"Where You Belong"

Where You Belong, eighth in the "Living" series

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Thus far we've had JC/Justin, Nick/Drew/Brian, Nick/Jeff, Nick/Drew/Brian/Nick/Jeff, AJ/Lance, AJ/Howie, AJ/Kevin, Chris/Howie, and partridge/pear tree.

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashwriters.

Wherein Drew won't go behind Brian's back, AJ can screw anybody he wants, and could JC be mellowing?

Notice: First, read "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," "Rest in Peace," "Destiny," and "Together." I know it sounds like a lot, but it'll only take you an hour or two.

He was Justin. He had a new life to lead. He was independent. He shouldn’t have kissed Joey. He was going to buy new shoes. He didn’t want to stay with Kevin. He wasn’t going to stay with Kevin. He was bald. He was Justin Timberlake. He’d go visit his mother. Those fries had been very salty. He wanted to go home.

His brain was going in loops and circles, but it was stuttering, too, leaping from subject to subject. And there were gaps, holes, that he couldn’t get to. What was his brain trying to avoid?

“Hell,” Nick said. “You pick up some socks, you throw them in a bag, you’re set. What are you playing with now?”

“Bandannas,” JC said, lifting several from the drawer. “He’ll need some for his hair.”

Nick hesitated. Did he want to break the news to JC? Hell, no. “Grab a handful, toss them in the suitcase, and keep moving. The packers are going to finish up in the kitchen in a minute.”

“I… I won’t be there to braid his hair, what if he wants cornrows, I-”

“He can go to a salon or something and pay someone,” Nick said. “Come on, we’re almost done.”

“I can’t believe he’ll be here, back in town, and we’ll still be apart,” JC said.

Nick took the bandannas from JC’s hand and stuffed them into a corner of the suitcase. “Don’t feel sorry for yourself over the way things can’t be. Think of what you want to happen, the relationship you want to have, how you can get that. Okay? I think we’re done in here. Let’s check the bathroom again.”

Chris signed for the most recent delivery. Howie directed the placement of each item as it was carried through the door.

“I wonder how close Justin and Joey and Brian are to getting here,” Chris said when he and Howie were alone during a lull.

“I don’t know,” Howie said. “You could call.”

“Lance was using,” Chris said.

Howie met his gaze evenly. “Yes, he was.”

“Every day. Every day towards the end of the tour, and every time I saw him since. That indicates every day.”

“It probably was every day,” Howie agreed calmly.

“We’ve all… We’ve all tried this, experimented with that, got into whatever. JC never did anything past marijuana, but the rest of us… Justin doesn’t anymore, even if he wanted to JC would never let him, and I haven’t in years. But we drink, we’re not perfect. And if Joey and Lance want to get into a little recreational fun, that’s their business.”

“That depends on how deep into it they get,” Howie said.

“Did I know?” Chris asked. “Did I know, and did I choose to ignore it? I haven’t done anything to step in at any point of Lance’s headlong rush towards self-destruction. I tell Joey to talk to him, I wish JC would set him straight, I blame AJ, but I haven’t done anything myself. I must have known, I must have seen that he had a problem, but I didn’t do anything.”

“Maybe you didn’t know,” Howie said.

“AJ did. Lance walked through the door and AJ was on top of it. How, how did that happen? How can AJ see it and address it and get Lance to take the first big step in combating it?”

“AJ hasn’t been around lately,” Howie said. “Maybe seeing Lance with a fresh perspective, after an absence, makes him see certain things more clearly.”

“I’m not the friend I thought I was,” Chris said. He shook his head. “I’m not the person I thought I was.”

“You are,” Howie said.

“If I ignore the problem, it’ll go away?”

“You weren’t ignoring it. Some of it you weren’t even aware of. What you were aware of, you tried to address, but you weren’t sure how to get through to Lance. There’s no shame in that.”

“I was sure I was a better friend than that,” Chris said.

“If you’re worried about that, try to be a friend to Lance now,” Howie said. “Help him now.”

“How did AJ swoop back into our lives that suddenly, and identify and solve a problem we didn’t let ourselves know existed?” Chris asked.

“Don’t beat yourself up over it,” Howie said. “Even if you had known what was happening, and if you’d tried to confront Lance, was he ready to listen to you?”

“I could have tried. I could have tried a lot of things. But no, I waited for Joey or JC or Justin to do it.”

“Lance makes his own decisions,” Howie said. “If he decides that a little coke makes his day a little easier, a little more interesting, a little more bearable, then that’s up to him. He knew what he was doing.”

Chris dropped his forehead to Howie’s shoulder.

Howie patted his back.

“AJ was right about one thing,” Chris said to Howie’s shoulder. “Lance was the smartest one. He’s the shrewdest. The most calculating. He has common sense, too, which some of us lack.”

“That scares you,” Howie said. “He’s the most calculating one, and he’s losing control.”

“What does love do to people?” Chris asked.

Howie brought Chris closer to his body and kissed Chris’s cheek. “Love isn’t doing that to Lance. It’s the lack of love. He’s single and alone. He thought he had love, but he didn’t, and now he’s desperate to have it back again, for real this time. Only he’s afraid it was all an illusion the whole time.”

“Love is real,” Chris said. He hesitated, looking into Howie’s eyes. “It feels real,” he said, unsure now.

“Love is real,” Howie assured him. Sweet, complicated kiss, hand tightening just so on Chris’s hip, heat of dark eyes before lashes drifted down again. “Our love is real,” Howie said, and kissed him again.

JC stood in the hallway, obsessively stroking the pearl bracelet on his wrist, while boxes of his and Justin’s belongings were carted out of the apartment.

“You doing okay?” Nick asked.

“I didn’t pack enough of his shoes,” JC said.

“He can buy more,” Nick said. “Or we can run over to the mansion to fetch them for him. Or he can get over his little fetish.” He wrapped his arms around JC from behind. “It’s going to be okay. This isn’t the end. All you’re seeing are all of your things being taken out of the only home you and Justin shared. What you’re not seeing is that all of these things are being taken right over to your great new home that you can share with him. Once we go over there and you start to see it for yourself, your shit and Justin’s shit in the new house, you’ll feel better.”

“He’s coming home today. Now he doesn’t have a home to come back to. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have-”

“He has a home. The new one. He just can’t get to it yet. He has to prove he’s worthy of it first. That lifestyle, being with you, having that house, that’s not for just anybody. He has to give us reason to think it should all be his.”

JC relaxed back into Nick’s embrace. “Remember when we decided to be friends?”

“Fellow sufferers,” Nick said.

“How did this happen?” JC asked. “Your love life was in ruins back then, and mine was all ahead of me. Now you’re in this great place, and I can’t get it right.”

Nick waited quietly while Justin’s dresser was carried down the hallway. “I had to realize that I was worth what I had. You have to realize that you deserve better than what you’re getting.”

“It’s starting to come together in my head,” JC admitted. “It’s forming. But when I see him again… I’m thinking I’m going to be right back where I was.”

“You won’t,” Nick said. “Before, there was this little voice in the back of your head. Now, it’s all of us, screaming it in your face. You won’t forget.”

JC laughed.

“Hello?”

“Kevin, it’s Brian. We just passed everyone’s favorite landmark, the Pizza Hut where Nick and Howie got mobbed. We’re going to take Justin to see JC before we do anything else, and I don’t know how long that’ll take, but I just wanted to check in with you to make sure it’s okay if we bring Justin over later.”

“Yeah. Nick already asked me to house your patient. I should be here all afternoon.”

“I’m sorry if this complicates things for you. We’ll find other arrangements.”

“It’s all right. It could be interesting to have Justin around for a few days.”

“Interesting,” Brian agreed. “All right, thanks.”

“No problem. Bye.”

“Bye.”

“I’m going to give it a final walk-through,” Nick said, then put his hand on JC’s shoulder. “Stay here.”

“I-”

“No,” Nick said. “You’re going to look at all of the empty rooms, start thinking about Justin being gone, and get upset. This apartment isn’t what we’re focusing on. We’re looking ahead, to the future, to the great life you and Justin are going to have once you get your shit together.”

“Justin and I… We lived here. All of the time we spent together…”

“This is where Justin spent hours alone terrified out of his mind while you were out trying to kill yourself. You want to live with those memories? New home. New memories to make.”

“New,” JC repeated, keeping his focus.

“Good boy.” Nick mussed JC’s hair. “Give me thirty seconds, and then we can go see your new happy love palace.”

Justin closed his eyes.

“Do you want to touch me, baby?”

JC slid his hand down Justin’s side, watching his fingers on Justin’s skin.

“I’m yours,” Justin promised. “Nobody else’s.”

“Tell me I can keep you forever,” JC said, focusing on the feel of Justin’s muscular arm against his palm.

“JC,” Justin said, and tipped JC’s face up to look at him. “I’m yours forever. I’m always yours.”

JC kissed him, wanting to own him.

“Always,” Justin promised between kisses.

His last morning at home. His last morning in that life. He hadn’t even known. He hadn’t realized that he’d be ripped from JC’s side, so he hadn’t known to soak up each second. But that made no difference. He couldn’t have cherished those precious moments with JC any more than he had. He treasured every second he spent with JC like it was his last. JC did the same. They’d known what they’d meant to each other.

“Always,” Justin promised between kisses.

Always.

JC had made promises. He’d made promises, too. If he wanted to demand that JC keep every last promise, then he had to keep his promises, too.

But he didn’t have to keep his promises. New life. New Justin. No more JC. Why should he keep his word? Everything was over now. He was escaping, getting free, and he was going to leave without complications or entanglements.

JC was the promise maker. JC was the promise keeper.

He was Justin.

No, their relationship wasn’t equal. It never had been. He was Justin. The tone of JC’s voice, the way JC’s mouth shaped the word, the look in JC’s eyes, explained it all. He was Justin. He had no equal.

Nick was on the road when his cell phone rang. “Hell,” Nick said. He hated it when that happened; he was always torn between respecting Brian’s wishes about driving and being on the phone, and rebelling against Brian’s conservative views. Taking one hand off the wheel, he checked the caller ID. Joey. Eh. He offered the phone to JC.

“Hello?” JC asked.

Nick decided to be courteous and turn down the radio.

“Yeah,” JC said. “No. No, we’re moving some things into the new house. Our new house, Justin and - - what?”

Nick engaged in a bit of eye-rolling as JC started to explain to Joey that he’d bought a new house for Justin. He went off on a side explanation of Chris buying a house for Howie. Then he gave directions. Nick couldn’t believe it. These people didn’t tell each other anything.

“Yeah,” JC said. “Yes. Yeah. All right. Good-bye.” JC handed the phone back to Nick, sighing.

“How close are they?” Nick asked.

“Too close,” JC said. “I can’t do this. I can’t be strong for him. I want to hurl myself at his feet and beg him to let me love him.”

“You tried it that way, and it didn’t work out so well,” Nick said. “Try it our way for a few days. And what is this shit? JC, you can be strong for him. If there’s one person you’ll always be strong for, it’s Justin. You can do this. All you have to do is keep your focus. Don’t lose yourself. Don’t let him throw you off.”

“I’m going to see him again,” JC said.

Nick smiled at him. “You okay with that?”

JC leaned his head back against the headrest. “I don’t know how I’m going to be his friend. I don’t know how I’ll be able to pull everything back to that.”

“What’s the hardest part of that going to be?” Nick asked. “Not living with him? Not telling him you love him?”

“Not touching him.”

Nick nodded.

Justin tried to formulate a plan of attack.

He had to talk to JC alone. He had that right. If they tried to say no, he’d restate his wishes, and JC would be on his side. JC would see to it that he got what he wanted.

He’d talk to JC. After that, he’d follow their little rules. He wouldn’t play their game, but he’d follow their rules and live under their watch while he set up his new life. Then he’d launch into freedom, and live his new life as himself, and whoever didn’t like it could fuck off.

Chris let them in through the front gates. Nick drove up to the house, parking just as a furniture van left. He and JC got out, walking up to the front door. “They’re on their way,” Nick told Howie and Chris, stepping into the house.

“How are you holding up?” Chris asked JC.

“Did you have sex in my new house?” JC asked.

Chris turned red.

“Don’t worry about it,” Nick said.

“We didn’t have sex,” Chris said quickly, agitated. He glanced at Howie and grew more flustered. “We, we didn’t, there wasn’t, I wouldn’t,” he tried to say, gesturing aimlessly.

“We’re sorry,” Howie said.

“That, too,” Chris said, and winced.

“Don’t worry about it,” Nick said again. “It happens.”

“It happens?” JC asked.

Nick shrugged.

“How can you tell?” Chris asked JC.

“I can always tell,” JC said.

“They’re coming now?” Howie asked. “What can we do?”

“Can you tell what we did?” Chris asked.

“I can,” Nick said.

“Nothing,” JC said to Howie. “Thank you, for your support and everything.”

“You’re welcome,” Howie said, “but I barely did anything.”

“You stood by Chris,” JC said. “I know this has been hard on him.”

“You can’t tell,” Chris said to Nick.

“Howie’s happy and relaxed, and you’re tense and fidgety, so he got off and you didn’t,” Nick said.

“We’re always like that!” Chris argued.

“Your lips are red and sort of swollen,” Nick added, gesturing vaguely, “and you licked them three times in the first ten seconds we were here. I think I know what you’ve been doing.”

“Would you please go back to hell or kindergarten or wherever it is that you belong?” Chris asked.

“Justin,” JC said.

“What?” Chris asked.

JC put his hand on Chris’s arm, turning to face the front door. “Justin.”

“They’re here?” Nick asked. “Stay calm. No big scene. You say hello, ask him how he is, give him a hug. You’ll be fine.” His phone rang. “Hello? Oh, right. Can somebody let them in?”

Chris went to push the button. Nick guided JC to the front door and out onto the porch.

Joey and Brian came up the drive.

Nick, JC, Chris, and Howie clustered together.

Joey and Brian parked. Brian got out, giving them a quick wave, and hurried around to open a door for Justin.

Nick put his hand on JC’s back for support.

“Hey,” Joey said, getting out, walking around to help Brian. “How’ve you guys been?” he called.

“Great,” Chris called back. “Just terrific,” he added more quietly. “Just…great.”

“Don’t get weird,” Nick said from JC’s other side.

“Things are tense. I get weird when things are tense,” Chris said.

“This isn’t about you. This is about JC and Justin.”

“JC and Justin, right, JC and Justin,” Chris said. Justin stepped down onto the drive. “Who’s the trauma victim?”

Howie pinched Chris; he shut up momentarily.

“Justin,” JC whispered.

“Hey,” Brian said with a cheerful smile, mounting the stairs, followed by Justin and Joey. “Long time no see.” He embraced JC, then stepped aside to press a chaste kiss to Nick’s lips. “How are you?” he asked JC.

JC was staring at Justin, unblinking.

“Breathe,” Nick whispered, patting JC’s back.

“So, Joey, hi,” Chris said. “Good to see you.”

“Yeah,” Joey said. “You and I should talk. It’s been a strange time. JC,” he said, and gave JC a warm embrace.

“Say hello,” Nick urged JC.

“Justin,” JC said.

Justin raised his chin, defiantly meeting JC’s eyes.

“Your…hair.”

Reaching behind JC’s back, Chris hit Nick. Nick hit Chris.

“You didn’t tell him?” Brian asked.

“Justin’s bald,” Chris told JC.

“You look…tired,” JC said to Justin.

Justin spoke. “I’d like to talk to you alone.”

“I don’t think there’s anything you can’t say in front of us, by now,” Nick said. “We’ve covered everything.”

“I said, alone,” Justin said firmly, his eyes on JC.

“It might be best if at least one of us were there,” Chris said.

“It’s all right,” JC said.

“Are you saying that because it’s what he wants or because it’s what you want?” Nick asked.

JC’s eyes flickered.

“I’d be happy being left out of it,” Joey said, sitting on the porch. “I’d like five minutes where my mind is on something besides the two of you. No offense.”

“Alone,” Justin said, not giving an inch, still looking at JC, reminding JC of his place.

“You’re not listening,” Nick said.

“Inside the house,” JC said, stepping backward. He glanced around the small grouping. “Chris.”

Chris gloated in Nick’s direction, then went with JC into the house. Justin followed.

“What’d you do to him?” Nick asked, as soon as the door closed. “He looks like shit!”

“He’s been a little upset,” Joey said. “Cut him some slack.”

“How’ve you been?” Nick asked Brian, tipping up Brian’s face to look at him.

“I’m worried about Justin,” Brian said. “He was away from JC for too long. He’s not himself.”

“Timberlake’s lost his mind before,” Nick said. “He always gets it back.”

“He’s always had JC to help him before,” Brian said. “This time, things are different.”

Inside the house, JC stopped and turned to Justin. “Your hair.”

They weren’t alone. Chris was there. JC hadn’t respected his wishes. JC always did what he wanted, always gave him what he asked for. This was new, and Justin didn’t like it. He was going to have to remind JC of a few things. “You made me promises,” Justin said. “You’re mine, you give yourself only to me, your body is for my pleasure and no one else’s. Do you remember that?”

“Yes,” JC said.

JC looked amazing, gorgeous, terribly sexy. Apparently their separation hadn’t bothered JC in the least. JC hadn’t even tried to hug him. JC, who touched him all of the time like it was a struggle not to touch him, had not made a move towards him. Like they’d just seen each other five minutes ago and nothing had changed, except obviously everything had changed. JC had changed, and Justin was scared, because JC and JC’s love were the strongest guarantees he had, and if they had changed... If they were gone... “You stick to that,” Justin said. “If you’re not fucking me, you’re not fucking anyone. Do you hear me? I don’t want to hear anything about you hooking up with anyone. Anyone! Men or women or groupies or Lance or hot guys in clubs or musicians in the studio. You keep it to yourself!”

Chris met JC’s eyes, trying to look encouraging, mentally lending support.

JC took a moment to find the response he wanted. Finally, he asked, “Why?”

“You gave me your word that your body was for me and no one else.”

“You gave me your word, too,” JC said. “On the same thing.”

Justin put his hands in his back pockets. Whether or not he’d given his word didn’t matter. He was Justin. He did as he chose. “So?”

“If you’re asking me to be celibate, are you going to be celibate?” JC asked.

“No,” Justin said. JC was wearing the bracelet. The pearl bracelet. “The first night you gave yourself to me, I knew that I would never need anything else.”

“Why not?” JC asked, frowning.

Justin lifted his chin and gave JC’s words back to him. “I can have anyone I want. You’ve told me so. You’ve given me your permission already, those times you said if I ever wanted to be with someone else I could go and do it. I have your permission. You don’t have mine.”

“That’s a double standard,” JC said.

“You set it up that way,” Justin said.

“Forget it,” JC said, shaking his head. “I won’t do it.”

What? “You promised,” Justin insisted.

“If you won’t respect your promises, why should I be held to mine?” JC asked.

“You won’t do it?” Justin asked. JC wasn’t giving him what he wanted anymore. JC didn’t care what he wanted.

“No, I can’t make that promise again,” JC said. “I won’t be pushed into doing things you’re not willing to do for me in return. But Justin, I don’t get it. We’re married. What are we talking about? You know I’d never cheat on you.”

He made himself say it, right to JC’s face, steeling himself against any kind of reaction. “I meant after our divorce,” Justin said.

“After our what?” JC asked.

He had to say it again. He forced it out. “Our divorce,” Justin said. “We’re getting divorced.”

JC sat on the first step of the grand staircase, looking up at Justin. “Why?”

That was it, that was all?! All of those promises of love and forever, and this was JC’s reaction to divorce? If JC could play it cool, so could he. Justin shrugged. “It’s not working out. I want to be on my own. I don’t want to be trapped with you anymore. We can stay friends, but I have better things to do.”

“We can work something out,” JC said. “Give me a chance. I’m willing to change. We could even back up, start out as friends-”

That arrogant bastard and his non-reactions. And now friends? JC wanted them to be friends?! “I’m not interested in working anything out,” Justin said. “I want my freedom. I want my own life, away from you.”

“I can give you space,” JC said. “I can give you independence. Give me a month, a week, to show you how different and how good-”

No, no, no second chances, no negotiations, if he didn’t go now he’d never get out. “I don’t want to work this out,” Justin said. “I just want to go. I’m going to ask Evan to be my lawyer. You should get one, too.”

“For what?” JC asked, unable to understand.

God damn it! It was like JC enjoyed making him say it! JC was playing with him, enjoying his pain! But JC wouldn’t win. He wasn’t going to show his pain. It was his own, not for JC’s amusement. “For the divorce,” Justin said. “To separate out who gets what.”

“Anything you want, you can have whatever you want,” JC said. “That doesn’t matter to me.”

Didn’t matter, didn’t matter, JC didn’t care. He had to go, he had to get out, he couldn’t take this, JC not caring anymore. “Great,” Justin said. “So, we’ll be in touch.” He moved to go, then turned back. “What is this?”

“This what?” JC asked, sounding tired, rubbing at his face.

“This place.” He’d never seen it before. It was almost palatial. Maybe Nick and Brian and Drew were buying it?

“It was supposed to be ours. They’ve been moving our stuff in. I bought it for you. You can have it if you want it.”

That flat voice. If he wanted it. It didn’t matter to JC. JC didn’t care. JC didn’t care about him, or the future they’d planned, or any of it, anymore. If JC didn’t care, he wouldn’t expose his caring. “Oh. Cool.” Justin left.

“You asshole!” Chris yelled after him. “You blind arrogant asshole!”

JC lowered his face, holding his head in his hands.

“I can’t believe this,” Chris said. “I can’t fucking believe him! You’ve loved him this hard, this long, for what? For him to do this?”

Nick walked in, seeing JC seated at the bottom of the stairs. “What happened? What did he say?”

“He told JC he wants a fucking divorce!” Chris shouted.

“Oh, JC,” Nick said, sitting on the riser behind JC, rubbing his back. “That sucks. He’s out of his mind. He couldn’t have meant it. Justin could never let you go. People say shit when they’re upset. He didn’t mean it. He won’t really do it.”

“Now what?” Chris asked. “Our brilliant plan to improve their relationship, this is what it comes to?”

Nick looked at Chris. “You actually think he’s going to go through with it? Hell, no. Justin’s not going to divorce JC. Besides, look, what if he does? They’re going to end up together in the end. They’ll always come back to each other. They can’t stay apart. Justin will come back to him.”

“How much are you willing to bet on that?” Chris asked. “Everything? I sure hope so. We’ve ruined their lives!”

“Why are you yelling at me? Things aren’t ruined. Justin’s demanded a divorce before, and it never happened,” Nick said. “We weren’t alone in this; you were right beside me.”

“I said from the beginning-”

“Yeah, maybe you did, but so the hell what? Did you ever try to stop it? Did you, I don’t know, warn JC and Justin? No, you went along with everything, you sat and picked around inside their heads just like I did. So don’t throw your little fit about how we’ve fucked up, because you were right there with the rest of us,” Nick said.

“He did great,” Chris said. “You did great, JC.”

“Did you?” Nick asked JC.

“He stood up for himself,” Chris said. “He didn’t give in. He did a great job.”

“We’re proud of you,” Nick said.

“Now what are we going to do?” Chris asked.

“Help JC,” Nick said. “Stand by him, support him. Help him fight to get Justin back.”

“If I were JC, I wouldn’t want Justin back,” Chris said.

Nick stroked JC’s hair. “That’s an option, too.”

Outside the front door, Justin said, “I’m ready to go.”

“Are you sure?” Brian asked.

“I don’t have anything else to say to him,” Justin said.

“Not even, hey, it’s been great being married to you?” Joey suggested. “Hey, thanks for all of the incredible sex? Hey, I really appreciate you being in love with me?”

“I have nothing else to say,” Justin said. “If he has anything to say, he can go through my lawyer.”

“That’s great,” Joey said. “Nothing like a great big fuck you to the person who loves you most and would do anything to make you happy. That’s fine, don’t worry about how he feels, I’m sure he’ll get over it.”

“Can we go?” Justin asked, sounding bored.

“All right,” Brian said. “Do you want to go to Kevin’s?”

“I want to go to the apartment to get my stuff so I can move in here,” Justin said.

“The apartment’s cleaned out,” Howie said. “They’ve been bringing everything over here. JC packed you a bag,” he added, gesturing to where it sat.

“Move in here?” Joey asked Justin.

“You can’t move in here,” Brian said.

“He said that I can have it,” Justin said.

“You can’t,” Brian said. “This house is for you and JC to live in together.”

“He said he bought it for me,” Justin explained. “He’s giving it to me.”

Brian looked to Joey for help.

“Do you understand that JC bought this place for you?” Joey asked. “It’s not a pair of socks or a nice watch. It’s not even a new car. It’s a home. It has to be worth several million dollars.”

“He bought it for you, but he meant to share it with you,” Brian said. “He intended for it to be your home, both of you, together.”

“He gave it to me,” Justin said. “I’m moving in. Maybe he meant to live here, too, but I’m divorcing him.”

“Are you going to pay for it?” Joey asked.

“Didn’t he already take care of that?” Justin asked.

“Why should he pay for a house he doesn’t live in?” Joey asked. “Especially one this expensive?”

“It’s a gift,” Justin said. “If he didn’t want to pay for it, he should have thought of that before he gave it to me.”

“You and JC can talk it over later,” Brian said. “Come to Kevin’s for now.”

“No,” Justin said. “No. You all had your chances. You kidnapped me and played your stupid games. Now we’re home again, and I’m through with it. I’m getting my life back. Just take me home so I can get my car.”

AJ swung into the passing lane. “We going to visit the reunited lovers?”

“No,” Lance said.

AJ looked at him. “No?”

“I don’t think I’m invited.”

“You’re part of their inner circle.”

“You still listen to this stuff?” Lance asked, flipping through AJ’s CD’s.

The subject had been changed; AJ let it drop. “Still?” he asked. “You make it sound like we’ve been broken up for decades. Here, check in the back,” he said, reaching over and showing Lance where to look. “There should be some of your stuff.”

“Wow.” Lance was surprised. “I smashed your CD’s with a hammer and tried to set the shards on fire.”

“I deserved that,” AJ said. “That’s fair.”

“I realized something today,” Lance said, looking out over the road. “I am never going to be happy. Not the way I want to be.”

“That’s bullshit,” AJ said. “You tell me why you’re saying that, and I’ll tell you why it’s bullshit.”

“It’s not bullshit,” Lance said.

“No, it’s bullshit,” AJ said. “You are going to be very happy, because you’re a good person who’s been dragged through hell. You deserve to be happy.”

“I was with you,” Lance said, “and I thought that my life was full and complete. Then I had the rug pulled out from under me, and everything went to hell from there. Then today, I finally started to realize and accept things, like maybe we don’t belong together and maybe I’m in love with someone else in a way I wasn’t in love with you. But he’s straight.”

“I told you that doesn’t matter,” AJ said, flipping down his sun visor.

“Of course it matters,” Lance said. “How can that not matter? I’m not just fond of his sense of humor, I want him. How can I be happy in life and feel fulfilled and complete as a man if the person I’m in love with isn’t sexually attracted to me?”

“Have you told Joey that you’re in love with him?”

“No, and I never will,” Lance said. “What about you?”

“No,” AJ said. “I keep thinking I have, I feel like I have. It’s so obvious to me it’s like it doesn’t need to be said. But I have to say the words outright, and I haven’t.”

“Why not?” Lance asked.

“I don’t know,” AJ said. “He doesn’t trust me right now, and if I say the words and he doesn’t believe them, if the trust between us is that far gone that he wouldn’t believe that from me… I don’t want to face that.”

“You,” Lance said, “can face anything.”

AJ pulled up to a stoplight. He leaned over and kissed Lance on the mouth. “So can you.”

“Really,” Lance said.

“I believe that about you,” AJ said. “You’re capable of handling anything and facing anything. If anyone tries to reject you, you’re going to make him respect you.”

“Do you respect me?” Lance asked.

“More than I ever have,” AJ said.

Lance kissed him until the light changed and the car horns around them began to blow.

They checked the bag on the porch; Justin’s wallet and car keys were inside it. Brian drove Justin to his car.

“I believe that you still love him,” Brian said. “I know that he’ll always love you. If you ever change your mind, there’s a good chance he’ll take you back.”

“I know you still don’t take me seriously, and you’re saying that to play with my head,” Justin said. “I don’t care.”

“All right,” Brian said. “May I tell you something direct and honest?”

Justin shrugged and waited.

“I want you to take care of yourself. You have all of my numbers, you know where I live, come to me any time. I want to be there for you if you ever need anything. If it’s three in the morning and you want to talk, just call.”

Justin nodded, like he was reluctantly considering it. “When is Drew coming home?”

“Tomorrow,” Brian said.

He nodded again.

“Please, before you do anything, make sure it’s absolutely what’s right in your heart,” Brian said.

“Yeah,” Justin said.

Brian hugged him. “Be good to yourself.”

Justin returned the embrace tightly.

“Oh, Justin,” Brian said, and rubbed the back of his shaved head. “It’ll be all right. I know you’re sick of all of us right now, but we only want to help you.”

“I just want to be left alone,” Justin said.

“All right,” Brian said. “We’ll give you space.”

Justin finally let him go.

“But call me, please?” Brian coaxed with a smile.

Justin offered him a crooked grin.

Happy with that, Brian squeezed Justin’s arm and got back in his car.

“Did you know that Justin’s coming back today?” Lance asked.

“Yeah,” AJ said.

“It was funny,” Lance said. “I talked to Joey last night and this morning, and he never mentioned it. I didn’t know until JC told me.”

“Why wouldn’t he want you to know?” AJ asked.

“He doesn’t trust me,” Lance said.

“Have you been worth trusting lately?”

Lance laughed. “Hell, no.”

“There you go.”

“I’m still pissed at him,” Lance said. “He’s the one person who’s always stood by me.”

“These guys have been spending all of their time and energy trying to save JC and Justin from themselves,” AJ said. “Joey’s not going to hand you an invitation to fuck that up. If he’d told you Justin was coming home today, what would you’ve done?”

“I would’ve driven right over and fucked JC while I still had the chance.”

AJ laughed. “Then you can’t be hurt that he didn’t tell you.” He glanced over at Lance. “You would have?”

“Would’ve what, fucked JC?” Lance asked. He flashed his most feral grin. “Hell, yeah.”

“He wouldn’t have let you,” AJ said.

“Justin would’ve let me,” Lance said. “I got damned close last time, and that was earlier in the game. But that would’ve meant getting past Joey and Brian.”

“That’s a problem for you?” AJ asked.

Lance shook his head. “Brian. There’s something about him. Ever since I told him off and he left the tour, I’ve tried like hell to avoid him. I don’t know what it is about him.”

AJ crooked his finger. Lance leaned closer. AJ took his eyes off the road to whisper in Lance’s ear, “Goodness.” He sat back and changed lanes. “That’s all it is. Brian’s a good guy you did wrong, and you’re feeling guilty, and you can’t stand to be around him. I know when I’ve been pulling shit, being in the same room with him is like facing down my conscience.”

“Guilty?” Lance asked, clearly not believing it.

“There’s a dark streak in you. There’s one in me, one in everybody. That’s natural. But you’re not a bad person, and you don’t do bad things. Right now, this shit you’ve been playing, that’s not you, it’s not natural to you, and it’s starting to wear at you. You did Brian wrong, and he didn’t deserve it. If bad things came naturally, you’d see him and not give a rat’s ass. But you’re a good guy, like it or not. Your conscience is eating at you.”

“I haven’t done anything I wouldn’t do again.”

“What you’ve done is done. What about the future? What about what you’re going to do today and tomorrow?”

“I don’t know,” Lance said. He put on his sunglasses. “I guess we’ll find out.”

Brian drove back to the new house, stepping onto the porch where Joey was sitting. “They’re still inside?”

“Yeah,” Joey said. “Howie went in to tell them about Justin leaving. You got rid of him?”

More deliveries had been made; the boxes had been left on the porch so as not to disturb the people in the house. Brian sat on a box. “Yeah. We should all really talk together.”

Just then, the door opened. Chris, Howie, Nick, and JC filed out, taking seats on the porch and the boxes.

JC sighed and scratched his arm.

“Baldy’s gone?” Nick asked.

“He may be coming back,” Brian said. “He thinks he’s going to live here.”

“Hell, no,” Nick said.

“I told him-” JC began.

“It’s in your name, isn’t it?” Nick asked. “Everything’s in your name and under your control. If he wants it, he can fight for it in the divorce. He’s not moving in. And we’re following the same plan. We get it fixed up and decorated for both of you, like we’re counting on both of you living here together. Nothing changes.”

“Justin’s not serious,” Brian said. “He’s confused.”

“I think we’re all confused,” Chris said, rubbing his forehead. “If we don’t let Justin live here, and he insists on being independent, where’s he going to go? Memphis? While we’re working on the Fools before the next *NSYNC album, he could go to L.A. for the whole break.”

“You’re assuming there’s nothing keeping him here,” Brian said. “But there is.”

“You’re counting too much on Justin coming to his senses,” Chris said.

“I believe that things will work out,” Brian said. “Justin loves JC too much to be away from him. This separation was hell for him, and I think he’s truly not in his right mind anymore. But now that he’s back, and he has the opportunity to go to JC the way he’s been wanting to, I think he’ll take the right steps.”

“He knows who he wants to hire for his divorce lawyer,” Chris said.

“He’s confused,” Brian said again. “He’s talking about taking steps, and he may even take steps, but they’re not what he truly wants.”

“If he takes them, they’re taken,” Chris said. “What happens after he goes through with the divorce?”

“He won’t,” Brian said. “If he does, he’ll only end up asking JC to marry him again. Things will work out in the end.”

“I’m going home,” Chris said, standing. “JC, you’ll be staying at Joey’s?”

JC nodded.

“All right, I’ll be over later. And for hell’s sake, stay away from Lance.” He took Howie’s hand and stepped down off of the porch.

“I’m glad to be rid of him,” Nick said. “Now what?”

“Lance,” JC said. “I never got to talk to him.”

“Yeah, AJ kind of one-upped you,” Nick said.

“AJ?” Joey asked.

“He got back yesterday,” Nick said. “He spent the night.”

“AJ’s back?” Brian asked. “What happened?”

“Where is he now?” Joey asked.

“Probably still with Lance somewhere,” Nick said.

“They’re…together?” Joey asked.

“I don’t know what’s going on,” Nick said. “You want Lance to meet us somewhere?” he asked JC.

“Are you ready for company?” JC asked Joey.

“Let me run home and find a clean spot,” Joey said. “Come over when you’re finished with Lance.”

“Your house?” JC asked Nick.

“Sure,” Nick said, rising. “Let’s go.”

“Wait,” Joey said. “I want to give JC something.”

Nick sat down again with a sigh.

“What is it?” JC asked.

“Come inside with me,” Joey said, his bag in one hand, guiding JC back into the house.

“This had better be good,” Nick muttered.

Inside, Joey sat on the sofa that had been left in the hallway, and opened his bag as JC sat beside him.

“Justin wanted you to have this,” Joey said. “We saved it just for you.” He handed JC the clear glass bottle full of dirty blond curls.

JC turned it over in his hands, staring into it.

“He wanted you to have it,” Joey said again. “He knew you’d want it.”

“Justin,” JC said, stroking the glass.

“He wanted to be himself. He didn’t like the way he was anymore, and he wanted to be himself again. He wanted to leave there as himself, to come back here as himself, so he cut off his hair to commit to the change.”

“Baby,” JC whispered.

“He wanted to find himself. He’s still trying.”

JC held the bottle to his cheek and closed his eyes.

“We’ll be outside,” Joey said, and left JC alone with the only part of Justin he was allowed to have anymore.

They settled into the hot tub, sitting opposite each other.

“How’d you know it was Joey?” Lance asked.

“I know how he feels about you,” AJ said. “He’s never tried to hide it. You always seemed to return the feeling. What gets me, though… You let him fuck you? You wanted it?”

“It started off… I was drunk. Not as drunk as he thought I was. He put me to bed, and I think I fell asleep, but the next thing I knew, he was asking me if I’d ever thought about him. He started to touch me, feeling me up, and then he went straight for my dick. When a guy gets his hand on your dick, it’s a pretty clear sign, so I asked him if he wanted to fuck me.”

“This sounds more voluntary than coercive,” AJ said.

“He put his finger in me. He didn’t know what he was doing, but it didn’t matter. It felt great. But we started talking, getting into it and talking at the same time, and then he tried to pull back. I started to go down like I was going to give him head, and he started to say no. I kept moving, and he kept saying no, and I did it anyway.”

“How was it?” AJ asked.

Lance smiled. “It was great. Joey gets more head than anyone I know, and I know he fucks girls’ mouths, I’ve seen him do it, but he just held still and hated every second of it. I knew it was killing him. He thought it was wrong, he thought he was using me, he knew the whole thing wasn’t right, but he loved the way it felt and he couldn’t push me off. He’s been paying for it ever since.”

“He thought he was using you?” AJ asked.

“In his mind, he’s getting off, he’s using me,” Lance said.

“If he had such a love-hate relationship with the blowjob, how’d you get him to fuck you?” AJ asked.

Lance smiled. “I can’t give away all of my secrets.”

“Was it good?”

“Joey doesn’t know what he’s doing with guys. He wasn’t even sure how to kiss me. But when he was in, his dick took over. Joey may not know the first thing about being in bed with a man, but you put his dick in something that feels good, and he’ll fuck the hell out of it.”

AJ grinned.

“Ever since his dick left my ass, I’ve been wanting it back,” Lance said.

“Think you could teach him how to give head?” AJ asked.

“That’s asking a lot,” Lance said. He slid along the side of the hot tub until he was closer to AJ; he reached out and drew his thumb across AJ’s lower lip. “Especially since I’ve had my dick in your mouth.” AJ’s lips parted; Lance slipped his thumb in, letting AJ’s tongue do what it wanted. “Has Kevin let you fuck him yet?”

AJ let his teeth graze Lance’s skin; Lance lowered his hand. “I haven’t tried.”

“You could fuck me,” Lance said, sliding even closer, his hand cupping AJ’s arousal underwater.

“We decided not to do that,” AJ reminded him.

“We decided I couldn’t fuck you,” Lance said, slowly stroking AJ’s erection. “We didn’t say anything about you fucking me.”

“We decided to be friends,” AJ said.

“We can be friends who fuck,” Lance suggested, and kissed him.

AJ’s hands rose to Lance’s shoulders, dragging Lance closer, as their tongues mated. Their naked bodies twined and clung underwater as their mouths made passionate love.

Ring. Ring.

“Damn it,” Lance said. “That’s me.”

AJ kissed Lance’s lips. “Go ahead.”

Lance reached past AJ and caught his phone. “Hello?”

AJ ran his hand up and down Lance’s thigh.

After a brief conversation, Lance hung up and leaned back beside AJ. “JC wants to talk to me.”

AJ drew circles over Lance’s kneecap. “Are you going?”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t try anything stupid.”

“I’d better go. I’ll see you later?”

“Count on it.”

Lance stepped out of the tub, reaching for a towel. “You should go visit Kevin.”

“I might.” AJ’s gaze drifted over Lance’s naked body. “You look good, James.”

Lance draped the towel around his neck and walked away, giving AJ a good long look at his ass, saying over one shoulder, “Eat your heart out.”

AJ laughed.

JC had called Lance from the car. He and Nick went into the house, followed by Brian. “Can you go to the kitchen for ten minutes?” Nick asked.

“Sure,” JC said with a smile, and made himself scarce.

Nick grabbed Brian’s hand and went into the front room, dropping onto the sofa, bringing Brian along with him. In seconds they were exchanging deep, soft kisses, Brian’s hands in Nick’s hair, Nick’s hands on Brian’s ass as Brian gradually climbed on top of him. Brian made quiet “mmm” sounds at the soft fullness of Nick’s lips as their tongues made slow love.

“You missed me,” Nick whispered.

“Mmm, yes,” Brian said, and licked at the corner of Nick’s mouth. He groaned with pleasure at the unexpected pressure of Nick’s hand between his legs. “Oh, Nick…”

“I want to suck it,” Nick whispered, gazing at Brian from beneath lowered lashes.

Brian panted, tensing, thighs clamping down on Nick’s hand. “Later, later…”

“Tonight?” Nick asked, rubbing slowly.

Brian moaned. “Yes, tonight, yes,” he promised. Nick kissed him again, and he wrapped his arm around Nick’s shoulders.

The doorbell rang.

“Fuck you,” Nick said.

Brian broke into laughter.

“I’ll get it,” Nick muttered, dumping Brian to the floor, getting up. “If it’s Lance, I’m leaving him out there.” He walked to the foyer and checked. “Great.” He opened the door. “Come in. JC!” he yelled.

JC joined them. “Hey, Lance.”

“You look terrible,” Lance said. “What is that?” he asked, gesturing to the bottle in JC’s hands.

“Justin’s hair,” Nick said. “Justin shaved his head.”

“Justin shaved his head? I have to see that. And you’re keeping his hair?” Lance asked. “Of course you are. Never mind. You wanted to talk?”

“Go ahead,” Nick said, gesturing. JC led the way. Nick went back to pick Brian up off of the floor. “Food?” Nick suggested.

Brian kissed him gently.

Nick smiled a little, running his thumb under Brian’s chin. “I love you, too.”

Lance sat beside JC on the couch. “Sorry we never got to have this talk earlier.”

“Are you all right? With…what happened?”

“Yeah,” Lance said. “The coke, everything, it was starting to be a crutch. AJ and I talked about it, and it was good to get the smack in the face now, when I can handle it, instead of later, when I’m too dependent.”

JC nodded.

“What did you want to talk about?”

“I should have said something a long time ago,” JC said. “I didn’t, and that was my fault. I’m sorry.”

“About what?” Lance asked, like he didn’t know. He knew. He saw it in the way JC’s hands rubbed together, heard it in the shading of JC’s voice.

“I love you, but there can never be anything between us. I love Justin. I’ve married him, and I’ve pledged myself to him. My sexual attraction to him is so strong that there can never be anyone else. I hope that you can respect that. You’ve been making moves on me for months now, and I knew that you were, but I couldn’t respond to them. I’m married. I love Justin. Please…stop. It’s inappropriate. I don’t appreciate it. You’re our friend, and you should be able to respect what we have.”

Lance braced himself with one hand on the back of the couch, then leaned in, so close that he could almost taste the skin of JC’s neck, could smell the light scent of JC’s shampoo. He closed his eyes and wanted. Then, finally, he opened his eyes and sat back. “Things are different now. I’m in a different place.” He smiled. “I’ll probably always want you, JC, but that’s something everyone you know has to live with. I can keep my hands to myself.”

“And Justin?” JC asked.

“He’s back in town, isn’t he? Where is he?” Lance asked.

JC rubbed the bottle. “He wants a divorce.”

“A divorce,” Lance repeated. “Is he out of his mind?”

“Maybe he’s out of love,” JC said. “I don’t know. He won’t talk to me.”

“I have to be honest,” Lance said. “The idea of the two of you separating, it’s the perfect opportunity for me. But no matter what, I’ve always loved you, and I do respect you. I won’t try anything with him,” Lance said. “Out of respect for you. No matter how tempted I am.”

“Thank you,” JC said.

“Divorce,” Lance said again. “Where is he staying?”

“I don’t know,” JC said. “He wanted to move into the new house, but he can’t get in right now.”

“He’s crazy,” Lance said. “He’s making a huge mistake. Justin is the most fortunate person in the world, because he has you. And he’s the stupidest person in the world, to try to throw that away.”

“Thank you,” JC said.

“AJ and I made up today,” Lance said. “If he and I can be friends after everything that’s happened, you and I can be friends again, can’t we?”

“We always were friends,” JC said, taking his hand. “We always will be.”

Lance hugged him.

“Nick and Brian were going to take me over to Joey’s, where I’ll be staying, but I don’t want to take them out of their way after everything they’ve done. They deserve some time together, alone. Would you mind?”

Lance smiled. “I’ve been meaning to pay Joey a visit.”

Chris got up and walked out of the room.

Howie debated, then set down his magazine and followed Chris.

Chris went to the laundry room, stripped out of his midnight blue shirt, dropped it into the washer, poured bleach over it, and started the machine.

“What are you doing?” Howie asked.

“Joey’s shirt,” Chris said.

“Why are you mad at Joey?” Howie asked.

“I hate my friends,” Chris said, crossing his arms over his chest and watching the washer with grim satisfaction.

“I like your friends,” Howie said, pulling himself up to sit on the dryer.

“I hate your friends,” Chris said.

“You hate your friends and my friends,” Howie said.

“Maybe it was Lance’s shirt,” Chris said.

“I would have guessed JC’s,” Howie said.

“I think it was JC’s,” Chris said, remembering. “It doesn’t matter,” he decided. “I hate them all.”

“Why?” Howie asked.

“Did you notice that everything’s about them?” Chris asked.

“We have self-interested, dramatic friends,” Howie said.

“JC and Justin have hard times, so everyone bands together to help them through it, no matter how badly we’re inconvenienced. Lance has a bad break-up, and everyone goes into a tizzy.”

Howie suppressed a smile at “tizzy.”

“Lance deliberately tries to break us up, and who cares?”

“Lance was the one who did it, Joey and Justin didn’t even know about it, JC-”

“That’s almost my point,” Chris said. “Things happen to me and people don’t know, people don’t care. Justin gets a hangnail and everybody knows about it.”

“You’re not as dramatic,” Howie said. “You don’t demand their attention, and since they’re all demanding each other’s attention, you get a little less of the spotlight.”

“I’m the back-up, I’m the sidekick, I know that. That’s always been fine. I don’t want to be the star or the diva or any of that. Justin can have his spotlight, JC can, Lance, anyone. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want any of the attention ever.”

“They’re going through things right now.”

“They’re always going through something! They never stop! Justin gets upset when he’s too happy! There’s never a time when they’re not going through something. Maybe Lance did it right. He used to be in the back with Joey and me, but he got some attitude, and now he’s up front with the big stars. Maybe I need to get myself some attitude.”

“What brought this out?” Howie asked. “Why now?”

“We, all of us, have put our lives on hold to help JC and Justin. And what now? I didn’t do it for the gratitude. I didn’t expect to be thanked, because when have we ever been thanked for standing by them? But Justin, that ungrateful bastard, he won’t see what we’re doing, he won’t make an effort for our sakes, he’s so wrapped up in his own fucking self that I don’t know why the hell we even bothered.”

“I know that JC is very grateful for you,” Howie said. “You were very important to him these past few days.”

“I’m sick of it,” Chris said. “I’m sick of them and their drama. I’m sick of being a second-class citizen among my best friends.”

“You can tell them you feel that way,” Howie said. “Joey looks like he feels the same way. JC will understand, and he’ll make it up to you.”

“JC’s not even the problem, not really. Not lately. JC got more perspective somewhere along the way. It’s Justin. I could break his arm for what he’s doing.”

“I don’t know what he’s thinking,” Howie said.

“Joey and I should quit,” Chris said. “Revolt. Secede.”

“What about the Fools?” Howie asked. “That should bring some of the spotlight back to you.”

“Why?” Chris asked.

“It’ll bring more respect,” Howie said. “You have a lot of talent, Chris.”

“You have more talent,” Chris said.

“No, I don’t.”

“You’re a better singer.”

“We’ll never decide that,” Howie said. “You have a more unique voice.”

“You can’t tell me how freaky my voice is,” Chris warned. “Justin can say whatever he wants, but you have no room to make fun of me.”

“I would never make fun of you,” Howie said.

Chris stepped closer to where Howie sat, wrapping his arms around Howie’s waist and putting his head in Howie’s lap. He sighed dramatically.

Howie stroked the hair on Chris’s chin.

“What about you?” Chris asked. “All of your friends get major spotlight drama time.”

“You can’t be AJ’s friend if you aren’t willing to support him through his various dramas,” Howie said. “I knew that when I met him. Nick, he doesn’t mean to run away with the spotlight. It’s not as intentional. Brian knows how to take it when he wants it, but most of the time he leaves it alone. Kevin’s the same way. The main point is, though, that I know if I ever need their support or help or attention, they’ll give it to me. I just don’t demand it very often.”

“AJ,” Chris grumbled.

“Chris,” Howie said. “You do know that you’re a very dramatic person. It’s just that it’s always made-up created drama, not real drama.”

“Me?” Chris exploded, straightening and backing up, throwing his arms out. “Me?! I’m dramatic?! How dare you, sir, how dare you!”

Howie smiled.

“I have never been so insulted in my life!” Chris stormed out of the laundry room.

Howie shook his head.

Nick and Brian were in the kitchen, gazing vaguely into cabinets.

“Lance is going to take me over to Joey’s,” JC said. “I thought you might appreciate the time.”

“Oh,” Brian said. “Are you sure? We wouldn’t mind.”

“It’s all right,” JC said.

“Do you have your bags?” Brian asked.

“They’re by the door,” JC said.

“Well, thanks for coming over,” Nick said.

JC laughed. “Thanks for having me.”

Nick hugged him. “Take care of yourself. Be strong. Remember all of that stuff we talked about.”

“Thank you,” JC said, hugging him tightly. “For everything.”

Nick kissed his cheek and let go. “It’s going to work out. You and Justin were meant to be together.”

“I’m so sorry,” Brian told JC. “I wanted to help, but I don’t know if I did any good at all.”

“Sometimes Justin doesn’t want to be helped,” JC said. “I know you did your best. Thank you.”

“Call us,” Nick said. “Call me. If you don’t come to see us, we’ll come to see you.”

“I’ll call,” JC said. “Thank you, both. Whatever…whatever happens with…Justin…” He paused to collect himself. “I know that I have very special, generous friends.”

“Oh, come on, time to go,” Nick said, putting an arm around JC and walking him to the door. “No mushy talk. We all love you, and we want you to be treated well in a good relationship. Once we hit Justin over the head a few times, you can get to work on building a strong marriage.”

Lance lifted JC’s bags for him.

“Thank you, again,” JC said to Nick and Brian.

“You’re welcome,” Nick said. “Now stop thanking us.”

“Good-bye,” JC said.

“Bye,” Brian said.

Chris stood before the closet, reaching for a shirt. Strong arms wrapped around him, and kisses warmed his naked shoulder. Howie’s voice was soft by his ear.

“If my attention were a spotlight,” Howie said, “it would be centered on you. It would shine on you all of the time, day and night. It would be very focused and very,” his hand slid up Chris’s chest while his tongue wet the back of Chris’s earlobe, “hot.”

Shirt forgotten, Chris turned in Howie’s arms. “You always have my spotlight.”

Howie smiled. “That’s why I don’t need everyone else’s.”

Joey took advantage of his own shower in his own home, then dressed. Home, secure, away from questions and uncertainties and Justin’s wavering insanity, it felt good to engage in an everyday ritual like shaving. He checked on the main guest room, with its private bathroom, and then unpacked and ran a load of laundry. It wasn’t long after that when the doorbell chimed.

Opening the door, Joey embraced JC. “Come in, make yourself comfortable.” Then he saw Lance.

Lance looked at him. Or maybe through him.

He hadn’t told Lance that Justin was coming back to town. He hadn’t told Lance that he was coming back to town. Now he didn’t know what to say.

“Invite me in, Joey,” Lance said with threadbare patience.

“Come in,” Joey said quickly. Just as he was letting Lance in and closing the door again, his mouth broke off all connection to his brain, and he asked, “Where’s AJ?”

“I don’t know,” Lance said. “Should we call? I left him at his house. He’s pissed off at you.”

“Me?” Joey asked. “For what?” He was pissed at AJ, but AJ had no reason to be mad back.

“We should talk about that,” JC said.

“What?” Joey asked.

“Upstairs?” JC asked, taking his second bag from Lance.

“Yeah,” Joey said, slightly distracted. JC went upstairs to the guest room. “Why are you spending time with AJ?” Joey asked Lance.

“We’re friends,” Lance said. “I don’t know how close we are, since he won’t let me fuck him, but we’re friends.”

“You’re having sex with him?!” Joey demanded.

“Not today,” Lance said. “We’re just friends. We understand each other.”

“After what he did to you?! How can you talk to him? How can you want to be his friend?” Joey hated it, hated all of it, everything about it. Lance going back to that, making friends, spending time, trusting…

JC came back down the stairs. “Let’s sit,” he said. They went into a room at the back of the house, settling on the sofa. Joey found himself in the middle. “Do you want to start?” JC asked Lance. He still had Justin’s hair with him.

“It’s not as big as JC’s making it sound,” Lance said. “I’ve been using. You know that. But maybe, lately, there’s been more of it, more of the time. It’s not a serious problem, but it’s probably a good idea to stop it before it becomes a serious problem.”

Lance had been in danger, and he hadn’t done anything. He’d known, and he hadn’t done anything. Things could have escalated. Lance might have become addicted. He hadn’t done anything.

“If you want to keep an eye on me for a little while, that’s all right,” Lance said. “It might help to keep me in line.”

“We didn’t see it, or we didn’t want to see it,” JC said. “AJ saw it immediately, right at the door.”

AJ had said something. AJ had done something. AJ had seen it, and taken action on it, before anyone else. Before he had. He put his hand on Lance’s knee, looking into Lance’s eyes. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine,” Lance said. “I wouldn’t mind a hit right now, but I’ll be okay.”

“Are you sure?” He didn’t want anything to happen to Lance. He couldn’t let anything happen to Lance. Not to Lance.

“I’m sure,” Lance said. “JC’s had a very rough day today. I’ve had an eventful day. How about we sit here and let the television numb our minds until we pass out?”

“I wish I could numb my brain,” JC said. “Every time I think, I think about…bad things.”

Joey put his arm around JC. “He’ll always love you. You know that. I saw it every day, every time I looked into his eyes.”

“Thank you, Joey,” JC said. “For taking care of him.”

Oh, hell, all of their good intentions had fucked up JC’s life, and here JC was thanking him. Thanking him for taking care of Justin, of all things. JC was an amazing friend, and Joey felt like shit. “I wish I’d done a better job,” he said. “I wanted to bring him home to you a lot more together than that.”

“Justin’s entirely bald?” Lance asked. “Not just semi-bald?”

“Yeah,” Joey said. “He wanted to shave his head to cement his commitment to changing. He just happened to change wrong.”

“I wish I knew where he was,” JC said. “Maybe we should go out to the house.”

“He can’t get in,” Joey said.

“Then where is he?”

“He has money, doesn’t he?” Lance asked. “Credit cards or something? He can get a hotel room. And he has other friends.”

“Do you want me to call him?” Joey asked.

“No,” JC said, but he was lying, and Lance handed Joey the phone from the table.

Joey dialed Justin’s cell phone. It rang, then went to voice mail. “Justin, it’s Joey. Just wondering where you’re staying, if we want to get in touch. Let me know.” He hung up.

“He’s not answering his phone,” JC said, worried.

“He’s probably avoiding calls because he doesn’t want us all to tell him how stupid he’s being,” Lance said.

“Believe me, I’d love to tell him that,” Joey said.

“Maybe we should go looking for him,” JC said.

“We wouldn’t know where to go,” Joey said. “This is a big city. He might not even be here. He was talking about going home to his mom.”

“I could find him,” JC said.

“Maybe you should let him go,” Joey said. “Tonight, anyway. Look, I don’t like not knowing where the hell he is, in his state of mind, but I’m tired of baby-sitting him. You coddled him, and now we’re all doing it. If he wants to act like a jackass, let him.”

“I don’t know what he’s thinking or feeling,” JC said. He looked away. “That terrifies me. I’ve never been so disconnected from him as I have been these last few days. I can’t feel him at all anymore. I reach out and there’s nothing there.”

“It’s just because you haven’t seen him,” Joey said. “One good conversation and you’ll know exactly what he’s thinking again.”

“He won’t even let me talk to him,” JC said.

“He will,” Joey said.

Nick was sprawled naked on the floor in the TV room, on his back in post-sex languor. Brian, sitting beside him, was feeding him grapes by hand.

“Drew’s coming home tomorrow,” Nick said.

“What did he want me to ask you?” Brian asked.

“If I’d suck his dick,” Nick said. “The answer is hell yes.”

“No, not that,” Brian said, giving him another grape to keep him occupied. “Something about touring. I told him he should come on tour with us, and he said something about… He said no, and he said I should ask you why not, because you’ve been dying to tell me.”

“Dying to tell you what?”

“Dying to tell me why Drew can’t come on tour with us.”

“I’d love for Drew to come on tour with us. I’d hide him in my bunk. I’d suck his dick for hours. If Kevin got irritated and started yelling, I’d make Drew start flexing or something. But Drew on - - oh, oh! Oh, yes, that. Damn. I can’t tell you about that. I’d rather show you.”

“Show me what?” Brian asked.

“The thing,” Nick said. “I’ll show you when Drew gets home. You’ll love it. If I explain it now, it won’t be as fun as if I show you.”

“I’m destined to live in suspense,” Brian said.

Joey flipped channels.

JC, tucked in against his right side, hugging the bottle, fell asleep.

Lance, leaning against his left side, was quiet and drowsy.

When the phone rang, Joey was quick to answer it, not wanting to disturb his guests. “Hello?” he asked quietly.

“How’s JC?” Chris asked.

“Sleepy.”

“That’s good. He barely slept two minutes the whole time Justin was gone.”

“I want to send him to bed, but I don’t want him to be alone.”

“Go with him.”

“Lance is here.”

“Kick Lance out.”

He couldn’t do that.

“Do you want me to come over?”

“No.” That wouldn’t have been fair to Chris or Howie.

“You know AJ’s back.”

“I heard.”

“The fucker.”

Joey agreed.

“Do you know where Justin is?”

“No,” Joey said. “We’re being very calm about it.”

“Have you called him?”

“Voice mail.”

“Bitch.”

Joey agreed.

“All we do is wait?” Chris asked.

“Yes,” Joey said. “Wait, and keep talking to his voice mail.”

“And on the voice mail, do we chew him out for being such a jackass, or do we express friendly concern?”

“Friendly concern,” Joey said. “We want to encourage him to feel welcome and supported.”

“I’m going to call him,” Chris said. “Let me know if you want me to come over.”

“We’ll be okay,” Joey said.

“It’s good to have you back, Joey,” Chris said.

Joey felt strangely touched by that. “It’s good to be home again. We should hang out tomorrow. Compare notes.”

“Compare battle scars,” Chris said.

“Did JC-”

“Not really. He tried to take out Brian, but Kevin stopped him.”

“Kevin?” There was a surprise.

“Cute little story,” Chris said. “I’ll come over tomorrow.”

“Great,” Joey said.

“Bye.”

“Bye.” Joey set down the phone. Lance’s head tucked in closer on his shoulder, close enough for him to feel the spikes of Lance’s hair against his neck.

Joey changed the channel a few times. His hand slid down Lance’s back and accidentally discovered bare skin. He intended to tug Lance’s shirt down, but his fingers were unaccountably fascinated with the sensation of Lance’s skin, and he found himself stroking the exposed strip with his fingertips, repeatedly.

Lance shifted closer to him.

Joey stilled his hand, covering the bare spot with the flat of his palm instead of pulling down Lance’s shirt. He wanted to keep Lance warm himself.

He flipped channels.

“What time is it?” JC mumbled against Joey’s shoulder.

“Late,” Joey said. That was a lie; it was still pretty early, but JC had passed out pretty hard, and Chris had said he hadn’t been sleeping, so Joey wanted him to go to bed. “You should get some sleep.”

JC made an indecisive noise.

“You want me to come with you?” Joey asked. He would, if JC needed him to.

“No,” JC said, pushing himself up. He ran his hands through his hair and stood slowly, still half asleep. “Good night.”

“Good night,” Joey said.

JC left the room.

It was one of the saddest, most depressing things Joey had ever witnessed. JC, rejected by Justin, resigned to it, going to bed alone. The fact that JC was carrying the remains of Justin’s haircut made it all the more pathetic.

He should go after JC. Stay with JC. Try to-

Lance’s voice, a low murmur, sex on Joey’s dick: “We’re alone.”

matthew@matthewtime.com
"Where You Belong" Part 44
"Where You Belong"
"Living"
RPS page
Home