Copyright April 2, 2002-September 22, 2003 by Matthew Haldeman-Time

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Thus far we've had JC/Justin, Nick/Drew/Brian, Nick/Jeff, Nick/Drew/Brian/Nick/Jeff, AJ/Lance, AJ/Howie, AJ/Kevin, Chris/Howie, and partridge/pear tree.

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashwriters.

Wherein Drew won't go behind Brian's back, AJ can screw anybody he wants, and could JC be mellowing?

Notice: First, read "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," "Rest in Peace," "Destiny," and "Together." I know it sounds like a lot, but it'll only take you an hour or two.

        “Because you want to be there for JC,” Howie said.

        “JC’s fine,” Chris said, watching Howie tie his shoes.  “He’s with Lance.”

        Howie snorted, standing, reaching for his watch.

        Chris realized what he’d said.  “On second thought, let’s hurry.”

        “Do you want to take anything else?” Howie asked.

        “I could replenish my underwear supply,” Chris admitted.

        “I was thinking of packing a bag, too,” Howie said.  “Not that I’m much help to JC, but like I said, I want to be where you are.”

        “Lube,” Chris said.  “Lots of lube.”

        “JC might want to sleep with you,” Howie said.  “I don’t want him to think that just because I’m there, he can’t be with you, if you make him feel better at night.”

        “JC hates me.  We never speak.  I barely know the man.  I’m sure he’ll be much more comfortable sharing a bed with Nick and leaving me with you.”

        Howie smiled.  “All right.  I’ll pack the lube, just in case.”

        Chris got some underwear, then stood by and watched Howie.  “Are you really going to wear that?”

        “Wear what?” Howie asked, mid-pack.

        “The…the necklace,” Chris said.  His necklace.  The one Howie had taken from him.

        “I like it,” Howie said.

        “That’s okay, you’re well within your rights,” Chris said, and shifted his weight from one foot to the other, crossing and uncrossing his arms.

        “What?” Howie asked, tossing socks into his bag.

        “Nothing,” Chris said.

        “If you staring at me made me at all nervous, we would have been in real trouble,” Howie said, and zipped his bag shut.

        “What?” Chris asked, unfolding his arms.  “Are you trying to say that, that I stare at you?”

        “You stare at me,” Howie said.

        “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Chris said.  He wanted to kiss Howie right where the necklace rested.  It was one of the shorter, tighter necklaces, and it was somewhat close around the base of Howie’s neck.

        “Before we go, I…”  Howie pushed up his shirtsleeves.  “I’m sorry that I made you chase me down today.”

        “I was expecting you to be upset, and I was pretty sure you were going to break up with me, and I’d already promised myself I’d run you ragged until you took me back.  But you broke up with me for the wrong reason.”

        “The wrong reason?” Howie asked.

        “I betrayed your trust.  We’ve already been over the Steve thing, and obviously you don’t want me around him, especially behind your back.  Not that there was any-”

        “I know,” Howie said.  “I know you wouldn’t.”

        “I’m not looking anywhere else for things I don’t get from you,” Chris said.  “Whatever I get, will be from you.  If you don’t have it, I’ll do without it.”

        “No,” Howie said, and sounded frustrated, disappointed.  “Take things from me.  Demand things from me.  Have expectations.  Your opinions of me have been idealistic but never unrealistic.  If there are things you want, Chris, out of life, out of this relationship, from me, then I want you to have them.  Ask me for them.  I will do my best.”

        “Ask you for them,” Chris repeated, and stepped into dangerous territory.

        “Ask me,” Howie said, and if Chris didn’t know better, he’d think that Howie knew, that the firm plea in Howie’s voice and the look in Howie’s eye signalled something.  But Howie couldn’t know.  Unless Howie had heard him, unless, unless, and Chris stepped back, faltering.  And then something turned off in Howie’s eyes, something closed down, and Howie turned away, picking up the bag.  “JC’s waiting.”

        Chris followed Howie to the car with lead in his stomach.  Only when Howie turned the key did he realize that they were in his car.  They were so at ease with each other, that had to mean something.  He risked a glance, said Howie’s name.

        Howie turned to him with a small smile.  Howie was hurt, and he didn’t know why, only he was afraid that he did know why.  Or maybe Howie didn’t know the specifics, didn’t know that The Question was looming between them, only knew that he wanted something and couldn’t ask Howie for it, and that was enough to cause pain and doubt to hide behind Howie’s smile.

        “You were in love with me back then?” Chris asked.  Where the hell - - that question had jumped in from left field.  Still, “From the beginning?  That early?”

        “Yes,” Howie said.  “I woke up, and there you were, beside me.  I wanted to wake up with you there beside me every day.”  It looked like a good memory; it put a sweet shine in glossy-dark eyes.

        “Why did…why did we have sex?  Why did you let me…  Why?”  There.  It was out, it was there, it wasn’t The Question but it had been eating at him and eating at him until he didn’t think he’d ever understand this relationship without the answer.

        Howie’s lips quirked in a puzzled, amused frown.  “Because I wanted to.  I wanted you.”

        “I wasn’t the first guy, was I?  I couldn’t have been.”

        Howie tilted his head, narrowing his eyes.  “Does it matter?”

        “Yes!” exploded from within.  “No, it doesn’t, I mean, it doesn’t, but yes!  It does!”

        Howie shifted into reverse and glanced into the rearview mirror, then back at him.  “Why would it matter?”

        “Why can’t you tell me?!”

        “What are you looking for?” Howie asked.  “Whatever the answer is, will it be enough?  I don’t know what you want, but I don’t think that any answer I can give will satisfy you.”

        “Maybe by now we’ve been together long enough that I’ve wormed my way into your heart, but what about in the beginning?  Why did you even give me the time and the opportunity?  Why did you pick me?  Why did you-”

        “We’re either going to have to discuss this later, or go back into the house,” Howie said.

        “Why are you so evasive?!”

        “Chris, I only meant that I don’t want to have a big discussion in the car, either while driving or here in the driveway.”

        “Fine.  Let’s go.  We’ve left JC alone with Lance too long, anyway.”  Chris looked resolutely through the windshield.

        “Chris,” Howie said.  “We can talk about it now if you want to-”

        “I’ve gone this long without knowing why the hell you’re with me, I can wait,” he snapped, and immediately wished he hadn’t said it.  He was cutting too close to home, slicing himself too deeply.

        “Why I’m with you?” Howie repeated.  “Why I’m with you?  You know why I’m with you.  I’m with you because I love you, and I love you because I know you.  It’s not much more complicated than that.  Is it ever?”

        “Forget it,” Chris said.

        “Forget what?” Howie demanded.  “Chris, what are you trying to get from me?  What do you want me to say?”

        “Nothing,” Chris said.

        “You know that I love you.  I know you know that I love you.”

        Immediately he was humbled, and ashamed.  “Yes,” he said, more quietly, without hostility.  He met Howie’s eyes.

        “Then what else do you want?” Howie asked, frustrated and at a loss.

        “I don’t know,” Chris said.

        “You do,” Howie said.

        “I want to know it’ll last,” Chris said, letting it out.  “I want some kind of security.  I want the luxury to believe in the fantasy of growing old together.  I have too many doubts.”

        “You doubt me,” Howie said.

        “I doubt both of us,” Chris said, because he did.

        “How can I change that?” Howie asked.

        “I don’t know,” Chris said.  “You can’t do much about it.  Even the parts where I doubt you, I’m really doubting myself.  I doubt that you’ll still want me in two years.  I doubt that I’ll hold your interest once I’m forty.”

        “You are doubting me,” Howie said.  “You doubt my love.”

        “I doubt I’m worthy of your sustained focus.”

        “You doubt my love,” Howie said.

        “It’s not your fault,” Chris said.

        “How is that not my fault?” Howie asked.  “I’m still falling short.  I’m still not showing you-”

        “You try,” Chris said.  “You try.  It’s in your voice, it’s in your eyes, it’s in your touch.  I know that you love me.  You’re open, you express it, apparently people watching us can tell.  It’s me, it’s my fault.  I don’t know what I’m going to have to offer you five years from now.  I’m pulling out all of the stops and showing you all of my tricks now.”

        “In five years, you’ll be different.  You’ll have projects and interests and stories.  You’re a busy guy.”  Howie smiled the smile of a man in love.  “I’m never worried that you’ll bore me.”

        “Do you really think you’ll love me this much in fifty years?” Chris asked.

        Howie kissed him, kissed him again.  “I’ll love you more.”  Kissed him again, again, sliding a hand along his jaw.

        Chris felt…floaty…inside.  Bubbly?  Like his stomach was up somewhere in his chest, and comfortable there.  He closed his eyes and let Howie kiss him.

        AJ looked…amazing.  Healthy, well-rested, in a tank top and jeans, his tattoos on casual display, his incredible lashes framing eyes full of shock.

        Kevin knew, immediately, because he knew AJ, because when he chose to he could read AJ better than anyone, that AJ was as surprised to see him as he was to see AJ.  Even more so.  AJ had not expected to see him.  Howie had set them up.

        “Kevin,” AJ said, and it had been so long since he’d heard AJ’s voice, the sound of it startled him with its familiarity.  His name in AJ’s voice, from AJ’s mouth, off of AJ’s tongue, it was right, it belonged.

        “You’re not a psychiatrist,” Kevin said.

        AJ didn’t ask him to explain that, seeming to understand.  “You’re not Howie.”

        “You look…”  Kevin didn’t know what to say.

        “…good,” AJ said, too low and too tense, and suddenly AJ’s eyes were on fire, and the way AJ was standing there in the doorway looked both predatory and invitational, in a way that was pure, pure AJ.  However else AJ felt, about him or anyone else, AJ wanted him.  AJ’s gaze swept him, burned him, asked him.  Sucked him in.

        Kevin had it in him to take AJ right there on the floor.

        “Come in,” AJ said, dropping back to allow entrance.  Kevin came into the room; AJ closed the door.  They faced each other.

        AJ’s scent was clean and bare.  He’d bathed.  Kevin remembered the sexual scent of him, sweat and musk.  Kevin knew how to make him smell like that again.  Wanted to.

        “It’s been a while,” AJ said.  “How’ve you been?”

        “Fine,” Kevin said.  “I hear you’ve been travelling.”

        “Yeah,” AJ said.  “Canada, mostly.”

        “Canada?” Kevin asked.  “We’ve been all around the world, and you chose Canada?”

        “I don’t have as many memories there,” AJ said.

        Kevin could understand that.  He spoke, wanting to hold a normal conversation.  There shouldn’t be any awkwardness between him and AJ.  “My memories of Canada are of Nick.”

        “Running around saying ‘eh’ at the end of each sentence,” AJ said, finishing his thought.  “Mine, too.”

        “You’ve lost weight,” Kevin said.  He didn’t like it.

        AJ shrugged.

        “You have to-”

        “-take care of myself, I know,” AJ said impatiently.  “You walk in the door and already you’re-”

        “I am not trying to control you,” Kevin said, breaking in.  “It might be nice if you’d demonstrate some kind of ability to-”

        “Don’t,” AJ said sharply.  “I’m not Nick, and you can’t pull that on me.”

        “You disappeared!  You dropped everything and took off!  No one knew where you were going or-”

        “I needed a break!” AJ shouted.  “I have the time, money, and independence to be where I want to be when I want to be there.  I stayed in touch with Howie, Nick, Bri-”

        “Be where you want to be when you want to be there?” Kevin repeated, not wanting to hear a list he knew didn’t have his name on it.  “That’s mature, AJ.  What about where you should be, whether you want to be there or not?”

        “I had no obligations!  I said I’d be back in time for the Fools, and I will be!”

        “All right,” Kevin said, “and where do you want to be now?”

        “Get off my back, Kevin,” AJ warned.

        Kevin hated this tension between them.  It wasn’t right.  He’d sworn that they’d always be friends, that his feelings wouldn’t interfere in their friendship, but what was happening between them now was a direct result of what shouldn’t have happened between them in Kendig.  He sat on the plush armchair with a sigh.

        AJ took a slow turn around the room.

        “I don’t want to fight with you,” Kevin said.

        “What do you want?” AJ asked, stopping by the foot of the bed.

        To make love to you.  “To talk to you,” Kevin said.  To press you down into the mattress and feel your body under mine.  “To know how you really are.”

        AJ walked closer again.

        He wanted to lick AJ’s skin until every last drop of ink was gone, and then mark AJ again, with his mark, his imprint, his permanent claim.  “What do you want?” Kevin asked, returning the question.

        “What do I want?” AJ asked, coming to a slow stop in front of him, feet carefully placed.

        “I know you didn’t expect me here.  I can go,” Kevin offered.  Go?  Stay.  Take.  Cover each stain of ink with the stain of his sweat, his cum.  Discover new worlds in the taste of AJ’s tongue.  Brand himself with AJ’s heat.

        “No, don’t go,” AJ said, and put a knee between Kevin’s thighs on the cushion, his hands coming behind Kevin’s shoulders for balance.  With predatory ease, AJ was kneeling astride him, dangerously close.  “Why don’t you,” one hand flicked open the first button on Kevin’s shirt, “stay for a while.”

        Yes, yes, yes.  The animal need in Kevin, the animal in Kevin who needed, surged forth, demanding.  He wanted AJ, wanted to experience AJ that way again, wanted to feel those things.  Wanted to feel, at all.  The world was so much duller without AJ, everything muted, from sound to color.  AJ made him feel, and feeling was living.  All of AJ’s heat and passion, all of AJ’s sexuality and potency, he wanted to live through again.

        He wanted to rip off AJ’s clothes and make love to AJ’s body until the world ended.

        But it would be AJ’s body, alone.  Not AJ’s heart, much less AJ’s soul.  He could only touch AJ to a point, and not beyond.

        He’d been there before.

        He wouldn’t go through it again.

        AJ’s hands framed his face; AJ leaned in to kiss him.

        Those dark eyes, those well-defined lips, those long lashes.  AJ’s presence, AJ’s touch, crowding and overwhelming.  The promise of a kiss to come.

        Kevin turned his face at the last second, closing his eyes, denying himself and AJ at once.  AJ’s kiss skidded across his cheek.

        Undaunted, AJ slid his hands back, fingers splayed along Kevin’s neck, then crawling into his hair, close against his scalp.  “Fuck me,” AJ said, his voice low and rough.  “I know you want it and it’s been so long…”

        AJ had said the words, AJ had asked him; AJ wanted to be fucked, wanted him to do it.  It was what he’d wanted, what he’d dreamt about, fantasized about, but it wasn’t enough.  It never had been enough, but he’d lied to himself to pretend.  “No,” Kevin said, and opened his eyes.  “No.”

        “Why not?” AJ asked, tugging at the open collar of his shirt, fingers slipping inside to stroke his chest.  “You want me, it’s all over you.  I want you all over me.”

        “No,” Kevin said, capturing AJ’s hand and keeping it still in his own.  “It’s not right.  I didn’t come here for this, and neither did you.”

        “But now we are here,” AJ said.  “Together.”  He leaned in closer, their hands clasped between their chests.  His eyes smoldered.  His voice was low.  “Kevin.”

        “I didn’t come here for this,” Kevin said, pushing at AJ.  He would have pulled back if he’d had anywhere to go.  “You didn’t come here for this.”

        “But we’re here,” AJ said.  “Right now, we’re here.”

        People like AJ, like Nick, were in the here, the now.  He’d always had trouble with that.  It was almost easier for him to understand Brian, who lived in the future, in the yet-to-come.  He’d done it once, lived in the present, and he’d been with AJ, and it had cost him.  He’d learned.  He couldn’t live in the moment, if the moment wasn’t right.  This moment wasn’t right.

        “We’re here by accident, by chance, not by choice,” Kevin said.  “You didn’t decide this; you fell into it.”

        “That doesn’t matter,” AJ said, tensing.

        “It’s all that matters!”  Kevin shoved; AJ fell, landing hard on his back on the floor.  Kevin stood and kicked the chair back, making room, walking away, pacing around to the other side of the bed.

        AJ jumped to his feet, crawled lizard-quick across the bed, and grabbed Kevin’s sleeve, jerking him around.  “Don’t you ever do that again!”

        “Don’t you come on to me when you don’t want me!” Kevin shouted back, yanking free.

        AJ was off of the bed, standing in front of him.  “I don’t want you?!”

        “I’m here, it’s convenient, that’s all.  If you really wanted me, you’d have come to me about it by now.  You don’t want me, that’s fine, AJ, I think I can get over it.”

        “Fuck you,” AJ said, burning with it.  “Fuck you.”

        “Have a nice life with Lance or some other guy or a woman or whatever you’re into now.  Enjoy yourself.  I’ll see you when we’re back in the studio.”  Kevin turned and headed for the door.

        AJ’s hands were strong, pulling him back.  “You’re going back to her?!” AJ demanded.  “You say no to me and go to her?!”

        “Molly is my girlfriend,” Kevin said.  “This isn’t about her, AJ, this is about you.  Everything’s about you, always about you.  You love it that way, you need the attention.  Fine, it’s about you.  You’re still running around doing whatever comes easiest.  It was easy to love Lance.  When that wasn’t so easy anymore, it was easy to fall into bed with me to hurt him and end it.  Now I’m here, you’re lonely, it’s easy to go back to me again, at least for tonight.  But you still don’t love me.  And I won’t let you use me again.”

        “Use you?” AJ repeated.  “You were using me!  You used me.  You wanted me, you saw your chance, and you took it.  I was hurt and confused, and you-”

        “And I what, took advantage of your bewildered innocence?” Kevin demanded.  “Hurt and confused, you weren’t exactly a wandering virgin, AJ.  You were a grown man who’d cheated on his lover by screwing around.  It happens.  It would be great if one of you could get over it.”

        “Are you serious about her?” AJ asked, getting in his face.  “Are you going to stay with her?  Does she give better head than I do?”

        “Yes,” Kevin said.  “Yes.  And yes.”

        “Damn you!” AJ shouted, and shoved him into the wall, hard.  “Fuck you!”

        Kevin pushed off of the wall, trying hard not to push AJ in return.  “It was fine for you not to want me, as long as no one else had me?  Now someone else is interested, and you’re upset that someone’s playing with your old toys?  Your feelings haven’t changed, AJ.  You don’t want me any more now than you did before.”

        “You’ve never known what I wanted!” AJ shouted.  “You never knew what to do with me.  I never fit in around you.  Brian was your family, Howie was your equal, Nick was your little boy, and there I was, not quite one, not quite the other.”

        “You wanted attention and love and more attention,” Kevin said.  “And you wanted space and freedom and independence.  That’s the thing about you, AJ.  You want everything.  All at once.”

        “You never want anything,” AJ said.

        “I don’t waste my time and energy wishing for things I won’t want once I have them,” Kevin said.  “I’ve put all of that time and energy into one thing, into wanting it, just one thing, for what feels like all of my life now.  All I’ve ever wanted is one thing, and I’m never going to get it.  Do you know what that’s like?”

        “It’s your fault,” AJ said.

        “It’s no one’s fault,” Kevin said.

        “It’s your fault,” AJ said again.  “You’re a coward.”

        “I’m a coward?  You ran to Canada!”

        “You want me,” AJ said.  “How long have you wanted me?  Five years?  Ten?  Since we met?  And what have you done about it, Kevin?  You never made your move.  If I hadn’t thrown myself at you in my most vulnerable moment, you’d still be wondering what I taste like.”

        “I have self-restraint,” Kevin said.  “And I know what I want.  You’ve never been able to figure out what you want.”

        “I know what I want,” AJ said.

        “And what would that be?” Kevin asked, not believing him for a second.

        “I want you to tell me the truth.”

        “The truth,” Kevin said.  “What kind of truth?”

        “Does your heart still beat my name?”

        Kevin turned his face to the side, waiting for the world to stabilize.  “You can’t ask me that,” he said, controlled, low.

        “Do you love me?” AJ asked.  “More than you love her?”

        “You can’t demand my attention anymore,” Kevin said, meeting his eyes, feeling a slow rise of anger.  “You made it clear that you didn’t want me.  I found someone.  I deserve my own happiness.”

        “With her?” AJ asked.  “Can she make you happy?”

        “It’s not about her!  It’s about me!” Kevin yelled.  “You aren’t serious about me!  I don’t think you ever will be!  I cannot spend my life waiting!”

        “Then you don’t love me,” AJ said.

        “It’s not about that!  God damn it, AJ, Nick loves Brian so much it changes the air around them, but even he went out and got a boyfriend after a while.  I am not waiting for you forever, especially not when it doesn’t look like you’ll ever turn to me.”

        “What the hell do you think this is?!” AJ exploded.  “I’m turning to you, I’m begging you, and you’re walking out of the fucking room!”

        “Begging me?” Kevin asked.  “AJ McLean doesn’t beg.”

        “I shouldn’t have to beg,” AJ said.

        “You arrogant jackass!”  Kevin could have hit him.  “You may act like you’re God’s gift to…damn near everyone, and I may think you’re God’s gift to damn near everyone, but you are not!  You are prideful, stubborn, and lonely.  You don’t know what you want or how to get it.  If-”

        “I want you!” AJ shouted.  “I know what I want, fuck you, I’ve always known!  I want you!”

        Kevin’s gaze hardened.  “Then you have a hell of a lot of work in front of you, AJ.  I don’t believe you, and I don’t trust your judgment, and I am not letting you use me to get yourself out of another bad situation.”  He walked out.

        “What a great host,” Chris said.  “You must watch a lot of Martha Stewart.  Read a lot of Miss Manners.  That sort of thing.”

        Howie gently pushed Chris into the house, following him in, closing the door.  “Sorry we ran out,” he said to Nick.

        “You’re cool,” Nick said.  “Lance!”

        Chris coughed politely.  “Allow me.”  He braced himself.  “Lance!”

        Nick jerked back.  “Damn.”

        “It’s all in the pitch,” Chris said.

        “One only dogs can hear,” Nick said.

        “Mind if I stay tonight?” Howie asked.

        “No, go ahead,” Nick said, not thinking twice.  “You can have the guest room.  I guess you probably want Chris with you, so I’ll take JC.”

        “Are you sure?” Howie asked.  “That’s the bed you share with Brian and Drew.”

        “It’s not a religious artifact or anything,” Nick said.  “Except Drew lost his virginity there.  I don’t know, I already changed the sheets.  It’s just JC.  Great, now I feel weird about it.  Thanks, Howie.”

        “Sorry,” Howie said.

        “Drew lost his virginity there?” Chris asked.

        “Where did you lose yours?” Nick asked.

        Chris stared.  “You’re the nosiest person I’ve ever met.”

        Nick shrugged.

        “Where did you lose yours?” Chris asked.

        “Nowhere,” Nick said.  “Still have it.”

        Lance wandered out to the foyer.  “You called?” he asked with a tolerant drawl.

        “He’s here,” Nick said.  “You can go.”

        “I’d like to stay with JC,” Lance said.  “That’s the point of this, for us to help him.”

        “Help him get sane, not help him get laid,” Nick said.

        “I don’t know, I thought you’d be taking care of both of those things,” Lance said.

        “Didn’t you used to be the nice one?” Nick asked.

        “Didn’t you used to be the fuckable - - oh, no, I guess you still are,” Lance said.

        “You should know,” Nick said.  “You’ve been checking out my ass all day.”

        “It’s such a high-traffic landmark,” Lance said with feigned admiration.

        “High-traffic landmark?” Nick asked.

        “Quick, run before he figures out what that means,” Chris said.

        “Chris,” Howie said.

        “Although he got me with that ‘religious artifact’ comment,” Chris added.  “That was unexpected.”

        “Chris!” Howie said.

        “What?” Chris asked.

        “Get out,” Nick said to Lance.

        “I’ll leave if JC wants me to go,” Lance said, leaning against the newel post.

        “He wants you to go,” Nick said.  “Bye.”

        “He didn’t say that,” Lance said.

        “He doesn’t want to say it to your face and hurt your feelings,” Nick said.  “JC’s a nice guy.  I don’t have to be.  Get out.”

        “I’m here for JC, not for you,” Lance said.  “I don’t care what you want.”

        “It’s my house,” Nick said.

        “So throw me out,” Lance said, a casual challenge.

        “Yeah, let’s resort to violence,” Chris suggested.  “Five bucks on Nick.”

        “You’re betting against me?” Lance asked.

        “He’s bigger, and you tried to ruin my relationship with Howie,” Chris said.

        “You and Howie seem fine,” Lance said.

        “Oh, well, then, I guess it’s okay,” Chris said sarcastically.

        “JC,” Howie said, the first to spot him as he came around the corner.

        “You’re back,” JC said, hugging Chris.

        “Yeah,” Chris said.  “Sorry about that.  We had to run out for a minute.”

        “You’re all right?” JC asked, letting go of Chris, gravitating backwards towards Nick.

        “Oh, yeah, fine,” Chris said.  “Happier than Lance in a gay bar.”

        “Lance was just about to leave,” Nick said.

        “No, I wasn’t,” Lance said.

        “You just tried to break up Chris and Howie,” Nick said.

        “Why don’t you go, take a break, and come back to wreak more havoc tomorrow?” Chris suggested.

        “JC?” Lance asked.

        JC stepped forward and hugged him.  “Chris is here.  I’ll be all right.  You have your own life to take care of.”

        Lance looked at JC closely.  “You’re right.  I do.”  He reached for the doorknob.  “I’ll see you later.”  He left.

        “I don’t feel good about that,” Chris said.

        “Come on,” Nick said, reaching for JC.  “JC and I have to talk about something personal really quick, and then we need to have some therapy, so don’t go anywhere.”

        “Don’t touch that dial,” Chris said to Howie as Nick took JC to another room.

        AJ was in there.

        His AJ.

        AJ’s hands heated against his face, middle finger brushing the sensitive spot behind his earlobe, the soft breath against his mouth, the brush of lips as he’d turned his head.  He’d refused AJ’s kiss.  He’d rejected AJ’s body.

        He couldn’t go home.

        He couldn’t go back to her.

        He couldn’t stand the thought of her soft curves.  Couldn’t bear the memory of her hands on his flesh.

        “Fuck me.”

        Kevin gripped the doorframe in both hands.  Head lowered, he whispered, “Alex.”

        The door fell away.  AJ was there.

        The doorbell rang.

        “Justin,” he said determinedly, with extra emphasis on the first syllable.

        Joey walked around him to get to the door.

        Facing the mirror on the wall: “Justin,” he said firmly.

        Joey opened the door.  “Please be sane.”

        “Hi,” Brian said with a smile.  “How’re you?”

        “I’m great,” Joey said, taking his bag from him, letting him into the house.  “Justin, we have company.”

        “Oh my god,” Brian said, staring in amazement.  “What happened?”

        “Justin,” Justin told the mirror.  “Justin,” he insisted.  “Justin!  Justin!” he shouted, slamming his fist into the wall.

        “Justin,” Joey said, pulling him away from the mirror, “tell Brian what happened to your hair.”

        “Brian?” Justin asked, and embraced him.

        “How are you?” Brian asked.  “How’ve you been doing?  Where’s your hair?”  He ran his hand over Justin’s bald head.

        “Have you seen JC?” Justin asked.

        “Yes, I’ve been with him,” Brian said.  “Tell me how you are, first.”

        “I’m Justin,” Justin said.  “I’m me now, not JC’s baby.  I have to find out who I am.”

        “Justin, that’s great,” Brian said.

        “I want to be myself again,” Justin said.  “I can’t be him anymore.  I can’t be his anymore.  He smothers me.  He suffocates me.  He pushes and pushes, so hard, and then he pulls away, and all the time he’s looking at me, looking at me with those eyes, so cold…”

        “Cold?” Brian asked.

        “Justin, I’m Justin,” Justin said.  “Justin Timberlake.”

        “Justin Timberlake Chasez,” Joey corrected.

        “No!  I’m not his!” Justin shouted suddenly.  He shook his head.  His voice was remarkably calmer when he said, “Justin Timberlake.”

        “You are married,” Brian said.  “You took his name, and he took yours.  You’re partners.  Equals.”

        “He’s always trying to own me,” Justin said.  “I’m a possession, a toy, he wants to put me in a glass case and admire me and not let anyone else near.  He can’t own me, I’m real, I’m a person, I’m Justin.”

        “JC and I talked,” Brian said.  “He wants to see you shine on your own.  He doesn’t want to hold you back.  You can have a healthy marriage and explore your independence at the same time.”

        “He put his stamp on me!” Justin shouted, abruptly loud again.  “He signed me, he marked me.  He sees me as flesh, an animal, not a human being.”

        “No, Justin, he doesn’t,” Brian said.

        “He tattooed his name on my ass!  Would you tattoo your name on Nick’s ass?” Justin demanded.

        “No,” Brian said.

        “I thought you got the tattoo without him,” Joey said.

        “Justin,” Justin said to himself.

        “Justin, you can gain your independence,” Brian said.  “You don’t have to tear down JC to do it.  You don’t have to be angry at him.”

        “I have to push him away.  He won’t let me go.”

        “You don’t want to leave him for good, do you?  I thought you wanted a sense of yourself, your own ideas and voice and identity, not a divorce.”

        “He won’t let me,” Justin said.  “I have to get rid of him to be myself.”

        “I’ve been talking to JC, and I don’t agree,” Brian said.  “Maybe you felt that way before, but things are different now.  JC wants to be different now.”

        “He can’t change,” Justin snapped.

        “Then why are you giving him your hair?” Joey asked.  “If you’re right, that would just encourage him.”

        “Okay, let’s get rid of it,” Justin said.

        “We saved it for him on purpose,” Joey said.

        “What’s your point?” Justin demanded.

        “You’re full of shit, and I don’t know why,” Joey said.  “Saying JC tattooed you, when we all know he doesn’t want you to get any more tattoos.  Acting like you want to get rid of him, when you don’t.”

        “Just like JC,” Justin said.  “Thinking you know what I want, what’s best for me.  You don’t know!  That’s the kind of bullshit that turned me into someone else.  He always acted like he knew just what I was thinking and exactly what I needed, and he was so sure about it, I thought maybe he was right, and I started to act like that.  He turned me into someone else with all of that bullshit!  I’m Justin, I know what I’m thinking, I’m in charge of myself, you don’t know what’s best for me!” he yelled.

        “Joey isn’t telling you what to do,” Brian said.  “He and I are trying to understand you.  Let’s not worry about JC right now.  Let’s talk about who Justin Timberlake is.”

        Kevin reached his hand down, hooking two fingers behind AJ’s fly, pushing AJ back into the room.

        “I don’t know if that offer’s still good,” AJ said.

        “Don’t be coy,” Kevin said, kicking the door shut behind himself.  “It doesn’t suit you.”  He pushed AJ against the bedpost.

        AJ’s hands went up, over his head, closing on the wood.  “You walked out.  You can’t come back.”

        Kevin yanked AJ’s pants open.  “I’m doing what you accused me of.”

        “What’s that?” AJ asked, one hand dropping to Kevin’s neck, pulling Kevin in until their mouths met.

        “Using you,” Kevin said, and kissed him.

        JC was gazing into space, off in Justin-land.

        “Hey.”  Nick poked him to get his attention.  JC returned to the present.  “How do you feel about blood?” Nick asked.

        “Blood?” JC asked.  “It’s…red,” he said, at a loss.

        “What about Justin’s blood?”

        “In some places, I can see his veins, or I can feel his blood pumping, and it amazes me, the mystery of his body.”

        “Have you ever touched it?”

        “His blood?” JC asked.  Nick nodded.  “He cut his arm on one of the hinges under the stage, and I changed the bandage for him, and-”

        “Forget it, you’re…  Okay, what about, Justin’s licked your blood, right?”

        “Yes,” JC said.

        “When he punched you in the nose, right?  And when he scratches your back open, sometimes he deliberately opens the scratches so he can lick your blood.”

        JC nodded.  “Yes.”

        “And you’re okay with that?”

        “Justin is fascinated by me.  Drawn to me.  He wants to be me.  My blood is just as much my life force as my semen.”

        “Be you,” Nick said.  “So why is Justin into your blood if you’re not into his?”

        “The mystery and miracle of Justin’s life, his body and its workings, are amazing and beautiful to me.  I am fascinated by the beat of his heart, the blood pulsing beneath his skin.  But I would never risk damage to Justin.  In some ways, I can touch the miracle and beauty of him.  In other ways, I can’t.”

        “So you’d rather leave his blood inside his body.”

        “Yes.”

        “Do you want to be Justin?”

        JC frowned, then shook his head.  “No.  I want to celebrate him and glory in him and worship him, but from the outside.”

        “Okay.”  Nick touched JC’s wedding ring.

        “What happened?” JC asked.

        “Nothing,” Nick said.  “Justin licking your blood doesn’t freak you out?”

        “No,” JC said.  “I would let Justin experience any part of me.  If it makes him feel closer to me, then I’ll let him have anything.”

        “He’s a freak,” Nick said.  “I’m going to get Chris.”

        Kevin cupped AJ’s ass with one hand, lifting AJ against himself, feeling the hard knot of AJ’s erection.  AJ moaned, hooking one leg over Kevin’s hip, pressing closer.  “Give me tonight,” Kevin said.

        “Whatever you want,” AJ said, clutching at Kevin’s broad shoulders, pushing back fabric, finding a muscular expanse of pale skin.  “Just fuck me.”

        “Say my name,” Kevin said.  His hands came to the backs of AJ’s thighs, lifting AJ from the floor.  “Say my name.”

        “Kevin,” AJ said, dragging his dark blue fingernails down Kevin’s chest.

        “Say it,” Kevin said, dumping AJ backwards onto the bed.

        AJ landed hard, instantly reaching out for Kevin, grabbing and pulling until Kevin was over him.  “Kevin,” he said, and Kevin kissed him hard, possessing his mouth past all need for air.

        “Reborn,” Brian said.  “Who are you?”

        “Justin,” Justin said.  “Justin Timberlake,” he added.

        “What does that mean to you?” Brian asked.  “Who do you want Justin Timberlake to be?”

        “A good friend,” Justin said.  “Loyal.  Always there.  Giving things, doing things.  Especially to Joey and Chris and Lance and JC, they’re my closest friends, I want them to know that they come first.”

        Brian took notes.

        “I want to take voice lessons again, regularly.  We’ve been getting relaxed about that, too relaxed.  I still can’t get my voice to do all of the things I want it to do.  I need a lot more control over it.”

        Brian added that to the list.

        “I have to go home more.  My mom and I used to do everything together, and now I never see her.  I want to spend more time with her.”

        “She’ll love it,” Joey said.

        “I want to get back into basketball,” Justin said.  “I haven’t been playing.”

        “You do have good game,” Brian said.

        “I have great game,” Justin said.

        Brian smiled.

        “I’m going to get out more,” Justin said.  “Do things.  Go to games.  Go to movies.  Go to clubs and premieres.  Get out on my bike.  Play golf.  Get back into guitar lessons.”

        “Damn, I want to make one of these lists,” Joey said.

        “I should get back into guitar lessons, myself,” Brian said.  “And basketball.  And golf.”

        Joey snagged another piece of paper and jotted down notes for Brian’s list.

        “I want a house, a real house,” Justin said.  “And more cars.  More shoes.  I want to go shopping more often.  I love shopping.”

        “What are you doing?” Brian asked, seeing Joey add ‘house’ to the second list.

        “You need a new house, too,” Joey said.  “I have seen where you live.  The three of you make too much money to be living there.”

        “We don’t even use all of the rooms we have,” Brian said.  “And what’s the point of living in some expensive mansion if we’re never home?”

        “You’re worth it, and you can afford it,” Joey said.  “That’s the point.  I have a better place, and I live there by myself.  I pay for it myself.  If the three of you put your money together, you could work out something pretty good.”

        “We’re talking about Justin,” Brian said.  “Justin, what else?”

        “I want to work out more,” Justin said.  “Lift weights.”

        “Work on those chicken legs,” Joey advised.

        “What about JC, your marriage?” Brian asked.  “What kind of partner do you want to be?”

        “I don’t know if I want to be married,” Justin said.  “I’m not sure that’s right for me anymore.”

        “Back-and-forth bullshit,” Joey said, and put his head on the table.

        Brian patted Joey’s back.  “Why?” he asked Justin.

        “I’m new,” Justin said.  “I’m me again, I’m Justin.  Do I want to be married?  Do I want to be tied to JC for the rest of my life?  JC’s my best friend, we were mice together, but I don’t know.  There’s a whole world out there.”

        “You love JC,” Brian said.  “You’ve already made that choice.”

        “He got hold of me so early and so fast,” Justin said.  “He pulled me into his world, and once I was even halfway there, he wouldn’t let go.  He tied me down and trapped me.”

        “You proposed to him,” Joey said.

        Brian scooted his chair over and leaned against Joey, getting comfortable.  “You did propose,” he reminded Justin.

        “Mind games, manipulation,” Justin said dismissively.  “That’s not important.  He tied me down, tied me to himself and his life, and that’s not what I want.  I want out.  I want my freedom back.”

        “You don’t love him anymore?” Brian asked.

        “Not like that,” Justin said.  “We’ll always be friends, but the rest of it, that’s not me.”

        “The rest of it?” Joey asked.

        “Our marriage isn’t legally binding, anyway,” Justin said.  “We signed some papers, but a lawyer could work through them.”

        “Buy more shoes, get back out on the golf course, and get a divorce,” Joey muttered.

        “I’ll be me again,” Justin said.  “Really me.”

        “Justin, I know that you want to be yourself again,” Brian said.  “I can see that, and I respect it.  But you don’t have to sacrifice JC for that.”

        “I can live my own life,” Justin said.  “I can get a house, I can date, I can be in control of myself again.  Really in control of my own life.  I’ve never really had that, not as an adult.”

        “You can keep JC as your partner,” Brian said.

        “No, I can’t,” Justin said, shaking his head, frowning at Brian.  “I don’t want to.  I want to be free.  I want to be me.  I’ve never had any room to myself, any breathing room, any elbow room.  I’ve been smothered for years, until what was left of me died, suffocated to death.  Now I can finally have the space to be myself and breathe on my own again.”

        “Maybe there was a reason JC thought he could be that close to you,” Joey said.

        “This isn’t new, I’ve been trying to tell him about this, we were back in the fucking studio and I told him I wanted a divorce.  This tour didn’t change anything.  It’s past time for me to get out on my own and live my own life.  If he wants someone to play out his sick games with, he can start looking somewhere else.”

        “I remember that,” Joey said.  “We were recording, and you said you wanted a divorce.  The next day, JC was moving out and getting a new place to live.  He gave you the space you demanded.  You were the one who went to him and made him come back.”

        “Bullshit,” Justin said, agitated.  “He was the one, he…”  Justin shook his head.  “I was right, I started off doing the right thing, I should have followed through.  I know better now.”

        “Why didn’t you follow through?” Brian asked.  “Why did you ask JC to come back?”

        “He had me so brainwashed I thought I needed him,” Justin said.

        “You don’t need him?” Brian asked.

        “Nobody needs another person,” Justin said.  “You can want to be with someone, miss him, long for him, whatever, but you don’t actually need.”

        “I’ve needed,” Brian said.  “I’ve needed Drew and I’ve needed Nick.”

        Joey liked the warm weight of Brian’s body against his side.

        “You haven’t,” Justin said.  “You just think so, but it’s not true.  You’ve probably missed them and wanted to be with them.”

        “Hmm,” Brian said.  “Maybe someone who doesn’t even love his own husband can’t understand the depth of what I feel.”

        Joey wanted to smile.  One point for Brian.

        “You’re just like JC,” Justin accused.  “Elevating everything through all of this dramatic language.  You feel close to someone you want to have sex with, you like being with someone, you feel good around him, fine, call it love.  But you can’t take ordinary feelings that everybody on the planet goes through, and make it the grandest love that ever was.  That’s bullshit.”

        “I don’t believe that what Drew and Nick and I share is the grandest love that ever was,” Brian said.  “I’ve never said that.  But I also don’t think that you have the right to judge something you don’t understand, and if you’ve never felt love for your own husband, you can’t understand what I feel.”

        “Can we stop now?” Justin asked.  “I’ve made my decisions.”

        “To leave JC for good,” Joey said.

        “Yes,” Justin said.  “Are we done here?”  Without waiting for an answer, he stood and went out to the living room.

        Joey heard the TV start.  “I’m starting to miss the old Justin,” he said.

        Brian sighed, then straightened and stood.  “I have another card to lay on the table,” he said, and left the kitchen.

        Joey got up to see.

        Brian went to his bag, then walked over to where Justin was slouched on the sofa.  “JC gave me something to give to you,” Brian said.  “I don’t know if you’ll want to read it now, but he really wanted you to have it.”  He set a thick envelope on the table at Justin’s elbow.  Then he went back into the kitchen, pulling Joey along with him.

        “What is it?” Joey asked.

        “A letter,” Brian said.  “We were thinking that Justin could write back, but that may not be such a good idea right now.”

        “Maybe not,” Joey agreed.  He peeked around the corner and watched.

        Justin was pretending to be watching the television, his eyes dark, his jaw set.  But every few seconds, his eyes darted over to the envelope.

        Joey grinned.

        AJ came, jetting white cum onto himself and the sheets.  A harsh, wild groan escaped him, and he rocked backwards into Kevin’s next thrust, sending Kevin viciously deep.

        Kevin moaned in his ear, low and slow.

        AJ braced himself for Kevin’s last pounding thrusts before orgasm.

        Instead, Kevin pulled out, rolling AJ over.  On his back, AJ opened his eyes in time to see his leg being lifted over Kevin’s shoulder.  He didn’t have time to think about that before Kevin’s long, thick erection filled him again, stealing breath and speech.

        Kevin groaned, sliding out with excruciating slowness and then pushing back in, making AJ feel every last inch of him.  His eyes were closed, his eyebrows drawn together as he concentrated on slowly, slowly fucking AJ crazy.

        AJ closed his hand on the back of Kevin’s neck, fingers curling in the sweat-slick black hair.  “You came back.”  Kevin had walked out on him, leaving him furious and desperate and alone, wondering if there would ever be any real chance of salvaging what he’d destroyed.

        Kevin fucked AJ a touch faster, burning into him with more force.

        “Why?” AJ asked, other hand on his chest, feeling the furious race of Kevin’s heart.

        Kevin thrust a little harder, making AJ give a low “ah” of surprise.  “To use you.”  Thrust.  “To pretend.”  Thrust.  “To fuck you one,” thrust, “last,” thrust, “time,” thrust.  Kevin groaned, and AJ wanted it to last forever, but Kevin was coming, and that meant it was over.

        “Here’s what I have so far,” Nick said to Chris.  “JC’s afraid to change, because he made Justin promises, and if he gives Justin space, he’ll be breaking those promises.  Everything that’s ever gone wrong between them, everything, is JC’s fault.”

        “Everything?” Chris asked.

        “Yeah,” Nick said.

        JC shifted positions, unhappy about this conversation but willing to try to stick with it.

        “I don’t have any information, just a bunch of questions,” Chris said.  “Like, what is it about JC that created this situation?  It’s not just that Justin needs so badly, there’s something in JC, and I don’t get it.  Why does JC think Justin will up and leave him one day?  Is JC ever going to take off Justin’s shirt?  Why is it JC’s job to make Justin happy?  And what in hell were the two things that Justin wanted that JC didn’t give him?”

        “What?” Nick asked.

        “What?” Chris asked.

        “Justin wanted things JC didn’t give him?”

        “Two things.  Sex things.  JC says they’re dangerous.”

        “Oh,” Nick said.

        JC frowned and fidgeted, not wanting to discuss it.

        “He says he did them once or twice, but Justin kept asking, and he had to say no.”

        “Something they did, that he stopped?” Nick asked.  “So not fisting.”

        “What?” Chris asked.

        “JC doesn’t believe in fisting,” Nick said.  “His loss.”  He narrowed his eyes, thinking, trying to remember.

        JC glanced at Chris, amused by the wide-eyed stare.

        “I know what the one is, let me get the other one,” Nick said, still thinking.  He caught Chris staring at him.  “Now what?”

        “You believe in fisting?” Chris asked.

        “Sure,” Nick said.  “I still haven’t gotten to do it to anybody, but I know I can talk Drew into it eventually.”

        “You…”

        “What?” Nick asked.  He glanced at JC for help.  “What does he want?”

        “It’s not really…  It’s not really the whole fist, is it?” Chris asked.

         “Whole fist, whole hand, to the wrist,” Nick said.

        “You’ve had this happen to you?” Chris asked.

        “Yeah,” Nick said.  “The whole thing for real, only once,” he admitted.  “But I know it’ll happen again.”

        “You liked it?” Chris asked.

        “Yeah,” Nick said.  “I guess it was kind of crazy intense, I mean, a whole hand is pretty big.  But Drew was distracting me the whole time, so I wouldn’t get too freaked out over what was really happening.”

        Chris just stared.

        “What?” Nick demanded.

        “How big are Brian’s hands?” Chris asked.

        “I don’t know, regular size,” Nick said.  “You could probably do it, you have little hands.”

        Chris reached past JC and grabbed Nick’s hand, pulling it closer, looking at it.  Nick tugged his hand free, giving Chris a look, but not before Chris saw that Nick had long fingers.  Long fingers.  Brian and Drew had to love that.  Chris tried to distract himself from thinking about Nick’s hands on Brian’s naked flesh.  “Why don’t you believe in fisting?” he asked JC.  It seemed like another way for JC to be closer to Justin, which JC should love.

        “I would never risk harming him,” JC said.

        “It doesn’t hurt,” Nick said.  “It hurts,” he immediately contradicted himself.  “But it’s worth it.  Besides, you do fierce intense stuff to Justin all of the time.”

        “You’ve actually…”  Chris was marvelling.

        “It’s not that big a deal,” Nick said.  “Other people do it.  I know people who do it, I don’t know, I wouldn’t say all of the time, but more than once.”

        “To the wrist?” Chris asked.

        “Yeah,” Nick said.  “Do you want me to tell you what it’s really like?”

        “No,” Chris said.  “No, no.”

        “Are you sure?” Nick asked.  “I don’t mind.”

        “No, no, no,” Chris said.  “I’m not mature enough for that conversation.”

        “Okay.”  Nick poked JC.  Chris had noticed that Nick tended to have trouble keeping his hands to himself.  “JC,” Nick said, nudging JC’s arm.  “Chris is your boy, right?  We can talk about anything in front of him?”

        “Yeah,” JC said.

        “If you want to work on all of this stuff, I want to help you, and so does Chris, but that means telling him things.”

        JC clasped his hands together, looking down.  “I know.”

        Nick put his hand over JC’s.  “It’s the masturbation thing, and the rock star thing, isn’t it?”

        JC closed his eyes, pressing his lips together.

        “What?” Chris asked.

        “The things he and Justin did that he had to say no to later,” Nick said.  “It’s the masturbation thing and the rock star thing.”

        “You know?” Chris asked.  “You know what they are?”

        “JC and I tell each other everything,” Nick said.  “Don’t get jealous.  He can’t talk to you about Justin, because you’re Justin’s best friend, and I’m not.  He can’t talk to you about sex, because you’re not mature enough, and I am.”

        “Masturbation?” Chris asked.

        “Narcissism,” JC said without opening his eyes.

        “Making love to yourself,” Nick said.  “Here’s the scene.  Justin asked JC to masturbate for him, so JC did, only he got a little caught up in it, and made it a little too good.  Justin loved it, asked him to do it again, he didn’t want to, Justin pushed, he did it, it was even wilder than the first time.  Now he won’t do it anymore, he never touches himself, and he also won’t teach Justin how to do it.”

        “Masturbation,” Chris said.

        “It’s more than that,” Nick said.  “JC, help me out here.”

        “I can’t,” JC said.  He didn’t want to talk about it.  He couldn’t talk about it.

        “Masturbation is jerking off.  It’s basically rub-and-tug until you get off,” Nick said.  “What JC did is…  Made love to himself.  He got centered in his own body, and touched himself like he’d touch a lover.  Right?” he asked JC.

        “I don’t know,” JC said, eyes open now, tucking his feet up with him like Chris was doing.

        “He called out his own name,” Nick said.

        JC turned red, looking down.

        “He made love to himself, he called out his name, it was like sex, only without Justin,” Nick said.  “You have sex with Howie, and he’s good, right?” he asked Chris.

        “Yeah,” Chris said.

        “Imagine Howie doing to himself what he does to you.  Making himself feel the way he makes you feel.”

        Chris’s heart twittered and his dick twitched.

        “I don’t think it’s just a JC thing,” Nick said.  “I bet everybody could do it, if we put ourselves there, and let everything go.  It’s mostly in your head.”

        “Why can’t you do it again, for Justin?” Chris asked JC.

        “He’s embarrassed,” Nick said.  “He has this weird shame thing happening because he thinks when he does it he loses control.  And he doesn’t want to get into it too far, because he doesn’t want to show Justin how to do it.”

        “Why not?” Chris asked.

        “Hell if I know,” Nick said.

        “JC?” Chris asked.

        JC ran his hands through his hair, tucking his head down.

        “Coward,” Nick said.  “You don’t want Justin to feel good?” he teased.

        “Hey,” Chris said.

        “What?” Nick asked.

        “He doesn’t want Justin to feel good,” Chris said.

        “What?” Nick repeated.

        “If Justin knows how to make himself feel good, he won’t need JC anymore,” Chris said.

        “What?” Nick asked.  “Oh.  Damn.”  He looked at JC.  “Princess?”

        JC shook his head, not looking at them.

        “Brian said the weirdest thing,” Chris said.  “He said that…  He was talking about you, wasn’t he?” he asked Nick, for clarification.

        “I don’t know, probably.  When?” Nick asked.

        “He was saying something about wanting to make you feel how special you are and how beautiful you are.  He said that’s why he makes love to you, so you can feel it.  Something about the pleasure of orgasm is you experiencing your own beauty.  Only you don’t know that’s what it is, so you give him credit for making you feel it.”

        “Yes,” JC said.

        “Yes what?” Nick asked.

        “I make love to Justin to put his body through that pleasure, but it’s his own pleasure, generated by him and in him.  The beauty and majesty of his own body is what’s climaxing.  I’m only the one who’s showing it to him.”

        “But if he can do that for himself?” Nick asked.

        “He won’t need me anymore,” JC said.  “Right now, he doesn’t even realize that it’s in him, he thinks that it’s all me.”

        “And you like it that way,” Nick said.

        “It makes him think he needs me,” JC said.

        Chris found a flaw.  “But you can do that to yourself, and you still have sex with Justin.”

        “Yeah,” Nick agreed.

        “I find my own pleasure in Justin’s pleasure,” JC said.  “I would make love to Justin for hours each day and never reach orgasm, and be just as happy.”

        “If you taught Justin how to create his own pleasure, it would…enrich him,” Chris said.  “It would show him that he’s not dependent on you.  It would put the choice back in his hands.  You’d both know that he’s coming to you because he genuinely wants you.”

        “Exactly,” Nick said.

        “Think about it and get back to us,” Chris said.

        “It would be a great way to know that Justin’s with you for you,” Nick said.

        “What’s the second thing?” Chris asked.

        “The rock star thing,” Nick said.

        “What?” Chris asked.

        Nick searched for an explanation.  “You’re with Howie.  You’re a musician, he’s a musician, you’re not with him for that, you’re with him because he’s who he is.”

        “Yes,” Chris agreed.

        “But when he’s onstage, doing his thing, being a pop star, you get a kick out of it, right?  You get a little thrill out of it.”

        “Yes,” Chris said, willing to admit it.

        “Multiply that by a thousand,” Nick said.  “Justin has a thing for JC.  A thing where he’s just a little bi boy groupie and JC’s the big pop star.  In Justin’s eyes, JC’s so big he’s a rock star.  There’s a desperate groupie inside Justin every time JC’s up there onstage.”

        “What?” Chris asked.

        “They did it, it was like a role-playing thing.  Then they did it again, a second time.  But JC didn’t like it.  He couldn’t stand treating Justin like that.  He’s worked so hard to elevate Justin, but with him as the rock star and Justin as the groupie, he wasn’t elevating Justin anymore.  He was putting Justin in a lower, what’s the word…degrading position.  He couldn’t take it.”

        “This is insane,” Chris said.  “Justin’s as big as JC is.”

        “Bigger,” JC said, perfectly willing to let them talk around him, but wanting that point to be clear.

        “It’s your fault he’s bigger,” Nick said.  “You could have it if you wanted it.”

        JC shrugged.

        “So JC didn’t want to do it anymore, but Justin did.  He wanted the rock star JC.  It started to mess with both of their heads,” Nick said.  “JC said no, it was over, he couldn’t be that person.”

        “That person?” Chris asked.

        “It’s in him,” Nick said.  “He doesn’t want to admit that he could be that person.  He can’t stand being that person to Justin.”

        “Why does it matter that much to Justin?” Chris asked.

        “Maybe he has some kind of weird need to be treated like a nobody for once,” Nick said.  “He’s always the one, the center of everything.  Everywhere he goes.  Including with JC.”

        “Weird,” Chris said, pondering.

        “He didn’t want me anymore,” JC said.  “He only wanted him.  I couldn’t be him.”

        “Him,” Chris repeated.

        “You were jealous of yourself?” Nick asked.

        “How could Justin want anyone else?” JC asked.  “After all I’ve done for him, after everything, how could he want someone else?  Someone who treats him like that?!”

        “Justin wants him because he’s you,” Nick said.  “It just means that Justin wants you.”

        “Everything I did for him meant nothing, everything I’ve been, it’s all meaningless,” JC said.  “None of it matters.”

        “Justin loves you the way you are,” Nick said.  “He fell in love with you, not some other version of you.”

        “Justin said that he loved him,” JC said.  “He said I was the substitute because he couldn’t get the real thing, but now that he’d had the real thing, he didn’t want me anymore.”

        “He didn’t mean it,” Chris said, knowing how badly hearing that must have hurt.

        “Just was so angry at me for keeping him from him,” JC said.

        “You kept Justin from what he wanted,” Nick said.  “You had power over him, and you used it.”

        “Not like that,” Chris said.

        “Why not?” Nick asked.  “JC was jealous, so he kept Justin away from what Justin really wanted, so Justin could only have him.”

        “It’s all JC, regardless,” Chris said.

        “JC’s dark side,” Nick said.  “The side of JC that wants Justin on his knees, worthless and begging.  You heard him, he’s done everything for Justin, and Justin’s an ungrateful bitch.  He wants to make Justin pay.  But he’s afraid of that impulse, so he’s hiding it.”

        “Wow,” Chris said.  “If that’s true, it’s kind of sick.”

        “Maybe that’s it,” Nick said.  “Rock star JC is the side of JC that knows he’s better than Justin.  Justin owes him.  He’s going to make Justin beg him for it.  He’s in control.”

        “But he can’t admit to that side of himself,” Chris said.  “So he’s refusing to indulge it.”

        “It’s there whether you act on it or not,” Nick said.

        JC slid off of the sofa onto the floor, knees to his chest, head down.

        “JC?” Chris asked.

        “I had him on his knees in front of me,” JC said, eyes closed, face lowered.  “He was young and pretty.  A head-licker.  He thought I was God.”

        “And?” Nick asked, slipping down beside him, sounding a lot calmer than Chris felt.

        “It would have been so easy to hurt him.  Abuse him.  He would have let me, and come back for more.  He worshipped me.  I could have owned him.”

        “Yeah?” Nick asked.

        “He was so pretty and so open, with his heart in his eyes, willing to give me anything I wanted.”

        “How’d you feel about that?” Nick asked.

        JC raised his head, turning to Nick, eyes flashing with something Nick regretted recognizing.  “I saw the way things might have been.”

        Unpleasant things were crawling up Nick’s spine.  “And?” Nick made himself ask.

        JC licked his lips.  “I liked it.”

        Chris, glad he couldn’t see JC’s face, shuddered.

        AJ rolled over with a negligent smile.

        Kevin kissed AJ’s chest, sucking at a nipple, his hands wandering and exploring.  The shifting rivules of muscle provided a pathway for Kevin’s tongue, as he licked down towards AJ’s cock.

        “Fuck me again,” AJ said, his fingers in Kevin’s hair.

        Kevin licked up the shaft of AJ’s erection.

        AJ tensed, breathing carefully.

        “Say please,” Kevin said, pushing his finger inside AJ’s body.  He brushed over AJ’s prostate, and AJ made a soft animal sound.  Meditative suckling at the head of AJ’s cock had AJ tensing and twisting, faintly breathing out “please” between aching-needing moans.

        AJ didn’t know what was wrong.  He shuddered, arching slowly as Kevin fucked him with two fingers.  With Lance, he’d had more control than this, been in control, decided what happened.  Here in this bed, he only pretended to have any say in what Kevin did to his body.  It was all Kevin, Kevin’s decisions, Kevin’s desires, and he was left moaning and panting, letting Kevin do to him whatever Kevin chose.

        It was temporary.  It had to be.  He hadn’t gotten laid in too long, and he was letting his body coast.  Next time, he’d be in charge.

        Oh…god…he was deep in Kevin’s mouth, down Kevin’s throat, and it was the incredible wet hot haven he’d been missing.  He fucked gently, head back, eyes closed, fingers crawling through Kevin’s hair.  “Tell me you love me,” he said, groaning, hips rocking slowly.

        Kevin hummed around his dick.

        The vibration shimmied through his dick and vibrated in his balls.  AJ fucked Kevin’s mouth with shorter strokes, concentrating on the feel of Kevin’s throat closing around him.  “God, yeah, oh, yeah…”  Just a little bit more, just a little, another second, he was so close, it was building, it was coming, it was almost, and he came, releasing spurt after spurt down Kevin’s throat.

        Kevin swallowed thickly.  His tongue took a final tour around AJ’s softening dick, and then his fingers were inside again, stroking, stretching.

        AJ let Kevin manhandle him, sinking back into the mattress, loose-limbed and feeling good.  He hadn’t gotten laid in way too long, but this sure as hell was making up for it.  When Kevin caressed his prostate, he accepted the electric pulse with a slow, happy shiver.

        A few quick thrusts and Kevin was in.  AJ’s body tightened up around him, then relaxed, and Kevin started to move, settling into a natural rhythm, thrusting, thrusting, thrusting…

        AJ had come twice already, and Kevin was pushing his body to its limits.  But it was Kevin, and every stroke hit him just right, and his hands were in love with the miles of muscular masculine flesh, and his mouth was hungry for another kiss, and each thrust had pleasure washing through him in increasingly strong waves.  Kevin started making that deep groaning sound, the one that got AJ all the way down to his toes, the one that meant Kevin was close, close, close.

        AJ’s dick was hard again, and he couldn’t wait to wrap himself around Kevin, arms and legs, and feed his fill of kisses.  He wanted to put his hands everywhere, and he wanted to feel Kevin’s hands all over him, those strong broad hands.  He wanted to suck Kevin’s dick and blow Kevin’s mind.

        Just as AJ could feel the tension mounting, when he felt the muscles in Kevin’s shoulders bunch up and Kevin’s thrusts hit a new rhythm, Kevin pulled out.  The second AJ registered the missed beat and his asshole contracted greedily around nothing, hot bursts of cum splattered his chest.  AJ’s first instinct was to arch for it, and he did, offering himself up, his ass pushing into the mattress.  The moment ended and AJ sank back, eyes closed, dick now fully erect and ready, waiting for Kevin to provide his pleasure.

        Heartbeat.

        Heartbeat.

        AJ opened his eyes.

        Kevin was standing by the bed, half turned away, zipping up.

        AJ sat up, staring, jaw on the floor.

        Kevin picked up his shirt, found his shoes.

        “Kevin,” AJ said.  “What the hell are you - - Kevin!”

        Wordless, half-dressed, Kevin walked out on him, closing the door with a solid click.

        “Kevin!” AJ shouted.

        Kevin was gone.  This time, he wasn’t coming back.

        “What’s he doing?” Brian asked.

        “I don’t know,” Joey said, going after him.

        Justin was going from room to room, rummaging through drawers.

        “What do you want?” Joey asked.

        “Lighter,” Justin said.  “Matches.”

        “No fires,” Joey said.

        “What do you want to burn?” Brian asked.

        “Everything,” Justin said.

        “Terry’s not going to appreciate us burning down her house,” Joey said.

        Justin kept searching.

        “Why do you want to burn everything?” Brian asked.

        Justin made a pleased grunt, closed his hand around a lighter, and walked out of the room, ignoring them.

        “Justin,” Brian said.

        “Give it to me,” Joey said, following.

        “Let’s see what he does,” Brian said.

        “You trust him more than I do,” Joey said.

        Justin stood before the sink.  He set the letter on the countertop, then took JC’s underwear from his pocket.  He spent a minute deciding between the letter and the underwear, choosing the letter first.  Letter in hand, he tried the lighter.  It took him a few tries, but he got a flame.  He held the flame just beneath the edge of the envelope.

        He hesitated.

        The flame went out.

        He flicked the lighter again, and brought the flame close to the envelope.

        Joey and Brian watched with curiosity.

        The flame went out.

        Justin made an angry noise in his throat and tried the lighter again.  His thumb slipped.  He tried again, again, again, but couldn’t get a flame.  Frustrated, he dropped the letter, both hands on the lighter, trying and failing to light it.

        “He’s crying,” Brian whispered in a voice full of empathy.

        “He can’t do it,” Joey said. “It’s not the lighter, it’s him.”

        Justin threw the lighter across the room and grabbed the envelope, taking it in both hands, ready to tear it in two.  He paused, his shoulders shook, and he hurled the envelope across the room, doubling over the sink, sobbing, frustrated and afraid.

        Joey went to get the lighter, to put it somewhere safe.

        Brian crossed the kitchen to stand by Justin, his hand on Justin’s back.  “It’s okay, Justin.  That letter’s JC’s love, full of his love for you.  You don’t want to destroy that.”

        “I couldn’t do it, why can’t I do it?” Justin asked.  “I tried, I wanted to!”

        “You wanted to, why?” Brian asked.

        “I don’t want his love!” Justin shouted, straightening, pushing Brian away.  “I don’t want that anymore!”

        “You don’t want to be loved?” Brian asked.

        “Not by him!  He doesn’t love me right!”

        “He doesn’t love you the way you want to be loved?” Brian asked.

        “No!” Justin shouted.

        “How do you want to be loved?” Brian asked.

        Justin faltered.

        “Justin?” Joey asked.

        “I don’t know,” Justin whispered.  “I don’t know!” he yelled, shoving Brian for good measure.  “I don’t know, but he’s had every chance to do it right, every chance, and he’s failed!  He’s failed me!  JC failed me!”

        “You don’t know what the hell you want!” Joey said.  “You don’t know what you want, and you’re blaming JC for not giving you what you want, but you don’t know what it is you want!  JC is a saint for putting up with you, for rushing to meet your every demand, since every day it’s something new.”

        “If he could give me what I want, he’d have done it by now,” Justin said.  “He’s had his turn.  I’m leaving him.”

        “What about what JC wants?!” Joey demanded.  “Have you given him what he wants?”

        “It’s not about that!” Justin said.

        “It’s all about you!” Joey shouted.

        “Yes!” Justin said, slamming his hand down on the counter.  “Yes!  It’s all about me!  I’m Justin, god damn it!  He had his chance with me!  I’m not wasting any more time with him!  I have my own life to live, and all he’s ever done is hold me back.”

        “I can’t even talk to him anymore,” Joey said, turning to Brian.  “What are we going to do with him?”

        “I wish I’d stayed with JC,” Brian said, leaning against the counter and rubbing his eyes as Justin decided to add to the drama and storm out of the room.

        “It’s probably against some kind of cosmic law to say this, but maybe JC would be better off without him,” Joey said.

        “No,” Brian said.  “They need each other.”

        “Then what the hell is all of this?” Joey asked.

        “This is Justin panicking,” Brian said.

        “What happens next?” Joey asked.

        “Next?” Brian asked.  He looked at the doorway where Justin had gone.  “We hope I’m right.”