Copyright April 2, 2002-July 28, 2003 by Matthew Haldeman-Time

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Thus far we've had JC/Justin, Nick/Drew/Brian, Nick/Jeff, Nick/Drew/Brian/Nick/Jeff, AJ/Lance, AJ/Howie, AJ/Kevin, Chris/Howie, and partridge/pear tree.

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashwriters.

Wherein Drew won't go behind Brian's back, AJ can screw anybody he wants, and could JC be mellowing?

Notice: First, read "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," "Rest in Peace," "Destiny," and "Together." I know it sounds like a lot, but it'll only take you an hour or two.

        Kevin smashed the small glass jar the leaves had been in, then wrapped the shards and put them in the trash.

        Justin, waiting in the backseat, sang to himself.

        “I hope JC and Brian are getting some work done,” Lance said.

        “I know they are,” Justin said.  “They work really well together.”

        “Yeah.  They really seem to be connecting,” Lance said.

        “They respect each other,” Justin said.  “And they have a lot in common.”

        “Creating with someone, especially with how much of himself JC puts in his music, it’s very intimate,” Lance said.  “I didn’t expect JC to share himself that way with someone else.”

        “JC’s all about his music,” Justin said.  “He’ll work in-depth with anyone who can get that vibe with him.”  He refused to let Lance fuck with his head.  JC wasn’t interested in Brian.  Brian wasn’t interested in JC.  “What’s Joey doing?”

        “Going through her panties,” Lance guessed.

        They waited.

        They waited some more.

        “I’m going in after him,” Justin said.

        “He’ll be out any minute,” Lance said.

        “So will my patience.”  Justin got out and walked to the front door.  “Joey!  Joey!”  No answer.  Justin stepped into the house.  “Joey!”

        “Back here!” Joey called.

        “What are you doing?” Justin asked.

        “Raiding the fridge.”

        “We just ate,” Justin said, following the sound of Joey’s voice.  “She asked you to check on her house, not go through her shit.  Come on.”

        “Banana?” Joey offered.

        “We’re leaving,” Justin said, closing the refrigerator door.

        “We should talk first,” Lance said from the kitchen doorway.

        Justin turned.  “What?”

        “We’re worried about you and JC,” Joey said, sounding like he was treading carefully.

        Justin looked from Lance to Joey.  “Me and JC?  We’re fine.”

        “You’ve gone through calm periods before,” Lance said.  “How do we know next week you won’t be drawing your own blood again?”

        “Do we have to do this in someone’s kitchen?” Justin asked.

        “Answer the question,” Lance said.

        “What is this, an intervention?” Justin asked.

        Joey wouldn’t meet his eyes.

        Justin stared at them.  He couldn’t believe it.  “I’m not going to stand here and explain myself to you!  I don’t have to explain myself or how I feel about JC or what JC and I do together!”

        “Tell me you really think you and JC have a healthy relationship,” Lance said.

        “JC and I are loving, we are honest, and we are committed to each other,” Justin said.  “That beats the hell out of any relationship either of you’ve ever had.”

        Lance’s eyes darkened.  “You’re abusive.”

        “I would never hurt JC!” Justin shouted.  “Don’t you ever-”

        “You hit him!”

        “One more fucking word and I’ll hit you, too!  You don’t know what we go through, you don’t know what it’s like, you’ll never understand, so stay out of it!”

        “Get off your high horse!  You think no one else knows what it’s like to be in love?  You think no one else can ever understand?  It’s love!  It’s common as dirt!”

        “Lance!” Joey said.

        “What’s going on?” Justin asked.  “What is this?”

        “You’re staying here,” Lance said.  “You and JC need some time apart.”

        “Brian’s going to talk to JC,” Joey said.  “When he thinks JC’s in a good place, you can go home.  We’re staying here with you.”

        “What?” Justin asked, feeling numb, one hand fumbling behind him for the edge of the counter.  “What?”

        “We’re staying here,” Lance said.

        “For how long?” Justin asked, thinking he’d been there too long already.

        “As long as it takes.”

        Justin shook his head and started for the door.

        Lance was in his way.  “You’re not leaving.”

        “Justin,” Joey said from behind him.  “We want you and JC to be happy.  We can’t stand seeing you hurt each other anymore.  Try to stay here overnight.  One night.  Just to prove you can.”

        “I don’t have to prove anything,” Justin said, starting to get that achy tight feeling of impending panic in the back of his throat.  “Get out of my way.”  He knew Lance was behind this; it was all over Lance’s face.  Fuck Lance for screwing with him and fuck Lance for screwing with JC.  He was going home.

        “Do it for JC,” Joey said.

        They couldn’t seriously expect to keep him there.  What were they going to do, tie him down?  “Get out of my way,” he said to Lance again, his tone letting Lance know this was the last warning he was going to give.

        “If you have a healthy relationship, you can stay here,” Lance said.  “You’ll have no problem staying here for one night.”

        “I don’t have to fit your definitions,” Justin said.  “You have no right to put labels on something you’re no part of.”

        “Let’s sit down,” Joey suggested.

        “I don’t want to sit down, I want to get out of here!” Justin said, still face-to-face with Lance.  “What’s the point of this, anyway?  Brian’s giving JC therapy?  Who’s giving me therapy, the two of you?”  That was laughable.  Too bad Justin wasn’t in a laughing mood.

        “Carter’s coming,” Lance said.  “Should be a real meeting of the minds.”

        Nick.  Thank god.  Nick would understand.  “He’ll be here today?”

        “He should be here soon,” Joey said.

        Justin pulled himself together.  He’d humor Joey, because he believed that Joey meant well.  When Nick showed up, he’d get Nick on his side, and they’d explain to Joey that keeping him away from JC wasn’t going to help.  “Does Terry know you’re using her house to hold me hostage?”

        “I didn’t tell her that part of it, no,” Joey said.  “Can you try to stay here overnight?”

        “I’ll think about it,” Justin said.  There was no way it would ever happen, but he’d think about it.

        Chris was pretty proud of himself.  Howie liked the house.  He’d done well.  Chris gave himself a pat on the back.

        Howie hung up and gave Chris a curious look.  “What are you doing?”

        “Being proud of myself.  Tell me again how much you like the house.”

        “It’s my dream house.”

        “That’s fair.  You’re my dream Howie.”

        Howie kissed him.  “You’re my dream Chris.”

        Chris coughed politely, craning his neck slightly, pretending to look at something off to the side.

        Howie kissed his tattoo.

        Chris shivered with pleasure.

        “Do you need to go to JC?” Howie asked.

        “Yeah, I should get moving.”  He’d rather stay, but that went without saying.  “I don’t know when I’ll be back.”

        “I can wait.”

        Chris kissed Howie.  “Wish me luck.”

        “Good luck.”

        Oh, hell.  Chris kissed Howie again, taking more of Howie’s mouth this time, hands on Howie’s back, tangling his fingers in the ends of Howie’s hair.  “You’re the best thing anyone’s ever come home to.”

        Justin wondered what JC was doing.

        He was fine.  He could spend the night without JC; that wasn’t the point.  The point was that he didn’t want to, and he shouldn’t have to, and he was mad at Lance for putting him in this situation.

        Justin wanted to be with JC.  Given the choice, he’d rather be with JC than anywhere else.  When he was away from JC, he missed JC.  It was that simple.

        Joey didn’t understand, but he didn’t expect Joey to understand.  Joey was a player, and hadn’t yet found someone to be serious about sharing a life with.

        Nick would understand.  Justin knew that Nick would understand.

        Joey was keeping an eye on him while pretending to watch TV.  Lance was leaned back in a chair, managing to gloat and look pissed off at the same time.

        Justin had realized too late that Joey not only still had his phone, but had put it somewhere he couldn’t get to it.  Apparently Justin wasn’t supposed to call JC.

        That was all right.  He didn’t need to call JC.  He’d be home with JC soon.  Joey and Lance couldn’t really expect to keep him hostage.  That was ridiculous.  He’d be back home soon.  All he had to do was wait.

        JC checked the time.  “I should get going,” he said.

        “Why don’t you stay?” Brian asked.

        “I should get home to Justin,” JC said, rising.

        Brian stood as well.  “Justin won’t be coming home tonight.  He’s staying with Joey, Lance, and Nick.  I’d like you to stay here.”

        JC looked confused.  “What?”

        “Joey, Chris, and Lance are worried about you, JC.  We all are.  We’re worried about you, and we’re worried about Justin.  You’ve taken great strides in your relationship.  We want to help you with that.”

        “Where is he?” JC asked.  “Where’s Justin?”

        “He’s safe.  He’s fine, JC.  He’s out of town.  Joey, Lance, and Nick are with him, helping him.  I want to help you.”

        “Is he all right?  I want to talk to him.”

        “Justin’s fine,” Brian said.  “I don’t think you should talk to him right now.  I want you to prove to me that you can spend the night away from him.”

        “He can’t be without me, he doesn’t like to be away from me,” JC said.

        “Justin is going to be fine,” Brian said firmly.  “Let’s focus on you right now.”

        “He can’t take this,” JC said.  “Justin can’t breathe without me.  You don’t know what you’re doing.”

        “They’re taking good care of him.  They want what I want, and I want what you want, to see Justin happy.  We all want both of you to be happy and healthy and safe.  As soon as you make me believe that your marriage does that, Justin will come home.”

        “I have dedicated my life to keeping Justin happy and healthy and safe,” JC said.  “That is what my life is about.  That’s all I care about.”

        “Happy, healthy people can spend one night away from home without breaking down.  Show me that you can do that; and if he can do it, too, he’ll come home.”

        “He’s happy and healthy and safe with me!  I take care of him!  I look after him!”

        “Justin is a grown man.  He’s an adult.  He should be able to take care of himself.”

        “He doesn’t have to.  That’s why I’m here.”

        “What about when you’re not here?  What happens to Justin if something happens to you?  JC, do you want Justin to fall apart without you?  Does it make you happy to know that he can’t survive without you?  Do you need him to be dependent?”

        JC tightened his mouth and said nothing.

        “Talk to me, JC,” Brian said.  “That’s what this is about.  You have to talk to me.”

        “What happens between me and Justin is personal.”

        “I respect your right to privacy.  Your marriage is a sacred trust.  But if you don’t talk to me, I can’t help you.”

        “I don’t need help.”

        “You do, JC.  So does Justin.”

        Silence.

        Brian watched uncertainty become pain on JC’s face.

        “He’s accused me,” JC finally said.  “He’s accused me of making him dependent, of wanting him to need me.”

        “Is he right?”

        “I don’t know.”  JC rubbed his forehead.  “I never wanted to hurt him.  I only wanted to love him.  We fought about it, he was so angry…”

        “What happened?” Brian asked.

        “I tried to change.  I did change.  I thought I’d changed.  Things are different now.  I’ve tried to let him go more, I’ve tried to give him room, but maybe I…  I don’t know.”

        “Has Justin changed?”

        “He’s stronger now.  He’s more sure of himself.  He’s more mature.  He used to attack me just to hurt me.  I don’t know why, he said it was because I was hurting him, but I never meant to hurt him.  He doesn’t punish me anymore, not like that.”

        “Punish you,” Brian repeated.

        JC nodded.  His face, his body, his voice; he was tense with pain, inner pain.

        “Justin doesn’t punish you anymore?”

        “No,” JC said.  “He understands me now.  He didn’t understand me before.  My love was a burden for him.  It hurt him.  It was too much, I loved him too much, he didn’t know what to do with it.”

        “Now?”

        “Justin understands me now,” JC said again.  “He’s not afraid anymore.”

        “Afraid of what?”

        “Of me.”

        “Justin was afraid of you?”  The doorbell rang.  “Stay here,” Brian said, and walked to the door carefully, keeping JC well within sight, not willing to let JC bolt for the back door.

        “Hi,” Chris said.  “Is this the session for aging pop stars?”

        “I don’t see any claw marks,” Nick said.  “Did you cuff him already?”

        “That’s not funny,” Joey said.  He looked like he wanted to be anywhere else but in his own life.

        “This whole situation’s freaking hilarious,” Nick said, letting Joey lock the door behind him.  He walked into the living room.  “Hey,” he said to Lance.  “So, Lake, how’s it hanging?”

        “I hope you’re here to rescue me,” Justin said.

        “No, I just dropped by to watch you start scratching your own eyes out.  How long has it been since you saw JC?  Must be hours by now.  Surprised you’re not speaking in tongues.”

        “Fuck you,” Justin said.  “My best friends have kidnapped me, and my enemy’s shown up to gloat about it.”

        “I’m still surprised I didn’t get JC duty,” Nick said.  “I would’ve thought Brian would’ve wanted an excuse to cosy up to you while you’re vulnerable.  Guess once he saw me again, he forgot all about you.”

        “Did I say fuck you?” Justin asked.

        “You are pretty forgettable.  I wouldn’t be surprised if by this time tomorrow JC started asking, ‘Justin who?’”

        “Either drive me home or give me your keys and I’ll drive myself,” Justin said.

        “You’re not going home until Brian says JC’s a normal human being again.  That could take years,” Nick said.  “You’ve fucked him up pretty hard.”

        “I’ve fucked him up?” Justin asked.  “I’ve fucked him up?!  What the hell, he’s fucked me up so badly - - oh, no,” Justin said, catching himself.  “No, no, I’m not doing this.  I’m not sitting here talking about JC, giving you reason to keep me here for my own good.  I’m not playing these games.”

        “Good, because if I have to listen to you bitch about how JC’s messed you up, I’m going to have to hit you,” Nick said.  “Got anything to eat?”  He got up and strolled into the kitchen.

        Joey followed him, cornering him by the refrigerator.  “What the hell are you doing?” Joey asked, his voice an angry whisper.

        Nick lifted an eyebrow.  Someone was nearing the end of his rope.  “I’m not doing anything.  I’m not babying his sorry ass, and I’m not telling him to get a grip.  I’m talking to him the way I always talk to him.  Starting in with the brainwashing right now wouldn’t do any good.  We have to wait until he starts breaking.”

        “I don’t want to see him break.”

        “Then you’d better get out now, because it’s going to happen.”  Nick opened the silverware drawer.  “Get these knives out of here before he gets his hands on them.”

        “Shit.”  Joey started gathering up potential weapons.

        “Amateurs.”

        “How many times have you done this?” Joey demanded.

        “None, so I must just be smarter than you.  Give him another hour or two.  He’ll start getting weird.  Then he’ll start flipping out.  Right now, the reality hasn’t set in yet.  He still thinks he’s going to get home to JC.  Once he realizes he isn’t, duck.”

        “What’s he going to do?”

        “That’ll be the surprise.  He could go after us, he could go after himself, he could blank out.  I hope he flips out instead of blanking out, because it’ll be easier to get inside his head.  Are you good for this?”

        “What?”

        “You don’t look so good.”

        “I’m doing something I know will destroy my two best friends.  It’s not what I’d call a good day,” Joey said.

        Something was going on, and everyone but Nick knew what it was.

        Nick grabbed Jeff by the elbow and hauled him close.  “Tell me what’s happening.”

        “Did you just grab me?” Jeff asked.  “When have I ever given the impression that I’m someone you can snatch up by the arm any time you feel like it?”

        “What’s going on?” Nick demanded.  “What’s wrong with Drew?”

        “It’s being handled,” Jeff said.

        “It doesn’t look handled to me.”

        “Maybe I’m not being clear.  Let go,” Jeff said.

        “Not until you give me some answers.”

        Jeff jerked himself free.  “I’ll tell you what you need to know when you need to know it.”

        “That superior bullshit pisses me off and you know it.  Don’t pick a fight to get out of telling me what’s going on.”

        “You’re smarter than you used to be.”

        “And you’re bitchier.”

        “Watch your mouth.”

        Stand-off.  Nick glared.  Jeff glared.

        An extra second ticked by, and Jeff composed himself, placing his hand on Nick’s shoulder.  “I’m sorry.  I’m not being fair.”

        “What’s going on?” Nick asked.  “Drew’s looking at me like…”

        “I know.”  Jeff scratched his forehead.  “It’s not good.  Let’s…”  He sighed and met Nick’s eyes.  “When have I ever kept something from you?”

        Nick frowned.  “I don’t remember you ever keeping anything from me.  Nothing serious, not for long.”

        “So if I’m keeping something from you now, that means I probably have a pretty good reason, right?”

        “No, that means you should do what you’ve always done, and trust me with the information.”

        Jeff looked surprised.  “You are smart today.”

        “I keep pretty good company,” Nick said, offering half of a smile.

        “True.  But Nick, this…  This is…  We don’t want you to get hurt, and it’s going to hurt, so we’re trying to delay that for as long as we can.”

        “If I’m going to find out eventually, I’d like to know now.  Drew’s upset, and I can’t help him if I don’t know what’s happening.  You weren’t with me last night.  When you leave our bed to spend the night somewhere else, I think I deserve some kind of information.”

        “Drew’s going through a lot.  We’re trying to spare you.  Nick, this is hard enough on him as it is.  He can’t watch you go through it, too.  Especially since we’re not sure how well you’re going to handle it.”

        “You think I can’t take it?”

        “It’s…a lot.  It’s not good.”

        “Is he sick?  Is he - - is it-”

        “No, no,” Jeff said quickly.  “No, he’s fine.  We’re all fine, it’s not like that.”

        “Then tell me!  Tell me, Jeff, tell me now, or I’m going to get the information out of somebody else, and I know you don’t want me shaking down Nick.  Nick knows, doesn’t he?  And Brian?”

        “Yes,” Jeff said.

        “And Justin?”

        “We told Justin this morning.”

        “Why am I the only one who can’t know?  Since when does Carter handle anything better than I do?”

        “All right.  I’ll tell you tonight.  Not here.”

        Nick narrowed his eyes.

        “I’ll tell you tonight,” Jeff promised.

        Nick would have to be satisfied with that.  “Thank you.”

        “I’ll ask Justin to spend the night in Drew’s room.”

        “You can…  You can do it.  If he needs you, I didn’t mean to be a jackass about it-”

        “After I talk to you tonight, you’re going to need me,” Jeff said.  “The day you need me, and I’m not there for you…”  For the space of a heartbeat, Jeff’s mouth was on his.  “We’ll talk tonight.”

        “You didn’t bring any?” Nick asked Lance.

        “I don’t own any,” Lance said.

        “You want to borrow some of mine?” Nick asked.

        “Won’t you need them?” Lance asked.

        “I left the good ones at home.”

        Joey remembered Justin telling him about Brian’s padded handcuffs, with golden leather soft as butter.  “How often do you…”  Joey didn’t know how to finish the question.  He probably shouldn’t have started asking it in the first place, but Nick seemed so open to conversation, it was easy to ask him questions that Joey wouldn’t have asked anyone else.

        “Not that often.  We just like to have them around.  Mostly we just get off on the idea.  Brian’s kind of a freak sometimes.”

        “I’ll bet he is,” Lance said, slipping too far into sarcasm to be anything but insulting.

        Nick gave him a quick look, then apparently decided to let it go.  Or maybe not, because his next words were, “AJ has handcuffs, doesn’t he?  Did he ever use them on you?”

        The stare of hot poison that Lance turned on Nick would have melted a statue.

        Nick didn’t even blink, just waited for Lance to answer his question.  Joey had to give it to him; Nick had balls.

        “I don’t let people tie me up,” Lance said, cold and pointed.  “I’m not a whore.”

        Nick shrugged.  “Your loss.  Hand me that spoon?”

        Joey stared at him.

        Nick waited patiently.

        Lance had no choice but to hand over the spoon.

        Nick started scooping out jelly.  “Justy-poo, you want grape or strawberry?”

        “Yes,” Brian said.  “I took out everything he could possibly ingest or cut himself with.”

        “What if he locks himself in and-”

        “Nick and I took the doorknobs off every room that locks.”

        After a moment of silence, Chris said, “You’re officially amazing.”

        “I want JC to be safe.  I don’t want him to think I don’t trust him, but I also don’t want to ask for trouble.”

        JC closed the bathroom door and sat on the edge of the tub, his head in his hands, eyes closed.  “Justin,” he whispered.  “Justin, Justin, baby…  Hear me, baby, know I’m with you.  I’ll be strong for you, baby, if you can just hold on and be strong for me.  It’ll be all right, you can make it through, just hear me, I’m right there with you, baby, Justin…  Justin…”

        Justin closed his eyes, hurting over it.  JC had known what he really wanted, had seen past the anger and the accusations.  JC had given him what he’d truly wanted.  JC always gave him what he needed.

        He didn’t know how JC did it.  If JC had ever said to him the things he’d said to JC, he’d have been devastated.  He’d thrown bitter hatred in JC’s face, and JC had stuck with him.  He’d yelled at JC, said awful things, been deliberately cruel, and JC had shown him love.

        He wanted to lick JC’s eyelashes and whisper love into JC’s ear.

        If only he could go home…

        “JC,” Chris said.

        “Where are you going?” Brian asked.

        “I have to go to Justin,” JC said, reaching for the doorhandle.

        “You don’t know where he is,” Brian said.

        “I have to go to him.  He can’t come to me, so I have to go to him.”

        Chris got between JC and the gap in the door, forcing the door shut again.  “Why don’t you stay here?  Have you been on the house tour yet?  I haven’t.  I’d love to see the infamous Carter Littrell Lachey bedroom.  Let’s go upstairs.”

        “My bedroom is not infamous,” Brian said.  “JC, please stay.  You don’t know where Justin is.  You don’t have your phone or your car keys.”

        “What are you going to do, start walking in the direction you think he might be in?” Chris asked.

        “Yes,” JC said, jerking on the doorhandle.  “I have to go to Justin.  I have to-”

        “Justin is fine,” Brian said.  “He’s with Joey and Lance and Nick.  He’s with your best friends who know how important he is to you.  He’s fine.”  Brian put his hand on JC’s back, calming.  “You’re fine.  You’re all right, JC.  It’s okay.  Come and sit down.”

        “I have to go to Justin,” JC said, still tugging on the handle, single-minded in his pursuit, but unwilling to attack his friends to get there.

        “You will,” Brian promised.  “You will, soon.  He’ll come home soon.  Why don’t you come sit while we wait?”

        “Justin,” JC said softly, and put his palm to the door.

        “He’ll be home soon,” Brian said.

        “Come on,” Chris said, taking JC’s other hand, pulling him away from the door.  “Let’s talk about how you want to treat Justin once he comes home again.”

        “To urinate,” Justin said.  “Pee.  Piss.  Drain the lizard.  Is that all right with you?”

        “Who wants this one?” Lance asked.

        “Not me,” Nick said.  “I don’t have any desire to know him that well.”

        “I’ll do it next time,” Joey said.

        “Oh, that’s big of you,” Lance said.  “All right,” he said, standing.  “Let’s go.”

        “What is this?” Justin asked.  “You’re coming with me?”

        “We don’t trust you alone,” Nick said.

        “I’m going to the bathroom!” Justin said.  “What, didn’t you already search the room for razors?”

        “Yes, but you have a history of self-mutilation.  Ten seconds by yourself and you’ll be clawing your eyes out,” Nick said.

        “I’ve seen you piss before,” Lance said.

        “This is fucking humiliating,” Justin said.  “I am a fully functioning intelligent adult.  I am not a child in diapers, and I am not a psych patient!  You follow me into that bathroom and…”

        “And what?” Lance asked, when Justin stopped talking.

        “Damn it!  I don’t want to do this!  This is ridiculous!  Just let me fucking go!”

        “We’ll discuss it later.  Go pee first,” Joey said.

        “God,” Justin said, and stormed back to the bathroom.  Lance followed.  “How am I supposed to go with you watching me?”

        Lance leaned against the sink and shrugged.

        “It’s good to have trust between friends,” Justin said, lifting the lid.  “That’s important.  I’m really proud of the strong bond we’ve developed over the years.”

        “You have a history of hurting yourself and of hurting anyone who gets in your way, including us,” Lance said.  “You set it up this way.”

        Justin unzipped his fly.  “This is fucking ridiculous.”

        “The fact that we’re even doing this should tell you about the strong bond we have developed,” Lance said.  “You think I’d stand here and watch just anyone pee?”

        Justin cracked a smile.

        “So go ahead, do your deal.  Think of it less as mortifying and more as an act of love.”

        Justin laughed, and did.  When he was done, he patted Lance’s hip on his way out the door.

        “No,” JC said.  “I won’t sleep without Justin.”

        Gently, Brian asked, “Do you hear how unreasonable that sounds?”

        Chris was surprised by the question.  He’d found nothing odd in JC’s answer, because it was a typical JC response.  He was so used to JC and Justin, the way they talked about each other, the way they acted about each other, that maybe he could use a little lather, rinse, repeat of his gray matter, too.

        “Justin can’t breathe without me,” JC said.  “I won’t betray him by living well without him.”

        “Justin wants you to live well,” Brian said.  “Thinking of you suffering would hurt him.”

        “I know what Justin wants, what he feels, what he needs,” JC said.  “No one can dictate him to me.”

        Brian took a moment to respond.  When he did, he spoke slowly.  “I know what you mean.  I’ve felt the same way.  But you’re too close, JC.  Sometimes you need another person’s perspective to see things clearly.”

        “That makes sense,” Chris said, watching JC’s face for a reaction.  When they’d originally plunked their asses down on the couch, there had been normal space between them, but now JC was sharing his cushion, lightly pressed to his side, somewhat turned towards him.  Chris had been a comfort substitute before, when JC hadn’t been immediately available to Justin, but he’d never stood in as Justin for JC.  It was a little weird, but oddly touching.

        “No one else can see Justin as clearly as I can,” JC said.  “No one else knows him as well as I do.”

        Brian frowned.  “Who knows Justin?  Who knows Justin even half as well as you do?”

        “Lance.  Chris.  Joey.  Nick.”  JC’s gaze flickered.  “You.”

        Something had been slightly off in that flicker, but Chris couldn’t put his finger on it.

        “And do you think that the five of us know you, too?” Brian asked.

        “Yes.”

        Chris put his arm around JC’s waist, since not doing it was making him feel ridiculous.  It was weird to feel like he looked homophobic.  He just wasn’t used to cuddling JC.  It made him wish Joey were around; this was more Joey’s area.

        “Does Justin want good things for you?”

        “Yes.”

        “He wants you to be healthy?  He wants you to take care of yourself?”

        “Yes.”

        “He wants you to brush your teeth, wash behind your ears, that sort of thing?”

        “Yes.”

        “He’d want you to get a good night’s sleep.  You’re on vacation; this is the time for it.”

        “I won’t sleep until I know Justin is asleep.”

        “Why not?” Brian asked, sounding reasonable and curious.

        “If he’s awake, I want to be awake.  If he is away from me and asleep, then I want to be asleep, because it will bring us closer.”

        “To be dreaming at the same time?”

        “Yes.”

        Brian nodded.  Chris kept being glad that Brian was the one talking to JC, because Brian seemed to have been exactly where JC was, emotionally, so Brian understood the obsessive things JC said.  “JC, I want to bargain with you.  Can we make a deal?”

        JC glanced at Brian, then away again.

        “Tonight, I’ll ask Nick to call me to tell me that Justin’s asleep.  Tomorrow, you’ll go to sleep on your own.”

        “You’ll tell me the truth?” JC asked.

        “Yes,” Brian said.  “When Justin is truly asleep, Nick will call.”

        “You want me to stay here?”

        “Yes.”

        JC glanced at Chris.

        “Do you want Chris to stay, too?” Brian asked.

        “He has to go home to Howie,” JC said, lowering his eyes.  “I wouldn’t keep him from Howie’s side.”

        That was Chris’s out.  That was all the excuse Chris needed to spend the night in Howie’s arms.  But he kept remembering being Justin’s best man.  He’d been there for just about every step and phase of JC and Justin’s relationship.  What kind of person was he if he could walk out now, when they needed him?  JC shouldn’t be alone, and Justin wouldn’t want JC to be alone.  “Howie who?  I’d love to play sleepover with you and Brian.  We can make s’mores and try on each other’s bras.”

        “Try on each other’s bras?” Brian asked.

        “That’s not what girls do?”

        “How would I know?” Brian asked.

        Howie gazed into the candle flame.

        When the phone rang, he knew it wasn’t Chris, but he wished it were.  “Hello?”

        “Hey, D.”

        “AJ.”

        “What’s wrong?”

        Howie smiled.  “I miss my teddy bear.”

        “Where’s Chris?”

        “Playing psychologist with JC and Brian.”

        “Poor Howie.”

        “Poor Howie,” Howie agreed.  “I was thinking of going over to Kevin’s, but I don’t think he wants the company.”

        AJ’s voice was soft.  “How’s he doing?”

        “Not good, AJ.”  Howie brought his foot up onto the cushion with him in an unconscious imitation of Chris.  “Come home.”

        “Howie-”

        “You’re running, AJ.  When has that ever helped?”

        “I can’t, I don’t-”

        “I’ll come and get you if I have to, but you’re coming home.”

        “Stay out of it, D.”

        “Stay out of it?  You want me to stop loving you, stop loving Kevin, stop caring about what happens to you, stop worrying about him-”

        “Kevin doesn’t want you worrying about him, and I don’t want you worrying about me, either.”

        “AJ, I’m sick and tired of watching you ruin your own chances for happiness.  I’m tired of watching you run.  Come home.”

        “To what?” AJ demanded.  “To see how trashed Lance is?  To see you in your happy little household?”

        “Come home to us.  To me and Brian and Nick.  To Kevin.  Nick wants to see you.”

        “Nick misses us if we’re out of the room taking a long shit,” AJ said.

        “Come home.  It’s been so long, I want to see how bald you’ve gotten.”

        “That’s not funny.”

        “Come home, AJ.”

        “Soon.”

        “Now.”

        “How does he look?”

        “Good,” Howie said.  “Tired.  It’s hard on him, being without you.”

        “You’d think it’d be hard seeing me every day.”

        “It’s worse not seeing you at all.”

        “I keep hoping that if I wait long enough, he’ll stop caring.”

        “Enough time will never pass.”

        “I miss you, D.”

        “You miss Kevin,” Howie corrected him kindly.

        “I miss Kevin,” AJ said.  “I miss you, too, I meant that.  I miss Nick, you can tell him that.  And Brian.  And I miss Lance.  Damn, I wish he and I hadn’t fucked up.”

        “It would have been nice,” Howie agreed.

        “If I were capable of love, I’d love Lance.  I did love him.  I do love him.”

        “You are capable of love, AJ.”

        “I’m capable of love the way JC’s capable of love.  Outside of our one primary target, compared to our main focus, anyone else may as well not exist.”

        Howie thought about Chris.

        “But Lance…  Damn, I loved my porn baby.  He was so good to me.”

        “Come home, AJ.  It’s time to come home.”

        Ignoring the offered hand, Justin stood and headed for the front door.

        “Not that way,” Nick said, hurrying after him.  “No running off into the dark of night.”  He snatched Justin’s hand back before it reached the doorknob.  Justin tried again; Nick tried to get between Justin and the door.  “Can I get some help?” he asked Joey and Lance.  “Damn it, Justin, if one of us breaks a finger - - would you get off the door?!”

        Justin ran for the window.

        “Not so fast, there,” Joey said, catching him from behind.  “Ease on back, Justin.  We’re staying here tonight.”

        Justin struggled to break free.  He burst from Joey’s hold and launched himself towards the door.  Joey tried to pull him back, and the three of them ended up slamming into walls, bouncing off furniture, and generally causing mayhem as they wrestled.  Justin was intent on getting out through that door, and Joey and Nick were trying to hold him back without hurting him.

        Justin stopped, facing Joey, one hand pulled back in a fist.  “I love you, man, I don’t want to do this, just let me go.”

        “Don’t make this harder than it has to be,” Joey said.  “We’re trying to help you.”

        Justin’s eyes slid right to where Nick was circling around him.  “I don’t want to fight you.”

        “I could kick your ass in a heartbeat,” Nick said.  “Don’t worry about it.”

        “I don’t know if I can hit you,” Joey said to Justin.  “I don’t want to find out, either.”

        “Let me go and you won’t have to,” Justin said.

        “Three against one, I can guarantee you, you’re not getting out of here,” Nick said.  “If you start getting out of control, we might have to start cuffing you; and Lance is such a perv, he just might enjoy it.”

        Justin eyed the door.  “Nick?”

        “Yeah?”

        “Do me a favor, and try not to break my nose.”

        “Same here.”

        “Deal.”  Justin rushed the door.  Joey tried to stop him; knowing Joey would be hard to hurt, Justin went straight for the weak spot, driving a knee into the Fatone family jewels.  “Sorry,” Justin said, wincing, and got his hands on the lock.

        Nick grabbed Justin around the waist and threw him back.  Justin punched Nick in the gut; Nick slammed his heel onto Justin’s foot and returned the favor.  After a quick exchange, Nick got Justin back for what he’d done to Joey, and Justin hit the floor.

        Nick snatched up black padded handcuffs from behind a potted plant and knelt over Justin’s body.  While Justin clutched his balls, Nick cuffed Justin’s wrists.  “Fucker.  If you gave me a black eye, I’m suing your ass.  Lance, can you get me some ice?”

        “JC,” Justin was breathing hard and his voice was almost as venomous as his glare, “is going to kill you.”

        “He doesn’t care about your dick, he cares about your ass,” Nick said.  “You’ll be fine.  Stay there or I’ll do it again.”  Nick went to help Lance in the kitchen.

        Minutes later, Justin was lying on the bed in the back room, Nick sitting at the foot of the bed, Joey on a chair, Lance standing by the wall.  Home-made ice packs were strategically placed.

        “You must bruise too easily,” Nick said to Justin.  “I didn’t hit you that hard.”

        “Fuck you,” Justin said.

        “Poor baby,” Nick said.  “Who taught you how to fight, anyway, your mother?”

        “Like you’re a born-and-bred street brawler,” Justin muttered.  “Who taught you how to hit, Brian?”

        Nick laughed.  “Good one.”

        “Can you take these off?” Justin asked, raising his hands from his lap.

        “Are you going to act like an idiot and try to run again?”

        “Not in the next two minutes.”

        Nick unlocked the cuffs, slipping them from Justin’s wrists.  “Behave yourself.”

        Justin flipped Nick off.

        Nick didn’t seem concerned about it.

        Joey wanted to be mad at Nick for hurting Justin, for bruising Justin’s face, but Justin wasn’t.  JC would have been.  JC would have been furious.  JC would have been stroking Justin’s face, kissing the bruised flesh, licking the bruised knuckles, saying God only knew what.  JC would have mentally been making violent plans for wreaking vengeance on Nick, but would have put that off until later, because Justin would have had his immediate attention.  JC’s eyes would have been focused only on Justin; his hands would have caressed and stroked; he would have all but crawled into Justin’s skin to soothe Justin from the inside.

        It was painful to see Justin hurt without JC there.  Never mind that Justin could take care of himself; JC took care of Justin.  That was the way things were.  There was nothing wrong with it, either.  That was the way a marriage should work.  If Joey had a wife or girlfriend, he’d like to think that he’d look after her, and comfort her when she got hurt; and he hoped that she’d do the same for him.

        The room was too quiet.

        Justin rolled onto his side, away from them.

        Joey sat up straighter, alert, concerned.

        Lance took a few discreet steps around the bed, closer to Justin.

        Justin wasn’t making any noise, and he wasn’t shaking or anything, but…  Joey got up, removing the ice pack from his groin, and came around the side of the bed.  He knelt carefully.

        Justin was crying in silence, eyes closed, fist pressed to his mouth to keep sound from escaping.  That probably hurt, in and of itself, since Nick had bloodied his lips.

        “I don’t think you want me to kiss it and make it better, like JC would, but would you mind a hug?” Joey asked.

        Justin uncurled one arm, wrapping it around Joey’s shoulders, and Joey accepted the invitation, moving in closer, hugging Justin tightly.

        “It’s okay,” Joey said.  “You’ll be home soon.”

        “Hey, I gave my blood for the cause, and no one’s hugging me,” Nick said.

        “Don’t look at me,” Lance said.

        Justin held on to Joey, crying quietly, shaking with suppressed sobs.

        Nick rubbed Justin’s back, then stopped, then frowned.  He pulled up Justin’s shirt.  “When did you get muscles?”

        Lance laughed.

        “You still got nothing on Drew, but this isn’t bad, for a start,” Nick said.

        “You have no ability to stay on-topic,” Lance said.

        Nick smoothed Justin’s shirt down again, and rubbed his back.  “I know you miss him.  I know nothing’s the same without him.  I know you feel alone.  It’s hard not to have him close by.  It’s hard not knowing when you’ll see him again.  You start to feel like you might never see him again at all.  But it’ll be over soon.  You’ll go back to him soon.  You just have to tough it out for a little while.”

        Joey looked at Nick over Justin’s shoulder.  He didn’t know whether Nick were talking about being away from Drew or being away from Brian, but anyone who spoke that softly with that much conviction had to be speaking from experience.

        “Thinking about him when he’s not around, it hurts,” Nick said.  “But then you start to think about him on purpose, trying to remember as much as you can, because you get paranoid you’ll start to forget.”

        “It’s only been hours,” Lance said.

        “Do you think that matters, to him?” Nick asked.  “Minutes are years for JC and Justin.”

        Joey didn’t know how Nick had this level of insight.  Maybe from personal experience.  Maybe from his friendship with JC.  Maybe from some sort of natural intuition.  Maybe from blind guesswork.

        “Being separated from him, being without him, it’s like you’re alone and he’s dead,” Nick said to Justin.  “It’s like you might as well be dead.  But that’s fucking stupid.  Don’t even think about going there.  Have some perspective.  That’s what you two are missing.  Perspective.  You’re spending the night away from JC.  You might be here for a few days.  Maybe a week, even, maybe more.  You can spend a week away from home.  You tricked several million people into thinking you can sing; this should be a breeze.”

        Justin raised his head and glared over his shoulder at Nick.  “Fuck you.”

        “Get a tissue or something,” Nick said.  “You’re going to wipe snot all over Joey’s shirt.”

        “Can you let me sink into a horrible depression?” Justin demanded.

        “You have an emotional breakdown every hour on the hour,” Nick said.  “Mix it up a little.  Grow a pair for once.”

        “I did, but you crushed them with that big fat knee of yours!”

        “If you’d act like a sane human being, I wouldn’t have to-”

        “Whose idea was it to bring him here?” Justin asked, sniffing, wiping at his face, sitting up.

        Lance sighed.  “Guilty.”

        “What were you thinking?” Justin asked.

        “I guess he was thinking that since I’ve always gotten along so well with the three of you - - wait, no, that can’t be it,” Nick said.  He went into the bathroom off the bedroom and came back with a roll of toilet paper, which he handed to Justin.

        “How are you feeling?” Joey asked Justin, rubbing Justin’s knee.

        “I want to go home.”  Justin dried his eyes.

        Joey waited for more.

        Justin blew his nose.

        “That’s it?” Joey asked.

        “Can you go?  I want to be alone.”

        “Hell, no,” Nick said.

        “One of us has to stay here with you,” Joey said.

        Justin shook his head, not liking that at all.

        “I’ll stay,” Joey said.

        “No,” Justin said.  “If somebody has to stay, then I want it to be Nick.”

        “Nick?” Lance asked.

        “Me?” Nick asked.  “Why me?”

        “Because of all the possible people who would do this to me…”  Justin stopped, suppressed, and began again.  “You never told me you loved me, and then betrayed me.”

        Silence.

        Joey felt like he’d been gutshot.

        Justin wouldn’t meet Joey’s eyes.

        “You’re right, I never told you I loved you,” Nick said.  “I told JC I love him.  That’s why I’m doing this.  I love him, and I know how important you are to him, so if I let the two of you keep destroying yourselves and each other, the love I told him would be a lie.”

        Justin wiped his eyes again.

        Lance guided Joey to his feet.  “Call us if you need anything.”

        “You have a great flair for the dramatic,” Nick said to Justin as the door closed.

        Joey stopped right there.  Light spilled into one end of the hallway from the living room.  He’d betrayed Justin.  He’d betrayed JC.  He’d-

        “Justin knows how to hit where it hurts,” Lance said.  “He didn’t mean it, Joey.  You’ve heard him say things to JC, things that sounded true but weren’t, that he said deliberately to strike back because his feelings were hurt.  That’s all that was.  He didn’t mean it.”

        “He’s holding it together,” Joey said.  “He’s really holding it together.”

        “JC isn’t here to be impressed by his dramatics, either,” Lance pointed out.

        Joey frowned.

        “Forget it,” Lance said.  “How are you feeling?”

        “Feeling?” Joey repeated.

        Lance smiled.

        “Oh.”  Duh.  “Okay.”

        “You think you’ll recover?” Lance asked, and it had to be Joey’s imagination, it had to be, Lance couldn’t possibly be unzipping his jeans.

        “Justin has the hardest, boniest knees,” Joey said.

        “Now, that’s probably true,” Lance said.  His hand was warm and gentle as it caressed Joey through his underwear.  Joey tipped his head back against the wall, closing his eyes.  “Feels okay,” Lance murmured, voice going soft and deep, shuddering sex up Joey’s spine.  Lance’s touch was undeniably delicate, sweet torture.  “Feel good to you?”

        “No,” Joey said, as his body responded to Lance’s hand.  It did feel good, but he didn’t want it to feel good, he didn’t want to like it, he didn’t want to want more.

        Lance’s hand slipped free.

        When Joey opened his eyes, the hallway was deserted.

        “Hello?”

        “Tell me you’re naked.”

        “Chris,” and Howie’s voice was warm.  “Do you want me to be naked?”

        “Naked and in bed and thinking about me and maybe even aroused, but don’t tell anyone I said so.”

        “I miss you,” Howie said.  “I was just here in bed, naked, thinking about you, wishing you were here with me.”

        “You are so lying and I so don’t care.  Whisper dirty nothings in my ear.”

        “How dirty?” Howie asked.  “I’d like to tell you how badly I want to take your dick in my mouth, but is that too dirty?”

        “No, no, that’s fine, god, that’s just fine, go ahead,” Chris said.  Nobody could reduce Chris to babble like Howie could.

        “I don’t think I should,” Howie said, sex in Chris’s ear.  “I’ll get myself too worked up, and you won’t be here to…help me with it.”

        “What, what would you want me to do, if you were,” Chris checked for eavesdroppers, “worked up and I were there to…help you?”

        “No, I can’t tell you that, Chris,” and Chris knew Howie was a cocktease but that sultry voice worked on him every time.  “Thinking about what I want from you will turn me on, and without you here…”

        Chris was eager with his solution.  “You could take care of things without me.”

        “How?” Howie asked.

        Chris was gripping the phone too hard.  “You could,” he made himself say it, “touch yourself.”

        “Where do you want me to touch myself?” Howie asked.

        “Oh, god, there, too,” Chris said, getting vivid mental images.  “Howie, if you do this for me, I will love you forever.  Put your, touch your, if you, can you-”

        The softest, briefest giggle, almost like a hitch of breath, and then a slow groan.

        “Oh god,” Chris breathed, rock-hard.  “Oh, shit!”  He ducked around the kitchen table to hide his hard-on from view.

        “What?” Howie asked.

        “Shit, shit, sorry, not you, you’re fine, you were good, I just, JC.”

        “JC what?”

        “Is wandering loose around the kitchen when he’s supposed to be upstairs,” Chris said pointedly, making shooing motions.

        JC leaned against the table.

        “Go ahead,” Howie said.  “Be with him.”

        “I’d rather be with you.”

        “So would I, but JC needs you now.  Go ahead.  I’ll be fine.”

        “I won’t,” Chris grumbled.

        “I’ll stay here naked in bed thinking about you.  Good night.”

        “Oh, god.”  Chris hung up.

        “You didn’t tell him you loved him,” JC said.

        “I didn’t,” Chris realized.  “Probably because my dick’s so hard I can’t think straight.  You have great timing.”

        “Don’t confuse love with sex,” JC said.  “That’s dangerous.”

        “I know what love is, and I know what sex is, and I was just about to have sex with the person I love, except someone had to walk in at the worst possible moment, thank you, Mr. Timberlake Chasez.”

        “You were going to masturbate in Brian’s kitchen?”

        Chris frowned.  “Well, no, but there’s a bathroom right down the hall.”

        JC nodded.

        “Not that I’ve ever jacked off in someone else’s house, but you’re never too old to try something new,” Chris said.  “So, how are you?”

        JC almost shrugged, and drew random patterns on the tabletop with his fingertip.

        “You’ve been keeping it together really well,” Chris said.  “Really well.”

        “It hasn’t hit me yet,” JC said.

        “What hasn’t?”

        “That he’s not coming back.”

        “He is coming back,” Chris said.  “Soon, really soon.”

        “Isn’t the point of this to prove that we can make it without each other?”

        “Kind of,” Chris said.

        “Once he can make it without me, he’ll realize he doesn’t need me.”

        “Justin does need you.  He needs your love and your support and-”

        “He’s going to figure out that he’s better off without me.”

        “Justin is not better off without you!  He knows that!  That’s crazy, JC, that’s stupid.  Justin loves you.  Being able to spend one night apart doesn’t mean he’ll suddenly forget all about you.”

        “I’ve tried so hard to be good to him, I’ve wanted to be good for him, I’ve promised myself to treat him right and make him happy and improve the quality of his life in any way I can, but it’s so hard, Chris, it’s so hard to keep him happy.  He’s never satisfied.  I never do enough.  I’m never good enough.”

        “That was before,” Chris said.  “Things are different now.  Aren’t they?”

        “I don’t know if it’ll last.  The good times never last.  This time it’s supposed to be different, this time it’s supposed to be real, and it’s felt so good, we’ve been so happy.  We’re holding back the desperation, we’re holding back all of the things that overwhelm us, and we’re working on just being happy together.”

        “What happened, JC?  In the beginning, you were everything to him, you could do no wrong.  You were like a god in his eyes.”

        “I gave him too much.  The more I gave…  He started to learn to take.  And then he started to expect.  And then he started to demand.  It wasn’t what I offered, anymore, it was what I owed him.  And I believed it, too.  I still believe it.”

        “You don’t owe him anything.  You love him, and he loves you, but there should be a balance there.  A give and a take, on both sides.”

        “We were working on it,” JC said.  “If I change my behavior, it allows him to change his.  And if he changes his, then I can change mine.  He stopped demanding, so I could give freely at my own choosing.  We push each other and pull at each other and all it does is tear us apart.  It tears him apart, it tears me apart, it tears us apart from each other.”

        “What is it about you?” Chris asked.

        “It’s him,” JC said.  “It’s Justin.  He needs.”

        “It’s not just Justin,” Chris said.  “There’s something about you.  Something in you.”

        “I don’t know,” JC said.  “You’ll have to ask him.”

        Then Nick gently broke their kiss.  “Talk to me.”

        Jeff turned the heat down, resigning himself to having this discussion.  “Okay.”  He backed up, sitting on the foot of the bed, elbows on his knees.  He ran his hands through his hair and looked up at Nick.  “When Lance hit Brian, he said some things.  He implied that Brian was sexually involved with you and with me.  And then he outright said it, accused Brian of fucking his brother-in-law, which could be either one of us.”

        “What?”  Nick looked stricken, disbelieving, staring down at Jeff with shock in his eyes.

        “We’re trying to find out what he knows, if he knows anything.  It could be speculation, it could be bullshit, he might know everything or something or nothing.  We’re tracing leaks, figuring out who told whom what.”

        “Leaks?  Nobody told anybody, who would we tell, how could we tell-”

        “That’s the problem.”

        “What?” Nick demanded.

        “Nick talked to Kevin and JC.  We don’t know that’s how Lance knows,” Jeff was quick to add.  “We still aren’t sure what Lance knows, if he knows anything.”

        “Nick talked to-”  Nick turned away, one hand to his forehead.

        “It may not have been Nick.  AJ knew, AJ might have told Lance.”

        “Brian wouldn’t have gone to AJ if AJ were going to tell anyone.  How many people know about this?  The five of us, Justin, AJ, now Kevin and JC, Lance, if AJ and Kevin know then Howie knows.  We might as well pass out fliers in the street!  How did this - - Nick, Jesus Christ, who else has he told?”

        “No one,” Jeff said.  “Kevin and JC, that’s all.  He shouldn’t have spoken to anyone, we all agree on that, but I understand why he talked to Kevin.”

        “It wasn’t his to tell!” Nick shouted, pivoting suddenly.  “That is between me and, me and, me…”  He turned away again, just as quickly, with one hand covering his eyes.

        Jeff was on his feet, coming up behind Nick.

        “Don’t,” Nick said, the second Jeff’s fingertips made contact.  He pulled away, removing himself from Jeff’s touch.

        “Nick,” Jeff said.

        “Don’t,” Nick said.  “Not now.  I don’t…just don’t.”

        “We don’t know what Lance thinks he knows.”

        “We know what AJ and Kevin and JC and Howie know.  Who else knows?  Who’s told who else, who overheard, who saw, who - - when Nick jumped me in that hallway, anyone could have seen it.”

        “Nick jumped you?” Jeff repeated.  “What happened, did Nick physically overpower you and take you against your will?”

        Nick’s eyes flashed anger.  “Nick is the least discreet person I’ve ever met.  He never should have breathed a word to another human being, and you know it.”

        “What about Justin?”

        “We didn’t tell Justin.  Justin knew.”

        “You kissing Drew in front of him might have given him a clue.”

        Nick was turning red, anger and humiliation.  “He already knew by then.  He lives with us, works with us, he’s family.”

        “Kind of like Kevin, for Nick and Brian?”

        “That is completely different!”

        “Completely?”

        “Nick told Kevin because he’s never been able to keep his mouth shut, because he has no discretion, because he has no respect!”

        “I’m inclined to think Nick told Kevin because he was scared.”

        “You think I’ve never been scared?  You think Drew-”  Nick couldn’t get past the name.  “Have I gone to anyone outside the five of us to talk about it?”

        “Nick has a different set of insecurities, a different set of fears, and a different set of needs.  He couldn’t exactly run to Drew or to you for counsel, since he wouldn’t want to burden either of you, and you were probably the problem he needed to talk about, anyway.”

        “Then he could talk to Brian.  Or to you.”

        “I don’t think you realize the relationship Nick and Kevin have.”

        “I know Kevin realizes the relationship Drew and I have!  God damn it!”  Nick walked away.  “I can’t believe this is happening, I can’t believe it.  I should have known.  We deserve it.  We were asking for it.”

        “You don’t ‘deserve’ this,” Jeff said.  “You don’t deserve this fear and this shame and this-”

        “Why not?” Nick demanded.  “You know what I’ve done.”

        “I know that this is a very special situation that no one outside of it can ever understand.  I know that you’re a very special person with a very unique heart.”

        “Don’t,” Nick said.  “Don’t sugarcoat it.  This is not the time.”

        “I do know what you’ve done, Nick.  I know what Drew’s done.  I know what I’ve done.  You did this because you trusted me.  I told you it was all right.  Now there are other people speculating and judging and thinking they know something they can never understand.  What’s happened between the five of us is extremely personal, extremely private, and extremely-”

        “Extremely disgusting,” Nick said.  “Extremely self-indulgent.  Extremely twisted.”

        “It is not-”

        “I am,” Nick said.  “I am.  Don’t you come near me, I don’t want you touching me!  What I have done, is sick.  What I am, is sick.  It’s not your fault.  It’s not his fault.  It’s my fault.  I never should have - - I never should have done any of it, never should have agreed to it, never should have touched, never should have looked.  I haven’t just wanted him for the past few years, I wanted him for years before that.  Before I met you, even.  Back when he was in fucking high school.  He must have known, he must have sensed it, and he was so young, and he was so - - I did this, I did this to him, and I knew better, I knew how wrong it was, that’s why I never even admitted to myself what I was feeling, what I was thinking, I knew it was something that could never - - but what happened?  At the first chance, at the first opportunity, at the first excuse - - that’s what it was, it was a fucking excuse, a fucking excuse - - I went for it, I did it, I jumped right in there with both feet.”

        “You did not-”

        “It’s over,” Nick said.  “It’s all over, all of it.”

        Jeff sensed danger, and his spine stiffened.  “What’s over?”

        “Everything.  The five of us.  Me and him.  98 Degrees.”  Jeff tensed, saw it coming, couldn’t believe it.  “Me and you.”

        “Bullshit!”  Jeff shoved Nick into the wall, almost taking out a lamp in the process.  “Bullshit!”  He stormed away, then back.  “Bullshit!  You listen to me, Nick Timmons-fucking-Lachey, you are not doing this.  I will not let you do this.  You are not fucking ending 98 Degrees over this.  I have lived for 98 Degrees, I have bled for 98 Degrees, I have almost died for 98 Degrees, and you are not taking that away from me.  I put this group together, and I’m going to be the one to take it apart, not you!”

        One hard, deliberate shove and the lamp hit the floor.

        Jeff was unimpressed and undeterred.  “You and Drew, what you decide to do, what he decides to do, that’s up to the two of you.  But you can’t tell me you’re going to stop loving him.  You can’t tell me that.  As long as you love him, as long as he’s your blood, it’ll never be over.  And Nick?  Brian?  The love you and Brian have for each other?  Just the one word, Brian, just his name, and this look comes over your face, this light, this hope.  You and Nick, your relationship is one of the most complex I’ve ever seen.  You could walk away now and not see Nick for decades and run into him when you’re eighty and still have that spark of whatever the hell it is that makes you fight that attraction.  Yes, attraction, the chemistry between the two of you is insane.”

        “That’s sex,” Nick said.  “It’s all sex, it’s all just freaking sex!  I’ve sold my soul for dick, and ass, and cum!”

        “It was love!” Jeff shouted back.  “It still is love!  You love Drew and you love Brian and you love Nick!  You’ve been struggling with it for years and I know it terrifies you and I know how hard it’s been, but when you think of Drew, do you think of his dick or his smile?  Do you think you want to get a piece of that ass or do you think about how warm he is inside, and about how you want to touch that warmth?  When Brian kissed you good-bye in Kendig, when he walked away, that look on your face, that look did not say, ‘Damn, too bad I won’t get to fuck him now,’ it said that you loved him and you yearned for him and you were starting to break inside from him leaving you.”

        “And that makes it all right?  We’re self-indulgent and we can’t control our impulses, but it’s all right if we call it love?”

        “We are consenting adults.  We knew what we were doing.  We made our own choices.”

        “I’m leaving in the morning.”

        “You are not walking out on this tour.  God damn it, Nick, you are not walking out on Drew and Justin and the fans and the band and the crew.  People are depending on you.”

        “Drew depended on me!  I’m his older brother.  I should keep him safe.  He trusted me!”

        “Drew is an adult with a mind of his own!  He makes his own decisions!  You did not betray his trust.”  Jeff’s voice was intense, his gaze even more so.  “You did not.”

        Nick put one hand to Jeff’s shoulder and shoved Jeff backward, hard.

        “Don’t you start this,” Jeff warned, catching his balance.  “I will not let you give yourself an excuse to leave me.”

        “You think you know everything,” Nick said.  “You think you know it all.  You have it all figured out, don’t you?”

        “I know you,” Jeff said.  “I’ve always known you.”

        Nick stalked Jeff around the room.

        Jeff walked backwards, keeping his attention on Nick, waiting for it.  He knew it was coming.  He promised himself he could handle it.  “You don’t want to do this.  You don’t have to do this.”

        “I didn’t have to do a lot of things, Jeff, but you told me it was all right.  You told me it was okay.  You were so full of warm fuzzies and soft platitudes and situational ethics and sentimental bullshit.  And I trusted you.  I believed in you.”

        “I know you did,” Jeff said, backing carefully around the bed again.

        “Do you remember what you said?  In the beginning, when you first came to me about it?  You said, ‘Don’t be ashamed to love Drew.’  I always remembered that.  It’s complete bullshit.  Who are you, what evil creature can you be, that you’d tell me not to be ashamed of-”

        “I said love,” Jeff said.  “Don’t be ashamed to love him.  You should never be ashamed of love.  Never be ashamed to love anyone.”

        “You’re sick,” Nick said.  “You can find a rationalization for anything, you can find pretty words for anything, you make it all sound so damned admirable.  You’re sick, Jeff, you’re sick, you’ve wanted to fuck Drew right from the start and when you had the chance, you went for it.”

        “Don’t,” Jeff said.  “Don’t twist this.”

        “You’ve loved every second of it,” Nick said.  “You’ve gotten to keep me and fuck Drew at the same time.  You got Nick, too, and we all know how much you get off on him.  You probably get off on me and Drew, too, you sick bastard.”

        “I will not-”

        “And the whole time, the whole time, you’re always there for me, always there for Drew, so good, so honorable, telling me it’ll be all right while slipping your hand down my brother’s fucking pants!”  Nick shoved Jeff again.

        “Don’t do this, you know I love you, don’t do this,” Jeff said.

        “You don’t love me, you’ve never loved me, you love dick,” Nick said, and his fist connected solidly with Jeff’s stomach.

        Jeff did not, did not, did not want to hit Nick, but he also didn’t want to be Nick’s punching bag.  He tried to defend himself without attacking back, walking a fine line.  They fell over a suitcase and hit the floor, hard.

        Jeff had always said he’d be able to take Nick in a fight, but he’d never had to prove it.

        When he tasted blood, he got mad.  He’d already bled for Nick, on a stage in Heidelberg.  He’d worked hard on this relationship.  He’d made mistakes, he’d done things he regretted, but he’d also done everything he could to be a good partner.  He was not going to let Nick ruin all of that.  Not over guilt, or shame, or anything.

        Whether Jeff could take Nick in a fair fight was still in question.  But with Nick fighting to destroy what they’d built, and Jeff fighting to save it, Jeff won.

        Every chair in the room had been knocked over.  The mattress was half off the bed; the bedspread was half off the mattress.  The phone was off the hook.  The second lamp had joined the first on the floor.  The TV, it turned out, had not been bolted to the table.

        Jeff’s knuckles were bloody.

        Security was knocking on the door.

        Nick looked like he wanted to rise up and kill.  He didn’t want to, but he had to keep up the feeling inside, so he could get through this.

        “You can try to run out on Drew.  You can think you can run out on 98 Degrees.  But don’t you ever think about leaving me,” Jeff said, astride Nick on the floor, the front of Nick’s shirt balled in one fist, his other fist drawn back in a warning.

        Nick’s lips curled in a sneer.

        “Don’t you ever think about leaving me!” Jeff shouted, his fist slamming down to the floor directly beside Nick’s head.  “Don’t you ever!”

        The anger in Nick’s eyes started dissipating, fast, but he tightened his mouth, trying to maintain it.

        “And the next time you tell me I don’t love you, I’m throwing the first punch.  Do you hear me?  Do you hear me?” Jeff demanded.

        The anger was gone, it was draining away, leaving Nick with only the fear and uncertainty.

        Jeff’s hand tightened in Nick’s shirtfront.  “Do you hear me?!”  His other hand came down so hard, the walls should have shaken.

        Nick closed his eyes briefly in emotional pain, opened them when Jeff yanked his shirt so hard it lifted his shoulders from the floor, and whispered, “Yes.”

        “If this is what it takes, if I have to hit you to get you to pay attention, then I will.  I’ll do whatever it takes.  Don’t think I won’t.”

        Nick swallowed.

        Jeff leaned in closer.  “To keep you from leaving me, to get it through your head that you can’t walk away from me, I will do anything.”

        Nick’s heart pounded with not-quite-fear, pounded with the realization that he had tangled with the most powerful force this most powerful man wielded: love.  He wasn’t afraid of Jeff, but all of this intensity, all of it aimed at him, all of it for him...  There was danger in Jeff’s voice, danger in Jeff, something that had lain dormant but now, he saw, always had been there, in case Jeff ever had need for it.

        Jeff made sure he had all of Nick’s attention, made sure Nick was looking into his eyes, and whispered, “Anything.”

        Nick closed his eyes and nodded, submitting to Jeff’s will.

        “Good.”  Jeff felt sick to his stomach with the knowledge of what he’d just done, at the sight of blood on Nick’s face; but if he had to play it tough to get Nick’s attention, he’d play it tough.  He got up, checking his ribs with one hand, and called Justin’s room.  “I need a small favor.

        “You could try going to sleep,” Nick suggested, toying idly with the melting ice in his bag.

        “I don’t sleep without JC,” Justin said.

        “You’re going to have to,” Nick said.

        Justin didn’t reply.

        “Here’s what’s going on,” Nick said.  “JC says he can’t sleep unless you’re asleep, so when you fall asleep, I’m supposed to call Brian, so Brian can tell JC you’re asleep, so JC can go to sleep.  Got it?  So unless you want JC awake all night with bags under his eyes looking like shit tomorrow, you’ll go to sleep.”

        “JC?” Justin repeated, sitting up.

        “Yes, JC,” Nick said.

        Justin lay down again.

        “Good boy,” Nick said.

        Justin closed his eyes.

        “You could try to get comfortable, or something,” Nick said.  “You’re going to sleep flat on your back, unrelaxed, on top of the covers?”

        Rolling his eyes, grumbling, Justin got up, stripped to his T-shirt and underwear, and got in the bed, under the covers.  “Better?”

        “Yeah,” Nick said.

        Justin rolled onto his side, closing his eyes.

        Nick waited.

        Time passed.

        Justin sat up.  “I can’t.  I can’t do this.  I can’t sleep without him.  He’s always here, he’s always there.”

        “You can do this,” Nick said.  “Pretend you’re on the bus.  You’re in the bunk, he’s in the lounge, you’re taking a quick nap.”

        “This bed isn’t moving, I don’t hear JC’s voice, his presence, it’s not here.”

        “Can I buy you a substitute teddy bear?”

        “Don’t make fun of me, this is freaky.  I really can’t sleep without him.  It’s one thing to say it, but it’s different actually experiencing it.”  Justin scratched his curls.  “Now what?”

        “JC needs his rest.  It has to be tough being with you all of the time, he’s finally getting a break, I want him to enjoy it.  So you, go to sleep.”

        “I can’t!”

        “Do you want me to get Joey back in here?  He can hug you up or something.  Maybe you just need another warm body.”

        Justin frowned.

        Nick shook his head.

        Justin met Nick’s eyes.

        “No,” Nick said.  “No, I am not sleeping with you.  Joey can do it.  Lance can do it.  I don’t even like you.”

        “Nick, Joey’s straight.  I don’t trust Lance.”

        “So what if he’s straight?  He can pretend you’re a girl.”

        “Joey’s affectionate, but he would not be comfortable - - if I were JC, he might do it, but he won’t with me.”

        “You are not Brian.  You are not Drew.  I am not getting cosy with you.”

        “Ten minutes.  Until I fall asleep.”

        “I’m getting Joey.”

        “Nick, please.  Ten minutes.”

        “Maybe if I pretend you’re somebody else.  I’m not even sure…  Where do you, how do you, what are we doing?”

        “You must know how to spoon.”

        “Gross.”

        “Ten minutes.”

        “I’ll try not to hurl directly on you.”

        “You’re so supportive,” Justin said, and lay down on his side.

        “Whatever you do, don’t enjoy this.”

        “You’re disgusting.”

        Nick lay down behind Justin.  “How close do you want me?”

        Justin scooted back against him, gingerly settling back into him.

        “Where are my hands supposed to be?” Nick asked.

        Justin reached back for Nick’s hand and put it on his hip, considered, and moved it to his thigh.

        Nick waited.

        “You don’t feel anything like JC.”

        Nick snorted.  “Believe me, you don’t feel anything like Drew, either.”

        Justin yawned.

        “If you rub your ass on my dick, I’m out of here.”

        “You wish.”

        “Lift up a little.”

        “Why?”

        “For one second, Timberlake.”  Justin did, and Nick wrapped his arm around Justin’s waist, holding Justin back against his chest.  He repositioned his hand on Justin’s thigh, more comfortable, more intimate.  “Go to sleep,” he said softly.

        Justin put his hand on Nick’s forearm and closed his eyes.

        Nick wondered why it was so easy to breathe with Brian and Drew, when he had to put conscious thought into breathing in time with Justin.

        “Good night, JC,” Justin whispered.