Copyright April 2, 2002-June 23, 2003 by Matthew Haldeman-Time

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Thus far we've had JC/Justin, Nick/Drew/Brian, Nick/Jeff, Nick/Drew/Brian/Nick/Jeff, AJ/Lance, AJ/Howie, AJ/Kevin, Chris/Howie, and partridge/pear tree.

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashwriters.

Wherein Drew won't go behind Brian's back, AJ can screw anybody he wants, and could JC be mellowing?

Notice: First, read "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," "Rest in Peace," "Destiny," and "Together." I know it sounds like a lot, but it'll only take you an hour or two.

        Lance opened the door.  “I don’t have any girls, any guys, or any coke, and I haven’t touched the bar.  You can go back to your friends.”

        “They’re your friends, too,” Joey said, coming into the room, closing the door.

        “I don’t want to discuss how pretty Kevin is and I don’t want to reminisce about hitting AJ and I don’t want to watch JC fawn all over Justin.”

        “I know,” Joey said.  “I’m sorry.”

        “You don’t have anything to be sorry for, Joey.”

        “Do you want to go out?” Joey asked.

        “No,” Lance said.  “I’m tired.  I’m tired of fucking around.  I’m tired of hating everyone who touches me.  I’m tired of hating everyone who won’t touch me.  I’m tired of hating myself.”  He rubbed his eyes.  “Let’s just get drunk and watch porn and pass out.”

        “Okay,” Joey said.

        “They think I’m hot,” Lance said, and laughed like it hurt.  “God, Joey, they think I’m hot.”

        “You are hot,” Joey said, not knowing what he was supposed to say, going with the truth.

        “It’s not doing me any good, though, is it?” Lance asked.

        Joey didn’t know what to say to that, either.

        “Come in,” Drew said, sounding like he was so shocked he was running on auto-pilot.

        “Hi.”  Brian closed the door behind himself, giving them a warm smile.

        “What happened to your face?” Drew asked.

        “We can talk about that later,” Brian said.  He looked to Nick and his friendliness made a gradual slide into concerned love.  He asked, softly, “Nick?”

        The shock on Nick’s face was almost painful to see.  He took an unconscious step forward, and blinked slowly, clearly expecting Brian to disappear.  Yet Brian remained.  Slowly, slowly, Nick raised his right hand.  Brian held still, waiting, looking up at him with patient love.  Nick’s knuckles grazed the unmarred side of Brian’s face, one high cheekbone, one unblemished cheek.

        Brian came closer, moving into Nick’s space uninvited because he had that right.  His touch skimmed Nick’s jaw with aching tenderness.  “Nick.”

        Nick’s eyes were tortured blue.  Nick broke his silence.  “Brian?”

        “I’m right here, sweetheart, right here,” Brian whispered, stroking Nick’s face.  “Nick.”

        “Brian?”

        Brian’s fingers ran through Nick’s hair, the ends soft, the roots wet with the sweat of sex.  He smoothed Nick’s eyebrows, touched the round curves of Nick’s nose, stroked Nick’s jaw, traced a path beneath Nick’s lower lip.  “You look older,” Brian said, his voice soft.

        Nick sucked in his breath to keep from sobbing.  Brian was standing too close to him, those crystal blue eyes too close, those wandering fingers touching and touching and touching all on his face.  Too close, too much, scaring, smothering.  He had no room, it was all Brian, and he knew it wasn’t real.  He was dreaming, fantasizing, hallucinating.

        “You look younger,” Brian said.  “Older and younger.  Happier but…incomplete.”  His fingers drew gentle lines down Nick’s cheek.  “I don’t know how I passed one day without looking at you.  I don’t know how I lasted a day without these eyes.  I don’t know how I made it through without being able to touch you.”

        Nick closed his eyes.  It hurt to look at Brian.  Too much love.  It couldn’t be real, this couldn’t be Brian, and he just wanted it to be over before he started believing in it.

        “Nick, please.  I love you.  I’ve been away for too long.  It hurts me to be without you.  All of this time away from you, never seeing you, never touching you, not hearing from you day after day…  I’m not myself when I’m not with you.  My heart hurts, it hurts, I’m broken inside without you.  I talk about how strong I am with your love to sustain me, but I need your touch to sustain me.  I need to be able to look into your eyes.  I need to look at you and hear your voice and feel you near.”

        Nick sat on the floor, left hand holding onto Drew, his other hand pulling the comforter close around him, a protective barrier.

        Brian sat with him, cupping his cheek in one hand.  “I love you, Nick.  Every day without you was unfamiliar.  I had to learn how to be without you all over again every day.  The weeks turned into long, dark tunnels.  Everything was dark and foreign, and when I laughed, it sounded hollow, because you weren’t there to laugh with me.  There was no light in my world.  You are the light in my world.”

        That was exactly how he’d felt, exactly, every day unfamiliar, long dark tunnels, re-learning every day how to live without Brian.  That was how he’d felt, how it had been, and he’d tried not to hurt Drew with it so he’d never talked about it, but now someone else knew, someone else understood, and it made his pain all the more real.  Nick lowered his head to his raised knees, releasing his pain, his grief, his loneliness.  Brian was quick to wrap him in loving arms, soothing his hurt.  “Ssshhh, sweetheart, it’s all right.  Nick, I love you, I love you, I’m here, I’m back.  Ssshhh, it’s all right, it’s all right.  I came back, it’s over, it only felt like forever but it wasn’t, not really.  I love you, you’re my best friend, you’re my other half, you’re beautiful and I missed you more than I ever thought I could.  Ssshhh.  Nick.”

        Nick put his arm around Brian, moving into Brian’s embrace.  He should have known that Brian would understand how he felt.  Brian was his best friend.  He was Brian’s best friend.  They always understood each other.

        “Oh, Frack,” Brian whispered.  “I love you.”

        Nick knew his voice was coming out too shaky.  “Frick.”

        “I missed you,” Brian said.

        Nick closed his eyes and held on a little tighter.  “Yeah.”

        “Nothing’s the same without you.  Nothing’s as fun without you.”

        “I know.  Poor lonely pixie.”  Nick nuzzled into Brian’s neck.

        “Very lonely pixie,” Brian said.  “What do you have on under this thing?”

        Nick thought about it.  “Nothing.”

        “Really?”

        “Pervert.”

        Brian laughed.

        Laughter.  Brian’s laughter.  It sent warm happiness to Nick’s brain.  Brian was back.  “What are you doing here?” Nick asked, moving back from Brian’s embrace.

        Brian took Nick’s right hand in his, to maintain physical contact.  “I left the tour a little early and went home, but being home alone made me even lonelier than I already was, so I came to see you.”

        “You left the tour early because somebody took a club to your face.  Who do I have to kill?  Your perfect pixie face.”

        “It was Lance, and you’re not getting into it with him.  Do you hear me, Nick?  I’m not having you in the middle of this.”

        “All I’m going to do is fuck him up.”

        “No.  Are you listening?  No.  Tell me you won’t.”

        “I’m kicking his ass!  Lance?!  He hit you!  Look at this, your perfect perfect face.”

        “I have never had a perfect face,” Brian said.

        “You’ve always had a perfect face, and I’m kicking his ass.”

        “No, you’re not.  Tell me you’re not.”

        “Why shouldn’t I?”

        “Because I’m telling you not to.”

        “You can’t pull rank.  I’m fucking him up.”

        “Look at me.  Do I look serious?”

        Nick hesitated.  Brian looked dead serious.  “Yeah.”

        “Tell me you won’t go after Lance.”

        “What do you mean by-“

        “Tell me you won’t go after Lance.”

        “Brian-”

        “Tell me, Nick.”  Brian’s voice wasn’t taking any shit.

        Nick gave in.  “I won’t go after Lance.  Even though he deserves it.  He hit you!  It’s turning all nasty and yellow.  I’m giving JC shit about this.  He needs to keep his friends off you.”

        “It’s not JC’s fault.  It’s Lance’s fault.  And you are not going to go near him.”

        “I just said I won’t go after him.”

        “Thank you.”

        “He so fucking deserves it.  God.  That motherfucking asshole!  Who the hell does he think he is?!  You hit him back, right?”

        “I don’t want to waste time talking about Lance.”

        “Are you really here, or am I hallucinating?” Nick asked.

        “I’m really here,” Brian said, squeezing his hand.

        “I don’t believe you,” Nick said.  “My heart’s pounding.  It’s not really you.  Here.”

        “It’s really me,” Brian said.  “Right here.”  Gently, he pushed the comforter back off Nick’s shoulders, baring Nick’s chest.  His fingertips brushed across pale skin.  “Look at you.  Your eyes, your…  You’re even more beautiful than I remembered.”

        Nick shuddered, looking away, unable to withstand Brian’s touch.

        “I’ve missed you,” Brian whispered.  “You’re my best friend.”  He turned Nick’s face; Nick’s eyes raised to his gaze.  “My best friend.”  Brian’s fingers brushed Nick’s chin as he lowered his hand.  “Fun isn’t fun unless I can share it with you.”

        Nick cleared his throat.  “I thought those guys were supposed to be a barrel of monkeys.”

        “They are.  But they don’t draw faces in their peanut butter or watch movies backwards or play with sock puppets.  They don’t giggle when I tease them.  They don’t snicker when I make fun of AJ.  They don’t call me a pixie.”

        Nick swallowed his pain.  “Pixie.  Pixie.  Pixie.”

        Brian hugged Nick again, and found himself hauled into Nick’s lap, embraced by Nick and the comforter.  “Hi.”

        Nick buried his face in Brian’s neck.

        “Frack, no.  It’s okay.  I have a great idea.  A really really great idea.”

        “Yeah?” Nick asked, his voice muffled.

        “Yeah,” Brian said, running his fingers through Nick’s hair.  “Let’s never be apart again.  Isn’t that a great idea?  We’ll never be separated again.”

        “Okay,” Nick said, wrapping Brian up tighter.

        “Good.  I’m glad that’s settled.  I hated being away from you, I hated it.  I’d turn around or look up or roll over in bed, and you weren’t there.  You were never there.  You were never, ever there.”  Brian’s arms tightened around Nick’s shoulders.  “Nick.”

        “Brian,” Nick whispered against Brian’s shoulder.

        “Don’t leave me again.”

        “Pixie tears,” Nick said, worried, raising his head to look.  “No, no, no pixie tears,” he said, blotting Brian’s face with a corner of the comforter.

        “It was like before,” Brian said, grasping Nick’s arm to get his attention, to make him listen, to make him understand.  “It was like before, only worse.  I didn’t think it could get any worse, but it did.  Before, we weren’t together but you were still around, I could see you, I could talk to you, I could watch you.  This time, you weren’t there, you weren’t anywhere, I couldn’t even watch you from a distance.  You were gone.  You weren’t where I was.  You’re always where I am.  I’m always where you are.”

        Nick watched, appalled, as another tear slid down Brian’s cheek.

        “I love you,” Brian whispered.  “You have to know how much I love you.  I need you to know that or none of this means anything.  Don’t let it all mean nothing.  Tell me you know how much I love you.”

        Nick looked overwhelmed, almost panicked.  Then he swallowed, visibly pulling himself together.  His left hand was crushing Drew’s fingers behind his back as his right arm kept Brian close.  “I know you love me.”

        “But do you know how much?” Brian asked.  “Do you know what you mean to me?  Do you know what you’ve done for me?”

        Nick was frightened by Brian’s tears and by Brian’s passion.  “You weren’t supposed to miss me this much.  You were supposed to miss me a little and maybe jack off over it once or twice, but you weren’t supposed to, you weren’t supposed to miss me this much.”

        “How could I not miss you as much as I did?” Brian asked, and the pain in his voice brought pain to Nick.  “We’ve shared a career and a bed and a love and a life and Drew.  We’ve been through everything together.  We’ve done everything together.  We live our lives together.  There’s nothing that I do that I don’t share with you.  To see the sun rise, without you by my side, made that sun dull.  You bring color to my world, and without you, everything becomes pale.  Nothing is fun or bright.  Nothing matters as much.  I didn’t realize how numb I was becoming inside, until I walked in here and saw you, and I felt again.”

        Nick touched Brian’s wet cheek, once again looking afraid that Brian would prove a figment of his imagination.  “I know you love me.  But I don’t know how much you love me.  I don’t even know how much I love you, so I can’t know how much you love me.  All I know is that when you say my name and look into my eyes, I get this feeling like there’s warm light shining inside me that you put there.  I don’t know what it is or where it comes from, but it makes me feel good about myself, so I know I didn’t do it.  I think it’s you, or you inside of me, or your love doing things to me.  If your love can do things like that to me, you must love me a lot.”

        “I do,” Brian said, fingers in Nick’s hair, his forehead against Nick’s.

        Nick closed his eyes.  “I think I know how much you love me.  I just don’t want to believe it’s true, because you love me too much.”

        “I could never love you too much,” Brian said.

        “Sometimes…sometimes I think…you love me as much…as much as I love you.”

        “I think so, too.”

        “That’s a lot,” Nick whispered.

        “Nick,” Brian whispered, thumb stroking Nick’s temple.  “I don’t know whether I missed my best friend or my lover more.”

        “Me, too.”  Nick opened his eyes.  “God, I’ve missed looking at you.”

        Brian kissed him.

        Jeff muted the TV, since Nick clearly had something to say.

        “I don’t want to alarm you,” Nick said, “but Brian is here.”

        “What?” Jeff asked.

        “He’s here.  I only saw him for a  second, he was walking into Drew’s room, but it was Brian.”

        “Here?” Jeff asked.

        “I don’t think he’s staying, I mean, he can’t be staying, he’s probably going back with Nick tomorrow.  We might not even have to see him.”

        “Since when are you trying to avoid Brian?”

        “Since I don’t know how he feels about us.”

        “We all know how he feels about you.”

        “What’s that supposed to mean?” Nick asked, sounding surprised.

        “Nothing,” Jeff said.  “I’m being catty.”

        “Would this be a good time to apologize?”

        “That depends on what you’re apologizing for,” Jeff said.

        Nick walked through the dark room towards Jeff, whose face couldn’t be read in the flickering television light.  “I’m sorry I left.”

        Jeff remained still while Nick sat down beside him.

        “I don’t want to explain because it’s humiliating, but I will if it’ll make you more likely to forgive me,” Nick said.

        “Why is it humiliating?” Jeff asked, still facing the TV.

        “Carter suggested that I try something.  It’s sort of a…  It’s kind of like role-playing.”

        “You wanted to try it, but you chickened out.”

        “I did not chicken out!  I just don’t feel right doing it.”

        “Obviously you wanted to do it, or you wouldn’t have been horny all day.  You chickened out because you were afraid of rejection.”  Jeff sounded distant, almost cold.

        “Maybe I did.”

        “You did.”

        “I did!”

        Silence from Jeff.

        Nick tried to think of what to do next.

        “What was the scenario?”

        “I can’t talk about sex when you’re using that icy, dick-shrivelling voice,” Nick said, not to be mean, just to explain.

        “Then we won’t talk about it.  Go to bed.”

        “Are you coming?”  That slight, uncertain, almost pleading tone in his voice shamed him, but at least he hadn’t outright begged.

        “I might.  Later.”

        That meant no, at least not until Nick was deep asleep.  “You should go to bed now, too.  You need your rest.”

        Jeff didn’t say anything.

        “I’m staying as long as you’re staying.”

        “Suit yourself.”

        Nick watched the muted TV, but he barely registered what was on-screen.  He wasn’t sure exactly why Jeff was mad at him.  Well, obviously Jeff was mad because they’d been about to go for it and he’d jumped up and left without an explanation.  But Jeff saw layers Nick didn’t see, so Jeff might be mad at him for something else, some offense he hadn’t intended, within that situation.  He didn’t want to ask why Jeff was mad at him, because he’d look like a jackass doing it, but Jeff wasn’t giving any clues.

        Jeff sighed.  “Come here,” he said in his long-suffering, I am in love with such an idiot, voice.

        Nick, who’d always liked that voice, slid closer on the couch.  He got as close as he could, pressing right up against Jeff’s near-naked body.  He was about to be forgiven, and he knew it, and that had him feeling better already.

        “We don’t do a lot of kink,” Jeff said.  “Maybe you weren’t sure how I’d respond to the idea.  Nick, you can tell me anything.  We’re partners.  When have you had a sexual desire I haven’t made sure got thoroughly satisfied?”

        Jeff was very good at satisfying him.  Nick put one arm over the back of the couch, an inch from being around Jeff’s shoulders.

        “If you want to try something out, tell me about it.  I can help you with it.  You don’t have to be embarrassed.  You’ve humiliated yourself in front of me plenty of times.”

        Nick put a hand on Jeff’s arm.

        “Are you listening to me?” Jeff asked.

        “Yes,” Nick said.

        “From now on, if you’re worried about something, it might be easier if you just talked with me about it.”

        “Right.”  Nick leaned in to kiss Jeff’s cheek.

        Jeff’s hand on his chest kept him back.  “What were you trying to start earlier?”

        “What?”

        Jeff’s gaze was firm in the light from the television.  “What were you trying to do?”

        “What?  Nothing.”

        “Do I need to give you the ‘you can trust me’ lecture?”

        “No.”

        “Because you know that you can trust me.”

        “Yes, I know that.”  He did.

        “Then why aren’t you telling me what I want to know?”

        “It was stupid.”

        “I’ve never known you to want anything stupid in bed.  Don’t I tend to enjoy what you enjoy?”

        “Yeah.”

        “What’s it going to take for you to tell me?” Jeff asked.  His voice softened, and his hand crept up Nick’s chest.  “What if I use a warmer tone?  Would that help?”

        “Yeah,” Nick said, feeling a sudden warm flush through his body as his dick hardened.

        “What if I give you a kiss?” Jeff asked, his lips close to Nick’s.  “Would that help?”

        “Yeah,” Nick said, defenses crumbling.

        Jeff’s kiss was light.  “Were there any whips involved?”  His thumb flicked Nick’s nipple.  “Handcuffs?”

        “No,” Nick said.  The idea of Jeff submitting to being handcuffed, to having that kind of control over Jeff, sent a surge of hot lust straight to Nick’s brain.  He was going to have to get out of these jeans in another minute, or risk damaging important parts.

        Jeff, the best lover ever, took care of it for him.  Nick groaned at the press of Jeff’s hand to his groin, but when he heard the rip of the zipper and felt the constriction lessen, he moaned in gratitude.  Jeff freed Nick from his underwear, gently squeezing him with a warm hand.  “What were you planning to do?” Jeff asked, and kissed his earlobe.  “Insert strange new things into my body?”

        “No, no,” Nick said, knowing that it was important to keep the thread of this conversation, trying to stay on track.  He’d been wanting Jeff all day, and he’d gotten a decent start at least twice, but they’d never really accomplished anything.  Now he was paying for it, because the quick urgency building in his groin was overriding all of his faculties, and he knew he’d be confessing to Jeff in exchange for a handjob within seconds.

        “Role-playing, I believe you said,” Jeff murmured into his ear, licking the rim of it, thumb rubbing across the head of his erection.  “Role-playing.  A little doctor-patient?  A little naughty schoolboy?  Maybe some flight attendant-irate passenger?”

        Nick tried to shake his head no, but when he turned his head to the right, he met Jeff’s gaze, and the lustful gleam there had him trapped.  He was at Jeff’s mercy, and they both knew it.  The smartest thing Nick could do would be to get up and away from Jeff before he spilled his secrets with his cum.  But baser instincts prevailed.  Jeff was making his dick feel good, and therefore, Nick wasn’t budging.

        Jeff came into his lap, straddling him, riding him, arms over his shoulders, looking into his eyes.  Jeff ground against him, and the hard heat of Jeff’s erection through Jeff’s underwear had him moaning in hot desperation.  Nick caught Jeff’s hips in his hands and kept Jeff in place, encouraging Jeff to rock against him.  Jeff humored him, leaning in to whisper again.  “Do you want me to be your little French maid, Nick?”

        “Oh…  Ooohhh…”  Nick groaned, closing his eyes, feeling the urgency mount.  Oh, god, that felt so good…

        Jeff was creating just the right tension, rocking against Nick steadily, muscles in his ass and thighs flexing in Nick’s hands.  His voice was soft, sexy, offering fantasies that had nothing to do with his words.  “You could be the star quarterback and I could be your towel boy.”

        “Oh, oh, ah, ah…  Ah…”  Oh, god, so close, a little more…  His balls were snugging up tight to his body, and his blood was on fire, and he just needed one more little…

        “Maybe you could be the big famous pop star and I could be your adoring worshipful groupie.”

        Sexual bliss exploded behind Nick’s eyes and warm thick jism rushed between their bodies.

        “Mm-hmm.”  Jeff got off of him.  “I thought so.”

        Nick had let go of Drew, and now both hands were working at Brian’s clothes, hurrying over him, undressing and groping all at once.  When Nick’s hand curled around his hard cock, Nick’s satisfied groan was at least as loud as his was.

        He was back in Nick’s hand.  He was almost home.  The warmth of Nick’s familiar touch, the experience Nick had in pleasuring him, were almost too great for Brian to bear.  He’d been away from Nick for far too long, and he was too susceptible to this passion.

        “Brian,” Nick said, panting it, fisting Brian’s cock.  The two of them moved as one, lowering Nick’s back to the floor, laying him down on the comforter.

        He was over Nick once again.  They were horizontal, and he was on top.  Memories stormed Brian, a siege of lust, and he kicked off his jeans, making sure nothing would come between him and Nick.

        Nick was Brian’s physical paradise, his sexual haven, his body’s home.  Brian was always welcome in Nick's arms, in Nick's body.  He lived off of the sexual heat Nick generated.  He fed on Nick’s sprawling sexuality.  The pleasure Nick gave to him went so far past satisfaction it spiralled into hunger again.

        Brian realized that Nick was making a steady, repetitive, greedy sound.  The wanton noise inflamed Brian’s lust, hardening his erection.  It was a sound Nick made when Brian was in him and thrusting.  Nick was early.  Brian wasn’t even…

        Brian was tongue-fucking his mouth.  It was an unconscious, focused assault, fast and thorough, taking over Nick’s mouth the way Brian intended to take over Nick’s body.  Nick was welcoming it, asking for it, encouraging Brian to use and possess.

        The realization of it almost made Brian’s pleasures climax, but he loosened Nick’s hold on his erection just in time.  Nick, well-taught, put his hands in safer places, stroking Brian’s limbs, caressing Brian’s body.

        Brian eased his kiss to a less aggressive one, still in control but allowing Nick more freedom.  Nick kissed him without inhibition, fucking and exploring, lewd and wet.  Brian’s cock throbbed, dangerously close to orgasm at the promises Nick’s mouth made.  He had to get in Nick right away, before he came, because he was not having one more orgasm outside of Nick’s body.  He’d masturbated and masturbated over this, and now that it was this close, he wasn’t loosing his seed anywhere but inside Nick.

        Brian hated to leave Nick’s mouth, but he raised his head.  The instant their eyes met, Nick knew what he wanted; and in seconds, Nick was pressing it into his hand.

        Brian looked down Nick’s body.  It looked…different.  Harder.  More…defined.  Was his memory playing tricks on him?  Brian’s fingers traced a new line of muscle in Nick’s arm.  His beautiful Nickolas’s beautiful body.  Brian kissed Nick’s chest.

        Nick raised his leg over Brian’s shoulder, offering himself.

        Brian’s vision sharpened as his mind reeled.  Nick.  Nick’s cock, thick and erect, dark with passion, pearling precum onto Nick’s stomach.  Nick’s balls, the golden fur inviting Brian’s tongue.  That small, puckered hole, the entrance to Nick’s body, the font of a thousand fantasies, the door to the place Brian called home.

        Slicking his fingers was second nature to Brian.  He slid one finger in, testing.  Nick hadn’t been entered today, and the anticipation of feeling that tightness fit around his dick made Brian’s balls draw up close.  Nick adjusted quickly to his touch, relaxing just enough, moaning softly, eyes closed, back arched slightly.  Nick’s heart was beating out “fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me,” and Brian was ready to answer Nick’s heart’s call.

        Brian lifted Nick’s hips, moving into position.  Nick groaned, snaking one hand into his own groin, grasping himself.  Brian gave two deep thrusts, and was home.

        Home, inside Nick’s body.  Home, connected with Nick, fitted to Nick.  Home, deep inside this contracting heat that felt so good it made Brian’s scalp prickle.

        Nick had come on Brian’s first hard thrust, and now was moaning like a tortured soul while Brian held still.  Brian ran a finger through the white cum on Nick’s chest, then licked his finger.  He hadn’t tasted Nick in too, too long, and flashing memories of Nick on his tongue sent his hips into sharp motion.  Nick cried out, agonized, and Brian watched the suffering pleasure on Nick’s face, the pained drawing together of the eyebrows, the tension around Nick’s mouth.

        Brian didn’t have long, but what he didn’t have in time, he made up for with intensity.  Leaning in close to Nick, balancing his weight, he licked sweat from Nick’s temple.  “Nick.”

        Nick’s eyes opened, and he was naked.  Brian saw everything, his love, his need, his fears, his hopes, his desires, all of it.  Brian thrust harder, driving his cock deeper, slamming into Nick with the force of the pent-up passion he’d been denied all of this time.  Nick accepted it all, absorbing Brian’s fierce lust, moaning with greater urgency as Brian’s cock fucked him faster.

        Nick’s left hand was digging into Brian’s back.  Nick’s right hand was on his dick again, rubbing and pulling.  Brian removed Nick’s hand from there, replacing it with his own.  Nick’s erection fit perfectly into his hand, its pulsing heat familiar.

        Nick groaned Brian’s name, closing his eyes, pulling his hair, tensing and shuddering, coming too soon, unable to bear Brian’s touch.  After releasing thick spurts of jism, Nick’s body went slack, relaxing, but his gaze remained strangely intense, staring at Brian with bright greed.  He was waiting for Brian’s orgasm.  He wanted Brian’s orgasm.  He wanted Brian to come, to come in him, to find sexual satisfaction with his body.

        Reading that in Nick’s eyes, knowing that from Nick’s heart, had Brian jetting stream after stream of rich cream deep within Nick.  He cried out at the rightness of it, finally feeling things click into place.  He felt like himself again for the first time since he’d gotten into the limousine that had taken him away from Nick.

        Nick moaned softly, stretching.

        Brian, despite being in him still, wanted him again.

        Why had he agreed?  Why?  Why?!  He knew the dangers.  He knew the pitfalls.  He knew he’d had a quietly stirring fascination with Lance’s body and Lance’s sexuality for months.  He knew that porn would make him horny and alcohol would make Lance vulnerable.

        If only it had been anyone else.  Well, no, it couldn’t have been anyone else.  To Chris, “watching porn” meant “watching Backstreet videos.”  To JC and Justin, watching porn meant staring at each other.  JC was gay, anyway, so it wasn’t like he and Joey would be interested in the same kinds of porn.

        Lance kept going back and forth on whether he was gay or bi or whatever, but he’d started screwing women again, and he was watching the TV screen with a modicum of interest, so maybe he was back to being bi.

        Lance had been nice to him today.  He knew Lance had backed off of Justin for his sake, earlier.  Yeah, there had been that bitchy scene just now in JC and Justin’s room, but at least Lance had walked out instead of hitting someone.  He felt bad for Lance.  Sometimes it was sympathy.  Sometimes it was pity.  Sometimes it was anger.  Why was he the only one looking out for Lance?  Why was he the only one taking care of Lance?  Lance’s life was looking more and more like a pile of shit, and that hurt Joey.  JC, Justin, and Chris weren’t helping the situation, they were avoiding it.  AJ had disappeared entirely.  Only Joey was left, and he didn’t know what to do.

        Lance finished off the bottle.  Joey watched his adam’s apple move up and down as he swallowed.  It had been too prominent, when Lance had been younger.  Now it made Lance look more…manly.

        Lance looked at him.  “The show’s that way, Joey.”

        Joey turned back to the screen.  Right.  Sex.  Women.  Pussy.  Breasts.  Good stuff.  He needed another drink.

        “Thanks,” Brian said, and found a ticklish spot.

        Nick laughed and twisted.  “Stop it.”

        Brian kissed him, laying down with him.  “Sweetheart.”

        Nick yawned.

        Brian smiled.  “How do you feel?”

        “About what?”

        “Are you all right?”

        “What are you talking about?”

        “I want to make sure everything’s okay.  I need to know you’re all right.”  Brian licked his lips.  “Before I talk to Drew.”

        “You’re on two separate trips, aren’t you?” Nick asked.  “You do realize we’re all in the same room.  You don’t have to deal with one of us at a time.”

        “Yes, I do.”

        “Isn’t the point of being in a threesome to do stuff together?”

        “I needed to put all of my focus on you.  I needed to be there for you, completely.  Now I need to have all of my attention on him.”

        “Are you fucked up, or just acting weird?” Nick asked.

        “A little fucked up,” Brian said.  “It’s a phase.”

        “Okay.  Do you want me to freeze in this position until you come back to me?”

        “I don’t suppose you’d leave the room.”

        “No, I don’t suppose I fucking would.”

        “I know, I’m sorry.  I don’t want you to.”

        “Good.”  Nick kissed him.  “I’ll stay out of the way.  You let me know when it’s my turn again.”  Another kiss.  “I love you.”

        “I love you,” Brian said.

        “You’re still here,” Nick said, kissing him again.

        “I’ve missed you.”

        “I got that.  That’s why I’m staying right here.  But you can go and visit Drew and I’ll still be here when you get back.”

        “I know.”

        “So go already.”

        “Stop kissing me.”

        “Oh.  Sorry.”  Nick backed off.

        Brian sat up, closing his eyes.  He bowed his head, finding his focus.

        Fingers along his jaw.  A hand, lifting his chin.  Brian opened his eyes.  Drew, sitting before him, loosely wrapped in a white sheet, was looking at his face.  Brian had forgotten all about the bruising.

        There was no expression on Drew’s face.  His hand withdrew.  “Lance?”

        “Yes.”  There was an odd, new tension between them.  Dynamics had changed.  Brian was uncertain now.  He wanted things from Drew, had desires he’d done his best to keep from Drew; but Nick knew, and Nick had been alone here with Drew, and Nick had told Drew.  Brian knew it.  Maybe he’d been counting on it, counting on Nick doing his dirty work for him, counting on Nick telling Drew so he wouldn’t have to.  Now Drew knew, had heard from Nick, was privy to Brian’s dark, needful longings.  Looking into Drew’s eyes now, uncertain of his reception, Brian hesitated.  Drew might reject him, or Drew might step in the direction Brian needed to go, but whatever happened next, it was all up to Drew.

        Drew was unmoving, looking into Brian’s eyes.  There was still no clear expression on his face, and Brian was beginning to suspect that was because there was too much going through his mind to be contained in one look.  Brian wanted to know what Drew was thinking, but couldn’t tell, couldn’t read anything in those green-gold depths.

        Brian knew what he had to do.  Letting Nick do his work for him had been the coward’s way out.  Waiting for Drew to act on the information or not, also was the coward’s way out.  He had to take an active role.  Otherwise, all those long nights of whispering his secrets to Nick in the dark were nothing, not real, bullshit, because if he wanted this as badly as he’d said he did, he’d do something to get it.

        He wanted to suck Drew’s cock, to perform that service, to apologize for his absence.  Brian richly envied Nick, whom he knew had been providing Drew with blowjobs on a regular basis.  But at this moment, he didn’t know how to dance the delicate maze through his pride, his needs, Drew’s hesitation, their awareness of a highly attentive audience, and the high potential for embarrassment, to get what he wanted.  Brian shifted one leg, as though that would hide the growing tension in his cock, and looked to Drew again for a clue.

        A storm had gathered in Drew’s eyes.  A storm of need, of desire, of hunger.  For him.  Drew wanted him.

        Brian’s heart beat faster.  He sent up a silent, urgent prayer.  If it ever were going to begin, this would be the moment.

        Drew stood.

        The sheet fell.

        All uncertainty vanished.  Brian’s mouth was on Drew’s erection in an instant, his tongue licking up the vein along the underside, his lips wet over the head.  His left hand fit the curve of Drew’s calf while his right hand gripped the base of Drew’s cock, feeding it to him.  Drew was hard and Brian’s mouth worked, and that was as complicated as the equation got.

        Drew’s erection was as long as Brian remembered it, and as thick, and when he lapped precum from the fat head of it, his own cock stiffened.  He glanced up at Drew, checking for permission, then took Drew’s cock down his throat, swallowing, swallowing, hollowing his cheeks.  Drew’s soft groan of sexual pleasure made Brian want to please him more.

        Brian’s right hand slipped back between Drew’s parted legs.  One finger probed gently, gently, all the way inside.  Another soft groan from Drew, and Brian’s dick was rock-hard.  He moved on Drew’s erection, up and down, up and down, sucking and releasing, while he stroked Drew’s prostate.  He’d begun with soft suction, but now he increased it, also increasing his speed, spit and precum giving Drew a wet slide.  He slurped up and sucked down, fucking Drew with his finger, eyes closed, throat working.  He wanted Drew to come, wanted the thick splash of Drew’s cum down his throat, wanted to get Drew off.

        A sudden thrust of Drew’s hips, and Brian got his reward.  Drew came in his mouth and down his throat, bitter and hot.  It felt so good, after all of this time, after all of his dreams and fantasies, that Brian wanted to moan.  But what sent desire and happiness chasing each other up his spine was the sound of Drew’s soft, warm moan.

        Brian lingered, licking between Drew’s thighs, slowly and gently finger-fucking, until Drew touched his face.  He backed up, pulling his finger out, looking up.

        Drew knelt before Brian, and the first gentle press of Drew’s lips, the first delicate flicker of Drew’s tongue, brought everything back.  This was Drew, Drew, his husband, the one he’d been missing, the one he hadn’t been able to find anywhere.  But now, now, he’d found Drew.  Drew had found him.  Brian tilted his head, kissing at a deeper angle, running his hands over Drew’s hard body, tight muscle.  Drew’s hands were on his hips, tilting him, and Brian lay back.

        There was a slow wave of dizzying memories.  Brian hadn’t been on his back beneath another man in too long, and it felt good, it felt right, to be there again.  As they kissed, Drew’s hands were on his body, gentle yet strong, arousing, stimulating, and a firm squeeze on his inner thigh made Brian moan.

        Drew needed a haircut, and Brian twined his fingers in Drew’s thick hair.  Drew kissed across his jaw and down his neck, tasting him, not too wet, not too soft, and Brian moaned again.  He felt wanted, and he felt loved, and he knew then, beyond a doubt, that Drew had missed him.  Drew lingered, licking, sucking at the crook of his neck, while Drew’s hand renewed its acquaintance with Brian’s cock.

        Brian wanted to take a more active role, to give Drew pleasure, but it all felt too good, Drew’s hands on him, Drew’s mouth on his skin, having Drew close again, Drew’s naked body against his.  He felt like he’d been away for years, but that didn’t matter anymore, because he was back now, and Drew was back now, and they were together again.

        Drew’s hand left his erection, a frustration and a relief.  Brian ran his hand down Drew’s back to Drew’s ass, rubbing over the tight curves.  Drew felt good under his hands, good against his body, good all over.  It was still exciting to touch Drew, exciting to be allowed, exciting to feel the flex of muscle against his palm.

        Drew’s hand was on his leg, lifting, and Brian raised it over Drew’s shoulder.  Anticipation sparked through him at being moved into this position, anticipation at what was to come.  Brian had been empty inside, but that was about to come to an end.  Drew was his husband, Drew was his lover, Drew was going to give him what he’d been longing for.

        When Drew’s forefinger twisted into his body, Brian felt himself tense.  Drew growled softly against his neck and pushed deeper.  That animal sound of appreciation vibrated against Brian’s skin, transferring Drew’s lust for him, to him.  Drew wanted him, and Drew liked what Drew was feeling, and Drew was about to enjoy getting in him and getting off.

        Brian wanted Drew to growl like that again.

        His body was still trying to tighten up, to keep Drew out, but Drew was rubbing his prostate, stretching him, encouraging him to relax.  It couldn’t have been Brian’s imagination; Drew’s touch was a little more experienced, a little more confident.  That sparked a new jolt of arousal in Brian, who couldn’t help but imagine what else Drew had been learning lately.

        Drew’s finger twisted back out again.  Brian expected to feel two fingers next, but instead, he felt the fat, wet head of Drew’s cock.  Brian made a conscious effort to breathe deeply, trying not to be dragged under by a new wave of arousal.  Drew’s growl should have tipped him off.  Drew liked how tight he was.  Drew wanted him that way.  Drew was going to make love to him.  He was going to-

        Brian felt himself tensing up all over again, heard himself making pleasure-pain sounds, hurt happy sounds, felt them in his chest.  It was hurting, stretching, burning, but it felt so good, he almost didn’t care.  Drew was in him, slow to fill him, going deeper and deeper until Drew’s cock was buried inside him.  Brian shivered, too full of Drew’s big dick to make any larger movements.  Drew’s hands on his hips pushed, then pulled, moving him, resettling him, driving Drew’s cock deeper.

        Drew made a sound of infinite appreciation, obviously enjoying the feel of Brian clamped on his dick.  He pulled out, then thrust back in, tightening his grip on Brian’s hips.  The head of his dick rubbed right over Brian’s prostate, generating quick fireworks, and it happened again, and again, Drew’s thick erection thrusting into Brian, ecstasy popping in Brian’s brain, Drew grunting with excitement.  Brian moaned, moving to accommodate the rhythm of Drew’s thrusts, so overwhelmed by Drew’s fuck that he was having trouble remembering that this was real, that it was happening, that they were together, that this wasn’t one more fantasy.

        In Brian’s fantasies, they could make love forever.

        In Brian’s reality, his body could only take so much.  Already his cock was aching from overstimulation, and he didn’t have to milk it for long before he came, tightening on Drew’s erection again, calling out Drew’s name amid a series of overwrought moans.  After that, it only took a few more hard thrusts before Drew came in him, yanking his hips flush to Drew’s body, growling with the climax.

        Brian let the moment stretch out.

        Drew gradually released Brian’s hips.

        Brian flexed, testing his leg muscles.

        Drew turned his head slightly and nibbled Brian’s earlobe.

        Brian smiled, eyes closed, petting Drew’s shoulders.

        Drew went back to that same spot he’d been sucking on Brian’s neck.

        Brian sifted Drew’s hair between his fingers.  “Andrew.”

        “Hmm.”  Drew licked his collarbone.

        “Are you giving me a love bite?”

        “Yes.”

        Brian could live with that.

        “I love you,” Drew said.  He raised his head and there he was, hazel eyes, wide mouth, Drew.

        “Drew,” Brian said, warm inside, vulnerable in new places.  “I love you, Drew.”  Drew kissed him, sharing with him.  “I missed you,” he whispered.

        “I missed you,” Drew told him, giving him one more kiss.  Drew gazed into his eyes, thumb running over his cheekbone.  “I never expected this.”

        Drew was talking about his surprise visit, yes, but other things, too, and Brian understood what he meant.  “Drew…  Sweetheart…”

        Another kiss, Drew’s tongue, Drew’s hand rubbing up his side.  “Do you have to go tomorrow?”

        “In the morning,” Brian said.

        Drew nodded.  That was one thing about Drew; he didn’t push or demand.  He had the maturity to understand and accept the way things were.  Brian had to go, Brian had responsibilities and obligations, and Drew knew that.  It made things easier for Brian, but it also made things a little sadder.  “Thank you for coming.”

        “I had to be here,” Brian said.  “I couldn’t take it.  I went home, to the house, and it was full of memories but empty of you.”

        “We’ll all be home soon,” Drew said.

        “Soon,” Brian repeated.

        Neither one of them needed to say it: not soon enough.

        “Maybe you could be the big famous pop star and I could be your adoring worshipful groupie.”

        Oh, shit.

        Nick shoved his dick back into his pants, zipping up as he stood.  “Uh…”

        “Save it, save it,” Jeff said, rubbing his eyebrow, putting up a hand to keep Nick quiet.  “I know you didn’t mean it like that.  But it wasn’t entirely coincidence that you came on those words.”

        “Not…entirely,” Nick said.  Jeff didn’t seem too mad.  That had to be a good sign.

        “How close did I get to guessing your fantasy?” Jeff asked.

        “Uh…  Pretty close,” Nick said, taking a few steps forward.  “It wasn’t like that, it was…  How mad are you?”

        “I’m not mad,” Jeff said.

        Nick licked his lips.

        “I don’t know how I feel about it,” Jeff said.  “Why couldn’t you tell me?”

        “I thought it would be easier to try it than to talk about it,” Nick said.

        “I’m with you there, but was it easier to run out than to talk to me?”

        “No, that was a mistake,” Nick said honestly.  “That was wrong.  I’m sorry about doing it.”

        “Why couldn’t you talk to me about it?” Jeff asked.

        “I was embarrassed!  I didn’t know what to say, or how to say it.  Nick’s told me that you’d be interested in…something, and at first I knew there was no way it could ever happen, but then…  I thought maybe you might go for it after all.  But I didn’t know how to bring it up and I didn’t know how to initiate it.”

        “What situation were you trying to enact?” Jeff asked.

        “It’s going to sound stupid.”

        Jeff studied him.  “You’re afraid you’re going to offend me.”

        Bingo.  Nick felt relieved, for the most part.  “Yeah.”

        “Nick, I’m not easily offended.  I know you well enough to know it won’t be anything dangerous.  Just start explaining.”

        Nick hesitated.  “It’s…  You won’t be offended?”

        “Lachey.”

        Nick let it out in a rush.  “I’m the major pop star and you’re my second.”

        Jeff quirked an eyebrow.  “That sounds like reality.”

        “No, in reality, I’m the major pop star and you smack me in the back of the head whenever my ego gets too big.  This would be more like…  More like me asserting my authority over you.  If I had any authority over you, which I don’t.”

        Jeff looked thoughtful.

        “It wasn’t a groupie thing.  I don’t…  This one would be weird enough.  I wouldn’t know what to do if you were fawning all over me.”

        “I do fawn all over you,” Jeff said.  Then he smiled.  “I just space it out.”

        “Yeah.”  Nick blushed.

        Jeff put his hand on Nick’s side, urging Nick closer.  “You didn’t know how to start?”

        “Not really.”

        “Treat it like you treat everything else you want.  Go for it.”

        “You’d laugh at me.”

        “No more than usual.”  Jeff kissed him.  “Do you want to try it now, or would you rather give it a little time?”

        “I…  I don’t think I’m ready.”

        “Okay.” Jeff stroked his ass.  “Then why don’t you give me a nice wet blowjob to apologize for running out of here earlier?”

        Nick grinned.  “How about I make love to you, instead?”

        “How about you let me make love to you?” Jeff suggested, the hand on Nick’s ass squeezing gently.

        “You could give me a blowjob.”

        “You already got off!  It’s my turn.”

        “You’re so predictable.”

        “Predictable?” Jeff asked, moving his hand to Nick’s chest, stroking through Nick’s T-shirt.

        “I knew you’d want a blowjob.  ‘Give me head, Nick.’  ‘Suck my dick, Nick.’  You have a one-track mind.”

        Jeff smiled.  “It feels good.”

        “And what do I get out of it?”

        “If you didn’t get off on it, you wouldn’t do it so enthusiastically.”

        Nick narrowed his eyes.  “Enthusiastically.”

        “That’s what I said,” Jeff said, stroking a bit lower.

        “Was that an insult?”

        “If I wanted to insult you, I’d tell you-“

        “Don’t start.”

        “You don’t know what I was going to say.”

        “I don’t want to know.”

        “Your loss.”  Jeff kissed him, and the quick slide of Jeff’s tongue made Nick forget half of what they’d been discussing.

        “Are you…  You’re sort of…”

        “I’m horny, yes,” Jeff said, to help him out.  “You’ve been revving me up all day, and when I finally thought I was really going to get some, you walked out.  And that little display on the couch didn’t really help.”

        “Oh.”  Nick felt embarrassed and flattered all at once.  “Do you want me to, uh…”

        Jeff raised his eyebrows.

        Nick licked his lips, trying to think of a good way to phrase it.

        “That felt good.  Do that again,” Jeff said.

        “What?” Nick asked.  Then it connected, and he smacked Jeff’s shoulder.  “Funny.”

        “I was actually half serious,” Jeff said.

        “Did you really…  On the couch…  Were you…”

        “It wasn’t entirely to manipulate you, no.  In case you never noticed, I do enjoy getting you off.”

        “Oh.  Thanks.  You, too.”

        “So can I make love to you, or should I go jack off in the bathroom?”

        “You can make love to me,” Nick said.  “After.”

        “After what?” Jeff asked.

        Nick smiled.

        “Yes!”  Jeff was out of his underwear and on the bed in a flash, sitting up by the pillows with a grin.  “I’ve been thinking about this all day.”

        “I’m beginning to think you think about this all day, every day,” Nick said.  He pulled his shirt off over his head, then began to crawl onto the bed, licking his lips.

        Brian had spent years with Nick.  They’d started off as best friends, and that strong foundation to their relationship never had wavered.

        But the equality implied there was misleading.  He was older.  Nick had looked up to him.  When they’d become lovers, Nick had, well, not put him in charge, exactly, but stepped back slightly, to give him the lead.

        If they’d stayed that course, if they’d gone on as they’d started, Brian believed that they would have evened out, and become true equals.  Their friendship would have demanded it.

        But things had gone wrong.  Brian had done wrong.  He’d abandoned Nick.  He’d hurt Nick in ways that no one else ever had, that no one else ever could.  Brian was fully aware of the many ways he’d broken Nick’s heart.  He was fully aware of the damage he’d done to Nick’s psyche, to Nick’s soul.  He’d crippled that beautiful young man, quite possibly for life.

        When he’d gone back to Nick, when Nick had taken him back, he’d sworn that he would never let Nick be hurt again.  Out of his own guilt, he’d tried to overcompensate.  He’d become protective.  At times, he’d been overprotective.  As a result, he’d taken on a more dominant role, at the same time seeing to it that everyone knew he was in charge of Nick’s welfare.  Nick, in large part due to being damaged, had submitted and become less than Brian’s equal in many ways.

        Brian had fucked up more than once.  In trying to fix past mistakes, he’d made new ones.

        Then there was Drew.  The changes in Drew, the growth, were almost entirely because of Nick.  Brian had done little more than assist as Nick pulled, prodded, and nurtured.  Drew had begun as sexually innocent, shy, and uncertain.  Now he was open, not only responsive but also assertive.  If tonight were any indication, Drew had opened far enough to exhibit natural aggression.

        Brian had seen those traits in Drew, earlier.  He’d suspected, even known, that Drew could be dominant, assertive, and as wholly confident in a romantic, sexual relationship as in all other arenas of life.

        That had...appealed to Brian.  Called to him.  Whispered in the back of his mind and licked at his libido.  Drew had snared his attention and kept it.  He’d felt…susceptible.  Vulnerable.  Not in the same ways that he was vulnerable to Nick.  Drew affected him in new ways, different ways, ways he’d never had the chance to explore completely.

        Brian had become used to taking a more dominant role with Nick, and he’d taken on that role with Drew, too, in some ways.  For all of Drew’s life experience and maturity, for all of Drew’s confidence and natural masculinity, in some ways he’d come to them as a child.

        No longer.

        Drew had grown up.  With time, with experience, and especially here alone with Nick, Drew had come into himself fully.  He was ready to hold his own.

        He was ready for Brian.  Ready to be what Brian wanted him to be.  More than ready for it; eager for it.

        Brian had to be Nick’s rock, Nick’s anchor, Nick’s security.  He had to be strong enough to take care of himself and to take care of Nick.  Justin had asked him if he knew what a responsibility it was to be someone’s whole world.  Yes, Brian knew.  It was a tremendous responsibility.  It was a blessing, a gift, a privilege, but it also weighed heavily on him.

        While Brian supported Nick’s weight, Drew could support Brian’s.

        Brian had devoted himself, with varied success, to taking care of Nick.  Maybe now Brian had someone to take care of him.

        In the end, that would give Brian the opportunity to take better care of Nick.

        “Brian.”  Drew’s thumb was massaging circles in his back.  Releasing tension.

        Brian wanted to weep with relief right there in Drew’s arms.  He had someone to help him with his burden.  He had someone to look after him.  He had someone with whom he could let go, someone to whom he could give himself.  Someone he didn’t have to take care of.  Someone who could take care of him.

        “I’d like to move this to the bed, if that’s all right with you,” Drew murmured in his ear.

        Brian felt almost…free.  Not to mention sticky and sweaty.  “Do you mind if I take a shower first?”

        Nick coughed in the background.  Guilt, fear, and a strong protective instinct rose up in Brian as he realized that he was horribly, terribly neglecting Nick.  He moved to get up, to go to Nick, but Drew held him fast.  No, no, he had to-

        “He’s fine,” Drew whispered.  “Relax.”  Drew raised his voice.  “What do you want?”

        “I’m not here,” Nick said, “but if I were, I’d suggest a bath.  A nice, long, hot bath.  I’ll go run the water for you.”

        Brian heard a door hinge creak slightly before he heard a rush of water.

        “He’s fine,” Drew whispered again.  “He won’t learn how to take care of himself if we rush to help him.  We’re strengthening his fears by always imagining that he’s being swallowed up by them.  You’re worried that he’s feeling neglected and abandoned and left out, when he’s sitting over there rolling his balls and staring at your ass.”

        There was a lot of truth in that.  Brian was going to have to learn to let go.  How did parents do it?  He’d have to manage it.  With Drew’s help, and prayer, and - - Brian slammed the door on his next traitorous thought.  He would never look to that corner again.  Never again.  Not after devastating betrayal.

        “What?” Drew asked.  He leaned back enough to look into Brian’s face.  “What was that?”

        “Sexy pixie, you’re the one.  You make bathtime lots of fun.  Sexy pixie, I’m awfully fond of you,” Nick sang from the bathroom.

        Drew and Brian cracked up.  “He’s loony,” Brian said, laughing.

        “Come on,” Drew said, disentangling their bodies, getting to his feet.  “I want to watch the steam make your hair curl.”

        Brian let Drew help him up.  “Wait.”  He held Drew’s hand.  “I want everything to go three ways.  I want everything to be equal.  I don’t want to be this way, to treat - - but it’s what I felt I had to do, and now it’s what I’m used to, and I feel a protective instinct-“

        “I know,” Drew said.

        “I’ve let him down so often, I’ve-“

        “I know,” Drew said, squeezing his hand.  “I know.  We’ll all work on it.  No one’s asking you to be perfect.”

        “I have to be perfect,” Brian whispered.  “I have to be perfect for him.”

        “No, no, you don’t,” Drew said.  “Brian…“

        Brian turned away and tried to smile as the water in the bathroom stopped.  He couldn’t let Nick catch him upset like this.

        “What are you doing?” Drew asked, pulling him into a close embrace.  “Brian-”

        “Bathtime,” Nick said from the doorway to the bathroom.  “What’s going on?”

        “Nothing,” Brian said, bringing the cheer back into his voice, gently forcing Drew to let go.  “Can we all fit?”

        “No, because this hotel sucks.  We’re going to have to get bigger bathtubs at home so we can all get in at once.  You and Drew can get started.”  Nick’s gaze flickered between the two of them.  “What did I miss?”

        “Nothing,” Brian said again.

        “We were talking about how Brian’s not perfect,” Drew said.

        “Brian is perfect,” Nick said.

        “Is he?” Drew asked.

        “Well, not perfect perfect.  Not like that.  He’s a lazy-ass dancer, for one thing, and he bites his fingernails, and his eyes are all squinched up.  And I know he’s gotten awfully close to Timberlake lately, so we might have to have a talk about that.  He has huge nostrils, and he can be sort of rigid about some things.  And he pulls rank way too often.  What else?  I have a whole list…”

        “That’s enough,” Drew said.  “Thank you.”

        “You’re welcome.  You want to hear my list of what’s wrong with you?”

        “Maybe later,” Drew said.  “Let’s take a bath.”

        “His dick’s not as big as yours,” Nick said.  “And I think he fucks me too well.  And he has multiple personalities.”

        “You can stop now,” Brian said, and kissed Nick, winding his arms around Nick’s neck, feeling Nick warm and naked against his body.

        “I’m lying,” Nick said.  “You are perfect.”

        “Nick.”

        “Brian,” Nick said, arms around his waist, still kissing him.

        “Do I have to be perfect?”

        “You don’t have to be anything but my best friend Frick and my favorite pixie.”

        “Will you love me if I’m not perfect?”

        “I love you right now and you’re not perfect.  You are perfect, but…  You make mistakes.  I’ve made some mistakes, too.  You’re still my angel.”

        “I love you,” Brian said, opening his eyes, looking into Nick’s eyes.  It rushed him again.  “You are beautiful, you are everything, you’re all of the color and all of the light.  Never let anyone tell you differently.  Never believe less.”

        “It’s hard not to listen to the voices that are inside your head,” Nick said.

        “Then make sure I’m the loudest voice in there.”

        Nick’s kiss was deep.  “Guess what.”

        Since his mouth was occupied, Brian drew a question mark on Nick’s back.

        “Drew’s in the tub alone.  You should go play with him.”

        Brian turned to look.  Mmm.  Yes.

        Joey had no interest in dick, at all, but he did wonder what it would feel like if he cupped his hand inside Lance’s open fly.

        Lance made a vague grunt.  “Joey, do me a favor.”

        “What?”

        “Put me to bed.”  Lance’s eyes closed.

        Joey watched Lance.  Over the porn soundtrack of cheesy music and orgasmic moaning, he heard Lance’s deep, slow sleep breathing.

        This was his last night.  Lance had promised him two nights of their old friendship, and this was the second night.  After this, he might never have Lance this close again.

        He performed the ritual slowly, with great care.  He got rid of the bottle.  He turned off the TV.  He dimmed the lights.  He peeled off Lance’s socks.  He gently wrestled Lance out of his shirts.  He pulled off Lance’s jeans.

        Lance didn’t look evil, or destructive, or manipulative, or debauched.  He looked young, and tired, and asleep.  Joey worked the covers out from under him, and was about to pull them up, then stopped.

        He looked at Lance’s body.

        Lance never would be JC-skinny, but here at the end of the tour, he was looking thinner than normal.  He never had developed as much body hair as the rest of them.  Then again, his was lighter than all of theirs.  He was looking fit, healthy, although Joey would feel better once Lance had spent some time off tour and picked up those few extra pounds that belonged in his ass and thighs.

        Joey pulled the covers over Lance, tucking him in.

        “Mmm.  Joey,” Lance said.

        “What?” Joey asked, keeping his voice quiet, leaning in to hear.

        “You should stay.”

        Joey let those words echo in his brain for a minute.  He shouldn’t.  Lance was dangerous.  Dangerous to him.  He loved Lance a little too much, and he knew it.  Lance was hurting, and this might be Joey’s last chance, and if he stayed, if he got in bed with Lance, he wouldn’t stay on his side of the bed.  He wasn’t going to do anything crazy like try to screw Lance, but he would try to give Lance comfort, and give himself some memories to take with him when the night was over.

        Joey couldn’t stay.  He clicked off the last light and made his way to the door.

        Lance muttered something as he rolled over.  It was either a slurred version of “Joey,” or the tail end of “AJ.”

        Joey was going to be damned if he let Lance dream about that two-timing bastard.  AJ had broken Lance’s heart, and Joey wasn’t going to let Lance’s brain torture him with dreams.

        Joey stripped down to his T-shirt and boxer-briefs, and climbed into bed with Lance.  The room was pitch black, but Joey was experienced at groping around in bed.  He found Lance’s knee, followed it up to Lance’s hip, and whispered, “Lance.”

        “Hmm.”  Lance rolled closer.

        “You’re always hard when we dance in clubs,” Joey said.  “I know it’s nothing personal, but it makes me wonder if you’ve ever looked at me the way you look at other guys.”

        “What?” Lance asked, his voice deep and confused.

        “I know I’m not like AJ and JC, I don’t look like them, but did you ever look at me?  Did you ever wonder?”

        “Wonder what, Joey?” Lance asked.

        “What it might be like.”  His hand slid, slowly, up Lance’s naked side, feeling warm flesh.  “Between us.”

        “What are you doing?” Lance asked.

        Lance wasn’t soft or curvy.  Joey couldn’t find much extra flesh to fondle, and was left with an appealing slide over natural muscle.  It was foreign, but intriguing.

        “Joey.”

        His fingers tripped over a nipple; he returned to it.  Smaller than he was used to, but sensitive to touch just the same.  He pinched it gently, rubbed his thumb over the hard nub, and ran his hand straight down Lance’s torso, right inside Lance’s underwear.

        “Joey, Joey,” Lance said, and his tone said no, but he didn’t use the word.

        Joey slid closer, getting a better angle.  Lance’s dick was hard, pulsing in his hand.  His fingers felt over it, learning the dimensions, then ventured into other territory.  The soft crush of pubic hair.  The fragility of testicles.

        Lance wrapped his arm around Joey, pulling himself closer.  “Do you want to fuck me?”

        “Yes,” Joey said, passing his thumb over the wet head of Lance’s erection.  His own dick was hard, and if Lance got any closer, Lance would know it.

        “I’ll let you fuck me,” Lance said, no manipulation, just fact.

        “How many guys have you let fuck you?” Joey asked.

        “One.”

        God.  Fuck.  Damn.  Joey was breathing hard, and Lance was way too close.  “You’ll let me?”

        “You give me unconditional love.  Unconditional.”

        “You’re my best friend,” Joey said, almost whispering it.  “I love you.  You don’t have to give me this to pay me back for that.”

        “Run your fingers back,” Lance said.

        Joey explored back farther, knowing what he was going to find but still shocked to come across it.  That tightly puckered hole.

        “Put your finger in,” Lance whispered, and his voice was low, deep, drenched in sex.  Joey obeyed, and shuddered.  Tight, small and dry, his finger didn’t belong there, he didn’t belong here.  Lance kissed the side of his neck, and the wet sucking was almost familiar, but the rasp of stubble was unfamiliar.

        Sometimes the forbidden was tempting, and sometimes the forbidden was wrong, and Joey couldn’t tell which of those this situation was.  He wasn’t supposed to screw guys, and he wasn’t supposed to take advantage of his best friend, and he wasn’t supposed to accept sex from his screwed-up male best friend in exchange for love and loyalty.

        The only reason to accept sex was if Lance wasn’t going to return his friendship.

        “What are you going to do?” Joey asked.  He pushed his finger in deeper.

        Lance tugged his own underwear down to give Joey easier access, then started kissing Joey’s chest.  His tongue on Joey’s nipple made Joey’s dick harder.  “Get AJ back after I steal JC.”

        “You can’t have JC,” Joey said.  He meant that Lance shouldn’t try to take JC away from Justin, and he also meant that Lance never would be able to take JC from Justin, because that was impossible.

        “I can,” Lance said.  “I’m going to.”  His hand came to Joey’s erection, a firm grip with perfect pressure.

        “He loves Justin.”

        “Justin can have him back when I’m through with him.”

        Joey pulled his finger out.  He didn’t want to be touching Lance anymore.  “They’re your best friends.  Why do you want to hurt them?”

        “Why didn’t anyone care when they hurt me?”  Lance kissed him, sudden and obscene, and his dick leapt in Lance’s hand when Lance licked his tongue into Lance’s mouth.  He shoved his hands under the pillow behind his head, locking his fingers together, to keep from grabbing Lance.  He knew that if he grabbed Lance to push Lance away, his hands would betray him, and he would roll Lance over and end up taking Lance’s body.  He didn’t want that to happen.  He wanted to be better than that.  He was Lance’s friend, and if he gave in and took what he wanted, he’d sink as low as Lance was waiting for him to sink, he’d fulfill Lance’s expectations of how friends really treated friends.

        “How do you want it?” Lance asked, giving Joey’s dick a slow, tight pull with a delicious twist.  “You can roll me over, I can climb on top, or I can give you head so good,” he licked Joey’s ear, wicked and wet, “it’ll make your mama cry.”

        Those were AJ’s words, Joey knew that those were AJ’s words, AJ had told Lance that after orgasm, after Lance had sucked AJ’s dick.

        “You don’t want me to take JC, do you?” Lance asked.

        “No.”

        Lance’s mouth wet and sucking, Lance’s tongue licking between the knobs of his collarbone.  “Were you ever in love with someone you couldn’t have?”

        “No,” Joey said.

        “I’m in love with someone I used to have who I don’t have anymore.  I don’t know what I did so wrong I lost him.”

        “You didn’t lose him,” Joey said.  He closed his eyes tightly, suffering through a wave of pleasure.  Then, “He ran away from you.”

        “Ran,” Lance repeated, tongue flicking Joey’s navel.

        “Ran,” Joey confirmed.  He realized where Lance was going, what Lance’s mouth was doing down there.  “No.”

        “I’m not that drunk, Joey, I know what I’m doing.”

        “Don’t do it,” Joey said.

        “Why not?” Lance asked, and deliberately ran his tongue around the crown of the head.  “Would you rather fuck me?”

        “I don’t want to use you,” Joey said, his voice tight and strained as he held back the guttural groans of pleasure welling up inside.

        “You’re not,” Lance said, licking up along the shaft.  “I’m using you.”

        “For what?”  He didn’t understand.  He needed Lance to help him understand.

        “Love,” Lance said, and sucked the head into his mouth.

        Drew’s arms came around him, and he dropped the soap, leaning back in the water as Drew kissed his mouth.  He was lifted up into Drew’s lap, his erection sliding with sensitive heat against Drew’s.  Drew had been washing his shoulders, and one soap-slick finger probed into his body.  Brian shuddered at the feeling, sucking on Drew’s tongue.  Drew wanted him.  Drew was going to take him.  He was more than ready for it.  Something inside him had been begging for this for years.

        Two fingers, rubbing inside him and flicking his prostate.  Brian clutched at the side of the tub, rising up a little, inviting Drew’s penetration.  Drew groaned, leaving their kiss, fingers out, grasping his hips.  Drew placed him against the head of Drew’s cock, and Brian sat slowly, easing onto it, the head popping in, Drew groaning with pleasure at the feel, Brian moaning with need for more.  There had been a soft glow of love in Drew’s eyes, a soft glow of desire and adoration, as they’d bathed.  Now that glow was replaced by lust, by hunger, and Drew took control of the moment back from Brian as he yanked Brian’s hips down flush to his body, driving his cock as deep as it would go.

        Brian cried out, arching away, as shocking pleasure rocketed through his body.  Drew rolled forward, changing the alignment of their hips, making Brian moan as Drew’s cock found a new angle.  Drew was no longer sitting but kneeling now, bearing most of Brian’s weight, leaning forward.  Brian tightened his grip on the edge of the tub, as Drew tipped him back until the water lapped at his shoulders, bringing his knees up.  Drew was going to make love to him in the same position they used for making love in bed, except here, if he were on his back, he’d drown.

        But Brian couldn’t worry about that when Drew was in him, thrusting, back and forth, in and out, hitting his prostate on every pass.  There was burning passion in Drew’s eyes, passion for Brian, for their mating, for their pleasure.  There was grasping need behind Drew’s eyes, and in the touch of Drew’s hands.  They’d made love in the bedroom, yes, but that hadn’t begun to sate their need to reunite, and this wouldn’t, either, although they were going to try.  Brian couldn’t guess how many times they’d need to couple to sate themselves of that need, but it didn’t feel like there would be enough hours before morning.

        Drew was busy supporting his weight, so if Brian was going to get off, he was going to have to take care of it.  He rubbed at himself roughly beneath the water, in time with Drew’s urgent thrusts, using his left hand, right hand slipping on the edge of the tub.  He could hear the water, the splash echoing Drew’s movements, almost musical under their harsh grunting and soft, primal moans.  Drew raised Brian’s right leg, straightening it, moving it to the side until it hung over the side of the tub, in the cold air that contrasted with the heat of the water and the even hotter burn inside Brian’s body.

        Drew moved in, kissing him, pulling him close then tipping him back again, lips against his, tongue in his mouth.  Brian moaned, coming between their bodies, going limp in Drew’s arms from the sudden rush of it.  His left hand dropped, and it seemed simple for his right hand to drop, too, and Drew tilted him farther, and he went under.

        Underwater, submerged, the steady fucking of Drew’s dick, the wet fuck of Drew’s tongue between the seal of their mouths.  Needing air, not caring, needing this more.

        Drew came.  He felt it in the sudden tension of Drew’s body, in the quick shudder racing Drew’s spine.  A pause, a heartbeat as Drew came back into himself.  Then Drew’s kiss became gentler, and Drew’s hands slipped across his back, and Drew eased him up from the water.

        Brian gasped for breath, opening his eyes.  As he panted the air back into his lungs, Drew pulled out from his body, eliciting a different kind of gasp.  Drew was panting for air, too, but against his neck, kissing his skin, licking water from his jaw.  Brian wrapped his arms around Drew’s shoulders, closing his eyes again.

        “You were beautiful,” Drew whispered, and he believed it.