"Where You Belong"

Where You Belong, eighth in the "Living" series

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Thus far we've had JC/Justin, Nick/Drew/Brian, Nick/Jeff, Nick/Drew/Brian/Nick/Jeff, AJ/Lance, AJ/Howie, AJ/Kevin, Chris/Howie, and partridge/pear tree.

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashwriters.

Wherein Drew won't go behind Brian's back, AJ can screw anybody he wants, and could JC be mellowing?

Notice: First, read "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," "Rest in Peace," "Destiny," and "Together." I know it sounds like a lot, but it'll only take you an hour or two.

Nick spooned up behind Jeff, fitting himself to Jeff’s back. His hand on Jeff’s shoulder slid down Jeff’s muscular arm, finding Jeff’s hand, lacing their fingers.

Asleep, Jeff leaned back into Nick, comfortable in his embrace.

“No matter what,” Nick whispered, “I loved you first, and I love you best.” He held Jeff closer. “Always.”

Howie rolled over, vaguely aware that he wasn’t where he was supposed to be, also vaguely aware that he was warmly pleased about that. He opened his eyes, orienting himself. Lilac house. Chris upstairs. Good sex. Phone ringing. He reached for it, clearing his throat. “Hello?” he asked, running his hand through his hair.

“It’s hideously early in the morning.”

AJ. Howie dropped onto his back, getting comfortable again. “Then why are you calling?”

“Guess where I am?”

“If you had any sense, you’d be at home.”

“You know better than to expect for me to have any sense, D.”

“I keep trying,” Howie said.

“If I keep moving, I’ll be close to home tonight. Can you meet me at Toulangerie’s?”

“That’s three hours away,” Howie said.

“Meet me.”

“AJ, I can’t.”

“He still doesn’t trust you?”

“If he’s starting to, me running off to meet you somewhere might put a few questions in his head.”

“Are you and I ever going to be allowed to be friends again?”

“AJ, we are friends. Chris has never even tried to ask me to distance myself from you. But it’s not fair to him if I do this.”

“I want to see you. I’m coming home, I’ll come home tomorrow, I just want to see you first. I can’t see Brian instead, he’s busy with that whole other mess.”

“I can’t meet you in a hotel three hours out of town. I’m sorry, AJ. I want to see you, too.”

“Would it help if I talked to him?”

“He doesn’t exactly trust you, AJ.” Howie tucked his arm under his head. “Come home. You can come here to Brian’s, or we can meet at my house or your house.”

“If I were ready to come home, I would,” AJ said.

“Fine. All right. What time?”

“I should get there around seven. I’d meet you in the lobby, but that’s never safe. Whoever gets there first gets a room.”

“Okay. I’ll do it. But only because, against all my better judgment, I love you.”

“I love you, too, D. Tell your sweetie this is the last time I’ll steal you away.”

“Yeah, right,” Howie sighed, hanging up. He stretched and went back to sleep.

“Uh, uh, ah, ah…”

“Yes, god, yes…”

“Oh, Nick, oh…”

“Yes, yes, Brian…”

“Oh, unh, unh…”

Harsh breathing, heavy panting, pleasure-saturated groaning…

They’d sounded so good…

Drew rolled over, pulling at his dick.

Chris snuggled in. Warm happy Howie dreams. Maybe too warm and too happy and too Howie-filled. Waking up with a hard-on in the same bed as another guy was okay when the guy was Howie, but when the guy was a non-Howie, maybe not such a good idea. Not that JC would care, being JC, but Chris wasn’t exactly comfortable with the, uh…

Chris opened his eyes.

He was alone in the bed.

“Shit!” Chris scrambled up, looking around the room. “Shit!” He slammed into the hallway and hurled himself down the stairs. He hit the front door, running his hands over the locks. Definitely locked, JC couldn’t have relocked all of the bolts from the outside without a key. Then, fuck, he raced around to the kitchen, JC must have gone out through the back, what if, shit shit shit! Cars, JC must have taken somebody’s car, he wouldn’t get a cab, would he? Where would he go, he’d go home, he’d call Joey, he’d-

Beep! Beep! Beep!

Chris jumped back, scaring himself, colliding with the door and falling on his ass. Alarm. There was an alarm. Of course there was an alarm. But he hadn’t heard the alarm. JC hadn’t set off the alarm. How had…

Howie got to him first, being right down the hall. “Are you okay?”

“What happened?” Nick asked, running in. “Where’s JC?”

Chris let Howie help him up. “He’s gone, I woke up and he wasn’t there.”

“You let him go?!” Nick demanded.

“What set off the alarm?” Howie asked.

“I did,” Chris said.

“Then how did he get out?” Howie asked.

The alarm stopped. Brian walked in. “Is everyone all right? Where’s JC?”

“What the hell is going on?” Nick demanded. “Kirkpatrick lost JC,” he told Brian.

“I’m right here.”

The four of them, in various states of disheveled undress, turned as one. There, in the doorway, was JC, groomed and gorgeous, a pen in one hand, a glass of strawberry Kool-Aid in the other.

“What’s going on?” JC asked.

“Put the Kool-Aid down,” Chris said.

JC set it on the table.

Chris ran at him, shoving him into the doorframe, hitting him around the shoulders. “What the hell was that? Don’t you ever do that!”

“I couldn’t sleep,” JC said.

“Then wake me up, damn it!”

“You were tired. I wanted to talk to Justin. I wrote him a letter.”

“A letter,” Brian said. “That’s great, JC. Why didn’t we think of that?”

“Because I’m still a little confused from being woken up at five o’clock in the morning by the fucking alarm,” Nick said.

“It’s seven thirteen,” Chris said.

“Do you want us to take your letter to Justin?” Brian asked. “We can ask him to write to you, too. You can tell each other how you’re feeling, what you’re going through.”

“Dear Justin, I love you. Dear JC, I’m horny,” Nick said. “Or how about, Dear Justin, I love you. Dear JC, I love you more. Dear Justin, No, I love you more. Dear JC, No, I love you more. Dear-”

“Go back to bed,” Brian told him.

“Bye,” Nick said. As he left, he said, “Next time you want to wake up everybody in a major panic, don’t. Idiot.”

“I hate him,” Chris said.

“Sorry,” JC said to Chris.

“As long as we’re up, would you like some breakfast?” Brian asked.

Nick wanted to wake up one morning able to breathe. Just one morning; that was all he asked. He put his hands on Jeff’s hips, lifting Jeff off of his ribcage, rolling to his side. Whew. There. Much better.

Jeff grunted and moved in his arms, getting comfortable.

Nick kissed Jeff’s cheek. Kissed Jeff’s jaw. Kissed Jeff’s neck. His dick was rock-hard and very interested in the proceedings, but Nick didn’t want to push his luck too far.

Then again, Jeff’s dick was very thick and very hard and very much pressing into his thigh. Nick closed his eyes, licked his lips, and slid his fingers along the waistband of Jeff’s underwear.

Jeff shifted, putting his hand on Nick’s shoulder.

Nick tucked his fingers under the waistband, dragging it down and away, exposing Jeff’s erection. He turned his hand, releasing the fabric, and rubbed the flat of his palm over the hardened shaft.

Jeff turned his face to Nick’s neck.

“You’re awake,” Nick whispered.

“Do you want to make love to me?” Jeff whispered.

Nick’s fingers stroked gently. “Yes.”

Jeff planted a soft kiss on Nick’s neck.

Joey opened his eyes, confused.

Justin moaned.

Joey rolled over, remembering just in time that they were cuffed together. “Justin?”

Justin was asleep. His face was contorted in pain. He must have been having a nightmare. He moaned again, his body twisting.

Or was that pleasure?

“Justin?” Joey asked. “Justin!”

Justin moaned again, kicking at the sheets. Okay, that was an erection. Joey wasn’t sure what to do, but getting uncuffed was sounding pretty good.

A suffering groan, and Justin shuddered.

Silence.

Stillness.

“Justin?”

Justin sat up wildly, jerking Joey along thanks to their chained wrists. “JC?”

“No, no, just me,” Joey said. “Just me.”

Justin was sweating, and his eyes were wide and unfocused at first. Then he seemed to recognize Joey. “Oh.” He blinked a little. “Oh.”

“Yeah,” Joey said. “You okay?”

Justin frowned, and looked down at his lap, where there was probably a wet patch, only Joey wasn’t going to look and find out. Then he looked at Joey.

“Wasn’t me,” Joey said.

“Damn,” Justin said, and collapsed to his back.

“You okay?” Joey asked.

“JC says my body’s so used to finding sexual release, it’s providing its own outlet now that we’re not making love.”

“Oh.” Justin did get off at least five times a day, so that made sense. But, “What about, uh… Even if he’s not… You could take care of it yourself.”

“If your wife were a celebrated sculptor, would you show her the clay pot you made in elementary school?”

“Not unless she had a great sense of humor,” Joey said. “What, JC’s so great at sex you think… That’s not the same.”

“Have you ever watched your girlfriends masturbate?”

“Sure, sometimes.”

“What was it like?”

“Pretty hot.”

“They liked it?”

“Yeah.”

“What’d they do afterwards?”

“Let me fuck them.”

“I saw JC masturbate twice. The first time, he was so good he scared himself. He scared me. The second time, he came so hard he passed out. I’ve never made JC pass out. If he can do that to himself, I don’t know why the hell he keeps me around.”

“How can it be that good?” Joey asked. “It’s just masturbation.”

“No, it was sex,” Justin said. “He had sex with himself. He had sex in his own body. Me tugging on my dick, in comparison to that, is about as exciting as me scratching my nose.”

“Ask him to teach you how to do it.”

“He doesn’t want to talk about it. He’s ashamed of himself.” Justin raised his wrist, bringing Joey’s along with it. “Can you undo this, or do you want to help me clean off my dick?”

Nick thrust slowly, drawing out the experience, watching the transformation as pleasure overcame Jeff’s body.

Since they’d been the ones snatching everyone out of bed, Chris and JC sent Brian and Howie out of the kitchen and made breakfast themselves.

“About this letter,” Chris said.

“I have so much to say to him,” JC said. “So much…”

Chris looked over. JC had drifted off into space and was gazing at nothing, unmoving, cradling an egg in one hand.

Chris snapped his fingers in front of JC’s face to bring him back to the present. JC jumped, startled, and cracked the egg. “Oh, god,” JC said. “I wasn’t…” He shook his head and looked down at the mess in his hand.

“Sorry,” Chris said, and handed him a towel.

JC dropped the egg into the sink. “What were we talking about?”

“The letter,” Chris said. “I don’t know if, it’s not that I don’t trust you, I’m just not sure that everything you have to say to Justin is going to be appropriate. No offense. Maybe one of us should read it first. We don’t want to intrude on your privacy, but you tend to go off the deep end sometimes.”

“It’s for Justin,” JC said.

“I respect that,” Chris said. “But we’re aiming for mental health here.”

“I didn’t think that anyone would offer to give it to him,” JC said. “But when Brian suggested it… I would love for Justin to read it. It’s meant for him. All of the words are for him.”

“That’s great,” Chris said. “He should read it. He needs to know where you’re coming from. And if he writes one, you’ll know where he’s coming from.”

“Brian,” JC said. “I’ll let Brian read it.”

“Really?” Chris asked. “That was too easy.”

“Brian understands me,” JC said. “He’s lived through everything I’ve ever felt. He’ll recognize everything I’ve written.”

“It’s really great to find someone else who’s gone through what you’ve gone through and feels how you feel,” Chris said. “It’s important for everybody. I never thought we’d find anyone else out there like you. Who knew?”

“Brian’s kept it to himself,” JC said. “He’s only shared with a select group.”

“Unlike you, who will tell anyone within a fifty-mile radius exactly how you feel about Justin at any given time, whether we want to hear it or not,” Chris said.

JC smiled.

Chris shook his head. “JC’s the quiet one, JC’s the shy one, JC’s the one who freaks Justin in public. Crazy.”

Nick had gone back to bed and back to sleep, curled up around Brian’s pillow. He was still half-asleep when he felt a strange yet familiar sensation.

He opened his eyes. “If that’s not Brian, I’m going to call the police.”

“Go back to sleep,” Brian said, and lapped roughly behind knee Nick’s again, cupping Nick’s balls in one hand.

“Can you…” Nick pushed at the center of Brian’s chest with his heel, dislodging Brian, and rolled over. “Come up here.”

Brian crawled up Nick’s body, stroking, kissing, licking on the way. He sucked at Nick’s nipple, teasing the point with his tongue, as he gently probed inside Nick’s body, two fingers pushing deep.

“God, stop, okay,” Nick said, groaning, spreading his thighs. “Stop, stop,” he said, and sighed with disappointed relief as Brian’s fingers slipped out again. “What’s going on? What do you want?”

“To be inside you,” Brian said, and kissed him. “I want to be you.”

“You want to what?” Nick asked, pushing him back, surprised.

“I want to be inside you,” Brian said slowly, gazing into Nick’s eyes, stroking Nick’s shoulders with his hands. “I want to be in you.”

He had to check. “Did you say that you want to be me?” Nick asked.

“Yes,” Brian said. “I want us to be connected. I want us to be one. Sex isn’t enough. I want to live inside your skin.” He ran his hand down Nick’s chest, still looking into Nick’s eyes.

“And how are you going to do that?” Nick asked.

“Make love to you. Listen to you, watch you. Learn you. Know you. Marry you. Take you inside my body.”

“I don’t think you and JC should spent any time together ever again,” Nick said.

“I want to be one with you,” Brian said, wrapping his arm around Nick’s neck, pressing up against Nick’s naked body.

“I don’t think we can get more one than we already are,” Nick said. “We live together, we work together, we’re in love with Drew together, we screw every day, I’ve swallowed so much of your cum I think it’s in my bloodstream. The marriage thing is pretty much the last step we have.”

Brian came even closer, holding onto him tightly, chin over his shoulder.

“What?” Nick asked, rubbing Brian’s back. “What?”

“I’m losing control,” Brian whispered. “I want things from you.”

“You can have things,” Nick said. He wasn’t used to Brian getting clingy on him; it was different, and a little unnerving. Brian was trying to cling more, but if they got any closer, their ribcages were going to mesh. “What kinds of things?”

“Everything,” Brian said, smoothing his hands up Nick’s back. “I want everything you have and everything you are.”

“You know I’ll give you anything you want,” Nick said. “You can have anything you want from me.”

Brian’s hands were greedy on Nick’s hips. “I want all of you.”

“Brian, I know you’re scared. You feel like you’re losing your mind. You’re afraid of yourself, and you’re clinging to me, but maybe that’s not such a good idea.”

“I want to…own you and know you,” Brian said. “I want to be one with you. I want you to be a part of me.”

“I’m already a part of you,” Nick said. “We’re a part of each other.”

“We could be one, you and I,” Brian whispered. “One in spirit. One in body. One in blood. One in love. Our hearts could be one. I want to share in everything that you have, in everything that you are.”

“Okay,” Nick said. “This sounds like you.”

“Your flesh is my flesh. Your spirit is my spirit. Your dreams are my dreams. Your sex is my sex.”

Brian’s hands were stroking over Nick’s chest. Nick cupped Brian’s elbows, looking into Brian’s eyes. The intensity he saw there wasn’t exactly new, but the need was. That was Brian-wanting-Drew need, not Brian-wanting-him need. Wasn’t it?

“Join with me,” Brian said.

“Listen to me. Brian, angel, lunatic, are you listening to me?” Brian’s eyes cleared a little. “I need you to get it together. I need you to be stronger and saner than this. We have to help JC and Justin, and we have to be there for Drew, and if you start losing it like this, we’re no good to them.”

“We,” Brian said.

“Can you do that for me?” Nick asked. “I’ll do whatever you want, if you can promise me, really promise me, that you can pull yourself together and be strong and good like I need you to be.”

“Do two things for me,” Brian said.

“Whatever you want,” Nick said. “I promise.”

“I promise,” Brian said.

“Are you sure?” Nick asked.

“I promise,” Brian said. “I can…I can, if you give me this.”

“Okay,” Nick said. “Now, the scary question. What did I just agree to do?”

Chris turned to set the orange juice on the table

Howie walked into the kitchen. “Can I help?”

JC took the glass from Chris’s hand just in time. “Good morning,” he said.

“Hhh,” Chris said. Howie looked drop-dead gorgeous, showered and shaved, hair back in a ponytail but still all waves and curls, barefoot in a T-shirt and sweatpants that had to be Brian’s. How anyone who wasn’t JC could look so damned gorgeous without any effort at all, was beyond Chris. Then again, it was Howie, so he should have been used to it, but…how could anyone get used to Howie?

Drop-dead gorgeous, beautiful-perfect Howie came around the table and kissed him, putting a heat-generating hand on him. “You’re staring,” Howie said, twinkling in the eye area.

“Oh,” Chris said, and ran out of conversation. That throbbing, hard thing between his legs had to be his dick.

Howie kissed him, parting his lips with a sleek tongue, making a faint, appreciative noise. Howie was against his side, close to his dick but not close enough to feel it, which was both horrible and great. Horrible, because he wanted to rub it against Howie and come; great, because he was going to be mortified if Howie knew he was this hard over one kiss.

Like being this hard over one kiss was anything new.

Then, the kiss was over. “We might as well go ahead and have breakfast,” Howie said, stepping back, tying his hair up again. “I think Brian and Nick are busy.”

Right. Breakfast. This thing he was standing in must be a kitchen. Chris restarted his brain, and turned to-

JC. Who was off in outer space again. “JC,” Chris said. “JC! JC!”

A startled inhalation, and JC was back. “Oh. What?”

“Breakfast,” Chris said. “Where did you go?”

“To Justin,” JC said.

Joey handed Justin a glass of milk. “You’re Justin.”

“Yes,” Justin said, giving him Lance’s “Joe, you’re nuts” look. “Should I wear a nametag, so you’ll remember?”

“Last night, you said, ‘I’m Justin.’ JC’s JC, and you’re Justin, and that means something to you. I need you to explain it to me, because I’m not getting it.”

“Oh,” Justin said, and stirred his cereal. “I don’t know if I can explain it. JC could.”

“If JC could, then you can,” Joey said. “It’s his concept? He’s explained it to you?”

Justin nodded, chewing.

“How did he explain it?” Joey asked.

Justin swallowed, then shrugged. “I’m Justin. I’m perfect. I’m beautiful. I’m talented. I’m the most special creature who’s ever walked the planet.”

“Oh,” Joey said. “That whole spiel.”

“Right.”

“And you believe that?”

Justin gave him a look. “Yes.”

Oh. “Because JC says it, and JC believes it, so it’s true.”

“Yes,” Justin agreed simply.

“Whatever JC has promised you, he delivers on. Whatever JC says to you, is true.”

“Yes.”

“Basically, JC’s God.”

Justin smiled. “Exactly.”

Joey stared at him.

Justin ate more cereal, completely non-plussed.

“I knew he wasn’t dead,” Justin said. “And JC will never die. He’ll live forever. He’s in me. If he dies. Even if I die. He’ll still exist.”

“He’s not God,” Nick said.

“I think he is,” Justin said softly. “I believe.”

Oh. Holy. Shit.

JC was sitting at Brian’s desk, writing.

Chris was snuggling up to Howie, who was kissing his neck.

The phone rang. Howie reached for it, checked the ID, and answered it. “Kevin.”

Street observation 593: One Street may, and will, answer the phone in another Street’s home.

“Everything’s good,” Howie said. “I’m going to run out and pick up some more groceries later. And I need a favor. Yeah. Come over. Okay. Bye.” He hung up and kissed Chris’s neck.

“Kevin’s coming?” Chris asked.

“Mm-hmm,” Howie said, turning slightly, finding a new patch of skin towards the back.

“I don’t know how I feel about Kevin.”

“That’s okay,” Howie said.

Oh sweet… Chris waited until the freshest wave of heat had passed before he tried to talk. “He did hook us up, house-wise. Very helpful in that department.”

“House,” JC said.

“JC?” Howie asked, gently encouraging, like one second ago he hadn’t been on Chris like Joey on the lay of the day in the back of a club.

“I want to move into the house,” JC said, turning to them. “The house I bought for Justin. I want it ready when he comes home.”

“New start, new house,” Howie said.

“We can do that,” Chris said.

“That’s a great idea,” Howie said.

“Uh,” Chris said.

“What?” JC asked.

“I don’t want Howie to get house envy,” Chris said. “The one you bought for Justin is about twenty million dollars more than the one I got for Howie.”

“I love our house,” Howie said. “It’s perfect for us.”

JC frowned.

“What?” Chris asked.

“Did you hear something?”

“No,” Chris said. “Something like what?”

JC stood. “I don’t know. It sounded familiar.”

“Familiar like what?” Chris asked. JC was walking slowly from the room, concentrating; Chris followed him, concerned; Howie trailed them, curious. In the hallway, JC stopped. “Did you hear that?”

“Hear what?” Chris asked, but JC was on the move again. They rounded the corner, and JC paused.

Suddenly, Chris knew exactly what JC had heard, and why JC had tuned in to it before either of them. Faint but distinct, from the room at the top of the stairs, came the sounds from a porn soundtrack. Moans of mounting passion. Screams of carnal ecstasy. A bottom boy in heat. It sounded a hell of a lot like Justin at his best.

Then the begging started. Chris’s jaw dropped. Even JC blushed. Justin begged, but damn, nothing like this.

Howie put his hands over Chris’s ears and steered him back down the hallway. JC followed quickly, and closed the door.

They were busy all morning, never getting a moment alone. Finally, they found a quiet second in a cleared room. Jeff sat on the table, and Nick sat beside him.

Jeff looked down at his hands, then at Nick. “I’m sorry about last night. That wasn’t helpful.”

“It’s okay,” Nick said. “You took it better than anyone else would have.”

“My first thought is that you’re making more out of this than is really there,” Jeff said. “You’re very guilt-ridden right now, and you’re confused, and you’re scared. There’s a lot going on, with Lance and everything else. You don’t know who’s going to accuse you of what, so you’re trying on all of the accusations to see what might happen, and you found one that struck something. But, Nick, you don’t love Brian. Do you?”

Nick didn’t know what to say. “I don’t know.”

“What makes you think that you might?”

“All of the feelings that I have for him… Ultimately, they’re supposed to be about Drew. They’re not, but they are. You know what I mean.”

Jeff nodded.

“I think that it’s more than that. I think that it’s gone beyond that. I have feelings for Brian outside of the connection the five of us have built.”

Jeff’s gaze was as direct as ever. “What about Nick?”

“Nick?” Nick asked. “What do you mean?”

“How do you feel about him?”

“I love him,” Nick said. “I treat him like shit whenever I get upset, and I don’t know why he keeps giving me second chance after second chance, but I love him.”

“Love him how?”

“I don’t know,” Nick said. “He’s in my face all of the time, he pushes all of the wrong buttons, talking to him is like running an obstacle course. But he pushes all of the right buttons, too.”

“All of them?” Jeff asked with a smile.

Nick turned pink to the tips of his ears. “Yeah.”

“If the rest of us weren’t around, if you met Nick, do you think you’d hook up with him?”

“No,” Nick said. “No, I… I’d want to,” he admitted. “I’d really want to. But I don’t think he’d want to.”

“You don’t?”

“Not really. To him I’m just Drew’s older brother. I think he wants to be my friend, but I don’t think… He’s not attracted to me.”

“But you want him.”

“Yes.”

“Scale of one to ten. Take me off the scale. Pretend I don’t even exist, I’m just your friend like Justin is. One to ten, one is you’d do him if you were drunk and desperate, ten is you lay awake at night crawling out of your skin wanting to taste his sweat.”

“Uh…” Nick thought about it. “Fourteen point five?”

Jeff laughed.

“Am I being too honest?” Nick asked.

“No, no,” Jeff said. “I want you to tell me. So you want Nick.”

“You could say that,” Nick said.

“And you love him?”

“Yeah. I want to… I want to treat him like Drew and Brian do, I want to protect him and adore him like they do. Their love is in their eyes every time they look at him, and they can make him laugh, and he’s so comfortable with them, he’s so happy around them. I wish he were that way with me, I wish I could be like that, but I’m so scared of doing the wrong thing and screwing it all up, I end up messing it up.”

“You love him so much you’re nervous around him,” Jeff said. “You’ve never fallen in love with someone you didn’t already have an established friendship with. Not love like that.”

“I guess not,” Nick said.

“You don’t know how to approach him.”

“This is new?” Nick asked.

“I don’t think I ever understood it so completely before,” Jeff said. “I’ve been stupid. But I get it now.”

“Can you tell me how to fix it?” Nick asked.

“We’ll work on it,” Jeff said. “But tell me, you love Nick. You want him. How is that different than what you feel for Brian?”

“I…” Nick closed his mouth.

Jeff waited, watching him closely.

“I don’t know,” Nick said. “Maybe it isn’t. Does this mean I’m betraying you twice over?”

“No, this means you’re paranoid,” Jeff said. “You don’t love them outside of the bounds we’ve set.”

“How do you know? I don’t know that,” Nick said.

“How do you feel about Brian? What does he make you feel?”

“I don’t know, how does he make you feel?” Nick asked.

“Brian carries a warm glow,” Jeff said. “When he loves you, he shares it with you.”

Nick raised his eyebrows. “You’re good at this.”

“Drew, Nick, and Brian are very, very much in love with each other. You and I are very, very much in love with each other. When the five of us get together, we’re sharing a lot of love, and generating a lot of new love. It’s a very strong, very powerful love. But it’s also very firmly set inside the lines we’ve drawn. It would be easy to mistake the strength of it for something else. It’s confused Nick, too, several times. But you need to understand that, as much as you love Brian, and as much as Brian loves you, he will never look at you as a potential partner outside of this. And you will never look at him as a potential partner.”

“Because I’m in love with you?”

“Yes, thank you for noticing,” Jeff said. “And because you love Drew, and Brian is Drew’s husband, and you would never interfere with that. You would never touch that, Nick, you know that.”

“No, I wouldn’t,” Nick said. “I would never do that to Drew.”

“Are you feeling any better?”

“I’m a little jittery inside, but talking about Nick always does that to me.”

“Are you two ever going to resolve that?” Jeff asked.

“Doesn’t look like it,” Nick said.

“I thought you’d fixed it,” Jeff said. “I thought you two understood each other.”

“We did,” Nick said. “But then I felt threatened, when I thought that we’d all been exposed, and I went right back to putting everything on him. Which makes me feel like shit.”

“I don’t want you to feel like shit,” Jeff said, rubbing Nick’s shoulder. “Why don’t you call him and tell him you love him?”

“Me?” Nick asked.

“Yes.”

“I don’t know,” Nick said uneasily. “You know we don’t communicate well.”

“How hard is it to misunderstand ‘I love you?’” Jeff asked.

“It’s Nick,” Nick said. “He’ll either think I mean I want to screw him, I’m making fun of him, I want something from him, you put me up to it-”

“You’re right, you’re right,” Jeff said. “I still want you to try. Explain to him what you’re thinking.”

“Explain what, that I accused him of being the only one to blame for everything, or that he’s a fourteen point five on the lust scale?”

Jeff smiled. “Oh, definitely mention the fourteen point five.”

Nick pushed him. “You’re no help.”

“Never claimed to be,” Jeff said, sliding down from the table. He stood in front of Nick. “Do you have everybody compartmentalized again?”

“Yeah,” Nick said, his hands on Jeff’s hips pulling Jeff in between his legs. “Brian and Nick in their box, Drew in his box, and you,” he kissed Jeff, “in the box marked ‘dangerous contents, open immediately.’”

Jeff laughed and kissed him. “I love the way you see me.”

Nick grinned. “I love the way you-”

Justin knocked on the door, opening it a crack. “Sorry. We need you.”

“The way I what?” Jeff asked.

“Not in front of the straight guy,” Nick said, standing.

“Justin won’t mind,” Jeff said.

“Trust me,” Nick said, “he would.”

The doorbell rang. Howie got up to answer it.

“Who is it?” Chris asked JC.

“Not Justin,” JC said.

“It’s not Howie, either,” Chris said.

JC smiled at him. “It’s not?”

“Nope,” Chris said. “If it were, you see, I would sense it with my extraordiary ‘man in love’ powers. But it is not Howie. I can assure you. It’s a very finely honed skill of mine.”

“I’m impressed,” JC said.

“You should be,” Chris said.

“Do you know who it is?” JC asked.

“I sense…a person,” Chris said.

“A person,” JC said.

“Absolutely,” Chris said.

Howie came to the doorway, with Kevin standing behind him.

“It’s Kevin,” Chris said.

“Very observant,” JC said. “Hi,” he said to Kevin.

“I had sensed that it was a white male, about six two, with green eyes and a musical background,” Chris said. “I just didn’t want to frighten you with my uncanny superpowers.”

“Every time I talk to you, I feel like I’m coming into the middle of a movie,” Kevin said.

“A funny movie?” Chris asked.

Kevin just smiled.

“We’re going to talk in the other room,” Howie said.

Chris watched them go. “I wonder if they’re going to talk about us.”

“I don’t think so,” JC said.

“How’s your gaydar?” Chris asked.

“Not very good,” JC said.

“Yeah, mine sucks,” Chris said. “Case in point, I don’t even know if I’m gay. I wonder if Kevin is.”

“Does it matter?”

“It might matter to AJ.”

JC looked at him.

Chris rewound what he’d said and listened to it again.

“Do you know something?” JC asked.

“About?” Chris asked, to buy himself time.

“Whether AJ wants Lance or Kevin.”

“If he’s smart, he’ll skip them both,” Chris said.

“Chris, if you know something…”

“What, I should tell Lance?” Chris asked. “I don’t even know if I know anything. I think I suspect something, but until AJ gets back, who the hell knows anything?”

“Lance is our friend.”

“Lance is fucking with all of us,” Chris said. “I don’t even know anything for sure, I don’t know what I know, and if I tell him something and it’s wrong, then what? I don’t want to do that to him.”

“What do you think you know?”

“I think AJ’s playing with Kevin,” Chris said. “That doesn’t mean anything.”

“How does Kevin feel about him?” JC asked.

“Hell if I know,” Chris said. “I haven’t really talked to him about it. You could ask him.”

“Maybe,” JC said.

Movement by the door; Chris looked up to see Brian standing there, in shorts and a T-shirt, rubbing his foot up his leg like he had an itch. “Hey,” Brian said with that friendly little smile.

Chris knew he was red to the tips of his pointy little ears.

“Kevin’s here,” JC said, like nothing was even slightly different than usual.

“Oh, great,” Brian said. “I’m going to get something to eat. Are you all right?”

“Fine,” JC said. Brian left. Chris was amazed he was even up and out of bed, after that. They might not see Nick for days.

Justin was in a corner of the sofa, his arms spread, his head back. He’d been gazing at the ceiling for a while. Joey kept nudging him every few minutes, to make sure he was still sane, or at least coherent.

Then Joey nudged Justin, and got nothing. He nudged Justin again. Nothing, not a sound or a twitch. He shook Justin’s shoulder. “Justin.”

“My whole existence is flawed.”

“What?”

“You get me closer to God.”

Joey frowned. “Justin.”

“Through every forest, above the trees, within my stomach, scraped off my knees.”

“Justin! Talk to me.”

“I drink the honey inside your hive. You are the reason I stay alive.”

“Don’t do this, Justin, don’t go there.”

“You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you.”

“God, don’t do this, you don’t want to do this.”

“You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you.”

Joey shook Justin’s shoulder, hoping to jostle him out of it.

“Help me I broke apart my insides, help me I’ve got no soul to sell.”

“Damn it! Justin!”

“Help me the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself.”

“You are the most dramatic, self-absorbed, screwed-up person I have ever met! And you know the kind of women I date.”

“I want to fuck you like an animal,” Justin said, and Joey saw his entire body tense. “I want to fuck you from the inside.” Justin’s eyes closed tightly. “I want to fuck you like an animal.”

“If I ever meet Trent Reznor, I am going to bitch-slap him,” Joey said.

“My whole existence is flawed. You get me closer to God.”

“Yeah, you said. Want to unclench those fingers?” Joey said, seeing the deathgrip Justin had on the sofa.

“You can have my isolation,” Justin whispered. “You can have the hate that it brings.”

“Jesus, there’s more?!”

“You can have my absence of faith. You can have my everything.”

“How long is this song?” Joey asked.

“Help me tear down my reason. Help me it’s your sex I can smell.”

“Hey, I took a bath.”

“Help me you make me perfect. Help me become somebody else.”

“Help you become somebody sane?” Joey suggested. “Justin, this was scary the first time you did it, and it’s not much better now, so knock it the hell off.”

“I want to fuck you like an animal,” Justin said, nostrils flaring. “I want to feel you from the inside. I want to fuck you like an animal.”

“I hate this song,” Joey said.

“My whole existence is flawed. You get me closer to God.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

“Through every forest, above the trees.”

“Weren’t we here already?”

“Within my stomach, scraped off my knees.”

“I know you said that part. Are you sitting there with this song going around and around and around in your head? No wonder you’re losing it. Justin!”

“I drink the honey inside your hive. You are the reason I stay alive.”

“JC, forgive me,” Joey said.

“You let me violate you, you let me-”

Joey slapped Justin across the face.

Justin bolted upright, eyes open. “JC?!”

“Jesus,” Joey said. “Don’t you ever do that again.”

“JC?” Justin asked.

“Sorry,” Joey said. “He’s not here. Where do you go when you do that?”

“Do what?” Justin asked.

Joey sat beside him. “You were quoting that song. ‘Closer.’ The one you quoted before.”

Justin frowned. “‘Closer?’”

“The ‘I want to fuck you like an animal’ song. Nine Inch Nails.”

“I don’t know that song,” Justin said. “I know it, I’ve heard it, but I don’t know the words.”

“You were saying it line for line.”

“I couldn’t have been.”

“You’ve done it before.”

“Before when?”

“When JC… When we thought… Before. Don’t make me say it,” Joey said.

Justin pushed Joey away, holding Joey at arm’s length, lowering his head, closing his eyes. Whispering to himself.

“Sorry,” Joey said, wincing.

“How can it be that right here with me there’s an angel? It’s a miracle. How can it be that right here with me there’s an angel? It’s a miracle. How can it be that right here with me there’s an angel? It’s a miracle.”

Joey hoped Justin could hold it together, but he wasn’t sure it would happen. The words were coming faster and faster, less and less clearly.

“How can it be that right here with me there’s an angel it’s a miracle how can it be that right here with me there’s an angel it’s a miracle howcanitbe-”

Joey heard the words build to a desperate rush as Justin’s fingers dug into his arm. “Justin, it’s okay, it-”

Justin screamed bloody murder.

JC looked up.

“What?” Chris asked, glancing over at him.

“Did you hear something?” JC asked.

“Again?” Chris asked.

“It’s not that, it’s something else, it-”

Nick walked into the room. No, he dragged himself into the room. He sat bonelessly and closed his eyes. “Hi.”

JC’s cheeks were stained pink.

Chris couldn’t believe it. JC had been blushing earlier, too. Was it possible for JC, the one and only JC, to blush? At sex? Maybe at sex, regular sex, two bodies humping sex, but two men shredding each other with ecstasy borne of passionate love? That was JC’s forte! He should have been looking on with an indulgent smile, not blushing. And he hadn’t blushed at seeing Brian, either. What was happening?

“God, I’m starving,” Nick said.

Chris wondered if Brian and Nick always had sex like that. Howie hadn’t seemed too fazed. Then again, Howie didn’t act fazed that often. Did Nick and Brian have sex like that once a month? Once a week? Every day? Damn, Drew was one lucky guy. Or one worn-out guy. Maybe being on tour gave him a much-needed break.

Nick’s eyes were open again. He was eyeing JC. “What’s with you?”

“Nothing,” JC said, and turned back to his letter quickly.

Nick rolled his eyes. Then he caught Chris staring, too. “What?!”

“Nothing,” Chris said, but it was hard not to stare. He’d never heard anyone sound anything like Justin before. He’d also never heard anyone with a filthier mouth than Nick Carter. Nick said that stuff to Brian, of all people? It wasn’t possible. Chris couldn’t imagine anyone, not even Joey or AJ, hearing that and not being scandalized.

Nick was looking at him with impatience. “What do you want, Kirkpatrick?”

Chris poked Nick’s arm.

“Where’s your keeper?” Nick asked.

“He’s talking to Kevin,” Chris said, then realized a little too late that he probably shouldn’t have answered that question quite that way. Nick just grinned at him, amused. Now Chris was blushing, which wasn’t fair, so he said, “For the record, you are a screamer.”

Nick glared at him. “You were listening?”

“You were loud.” Chris reached over and stopped JC from tapping his pen against the desk like that.

“I can have sex with my fiance in my house.”

“Yeah, I heard.”

“Fuck you,” Nick said. “I’m not ashamed and I’m not sorry. You got yours last night and I didn’t give you any shit about it, so don’t give me shit now.”

Chris felt a little guilty. Only a tiny bit. And he did owe Nick for giving him Howie time last night. “You’re right. No shit.” Chris reached over and lowered JC’s hand from his mouth to keep him from sucking on his rings.

“Good.” Nick crossed his arms over his chest.

“But you’re still a screamer.”

“Yeah? What do you sound like in bed? You want me to ask Howie?”

“He won’t tell you,” Chris said.

Nick just snorted. “JC, what’s wrong? You’re agitating the hell out of-”

“Can we call Justin?” JC asked quickly.

“For what?” Nick asked.

Chris’s phone rang.

The three of them stared at each other.

Chris couldn’t believe it. “How did you-”

“Answer the phone!” Nick said, shoving him.

“Right!” Chris scrambled for it, fumbling. “Hello?”

“He’s freaking out and I can’t get him calm and I’m two seconds away from calling 911,” Joey said. “Get me JC, tell me what to do, I don’t know how to help him.”

Chris waved for JC’s attention. “Get Brian, go.” JC didn’t move, so Chris pushed at him, and he jerked into motion, running from the room. “What’s he doing, what happened?” Chris asked.

“Tell me you don’t hear that,” Joey said.

“No, I hear that, he’s screaming like a banshee,” Chris said. “But I can’t get any words. What happened?”

“I reminded him of when JC disappeared,” Joey said. “I don’t know what to do, JC’s always here to pull him back out of it. Can you put him on the phone?”

“Hold on, I have a higher authority,” Chris said, handing off the phone as Brian came into the room.

“This is Brian,” Brian said quickly. “What happened?”

“I reminded Justin of JC disappearing, he lost it, it’s like when someone mentions JC being d-e-a-d, he’s on the ground pulling his hair out, I tried to stop him and he fucking bit me, I don’t know what to do without hurting him.”

“Damn it, we shouldn’t have left you alone,” Brian said. “Try to pin him down if you can, tell him JC’s on the phone, get his attention.” Brian put his hand on JC’s arm, focusing him on the present. “JC, Justin needs you to be strong. Listen to the tone of my voice. It’s very calm, and it’s very soothing.”

“What’s wrong?” JC asked. “What’s happened to him, what’s wrong?”

“Justin wants to hear from you. Do you hear how calm and soothing my voice is right now? I want you to try to sound like this when you talk to him. Very reassuring. Can you do that?” In Brian’s ear, Justin was screaming and Joey was cursing. Brian couldn’t decipher a full sentence, but the gist of it was, Justin was furious that anyone would have the gall to touch him while he was in mourning.

“Is he all right? I have to go to him, I have to help him, let me go to him!” JC said.

“You’re going to help him right now,” Brian said. “Talk to him. Reassure him.”

“Is there a Justin Timberlake Chasez here?” Joey called. “Justin Timberlake Chasez? JC’s on the phone! JC Timberlake Chasez is on the phone! Does anybody know a JC Timberlake Chasez? Does anybody want to talk to JC? Does anybody want to get a phone call from JC? Is JC’s baby here? JC’s baby?”

The screaming stopped.

“Do you want to talk to JC? JC’s on the phone,” Joey said. “You want to talk to JC? You want to hear JC’s voice? No, JC’s on the phone, he’s right here, he wants to talk to you. He wants to talk to you. JC, your JC. He wants to talk to you.”

Rushed, breathless, “JC?”

Brian handed the phone to JC. “Calm, soft, soothing,” Brian coached.

“Justin, baby,” JC said.

Hoarse sobs.

“Justin, baby, no, don’t cry, please, Justin,” JC said, instinctively panicking at the sound of Justin in pain.

“Strong,” Brian whispered. “He needs you to be strong.”

JC closed his eyes. His voice held steady. “I’m being strong for you, baby, can you be strong for me?”

“Good, that’s good, you’re doing great,” Brian said.

“Hearing you in pain tears me up inside, baby. It hurts me to see you hurt,” JC said. “You’re all right, Justin, you can make it through anything, you’re so strong, you’re so strong, Justin, you’re so special, baby, you can make it through. Please don’t cry, baby.”

Tortured sobs.

“Talk to me, Justin. Tell me, baby, please.”

Nick put his arm around JC for support, then put his ear close to the phone. He shook his head and told Brian, “Just crying.”

“Tell him you’re all right, you’re fine,” Brian said. “He’s very worried about you. He needs to be reassured that you’ll be together again.”

The house phone rang. Nick picked it up. “Hello?”

“Hey,” Joey said.

“What’s going on?” Nick demanded, stepping out into the hallway, away from JC. “What are you doing to him?”

“He was on the floor screaming, scratching his skin open, and pulling out his hair,” Joey said. “Now he’s on the floor again, but he’s just curled up crying.”

“How bad was it?” Nick asked.

“Bad,” Joey said. “It used to be, if you said anything about the possibility of JC dying, he’d lose it. He was getting better, or I guess I thought he was getting better. But I mentioned back when JC disappeared and we thought the worst, and he freaked out. He tried to hold it together, but he lost that battle.”

“Damn, if Justin’s going to get over that, JC’s going to have to say more than ‘it’s all right, baby.’”

“That’s all he’s saying?”

“We’re trying to keep him from falling into the same cycles,” Nick said. “Hold on.” He walked back in and handed Chris the phone. “Talk to your boy.” He whispered to Brian. “JC has to change what he’s saying. This won’t do it.”

“I don’t want him to know why Justin’s upset,” Brian whispered, touching Nick’s hair.

“I know, I don’t, either, but Justin’s not going to get over it.” Nick tugged Chris into their huddle. “Am I wrong, or whenever this went down in the past, JC fucked Justin stupid until he got over it?”

“Something like that,” Chris said.

“We can’t do that,” Brian said.

“Joey could,” Nick said.

“Please be helpful,” Brian said.

Chris’s attention was distracted by the phone. “Joey says he’s gone so fetal, his forehead’s on his knees, and he’s still crying.”

“One of us has to get over there,” Nick said. “JC can’t go, and this is too much for Joey on his own. Can you go?” he asked Chris.

“I have to be here for JC,” Chris said. “If Joey and I could switch, I’d go, but I can’t leave JC alone.”

“JC doesn’t want me to go,” Brian said.

Chris pulled on JC’s elbow to get his attention. “Tell him where you are,” Chris said. “Tell him exactly where you are and what you’ve been doing.”

“That’ll let Justin know he’s actually somewhere real, and not just randomly missing?” Nick asked.

“That’s good,” Brian said.

“I’m at Nick and Brian and Drew’s house, Justin. I’m close to home. I’m at Nick’s house, I’m in Brian’s office in the back of the house, Nick and Brian are both here with me. So’s Chris, baby, Chris is here, remember, you talked to him last night? I’m with Chris, I’m with Nick and Brian, Howie and Kevin are here, we’re all here in Nick’s house. I’ve been sleeping upstairs, in the guest room, the guest room in Nick’s house. Chris has been staying with me, in the guest room.”

“Totally innocent,” Chris said.

“He’s been so good to stay with me, baby, like Joey’s staying there with you. I don’t like thinking of you being lonely, and I’m not with you right now, but Brian’s coming to see you. Brian’s coming to see you, Justin, because I can’t be there, and he’s bringing you a letter. I wrote to you, Justin, I wrote down some of the things I want to say to you, there’s so much I want to tell you.”

“Did he say you’re going?” Nick asked Brian.

“Congratulations,” Chris said, shaking Brian’s hand. “Brian’s coming,” he told Joey.

“Thank God,” Joey said.

“I love you, Justin,” JC said.

Brian and Chris sighed, putting their arms around each other’s waists. Nick gave them a suspicious look.

“I love you, baby, I love you more than I can ever tell you or ever show you. I want you to know how much I love you, and I want you to understand that whatever happens, whatever we go through, I love you,” JC said. “I’ll always love you, Justin. Things happen, things like what we’re going through now, things that we didn’t expect. You can’t think that because I’m not there, my love isn’t there. I love you as much as I ever did, baby, I love you more than I ever did, because I love you more every second I know you. I love you more with every beat of our hearts. I’m not with you right now in the room that you’re in, and you’re not here with me in this room, but I still love you. You have to know that, Justin. You have to know I’m always loving you, no matter what.”

“He’s not crying as hard,” Chris reported softly in the background.

Nick tugged Brian and Chris away from each other, separating them by a few feet.

“I miss you, Justin. I miss you a lot, baby. I miss seeing all of your teeth when you laugh. I miss the way your pants ride on your hips. I miss the way your hand feels so strong in mine. I miss the sound of my name from your mouth. We watched The Matrix, Justin, and you weren’t there, and I missed you. Remember what you said, baby? Remember you said you were like someone trapped in the Matrix, not even fully alive but never knowing it, until I came along like Neo and changed everything, gave you a whole new reality, and you couldn’t believe you’d ever thought what you’d had was close to being alive? You’ve done that for me, Justin, you’ve brought me alive, you’ve given me a whole new world. I want to thank you for that, Justin. Thank you, baby. I don’t know how I ever thought I was living before you.”

Nick was rolling his eyes. “We’re down to whimpering,” Chris whispered.

“It’s a beautiful world you’ve shown me, Justin. A beautiful world of love and hope and promise and passion. I want to live here with you in it forever.”

“Now that’s not bad,” Nick said. “When he gets going, he’s pretty good.”

“Do you remember what you said to me before you left with Lance and Joey, Justin? You said, ‘I love you, JC.’ You told me that you loved me. I keep that with me every day, I never let that go. Don’t let me forget it, Justin. You told me that you loved me, and that’s so special to me, baby, that’s such an amazing gift, your love, I can’t ever forget it. I want you to know that I love you, Justin, I want you to keep that with you, too. I want you to let it help you. It’s not meant to be a burden on you, Justin, it’s meant to give you warmth. I want you to know that you’re loved as deeply as you are.”

“He’s mostly quiet,” Chris said.

“Baby, Justin, please. Take care of yourself. My wish for you, I want you to be happy and healthy and safe. Your happiness is important to me, Justin. I want you to be safe and well. Please try for me, Justin. Try for yourself.”

“He’s doing a great job,” Brian said.

“Justin, I love you. I want to be with you soon. I’m going to do everything I can to be with you as soon as I can. It’s been hard, Justin, it’s so hard without you, but I’m going to be strong, Justin, and I want you to be strong, too, baby. Be strong. I love you. I love you, Justin. I love you.” JC closed his eyes.

“Justin’s quiet,” Chris reported.

“Do you think he'll be okay?” Nick asked.

“It can be hard to predict Justin’s behavior about JC,” Chris said. “Either he’s perfectly fine, or he’s ten seconds away from losing it again.”

“Is Justin talking?” Nick asked.

“Is Justin talking?” Chris asked. “No, just breathing.”

“They’re listening to each other breathe?” Nick asked.

“They’ve been separated,” Brian said. “Give them a minute.”

“Yeah, but this could take hours,” Nick said.

“They will do this for the next three days straight if we let them,” Chris agreed.

“How long should we let them stay on the line?” Nick asked Brian.

“They’re not hurting each other,” Brian said.

“Forget it, you’re on their side,” Nick said. “Is Justin quiet?” he asked Chris.

“Is Justin quiet?” Chris asked. “Yeah, he’s pretty quiet.”

“Great. JC, can I have the phone?”

“Nick,” Brian said.

“JC,” Nick said. “Justin’s feeling much better now. You did a great job.”

JC was holding the phone to his ear with two hands now, clinging to Justin as best he could.

Nick approached slowly, holding out one hand. “Can I have the phone?”

JC turned away, pressing the phone to his ear, protecting their connection.

“Justin’s fine,” Nick said. “He’s fine, JC, he’s okay. I want you to say good-bye now and get off the phone now, while you’re both calm, before he starts talking. So give me the phone.”

“I love you,” JC whispered. He thrust the phone at Brian and left the room.

“JC,” Nick said, following him. JC hurried upstairs. A door slammed.

“What?” Howie asked, coming into the hallway with Kevin.

“JC betrayed Justin,” Chris said.

“Betrayed him?” Kevin asked.

“Justin cracked up screaming and JC wasn’t there for him,” Nick said. “He didn’t protect him or save him or rescue him. And JC’s made Justin a lot of promises that he isn’t keeping.”

“Shouldn’t someone go talk to him?” Howie asked.

“You go,” Chris said to Brian.

“Me?” Brian asked.

“He wants you to go to Justin,” Nick said.

“Come with me,” Brian said to Chris. “If we cover any important ground, someone who’s staying here with JC should be in the room.”

“Yeah, and I’m chopped liver,” Nick said.

“Good of you to notice,” Chris said to Nick, and went upstairs with Brian.

“So what are you doing here?” Nick asked Kevin.

“Doing me a favor,” Howie said. “There’s a psychiatrist who writes on co-dependent behaviors in committed relationships, and how couples in trouble can come to lead healthy lives. He’s going to be at Toulangerie’s, and I’ve set up a private interview with him.”

“Are we supposed to be letting the public know about this?” Nick asked. “JC and Justin don’t want everyone knowing they’re cracking up and tearing each other apart.”

“Kevin’s going to go and sound him out, see what he has to offer,” Howie said.

“Why is Kevin going and not you?” Nick asked.

“Everyone knows I’m with Chris,” Howie said. “I don’t want anyone, either Dr. Wilson or anyone else, to think that Chris and I are having trouble with our relationship. We don’t need more rumors.”

“Chris could use some therapy, though,” Nick said. “Then again, so could you,” he told Kevin.

“Thanks,” Kevin said. “Nice love bite.”

“Where?” Nick asked.

“Right here,” Howie said, tipping up Nick’s chin.

“Oh, that one’s nothing,” Nick said. “You should see the, never mind.” The doorbell rang. “I’ll get that.”

Howie and Kevin raised their eyebrows at each other.

Nick opened the door. “Look, everybody, it’s Lance,” he said with fake cheer.

Kevin’s eyebrows came together.

“Come in,” Howie invited, shaking Lance’s hand, nudging Nick to make him close the door. “JC’s upstairs with Chris and Brian, so whether you’re here for business or pleasure, they’re all busy.”

“How’s JC been?” Lance asked. “I didn’t get a chance to stay very long yesterday.”

“He’s fine,” Howie said.

There was a crash from overhead.

“Really,” Lance said.

“I’m sure Brian and Chris are handling it,” Howie said with a smile. “If they need any help, they’ll yell. Nick, Kevin brought some groceries. Why don’t we finish putting them away and see what we can make for lunch?”

“Sure,” Nick said. “Are you…staying?” he asked Lance.

“Yes,” Lance said.

“Great,” Nick said with a sickly sweet smile. He followed Howie to the kitchen.

Kevin squared his shoulders.

Lance lifted his chin.

Kevin was unimpressed.

Lance was even less impressed.

Kevin wondered what would happen if he punched Lance in the face. He could almost see it: Lance falling on his ass, skidding backward with the momentum, blood pouring from his broken nose. It would be greatly satisfying.

Lance struck first. “How’s your girlfriend?”

Kevin held his temper. “She’s fine.”

“What’s her name, again?”

“Molly.” It was hard to believe that Lance’s tan was real, considering how much time Lance spent getting wasted in darkened clubs. Beauty was only skin-deep, and even that much Lance was faking.

“Don’t worry about it,” Lance said.

“Worry about what?” Kevin asked, immediately mad at himself for how clipped his words sounded. He didn’t want to reveal how much Lance upset him, how jealous he was even now, but it was obvious nonetheless, and he knew it.

“Going back to women. You couldn’t handle it. Nothing wrong with knowing your limits.”

Kevin never would have expected to have his masculinity challenged in quite this way. It irritated him. “I could handle men just fine,” he said pointedly, “if I wanted them.”

“It’s all right,” Lance said. “You don’t have to prove anything.”

“No, I don’t, but obviously you do,” Kevin said. “What is it? What are you trying to get at?”

“I’m not trying to get at anything,” Lance said. “Calm down.”

“I am calm,” Kevin snapped. Lance was pushing his buttons, and he was not enjoying it.

There was another crash from upstairs. Lance put his hand on the bannister and put his foot on the first step.

“What are you doing?” Kevin asked, grabbing Lance’s hand.

“I’d like to make sure that JC’s all right,” Lance said too calmly, making Kevin look out of control by comparison.

“JC’s fine,” Kevin said. “If he’s not, they’ll let us know.” Kevin was not about to let Lance wander Brian’s home of his own free will.

“I’d like to see that for myself,” Lance said, taking another step.

Kevin yanked Lance down and back. Lance fell into him; he kept his balance, shifting to accommodate the sudden weight of Lance’s body. “I don’t recall Brian inviting you up there,” he said, adjusting his grip on Lance’s arms.

“I’m worried about JC,” Lance said, making no move to displace himself from where he was leaning back against Kevin’s chest.

“He’s in good hands,” Kevin said, pushing Lance away from himself.

Lance shook off Kevin’s hands, turning to face him. “I’m sure he is.”

Kevin had no interest in playing Lance’s games. “Nick!” Nick popped around the corner. “Keep Lance company. Take him to the kitchen and show him where you keep the sharp knives. Tell Howie I’m going to take care of that errand for him.”

“Sure,” Nick said. “Come on, Bass, Howie’s trying to get me to grate cheese. You can do it.”

Kevin gave Lance one last look, then left.

Chris picked up shards from the lamp JC had thrown at the door.

Brian held JC’s hands, sitting beside him on the foot of the bed. “I have to say good-bye to Nick privately, and then I’ll go,” Brian said. “Right away. I do think that Chris is right. It’s a good idea to have someone read the letter before it’s given to Justin. Would you be all right with that?”

“You,” JC said. “If someone has to read it, I want you to read it. You’ll understand what I’m saying to him.”

“Thank you,” Brian said. “JC, you haven’t gotten any sleep. You look tired. Maybe while I read the letter and get ready to go, you could take a quick nap.”

“Maybe,” JC admitted.

Brian smiled. “Can we trust you in here, or would you like Chris to stay with you?”

“I’ll stay,” Chris volunteered from the floor. “As long as we’re finished playing break-the-furniture.”

“I’m sorry about that,” JC said to Brian. “I’ve never done that before.”

“It’s all right,” Brian said. He squeezed JC’s hands. “Take a nap, and I’ll get ready to go see Justin.” He got up and went downstairs.

Chris rose from his knees. “Want me to tuck you in? I sing a mean nursery rhyme.”

“I’ll be all right,” JC said, laying back on the bed. “You don’t have to stay.”

“I’d love to stay,” Chris said, sitting beside him. “Let’s count sheep.”

“Sorry about the lamp.”

“Not my lamp, I’m not stressed,” Chris said.

“Sorry about the table.”

“That one was kind of impressive.”

“It’s a small table.”

“Now with three legs.”

JC laughed despite himself.

“Want to count sheep, or Justins?”

JC smiled.

“All right. Close your pretty little eyes. One Justin. Two Justins. Three Justins. Four Justins.”

“The talking is keeping me awake.”

“Ungrateful bastard.”

JC laughed.

Chris’s stomach rumbled.

“That’s it,” JC said, opening his eyes. “Chris, go downstairs.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to run away, or lie here crying your heart out, or-”

“I’ll be fine,” JC said. “The worst thing that could happen is I’ll feel well-rested.”

“Okay. But you stay put. No getting up and wandering outside.”

“I’ll be asleep.”

“Good. God, I’m starving.” Chris hesitated. “Are you-”

“I’m sure,” JC said. “Go. Eat something, adore Howie, come check on me if you want.”

“Okay.” Chris walked towards the door. “I-”

“Go!”

Chris slipped out, closing the door. He lurked there for a minute, then went downstairs. He heard faint noise coming from the kitchen, so he went in there. “Lance?”

“Did you leave him up there alone?” Lance asked.

“He’s sleeping,” Chris said. “He told me to come down and get something to eat. Food!”

“Give me five minutes and you can eat,” Howie said.

“God, I love you,” Chris said. “Where are you going?” he asked Lance.

“To check on JC,” Lance said.

“He wants to be alone,” Chris said.

“Did you get that number I wanted?” Lance asked.

“No,” Chris said, proud of how calm his voice sounded.

Lance looked into his eyes.

Chris refused to tremble like a leaf. It was just Lance. What was Lance going to do, fax him to death? Lance had no superpowers, no martial arts training, and nothing to blackmail him with. Lance wasn’t even any bigger than he was. He even had one up on Lance, because he’d told Howie about Lance’s demands and threats about AJ’s phone number, and Lance didn’t know that. So whatever Lance did to retaliate, they’d be prepared for. Chris didn’t feel smug, but he did feel hopeful that he’d get out of this one largely unscathed.

“That’s too bad,” Lance finally said.

“Yeah,” Chris said. He didn’t like the way Lance was looking at him, like he was a stupid, irritating little bug Lance knew exactly how to squish. “If you’re here to check on JC, like I said, he’s sleeping, so-”

“I can wait,” Lance said.

“Where’s Brian?” Chris asked.

“He and Nick went back upstairs,” Howie said. “I think they have some things to talk about before Brian goes.”

“Brian’s going somewhere?” Lance asked.

“To be with Justin,” Chris said. “Nick’s staying here with JC.”

“Really,” Lance said. Chris could see the wheels turning in Lance’s head.

“Wasn’t Kevin here?” Chris asked, to change the subject.

“He had to run an errand for me,” Howie said.

“What is it with you people doing things for each other?” Chris asked.

“I don’t mind doing things for the other guys,” Howie said. “Especially since I know that they do things for me.”

“I’ll bet they do,” Lance said. “I’m sure they’re all real eager to lend a helping…hand.”

Chris ignored him. “I don’t know, I love Joey, but he can get his own groceries.”

“What about everything you’re doing here with JC?” Howie asked.

“That’s different,” Chris said.

“You may not unload Lance’s dishwasher when you’re over at his place, but with this whole situation now, it shows that you’re more than willing to take care of each other,” Howie said.

“I don’t have to unload Lance’s dishwasher,” Chris said. “He knows how to do it.”

“Nick knows how,” Howie said. “He just doesn’t focus well on household chores.”

“I’ve figured out that you must really love Nick, because if you didn’t, I don’t know how you could ever spend time with him,” Chris said. “He’s loud, he’s annoying, he thinks he’s better than everyone-”

“Nick doesn’t think he’s better than everyone,” Howie said.

“He thinks he’s better than me,” Chris clarified.

“Isn’t he?” Lance asked.

“I think Nick likes you,” Howie said to Chris. “You could be friends.”

“I’d rather walk down Broadway naked,” Chris said.

Howie began to set plates on the table.

“Very much in love with you,” Chris said, getting silverware.

Howie snuck an arm around his waist and pulled him back, kissing his neck, then let him go.

Chris steadied himself with a hand on the table. Shouldn’t have said anything. He took a seat and fiddled with his fork, trying to ignore his body’s “let’s see if we can get more of that” rumblings.

“Damn,” Lance said. “Can I use your phone?” he asked Chris.

Oh, right, Lance. “Uh, yeah,” Chris said, handing it over. “Why?”

“Rae’s supposed to call and my battery’s out.” He dialed, moving to the doorway. “Rae, it’s Lance. Yeah, I know, I’m sorry about that. Did you talk to Bob?”

Chris tuned him out, happy to have food. Howie was cleaning up at the sink, singing to himself. Warm fuzzies abounded.

“Chris,” Lance said. “I didn’t know you were still talking to Steve Jerome.”

matthew@matthewtime.com
"Where You Belong" Part 38
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