Copyright April 2, 2002-July 14, 2003 by Matthew Haldeman-Time

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Thus far we've had JC/Justin, Nick/Drew/Brian, Nick/Jeff, Nick/Drew/Brian/Nick/Jeff, AJ/Lance, AJ/Howie, AJ/Kevin, Chris/Howie, and partridge/pear tree.

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashwriters.

Wherein Drew won't go behind Brian's back, AJ can screw anybody he wants, and could JC be mellowing?

Notice: First, read "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," "Rest in Peace," "Destiny," and "Together." I know it sounds like a lot, but it'll only take you an hour or two.

        Brian was breathing hard beside him.  Nick took that as an agreement.

        “You should be a controlled substance.  An illegal substance.”

        “That felt…so good…”

        Nick wanted to laugh.  “Good?”

        “You are…so good…”

        “I’m good?  You were the one doing everything.  I was just trying to keep up and not come every five seconds.”

        Breathy laughter from Brian.

        “When did you learn to move your hips like that?  I don’t know how anybody acting as normal and nonsexual as you can turn it out like that behind closed doors.”

        “You bring it out of me,” Brian said.

        “The scary thing is, he’s serious,” Nick told the ceiling.  “Brian, I’m not doing anything.”

        “You’re doing everything,” Brian said, rolling onto his side towards Nick.

        Nick’s nerves sizzled and popped at skin-on-skin contact, still hyperaware.

        “Where are you taking Justin tomorrow?”

        “I don’t know.  I have to call Fatone.”

        “I was thinking that if Joey and Lance are going to be with him, too, then you could come back here, maybe every other night.”

        “To see both of them in person, and tell JC how Justin’s doing and tell Justin how JC’s doing?  Or to fuck around with you?”

        Brian smiled.  “Guess.”

        Nick laughed.  “Hell, Lance and Joey can baby-sit without me.  I’ll deserve a break every once in a while.  What are you doing with JC, anyway?”

        “I was thinking of having him stay here.  He’ll need the support, and I don’t want to leave him alone in that apartment, without Justin.  We’ll either be here or at the studio most of the time.”

        “How do we know when they’re…better?”

        “I don’t know,” Brian said.  “All we can do is trust them to want to be healthy for each other.”

        Chris dropped his bag, blinking repeatedly.

        It was new to see Chris speechless.  It was good.  Howie, smiling broadly, took the box of roses from Chris’s tight hold, setting it aside.  “How do you like it?”

        Chris was still staring at the rich bouquets and burning candles.  “Fire hazard.”

        Howie laughed.  “I know.  I was careful.  It was unsafe, but I wanted everything to be perfect when you came home.”

        “Oh, I think we already took care of that back in the limo,” Chris said.

        Howie gave Chris’s eyes a long look.  “Did I tell you how much I missed you?”

        “Oh, feel free,” Chris said.  “I’m a good listener.”

        “I’ve been missing you,” Howie said, placing his hand on Chris’s chest.  “I’ve been wishing you were here with me, or I were there with you.  I’ve been missing the way you make me laugh, and I’ve been missing your body and the way we make love.”

        Chris cleared his throat.

        “I love you,” Howie said.

        Chris coughed suddenly.

        It was good to have Chris home again, close again.  Howie wanted to keep him close.  Howie kissed him.

        Chris made a startled sound, and kissed back.

        Howie wanted to make love again.  He started to walk backwards, along the path of roses and candles, going slowly.  It had come as no surprise that Chris had a fast tongue, a fast wicked tongue.  Sometimes when they kissed, Howie licked Chris into submission and slowed Chris down.  Sometimes when they kissed, Howie let Chris set the pace.

        Chris mumbled something.

        Howie licked the hair on Chris’s chin.  “What did you say?”  He kissed back towards Chris’s ear, nuzzling Chris’s neck, rewarded with a quick shiver.  He preferred Chris’s right side, but Chris was keeping that side from him.  That was all right.  Chris tasted just as good on the left.

        Chris cleared his throat again.  “I love you, too.”

        Howie moved back enough to look Chris in the face.  He kissed Chris’s lips and looked into Chris’s eyes.

        Chris raised his hand, brushing his fingers past Howie’s temple.  He threaded his fingers back through Howie’s hair.

        Howie kissed Chris again, closing his eyes, Chris’s familiar touch evoking a rush of memories.  He began to work on Chris’s clothes, resuming the walk towards the bedroom.  Champagne, roses, candles - - all of those things were mere distractions, now, things that would remove the focus from where it belonged.  Chris was home, and they were together again, and they were going to make love.  They didn’t need anything to set or enhance the mood; all they needed was each other.  They had each other.

        Howie’s primary goal was kissing Chris; his secondary goal was opening Chris’s pants.  Maneuvering down the hallway and into the bedroom was somewhat farther down on the list, which was why when Chris grabbed his ass, he backed himself into the doorjamb instead of through the doorway.  That seemed like a good stopping place, anyway, so he stayed there, resting his spine there for balance while he took off his shoes and socks one-handed, one arm still wrapped around Chris, mouth still engaged.

        Howie tugged Chris’s pants and underwear down, then put his foot in the crotch and pushed them the rest of the way down so Chris could step out of them.  He ran his hands up the backs of Chris’s thighs and cupped Chris’s ass.  After Chris made love to him again, he was going to have to make love to Chris, no question about it.  His entire body ached just thinking about having his dick inside Chris.  Besides, he liked the way it made Chris sound.

        Chris had pulled his own shirt off, and was tugging on Howie’s.  Howie removed it, then started walking again, backwards, towards the bed.  When the bed bumped against his legs, he gently pushed Chris back a bit and lowered his hands to his fly.

        Chris stared, riveted.

        Howie slowly lowered his jeans, baring his legs.

        Chris brought his hand to his mouth and bit his knuckle.

        Howie crawled backward onto the bed, letting Chris watch, settling himself against the pillows before beckoning Chris to join him.

        Chris lunged, going straight for what he wanted, licking at a nipple while yanking at Howie’s underwear.  Howie laughed, letting Chris strip him naked, running his hands over Chris’s shoulders.  He wanted to kiss Chris again, he wanted Chris in him again, he wanted-

        Oh, oh Chris, oh - - Howie fisted the sheets and ran his other hand through Chris’s hair, feeling a tight ache shiver up his thighs and center in his groin.  Chris’s wicked fast tongue could do things to Howie’s erection that made Howie’s head spin.  It was hard to believe men weren’t lined up at Chris’s door, begging for some of this.  Howie could only wonder how Chris’s tongue might perform on other places on his body.

        This was feeling too good, and Chris was sucking on him now, picking up a rhythm, working him over.  Howie groaned with pleasure at the heat of Chris’s mouth, at the rich wet suction, tugging at Chris’s short hair, feeling aching, warning tension.  He was about to come, but it wasn’t time, it wasn’t time, he’d wanted to wait until-

        Howie spilled into Chris’s mouth, unable to resist, giving in to baser needs.  God, Chris was good to him.  Howie only needed one more thing, one last little thing, to complete his day.  He found his voice.  “Chris, my love?”

        Chris was beside him in a flash.  “Yes, Howie, my love?”

        Howie handed him the tube of lube from the nightstand.  “Show me how much you’ve missed me.”

        Chris’s jaw dropped.

        Howie closed Chris’s mouth.  “Do you want me to roll over?”

        “No!  No.  Stay there.  Stay right there.  Don’t move.  Don’t vanish like the fantasy you have to be.  Just…stay.  Right there.”  Chris took a deep breath.  “I missed you so much no amount of mind-blowingly great sex is going to express it.  But I’m willing to try.”

        Howie ran his fingertip along the shell of Chris’s ear, then stroked Chris’s chest.  “Chris,” he leaned closer, pressing a kiss to Chris’s lips, fingers crawling up Chris’s chest and around to the back of Chris’s neck, “my Chris…”

        Chris moaned, a helpless sound, and put his hand to Howie’s hip, urging Howie closer.

        Howie ran one hand down Chris’s chest to Chris’s erection.  Chris groaned with an overload of pleasure and closed his fingers around Howie’s wrist, forcing Howie’s touch away.  Disappointed, Howie deepened their kiss, consoling himself with Chris’s mouth.  He’d missed Chris’s dick, and now he wanted to feel the heat of it, to feel the pulse of it, to spread the slick of precum down the shaft, to bring it to his mouth and put his lips around it.

        Chris was spreading Howie’s legs.  Howie lifted his hips and Chris tucked a pillow there for support.  Howie pulled Chris in again, and Chris kissed him; he raised one leg and kept his eyes closed, putting himself into the kiss, swearing that this time he wouldn’t, he wouldn’t, he wouldn’t-

        Damn!

        Chris groaned, finger pushing in deeper, stretching carefully.  Howie tried to relax, breathing deeply.  There was a sudden burst of pleasure as Chris stroked the right spot, and Howie opened his eyes over a quick moan.

        He’d been right to open his eyes; he’d been wrong ever to close them.  Chris looked incredible, on his knees, dark-dark hair against pale-pale skin, a glow of heat across his cheeks, focused concentration in his eyes.  Slowly, subtly, physical pleasure separated from emotional pleasure, and the gentle stroking and stretching was nothing compared to being with Chris again, in person, in the same room, in the same bed.

        Howie wanted Chris, wanted Chris now.  Their coupling in the limo was but a distant memory.  He wanted the quick burn and slow stretch as Chris sank into his body.  He wanted to see that look of rapture on Chris’s face.  He wanted to feel that heightened wild rush of sexual ecstasy.  He wanted Chris in him, fucking him, now.

        Howie pulled Chris’s hips closer, then grasped the thick base of Chris’s erection.  Chris made a startled sound, then moved into position, slipping his finger out.  Howie nudged his fat cockhead into place, then let go.

        Chris thrust forward.

        Howie gripped the backs of Chris’s thighs.

        Chris groaned, thrusting deeper.

        Howie dug his fingers in.  His eyes were trying to close; his back was trying to arch; his muscles were trying to tighten.

        Chris buried himself deep and held still, cursing brokenly.

        Howie breathed deeply, waiting for his body to adjust.  When he was on top, riding Chris’s dick, he had more control.  On the bottom, he had less control, and it was hard to get used to.  But every time, Chris made him love it all over again, fucked him until every last thrust felt so good he couldn’t imagine ever wanting to be in any position but on his back, opened and entered, praying it would never end.

        Chris slid out and thrust back in.

        New colors popped before Howie’s eyes.  He let Chris establish a quick pace, listening to Chris’s breathy grunts, letting Chris take over.  Chris’s eyebrows were drawn together in concentration, thick cock driving deep into Howie’s body, eyes dark with focused lust.

        Chris’s hands gripped Howie’s hips, and the touch alone brought heat; he tilted Howie’s hips, adjusting the angle of penetration, and on his next stroke in, Howie groaned aloud at the heightened explosion of pleasure.

        Chris cursed again.

        Chris’s hand slid up Howie’s chest, burning desire in its wake.

        Chris’s hips rocked faster.

        Chris’s right hand held Howie’s cock, stroking, pulling, rubbing.  Chris’s left hand slid up Howie’s neck, brushing Howie’s chin, his cheek, Chris’s thumb passing over Howie’s lower lip.  Howie closed his eyes, groaning, rocking up towards Chris, against Chris, wanting more.

        Chris fucked him harder.

        Chris’s right hand fisted his erection mercilessly.

        Chris’s left hand fingers tangled in his hair.

        Howie’s hips rocked in time with Chris’s.  His hand came up; he laced his fingers with Chris’s, holding on.  He wanted Chris to come first; he wanted to ensure Chris’s pleasure; he wanted to grant Chris that privilege.  But if Chris fucked him any harder, it would be taken out of his hands.

        Ecstasy was boiling up inside, overtaking his senses, overwhelming his body.  Howie gripped Chris’s hand and tried not to cry out from it.

        Chris fucked him harder.

        Hot cum jetted over Chris’s hand and onto Howie’s chest, while erotic energy snapped each one of Howie’s nerve endings.  The cosmic rush of pleasure left him splayed and moaning, the perfect vessel for Chris’s lust.

        Chris came, cursing again.

        Brian was running his fingers over Nick’s collarbone.

        Nick thought about that.

        Brian’s touch slid down onto Nick’s chest.  He circled a nipple.

        Nick opened his eyes.

        Brian kissed the nipple in question.

        “What are you doing?”

        “Thinking about Drew,” Brian said.

        “And that means you have to molest me?”

        “Drew was here,” Brian said.  “All over your body.  For all of this time I’ve been without you, he’s been kissing you here,” he kissed Nick’s chest, “touching you here,” his palm slid warmly down Nick’s side, “putting his hands on you, his mouth on you.”  Brian’s hand slid back up Nick’s chest; he kissed Nick’s jaw.  “He’s been all over you.  Leaving his love.  Leaving his scent.”

        “Have you stopped being horny at any point in the past twenty-four hours?” Nick asked.

        “All of the time I was alone, I was thinking about you,” Brian said.  “About you and Drew.”

        “About me and Drew and sex.”

        “Yes.”  Brian’s fingers visited Nick’s other nipple.  “I have a lot of lost time to make up for.”

        “Pervert.”

        “He was all over you,” Brian murmured, and kissed Nick’s chest, licking at Nick’s skin.

        “One track,” Nick said.  “Okay, come here.”  He rolled onto his side, pulling Brian into his embrace.  “I think I might be kind of insulted,” he said as Brian started to use teeth.  “Oh, nice, damn.  You’re okay with someone else putting his hands all over your property?”

        Brian looked up, and for a split second, fierce possession flashed in his eyes.  But when he kissed Nick, it was soft and inquisitive, and the hand running up Nick’s thigh was curious and testing, not owning.

        Nick didn’t think that he was supposed to have seen that quick light in Brian’s eyes.  It was the kind of ferocious “mine” flash that had been showing up in Drew’s eyes lately when Drew fucked Brian.  “Brian?”

        Brian licked Nick’s lower lip and hooked his leg over Nick’s hip, getting as close as possible.

        “Brian?”

        Brian pushed Nick onto his back, finding a more aggressive position, sucking on Nick’s neck.  “I could make love to you forever,” Brian murmured, lifting Nick’s arm and licking under it.  He kissed down Nick’s side, nipping with sharp teeth, and proceeded to kiss his way over Nick’s hip, licking into Nick’s groin.

        God, Brian must have missed him.  Nick ran his fingers through Brian’s hair, closing his eyes, letting out a soft groan of pleasure.

        “Are you okay?” Jeff asked Drew.

        “I’m fine,” Drew said, his voice so tense and sharp they all knew he was lying.

        “Do you-”

        Drew jerked away from Nick’s hand before Nick could touch him.  “I’m fine.”

        “Is it Nick?  Brian?” Jeff asked.  He recalled what they’d been talking about earlier.  “Lance?”

        Drew’s entire body tensed at the mention of Lance’s name.  His hands curled into tight fists.  He looked ready to hit something.

        “Did you call him?” Nick asked.

        “No,” Drew said.  Judging by his tone of voice, that was lucky for Lance.

        Jeff watched Drew.  “If you can make it through this interview, we can see if there’s time to hit a gym later.  You look like you could use it.”

        Nick was starting to look worried.

        “Don’t hover,” Jeff said.

        Nick tried not to.

        “I’ve been having a great time so far,” Chris said.

        Howie smiled and kissed the back of Chris’s neck.

        Chris moved away, then rolled over to face him.  Howie caught Chris in an embrace of arms and legs, gazing into Chris’s eyes.

        “You have beautiful eyes,” Howie said.  “They’re amazing.  They say so much about you.”

        Chris basked.

        Howie smiled.

        Chris basked some more.

        “What are you thinking about?” Howie asked.  His touch was gentle as he caressed Chris’s jaw.

        “You’re the most beautiful lover I’ve ever had,” Chris said.  “Being with you feels so good, I’ve never been through this before.”

        Howie kissed him.

        Chris deepened the kiss, inviting Howie’s tongue into his mouth, his fingers splayed on Howie’s back.

        “You, too,” Howie whispered, running his hand down Chris’s spine.  “Me, too.”

        This was getting weird.

        They had to be from the flower sender.  But...leaves?  This was almost creepy.  Kevin’s first thought was to call Howie, but he didn’t want to interrupt Howie’s first day with Chris.

        Calling the florist would be worthless.  He’d called before, several times, and always received the same response.  The orders were being phoned in, and the sender had the right to privacy.  He’d tried a few bribes to get more information, but to no avail.

        Flowers from a devoted fan were fine.  Very nice.  Leaves, well, a little odd, but still fine.  He wouldn’t get worried until he started receiving eviscerated rats.

        He’d settled on the devoted fan explanation, because there was no other viable explanation.  The flowers weren’t from a family member.  Weren’t from Molly.  And were not, were not, from AJ.

        Kevin set the small jar of leaves on the table.

        Kevin was too wise for his own good.  He knew that AJ had to make decisions for himself.  AJ had to do things for himself.  No matter what, as much as he wanted to, Kevin couldn’t step in and take AJ, couldn’t claim AJ, couldn’t even entice AJ.  If AJ wasn’t with Kevin of his own free will, if AJ wasn’t ready for it, then it would be just like it had been last time, when AJ had been with him in body, not in soul.

        So, Kevin had to put everything back in place.  He had to salvage what he could of his friendship with AJ, because if he didn’t have at least that, he’d have nothing.  Nothing, no AJ, no AJ as his lover, no AJ as his friend, no AJ at all.  And that was his biggest fear.  That was what he could never let happen.

        Sometimes Kevin was tempted to act out.  Act out like he had when he’d kissed Howie.  Pull stunts.  Make AJ jealous.  Get AJ’s attention.  But all of that was a waste of time, a waste of energy, because nothing he did would matter until AJ was ready, and forcing AJ into readiness would be a mistake, would ruin everything before it began.  So Kevin sat.  And waited.  And suffered.

        He almost wished that he were young and foolish, because then he would act out, and he would believe that it might work.  He’d believe that some of it would get through to AJ.  But there was nothing he could do.  There was nothing he could do, no move he could make, no action he could take, nothing he could say.  It was all up to AJ.  It was like being trapped, being trapped in hell, because he had no control over the situation.  He knew that people saw him as a controlling person, knew Nick considered him a control freak, and maybe Nick was right, because not being able to do anything about this situation was driving him insane.  Insane in a living hell.

        No control.  No say in when.  Or how.  Or even if.  He couldn’t make the first move.  He might wait forever, until the end of his days.  He couldn’t even show his feelings, couldn’t display his emotions, because that would drive AJ away.  He couldn’t let the slightest kernel of hope show, so he tried not to hope at all.  He couldn’t risk driving AJ away.  That was the worst thing possible.  So he held it back.  Kept it inside.  Made sure everything was as normal as it could be, as it ever had been, just to keep AJ close.

        He tried not to hope at all.

        Some days, sometimes, he knew.  He just knew that AJ would come to him.  Some days, sometimes, he wondered if AJ even thought about him at all, if everything were just in his own head.

        He loved AJ so completely and so passionately, it was hard to believe that it would all be for nothing.

        But maybe his role was as AJ’s friend.  Maybe that was all he was destined to be.  Maybe that was where AJ needed him most.

        But no, that couldn’t be all.  He’d be good for AJ, he’d be good to AJ, he’d give AJ a world and a love that no one else ever could.

        He was trapped in a situation he couldn’t control.

        Then again, who could ever control AJ?

        He’d never been loved like this.  Never felt this adored, this respected, this sexual.  Never felt this potent.  Chris believed in him.  Chris believed that he could do anything.

        Howie wanted to make Chris feel the same way.  He wanted Chris to feel as smart, and sexy, and respected, and loved, and adored, and strong, as he saw Chris, as he knew Chris to be.  Sometimes he felt like he knew Chris better than Chris did, because he saw that Chris was capable of being things Chris didn’t realize.

        When Howie looked into Chris’s eyes, he saw all of Chris’s intelligence, and self-doubt, and heart, and beauty.  Sometimes Chris pulled back, hid behind sarcasm, put up defenses, refused to be seen.  But Howie still saw.

        He kissed Chris’s earlobe.  “Chris, my Chris.  My love,” he whispered, amazed that he’d been able to keep Chris after all that he’d done.  He closed his eyes when he felt Chris’s fingers in his hair again.  When he felt the brush of Chris’s lips, he opened his eyes.  “Let me see it.”

        Chris tensed, suddenly cautious, fingers becoming still.

        “You can’t hide it forever,” Howie said.  “I’d like to see.”

        Chris hesitated, drawing back slightly, pulling his hand back.

        “What do you want from me?” Howie asked gently.

        “Don’t say anything,” Chris said.  “I’ll take the bandage off, and you can look at it, and I’ll go take a shower, and you can have your reaction while I’m doing that.”

        “All right.”  Howie sat up and waited.

        Chris sat up and, with lowered eyes, peeled the bandage from his neck.

        Howie saw, and said nothing.

        Without looking anywhere near Howie, Chris left the bed and went to the bathroom.  The water started.

        Howie didn’t know what to think.

        Jeff couldn’t remember seeing Drew this mad.  He couldn’t imagine what Lance could have said, or done.

        Drew had worked through the first layer of anger.  He threw the gloves and turned to Jeff.

        There wasn’t just anger in Drew’s eyes anymore.  There was pain, terrible pain, and fear.  Warnings began to sound in Jeff’s mind.

        “He knows,” Drew said.  “He knows, and he used it against Brian.”

        “No,” Jeff said.  He didn’t have to ask what Drew meant.

        “Lance knows,” Drew said.  “If Lance knows, who else knows?  If Lance will say it to Brian, what’s to stop him from saying it to anyone else in anger?  How many people know?  How many people-”

        “Are you sure?” Jeff asked.  “Brian told you?”

        “Kevin told me,” Drew said.  “Kevin knows.  Joey was there when Lance said it.  Joey knows.  Everyone knows.  Everyone knows!”

        “Don’t do that,” Jeff said.  “Don’t let the fear spiral.  It’s not everyone.  It’s not the public.  It’s not your family.  Lance said what he said in anger.  We don’t know that he knows.  Maybe he saw something, guessed something.  What did he really say?”

        “He said that Brian’s having sex with his brother-in-law.”

        “That could mean me, that could mean Nick, that could - - he didn’t say you, he didn’t accuse-”

        “That’s too close to the truth,” Drew said.  “It’s too close to the larger picture.  If he knows that, he knows the rest.”

        “We don’t know that,” Jeff said.

        “He didn’t just figure it out.  No one would guess anything like that.  It’s too ugly, it’s too sick, no one would ever guess it.  He must have seen.  Or else he was told.  If he’s seen, who else saw?  If he was told, who else is being told?  Who else knows?!” Drew demanded.  “If he knows, anyone can know!  And my…  My…”  Drew wiped away tears with an angry hand.  “My shame was in his mouth!  As easily as he said it to Brian, he can say it to anyone else!”

        “I know that you have never said anything to anyone,” Jeff said in a calm, controlled voice.  “I know that Nick has never said anything to anyone.  You know how hard it is for him to talk about it.  I haven’t spoken to anyone but the four of you, and Justin.  Justin won’t have said anything.  He’s the soul of discretion.  Brian, I can’t believe Brian would say a word.  Nick-”

        “Nick talks to JC,” Drew said.

        Jeff skipped a beat.  “What?”

        “Nick talks to JC,” Drew said, and he sounded tired.  “Nick talks to JC, and Kevin, and AJ, and Howie, and God knows who else.”

        “Not about this,” Jeff said.

        “I don’t know,” Drew said.  “I honestly don’t know.”

        “He wouldn’t,” Jeff said.  “Nick knows how intensely private this is.  Nick would never betray your confidence.”

        “I don’t know,” Drew said again.

        “Nick wouldn’t have told Lance,” Jeff said.

        “No, but if he told someone else, that person may have told Lance,” Drew said.  “AJ.  JC.  Justin Timberlake Chasez.”

        “God.”  Jeff couldn’t believe this was happening.

        “Maybe it wasn’t Nick telling someone.  Maybe Lance just saw something.  Justin knew without being told.  If he saw things, who else has seen?” Drew asked.

        “No,” Jeff said.  “Justin knows because he knows us, because he’s on tour with us, because he shares our personal space.  Justin knows because he’s one of us.”

        “All that time, all of those hotels, running around the hallways, in and out of each other’s rooms.  Nick and Nick in the hallway.  Everything else.  We were so blind, we were so stupid, we were so wrapped up in our damned libidos that we put everything out there for anyone to see.”

        “No,” Jeff said.  “It wasn’t about our libidos, it was-”

        “Don’t tell me what it was about!” Drew shouted.  “I know what it was about!  Every time I remember your hands on me, his mouth on me, I remember exactly what it was about!”

        “I know what it was about, too,” Jeff said.  “I know what it still is about.  I’m not in this from your side of it, but I still live it every day.  It’s terrible, and I know it’s killing you.  And right now you’re terrified, and you’re angry, and your world is coming down.  But we can work on this.  We’ll talk to Nick.  We’ll talk to Lance.  We’ll make sure we know who’s said what to whom.  Once we find out how Lance knows, we can control this.”

        “Do you know what will happen to 98 Degrees if everyone knows?” Drew asked.  “Do you have any idea?  Our careers are over.”

        “That is not going to happen,” Jeff said firmly.

        “It had to happen,” Drew said.  “It had to come out.  We deserve this.  I deserve this.  I tried to have something I never should have wanted.  I went against God and nature and society, I did something sick and evil, and now I have to pay.  I knew this would happen.  I knew I’d suffer for it.”

        “You sound just like your brother,” Jeff said.  “Taking everything on yourself, making things bigger than they really are, piling guilt on top of guilt like you’re some kind of martyr.  So big and dramatic.  You know what I’ve always wanted to say to him when he does that?”  Jeff flicked Drew in the forehead.  “Shut the hell up.”

        “This is serious!” Drew said.  “Maybe it’s not so big for you, maybe it’s not that serious, maybe you’ll get to be the big man now that it’ll be public that you got to have your cake and eat it, too.  Good for you.  But for me, for Nick - - I thought you’d understand, I thought that you of all people would know-”

        “Drew-”

        Drew pushed Jeff away.  “Don’t touch me!”

        “Drew-”

        “Don’t touch me!”

        “Drew!”  Jeff grabbed him by the arm and pulled him in, not letting go, gripping both of his forearms, staring into his eyes.  “I love you, and I do understand.  I understand as well as anyone can.  This guilt and this shame have been eating you alive.  You and Nick know a pain only you can describe.  If anyone knows, one person, ten people, the world, it changes everything.  Right now, you’re suffering horrible fear and doubt.  You’ve barely adjusted as it is, and now the eyes of strangers are bringing it all back again, tenfold.  I love you.  You know how deeply I love you.  I will not let you bring this on yourself.  I will not help you drown in the fear.  We will talk to Nick, and Lance, and we will figure this out.  Then we will do what we can to make sure this never happens again.”

        “I can’t tell him,” Drew whispered.  “I can’t do that to him.”

        “I know,” Jeff said, folding Drew in his embrace.

        “It’ll kill him,” Drew said.  “He won’t recover from it.”

        “You make sure you recover from it,” Jeff said.

        “I don’t know if I can,” Drew said.  “I don’t know if I should.”

        “Ssshhh,” Jeff said, rubbing his hand over Drew’s back as Drew began to shake in his arms.  “It’s all right, it’ll be all right.  We’ll take care of it.”

        “I’m so scared,” Drew whispered.

        “I know, baby.  I know.  I’ll take care of you.  It’ll be all right.”  Jeff kissed Drew’s shoulder and closed his eyes.  “It’ll be all right.”

        The bedroom was empty, but Chris refused to panic.  His bags were in the room now, so he opened them and found clothes.  Dressed, he walked through the house.

        Howie was in the kitchen, washing lettuce.  When he entered, Howie turned to him and pressed a kiss to his cheek, then went back to washing lettuce.

        Chris fidgeted.

        Howie handed him a plate.

        Chris picked at his sandwich.

        Howie steered him to the table.

        Chris sat and picked at his sandwich some more.

        Howie was eating calmly.  Quietly.  Like not much was going on.

        Chris was going nuts.

        Howie still hadn’t said anything.  It was impossible to tell what he was thinking.  He was too freaking calm.  Did he hate it?  Love it?  Of course he hated it, of course he did, but he wasn’t showing it, wasn’t showing one sign.  Just sitting there eating.  Silently judging.  Silently hating.  Silently driving Chris insane.

        Chris wondered if Howie would break up with him over it.

        “Your mom called while you were in the shower,” Howie said.

        “I’m going to impale myself on this fork if you don’t talk to me,” Chris said.

        “That’s a little drastic, Chris,” Howie said.  He sat back.  “I’m not sure what to say.”

        Okay, that was a good beginning.  “What’s your biggest stumbling block?”

        “I don’t know what it means,” Howie said.

        “It means what it says,” Chris said.  “Eternal property of Howard D. Dorough.  I thought that was pretty clear.”

        “I know that, but…  Why?” Howie asked.

        “Because that’s what I am,” Chris said.  “That’s what I consider myself to be.  I’ve given myself to you.  I’m giving myself to you.  Maybe you want me, maybe you don’t.  That doesn’t really matter.  I’m still yours, and I’ll always be yours.”

        “You’re more than that,” Howie said.  “You’re more than my lover.”

        “I’m a lot of things,” Chris said.  “Everything I am, it’s all in me, and I’m giving it all to you.”

        “We’ve…  You’ve been walking a very fine line,” Howie said.  “The line between adoration and subservience.  The line between being my lover and being my…”

        “Lapdog,” Chris said.

        “I love you for your independence.  I love you because you are who you are, and because you know you don’t have to conform to succeed.  I want you as my lover, my equal.  I want us to be partners.  I know that there’s self-doubt and insecurity in you.  If this is about that, if this is you stamping yourself as property because it’s an easy way out, then I hate it.  I hate it and I don’t want to see it.”

        “It’s not about that,” Chris said.  “I know who I am.  You make me severely woozy inside, I’ll admit it freely.  I’ve had doubts about myself for a long time.  I’ve had doubts about us since we first got together.  But I’m working on all of that.  This isn’t about that.  This is about me saying I know who I am, and everything I am, I’m devoting to you.  I love you, and I’ve given myself to you completely.  There isn’t a part of me that you can’t touch.  I don’t care who knows it.  I want people to know it, because I’m proud of it.  I’m proud to love you.  I think everyone should love you.  I don’t think everyone should get all of the perks I get, but I think everyone should love you.”

        Howie got up, pushed Chris’s chair away from the table, and crouched there on the floor.  He leaned up, nuzzling Chris’s neck, whispering beautiful sweet things in Chris’s ear.  Then he licked behind Chris’s ear, right over the tattoo, a deliciously erotic sweep of his tongue that made Chris shiver.  Then Howie’s hands were opening Chris’s jeans, and Howie’s head was in Chris’s lap, and Chris’s hands were in Howie’s hair, and it was a glorious day to be alive.

        “Don’t pull away,” Jeff said.  “I know you want to, and I know why.  Don’t go there.  It’s going to hurt worse if you do.  You have love here with all four of us.  All four of us.  We can support you.”

        Drew nodded.

        Jeff accepted that for now.  “We don’t have to tell Nick right now.  We may have to, but since we know what it’ll do to him, we can put it off.”

        “Yes,” Drew said.

        “We have to talk to Nick and Lance first.  I don’t know if you should do it.”

        “I know I shouldn’t talk to Lance,” Drew said.  “But if you do, it’ll look like an admission of guilt.”

        “Let’s talk to Nick, then.”

        “I don’t want to,” Drew said.  “If he’s been talking to people, and he finds out that Lance knows, he’ll feel terrible.  He’s going to feel awful, and I don’t want to hurt him.”

        “If he’s talking to people, he has to stop,” Jeff said.  “You have to talk to him.”

        “I need to do it in person,” Drew said.

        “You have to do it now,” Jeff said.  “Or talk to Brian.  Tell him what you know.  He can talk to Nick.”

        Drew thought about it.

        Jeff squeezed Drew’s arm.  “Brian didn’t tell you about what Lance said because he didn’t want you to go through this.  You found out anyway.  He’ll help you through it.  I’ll help you through it.  So will Nick, and Nick, too, if it comes to that.  Come on.  What do you think can happen that Brian and I can’t take care of?”

        Drew had to smile.

        “We’ll get through it,” Jeff said.

        “I wish Brian and Nick were here,” Drew said.

        “I know you do,” Jeff said.

        “Thanks for…being here.”

        Jeff smiled.  “You needed me.  Where else would I be?”

        Brian was lost to thought, gazing at the corner of Nick’s mouth.  He barely remembered what it was like not to be in love with Nick.  He remembered being young, growing up, all of those years before Nick.  But living each day without the beat of Nick’s heart?  The notion slipped through his fingers.

        The phone rang.  Brian reached past Nick for it.  “Hello,” he said quietly, not wanting to disturb Nick’s slumber.

        “Brian.”

        “Drew?”  It was great to hear Drew’s voice, but, “What’s wrong?”

        “I didn’t like that Lance had hit you.  I wanted to know what had happened.  Asking you would have been pointless; you wouldn’t have told me.  I asked someone else.”

        “Drew,” Brian said, sitting up.  “If you’d come to me-”

        “You wouldn’t have told me,” Drew said again.  “I know what Lance said.  I know what he was suggesting.  What I don’t know is how he knows.”

        “It was conjecture,” Brian said.  “Maybe he has some idea and is twisting things to accuse - - it was said in anger.  He said a lot of things.  I didn’t tell you because I knew it would cause damage.  He didn’t know what he was talking about.”

        “Who knows?” Drew asked.  “I’m not accusing you of anything, I just want to know, who do you know who knows?”

        “You, me, Nick, Nick, Jeff.  Justin.  AJ.  Kevin and Howie, but not…  I’ve never talked to them about it, I’ve never discussed it with them.  It’s never a topic of conversation.  But Kevin and Howie know me and Nick like Justin knows the three of you.  They suspected, or they had some idea, and after what happened with Lance, I turned to them to talk me down.  I’m sorry, Drew.  I didn’t know what else to do.  I had to go to someone, and I trusted them.”

        “I need you to find out if Nick’s told anyone.”

        Brian’s eyes slid to Nick.

        Nick was awake, turned to one side, looking at him, frowning.

        “Brian?” Drew asked.

        One internal click, and Brian was back.  No fear, no doubt, no wondering how he was going to do this.  He was strong.  Strong for Drew, strong for Nick.  “I’ll talk to him.”

        “Don’t do that,” Drew said.  “I know what you just did, I’ve heard it a million times.  I didn’t know what it was until yesterday.”

        Had that been yesterday?  Only yesterday?

        “You do not have to be perfect for him.  You don’t have to be perfect for anyone.  You can’t be perfect, and the stress of trying to be will end up causing too much damage.  Let it go.”

        “He needs me,” Brian whispered, tense, angry.  Drew didn’t understand.  Drew didn’t know.

        “Yes, he needs you, he needs you as you are, not some notion of perfection,” Drew said.

        “You don’t know what he needs,” Brian said.  His words came out too sharply, came out hard, came out violent and angry.  Had Drew been present in the flesh, he never would have spoken that harshly.  But Drew wasn’t in the room, was only a voice in his ear, like a voice in his head, saying things he didn’t want to hear.  Brian knew Nick better than anyone, Brian loved Nick more than anyone, and no one, no one, was going to tell him he wasn’t right for Nick, that he wasn’t treating Nick right.

        “He needs you,” Drew said.  “He needs you as you really are.”

        Brian’s anger flared and spun.  How dare he?!  How dare anyone tell Brian what Nick needed!  One more word and Brian was going to-

        “Nick loves you.  All he wants is your love in return.  You-”

        Eruption.  “Don’t tell me what to do for him!” Brian shouted.  “Don’t tell me how to treat him!  You’ll never know him as well as I do and you’ll never love him as much as I do!”

        Silence.

        “Who are you talking to?” Nick asked behind him.  “I know you’re not talking to Drew.  Tell me you’re not talking to Drew.  Tell me you didn’t fucking say that to my fucking Drew!  Give me the phone, give me the motherfucking phone!”

        Brian felt numb.  “He hung up.”  He hung up, too, and threw the phone.  It landed on the carpet across the room.

        “What the hell was that?!”  Nick grabbed his shoulder and pulled him around, staring at him in angry confusion.  “What the hell just happened?”

        Sudden understanding.  “He knows me,” Brian said, stunned by the revelation.  “He knows me.  He knows me and he loves me, he loves you, he…  No one knows me that well, I don’t think even Kevin…  He’s calling me on it.  But I can’t…”

        “I know you,” Nick said.  “You think I don’t know you?  What the hell is this, you’re yelling at Drew, I don’t know what the hell that was about, and now I don’t know you?  Get the phone.  Get over there and pick up the fucking phone, Brian.  You’re calling Drew back.”

        “You know me,” Brian said.  “I know you can see right inside me.  Right through me.  I know it and I still can’t stop.”

        “You do what you need to do,” Nick said.  “You’re my world, anyway, so you can be however you want to be and that won’t change.  If it makes you feel better to take on shit to protect me from whatever, then I guess you know what you’re doing.”

        “I can’t help it anymore,” Brian said.  “I have to.  I need to.  You’re mine and I have to…  I have to keep you safe, I have to stand between you and the world, I have to-”

        “What do you think is going to happen?” Nick asked.  “What are you protecting me from?”

        “I don’t know anymore,” Brian said, putting his forehead to Nick’s, closing his eyes.  Even with his eyes closed, his hand rose unerringly to cup Nick’s face, fingers finding Nick’s soft lips.  “Everything.  Everyone.  I did it before, I protected you before, but I did it backwards.  Now I’m doing it the right way.”

        “You protected me before, backwards?  When you left me?  That was protecting me?”

        “Yes,” Brian said.  His voice was soft.  Behind his closed eyelids, he could still see Nick.

        “I loved you,” Nick whispered.  “So much.”

        “I know,” Brian said.  “I loved you with everything I had.”

        “Then why did you leave me?”

        Brian didn’t say anything.  He couldn’t.

        Nick pulled back.  “Call Drew.”

        Brian opened his eyes, hand dropping.  Nick had put distance between them.  It hurt, but he deserved it.  And Drew.  Oh, god, Drew!  Brian realized what he’d said, and to whom.  What he’d said, to whom, the position from which he’d said it, Nick’s lover, Nick’s owner, superior and righteous, Nick by his side.  To Drew, Drew, and he could only pray that Drew’s strong sense of self would rebuff his words, because if Drew let those words in, the damage they could do…

        Brian dialed, sitting with worried tension.

        “This had better be good.”  Drew was angry.

        Thank god.  Anger was good.  Anger was justified.  Anger meant Drew was fighting not to let Brian’s words sink in.  “I didn’t mean it,” Brian said.  “Not to you.  I wasn’t thinking about who I was talking to.  What you were saying put me on the defensive, and I was just reacting to that.  I’m sorry, Drew.  It’s not true, you know it’s not true.”

        “You said it,” Drew said.  “You said it because you think it’s true.  You said it because, in the back of your mind, no matter how close I get, what you and Nick have will always be stronger.”

        “That’s not true,” Brian said.  “Maybe once, maybe when it began, but not now.  What the three of us are coming to be is more full and complete than-”

        “I love Nick,” Drew said fiercely.  “I could justifiably say to you that you have no concept of how much I love Nick.  Nick knows, he knows how much I love him, the love and need I have for him.  I may not read his slightest glance like a book, but I am working myself to the bone to learn all of his wants and needs, so I can give him everything.  I want to give him everything, but you’re the everything he wants, so I’ve given you to him.  You, I know why he wants you, it’s the same reason I have to have you.  You’re beautiful, and you are perfect, you’re perfect in my eyes, in his eyes, but Nick and I both know, we know, that you’re not truly perfect in every sense.  But you don’t have to be perfect for us to see you that way.  That’s what love does.”

        Brian closed his eyes.

        “You are not perfect.  You don’t have to be perfect for Nick to love you.  You don’t have to be perfect to take care of him.  You don’t have to be perfect to be good for him.  You don’t have to be perfect for him.  You’re flawed, and he’s in love with you.”

        “You know me,” Brian whispered.

        “I own you,” Drew whispered back.

        Brian shuddered with the shock of it.

        “Give the phone to Nick.”

        Brian handed the phone to Nick, then lay across Nick’s lap, eyes closing again, trembling inside.

        “What the-”

        “I’m fine,” Drew said to Nick.  “Brian’s not used to being challenged.  I pushed him where he’s not used to being pushed.”

        “You’re not fine,” Nick said.  “You can’t be fine.”

        “I’ll be all right,” Drew said.  He sounded tired.  “I’ll be okay.  I believe what he said about forgetting that he was talking to me.  What he said was instinctual, reactive.”

        “It still hurt like hell.”

        “It did,” Drew agreed.  “But it wasn’t about me, it was about him, and I have to remember that.”

        “I love you,” Nick said.  “You want me to curse him out for you?”

        “No.  What’s he doing?”

        “He’s kind of curled up on my lap.”

        “Hold him for me.  Brian gives out a lot of love, and he acts like he’s strong and independent, but he needs love as badly as either of us.”

        “He acted like an asshole.  I don’t want to cuddle him.  I want to pet you.”

        “I’ll be all right,” Drew said again.  “We’ve all put too much effort into this relationship for me to let this hurt us.”

        “Now I really want to pet you.”

        “Pet Brian.  You can pretend he’s me.”

        “Not muscular enough.  I like my Drew’s hard body.”

        “Really?  I hadn’t noticed.”

        “Funny.  I love you.”

        “I love you.”

        “Bye, Drew angel.”

        “Bye, Nick.”

        Nick hung up, set the phone down, and resisted the urge to hit Brian somewhere.  Instead, he sighed and leaned down, taking Brian in his arms, stretching out, wrapping Brian in his embrace.  “I’m still mad at you, but Drew’s being extra strong, so I’m going to be nice to you for his sake.”

        “He’s the only one,” Brian said.

        “The only one what?” Nick asked.

        “The only one who loves you like I do.  That’s why I let you go to him.  I knew he’d love you like I did.  He’s the only one.”

        “You could’ve mentioned that on the phone just now.”

        “Am I good to you?”

        “Absolutely.”

        Brian memorized the feel of Nick’s hand on his waist.

        “It hurt you, too, didn’t it?” Nick asked, sounding almost surprised, like new information was revealing itself.

        “Leaving you?” Brian asked.  He tried to pull Nick closer, realized it was futile, and kept trying anyway.  Nick, as always, accomodated him, making minute adjustments to let him seem closer.

        “When are you going to talk about it?” Nick asked.  “When are you going to tell me for real?  Do you know that except for yesterday and today, I don’t remember the last time I got any kind of idea that it hurt you when we were apart?  Half the time I think maybe I was the only one in pain over it, like you were okay.”

        “I couldn’t let you know what I was going through.”

        “Are you going to tell me now?”

        He couldn’t.

        “When, Brian?”

        It was the truth: “When Drew makes me.”

        Nick laughed.  “Okay.  I can deal with that.”  Nick ruffled the hair at the back of his head.  “You know you’ve been in and out of weirdness all afternoon.”

        “I know.”

        “What’s up with that?”

        “I’m having trouble adjusting to having you back.”

        “Why?”

        “It’s too good to be true.”

        “Hey, that’s my line,” Nick said, and slipped down a little to kiss his cheek.  “What do you want, you want to make love to me again?”

        Brian felt deep stirrings of arousal at the very mention of it.  He kissed Nick’s mouth slowly, sliding his hands up Nick’s naked arms.

        “God, you’re so into it,” Nick said, running his thumb along Brian’s jaw.  “I swear, with you and Drew both lusting after me this hard, I have to be the hottest guy alive.  Justin doesn’t get this much action.”

        Brian kissed him again, loving him, wanting to be inside him, wanting to be a part of him.

        Well, he wasn’t about to memorize them, so he’d need a piece of-

        “What are you doing?” Howie asked, mildly curious, not accusing him of a damned thing, running an idle finger up his neck.

        “Feeling guilty,” Chris said, turning to face him.

        “For what?”  Howie seemed puzzled as to what he’d want with Howie’s phone, but still wasn’t close to accusing him of anything.

        Howie trusted him, and Howie had just given him several incredible orgasms, and Howie was being gorgeous right in front of him.  “I’m trying to find AJ’s phone number.”  He always had tended to blurt things in front of Howie.  His brain-mouth filter didn’t work right when his heart was turning to goo.

        Puzzlement turned to all-out confusion.  “Why?”

        “He may be our next million-dollar winner?” Chris guessed.

        “I can’t give you his number,” Howie said.  “If you want to talk to him, I can let you, but I didn’t think you…  You want to talk to AJ?”

        “Well, no, I don’t, myself, personally,” Chris said.

        Howie looked at him.  “Lance.”

        Hmm.  That wasn’t exactly a happy tone of voice.  Not an angry one, either.  More like a flat one.  “Yeah.”

        “AJ hasn’t gotten in contact with Lance, and that’s his choice,” Howie said.  “I won’t give him AJ’s number.  I won’t ask you to respect AJ’s decision, but can you respect mine?”

        “If I don’t do what Lance wants, I may have to face certain unfortunate consequences,” Chris said.

        “Did he threaten you?” Howie asked, somewhere between protective anger and disbelief.

        “He mentioned that if I don’t give him AJ’s number, certain bad events may transpire.  You’re AJ’s friend, and you don’t want to betray AJ’s confidence, and I respect that, but I’m also not looking forward to Lance turning his evil on me.”

        “Chris, what can Lance do to you?  He’s not going to run you down in his car.”

        “Well, no, maybe not.”

        “He’s not going to do anything to damage your career, even if he could.  He may have some scheme in mind, but you’re as smart as he is, if not smarter.  What can he do?”

        “There’s this…thing.  That’s very important to me.  And he mentioned that he might try to take it away from me.”

        Howie frowned.

        Chris curled his fingers in Howie’s hair.

        “Oh,” Howie said, and smiled.  “Me.”

        “Now who’s the smart one?” Chris asked, loving Howie’s smile.

        “Chris, how is Lance going to separate us?”

        “He could seduce you.  He could play some kind of mind games.  He could seduce you.”

        “Mind games wouldn’t work, because we’d be on the lookout for them.  Seduce me?  Lance?  Lance hates me.  He’d never touch me.”

        “Please tell me that’s not the only thing stopping you.”

        Howie smiled.  “Of course not.  Chris, no one could ever seduce me away from you.  No one could ever make love to me the way you do.  No one could ever touch me the way you do.  No one will ever look at me the way you do.  No one will ever make my body respond the way you do.”

        “Oh.  Well, all right, then.”

        Howie kissed him.  “I can give you the number of the last place AJ stayed, if that will help.”

        “It might.”

        “Chris.”  Howie’s thumb rubbed the hair on his chin.  “I love you.”

        “You’re going to warn me before he struts back into town?” Chris asked.

        “I will,” Howie promised.

        Chris reassured himself with Howie’s embrace.

        Brian peered over his shoulder to see.  “A chilling void.”

        “We don’t have any food?”

        “Looks like it.”

        “I’m fucking starving.”

        “Me, too.  Check the cupboards.”

        Nick started his search.  “Weren’t you home?”

        “For a couple of hours.  I was running out to see you and Drew, not shopping for groceries.”

        “I’m starving.”

        “Pizza?” Brian suggested.

        “Chinese,” Nick said.  “The place I like.  What’s it called?”

        “You expect me to know, when you don’t?”

        “Yes, I do.”

        Brian grinned.  “Would you believe I remember the number?”

        Nick kissed his cheek.  “My hero.”

        Brian called and ordered, then hung up and looked at Nick.  “Sit down.”

        “Is this a serious talking time?” Nick asked.

        “Yes.”

        “I’m in trouble?”

        “No.”

        “Liar.”  Nick started to get nervous, but he sat across from Brian at the table.  “What’d I do?”

        Brian took one of Nick’s hands across the table.  “We need to know if you’ve told anyone about what’s happened between Drew and Nick, or anything close to that situation.”

        Nick went still.

        “Nick, I’m not mad.”

        “I know.  You’re using your ‘I’m not mad’ voice.  That means you’re furious.”  Nick swallowed.  “What happened?”

        “We’ll get to that.  First, tell me who you’ve talked to.”

        “Is Drew okay?”

        “Nick.”

        “Kevin and JC.  I don’t think I told Howie, I don’t remember telling Howie, I think I’d remember that.”

        “Is that everyone?” Brian asked.  “You have to be sure.”

        “I didn’t tell anyone else.  You know if I didn’t tell Howie, the list of people who know is super short.  And I haven’t said anything to AJ, even though I know he knows.”

        “Kevin and JC,” Brian said.  “You trust JC?”

        “What happened?” Nick asked.

        “Do you trust JC?”

        “He’s my best friend.  He’s there for me.  I’m there for him.  We’re tight.  We tell each other…everything.”  Nick grimaced.

        “Lance knows.  Or suspects.  We need to know where he got the idea.”

        “Lance?  How the hell…  AJ didn’t tell him.”

        “No, AJ wouldn’t have said anything.  Neither would Kevin, Justin, or the five of us.  That leaves JC.”

        “Lance…  Oh, god, that’s what happened.  He said shit to you when he smashed your face in.  That’s why you didn’t want to tell us.”

        “Drew found out.  He must have asked someone.”

        “Oh, god, Drew,” Nick said, and his stomach dropped.  “He has to be…  Oh, god, I’m going to kill myself.  I did this to him, I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and now he’s dying.”

        “We have to talk to JC,” Brian said, to keep him focused.

        “Oh, god, oh, god,” Nick said, burying his face in his hands.  “God, I can’t fix this, I can’t make this up to him.  Drew’s my responsibility and I’ve done the one thing that can hurt him the most.  This could destroy him.  And Nick!  Oh, god.  God, I want to talk to him, I have to talk to him, but what the hell am I going to say?  I can’t say I’m sorry, not for this, this is too big.  Give me the phone, give me the phone, I have to talk to JC so I have something to tell Drew, something constructive.”

        Brian handed Nick the phone.

        “He’s my Drew, he’s my responsibility, I brought him into this, and - - JC?  Princess, we’re in serious fucking trouble.  You have to help me.”

        JC had been hoping for, and dreading, this moment.  “Any way I can.”

        “You know what’s going down?”

        “Lance?”

        “Where’d he get his information?”

        “I don’t know,” JC said.  “I didn’t tell him.  I know I’m the logical suspect, but I can’t imagine how he knows.”

        “Does anybody else know who shouldn’t?”

        “Justin.  He had a vague idea, a few things not adding up right, but it’s none of his business so he wasn’t going to get into it.  Until Lance made it too clear.”

        “Does everybody fucking know?!” Nick demanded.  “Shit!”

        “I don’t know how Lance knows,” JC said.  “I didn’t want to ask him, because that would be dignifying it with a response, and if Brian wasn’t going to, I didn’t want to touch it.  That’s not my place.”

        “Fuck!”

        “What can I do?” JC asked.

        “You’re sure he didn’t find out from you?”

        “All I can think is that he overheard us talking.  Maybe a phone conversation.”

        “This is absolute bullshit!”

        “I’m sorry, Nick.  I don’t know how this happened.  I’m sorry.”

        “What am I going to do?  I can’t fix this.”

        “I’m sorry.”

         “God, JC.  I love him so much and I’ve totally fucked him over for good.  He can’t get over this.  People knowing.  Drew can’t take that.  And Nick.  God.”

        “Let me know what I can do.  Do you want me to talk to Lance?”

        “No.  Not now.  I’ll let you know.”  Nick rubbed his eyes.  “I have to go.  Bye.”  He hung up and leaned down, his face in his arms on the table.

        “JC doesn’t know anything?” Brian asked.

        “No,” Nick said, his voice muffled.

        Brian called Drew.

        Nick wanted to go back in time.

        “It’s Brian,” Brian said softly.  “How are you doing?”

        Nick listened to Brian be gentle and strong all at once, one of Brian’s specialties.  Brian’s voice was all warm, like it wanted to wrap Drew up in soothing comfort.  Nick hated himself.

        Brian hung up.

        Nick still hated himself.

        “He’s trying,” Brian said.

        Strong Drew.

        “They haven’t told Nick yet.  They won’t unless they have to.”

        The competition for which Nick was the biggest idiot had been won.

        “You didn’t mean for this to happen,” Brian said.

        “I was asking for it,” Nick said.  “Talking to people.”

        “Kevin and JC,” Brian said.

        “I shouldn’t have talked to anybody.  None of the rest of you did.  What the hell was I doing, telling anyone?  That’s not the kind of shit you open your mouth about.”

        “Beating yourself up won’t help,” Brian said.

        “I hurt Drew,” Nick said.  “And Nick.  And Jeff.  And you.”  He crossed his arms over the back of his head.  “I promised Drew I’d keep him safe.  I love Nick.  I love Jeff.  This was all based on trust, trusting each other, taking care of each other, keeping each other safe, all five of us, and I fucked it up, I totally fucked it up.”

        “We’ll get through it,” Brian said.  “We have to be there for Drew and Nick.”

        “Why did he trust me?” Nick asked.

        “Look at me,” Brian said.

        Nick raised his head and tried to meet Brian’s eyes.

        “We’ll get through it,” Brian said.

        Nick tried to believe him.

        “What?”

        “Drew needs me.  He needs Nick and Brian, but I can be a decent substitute in a pinch.”

         “What’s going on?” Nick asked.

        “He’s missing Nick and Brian, he’s upset about Lance…  He needs someone tonight.  He needs to feel a sense of security.”  Jeff leaned in to give Nick a kiss.  “You get some sleep.”

        “You’re not telling me everything.”

        “Don’t even try to stay awake all night worrying.  Drew’s going to be fine.  I’ll share my wealth of information with you when I want to.”  Another kiss.  “I love you.  Go to sleep.”

        “I…”  Nick hesitated.

        “I know.  You can go harass Justin.  He’ll let you borrow his couch.  Sleeping on the couch, that should be familiar. Just pretend we’re having a fight.”  Another kiss.  “And don’t worry.”  Jeff ran his fingers through Nick’s hair.  “It’s just sleep.  It’s not about anything more.”

        Nick nodded.

        “Good night,” Jeff whispered, stealing one last kiss.  He left Nick and knocked on Drew’s door.

        Drew opened the door.  “Hey.”

        “Hey.”  Jeff came in, closing the door.  “Thought you might want some company.”

        “I…  You don’t have to be here.”

        “Would it help?”

        “You shouldn’t leave Nick alone.”

        “Nick’s fine.  We live in each other’s pockets; it’ll give him a chance to miss me.”

        “You don’t have to do this.”

        “Do I look like I’m being forced against my will?  Come on, I need some sleep, and you look like you could use some, too.”

        Drew hesitated.

        Jeff guided Drew to the bed.  “Come on.  I don’t molest anyone but my husband.  You’ll be safe.”

        Drew lay down, not sure where to put himself.  Jeff lay down with him, facing him.  He was drawn into Jeff’s embrace, where everything was so strong and solid he let himself relax.  He knew why Nick, and Nick, found Jeff to be a place of security.  Jeff was so confident and capable that it was hard to believe there was something Jeff couldn’t handle.

        “You’ve snared my heart,” Howie said.

        Chris didn’t say anything.  He didn’t want to interrupt.  This sounded like it was going to be very good.

        “Your intelligence, your sense of humor, your bizarre moments of pride.  Your past, your future, your present.  Your eyes, your hands, your grace.  Your love.  Your loyalty.  Everything about you, each piece of you, is a tendril, a tendril snaking around my heart.  Each tendril on its own couldn’t hold my heart, but all of them together, they have me.  You have me.  You have my heart, you have my love.”  Howie’s hand brushed Chris’s shoulder.  “All of my love.”

        That had been beautiful.  Beautiful-perfect.  Just like Howie.

        Howie pressed a kiss to his lips.  Chris kept twining the lock of hair.  In another moment, Howie was asleep.

        “Marry me,” Chris whispered.  “Please, god, marry me.”

        “If it wasn’t me, who was it?” JC asked.  “Even I don’t believe it wasn’t me.  It had to have been me.”

        “I still think Lance was guessing.  Maybe he saw one thing one time.  He didn’t say anything about Drew, he said something about Brian and a brother-in-law.  Lance probably has no clue about the whole picture.”

        “I don’t know.  I feel like shit, Justin.  They shouldn’t have to go through this.”

        “They’ll be okay.”  Justin wrapped his arms around JC, resting his chin on JC’s shoulders.  “They’ll make it.”

        “I’m so lucky to have you, Justin.  I’m so blessed.”

        Justin licked JC’s cheek.

        JC laughed.

        “Time for bed,” Justin said.  “We’re finally home, and we’re going to sleep in our own bed like normal people.  Whoever gets up first, loses.”  He started to strip out of his clothes.  “Let’s sleep all day tomorrow.  The day after that, we can talk to Lance.  And Brian, because you have some Sentimental Fools to take care of.”

        “Why did I start another whole project?” JC asked.  “Why did I do that to myself?”

        “You’re an overachiever,” Justin said.  “Me, I don’t know what that’s like.  I settle for mediocrity every time.”

        “I guess that’s how you ended up with me, and I ended up with you,” JC said.

        “Yeah, must be,” Justin said, and rolled his eyes behind JC’s back.  He dropped onto the bed in his underwear.  “Wake me when it’s Thursday.”

        “I hope you’re not talking to me, because I’ll be asleep through Saturday.”  JC got in beside Justin, pulling the sheet up over them.

        Justin slid closer and kissed JC’s mouth.  “JC.”

        “Hmm?” JC asked, kissing back.

        “I want to feel you hard against me.”

        “Okay, baby.”  JC concentrated on kissing Justin, letting his pelvis rock slowly against Justin’s hip.  He tasted Justin’s soft moans, hands gliding over Justin’s body.

        Justin tangled their tongues, rubbing against JC’s hard-on.  His right hand pushed down inside his boxer-briefs, grasping his own arousal.  The more JC kissed him, the more he wanted to come.  The more he felt how hard JC was getting, the harder he got.

        “Does that feel good, Justin?” JC asked, kissing his ear, lips soft.

        “Oh, yeah,” Justin groaned, bucking into his hand.  Sexual tension had been building in him all day, accustomed to finding frequent release; this wouldn’t take long at all.  His dick missed JC’s slender fingers and knowing touch, but his hand would do.

        “You should take your time, baby.  Really feel it.  Experience the pleasure you can give yourself.”

        “I like the pleasure,” Justin groaned at JC’s tongue on his nipple, “that you give me.”

        “I want to give you all the pleasure in the world, baby.”  JC’s hand rubbed low on his stomach.

        Justin heard all of the promise in JC’s tone, and the memories of the pleasure JC had brought him, all of the ecstasy he’d suffered, rolled over him.  JC had done so much for him, given him so much, all of those times, every last touch…  He jacked himself harder, impatiently, wanting to get off so he could focus back on JC instead of his own needs.

        “Slow down,” JC said, rubbing his hip, stroking over his pelvic bone.

        He didn’t want to slow down, he wanted to come, he wanted to get off, he oh, oh, ah, ah, JC - - Justin came, groaning softly, hips jerking.  When it was over, he raised his eyes to JC.

        JC’s eyes were on fire.

        Justin couldn’t breathe.

        “Soon,” JC promised.

        Justin splayed his cum-wet hand over JC’s chest.

        JC’s eyes closed slowly, slowly.  “Soon,” he whispered, arching his back, offering the bare expanse of his torso.

        Justin’s hand slid down, leaving streaks of jism over JC’s skin.  When he reached JC’s navel he pulled his hand back, not trusting himself.  If he touched JC’s erection, even through JC’s underwear, he wouldn’t be able to stop.

        JC turned to him again, twining around him, kissing his mouth.  “Justin.”

        Justin tried not to grind his hips against JC’s hard-on.

        “Can you take it?” JC asked.  “Can you wait?  Do you need it now, baby?”

        “No, yes, god, now,” Justin panted, feeling immense relief at the invitation.  Then he remembered himself.  “No, no, I can wait.  I can wait.  I can take it.”  He tried to back off of JC, but JC wasn’t letting him go very far.  “I can wait.  I can wait.”

        “Let me know, baby,” JC said.

        “No,” Justin said.  “You decide.  It has to be up to you.  If it’s up to me, it’ll be now.”

        “Do you trust me, baby?” JC asked, caressing his cheek.  “Will you let me decide it for us?”

        “Yes,” Justin said.  “You’ll know when.  You know what I need and when I need it.”

        JC kissed him.  “It’ll be soon, baby.  Soon.”

        He looked at Chris’s sleeping face in the moonlight.  Relaxed, Chris’s eyebrows didn’t do the skeptical lift or the demonic tilt; they made Chris look calm, which was an unusual, though very attractive, look for Chris.  Howie kissed between them, at the bridge of Chris’s nose, and ran his fingers over Chris’s stubble.

        “You’re amazing,” Howie whispered.  “I love you.  I will marry you, Chris, as soon as you let me.”

        Shit.  He should have known.  Brian had some sort of internal alarm system that went off every time he didn’t want Brian to know he was leaving the room.  Somehow Brian, dead asleep, always knew the difference between when he got up to piss and when he got up to go off and sulk.

        He turned.  “Go back to sleep.”

        “Come here,” Brian said, sitting up.

        “I’m just going to dig through the leftovers,” Nick said.  “Go back to sleep.”  He ducked out, escaping as casually as he could.  He hadn’t actually intended to go to the kitchen, but now that he’d mentioned it, he might as well do it.  The light was bright, and the floor was cool.  He found a fork and sat at the table with a carton of fried rice.

        Of course Brian showed up seconds later, sitting down across from him, all sleepy around the eyes, wearing boxers and his T-shirt.  He fed Brian a few forkfuls, just to avoid conversation.  When he saw that Brian was about to say something, he spoke first, to divert Brian’s attention.  “I thought I told you to go back to sleep.”

        “I’ve spent too many nights sleeping without you,” Brian said.

        Well, shit.  That ended that.  Nick tried to come up with another diversion.

        “Maybe you should go back,” Brian said.

        “Back where?” Nick asked, feeling things get tight inside.

        “Back to Drew,” Brian said.

        “Don’t start,” Nick said.

        “I’m serious,” Brian said.  “It’s not right, leaving him alone like this.  Especially now.”

        “What about JC?” Nick asked.  “Justin?”

        “Chris and Joey and Lance and I can take care of them,” Brian said.  “Drew is more important.”

        “Do you know what Drew and I went through over this?  We finally made the decision, I finally accepted it, I’m here, I’m fucking here, and you’re going back on it?  All of those reasons still stand.  JC still needs me.  That hasn’t changed.”

        “Other things have changed,” Brian said.

        “If I go, just to reassure him for a few days, and then come back, what is that going to do to him?  Me coming and going?  Having me back, but not being able to keep me?  When we left this time, it was okay, he could handle it, he was getting himself set.  I can’t stir all of that up again, it’ll be too hard.”

        “I know,” Brian said.  “But he needs us right now.”

        “I left you to go to him.  I left him and now I’m with you.  I can’t go back and forth anymore.  It’s too hard, Brian.  I can’t walk away from anyone anymore.  I have to stay put.  I can’t…  I can’t let you go again.”

        “I can’t go,” Brian said.  “He needs us.”

        “I know he needs us,” Nick said.  “But we can’t be there.”

        “He’s alone,” Brian said.

        “Jeff and Nick are there.  Nick doesn’t know what’s going on, but Jeff does.  Jeff can take care of him.”

        Brian turned his face aside.

        Shit.  The Jeff thing.  Nick practiced keeping his mouth shut.

        The silence stretched.

        Nick waited.

        “I never said I was perfect,” Brian said.

        Nick frowned.  “I know.”

        “I never said I was a saint.”

        “I know,” Nick said.  “You don’t even like being called that.”  He wasn’t exactly sure how this related to that, or where Brian was going with this conversation.

        Nowhere, apparently.  Brian got up and left the kitchen without saying anything else.

        Nick wondered what the signs of a mental breakdown were.  He put the rice back in the fridge, tossed the fork in the sink, turned off the lights, and went back upstairs.  Brian was in bed, huddled up, not close to sleep.  Nick spooned up behind him, holding him close, nuzzling into the back of his neck.  Brian stayed tense.  Nick could be patient.  Brian relaxed a notch or two.  “Go to sleep,” Nick whispered.

        “I do love you,” Brian said.

        “Um, duh,” Nick said.  “I love you, too.  Go to sleep.”

        “Doing the right thing isn’t as simple as it sounds,” Brian said.  “It’s never as black-and-white as it seems like it should be.”

        “I guess not,” Nick said.

        “It’s hard to know what to do,” Brian said, his voice all quiet and torn in half.

        Maybe they were talking about Brian leaving him.  Maybe they were talking about Brian hating Jeff.  Maybe they were talking about everything, all of the time, all of the times that Brian had to decide how to react and what to do.  Doing the right thing was really important to Brian, and to Kevin.  Nick wasn’t all that sure about it, himself, because “the right thing” depended on who was judging the situation, and Nick didn’t always agree with what society’s rules dictated the right thing should be.  But that stuff mattered to Brian and Kevin.

        Nick kissed Brian’s hair.  “Being all-or-nothing about stuff isn’t helping.  You could try relaxing a little.  Keeping your options open.”

        Brian didn’t say anything.

        “You know you’re nuts.  One second you’re saying you don’t ever want to sleep without me again, and the next second you’re telling me to go back to Drew.”

        “I’m worried about him,” Brian said.

        “I’m scared shitless,” Nick said.  “I can’t tell how Drew’s taking stuff unless I can see his eyes.  Talking to him about it won’t do that much good, because Drew’s voice doesn’t give a lot away when he knows you’re digging for how he’s feeling.”

        “I have no idea why you think you’re stupid,” Brian said.

        “Uh...thanks.”

        “You have incredible insight into people.”

        “So do you.”

        “Yours is different.  It’s instinctive.  You barely think about it, you just understand, somehow.”

        “Guess it’ll help when I have to brainwash Justin tomorrow.”

        “It’ll be invaluable.”

        “You’re good at people, too.  So’s Jeff.  So’s JC, but he barely uses his.  Except on me.  That sucks.  People need to stop reading my brain.”

        “You share so much of yourself, it’s hard not to,” Brian said.

        “You, Drew keeps saying you read me at a glance, and he’s right.  You give me one look and you have a detailed list of every thought in my head.  You always know how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking.”

        “You’re the same way with me.”

        “Yeah, but I keep it to myself.  You keep using your information against me.”

        “I don’t use it against you.”

        “When I know there’s fucked-up shit running through your head, I let you work it out.  When you know there’s fucked-up shit running through my head, you have to try to give me therapy.  I hate that.  Let me be fucked up once in a while.  You’d hate it if I called you on all of your shit.”

        “Drew called me on it today.”

        “Yeah, well, he’s exercising his rights.”

        Brian sighed.

        Nick yawned.

        “Go to sleep.”

        “Like it’s a brand-new idea,” Nick said.  “I told you to go to sleep ages ago.”

        “Good night.”

        “Good night.”  Nick left a kiss on Brian’s shoulder.  “Sweet dreams.”