in yet another way.

        “Hi, Nick.”

        Instant happiness.  “Drew!  How was your show?”

        “Great.  It was a great night.  We hit everything.”

        “How are you feeling?  Now that the last show’s over and everything.”  Brian was scratching at his back; he rolled over to face Brian again, making his “What?” face.

        “I’m thinking about coming home,” Drew said.  “I won’t be thinking about missing the tour until a few days from now.”

        “I can’t wait for you to get here.  You can go ahead and unzip your fly while the plane’s landing, because the second I see you, I’m going to start sucking your dick.”  Nick pinched Brian to shut him up, but Brian was trying to signal something.

        Drew laughed.  “That might be illegal.”

        “I can’t wait to see you again.  I’ve missed you!  I want to look at you.”

        “I look the same as I always do,” Drew said.

        “You’re not in love with you,” Nick said.  “I see things you don’t see.”

        “I’ll be home tomorrow, and you can look at me all you want.”

        Nick smiled.  “I think I will.  Okay, hold on for two seconds, because-”  He was cut off when Brian’s hand came over his mouth.  Brian took the phone from him.  “What?!”

        “I didn’t tell Drew I’m here,” Brian whispered.  “I want to surprise him.”

        “Duh,” Nick said.  “Give me my Drew back.”

        Brian looked confused.  “You-”

        “Drew thinks you’re off with Justin and Joey, so when he comes home and gets to see both of us at the same time, he’ll be excited about it.  Right.  Phone?”

        “Did we discuss this?” Brian asked, still confused.

        “Did we need to?”

        Brian laughed, then kissed him and handed over the phone.

        Pixie.  Nick rolled his eyes.  “I’m back,” he told Drew.

        “How’s everything going with JC?”

        “You know Justin can be pushy and demanding, and if JC wants to survive, he’s going to have to learn to stand up for himself.  That’s what he’s working on now.  Putting his foot down and making the point that Justin needs to respect him.”

        “They must be going through hell, being separated like this,” Drew said.

        Careful breath.  Time to lie to Drew.  Or, at least, time to be less than truthful with Drew, for a good cause.  “I think it’s messing with their heads,” Nick said.  “We’re thinking Justin isn’t capable of making good decisions anymore.”

        “Justin’s really that affected?”

        “If he had any sense, he wouldn’t be demanding a divorce,” Nick said.  “He’s talking about lawyers and everything.”

        “Does JC know?”

        “I wouldn’t want to be the one to tell him,” Nick said.  That was true.  It was exactly why he hadn’t said anything to JC.

        “I can’t imagine how the idea of Justin wanting a divorce would affect him.”

        “Justin’s…  It’s hard to know when he’s serious and when he’s acting like a jackass.  If I thought he really wanted to get out of his marriage for the right reasons, maybe I’d support him.  Hell.  JC and Justin and their problems are taking up all of the space in my brain,” Nick said.  “When you come home, we can’t talk about them.  We’ll just have sex and talk about Brian.”

        “I don’t mind talking about Brian,” Drew said.

        “I love talking about Brian,” Nick said.  “Where should we start?”

        “Did you ever wonder what it’s like to be him?”

        “What it’s like to be Brian?” Nick repeated.  He watched his fingers stroke across Brian’s shoulder while he thought about it.

        “It’s probably hard to be Brian,” Drew said.  “I know it’s hard on him.  But it looks…nice.  Easier.”

        “Easier than being you?” Nick asked.  “How hard is it to be you?”

        “Not that hard, I guess,” Drew admitted, and Nick could hear his smile.  “I do okay.”

        “If I were Brian, I’d follow you around on my hands and knees, waiting for you to hold still so I could suck your dick.”

        “You could do that anyway,” Drew said.  “I wouldn’t mind.”

        “I think, if I were Brian, I’d look at myself a lot.  In the mirror.”

        “You should do that now.”

        “There’s nothing to look at now.  Brian has all of those…cheekbones and things.”  Nick gazed into Brian’s eyes.  “He’s so beautiful.  I’d stare at myself all day.”

        Brian gently kissed his lips, lashes falling then rising, and whispered, at the same time Drew said it in his ear, “You’re beautiful.”

        “What about you?” Nick asked Drew.  “If you were Brian for a day, what would you do?”

        “Spend all day with you,” Drew said.

        Nick smiled.  “Sappy Drew.”

        “That’s the best way I can think of to experience what it’s like to be him,” Drew said.  “Besides, I love the way you two are together.  I’d like to be on his side of that, receiving all of that love and devotion.”

        “You do receive all of my love and devotion,” Nick said.

        “I know,” Drew said.  “But I would like to be Brian for a day.”

        “So what if you were me for a day?” Nick asked.  “What would you do?”

        “Honestly?” Drew asked.  “No offense?”

        “What?”

        “Masturbate.”

        Nick laughed.  “Hell.  All right.  Really?”

        “Yes,” Drew said.  “I love your body.  I can’t imagine what it’s like for you, to own it, to live inside it.”

        “Wow,” Nick said.  “Okay.  Now ask me.”

        “What would you do if you were me for a day?” Drew asked.

        “Get a nose job.”

        “Okay, I love you, good-bye.”  Drew hung up on him.

        Nick laughed.  “It was worth it,” he decided, and hung up, stretching.  “I can’t wait for him to come home.”

        Brian pulled him closer, kissing his mouth, running slow fingers through his hair.  Nick put his arm around Brian’s waist, holding Brian close, sharing slow, tender kisses.

        Brian’s cell phone rang.

        “Mmm, Drew,” Nick said, sliding his thigh between Brian’s legs.

        Brian rolled them over until they reached the edge of the bed, then broke away, climbing off of Nick and finding his phone.  “Hello?” he said, sitting on the foot of the bed.

        Nick crawled up behind him.

        “Did you?” Brian asked.

        Nick kissed Brian’s shoulder.

        “How did everything go today?” Brian asked, reaching back and running his fingers through Nick’s hair, stroking Nick’s scalp.  Nick kissed his neck and he closed his eyes, tipping his head back.  “Really?”  Brian tried to laugh; Nick’s fingers passed lightly over his voicebox, tongue tracing patterns over the beat of Brian’s pulse.

        “I want to fuck you,” Nick whispered against Brian’s skin.

        “Fans never do that for us,” Brian said to Drew.

        “Let me fuck you,” Nick breathed, and his palms slid down over Brian’s chest.  “Right now.”

        “So how was, um, did…  Oh, right.  Yeah.  All day?”

        “I never get to fuck you anymore, I haven’t done it, but I remember how it feels,” Nick whispered.  He shifted to the side, lowering Brian back to the mattress.  “Mmm…”  Nick leaned in, licking over Brian’s nipple.

        Brian shivered.  “Then he’s all right?”

        On his hands and knees, Nick crawled over Brian until he could kiss Brian’s stomach.  He licked over Brian’s erection, tasting pre-cum on his tongue.

        “No, he’s fine,” Brian said.  “He’s a little - - oh, hold on for a second, I’ll be right back.”  Brian lowered the phone.  “Nick, please.”

        Nick carefully, carefully lowered his hips until the sensitive head of his cock brushed Brian’s lips.  “Lick it for me.”

        Brian licked it, closing his eyes, sucking eagerly at the head as Nick pressed the advantage.  When Nick moved away, lifting up and sitting back, Brian panted, opening his eyes, licking his lips.

        “Drew,” Nick reminded him.  “Roll over.”

        Brian grabbed the phone.  “Drew.  Sorry.  Oh, he’s fine.  I don’t know, he’s saying a lot of things, but I don’t think he knows what he wants anymore.”  He slid back on the bed and rolled onto his stomach, propping himself up on his elbows.  “He’s confused.  I can’t blame him.  His world was very well-defined, and it all centered around JC.  Remove the center, and everything collapsed.  The sky crashed right down on him.”

        Nick spread Brian’s thighs, kissing his spine, reaching for the lube.

        “I don’t know,” Brian said.  “You’d never let yourself get like that.  I couldn’t let anything collapse, because I’m too worried about holding everything up.  And Nick, he’s too based in reality.”

        Nick urged Brian up onto his knees.

        “I think the two of you anchor my flights of fancy,” Brian said.

        Nick’s wet fingertip circled outside Brian’s asshole.

        Brian laughed, but his laugh wavered.

        Nick’s finger pushed in.

        Brian’s mouth opened; his eyes closed.

        Nick found Brian’s prostate.

        Brian coughed.  “Right.”  He leaned forward, resting his forehead against the pillows, getting his free hand around his erection.  “Did you tell him?”  He bit his lower lip, jacking his cock.

        Nick withdrew his finger, rubbing lube over his dick.  He pulled Brian’s hips into position.

        Brian’s breathing was forcibly controlled.  “How many?”

        Nick slowly pushed his dick inside Brian, as far as he could go.

        Brian coughed.

        Nick covered Brian’s back, rolling his hips in slow motion.

        “Right,” Brian said, rocking back against Nick in tiny increments.  “Right.  Uh-huh.”

        Nick dropped into a steady rhythm.

        “Uh-huh.  Yes.  Yes.  Yes.”  Brian panted softly.

        Nick cursed between clenched teeth, fucking a little faster.

        “You know I can’t…wait to see you,” Brian said.  “I can’t…wait…”

        Nick kissed the back of Brian’s neck.

        “Drew…”

        Nick licked the top knot of Brian’s spine.

        “I…”

        Nick slid out and thrust in hard.

        “Oh…  Drew…  I know, I’m sorry, it’s just that I…I…”

        “I love you,” Nick whispered in Brian’s other ear.

        Brian moaned, coming in his hand.

        Nick pressed his forehead to Brian’s shoulder, trying to maintain control over the rhythm of his body.

        “No, I’m, I’m, I, oh god…  Drew…  Please…  I…  Fuck…”

        Nick’s hips snapped forward at that last word; he buried his face in Brian’s neck and groaned out his satisfaction as his cum flowed into Brian’s ass.

        “Oh…”  Brian moaned softly as Nick turned him onto his side, gently pulling out of him.  “No, I’m, I’m done.  Yeah?  Oh, me, too.  When I see you, you have to prove that to me.”

        Nick climbed over Brian, settling down in front of him, kissing his arm.

        “Yes,” Brian said.  “Yes, I want that, too.”  He switched the phone to his other ear; immediately, Nick moved in, licking, sucking at his neck, his jaw, his ear.  “I don’t know how we’ve waited this long.  Come home.  Come home and…  Yes,” Brian shivered, “any time you want.”  He moaned softly at the slight sting of Nick’s teeth.

        Attracted to the sound, Nick raised his head and leaned in to kiss Brian’s mouth.  He licked at the corner of Brian’s mouth before Brian pushed him away with a whispered, “Sweetheart, no.”  Nick lingered, his gaze on Brian’s mouth, slowly licking his own lips, waiting.

        Brian, watching Nick in turn, let a small moan escape at the sight of Nick’s experienced pink tongue wetting those perfect, soft lips.

        “Kiss me,” Nick whispered.

        “I know, I’m sorry, I must be,” Brian said.  “It’s just that I…”  He slid forward an inch, eyes transfixed on Nick’s mouth.  “I am,” he said, and lowered the phone from his mouth, pressing his lips to Nick’s.  Nick made a soft, aroused noise and gave Brian his tongue.  “Mmm.”  Brian broke the kiss.  “I will,” he promised Drew, and kissed Nick again, trying to be quiet about it.  “I really am,” he said in between kisses.  “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

        “You want to fuck me, don’t you?” Nick whispered.  “Tell me that you want to fuck me.”

        “I don’t know,” Brian said.  “I just want you to be here.  Everything feels like it’s slipping out of control and I keep thinking if you were here with me, I could get a grip again.”

        “Fuck me,” Nick whispered, and kissed his mouth.  “Tell me you want to.”

        “I don’t know.  JC and Justin, definitely, but me, too.  I feel like I’m losing my grip on myself.  I feel like - - hold on, give me two seconds.”  He tucked the phone under the pillow.  “God, sweetheart, yes,” he said, kissing Nick, rolling onto his back, pulling Nick over himself.  “Nick, I do, I want to make love to you, just give me ten minutes.”

        “Tell Drew how much you want him,” Nick said, and slipped his hand between Brian’s legs, squeezing high up on Brian’s inner thigh, just to watch pleasure pass over Brian’s face.  “I can feel it in you.  Tell him.”

        “Make love to me again,” Brian said, pulling him in again, kissing his mouth.  “Do it like you did it to Drew.”

        “I could fuck you for hours,” Nick said, already raising Brian’s knee.  “I could, oh god, fuck…”

        Brian gasped at the sudden penetration, then groaned, trying to relax into it.  “Nick…”

        “Drew,” Nick insisted.  “Phone.”  He thrust again, burying himself, and Brian moaned, tight around him.  He found the phone and pushed it into Brian’s hand, then pulled back and thrust in, lifting Brian’s hips for a better angle.

        “Drew,” Brian said, sounding fucked and pleasured and pained and desperate.  “Drew, I - - I know, I’m sorry, I can’t-” a spasm of pleasure crossed his face “-help it.”  He panted, trying not to moan.  “I don’t know, I can’t even remember, it’s like I’ve been drugged, I have been, I’m high on you, I crave you…”

        Nick fucked him steadily, watching him shudder and sweat, watching the pleasure mount in his body.

        “Come home and make love to me,” Brian said, “just promise me you’ll make love to me, promise me you’ll, oh, promise me you’ll - - god - - fuck me.”

        Nick thrust a little harder.

        “Fuck me,” Brian said, “fuck me once for every morning you woke up without me, fuck me twice for every night you fell asleep without me by your side.  Fuck me for every minute I’ve lived without you.”

        Nick went faster.  He could satisfy Brian’s body, even if he couldn’t meet all of the demands of Brian’s soul.

        “I know you want Nick, you can have him, he’ll do anything I ask, just take me, too, Drew, fuck me, fuck me over and over again, as hard as you can, until I forget what it’s like to be all alone and missing you.”  Brian hit Nick’s shoulder with his open palm, and Nick took his dick in hand, fisting the hard, hot flesh.  “Oh, god, yes,” and Brian drove his hips upward, sending Nick deeper.  “God, yes, fuck me, I just, fuck me, I, fuck…”  Brian climaxed, his cock spitting out cum.  He relaxed, drained, closing his eyes, letting Nick claim his body.

        Nick embraced him, holding him, fucking him slowly, rocking gently into him.

        “I just…  There’s this place,” Brian said, his words going in and out with his soft panting, “this place inside me that misses you every second, every second, and sometimes I just want to claw it out so it’ll stop hurting.  For you and for Nick I have to be strong, I have to make it be okay, but there’s been too much, too long.”

        Nick came inside him, quietly.

        “I know,” Brian said.  He wrapped himself up in Nick.  “When I went to see you, I almost couldn’t believe we were there together.  It was like it wasn’t real.  It was only when you were making love to me that I felt it, that I felt you there with me.”

        “What do you want?” Nick whispered into Brian’s neck, their bodies still folded up and wrapped up together.

        “Hold me,” Brian breathed.  “I know,” he said to Drew.  “I know, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I know, I know.  Just come home.  I have to see you again.”

        Nick held Brian as intimately and securely as he could.

        “I love you,” Brian said.

        “One,” Nick whispered to him.

        “I love you,” Brian said.

        “One.”

        “I love you.”

        “One.”

        Brian hung up and held on to Nick.

        Justin played it again.

        “This is Justin.”  Snort, giggle.  “I’m extremely busy at the moment.”  JC’s laughter in the background.  “Leave your message after the beep.”

        Again.

        “This is Justin.”  Snort, giggle.  “I’m extremely busy at the moment.”  JC’s laughter in the background.  “Leave your message after the beep.”

        Again.

        “This is Justin.”  Snort, giggle.  “I’m extremely busy at the moment.”  JC’s laughter in the background.  “Leave your message after the beep.”

        Again.

        “This is Justin.”  Snort, giggle.  “I’m extremely busy at the moment.”  JC’s laughter in the background.  “Leave your message after the beep.”

        Kevin loved it.

        “I’m spending the night,” AJ announced, drawing his nails across Kevin’s collarbone.

        “Good,” Kevin said.  AJ volunteering for it saved Kevin from having to chain him to the bed.

        “This won’t happen every night,” AJ warned him.  “Half of the time, you’re sleeping over at my place.”

        “We could get a new place,” Kevin said.

        “Don’t rush me.”

        “Rush you?  It took me twenty years to get you into my bed.”

        AJ raised his head to give Kevin a look.  “And it was worth it.”

        Kevin smiled.  “Yes, it was worth it.”

        Pride satisfied, AJ settled in again.

        Kevin’s thumb rubbed over a knot of vertebrae.

        AJ began to fall asleep.

        Kevin held AJ, poignantly aware that even this was a rare gift.

        AJ was in his bed.  Voluntarily.  Intending to come back.  After all of the years, all of the silent suffering, all of the pain and the jealousy and the frustration and the terrible lonely nights, AJ was with him.  Yes; it had been worth it.

        “Maybe you should try to get some sleep,” Joey said.

        “Nightmares,” JC said.

        “No one’s heard anything,” Joey said.  “When someone does, we’ll get a call.  Everyone’s promised.  Until then, there’s nothing you can do.”

        “I should be with him.”

        “He didn’t want you around.”

        “He thought I abandoned him!  I have to try to explain.”

        “You mean explain, as in go over the rational facts?  Or explain, as in apologize, beg for forgiveness, and set your relationship back all over again?”

        “I, I won’t do that,” JC said.  “I can’t.  But I can try to explain what happened.  I can tell him that I’ve suffered, too, but that if we work, we can really have something, something even better than what he thinks he’s lost.”

        Joey scrutinized him.  “You’ve really changed.”

        “I won’t know how much I’ve changed, until I’m with him again,” JC said.  “I won’t even know who I am until he’s mine again.”

        “And some things haven’t changed,” Joey observed with a smile.

        “I can change,” JC said.  “The importance of Justin to my life, can’t.”

        “Why?” Brian asked.  “Why can’t I soak up enough of you?”

        “You never could,” Nick said.  “You’re just letting yourself feel it now.”

        “I’m addicted to you,” Brian whispered.

        “I’ve felt this for you,” Nick said, “every day.  Every day.”

        “Nick.”  Brian closed his eyes, his hand covering Nick’s cheek.

        He couldn’t go to Joey or Chris or Lance.  They’d been his friends once, but they’d taken JC from him.  So had Brian and Nick.  Taken JC.  Changed JC.  Ripped his reality.

        He had nowhere to go.  His other friends?  They’d ask questions.  They’d make assumptions.  They’d never understand.  He couldn’t face questions now.  Not when he had no answers.

        But he couldn’t be alone much longer.  The insanity was coming, prickling at the back of his mind, trying to get in through the base of his skull.  He could feel it.  Alone, in a hotel room, he’d give in to it.  And there would be blood.  He knew.  These long days, away from JC, he’d kept himself together with the sure knowledge that if he could only get back to JC, everything would be all right.  But he’d seen JC, and nothing was right at all anymore, and he could feel himself coming apart.  If he stayed out on his own, he’d lose himself to the horror.

        But what else could he do?  Where else could he go?

        AJ grunted and moved in sleep, pushing at Kevin’s shoulder and pulling at Kevin’s hip.  Kevin adjusted to accommodate him.

        He’d heard it.  Finally.  From AJ’s mouth.  Sincere and real.  Those words.  That meaning.  “I love you.”  Without coercion.  Without lies.  Without pretense.

        His heart would be full forever.

        “He’s out there somewhere,” JC said, staring out the window.  “Thinking I don’t love him.”

        “He knows you love him.”

        “Maybe not,” JC said.  “We should go out there and look for him.  I know I could find him.”

        “He’ll come around.”

        “He may have taken off,” JC said.  “He could be in L.A. by now.  We have no idea where he is or what he’s doing.”

        “He’s fine.”

        JC turned to face Joey.  “He doesn’t know how I feel about him.  Do you understand what that means?  Justin doesn’t know how I feel about him anymore.”

        “He has to,” Joey said.  “Somewhere in his head, he does.  And what about you?  How are you supposed to feel, with all of this divorce crap he’s spouting?”

        “When I tell him how I’m feeling and what I’ve gone through, I’ll ask him to tell me his side.  He’ll be able to explain himself.  I want to give him that chance.  After everything we’ve been through, he deserves that much.”

        “How are you feeling?” Joey asked.

        “Dead,” JC said.  “Not just numb.  Dead.  Inside.  Without him.  But I won’t give up, not yet.  As long as he’s alive and I’m alive, I have to try.”

        “About what?” Brian asked, and turned his head slightly, rubbing the end of his nose against Nick’s.

        “About Drew.”

        “Tell me now.”  Brian finger-combed Nick’s hair forward.

        “The main thing is…sort of…about all three of us.”

        “Okay.”  Brian finger-combed Nick’s hair back.

        “You know how icebergs are sort of like, there’s this piece sticking out of the water, and that’s the part everybody sees and pays attention to, but underneath the water there’s miles more hidden in the, uh, depths?”

        “Right.”  Brian licked Nick’s left eyebrow.

        “So I was kissing Drew, and we both know Drew wants me, and we both know Drew loves me, and you can feel that when you’re kissing him, right?  The loving and wanting?”

        “Yes.”  Brian’s fingertip traced the curves of Nick’s nose.

        “One day, I was kissing him, just regular kissing him, and it was like this huge, what’s that word?  Whatever.  This huge pit thing opened up.”

        Brian’s eyebrows drew together.  “What?”

        “Drew has an iceberg.”

        More confusion.  “What?”

        “Kiss me.”

        Brian kissed him.

        Nick closed his eyes and let go.

        Brian jerked back, wide-eyed.

        Nick caught his breath, watching Brian carefully.

        Brian swallowed.

        Nick nodded.

        “Oh.”

        “Drew has an iceberg,” Nick said.

        “For you,” Brian said.

        “Yeah.”  Nick hesitated.  “You have one, too, for him.”

        Brian nodded.  “I do.”

        “When I kissed him, and I felt…that…it freaked me out.  I bailed on him.  I mean, god, Brian, I can’t handle something that important.  But we talked about it.  I have one, and you knew that, didn’t you?”

        “I knew,” Brian said.  “Sometimes I feel it more than other times.  Sometimes I can feel you struggling with it.  You try not to give in to it.”

        “I have to learn to trust you with mine,” Nick said.  “Drew knows I would never do anything to hurt him.  He knows I work hard to keep his trust.  He and I are going to work on his together.  That leaves yours.”

        “I’m working on it,” Brian said.

        “I can tell,” Nick said.  “There were other things, too.  His sexuality.  He let me tear right through it, layer after layer.  He trusts me, Brian.  He lets me do things.  He offers me parts of himself every day.  The whole time we were together, every day we hit another layer.  There’s almost nothing left anymore.  He opened up to me.  There’s so much to do now.  I swear, if I tried, any time, day, night, anywhere, he’ll let me fuck him.  He loves to ride my dick.  We have to buy him toys.  He loves it when I come on him.”

        “Toys?” Brian asked.  “Drew?”

        “He’ll let us,” Nick said.  “I know he will.”

        Brian shook his head.  “That’s…  Drew?”

        “He’s so different,” Nick said.

        “I noticed,” Brian said.  “I could tell.  And I love it.”

        “Don’t feel bad.”

        “I don’t.”

        “You do.”

        “I wish he trusted me.”

        Nick kissed Brian.  “He does.  The two of you are still working on your dynamic.  You’ve only just now let him in.  But it’ll be there.  He’ll open up to you like he opens up to me.  It’s just…  Now that you’ve thrown yourself at his feet and begged him to be your dom, he’s doing it.  He’s going dom all over you.  And until you both get used to that, you might have to push it.  So it might be hard for him to let you in like he lets me in, because it would mean switching positions again, and you have to keep things like they are for a little while.”

        “I know.  But what does that mean?”

        “It means sometimes, he’s going to stop and refuse and say no, and you’re going to have to stand back and let me talk him into it.  Just for the sake of the way things look.  So it’ll be him giving in to me, specifically.  If that makes sense.”

        “So he and I can maintain our positions.”

        “Right.”

        “This is all too complicated.”

        “It wouldn’t be if you’d let him in from the beginning.”

        “You could blame him, too, and not just me,” Brian reminded Nick.  “Toys?”

        “I can’t wait,” Nick said.  “We have to go shopping.”

        Brian smiled.

        “You’re having perverted thoughts,” Nick accused.

        “I like toys.”

        “You think I’m a toy,” Nick said.

        Brian wrapped his arms around Nick’s shoulders.  “Nick…”

        “No,” Nick said.

        “Ten minutes.”

        “I’m sexed out.  No more.”

        “Ten minutes,” Brian repeated.

        “No.”

        “Please?”

        “Do it to yourself.”

        “That’s not as much fun.  I like playing with you.”  Brian drew a line down Nick’s naked chest.  “Five minutes.”

        “Drew never does this to me.”

        “He would if he’d tried it once.”

        Nick sighed.

        Brian rubbed noses with Nick.  “I want to,” he whispered, looking into Nick’s eyes.

        Nick sighed again.  “Which one?”

        “The little white one,” Brian said, running his finger down Nick’s neck.  “No vibration.  Five minutes.”

        Nick smiled.  “Which one do you really want to use?”

        “The black one,” Brian said.  “With the vibration.”

        “Are you going to let me use them on you?”

        “No.”

        Nick kissed Brian.  Brian kissed back.  “I’m going to say no to you.  Here’s why.  Before we do it to Drew, you’re going to have to demonstrate on me.  If you really want it, you’ll really like doing it, and then he’ll see how much you get off on it, and he’ll agree to it.  I want you to want it.”

        “I want it,” Brian said.  He drew circles over Nick’s chest.  “But I respect your no.  You’re right.  I don’t want to wear you out too much tonight, with Drew coming home tomorrow.”

        “Do you think having two people do it to me is going to freak me out?”

        “Yes.”

        “Damn.  I think so, too.  That’s the jacked-up thing, though.  I don’t think it’ll freak Drew out at all.  He trusts us, he lets go, and as long as what we’re doing feels good, he’s fine with it.  I’m the one who can’t handle shit.”

        “You don’t trust yourself,” Brian said.  “And being tied up or blindfolded or vulnerable…  It’s natural to be nervous.”

        “What about you?”

        Brian smiled.  “We may never know.”

        Nick pinched him.  “That’s not fair.”

        “Ouch.”  Brian pinched Nick.  “Maybe life isn’t fair.”

        Nick tickled him.  “If it were, your dick would be bigger.”

        “Hey!”  It was war.  They rolled across the bed, threatening and insulting, tickling and fighting.  They ended up with their heads at the foot of the bed, Nick pinning Brian down, Brian laughing, Nick kissing him.

        Dirt fell on him.  He looked up.  Justin was standing over the grave, shoveling it closed.  But he’d be trapped!  He tried to call out, to ask for help, but he had no voice.

        He was going to die there.  Alongside Justin’s dead body.  Killed by Justin.

        He dodged the falling clumps of dirt and looked into the coffin again.

        It wasn’t his Justin, the one who had been separated from him, the one he’d seen today.  It was the Justin who’d used to be, young, untouched by him.  The Justin he’d killed.

        And now Justin was killing him to survive.

        JC climbed into the coffin with the vibrant young man he’d murdered, and closed the lid.

        “Shit,” Joey said.

        JC opened his eyes, straightening, confused.

        “Oh, sorry,” Joey said, sucking on a knuckle.  “Didn’t mean to wake you up.”

        “He thinks he has to get rid of me to live,” JC said.

        “What?”

        “Justin thinks if he gets rid of me, he can live.”

        “Yeah,” Joey said.  “That’s the impression I got lately.  He’s wrong.”

        “I know he’s wrong, but he doesn’t know he’s wrong,” JC said.  “I’ve changed, Joey, but he doesn’t know that.”

        “He hasn’t given you a chance,” Joey said.

        “Why should he?  Every other time he did, look at what happened.  I’ve never really changed.  Until now.  God.”  JC rubbed his eyes.  “I have so much to tell him. We have to find him.”

        “Fine,” Joey said.  “If it’s going to make you feel better, we can drive around the city following his psychic trails.”

        “Thank you.”  JC stood.  “I’ll drive.”

        Joey rolled his eyes and went to find his keys.

        Brian drew a line down the center of Nick’s forehead.  “One,” he whispered.  Down Nick’s cheek.  “One.”  Down Nick’s chest.  “One.”

        Nick slept.

        Brian watched him, and loved him.

        There was a hand on his chest.  A masculine hand with black nail polish and silver rings.

        The sudden burst of happiness at that sight was almost too much to bear.

        The doorbell chimed again.  It was what had wakened him.  Kevin rolled over slightly and dropped a kiss on AJ’s cheek.  Now that he had AJ in his bed, he couldn’t stand to leave.  But anyone at his door at this time of night was either in severe trouble, or in severe need of a police escort off of his property.  Kevin set AJ’s hand on the mattress, kissed the back of it, and got out of bed.

        Zipping up, Kevin stepped to the front door and checked the peephole.  At first he wasn’t sure whom he was seeing.  Then he recognized the bald, haunted figure, and hurried to open the door.  “Justin?”

        Justin turned and vomited into the bushes.

        “Justin.”  Kevin reached for him.  “What happened?  Are you all right?”

        “I need help,” Justin said, and leaned forward, about to fall onto his face.

        Kevin quickly supported his weight.  “Come inside,” Kevin said.  “You need a bath and a bed.  Can I call someone for you?”

        “No,” Justin said.  “No, nobody.”

        Kevin got Justin into the house and closed the door.  “There’s plenty of room upstairs.  We’ll start with a bath.  Can you tell me why you’re throwing up?”

        “Food,” Justin said.  “Have to…eat.  Can’t get full.  Feels so empty.”

        “I’ll see what I can do about that,” Kevin said, guiding him up the stairs.

        “Where are we going?” Joey asked.

        “I don’t know,” JC said.  “I’m just driving.”

        “You don’t have a plan?”

        “No.”

        “You don’t even have a destination?”

        “No.”

        “We’re just going to drive around until we find Justin?”

        “Yes.”  JC stopped at a red light.

        Joey watched traffic.

        JC looked up at the dark sky.  A few stars.  Light from an airplane.  The moon.  The…  JC frowned.

        Joey glanced at him.  “What?”

        “The airport,” JC said.  “The planes.  He wants to leave.  He wants to get away from here.”

        “Justin took a plane?” Joey asked.

        “I hope not,” JC said, shifting into gear.

        “No,” Justin said, dropping back to sit against the wall weakly.  “Nobody.”

        “All right,” Kevin said.  “The towels are right here.  The bedroom is the first door on the left.  I’ll go get your bags from the car.  Can I get you anything else?”

        “No,” Justin said breathlessly, slumped against the wall.  “Thanks.”

        “Do you need any help?” Kevin asked.  “Getting into the tub?”

        “No,” Justin said.  “I’m fine, I just…  My stomach, the food, nothing…”  He closed his eyes, then put a hand on the toilet to lever himself up, standing.  “I’m fine.”

        “All right,” Kevin said.  “I won’t be far.”  He left, closing the door behind himself.

        Justin began the slow, laborious process of undressing.

        “You think he took off?” Joey asked.

        “No,” JC said.  “Justin and I would never leave each other.”

        “He’s filing for divorce,” Joey said.

        “He wouldn’t go,” JC said.  “He’s still here.  Somewhere.”

        “In the airport?” Joey guessed.

        “It doesn’t feel right,” JC said.  “I don’t think he’s here.”

        “Where else would he go?” Joey asked as JC took the turn to leave the airport.

        “I don’t know,” JC said.  “He needs help.”

        “Chris,” Joey said.  “Brian?”

        “No,” JC said.  “I don’t know.”  Frustrated, JC stopped at an intersection.  “I don’t know.  Damn it.”

        Well, washing his hair was going to be much less of an issue now.

        He looked at his left hand.  He didn’t really need that ring anymore.  Divorced men didn’t wear wedding rings.  He could throw it away.  Sell it.

        He wondered what would happen to JC’s ring.  JC would probably put it in a box somewhere and forget about it.

        That engagement ring.  He’d been young and naïve.  What the hell had he known back then, about anything?  About marriage?  About rings?  About what JC meant to him?

        If he had to do it all over again, he would.  He absolutely fucking would.  He’d marry JC.  He’d propose to JC.  He’d walk down that aisle and say his “I do” and kiss JC’s mouth.  He wouldn’t change a thing, not a thing, nothing.  Except maybe the engagement ring.  Too small.  Not nearly enough bling.  All of those women with their movie star rock star husbands and those huge rocks weighing down their hands would have nothing on JC.  He’d buy JC the diamond to put all other diamonds to shame.  Because back then, he hadn’t known what JC really meant to him.  Now he knew JC’s true worth.

        AJ’s eyes opened; he flopped onto his back.  “Hmm?  What?”

        “Justin showed up.  He’s upstairs taking a bath.  He doesn’t want anyone to know he’s here.”

        “Aren’t they looking for him?” AJ asked.

        “Yes,” Kevin said.  “For now, we can keep quiet.  He looks awful.”

        “Why is he here?” AJ asked.

        “I don’t know,” Kevin said.  “I think he’s spending the night.”

        “Do you need to go back and check on him?” AJ asked.

         “I should,” Kevin said.  “He didn’t seem very…stable.”

        “All right,” AJ said, “but don’t dawdle.  The point of being in your bed is that you’re supposed to be in it with me.”

        Kevin smiled.  “I’ll hurry.”

        Joey didn’t want to question JC’s link to Justin, but they seemed to be driving completely at random.

        JC tapped his fingers on the steering wheel and made irritated faces.

        “Maybe it would help if we thought like Justin,” Joey said.

        “I am Justin, damn it!” JC snapped.

        Whoa.

        “I’m sorry,” JC said, casting Joey a quick, contrite look.  “I’m sorry.  I just…  I don’t know where he is.”

        “Do you want to try the airport again?” Joey asked.

        “No,” JC said.  “He was there, I’m sure of it, but he’s gone now.  Damn it.”  He shook his head.  “I’m trying too hard.  I’m thinking too much.  I should be able to find him, I should be able to feel him, this should be instinctual.  But I can’t feel him!  I have no connection to him, nothing at all.”

        “Maybe we should go home,” Joey said.

        “Your home,” JC said, not bitterly, but sadly.  “I don’t have a home.”

        “Your new house,” Joey said.

        “It’s not a home,” JC said.  “Justin’s not there.”

        “You look like hell,” Joey said.  “Pull over, let me drive.”

        “I’m okay,” JC said.

        “It’ll make me feel useful,” Joey said.  “At least let me pretend I’m helpful to you.”

        JC smiled and pulled into a lot.  “All right.  And thank you, Joey.”

        “For what?” Joey asked, unbuckling his seatbelt.

        “Letting the psycho madman drive you around at four in the morning.”

        “For you, my favorite psycho madman, any time,” Joey promised.

        Dropping the towel, Justin picked up his phone and got into the bed, pulling up the covers.  In the lamplight, he dialed slowly, closing his eyes, rolling to his back.

        “This is Justin.”  Snort, giggle.  “I’m extremely busy at the moment.”  JC’s laughter in the background.  “Leave your message after the beep.”

        Pain stabbed him at the sound of JC’s laughter, but he forced himself to listen.

        “It’s JC.  Call me, please.  I have to talk to you.  There’s so much to say, so much to explain.”  Pause.  He could see JC collecting himself, reeling it back in.  “I’m staying with Joey.  I miss you.”

        A polite knock at the door.  “Justin?”

        Justin sat up, pulling himself together, pushing the echoes of JC’s voice into the back of his mind.  “Yeah?”

        The door opened.  “Just checking,” Kevin said.  “If anything happens to you on my watch, I’m going to have to face some very serious consequences.”  He smiled a little.  “You’re all right?”

        “Yeah.  Thanks for the…hospitality.”

        “I invited you,” Kevin reminded him.  “I’ll be right downstairs if you need anything.”

        “Thanks.”

        “Good night.”  Kevin left quietly.

        Justin would have offered up every cent he’d ever earned to trade places with Kevin.  He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been that confident, that together, that fully mature.  Oh, he could fake it when he had to, but that was different.  Inside, he was full of emotions and needs and desires and confusion.  It was all because of JC, but JC was also the only thing keeping him centered.  Or, had been.

        Justin curled up on his side, phone to his ear.

        “It’s JC.  Call me, please.  I have to talk to you.  There’s so much to say, so much to explain.  I’m staying with Joey.  I miss you.”

        “It’s JC.”  What was that about?  JC never had to introduce or identify himself.  There was something wrong with JC’s voice, too, for the entire length of the message.  JC sounded off.  Nervous, somehow.  Or, not quite nervous, but…

        God, what was that in JC’s voice?

        Fear.  JC was afraid.  Afraid of what?  Afraid of him?  It was slight; he heard only traces of it.  But it was there.

        JC was afraid.

        Justin listened to it again.

        “It’s JC.  Call me, please.  I have to talk to you.  There’s so much to say, so much to explain.  I’m staying with Joey.  I miss you.”

        “Later,” AJ mumbled, tucking his leg between Kevin’s.

        Kevin smiled.

        “Or now,” AJ said, running his hand down Kevin’s naked side.

        Kevin had to laugh.  “Go to sleep,” he said, adjusting the covers to keep AJ warm.

        AJ made a noise of protest, but fell asleep before he could elaborate on it.  Kevin kissed his cheek and fell asleep holding him.

        “You didn’t lose him,” Joey said, sitting beside him.  “He doesn’t want to be found.  Give him a day to figure out what he’s doing.  He’s not in danger.  He’s fine.  When he wants to be found again, he will be.”

        “His hair,” JC said, looking around for it.  Joey took the bottle from the nightstand and handed it to him; he cradled it in his lap.

        “You’re not going to do anything weird with that, are you?” Joey asked.

        “Weirder than carrying it around obsessively, no,” JC said.  “It’s all I have of him right now, so I have to keep it close.”

        “You really miss him,” Joey said.

        “I’ve never felt this disconnected from him,” JC said.  “It scares me, Joey.  Justin and I have lost something.”

        “You’ll get it back,” Joey said.

        “I don’t know,” JC said.  “Maybe we can’t.  Maybe he won’t want to.”

        “Justin wants to be with you,” Joey said.

        “Then where is he?” JC whispered.  “Justin, baby, where are you?  Don’t do this to me, please, don’t do this to me.”

        “JC,” Joey said, worried.

        “Killing me,” JC said.  “Joey, he’s killing me.”

        “He doesn’t mean it,” Joey said.  “He’s confused.”

        “I can’t be strong anymore.”

        “You don’t have to be,” Joey said.  “Not right now.  If you fall apart, I’ll still respect you.”

        “I can’t find him, I can’t feel him, he won’t speak to me, he wants to leave me,” JC said.  “I can’t live like this.  You don’t know what that does to me.”

        “It’ll get better,” Joey promised.

        “It has to,” JC said.  He rubbed his palm across the pearls of his bracelet.  “Whose idea was this, again?  Lance’s?”

        “Yeah,” Joey said.  “We wanted to help.  I know it’s inadequate, but…  I’m sorry.”

        JC nodded.

        “He’ll show up,” Joey said.  “Tomorrow.”

        “I…  Can I have some time alone?” JC asked.  “I won’t do anything crazy,” he said with a brief, half-smile.  “Half of me is dead and gone, and the other half of me is hurt and confused and dizzy.  If I could have five minutes to sit and try to put some of this back together…”

        “Yeah,” Joey said.  “I’ll go find us something to eat.  If you’re not going to go back to sleep, at least you can eat something.”

        “Thanks,” JC said.

        “He’ll show up,” Joey said again, crossing the room.  “Ten bucks says before noon.”  He closed the door.

        JC listened to Joey’s footsteps, then tugged the cork out of the bottle.  He shook a lock of hair into his hand, separated out a single strand of hair, dropped the lock back into the bottle, and recorked it.  He closed his eyes, put the hair on his tongue, and swallowed.

        Blue eyes opened.  Time for action.  JC kissed the bottle and set it aside.  He wouldn’t take it along, but at least this way he still had even a tiny part of Justin with him.  He lifted Joey’s keys from the bedspread, pocketing them, and silently opened the bedroom door.

        Stillness.  JC crept down the hallway, then down the stairs.  He heard Joey singing in the kitchen as he snuck out the front door.

        The Benz was in the driveway.  JC mentally thanked Joey for the use of his car, while praying that Joey wouldn’t discover the absence for another good twenty minutes.

        What could he do?  Could he go back?  Could he return to the beginning?  Or would he have to ride out the pain?  What if he couldn’t?  What if it killed him?

        Why was JC doing this to him?  Why?  Why?  What had he done?

        “Baby, no, please, no, JC, no, no,” he whimpered.  “No, no…  No…  No…”

        There was somewhere else JC could go.

        As he got back in the car and peeled out of Lance’s driveway, leaving tire marks in his wake, his cell phone rang.  Joey, for the fourth time.  JC didn’t answer it.  He didn’t have the time or the energy to waste explaining himself.

        JC pushed the pedal to the floor.

        He was JC.  He was going to find Justin.  He didn’t need to explain himself.