Copyright April 2, 2002-September 29, 2003 by Matthew Haldeman-Time

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Thus far we've had JC/Justin, Nick/Drew/Brian, Nick/Jeff, Nick/Drew/Brian/Nick/Jeff, AJ/Lance, AJ/Howie, AJ/Kevin, Chris/Howie, and partridge/pear tree.

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashwriters.

Wherein Drew won't go behind Brian's back, AJ can screw anybody he wants, and could JC be mellowing?

Notice: First, read "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," "Rest in Peace," "Destiny," and "Together." I know it sounds like a lot, but it'll only take you an hour or two.

        Nick looked at him.  “What?”

        Jeff kissed him.  “You haven’t called Nick.”

        “We’re almost home.  I’ll talk to him when I see him.”

        “And if the plane crashes and we die a horrible fiery death and he never knows how you really felt about him?”

        “I think the four of us dying would be worse than him not knowing,” Nick said.  “Jeff, I’ve told him before.  If he hasn’t figured it out by now, that’s his problem.”

        “That’s his problem,” Jeff repeated.

        “I’ve told him before!” Nick said.  “It’s not new.”

        “Then I guess I’ll never have to tell you that I love you again, either.”

        Nick shrugged, unconcerned.  “Okay.”

        “All right.”  Jeff scratched his chin.  “Want to make out?”

        Nick gave him a speculative look, not trusting.

        Jeff smiled.

        Nick wrapped his arm around Jeff’s waist, kissing him, lowering him back against the cushions.  Jeff’s hands were in Nick’s hair, on Nick’s shoulders, on Nick’s ass.

        Nick pulled up Jeff’s shirt, slipping a hand under it, feeling over tight muscle, his tongue stroking into Jeff’s mouth.

        Justin passed by.  “Get a room.”

        Nick hitched himself higher, aligning their bodies better, groaning as his erection pressed against Jeff’s.  His hand slid up Jeff’s naked side, and Jeff made an aroused sound.  The soft slick play of Jeff’s tongue had Nick kissing harder, his erection swelling.

        Drew walked past.  “Really mature, there, guys.”

        Jeff rolled them over in a controlled fall from the sofa to the floor.  Nick landed on his back, pulling Jeff’s shirt off and tossing it aside, rolling them over again.  His thumbs rubbed over Jeff’s nipples while he kissed across Jeff’s shoulders.

        Justin came back through.  “I’ll pay for the room,” he said on his way out the door.

        “It’s too crowded in here,” Nick said, licking at the point of a nipple.

        Jeff moaned, closing his eyes.  “Imagine how it feels in my pants,” he said, rubbing his thigh high between Nick’s legs.

        There were no words for how fast Nick’s blood pumped when he came in contact with the hard, thick bulge of Jeff’s cock, even through their clothes.  He had many great, erotic, even explosively passionate memories of the pleasure that Jeff’s dick had given him, and he also had many white-hot blood-hot memories of giving Jeff pleasure.  He put his hand on the thick length of it now, squeezing gently through Jeff’s jeans, sharing wet kisses in Jeff’s mouth.  Jeff groaned, hands tightening on his back, drawing up one leg.

        Nick heard an odd, familiar clicking-whirring sound.

        “Shit,” Jeff said.

        Nick raised his head and looked over his shoulder.

        Justin, standing beside Drew, waved.  Drew took another picture.  “Can you move a little to the left?” Drew asked.  “You’re blocking the groping action.”

        Nick snatched his hand from Jeff’s groin.  “Tell me there’s no film in that camera.”

        Click, whirr.  “I wonder how much we could get for these.”

        “Are you thinking respectable media or the tabloids?” Justin asked.

        “Depends on who offers more,” Drew said, snapping another one.  “Stop frowning, you’re ruining the shot.”

        Nick was up and across the room, grabbing for the camera.  Drew ran, climbing over a sofa and jumping over a chair.  “Run for it!” Drew shouted, throwing the camera to Justin.  Justin caught it and ran out the door.

        “You’re dead,” Nick warned Drew, and went after Justin.

        Jeff was sitting on the floor.  Drew straddled the chair and handed him a bottle of water from the table.  “Thanks,” he said, pouring some water into his hand and wetting his face, the back of his neck.

        “You’re supposed to drink it,” Drew said.

        “You’re lucky I’m not pouring it down my pants,” Jeff said.

        Drew chuckled.

        “What about you?” Jeff asked.

        “My pants are fine,” Drew said.

        “You seem a little less distracted than you’ve been.”

        “Yeah.  I keep telling myself we’re almost finished, I’m almost home.  If I could, I would pay every last cent we’ve earned on this whole tour, if it would get me ten minutes alone with Brian or Nick.  But…I can wait.”

        Justin dashed in, tossed the camera to Drew, said, “You haven’t seen me,” and slipped out again.

        Drew tucked the camera behind his back.  They waited.

        Nick opened the door, looking around quickly.  They gave him their puzzled, innocent looks.  He left.

        Jeff snorted.

        Drew snapped another picture.

        “I get a cut,” Jeff warned.

        “Ten percent,” Drew said.

        “Twenty,” Jeff said.

        “Deal.”

        Someone knocked.  “Come in,” Jeff said.

        One of the road manager’s assistants stood in the doorway.  “Reggie wanted to…”  She faltered.  “Uh, Reggie said…  Reggie wants five minutes.”

        “We’ll be right there,” Drew said, trying not to laugh.

        She remembered herself and left.

        Drew had to let it out.

        “Is she on something?” Jeff asked.

        “Jeff, you’re half-naked, you have water and sweat running over your body like you’re in a cologne ad, you’re posed like the sexiest thing going, and your fly’s half open.  You couldn’t have gotten to her any better if you’d hit her over the head.”

        “Oh,” Jeff said.  “Well, what are you waiting for?  Take another picture,” he said, leaning back with a grin.

        Chris tucked his hands under himself, frowning, worried, afraid to leave the sofa and join them on the floor, not wanting to get any closer.

        JC kept looking into Nick’s eyes, the blue of his own eyes as hard as diamond, as hot as flame.

        “I need help,” Nick said.  “We need help.  I can’t do this by myself.  I’m not smart enough.”

        “You’re supposed to be intuitive,” Chris said.  “Brian says you understand people when you don’t think too hard.  Intuit something.”

        “I can’t, I don’t…  This is too big.”

        “Is he a power freak or a power over Justin freak?” Chris asked.

        “I don’t know,” Nick said, confused by what he saw in JC’s eyes.  “This isn’t the real JC, it’s just a part of him.”  He pushed JC, jostling him.  “Get back to normal so I can talk to you.  We have to figure this out.”

        “The way things might have been,” Chris said, repeating JC’s words.

        “JC has the power,” Nick said.  “The way things are, the way things might have been, he was the…the…the deciding factor.  It was up to him, however he acted, whatever direction he took it.  Justin followed his lead.”

        “So he chose this direction,” Chris said.

        “Right,” Nick said.  “Why?”

        “I thought I had to,” JC said, lowering his head, rubbing the back of his neck.  “I thought that’s how I had to be, to get him.”

        “To have Justin, you had to be his adoring slave?” Nick asked.

        “I had to show him love, to give him sex, so he’d have a reason to be with me.  So he’d stay.”

        “You didn’t have to flatter him and worship him and screw him nonstop to get him to stay with you,” Nick said.

        “Now you tell him,” Chris muttered.

        “Don’t be funny, help me,” Nick snapped.  “Okay, so you thought you had to be a certain way to keep Justin.  Did you want to be that way?”

        “Does he look happy?” Chris asked.

        “It’s the way things had to be,” JC said.  “It didn’t matter what I wanted. I wanted Justin.  I had to have him, to keep him, and I did what I had to do.”

        “But it could have been so different,” Nick said.  “Not you worshipping at his feet and working your ass off to keep him happy, and not you doing freaky power-tripping stuff, but some kind of natural happy medium thing.”

        “It doesn’t matter,” JC said.

        “Obviously it kind of does,” Nick said.  “You’re not happy with the way things are.  Things could have been so different.”

        “It doesn’t matter,” JC said again, tipping his head back, looking up at the ceiling, then closing his eyes.  “If I change, he’ll leave me.  Things have to be this way.  I have to stay this way.”

        “He won’t leave you,” Nick said.  “Justin loves you any way you are.  He’s like your personal Mr. Rogers.  With sex.”

        “I made promises,” JC said.

        “Promises you can’t keep,” Nick said.  “He can’t hold you to that shit.”

        JC made an unhappy, non-laughing sound.

        Chris touched JC’s hair.  “He loves you.”

        JC turned to Chris’s touch.  “I’m not sure he does.  I’ve never been sure.”

        “I’m sure,” Chris said, aching for JC, stroking his scalp.  Petting another man, in a sincere way, was a little strange, but no one was making fun of him, so he kept doing it.  Then again, JC was extremely gay and liked to be touched, and Nick was extremely gay and liked to touch.

        “I love him so much,” JC said.  His voice was doing an odd, choking, watery thing, like he was going to cry.  Or like he was crying, inside.  “I love him so much.  I’ll do anything to keep him.”

        “We know you love Justin, and you love to love him,” Nick said.  “When you tell him how special he is all day every day, you mean it.  I know you mean it.  But you shouldn’t have to do that.”

        “If it keeps him with me,” JC started to say.

        “He shouldn’t demand that of you.”

        “It’s not his fault, it’s me, I started it,” JC said.

        “You set things up that way, yeah, that’s your fault,” Nick said.  “But now if you’re thirty seconds late saying ‘I love you’ every minute on the minute, he throws one of his prima donna fits.  That’s bullshit.  You don’t owe him anything.”

        “That’s the way things are,” JC said.

        “They didn’t have to be that way,” Nick said.  “You chose that path, and you can change it.”

        “I chose wrong,” JC said softly, with pain in his words.

        “Choose again,” Nick said.

        “You don’t have to be this way,” Chris said, running his thumb over JC’s hairline.

        “I love him,” JC whispered.

        “Love him in a different way,” Nick said.

        JC almost laughed.  “He’ll never let me.”

        Kevin had walked out on him.  Not during conversation, not during a special moment.  During sex.  He still had Kevin’s cum up his ass and Kevin had walked out that door.

        AJ stood, walked across the room in the path Kevin had taken, and hit the door.  “Bastard,” he said.  “You bastard!” he yelled.  That bastard, this door, this room, this bed - - he overturned the mattress onto the floor.  That son-of-a-bitch!  Walking out on him!  AJ kicked a chair with his heel, knocking it over.  “Lousy fuck!” he shouted.  He was going to get Kevin for this, kill Kevin for this, make that motherfucker pay.

        None of that Justin Timberlake Chasez crap.  Crap, that’s what it had been.  No more.  He was Justin Timberlake.  He was new.  Justin ran his hands over his head.  No more hair.  No more of those fucking cornrows.  No more asking JC to braid his hair for him, like he’d needed JC to fucking groom him.

        He was different now.  His life was different now.  He was looking forward to living his own life, living a full life, doing everything he wanted to do.

        Women.  All of those women out there.  He’d wasted his time.  He was a star, he was a success, he could have anyone he wanted.  Normal people wouldn’t consider Britney and JC a waste of time, but he’d grown up with them, they were nothing to him.  JC was nobody.  He’d been trapped, married, committed to JC; and with JC on the tour with him, always at his side, he hadn’t been able to get to know any of the girls they’d met on the road.  Now he could pick up women in clubs, screw groupies by the truckload, date anyone he wanted.

        Justin rubbed his dick, wondering why it was still soft.  He could have anyone he wanted!  Pussy by the ton!  He’d beat Joey’s numbers in no time.

        Justin’s dick made a half-hearted effort, responding to touch; but the second he let go, it gave up.  Annoyed, he tucked it away again.

        It didn’t matter.  His body was just confused.  He was under a lot of stress, what with being kidnapped and everything.  When he started his new life, everything would be good again.  Everything.  He was new.  He was reborn!

        His hands were shaking.  He tucked them into his pockets.

        He’d have to get a place to live.  Something worthy of his newfound independence.  And a new car.  Two new cars.  Three new cars, and more later.  A whole new wardrobe.  New shoes to match.

        He’d party.  He’d go out with Joey, he’d go out with Lance, he’d go out by himself.  He’d dance, he’d drink, he’d screw.  It would be crazy, an awesome time.  He had everything going for him, everything in his life, and he was nuts for pissing it all away, wasting his time gazing into JC’s eyes like a lovesick idiot.

        The name, he’d change.  The ring, he’d give back.  The tattoo on his lower back, he’d get rid of.  Laser surgery or something, get it taken off just like that.

        Freedom.

        Justin stretched.

        Freedom.

        No more being trapped, no more being manipulated, no more being married, no more being tied down, no more JC.  Freedom.  Independence.  He was his own person now, free to do whatever he wanted.

        “Justin,” he said.  Music to his ears.  “Justin.  Justin!”  It was glorious.  “Justin!”

        “Justin.”

        “Justin,” he insisted.

        “Justin.”

        “Justin.”

        “Justin, baby.”

        “Justin!” he shouted.

        “Justin, I love you.”

        “Justin!”

        “Justin, you’re so amazing, baby, you’re incredible.”

        “Justin!”

        “Justin, let me touch you again, let me kiss you, let me hold you.”

        “Justin!” he screamed.

        “Justin, I’ll always love you, I’ll love you forever, you’re everything to me, baby, you’re everything.”

        “Justin!”

        “Justin, baby, you’re so pretty, tell me you know how pretty you are.”

        “Justin!”

        “Justin!”  Brian grabbed his hands.  “Justin, look at me.  What happened?”

        Justin gazed up at him, lost.  “What?” he tried to ask, but the word came out half-formed.

        “You were screaming,” Brian said.  “You’re bleeding!  Joey?”

        “Already on it,” Joey said from somewhere beyond Justin’s vision.

        Justin remembered…  “JC?”

        “No, Justin, he’s not here,” Brian said.  “Tell me what happened.”

        “I’m…Justin.”

        “Yes,” Brian said.

        Brian was very good-looking this close up.  All cheekbones.  Pretty eyes.  Justin let his own eyes drift shut.  “JC,” he decided.

        “Justin, talk to me,” Brian said.

        “You’re so stupid,” Joey’s voice muttered, and Justin felt something, wet cloth, dabbing and rubbing against his skin.  His arm.  A washcloth, maybe.  “You always do this to yourself.”

        “Justin,” Brian said.  “You were screaming.  It started out with your name, and then it was nothing, just a scream.  You were scratching your arms until they bled.  Why would you do that?”

        “Justin,” he said.

        “You’re really cooperative,” Joey said.  A moment later, “I don’t think he needs Band-Aids or anything.”

        “Justin,” he murmured.  He liked the way it sounded.  It had always sounded best coming from JC.  It dropped from JC’s lips like…like…

        “Justin,” Brian said.  “Look at me.”

        He opened his eyes, focusing on Brian’s face.  “Hi.”

        “Hi,” Brian said, quietly amused.  “How are you doing?”

        “I have things to do,” he remembered, and sat up straighter.  “I have-”

        “Things like what?” Joey asked.

        “I have a house to buy.  And clothes.  And other things.”

        “That can wait a day or two, can’t it?” Brian asked.

        “No,” Justin said, disapproving.  “I have to take charge of my life.”

        “Starting with spending all of your money?” Brian asked.

        “I’m worth it,” Justin said.

        “Yes, you are,” Brian agreed.  “You are worth it.  I’m just not sure that you’re in the right frame of mind to be making major life decisions.”

        “I’m in the perfect frame of mind,” Justin argued.  “I’ve never been more clear on who I am and how I want to live my life.”

        “That’s good to hear,” Joey said.  “I don’t believe you, but it’s nice that you think you’re feeling better.”

        “It doesn’t matter what you think,” Justin said.  “This is my life.”

        “Fine, your life, great,” Joey said.  “Go ahead and destroy it, then.  Good for you.  People in the perfect frame of mind always scratch themselves until they bleed and scream like they’ve been eviscerated.”

        Justin frowned.  Joey couldn’t possibly understand.  “You spend too much time with Chris.”

        “I just want you to know that you can talk all you want about your new life and divorce and JC being just a friend, but if we got JC on the phone right now, you’d be singing a whole different tune,” Joey said.  “When you decided to be yourself again, I thought you meant that you really wanted to be yourself, to find your identity.”

        “I am myself,” Justin said.  “I found my identity.”

        “No, you found denial,” Joey said.

        “You can’t become a whole new person in one day,” Brian said.  “Justin, you’re going to have to put time and effort and thought into this.  That’s why we’re here, to help you through the process of discovering yourself and claiming your identity.”

        “I know who I am,” Justin said firmly, looking Brian right in the eyes.  “I’m Justin Timberlake.”

        “Justin Timberlake Chasez,” Joey corrected him, just as firmly.

        “Justin Timberlake!” Justin insisted.  “I don’t care if you don’t like it.  I don’t care if you don’t approve.  I’m Justin Timberlake, and you’re going to let me go.”

        That motherfucker had called him Alex.

        There could have been something to that, something to the fact that after all of that bullshit about the James connection, it was the man who called him Alex that…

        AJ pounded the steering wheel.  Bullshit, all of it was bullshit.  Everything.  Him, Kevin, Lance, Howie, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

        He jerked the wheel to the right and took the exit.  He’d been going in the wrong direction.  Taking the wrong road.  Yeah, and wasn’t that a perfect metaphor for his entire fucking life.

        It was time to go home.

        It was time to make a home to go to.  A real home, not a house where he stored his clothes.  A home that meant something.

        Maybe he was getting old.  Maybe he was getting pathetic.  He just wanted a place he could go to, where he stood a decent chance of finding love and acceptance.  Not a place where the guys were for friendship, and not a place where a woman was for sex.  A place for him and for love.

        A place with Kevin in it.

        Maybe Kevin would do it willingly someday, or maybe he’d have to tie Kevin up in an attic somewhere, but one way or another, AJ was going to get what he wanted.

        “We need to know where Justin stands, what he’s doing,” Nick said.

        “Do we?” Chris asked.  “We just established that JC determines what kind of relationship they have.  Justin just follows and reacts.”

        “Yeah, but…  I don’t know.  What do we do?” Nick asked.

        JC sighed.  “There isn’t much we can do.  If I change, I’ll lose Justin.”

        “You’re about to lose your sanity,” Nick said.  “Or, I guess, lose it more.”

        “I’d rather lose myself than lose him,” JC said.

        “We can’t let you do that,” Chris said, surprising himself.

        JC gave him an affectionate look.

        “What if you can change without losing him?” Nick said.  “How do we know that’s what’ll happen?  He’s threatened to ditch you before, and he never did it.  I say, go for it, do what you need to do for yourself.”

        “What kinds of changes do you want to make?” Chris asked.  “We’re talking about changes in how you treat Justin, right?  What would you do differently?”

        “I don’t know,” JC said.  “This is the way it’s been.”

        “You got a taste of something different,” Nick said.  “Without going to that extreme again, you could change direction.”

        “A good relationship needs balance,” Chris said.  “He needs to be as much about you as you are about him.  The way things are, you’re both about him.  That’s not really the right way to do it.”

        “He’s Justin,” JC said.

        “So?” Nick asked.

        “I don’t know how to back off a little,” JC said.  “It’s either a complete one-eighty or nothing.”

        “I guess it would be easy for you to slip back into your roles,” Chris said.

        “But that one-eighty isn’t too healthy, either,” Nick said.  “Not the rock star one.”

        “Can we come up with another scenario?” Chris asked.  “Not rock star and groupie.  Something a little mellower.”

        “How about rich bitch and sexy pool boy?” Nick suggested.

        JC laughed.

        “How about something that has anything to do with their actual relationship?” Chris suggested.

        “They don’t have a relationship,” Nick said.  “They have an obsession.”

        “They started out as friends,” Chris said.

        “Maybe they need to be friends again,” Nick said.

        “What if they start from scratch?” Chris asked.

        “How far back?” Nick asked.

        “From friends,” Chris said.  “What if they spend time just being friends, and then they start dating, and then they start a real relationship, and take everything from there?”

        “And ignore the fact that they’re already married?” Nick asked.

        “Yes,” Chris said.

        “It won’t work,” Nick said.  “Justin puts out on the first date, and then they’ll be right back where they are now.”

        “They could at least try,” Chris said.

        “It’s the best idea we have,” Nick acknowledged.

        “It’s the only idea we have,” JC said.

        “That, too,” Chris said.  “But let’s not forget that it was mine.”

        Nick and JC clapped politely.

        “I’m finished here,” Justin said.  “I have things to do out there.  I’m getting a house,” he said.  “And new clothes.  And cars!  And shoes.  And a divorce.”

        “Are you sure that’s what you want?” Brian asked.  “I thought you loved JC.”

        “We’ll always be friends,” Justin said.

        “Sure, couples always stay really close after divorce,” Joey said.

        “Most people find that getting a divorce actually improves their relationship,” Brian agreed.

        Justin curled his hands into fists.  “I don’t care what points you’re trying to make.  I’ve made my decision.  I know what I’m doing.  Now let me go!”

        “You’re not going anywhere until we decide you’re making sense,” Joey said.  “Everything you’re saying now is a load of bull.”

        “You can’t keep me here!” Justin said.  “You have no right!”

        “What are you going to do?” Joey asked.  “You fought Nick, you think you’re going to beat up Brian?  You’re going to pull a knife on him?”

        “I’ll do what I have to do,” Justin said.  “You have no right to keep me here.  You deserve what you get.”

        “Can we compromise?” Brian asked.  “You stay here tonight, and if you still feel exactly the same way in the morning, you can go.”

        “I can go now,” Justin said.

        “If you still feel tomorrow morning the way you feel now, we’ll take you home.  No trouble, no arguments, we’ll just drive you home.”

        Justin didn’t trust them.

        “You have my word,” Brian promised.

        “You won’t have to steal a car or hitchhike,” Joey said.

        Justin didn’t want to give in, but it made sense.  “Okay.  Tomorrow morning.”

        “Where are you going to live until you get your new house?” Brian asked.

        “You could live with your friend JC,” Joey said.

        “I’ll live with you,” Justin said.

        “I don’t remember inviting you,” Joey said.

        “I’ll stay with Lance,” Justin said.

        Joey laughed.

        “What?” Justin demanded.

        “If JC’s single, I think he’ll be the one staying with Lance,” Joey said.

        “Do you think he’d do that?” Brian asked Joey.

        “There’d be nothing stopping him,” Joey said.  “I’d put my money on it.”

        “You’re probably right,” Brian said.  “Without Justin, JC would be an open target for anyone.”

        “You can’t stay with Chris,” Joey said.  “He’s living with Howie.”

        “I’ll get a hotel room,” Justin said.  “I have friends.  I can visit my mom.”

        “Sure,” Brian said.  “You have a lot of options.”

        “If this involves rich bitches and pool boys, I’m not playing,” Chris said.

        “No, stupid,” Nick said.  “Let’s move JC.”

        “I’ll take his arms, you take his legs, and-”

        “I mean his apartment.  His new house.  That kind of moving,” Nick said.

        “We could,” Chris said, considering it.  “Is it furnished?” he asked JC.

        “Everything’s ready, it’s just not in the house yet,” JC said.  “I can call.”

        “You have stuff in storage, right?” Nick asked.  “And whatever’s in your place now.  We can hire people for most of that.”

        “Could we have it ready for when Justin comes home?” JC asked.

        “We can try,” Chris said.

        “What about your place?” Nick asked.

        “We’re waiting to move in until after this drama is over,” Chris said.

        “You’re putting off moving into your new place?” Nick asked.  “That sucks.  As soon as we’re done with JC and Justin’s house, we can do yours.”

        Chris looked at him warily.  “That sounded suspiciously like you’re trying to help me.”

        “I’m trying to help Howie,” Nick corrected him.

        “Oh,” Chris said.  “Okay.”  That sat much better with him.

        “You supervise JC and help him make calls about moving in and hiring movers and whatever else,” Nick said, getting to his feet.  “I’m going to call Drew.”

        “Why do I get JC duty while you get fun time?” Chris asked.

        “Because you just spent your afternoon having ‘fun time’ with Howie, and Drew’s halfway around the world,” Nick said.

        “Oh,” Chris said.  “I suppose I’ll allow it.”

        “Great.”  Nick left.

        Joey sat beside Brian.  “He’s not even trying to work this out.  He’s reacting blindly.”

        “He’s panicking.  He doesn’t have JC, he doesn’t know when he’ll see JC again, he doesn’t know what JC’s thinking or going through…”  Brian sighed.  “He’s JC-less, and he doesn’t know how to handle that.  He doesn’t know how to handle himself without JC around.”

        “How do we get him to slow down and really work on this?” Joey asked.

        “I don’t know,” Brian said.  “I’d like to hit him over the head, but that wouldn’t help much.”

        “What was that screaming fit about?” Joey asked.

        “I don’t know,” Brian said.  “It’s probably not a good idea for him to be alone, though.”

        “I know.”

        “I’m sorry you were left here alone with him,” Brian said.  “That wasn’t fair of us.”

        “It’s okay,” Joey said.  “Justin and I have been having a good time.”

        “Maybe Lance will have a chance to come back,” Brian said.

        Joey trained his gaze on Brian’s right ear.  “I don’t think Lance wants to be here.”

        “Why not?” Brian asked with a flicker of a frown.

        “He has other places to be,” Joey said, aware that Brian was looking at him too closely, unable to meet Brian’s eyes.

        “Other places than with his closest friends?” Brian asked, sitting up.

        Brian’s concern was too sincere.  Joey wished he were worthy of it.

        “Joey?” Brian asked, putting a hand on his knee.

        Joey had wondered a time or two before how naturally physically affectionate Brian was, and how much of it came from spending years with Nick.  “It’s nothing.  Don’t worry about it.”

        “What happened?” Brian asked.

        “Nothing,” Joey said.  “Lance and I aren’t…  He’s changed.”  Joey made the mistake of risking a glance.  Brian’s eyes were all sympathy, and that sympathy melted down all of Joey’s barriers.  “I miss him,” Joey found himself confessing.  “He was the best friend I ever had, and I miss him.”

        “Oh, Joey.”  Warm concern, affection, sympathy.  “You don’t have to miss him.  He’s still around.  You can talk to him.  Call him.”

        “I don’t know,” Joey said.  “That’s probably not a good idea.”

        “Can I ask you something personal?” Brian asked.

        “Yeah,” Joey said.

        “Why is Lance your best friend?”

        Joey was surprised by the question.  He thought it through, then said simply, “He’s my best friend because I love him the most.”

        “Usually it’s the other way around,” Brian said.

        “Chris, and Justin, and JC, they’re great guys, the five of us really have something, but Lance, I love him the most,” Joey said.  “He’s my best friend.  I don’t love the other guys any less, it’s just - - well, you understand.  It’s like you and Nick.”

        “Nick and I are lovers,” Brian said.

        Joey didn’t know where to go with that besides the obvious, which was the one place he couldn’t take the conversation.

        “Joey?”

        “I miss him,” Joey said, not only because it was a safe thing to say, but also because it was terribly true.  He missed Lance, and he didn’t know if he’d ever have Lance back again.  Lance had changed, and everything was different, and he’d done something he never should have done.  Now he had to live with that, and live without Lance.

        “Are you sure you can’t call him?” Brian asked.

        “I don’t know.”  He really didn’t.  “Things have been strange.  I don’t know how to talk to him anymore.”

        “You’ve been friends for years,” Brian said.  “You know how to talk to Lance.”

        Joey started to feel like maybe it would be possible for him to call Lance, for them to talk.  “Thanks,” Joey said.  He had to add, “I didn’t think you liked Lance that much right now.”

        “I don’t,” Brian said, and smiled.  “But I do like you.”

        “Drew, give me ten minutes.”

        “Nick,” Drew said, feeling warmth spread through him.  His stomach got that light feeling.  “Get out,” he told the others.

        “Manners, please,” Jeff said, getting up.

        “Get out?” Nick asked, looking around the room.  “We’re not going anywhere.”

        “I have the camera,” Drew reminded him.  “Get out.”

        “Come on, give Drew some privacy,” Justin said, herding Nick out of the room.  The door closed.  Alone with his phone, Drew settled into a corner of the sofa.  “Hi, Nick.”

        “Let’s talk about something.”

        “Something like what?” Drew asked, tucking his free hand under his thigh.

        “You remember the night I wasn’t your sexy-ass boyfriend Nick, I was The Nick Carter?”

        Drew swallowed against the wild surge of feeling that the mention of that experience brought.  “Yes.  I remember,” he said with deliberate calm.

        “What was that like for you?”

        Drew took a slow, careful breath.  Inhale.  Exhale.  He limited his gaze to his right knee.  “It was good.”

        “Did you ever think that…we might get that way for real?  That it’s possible, if we kept doing it, that, I mean, could that be the way our relationship is, instead of this?”

        Drew could imagine it, if he dared, and viscerally, he wanted it.  But, “No.  You can’t even maintain that image onstage.  You’d break form too naturally, because it’s not really you, it’s just an aspect of you.  And that wasn’t really me, that was me under your spell.”

        “That’s not me?” Nick asked.

        “It’s a part of you that you can bring out at will, but it’s not all of you.  The sum of you.”

        “You wouldn’t want to spend the rest of your life under my spell?” Nick asked, teasing.

        Drew had to close his eyes as his body reacted to the idea.  “I might,” he admitted.

        “God, remember it, Drew?” Nick asked, soft and passionate in his ear.  “No one’s ever wanted me as badly as you did.  No one’s ever looked at me like that or said my name that way.”

        “You were…”  Drew sucked in air.  Images of Nick’s flesh flashed through his mind.  “You were the only thing that mattered.  I only existed for you.”

        Nick’s voice was roughly intimate.  “You touched me like I wasn’t real.”

        “You weren’t real,” Drew said.  “You were too real.  You…  I wanted to worship you.”

        “The next morning, when I had to go early, and you were still asleep, and I kissed you good-bye, and you opened to me…”

        “Nick,” Drew whispered.

        “God, Drew.”

        “That night, the way you looked at me.  The world revolved around you and you knew it, you’d set it up that way.”  The look in Nick’s eyes, all of that arrogance.  “I wanted to be yours.”

        “The way you wanted me,” Nick said.  “I teased you and I made you beg, and you begged so hard, you got so needy and so desperate…”

        Drew turned his face to his shoulder, curling his toes, refusing the heat throbbing inside his body, denying the hard ache of his cock.

        “You promised me,” Nick reminded him in a voice soft with desire.

        “I know,” Drew whispered.

        “You promised me that wherever I was, if I wanted you, you’d come to me.  You promised me that any time I wanted you, I could have you.  Your body is mine.”

        Drew panted softly.  He could only pray that Nick wouldn’t ask him to make good on that promise, because if Nick truly asked him, he would go.  That wasn’t a comforting thing to know about himself; it was frightening, and it was dangerous.

        “I want to be there with you,” Nick said.  “You have so much passion stored up inside you, Drew, I want to help you let it out.”

        There with him, if Nick were there with him…  Drew forced back a moan.

        “What else do you want, Drew, what other fantasies do you have?  What else can we do together?”

        Nothing.  There was nothing that he wanted, that he could say out loud.  There was nothing that he wanted, that he could ever do.  The shame would be too great.

        “You have to tell me,” Nick urged.

        “Nothing,” Drew said.

        “You’re lying,” Nick said.  “Tell me.  Tell me one, Drew, just one.”

        “I have to go,” Drew said.  He couldn’t stay, he couldn’t do this.  He was too hard, and he didn’t want to masturbate in such uncertain privacy, but his entire body was humming with it, and the urge to fuck anything, even his own hand, was too great.

        “Tell me one thing you want,” Nick said.

        “You,” Drew said, just to get it out.

        “What about me?” Nick asked.  “What do you want me to do to you?  What do you want to do to me?”

        Memories assaulted Drew, memories of the warmth of Nick’s skin, the wet of Nick’s kiss, the sound of Nick’s groan, the bitterness of Nick’s cum, the press of Nick’s hand, the heat in Nick’s eyes.

        “You’re miles away, I can’t make you do it, all you have to do is tell me and hang up the phone,” Nick said.  “Just tell me and I’ll let it go.”

        “I can’t,” Drew said.  He just wanted to get away from Nick so his body would stop doing this to him.

        “You can tell me,” Nick said.  “It’s me, Drew, you trust me with everything.”

        Drew panted, fighting his body’s demands.  There had been a time when Nick had been jacking himself, and then had run his hand through his hair, and there had been a streak of pre-cum in Nick’s hair, and Drew had, Drew had, “I want to come in your hair, I want to see,” he struggled for air, “I want to see my cum in your hair.”

        “You what?” Nick asked.

        Drew groaned at the image of it.

        “You want to do that to me, I bet I know what else you want to do to me,” Nick said, his voice dark with sex.  “You want to come on my face, don’t you, Drew?”

        Drew inhaled sharply, his mind rebelling, but blood surged to his cock, and he couldn’t deny it.

        “You can, if you want,” Nick whispered.  “I’ll let you.”

        Drew couldn’t speak.

        “I want to come on Brian’s face,” Nick said.  Drew’s eyes snapped open with shock.  “Don’t you want to come on Brian’s face, Drew?  Can’t you imagine touching it, smearing your cum across his cheekbones, wiping it off his cheeks and making him lick it off your fingers?”

        No, not Brian’s beautiful face, that was horrible, that was disgusting.  It was disrespectful, and it was pornographic, and there was no excuse for the way Drew’s cock hummed at the idea of it.

        “You can come on me wherever you want, Drew,” Nick said.  “Try me.”

        Drew was digging his fingers into the sofa arm so hard it hurt, to keep from touching himself.

        “Brian’s gone, I’ll be sleeping alone tonight,” Nick said.  “Don’t you wish you could be there with me?  I’d let you do anything you wanted.”

        Anything.  Anything.  Drew’s heart stuttered.

        “I have to go now.  You be good, Drew.”

        “Nick,” he got out.

        “Drew?”

        “I want you.”  That wasn’t it, that wasn’t even close, but it was all that he had.

        “As soon as you get home, I’m going to make you prove it,” Nick said.

        Oh, god, yes.

        “Good-bye, Drew.”

        “Nick,” he whispered.

        Nick hung up.

        Drew dialed Brian’s number with unsteady fingers.

        “I was going to make love to Justin in every room,” JC said.  “When we moved in, I’d take him from room to room and show him everything and make love to him.”

        “Even you can’t do it that much,” Chris said.  “Better make it a three-day tour.”

        “I can’t, now,” JC said.  “If we’re starting from the beginning, then he’ll move in alone, without me.”

        “You’re giving him the house now?  Without you there?” Chris asked.  “It should be your house together, not his.  Why don’t you let it be your goal?  You can both move in together once you’re good again.”

        “It’s his house,” JC said.  “I want him to have it.”

        “I like my idea better,” Chris said.

        “I’ll stay in our apartment,” JC said.  “Until he lets me move in.”

        “Not until he lets you move in,” Chris said.  “Until your relationship is solid again.  That’s why - - look, you can stay in the apartment, and he can stay with Joey, and when your relationship is better, you can both move in there.”

        “Equals,” JC said.

        “Yes,” Chris said.

        JC scratched his temple.  “It doesn’t seem right, me keeping the apartment.  He can have it.  I’ll move out.”

        “You can both move out,” Chris said.  “Equals.”

        “I’ll ask Lance if I can stay with him for a while,” JC said.

        “Is that a good idea?” Chris asked.

        “I don’t want Justin to stay with him,” JC said.  “He hasn’t been treating Justin very well.”

        “You can stay with me,” Chris said.

        “What about Howie?” JC asked.  “I don’t want to be in your way.”

        “You won’t be in the way,” Chris said.

        “Yes, I will,” JC said.  “I’ll get a new place.  Who are you calling?”

        “Joey,” Chris said, and put the phone to his ear.  “We need to make sure we’re all on the same - - hey, it’s Chris.  Yeah.  JC’s great.  We’ve been figuring out where to take things from here.  We’re thinking about starting from scratch.  Being friends, taking it from there.  From the first date forward.  Does that - - really?  Really.  Is he serious?  Yeah.  Yeah.  I don’t know.  Yeah.  Okay.  Bye.”  Chris hung up.

        “How’s Justin?” JC asked.

        “Not good,” Chris said.  “He’s acting like a spoiled ass.”

        “What’s wrong?” JC asked, concerned.

        “Nothing.  He’s being stupid.  He’ll get over it.”

        JC’s voice exposed his worry.  “Why won’t you look at me?”

        Chris raised his eyes.  “It’s nothing.  I think that Brian and Joey and Nick and I should talk.”

        “Yeah?” Brian asked.  “How’s JC?”

        “Chris says he’s great.”

        Not a flicker from Justin.

        “They came up with an idea.  It stands a decent chance of working, if JC and Justin take it seriously.  They’re talking about starting over.  Bringing everything back to zero, starting from friendship, day one.  First date, everything.”

        “It might work,” Brian said.  “It would be really hard not to lapse back into the relationship they’ve had.”

        “It’s worth a shot,” Joey said.  “If they take things slowly.”

        “What do you think, Justin?” Brian asked.

        “I’m divorcing him,” Justin said.  “I’m not going to turn around and start dating him after that.”

        “If this works, you won’t need to divorce him,” Brian said.  “Give this a shot first.”

        “No,” Justin said, and turned back to the TV.

        “Why won’t you try?” Brian asked.  “You’d rather throw away all of these years and all of that love?”

        “There’s no point in trying,” Justin said.  “That isn’t what I want.  I don’t want to be with him at all, in any kind of relationship.  We can be friends, but that’s all we’ll ever be.”

        “Sit down,” Howie invited.  “How’s everything going?”

        “The latest suggestion is that Justin and I start over from the beginning.  Go back to being just friends and try to begin our relationship from there.”

        “Do you think that would help?” Howie asked.

        “If we put a lot of effort into it, it might make a difference,” JC said.  “The idea of dating Justin, it sounds so good to me.  We went right past that step.  When we got together, everything happened so fast…”

        “You were already so close, maybe dating seemed superfluous,” Howie said.

        “But maybe we went too fast,” JC said.  “Justin had never been with a man, and my feelings were so deep, maybe it was too much for him.  He didn’t really have time to get used to the idea of being with me before I was dragging him a lot farther into the relationship.  But I was ready.”

        “How did you get on this path?” Howie asked.  “When did you start elevating him?”

        “I loved Justin very intensely for a long time,” JC said.  “But I couldn’t have him, and that did things to my mindset.  He was so far out of my grasp, I began to resent him.  I even hated him.  I told him so.  And then when I finally got to have him, it was such a reversal, it was like being handed a miracle.  Justin is a miracle to me.  I was so grateful to have him, I could barely sleep at night because Justin was in bed beside me.  I expressed all of those feelings, and I continued to have them, so I continued to express them.  I still feel the same way.  Nothing’s changed.  I stop everything just to watch him walk across a room, and I celebrate the way he moves.”

        “It would be very difficult for anyone to be on the receiving end of that kind of devotion,” Howie said.

        JC smiled and said, without rancor, “You should know.”

        “But Justin, of all people…  Everyone’s always impressed at how grounded he is, because the five of you keep each other human.  No matter how big Chris and Joey get, they’ll always be Chris and Joey.  But Justin started his life from a different place.  Since he was a child, he was destined for something big.  His fame, not only his money and popularity, but also his influence, they grow year after year.  Month after month, it almost seems like.  From his mother to his handlers to his fans, everyone is telling him how special he is.  And now you, knowing him better than anyone, are adoring him to the point of worship.  It was bound to have an effect on him.”

        “I know,” JC said.  “I even saw it happening.  But maybe it’s only right.  Maybe that’s his right.”

        “You have to be suffering for it,” Howie said.

        “I am,” JC said.  “But I’m willing to suffer for Justin.”

        “It shouldn’t be that way,” Howie said.  “I’m willing to bet that anything you say to him or think about him could also apply to you.  You don’t need to lower yourself to lift him up.”

        “It’s going to be hard for him to change,” JC said.  “He’s come to expect certain things from me.  It’s funny.  Justin used to look up to me.  I think he still does.  Maybe that’s why he has such trouble with the way things are.  On the one hand, he’s glorying in the fact that someone he looks up to adores him this much, and he’s starting to abuse that.  On the other hand, he thinks that it can’t be real, because since he looks up to me I should be above him, and so he doesn’t trust that our relationship can last.”

        “That would be confusing,” Howie admitted.  “If you’re still stopping everything to watch Justin walk across a room, how can things change?  If you still do those things when he gets back, you’ll be right where you were.”

        “I know,” JC said.  “I’ll have to learn to do those things, and still stand up for myself.  Raise him without lowering myself, like you said.  And I think that Justin would be able to return my devotion, which would even things out.”

        Chris was in the doorway.  “Nick told me to fuck off.  How are things going in here?”

        “Good,” Howie said.  “We’re talking about adoring Justin.”

        “Justin’s pretty adorable,” Chris said.  “Don’t get any ideas.”

        “It’s all right,” Howie said.  “Justin isn’t my type.”

        “You still haven’t told me what your type is,” Chris said.

        “My type is men named Chris Kirkpatrick,” Howie said.

        “They’re in high demand,” Chris said.

        Nick showed up, pulling down his shirt.  He ran his hands through his hair.  “What did you want?”

        “I - - did you change?” Chris asked, turning to look at him.

        “Yeah,” Nick said.

        “It wasn’t so important you had to change clothes for it,” Chris said.

        “I came on my other shirt,” Nick said.  “I can go back and put it on again, if you want, but I-”

        “No, never mind, that’s all right,” Chris said.  “Excuse me while I hurl.”

        “Grow up,” Nick said.  “What did you want?”

        “You and I need to have a conference call with Brian and Joey,” Chris said.

        “Okay,” Nick said.

        His fair skin still showed the slight marks from AJ scratching down his chest.

        “It’s Nick.”

        “And Chris,” Chris added.

        “Can you get Brian to pick up an extension?” Nick asked.  “We’re having a conference.”

        “It was my idea,” Chris said.

        “Yeah, you’re the genius mastermind,” Nick said.

        Joey felt bad for JC being stuck with the two of them.  “Hold on.”  He turned to Justin.  “Can you go to your room?  We need to talk.”

        “Whatever.”  Justin got up and left, going back to the bedroom.

        “There’s an extension in the kitchen,” Joey said to Brian.  “Nick and Chris want a conference.”

        “Sure,” Brian said, going to the kitchen.  He came back with the phone.  “What’s going on?”

        “Hi, pixie,” Nick said.

        “Hey, sweetheart,” Brian said.  “How’s JC?”

        “He’s holding it together really well,” Nick said.  “He’s been doing great.  We talked about some interesting stuff.”

        “Did you tell Brian about the starting from scratch plan?” Chris asked.

        “Yeah,” Brian said.  “It sounds like it could work, if they put a lot into it.”

        “Did you tell Nick that Justin wants a divorce?” Joey asked.

        “What?” Nick demanded.  “A - - that little shit!”

        “No, I didn’t mention it,” Chris said.

        “How do you keep from hitting him?” Nick asked.

        “Justin, or Chris?” Joey asked.

        “Justin, but Chris, too,” Nick said.  “That little fucker!  He’s not - - fine, let him.  He deserves to be alone, if he’s acting like that.”

        “The way things are going, on our end,” Chris said, “we could be here indefinitely.  We can talk at JC all day, but none of it’s worth anything until we can see how he’s going to treat Justin when they’re together.  We can come up with all sorts of ideas and theories on why this and how that, but we need to see them in action to know how to help them.”

        “Every time I think Justin’s getting somewhere, he ruins it,” Joey said.  “I don’t even know how much of what we say is getting through to him anymore.  I think that he’s going crazy without JC.  Maybe literally.”

        “What else?  Did he read JC’s letter?” Nick asked.

        “No, he hasn’t read it,” Brian said.  “He will.”

        “He shaved his head,” Joey said.

        “What?” Chris asked.

        “Bald?” Nick asked.

        “Bald,” Joey said.

        “Damn,” Nick said.  “No more white boy afro?”

        “Bald?” Chris asked.

        “Are you hard of hearing?” Nick asked.

        “JC’s not going to like that,” Chris said.

        “What, and he’ll be super-excited about the whole divorce thing?” Nick asked.

        “How’s JC really doing?” Brian asked, politely cutting through the bickering.

        “We may have made some progress,” Chris said.  “Maybe.  It’s really hard to tell.”

        “We talked about him having the power in deciding where their relationship goes,” Nick said.  “We’re going to get him started on moving into their new house, so it’ll be ready when they’re ready.”

        “I think he’s going to be more laid-back,” Chris said.  “He wants more equality in their relationship.  He knows that if he wants things to change, and if he wants more give and take, he can’t cater to Justin’s every whim anymore.”

        “We think,” Nick said.

        “You want us to bring Justin home?” Brian asked.

        “You two come home, and leave him out there,” Nick said.

        “We were thinking that Justin can stay with you, Joey, and JC can find a temporary place,” Chris said.

        “Oh, no,” Joey said.  “JC can stay with me.  I’m not keeping Justin.”

        “We’re not taking him,” Nick said.

        “I can ask Howie,” Chris said.

        “House guests would cramp Howie’s style,” Nick said.  “Let Lance take him.”

        “We can’t leave Justin alone with Lance,” Joey said.  “They definitely can’t live together.”

        “We can’t let him alone unsupervised,” Nick said.  “He’s a lunatic on a good day.”

        “We’ll take him,” Brian said.

        “The hell we will,” Nick said.  “Not with Drew coming home.”

        “Who’s left?” Chris asked.  “Kevin?”

        Nick snorted.

        “That might not be a bad idea,” Brian said.

        “That’s a horrible idea,” Nick said.

        “We could try it,” Brian said.

        “Like Kevin would say yes,” Nick said.

        “Are you serious?” Joey asked Brian.

        “Nick’s right,” Brian said, “we can’t leave Justin alone.  You’re right, we can’t put him with Lance.  That leaves Kevin.”

        “Kevin has a girlfriend,” Nick said.

        “Shit,” Brian said.  “Let’s ask him anyway.  I’m running out of ideas.”

        “We could put him in a straitjacket and lock him in the laundry room,” Nick suggested.

        “Let’s call Kevin first,” Brian said.  “That’ll be Plan B.”

        “When are you guys coming home?” Nick asked.  “Tonight?”

        “I want to keep Justin here overnight,” Brian said.  “We’ll come home tomorrow.”

        “You suck,” Nick said.  “Are we done here?”

        “I guess so,” Chris said.

        “Good.  Everybody get off the phone so I can talk to Brian in privacy.”

        “Nice talking to you,” Joey said.

        “Yeah, you, too,” Nick said.  “Hang up.”

        Joey hung up and went to check on Justin.  As he left the room, he heard a quiet, pleased laugh from Brian.

        God, he missed Lance.

        He gave her the bag, returning her things.  She didn’t understand.  He told her that there was someone else.  She came close to crying, but held it back, and he respected her for that.  He suffered through one last kiss, for her sake.  She left.

        He was alone again.  Maybe that was the way things had to be.

        “Divorce,” Joey said.  “Your parents are divorced.”

        “So?”

        “I remember you saying you were never going to do that, that once you got married it would be forever.”

        “It’s not like we have kids,” Justin said.

        “It’s really lousy,” Joey said.  “You were the one who proposed, and you’re the one asking for a divorce.  You loved him enough, and believed in your love enough, to ask him to enter into marriage with you, and now you’re saying it’s not worth it anymore.”

        “It isn’t a real divorce,” Justin said.  “It wasn’t even a real marriage.”

        “What wasn’t real about it?  The love?  The commitment?  Your partnership?  It seemed real.  You believed in it.”

        “It wasn’t a legal marriage.”

        “You stood in front of everyone and joined into a covenant with God,” Joey said.  “If that isn’t binding, I don’t know what is.”

        “God will get over it,” Justin said.

        Joey laughed.  “You’d better hope so, or you’re going to have some explaining to do once you hit those pearly gates.”  He rubbed the back of Justin’s head.  “I’d miss the sex, though.”

        “What?” Justin asked.

        Joey shrugged.  “If I were you, I’d miss the sex.  I hope you know that the sex life you have right now isn’t because you’re the sexiest thing walking, it’s because of JC.  Once you’re out there on your own, it’s going to be different.  It won’t ever be that good again, I can guarantee you.  I’ve punched the ticket a few times myself, and I’ve never had it as good as you have.”

        “It’s not all JC,” Justin said.

        “I know he tells you how good you are,” Joey said.  “And I’m sure you are good.  I just want you to realize that after JC, you will never have sex that good again.  Ever.  In your life.”  Joey shook his head.  “There’s nobody like JC.”

        Justin muttered something.

        “I wonder what that’s like,” Joey said.  “Knowing that the best sex of your life is behind you.  The last time you had sex with JC was the last time like it, ever.  When was that, anyway?”

        Silence.

        “That’s right,” Joey said.  “It’s been a while.  You weren’t making love anymore.  Wow.  You had your last time ever, and you didn’t even know to take advantage of it.”

        “I’ll have sex again,” Justin snapped.

        “Not like that,” Joey said.

        “I’ll call the news,” Nick said.

        Brian laughed.  “I’m serious.  I was wrong about us.  I was wrong about wanting to be one.”

        “I probably don’t want to hear this,” Nick said.

        “We already are one,” Brian said.

        “Oh.  Keep going,” Nick said.

        “We’ve been one, Nick,” Brian said.  “For years now.  You and I are one.  I was wrong to try to get something I already have.  I forgot myself.  I’m sorry.”

        “It’s okay,” Nick said.

        “I don’t know how I could have been confused about something like that,” Brian said.  “I’m ashamed of myself.”

        “Maybe you just needed to feel it again,” Nick said.  “I’ve been away, you miss Drew, everything’s crazy, everybody’s crazy.  Maybe you just needed some kind of proof that there was still something stable.”

        “Does it hurt?” Brian asked.

        “No,” Nick said.  “Does yours?”

        “No,” Brian said.  “Nick.  Thank you.”

        “For what?”

        “For letting me.  For understanding.  For being patient with me.”

        “I like being one with you,” Nick said.  “It’s a little freaky sometimes, but I like it.”

        “If I get home tomorrow, I’ll be home when Drew gets home.”

        “Good,” Nick said.  “That’s the way things should be.”

        “I want to be one with him,” Brian said.  “The three of us.”

        “It’ll happen,” Nick said.  “We just need a little time.  More time together would be good, instead of all of this being apart and touring and everything.  You and I didn’t become one by being separated all of the time.”

        “Justin doesn’t really want to break his bond with JC.”

        “Maybe he does,” Nick said.  “Maybe it’s too much for him to handle.  Not everyone can be one with someone without losing himself.”

        “I miss you,” Brian said.

        “You’ve only been gone for a few hours,” Nick said.  “I miss you more, anyway.”

        “Are you going to sleep with JC tonight?”

        “Yeah, about that, what do I do?  Where should I do that?  I mean, I was going to stay in our bed, but then, I mean, it’s our bed, yours and mine and Drew’s, and I don’t want extra people in it.  But the guest room, I’m putting Howie and Chris in there.”

        “If you hadn’t insisted on turning every spare room into a TV room or a-”

        “I know, I know, but that’s not helping me right now.”

        “You could use the pull-out downstairs, where Howie slept last night,” Brian said.  “It’s comfortable.”

        “You don’t think I’m being weird?” Nick asked.  “It’s just a bed.”

        “It’s not just a bed,” Brian said.  “It’s our bed.  I know that when you sleep with JC tonight, you’re probably going to hold him, and that’s fine with me.  But it does make me feel a little more comfortable knowing that it won’t be in our bed.”

        “I won’t be holding him, holding him,” Nick said.  “I’ll just be holding him.”

        “I know.  It’s okay with me,” Brian said.  “JC’s lucky to have you.”

        “I talked to Drew,” Nick said.

        “And?”

        “I asked him about something, and we talked about something, and he got so hard, I could hear it in his breath, he was this close to coming.  But he wasn’t on it, he wasn’t touching himself.  He’s going to be ready to explode by the time he gets home.”

        “You were talking about what?” Brian asked.

        “Something I haven’t told you about yet.  I’m going to show you when you get home.  You won’t believe it.  It’ll be insane.  But that’s not the point.  The point is, Drew was horny, and it got me so hard, I jacked off.  But it’s weird.  I’m not used to being by myself, without either one of you.  I don’t remember the last time I masturbated by myself.  It’s weird, Brian.”

        “I’ll be home tomorrow.”

        “You’d better be.  I’m way too good at sex to be wasting it on myself.”

        Brian laughed.

        “I’m serious,” Nick said.

        “I know you are,” Brian said.  “I’m laughing because it’s true.  When you talk to JC, does he give you tips?”

        “Yeah, sometimes.  I’m not telling you which ones.”

        “Do you give him tips?”

        “Yeah, sure.  There was this - - never mind.  Why?”

        “I’m wondering how many people could actually give JC sex pointers.”

        Nick laughed.

        “I’m very proud of you,” Brian said.

        “Yeah, but you have to remember, I was a gay sex vet before JC ever got with Justin.  And I have more experience.”

        “There’s no one like you,” Brian said.

        “I was so good with you, by the time I got to Drew, he was blown away,” Nick said.  “All I had to do was kiss him and he was mine for life.”

        “All you have to do is look into my eyes and I’m yours forever,” Brian said.

        “Yeah, but it took us a few years to get to that point,” Nick said.

        “I don’t know,” Brian said.  “I think I felt that way from the beginning.”

        “The beginning?” Nick asked.  “Which beginning?”

        “When we first met,” Brian said.  “The very beginning.  It wasn’t sexual then, but there was something about you.  Every time our eyes met, it was like I saw you, and you saw me, and I felt…  It felt…  We belonged.  I think that even back then, I was yours.”

        “Brian,” Nick said, feeling it in his heart.  “God, this sucks, I wish you were here.”

        “I think that we were meant to be together,” Brian said.  “You were meant to meet Kevin, and Kevin was meant to call me, and you and I were meant to know each other.”

        “It wouldn’t have worked without you,” Nick said.

        “I love you,” Brian said.

        “I want to be there with you,” Nick said.

        “I’ll be home tomorrow,” Brian said.  “I want to be there with you, too, but I have to stay with Justin.  I’ll be there tomorrow.”

        “I love you,” Nick said.

        “I love you,” Brian said again.  “Good-bye, Nick.”

        “Bye.”  Nick hung up and sat back, sighing.  He had the best life of anyone he knew, but there were still things about it that flat-out sucked.  But, he had to remember, Drew would be home, and Brian was coming back.  And in the meantime, he had to help JC.

        “Hey, it’s Drew.  I don’t know why I’m calling, I know we’ve talked already today, I just wanted to hear your voice again.  I know you won’t take it the wrong way if I tell you I would give anything to have your mouth on me right now.  Call me later when you get a chance.”

        Brian listened to the message again.  Drew was hard, Nick was right, he could hear it in Drew’s breathing.  He dialed Drew’s number.

        “Hello?”

        “Drew, it’s Brian.”

        Drew’s voice was happy, warm, relieved.  “Brian.”

        “How are you?”

        “God, I miss you.  Just hearing your voice, I don’t even remember what I did today.  I love my job, I love 98 Degrees, I wouldn’t give these guys up for the world, but when I’m anywhere near you or Nick, nothing else matters.”

        “I know how you feel,” Brian said.  “When I hear you on the other end of the line, I could ditch everything to be where you are.”

        “Would you?” Drew asked.

        “I will, right now, if you need me to,” Brian said, serious about his offer.  “Drew, if you need me, I’ll be there.”

        Heartbeat.  “I think I needed to hear that,” Drew said.  “I talked to Nick, and he reminded me of how much I’ve put myself out there for him, and I needed to hear that.”

        “I don’t want you to need to hear that,” Brian said.  “I want you to know it, to have it inside you.  I don’t need to hear it, because I know it.  I know that Nick would drop the world and come to my side if I asked him to, and I know that I would do it for him in return.  I want you to know that I would do that for you, Drew.  Any day of my life.”

        “I would do that for you,” Drew said.  “I’ve never had to say it, because you were never going to ask that of me.  But if you ever need me, I’ll come to you.”

        “Do you need me there?” Brian asked.

        “No, no,” Drew said.  “I miss you.  I miss everything about you.  I miss things I never would have thought mattered before.”

        “How can I help?” Brian asked.

        “Talking to you is helping,” Drew said.  “Tell me what you did today.”

        Brian told him everything, and then Drew told Brian all about his day, and then they talked about the end of Drew’s tour, and then they talked about Nick, and then Brian was whispering things about forever and calling Drew “sweetheart,” and Drew was so in love he didn’t even mind.

        By the time Brian hung up, his heart was full and his soul was light; and maybe he and Drew weren’t one, but they would be someday, he’d swear to it on his life.

        “You’re sick of people asking this, but how are you?” Chris asked JC.

        “It’s strange,” JC said.  “I’ve been away from Justin for too long.  Weird things are happening.”

        “Weird like what?” Chris asked.

        “Weird like I never noticed before how good Howie looks.  He’s one of the most gorgeous men I’ve ever seen,” JC said.  “Maybe I never really looked at him before.”

        “What are you, blind?!” Chris demanded.  “No, no, I’m sorry, I should forgive you,” he said, calming himself.  “You were under the influence of Justin.  You wouldn’t have noticed Howie if he’d danced the hula naked on top of your bed.  Maybe I should be honored that you’re noticing Howie, since you’ve never noticed another man in your life.”

        JC had his head tilted slightly to one side, and was looking at Chris with a little too much attention.

        “What?” Chris asked.

        “There’s something about you,” JC said.  “I don’t know what to call it.”

        “It’s called charisma,” Chris said.  “I’m oozing with it.”

        “I can’t explain it,” JC said.  “I wonder if Howie could.”

        “Howie could what?” Howie asked, coming back in, handing Chris a drink, sitting beside him.

        “Explain what it is about Chris that makes him so sexy,” JC said.

        Chris almost choked on his drink.  “What?  Is the pot calling the snowman black?  You are hella sexy.  You are hella sexy also.  I’m what you would politely describe as outclassed.”

        “It’s his intelligence and his sense of humor,” Howie said to JC.  “It also helps when he takes care of himself.  When he’s running on a confidence high and dressing right and doing his hair right, there’s nothing better.”

        “Everyone makes bad hairstyle decisions,” Chris said.  “Let it be known that this conversation disturbs me greatly.”

        “You know Howie thinks you’re sexy,” JC said.

        “He has to think so,” Chris said.  “You, you have to stop it right now.”

        “What’s going on?” Nick asked.

        “JC is noticing that other men exist,” Chris said.  “It’s disturbing me, because apparently he’s lost all of his judgment functions.  Next he’ll be rambling on about how hot the ‘I’ve fallen and I can’t get up’ lady is.”

        “I’m not doing any more therapy today,” Nick said.  “I miss Drew and I miss Brian and I’m going to watch a movie and pretend I’m coping.  You two can go use the guest room if you want.”

        “Brian just left,” Chris said.  “You can’t miss him already.”

        “Screw you, I’ll miss whoever I want,” Nick said.  “I’m getting food.”  He left.

        “Excuse me,” Chris said, and went after Nick.  “Hey,” he said, catching up to Nick in the kitchen.

        “Now what?” Nick asked.

        “You don’t think I’m sexy, do you?” Chris asked.

        “Sure,” Nick said, opening the refrigerator.

        “What?” Chris asked.  “Be honest.”

        “You’re irritating as hell, but you’re still sexy,” Nick said.  “I’d do you.  Where did Brian put the chicken?”

        “Are you lying to me?”

        “No,” Nick said.  “I don’t have to lie to you just to be nice, because Howie’s not here to get upset with me if I’m rude.  I think you’re sexy.  Not like JC sexy, but still sexy.  Damn it, where’s the, here.”

        “You think I’m sexy,” Chris said, unable to grasp the concept.

        “Sure,” Nick said.

        “What about Joey?” Chris asked, for comparison.

        “Eh,” Nick said.  “He’s handsome, but I wouldn’t do him.”

        Chris leaned back against the wall, trying to absorb this shock.

        “Ketchup,” Nick said to himself, rummaging.

        “I think I love you,” Chris said.

        “Great,” Nick said.  “Where’d we hide the knives?”

        Justin stretched out on his back on the bed.  Freedom.  It felt great.  The world was full of possibilities.  He could do anything.

        Brian came in and sat beside him.  “We’re about to go to bed.  I wanted to check if you needed anything before I go.”

        “Go?” Justin asked.

        “To bed,” Brian said.

        “Where are you sleeping?” Justin asked, sitting up.

        “Down the hall.  Joey’s sleeping out on the sofa.”

        “You’re not staying here with me?” Justin asked.

        “No,” Brian said.  “You’re going to have to get used to sleeping by yourself, anyway.  Did you want anything?”

        “No,” Justin said, oddly discomfited, and lay back down.

        “All right,” Brian said.  “I’ll be right down the hall, just in case.  Good night.”  He squeezed Justin’s hand and left, closing the door.

        Justin got up and brushed his teeth.  When he got a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he looked away from the bald, gaunt-eyed, haunted-looking man he saw.  He turned off the lights and got in bed.

        A bed to himself.  All to himself.  He’d only share a bed when he chose to, with women.  No more bony JC.  Justin rolled around to find a comfortable spot.

        This was going to be great.

        “Sorry I’m calling so late,” Nick said.  “I’m not interrupting anything, am I?”

        “No,” Kevin said.  “What’s going on?”

        “Well, we’re bringing Justin home again, only I haven’t quite told JC that yet.  Anyway,” Nick said, going through the kitchen cabinets, “they’re staying in separate places before they move into their new house.  JC’s staying with Joey, and we were wondering if Justin could stay with you.”

        “Justin?” Kevin asked.  “Here?”

        “Yeah,” Nick said.  “It’s okay, he’s had all of his shots.  He only bites when he’s really mad.”

        “I don’t think so,” Kevin said.  “He’s not going to be comfortable here with me, and I won’t know what to do with him.”

        “If he’s horrible, we’ll do something else,” Nick said.  “Can you try it for a day or two, until we find another home for him?”

        “As long as the rest of you are around to look after him most of the time,” Kevin said.

        “We’re not going to leave the two of you alone together,” Nick said.  “Come on, Kevin, I wouldn’t do that to you.  Or him.”

        “All right,” Kevin said.  “For a day or two.  No longer.”

        “Thank you, Kevin,” Nick said sweetly.

        “You’re welcome,” Kevin said.  “Justin’s coming home.  Is that a good sign?”

        “That’s a sign that we’re all in over our heads and just can’t admit it,” Nick said.  “Hey, how did everything go with that psychiatrist guy you went to visit?”

        Kevin laughed.