Copyright April 2, 2002-August 18, 2003 by Matthew Haldeman-Time

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Thus far we've had JC/Justin, Nick/Drew/Brian, Nick/Jeff, Nick/Drew/Brian/Nick/Jeff, AJ/Lance, AJ/Howie, AJ/Kevin, Chris/Howie, and partridge/pear tree.

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashwriters.

Wherein Drew won't go behind Brian's back, AJ can screw anybody he wants, and could JC be mellowing?

Notice: First, read "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," "Rest in Peace," "Destiny," and "Together." I know it sounds like a lot, but it'll only take you an hour or two.

        Justin was on his back, eyes closed, hands above his head on the pillow, cuffed to the headboard.

        “Justin,” Joey said.  “Justin, if you love JC, if you want to keep him, you need to get your act together and show us that you’re okay, so you can get out of here and back to him.”

        No response.

        “You can’t waste time feeling sorry for yourself.  You can’t waste time acting out.  You have to get back to him.”

        Nothing.

        “What did Lance do to you?  What happened when he was in here with you?”

        Nothing.

        “Lance left, Justin.  He went home.”

        Nothing.

        “JC loves you.  You have to get yourself together so you can show the world how good you two have it.”

        “What’s the deal behind strawberry, anyway?” Chris asked.  “I caught Justin trying to buy strawberry lip gloss.  Was it just the wild passionate Kool-Aid frenzy?”

        “There’s more to it than that?” Brian asked.

        JC gave Brian a long, calculating look.

        Brian let himself be measured.

        “What does Nick taste like to you?” JC asked.

        “Sex,” Brian said.  “Sin.  Warm sunlight.  Fresh ocean air.  Love.  Cherries.”

        “Strawberries are…special to us,” JC said.  “We have very intimate associations.  Justin’s been choosing things in strawberry as his favorite flavor.  When he kisses me after he’s been drinking something strawberry, I can taste it on him.  And especially ever since we made love that day…  The sweat, the sugar, the Kool-Aid on his skin, the taste of it on him, the streaks of it like traces of my love, everywhere my hands had been, everywhere my tongue had been…”

        “How can he taste like sunlight?” Chris asked.

        Brian just smiled.

        “What does Howie taste like?” JC asked.

        “That’s kind of personal,” Chris said.

        JC and Brian looked at him.

        “Okay, so we’re all sharing, but it’s still a personal question.  I don’t know, anyway.  He tastes like Howie.  He’s all…sweet and spicy.”  Chris jiggled his foot and toyed with his empty glass.

        “What does Drew taste like?” JC asked.

        “Trust,” Brian said.

        “Trust is not a taste,” Chris said.

        “Purple,” Brian said.

        “Purple isn’t a taste!  Grape is a taste.  Purple is a color.”

        “He tastes more like a man,” Brian said.

        “More compared to what?” Chris asked.

        “More compared to before.  And compared to Nick.  More of the sweat of a man and the musk of a man.  Nick’s…younger.”

        JC, official taster of the youngest member of *NSYNC, nodded.

        “Purple,” Chris said.  “Plums?  Raisins?”

        “I can’t explain it,” Brian said.

        “I wonder what I taste like,” Chris said, and licked his forearm.  “Hairy.”

        Brian licked his forearm, too.  “Boring.”

        JC smiled.

        “Tastes like chicken,” Chris decided.

        “Justin’s bag,” Kevin said, handing it over.  “Why is your car the only one outside?”

        “Lance went home.”

        “He what?” Kevin asked.

        “He had Sentimental Fools business to attend to.”

        “I’m sure he did,” Kevin said.  A silent look passed between them.  “How’s Justin?”

        “Going through pity-me dramatics.  I’m going to get on his case.  I’ve been distracted, but I’m over it.  I was going to go home, but now the Basstard’s screwed that up for me.  I don’t know if I want to leave Joey alone with Justin.”

        “It’s probably not a good idea,” Kevin said.

        “How’s JC?”

        “Up and down.  He’s keeping it together pretty well.  He really seems to need the support of his friends.”

        Nick walked Kevin into the kitchen, which was marginally less public, and shifted nervously.

        “Brian’s fine,” Kevin said.

        Nick’s eyes rose to Kevin’s face.

        “He’s fine,” Kevin repeated.

        “He’s been so weird lately.”

        “He’s had a moment or two, but he’s all right.  He misses you.”

        “I miss him, too.”

        Kevin tipped up Nick’s chin.  “Don’t let Justin get to you.”

        “I won’t.  I’m not.”

        “I really think that you and Brian should switch patients.”

        “Why?”

        “There are too many similarities between you and Justin, and Brian and JC.  It might be better for you to talk to JC from Justin’s point of view, than for you to be here with Justin, listening to his insanity, starting to doubt Brian the way Justin doubts JC.”

        “What would you know about it?”

        “I may be straight and sane, but I do pay attention,” Kevin said.

        Nick grinned.  “Straight, my gay ass.”

        Kevin gave a gentle, affectionate push to the side of Nick’s head.  “My sexuality is my business.”

        “Right, sure.  So JC’s holding it together, Brian’s holding it together, you’re sane and straight…  Things are looking up.”

        “Yes, they are,” Kevin agreed.  “Be good.  Try not to pick any fights.”

        “Me?”

        “Give me a hug so I can go,” Kevin said, pulling Nick closer.

        “Thanks for playing deliveryman,” Nick said, embracing Kevin.

        “You’re welcome,” Kevin said.

        Nick let go.  “You might want to talk to Howie.”

        “Howie?”

        “He and I had a little talk.  I’ll let him fill you in.  You tend to take everything I say the wrong way.”

        Kevin raised an eyebrow.

        “What, I didn’t say that wasn’t my fault,” Nick said.

        Kevin relented.  “I’ll talk to Howie.”

        “I’m jealous,” JC said.

        “Of what?” Chris asked.

        “Justin’s affection for him.”

        “Justin’s - - they’re friends.  Justin has lots of friends.”

        JC shook his head.  “That’s different.  This is different.  Justin…likes him.”

        “You really are crazy,” Chris said.  “You know there isn’t a person in existence who poses a threat to what you and Justin have.”

        “The way they…”

        “Do you honestly think that Brian has any intention of putting a move on Justin?  Making a pass?  Trying to get in his bed?”

        “No,” JC said.  “Brian would never do that.”

        “Then it’s not Brian you don’t trust, it’s Justin.  You can’t be jealous of Justin for having friends, JC.  Justin’s ridiculously likeable.  We all know everybody loves Brian.  Of course they get along well.  But that has nothing to do with Justin’s feelings for you.  Justin isn’t jealous of you and Nick, and half the time Nick’s going around telling people you two have something going on.”

        “Justin knows I would never-”

        “Then why don’t you have the kind of trust in Justin that he has in you?” Chris asked.

        “My level of commitment is higher than his.  My focus is different.”

        “Justin has never given you a reason to be jealous.”

        “No,” JC said.  “He hasn’t.”

        “Then what’s wrong?” Chris asked.

        “I’ve never believed that I would be the one he stayed with,” JC said.  “I’ve tried to absorb as much of him as I can and experience as much of him as I can, while I have the chance.”

        “Why would he ever leave you?” Chris asked.

        “To experience new things.  New people.”

        “Do you want to experience new people?”

        “No, but I’m so devoted to Justin, other people don’t mean much to me.  Not in comparison.”

        “But you think they do, to him.”

        “I think that if they don’t already, they will.  He’ll get bored.  He’ll realize I’m stifling him.”

        “You have no evidence for any of this.  This is nothing but your own paranoia.  Justin doesn’t want you to think this way.”

        JC shook his head.

        Brian came back in, sitting with them again.  “You all right?” he asked JC.

        JC nodded briefly.

        Chris glared at JC.  Stupid.  Just plain stupid.

        “I’m all right,” JC said, giving in to Chris.

        “Tell Brian what you told me,” Chris said.  Brian had been doing a good job of demonstrating his trust in JC by sharing personal things, and Chris wanted JC to respect that.

        “Why don’t you tell him?” JC asked.

        Snooty bastard.  “He’s been spending time waiting for Justin to leave him,” Chris said.  “He’s just passing the days waiting for Justin to get tired of him and move on to greener pastures.”

        “Has Justin indicated that he’ll do that?” Brian asked.  “Has he acted like he may leave you one day?”

        “No,” JC said.

        “Then you’re guessing.”

        Ooohhh, JC didn’t like that one.  His eyes narrowed and his body tensed and his voice got tight.  “I don’t guess anything where Justin is concerned.  I know him.”

        “I thought I knew everything about Nick, too, but I didn’t.  He’s a lot stronger than I gave him credit for.  It turns out the one I doubted was myself.”

        “Come upstairs,” JC said to Chris, getting to his feet.

        They were walking away from Brian in Brian’s own house?  “JC,” Chris said, standing along with Brian.

        “Do you want Justin to leave you?” Brian asked.  “Do you think that maybe he should?  Do you think that you don’t love him enough?”

        “I am hurting him!” JC shouted.  “I am destroying him!  You’ve seen it, everyone knows it.  He knows it, too.”

        “It doesn’t have to be that way,” Brian said.  “It can be good.  You can lift each other up.  You can be so good for him, JC.  So good.”

        “I don’t know how else to love him!”

        “Work on it with me,” Brian said.  “Let me help you.  Help me.  We can figure it out.”

        “I thought you had all of the answers,” JC snapped.

        “Right now I don’t think I have very many answers at all,” Brian said.  “All I know is, I have a gorgeous husband and a beautiful fiance, and I owe it to them to get it right.”

        JC, half-turned away, said nothing.

        “Howie said hello,” Brian said, touching Chris’s sleeve to get his attention.

        The abrupt introduction of Howie to the conversation sent a warm rush through Chris.  “Really?”

        Brian smiled.  “Yes.  He called to let us know that Lance is coming back.  Unfinished Fools business.”

        Chris looked at Brian.

        Brian met his gaze levelly.

        “Are we together on this?” Chris asked.  He wasn’t infatuated with Brian, didn’t want to be life-long bosom buddies, was willing to leave all of that to Joey and Justin.  But he did believe that he and Brian could be allies.  He thought that he could trust Brian on this score.  And Brian probably had the balls to stick it to Lance, whereas the rest of them had, so far, failed.  Chris personally had weak spots for Lance, weak spots that had kept him from doing what needed to be done, and so did Joey and JC and Justin.  Brian didn’t.

        “I’m with you,” Brian said.

        JC came back to earth.  “What?”

        “Lance,” Chris said.  “He’s coming back.”

        “With Justin?”

        “No,” Brian said.  “For the Sentimental Fools.  Something about Jive and paperwork.”

        “He’s seen Justin,” JC said.  “He just left Justin.”

        “Yes,” Chris said.  “That is correct.”

        “I have to talk to him,” JC said.  “I have to-”

        “I’m sure he’ll come over,” Chris said.  “He’ll come by.  You can talk to him.”

        “Where is he?  Is he in town now?” JC asked.

        “I’ll call him and find out,” Chris said.  “Okay?”

        “Ask him how Justin is,” JC said.

        “Okay,” Chris said.  “Don’t explode.”  He took the phone Brian handed to him, and called Lance’s cell.

        “Lance.”

        “It’s Chris.  Where are you?”

        “Where am I?” Lance repeated.

        “Yep,” Chris said.

        “I’m at Jive.  What do you want?”

        “I want you to come by Brian’s and tell us how Justin is.”  It was frustrating and painful that Lance was willing to be this openly hostile towards him, but at the same time, it was almost refreshing.  He knew where Lance stood, and Lance knew where he stood, and Lance was willing to be honest with him, at least as honest as Lance would be with anyone at the moment.

        “Do you have that phone number for me?”

        Chris regulated his breathing.  “I’ve been working on it.”

        “Get it,” Lance said.

        “We can discuss it later.”

        “We will,” Lance said, and hung up.

        “He didn’t give me a firm date for his arrival,” Chris said, handing the phone back to Brian.

        “How’s Justin?” JC asked.

        “He didn’t say,” Chris said.

        “Justin’s fine,” Brian said.  “Nick and Joey would let us know if anything were wrong.”

        “You know Joey wouldn’t let anything happen to Justin,” Chris said.  He realized that he’d left Nick out of that one, which probably sounded rude, so he added, “And I’m sure Nick’s, you know, a great guy, so…”  Should’ve stopped while he was ahead.

        Brian laughed.  “Nick’s not going to baby Justin, but he will take care of him.  He might not want to help Justin for Justin’s sake, but he’d do anything for you, JC, you know that.”

        “Have you ever been jealous of Nick and JC’s friendship?” Chris asked out of the blue.

        “No,” Brian said, sounding surprised.  Then he frowned.  “Well, to be honest, yes, but only when I wasn’t with Nick myself.  When we’d broken up, and he was becoming very close to JC, I’ll admit, I was jealous.  But never while we were together.  Nick’s extremely loyal, and I’ve never worried that he’d cheat.  And once JC discovered Justin...”  Brian smiled.  “I don’t think anyone has ever given thought to JC cheating on Justin.”

        “Were you ever jealous of the friendship itself?  Of Nick giving his time and…affection to someone else?”

        “No,” Brian said.  “Nick is a great friend, and JC’s lucky to have him.  I’m glad that Nick has such a good friend as JC, someone he can talk to, someone who understands him.  I think that Nick and JC are honest with each other and deal plainly with each other, and it’s important for them to have that.  As for affection, it’s in Nick’s nature to hang all over someone he has love for, and anyone would be a fool not to soak that up.”

        Chris stared.  “You’re really not jealous at all, are you?”

        “No,” Brian said.  “I know the place I hold in Nick’s heart.  I’m willing to share him.”  He smiled.  “To a point.”

        Damn.  Chris respected that.  He tapped JC.  “Were you listening to that?  That’s how you should sound.  That’s the way you should think.”

        “It’s easy for him to talk,” JC said.  “He has Nick, Drew, Joey, Justin, everyone eating out of his hand.”

        “Justin eats out of your hand,” Chris said.  “Literally.  I’ve seen him do it.  Joey eats out of your hand, too.  Again, literally.  If a man is willing to let you feed him by hand, I think you have his affection.”  He mused.  “I’d like to eat out of Howie’s hand.”

        “He who feeds you sustains your life,” Brian said.

        Chris gave him a wary look.

        “Sorry,” Brian said.

        “Do you get this stuff off of the top of your head at random?” Chris asked.

        “Yeah,” Brian said.

        “You’d think you’d write better songs,” Chris said.

        “I’ve been mildly successful,” Brian said with a modest smile.

        “Right.  How many top ten hits have you had?” Chris asked.

        “Besides ‘Larger Than Life?’” Brian asked.

        He’d written that?  “Yeah, besides that,” Chris said.

        “Besides ‘The One?’” Brian asked.

        Well, damn it.  “Yeah, besides that,” Chris said.

        “Besides-”

        “Stop,” JC said.  “Chris, stop teasing him.”

        “Is he for real?” Chris asked.

        “Yes,” JC said.  “We looked over each other’s song-writing credits before we started working together.  He’s done all right for himself.”

        “Glad you approve,” Brian said with a smile.

        “Stop glopping up the airwaves with your dreck and give Howie a chance,” Chris said.

        “All right, I’ll try to stop writing top ten singles,” Brian said.

        “Good,” Chris said.  “You do that.”

        “He’s completely withdrawn,” Joey said.

        “Then let’s undraw him,” Nick said, and held out his phone.  “I’m making the call.”

        “Am I supposed to try to stop you?” Joey asked.

        “No,” Nick said, dialing.

        “This whole idea was Lance’s suggestion,” Joey said.

        “Feeling kind of like a pawn, a fool, and a general idiot?” Nick asked.

        “Yes,” Joey said.

        “I figure, maybe he set this whole thing up for his own little games,” Nick said.  “That’s done.  We can still make something good come from it.  Wouldn’t it get Lance good if this actually worked and we actually got JC and Justin to be good for each other?”

        Joey had to admit, it sounded good.  “I keep forgetting you’re not such a bad guy.”

        “You need to work on giving compliments, if that’s the best you have,” Nick said.  “Hey, angel, let me talk to JC.”  He ran his fingers through his hair while he waited.  “Hey, JC.  It’s Nick.  How are you doing?  Yeah, everything’s great here.  Joey says hi.  I’m trying to ask you how you are.  Missing your sex toy?  He’s right here, I think you should talk to him.  But JC.  JC.  Listen to me.  I want you to stick to a script.  No running off saying random shit that’ll hurt his little feelings.  Tell him you love him, you miss him, and you can’t wait until he comes home.  Got that?  Repeat it.  Good, again.  Got it?  You’re sure.  Okay.  Here goes.”  Nick knelt on the bed, putting the phone to Justin’s ear, his hand over Justin’s mouth.

        There had been no reaction to Nick’s touch, but a moment later, Justin’s eyes shot open.

        “Ah, you are alive in there,” Nick said.  “Ouch!  Holy shit!”  He yanked his hand back.

        “JC!” Justin screamed.  “JC!  JC!  JC!”

        “Sorry, gotta go,” Nick said to JC, and hung up.

        “JC!” Justin screamed.  “JC!  JC!”

        “You, Timberlake, get your access to phone calls revoked.  People who bite don’t get to talk to their husbands, you got me?  Maybe if you can get control of yourself next time, you’ll get to stay on the line.”

        “JC!”  Justin was thrashing, kicking, trying to wrench himself free.  “Josh!  Let me go, you motherfucking-”

        Nick’s phone rang.  Without looking, he tossed it to Joey.  “You handle this one.”

        “You fucking assholes, let me go!  He was calling me to him!  He was-”

        “Hello?” Joey asked, finger in his ear, backing out into the hallway.

        “What the hell just happened?” Chris asked.

        Joey winced.  He could hear JC screaming in the background.  “I think Nick wanted to provoke Justin.”

        “Oh, that’s great,” Chris said.  “Tell him if he pulls a stunt like that again, he’s - - shit!  Gotta go.”

        “Chris.  Chris!”  Chris was gone.  Great.  Joey hung up.  Justin was still kicking and screaming.  “Happy?” Joey asked Nick, back in the room.

        “Yes,” Nick said.  “Justin, what did JC say?  What did he say to you?  What are you so upset about?”

        “You let me go!” Justin shouted.  “You let me go now!  JC was calling for me and I have to go to him!”

        “You think he’d want you like this?  Violent and psychotic?” Nick asked.

        “JC wants me any way I am!  JC doesn’t care what I’m doing as long as I’m me!  Now let me go!”

        “Oh, that’s interesting,” Nick said, nodding.  “Kind of like Mr. Rogers or somebody.  Loves you just the way you are, loves you for being yourself.”

        “JC wants me in his arms, he wants to have me back, I have to go to him now!  Now!  You uncuff me, Carter!  Joey, Joey, come on, Joey, let me fucking go!”

        “If you could be with JC right now, how would you be?” Nick asked.  “How would it go?”

        “That’s none of your business!”

        “I have the key to the handcuffs.  Whatever I want to know is my business,” Nick said.

        Justin tensed and stilled, looking at them without trust.

        “You feel like talking?” Nick asked.

        “Bite me,” Justin said.  “Where’s Lance?”

        “Lance went home,” Joey said.

        Justin stared at him.

        “Yeah,” Joey said.

        The look in Justin’s eyes was dangerous.  “What do I have to do to get out of here?”

        “Show us that you love JC enough to be good for him and good to him.  Show us that you can handle your emotions and you know how to be a supportive partner.  As soon as both you and JC show us that, you get to go home.”

        Justin slowly inhaled, then even more slowly exhaled.  “JC wants me to come home to him.”

        “I’m sure he does,” Nick said.

        “I’m going home to him,” Justin said.

        “I hope it’s soon,” Nick said.

        “He’ll be true to me,” Justin said.  “I know he’ll be true to me.”

        “Of course he will,” Nick said.  “JC’s dick only works around you.”

        “Do you know how much JC loves me?” Justin asked.

        Nick looked at Joey; Joey shrugged.  “No?” Nick guessed.

        “Enough for me to feel it,” Justin said.  “I can’t see him or hear him, but I feel him.  He’s sending his love to me.”

        “That’s nice,” Joey said.

        “I want to be alone,” Justin said.

        “That’s not a good idea,” Nick said.

        “I want to be alone!” Justin shouted.

        “Temper tantrums won’t help your cause,” Nick said.

        “Why do you want to be alone?” Joey asked.

        “You’re crowding me.  I want to be alone with JC.”

        “I could sit in the hallway, right outside the door,” Joey offered.

        “I don’t trust him,” Nick said.

        “I’ll be right outside the door,” Joey said to Justin.  “Call me if you want anything.”

        “If he hurts himself, it’s on you,” Nick said.

        Chris credited himself with saving the day.  JC had gotten almost as far as the front door when Chris had been the victim of a sudden flash of inspiration.  He’d scooped Justin’s diamond earrings from his pocket and put his hand in front of JC’s face.

        JC had gone still and silent so abruptly it had been like flicking a switch.  Then, slowly, he’d reached out and taken the earrings from Chris’s hand.  Only then had he let go of the phone, to which he’d been clinging as his last link to Justin.

        Gently, Chris had steered JC back into the living room, away from the door.  Then he’d checked on Brian, who had a cut on one elbow and a bump on the back of his head.

        “Next time, we’re buying tables with round edges,” Brian said, cradling his elbow.  “Justin’s?” he guessed, looking at what JC held.

        “Yeah,” Chris said.

        “He likes me, but he doesn’t trust me,” Brian said.  “I don’t know why.”

        “He’s stupid,” Chris said.  “I’m making sure he gets over it.”

        “Thanks,” Brian said, smiling.

        “No problem,” Chris said.

        Justin closed his eyes and concentrated.

        He knew how to get free.  He’d done it before.  JC had shown him the way.  But how to get out?  How to get back to JC?

        There had been two cars.  Lance must have taken his back.  That left Nick’s.  He had to get Nick’s keys.  Were they on Nick’s body?  Or somewhere around the house?

        He’d do it.  He’d find his way home.  He’d get back to JC.

        He had to.  That was where JC wanted him.

        Decoration for Justin’s beauty.

        These small pieces of jewelry had pierced Justin’s flesh.  Gone in, through, and out the other side.  For hours on end.  Days on end.

        “Pierce my ears,” JC said.

        “What?” Chris asked.

        “I want to have my ears pierced.”

        “No, you don’t,” Chris said.

        “Yes, I do,” JC said.  “I want to wear these.”

        “Why?” Brian asked, sitting beside him.

        “They were in Justin.  I want them in me.”

        “You want a part of him with you?” Brian asked.

        “Yes,” JC said.  “They’re real diamonds, he only wears real diamonds now.”

        “Now, since when?” Brian asked.

        “Since I threw away all of the fake stuff and bought him new, real ones.”

        “Because Justin deserves only the best,” Brian said for him.

        “Yes,” JC said.

        “So, hmm, I brought this for you,” Chris said, dropping a bag onto the floor, sitting on JC’s other side, leaning down to rummage through it.  “Let’s see, got undies, you’ll want those, I know I threw a razor in here, you’re getting kind of stubbly, and if you’re going to keep rubbing up against me I’m going to ask you to take care of that, because I don’t appreciate that from anyone but Howie.  What else, what else…”

        JC snatched something from the bag, lightning-quick, and clutched it to his chest.

        “Oh, how did that get in there?” Chris asked, scratching his head.

        “Justin’s?” Brian asked.

        “Gosh, I must be a really bad packer,” Chris said.

        Brian smiled.  “Or a really good friend.”

        JC was smelling Justin’s shirt.

        “Yeah, you know, either or,” Chris said.

        JC stripped out of his own shirt and pulled on Justin’s.

        “Let me guess,” Chris said to Brian.  “You wear Nick’s shirts, too.”

        “I have,” Brian said.

        “I’ve never worn Howie’s clothes,” Chris said.

        “You should try it,” Brian said.  “It feels good.”

        “It’s a little…girly for me.  Girls wear their boyfriend’s clothes.  Men don’t wear their wives’s clothes.  Well, they do, if they’re transvestites, but I’m not a transvestite.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

        “‘You Drive Me Crazy,’” JC said.

        “What?” Chris asked.  “Oh, hell, that doesn’t count.”

        “You made a very pretty woman,” JC said.

        “How many women do you know with back hair?” Chris asked.

        JC laughed.

        “Poor Howie,” Brian said.

        “Maybe I am a woman,” Chris said.  “I wax so my boyfriend will find me attractive.”

        “The things we do for love,” Brian said with a sigh.

        “What sacrifices have you made for love?” Chris challenged.

        Brian laughed.  “I love Nick with all of my heart, but some days I feel like I’m picking up after a three-year-old.  Nick never runs the dishwasher, never does the laundry, doesn’t know how to run the vacuum, hasn’t scrubbed a toilet in his life, never cleans out the sink after he shaves, leaves wet towels wherever he’s finished with them, leaves his dirty clothes wherever he’s standing when he takes them off…  Drew actually taught him to put things back in the refrigerator.  I’d given up on it.  Nick says if we’re tired of picking up after him, we should just move to a bigger house and hire a maid to do it.”

        “What about Drew?” Chris asked.

        “He’s perfect,” Brian said.

        “Perfect,” Chris said.

        “Perfect,” Brian agreed.

        “Drew can’t be perfect,” Chris said.  “Howie’s perfect.”

        “All right,” Brian said.  “One flaw.  One thing I overlook for love.”

        “What is it?” JC asked.

        “Just between us,” Brian said.

        “Doctor-patient confidentiality,” Chris agreed.

        “When I kiss Nick, all I have to do is lean in and kiss him.  When I kiss Drew, there’s a little more…  You have to get the right angle.”

        “The nose,” Chris said.

        JC laughed.

        “The nose,” Brian agreed.  “Drew is a very handsome man, I will never say otherwise.  But the nose requires a little manuevering.”

        “Nick makes up for it,” JC said.  “Nick has a cute nose.”

        “He does,” Brian said, smiling.

        “Cuter than Justin’s?” Chris asked JC.

        “Of course not,” JC said.

        Chris snorted.  “JC, your baby has got a honker on him.”

        Brian burst out laughing.

        “I’ll admit, it’s easy not to notice,” Chris said.  “I forget about it, myself.  Then he turns at the right angle and whoa, there it is.”

        “Blasphemy,” JC said.

        “Then again, yours isn’t all that cute, either,” Chris said.

        JC rubbed his nose.  “No, maybe not.  But Justin’s is very cute,” he said, dropping his hand.

        Chris snorted again.

        “Let’s talk about Howie’s,” JC suggested with a gleam in his eye.

        “Oh, don’t you start,” Chris said.  “Howie’s nose is perfect for his face.”

        “You know the test,” Brian said.

        “For noses?” Chris asked.  “There’s some sort of exam?”

        “If it’s lickable, it’s cute.”

        “That’s not fair,” Chris said.  “Justin’s nose is not cute, but I can tell you right now that JC’s licked it.  There isn’t a place on Justin that JC hasn’t licked.”

        “Justin’s licked my nose,” JC said.

        “Well, there you go,” Chris said.  “The test lies.”

        “You’ve licked Nick’s nose?” JC asked Brian.

        Brian’s cheeks were tinged with pink.  “Yes.”

        “I didn’t know you blushed,” Chris said.

        “Everybody blushes,” Brian said.

        “Hold it, stop the presses,” Chris said.

        “What?” JC asked.

        “Howie has licked my nose.”

        “Really?” JC asked.

        “It could be a false memory planted by suggestion,” Chris said.  “But I seem to recall…yes, I recall Howard Dorough licking my nose.”

        “How was it?” Brian asked.

        “None of your business,” Chris said.  “Has your nose ever been licked?”

        “Are you kidding?” Brian asked.  “Anyone who tried might slip and fall in.”

        JC burst into laughter.

        “Go away,” Justin said.

        “Coming in,” Nick said, and entered.  He dropped a bag beside Justin on the bed.  “How’s it going?”

        “Go away,” Justin repeated.

        “I have to go home,” Nick announced.  “I was about to tell you guys I was going, when Lance decided he had to go first.  I still need to go, and I’m not letting him stop me.  So, Timberlake, I need you to get your act together.  I won’t be gone forever, just maybe overnight, and I’ll come back with a full report on JC.  I don’t want to leave you two alone together, but I have to go.”

        “We haven’t even done anything to help Justin, and you’re leaving?” Joey asked.

        “Look, here’s what I’m thinking, anyway,” Nick said.  “Kevin said something that makes sense to me, something I was thinking from the beginning.  I should be with JC, and Brian should be with Justin.  JC’s a lot more used to me smacking him over the head, and he’d let me get through to him.  Brian’s a little off his game right now, and working with Justin would be a lot easier for him than dealing with JC.  I know, I know, they’re supposed to be working on the Fools.  But who really thinks that JC’s going to be any good to anybody while this is going on?  So I’m going home, for personal reasons, to deal with stuff.  I’ll be back soon, because I don’t want to leave you two here alone.  And if I don’t show up, Brian will.  Okay?”

        “Take me with you,” Justin said.

        “No,” Nick said.

        “Take me to JC,” Justin said.  “Take me home.”

        “No,” Nick said.  “Soon.  Tell me, would you rather deal with me or Brian?”

        “Brian,” Justin said.

        “Why?” Nick asked.

        “You can help JC.”

        “How was that an answer to my question?” Nick asked.

        “JC’s already let you in.  You can help him.  He listens to you.  And Brian, Brian makes me feel…good.”

        “Hell, now, I don’t want you feeling good with Brian,” Nick said.  “But I’ll talk to him about it, and see if he’s willing to switch.  My main thing is, can I leave you two here?  Are you going to handle this?”

        “We’ll be fine,” Joey said.  “You haven’t been doing that great a job.”

        “I got him talking again, didn’t I?” Nick asked.

        “Being obnoxious and pushy isn’t great therapy.”

        “It gets results,” Nick said.  “I don’t have the patience to deal with Justin.  No offense.”

        “But you think you’ll do better with JC?” Joey asked.

        “JC’s my best friend,” Nick said.  “He’s been telling me how he felt about Justin before Justin even knew.  He talks to me because he knows I always understand and I never judge.  JC opens up to me in ways I know he doesn’t open up to anyone else.  JC’s so intense inside, so intense, that it can be hard for him to talk about what he’s feeling.  He doesn’t always know what he’s feeling.  But I can get it out of him.  Brian’s not going to be any good at that past a point, because Brian’s the same way.  But Brian’s used to getting stuff out of me, so he’ll be great at pulling apart whatever Justin’s going through, and then putting him together again.”

        Joey thought about it, but had to admit, “That makes sense.”

        “I’m heading out now,” Nick said.  “I’ll try to send Brian back in my place.  Take care of Justin,” he said to Joey.  Then he kissed Justin’s cheek.  “Be good.”

        Justin wiped off Nick’s kiss.

        Nick ruffled Justin’s curls and left.

        Joey surveyed the bed.  “Just you and me.”

        “Joey,” Justin said, and turned wounded eyes to him.  “Please let me go home.”

        Joey closed own his eyes briefly.  “You know how to hit where it hurts.  You know I can’t do that.”

        “JC’s at Brian’s house.  We can go back to my place.  We can go to your place.  Please.  I can’t stay here.  I have to get closer.  I’m too far away here.”

        “I don’t even have a car,” Joey said.

        “We’ll call a cab,” Justin said.  “Please, Joey, I’m too far from home.”

        “I can’t,” Joey said.  “JC has some weird sixth sense about you.  It sounds crazy, but if you were anywhere near him, he’d probably figure it out and come find you.  I know it feels like it’s been a long time, but it hasn’t been.  You can make it another day or two.  Work with me and it’ll go faster.”

        “I thought we were friends,” Justin said.

        “We are friends,” Joey said.

        “Do friends do this to each other?!  Is this how you treat your friends?!”

        “It was Lance’s idea,” Joey said.

        “Lance hates me!” Justin shouted.

        “He doesn’t hate you,” Joey said.  “He’s just upset right now.”

        “Upset?” Justin demanded.  “If you had a wife and Lance acted around her the way he’s acting around JC, would you let it go that easily?  Is it different because we’re all friends?  Is it different because JC’s a guy?”

        “I know he’s crossed the line, but he hasn’t really done anything,” Joey said.

        “JC won’t tell me,” Justin said.  “JC won’t tell me what Lance has tried, what Lance has done.  That tells me how bad it is.”

        “JC’s just protecting you,” Joey said quickly.

        “JC protects me all of the time.  It’s my turn to protect him, and I can’t do that if I’m here!  I can’t protect JC or help JC or be there for JC if I’m trapped here!  Let me go, Joey.  Let me be there for JC.”

        “I can’t,” Joey said.

        “You act so supportive,” Justin said.  “You’re weak.  You act like my friend.  You’re not.  You’re a fake, Joey.  At least with Nick, I knew that he was real.  I can’t trust anything you say.”  Justin turned his head away, refusing to give Joey any more of his attention.

        Joey sat on the bed.  “Justin.”

        Justin’s jaw tightened.

        “You’re right.  I let Lance get away with anything he wants.  I excuse whatever he does.  That’s not fair to JC and it’s not fair to you.  I’m sorry.”

        Justin wouldn’t look at him.

        “I don’t trust my judgment anymore.  That’s why I won’t act on my own.  When Nick comes back, or when Brian comes, you can talk to him.  Maybe he’ll let you move closer to home.”  Joey put his hand on Justin’s knee.  “I don’t trust myself.  It’s not fair to make you suffer for it, but I don’t know what else to do.  I don’t know what to do at all anymore.”

        “What happened to you?” Justin asked the wall.

        Joey’s answer came in one word.  “Lance.”

        “It’s Kevin.  Nick told me to call.”

        “Where are you?”

        “Five minutes from Brian’s.  Is this about Lance?”

        “Yes.  You know he’s back in town?”

        “Hell.”

        “What?”

        “I think he’s behind me.”

        “Kevin.  Don’t do anything.”

        “I won’t.”

        “Don’t give him a chance to do anything.  But be as nice, as polite, as calm as you can.  We’re killing him with kindness.  If we can stand it.”

        “Whose idea was this?”

        “Nick’s instructions, originally from Brian.”

        “We’re supposed to be nice to Lance after what he publicly accused Brian of.”

        “Yes,” Howie said.  “I don’t like Lance any more than you do.  He’s been threatening Chris.  But we’re not letting him get the better of us.”

        Kevin parked in Brian’s driveway.  “This is going to kill me.”

        “I’ll be over later.”

        “I’m going to need you,” Kevin admitted.  “Let me give it a shot.”

        “Be nice,” Howie said.  “Not too nice.  Don’t make him suspicious.”

        “Oh, don’t worry.  I won’t be too nice.”  Kevin hung up, getting out of the car.  Lance had pulled in behind him.

        Green to green.

        Neither gave an inch.

        They hadn’t seen each other since Kendig.

        Kendig, where each had last made love to AJ.

        But Kevin had had AJ last.  Kissed the taste of Lance out of AJ’s mouth, made AJ’s body his own.  He smiled.  Smugly.  “Lance.”

        “Kevin.”  Lance walked past him, to the door, and rang the bell.

        Kevin weighed Lance’s charms in his mind.  What did Lance have over him?  Young and hot, versus tall, dark, and handsome?  Lance was supposed to be mature, but Kevin owned that one, and had class to boot.  Lance was good-looking, yes, but Kevin wasn’t exactly lacking in that department.  He also had a better body.

        Then again, Kevin wasn’t even trying to be fair.  Maybe he should check with an impartial party.

        Brian opened the door.  “Come on in.  JC’s been waiting for news on Justin.  Kevin.  How’d it go?”

        “Nick misses you,” Kevin said, and leaned in closer.  Under the guise of kissing Brian’s cheek, he murmured, “Am I better-looking than Lance is?”

        Brian laughed so hard he drew Lance’s attention.  “The bathroom’s down the hall on the right.  If you ever stumble in there, Kevin, there’s this thing on the wall above the sink.  It’s called a mirror.  Take a look in it.”

        “It was a serious question,” Kevin said.

        “No, it was the funniest question I’ve heard in a long time,” Brian said.  “Let’s go; JC’s waiting.”

        JC wasn’t waiting; he was coming to them.  “Where’s Justin?” he asked, looking from one face to another.  “How is he?”

        “He’s fine,” Lance said.

        “What’s he doing?  What’s he saying?  How was he when you left?” JC asked.

        Lance glanced at Brian.  “JC, I really…  Maybe we should talk in private.”

        “Why?” Brian asked casually.

        “What I have to tell JC…  Justin wouldn’t want everyone to know.”

        Kevin was impressed; it was a neat trick, phrasing it so JC would think that he had to be alone with Lance for Justin’s sake.  That was guaranteed to get JC’s cooperation.  “If Brian’s going to help JC, he needs all of the information,” Kevin said.  “Especially on anything related to Justin.”

        “If JC wants to tell Brian, that’s his decision,” Lance said.  “I have to respect Justin’s privacy.”

        “What is it?” JC asked.  “Is he all right?  Is something wrong?”

        “You can talk in the den,” Brian said.  “We’ll be in the kitchen.”

        Kevin caught Brian’s eye.  Brian gave him a reassuring look.

        “Is Justin all right?” JC asked, leading Lance back through the house.

        Brian went into the living room, almost bumping into Chris.  “JC took Lance back to the den,” Brian said.  “Give them a few minutes, then go check on them.  Eavesdrop, interrupt if you have to.”

        “Count on it,” Chris said, and went in that direction.

        Kevin followed Brian to the kitchen.  “I wonder what Lance has to tell JC.”

        “Nothing that requires complete privacy,” Brian said.  “How’s Nick?”

        “He misses you,” Kevin said.  “He’s worried about you.”

        “Worried about me?” Brian asked, opening the refrigerator.  “I’m fine.”

        Kevin closed the refrigerator.  “No, you’re not.”

        “What?” Brian asked, turning to him.  “I’m fine.”

        “How long have I known you?”

        “Three years?” Brian guessed.  “Four?”

        “How long have I been telling you that you put too much pressure on yourself?”

        “You put too much pressure on yourself,” Brian corrected him.

        “You can’t save the world.  You can’t create a perfect world for Nick or Drew or anyone else.  Stop trying.”

        “I’ve always done my best for Nick,” Brian said.  “I’d move heaven and earth to make Drew happy.”

        “And where has it gotten you?” Kevin asked.  “All Nick ever wanted was you.  All Drew ever wanted was you.  And each other.  Instead, they both got heartache.”

        “I fucked up!” Brian kept his voice low, mindful of the others in the house; but what he lacked in volume he more than made up for in intensity.  “I fucked up with Nick, I fucked up with Drew, I’ve made them both miserable!  I broke Nick’s heart!  Drew’s wracked with so much guilt and shame it’s eating him up inside.  They’ll never get over what I’ve done to them.  I have to live with that.”  He turned away.  “I should have left them alone.  I should have let them be together and not - - but how could I not?  How could I, when what they were offering me…  To be with Nick again.  To be with Drew.  The look in Drew’s eyes, I knew he was feeling what I was feeling.  And Nick…”

        “No one is saying you shouldn’t have joined with them,” Kevin said.  “I would never say that.  They never would have been complete without you.  I’m saying that you made them happy enough when you did that.  All the rest of it is you trying too hard.  Relax.  You don’t have to make their lives perfect for them to know that you love them.”

        “I just want them to be happy,” Brian said.  “I’m only trying to do what I think is best.”

        “Maybe that’s for them to decide,” Kevin said.

        “I felt so much for Drew,” Brian said.  “Maybe because I’d spent all of that time hearing Nick on the phone with him, watching them together, seeing how happy he made Nick.  Maybe because of the way he was around Nick, the way he adored Nick so thoroughly.  I knew how good he’d be to Nick.  Maybe it was just because Nick loved him, and my heart goes wherever Nick’s does.  I don’t know.  I’d look at Drew, and he’d look back, and I’d feel so…”

        “So?” Kevin prompted.

        “Before Nick and I became lovers, when we were friends, he’d turn to me with a smile, or we’d be laughing at something, or we’d touch,  and our eyes would meet.  My chest would be hot and tight, and the air would vibrate, and I’d feel…  I’d know.  That there was more between us.  That if we’d take that step, there would be a whole world there.  I felt that with Drew.  That there could be something huge and beautiful between us, a world full of it, if we’d come together.  I was just afraid to do it.  And it wasn’t my place.”

        “You should be content with that world,” Kevin said.  “You don’t have to work this hard to improve on it.”

        “Why should I take your advice?” Brian asked.

        “Because I know you, and I know Nick.  And I’m getting to know Drew, although I’d like to know him a lot better.”

        “How can you possibly give me advice on my relationships?  I’m married, Kevin.  I’ve been with Nick and Drew for years.  What do you have to compare with that?  What can you show me that proves you know anything of what you’re talking about?”

        “You can’t turn this on me because you don’t want to hear what I’m saying,” Kevin said.  “This isn’t about me.”

        “Why are you taking her to bed?” Brian asked.  “You don’t love her.”

        “You don’t know anything about it,” Kevin said.

        “No, I know,” Brian said.  “I know what’s in your heart.  Not on the surface, not just below the surface, what’s in the beating core of it.  AJ.  One name, two letters.  Deep inside.  At the center.  AJ.  You think he’s in there so deep he can’t be touched, but that’s not true.  Your heart is pumping him all through your body.  He’s all over you.  I know it.  I can see it.  And so can he.”

        “You know who’s all over Nick’s heart?  You.  You broke his heart, left me and JC to pick up all of the jagged pieces of it, destroyed him so badly we all know it would have been a miracle if his relationship with Drew would have lasted without you.  And still, your name, on every last part of his tortured heart.”

        “Because he was mine,” Brian said, eyes blazing.  “He was mine.”

        “Then you should have taken better care of him,” Kevin said.  “Then.  What you didn’t do then, you can only make up for now, to a point.  You’ve crossed that line.”

        “I guess it’s your role to be the substitute,” Brian said.  “Standing in for me when Nick couldn’t come to me.  Standing in for Lance and whatever else AJ wanted.  Does anyone ever come to you, for you?”

        “Go to hell,” Kevin said.  “You don’t know why AJ came to me.”

        “Neither do you,” Brian said.  “Killing you, isn’t it?”

        Kevin's jaw tightened.  He gave Brian a hard look.  “You're going through a rough time, and I respect that.  But you have no right to go there with me, and I don't want to do this.”  He turned for the doorway.  “I'll talk to you later.”

        Chris heard footsteps, a brisk long-legged stride, then the front door.  He edged closer to the doorway to the den, trying to listen and peek without getting caught just yet.

        “You really miss him, don’t you?” Lance asked.  He was beside JC, his arm slung over the back of the couch.

        “I didn’t get to say good-bye to him,” JC said.  “Not the way I would have, if I’d known.  I kissed him, I told him that I loved him, but there’s so much more I want to say to him, to do to him.”

        Do to him?  Do to him.  Damn.  Freaky.  Chris kept listening.

        “Justin’s lips are so soft,” Lance said.

        Chris’s brain snagged on those words and started circling around them.  He didn’t like them.  He didn’t like that Lance had said them.  It hadn’t been, “Justin’s lips look so soft.”  It had been, “Justin’s lips are so soft.”  Like Lance knew.  Had felt.  And maybe Lance did know; Joey had kissed Chris, so maybe Lance had kissed Justin.  But Lance was up to no good, and Chris didn’t want to know what he was planning.

        “I kissed him when I left,” Lance said.  “He gave me a kiss to give to you.”

        “Justin’s lips?” JC asked, in the same stricken, lovesick voice Chris knew he personally would say, “Howie’s dick?”

        “I licked into his mouth,” Lance said.

        “Justin’s mouth?” JC asked.

        “My tongue,” Lance said.

        Chris risked a good look.  Lance’s arm was around JC’s shoulders now, his hand massaging the side of JC’s neck, coaxing JC closer.  JC was staring at Lance, at Lance’s mouth, confused.

        “Justin,” JC said.  “You kissed Justin.”

        “I tasted him,” Lance said.  “His taste is in my mouth.”

        Chris wondered whether he should step in now, or wait a second.  Or maybe he was already too late.

        Lance was leaning in, slowly.

        JC was looking at Lance’s mouth.  His hand came up, cupping Lance’s face; his thumb caressed Lance’s lips.  “Justin.”

        Lance’s gaze was hot.  It was like he was willing JC to go for it.

        “I wish it were true,” JC said.  “I wish he’d kissed you.  I would kiss you, I would take your mouth, I would accept everything he’d given through you.  But Justin didn’t kiss you.”

        Chris was in shock.

        “He did, JC,” Lance said.

        “Justin wouldn’t kiss you,” JC said.  “I know him.  I’m in him, I’m with him even now, and he’s with me.  Justin would not kiss you.  Away from me?  Ripped from my side?  Betrayed?  When Justin and I are together again, if you’re having a lucky day, Justin might grant you a kiss.  Right now?  He won’t let anyone, not anyone, take his mouth.  Not until he’s with me again.”

        “You’re wrong, JC,” Lance said.  “You’re wrong.”

        “Justin gives himself to me, and to me alone.  Anything he gave to you willingly was of no consequence to him.”  JC let go of Lance and stood.  “I don't want this ever to happen again.  Play your little games, Lance, I can handle that, but don't you ever play with me about Justin.  You're unhappy with your life, you're using me, fine, I'll let it go, do what you want.  But leave Justin out of it.”  JC walked out the door.

        Chris watched JC walk by.  JC went into the bathroom.  Chris lingered in the hallway to make sure JC was all right.

        “Chris,” Lance said.

        Oh, shit.  Chris turned.  “Hi.”

        “Do you have it?”

        “Have what?” Chris asked, sticking his hands in his pockets, rocking back onto his heels.

        “Have the number I wanted.”

        “Uh, no, actually, funny story, I don’t have it.”

        “Do you have any plans to get it?”

        “Long story short?  No.”  Chris braced himself.  Howie loved him.  Howie loved him.

        Lance came in close.  “That’s too damned bad.”

        “Sure is,” Chris agreed.

        Lance’s fingertip ghosted down Chris’s neck, right over his tattoo.  “Too bad,” Lance repeated softly.

        Their eyes met.

        Chris refused to blink.

        Lance smiled.  “Good luck.”  He left.

        Chris heard the front door open and close.

        Howie loved him.  Howie loved him.  Howie loved him.

        Nick pushed away Jeff’s hand.

        Jeff sat beside him.  Jeff’s fingers wandered into his hair.

        Nick reached back and swatted Jeff’s hand again.  “Get off me.”

        “What is it today?” Jeff asked.  “What are you agonizing over?”

        “How to kill off my second,” Nick snapped.

        “Yeah, that’s really funny, Nick,” Jeff said.

        Nick rubbed his forehead, putting his elbows on his knees.  “Can you just…leave me alone?”

        Jeff’s voice was kinder now.  “Yeah.”  He put his hand on Nick’s back.  “I can do that.”  He stood.  “For now.”  He kissed the top of Nick’s head and walked away again.

        The meanings of most flowers.  All clearly explained in alphabetical order.  Too bad there wasn’t a list of the meanings of most of AJ’s behaviors.  Or, for that matter, his own.

        Rose leaves.

        You may hope.

        Kevin snapped off the monitor, closing his eyes.

        Hope.  The one damned luxury he couldn’t afford.

        You may hope.

        No, he couldn’t hope.  He couldn’t hope at all.  He didn’t dare.  If he started hoping…

        No.  No hope.  The smallest, slightest sliver of it would be the end of him.  Hope would destroy him.  It was nothing but a tease.

        Those rose leaves had been ground up in the garbage disposal.  That was all the use he had for hope.

        Joey had tried to talk to him.  Offered him food, a TV, anything.

        Justin said he wanted to be left alone.  Please, couldn’t Joey just leave him alone.

        Joey closed the door and left him alone.

        JC was curled up against Chris’s side, gazing at Chris’s neck, obsessively stroking Chris’s tattoo.

        Brian was supposed to be making dinner, but Chris wasn’t counting on it any time soon.  What with the visible tension in his body and the frantic, desperate plea for help in his eyes, Brian looked like someone trying very hard just to hold it together, and on the verge of failing to do so.

        The phone had been ringing.  Three times.  Brian never answered.  Chris wasn’t going to answer the phone in someone else’s home, but he was nosy enough to peek at the caller ID.  Howie once, Kevin twice.  Who the hell ignored Howie’s calls?  Howie’s calls made Chris’s day.

        The doorbell.  Brian couldn’t ignore that one.  Could he?

        Apparently, he could.

        The door opened anyway.  Either it was someone with a key, or someone breaking and entering.

        “Honey, I’m home!”

        Chris started.  JC’s head shot up.

        There was a sudden crash from the kitchen.  Brian burst around the corner and ran down the hall.  There was a thud.  After that, Chris expected to hear voices, but instead, there was nothing.

        He and JC looked at each other, then got up and went down the hallway to see for themselves.

        Brian was trying to eat Nick alive, face first, hands scouting for the next tasty target area.  Nick’s back was to the door, and it looked like he was keeping up well with the assault.

        Chris wasn’t used to watching guys kiss each other, besides JC and Justin, who barely counted by now.  Once he’d seen JC’s dick up Justin’s ass, that whole kissing thing had lost some of its status.  He hadn’t really thought about the way other guys kissed each other, other than knowing that no one could possibly do it as often as JC and Justin, or as well as Howie.

        Brian and Nick, though, were doing a damned good job.  Maybe that was because they’d been kissing each other for years.  They were going fast, they were using a hell of a lot of tongue, and Chris knew they had to be breathing somehow, but he couldn’t prove it.  This kind of professional face action had to come with another relationship level.

        JC was tugging at Chris, trying to pull him back.  Chris hushed JC; he wanted to stay.  This was interesting.  Nick’s right hand had grabbed Brian’s ass and stayed there, and now was working in a fascinating rubbing rolling kneading pattern that had to feel great, if Chris’s imagination and Brian’s reaction were any indication.

        JC ruined it by clearing his throat.  “Nick.”

        Nick lifted his head and looked past Brian.  “Hey.  I have to talk to you.  About a hundred different things.”  His hand was still doing that motion, and he gave Brian a quick, lewd kiss.  “Can you give me five minutes?” he asked JC.

        “We’ll be back here,” JC said, tugging Chris backwards.  Brian was already feeding off of Nick’s mouth again.  Nick started moving forward, to the stairs.  JC tried tugging Chris faster, but Chris stayed put for a minute, watching.  He couldn’t tell whose idea it was, because they were moving in perfect unison, which was impossible to do in Chris’s experience; but in one graceful move, Brian was on his back on the stairs.

        Wasn’t that really uncomfortable?

        JC yanked Chris around the corner and back into the den.  “Leave them alone.”

        “What are they doing?” Chris asked.  “Having sex on the stairs?”

        “It’s their house,” JC said.

        “Have you had sex on the stairs?”

        “No,” JC said.

        Chris was surprised.  This could not possibly be the real JC.  “Are you telling me there’s a place you haven’t had sex?”

        JC smiled.  “I’ll have to remember to make up for it.”

        Joey began to snore.

        Justin closed his eyes, gathering his focus.  “Come on, baby,” he whispered.  “Come on, baby, you can do it.”  He wrapped his hands around the railings in the headboard, the ones to which he was cuffed.  “Come on, baby.  Do it for me.  Do it for me.  You’re beautiful, baby, do it for me.”

        He could imagine JC over him, JC’s passionate voice, crystal blue eyes on him.  The power of JC’s love.

        He rocked slowly, digging his heels in, letting it build, picturing it, imagining it.  JC wanted him to.  JC coached him, urging him on.

        “Do it, baby, come on, for me, Justin, I know you can, you can do anything, baby, anything that you want, Justin.  You’re so good, baby, you’re so talented, you’re so beautiful, I know you can do it, anything you want, so special, baby, so good, come on, a little bit harder, baby, a little harder, harder.”

        Justin gathered strength, straining his muscles.

        “You're so strong, baby, so strong inside and out, your body is so incredible, Justin, look at how strong you are.  Strong in body, baby, strong in spirit, feel your strength, own it, Justin.”

        Crack!

        Justin gripped harder.  JC knew he could do it, knew it was in him, wanted to bring it out of him.  JC’s gaze was on him, burning him with soft intensity.

        “Almost there, baby, almost, come on, do it, Justin, do it, do it, just for me, now, all for me, I love you, Justin, I love you, baby, a little more now, almost there, you can feel it, it’s so close, just a little more.”

        Snap!

        Justin sat up, then looked over his shoulder.  His hands were in his lap, a handcuff dangling loose from each wrist; the headboard railings were snapped in half.

        He’d done it.

        “Thank you, baby.”

        Justin got up quickly and considered his options.  He had no money on him; he’d been so fucking stupid he’d left his wallet behind at home, thinking he was just going to go to Jive with JC and come right back again.  Stupid.  He had no car, and no money for a cab.  That meant walking.  Unless…

        Justin set the bag on the bed and unzipped it, rummaging around inside.  Clothes, sneakers - - he grew impatient and emptied the bag onto the bed.

        JC’s underwear.  Justin snatched it up and held it to his face, inhaling delicately, closing his eyes.  God.  JC.

        Definitely coming with him.  Savored later.  He tucked JC’s underwear into one pocket and kept searching for something, anything.  It was hard, impossibly hard, to resist the urge to stop everything and remember JC, to go down on his knees, one hand down his pants, sucking the crotch of JC’s drawers into his mouth.  But he had to focus.  He had to prioritize.  He had to-

        There was nothing in here!  Damn it!  Justin hit the mattress in disgust.  What was he supposed to-

        The bathroom.  Justin tore around the edge of the bed and into the bathroom, snapping on the lights.  Under the sink, in the drawers, in the medicine cabinet.  Something, something, something.

        If he hurt himself, if he injured himself badly enough, Joey would have to get help.  Get him to a hospital.  Then they’d have to let him go home.

        But he couldn’t risk it.  Not career-wise.  And he was stronger than that, he was better than that.  Healthier.  For JC.

        Strong for JC.  Healthy for JC.  Good for JC.

        JC.

        Chris gave JC a long, slow look.  “You have to be joking.  No one ever wants to hear about Howie.  Everyone wants me to shut up about Howie.”

        “Tell me how you feel about him.”

        “Are you feeding off of my obsession?” Chris asked, suspicious.

        “It’s…comforting,” JC said.  “It’s like I need a fix, but I can’t have any of my own drug, so I want to borrow some of yours.  It’s vicarious.”

        “You should get Brian to talk about Nick and Drew,” Chris said.  “When he gets going, he’s pretty good.”

        “He’s busy right now,” JC reminded him.

        “Ah.  Yes.”  Chris jiggled his knee.  “What do you want to know?”

        “Tell me how you feel about him.”

        “Right, that.  Um…I’m in love with him.  I can’t do this, JC.  Anything I say is going to sound lame and ridiculous.  You’re completely the wrong audience for this.  You’re the expert on obsessive love.  It’s like trying to describe pussy to Joey.  There’s not much that I can say that you won’t have experienced ten times over yourself.”

        “Your love for Howie is different from my love for Justin,” JC said.

        “Yeah,” Chris said.  “You want me to try?”

        “Please.”

        Chris thought about what to say.  “I’m in love with him.  Where other people might see imperfections, I see only unique traits and endearing qualities and reasons to love him more.  He’s so beautiful and so perfect, it’s impossible to compare him to anyone else.  There’s something about him, some kind of romantic magnetism, that draws me in over and over again, every time.  I can’t imagine what he sees when he looks at me that makes him keep coming back for more, but he’s staying with me, and I am so grateful for that, I can’t express it.”

        Chris tucked his feet up onto the couch with him, rubbing his knees.

        “A lot of good things have happened to me in this life, and there have been a lot of major things, a lot of huge surprises, a lot of blessings.  I have things I couldn’t have dreamed I’d have.  When I was growing up, I had goals for myself, but I also had a lot of reality.  I never imagined this.  But all of the things I have now, I worked for in some way.  I put in the hours and the energy.  There was a lot of luck and timing involved, but also a lot of elbow grease.  You know that.”

        JC nodded.  Chris worked his ass off, had been for years.

        “Except Howie.  Howie came to me out of nowhere.  There’s no explanation for how this has happened to me.  I think that’s why I’m afraid he’s not mine to keep.  I didn’t earn him.  I didn’t even do anything, I was just there and he showed up.”

        “You’ve put effort into your relationship,” JC said.

        “Yeah.  I have, I know I have.  He’s just so beautiful-perfect, I keep waiting for him to leave me.  There are so many other people out there for him, I don’t know why he’s still with me.  He’s so handsome, JC, I could just look at him forever.  And he’s so nice, he doesn’t get snappy or sarcastic or rude, he never takes his frustrations out on me.  He’s always happy, always smiling, and it’s such a pretty, pretty smile.  It’s not just that, but he’s always happy to see me, he always has time for me, he always has a smile for me.  He always asks how I am and really cares about the answer.  He wants to know how I’m doing, what I’m doing.  He cares whether I’m happy.  Every day.  He always lets me know he cares.”

        Caring, kindness.  That was a great part of what drew Chris to Howie, but that wasn’t all, and JC knew it.  He approached the subject sideways.  “Does he want you?” JC asked.

        “This may sound crazy, but I have to say yes.  He must want me, because we have sex.  I’m not sure what I do for him, or why he’d want me in particular, but he seems to get something out of it.  He’s very, very good.  I’ve never had sex like this before.  He owns sex.  He owns the moves, he owns the techniques, and he definitely owns the orgasms.  He makes me feel every second of it.  He makes me work for it.  I can’t just sit back and relax, and I can’t just go through the motions and get to the orgasm part and that’s it.  Sex isn’t something I can take for granted.”

        JC nodded.  He never took sex for granted, not with Justin.

        “And I want him, I want him so - - he does things to my brain, and he does things to my body, and I’m his.  He could break up with me today, and I could never see him again, and in fifty years, you could say, ‘Howie,’ and I would remember the way he smiled at me when he picked me up at the airport, and I would swoon.  It’s that serious.”

        “Have you really told him how much you love him?”  That was important.  There was no shame in love this strong, and JC wanted to be sure that Chris could get past that.

        “Yes.  Sometimes it’s embarrassing, because I love him so much it’s almost too much, and I know he can tell.  I’m obsessed, and I know that I’m obsessed, and he knows that I’m obsessed, and I know that he knows that I’m obsessed, and it can be embarrassing.  But I want him to know that I love him, how much I love him.  I want him to know that whatever happens, I’ll always love him.  I will.  I will always love Howie.  And he’s so good to me, he treats me so well, I know I can be a lot to put up with.”

        “You?” JC asked with a smile.

        “JC, I strain my own nerves.  But Howie’s always patient.  He always laughs at my jokes.  He lets me mess up his hair when I know he’s just gotten it perfect.  He kisses me like I taste good or like I’m kissing him back as well as he’s kissing me.  He kisses so well, JC, it’s flawless.”

        JC had been so wrapped up in Justin, as usual, that he’d missed a lot of Chris and Howie’s more private interactions on tour.  He’d have to pay more attention, because he wanted to enjoy all of this, on Chris’s behalf.

        “I know that I’m a great catch.  I’m rich and famous, I’m not that bad to look at, I’m intelligent, I’m hard-working, and I have the requisite sense of humor.  But, I am sad to say, I am not a hot Latino seduction machine.  I think that’s part of what bothered me about Howie being with AJ.  If it had been any random person off of the street, I could have thought well, yeah, but I can offer Howie this, and that, and also this over here.  I can’t offer Howie anything AJ can’t, and AJ has a few extras that I don’t have.  AJ’s like my nightmare competition.”

        “Howie’s with you now, and not AJ.”

        Chris fidgeted, dropping his gaze.  “He wants things from me, and I’m afraid to give them.  If I give him too much, I’ll start to get used to having all of that, and then if something happens and I’m alone again, I’ll lose too much.  But the crazy stupid part is, I’m already in too deep.  When we first kissed, I was in too deep.  Trying to hold back now isn’t keeping me any safer, and it’s hurting his feelings.”

        JC knew that causing Howie pain brought Chris the same pain, twofold.

        “He’s sweet about it,” Chris said softly, “he’s so good to me, he doesn’t want to push, he doesn’t want to ask for too much, he knows I’m skittish.  And he feels bad, there’s guilt in his eyes, because he thinks it’s because of AJ.  It is because of AJ, but maybe that’s not all of it.  Maybe that’s only half.  Maybe it’s also because of me, because I’m afraid of losing him.  Losing myself when I lose him.”

        “If you never lose him, and you spend all of this time holding back trying to stay safe, you’re going to waste precious time,” JC said.

        Chris raised his head, meeting JC’s eyes, remembering that he did have a live audience.  There was a smooth transition from the real Chris inside to the durable, sarcastic veneer that shielded Chris from the world.  “You’d suggest a ‘seize the day’ mentality?” Chris asked.

        “Yes,” JC said.

        “Seize the Howie,” Chris said.

        “Why are you here?” Brian asked, sitting up, leaning forward so all he could see was Brian’s back.

        Nick’s gaze travelled up Brian’s spine.  “You needed me.”

        “What about Justin?”

        “We’re switching.  I’m staying here with JC, and you’re going to Justin.  You guys aren’t working on the Fools, are you?  It makes more sense if we switch.  Justin and I are friends sometimes and catty sometimes, but he has no reason to talk to me or listen to me right now.  JC, JC tells me everything, Brian, he tells me things he doesn’t tell Justin, and you know that’s serious.”

        “You decided this on your own without talking to me or JC about it?”

        “I talked to Kevin about it, I told Justin and Joey.  I didn’t want to talk to you about it, because you don’t want me here.  But you don’t want me here for your own reasons, and that’s not fair to JC or Justin.”

        “Selfish,” Brian said to himself.

        “I didn’t say that,” Nick said.  “You’re not selfish, Brian.”

        “Always about me, what I think is best,” Brian said.

        “Are you cracking up?” Nick asked.  “Brian, come here.”  He tugged gently on Brian’s arm, coaxing Brian back.  “Come here.”

        Brian jerked free.

        “Why are you muttering to yourself?” Nick asked.  “You could talk to me, instead.  I like to be talked to.  I know I talk a lot, but I can listen, too.  At least, I can listen to you and Drew.  Other people usually make me impatient.”

        Brian didn’t say anything.

        Nick looked at Brian’s back and calculated the best way to get Brian to talk to him.  “You fucked me on the stairs, you dragged me up here and fucked me on the bed, but now I’m not worth your time or your attention or your conversation?  I didn’t give you my ass on the stairs with JC and Chris right down the hall so you could ignore me afterwards.  That’s not treating me like your best friend or like your lover or like your boyfriend or like your fiance, Brian, that’s treating me like your whore, and I deserve better.”

        “I can’t talk to you,” Brian said.  “You shouldn’t be here.”

        “Brian, what is wrong?” Nick demanded.  “Tell me!  If you can’t tell me, write it down.  Mime it.  We can play Pictionary.”

        “I don’t know what to do,” Brian said.  “I’m confused, and my path is unclear, and this road is so hard…”

        “Brian…”  Nick sat up, a hand on Brian’s back, looking at the back of Brian’s lowered head.

        “The only time things make sense anymore is when I’m inside you.”

        Nick didn’t know what to say to that.

        “I want to do it again, I want to be inside you right now, so it’ll stop hurting.”

        “What hurts?” Nick asked, wishing he could see Brian’s face.

        “Everything I’ve done,” Brian said.  “All of those choices and decisions.  I wasn’t satisfied with running my life, I had to run yours, and then I had to run Drew’s, and now look at all of the damage I’ve done.  Destruction in my wake.”

        “What are you talking about?  What destruction?”

        “I just want to be inside you again.”

        “Answer my question.”

        “What I did to you, and pushing Drew to Nick and Jeff, and all of the times I put my foot down or I drew the line.  With Jeff.  That wasn’t my decision to make.  You’re your own person.  Instead of supporting you, I vetoed this and overruled that and what am I, a tyrant?  Over my best friend and my husband?  Why am I the one who decides when and how you get to speak to Nick and Jeff?  Why is that up to me?”

        “Brian, I understood, you know I understood.”

        “I used to know everything.  Now I don’t know anything.  I don’t know what to do.  I have to find the right path, I have to find my way, but I don’t know how.  It’s hard, Nick, it’s hard.  All I want is to be a good partner, to you and to Drew, but I don’t know where to start.”

        “Start by not blaming yourself for everything.  Drew and Nick made their own decisions.  That was going to happen with or without you.  All you did was bring it forward.  You provided Drew with a support system.  Without you, all of that would have destroyed him.  Those feelings coming forth on their own, without our love and support?  Can you imagine?  You gave Drew a safe place, Brian.”

        “I shouldn’t have interfered.  I always think I know best.”

        “Stop dwelling on that.  Old stuff.  Past.  Forget it.  Think about the future.  Do what we want JC and Justin to do, to forget ancient history and focus on the relationships they want to build together for the future.”

        “I don’t know what to do.  That’s what’s wrong.  I’m second-guessing everything.  Every choice.  I was so sure of myself, I was in control of everything.  Now I can’t do anything.”

        “What do you want to do?”

        “Make love to you again.”

        “Besides that.”

        “Clean up the stairs.”

        “Besides that.”

        “Take you again.”

        “You’re really stuck on that one.”

        “Nothing else is right anymore, but that.”

        “Let’s go back to that other option.  You clean up the stairs, and I’ll go talk to JC.”

        “No.”  Brian reached back and grabbed Nick’s wrist, turning, eyes glittering.  “Stay with me.”

        “Brian.”  Nick pulled Brian into his arms.  “It’s okay.  You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to be in complete and total control of everything.”

        “Don’t ever leave me,” Brian said.

        “Leave you, I’ll never leave you,” Nick said.  “That’s crazy, Brian, you know I’d never leave you.”

        Brian’s hands gripped Nick’s sides.  “Don’t let Drew go.”

        “Go where?  Drew’s not going anywhere.  He’s staying with us.”

        “I can’t lose you.  I can’t lose him.”

        “You’re not losing us, you’re losing your mind.  Take a few deep breaths.  Drew and I love you.  We sit up and talk about you like girls at a slumber party.  We want to stay with you forever.  Okay?  Got that?”

        Brian nodded.

        “Good.”  Nick rubbed Brian’s back.  “You okay?”

        Brian nudged Nick’s thighs apart.

        “No, no.”  Nick pushed aside Brian’s hand.  “You don’t get to stick it in every time things get a little rough.  I know that this is hard for you, and apparently I’m your personal security blanket, but you just got some twice.”

        Brian’s face darkened.

        Nick waited.  He never said no to Brian.  He never refused Brian.  Any time Brian wanted him, Brian could have him; he’d granted Brian that privilege years ago.  But now he’d said it, said no.  It wasn’t a hard-core no; it was negotiable.  But he’d put it out there, and now he wanted to see whether Brian would respect it.

        Brian’s hand rubbed high inside Nick’s thigh.

        Nick held his breath.  If Brian tried to take him, after he’d said no, they were going to have a problem.  Touching him was fine, he had no problem with that, but if Brian made a serious move…

        Brian took his hand from Nick’s thigh and raised his face, wrapping an arm around Nick’s shoulders, kissing Nick’s mouth.

        Oh, Brian.  Nick kissed him back.

        “Later,” Brian breathed.  “Promise me later.”

        “Later, I promise.”

        “I can’t do this without you.”

        “I know,” Nick said.  “That’s okay.  I’m here for you.”

        “I can’t face Drew, I don’t know what to say to him, I’m too weak right now.”

        “Don’t avoid him.  You can’t run from him.  All of those fancy marriage vows, weren’t you paying attention?”

        “I know,” Brian said, “I know.”  He rested his forehead on Nick’s shoulder.  Nick rubbed his back.  “I want him to come home.”

        “Soon.”

        “I picked a really stupid fight with Kevin.”

        “Bad Brian.”

        “I’m useless to JC.”

        “No, you’re not.  But you will be better with Justin.”

        “You’re right.”

        Nick kissed Brian’s neck.  “Feeling any better?”

        “Yeah.”

        “I’m starving.  Is there any food?”

        “Kevin brought some.”

        “You get the stairs and the food.  I’ll go talk to JC.”

        Brian stayed securely glued to him.

        “This may require moving.”

        Brian pushed him down onto his side on the mattress, then wrapped in around him.

        “No, as in, getting up.”

        Brian didn’t budge.

        Nick held Brian closer.  “Okay, but just for a few hours.”