"Where You Belong"

Where You Belong, eighth in the "Living" series

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Thus far we've had JC/Justin, Nick/Drew/Brian, Nick/Jeff, Nick/Drew/Brian/Nick/Jeff, AJ/Lance, AJ/Howie, AJ/Kevin, Chris/Howie, and partridge/pear tree.

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashwriters.

Wherein Drew won't go behind Brian's back, AJ can screw anybody he wants, and could JC be mellowing?

Notice: First, read "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," "Rest in Peace," "Destiny," and "Together." I know it sounds like a lot, but it'll only take you an hour or two.

Justin watched JC sleep. He wanted to climb inside JC's skin and live inside JC's existence, but he couldn't. He wanted to see what JC saw and touch what JC touched and think what JC thought, but he couldn't. He wanted to make love to JC and enter JC's body and stay there forever, wrapped up together for eternity, but he couldn't. He couldn't be JC. He couldn't exist within JC alone.

He wanted to change his name and cut his hair and buy a Leo pendant and live out the rest of his life, every day, as though he were JC. Maybe then, somehow, he might become what he pretended.

He wanted to stalk JC. Follow JC everywhere. Watch JC from an outsider's distance. Line walls with photographs. Become a hacker and read JC's e-mail. Send JC letters that only hinted at his obsession.

The tattoo on his ass wasn't enough. He wanted JC's name inscribed all over his body. He wanted to brand himself. He wanted more than ink. He wanted scars.

He wanted to lick JC's blood again.

Sometimes he wanted JC to eat him. Literally consume him. Then a part of him might be with JC forever.

Justin tilted his head so that his face was a mere inch from JC's. He closed his eyes. He breathed in on JC's every exhalation.

Brian dialed.

"Hello. You've reached the home of Brian, Nick, and Drew. We're out touring the world right now, and can't come to the phone. If your information is time-sensitive, you may not want to leave a message."

Brian dialed.

"Hello. You've reached the home of..."

Morning. Chris thought about that. Brian was leaving today. Lance was a self-confessed destructive force. JC and Justin had spent twenty-four hours blending consciousnesses. Joey was no help whatsoever on the Lance front, but still Chris's last remaining sane friend. The tour was almost over, which meant going home, but that also meant that Lance's ass was about to be black and blue.

Chris tried to decide if that black-and-blue comment was too obvious of a pun or not clear enough. It was hard to tell.

Going home meant seeing Howie. Chris's heart was beating faster already. Seeing Howie. Looking at Howie. Maybe even touching Howie. Maybe even, even, did he dare to think it? Did he dare?!

Maybe.

Even.

Having sex with Howie!

AH!

Was it morning? Justin opened his eyes.

JC was smiling at him.

Justin smiled back.

"Good morning," JC said.

"Good morning," Justin said.

One brief kiss. "You shower first?"

"You shower first," Justin said. "I need my beauty sleep."

"Beauty sleep?" JC asked. "Baby. That's the last thing you need. You could stay up for five months straight and still not need that kind of rest."

"Only five?" Justin teased.

"On the sixth month you'd start to get those tired lines under your eyes, and you know I can't let you have those," JC said. Another kiss. "But you take five minutes until I get out of the shower."

Justin watched JC get up. Then he rolled over to follow JC's progress to the bathroom. Mmm, mmm, good. Justin pulled the covers over his head and burrowed into JC's warm spot. Happy morning.

"This is Kevin. You almost caught me, but I'm not home right now. Do your deal after the beep."

"You know how you say that only two of the New Kids could sing? Well, only one of the Backstreet Boys can sing, and it ain't you, buddy."

"It's too bad you never let AJ fuck you while you had the chance. He fucked me, and it felt grrrrrreat. Oh, well. Better luck next time. Oh, that's right, there won't be a next time, will it?"

"Loser."

"AJ fucked me last night, you'll never know what that's like, you motherfucking dyke, don't hate me, no no. I fucked him endlessly, his cum is on my sheets, I guess he prefers me, oh well, fuck you. AJ doesn't want you anymore, that ain't no lie, he wants to see you out that door, Kevin bye bye bye, bye bye."

"So, tell me, Kev, how does it feel to be used for sex and then dropped like rotten fish by someone who never really wanted you anyway?"

Kevin unplugged the machine and took it into the backyard, setting it at the edge of his property. He shifted into his stance, sighted, aimed, and fired.

Fired.

Much better.

Lance stretched, opening his eyes, yawning. He wiped at his eyes, scratched his balls, and sat up, taking in the day.

Joey was watching him.

"Morning," Lance said, deciding to be friendly. He could be friendly to Joey. Joey gave him unconditional love. He could give Joey what he had left of his happier self.

"Morning," Joey said. "I'm going to, I have to go. Get dressed."

"And say good-bye to Brian," Lance said for him.

"Yeah," Joey said. Joey looked uncomfortable, nervous and worried, and that was a shame. Lance decided to give Joey a little less to worry about.

"Well, I'll get dressed and meet you guys by the elevators," Lance said. He used his calm, normal, relaxed voice, to put Joey at ease. He even tossed in half of a smile. "While you're saying good-bye to Brian, see if JC and Justin have finished counting each other's pores and are ready to get back to work." Harmless, smiling, well-meaning.

Joey bought it, or at least wanted to buy it enough to convince himself he was buying it, and smiled back.

Lance watched him go, then got out of bed. Joey was a good friend. He'd behave himself today, for Joey's sake. He could afford to. After all, it wasn't until they all went home that he planned to be a bad, bad man.

Chris had been fidgeting in the hallway, toying with the jewelry he only wore so he'd have something to play with. He had time to kill. Maybe he should have masturbated or something.

He really hadn't masturbated this much until his libido had discovered Howie. Had he even jacked off this much when he'd discovered his dick worked?

Joey. "How's Lance?" Chris asked quickly. "What's going on? Give me the full report, including when he started sprouting horns."

"Lance isn't evil," Joey said. "He's fine. Brian didn't leave yet, did he?"

"They took his stuff down, but he's still here. If we lock Lance in his room for another twenty-four hours, do you think anyone will notice?"

"Sshh," Joey said quickly, as Brian's door opened.

Brian looked different. Maybe because he'd shaved off his werewolf fur. Maybe because he had ugly black-purple bruising that those shades couldn't hide. What had Lance done, taken a sledge-hammer to his face?

"Hey," Brian said. He sounded just like himself. "Do you have time for a quick good-bye?"

"I wish you could stay," Joey said. Oh, poor Joey. Chris wondered if it was normal for a straight guy to have a gay crush. Probably not. Well, maybe.

"I wish I could, too," Brian said. "I've had a great time. You all have really been great putting up with me tagging along."

"You're the best tour guest we've ever had," Joey said.

"Second best," Chris corrected.

Brian laughed. "I'll take second place in this one. Are JC and Justin up? I wanted to say good-bye."

Joey knocked. "Guys?"

JC opened the door. "Hey," he said to Brian. Then the sight registered. "Brian."

"I'm sorry to leave you in the lurch like this," Brian said, changing gears without missing a beat. "There's still a lot we have to take care of before our studio time starts."

"No, that's okay," JC said, making an attempt to get over the shock and follow Brian's lead. "We'll take care of it. I'll just be a day behind you, anyway."

"Is that - - Brian!" Justin said, staring over JC's shoulder.

"No one's told Nick yet, so I'd appreciate you keeping quiet," Brian said.

"Oh, of course," JC said.

"I didn't know Lance could hit that hard," Justin said. JC laughed. Chris had to laugh, too, just because it was true. "You can stay, though," Justin said. "You don't have to go. We'll just get rid of Lance."

"It's all right," Brian said. "I'm looking forward to seeing my house again."

Justin moved past JC and hugged Brian. "We'll miss you."

"Justin, it's one day," Chris said.

"Shut up," Justin said. "I'm going to miss him anyway."

Brian rubbed Justin's back. "I appreciate that. You take care of yourself and be nice to JC."

"I will." Justin finally found it within himself to let go.

A handshake and a quick yet friendly het hug for JC. "Thanks for bringing me into your project. We got great work done."

"I can't wait to get into the studio," JC said.

Brian turned. "Chris."

"Brian," Chris said. They shook hands. "Sorry Lance slammed a two-by-four into your face."

"Chris," Justin said.

"What?" Chris asked. "That was sincere."

"Thank you," Brian said. He made one final turn. "Joey."

Joey put out one hand.

Brian held out his hand in return.

Joey took Brian's hand in his and brushed his lips over the back of it.

Brian laughed, gave Joey a hug, and walked on down the hallway.

Joey watched Brian go until he was around the corner and out of sight.

Justin sighed.

Chris looked at the two of them. "What am I missing? Is it the exaggerated bone structure facial features thing? Because neither one of you gets those stars in your eyes over Kevin."

Justin blushed and disappeared back into his room.

Joey dropped down onto his ass and sat there on the floor. He sighed, still gazing after Brian.

"It's a detailed, precise combination of traits," JC told Chris. Then he thought about it. "I think it has a lot to do with the smile and the voice. Something in the eyes."

"I think it has a lot to do with sitting around while you play Backstreet Boys videos and concerts for hours at a time every bus ride," Joey said. "After all of that, how could I resist?"

"Oh, yeah, that would be my fault," Chris realized. "Sorry."

"It's okay," Joey said. "You can pour those five feet seven inches of Southern charm into my lap any time. I'd let him tie me to his bed and-"

"Too much information," Chris said.

"No, I'd like to hear this," JC said.

"Never mind," Joey said. "I would like to know what he does with those handcuffs."

"He has handcuffs?" Chris asked. "So that thing about him tying you to his bed didn't come out of nowhere?"

"They must be for Nick," Joey said.

"Brian cuffs Nick?" Chris asked. "Is that legal in Florida? You're really lusting after Brian. I think your heterosexuality needs to worry."

"No, I'm still ninety-nine percent straight," Joey said.

"What's the other one percent?" Chris asked. "Bri-curious?"

JC groaned.

Drew didn't want to be awake. He didn't want to open his eyes. They'd stayed up way too late in Nick and Jeff's room. He didn't know what time it was, but it had to be too early.

Whatever was under his hands was wrong. He was feeling fabric where he should be feeling naked flesh. Oh, clothes. They'd fallen asleep without undressing. Nick was wearing a T-shirt and track pants and-

Drew's brain clicked.

-nothing underneath.

"If you want to see my naked ass or my blond bush, all you have to do is grab some fabric and pull."

Drew's hand slid up Nick's thigh.

Grab some fabric and pull.

He should let Nick sleep.

Grab some fabric and pull.

Drew's other hand ran up Nick's chest. He opened his eyes. Nick was asleep, and beautiful. Merely sleeping, not moving, not flirting, but Nick's sexuality was so...inviting...

Grab some fabric and pull.

Drew's cock hardened.

He grabbed some fabric and pulled.

Nick's balls felt so tight, and so full, and so...

Shit, Drew!

Nick almost sat up, but his head was swimming. God, Drew. Nick spread his thighs further, and Drew made a low hungry sound, and Drew's mouth felt hot... This was too good to be true. Nick himself might be a cocksucker, but Drew was a born ballsucker. God, that felt good...

"Drew..." Nick groaned, closing his fingers over Drew’s hair. If Drew didn’t get off his balls and suck his dick, he was going to oh, oh god, oh holy god, oh yes - - Nick thrust down Drew’s throat, letting that sucking wet heat swallow him, so damned glad he got to wake up like this.

When it was over, Nick panted up at the ceiling, blinking a few times to clear his vision. He pushed himself up on his elbows and prodded Drew’s hip with his toes.

Drew sat up, and Nick’s gaze fastened on the wet smear of cum on Drew’s lower lip. Drew let out a grunted squeak when Nick tackled him, pinning him to the mattress and kissing him.

Justin tugged at the knot in his bandanna and sighed.

"I know, baby," JC said, locking his suitcase.

Justin dropped to sit on the foot of the bed.

JC sat beside him. "Lance did what he did, and it's up to Brian to deal with it how he chooses. All we can do is be there for both of them as much as we can."

"Somebody has to tell Nick and Drew."

"That's up to Brian," JC said again, his arm around Justin's waist. "He'll tell them in his own way in his own time."

Justin made a face and looked at his hands.

"I know," JC said. "I can't imagine Lance doing it, either."

"I wouldn't have imagined Lance doing a lot of what he's been doing lately," Justin said.

"He was very much in love with AJ," JC said. "AJ is his first real love. I don't know if we all understood how deep that went."

"Maybe they'll get back together," Justin said.

"Maybe they will," JC said.

"I'd pick Lance over Kevin any day," Justin said.

JC smiled. "Don't even think about it."

"What? Lance is hot. Lance is bitchin' hot. Don't you think so?" He tried to keep his voice even and his smile normal.

JC smiled, rubbing his thumb across the top knot of Justin's spine. "Lance is very hot. He's a very sexually attractive man. When we met, I had no idea he'd grow up so...well."

"He was kind of funny-looking," Justin said.

JC laughed. "He was a cute kid."

"He looked like a girl."

"He outgrew it."

"You think he's sexy, don't you?" Justin asked, starting to feel a little queasy.

"He is sexy," JC said, with the same puzzled certainty of someone saying, "But the sky is blue."

"I want you to change your answer," Justin said.

"He's not sexy?" JC guessed.

"No, to a different question. When I asked you who you'd have sex with other than me, you said Lance. I want you to change your answer."

"Who do you want me to say?" JC asked, willing to say anything Justin wanted to hear.

Justin thought quickly. Nick Carter Littrell Lachey was the most obvious choice, but Nick was a little too close to JC. Brian? Brian wasn't really JC's type. Hell, "Chris."

"Chris?" JC asked.

Yeah, never mind. Um... "Nick Lachey. Timmons-Lachey." Hot, sexy, sub material, and very married.

JC frowned, but was willing to play along. "All right. You know it doesn't make a difference, Justin. I won't be with anyone but you. I never think about anyone but you."

"I know. Just do this for me."

"All right. Nick instead of Lance. Baby-"

"We should go," Justin said, rising. "They're probably tired of waiting for us."

Nick was up Drew's ass again, and loving it. Drew was moaning under him, clutching at the backs of his thighs, panting "yes yes yes." Nick thrust his throbbing dick deeper in Drew and groaned at the tight grip of Drew's ass. He wished he were an insensitive bastard who could get off without making Drew come first, because this hot close friction was about to finish him.

Drew pulled his knees up, inviting Nick closer. Nick leaned in, kissing Drew's mouth. Drew moaned into Nick's kiss, and Nick heard more unsatisfied wanting than one orgasm could fulfill.

Drew wanted him. Want. Love-want. Need-want. It was hungry, yearning wanting, deep-down soul wanting, unfulfilled helpless wanting. Drew hadn't had enough. Drew hadn't taken enough? He hadn't given enough? Drew was longing for him in polite desperation, and he hadn't noticed?

It wasn't about sex. Not only about sex. It was about him. Drew wanted him. All of him. All of the time.

Drew wanted.

Drew needed.

Oh god.

"What?" Drew asked, one hand on his arm. "What happened?"

Nick realized that he'd stopped thrusting. He was still in Drew, unmoving, probably staring crazy. He hoped he didn't look as scared shitless as he felt. "Nothing." God, he couldn't pull out and walk away, that would be unforgivable, but he couldn't finish.

Drew's legs relaxed. Maybe relaxed was the wrong word; Drew didn't look very relaxed. Tense, mostly, from being very mid-fuck, close to coming, and abruptly confused. "Nick?"

"I..." Nick wiped sweat off his face with one hand, bearing his weight on his other hand. He had no clue what to say. He was still hard, so at least he wasn't insulting Drew by going soft.

Drew's eyes were confused brown. "What's wrong? Do you want to stop?"

"Yeah." Shit, shouldn't have agreed that soon, shouldn't have agreed at all, should have said no and picked it up again and at least finished.

"Okay." Wounded brown, darker. Drew put one hand down and pulled him out, then let go and moved back a few inches, giving him space.

Nick backed up and stood. "I'm going to go take a shower. I'll make it quick so you can get ready." He was in the bathroom before Drew could speak.

Drew sat up, staring at the bathroom door. Nick had closed the door. Nick never closed the door. Nick didn't close the door to take a shower, ever. Nick didn't even close the door to urinate, and Drew had given up on getting him to try. Half of the time, Nick didn't even close the door to, well, attend to business. But now, right now, Nick had closed the door.

They'd been making love. Nick had been in him, penetrating and filling and making him feel alive, electric, orgasmic. Their lips had met, and Nick's tongue had entered his mouth, and all of a sudden, everything had stopped.

What had happened?

Had he called out someone else's name? That wasn't possible. Had he done something offensive? He couldn't imagine what. But Nick had frozen, then retreated.

Maybe he had called out someone else's name. Ridiculous. He'd been consumed with Nick. His every thought, though primal, sexual, and half-formed, had been of Nick. Maybe his mouth was operating without the rest of his entire being? But if he hadn't called out Nick's name, he must have called out Brian's, and that wouldn't make Nick freeze and depart, would it?

Drew didn't know whether he should be insulted, worried, or frustrated. Getting mad might not help, but it was tempting.

He hadn't said anything. He couldn't remember any specific movement or touch. But something had happened to make Nick jump up suddenly and flee to the bathroom.

Drew listened to the water run.

Maybe Nick was sensing what Brian was feeling again, and Brian had fallen into mud and felt so abruptly dirty, he'd raced to a shower.

Well, at least he was keeping his sense of humor.

Drew didn't want to stay where he was, looking pathetic and abandoned, so he got up. Unfortunately, he had nowhere to go. He needed a shave and a shower before he got dressed, and someone had closed him out of the bathroom. He could throw on something and go visit Justin for a few minutes, but he didn't want it to look like he'd vanished on Nick.

He pulled on his underwear, sat on the floor, and pretended to root through his bag.

He'd been having a great morning, too. Waking up, being turned on just by the idea of Nick, Nick waking and coming down his throat, Nick's wet, carnal kisses, Nick's fingers preparing him, Nick's erection entering him...

It was Nick's last day on tour.

And Nick had closed the door.

Chris, despite his usual routine of being in the way and having a comment for everything, was keeping a close watch on his friends. He observed that Joey was being Lance's affectionate big brother again, like they were five years back in time. Lance was back to being tolerant and independent, with his usual blend of too-nice and sarcastic. Lance had never really seemed to need the *NSYNC bond as much as the rest of them did, which was backwards, because in reality, he probably needed it more than any of them. He just hadn't acted like it. That was the trick to Lance, learning the difference between how things seemed and how they were. Smart, yes, polite, yes, honest, yes, but willing to open up and share what was going on inside? Not Lance.

Joey, in some ways, was like a trusted dog. He could read true moods behind the fake, plastered-on moods. He always knew how Lance felt, maybe out of instinct or maybe out of love, and acted on it. He could turn the false smiles into real smiles.

They all loved Lance, always had, always would, from the bottom of their hearts; but nobody was ever going to be a better friend to Lance than Joey was.

Today, JC and Justin were perfecting their non-verbal communication. JC looked up like he wanted something; Justin, not even looking at JC, said, "Oh, here," and handed JC a sheet of scribbled-on paper. Half an hour later, Justin frowned. Either Justin had tensed and JC had felt the vibrations of it in the air, or else JC had a direct line into Justin's brain, because JC said, "Don't worry about it, baby. We all take care of our own. It'll pan out how it pans out." Whatever that meant, Justin seemed to relax a little.

Chris wondered if that whole melding thing had worked. Maybe JC and Justin were sharing brain cells now.

Funny. He couldn't remember having heard them have sex last night. It wasn't like they could have sex he didn't hear, so did that mean they hadn't had sex since that nasty fuck in the hallway? Or was it possible that they'd actually had quiet, private sex for once?

Nah. Miracles did happen, but Justin didn't have quiet orgasms.

Nick had to talk to Brian. To one of the fellas. Anybody. Somebody. Brian. JC.

JC. Definitely JC. He had to talk to JC.

He didn't know what to do with this. This information. This knowledge. This responsibility.

He never should have wakened Drew. He should have let Drew sleep. He should have let Drew stay asleep forever, with innocence and polite smiles and the hat, backwards over one ear.

Drew needed him. Inside. It was still latent, still under layers, waiting to be discovered. But it was a grand, demanding, hungry, clawing need, pushing and pulling, living deep within Drew, magnificent and terrifying.

He'd uncovered too many layers. He'd stripped too far down. He was revealing things that should have stayed buried.

No. He'd been right to tease apart Drew's sexuality. He'd been right to work through the many layers.

He just hadn't bargained for this.

He hadn't known what he'd find.

He wasn't ready. He wasn't prepared. He wasn't capable. He was just himself, just regular old Nick Carter, friendly and blunt and interested in sex. He didn't have what it took to satisfy that kind of need.

The kind of need that Justin had for JC.

The kind of need that was tearing, had torn, Justin's sanity to shreds.

Drew was nothing like Justin. Older, more settled, more grounded. Drew had been through a lot, lifewise and sex-lifewise, and remained thoroughly normal.

But Nick was scared. Scared for Drew. Scared for himself. He couldn't support that kind of need. He didn't know how to feed it, or how to maintain it, or even why Drew had it. He wanted to bury it, pull layers back over it, and pretend he'd never seen it.

He didn't think Drew knew it was there.

But it was only a matter of time before it made itself known.

Nick had to talk to JC.

When Nick came out of the bathroom, he had such a tight grip on the towel around his waist, it looked like he was afraid of being set upon by rabid fans. Drew, still on the floor, watched him closely. Nick had a few lingering issues about his body, which Drew didn't support in any way, but Nick usually didn't bother with body shyness, nonetheless. Nick clutching a towel to shield his balls from Drew's sight was a swift change from the norm.

Nick dug around, found clothes to wear, and hesitated.

"Would you like me to avert my gaze?" Drew asked, aiming for a casual, almost amused tone. He wasn't going to make a big deal out of this. Yet.

"No," Nick said. Judging from the tone of his voice, he found no humor in the situation. "Where's my phone?"

Drew found it in his bag and handed it to Nick.

Nick dropped the towel and dressed quickly. He combed his damp hair and pocketed his phone. "I'll be back in a-"

"No," Drew said. "Don't walk out of this room without telling me what happened. Did I blink and miss something? Did I say something or do something that made you... Am I supposed to know what's going on?"

"No," Nick said. "It's, it's hard to explain. I have to talk to JC."

"JC?" Drew repeated. "You have to talk to JC? Talk to me! At least talk to Brian. What does JC have to do with this?"

"Let me go talk to him and-"

"No," Drew said, getting to his feet. "We were making love. You were making love to me." The passion in his own voice surprised him. "We were making love, and we kissed, and suddenly - - was it the kiss? I kissed badly? Morning breath? What?"

"I... Do you remember yesterday, when I said that you're always more than I bargain for?" Nick asked.

"Yes," Drew said.

"Something hit me really hard from way out in left field. I don't know what to do with it or how to handle it, and I'm not ready to talk to you about it."

"Why can't you talk to me?" Drew said. "Isn't it about me?"

"Yeah, it's about you. That's why I can't talk to you about it. But it's something I know JC will understand."

"I'm not comfortable with you telling him things about me, especially something you won't talk to me about."

"I know. But I know he'll understand this, and he can talk me through it. He's not inside it, like we are, like Brian is."

"It's up to you," Drew said. "I hope someday you'll learn to trust me more."

"Oh, god, Drew, that's not fair."

"We were making love and you pulled away from me like you'd suddenly realized you were with the wrong person!"

"You're not the wrong person," Nick said quickly, shocked. "I wasn't trying to, I didn't..."

"You were trying to get away from me."

"Yeah, but not because... It's hard to explain."

Drew crossed his arms. "I guess it must be."

"I'm not trying to be a bastard, Drew. I'm not trying to be shitty to you. I just have to talk to JC and figure out some stuff."

"What would have happened if I hadn't asked you if you wanted to stop?" Drew asked. "Would you have started up again and kept going? Would you have forced yourself to finish it? Would you have fucked me with your body while your heart wasn't in it?"

"Don't do that," Nick said.

"I see guilt all over your face," Drew said. "Go call JC. Go. I have to take a shower."

"I've never been with you and not wanted to be."

"Go," Drew said. "Don't come back until you're ready to talk to me like a lover and a husband and a partner." He headed for the bathroom.

"Wait," Nick said. "Damn, you're so much better at fighting than I am. Wait, come back here."

"I'm not trying to fight," Drew said, turning back, letting Nick walk to him. "I don't want to fight. But I'm not above letting you know where I stand."

"I know, I'm a shit."

"You're not a shit. I'm angry with you, but you're not a shit."

"I know you're mad, and I know why, and... Can I just kiss you before I go?"

Drew held back. "For what reason?"

"It's...a test."

Drew narrowed his eyes. Nick was being honest. Bizarre and frustrating, but honest. "A test of what?"

"Just let me do it."

"I don't think I want to."

"Sorry." Nick stole a kiss. A deep, wet, tongue-tangling kiss. Then, suddenly, after having shaken Drew to his foundation, Nick backed up, wide-eyed, sucking in air. "Shit, fuck, sorry," and Nick was out the door.

JC had found a couch to pass out on. Justin was sitting on the floor before the couch, apparently just to be close to JC. Chris was on the phone, but not with Howie, because he sounded casually disinterested, not nervous yet exhilirated.

JC, Justin, Chris, check. Lance? Joey turned. Lance.

Lance smiled briefly.

Ah. Lance. Joey felt relieved.

Everything was weird today. Sort of...unreal. Too good. JC and Justin were calm, flowing in their own patterns, relaxed. Joey was waiting for one of them to erupt.

And Lance was back to normal, which wasn't normal at all. Joey knew that it wasn't real and wouldn't last, but it felt so good, he wanted to believe. He wanted his friend back, for good. Maybe, probably, that was impossible. He'd never have Lance back. Lance was already gone, already lost, never to return. All he had was each passing second until tomorrow, when they were home, AJ was back, JC and Justin were separated, and time ran out.

JC's phone rang.

Justin put his hand on JC's shoulder. "Baby."

JC's eyes opened. "My phone?"

Justin handed it to him.

"Thank you." JC sat up. "Hello?"

"Can you talk? I'm freaking out."

"What's going on?" JC asked. If it was about Brian-

"It's Drew. I felt it, and I kissed him again to make sure, and it's true, it's there, what the hell am I supposed to do now?"

"What happened?" JC asked, getting up and roaming in search of privacy.

"We've been getting tighter and tighter, and I've been going down the list with him, getting him past all of his mental blocks and into all of the kinks he's had hidden and buried."

"Right." They'd talked about that.

"I kissed him and I felt - - he has this massive, overwhelming need for me. I don't think he even knows it's in there. I don't know what to do with it."

"Do with it?" JC repeated. "First of all, what do you mean by massive?"

"It's huge. It's deep. I don't even know if it can ever really be satisfied. I could feel him being greedy for every atom in my body. I don't want to step on your toes, but I think it's kind of like Justin's need for you."

"Nick. Calm down. A long time ago, you told me that you were jealous of every air molecule that had ever caressed Brian's skin."

"I did?"

"You did."

"Yeah, I guess I did. So?"

"You were serious when you said it. You meant it. You were literally jealous, of air molecules, for having brushed past Brian."

"We'd just broken up. I was in a weird place."

"The level of your obsession for Brian is-"

"I'm not obsessed."

"I know obsession like the back of my hand. You are obsessed with Brian, and your obsession goes very deep. Whatever Drew's feeling for you can't be very different from that. You know how he feels. You know what he needs."

"His need was like a physical thing wanting to be set free."

"Your obsession isn't much different."

"So is mine trapped or set free?"

"A little of both. When Brian came back to you, you didn't trust that he was really back for good, so you began to box up your obsession, your need, and your love. They're too much to be contained, so they're leaking out steadily, but you still haven't let them go."

"Does he know all of this?"

"Yes. It's slowly killing him, but he's taking it pretty well, I think."

"You motherfucker."

"Give Drew what you want from Brian. Give him as much of yourself as you can. You'll never satisfy the need as a whole, but you can give him momentary satisfaction, and you'll feel just as good as he will, when you do."

"I don't think I can do it. I can't handle all of that. I'm not ready!"

"You've been telling me you wakened Drew, Drew trusts you, and he's your responsibility. You're going to walk away from him now?"

"Not walk away! But can't I box up his need like I boxed up mine? He doesn't even know it's there. He won't miss it."

"You'll know. And he'll figure it out. Nick, set it free."

"I don't want us to turn into you and Justin. Trapped like that. Needy like that. Dependent."

"You are dependent. Nick, I don't know whether Justin and I put ourselves here by choice or not. I don't know whether you can keep Drew from this forever. It's already in him. Let him feel it."

"Drew gets... scared. He might try to shut it down, to keep it back, and he might end shutting himself down, to make sure it stays closed off. He's come a long way, and I don't want him having a major setback over this."

"You can support him. You can nurture him. You also might want to try making an example of yourself and releasing your own needs and obsessions."

"I didn't know I'd cut them off."

"You have."

"You could have told me."

"You weren't ready to hear it."

"And now I am?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I don't know. You're different. It's this time alone with Drew. You're older now. I think there's about to be a lot more balance in your relationship with Brian, and that's good. You value yourself more, so you're ready to let him value you, too. And you're also ready, I think, to give yourself to him."

"I've been giving myself to him."

"You've been holding back."

"And why is that?"

"You've been afraid of getting hurt."

"You think I'm not afraid of getting hurt anymore?"

"I think you've realized that it's worth the risk."

Silence. "You're good."

"I'm experienced. Go back to Drew. You don't have to let it all out tonight, but you can start setting him free."

"Setting him free. It's more like binding him to me."

"He wants to give himself to you and he doesn't know how."

"God. He told me that. Weeks ago. He was so... God, you're right."

"Show him how."

"I don't know how."

"You do know how. If you have to, ask Brian for help. He's been waiting for you for years; he can help you with Drew."

"JC."

"What?"

"What's wrong with Brian?"

"That's for Brian to tell you. I won't say anything."

"He won't answer his phone."

"He'll call you when he's ready."

When Brian stepped off the plane, security met him and walked him out to a waiting limo. When he got into the limo, Kevin gave him a hug and Howie kissed his cheek.

"What a nice welcoming committee," Brian said with a smile, squeezing Howie's hand. "What did I do to deserve all of this?"

"That bitter fuck," Kevin said, removing Brian's sunglasses and taking a painful look.

"Oh, that," Brian said.

"When are you going to tell Nick?" Howie asked.

"If I tell him, and then he goes to help Justin, he'll spend his energy hating Lance instead of supporting Justin," Brian said.

"He'll see it for himself when he comes through here," Howie said.

"Unless you plan to hide from him and not see him," Kevin said.

"I thought about it," Brian said.

"He will go after Lance," Howie said. "I don't know what you could say to him to keep him from doing it...if you want to stop him."

"What about Drew?" Kevin asked.

"I'm not too worried about Drew," Brian said. "He's very level-headed. I'm a lot more worried about Nick. I don't want him getting into trouble."

"That's what Nick does," Kevin said.

"I know." Brian looked worried.

"If you want, we'll take Lance out so Nick won't need to," Howie said.

"I'd be happy to do it, free of charge," Kevin said.

Brian smiled. "Thank you, but that won't be necessary."

"What are you going to do about Nick?" Howie asked.

"I'll wait until he comes home," Brian decided. "And I'll tell him to leave Lance alone. Maybe I'll call him tonight, to let him know that I'm all right."

"That would be a good idea," Kevin said.

"The sooner you call him, the sooner he'll stop trying to call us every half hour," Howie said.

"I know he's worried. I just don't want to upset him." Brian twisted his wedding ring.

Kevin held Brian's hand still. "You're going to let this go?"

"I don't want either of you getting into it with Lance," Brian said. "There's been enough trouble between all of you as it is. I don't want Nick getting involved, period. Drew's not going to beat up anyone. And no, I'm not doing anything to him, myself, either. There's so much between all of us in every direction, I don't want to start putting stress on loyalties."

"You mean, you don't want to make AJ choose sides," Kevin said.

Brian didn't answer.

Jeff tilted his head to one side. "What's going on out there?"

Nick frowned. "I don't hear anything."

"Go look," Jeff said, pulling on a T-shirt.

Nick opened the door and checked, then closed it again. "Carter's pacing up and down the hall, muttering to himself."

"What?" Jeff asked, slipping into a short-sleeved button-down. "Why?"

"Because he's a lunatic?" Nick guessed. "That's my shirt."

"Looks good, doesn't it?" Jeff asked. "Go find out what he's doing."

"You find out. And give me back my shirt."

"Come and get it," Jeff said, unimpressed.

Nick narrowed his eyes. "Was that a challenge?"

"Don't you - - don't even - - Nick!" Jeff's back hit the mattress with a bounce. "You - - Lachey!"

"Hold still," Nick ordered, struggling. "I'm going to tear it!"

"Let go!" Jeff said, pushing at Nick's hands. He squeezed Nick's hips between his thighs and rolled, getting on top. "Now you-"

"Get off! Of! Me!"

"Don't rip it!"

"Don't - - stop - - get off of me!"

"I'm going to kick your-"

"If you don't - - oh! Oh."

Jeff pinned Nick's wrists to the bed, on either side of his head. "Stop rubbing your dick against my ass."

"Sorry." Nick caught his breath.

"You want me to take off your shirt?"

"Yes."

Jeff smirked. "You want me to take off anything else?"

Nick licked his lips. "I wouldn't mind."

"If I let go and you stay there, I'll play nice. If I let go and you try anything, you get nothing." Jeff gave Nick a long look to be sure that he understood, then released Nick's hands and removed the button-down.

Nick lunged, seized, and rolled, putting Jeff on the bottom, holding Jeff down. "Thanks for giving the shirt back."

"You're welcome. Let me up."

"Not yet." Nick kissed him. Nick could almost taste Jeff's confidence, Jeff's dominance, Jeff's power. "Weren't you volunteering to undress?"

"We don't really have time for this," Jeff said.

"So we'll be quick."

"How am I supposed to take my clothes off when you're holding my hands over my head?" Jeff asked.

Nick thought about it.

"Any bright ideas?" Jeff asked. "There's a little smoke coming out of your right ear, there. The left one, too."

"I was just...speculating."

"On what?" Jeff asked, suspicious.

Nick licked his lips. "On opening your jeans with my teeth."

Jeff's eyes closed.

"Are you still breathing?"

Faintly, "Not really."

Nick laughed.

When Nick knocked, Drew let him back into the room. "How much time do we have?" Nick asked.

"Twenty minutes," Drew said.

That meant forty. "I know you're mad at me, but I want to make it up to you."

"By explaining why you bolt every time we kiss?" Drew asked.

"By making love to you."

"I'd prefer an explanation," Drew said.

"I can't explain it."

"You don't want to explain it," Drew corrected. He was doing the arms crossed, chin up, mouth tight, eyes distant thing that Nick hated. His voice was controlled, clinical. It was hard to argue with Drew when Drew was right and Nick was wrong, because Drew never gave Nick any room. Drew was too logical and too direct.

"Let me make love to you."

"I'm not going to reward you by giving you sex," Drew said.

"It's not a reward," Nick said.

"Obviously it's more of a punishment, since you keep running from it."

"That's not fair! That's bullshit and you know it. I wasn't even trying... Just let me kiss you. Can I kiss you?"

"I'm not really in the mood."

"I know, but... It's my way of getting around to working up to explaining."

"Why don't you skip all of those extra steps and just explain?" Drew suggested.

"I know you're right and I know I'm being an asshole, and I know you're hurt and I know - - just let me kiss you. No sex, I won't even try to stick it in, just let me kiss you down and feel you up."

"For what?!" Drew demanded. "Why do you suddenly want to make out with me? To avoid me? To 'test' something?"

"I hit another layer," Nick said.

"You hit another..." Drew stopped talking. He swallowed. "You hit which layer?"

"It's a pretty big one," Nick said.

"Big enough to make you run."

"I don't want you to shut it down, and I won't let you shut yourself down. I'm going to help you through it. I want to see if I can make you start to feel it."

"What is it?" Drew asked.

"We won't uncover it today," Nick said. "We're just going to see if you can touch it."

"Touch what?" Drew asked.

Nick sat on the bed. "Come here."

Drew took a slow step forward. "Maybe some layers aren't meant to be uncovered. Maybe some layers are meant to stay buried. Maybe we've been going too far."

"No," Nick said. "That's bullshit. Come here, Drew." He held out his hand, encouraging. "We're going to set you free."

Drew stepped back. "I don't want to be set free."

"No, don't do that. Come here."

"I don't want to be set free. I don't want to have a clawing, animal urge to own Brian. I don't want to-"

"Drew."

"I don't want any of this! You want it, you like it, it turns you on and I hate it! I hate it and I'm afraid of it and I'm afraid of myself! And now you're trying to set me free and you're leaving tomorrow morning and I'll be here by myself with all of these emotions and needs and urges and wants that I don't know how to control!"

"You won't be by yourself. You aren't alone. I'm on the other end of the phone, and so is Brian. As soon as your tour's over you'll be home with us. You're married to Brian and I'm wearing the ring. That means you're never alone. We're always right there for you, with you. Come here. Stop freaking out. I know Brian has you scared shitless, and I know I'm an asshole for running out on you all morning, but come here. It's going to be okay."

Drew sat on the bed. "I hate all of this layered sexuality crap. Just leave me alone."

"Don't start pouting." Nick pushed Drew's shoulders until he was on his back. "Let me kiss you and grope you for a few minutes."

"I don't want to."

"Drewpout. Come on, five minutes. It'll feel good."

Drew sighed.

Nick waited, stretched out alongside Drew.

Drew made a face.

Nick put his hand on Drew's stomach.

"I still feel...itchy. Unsatisfied. From before."

"From not getting off right."

"Yeah."

"Me, too," Nick said. "Want me to screw you again?"

"You said you weren't going to put it in."

"So I lied. Can I?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I'm punishing you."

"Shit."

"Hmm." Drew was unsympathetic.

Nick rubbed Drew's stomach. "Can we just make out?"

"Okay. Five minutes."

Jeff strained to free his hands, but Nick's grip had them clamped down. He needed them free so he could take control, so he could wrench his pants open, so he could grab Nick's head by the ears and get some satisfying attention on his dick. God, damn, this was cruel and unusual. "Nick!"

Nick's teeth pried at denim, finally working the button out of the buttonhole.

Jeff twisted his wrists, trying to pull free.

"Hold still," Nick said, and licked his lips.

Jeff groaned. "I hate you. I hate you and I am going to make you pay."

Nick took the tab of Jeff's zipper between his teeth, his chin rubbing against the bulge of Jeff's cock. Slowly, he tugged the zipper down.

Jeff got one leg free from where it had been pinned under Nick.

"Don't get any smart ideas," Nick warned, now that the zipper was down. He pulled the halves of Jeff's fly to each side with his teeth, framing the front of Jeff's underwear and the thick bulk of Jeff's erection.

Jeff kicked, yanked his other leg free, and clamped his thighs on either side of Nick's ribcage, below Nick's arms. He did his patented roll and ended up on top. Nick's face was just at the level of Jeff's groin, and Jeff slowly lowered his hips.

Nick licked out, teasing, tempting, inches from soft cotton.

Jeff reached down with one hand, pushing down his underwear, freeing his heated erection. His thumb hooked over Nick's bottom teeth and he opened Nick's mouth. "I don't like being teased," he whispered, feeling Nick's tongue lick at his knuckle.

"I don't tease," Nick whispered, his chest rising and falling with each breath. "I deliver."

Jeff let go and Nick's mouth stayed open, opened wider. He took himself in hand, inserting the fat head between Nick's lips. Nick lapped at his precum and he shivered, eyes closing. His hand dropped and he let Nick take over, surrendering to curved lips and a wet tongue and the snug fit of Nick's throat. He didn't know who was at whose mercy anymore. It never had mattered.

After he'd come, before his knees gave out, he rolled onto his back. His eyes were open, his blood was humming, and he wanted more sex, more orgasms, immediately if not sooner.

Hands sliding up his thighs, warm and familiar. A kiss at his sternum. Nick's erection hard and ready against his stomach. Nick's kiss, Nick's mouth. He licked away all traces of semen while his hands sought out the well-known muscular curves of Nick's body. "I know what you want."

"And you're going to give it to me?" Nick asked, caressing the back of his thigh when he raised his knee.

"Do you think you deserve it?" Jeff was having trouble with reality. He couldn't find, much less keep, his focus. His world narrowed down to the firm silk of Nick's pec, the deep panting of Nick's breath, the lush curves of Nick's upper lip, the slow circular rubbing of Nick's fingers at the bend of his knee.

Nick smiled. It was the smile that meant trouble. While the fingers of his left hand continued to rub slow, rhythmic, circles behind Jeff's knee, the fingers of his right hand rubbed the same circles, smaller, gentler, at the entrance to Jeff's body. Jeff gripped Nick's shoulder, tensing and untensing, closing his eyes. The too-similar, repetitive stimulation on different parts of his body confused him, and he groaned out a belated protest.

Nick's thumb pressed in.

Drew had his arm around Nick's neck, his fingers buried in Nick's hair, his mouth sucking hard on Nick's tongue. Nick's hand was down the front of Drew's pants, jacking Drew's dick while Drew's thighs straddled his thigh. When Drew's hips started picking up a quick rhythm, Nick knew it was almost time. He gave Drew's cock fast strokes and felt Drew rock in his arms.

Drew came, but it barely slowed him down. He clung to Nick, moaning like it was all brand-new, kissing with erotic intensity. He wanted more.

Since his hand was already down there, Nick pushed one cum-wet finger up Drew's ass. A few quick flutters and Drew adjusted, rocking against Nick's touch for stimulation, groaning, sucking on a tendon in Nick's neck. He was needy in Nick's embrace, feeding off of Nick, Nick's skin, Nick's touch, Nick's sexuality. His pleasured groaning and quick panting were nothing but other sounds for "Nick, I want you."

Nick wanted to hear the words. He pulled his finger out, wrapping his arm around Drew's waist, letting Drew hump him, holding Drew close, kissing Drew's mouth. "Tell me you want me."

Drew obeyed without hesitation, rocking against his hip, one hand on his ass, sucking on his lower lip. "I want you." Drew latched onto his mouth, kissing him hard, sucking the air out of him. Drew's fingers twisted in his hair, not hurting, just needing.

"Can you feel it?" Nick asked. Drew's rational mind had to feel it, had to notice the difference. Why it was coming up right then, Nick didn't know. Maybe because they'd already uncovered almost every other layer. Maybe because Nick was about to leave, and Drew's inner sex slave was threatened by Nick's imminent departure from Drew to Brian.

Drew made a sound, more subservient than a growl, hungrier than a purr, and groped Nick through his pants. Subtle. Nick moaned, wanting to take Drew, knowing how throughly Drew wanted to be taken, and tried to make Drew let go. Needy, fuck-me sounds welled up in Drew's throat, and Drew rolled from his side to his back, inviting, asking.

"Bad Drew," Nick protested. "Very bad Drew." They hadn't talked, he hadn't explained, he should warn Drew of what was about to come. But god, Drew wanted it, and it couldn't hurt if he just fucked Drew a little. One quick fuck. One quick, little fuck.

Nick kicked his pants off and got Drew slicked and dicked. Oh holy god that felt good, so good, so good... Nick thrust, fast and careless, making Drew moan, feeling Drew come against his chest. He gave Drew a quick, hard ride, then came. No candy, no flowers, just Drew's need and Nick's dick.

Brian would understand.

God, Nick prayed that Brian would understand.

If Brian didn't understand, and didn't approve, and Nick wasn't treating Drew right with these quick insert-dick fast fucks, Nick was going to burn in Hell.

He checked Drew's face.

Drew was sort of wide-eyed, panting lightly, blinking a lot.

"You okay?" Nick asked, running his fingers through Drew's hair.

"Yeah," Drew said, sounding mostly okay but a little shaken. "I felt it. I touched it. I think that was...the tip of the iceberg."

"It's a pretty big iceberg," Nick agreed, running his knuckle across the sweat at Drew's temple. "You going to be okay?"

"I don't...want...that inside of me."

"The iceberg? It's there, Drew. We can't get rid of it and we can't close the door on it. We pretty much have to deal with it. We can start out small."

"I have to think about it," Drew said, and his eyes slid away.

"You can think about it," Nick said. "We're also going to talk about it."

"Not now." A spasm of pain crossed Drew's face. "Later."

"You're not alone," Nick said. "You're not the only one who feels like this."

An unhappy laugh. "Let me guess. Justin Timberlake Chasez."

"Yeah, but I didn't mean him. I meant me."

Drew met his eyes again, curious, hopeful, pleading. "You?"

"Yeah. I... I'm kind of a hateful, bitter little shit, I guess. I've been holding out on Brian, maybe to punish him for leaving me, I don't know. But according to JC, things should start to get better. Anyway, yeah, I have an iceberg, too." Nick touched his own chest with sensitive fingertips, checking, feeling. "I think it's the same size yours is. Pretty fucking big. Pretty fucking scary. If I work on letting mine out, you think you can work on yours, too?"

"Brian," Drew said. "He deserves to know how you feel. He should get to experience your love."

"Don't you think I should experience some of your love, too?" Nick asked.

"You're scared," Drew said. "That's why you ran. It's a lot for you to accept from me."

"Yeah, it's a lot," Nick said. "But I want to try."

"Then I guess..." Drew sucked in his courage. "I guess I can try, too."

Brave Drew. Nick loved him. "We'll work on it. A little regression is acceptable. Shutting down is not."

"Yeah, yeah." Drew's fingers crossed Nick's brow, and he said it. "I love you."

"I love you," Nick said, kissing Drew's cheek, kissing Drew's mouth.

So...big... Jeff clenched and unclenched every muscle he had, denying both the pleasure and the pain, not willing to let either one overwhelm him. Nick thrust in farther and Jeff grasped Nick's biceps, inwardly vowing to make him pay, releasing a wordless groan.

"So...good..." Nick thrust the final inches home, deep inside Jeff, and the look of sheer sexual pleasure on his face, curving his lips, deep in his eyes when his lashes lifted, made Jeff's own pleasure begin to rise.

Jeff tightened his grip on Nick's arm and raised his pelvis, then lowered it, altering the angle, adjusting the fit of their bodies. Nick groaned, hips coming forward, taken unaware by a new wave of pleasure. Jeff would have made some attempt to relax, but he knew better. Instead, he watched Nick's eyes, and waited for it.

Nick's eyes were focused on Jeff's collarbone, his breaths deceptively deep and even. Jeff knew that he was finding self-control, struggling not to come, gathering strength for the task ahead.

Nick's eyes closed.

Jeff fisted one hand in the bedclothes, his other hand finding a place on the back of Nick's thigh. One of the numerous and great side benefits to having Nick for a partner was that he could grip Nick as hard as he wanted without worrying about hurting Nick. That went both ways, of course; at the moment, Nick's grip on Jeff's own thighs was pretty strong, and Jeff didn't mind at all. He flexed, just for the reaction.

The reaction came. Nick inhaled too suddenly and rather hard, his grip tightening.

Jeff watched Nick's eyes.

Nick's eyes opened.

Jeff waited for it.

Nick raised his eyes to Jeff's.

There! and it began, thrusting, pumping, slamming, pounding. There was a strong, reverberating electric pulse up Jeff's spine, spinning ecstasy through his nerves. The bed was shaking so hard it was knocking the headboard against the wall in a steady rhythm that echoed the pulse thudding in Jeff's ears. Besides that pulsebeat, all Jeff heard was the sound of Nick's throaty "ah, ah, ah, ah," right on beat with the headboard and heartbeat and every deep thrust.

Jeff kept his gaze trained on Nick's, watching the physical sexual pleasure revealed there, watching the way erotic tension narrowed Nick's eyes. Having his own kind of stamina, and having just come in Nick's mouth, Jeff could live through Nick's pleasure without being distracted by his own. Usually. Today was different. Every snap of Nick's hips sent ecstasy through Jeff's body. Every inch of Nick's cock burned friction across Jeff's brain. When the "ah, ah, ah, ah" became "uh, uh, uh, uh" and Nick began to thrust harder, jolting Jeff's spine and slamming pleasure straight through his body, Jeff knew it was almost over. He couldn't take much more. His cock already felt too hard, too full, too ready to burst.

Nick growled out something that sounded like "Come here" and yanked Jeff's hips even closer, pulling Jeff flush to his groin, making sure that he was as deep as he could go. His thrusts became shorter but harder, quick yet fierce, finding great force over a short distance. The head of his erection pounded over and over again against Jeff's prostate, sending wild signals of a desperate rush to orgasm. Jeff took his own erection in hand, tugging on it with rough carelessness, feeling the pleasure build to a crescendo, watching it mount in Nick's eyes.

Jeff's orgasm wracked him, crashing through his body, seeking to overpower his powerful form. He cried out from it, stiffening and tensing, spurting forth copious amounts of his semen. Above him, inside him, Nick came, too, groaning his name, a celebration and a plea, holding his hips too tightly, thrusting one last time. He recaptured Nick's gaze in time to watch ecstasy overwhelm all else, until the silence and the stillness, when Nick's eyes closed and Nick's head came to his shoulder and he soothed the shudders from Nick's shaken form.

"The first time you kissed JC," Joey said.

Chris groaned. "We all know this story by heart. Can't you ask him something else?"

"I like hearing it again," Joey said. "It's romantic."

"Why doesn't anyone ever ask me about the first time I kissed Howie?" Chris asked.

"Because we don't care," Lance said, but it was amused normal Lance, not bitter evil Lance, so Chris forgave him for it.

"We care," Justin said. "Go on. First time you kissed Howie."

"I remember the first time I kissed Howie," Joey said, leaning back, reminiscing. "It was a rainy fall afternoon, and the wind lifted his hair, and as I pulled him to me, gently..."

Lance raised his eyebrows.

"Keep going," Justin said.

"No, I'm sorry, it's all too much," Joey said, and wiped at one eye. "I can't possibly-"

"No, keep going," Chris said. "This is interesting. So how long have you been lusting after my lover?"

"I'm not-" Joey smacked Chris with a throw pillow. "You're sick."

"How long after you kissed JC did he let you, uh, put your tab A into his slot B?" Chris asked Justin.

"Um... It was pretty immediate," Justin said. "The second night."

"Not the first night?" Joey asked, surprised.

"No, the first night we were pretty fascinated with putting his tab A into my slot B," Justin said. "And I was kind of nervous about... He's so good, I didn't want to screw up and look like an idiot."

"How long after you kissed AJ did he let you do him?" Chris asked Lance.

Lance frowned, remembering. "That first week, when we got together, we were both putting up roadblocks to keep each other at bay, so it took us a few days to get our act together. And when we did, he screwed me. So it wasn't until, when, a month later, when he flew out to Cleveland, that I got to tab his slot. It would have been sooner, if we hadn't all had to separate."

"Are we supposed to ask you now?" Justin asked Chris. "How long was it before Howie let you do him?"

"I kissed him, and then... Then there was the awards ceremony, and then... And then he let me in his room and he let me in his bed and he let me...in...him."

"You seem troubled," Lance said.

"I don't know why he let me," Chris said, giving up. "I don't get it. Is he that easy with everybody? He didn't have to let me, I wasn't even planning to get that far, I just wanted to be near him again. Was he just being nice?"

"Being nice is bringing a bottle of wine when someone invites you over for dinner," Lance said.

"Were you his first time?" Justin asked.

"I don't know," Chris said. "He's never told me. I asked him, once, but he didn't really answer me."

"If he let you do him that soon, you probably weren't his first," Justin said.

"JC was your first. Bad example. AJ was Lance's first, and he let him in quick," Chris said. "Okay, it's possible that AJ has a few more seductive moves than I do, but it's still a valid argument."

"You could just ask Howie why he let you fuck him," Joey said.

"That's bad manners," Chris said. "Bad form."

"It's obviously bothering you, though," Justin said. "What's the worst thing he could say?"

"Even if that first time was just because he was horny and you were obviously more than willing to go for it, you got a whole relationship out of it," Joey said. "He was on the road, he wanted some, you were interested, he went for it. It's what we all do. You don't have to be passionately in love your first time out."

"You weren't even in love at that point," Justin said. "Were you?"

"Kind of," Chris said. "Mostly. On my way into his bed, it was infatuation. By the time I got up again, I was in love. But that infatuation... I was drawn to him. I couldn't keep my mind off him, or my eyes off him, or my hands off him. He was fascinating."

"You wouldn't shut up about him, either," Joey said. "It was kind of cute, at the time."

"It's still cute," Justin said.

"Eh," Lance said.

"I don't want to ask him. I don't know what I'm afraid of. I mean, whatever his reason was at the time, we're... We're a real couple now." It was still hard to say those words. He and Howie were a couple, a real couple, an actual functioning unit. "And he didn't do it for a bad reason, a prank or a bet or anything."

"My guess is, he did it because he wanted you," Justin said.

"Imagine that," Lance said.

"It's my first guess, too," Joey said.

"Why would he want me?" Chris asked, perplexed.

"Uh, I think he probably still does," Lance said.

"It's a safe assumption," Justin agreed. "Chris, dude, he wants you. He must have wanted you back then, and he sure wants you now. You guys have sex, don't you?"

"Uh, yeah," Chris admitted, blushing. "There's sex."

"Didn't you break furniture?" Joey asked.

Chris blushed a deeper red. "It was just a light fixture."

"Even when there's not actual sex, he still kisses you and touches you in between times, right?" Justin asked.

"Yeah," Chris said, twining his shoelaces around his fingers.

"Have you guys ever talked dirty over the phone while you're apart?" Justin asked.

"Justin! I'm appalled," Joey said.

"Brian, Nick, and Drew do it," Justin said. "We all know Lance used to. It's a fair question."

"Brian?" Joey asked.

"He's married," Lance reminded Joey.

"Have you?" Justin asked Chris.

"Perhaps. Maybe. Once or twice," Chris said.

Justin grinned. "Pervert. Really?"

"Does anyone else here not get turned on by the sound of Chris's voice?" Lance asked.

"Be quiet. We can't all sound like you," Justin said. "Chris." He pushed Chris's knee. "You guys have phone sex?"

"Sometimes," Chris said, lowering his head, pulling at his socks.

"What's it like?" Justin asked.

"Why are you so curious?" Joey asked.

"I've never had phone sex," Justin said. "No, once, kind of, halfway. We didn't get to finish because Lance interrupted us. But JC and I are never apart long enough to need phone sex. I'm wondering what it's like."

"It's very, very, very, very sexy," Chris said. "At least it is when Howie does it. I'm bad at it."

"You're bad at it?" Lance asked.

"I don't do it right. I sit there jacking off during normal conversation. He's the one who turns it into actual phone sex."

"You masturbate during normal conversation?" Joey repeated.

Justin grinned. "Good for you," he said to Chris. "I'm proud of you for that. That's true sexual need."

"No, that's pathetic," Lance said. "Sorry," he said Chris.

"No, that's okay," Chris said. "I know it's pathetic. But I have great big hormonal surges around Howie, like I'm a teenager again, and I can't help it."

"I'd jack myself during normal conversation with JC," Justin said, "except I don't need to, because he usually does it for me."

"Stop bragging," Joey said.

Justin fluttered his lashes and laughed.

"What makes good phone sex?" Joey asked. "What is it, I'm touching myself here, where are you touching yourself?"

"I think it's mostly about knowing that if the other person were with you, or you were with them, you'd be all over each other, so you're all over yourself just thinking about it," Justin said. "I guess."

"I know what being with Howie's like," Chris said, "and hearing his voice on the other end of the line, it makes me want to be near him, and any time I think about Howie, or being with Howie again, my body starts going through sexual, hormonal things."

"But if you're not in a serious, obsessive relationship, what's the point? The kink factor?" Joey asked.

"Probably," Lance said.

"I'd like to have phone sex with you," Joey said to Lance.

"That's interesting," Justin said.

"He already has a good voice," Joey explained. "And the more relaxed he gets, his voice naturally starts to drop. I'm thinking, when he's relaxed and in the mood, that has to be some sexy shit."

"I'd do him," Chris agreed, then rolled his eyes at Justin.

"AJ liked it," Lance said, shrugging, smiling. "I guess I can't be that bad."

"Give us some," Justin said.

"Give you some what?" Lance asked.

"Phone sex. What'd you say to AJ?"

"You're not serious," Lance said.

"Go ahead, try it," Joey said, grinning.

Justin smiled, encouraging Lance.

Chris hummed politely, staying out of it, wondering why these people continued to invite disaster.

"Okay." Lance cleared his throat, dropped his voice a register, and leaned towards Justin, deliciously close. "Where do you want me to touch you?"

Justin's pupils dilated.

"Oh, god, god, I'm so hard for you," Lance said, gazing deep into Justin's eyes. Lance's breath caught right on cue. "My body's so...hot... Tell me you're hard, too, god, yes, tell me how hard you are, I'm so hungry for it..."

Justin's lips were parted.

"Hi," Chris said to someone behind Justin.

"Hi," JC said cheerfully.

"Damn, that was good," Justin said. "JC, Lance sounds like a porn flick when he talks."

"That's not news, baby," JC said, crouching down behind Justin, leaning forward to kiss Justin's cheek. "I overheard him once on the phone with AJ."

"You did?" Justin asked.

"You did?" Lance asked, and blushed. Chris wondered why Lance would blush at that, if he had the balls not to blush at being caught trying to sex Justin.

"It sounded good," JC said, smiling.

"We should have phone sex sometime," Justin said to JC.

"Justin, we're never apart long enough," JC said. "I'll tell you what, baby. If you want to, when we get home, I can stand in the kitchen and call you from my cell phone, and you can answer from the extension in the bedroom."

"That's silly," Justin said.

JC kissed the back of Justin's neck.

"We could, though," Justin admitted, as the idea grew on him. "Maybe I should ask Howie and Lance for pointers. Or Nick and Brian."

"Baby, you don't need pointers," JC said.

Justin laughed. "JC, you always say the right thing."

"Disgusting, isn't it?" Joey teased.

"Yes," Lance agreed, and was it Chris's imagination, or was that a slight, creeping tone of bitterness seeping back into Lance's words?

matthew@matthewtime.com
"Where You Belong" Part 25
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