Copyright April 2, 2002-October 6, 2003 by Matthew Haldeman-Time

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Thus far we've had JC/Justin, Nick/Drew/Brian, Nick/Jeff, Nick/Drew/Brian/Nick/Jeff, AJ/Lance, AJ/Howie, AJ/Kevin, Chris/Howie, and partridge/pear tree.

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashwriters.

Wherein Drew won't go behind Brian's back, AJ can screw anybody he wants, and could JC be mellowing?

Notice: First, read "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," "Rest in Peace," "Destiny," and "Together." I know it sounds like a lot, but it'll only take you an hour or two.

        “Good night,” Jeff said, wrapping a warm hand over his forearm.

        “Good night,” Nick said, and rubbed his nose over Jeff’s naked shoulder, thinking.  “I love you.”

        “Mmm,” Jeff said.

        Nick growled.  “That’s the third time you’ve done that.”

        “Done what?” Jeff asked.

        “I’ve said ‘I love you’ three times and you haven’t said it back.”

        “You’re keeping track?” Jeff asked.  “Nick, I know you love me.  You don’t have to say it that many times.”

        “I’m only saying it that many times because you’re not saying it!”

        “That doesn’t make sense,” Jeff said.

        “I’m not saying you have to say it every time I say it, but it might be nice if you said it once in a while.”

        “Wasn’t that my original point?”

        “You had a point?” Nick demanded.

        Jeff laughed.  “You know what my point was.”

        “Don’t play games with me,” Nick warned.

        “Why not?  I always win,” Jeff said.

        “Shut up,” Nick said, pushing him away and rolling over.

        “Oh, come on,” Jeff said, also rolling over, wrapping Nick up from behind.  “Just tell him you love him.  It’s easy, it’ll take five minutes, and I’ll make it up to you afterward.”

        “I never liked you,” Nick said.

        “Really?” Jeff asked.  “I’ve always loved you.”  He kissed Nick’s shoulder.

        “If it’s that simple, you do it,” Nick said.

        “Do what?  Tell Nick I love him?  Okay,” Jeff said.  “I’ll call him right now.”

        “No,” Nick said.  “Tell Brian.”

        Jeff froze.  Very calmly, he said, “Nick, you don’t want to ask me to do that.”

        “Yes, I do,” Nick said.  “If it’s that easy to call someone up and tell him you love him, then go ahead.”

        “Brian is going to hang up on me.”

        “Maybe he will.”

        “You want me to put myself out there like that, expose my heart to him, knowing I’ll be rejected?”

        “I’ve done it a dozen times, with Nick.”

        “What about my pride?” Jeff demanded.

        “Fine,” Nick said, rolling over, facing Jeff.  “Give me the phone.  I’ll do it.”

        “You’ll do what?”

        “Call Brian and tell him I love him.”

        “Over my dead body.”

        “Now what?!” Nick demanded, frustrated.

        “Brian hates me.  I will not have my husband calling him to say ‘I love you.’  Your first loyalty is to me, not to him.  I know that everyone loves Brian, it’s a whole Brian love festival, but stifle it,” Jeff said sharply, giving Nick a look.

        “And when I feel the exact same way about Nick, I get treated like I’m the jerk.”

        “You’re not the jerk.  You have issues, you took them out on Nick; Nick has issues, he took them out on you.  You’ve both been wronged, and you’ve both done wrong.  I’m sorry for the times that it seemed like I was siding with Nick against you.  I can be rougher with you than I am with him because I think that you can take it, and sometimes he needs a more delicate touch.  But that’s not fair.”

        “Thank you,” Nick said, mollified.

        “But this thing with Brian…  I’d like to get over it, I think we’d all like to get past it, but he won’t let it go.  We’re all suffering for it, but I don’t mind saying he’s making me suffer the most.”

        “I have issues that I took out on Nick.  Maybe he has issues he’s taking out on you.”

        “Brian doesn’t have issues,” Jeff said.  “Brian’s perfect.”

        “No one’s perfect,” Nick said.  He smiled, kissing Jeff.  “Except you.”

        Jeff laughed.  “Thanks for noticing.”

        “I love you,” Nick said, kissing him again.

        “I love you back,” Jeff said, sliding his leg between Nick’s.  “I wasn’t sure, but I thought,” kiss, “that we were arguing.”

        “Who cares?  This is better,” Nick said, pulling Jeff’s hips against his.

        “The Matrix,” JC said, getting comfortable.

        “No, what’s your favorite movie?” Nick asked.

        “The…Matrix,” JC said, faltering.  “I…  I don’t know.”  He looked confused.

        “Fight Club,” Chris said.

        “Is it?” JC asked, unsure.

        “Yes,” Chris said.

        “That sounds right,” Nick said, finding it on the shelf.  “We’ll watch it.”  He started the DVD.  “I guess you’re taking Howie,” he said to Chris.  “That leaves me with JC.  Scootch over, princess.”

        Chris sat primly at Howie’s side.  “Some of us know how to keep our hands to ourselves.”

        “Where’s the fun in that?” Nick asked, sprawling out, leaning back against JC’s side.

        It should have been great.  He had the entire bed to himself.  He didn’t have to share the covers, or share a pillow, or share skin.  The bed was all his, and he didn’t have to conform to anyone else’s sleeping position.

        He rolled over, pushing off the sheet.

        When it came right down to it, sleeping with JC sucked.  It was like sleeping with a fucking leech.  No elbow room, no breathing room, nothing but JC pressing against him and wrapped around him and basically smothering him to death.  JC’s body would be against him, completely naked, hands all over him, breath slow and warm against his skin.  He couldn’t roll over without JC moving with him.  If he shifted, he’d get a murmured, “Mmm, baby,” as JC accomodated him.  Like just the fact that his skin was brushing against JC’s was noteworthy.

        And if he woke up, JC would wake up, too.

        Alone time was an ancient memory for Justin.  He barely knew what the hell “alone” meant anymore.  JC was there for every waking minute.  If JC wasn’t right there at his side, JC was watching him.  Watching.  Watching.  It was like being freaking stalked.

        He’d get time away from JC if he went out, clubbing or shopping or playing basketball or something.  Or if JC went out and left him behind.  It was weird, how he could leave, and JC would be fine, just giving him a kiss and letting him go.  But then when he came back, JC would crawl up on him and make out with him for a good half hour.  For a while there, he’d gotten a hard-on every time he got within five minutes of their apartment, in anticipation of JC’s welcome.

        JC had had him so brainwashed, so programmed, how could he have missed it?

        That was over now.  He was wiser.  He wasn’t playing JC’s games anymore.  He wasn’t going to be manipulated.  He wasn’t going to be enslaved.

        Now if only he could get some fucking sleep, he’d be fine.

        Howie stirred, tucking his feet up behind him.

        Chris wanted to get another drink, but he didn’t want to leave Howie.

        “Do you want Brad Pitt?” Nick asked JC.

        “I don’t even know him,” JC said.

        “This whole noticing other guys besides Justin thing is really limited, isn’t it?” Nick asked.

        “All I said was that Howie’s gorgeous,” JC said.

        “And Brad Pitt’s ugly?” Nick asked.

        “No, he’s…  I don’t know him,” JC said.  “It’s not the same.”

        “You’re nuts,” Nick said.  “You’re crazy.  So, what, there’s Chris, you’ve known him for years, he’s decent, right?”

        “I love Chris,” JC said.

        “What about Lance?”

        “I love Lance,” JC said, and Chris could imagine JC’s quizzical smile-frown without looking.

        “What about me, then?” Nick demanded, frustrated.

        “What about you?” JC asked, honestly confused.

        “I give up,” Nick said.  “Just watch the movie.”

        Howie sat up straighter, pushing himself upright with his hand on Chris’s thigh.  He started to lean forward like he was about to rise.  “Wait, where are you going?” Chris whispered.

        “Get something to drink,” Howie said.

        “No, I’ll get it,” Chris said.  “Stay here.”

        “Thanks,” Howie said, sinking back.

        Chris ducked in for a half-second nuzzle; Howie chuckled; Chris got up, gathering glasses.

        “Where are you going?” Nick asked.

        “To the kitchen,” Chris said.  “To draw up battle plans in case the Huns invade.”

        “Great,” Nick said.  “Get me another drink while you’re in there.”

        Chris snatched the glass from Nick’s hand.  “Anything else, Your Majesty?”

        “I wouldn’t mind some chips or something,” Nick said.  “JC, what about you?”

        “No, thanks, I’m fine,” JC said.

        “Okay, great, hop to it,” Nick said to Chris.

        Grumbling, wishing he were curled up alone with Howie instead of running errands for Nick, Chris went to the kitchen.  Finding more soda in the refrigerator, he wondered whether to spit in Nick’s drink, or just empty the saltshaker into it.  On his way back with the glasses, the doorbell chimed.

        “Can you get that?” Nick asked.

        “This is your house,” Chris said, handing Howie a drink.

        “I’m comfortable, and you’re up,” Nick reasoned.

        Chris passed Nick a glass as the doorbell rang again.  “I hope it’s the police coming to arrest you for being a self-centered-”

        “Chris,” Howie said.

        “The door?” Nick reminded him, taking a sip.

        “I spat in that,” Chris said on his way out of the room.  He heard Nick gagging and JC laughing as he walked down the hallway.  Almost all of the lights were off, and it was a sad thing that he knew his way around Nick Carter’s home in the dark.  He put his hand out for the doorknob, but it was already turning, so he stepped back.  It was probably Kevin, although it was possible that it might be a home-invading killer burglar.

        Or AJ.  Chris stared so hard his eyes hurt.

        AJ closed the door.  “Where’s Howie?”

        “You’re here?” Chris asked.

        “I have to talk to him.”

        “What, no exchange of pleasantries?”

        “Howie!” AJ shouted, starting down the hallway like he owned the place.

        “AJ?” Nick called.

        Chris hurried after AJ.  He didn’t like this, not any of it.  He didn’t like AJ showing up.  He didn’t like AJ showing up demanding to see Howie, even though it seemed like more of a “show your face, you dirty coward” thing than a “oh, darling, how I’ve missed you” thing.

        AJ hit the light switches, brightening the room.  “What the hell were you thinking?!” he shouted at Howie.

        “You’re back!” Nick said, getting up.  “And you’re mad,” he added.  “What’s going on?”

        “You do not interfere in my personal life!” AJ told Howie.  “You do not have the right!”

        “What happened?” Howie asked, rising, concerned but still calm.

        “What I want to do and when I want to do it, that’s for me to decide!  Not you!”

        “You weren’t making any decisions,” Howie said.

        “That’s why I wanted to see you!  You were supposed to help me!  Instead you betrayed me!”

        Chris looked at Howie.  This was new.  Howie had said something about AJ wanting to meet him, and Howie saying no, but this betrayal thing, that part was breaking news.

        “I did not betray you,” Howie said.

        “You set me up!” AJ shouted.  “If I were ready to see him again, I’d see him.  I told you I wasn’t ready!”

        “You were never going to be ready!” Howie said.  “You needed a push.”

        “Off a fucking cliff!” AJ yelled.  “At least you could have warned me!”

        “You would have run,” Howie said.  “You’ve been running for all of this time.  You need to grow up and face your decisions.”

        “You don’t tell me what I need,” AJ said sharply.  “You don’t tell me what I ‘would’ do.  You don’t know me well enough.”

        “I know you better than anyone!” Howie said.  “I’m the closest friend you have!”

        “If you were my friend you would trust me, and I would trust you,” AJ said.  “I can’t trust you ever again, and obviously you don’t trust me!”

        “I told you why I couldn’t come!  You need to respect that!”

        “Oh, because it’s not fair to Chris.  It might not look right to Chris.  Since when do you let anyone else run your life?”

        “It’s having a partner, AJ.  What I do affects someone else, and I have to be aware of that when I make decisions.”

        “If it weren’t for him, you never would have done this to me.”

        “If you hadn’t turned into a coward and a child, I never would have done this to you!”

        “You might want to go,” Nick said, pushing JC and Chris towards the door.

        “The hell I might,” Chris said, not budging.  “It just got good.”

        “Coward?!” AJ demanded.  “You can’t see your friends without asking him first!”

        “At least I have someone!  I sent Kevin right to you and where is he now, AJ?”

        “He didn’t like being manipulated, and neither did I!”

        “Manipulated?!  I did you a favor!”

        “A favor?!”

        “You’ve been running like a coward and crying like a woman and behaving like a child!  I can’t take one more day of you whining in my ear about not knowing what to do!  Just fucking go to him, AJ!  If he doesn’t take you back, get over it!  What in hell is so difficult?!” Howie shouted.

        “I don’t care what your self-centered smug-superior ass thinks of me!  You don’t judge me!  I make my own decisions!  You had no right!”

        “Someone had to do something!”

        “Me!  Me!  I had to do something!  Maybe even Kevin!  But not you!  You set us up!”

        “Neither one of you was doing anything!  I at least got you in the same building!  All I wanted was for you to see each other again!  Maybe talk!”

        “That wasn’t up to you!  I will see whoever I want to see whenever I want to see him!  You can’t push people together!”

        “That’s it, come on, out,” Nick said, pushing and pulling at JC and Chris.

        “No, let him stay!” AJ shouted.  “Let him see that his perfect lover is a perfect asshole!”

        “You’re a perfect coward!” Howie shouted back.  “When did you lose your balls, AJ?  Or did you ever have any to begin with?”

        “I don’t have balls?  That’s funny coming from the woman getting fucked by that every night!”

        For the record, Chris did not like being referred to as “that.”

        Howie stepped into AJ’s space.  “I will try to forgive you because I can see that you’re upset.  His name is Chris, and you’re going to respect it.  As for balls, AJ, you never had balls.  You never even had a dick.  You knew Kevin wanted you and you ran from it, you’ve been running since day one!”

        “I ran from Kevin?  Do you see him chasing after me now?”

        “Maybe he finally got some sense and lost interest!  No one would blame him for it.  You know, you had him fooled, AJ, you really had him fooled.  He was starting to believe that maybe you really were straight after all, maybe you’d never look at him that way because you would never look at any man.  And then you hooked up with Lance.  It was a slap in the face!  You were bi, you could be with men if you wanted; you just didn’t want Kevin.”

        “I still don’t,” AJ said.

        “You never loved Lance.”

        “I loved Lance!” AJ said vehemently.

        “You’ve never loved anyone but yourself!”

        “I don’t know about that,” AJ said tightly.  “I loved you once.”

        Howie didn’t flinch.

        Chris couldn’t take the tension.

        AJ wasn’t budging.

        “Maybe you did,” Howie said softly.  “Maybe you loved Lance.  But you will never love anyone like you love Kevin.  He deserves to know.”

        “Trust me,” AJ said, stepping back, “he deserves a lot more than that right now.”

        “What happened?” Howie asked, his hand on AJ’s chest.

        AJ sighed and ruffled the hair at the back of his head.  “I think I’m going to have to kill him.”

        “Now can you go?” Nick asked Chris.

        Chris crooked his finger; Nick leaned closer to listen.  “When he says he loved Howie once, what does he mean by that?” Chris whispered.

        “This is private,” JC said, tugging on Chris’s elbow.  “Let’s leave them to it.”

        “He doesn’t want to leave us alone,” AJ said, turning to face them.  “Chris doesn’t trust Howie.”

        “I don’t trust you,” Chris corrected, feeling both rational and irrational anger well up from within.

        “There was no psychiatrist, was there?” Nick asked.

        JC burst into laughter.

        “No, Nick, there was no psychiatrist,” AJ said with feigned patience.  “Howie sent Kevin to meet me.  He set both of us up because he’s a meddling woman.”

        “Tell AJ you’re sorry,” Nick said.

        “I’m sorry,” Howie said, and offered his hand.

        AJ shook his hand.  “I know you meant well, D., but it didn’t work out.”

        “Group hug,” Nick said, wrapping his arms around them and scooping them into an embrace.

        “Come on,” JC said, pulling Chris from the room.

        “Do you think they’ll be okay alone?” Chris worried, now in the hallway, being dragged backwards.

        “They’ll be fine,” JC said.  “They have some things to talk about.”

        “Like what?” Chris asked.  “Maybe we should go back and stay.  We could offer valuable advice.”

        “They can take care of it,” JC said.  “Let’s go to bed.”

        “I don’t want to sleep with you.  I want to sleep with Howie.”

        “Stay with me for a few minutes.  When Howie’s finished with AJ, he’ll come get you.”

        “Let’s go upstairs and sneak into Nick’s room,” Chris suggested.  “I can’t imagine what that bedroom looks like.”

        “It looks like a regular bedroom,” JC said.  “It’s just a little bigger than normal, with more furniture.”

        “It’s not a den of seduction?” Chris asked.

        “Can you imagine Drew living in a den of seduction?” JC asked.  “It’s a regular bedroom.”

        “What do you want your new bedroom in your new house to look like?” Chris asked.

        “I want mirrors,” JC said.  “Mirrors on the ceiling.  I want Justin to see himself.”

        “Kinky,” Chris said as they walked into the foyer.

        “I want a big bed,” JC said.  “I want plenty of room.”

        “How big is Nick’s bed?” Chris asked.

        “It’s big, but it’s not big enough,” JC said.  “He says there really isn’t enough room for all three of them to sleep comfortably without sleeping right up on each other, which he likes.”

        “What else is up there?” Chris asked.

        “The closet they have takes up an entire wall, but it’s not a walk-in.  They figured they’re casual guys, they only wear T-shirts and sneakers, so why would they need a walk-in?  They forgot how many T-shirts and sneakers they actually own.  So the closet is packed, and each one of them has a dresser that’s overflowing.  They put a lot of the overflow in the guest bedroom closet.”

        Chris grinned.  “Let’s go look.”

        “Chris-”

        “We’re allowed to go into the guest bedroom,” Chris said, starting up the stairs.  “If the closet door accidentally opens, is that my fault?”

        The letter JC had written to him.  It was out in the front room.

        He had to get rid of it.  Burn it.  Shred it.  Anything.

        Once he did that, he’d be able to sleep.  He was tossing and turning, uncomfortable and awake, because of that letter.  If he tore it up and flushed it down the toilet, he’d feel much better.

        How could he be expected to sleep with that hanging over his head?  What was JC trying to do, anyway, make him feel guilty?  He couldn’t be guilted into remaining married.  He wouldn’t be tricked and manipulated anymore!

        Justin got out of bed in his underwear and left his room.  Then he remembered that Joey was out there, keeping watch.  Probably making sure he didn’t escape.  Well, hell, it didn’t matter whether Joey saw him or not.  He wasn’t doing anything wrong.

        Justin rubbed his hands dry on the seat of his drawers and crept down the hallway.  Joey was on the couch, half sitting up, head back, fast asleep.  The letter was on top of the TV.

        A yard from the letter.  Joey was asleep.  Two feet from the letter.  Joey was asleep.  One foot.  Light snoring.  Six inches.  Sputter, cough, subside.  Three inches.  Deep asleep.  Justin’s fingers trembled.  Sound asleep.  He couldn’t do it, he couldn’t do it, he-

        “What are you doing?” Joey asked.

        He couldn’t do it!  Justin backed up, breathing hard, until he bumped into a chair.  He ran, down the hallway, into his bedroom, and slammed the door.  He threw himself onto the bed, rolling over, catching up the pillow and hugging it to his chest.

        It took him a long time to catch his breath.

        “Oops,” he said with a grin.

        “That’s a lot of clothes,” JC said, looking over the jam-packed rack.

        “That’s a lot of shoes,” Chris said, looking at the floor.  “And whatever could be in those mysterious boxes?” he asked, seeing the shelf over the rack.

        “The one that’s labelled ‘high school misc.’ probably has high school stuff in it,” JC said.  “The one that’s labelled ‘old pictures’ probably has old pictures in it.”

        “Pictures of what?” Chris wondered.

        “You’ll never know,” JC said, patting his back.

        “Look at all of this,” Chris said, turning his attention to the clothes.  “Excuse me,” he said, tripping over a sneaker.  “That’s Nick’s,” he determined, kicking it aside.  “No self-respecting person would have feet that big.”

        “Justin-”

        “I know, Justin has enormous feet.  I don’t know how he dances without tripping over himself.  What is this?” Chris asked, lifting a hanger, holding up an ankle-length black leather coat.  “God, it’s bigger than I am.  It’s heavier than I am.”

        “That’s Nick’s,” JC said.  “He has two or three of them.”

        “How many animals died to make this?” Chris asked.  “A simple pair of shoes, that’s animal murder I can be comfortable with.  This was some kind of massacre.  Put it on.”

        “It would look ridiculous on me,” JC said.  “I’m not as broad as Nick is.”

        “This would make a nice tent for a small village,” Chris said.  “Hold it for me.”

        “It is heavy,” JC said, surprised, taking it from him.

        “I told you,” Chris said.  “Hey, this is a nice suit.  I wonder if it would fit me.”  He flipped a few hangers.  “Grown men really don’t wear enough mesh,” he decided, drawing forth a black mesh sleeveless shirt.  “I’m guessing this isn’t Brian’s.  What do you think, Drew or Nick?”

        “Drew,” JC guessed.

        “Oh, pants that zip up the sides,” Chris said.  “You want them?”

        “This isn’t a garage sale,” JC said.

        “Hey, this pair laces at the crotch.  Come on, I know you want them.”

        “What size are they?” JC asked.

        “What are you doing?” Nick asked, lounging in the doorway, arms crossed, one eyebrow quirked.

        “Nothing,” Chris said, not even pausing in his search.  “Maybe you can tell me who owns this sexy little thing,” he added, holding out a white sleeveless T-shirt with slashes cut out in the front and back.

        “That’s Drew’s,” Nick said.  “He got it from a photo shoot or something.”

        “And this?” Chris asked, holding out a shirt with Nick on the front and tour dates on the back.

        “That’s Brian’s,” Nick said.  “God, I look funny.”

        Chris snorted and put back the shirt.

        “Chris wants to see you wear this,” JC said, handing Nick the leather coat.

        “No, I want to see a small village wear it,” Chris said.

        Nick pulled it on, adjusting the collar.  The coat fit perfectly, broad across Nick’s back, falling to his ankles.  Even though he was barefoot in jeans and a T-shirt, he looked great; and suddenly, he was a lot less Howie’s irritating friend and a lot more celebrity.

        “Who organized this closet?” Chris asked, talking to prevent himself from having any thoughts disloyal to Howie.  “There’s a set of T-shirts fans made beside a full tuxedo beside something very sparkly and shiny.”  He pulled out a shimmering, sequined silver shirt.  “This is not Brian’s.”

        “Looks like something JC would wear,” Nick said.  “Must be Drew’s.”

        “Hey,” Howie said gently, squeezing past Nick in the doorway, coming to Chris, who found himself the recipient of some very intimate kisses.  “AJ wants to spend the night,” Howie said to Nick.

        “Don’t look at me, you know I’m cool with it,” Nick said.  “Ask him.”

        “Him,” of course, was Chris.  “He’s your friend,” he said to Nick.  “It’s your house.”

        “Then he’s staying,” Nick said.

        “Why don’t you wear these pants?” Howie asked Nick, tugging free a pair of black leather pants with silver streaks up the calf.

        “They’re gay boy pants,” Nick said.

        “You’re gay,” Chris whispered.

        “They don’t fit, anyway.”

        “Your pants are always too big for you,” Howie said.  “You’ll never try anything tighter.”

        “Maybe I don’t want to show my ass off,” Nick said, and smacked JC’s.

        “Maybe you should,” Howie said, as JC rubbed his injured butt.

        “You have a gorgeous ass,” AJ said, lounging just behind Nick, just outside the door.  “And those thighs.  Give a man something to hold onto.”

        “You’ll never know,” Nick said.

        “I don’t know,” AJ said.  “Brian and Drew are out of town…”

        Nick kissed AJ’s cheek.  “Not if you paid me.”  He stripped out of his coat, handing it to Chris, who mock-staggered under its weight.  “We have to get up early to start moving JC’s stuff into his new house, and it’s ass-late now, so everybody go to bed.”  He tucked his arm around JC’s waist.  “Come on, princess, it’s you and me.”

        Brian went down on his knees, closing his eyes, taking slow, even breaths.  This was ridiculous.  He shouldn’t be this horny.  But Drew was, he knew Drew was, and maybe that was rubbing off on him.

        He could picture Drew, alone in a hotel bed, asleep.  Drew only slept naked with them; away from them, Drew would be wearing underwear to bed.  Soft cotton cradling glorious treasure.  Compact, muscular body at rest.  Soft, brown lashes against his cheek.  Brian wanted to crawl into bed with him, kiss the fuzz of stubble on his chin, whisper private sexual secrets into his ears, and cup the soft mass of Drew’s genitals through his underwear.

        Drew would waken.  Waken and fuck him, pushing forceful and deep into his body, taking him over, holding nothing back, exposing him to the core and making love to him there.

        Brian groaned, forcing himself to his feet.  He had to get a grip.  He was being ridiculous.  He hadn’t been fucked since he’d last seen Drew, either, which was apparently driving his body nuts.  Maybe when he got home tomorrow, Nick would take care of that for him.  He could make love to Nick over and over again, but if he wasn’t being entered in return, something would always be missing.  Nick had been holding back, leaving that to Drew, but Brian didn’t want to wait.  No matter what he did with Nick, he could do the exact same act with Drew, and have it be meaningful and new again.  The acts themselves didn’t matter, in that respect; the people mattered.

        He wondered what Nick was doing.  Hanging out with JC, maybe sleeping with JC by now.  Brian envied JC tonight.  Sleeping wrapped in Nick’s arms, warmed by Nick’s heat, held against Nick’s body…  Sleeping with Nick was a rich experience.  Brian never slept as well, anywhere else, as he did when he was with Nick.

        Masturbation!  That was it!  He pushed his hand down the front of his boxers and fondled himself, letting his mind spin out over the possibilities.  He could make up someone, or pick someone, or go back to his old Britney standby.  Choices, choices.  He palmed his balls, wondering.  Women.  Lush, soft curves.  Long, curling hair.  So soft outside, so wet inside, so-

        Justin gave his dick a firm stroke.  Nothing.  It had no interest.  He tried again, licking his hand first and then rubbing his dick.  Nothing.  No participation.

        Frustrated, scared, Justin had no idea what to do.  His dick didn’t work.  What the hell was he, impotent?  His dick had to work!  It had to be the situation.  The situation was getting to him.  He’d been brainwashed and manipulated and used for years by JC, and now he was being held hostage, and his body was confused.  That was it.  That was all.

        Once he was free, he’d be fine.  Tomorrow, when he was out and alive and in control of his own life again, everything would come together.

        He had nothing to worry about.

        Nothing to worry about.

        Everything was fine.

        Everything was going great.

        He sat on his hands to make them stop shaking.

        Howie came in from the bathroom, lowering the lights, and knelt in front of him.  Even this didn’t make perfect sense, but it was an escape and it felt good, so Chris kissed Howie’s mouth, giving Howie his tongue, pushing the robe off Howie’s shoulders.  Naked, Howie massaged his shoulders, kissing a slow, determined path down his chest, down, down to oh god, Chris got rock-hard so fast his head spun.  Then Howie’s hands were there, drawing him out of his underwear, and Chris put one hand back for balance, body tensing.

        “Relax,” Howie said, and licked the head of his dick.

        Chris managed a “hnngh” sound and dropped back on the mattress, arms spread, hooking his ankles together at the small of Howie’s back.

        Howie chuckled and starting…sucking.

        Chris hoped that he was a good lover, but he wasn’t a very demanding one.  What felt good, felt good, and when things felt good enough, he was a very happy man.  Being in Howie’s mouth felt good.  Being down Howie’s throat felt even better, and when Howie started humming, that hit Chris’s limit.  He came, and everything was bliss, and lights and colors danced in harmony.

        Howie climbed on top of him.  There was a light brush of hair against his cheek, and then Howie was kissing him, lips still wet with his cum.  He ran his hands down Howie’s back, guiding Howie against his body, feeling the firm press of Howie’s erection at his stomach.

        “What’s wrong?” Howie asked, still kissing him.

        Wrong?  What could be wrong?  He’d come in Howie’s mouth, he had Howie naked in bed with him, Howie kissed like no one else, and something could be wrong?

        “Chris,” Howie said.  “What’s wrong?”

        Less chatter, more kiss action.  Chris was fascinated by the sleek stroke of Howie’s tongue.

        Howie lifted his head.  “Chris.”

        Chris opened his eyes, confused.  What was this deal with talking?

        “What’s wrong?” Howie asked.

        “What happened to the kissing?”

        Howie kissed him.  “We’ll get back to it in a minute.  What’s wrong?”

        “You want to talk?” Chris asked, not believing it.

        “Something’s bothering you.  It could be a lot of things.  I want you to tell me about it.”

        Chris came out with it.  “You don’t think AJ ever loved Lance.”

        Howie layered his hands on Chris’s chest, propping his chin there.  “I wouldn’t say he didn’t love Lance at all, in any way.  But whatever kind of feeling it was, I knew it wasn’t real love, and I knew it wouldn’t last.”

        “What makes you the authority?”

        “I know AJ.”

        “All this time we were running around hoping that AJ would come back and save Lance from himself, you couldn’t have said something?”

        “Maybe AJ can help Lance, as a friend.  But it wasn’t my place.  AJ’s decisions are his own, and he asked me to be quiet.  I couldn’t break AJ’s confidence.”

        “AJ never loved him?”

        “And you’re angry at me,” Howie said, realizing, puzzled.  “I don’t understand.”

        “AJ acted like he was in love, he said he was in love, he had us all pretty convinced.  He sure as hell had Lance convinced.  I know I believed it.  But it wasn’t real love, he was in love with Kevin all along, he just didn’t tell Lance about that.  What am I supposed to get from this, exactly?”

        “AJ’s confused,” Howie said.

        “What if you’re confused?”

        “What?”

        “What if you’re confused, and you think you’re in love with me, but the people who really know you, like Brian maybe, he’s over there shaking his head knowing it’s not going to work out.”

        “It’s not like that,” Howie said.  “I’m not AJ.  You know that I love you.”

        “AJ probably thought he was in love with Lance.”

        “He did,” Howie said.  “He probably was, in some way.  Lance will always be special to him.”

        “Oh, there’s a nice consolation prize.”

        Howie rolled off of Chris, sitting up, pulling the sheet over his lap.  “What’s wrong?  You know I love you.  You know we’re not Lance and AJ.”

        “AJ said he loved you.”

        “He had a crush on me a few years ago.  It was flattering, but I knew it wasn’t going to develop into anything more serious.  It was natural.  He was repressing his bisexuality for his career, we were close; I was a safe outlet for his feelings.”

        “So it didn’t come as much of a surprise when you jumped into bed together later.”

        Howie gathered up a fistful of sheet.  “Do we really want to get into that now?”

        “You must have wanted him back.”

        “Not enough to do anything.  I didn’t think that fleeting sexual urges, on his part or mine, were worth the friendships and careers that we were putting at risk.  And I respected Kevin’s feelings.”

        “What changed, later?”

        “Chris, I don’t want to talk about that.  Not when you’re already mad.”

        “Mad?  Do I seem mad?  Too bad; I was practicing the Howie Dorough Technique.  It makes you come across as calm and polite through anything and everything, so no one ever knows what the hell you’re thinking!”

        “I don’t think that raising my voice and getting angry is going to help anything.”

        “You got mad with AJ tonight.  How nice for him to be able to get a reaction out of you when I have to work my ass off for one!”

        “What I remember from tonight is that I only truly started fighting and striking back when AJ started to show you disrespect.”

        “I hate him.”

        “You’re taking out your feelings for me on him.  That’s not fair,” Howie said with a sigh, leaning back on one elbow.  “Chris, I love you,” he rubbed his eyes, “but I’m really not enjoying having this between us.”

        Chris drew the sheet down, off of Howie’s body; Howie’s grasp relaxed to let him.  He straddled Howie, pushing Howie down flat on the bed.  “I don’t, either.”

        “What are we going to do?” Howie asked, reaching up and rubbing a gentle thumb over the worry spot between Chris’s eyes.  “What can I do?”

        “Kill AJ?”

        “Not good for my career,” Howie said.

        “Kill Lance?”

        “Not good for your career.”

        “Have sex?”

        “Not meaningful, long-term.”

        Chris rubbed his hand up the side of Howie’s thigh, then down again.  “I don’t know about that.”

        Howie angled for a kiss, pressing his lips to Chris’s.  “We might as well try.”

        Chris dropped his forehead to Howie’s shoulder.  “Howie?”

        “Chris?” Howie asked, stroking a soothing hand between his shoulder blades.

        “I’m not really mad at you.  You’re fine.  It’s just AJ showing up here.  He gives me a complex.”

        “Ignore him.”

        “Easier said than done.”

        “Chris.  My love.”  Howie kissed his hair.  “AJ is my best friend, but you’re a whole lot more.  Compare your feelings for me to your feelings for JC.”

        “That’s not the same.  JC and I never had sex.  I’m pretty sure he never had a crush on me, either.”

        “He’s your friend.  Your close friend, your best friend, but only your friend.  AJ is the same way for me.”

        “Your friend you have sex with.”

        “Had sex with,” Howie clarified.  “It wasn’t about the sex.  It was about the companionship.”

        “When JC’s out of the room for too long and Justin leans against me, that’s about companionship.  If Justin fucked me, that would be about something a little larger than companionship.”

        “I’m sexually active.  I don’t pick up someone in every city, but I’m also not used to being celibate.  You dropped out of communication.  My sexual needs weren’t being met, and neither were my emotional needs.  I turned to AJ, as my friend.  He helped me, and I helped him.  It made me feel close to someone again, when you were pushing me away.  It was wrong, and it wasn’t your fault, but that’s what happened.  Chris, I’ve never had a long-term, serious relationship with someone who couldn’t come on tour with me, or meet me in one city here, one city there.  Even when you have a day off, we’re so far apart, by the time you fly out to meet me, you only have thirty minutes before you have to go back.  It was too new to me.  I didn’t know how to deal with that.  I missed you, Chris, and you wouldn’t even answer your phone.”

        “Did he…  Did you…”  Chris couldn’t say it.

        “You don’t want to know that,” Howie said, sitting up, taking Chris’s face in his hands.  “That won’t make you feel any better.”

        “Did…”

        “It doesn’t matter,” Howie said.  “Knowing that won’t help.  Chris, my Chris.”  He put a gentle kiss to Chris’s lips.  “My love.  I’m sorry that I did this to you.  I’m sorry for hurting you.  I’m sorry for everything you’ve lost.”

        Chris kissed him, a hand on the side of his neck.

        “I love you,” Howie whispered.

        Chris felt twings and pangs inside.  “I love you,” he said, and his heart felt lighter.

        “Fuck.”

        He couldn’t sleep.

        Maybe he’d get something to eat.  Harass Joey.  Watch TV.  Go see…

        …Brian.

        Justin felt a slow grin steal over his face.  Brian.  Brian with the light blue eyes and cheekbones for days.  Brian with the-

        Justin shook his head.  What was he thinking?  Justin was off men, indefinitely; and Brian was married.

        Drew was out of town.  Nick was back home.  Brian had to be lonely.  What people didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them.  Besides, there was nothing wrong with being…friendly.  Brian was very friendly.  Justin could simply be friendly back.

        He was embarking on a new life.  He could have anyone he wanted.  Anyone.  It was time to prove that.  It would be a big way to show his independence.  No one would ever believe he was moving on from JC if he wasn’t out there screwing.

        He was going home tomorrow, so he had to do it tonight.  His choices were Joey and Brian.  His straight best friend, or an attractive, friendly bisexual who touched him when they talked?

        Why?  He didn’t want to go home.  He didn’t want to face a dark, empty house.  He was tired of being alone.

        He’d go home tomorrow.  Unpack, take care of business, check on the place.  And then?  Then, he’d go see Kevin.

        He wanted to see Lance, too.  He wasn’t sure how that would go, but he wanted to make the effort.

        AJ pushed at his lip ring with his tongue.  The other guys…  Howie was pushing.  He needed to be pushed, but he resented the hell out of it anyway.  Nick was going to let him do his own thing, because Nick believed in letting people make their own mistakes.  That was probably because Nick wanted the freedom to make his own mistakes, but always had too many overprotective people around him telling him what to do.  AJ understood that.  Brian, Brian was going to side with Kevin.  That was going to suck.  AJ didn’t want to have to get into it with Brian.

        Kevin…

        AJ dialed.

        “Hello?”

        AJ held his breath, listening.

        “Go to hell.”  Kevin hung up the phone.

        AJ resisted the urge to dial again, forcing himself to walk away from the phone.

        He’d been sought for so long, longed after, yearned for…  He’d been the object of a very deep, long-held, perfectly controlled, silent obsession.  For years.  He’d taken it for granted.  Now?  Now he was finding himself chasing after Kevin like some kind of crazy stalker, sending anonymous flowers, calling at all hours of the night.

        Maybe the problem was, he’d needed Kevin to want him, and now that Kevin was less interested, he was flipping.  That, he had no right to do.

        Kevin had fucked him.  He hadn’t been with Kevin in too long.  He’d almost forgotten how strongly his body responded to Kevin’s every touch.  Kevin turned him into this fucking, bucking, wanton thing.  With one look, Kevin could make his blood run so hot it boiled.  No one else had ever done that to him.

        Another room, another phone.  AJ dialed.

        “Fuck off.”  Click.

        AJ hung up, then ran his fingers over the buttons.  Maybe just one more call…

        “I can’t sleep,” Justin said.  “Would you mind if I tried here?”

        “No, it’s okay,” Brian said, scooting over to make room.  “You’ve been up all of this time?”

        “Yeah,” Justin said, getting in beside him.  “Brian?”

        “Hmm?” Brian asked, rolling onto his side, adjusting his pillow.  He looked at Justin, and seeing Justin thin, exhausted, hollow-eyed, and tormented, moved him.  He stroked Justin’s bald head.  “Why can’t you sleep?”

        “I don’t know.  Do you miss Drew?”

        “Yes, I do,” Brian said.  “Very much, every day.”

        “It has to be hard for you.”

        “I think it’s harder for him, so that keeps me from feeling sorry for myself,” Brian said with a small smile.  He ran his thumb over Justin’s temple and withdrew his hand.

        “I remember when you were on the tour, and you had to go to bed alone every night, and I knew you were lonely.  I wanted to do something to help you.”

        “I suffered through it,” Brian said lightly.  “I knew I’d get home to Nick and Drew sooner or later.”

        “I can help you now,” Justin said, and suddenly, Justin was too close, eyes closing, lips-

        Brian jerked back before Justin made contact, his hand on Justin’s chest.  “No,” he said firmly, stifling shock to make his point.  “No.  I know you’re confused, and we can talk about that in a minute, but no.  I am married to Drew, I am engaged to Nick.  I’m asking you to respect that.  All right?”

        “They’re not here,” Justin said.  “It’s just one night.  They don’t have to know.”

        “No,” Brian said, leaving the bed.  “I like you, Justin, and I want to be your friend, but this is not going to happen.  This is an insult to me, and to Drew, and to Nick.  And to JC.  Like it or not, you’re still married.”

        “Fuck you,” Justin said, rolling over and getting out of bed.  “Fuck you and your self-righteous bullshit.”  He slammed the door.

        Brian shook his head, sighing.  Damn it.  This was the last thing anyone needed.  He’d talk to Justin in the morning.

        What had Justin been thinking?  Maybe he’d just needed some comfort, and had been going about it the wrong way.  Maybe he was subconsciously looking for rejection?  Brian sat on the bed.  He was glad he’d realized Justin’s intention and pulled away in time.

        How could Justin do this to JC?  Either Justin was pushing as hard as he could to test the limits of JC’s love and see how much he could get away with, or he was destroying everything they’d built on purpose.

        “Yes, you do,” JC said, flat on his back, far against the edge of the mattress.

        “I only bite Brian and Drew,” Nick promised.  “I won’t bite you.”

        “It’s all right,” JC said.  “I’m fine here.”

        “I’m not going to come on to you.  I won’t cop a feel.  I don’t even want you.  I won’t hold you like you’re Brian or Drew, and I don’t expect you to hold me like I’m Justin.  I’m just offering, if you’re lonely, we can cosy up a little bit.”

        “I wouldn’t feel right.”

        “Okay.  It was just an offer.  But, if you’re worried, Brian’s okay with it.  He totally doesn’t mind at all.  You can even pretend I’m Joey.”

        JC laughed.

        “Kick me if I start taking up too much room,” Nick said, getting comfortable.  “It happens sometimes.”

        “Shit!”  Joey realized what the hell was happening, and shoved.  Justin landed on his ass on the floor.  Joey stared at him in horror.  “What the fuck are you doing?!”

        “Don’t tell me you didn’t want it!” Justin shouted.

        “I was fucking asleep!”

        “Felt pretty damned awake to me!”

        Joey wasn’t even close to being hard anymore.  “What the hell was that?!”

        “Fuck you,” Justin said, pushing himself to his feet.

        “Justin.  Justin!”  Joey reached out and grabbed his arm.  “Talk to me.  Why?”

        “I tried it with Brian and he wouldn’t let me get close enough.”

        “Brian?  He’s married!  Nick’s your friend!”

        “I have to do it with somebody!”

        “You have to have sex with somebody?  Right now?  What, are you ovulating?”

        “I have to…  Before I get home, before he, it’ll help me make a clean break.”

        “You want to cheat on JC so you’ll have an excuse to run?  So he’ll have a reason to let you go?”

        “No!  Yes.  Yes, maybe, sort of.  Let me suck your dick,” Justin said, dropping to his knees.  “I’m good, you know I’m good, it’ll-”

        “Justin, I know it would be a religious experience, but I wouldn’t do that with you for any amount of money in the world.  I can’t even believe you kissed me.  I’m going to confession tomorrow.  I’ll never be able to look JC in the eye again.”

        “It’ll be so good,” Justin promised.  “Just one.  JC never has to know.”

        “I’m not even tempted,” Joey said.  “Sorry.  I love you guys too much.”

        “Fuck you,” Justin said, turning away, sitting on the floor.  “Now what am I supposed to do?”

        “Face JC like a man instead of inventing excuses,” Joey said.

        “I can’t believe you and Brian both said no,” Justin said.  “I was so sure-”

        “That’s because JC never says no,” Joey said.  “You’ve never been turned down before.  It must be rough.  You have to remember, the world doesn’t treat you like JC treats you.  Out here in the world, people say no.  People are rude to you, they’re mean to you, they say shit to your face, they make you pay your own bills, they make you do your own laundry, it’s a rough place.  You don’t get everything you want right when you want it.  And you can’t get laid on command.  Believe me, I wish I could.”

        Justin touched his mouth.  “I forgot what kissing other people is like.”

        “Do you always kiss like that?” Joey asked.

        “Mmm, no,” Justin said.  “That’s one I do for JC.”

        “You developed other kissing styles for him?” Joey asked.

        “Sure,” Justin said.  “He taught me different ways he wants me to kiss him.  Then, depending on how he kisses me, I know how to kiss back.”

        “You’re kidding.”

        “You don’t teach girls how to do what you want?”

        “Yeah, if they suck at it.”

        Justin leaned back, relaxing.  “I’m going to be doing women.”

        “No men?” Joey asked.

        Justin shook his head.  “Just women.”

        “Damn,” Joey said.  “That sucks.  You’re practically a professional at gay sex by now.  All of those men out there, all of the orgasms you could give them, and you’re sticking to women.  That’s a tragedy for gay sex.”

        “I think they’ll be okay,” Justin said.  “They still have Nick.”

        “And JC,” Joey said.  “Once he’s let loose out there…  I can’t imagine it.  Being on tour with him?  JC and Lance out there, on tour, ripping through the world’s gay population one dick at a time.  I’m getting hotel rooms on different floors, so I won’t have to hear that every night.  We’ll see men staggering around, eyes glazed over, half-dressed, incapable of speech.  Yeah, that’s one of JC’s guys.”

        “He’s not that good,” Justin said.

        Joey couldn’t contain his laughter.

        JC didn’t know what was wrong with him.  He was lonely.  He was aching for physical affection, for a warm touch that would ease the void Justin had left.  He did like to be touched, something that Joey had learned early.  With Justin around, there was an abundance of physical comfort.  But now, without Justin, he was turning to other sources.

        He’d wrapped up with Chris in bed last night, and thought nothing of it.

        But Nick wasn’t Chris.  Chris was very sexually attractive, but his best friend.  Nick was also very sexually attractive, and also his best friend, but there was more.  Nick was extremely touchable, very willing to touch, and very sexual.

        JC and Nick had never tried anything sexual together.  He wasn’t even afraid of anything happening tonight.  He knew that Nick was very loyal to Drew and Brian, and would never take things too far with him.

        But he’d made promises to Justin.  Chris was Justin’s best friend, and no threat.  Justin might see Nick in another light.  He wasn’t worried about anything happening, but he was worried about Justin questioning his commitment.  If Justin ever suspected him of being unfaithful in any way, it would break his heart.  He’d given his life to proving himself to Justin, and if he were questioned…

        “You’re sending out stress vibes,” Nick muttered without opening his eyes.

        “Brian wouldn’t mind?”

        “Are you kidding?  If I thought Brian might mind, we wouldn’t be here.  I’m not hurting his feelings just to make you feel better.”

        JC smiled.  He should have known.  “All right.”

        “Spoon or cuddle?” Nick asked, opening his eyes.  “Cuddle.  I feel sorry for you, JC.”  Nick was stronger than he looked; he pulled JC to him, mingling their legs, tilting halfway forward, wrapping his arms around JC’s torso.  “You put out all of your energy taking care of Justin, and no one ever takes care of you.  You have to get Justin to do it.  Even Brian has Drew.”

        JC breathed in the soft scent of Nick’s fabric softener.  “I miss him.”

        “I know you do,” Nick said.  “It’s okay.”

        “What?”

        “He loves you.  He adores you.  You get treated like a prince.  But with other guys, when he doesn’t care about them, when it’s just sex, I wonder what he’ll be like.”

        Justin’s head came up, eyes dark and focused.

        “Use them and lose them?” Joey guessed.

        Justin’s chest heaved with sudden breath.  His fists clenched tightly.

        “There are guys out there would give their left nut to be with JC.  Once he figures that out, he can go through five a day.  He really could work on the fuck-‘em-and-go system.”

        “Car,” Justin said, standing.  “Get the keys.”

        “What?” Joey asked, startled.  “Now?”

        “We’re going now,” Justin said.

        “It’s the middle of the night!”

        “Now!” Justin shouted.

        “What the hell happened?” Joey asked.  “We’re leaving in the morning.  You can wait a few hours.  Why are you so excited about leaving right now?”

        “I have to see him now,” Justin said fiercely, “I have to tell him, there are things I have to say to him.”

        “Things like what?”

        “Private things!” Justin shouted.  “Where are the keys?”

        “We’re going in the morning,” Joey said.  “It’s a few hours.  He’s not going anywhere.”

       Justin went back to his room and slammed his door shut.

        “What the hell was that?” Joey asked the empty, dark room.

        “You must be excited,” JC said.

        “Like a motherfucker,” Nick agreed.

        “Oh,” JC said to himself.  “I don’t want to be in your way.  I’ll stay with Chris.”

        “We’ll work something out,” Nick said.  “Actually, I don’t know, there’s something I might need to tell you.”

        “What?” JC asked, curious.

        “There’s a good chance that Justin’s coming home tomorrow.”

        JC tensed and froze.

        “Breathe,” Nick said.  “Breathe, JC.”

        “Justin?” JC whispered.

        “Yes,” Nick said.  “Don’t get too excited.  I can’t promise you that it’ll be a fairy tale reunion.  Rumor has it, he’s being an asshole.”

        “Don’t say that,” JC said.  “I know he’s hurt and scared.  He’s just reacting.  He’s coming back?”

        “Yes.  Probably tomorrow.  We think it’s time for the two of you to start dealing with each other.  We want to help you, JC, really help you for once.  We’ll be there for you.  Don’t give in to him.”

        “Justin,” JC said.

        “Joey wants you to come and live with him.  Is that okay with you?”

        “That’s fine, but what about Justin?”

        “For the moment, we’re putting him with Kevin, but I can tell you now, that’s short-term.  We might have to interrupt Howie and Chris’s happy home, or else probably once Drew’s been here a few days, Brian will start wanting Justin here with us.”

        “Justin can stay with Joey. I’ll-”

        “I don’t think so.  I don’t want to speak for Joey, but it sounds like he’s sick of your boy.”

        “Justin’s been upset.”

        “Don’t make excuses for him.  That’s the first habit you have to break.  Justin is a grown man.  He does what he does.  He can stand up to the consequences of it.”

        “Justin.”

        “I guess you’re looking forward to seeing him,” Nick said.

        “Like a motherfucker,” JC said, on cue.  Nick laughed.

        That had been his JC, the JC he’d loved, the one he’d lived and cried for.  The one the universe spun around.  The one he’d given his body to, the one to whom he would have given all of himself, everything.

        He belonged to JC, he alone.  No one else would ever have that right.  JC had autographed him, signed his body.  JC had fucked him, used him.  Only him.  No one else, ever.

        He’d been denied that JC.  JC had been taken away from him.  If he couldn’t have JC, no one else could, no one, ever.

        In fact, they couldn’t have any JC, any JC at all.  Not that JC, and not his JC.  No JC.  JC was his, and his alone.  Loyal to him.  Reserved exclusively for him.  Only he had rights to JC’s body.  JC had told him so, had promised, over and over again.

        JC was his.  Everybody else could fucking go to hell.  They would never, never, ever, touch JC.

        He’d kill them first.

        Chris moaned and rolled onto his stomach, burying his face in the pillow.  “Mercy,” he said, a muffled plea.

        Howie rolled with him, on top of him now, licking at his spine.  The hand that was trapped beneath Chris snuck over a few inches to crawl between Chris’s thighs and caress his arousal.

        “I can’t do this, I can’t, can’t, god, Howie, stop making everything feel good,” Chris insisted, groaning softly.  “We already had sex.  Roll over and go to sleep.”

        “One more,” Howie breathed against his neck, kissing his nape.

        “That’s what you said five hours ago.”

        Howie laughed.  “You’re making that up.”

        “That’s what it feels like,” Chris said.

        “I just want to do one more thing,” Howie said, kissing his shoulder.

        “What thing?” Chris asked.

        “Just wait and see,” Howie said.  “Oh, and tell me if it hurts.”

        “That’s not funny,” Chris said, alarmed.

        Howie laughed and went back to licking his spine.  That part felt good.  Odd trickles of feel-good electricity vibrated through Chris from each licked spot as Howie travelled down, down, down…

        Chris tensed.  It wasn’t, Howie wouldn’t, he’d never, panic, panic.

        Howie’s hand slid out from beneath Chris, letting go of his erection.

        Thank god.  Maybe that meant it was over.

        Howie spread Chris’s thighs further and kissed slowly, promisingly, wetly, down over his ass.

        Chris fisted his hands in the pillow.

        Soft flutter of Howie’s tongue.

        Chris bit the pillow.

        Howie made a sound, a brief humming sound, a light “hmm,” as in, “Hmm, that’s interesting.”  Chris didn’t like that sound being made anywhere near his ass, but Howie kept going, licking at him lightly, testing, then a little more firmly.

        It felt good, it really did, and the harder Howie licked, the more Chris wanted it.  He was still biting the pillow, but he was also making these odd moaning sounds that kept welling up every time Howie’s tongue fluttered.  Or flickered.  Or fucked.

        Fucking, yes, this was starting to feel like fucking. Something had changed, and Howie’s tongue was doing very, very bad things that felt very, very good, and Howie made a noise, a quiet, primal, greedy noise, the noise he sometimes made when he took Chris’s dick down his throat.

        Chris pushed his hips into the mattress.  He shifted back one millimeter, then forward two, trying to get some kind of friction on his too-hard cock.  What Howie was doing felt too good, and Chris was still moaning around the pillow, and he hitched his hips again, rubbing the head of his dick against the sheets.  He couldn’t take it, he couldn’t, and he started to reach his hand under himself.

        Just like that, Howie flipped him over.  He brought the pillow with him, clutching it with two hands again, jamming a new corner into his mouth.  Howie swallowed his dick, sucking it down until Chris wanted to cry it felt so good, at the same time pushing two fingers inside him, finally completing that fucking sensation.  There was suction on his dick and fucking against his prostate and the too-fantastic memory of Howie’s tongue in his ass and one final erotic rush and Chris came, biting down on the pillow as he screamed.

        Oh, god.  Oh god, oh god.  Chris kept his eyes closed, feeling the shame wash through him.  That hadn’t been right, it had been oh-so-very wrong, and he wanted to disappear.  If he’d ever had the ability to turn invisible, he would have done it right then.

        Slow, light, sucking kisses across his chest.

        He could still feel it, the memory of it, an echo of Howie’s mouth, Howie’s tongue, the sensation…

        A tug at the pillow.  He didn’t want to let go.  A firmer tug, a smack at his hand, and he relinquished the pillow, letting Howie take it from him.  Howie kissed up the side of his neck and along his jaw, then snuggled in half beside him, half still on top of him.

        Chris warily opened his eyes.

        Howie was dropping off to sleep.

        Chris closed his eyes again.

        That settled it.

        Screw everybody.

        He was so asking Howie to bear his children.

        Home.

        Tomorrow.

        Justin.

        Justin, beautiful Justin, his baby.  His miracle.  Home.  With him again.  Even if they couldn’t be together as they had been, he’d still be able to see Justin, to speak.

        Justin.  Justin’s smile.  Justin’s eyes.  His gorgeous body.  JC wanted to make love to him, to re-learn him, to fall in love all over again.

        He couldn’t wait.  He had to be near Justin now.  Tomorrow was too far away.

        As JC twisted his arm out from under Nick and sat up, Nick asked, “Where are you going?” without even opening his eyes.

        “To the bathroom,” JC whispered.  “Go back to sleep.”

        Nick muttered something like “Bathroom, my ass,” and rolled over, getting comfortable again.  “Don’t leave the house.”

        “I won’t,” JC promised, and got up.  He left the room, following shadows down the hallway.  He turned into Brian’s office, scrunching his toes in the soft carpet, and sat on the couch, reaching for the phone.  He scrolled through the caller ID.

        “Are you allowed to use the phone?”

        JC looked up.  AJ was just inside the doorway, framed by shadow.  AJ.  JC felt for him, despite loyalty to Lance.  AJ was lost, and in pain.  Deep pain.  So was Lance.  If only they could have made it work.  But AJ had belonged to someone else the whole time, and that had blindsided Lance, and now…  “No,” JC said.

        AJ nodded.  “I have to talk to Nick about something.  Do me a favor and stay out here for a minute.”

        “Sure,” JC said.  AJ left him.  He went through the call history again.  Most of the callers, he recognized.  But there was one…  He selected it, and hit redial.

        It rang.

        JC’s stomach clenched.

        “Hello?”

        “Joey?” JC asked softly, not believing.

        “Hello?”

        “Joey.  Hi.  It’s-”

        “JC?” Joey asked, sounding more awake.  “JC?  Do you have phone privileges?”

        “No,” he said honestly.  “Joey, let me talk to Justin.”

        “I can’t do that,” Joey said.  “Shit, I have to go, wait right there.”  Joey hung up on him.

        JC hung up and waited.

        Joey, tired of getting clawed on a daily basis, kicked Justin to the floor.  “It was a wrong number.”

        “JC called!” Justin yelled.  “JC called!”

        “Go back to bed,” Joey said.

        “What did he want?” Justin asked.  “What did he say?”

        “Why do you care if JC calls or not?  You don’t love him.  You’re divorcing him, leaving him for good.  It’s none of your business who JC calls when, or why.”

        “I have to talk to him.  There are things I need to explain to him.”

        “Like what?” Joey asked, very interested in what Justin might want to “explain” to JC in this state of mind.

        “That’s between me and JC,” Justin said.

        “You can explain it to him tomorrow,” Joey said.  “Now can I get some sleep?  Go back to bed.”

        “That was JC,” Justin said.

        “Maybe.  Maybe not.”

        “I know JC.  That phone rang and I felt him waiting for me on the other side.  He called.”

        “Fine, he called.  Go back to bed.”

        “I hope you rot in hell,” Justin said, and walked away.

        Joey was getting new best friends, starting tomorrow.  He waited until he heard Justin’s door close, then picked up the phone and dialed.

        JC picked up on the first ring.  “Hello?”

        “Sorry about that,” Joey said.  “It’s good to hear from you, C.  How’re you doing?”

        “Is he coming home tomorrow?”

        “Yes.”

        “Nick told me you’re letting me stay with you.  Thank you.”

        “It’s my pleasure,” Joey said.  “We can stay up late drinking scotch and watching porn.”

        “That’s you and Lance, not you and me,” JC said.

        Joey felt an odd pang.  “Drinking margaritas and watching gay porn?”

        JC laughed.  “I’ve missed you.”

        “I’ve missed you, too.  What are you doing on the phone?”

        “Nick trusts me.”

        “You’re a very honorable man, JC, but I don’t think I’d trust you as far as I can throw you, where Justin’s concerned.  Especially not right now.”

        “I miss him.  I just want to see him again.”

        “He’s a sight,” Joey agreed.  Justin looked like shit, and the sight of his naked scalp was still a shock, but Joey wasn’t going to be the one to break that news to JC.  Joey had never seen Justin look this bad, not even when he’d fallen off the pillar onstage.  That time, he’d been in severe physical pain, and the slightest movement had hurt.  This time, whatever kind of pain Justin was in, just being alive hurt.  Brian would probably say that his very soul hurt.  It sure looked like it, anyway.

        “Please bring him home,” JC said.

        “I will,” Joey promised.  Joey would have promised JC anything, anyway, because he truly loved JC; but that heartbroken voice was getting to him.

        “Safely.”

        “I will.”  God, JC.  Why were JC and Justin doing this to each other?  And why was he, their so-called friend, making it worse?

        “Thank you, Joey.”

        “JC…”

        “Good night,” JC said, and hung up.

        Joey hung up.  Hurting JC was enough to make a man suicidal.

        “Give me ten minutes,” AJ said, getting into bed with him.

        “Okay.”  Nick yawned, adjusting the sheets.  “What’s up?”

        “I’ve fucked up.  I am fucked up.”

        “Yeah,” Nick agreed, since it was true.  He reached over and touched the hair on AJ’s chin.  “I missed you.”

        “I missed you, too, believe me,” AJ said.

        “You can stay here as long as you want,” Nick said.  “Except the day after tomorrow, Drew’s coming home, so you have to be out by then.”

        AJ laughed.  “It’s okay.  I’m going home tomorrow.”

        “Tomorrow would be a good day to make yourself scarce,” Nick said, wishing he could follow his own advice.  “Justin’s coming home, so there should be some nice reunion drama.”

        “Good time to go into hiding,” AJ said.

        Nick looked at him carefully.  “Why are you here?”

        “Here in your house, or here on the planet?” AJ asked.

        “Here with me right now,” Nick said.  “You came in here for something.”

        AJ shrugged.  “I thought I’d try talking to someone who won’t hit me over the head with how badly I’ve fucked up.  It can be good to spend a few minutes with someone who isn’t judging, self-righteous, perfect, or sanctimonious.”

        “Thanks.  You have fucked up.  But that’s okay.  I care about you, and I want you to feel better.”

        “Thanks.  That’s getting me really far right now.”

        Nick ignored that.  AJ was hating himself, and when AJ hated himself, he had trouble asking for help in a productive way.  Nick hugged him, wrapping him up strong and tight.  “I’m sorry,” Nick said.

        “I don’t want to live this life anymore,” AJ said into Nick’s shoulder.

        “I know,” Nick said.  “You can fix things.”  He rubbed AJ’s back.  “It’ll be okay.”

        “I hate myself.”

        “That’s funny.  The rest of us love you.”

        AJ laughed, only it came out choked.

        “You can cry,” Nick said.  It was worth mentioning.

        “I don’t cry,” AJ said, but it sounded almost like he already was.

        “I won’t tell anybody,” Nick said.  “I won’t even look.”

        AJ laughed again, and then there were hot, wet tears soaking through Nick’s shirt.  His voice was rough when he said, “I hate myself.  I can’t live like this.  I hate myself.”

        “Ssshhh,” Nick said, wondering why people couldn’t just be in love, why they had to make everything hard for themselves.  All of this ego shit had to get in the way.  “It’s okay.  I love you, AJ.  It’s okay.  You can fix things.  You can make it better.  We’ll help you.”

        AJ pushed Nick away, rolling onto his back, wiping at his face.  His gorgeous eyes were red and watery.  “I can’t live like this.”

        “Like what?” Nick asked, to check.

        AJ made an unamused sound.  “Without Kevin.”

        “So get him,” Nick said.

        “It’s not that easy.”

        “Why not?  I wanted Drew, and I got him.  It was pretty easy, too.”

        “I can’t seduce Kevin.  We’ve had sex before.  He’s not that impressed anymore.”

        “It’s not all about sex.  It’s about attitude and presence and making him want you.  Who knows more about that shit than you?”

        AJ laughed.  This time, he sounded amused.

        “I’m not saying play games.  If you start playing games for real, Kevin will write you off for good.  But a little seduction never hurt anybody.  Make him want you.  Let him know you want him.  And be his friend.  You guys are best friends.  That has to be there.  Don’t get rid of that.”

        “Kevin and I are best friends?”

        “When he can stand you,” Nick said.

        AJ laughed again.

        “Now get out.  If you and JC and I have a threesome, that’ll piss off a whole lot of people.”

        “It might be worth it,” AJ said with a grin.

        Nick gave him another brief hug.  “I’m glad you’re home.”

        “So am I.”