"Where You Belong"

Where You Belong, eighth in the "Living" series

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Thus far we've had JC/Justin, Nick/Drew/Brian, Nick/Jeff, Nick/Drew/Brian/Nick/Jeff, AJ/Lance, AJ/Howie, AJ/Kevin, Chris/Howie, and partridge/pear tree.

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashwriters.

Wherein Drew won't go behind Brian's back, AJ can screw anybody he wants, and could JC be mellowing?

Notice: First, read "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," "Rest in Peace," "Destiny," and "Together." I know it sounds like a lot, but it'll only take you an hour or two.

If he were going to get home, he’d need money for a cab. It was too far to walk, although that was his fall-back plan.

Justin searched the room he was in, but found no cash. He hesitated at the door, heard Joey still snoring, and slipped quietly into the hallway.

Joey was in the living room, so Justin moved in the opposite direction. He went into the next room, a den. No money, no weapons. Another bedroom. No money, no weapons.

Joey wasn’t snoring.

Justin tensed, becoming still. He listened.

Joey was knocking on a door, the door to the room he’d been in. “Justin?”

Maybe if he hid successfully enough, Joey would think he’d escaped the house. But where could he-

“Justin?” Joey asked again, more loudly. “I’m coming in.”

Damn it, he knew he should’ve gone to the kitchen for a knife. Now what? Was he supposed to threaten Joey at hairbrushpoint?

The sound of the door opening. “Fuck!” Joey shouted. “Justin!”

Before he knew what he was doing, Justin ran for the door, dashing down the hallway, slamming into the kitchen. Joey had gone further into the room, probably to check for his body in the bathroom, which gave him a head start. But Joey would have heard him running, knew where he was. Justin got his hand on the knife block and closed his hand around a knife handle an instant before Joey got to him, running right into him, pushing him against the counter, one hand over his.

They were frozen, panting.

“Don’t,” Joey said behind him.

“I have to,” Justin said, his hand still on the handle, on the verge of pulling it free.

“You don’t,” Joey said, pinning him there.

“You’re the only thing between me and JC. I need money and a cab.”

“You’re going to mug me for cab fare?”

“I have to get home.”

“Can you do it?” Joey asked. “You’ve never hurt one of us on purpose, intentionally. You’ve lashed out in the heat of the moment, upset about JC, a little out of control. But this is different.”

“A little out of control?” Justin repeated. Joey was forgiving, even now.

“Can you do this? Premeditated? Eye-to-eye? Pull a knife on me?”

“I have to go home,” Justin said, wishing that Joey would understand, because with understanding might come absolution.

“I know that,” Joey said. “I’m sorry, Justin. But I told you I’m not right in the head anymore, and you’re not, either. Neither one of us makes the best decisions.”

“I just want to be with JC again,” Justin said.

“What are you willing to sacrifice to have that?” Joey asked.

“Everything,” Justin said.

“Are you sure?”

Justin closed his eyes. “You’re my best friend, Joey.”

“I know,” Joey said. “I love you, Justin.”

The knife handle was smooth at his fingers. Tangible in his hand. Something real. Something he could use. His promise of freedom. His way back to JC.

Over his hand was Joey’s hand. How many times had he grasped Joey’s hand? How many times over the years had Joey been there for him? He couldn’t remember Joey ever not being there for him. Joey was a rock, a constant, always there, always supportive, always giving, always loving.

“I have to go home to JC,” Justin whispered.

“I know,” Joey said. “If you do this, I’ll forgive you.”

The worst part was, that was true. Joey would forgive him, and Justin knew it. But he couldn’t take that. He couldn’t accept that. His insides caved, and his hand dropped. “I wouldn’t forgive myself.” His promise of freedom was gone. He was trapped. Oh, JC…

Joey man-handled him, turning him, pushing him towards a chair at the table. “You haven’t been eating. I’ll make you something. You look like shit.” Joey crouched down beside his chair and held his hand. “It’ll be okay, Justin.”

Justin leaned forward onto him, onto his shoulder, and stayed there.

Joey hugged him back. “It’ll be okay.”

Chris studied JC. “What’s wrong with you?”

“What?” JC asked.

“You were talking about losing Justin and Justin leaving you, and now you’re fine. Why aren’t you worried about him not loving you anymore, now?”

“I heard him calling out to me,” JC said. “He’s making it without me, but it’s so hard for him, and all he wants is to be with me again.”

“So you feel better because he’s doing okay, or you feel better because you know he’s suffering for his love?”

“I feel better,” JC said sharply, “because I know that as long as we love each other this much and we’re wanting to be together this much, we’ll be together again. This situation is temporary. As long as we’re strong and we can hold on, we’ll make it and reunite.”

“That’s…healthy,” Chris said. “Does this mean no more freaking out?”

“No,” JC said. “I can’t promise that.”

“Fair enough.” Chris hummed. “How long do you think it takes Mr. and Mr. Carter Littrell Lachey to have sex?”

“That depends on how many times they do it,” JC said.

“What happened to old-fashioned fucking and passing out?” Chris asked. “You get off, you go to sleep, everybody’s happy. It’s crazy couples like you and Justin, with your multiple orgasms, that make the rest of us look bad.”

“You have sex, have one orgasm, and go to sleep right away?” JC asked.

“Well, no. But I’m with Howie. That’s different. Howie doesn’t have ordinary sex like mere mortals.” The doorbell rang. “Avon calling?” Chris guessed.

“It’s not Justin,” JC said.

“Oh, because if it were, you would know from where you’re sitting?” Chris asked.

“Yes,” JC said.

“Of course you would,” Chris said. “Silly me. God, what is that? A herd of elephants rampaging through the house?”

“Nick running down the stairs,” JC said.

“Hey!” they heard Nick say cheerfully.

“Must not be Lance’s return,” Chris said. “Could be Kevin.”

“Could be Howie,” JC said.

“No, JC, because you see, if it were Howie, my grand love, then surely I would know it, because when you’re as deeply connected to someone as I am to Howie, my grand love, you develop a higher sense of perception. You’ll come to understand these things when you’re older.”

They heard Nick go back upstairs.

“I’m beginning to think that we should call for pizza,” Chris said.

“That’d be up to you,” JC said. “I’m not allowed near a phone.”

“Ah, sorry,” Chris said. “You were acting so sane for these past few minutes, I almost for - - Jesus.” He scrambled to his feet.

Howie came through the doorway with a smile. “JC.”

“Howie,” JC said.

“Hi,” Chris said. Howie hadn’t stopped coming closer. “What’s the protocol for this? Do we-”

Howie kissed him.

“-kiss in public?” Chris asked, when Howie’s lips were gone. “Not that this is public, public.

“How are you?” Howie asked JC.

“I want Justin back,” JC said, almost calm, but stating his case. “It wasn’t right to take him away from me.”

“He’s fine,” Chris told Howie. “So, you’re here.”

“I wanted to find out how JC’s doing. Nick’s back. And I can always find an excuse to be where you are.”

“Plus Lance is running around loose.”

“Yes,” Howie said. “There is that.”

“He was here, but he left. He’s probably at home, licking his wounds. Would you happen to have any food on you?”

“Nick said Brian’s on his way down,” Howie said.

“That was a good kiss,” Chris said. “Do I get one of those every time we meet?”

“Yes,” Howie said.

“I can deal with that,” Chris said. “What if I just go down the hall and come back again, do I get another kiss when we bump into each other?”

“Maybe,” Howie said. “We’ll have to see.” Footsteps. “I’m going go to talk to Brian.” He winked, squeezing Chris’s hand, and left.

Chris watched him go. “Oh, happy me.”

“He’s gorgeous,” JC said.

“Did you see his hair? All wavy and curly? I love that.”

“You don’t have a protocol?” JC asked.

“Yeah, from before, but this feels different, it’s new. And before, before the tour, that felt so short and it was long ago and things have changed. And we were both working so hard then, we didn’t take the time to establish how we do things, we just threw it all together to sort out later. Now we have to figure out how this really works when we’re actually together, at home, living our daily lives.”

“You think you can do it?” JC asked. “Work out a day-to-day relationship when you’re both at home sharing a bathroom?”

“Yes, of course,” Chris said. “Howie and I can work out anything, even who makes the bed.”

“You should go home tonight,” JC said. “Be with him.”

“I’m staying here,” Chris said. “The acoustics in Brian’s guest room make me wake more rested.”

“Go home with Howie,” JC said. “I’ll be fine here.”

“Did I mention that I’m staying here?” Chris said. “Was that part of that last bit I said?”

“Brian and Nick are here.”

“If Nick spends the night, he’s going to do it in bed with Brian, and then you’ll be all alone. Or else he’ll stay with you, to keep an eye on you, and you’ll be depriving Brian of one of his favorite toys. It’d be better if I, hmm, stayed here.”

“I don’t want to keep you from Howie.”

“JC.” Chris patted JC’s hand comfortingly. “You don’t have Justin. You don’t have Joey. God forbid you have Lance. That leaves me. I am not leaving you here alone.”

JC hugged Chris tightly. “I know how much you love him.”

“Yeah, well, sometimes I kind of love you, too,” Chris said.

Howie helped Brian clean up the mess he’d made when he’d dropped the pot on Nick’s arrival. “I realize you’re not in the frame of mind to accept more company, but I’d like to stay tonight.”

“You’re not company,” Brian said. “You and Chris can have the guest room.”

“Brian, where would that leave JC?” Howie asked.

“Nick and I can have him in our room,” Brian said. He hesitated. “That didn’t come out right.”

“No, it didn’t,” Howie said, amused. “I think Chris might like to spend the night closer to JC, anyway. I really have no reason to stay here, but I’d like to stay close. I’m not comfortable with Lance coming and going.”

“Has he done something to Chris?” Brian asked.

“Nothing we can’t handle,” Howie said. “I’d just like to be here. For Chris. For support. Besides, knowing he’s here, I feel lonely wandering around at home. I’d rather be where he is.”

He pushed Brian’s shirt back off one shoulder, kissing down Brian’s neck, onto Brian’s chest. Brian said his name in soft, aroused tones, a hand on his nape. He slid to his knees, opening Brian’s fly-

“Drew?”

Drew twitched and stared, coming back to earth.

“You’ll have to excuse him,” Jeff said to the interviewer.

“He’s been out of it ever since Carson stopped hosting ‘TRL,’” Nick explained.

“Some people don’t handle change very well,” Justin said.

After the interview, Jeff pulled Drew aside. “Where have you been? You’ve been spacing out all day.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” Drew said. “I’m worried about Brian, and I want to go home, and I want to get laid, and basically there are a lot of distractions.”

“This is almost over,” Jeff said. “Can you try to focus? I know that it’s easy for me to say that, and I’m not taking your situation lightly, but this is our career.”

“I know,” Drew said. “I’ll get my head back in the game.”

“Can I do something?” Jeff asked. “Help?”

“No,” Drew said. “You could do something about Nick, though. Your Nick. He’s a lot better than I am; in front of everybody, he’s on top of it. But…”

“Yeah, I know. Behind the scenes, it’s like he’s on Guilt Row. He doesn’t want to talk about it.”

“When has that ever stopped you?” Drew asked.

“I’m giving him time to process,” Jeff said. “There’s a lot happening. He asked for time, so he’s getting time. Rest assured, once the brooding reaches unbearable proportions, I will smack him in the head and tell him to get over it.”

“I’d appreciate it,” Drew said.

“Let’s go to the kitchen,” Chris suggested.

“Because Howie’s there?” JC asked, teasing.

“I’m doing a wildlife study,” Chris said.

“On?” JC asked.

“Backstreet Boys,” Chris said.

“Backstreet Boys?” JC asked.

“They’re a fascinating breed,” Chris said. “I have yet to study all five of them at once, up close and in-depth, for obvious reasons. But their interactions in smaller groupings still yield important information.”

“I’m sure they do,” JC said, following him down the hallway.

They reached the kitchen on Nick’s heels, watching him enter the room, squeeze Howie in passing, and walk up on Brian, expecting and receiving a kiss. “What are we eating?” he asked.

“Pizza,” Brian said. “Kevin didn’t bring all that many groceries, and what he did bring, well, I spilled the beef across the floor.”

“You did?” Nick asked, looking down. “Why?”

“I thought it might taste better,” Brian said.

“Weird,” Nick said. “Pizza’s good, though. JC!” He gave JC a hug. “Come and talk to me. I just left Justin, he’s royally pissed at us for doing this to you guys, there’s this nasty bruise on my thigh where he kicked me harder than a mother.”

“I knew that wasn’t a coffee table,” Brian said. “I knew it.”

“What, you said that thing on your elbow’s from a coffee table,” Nick said.

“It was,” Brian said.

“It was, I was here,” Chris said.

“The coffee table jumped up and bit you on the arm?” Nick asked.

“I pushed him,” JC said. “Sorry.”

“It’s all right,” Brian said.

“No pushing Brian,” Nick said. “Come talk to me.” He took JC from the room.

Chris leaned back against the wall, watching them go. He could admit, with slight reluctance, that he was okay with letting JC go off with Nick. Nick wasn’t one of them, but Nick was JC’s best friend, so JC would probably be all right.

Brian crossed his arms on the kitchen table, leaning forward. “What would you think about Nick staying here with JC, and me going to stay with Justin?”

“I don’t know,” Chris said, coming closer to the table, across from him. “I know that you and Justin have a great rapport.”

“Something I don’t have with JC,” Brian said for him.

“It’s developing,” Chris said.

“We had it,” Brian said. “With the Fools. But with all of this, the way we took Justin from him, he’s pulling back. I don’t think he’d do that as much with Nick.”

“Nick wouldn’t let him,” Howie said.

“I guess since we’re not working on the Fools, it might be better if you did switch,” Chris said.

“I’m sorry,” Brian said. “We built up this great project, and now we’re letting you guys down-”

“No,” Chris said. “You’ve already done a lot of work. There wasn’t a whole lot that the three of us were going to get done during this little break anyway, without the others. Nothing we can’t do when this is over.”

“I feel like I’m not getting anywhere with JC,” Brian said. “I haven’t accomplished anything.”

“I don’t know how much we can do,” Chris said.

“It’s really up to them,” Howie said.

“I know.” Brian turned the phone in his hands.

Chris realized something. He liked Brian. He actually liked Brian. As a person. It wasn’t that he’d expected to dislike Brian; he just hadn’t cared before, one way or the other. He’d pretty much put the Backstreet Boys in a box, labelled them “do not associate with,” and ignored them. Then came Howie, and love. Then came AJ, and hate. But the other three…eh. Except, now, it was like Brian was a real person, someone he could like.

Then Chris realized that while he was having a personal revelation, the wildlife was engaging in a lot of nonverbal communication. He looked up to see Howie shaking his head while Brian gestured upstairs. They caught him looking; Howie stopping shaking, and Brian turned the gesture into a scratch.

“I’m going to call for that pizza,” Brian said. “Howie, if you’re staying, I don’t know what we’re going to work out, but somebody’s sleeping down here. Can you get the sheets out of the upstairs closet?”

“Why don’t you get them?” Howie asked, amused and vaguely threatening.

“Because I’m not the one bursting into someone else’s home uninvited to spend the night,” Brian said.

“You’re a horrible host,” Howie said, and walked out of the kitchen.

Chris scurried after him. “You’re staying?”

“Yeah,” Howie said.

Up the staircase, checking out Howie’s ass. “Here? Tonight?”

“Yeah. I can sleep downstairs.”

“Why?” This was bizarre behavior. Howie had a perfectly nice bed at home.

“I want to be close to you. It’s not a big deal; we’ve stayed over at each other’s places all of the time.” Howie opened the hall closet.

We, of course, meaning the Boys. “You want to be close to me?”

“You need to be here, to be with JC. I’d like to be where you are. We’re also on Lance Watch, and I’d like to be around next time he shows up.”

Ah. Lancesten. “What’s downstairs, a sofa?”

“It turns into a bed. A great bed.” He pulled down sheets and a blanket.

“JC and I can sleep there.”

“You’re in the guest room.”

“You can have the guest room.”

“Why should I put you and JC out of your bed?” Howie asked, like it was a reasonable question, snagging a pillow and closing the door.

“Pretend you’re Nick. Who’s the higher class of guest, you or me?”

“If I’m Nick?” Howie asked.

“No, if you’re you.”

“But you said to pretend that I’m Nick,” Howie said.

“Pretend Brian’s Nick. Who deserves the guest room, Howie or Chris?”

“If we follow Nick’s hierarchy… This is going to end up putting me and JC in the guest room, and you downstairs, except I don’t want to sleep with JC, and I’m sure I’m not his first choice, either. Here’s the way it goes. Brian and Nick get the master bedroom, because they live here. JC gets the guest room, because he’s the favored guest at the moment. I would get the next guest room, except Nick turned all of the other bedrooms into TV rooms and billiards rooms and whatever. That leaves either you or me in the room with JC, and the logical choice would be you. That leaves me downstairs.”

“There’s another problem.”

“What would that be?” Howie asked.

Chris took the pillow from Howie’s arms. “I don’t think that I’ll get a lot of sleep knowing that you’re right downstairs.”

Howie smiled, shifting the sheets and blanket to one arm, freeing his other arm. “I won’t get much sleep knowing that you’re right upstairs, either. Especially after this morning.”

“You mean this…this morning?” Chris asked. This morning when he’d went home. This morning when he’d come in Howie’s mouth. This morning when they’d made out all slow and delicious, and he’d just gotten his hand down Howie’s pants when Howie had said he should go back to JC. This morning when, ooohhh, he’d gotten some and Howie hadn’t. That wasn’t right at all. “Can we go home?”

“Now?” Howie asked, puzzled. “Why?”

“I want to, um, check on the stove,” Chris said. “Maybe I left it on. There might be a fire. To put out.”

Howie was looking at him closely.

“Not a big fire,” Chris said. “A small, personal fire. I’d like to put out any small, personal fires that might be burning.”

“Chris, there’s a bedroom right behind us,” Howie said. “We don’t have to go all the way home to put out fires.”

“Here?” Chris whispered.

“That’s why Brian sent us upstairs,” Howie said.

Chris was scandalized. “I don’t know what your circle of friends does, but I don’t engage in personal physical activity in places other than the comfort of my home.”

“You’ve never had sex outside of your house?” Howie asked, like he wanted to laugh.

“Unless I’m on tour. Or dating women with homes of their own. And I’ve done it in a car. A few times. And a few other places that are none of your business. What I meant to say is that I don’t have sex in other people’s homes, unless I’m having sex with them.”

“That’s too bad,” Howie said. He sighed, shaking his head. “All right.” He turned to go downstairs.

“You’re letting it go?” Chris asked.

“You’ve made a decision. I can respect it,” Howie said. “I’m not going to push you into something, when you’ve obviously put some thought into why you don’t want to do it.”

“You have sex in other people’s houses?”

“I have. I wasn’t planning to, here, today, even when Brian told me to go ahead. I know that Brian and Nick wouldn’t mind, but I think I’m mature enough to want sex and not have it. Until I got up here with you, which made me re-think things a little.”

“Have I ever told you that I love you?” Chris asked.

“Yes,” Howie said, and kissed him, lingering before drawing back. “I love you, too.”

“The door doesn’t lock,” Chris said.

Howie glanced past Chris. “Damn.”

“If you fuck me against it, I can hold it shut.”

Howie laughed. “That’s okay. I can wait.”

Chris threw the pillow down and hugged Howie, pushing up close to Howie’s body, his chin on Howie’s shoulder.

Howie dropped the sheets and blanket in order to hold him without barriers.

Chris closed his eyes. He was so in love, and so in lust, with this man, that he didn’t know what to do with himself. And the miracle of having Howie return those feelings, love him back, want him back, made every day a kind of living dream.

Howie’s voice was soft. “Chris, my love.”

God, what those words did to him. So sappy and romantic. So sweet and loving. That he could say them, and that Howie would return them, make them into something. Just like in the beginning, all of his fumbling attempts, his idiocy, his strong yet insecure love, and Howie had taken it all, returned the kisses and the affection, and made all of his frantic, frightened stabs at starting something into a real relationship. Only Howie would have the patience to deal with him, especially since he’d been freaking crazy in the beginning. “Howie, my love.” He raised his hand, curling his fingers into the end of Howie’s ponytail.

Howie’s hand slid down to his waist.

Chris’s fingers tightened. He clamped down hard on the words welling up inside. He wouldn’t say it. He couldn’t say it. Not in the bright of day, not when Howie’s ear was so close to his mouth, not when Howie could hear. But the words were coming up his throat, panting to be heard. He had to do something, a distraction, a subject change, anything. “Look, aardvarks!” he said quickly, pulling back. He grabbed the pillow and jammed a corner of it into his mouth, screaming around it.

Howie gave him a skeptical look.

“Sicilian death scream,” Chris explained, clutching the pillow in case the urge wasn’t quite gone. “Frightens them away. The aardvarks.”

“The aardvarks,” Howie repeated, nodding.

“That was pretty rude of them, breaking up our nice moment like that.”

“A little,” Howie agreed, but he didn’t seem mad. He even gave Chris a kiss and a smile, both of which were very highly appreciated.

“You have a very pretty, pretty smile,” Chris said. “You smile a lot. Why are you always so happy?”

“Have you looked at my life?” Howie asked. “What do I have to be upset about? I love my family. I love my friends. I love my job. And,” he pulled Chris against his body again, getting sultry around the eyes, “I have you.”

Mmm, ohhh… Chris was warm all over, and Howie’s fingers were teasing all the right spots behind his ear, and Howie’s mouth was nothing short of luscious, and Chris was point zero five seconds away from becoming Howie’s eternal love slave.

“Chris,” Howie murmured, doing erotic, delicious tongue things.

Oh, yeah... Chris was fully prepared to do anything Howie wanted, sexual or otherwise.

“We have to stop.”

Except that. Chris opened his eyes when Howie stopped kissing him.

“Let’s go downstairs,” Howie said.

“I’m enjoying myself up here,” Chris said.

“So am I, a little too much, especially if you want me to behave,” Howie said. He picked up the sheets and blanket.

“Why, were you planning to be naughty?” Chris teased.

Howie winked and walked down the stairs.

“A woo-hoo and a yippie-yi-yay,” Chris said to himself, and followed.

“Justin?” JC asked, following Nick into the den.

Nick sat on the couch, tugging JC down to sit beside him. “He’s fine. He’s pissed off, and he’s feeling all hurt and betrayed, poor thing. But he’s taking it pretty well. He should be home soon.”

“Betrayed?” JC repeated. He’d betrayed Justin. He hadn’t been there, he hadn’t taken care of Justin, he hadn’t kept Justin safe, he-

“By us, by Joey and Lance and Chris, by his friends. Not by you,” Nick said. “You’re the one he’s trying to get home to. You’re the one he’s freaked out over.” Nick nudged JC. “So tell me how you’re doing.”

“Take me to him,” JC said. “You know where he is. Take me there.”

“He misses you,” Nick said. “It was hard for him to get to sleep. I don’t think he knows what to do. He’s crying nonstop, and then he’s totally shut off and nowhere, and then he’s yelling and fighting.”

Pain tore at JC’s gut. “I can help him. Please, let me help him.”

“JC, all you do is give him what he wants every time he acts like that. That only makes him do it again next time, faster and harder. It’s like training a kid to throw temper tantrums to get what he wants.”

“But he’s in pain,” JC said. “I have to go help him.”

“He’s not in any physical pain. Look, people are separated from people they love all of the time. Married people are separated all of the time. You don’t see Drew kicking and screaming every time he has to go on tour.”

“Justin’s different. He’s special.”

“He’s spoiled.”

“Justin has needs.”

“You’ve known Justin since he was in diapers, right? So you knew him at age, I don’t know, seventeen. He was a mature guy, especially for his age. He had his shit together. He could play around and mess around and act stupid, but he also was mature and responsible and all of that stuff. Right?”

“Yes-”

“Right. Is the Justin who ‘has needs’ and goes postal on his best friends the same Justin you knew back then?”

“Not the way you mean.”

“And what’s changed? What’s different about his life?”

“If you want me to say me-”

“Right, you. You’ve changed him, JC. Being with you has changed him. He’ll tell you himself that you’ve fucked him up. Why did you do that to him?”

“I-”

“Because you want him to be dependent on you. You want him to need you as much as you need him. He has needs, sure, whatever, but you’ve created those needs. Maybe they were already there, but you, hell, what’s the word, exploited them.”

“Are you accusing me of destroying Justin?”

“I’m accusing you of creating a monster. You haven’t destroyed him. He’s still in there. He’s just losing ground in Justin’s brain.”

“I love Justin. I would never-”

“JC, I know you love him. He knows you love him. Everybody knows you love him. The problem is how you love him. You’re terrified that he’s going to leave you someday, so you’re making him so dependent on you, he feels like he literally can’t survive without you. That’s crazy. What if something happens to you, JC? What if you die in a buffalo stampede tomorrow? What’s going to happen to Justin?”

JC was agitated. “I won’t leave him, I’ll never leave him.”

Nick answered his own question, since JC wouldn’t. “He’s going to kill himself. You know that. Do you want that?”

“He won’t, he wouldn’t-”

“He would, and you know it,” Nick said. “Does that sound like the old Justin you used to know and love? No, it doesn’t. But that’s the way he is now. You set it up that way. Is that the way you want it? You want him to-”

“No!” JC said, horrified. “No, Justin-”

“Then what are you going to do about it?”

JC turned his face away, looking down at the carpet. After a long, painful silence, he said in a low voice, “I have to leave him.”

“No, you idiot,” Nick said. “You have to put some balance back in your marriage so he can have some balance in his life. You have to give him freedom and space. You have to let him be in charge of your sex life for once. Don’t be on him every second. Let him spend his time doing whatever he wants to do. Don’t run after him, don’t smother him.”

“He wants me to,” JC said, shifting to face Nick, back on safer emotional ground.

“I know,” Nick said. “It’s going to be hard on both of you. But the way he used to be, that’s the guy you fell in love with.”

“Give him space,” JC said to himself. “How? I can’t… Give him space?”

“You can do it,” Nick said. “It’s for his good. You can do anything if it’s better for Justin.”

“He’s going to be hurt, he’s going to feel neglected-”

“He’ll get over it,” Nick said. “There’s something else I wanted to ask you about.”

JC waited.

“You and I can talk about anything. You tell me everything. You know I understand what you and Justin are going through.”

“Yes,” JC said, nodding.

“We’re thinking about switching. Brian and me. I’ll stay here with you, and he’ll-”

“No,” JC said.

“Why not?” Nick said. “It makes sense. It’d be better for all four of us.”

“No,” JC said, shaking his head. “No. I don’t want, I don’t want that.”

“You don’t want what?” Nick asked.

“How is Justin?” JC asked. “How does he look?”

“He looks normal,” Nick said. “His eyes are still blue and everything.”

“I want to see him again,” JC said. “I want to touch him again.”

“I’m sure you do,” Nick said. “Why can’t Brian and I switch?”

“Justin’s away from me,” JC said. “He’s scared. He’s vulnerable.”

Nick’s eyes narrowed.

“They would go off together,” JC said. “They’d be curled up together in a corner somewhere. Or they’d just be gone, off somewhere. Sometimes for hours. They’d go clubbing, and they’d dance…”

“You realize you’re trying to say that Brian would cheat on me and Drew,” Nick said. “You know I should hit you.”

“Justin is needy,” JC said. “Right now he’s alone and very needy. Brian’s been taking care of your needs for years.”

“I think that Brian can tell the difference between his toys and yours,” Nick said.

“They like each other,” JC said.

“They’re not doing each other,” Nick said. “JC, you’re being stupid. Justin’s obsessed with you. All he’s thinking about right now is you, I promise. If he starts doing the needy vulnerable thing, Brian’ll cuddle him up and whisper pretty things about how much you love him, and that’ll be it. Brian’s not going to put the moves on Justin, that’s sick. Brian has me and Drew. He’s not interested in your piece of ass.”

JC shook his head again. “No. It’s not happening. I won’t let him near Justin. Not like this.”

“JC, I can help you. Brian can help Justin. You want us to help Justin, you want him to be healthy and grounded again. This is how to get that done.”

“No.”

“Stubborn bastard. They’re not going to be alone together. Joey’s there.”

“Joey’s as bad as Justin is,” JC said. “Brian could start his own harem.”

“You’re being petty. And you’re being stupid. And we don’t need your permission.”

“If you let Brian go anywhere near Justin, I will leave,” JC said.

Nick looked at him.

JC was determined.

Nick believed him.

Drew ran his hands through blond hair, sucking on Nick’s tongue as Nick lowered him onto the table. He pulled off Nick’s shirt, running his hands down Nick’s long back, down over Nick’s ass. Nick was hard against him, and he pushed Nick up slightly, unzipping Nick’s fly. Nick was kissing his neck, kissing his chest, whispering insanely dirty things, and-

“Drew!”

Drew snapped back to attention, disoriented. He looked around. Everyone was staring at him. “What?”

“You’ve been spacing out all day,” Jeff said.

“Are you planning to do this onstage, too?” Justin asked.

Drew felt himself turning red. “Sorry.”

“Somebody needs to get laid,” Jeff said.

Since he’d already told Jeff as much, he couldn’t be offended at the speculation. “I’ll be fine.”

“Can’t you…call?” Justin asked.

He didn’t want to use Nick for sex, and he didn’t want to add to Brian’s problems by acting like a neglected husband. “I’ll be fine,” he said again.

“There’s always the one-man tango,” Jeff suggested with a grin.

“Subtle,” Justin said.

“Thanks,” Jeff said.

“Why don’t we change the subject?” Drew asked.

“Harassing you is fun,” Jeff said. “Seriously, call home.”

Drew couldn’t deny that he wanted to. “I’ll find a minute to do that.”

“Privacy,” Jeff said to Justin. “He’ll need privacy.”

“We can work that out,” Justin said.

“I can take care of this myself,” Drew said.

“Of course you can,” Jeff said. “When do you think would be a good time?” he asked Justin.

The doorbell rang.

“Pizza!” Chris shouted.

“Go get some,” Nick said to JC, back in the den. “You’re too skinny.”

“You aren’t coming?” JC asked.

“In a minute.”

JC nodded, and left.

Nick closed the door again, and called Kevin.

“Hello?”

“So your little plan of switching everybody around is a big hit,” Nick said without preamble. “Everybody agrees that Brian and I should swap patients.”

“Then what’s wrong?” Kevin asked.

“Everybody except JC,” Nick qualified.

“Why?” Kevin asked.

“He thinks Brian and Justin are going to jump each other’s bones.”

“What?”

“I know, he’s paranoid. But he’s being stupid about it, and he’s threatening to walk out if we try it.”

“Tie him down somewhere.”

“If JC decides not to cooperate, he won’t cooperate. He’ll shut us out and lock himself away in his head. He’ll be perfectly happy doing it, too, because he can play little Justin movies in his head all day long and be just fine.”

“He really thinks Brian and Justin would have an affair?”

“I don’t know if he really thinks they’d have sex, or if he just thinks they’d kiss and pet or whatever. But he’s being stubborn about it.”

“Nick, that’s insane.”

“JC’s insane.”

“What do you want from me?”

“I don’t know. Advice. Help.”

“Have Brian and JC talked about this?”

“Not as far as I know.”

“Maybe they should.”

“I don’t want Brian to know that even more people are accusing him of being a lying, cheating bastard.”

“JC’s under the impression that everyone finds Justin irresistible. He’s a very confused man.”

“I don’t know. I’ve kind of wondered about Brian and Justin a little bit, too. Not for real, just…a little.”

“Nick, Brian is not going to do anything with Justin.”

“Why not? Justin’s cute, if you like that type. And he has to be good in bed, after all of the practice he gets.”

“Nick, you’re good in bed. Get Brian to talk to JC.”

“You say weird things sometimes. Things like that. Things like Brian depends on me. I think you know things you’re not telling me.”

“I probably do,” Kevin said.

“What aren’t you telling me?”

“I’ll see you later, Nick.”

“Kevin.”

“Good-bye.”

“Bastard,” Nick muttered, hanging up the phone. He’d take Kevin’s advice, though. Mostly because he didn’t know what else to do.

Jeff had been keeping an eye on Nick, and he didn’t like what he was seeing. Nick was withdrawing, closing down. It had been hours since Nick had smiled even slightly, and the three of them could make Nick smile any time they wanted.

It had been a long day, a very long day, and a very difficult day. Jeff wanted to find a bed, curl up against Nick, and go to sleep. But they still had to get through the show. At least that should make Nick feel better.

It was really stupid, Jeff knew, that all of this was going on with Lance and the fear of discovery, and he hadn’t spoken to Brian. They hadn’t talked, worried, strategized, anything. For the most part, Drew talked to Nick and Brian, and then Drew spoke to him, and then he spoke to Nick. There were two distinct camps, with Drew passing information between them. That was ridiculous. Their closeness had gotten them into this mess, and now, they couldn’t be bothered to pick up a phone.

Ridiculous.

Jeff picked up a phone.

Brian passed a plate to Howie.

“What do you want to drink from this bare-assed refrigerator?” Chris asked.

The phone rang. “If you want to go grocery shopping, go right ahead,” Brian offered, reaching for the phone. “Hello?”

“Do I look like his servant?” Chris asked JC.

Brian hung up. “We at least have Coke or something, don’t we?”

“Who was that?” Nick asked, reaching past Howie for another slice.

“Wrong number,” Brian said. “JC, you have to eat something.”

Drew jerked back just in time to avoid being hit by the phone flying through the air. Maybe this had been a bad moment to walk into the room. He picked up the phone where it had landed safely on the sofa, and approached Jeff with caution.

Jeff, half turned away, had his fingers pressed to his eyes. “Sorry about that.”

“What happened?” Drew asked.

“I’m so damned frustrated,” Jeff said, sounding tired. “I’m so damned angry.” His voice rose. “I’m so damned hurt! Jesus! What the hell do I have to do?!” His hand dropped; he turned away further.

“Can I…help?” Drew asked.

“You pay, and you pay, and you pay, and for what?!” Jeff demanded, rounding on him. “God damn it, you’d think forgiveness wouldn’t be that damned hard!”

“That depends on what’s being forgiven,” Drew said.

“I have feelings, too,” Jeff said. “I love, too.”

“I know you do,” Drew said, completely confused but willing to go with it.

Jeff shook his head. “God, I swear, even Nick never cuts me this deeply. I don’t know whether to beat something or burst into tears right now.”

“You could hit me,” Drew said.

“Oh, that’d go over really well,” Jeff said.

“Can you be a little clearer on what’s wrong?” Drew asked.

“No,” Jeff said. “I don’t want to make my problems your problems.” He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “I also can’t lose it right now, since I have to keep my head together if I want to talk to Nick later.”

“Are you okay?” Drew asked.

“I’m fine. I just need to stop reopening old wounds.” Jeff shook his head. “Stupid me, I thought maybe it had healed a little.”

Justin had curled up in a corner of the sofa. He was huddled up on himself, tucked into a ball of pain. When Joey lifted his chin to get a good look at him, he was so miserable he’d turned gray around the eyes.

Joey sat down and hauled Justin into his lap, wrapping Justin in his arms. He turned on the TV and sat there, stroking Justin’s back, rubbing Justin’s arms, caressing Justin’s curls, holding Justin’s hands.

Justin fell asleep against Joey’s shoulder, reassured that, even miles away from JC, someone still loved him.

Nick swallowed the last of his soda. “Brian, JC, I’d like to see you in the den,” he said in his most business-like voice. “Howie, Chris, I’d like you to clean up the kitchen.”

“We’d love to,” Howie said, smoothly pre-empting Chris’s rant.

Nick took Brian and JC back to the den. “I told JC that we’d like to switch places. He doesn’t want us to, because he’s jealous of your friendship with Justin. I’m going to let the two of you work that out.” He left, closing the door.

Brian was stunned. Confused surprise worried his eyes.

JC shook his head, adjusting the bracelets on his wrist, not wanting to have this conversation with this man.

“JC, you know that I would never… I love Drew, I love Nick, all of my emotions are absorbed by them. I love Justin, he’s wonderful, but I’m not sexually attracted to him,” Brian said.

“You’re not,” JC said, not believing him.

“When I was on your tour, I was drawn to him for the same reasons I’m drawn to Nick. He reminded me of Nick, when I was very much without Nick. I don’t know if it was his energy or his strength or his vulnerability.”

“Or maybe it was that he was young and hurt, and you have a savior complex,” JC snapped.

Brian absorbed that hit, and refused to return it. “Or maybe it’s that,” he finally said, not wanting to fight. “But JC, I have a pretty young thing of my own. I don’t want yours. And you know what a big responsibility they are. I’m not prepared to take on two.”

JC was not amused.

Brian tried again. “I can connect with Justin because I have a type, and he has a type, and we happen to match each other’s types. But I already have Nick. I love Nick. I love him every second of every day. Emotionally, everything Nick can’t give me, Drew does, and everything Drew can’t give me, Nick does. Sexually, Justin can’t give me what Drew gives me. And Justin doesn’t have anything to offer that Nick isn’t already giving me. I can tell you right now that Nick and I, our sexuality is so in tune, I am not sexually attracted to Justin, because there is nothing that he can give me. I want to be Justin’s friend. I want to help him. I want to help you and be your friend.”

JC met Brian’s eyes. “If he offered himself to you?”

“I would turn him down as gently as I could. But that’s not going to happen, JC. Justin would get nothing out of being with anyone else. He wouldn’t feel anything, because you make him feel everything. All of the trouble between you, for him, it’s never been a question of him leaving you, and it’s never been a question of whether he’d be better off with someone else. It’s always been a matter of making things work with you, because he can’t even consider not being with you.”

“You don’t want him,” JC said, not trusting.

“I know that you can’t understand that. Justin for you is Nick for me. I’ve put so much effort into pleasuring and satisfying him, that now as addicted as he is to me, I’m addicted to him. I can’t even explain everything I get from him. Simply touching him is an experience. Nick’s sexuality is so rich, and so open to me…” Brian couldn’t describe it. “Justin’s wonderful, he’s very cute, and he’s very sexual. But Nick… Nick’s ruined me. I don’t want Justin.”

“I could’ve had Nick. If I’d wanted him.”

“Maybe,” Brian said, carefully straightening his posture.

JC looked at him. “You can go. You can talk to Justin. Just be careful.”

“This is unnecessary, JC. Justin and I don’t want each other. Nothing’s going to happen. And I don’t care what you try, you can’t seduce Nick. You don’t even want Nick! I don’t want to go to Justin if you’re not going to trust me. This is about building a stronger relationship between you and Justin. How can that happen if the whole time, you’re wondering what he and I are doing? Listen to me. JC, listen to me.” Brian put his hand on JC’s arm. “It wouldn’t matter if Justin were spread naked over my bed, with a red gift bow tied around his chest. I have Nick and Drew, and my sexuality is so tied up in them, Justin’s not even a blip on my radar. For Justin, I could bounce around doing handstands naked, and he wouldn’t notice. I’ve seen men come on to him, very handsome sexually available men, and he hasn’t noticed. He’s oblivious to anyone but you, because he’s so focused on you, so tuned in to you, that when you blink, he feels it. He doesn’t have time for anyone else.”

JC was judging Brian carefully.

“Take a little time and think about it,” Brian said. “Let us know in the morning.”

“So you might be staying,” Chris said to Nick.

“Lucky you,” Nick said, lounging back against the table while Howie loaded the dishwasher.

“Lance is my best friend, and I love him like a brother. Out of curiosity, how do you feel about him?” Chris asked.

“I want to kick his ass. If he touches JC, I will.”

“Good,” Chris said.

“You’re staying?” Nick asked Howie.

“Yes,” Howie said.

“You two can have the guest room, then,” Nick said. “JC and I can hang out on the pull-out down here.”

“I can stay with JC,” Chris said, surprised.

“No, Howie’s here,” Nick said.

“Brian’s here,” Chris said.

“Yeah, but… Howie’s here for you. He’s not spending the night because he likes our house better.”

“You live here. Brian’s here, but he’s about to leave. Shouldn’t you, don’t you want to… I can stay with JC.”

“You could ask JC what he’d rather do,” Howie suggested.

“He’d rather be with Justin,” Nick said.

“Let’s ask him,” Chris said.

“You think he’s going to pick you over me?” Nick asked.

“Yes,” Chris said.

“He’s probably sick of you by now,” Nick said.

“He probably got sick of you the minute you walked in the door,” Chris said.

“He’s been sick of you since you met,” Nick said.

“Don’t,” Howie said to Chris, when Chris opened his mouth for a comeback.

“What, me?” Chris asked. “Why didn’t you tell him to stop?”

“You should be more mature than he is,” Howie said.

“Newborns are more mature than he is,” Chris said.

“Yeah, and I’m more mature than you are, so what does that make you?” Nick asked.

“If he won’t stop, I’m not stopping,” Chris told Howie.

“You suck as a sub,” Nick said.

“I’m not a sub!” Chris exclaimed. “I am not a sub. That’s, I am so not.”

“He’s not,” Howie said to Nick.

Nick snorted. “Then that tattoo’s looking pretty stupid.”

“That’s, shut up. Don’t look at it,” Chris said, covering the side of his neck with one hand.

“Okay, Mr. I’m-Not-a-Sub,” Nick said. “Sure, I’ve got ‘Brian’s Property’ stamped on my ass, but I’m not his sub, either.”

“Does he?” Chris asked Howie.

“No,” Howie said.

“It doesn’t bother you that Howie knows what my naked ass looks like?” Nick asked.

“It didn’t until just now,” Chris said. “Thanks.”

Nick grinned.

“Hey, maybe you can tell me,” Chris said. “Who’s the most well-hung Street?”

“Is he serious?” Nick asked Howie.

“Probably,” Howie said, starting the dishwasher with a hum.

“I am,” Nick said.

“Really?” Chris asked. “You are not.”

“Why do you care?” Nick asked.

“I don’t,” Chris said. “I just, we were talking, and it came up, and… I don’t, I’ve never… In terms of comparison…”

“What’s he babbling about?” Nick asked Howie.

“Can you leave the room?” Chris asked Howie.

“Why?” Nick asked.

Chris put his hands over Howie’s ears and whispered at Nick, “I want to believe that my dick’s bigger than AJ’s, and Lance won’t tell me, and I can’t ask Howie.”

“Oh,” Nick said. “I can’t tell you unless you show me, and I don’t want to see it, so you’re shit out of luck.”

“Damn it.” Chris dropped his hands.

“You’re weird,” Nick said. “Why does it even matter?”

“It doesn’t,” Chris said.

“Obviously,” Nick said.

“Is it true about 98 Degrees?” Chris asked.

Nick grinned. “Absolutely. I was just on their tour and, man, huge. When I first saw Drew, I was like, damn.”

“I should have left the room,” Howie said. “Can we change the subject?”

“We kind of have to, now,” Nick said. “Brian’s coming. Hey,” he said, as Brian came into the kitchen.

“JC’s going to let us know in the morning which one of us is going where,” Brian said.

“He’s thinking about it?” Nick asked. “What’s to think about?”

“It’s an important decision for him,” Brian said.

JC wandered in as though he’d followed Brian for lack of something better to do, leaning against the doorway, gazing at something only he could see.

“You look like you need love,” Nick said.

JC slowly came back to the present.

“Would you rather spend the night with me or Chris?” Nick asked.

“You should be with Brian,” JC said. “Chris should be with Howie.”

“What, like we’re leaving you alone?” Nick asked.

“I don’t want to take you from Brian or Chris from Howie,” JC said.

“Well, you kind of have to, because we’re not letting Lance spend the night with you, and the only person left is, who, Kevin?”

Chris snorted.

“Right,” Nick agreed. “So it’s either me or Chris.”

“I’ll be fine by myself,” JC said.

“That’s not an option,” Brian said gently.

“With the tours, and this, you’ve barely gotten to see each other, any of you,” JC said. “I’m away from Justin, and I don’t want anyone to go through what I’m going through. You should be together.”

“We could take turns,” Nick said. “Half the night.”

“I’m doing it,” Chris said. “He’s my best friend.”

“He’s my best friend, too,” Nick said. “Look, we already know you’re full of shit, Mr. I’m-Not-a-Sub, so I’m not listening to anything you say. I’m staying with JC.”

“Should we be offended that they’re fighting this hard not to be with us?” Brian asked Howie.

“I’m not feeling the love,” Howie admitted.

“You and Brian are going to be separated again,” JC said to Nick. “After tonight, you don’t know when you’ll have another night together. And with Drew away, it’s even more important for you to be together. I’ll be with Chris tonight.”

“Ha!” Chris shouted in triumph. He danced in a circle. “JC likes me better, JC likes me better…”

“Asshole,” Nick said, not meaning it. “So now what? We clean out JC’s head? We watch movies? We play spin the bottle?”

The five of them looked at each other. They weren’t used to hanging out together in this grouping, and they weren’t sure how to pass the time.

“You guys are either in the clubs or acting like idiots. 98 Degrees is either in the gym or watching ESPN. We’re…” Nick turned to Howie. “What do we do?”

“Either crawl around on top of each other, or fight,” Chris said. Everyone looked at him. “What? I’m doing a study.”

“We could…” Brian searched for an idea.

“Truth or dare. Trivial Pursuit. Twister. Monopoly,” Nick suggested.

“We could do each other’s hair and paint each other’s nails,” Chris said. “JC’s polish is really chipped.”

Nick was laughing.

“Let’s go egg Kevin’s house,” Chris said.

“We could,” Nick agreed, grinning.

“I don’t think so,” Brian said.

“Let’s go egg Lance’s house,” Chris said.

“We could,” Nick said again.

“Chris,” JC said.

“What?” Chris asked.

“Let’s get drunk and talk about everybody behind their backs,” Nick said.

“Pedicures,” Chris said.

“We could bake brownies and watch re-runs of ‘Felicity,’” Nick said. “What do guys our age do together?”

“Guys my age drink beer and watch sports,” Chris said. “Guys your age might still play videogames.”

“You play videogames,” JC said.

“I’m immature,” Chris said.

“I’m playing spin the bottle,” Nick said.

“No, you’re not,” Brian said.

“It’s either that or sit around doing JC’s nails, talking about sex, and you don’t like it when I talk about sex in front of other people,” Nick said.

“Have you ever kissed Howie?” Chris asked Nick.

“No,” Nick said. “Why, you want me to?”

“God forbid,” Chris said.

“Do you kiss Howie?” Nick asked.

“Yes,” Chris said. “Sometimes.”

“Are you any good?”

“I’m spectacular,” Chris said.

“I don’t know if Drew or Brian is a better kisser,” Nick said. “They’re so different.”

“You kiss Brian so often, you must be getting something out of it,” Howie said.

“I don’t know, I think Drew has to be better,” Brian said. “His mouth is so… I have no lips.”

“You have lips,” Nick said. “Kevin has no lips.”

“You’ve kissed Kevin?” Chris asked.

“Ew,” Nick said. “That’s horrible. No, thank you. Why do you keep - - do you think we sit around kissing each other when we get bored in the hotels? Do you guys all kiss each other?”

“He kissed Joey,” Howie said.

“Hey!” Chris said. “That is not appropriate conversation material.”

“You kissed Joey?” Nick asked.

“How was it?” Brian asked.

“I’ve had better,” Chris said. “He kissed me like I was a girl. Is it just me, or is kissing guys and kissing girls different?”

“It’s a little different,” Brian said.

“Justin kisses like a girl,” JC said. “Sometimes.”

“Really?” Nick asked.

“I don’t think he knows he’s doing it,” JC said.

“And you like that?” Nick asked.

JC hesitated.

Nick grinned.

JC’s eyes flickered around the room. Chris pretended he wasn’t listening. “It can be sexy,” JC admitted.

“Are you a good kisser?” Nick asked Chris.

“I’m spectacular,” Chris said again. “Why the hell do you ask?”

“I know Brian’s so good it’s insane. I know JC has to be great. I know Howie has to be great. That leaves you.”

“It also leaves you,” Chris said.

“Yeah, but we’re on you now,” Nick said. “Are you any good?”

“What, you want references?” Chris asked.

“He’s very good,” Howie said.

“See?” Chris asked Nick. “I’m very good.”

“Eh,” Nick said. “You don’t look like a good kisser.”

“Neither do - - neither does Brian,” Chris accused.

Brian sighed. “It’s true.”

“Bite me,” Nick said to Chris. “He’s spectacular.”

“I’m spectacular,” Chris said, offended.

“I believe you,” Brian said.

“Thank you,” Chris said.

“Kiss me,” Nick said to Brian.

“Not right now,” Brian said.

“I haven’t been getting my daily Timberlake Chasez sex show, so Nick and Brian are making up for it,” Chris explained to Howie.

“Did I ever thank you for making an attempt to be discreet?” Howie asked Brian.

“Drew kept trying not to do stuff on the bus,” Nick said. “It was weird. I was like, doesn’t everybody have sex on the bus?”

“No,” Chris said.

“Why not?” JC asked.

“Because other people are on there with you,” Howie said.

“So?” Nick asked. “Don’t listen.”

“It was strange, being on the other side for once,” Brian said. “I thought I would get used to it, but it’s hard not to hear it.”

“Justin’s loud,” Chris said. “He’s a screamer.”

“He screams?” Nick asked.

“You scream,” Howie said.

“I do not scream,” Nick said.

“Justin screams,” Chris said. “It sounds kind of like…” He thought about it, then imitated it. “Only louder, and longer, and punctuated with JC’s name.”

“I know I don’t sound like that,” Nick said.

“Sometimes, you do,” Howie said.

“I do not! Girls scream. Justin screams. I don’t scream.”

Brian cleared his throat.

“Don’t you start, now,” Nick said.

“You can get…loud,” Brian said.

“But I don’t scream,” Nick said.

“You have,” Brian said.

“Shut up,” Nick said.

Brian smiled, lowering his gaze, and shut up.

“What else does Justin sound like?” Nick asked Chris.

“If I do my personal rendition of Justin in heat, JC will strike me down,” Chris said.

“Or else he’ll jump you,” Nick said.

“Equally frightening,” Chris said.

“Is this what we’re doing all night?” Nick asked. “Talking about what Justin sounds like when he comes?”

“You started it,” Chris said.

“I vote for a movie,” Brian said.

“Videogames,” Chris said.

“Going to see Justin,” JC said.

“No idea,” Howie said.

“Spin the bottle,” Nick said.

“We are not playing spin the bottle,” Howie said.

“My other choice is Twister, and I don’t think I’d follow the rules,” Nick said.

“Nick, old married men don’t play spin the bottle,” Brian said.

“Who’s an old married man? I’m not old or married. Chris and Howie are old, but they’re not married. JC’s married, but he isn’t a man. That just leaves you,” Nick said.

“Yes, that just leaves me, and I say, we’re watching a movie,” Brian said.

“Boring,” Nick said.

“You, Drew, and I sit around watching movies all of the time,” Brian said.

“That’s different and you know it,” Nick said.

“How is that different?” Chris asked.

“You put the three of us on a couch together, we watch more of each other’s asses than we watch the movie. You figure, the regular guy sitting there with his girlfriend would try to get some. Multiply that by two, because we’re dealing with other guys, not a girl, so we already know we’re more likely to get it if we try for it. Then multiply that by three. One time we didn’t make it past the opening credits.”

“We should watch movies together at home,” Chris said to Howie.

“JC, do you want to pick what we watch?” Brian asked.

“Do you have On the Line?” JC asked.

“Hell, no,” Nick said.

“Do you have Longshot?”

“Fuck, no,” Nick said. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Justin’s in them,” Chris said. “I guess Model Behavior is out of the question.”

“We don’t have any Justin movies,” Nick said. “If you start asking about, what is it, Madison Square Garden and that shit, I’ll have to hit you. JC, you’re my dog, I love you, but we don’t have any *NSYNC videos or CD’s or anything in this house. We’re normal people who like good music.”

“Justin’s in On the Line?” Brian asked.

“At the end,” Howie said.

“How would you know?” Chris asked.

“I’ve seen it,” Howie said.

“Why?” Chris asked, bewildered.

Howie kissed Chris’s cheek, close to his ear, and followed Nick into the TV room.

“Oh,” Chris said, and turned red.

JC sat on the long couch curving along the length of the wall. Chris and Nick argued over movies. Brian made popcorn. Howie watched JC suck on the knuckle of his left hand ring finger. No, not the knuckle. The wedding band and engagement ring.

After Chris and Nick got into a shoving match over Happy Gilmore versus T2, Brian asked JC, “What’s Justin’s favorite movie right now?”

“The Matrix,” JC said, and smiled softly.

Brian put in The Matrix and made Chris and Nick sit down. Chris took JC’s left; Nick took his right. Howie sat on Chris’s other side; Brian sat beside Nick.

Chris asked JC, “Do you want me to recite all of the lines like Justin does?”

“No, that’s okay,” JC said.

“That’s so annoying,” Nick said.

“You do it,” Howie said.

“Yeah, and one of you guys always reaches over and smacks me and tells me to shut up,” Nick said.

“This is weird,” Chris said.

“What is?” Howie asked.

“Justin’s not here. Justin’s always here. I mean, when we watch movies. And the last two, three…four…ten? The last twenty or so movies we’ve watched, JC and Justin didn’t even see the end of, because halfway through they started making out. We’ve even stopped kicking them out, we just let them go ahead.”

Nick put his arm around JC.

“Every time the white rabbit comes onscreen, Justin says that with all of the effort they put into this movie, all of the special effects, all of the intelligent work, how could they have put the lamest, ugliest tattoo ever onto this poor woman’s shoulder,” JC said.

“That’s not what he says,” Chris said. “Let’s be honest, now, JC.”

“What does he say?” Nick asked.

“He says that it’s the worst tattoo since I got this dragon on my leg.”

“He doesn’t mean it,” JC said.

“He says it every time we watch this movie,” Chris said.

“The first time he complained about the white rabbit, you were sitting with your leg up, and your tattoo was right there, and he just said it because it was in his direct line of vision,” JC explained. “Now it’s just tradition.”

“Can I see it?” Nick asked.

“No,” Chris said.

“I like it,” Howie said.

“It’s too late, my feelings are hurt,” Chris said.

JC shifted sideways, leaning back into Nick.

“Do you get affectionate with anyone within reaching distance?” Chris asked Nick.

“Everyone I like,” Nick said.

“Glad you don’t like me,” Chris said.

“Yeah, you’re safe,” Nick said. Brian was curling up against his back, against his other side, and he turned his head; Brian fed him popcorn. “You look tired,” Nick said softly.

“I’m okay,” Brian said, just as softly, feeding him again, touching his lips.

“You sure?” Nick asked.

“Yeah,” Brian said.

“You want to call Drew? Tell him I’m here?”

Brian smiled. “Are you trying to get rid of me?”

“You look tired and stressed out.”

Brian kissed him. “I’m fine. Watch Keanu.”

Not satisfied, but willing to play along for now, Nick turned back to the screen. “I can see it now. Morpheus offers JC the pills. Blue or red, blue or red. JC asks, ‘Don’t you have pink?’”

Howie turned his laugh into a polite cough.

“Justin never liked Trinity,” JC said. “She’s too dramatic.”

“Are you watching the movie, or are you sitting there thinking about Justin?” Chris asked.

“The first time he let me braid his hair, we were watching The Matrix,” JC said.

“How’d you do?” Nick asked.

“I’d gotten one of our stylists, Christine, to teach me how to do it,” JC said. “That first time wasn’t great, but it wasn’t that bad.”

“Remind me,” Nick said. “Did you tell him you loved him before you kissed him, before you had sex with him, or after?”

“Before I kissed him,” JC said. “Before he kissed me,” he corrected himself.

“You, Kirkpatrick, what about you?” Nick asked.

“Oh, I told Justin I loved him before I had sex with him,” Chris said. “It was very romantic. A touching, tender little moment-”

“I’m talking about Howie,” Nick said.

“Why should I tell you?” Chris asked.

“Because JC’s not watching the movie, so I’m distracting him with stupid conversation, so he won’t sit around feeling like shit all night being lonely.”

“Oh,” Chris said. “What was the question?”

“Did you tell Howie you loved him before you kissed him, after you kissed him, or after you had sex?”

“After,” Chris said. “Right?” he asked Howie.

“Technically, no,” Howie said.

“What?”

“You said it a few times during,” Howie said.

“During what?” Chris asked.

Howie whispered in his ear.

“Oh,” Chris said. “Oh.” The glow of the TV revealed a swift blush burning his cheeks.

“What about you?” JC asked Nick.

“Me?” Nick asked. “I told Brian I loved him before we did anything. I had to convince him. Drew, I kissed him and did some stuff before I told him I loved him. I didn’t even know I was ready to say it until it was out there. When I said it, it came out so easily, and I knew what I was feeling, but I didn’t think I was ready for that. With someone else,” Nick explained. “Who wasn’t Brian.”

“I can’t imagine loving anyone else but Justin,” JC said.

“Life is pretty weird,” Nick agreed. “I never would have guessed a lot of this stuff would happen to me.”

“Life is bizarre,” Chris said.

“Who has a phone?” Nick asked.

Howie passed one down to him.

“You’re calling Drew?” Chris asked.

“I’m calling Joey,” Nick said.

“You two have something going on the side?” Chris asked.

“Yeah, he’s definitely my type,” Nick said. “What’s his number?”

“Give me that,” Chris said, taking it from him. Chris dialed.

Nick kissed JC’s temple.

Brian muted the TV.

“Hey, it’s Chris,” Chris said. “How’s everything going?”

“Give me,” Nick said, reaching for the phone.

Chris smacked Nick’s hands away. “Yeah, we’re fine here. We’re watching The Matrix and pining for Justin. How’s he doing?”

Nick felt JC’s heart race under his hand.

“Is he?” Chris asked. “Can we hear? Yeah. Yeah.” He handed the phone to JC. “Here, listen. Justin’s sleeping.”

JC grabbed the phone from Chris’s hand, gripping it tightly, pressing it to his ear. He held his breath, closing his eyes, listening intently.

Howie held Chris’s hand.

“Baby,” JC whispered. “Justin, I love you.”

Brian kissed Nick’s shoulder.

“Baby, please,” JC whispered. Chris watched an intense spasm of pain cross his face. “Justin…” His voice betrayed his agony.

Nick wondered what would happen if Justin wakened.

Suddenly, JC rejected the phone, thrusting it at Chris before pulling away from Nick, rising and moving across the room. Joey was back on the line; Chris thanked him and hung up.

“What is it?” Nick asked JC, approaching him slowly.

“He’s asleep,” JC said. “He’s sleeping.”

“So?” Nick asked.

“Without me!” JC shouted, pivoting quickly. “He’s sleeping without me! He’s fine, he’s safe and comfortable and asleep! He’s fine without me! He’s as calm and as deeply asleep as if he were in my arms, but he’s not in my arms!”

“It should be that way,” Nick said. “Justin should be able to sleep without you.”

“He doesn’t need me anymore!” JC yelled. “Justin doesn’t need me anymore! If he doesn’t need me, what does that mean, what has all of this been for? My life is dedicated to him, and he doesn’t even need me anymore!”

“That means you’re going to have to find a life of your own,” Nick said. “What is it, that thing, when kids grow up and parents have no lives?”

“Empty nest syndrome,” Chris said.

“That’s it,” Nick said. “You dedicated yourself to Justin, you were there for everything he ever needed, but now he doesn’t need you as much. You have to start giving him space and taking care of yourself.”

“He can live without me,” JC said. “How can he do this, how can he live without me? I can’t live without him.”

“Yes, you can. You have been,” Nick said. “JC, Justin still loves you. He’s still going to be married to you and living with you and letting you screw him every day. He’s just not dependent on you for every little thing. That’s good. It gives him back some of that independence and freedom he had when you fell in love with him.”

“I should be there, with him, taking care of him,” JC said.

“Why?” Nick asked. “He can feed himself, dress himself, masturbate, he’s fine. He can spend a day without you. He’ll miss you, but that just means that when he comes home, you get to have reunion sex.”

“What if he wakes up and needs me and I’m not there?”

“Then he’ll miss you and be really happy to see you when he gets home,” Nick said. “Justin still loves you. He loves you just as much as he did last time you saw him. You still love him like no one else can, and you still can take better care of him than anyone else can. You just have to realize that he’s his own person. You’re your own person. You can’t neglect yourself for him. He doesn’t even want that. That’s why he wanted you to get a hobby, remember? To do stuff for yourself? Like the Fools, that’s a whole project, and you love it, and you’re excited about it. Do your own things. Have your own life.”

“What if he thinks I don’t love him enough? What if I don’t give him enough attention?”

“Justin is in no danger of being neglected,” Chris said.

“I can’t, I can’t,” JC said, shaking his head, stepping back. “I can’t do this.”

“You don’t have a choice,” Nick said. “Justin’s learning independence. You can’t pull him back to you, that’s not fair, that’s cruel, I know you wouldn’t hurt him like that. All you can do is learn how to let him go.”

“I can’t,” JC said. “I can’t, I can’t, I love him, I love him…”

“I know,” Nick said, hugging JC, letting JC cling to him. “I know you love him. He knows you love him. You can find new ways to show him. New ways to show him you love him. I know you’ll like that.”

“I love him, I love him…”

“I know. It’s okay. Justin knows.”

“I love him, I love him, I love him…”

matthew@matthewtime.com
"Where You Belong" Part 36
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