Copyright April 2, 2002-September 1, 2003 by Matthew Haldeman-Time

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Thus far we've had JC/Justin, Nick/Drew/Brian, Nick/Jeff, Nick/Drew/Brian/Nick/Jeff, AJ/Lance, AJ/Howie, AJ/Kevin, Chris/Howie, and partridge/pear tree.

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashwriters.

Wherein Drew won't go behind Brian's back, AJ can screw anybody he wants, and could JC be mellowing?

Notice: First, read "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," "Rest in Peace," "Destiny," and "Together." I know it sounds like a lot, but it'll only take you an hour or two.

        “What happened?” Justin asked.

        “Nothing,” Joey said.  “Chris called.  He wanted to know how you’re doing.”

        “Is JC okay?” Justin asked.  He looked worried.

        “Yeah, he’s fine.”

        “Are you sure?”

        “Yeah, I’m sure.  I just talked to Chris.”

        “Can you call back?”

        “Justin, what’s wrong?” Joey asked, sitting beside him.

        “I don’t know, I feel like…  It felt like JC was here.  I was dreaming, and he was with me, and he was begging me, begging and begging, and I tried to answer him, but I didn’t do it in time, and then he was gone.  I feel like he’s gone.”

        “JC’s fine,” Joey said, giving Justin a one-armed squeeze.  “He’s okay.”

        “I’d be so much better if I could just, if you could just call and check.”

        “Okay,” Joey said.  “Just so you’ll know he’s fine.”  He called Chris’s phone.

        “Chris-Chris,” Chris said.  JC pushed Nick away and sat at Chris’s side, gazing at him attentively.

        “Hey, it’s Joey.  How’s JC?” Joey asked.

        “He’s fine,” Chris said.  “He’s staring at me kind of hard, but I do look especially hot tonight.  Didn’t I just talk to you?  Wasn’t that you?  Am I losing it?  You’d tell me if I were losing it, wouldn’t you, you wouldn’t keep that from me?”

        “Justin wanted me to check in.  He felt a little disturbance in the force.  Can you tell him yourself?”

        “Sure, put him on,” Chris said.  He put his hand on JC’s chest to keep JC at bay, as Joey handed Justin the phone.

        “JC?” Justin asked softly.

        “JC’s fine, pumpkin,” Chris said.  He pushed harder at JC, looking to Nick for assistance as JC tried to get closer.  “How are you doing?”

        “I hurt all over,” Justin said.

        “Well, that sucks,” Chris said.

        “I miss him everywhere.  He hasn’t touched me in so long.  Joey’s trying to help, but it’s not the same.”

        “It had better not be,” Chris said.  “If it is, somebody’s got some ‘splaining to do.”

        “Can you tell him I love him?”

        “Yeah, I can do that.  I have to go, okay?  You hang in there.”

        “Bye.”

        “Bye.”  Chris hung up, and Nick released JC, who immediately pushed close, licked Chris’s ear, and sat back.

        “How is he?” JC asked.  “What did he say?  How did he sound?  What was-”

        “Okay, that is never happening again,” Chris said, rubbing at his ear.  “You freak.”

        “Justin’s voice was in your ear,” Nick explained.

        “How is he?  What did he say?” JC asked.

        “He can’t taste Justin through me!” Chris said.  “No licking,” he told JC.

        “Does he sound okay?” JC asked.  “How is he?”

        “He doesn’t normally lick me,” Chris told Howie.

        “I know,” Howie said.  “I think JC wants to know how Justin is.”

        “He’s fine,” Chris said, turning back to JC.  “He said that he loves you, he wanted me to tell you that he loves you.  He sounds like he really misses you.”

        “He loves me?” JC asked.  “He said that?”

        “Yes,” Chris said slowly, giving JC the “you’re completely stupid” expression.  “He said…”  Chris tried to remember.  “‘Can you tell him I love him.’”

        JC had one hand pressing into his own chest, like it hurt.

        “I’m still slightly freaked over the licking,” Chris said.  “Do you guys lick each other?” he asked Nick.

        “I lick Brian,” Nick said.

        “Never mind,” Chris said.  “How’d it taste, like chicken?” he asked JC.

        “Justin loves me,” JC said to no one in particular.

        “You want us to write it down so you won’t forget?” Chris asked.

        “I’m in love with you,” JC said.  “The whole thing, real true love, like you want.  I’m it.  I’m in love with you.”

        “That’s…good,” Chris said.

        “The whole thing.  Real true love.  Like you want.  I’m it.  I’m in love with you.”

        “Maybe it’s time to put you to bed,” Chris said.

        “He loves me,” JC said.  “He’s so amazing there’s electricity in everything that he does, running through him…and he loves me.  And he lets me turn it into sexual electricity.  The first time he let me…  I would have worshipped him forever.  And he loves me.”  JC’s eyes closed.  “I loved him so much, and I wanted him so much, that I ached everywhere.  I hurt all over.”

        Chris did a double-take.  “You hurt all over?”

        “I loved him.  You don’t understand,” JC said.  “I ached for him.  To have him.  It caused me physical pain.”

        “It hurt you not to be able to express your love to him,” Brian said quietly from behind JC on the couch.

        JC turned slowly, drawn, putting his back to the rest of the room.

        “You loved him so much you ached inside, and the ache was that much stronger because you couldn’t show him your love.  You couldn’t touch him,” Brian said.  “Not the way you had to be able to.”

        “Yes,” JC said, his gaze intent on Brian.

        “You couldn’t tell him anything.  Not anything important.  Not how beautiful he was, how special he was, how much he meant to you.”

        “I had so much to say to him, that I couldn’t say,” JC said.

        “He was in front of you every day, and he was so beautiful it hurt to look at him.  Your love was so strong inside, it was a force all its own,” Brian said.  “You wanted to touch him, you had to touch him.  And there were plenty of times you could have, plenty of excuses you could have given.  You tried your hardest not to, because you didn’t want to touch him.  It would have tarnished him.  You didn’t have the right.”

        “I tried so hard,” JC whispered.

        “But you had to touch him, you just had to.  So sometimes you’d let yourself.  Just this once, you’d think, just this once, and I won’t do it again.  You’d do it, you’d touch him, and then you’d promise yourself that was the end of it.  You’d obsess over it, you’d remember it clearly, that one moment, his reaction.  But it wasn’t enough, it was never enough, you had to do it again.”

        “I had to,” JC said.

        “It felt so good,” Brian said.  “And it hurt so much.”

        “So much,” JC agreed, an ache in his voice just from the memory of the pain.

        “To touch him, when you couldn’t have more.  To touch him, knowing that other people were touching him, anyone else who wanted to, and they had their hands on him without realizing what a privilege it was.  They took it for granted.”

        “I hated them,” JC said.

        “You would have died to touch him again, you would have given everything for one more smile.  And no one understood.  Everyone touched him like it was nothing. Nothing.  And he handed out smiles so freely, it tore into your heart.”

        “I hated them,” JC said again, more fiercely.

        “You wanted to tell him.  You wanted to scream at them.  You wanted to make him realize how beautiful, how special, how incredible he was.  You wanted to make him feel it.”

        “Yes,” JC said, his hand on Brian’s knee.

        “When he doesn’t see it, when he doesn’t realize how beautiful he is, it hurts you.”

        “Yes,” JC said.

        “That’s why you make love to him.  To make him feel it.  Because the way he looks, the way he sounds, the way he moves, it’s beautiful.  And the way he feels inside, his own beauty explodes inside, it guts him, and for that instant, he can feel it for himself.”

        “Yes,” JC said.  “Yes.”

        “He doesn’t always know that’s what it is, does he?” Brian asked.  “He thinks it’s sex.  He thinks it’s you.”

        “It’s him,” JC said.  “He never sees that it’s him.”

        “You have power over him,” Brian said.  “He doesn’t realize that he has power over you.  He doesn’t know what he does to you.  You have to give him some of that power back.  Let him know.  Give him some control, the control he had back in the beginning when he was just your friend and one smile made your whole day.”

        “Let him know?” JC asked.

        “Justin thinks that the world revolves around you.  He thinks you hung the moon.  He thinks the sun rises and sets in you.  He doesn’t realize that his smile is so warm, it makes the grass grow.”

        “Justin makes the grass grow,” JC said softly, wondering.  “You’re right, that’s right…”

        “Give him some of his power and control back,” Brian said.  “Sit back and watch.  Bask in his glow.  He’ll be so strong and independent and alive, JC.  Just the way you love him to be.”

        “Bask in his glow,” JC repeated, gazing at Brian.

        “Strong, and independent, and alive,” Brian said.  “That’s what you want for him.  It’ll be beautiful, JC.  He’ll be even more beautiful than he is now.”

        “Alive,” JC said.

        “And all of that,” Brian said with a smile, switching gears, “is going to be a lot of work for you.”

        “I think I know whose bed JC wants to stay in tonight,” Chris said.  “And it isn’t mine anymore.”

        “Shut up,” Nick said.

        Brian took JC’s hand, and they stood, leaving the room together.

        “Okay, guess I’ll just sleep down here or something,” Nick said, but he followed them along with Chris and Howie, going upstairs.

        In the hallway outside of the guest room, Brian embraced JC.  “It’ll be all right.  You’ve taken care of him, and you’ve done a great job.  Now it’s his turn to take care of himself.  You have to let him do it.”

        “I love him,” JC said, holding on to Brian.

        “I know you do,” Brian said.  “He knows you do, and that’s all that matters.”  He gave an extra squeeze, and let go.  “Justin’s going to be fine.  He’s had an incredible life so far, and it’ll only get better.  You concentrate on yourself, because you don’t need to worry about him.”

        “Bask in his glow,” JC said.

        Brian smiled.  “That’s right.”

        JC hugged him again.

        “You guys want the master bedroom?” Nick asked.  “I can sleep with Howie.”

        “Hey,” Chris said.

        JC let go of Brian, slowly.

        “Good night,” Brian said.

        “If you kiss, this is going to get really interesting,” Nick said.

        JC slowly, slowly turned and drifted into the guest bedroom.

        “Guess not,” Nick said.  “So, I’ll be down the hall getting naked, if anyone’s interested.”

        “Thanks for the warning,” Chris said.

        Nick kissed Howie’s cheek and went to his bedroom.

        “Ew.”  Chris rubbed at Howie’s cheek.  “Now you have cooties.”

        “Good night,” Howie said to Brian.

        “Let me know if you need anything,” Brian said, and went after Nick.

        Chris propped his arms on Howie’s shoulders, gazing into Howie’s eyes.  “You don’t have to stay.”

        “I want to,” Howie said, stroking his back.

        “It’s silly.”

        “I want to.”

        Chris was up close, face to face, and it had to be said.  “You look really good,” Chris said.  “Extremely good.  Really very extremely good.”

        “Then why aren’t you kissing me?” Howie asked.

        Good question.  Chris leaned in, but suddenly Howie’s hand was still and Howie’s gaze was on something behind him.  Puzzled, Chris looked over his shoulder.

        JC was pressed against the doorjamb, watching them.

        “Hi,” Chris said.

        “Hmm,” JC said.

        “Did you want something?” Chris asked.

        “No,” JC said.

        “Are you okay?” Chris asked.

        “Mm-hmm.”  JC was still watching.

        “What do you want?” Chris asked.

        JC shifted slightly.  “To see.”

        “Oh.”  Chris glanced at Howie, then back.  “I don’t, uh…  Howie’s all cool with the PDA, but I’m not all that comfortable with being watched.”

        “He wants to watch us kiss?” Howie asked Chris.

        “I think so,” Chris said.  “It’s not a perverted thing.  I don’t think he’d get off on it.  He just wants to…”  Chris thought about it.  “He wants to watch me reap the rewards of an obsession well done?”

        “I don’t mind,” Howie said, running his fingertips down Chris’s back.

        “I’m getting performance anxiety,” Chris said.

        “We’ve kissed before,” Howie said.

        “Thank God for that,” Chris said.  Howie kissed him softly, and his eyes closed.  His fingers curled in Howie’s ponytail; his mouth opened, welcoming Howie’s tongue with a moan.  Howie coaxed him closer, and he slicked his tongue against Howie’s while Howie’s hand slid down over his ass.

        It was easy to get lost in Howie, in the heat and seduction, and Chris found himself kissing Howie as deeply as he could, pulling down Howie’s hair, grabbing Howie’s ass.  He could feel Howie’s arousal against his thigh, and he pressed against it to make Howie groan into their kiss.  His hands were rubbing Howie’s hips, raising Howie’s shirt, seeking flesh.

        “Chris. Chris.”  Howie was trying to pull away from him.

        “No,” Chris said, tugging Howie back into place.

        “I have to go downstairs,” Howie said.  “If I don’t go now…”

        Chris’s first instinct was to make Howie stay, to keep Howie there.  Then he began to remember that he was in Brian’s hallway, with JC’s eyes on him.

        Howie’s kiss was sweet.  Chris felt warm and a little weak-kneed.  “Good night,” Howie whispered.

        “I am a puddle on the floor,” Chris said, mustering the strength to look into Howie’s eyes.  Oh, such a puddle…

        “I love you,” Howie said.

        Brian’s hallway or not, if JC hadn’t been right there, Chris would have been on his knees, giving Howie the best blowjob he could manage.  As it was, he felt a little woozy.  “Oh, yeah, I love you.”

        Howie smiled.  “Good night.”  He looked past Chris.  “Good night, JC.”  Howie displaced Chris’s hands, and went downstairs.

        Chris leaned to the side, letting the wall hold him up.

        “You want him,” JC said.

        Chris wanted to roll his eyes.  “What gave it away?”  He looked over; JC was smiling.  Chris did roll his eyes, then, and shifted his legs.  “Besides that.”

        “Making the grass grow,” Nick said.  “Yep, there it goes.”

        “Stop it,” Brian said.  “Drew makes the grass grow, too.  I might have been talking about him.”

        “A lot of what you said applies to both of us, and a lot of it you’ve thought about both of us.  But you were talking about me.”  Nick came away from the window with a grin.  “You’re embarrassed.”

        “I’m never embarrassed to love you,” Brian said.

        “You’re embarrassed,” Nick said.

        “Maybe a little,” Brian said.  “I didn’t intend to say those things in front of you.”

        “Can I tell Drew?”

        “Could I stop you?”  Brian got into bed in his underwear.

        “I’m very pissed at you,” Nick said.

        “I know,” Brian said.

        “You don’t know.”

        “I know,” Brian said.

        “Okay, so what am I pissed at you for?” Nick asked, taking off his clothes.  “Why the hell did we take the lock off our bedroom door?”

        “So JC can’t lock himself in here,” Brian said.

        “I guess it doesn’t matter,” Nick said.  “Howie’s seen it all before, Chris would rather blind himself, and JC’s just JC.”  Naked, he sat facing Brian, his back to the foot of the bed.  “Why am I pissed at you?” he prompted.

        “Because I felt that way about you after I broke up with you, when I had no right.”

        “You can’t dump me, destroy my world, make me feel like shit, and then pine after me like JC after Justin.  JC was talking about how he felt before he ever had Justin.  You were talking about how you felt after you’d had me and dropped me, and that’s bullshit.  You are full of shit.  I know you weren’t lying tonight, I know you meant every word you said to JC, and that makes no sense whatsofuckingever.  What the hell is wrong with you?”

        “I never told you, because I knew it would confuse you.”

        “You’re damn right.”

        “I think it was even worse for me than it was for JC, in its own way.  I’d already been with you.  I knew what a miracle it was to touch you.”

        “You touched me when I was asleep, didn’t you?”  Nick’s gaze drilled into him, locked onto secrets inside.  “Didn’t you?”

        “Yes,” Brian admitted.  “Sometimes.”

        “Where?”

        “Wherever I dared.”  Brian tried to stay calm.  “Your hair.  Your face.  I kissed you once, when you were asleep and nobody was looking.  I was ashamed of myself, for violating you, but I did it.  Sometimes…”

        “Sometimes what?” Nick asked.

        “You sleep anywhere you can, we all do, but…it gave me an opportunity to look at you, without you catching me.  I could watch you as long as I wanted, as long as you didn’t wake up.”

        “That was a big thrill for you?”

        “It was all I had anymore.”

        “All you had?” Nick demanded.  “What about my fucking friendship?”

        “Our friendship wasn’t the same, you know that.  You hated me.  You couldn’t trust me.”

        “Yeah, but what did you expect?”

        “Honestly?” Brian asked.  “I expected for you to be as hurt and confused and angry and betrayed as you were.”

        “You knew?” Nick asked.  “You knew before you did it what it was going to do, and you did it anyway, for whatever insane reasons made sense at the time?”

        “We can’t get into this,” Brian said.  “I can’t do this now, you know I can’t.”

        “You started it!”

        “I need, Drew has to be here.  For both of us.  I can’t do this.”

        “You make me crazy,” Nick said, crawling up the bed, sitting beside him and pulling him close.  “I love you but you’re so stupid.”

        “I love you,” Brian whispered, arms around Nick.

        “Yeah, I know.”  Nick patted his back.  “I know.”

        “I don’t want to be separated tomorrow.”

        “You’ll be fine.  You can play with Justin.”

        “I wish Drew were here.”

        “I know.”  Nick kissed Brian’s cheek.  The phone rang.  “Hold on.”  Nick slipped from Brian’s embrace and reached for the phone.  “House of Lube, Nick speaking.”

        “Nick?”

        “Didn’t I just say that?”

        “Are you home, or did I dial the wrong number?”

        “No, I’m home.  I was going to call you and tell you I made it.  Brian, I didn’t call Drew.”

        “Let me talk to him,” Brian said, reaching for the phone.

        “Wait your turn,” Nick said.  “How are you?” he asked Drew.

        “I’m okay.  How are you?  How’s the Timberlake Chasez intervention?”

        “We’re getting somewhere with JC.  I think.  It’s hard to tell, because he’s pretty convinced if he’s not smothering Justin he’s not showing how much he loves Justin, and it’s a proven fact that if JC isn’t showing Justin his love every single second of every day, Justin feels neglected and goes off the deep end.  Brian and I are switching places, we think.  He’ll go to Justin and I’ll be with JC.  They’re not working on the Fools, anyway, because they’re unprofessional.”

        “You’re switching places, you think?” Drew asked.

        “What?  Oh.  Yeah, we have to get JC to agree to it, and he’s being paranoid.  We’ll see in the morning.”

        “What else is going on?”

        “What else…  Lance is around, did I tell you that?  He’s back here, probably to see if he can ride JC’s dick while Justin’s out of town.”

        “Of all people, Lance knows how close they are.  And how devastated Justin would be.”

        “Maybe he wants to devastate Justin.  I don’t know.  Hold on for a second.  What?” he asked Brian.

        “What?” Brian asked.

        “You’re staring at me.  Stop staring at me.”

        “I’m not staring.”

        “I know you want to do me, I know you want to talk to Drew, you can do all of that in five minutes, just hold on.”  Nick put the phone back to his ear.  “Hi.”

        “Maybe that’s what this is about,” Drew said.

        “What?” Nick asked.  “What’s what what is about?”

        “You said that maybe Lance wants to devastate Justin.”

        “Yeah.  What are you thinking?”

        “I don’t know.  Lance is Justin’s best friend. It doesn’t make sense that he’d do something he’d know would hurt Justin.”

        “Unless he wants to hurt Justin.”

        “Right.”

        “Right.”  Nick thought about it.

        “Why would Lance want to hurt Justin?”

        “Have you ever met Justin?” Nick asked.

        “I’m serious.”

        “So am I,” Nick said.  “He’s this perfect golden boy.  I want to hit him.”

        “Do you think Lance is jealous?”

        “Not professionally,” Nick said.  “Lance doesn’t want Justin’s spot out front onstage every night.”

        “Not professionally, but personally?  Justin’s perfect golden boy lifestyle is about more than his career.  It’s also about having an enviable love life.”

        “Lance is jealous that Justin has JC?”

        “Maybe,” Drew said.

        “Lance doesn’t have AJ anymore,” Nick pointed out.  “He’s all alone, and there’s Justin, getting screwed by a pro every hour on the hour.”

        “JC and Justin are very affectionate,” Drew said.

        “Which would drive me nuts if I’d just had my heart spat on by someone who used to be on me like that.”

        “Justin has what Lance doesn’t have anymore?” Drew guessed.

        “You want to hear the crazy part?”

        “What?” Drew asked.

        “I think Lance fucked Joey.”

        “What?” Drew asked, shocked.

        “What?” Brian asked, snapping out of his daze.

        “They’re really weird around each other.  I asked Joey if they’d done it, and he got really flustered.  He told me to mind my own business.  If they hadn’t done it, he would’ve said something else, either laughed or got pissed, something, not told me to mind my own business.”

        “Joey and Lance?” Drew asked.

        “Joey’s straight,” Brian said.

        “Nick, Joey’s straight,” Drew said.

        “I love it when you guys are in stereo,” Nick said.  “I know Joey’s straight, I’m not saying he makes it a habit to screw guys.  I’m just saying I really think he did Lance.”

        “Why would he do that?” Drew asked.

        “Hell if I know.  Lance is messing with everybody lately.”

        “But why would Joey…  It’s not like they were working on choreography and it just fell in,” Drew said.  “Something had to have happened, for Joey even to consider being with another man.”

        “I bet he’d talk to Brian about it,” Nick said, grinning at Brian.

        “Whether they did it or not, it is none of our business,” Brian said.

        “Our love life sex life is none of Lance’s business, either, but he tried to get all up in it,” Nick said.  “Fair’s fair.  Hey!  You!  I forgot to kick your ass.”

        “Who are you talking to?” Drew asked.

        “You, Andrew.”

        “What?  Me?” Drew asked.

        “Yes, you.  You knew all about those flowers AJ’s sending Kevin, you were in on it and you never told me.  I’m so kicking your ass for that.”

        “What flowers?” Drew asked.

        “Drew, I know.  I know AJ’s sending Kevin flowers, I know he asked you and Nick about them.”

        “I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone.  It was private.  AJ asked us to stay quiet.”

        “You could have told me!”

        “I was respecting AJ’s privacy.”

        “You should have told me.  You’re a horrible fiance.”

        “What would you have done if I’d told you?”

        “Probably spilled it.  I did, anyway, accidentally.  I figured it out and I kind of said something in front of Kevin.  He doesn’t want them to be from AJ.”

        “He doesn’t?”

        “No, he’s weird.  I’m used to it.  But you still should have told me.”

        “No, I shouldn’t have.”

        “AJ’s my best friend!”

        “If he wanted you to know, he would have told you himself.”

        “Brian’s a much better fiance than you are.  He tells me everything.”

        “I’m a good fiance,” Drew said.

        “I guess you’re not bad.  You have an incredible body, that makes up for a lot of it.”

        “Makes up for a lot of what?” Drew asked.

        “You could thank me for complimenting your body.”

        “Thank you for complimenting my body while suggesting that I have a long list of shortcomings.”

        “You’re welcome.”

        Drew sighed.

        “Brian’s staring at me like I’m keeping his teddy bear hostage or something.  I’m going to give him the phone so he’ll stop.”

        “Okay.”

        “I love you.”

        “I love you,” Drew said.

        “Here.”  Nick handed the phone to Brian, then lay down on his back, stretching out languidly.

        “Hi,” Brian said.

        “Hi,” Drew said.

        Brian’s gaze scanned the bedclothes.

        Drew didn’t say anything.

        “I miss you,” Brian said.

        “I miss you, too,” Drew said.

        Brian hesitated.

        Drew was quiet.

        “I’m sorry,” Brian said.

        “For what?” Drew asked.

        “The way I talked to you earlier.”

        “It’s okay.  I can take it.  I was pushing, and you didn’t want to be pushed.”

        “I’m so confused and everything feels wrong.”

        “Can I help?”

        “I’ve destroyed everyone I love.”

        “No, you haven’t.  What are you talking about?”

        “I know I’m not perfect.  I know I make mistakes. That’s why I try so hard to do what’s right.  I’ve worked so hard at doing what’s right, I’ve ruined everything.”

        “You try too hard,” Drew said.  “You expect too much of yourself.”

        “I want to give you and Nick all of the happiness I can.  I want to make sure you’re happy and taken care of and-”

        “And running yourself ragged is going to do that?” Drew asked, his voice kind, not accusing.

        “I want only good things for you,” Brian said.

        “We know you do,” Drew said.

        “How can I stop wanting only good things for you?  How can I stop trying to step in and help?”

        “You don’t have to quit cold turkey,” Drew said.  “Start by slowing down some, especially when we ask you to.  We can work these things out together.”

        Brian took a deep breath.

        “Okay?” Drew asked.

        “Okay,” Brian said, letting it out.  “I wish you were here.”

        “So do I,” Drew said.  “Soon.  Really soon.”

        “I know.  How are you?  Are you all right?”

        “Yeah.  I’m okay.”

        “What’s wrong?” Brian asked.

        “Nick’s really upset, something happened to Jeff, I’ve been worried about you…  I don’t know, either I’m really self-centered or I have really bad timing, because in the middle of everything, I spent today so horny, missing you and Nick so much, that I was out of it all afternoon.”

        “If I were there…”

        “I know.”

        Brian ran his eyes over Nick in slow appreciation.  “Drew.”

        “Hmm?”

        “Nick’s asleep.”

        “Lazy.”

        “And naked.”

        A pause.  “Totally?”

        “Totally.”

        “Under the covers?”

        “On top.”

        “Oh, don’t do this to me.”

        Brian smiled.  “His left arm’s down at his side.  His face is turned to the side, and his lips are parted, and his right hand’s up near his mouth.”

        “Oh…”

        “His hips are tilted a little, and his right knee’s bent, like he was about to turn onto his side and decided against it.  God, he’s long.”

        Drew laughed.

        “No, really, I can’t believe he’s only six two, he’s so gangly.  You should see all of this.  He has legs for days.”

        “I love it,” Drew said.

        “Uh-oh, we have movement.”

        “What’s he doing?”

        “Scratching his balls and rolling onto his side.”

        “Mmm…”

        “You want me to wake him up?” Brian offered.

        “Nick lets you have him whenever you want him, doesn’t he?”

        “Within reason.”

        “If you woke him up and asked him right now?”

        “He’d say yes.”

        “How often does he offer?”

        “Every time he looks at me.”

        “Oh…”

        “What do you want?”

        “Besides you on your knees in front of me?”

        Brian bit back a moan, rubbing himself through his underwear.

        “Wake him up and ask him if you can fuck him with your tongue.”

        Brian did moan, then, his dick hardening fast under his hand.  He tried to pull himself together, gave up, and crawled over Nick, kissing the side of Nick’s face, balancing himself on one hand, grinding his erection against Nick’s hip.

        Nick wakened, rolling onto his back, finding Brian’s mouth in a wet kiss.

        “Ask him,” Drew coached.  “Nick, may I.”

        “Nick, may I,” Brian said, rocking slowly against Nick’s thigh, Nick’s hand on his ass, kissing Nick deep and hot.

        “May you?” Nick asked.

        “Fuck you,” Drew said in Brian’s ear.

        Brian shuddered.  “Fuck you.”

        “What is he saying to you?” Nick asked.

        “With my tongue,” Drew said.  “Please.”

        “Oh, god,” Brian said.

        “May you fuck me?” Nick asked.

        “With my tongue,” Brian whispered.

        “With your - - holy shit, is that my Drew?”

        Brian kissed Nick hard, wanting him, and broke off suddenly, breathing against Nick’s mouth, lashes lowered.  “Please.”

        “Manners, it has to be Drew,” Nick said.  “You want me to roll over?”

        “No,” Drew said.

        “No,” Brian whispered.

        “Okay.  You want to get off first?  You seem kind of…”

        “No,” Drew said.

        “No,” Brian said, suffering for it.

        “Oh, come on, now he’s being mean,” Nick said.  “You give me the phone.”

        “Not until he’s in position,” Drew said.  “On his back, pillows under his hips, open for you.”

        Brian moaned, grasping with shaking fingers for a pillow.

        Nick pushed Brian back a little, taking care of it for him.

        “You can use your fingers later,” Drew said.  “Don’t take your own pleasure on his body until after he’s come.”

        “I won’t,” Brian said.

        “You can’t make him come.  That’s up to him.”

        Brian was too hard for this.  “I won’t.”

        Nick’s hips were raised, his arms over his head, one foot tapping.

        “Is he ready?” Drew asked.

        “Yes,” Brian said, mouth watering at the sight laid out before him.

        “Do it,” Drew said.

        Brian lowered himself.

        Nick shifted.

        Brian closed his eyes, licking politely.

        “Mmm…”  Nick closed his eyes.

        Longer, bolder strokes of Brian’s tongue.

        Nick’s hand slid in slow increments down his chest, over his stomach, onto his stirring cock.

        “I can’t hear him,” Drew said.  “You can’t give him the phone until I can hear him.”

        Brian licked slowly, deliberately, fluttering the tip of his tongue right there.

        Nick moaned, palming his balls.

        Brian rested his weight on one elbow, his hand on Nick’s thigh, licking roughly with the flat of his tongue, pushing.

        “Oh, yeah, yes, yes,” Nick said, and groaned as Brian’s tongue went in.  “Oh, god, Brian, yes…”

        Brian reached up blindly, setting the phone on Nick’s pelvic bone before settling in.

        Nick pumped his dick with one hand, his other hand bringing the phone to his ear, propping it on the pillow.  “You filthy sick pervert.”  He groaned, tortured by Brian’s tongue.  “You can’t - - oh god, oh yes - - tell Brian - - ah, ah, oh - - what to do.  Fuck me, fuck me, harder, please, oh god, Brian, please…”

        “Do you wish he were in you?” Drew asked.

        “God, yes, fuck, yes, I want him in me, I want his big hard dick in me, deep in my ass, slamming into me, fucking me, fucking me, nobody fucks like Brian.”  Nick moaned, fisting his dick.  “I’m so fucking close, Drew, I want to be fucking you right now, I want to feel your tight ass on me, I want to push it in you and come inside you.”

        “Brian wants to fuck you,” Drew said.

        Nick groaned, long and hot, coming in his hand while Brian’s tongue fucked him wet.

        Quiet, stifled sounds of stuttering pleasure in Nick’s ear.

        Nick moaned.

        Brian sat up, licking his lips, while his forefinger slid in.

        “Oh, hell, yes, yes,” Nick said, hips rising.  “God, Drew, I came, you came, can Brian fuck me already?  My ass is begging for it, I swear, I need it, if I don’t get it I’m going to kill one of you.  Oh, god, god, god…”  Nick pushed himself farther onto Brian’s finger, sinking down onto the third knuckle.  “God, Brian, don’t, I can’t, oh god…”  Nick groaned as Brian’s knowing touch exploited him for Drew.  “Don’t do this to me, I can’t, please, fuck me, you have to fuck me, I need your dick, your big, hard dick, oh, ah, ah, ah…”

        “How many fingers?” Drew asked.

        “Just one, just one, I need more, I have to get more, tell him to fuck me, he won’t do it for me, tell him, god, Drew, please, fuck me.”

        “Brian wants to fuck you,” Drew said again.

        “Then let him, please, I want it.”

        “I want to fuck you,” Drew said.

        “Oh, god, Drew, I know you do, I know, you can, as soon as you get here you can, you can fuck me as hard as you want, but you’re not here and I want it, my body wants it, I’m begging for it, please, let him fuck me for you.”

        “I want to fuck him.”

        “I know, I know, I’ve been leaving it alone because he’s yours, but I am dying to drag him onto my dick.”  Nick cursed a blue streak, twisting suddenly, as Brian added a second finger.  “Oh, god, he liked that, he wants it, he knows we want to fuck him, he wants it, too, oh god, oh god, please, please, yes, yes, yes, yes…”

        “I want him in you now.”

        Nick’s blood rushed hot at the sound of Drew’s lust.  “Drew wants it, please,  Brian, oh god, yes, oh god, yes, sweet motherfucker…”  Nick groaned with lush satisfaction, and Brian moaned with overwhelming pleasure, and they were joined.

        Nick had wanted it so badly, had been so worked up for it, that now that it was here, now that Brian was thrusting into him, he couldn’t take it.  He rocked up against Brian, forcing Brian to take him faster, crying out with the abandon of passion.  When Brian’s hand grasped his erection, his cry mounted to a scream as Brian milked him to completion.  He collapsed, moaning, as Brian owned his body.

        When Brian had come in him, and dropped onto him, a welcome weight, and Nick felt like paying attention to the world again, he heard a soft panting in his ear.  He reached for the phone.  “Drew?”

        Choked, breathy moans.

        “How many fingers?” Nick asked softly.

        “T-two,” Drew said.

        “Work them in deep.  As deep as you want my dick.”

        Brian tugged himself free of Nick’s body, stretching, kissing Nick’s mouth, rubbing Nick’s thigh.

        “I love listening to these sounds he makes.  Here.”  Nick pulled Brian closer, until their heads were together.  “Oh, he must have hit a good spot.”

        “Shut up,” Drew said breathlessly, and moaned a little.

        “Mmm,” Brian said, adjusting his body to Nick’s.

        “So fucking close, come on,” Nick urged.  “God, listen to him, he’s almost there, I can almost taste it.”

        “Oh,” Drew said.  “Oh…”

        “God, you sound so damned good,” Nick said.

        “Ah…”

        “I could really get off on this,” Nick said.  “Come on, Drew, a little more, I know you’re right there, stop teasing me.”

        “Oh, oh, oh…”  A frantic gasp.  Ragged breathing.

        “That was good for me,” Nick said.  “Drew, you are so fucking hot, you have to let me watch you do that.”

        Drew yawned in his ear.

        “Okay, I know, go to sleep.  Tell Brian you love him.”

        “Mmm, I love you,” Drew murmured.

        “I love you,” Brian said.

        “Tell me you love me,” Nick said, pulling the covers up over them from the foot of the bed.

        “Love you,” Drew said sleepily.

        “I love you, too, angel.  Good night.”  Nick hung up.

        Brian’s eyes were closing.

        Nick kissed Brian.

        Brian kissed back.

        “If you weren’t so tired, you’d be in me again, wouldn’t you?”

        “Oh, yeah,” Brian said.

        Nick laughed.  “I knew it.  Go to sleep.”

        “I can wake up and-”

        “I think you’ve had enough for one day.”

        “I could just-”

        “Go to sleep.”

        Brian sighed, tucked in beside him.

        Nick closed his eyes, resting his cheek against Brian’s.

        “I love you,” Brian said, half asleep.

        “I love you, too,” Nick said.

        “I don’t know,” Justin said.  “He hasn’t come to me.  He hasn’t come to get me.  He should have been here by now.”

        “You want him to ride up on a white steed to rescue you?” Joey asked.

        “A Harley would be okay,” Justin said.

        “Is he bursting through the front door, or climbing up to your window?”

        Justin gave Joey a dark look.

        “Just checking,” Joey said.  “I’d like to know what to plan for.”

        “Forget it,” Justin said.

        “No, Justin,” Joey said, tugging him back as he turned to lay down.  “You’re mad at JC for not coming to rescue you?”

        “Yes,” Justin said.

        “Why?  You’re not rescuing him.  You’re stuck here with me.  He’s stuck there with them.  It’s no different.”

        “I could get out if I wanted to.”

        “Then why are you still here?”

        “Because he should have come for me!” Justin shouted, pushing Joey away.  “I gave him every chance, I’ve waited, and he’s not even trying!  He’s leaving me here to rot!  Fine, if he’s not coming for me, why the hell should I go to him!”

        “You’re staying here to punish him?”

        Justin’s eyes flashed fire.  “Yes.”

        “Justin, he’s suffering without you.”

        “Then he should have come for me.”

        “Why is it up to him?  Why can’t you go rescue him?”

        “It’s not my place to go to him.  He should come to me.”

        “Then what was that all about earlier, with the knife?”

        “I wanted to get out.”

        “Why?”

        “To go to him!”

        “So you were going to try.”

        “Yes.”

        “I thought it wasn’t your place to do that.”

        “It isn’t!  But I miss him!  I have to be with him.  I want to go to him.  What if he isn’t coming to me because he can’t come to me?”

        “Then that would be okay?  If he wants to, but he can’t, then that’s okay?”

        “No.”

        “No?  Justin, if he can’t get to you, he can’t get to you.  What do you want him to do?”

        “He told me that he would do anything for me.  He told me that he would always make me happy.”

        “You’re holding him to that?” Joey asked, astonished.  “Justin, that’s a very nice thing for him to say, and it’s very sweet of him to want to do it, but hell, he can’t actually deliver on a promise like that.”

        “He promised,” Justin said firmly.  “He promised me.”

        “Justin.”  Joey put his hand on Justin’s knee.  “It’s unreasonable of you to expect JC to make you happy every hour of every day.”

        “He promised.”

        “Guys promise things!  He’s in love with you.  He’d promise to fetch you the moon.  You’re supposed to say, oh, how sweet, and forget about it.  You can’t demand that he actually do it.”

        “He swore to me that he’d never let anything separate us, that he’d never leave me, that he’d always be with me.  He’s not here!”

        “Do you expect everyone to keep every promise to the letter, or just JC?”

        “JC.”

        “Why?”

        Justin took a second.  “Why?”

        “Why,” Joey repeated.  It looked like he had Justin stumped.

        “Because he’s JC,” Justin finally said.

        “That’s not an answer,” Joey said.

        “He’s JC,” Justin said again.  “He’s, he…  He loves me.”

        “I love you, and I promised you I’d get you a candy-apple red Lamborghini for your twenty-first birthday, and I didn’t.”

        “Joey, I knew you wouldn’t.”

        “But I love you.  Why don’t you hold me to my promises?”

        “You’re my friend.  JC’s my husband.”

        “You’re his husband,” Joey said, following logic.  “What about your promises to him?”

        Justin frowned.  “That’s different.”

        “Why would it be different?  You’re his husband, you love him, what’s different?”

        “He’s JC.”

        “So?  I’m missing something here, Justin, you have to spell it out for me.”

        “It’s spelled J-C,” Justin said.  “Capital J, capital C.  He’s JC.  That’s all there is to it.  I’m his baby.  He loves me.  He takes care of me.”

        “It’s his job?  He owes it to you?” Joey asked.

        “No,” Justin said.  “Yes.”

        “No, yes?”

        “Yes,” Justin said.

        “Because he’s JC?”

        Justin lifted his chin.  “Because I’m Justin.”

        Joey couldn’t get him to say another word after that.

        “Tell me,” JC said.

        “Tell you what?” Chris asked, looking over to the other side of the bed.  “You’re supposed to be asleep.”

        “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

        “I’m thinking I want to be crawling into Howie’s bed.”

        “He gives off sexual heat,” JC said.

        “What?”

        “When he wants to,” JC said.  “When he wants you.”

        “Sexual heat?” Chris asked, rolling onto his side.

        “When I make love to Justin, he’s focused on his pleasure first.  His attention is caught on the feelings moving through his body.  Where is Howie’s focus?”

        “On me,” Chris said.

        “Say more.”

        “About what?” Chris asked.  “I don’t know what else to say.  Howie’s a flirt and a tease, he likes to turn me on.  But when he delivers, he really delivers.  He makes sure I’m feeling good, he wants me to come first, he wants to give me pleasure.”

        “What about you?”

        “Me?  I don’t know, I try to focus on him.  I want to make him feel good.  I want to get him off.  That’s why I’m there.”

        “Do you know what he likes?”

        “Yeah,” Chris said.  He frowned.  “Damn.  I hope so.”

        “What?” JC asked, shifting closer, seeing Chris’s frown in the moonlight.

        “If I asked you what Justin likes, you’d start listing things very specific to Justin.”

        “Yes,” JC said.

        “I bet if I asked the people down the hall about Drew and each other, they’d do it, too.”

        “Yes,” JC said.

        “What if I don’t know what Howie likes?  That’s horrible.  I’m a horrible person.  I should know what he likes.”

        “Don’t you?”

        “I don’t know, I don’t think I do,” Chris said.  “I’m panicking.  How could I be this bad?  I must be the worst lover he’s ever had.”

        “Think about it,” JC said.  “Maybe you know without having a conscious list.”

        “I know he knows what I like, that’s the worst part, I know he’s put thought into it.  Okay, okay, what Howie likes.”

        JC waited, watching Chris’s eyes.

        “Kissing, he loves kissing, he’ll kiss for days.  He likes being on top, even when he’s, never mind.  I think he likes it when I have my hands all in his hair, which is extremely patient of him.  That was something he probably developed out of self-preservation.  What else?”

        “How do you know he likes those things?”

        “He does them.  He initiates them.  Or if I initiate them, he’ll react well.  What else does he like?  He likes me.  I wonder if he likes giving head.  That’s a crazy thought.”

        “Why?” JC asked.

        “He’s Howie, he wouldn’t want my dick in his mouth.  But he does it.  I’ll have to think about that.  He likes kissing and licking and nibbling on romantic spots, like necks and ears.  I hope he likes it when I do it to him, because it’s so, with the hair, yeah, nice.  I think I need your advice.”

        “On what?” JC asked.

        Chris was plucking at the pillowcase.  “Whatever Justin wants, he gets.”

        “Yes,” JC said without hesitation.

        “No matter what it is.”

        “No matter what.”

        “Especially sexually.”

        “Yes.”

        “I don’t know why I’m talking to you, you’re not going to understand this, but pretend for a second.  If you can grasp the concept.  What if Justin wanted you to do something you weren’t sure you were one hundred percent comfortable doing?”

        Silence.

        Chris looked closely at JC; JC’s gaze was lowered.  Chris began to have the nasty feeling that JC could grasp that concept pretty easily after all.  “JC?”

        JC licked his lips, gaze still down.  “There have been two things that Justin has asked me to do, that I will not do again.  I did them, they happened, I gave him what he wanted.  He wanted more.  I can’t…  I can’t do things that feel dangerous.”

        “Dangerous?” Chris asked.  Justin hadn’t seemed like a whips-and-chains kind of guy.  Dangerous like that asphyxiation stuff?

        “Not physically dangerous,” JC said, quick to explain, meeting Chris’s eyes.  “I would never hurt Justin, and he knows that.  I would never do anything that seemed physically unsafe or would put him in any danger.  And Justin would never get any sexual pleasure out of doing even the slightest damage to me.”

        “Besides the scratches.”

        JC smiled.

        Chris laughed.

        “To answer your question…  If Justin asks me for something, I will give it to him.  I will do whatever I have to, to give him what he wants.  The first time.  Maybe even a second time, if I know that it’s important to him.  But there have been things, two things, that I’ve had to tell him no, I won’t.”

        “How did he take it?” Chris asked.

        “He pushed,” JC said.  “They were things that he wanted very badly.  He begged me.”

        “Justin begged?” Chris asked.  “And you said no?”

        “It hurt,” JC said.  “It hurts me to say no to him.”

        ‘I know it does,” Chris said.  “That’s why I’m in shock.  Can I ask why you said no?”

        “They brought out something in me that I didn’t welcome,” JC said.

        Chris thought about that, scrutinizing JC.

        “What is Howie asking you for?” JC asked.

        “Oh,” Chris said.  “Something.  Something I know you’ve done to Justin a hundred times, so you’re going to think I’m a coward freak for not having done it already, especially since Howie asked me.”

        “If you want to talk about it, you can,” JC said.  “If I’ve done it, maybe I could help.”

        “Does everybody do it, and I’m weird?” Chris asked.  “Do all gay men do this?”

        “What is it?” JC asked.

        “The thing.  The tongue thing.  The rimming thing.”

        “You don’t do that?” JC asked.

        “I know, you probably do it every day,” Chris said.  “I’m a coward and a sexual freak.  I’m a prude.  Mock me.  I’m the only one not doing it.”

        “Nick does it,” JC said.

        “Color me shocked,” Chris said.  “It’s not even, it’s not for the obvious reason.  I’m not worried about that.  I would love to put my tongue there.  Trust me, I want to.”

        “What’s stopping you?” JC asked.

        “I’m worried I’ll do it wrong.”

        “You can’t do it wrong.”

        “He might not like it.  I could screw it up and he’ll get bored and I’ll be humiliated.”

        “Does Howie usually get bored when you make love?”

        “No, but there’s always the possibility.”

        “He’s not going to break up with you.”

        “If I can’t please him-”

        “This is one aspect of sex.  He’s seemed happy so far.”

        “I should be able to give him whatever he wants.”

        “Then do it.”

        “What if he wants to do it to me?”

        “It’ll feel incredible.”

        “I don’t want him to have to - - let me remind you, we are talking about Howie.  The man that I love.  I adore his mouth.  I adore his tongue.  He kisses ridiculously well.  I do not want him putting his mouth on my hairy old ass.”

        “If he wants to do it, let him.  You cannot put your own potential for embarrasment above his desires.  Whatever Howie wants, Howie gets.”

        “I knew you’d say that.”

        “You know it’s true.”

        “I know it’s true,” Chris agreed.  “Does Justin like it?”

        “Justin loves it.”

        “Do you like it?”

        “Yes.”

        “I’m not squeamish.  I’m not a prude.  I’m just insecure.  There’s nothing wrong with that.”

        “Howie gets what Howie wants,” JC said.

        “I want to do it,” Chris said.  “I keep imagining the noises he might make.  Howie makes excellent noises.  Very good in the moaning department.”

        “I love the sounds Justin makes,” JC said.

        “Oh, Justin makes sounds when he’s in heat?” Chris asked.  “I had no idea.  You’d think I would have heard him at least once in all this time we’ve been touring together.  He’s such a quiet little lovemaker…”

        Nick, his elbows on his knees, rubbed his palms together, keeping his head down.

        Jeff ran his fingers over Nick’s hair.  “If you tell me what’s wrong, I’ll put my energy into fixing it, and that might get me to leave you alone for at least five minutes.”

        “You can’t fix it,” Nick said.  He reached up to push Jeff’s hand from his hair.  Jeff tangled their fingers, bringing their palms together.

        “Look at me,” Jeff said.  He knelt before Nick, kissing Nick’s mouth.  “Talk to me.”  He brought their joined hands to his chest.  “Nick.”

        “There was never a moment I didn’t love you the most,” Nick said.

        Jeff looked into his eyes, searching for his meaning.

        Nick swallowed.  “But there were times I didn’t love only you.”

        “Drew,” Jeff said, but he knew Nick meant more.

        “Brian,” Nick said.

        Jeff took in slow, careful breaths.

        “Jeff,” Nick said, with regret.

        Jeff dropped Nick’s hand, rising, stepping back.  “We all love each other,” Jeff said.  “We’ve all loved each other.  The five of us.  Is this about that, or is this about you and Brian?”

        Nick looked away.

        “No!” Jeff shouted.  “No, if you’re going to admit this to me, if you’re going to do this, you’re going to say it to my face!”

        “I don’t know!” Nick said.  “I don’t know.”  He squeezed his eyes shut, thumbs rubbing circles over his temples.  “I don’t know.”

        Jeff laughed without humor.  “You’re bringing this to me, giving this to me, and you don’t even know?!  What am I supposed to do, Nick?  What do you want me to do, help you figure it out?!”

        “Yes!” Nick said.  Then he shook his head, “No.”  Then, again, “I don’t know.”

        “What do you think I am?” Jeff demanded.  “I have been understanding, I have understood everything, everything.  I haven’t done it for kicks and I haven’t done it for praise, I’ve done it because that’s part of loving you.  But this, I am not going to be understanding this time.”

        “What about you?” Nick asked, standing.  “What about you and Nick?”

        “Don’t you dare!” Jeff shouted.  “You can’t make yourself feel better by doing that!  I love Nick, he is much more than a friend to me, but he and I have never crossed the line.  We have never had any romantic connection outside, on our own.  You know that.  Don’t you dare accuse me.”

        “The way you flirt?  The way he touches you?”

        “He flirts with you!  He touches you!  He’s Nick, that’s how he shows his affection, you know that.  His heart is on his sleeve, in his eyes, in his words, in his body language, all over his face.  If he loved me any deeper than he should, it would be out there, we’d all know it.  And if I loved him any deeper than I should…  Nick, if I had felt it coming, if I had sensed any kind of inclination on my part, I would have done something about it.  I would have pulled away from him, I would have limited my contact with him, I would have changed my behavior.  But I haven’t, because there’s nothing deeper there.  Nick and I are more than friends, but we are not lovers.”

        Nick walked around the bed, then back.

        Jeff’s chest heaved with breath.  “Don’t you ever accuse me of being unfaithful to you.”

        Nick shook his head.  “I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.”

        “I can’t talk about this now,” Jeff said.  “Maybe tomorrow.  Not tonight.”

        Nick nodded, avoiding his eyes.

        Jeff sighed and turned away.

        Nick watched his back.

        Jeff turned again, running his hand across his forehead.  “Nick.  I’m sorry.  You’re trying to tell me something, you want my help, and I’m flying off the handle.  I’m sorry.  That’s not what you need right now.  I don’t want to handle this badly.  I’m just...  We’ve been through a lot, we’ve faced a lot of threats.  I’m not very happy with myself, I’ve been going through a series of bad moves and insecurities.  I just can’t believe that after everything, after everything…”  A pause for a steadying breath.  “We can talk tomorrow.  I’ll be reasonable tomorrow.  I just, this was a bit of a sucker-punch, and I need a minute to recover from it.”  He rubbed his eyes.  “Okay.  I’m going to try to pretend I’m going to get some sleep tonight.”  He went into the bathroom and closed the door.

        Nick sat on the foot of the bed, elbows on his knees, hands clasped and pressed to his mouth, eyes on the door.

        “What did Justin say?”

        “When?” Chris asked, remembering he had company.

        “When you were on the phone with him.  When Joey called.  What did he say?”

        “He said to tell you he loved you.”

        “What else did he say?  He was on the phone for longer than that.  What did he say?”

        “He said he missed you.  He said it’s been too long since you’ve touched him.”

        “He wants me to touch him,” JC whispered.  “What else?”

        “He said, ‘I hurt all over.’”

        “Justin,” JC said.  “Oh, baby.”

        “JC, do you remember, when I got off the phone, and you were talking about the way you felt before you had Justin, when you were in love with him but didn’t have him?”

        “Yes.”

        “You said, ‘I hurt all over.’”

        “I did?” JC asked.

        “Yes.”

        “I said what Justin said?”

        “Yeah, about two minutes after he said it.”

        “He feels what I feel.”

        “I guess so.”

        “He feels what I feel.  I say what he says.”  JC’s breath came faster.  “My baby’s connected to me.  Justin and I are still one.”

        “Yep.”

        “What else did he say?” JC demanded.

        “JC, I didn’t tape-record the entire conversation.  We only talked for thirty seconds.  That’s all he said.  That’s all I can remember.  He misses you, he loves you, he wants you to touch him, he hurts all over.”

        “Justin’s in pain and I’m not there to help him.”

        “He’s not in literal pain,” Chris said.

        “He is,” JC said.

        “He can take some Tylenol,” Chris said.

        “My baby needs me.”

        “He’s going to learn to deal with it,” Chris said.  “He hasn’t sent Joey to the hospital, so I’d say he’s doing pretty well.”

        “Why won’t you let me go to him and help him?” JC asked.

        “When someone’s going through withdrawal, it’s not a great idea to hand him the drug he’s addicted to,” Chris said.  “Not if you want him to get better.  We want him to get better.  You want him to need you.  Why do you want him to need you?  What do you get out of it?”

        “Ask Brian what he gets out of it,” JC said.  “Ask Howie.”

        “Howie didn’t make me addicted to him.  I built my own obsession.”

        “Ask Justin what he gets out of it,” JC said.

        “Yeah, we’re trying to work on him,” Chris said.  “I know that some of what we’re saying makes it sound like it’s all your fault, and that’s not true.  Justin’s done a lot of this himself.”

        “Justin loves me.”

        “JC, I know that Justin loves you.  It’s not whether he loves you, it’s how he loves you.  You show him that you love him, and he shows you that he loves you, but not always in the best ways.  Don’t you want to show him that you love him in good ways?”

        “I’ve done the best that I could.  He wants so much from me, he demands so much, I don’t know how else to do it.”

        “JC, listen to yourself,” Chris said.  “You sound panicked.  Panicked over what, that he’ll get upset?  So what if he gets upset?”

        “I love him, I have to treat him well, I have to make him happy.”

        “Why is it your job to make Justin happy?  That should be Justin’s job.  It’s not Howie’s job to keep me happy.  I’m in charge of my own emotional state.  What you do affects Justin, sure, of course it does, but it’s not up to you to amuse him.  JC.”  Chris sat up, trying to arrange ideas in his head.  “When a baby cries, the parent wants to go to it.  It’s an instinct, you hear a baby cry, you want to rush over and comfort it.  Find out what it wants, stop the crying, make it happy again.  Soothe the baby.  But sometimes, a baby just cries, and there’s nothing really wrong, it’s just fussing.  Sometimes, you have to let the baby fuss.  It’ll stop.  It’ll go to sleep, or it’ll give up and amuse itself.  But if the parent gives in every time, the baby never learns.  All the baby knows is, hey, if I get loud, somebody’s going to come and pay attention to me, and that’s kind of cool.  Your baby has you so well trained, you don’t even let him start fussing, you’re there before he even opens his mouth.”

        “It’s my job to make sure he’s taken care of.”

        “Justin is a grown man,” Chris said.  “Grown men take care of themselves.  Justin is too smart and too healthy to need someone running after him like that.”

        “He wants me to.”

        “Do you give a baby everything it wants?  No.”

        “Justin is not a baby.”

        “Then stop treating him like one!”

        “You don’t understand!” JC shouted.

        “Because you’re both full of bullshit!  You’re full of bullshit and he’s full of bullshit, and you’ve both convinced yourselves that you have to live in this needy, dependent relationship where you both push and pull on each other until you break down and kill each other.  I’m not waiting around for that.  I’m not sitting here, watching you break each other down until you get to that final place where you kill each other.  I’m not losing either one of you.  So get your act together, JC.”

        “I would never harm Justin.”

        “You wouldn’t harm Justin my left asscheek,” Chris said.  “You’d kill yourself, you’ll admit that, won’t you?  And he’d kill himself over you, that’s been clear for a long time now.  And I wouldn’t be all that shocked if you killed each other.  I think you’re both so out of your freaking minds, you’re capable of it.  Maybe not right now, but if things keep going the way they’re going, five years from now, I can see it.  That’s why we’re stopping this now, we’re putting an end to all of this bullshit.  Justin’s going to grow up, and you’re going to learn how to love him without hurting him.”

        “You don’t understand,” JC said, and rolled over, turning away.

        “I can’t believe I’m giving up a night with Howie to be here with you,” Chris said, and lay down beside him.  “I’m glad you’re making it worth my time.  You are such a good friend to me...  Let me know how I can repay you.  Please.”  Chris crossed his arms over his chest.  “Why couldn’t I have been in one of the other groups?  No, I had to be in the successful one.  We could have broken up long ago, and I could be rid of you people, off doing my own thing.  But no, not us.”

        JC rolled over, wrapping around him, forehead pressed to his temple.

        “Oh,” Chris said.  “Oh.”  He worked his arm free and awkwardly patted JC’s back.  “Okay.”

        “I didn’t want it to be like this,” JC whispered.

        “Oh,” Chris said.  “Well, no, I know that.”

        “I don’t want to be like this.”

        “Like what, exactly?”

        “Out of control.  Racing to keep up.  Feeling like everything’s slipping out of my hands.”  JC stopped, then began again.  “Things were so much better, Chris, we were so much better.  We were there, it was good, and then you took him from me.”

        “So our timing sucks.”

        “Yes.”

        “Great.  But if things were good, then you can work from there.  Stop regressing.”

        “My hands hurt from not touching him.”

        “Your hands will be fine.  I think you’ll be able to play the piano again.”

        “I love him.”

        “I know.”

        “Hold onto what you have with Howie as long as you can,” JC said.  “Don’t let him go.”

        “Hmm.”  Brian looped an arm around Nick’s neck.

        “Brian.  I’m going to go check on JC,” Nick said softly.  He kissed Brian’s forehead, then Brian’s lips, and untangled himself from Brian’s embrace.  Slipping from the bed, he pulled on his underwear and a T-shirt, then quietly left the room and went down the hallway.

        Chris was right upstairs.

        Right upstairs.

        Howie rolled onto his back so he wouldn’t hump the mattress.

        Chris was right upstairs.  Chris, with the demonic smile and the elf ears and the small feet.  Chris, impatient and sarcastic with a one-second attention span.  Chris, who kissed his neck under the curtain of his hair; who finger-fucked him slowly just to make him moan; whose eyes tracked his every move with devoted infatuation; who sucked his dick very often and very, very well; who seemed shocked whenever Howie returned the favor.

        Chris should have been there with him.  Right beside him.  Warm at his side.  But he was in bed alone, and Chris was upstairs.

        Right upstairs.

        So promisingly close.

        So ridiculously far.

        He’d masturbated, but it hadn’t helped much.  He didn’t want sex, he wanted Chris.  He’d tried replaying some of his favorite Chris moments in his head.

        Those first few days, Chris irritating him, their first kiss, making love for the first time.

        Chris moving in, sweating and cursing and tired, sitting down for a two-second rest.  Howie had walked in from the kitchen to see Chris asleep on the sofa.  He’d found a path between boxes of clothes and boxes of records, going over to the couch, and had sat down beside Chris, running his knuckles over the five o’clock shadow on Chris’s cheek, touched beyond reason, immeasurably grateful to have this love.

        Lying in bed, laughing himself sick, Chris’s eyes shining while Chris’s quick tongue elaborated on the most ridiculous of stories.

        The night they’d slow-danced on the patio.

        Soaking together in the bathtub in Kendig, completely in love yet painfully aware of the fragility of their healing bond, talking about garbled lyrics and strolling violinists, Chris’s hands warm on his body underwater.

        The casual maturity with which Chris talked about his childhood, the calm acceptance in his eyes, his polite yet firm refusal to feel sorry for himself.

        Being in the clubs with Chris on *NSYNC’s tour.  The passion in Chris’s eyes when they danced together.  Sweating, drinking, grinding all night.  Dancing more and more explicitly as the night wore on, putting their hands in better and better places.  Sitting in the backseat on the way back to the hotel; the overwhelmed, panicked lust in Chris’s breathing while he whispered into Chris’s ear, describing in excruciating detail the blowjob he wanted to give.

        The night the dishwasher broke and Chris had convinced him to wash the dishes by hand to prove he was human and not a celebrity; singing together while they worked, the sound of Chris’s voice blending with his own.

        The way Chris’s fingers tensed on whatever body part he was touching whenever Howie said, “I love you.”

        The day Chris had given him a ninety-minute lecture, complete with sound effects and threats of violence, when he’d made an off-hand comment about cutting his hair back to its long-ago, close-cropped style.

        Chris onstage, singing, dancing, talking to the crowd, playing with his friends.

        Someone was tapping at the door.  Howie sat up as the door opened, and his dick twitched.  “Chris.”

        “Did I wake you up?” Chris asked, hesitating in the doorway.

        “No, come in,” Howie said, sliding over on the bed.  He had to remember that Chris didn’t have sex in other people’s homes; it was important to remember that, and not get overexcited.  But he’d been wanting Chris all day, all day and all night, and when Chris closed the door and came to the bed, his dick hardened.

        Chris sat carefully, beside him under the covers.  “How have you been?”

        “Fine,” Howie said.  “How’s JC?”

        “Nick’s with him.  I thought I’d come down and check for burglars.  Any burglars in here?”

        “Not that I’ve noticed,” Howie said.

        “Good, good.  Good.”

        “Do you want me to get the light?”

        “No, I’ll make it quick.”

        “Make what quick?” Howie asked.

        Chris turned and kissed him.  The pace was quick, and Howie knew Chris had been upstairs wanting him just as badly as he’d been wanting Chris.  He closed his hand in the fabric of Chris’s shirt, and Chris came closer, and in another second they were against each other.

        Chris groaned.  “Oh, god, you’re hard, you’re so hard.”  Then his hand was there, and Howie couldn’t do more than share Chris’s moan.

        He tried to speak, tried to form a coherent sentence while kissing and kissing and kissing and all but coming in Chris’s hand.  “We don’t have to,” he said, because nothing would be worth pushing Chris into something Chris didn’t want to do.

        “I want to,” Chris said, pumping and pulling on Howie’s erection, hard against Howie’s thigh, his kiss fast approaching desperation.  At that, it was over.  All clothes hit the floor; they rolled over the bed, pushing each other closer and closer to orgasm, Chris’s kiss turning frantic when Howie’s pelvis ground against his.

        “I want to-” Chris started to say.

        “We don’t have any,” Howie said, moaning a little louder than he’d meant to when Chris began to thrust against him.  Chris’s dick was hard and hot, and he kept moaning as he rocked against it, meeting Chris’s thrusts.

        “Do you want me to-”

        “No, just this,” Howie said, “do this.”  He dragged Chris back to his kiss, groaning at the feel of Chris’s erection rocking alongside his, clutching at Chris’s shoulders.  The friction and pressure had him right on the edge, driving his hips rhythmically against Chris’s.  He was close, too close, and he began to reach his hand down to-

        “No, damn it,” and Chris grabbed his hand, pinning it down by his head, kissing him urgently.  Chris captured his other hand, too, denying him.  Chris knew what he wanted, knew he’d intended to make Chris come first, and was refusing to let him.  With Chris holding his hands captive, with Chris’s kisses devastating his mouth, Howie moaned his pleasured, helpless protests as Chris fucked against him until he came.

        Howie felt Chris release his wrists; Chris’s hands were in his hair, tipping back his head, as Chris sucked on his neck.  Chris was thrusting more slowly now, rocking in a tense, even rhythm against his hip.  Howie groaned, wishing Chris were in him, wanting to feel that thrust inside.  “Do you-”

        “No, I just,” and Chris grunted, then buried his face in Howie’s shoulder, thrusting hard once, then twice, then again, and he made muffled, groaning sounds that shivered down Howie’s bloodstream as warm wetness splashed over Howie’s stomach.

        Howie relaxed.

        Chris sighed, warm air against Howie’s neck.

        “Do you have to go up?” Howie asked, his hand on Chris’s back.

        “Yeah,” Chris said.

        Neither one of them moved.

        “Next time, I’m packing the lube,” Howie said.

        Chris laughed.  After a moment, he unpeeled himself from Howie’s body.  “I think I need to splash around in the bathroom before I go back,” he said.  Howie started to sit up.  “No, you stay.  If you come along, I’ll lose focus on my mission.”

        Howie kissed him.

        Chris kissed back.

        “Sorry you broke the no sex in other people’s houses rule,” Howie said.

        “I also broke the no sex with men rule for you, so this one wasn’t as big,” Chris said.

        “I can see how it might pale in comparison,” Howie admitted.

        Chris kissed him.  “See you in the morning.”

        “I love you,” Howie murmured against Chris’s mouth.  “Thank you for coming down here.  You saved me from running up there and ravishing you in front of JC.”

        “I never say no to a good ravish,” Chris said.  “I love you.”  One final kiss, and Chris gathered up his clothes and left.

        Howie stretched with satisfaction.  Much, much better.

        Nick shrugged.  “I just had sex.”

        JC touched Nick’s neck.

        “What can I do for you?” Nick asked.

        “Did Brian make love to you?”

        “Yeah.”  Nick watched JC’s face, curious.

        JC leaned closer, his hand on Nick’s thigh.  He raised his gaze to Nick’s face.  “Did you know that he loved you?  Could you feel it?”

        “Uh…yeah.  I think so.  Everything he did up to the point he put his dick in me, I knew he loved me.  When he was fucking me, I knew he wanted me.  When we were done, and he was curling up with me, I knew he loved me.”

        JC drew back, disturbed.

        “What?” Nick asked.

        “When he’s inside you, you can’t feel his love?”

        “It’s not like…  Brian loves me.  He loves me all of the time.  I know that.  There’s always love between us.  It’s just that sometimes, like when he’s fucking me and it feels so good he’s about to come, pure holy love isn’t the first thing on his mind.  I know I feel good to him.  I know I’m the best thing he’s ever felt on his dick.  It’s not that he loves me less when we’re screwing, it’s just that sometimes, he wants me so much it comes over him in a rush.”

        “And you feel that.”

        “Yeah, I guess.  But that’s just sometimes.  Most of the time, the whole time he’s in me, I can feel his love.  He’ll be in me, and I can feel his love...moving through me.”

        “Have you ever confused love with sex?”

        Nick snorted.  “Yes.”

        “How?”

        “How?  I don’t know.  I guess I just usually think that if I give sex, I might get love.”

        “Does it work?”

        “I don’t know.  The people I’ve given sex to, they love me, but they’ll tell you it’s not because of the sex.”

        “Do Brian and Drew know that you love them?”

        “Yes.”

        “Why?”

        “Hell, I don’t know.  Because I tell them all of the time?  Because I try to treat them right?  Because I act like I love them, I guess.  I don’t do shitty stuff to them, I let them know that they’re important to me, stuff like that.  JC…  How are you?  How are you doing?  What’s going on in your head?”

        “I don’t know what to do.”

        “About what?”

        “Does Brian see to your pleasure, or does he take his own?”

        “That’s not really what we’re talking about.  Come on.  You don’t know what to do about what?”

        “How could Brian take Justin from me, and keep you?”

        “Fine, so when this is over and you’re back with Justin, you can kidnap me for a week.  You don’t know what to do about what?”

        “How do you know he loves you?”

        “Because I know I’ve made a big difference in his life.  I know he wants to keep me around for the rest of his life.  I know I’m important to his happiness.  We’re best friends, but that wasn’t enough for either of us.  And I know he wants me.”

        “How do you know he wants you?”

        “JC, Brian just screwed me on the stairs.  Brian does not screw me on the stairs.  He would never ever screw me on the stairs with you and Chris in the house.  That was crazy, that was not Brian.  But he wanted me so badly, he took me right where I was, and forget everybody else.  It’s a sign that he’s losing his mind, but it’s also a sign that he wants me.”

        “I want to make love to Justin on stairs.”

        “No, you don’t.  It’s not comfortable.”

        “I don’t know what to do.”

        “Good, back to that.  About what?”

        “I want to stay true to Justin.  If I change, that’s betraying him.”

        “That’s, no, no.  Staying true to Justin means loving him and being faithful to him and honoring your commitment to him.”

        “I made him promises.”

        “And you think that building a healthier relationship would break those promises?”

        JC hesitated.  “Yes.”

        “Okay.  Well, are you sure?  What promises did you make?”

        “To take care of him forever.  To live for him forever.  To put him first forever.”

        “Putting Justin first means doing what’s best for him.  Let’s just change the definition of what’s best for him.”

        “You want me to break my promises to Justin.”

        “I want you to get out of this abusive relationship.  If you’re not willing to give him up, you’re going to have to change the relationship.  If that means breaking a few promises, then yeah, I want you to break a few promises.”

        “Abusive?”

        “Justin abuses you.  He’s manipulative and abusive.”

        “He loves me.”

        “He pushes you around.  Every emotion you have hinges on how Justin wants you to feel.  You’re not in charge of your own life.  He runs your life for you.  When being emotionally abusive doesn’t work, he gets physically abusive.”

        “I’ve hurt him, I’ve upset him, I’ve-”

        “And he has you blaming yourself every single time,” Nick said.  “That’s stupid.  Justin gets mad and curses you out and pushes you around and tells you it’s all your fault, and you believe him.  How is it your fault every single time?”

        “I hurt him.”

        “God, that’s stupid.  What have you done to Justin that’s so horrible that you have to suffer for it and he can lord it over you?”

        “It changes.  It’s every day.”

        “Every day?  Every day you do some new horrible thing?  Wow, you must be busy.”

        “Shut up.”

        Nick grinned.  “Because you know how stupid you sound.”

        “It’s not stupid.”

        “Justin’s a sensitive little butterfly who will run off crying if you don’t look at him long enough?”

        “No.  Yes.  It’s not like that.”

        “Then tell me what it’s like.”

        “It’s my job to take care of Justin, and if-”

        “Says who?”

        “Says me.”

        “Says Justin.”

        “No.  That was my decision.”

        “Why?  You think he can’t take care of himself?”

        “He shouldn’t have to.”

        “Why not?”

        “He’s special.”

        “Special like what, a quadraplegic?”

        “You know what I mean.”

        “I guess I don’t, because I’ve met Justin once or twice, and he’s annoying, but he looks like he can take care of himself okay.  Drew makes fun of me for not knowing how to do stuff that he says I should know by now, but I get around.  I figure Justin should be about in the same situation I am, so he should be okay.”

        “If you could take care of Drew, solve his every problem, take care of everything for him, see to it that he never needed anything he didn’t have, would you?”

        “If fairy tale land, yes.  In reality, no.  Drew would go nuts.  He’d hate it.  I know what you’re saying, though, because sometimes I think Brian and Drew would like to do that for me.  In fairy tale land.  But see, we don’t live in fairy tale land.”

        “Justin and I do.”

        “There’s your problem.  We’re in reality land, Princess.  You can’t be Justin’s fairy godmother anymore.  Let him make his own sandwiches.”

        “He doesn’t…  He wants me to take care of him.  If I stop, he’ll feel neglected.  He won’t think I love him anymore.”

        “That’s why you’re going to find new ways to show him you love him.”

        “He won’t understand.”

        “Explain it to him.”

        “I promised.  I promised him.”

        Nick hugged JC.  “Those were Cinderella promises.  It’s midnight, JC.  No more fairy godmother, no more fairy tales, just you and Justin and us lunatic mice.”

        Nick was on his back, staring at the ceiling.  He knew Jeff wasn’t sleeping.  He wasn’t even close to sleep, himself.

        Jeff rolled to his back.

        Nick, startled, kept still.

        Jeff pushed off the covers, then raised one knee, his sole flat to the mattress.  He was wearing only his boxer-briefs, and Nick managed not to stare at Jeff’s thigh only by closing his eyes.

        A few minutes passed.

        “Why,” Jeff said, “did it have to be Brian?”

        That had to be a rhetorical question.  Nick wasn’t going anywhere near it.  But he did open his eyes, keeping his gaze trained on the ceiling.

        “I think you’re full of shit,” Jeff said.  “I think you’re feeling guilty and you’re feeling confused, and you’re turning this into something a lot bigger than it is.  We both know how much you love me.  And you love Drew, I will never deny that, but it’s a very different kind of love.  But whatever feelings you have for Brian, they can’t compete, they don’t even compare, it’s like a molehill to a mountain.”

        Or a grain of sand to Mt. Everest.

        “But I don’t know,” Jeff said.  “I’ve seen the way you look at him.  I saw the way it was between you when he kissed you good-bye in Kendig.  He made love to you.  And he’s Brian.  Brian.  I can’t compete with him.  He’s probably the only person I can’t compete with.  Why did it have to be Brian?”

        There was so much he wanted to explain…

        “Nick, you know he doesn’t love you.  Not like that.  He does love you.  You’re a Nick and a Lachey, you’re a shoo-in, two in one.  I know the way he looks at you, the way he talks to you, I know how it makes you feel.  But that’s just Brian being Brian, showing his love, showing his affection.  That’s the way he is.  It’s like anyone watching Nick would think he has a serious crush on me and wants to get with me.  But he doesn’t, not really, not like that.  It’s easy to confuse what’s happened between the five of us for something else, but we’ve all understood what’s really going on.  We take from it what we take from it, and we know what to leave behind.  You’re trying to read something into it that isn’t there.”

        “You weren’t in that hallway,” Nick said.

        “No, I wasn’t.  But I watched him make love to you.  Brian does love you.  He loves you very much.  But you cannot confuse that with what he feels for Drew and Nick.  You don’t even come close.  When he’s with you, he’s thinking of them.  When he’s with them, you’re not even a dot on the horizon.”

        “I know.”

        “You know?”

        “I know.”

        Jeff raised his other knee as well.

        Nick’s gaze travelled left to rest on Jeff’s thighs.

        “I called Brian today, and he hung up on me before I got past, ‘Hi, it’s Jeff.’  I didn’t tell Drew, because I didn’t want to give him any more problems, and I didn’t plan to tell you, because I didn’t want to give you any more problems.  The funny thing is, that rejection hurt me so badly, it cut me so deeply, that I realized just how much I love him.  I love Brian.  It’s really crazy how much I can love someone who isn’t you.  And the love I have for him doesn’t come close to threatening what you and I have.  I know that no one else could ever understand that.”

        Nick waited for more.

        “I guess I just want you to know that I do love Brian.  I love him very much.  I love Nick, too.  But I would never think of saying that I love Brian and I love you in the same way, with the same meaning.”

        “I know.”

        “I’m so mad right now, Nick, I’m so angry.  And I’m so scared.  And that makes me even angrier.  I don’t believe that you love Brian, I don’t believe that you could love anyone besides me.  And I’m afraid that maybe you do.”

        “I don’t know.  I’m so confused.  All of this stuff with Lance, thinking over the accusations and speculation that might come…”

        “I know you’re upset about that.  You should have talked to me about it, instead of sitting in silence with it running around inside your head all day.  You’re feeling so guilty about what has happened, you’re deep in the guilt zone, and now you’re inventing new crimes for yourself.  Slow down.  Take a deep breath.  Sleep on it.  We’ll talk about it in the morning.  If I were a better man we could talk about it now, but I need a little time of my own to settle a few things in my head.”

        “I’m sorry I brought this to you,” Nick said quietly.  “I shouldn’t have said anything.”

        “No, no.”  Jeff finally turned his face to the side, meeting Nick’s eyes.  “I like that you talk to me.  I want you to talk to me.  I’m glad that, no matter what, our friendship is so strong you can come to me about anything.”  Deep breath.  “You’re just going to have to give me a few hours for this one.”

        “You hit that?”

        Was he that obvious?

        “You hit that?”

        Had Lance said something?

        “You hit that?”

        Yes.  Yes.  He’d hit that.  He’d tapped that ass.  He’d screwed Lance.  He’d fucked Lance.  He’d hopped on Lance’s jolly trolley.  He’d ridden the Bass-Go-Round.  He’d been the gondola in Lance’s Venice canal.  He’d dipped his stick in-

        Justin shifted, muttering something, then subsided.

        He’d had sex with Lance.

        It was his fault.  He’d started it.

        Lance wrapped his arm around Joey, pulling himself closer.  “Do you want to fuck me?”

        He shouldn’t have started it, shouldn’t have started touching Lance.  Why had he been touching Lance?  That was stupid.  He knew better.

        “Do you want to fuck me?”

        He’d fucked Lance.  He shouldn’t have.  He’d known at the time he was doing it, that he shouldn’t have been doing it.  It had been like deliberately speeding through a red light, a red light that had been red all along.  That light never had been green, or even amber.

        He loved Lance.  He always had, always.

        He was a very physically affectionate person by nature.  When he liked people, he touched them.  The more he liked them, the more he touched them.  Chris wasn’t all that big on touching.  Justin didn’t like to be touched all that much, or hadn’t before JC had changed Justin’s entire personality.  JC, of course, soaked up Joey’s touch like a sponge, which made JC a lot of fun to play with.  Lance loved to be touched, at least by him, but tried not to be too obvious about it.  So Joey had ended up messing around with Lance a lot, just to get past Lance’s barriers and see if he could make Lance admit to liking it.

        Lance was nice to touch.  JC was skinny.  Lance had some meat, some nice thick places.  He never truly got annoyed, either.  Sometimes he’d get right up to the brink, start getting that two seconds from pissed-off tone in his voice, but right when he was on the edge, he’d give in and become exasperated instead, making it clear that he was only tolerating Joey’s behavior because of their long-standing friendship.

        Lance had been the first, well, only guy he’d kissed.  Really kissed, with intent and tongues and the whole deal.  But their lives had just been threatened, so they were even more aware than usual of how important they were to each other, and Lance had leaned in and kissed him, and he’d opened his mouth and slid his tongue into Lance’s mouth, and it had felt good, so he’d gone with it.

        It’d had nothing to do with the fact that Lance had just said, “I love you more than I love AJ.”

        No, nothing to do with that at all.

        “Are you getting any sleep tonight?” Chris asked.

        “Justin’s not here,” JC explained.

        “No, right, silly me,” Chris said.  “Howie’s fine.  I’m tired.  You should be sleeping.”

        “Go to sleep.  I didn’t mean to keep you up.”

        “If I fall asleep, you’ll stay here?”

        “I don’t know where Justin is.  I have nowhere to go.”

        “You won’t run down the hallway with a cleaver, demanding to be taken to your leader?”

        “No,” JC said.

        “Can we tether you to something so I’ll feel better?”

        “No.”

        “It’d make me feel better.”

        “No.”

        “Just for a few hours.”

        “No.”

        “I’m really picturing you with a hatchet, chopping through Brian and Nick’s bedroom door, poking your face in and saying, ‘Heeere’s Joshy!’”

        “Their door doesn’t lock, and I don’t have a hatchet.  Or an axe.  Or a cleaver.”

        “All the same, let’s tie you to something.”

        “Chris, go to sleep.”

        “Okay, but only because it’s easier.”  Chris closed his eyes, then opened them.  “Still here?”

        “Still here,” JC said.

        “Just checking.”  Chris closed his eyes.  In minutes, he was asleep.

        JC got up.