"Where You Belong"

Where You Belong, eighth in the "Living" series

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Thus far we've had JC/Justin, Nick/Drew/Brian, Nick/Jeff, Nick/Drew/Brian/Nick/Jeff, AJ/Lance, AJ/Howie, AJ/Kevin, Chris/Howie, and partridge/pear tree.

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashwriters.

Wherein Drew won't go behind Brian's back, AJ can screw anybody he wants, and could JC be mellowing?

Notice: First, read "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," "Rest in Peace," "Destiny," and "Together." I know it sounds like a lot, but it'll only take you an hour or two.

Nick found Jeff. “Go distract Nick. I want to talk to Drew.”

“All right,” Jeff said. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Something. As soon as I’m finished talking to Drew I’ll probably come straight to you for more help.”

“True.” Jeff kissed him. “Go ahead. I’ll go find Nick.”

Nick tracked down Drew. “Can I talk to you?”

“Sure,” Drew said. “About what?”

“Nick.”

“Maybe I was a little too quick with that ‘sure,’” Drew said. “What have you done to him this time?”

“I didn’t do anything,” Nick said. “I wanted to talk to you about... He’s different now than he used to be. He’s older.”

“He’s growing up,” Drew said. “Getting back together with Brian had him reverting back to old behaviors. This time apart has let him mature.”

“But there are still some, some old behaviors.”

“Yes,” Drew said. “It wasn’t a perfect change. He’s working on it.”

“Have you noticed him... Is he working on exchanging sexual favors for respect and attention?”

“What did you do to him?” Drew demanded.

“Nothing! I barely touched him. I told him that I love him, and he told me that his instinctual response was to offer me sex. I told him not to do that, that I don’t expect or even want that, and I think he believed me. But why is he still doing that? I thought that was one of the first things you were working on changing.”

“I am. We are. Nick knows that’s wrong. I try to be careful, I try to be aware of how the negative voices in the back of his brain might be interpreting what I say and do.”

“He didn’t make a move, he only said that he wanted to offer me sex. That’s good. That means he understands it’s not the response he should be having, and he doesn’t want it to work that way.”

“Yeah. I don’t know, maybe some part of him will always make that connection. But I don’t want him to think that way. I don’t want him to associate things like that.”

“I don’t, either. I’d like to help. I’m never sure if I’m doing the right thing or saying the wrong thing or what, until it’s too late.”

“I know. Nick’s responses, especially to you, can be hard to predict. It depends on the level his self-esteem is at on any given day.”

“Especially to me? What does that mean?”

“It means that he’s put you in a different category, and he’s not sure how to deal with you.”

“What category? I’m easy to deal with!”

“Nick’s easy to deal with, too, and see what a hard time you’re having?”

“What category?” Nick asked again, ignoring Drew’s excellent point.

“You’re his threat and his competition at the same time you’re his superior. In his head.”

“I’m not his superior. And I’m not competition, either. He and I talked about that.”

“Is he still a threat to you?”

“No. He’s not.”

“You’re still a threat to him.”

“I’m not! I don’t want to take anything away from him. I’m happy for him, I want him to succeed. I want him to be happy. Nick and I don’t need to compete for anything. I thought he knew that.”

“Some things, Nick needs to hear several times for it to sink in. Some things, he only needs to hear once and it’s stuck in his brain forever. If he hears ‘I love you,’ he has to question it and test it, over and over and over again. If he hears ‘I want you,’ it sticks. And some things he hears, but he processes under different words and comes up with a different meaning, so ‘I love you’ means ‘I want you’ and ‘I want you’ means ‘Let me fuck you while I’m still interested.’”

“Nick doesn’t let you say ‘fuck.’”

“I need to talk to him,” Drew said. “Are you sure you weren’t sending any of the wrong signals?”

“I touched him, but it wasn’t sexual.”

“How did he react to being touched?”

“I don’t know. He closed his eyes, but that might have been because of the ‘I love you’ stuff.”

“How did you touch him?”

“I just, I just touched him. It was simple. It wasn’t about sex.”

“You know Nick interprets things to be about sex when they aren’t meant that way.”

“It was a simple touch.”

“Do it to me.”

“What?”

“If it’s as simple as you claim it is, you can do it to me.”

“This is embarrassing.”

“Just do it.”

Nick put his thumb just beneath Drew’s earlobe, and ran it lightly down to the point of Drew’s chin. He dropped his hand and waited for the verdict.

“That was about love, not sex,” Drew said. “But sex, Nick understands. He’s not sure about love, especially from people who aren’t Backstreet Boys or me. You can’t give Nick love. He doesn’t know how to accept it.”

“What am I supposed to do? Ignore him?”

“Be his friend,” Drew said. “He’s okay with friendship. He accepts friendship. JC and Justin, he expects nothing from them but their company and conversation, and he doesn’t think that they expect any more from him. He’s friends with Jeff and with Justin, and he’s very relaxed around them. Around you, sometimes it’s easy and relaxed, sometimes there’s friction, sometimes there’s pain. He doesn’t know what you want from him.”

“I don’t want anything from him.”

“You have to let him know that.”

JC was gone, but his memory of JC remained. The soothing touch of JC's hand. The press of JC's chest against his back. The gentle words of love in JC's soft, intense yet calming tone. Justin twisted, unable to feel surprise at movement in the void, and burrowed into memory-JC. He surrounded himself in JC as best he could, trying to climb inside the memory, not to escape the nothingness but to cling to JC.

Jeff hadn’t had to find Nick at all; Nick had found him. Nick hadn’t seemed to want anything in particular, only Jeff’s company for a few minutes. Jeff was pleased that Nick was coming to him for reassurance, but wished that Nick could be as open with him now as before.

In time, he reminded himself. In time.

For now, Jeff let Nick skip from topic to topic, then said, “I like your ring.”

Nick blushed.

“Drew gave it to you in exchange for his engagement ring?” Jeff asked.

“He... He wanted me to have it. I tried to tell him no, but he really wanted to give it to me.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Brian doesn’t know,” Nick said. “Do you think it’s glowing?”

“Yes, but no more than you do,” Jeff said. “You think Brian won’t approve?”

“It’s his ring. I gave it to him, and he gave it to Drew. I don’t think he meant for Drew to give it back to me. But he can’t say he’s upset about it, because that would be mean, so if he doesn’t like it, he’ll have to pretend he does.”

“Can you tell when Brian’s doing that? Acting like something’s okay when it’s not?”

“Yeah. When we have an idea we want to do, and the managers or the label or whatever says no, we’re doing this instead, he gets this quick clench in his jaw and his eyes stop shining for a split-second, and when he agrees to it his voice has this flat sound.”

“When he sees your ring, if he does that, you’ll know he’s not excited about it, and then you can talk to Drew about what you want to do. You’ll know if he’s faking his enthusiasm or not.”

“That’s true.”

“Until then, don’t worry about it. Drew wouldn’t hand over Brian’s ring without believing that Brian would want that to happen.”

“It looks good, doesn’t it.”

“It looks very good,” Jeff agreed. “It looks great. I’m glad Drew gave it to you.”

“You don’t think it’s weird? He gave me his wedding ring.”

“That’s not weird at all,” Jeff said. “Obviously he loves you very much.”

“Yeah. I love him, too, and everything.”

Jeff smiled. “Well, that’s good.”

“Would you ever commit suicide?”

“No,” Jeff said. “Well, if I were held at gunpoint by rabid aliens and I was their only way to destroy the Earth, I might kill myself to save the planet from their evil destruction. It would take an extreme case like that. But no, I won’t commit suicide. It’s not in me.” He put his hand on Nick’s chest. “And you won’t, either.”

Nick put his hand over Jeff’s. “No. I won’t.”

Jeff watched Nick’s eyes.

Nick watched Jeff’s eyes.

“What are you thinking?” Jeff asked.

“You know what I’m thinking,” Nick said.

“We can’t,” Jeff said gently, and withdrew his hand. “It’s not right.”

“I know.”

“Tell me why you want to.”

“You know why I want to.”

Jeff touched Nick’s face. “I love you, too, Nick.” He dropped his hand. “But we can’t.”

“I know,” Nick said.

“Go see Drew.” He gave a gentle push. “Go.”

Nick walked away.

Chris had gone to fetch Brian. Now the three of them were sitting on the sofa, leaning forward, whispering at Brian, who was crouched in front of them, one elbow on Joey’s thigh for balance.

Lance was putting forward his idea. Chris was cutting in with arguments as to why it was an awful idea. Joey was watching Brian’s reactions, or non-reactions, as Brian was listening without judgment.

Lance finished. Chris mostly finished.

Brian ran his thumb below his bottom lip, and thought about it.

Wrong. Wrong, wrong, it was wrong. Barriers, walls. He was being kept from memory-JC, was being thwarted.

No! It wasn't memory-JC at all, it was someone else, something else. Justin twisted away, horrified, betrayed. Clothes, it was wearing clothes, it wasn't memory-JC, it had tricked him. He fought it, banishing it, and turned away.

Alone. Utterly, completely alone. He had nothing, not even the pure memory of his JC. Everything was tarnished. Nothing was real.

He couldn't trust. There was no trust.

There was no anything.

There was nothing.

Only the void.

Nick found Jeff sitting on a table in a back hallway, deep in thought. He scratched Jeff’s back. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know if anything’s wrong,” Jeff said. “That’s what I’m trying to figure out.”

“What’s possibly wrong?” Nick asked, hiking himself up to sit beside Jeff.

“I don’t know. Let me keep thinking about it. What did you want to talk about?”

“Nick.”

“Given, but what about him?”

“Have you noticed him trying to exchange sex for affection again?”

“With you,” Jeff said.

“What?”

“He only does it with you.”

“No, he-”

“He used to do it with all of us. All four of us. But I think he’s changing the way he looks at his relationships. He’s stopped trying to trade his body. Except with you.”

“Why me? What - - I’ve never asked him for...”

“He doesn’t know what you want from him. He doesn’t understand what you’re getting out of your friendship with him. He knows that you’ve seen him as a sexually open person, and he’s trying to decide if that’s what you want.”

“I don’t want that! I’m not trying to get in his pants. But - - damn it, it is me, I know it’s me. It’s not my fault, it’s Drew, I see him with Drew, I see the way Drew responds to him. Drew’s body, Drew’s sexuality, is wired for Nick. I feel it, too, when I’m alone with Nick and he’s standing so close to me, I just want - - damn it, damn it. But I’ve never, I haven’t been touching him in sexual ways, I haven’t suggested anything, I haven’t treated him the way I used to. I tell him I love him. I don’t ever tell him I want him.”

“I know you don’t,” Jeff said.

“You’ve seen them together. You’ve seen the way Drew opens up to him, the way Drew melts for him. They have this sexual connection, this almost tangible vibe. Drew wants him. And when I’m talking to Nick and his sexuality is so close to the surface, I’m drawn to him.”

“That’s what’s happening,” Jeff said. “Nick feels your sexual interest. He’s picking up on it, and it’s confusing your message. If you’re saying ‘I love you,’ but he’s seeing sexual desire, he doesn’t know if you’re lying to him or if he’s paranoid or what. And you, every time you feel the slightest bit of lust, it’s all over your face. And him, he’s trained himself to figure out whether the four of us are sincere or trying to get in his bed, so of course he’s picking up on it.”

“What we’re saying is, I’m setting back his progress.”

“It’s not intentional.”

“What am I supposed to do? Only talk to him in public at a distance of five yards?”

“You might want to explain it to him.”

“Explain it to him?”

“Yes.”

“Tell him?”

“Yes.”

“You’re kidding.”

“He’s going to understand, at least most of it. He already knows that you and Drew tend to respond to each other’s emotional cues. And Drew’s lust for Nick is a very strong emotion.”

“Yeah.”

“What prompted this discussion?”

“I told Nick I love him, and he told me he wanted to offer me sex.”

“Hmm.”

“What?”

“What’s ‘Hmm?’”

“Nothing.”

“Jeff.”

“It’s... Nick wants to make love with me.”

“What?”

“How can you sound that stunned?”

“He... Hold it, hold it. You just said that I’m the only one he’s trading sex-”

“You are. He wants to give you his body in exchange for your affection. He wants to make love with me because he loves me.”

“I don’t like this.”

“I’m not sure what to think about it. He knows nothing’s ever going to happen. He’s not going to try anything. Hey, hey, don’t start glaring. Don’t. Next time you see him touch me, I want you to bite your tongue. He is not going to try anything. Any time he touches me in the future, it’s flirting, it’s affection, it’s him reaching out to me. Neither one of us is ever going to make a move. It’s just another layer of this complex relationship the five of us are trying to work our way through.”

“He can’t,” Nick said. “You can’t.”

“He’s not going to,” Jeff said. “We won’t. Are you hearing me? I told you because you’re my husband, you’re my partner. I don’t want to keep anything from you. I have you, and you know no one else compares to you. Nick is so wrapped up in Drew and Brian, he knows whatever he and I have on whatever level we relate, it’s not worth it.”

“What is it?” Nick asked. “How do you do it? What level do you relate to him on?”

“Don’t be angry.”

“I’m not angry! I’m just pissed off that I’m still stumbling around and hurting him and getting in trouble, and you’re his soulmate!”

“Hey.” Jeff jumped down and stood in front of Nick. “I am your soulmate. You and Nick have trouble trusting your instincts to each other, because you’ve confused and denied every connection you have. I’m no threat to Nick, and he’s no threat to me. He lets me see inside him because he knows I mean him no harm. You mean so much to him, he hides himself, because he thinks if you see what’s really inside, you’ll hurt him or dismiss him.”

“He’s afraid of rejection.”

“Your rejection.”

“Why? Why am I so important?!”

“Because he loves you.”

Nick went still.

Jeff smiled.

“I don’t... If he loves me, then why does he have trouble accepting that I love him?” Nick asked.

“Maybe for the same reason you have trouble accepting that he loves you,” Jeff said.

“I don’t... I know he loves me. I think I know he loves me. He let me...”

“Yes, he did.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have.”

“It was a good step.”

“You want me to explain to him that I want him?”

“Yes.”

“You could do it. You talk to him better than I do.”

“It should come from you.”

“I won’t know what to say.”

“Tell him what you told me.”

“It’s embarrassing.”

“It’s true.”

Nick lowered his head until he butted Jeff’s chest. He groaned.

Jeff rubbed the back of Nick’s neck. He gently stroked behind Nick’s ear.

“Why can’t I just love you and nobody else?” Nick asked.

“Your heart is too big,” Jeff said.

“I’d be happy loving you and only you.”

“I know you would.”

“It would be easier.”

“Yes, it would. But it wouldn’t be you.”

Nick groaned.

No!

He was being touched, there was something in the void again, something trying to get him. He fought it off, but he had nothing to fight for, not even the purity of his memory of JC now, and it caught him, captured him and held him.

It was wrong, it felt like JC and touched like JC and smelled like JC, and this time there were no barriers, no clothes. It pretended it was real but it was false, fake, not JC, couldn't be JC, there was no JC. JC was gone, JC didn't exist, JC was not. It was trying to trick him again, but he'd already been betrayed.

It sounded like JC. It said his name like JC did. It soothed his nerves like JC did. It fit against his body like JC did, in that perfect way that came from spending years trying to be as close as possible. It called him Justin and told him he was beautiful and told him he was perfect and told him he was loved. It told him how pretty he was, and how talented, and how good, and how sexy.

He let it. It wasn't JC, but nothing would ever be JC again. He'd thought he'd never let anyone touch him, hold him, talk to him, the way he'd let JC. But keeping himself pure, staying pure for JC, didn't matter anymore. JC was gone, and Justin was dead, and everything was...not.

Nick put his arm around Drew’s waist. “Hey, Andy.”

“Don’t call me that,” Drew said. “What do you hear when you hear me say ‘I love you?’”

“I hear Drew’s voice saying ‘I love you.’”

“No, what do you hear inside?”

“Oh. Uh... I hear that you’re in love with me, and you want to be with me, and deep inside you’re mine.”

“What do you hear when Brian says ‘I love you?’”

“Um... Brian. I hear that he loves me and he’s my best friend and we should be together forever. There’s other stuff, I hear a lot, a lot, when Brian says that, but that’s the main point.”

“What do you hear when AJ says it?”

“AJ doesn’t tell me he loves me. No, I think he did once or twice. When AJ says it I hear that he loves me and we’re brothers and we’re bonded.”

“What do you hear when Jeff says it?”

“Are you about to make a point, or are we going to go through everyone I know?”

“Three more. Jeff.”

“Jeff. Okay. I hear that he loves me.”

“That’s it?”

“Yeah. When Jeff tells me he loves me, it means that he loves me. It’s straightforward.”

“What about JC?”

“What makes you think JC tells me he loves me?”

“Does he?”

“Sometimes. JC says ‘I love you’ and I hear that he loves me and we’re friends, we’re always there for each other, if I ever need him he’ll come, stuff like that.”

“What do you hear when Nick tells you that he loves you?”

“Nick?”

“Nick.”

“I don’t know.”

“Think about it.”

Drew was looking up at him intently. Nick didn’t know what to say. “I don’t know. I hear different stuff. Why?”

“Because I’m not sure what you’re hearing when he says that to you. I don’t know if he’s saying it right or if you’re hearing it right. Communication between the two of you is very clear sometimes and sometimes it’s full of a lot of static, and you start to misunderstand each other.”

“We’re Nicks,” Nick said. “We understand each other.”

“Then what do you hear when he tells you that he loves you?”

“I hear that he likes me. I hear that he wants to be my friend. I hear that I’m his link to you and Brian. I hear that he wants to do me again.”

“You don’t hear that he loves you?”

“Not... Not love, love. He likes me, I know he likes me, it’s in his eyes when he smiles at me. He’s very fond of me.”

“And?”

“And his easiest way to you and Brian is through me. He’s not pretending he likes me to get to you, or anything, it’s not an evil scheme, it’s just true. I’m his link to things that right now are out of his reach. But I’m in his reach. And he wants to screw me again.”

“Why do you hear those things?”

“It’s in the way he touches me. Here.” Nick’s thumb glided along Drew’s jaw. Unlike the earlier, example touch, which had been tender and loving, this touch brought heat. Drew felt desired, and when the touch lingered, he felt wanted. “I know that touch. Brian touches me like that when he’s gazing into my eyes and he's about to jump me.”

“Is that how Nick touches you?” Drew asked.

“Yes.”

“Nick. Nick talked to me.”

“I figured.”

“He doesn’t mean for you to interpret his words that way, and he doesn’t mean for you to interpret his touch that way, either.”

“I know what I feel.”

“I know. You’re very good at reading the signals people send. But you also have paranoid voices in the back of your head, and I know that they have to be undermining every positive message Nick sends you.”

“Maybe.”

“Yes.”

“Maybe you should talk to him.”

“He told you what I said, didn’t he?”

“That depends on what you’re referring to.”

“He told you I wanted to whore myself.”

“Nick told me that you told him that your first response was to offer him sex. Neither one of us used that awful term. He told me because he’s worried about you, and he wants to know how he can help. He doesn’t want you to have that reaction to him. He doesn’t want you to respond that way to those words.”

“Then he should stop touching me like he wants to fuck me.”

“Yes, he should,” Drew said. “I honestly don’t think he understands that’s what he’s doing. Nick, if you don’t want him to touch you, tell him not to touch you.”

“It’s not... Sometimes it’s okay. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like that. Sometimes it’s friendship or affection and it feels good.”

“You should tell him about this. He’s going to want to know, so he can change things.”

“Yeah. Maybe.”

“Nick. Why did you want to offer him sex?”

“I thought that’s what he wanted. I should be able to ignore that and not care, but if he wants it, he should get it.”

“No, he shouldn’t.”

“Yes, he should.”

“Why? You’ve spent most of your life with people wanting sex from you, and you don’t give it to them.”

“He’s Nick.”

“So?”

“He’s your brother. Brian likes him. I should-”

“You should not,” Drew said. “He doesn’t get rights to your body just because he’s in our favor. No one has the right to touch you, and no one ever has the right to sex, unless you honestly and truly want it. Do you think it’s right for you at this point in your life to have sex with Nick?”

“No.”

“Then don’t offer him anything. And if he starts to touch you in ways that put those thoughts in your head, move away. Ask him to stop. He’ll stop. He would never touch you if he knew you didn’t want it.”

“His guilt factor’s too high.”

“Yes.”

“I don’t want to tell him all of this stuff. It sounds stupid.”

“It sounds like you have legitimate concerns, and you need to work them out with him. I know Nick is doing things he doesn’t mean to be doing, and if you bring them to his attention, he’ll stop. He doesn’t want to hurt you, and that’s what he’s doing.”

“We’re friends. I don’t want him to start feeling weird around me again. He was finally comfortable with me.”

“But you’re not comfortable with him.”

“I am.”

“Talk to him.”

“I can’t believe he told on me.”

“I’m glad he did.”

“I guess I should try to talk to him. Otherwise, when we go home, one of you is going to tell Brian that I told Nick I wanted to give him sex when he told me he loved me, and then Brian will throw a fit, and we’ll all be in trouble.”

“Probably.”

“I didn’t actually give him sex, I just told him that the idea crossed my mind.”

“The idea shouldn’t be crossing your mind.”

“Justin gives JC sex every time JC says he loves him.”

“From what I’ve heard, and with no disrespect intended, Justin gives JC sex every time JC says anything.”

“Yeah, that’s true.”

“Talk to Nick.”

“I’m going to have to report back to you afterward, right?”

“Yes.”

“Then maybe you should talk to him for me.”

“No.”

“Fine. I’ll talk to him.”

“Today.”

“Next week.”

“Today.”

“Tomorrow.”

“Today.”

“Thank you.”

“But you owe me.”

Justin was confused. There was confusion in the void.

The not-JC was too much like JC.

Justin knew JC. He knew JC's touch in ways that went deeper than tactile sensation. He recognized it. This not-JC was touching him like only JC could.

But it wasn't JC, because it couldn't be JC, because JC was dead. Gone. Not.

But JC was touching him. It couldn't be faked. It couldn't be duplicated. His body knew JC. Every nerve ending he had, on every place on his body, knew the press of JC's hand, the caress of JC's fingers.

But JC couldn't touch him. JC didn't exist.

His memory was playing tricks on him.

He wasn't sane. He knew that. He'd lost his mind. He knew that. But insane or not, dead or not, he knew JC's touch. He knew the way JC's thumb rubbed over that spot on his back beneath his ribcage better than he knew his own name. JC was touching him.

JC couldn't be touching him. It wasn't JC. It had to be someone else, something else, pretending, faking, betraying.

He could prove it. He could prove it wasn't JC. It could fool him with these caresses, but it couldn't fool him with the real thing.

He offered it his body.

Joey didn’t like the plan, but Lance’s arguments sounded too right. He was beginning to think maybe they should do it. They could at least try it Lance’s way.

“We’d need somewhere to take Justin,” Brian said. “Somewhere you could keep him that’s far enough away from JC, but close enough to get back home quickly, just in case.”

“I can find a place,” Joey said. He didn’t like the sound of that “just in case.”

“We can do it on a trial basis,” Brian said. “Keep them apart overnight, see how it goes. Try it for another twenty-four hours after that. The four of us would have to be in constant contact.”

“How do they keep Justin from running back home, and how do we keep JC from running after Justin?” Chris asked.

“JC will stay put if we explain to him that it’s for Justin’s own good,” Brian said. “Justin will be more difficult.”

“Lock him in the basement?” Chris asked. “Tie him to a chair?”

“Why don’t you let us worry about that?” Lance asked, which didn’t make Joey feel much better, because Chris had a good point. “You’ll help us?” Lance asked Brian.

“Yes,” Brian said. “We have a little time that we were going to use in the studio, but until the 98 Degrees tour ends we can’t get serious work in, so we can use those days to focus on JC. Then we’ll see how things stand.”

“We had...one more idea,” Joey said. “Just a suggestion.”

“What is it?” Brian asked.

“You were great with JC today, but we also want someone to talk to Justin. He’s our friend, but I don’t always know what to say to him the way you do.”

“I can’t be in both places at once,” Brian said.

“We were thinking about Nick.”

“My Nick?” Brian asked. “That’s... You’d really want to include him?”

“Yeah,” Joey said, wondering why Brian looked like that.

Brian squeezed Joey’s knee. “Thank you. But... Oh. I don’t... It would be great, I’d almost want him to be with JC while I’d be with Justin. But he can’t. He’s with Drew.”

“I know,” Joey said. “We didn’t even want to bring it up-”

“You could ask him,” Lance said. “See what he says.”

“Yes,” Brian said, and gave Lance a look that bordered on unsaintly. “I will.” He turned back to Joey. “You find a place you can take Justin. Chris.” He gave Chris a look of respect. “I know this isn’t what you want. It isn’t what I want, either. It’s going to be very painful, frightening, and difficult for JC and Justin, which means it’s going to be painful, frightening, and difficult for the three of you. But JC needs to go through the hurting to get to the healing. And Lance is right; if Justin is there, JC won’t make the necessary changes.”

“You haven’t begun to see JC or Justin lose his mind,” Chris said. “We have.”

“I know that,” Brian said. “I’m a novice here. And I don’t have the bond with JC and Justin that the three of you have. JC isn’t my brother. But he is my equal. And that’s why I will be able to tell him things, to make him face things, that your protective love won’t let you.”

Joey wished Chris and Lance both didn’t sound right. But Lance was more right, because Chris didn’t have an alternate plan.

“JC and Justin, Justin especially, seem easily traumatized by the idea of separation,” Brian said. “We’re going to have to be ready for that. But we won’t discount it. If their reactions become too severe, we will reunite them and try another way. We want to help them. That’s our only goal.”

Chris looked slightly pacified.

“I’ll ask Nick if he’d like to help us,” Brian said.

Nick didn’t want to talk to Nick. It was going to be awkward and embarrassing.

Nick didn’t want to talk to Nick. He’d rather talk to Jeff and let Jeff explain it to Nick. But they were friends, and if he wanted to keep the Nick bond, he should at least try.

Nick tried to remember what Jeff and Drew had told him. Nick didn’t know what he wanted, was trying to figure out what he wanted, and was offering sex as one solution.

Nick tried to remember what Drew had said. Maybe Nick was saying things wrong or sending out signals he didn’t really mean to send. And Drew had been right; sometimes there was static, and they misunderstood each other.

There he was. Okay. Nick could do this. He licked his lips and walked over.

Oh, damn. Too soon.

“Hi.”

“Can I, uh, talk to you?”

“Yeah.” Hmm. Nick wanted to talk to him. About what? He followed Nick to relative privacy.

“Have you...” Nick licked his lips. “You were going to offer me sex because you thought I wanted sex?”

Damn it, he didn’t want to talk about this. “Yes.”

“I should... I should explain something.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I want to.”

Fuck.

“I... I’ve watched you with Drew. Especially since you’ve been on this tour. The way he responds to you...sexually. The, the way he... You can see the desire in his eyes, it’s all over his face, it’s in his body. He wants you.”

Nick braced himself for the attack, for the insults, for the pain.

“You know that Drew and I have a... We tend to... We get caught in each other’s emotions. When his feelings pull him in a certain direction, I start to feel a tug in that direction, too. And seeing him respond to you so fully, so sexually, day after day, especially here in this tour where we’re all together all of the time and Brian’s not around so there’s nothing to diffuse the heat between the two of you... I think I’m starting to feel it. What Drew feels for you.”

Drew wanted him to talk to Nick. Talk and explain. Nick didn’t know what he was doing, didn’t mean it, wasn’t trying to hurt, didn’t understand, didn’t mean it. “I’m hearing you say two different things. Are you saying that you want me because Drew wants me, the way you started loving because Drew started loving, or are you saying since Drew and I are all over each other, you want to fuck me, too.”

“The first one,” Nick said. “No, no, the first one. I don’t, it’s not that I want to get a piece of the action. I just... When the two of us are together, talking, and you’re close to me, and - - I feel warmth, heat inside, and it starts to hum, and I want to touch you, and it starts to feel very sexual. Like there’s a dial that someone started to turn up.”

“Okay.” Nick thought about that. It made sense, sort of.

“I’m not... Now that I’ve given it a lot of conscious thought, I can work on turning that dial back down. I can stop. And if there’s, if I look at you the wrong way or touch you in the wrong way, you can tell me. I’ll try not to do anything inappropriate or anything that can be misinterpreted.”

Oh. Wow. Nick had taken that whole conversation off his hands. Nice.

“That’s... I think that’s all. I just wanted to let you know. It’s not you. You’re not doing anything. It’s me, I’m too susceptible to Drew’s feelings. But I don’t want you to stop anything that you’re doing with him. You’re making him very happy and that’s great.”

“Okay.”

“Okay. I’m... Okay.” They looked at each other for a minute, and Nick left.

Whew. Okay. That had been easy. And informative. Nick did want him, but only because Drew wanted him a hell of a lot. Well, nothing he could do about that. Drew was on, very on, and no way was Nick turning him off.

He was screaming inside.

JC was making love to him. Making love to him, kissing and stroking and whispering and promising and arousing and loving, loving and loving and loving him. It hurt, it truly hurt, every simple brush of skin to skin was violence.

It was JC, JC, JC, JC, and he couldn't take it, JC was dead-gone-not, now the pain was so severe he could feel it. He could feel it. The void was gone, and now Justin lived in pain, Hell, torture.

He knew it was JC. The way their bodies joined. The way JC felt inside. The way JC's body moved against him. He couldn't deny it, but he couldn't accept it, but he couldn't deny it, and his brain twisted, and the torture was too intense, and the violence continued.

Shut down.

Brian dialed.

“Hello, this is Nickolas Gene Carter Littrell Lachey, and if you say it ten times fast, you get to go to our lightning bonus round!”

“Hello, Nickolas Gene Carter Littrell Lachey.”

“Pixie!”

Brian laughed. “Hi, Nick.”

“Pixie! Drew, the pixie’s on the phone. Say hi to the pixie.”

“Hi, Brian.”

“That was Drew. He’s a big fan of pixies.”

“Tell Drew I said hi,” Brian said.

“The pixie says hi. So, how are you?”

“I’m fine. I have a favor to ask you.”

“Yes, I will tell you the ten ways to survive on tour with Drew, but only if you shave your balls and send me the hair.”

“Tomorrow.”

“Ha! Okay, ask me the favor.”

“It’s up to you. You can say yes, you can say no, you can say-”

“I can’t say yes or no until you ask me.”

“JC needs our help.”

“No, JC needs a lobotomy.”

“When we get home, Joey and Lance are going to invite Justin to lunch while I work with JC. They’re going to drive Justin out for a while and take him to a private house. They’re going to keep him overnight, and we’ll see how things go. Chris and I are going to be with JC, and I’m going to try to talk to him.”

“You’re giving JC Brian therapy while Joey and Lance kidnap Justin so he won’t be around to fuck up the therapy.”

“Yes.”

“You realize that Justin’s going to have a complete mental breakdown, foam at the mouth, fall into a coma, and die.”

“If things become too serious, we’ll reunite them.”

“And you want me to do what?”

“We were thinking that you could stay with Justin. I’m going to have to be in town, because I want to encourage JC to continue to work on the Sentimental Fools. But the guys were thinking that since you’re so close to JC and Justin, and you must know some of the twists and turns of JC’s psyche considering that phone call today, it would be good to have you there to talk to Justin.”

“When you say the guys, you mean...”

“Lance, Joey, and Chris.”

“Lance, Joey, and Chris are inviting me to help them like I’m an insider in their secret club?”

“Yes.”

“Well, hell and damn. That makes me almost want to do it. This is all starting as soon as their tour’s over?”

“Yes.”

“So I’d have to leave Drew, and I wouldn’t even get to be with you.”

“You could wait until Drew’s tour is over-”

“But by then Justin will have broken down so badly you’d have put them back together again anyway.”

“It’s possible.”

“But if I were there, I might be able to keep Justin half sane for at least twenty minutes longer.”

“Maybe.”

“Damn. So they know nothing about this.”

“Nothing.”

“It’s for JC, though. And I was just telling Drew how if I ever needed JC, he’d come running, because we’re tight like that.”

“We can do this without you.”

“You don’t want me to come.”

“I want you to stay with Drew.”

“They want me to come.”

“You’d have a good chance of helping Justin, which would give me more time with JC.”

“It’s for JC.”

“Yes.”

“Damn it. God, Brian, Drew’s so fucking perfect right now, I can’t leave him. He’s so fucking perfect. He’s open to me and I’m open to him and I don’t have to push anymore. He’s just handing me his sexuality on a fucking plate and letting me do what I want with it.”

Too much, too sudden. Brian shuddered inside with deep, pained wanting.

“I’m doing my damnedest to keep him this way so when I bring him home to you you can have what you want. I want to give you what you want, you know I live for it, and I know you want him, and I’m trying, Brian, I’m trying. But if I leave him, he might start closing up again while he’s alone, and by the time he gets home to you, he won’t be this way anymore.”

“It’s up to you,” Brian said.

“Damn it, I don’t want it to be up to me. I wish I didn’t love JC. I don’t love Justin. I love Drew. Drew’s so good to me, and I’m... Something happened today that, I don’t know, I don’t want to leave right now. And you guys are almost home. Fuck.”

“I can’t tell you what to do.”

“You don’t want me to go. Drew would tell me to go. Hell, I can tell you right now, JC wouldn’t spend time away from Justin to help me, so why should I spend time away from Drew to help him?”

“If this works, maybe someday JC will be able to spend time away from Justin.”

“You’re my angel, Brian, but you can’t perform miracles. I don’t know what to tell you.”

“Think about it. You can come or not come, you can come late, you can come and then leave.”

“Okay. I’ll think about it. I love you.”

“I love you.”

“Hey, wait. Tell me something.”

“Anything.”

“What do you hear when I tell you that I love you?”

“I hear your heart beating, and I know that it beats for me.”

“God.” Silence. “That’s what you hear?”

“Yes.”

“That’s what I’m saying.”

Brian wanted to touch his face. “I know, sweetheart.”

“Okay, pulling myself together. Bye.”

“Good-bye.” Brian hung up.

“Yes? No?” Lance asked.

“He’s coming,” Brian said. “He’ll be there.”

Awareness.

Justin prodded at himself. Hmm. He was still here. He was alive. In *NSYNC. On tour. On the bus. In his bunk. Justin Randall Timberlake Chasez. Born January 31, 1981. And he was naked.

Justin opened his eyes.

JC, probably having felt that, raised his head and looked into Justin's eyes. He opened his mouth to speak.

Justin punched JC in the stomach, drove a sharp knee up into JC's groin, and shoved JC out of the bunk onto his naked ass in the dirty aisle. He pulled the curtain aside and watched JC suffer. Chris was slowly edging closer, but Justin wasn't concerned about it.

JC, after rolling around clutching his balls, got up on his knees and tried to say something.

Justin smacked him across the face. JC's head snapped back, but not far enough, so Justin hit him again, then once on the other side for good measure. Blood. Good. Justin drew the curtain shut before JC's eyes.

Drew, who’d disappeared momentarily to talk to Justin J., returned with a smile and a kiss. “How’s Brian?”

“Evil.”

“Why?” Drew asked, clearly not believing it for a second. Drew made a lousy sub.

Nick explained the lame-ass scheme to Drew, using the term “fucked-up” to describe JC a few more times than a true friend should. “Brian doesn’t want me to go, but he’s letting me be a grown-up and make my own decisions. I can’t go, he knows I can’t go, but now I have to feel like shit because I’m abandoning JC when he needs me.”

“Why can’t you go?” Drew asked.

“Because someone with hazel eyes and a big dick needs me.”

“I don’t need you,” Drew said. “I love you, and I want you to stay with me, and I’m going to be very sad to see you go. But I can finish this tour without you.”

“You know how ever since I got here, you’ve been so sexually available I can pretty much have you any way I want you any time I want you?”

“I’d rather not describe it that way, but I know what you’re getting at,” Drew said.

“Right. I’m trying to keep you that way until we get home, so I can let Brian enjoy it as much as I am. If I leave, by the time you get home to Brian, your thighs will be glued shut with all of the shy self-doubt you talk yourself into.”

“That’s not...necessarily...true.”

“It’s true as fuck and you know it. I’m not going to leave now and have all of my hard work go down the drain. Every time I touch you, your eyes say ‘fuck me,’ and I want to show Brian.”

“That is not true. My eyes do not say that.”

“No, most of the time they say ‘I want to fuck you.’ And guess what?”

“What?”

“Your brother is picking up on that vibe, and that’s why he’s acting like he wants me. Because you want me, and your emotional signals are so strong, he’s absorbing them.”

“What? Oh. Oh! Oops.”

“Yeah, oops.”

“Sorry.”

“You should be apologizing to him.”

“He told you this?”

“Yes.”

“He’s serious?”

“Yes.”

“Oh. Sorry. I didn’t... I had no idea. That is not my fault. He’s...he’s weird.”

“You’re both weird.”

“He’s weirder.”

“Okay, yeah. He is. So, that’s what’s been going on. You’re lusting after me so hard it’s affecting other people.”

“I can’t help it.”

“I know you can’t, angel, and that’s what I love about you. He’s going to try to tone it down, and it should be okay.”

“Okay.”

“I should ask him what he wants me to hear when he tells me...things.”

“You should. And you should go home to help JC and Justin.”

“No.”

“He’s your best friend.”

“No.”

“You were just saying that if you needed anything, he’d be there for you.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

“I’m going to be fine.”

“You’re my Drew, and if I can’t take you with me, I’m not going.”

“Well, you can’t take me with you, because the fans might notice if I’m not onstage. But you should go, anyway.”

“No.”

“What would make you feel better about going?”

“If you were coming with me.”

“What else?”

“If... I don’t know. Nothing.”

“What if I told you I wouldn’t regress in your absence?”

“You wouldn’t glue your thighs shut?”

“Right.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“You can call me and check on me every day.”

“Hmm."

"Every day," Drew said. "You can call me and talk to me and make sure that your influence over my sexuality is as strong as ever."

"Phone sex."

"Yes."

Nick pondered, his fingers wandering over Drew's back. "I like phone sex."

"I'm very responsive to it," Drew said.

"True, true." Nick pondered further. "No." He dropped his hand. "No, not happening."

"What? Why?" Drew asked, disappointed. He'd thought Nick was about to give in and agree to go.

"You're very responsive to phone sex because nine-tenths of our relationship has had us separated and phone sex was our only option. I'm not leaving you."

"It's JC," Drew reminded him. "JC needs you."

"Drew needs me," Nick said, running his fingers down Drew's cheeks.

"I'm very emotionally stable," Drew said. "Very well-adjusted. JC is not, and he needs your help."

"Joey and Lance can handle Justin. They don't need me."

"You have a way of talking to people, of pushing buttons no one else knows how to get to. And you understand Justin's situation better than they do. You know where he's coming from."

"I am not leaving my Drew to baby-sit Justin Timberlake Chasez."

"Yes, you are."

"What? No, I'm not!"

Drew put his hands on Nick's sides and gave him the firm voice. "Yes, you are."

"The hell I am! Stop looking at me like that! You can't tell me what to do. I came here because I wanted to, no matter what anybody said, and I'm staying."

"Justin needs your help. JC needs your help."

"It isn't going to work, I can tell you now it isn't going to work, it'll be a waste of everybody's time, and I'm not leaving you for that."

"What if it does help them?"

"Brian can help JC. Joey can baby-sit Justin. They don't need me."

"They asked you to help them."

"They didn't mean it!"

"Of course they meant it."

"Justin fights when he's threatened. He physically attacks. I don't want to get into it with Psycho Boy."

"You can take him," Drew said.

"Well, duh, I know that," Nick said. Drew smiled. "I just don't want JC gunning for me afterward."

"There is one consideration we haven't mentioned."

"What's that? All the fun I'll have listening to Timbalake whine and cry?"

"You'll get to see Brian. Won't you? In passing."

There was a hitch in Nick's breath, a flash of light in his eyes, a quick shudder through his heart. But then, "No, no, I don't think so. I don't know."

"You'll have to pass through on your way to see Justin. You'll be able to see him. You might even get hours."

"Drew..."

"Hours," Drew repeated.

Nick closed his eyes, lowering his head, holding Drew tightly. He tried to contain the violent throbbing.

"You'll get to see Brian," Drew said, flattening his palms against Nick's back, rubbing up and down slowly.

Nick tried to keep his breathing at a regular in, out, in, out, pace.

"In person," Drew said. "You'll get to look into his eyes. Watch him smile. Hear his voice. Touch him. Feel his touch."

Brian...

"Whether it's minutes or hours, in public or alone, he'll find a way to take what you're offering," Drew said.

Desperation welled up so thick Nick almost choked on it. He had to get back to Brian, home to Brian.

"I want you to go," Drew said.

Nick curled his hands into fists at Drew's back. "I can't leave you."

"You can," Drew said. "You left Brian to come to me. Now leave me to go to him."

"I can't leave you," Nick repeated. "I won't leave you."

Drew ruffled his fingers through Nick's hair. "It's okay, Nick. I won't feel abandoned. I won't feel rejected. I know how much you love me, and how much you want to stay here with me. I never expected to have you here with me at all, and then you came, and this time together has been like nothing I could have imagined. But I can let you go. I'll be okay."

"Bullshit."

Drew thumped Nick's back. "I'm telling you the truth."

"What about me?" Nick asked, raising his head and looking into Drew's eyes. "This is my big personal growth journey. I can't go now."

"You can," Drew said. "It might even be good for you. You'll be with different people, people you don't have established behavior patterns with. You can practice with them, and it'll prove to you that you can be who you're becoming, and people will accept it and respond to it."

"It's Lance and Joey," Nick said. "They hate Backstreet Boys and they think I'm a cheap whore."

"So kick their butts," Drew said. "They're the ones who need your help. Doesn't that tell you something, Nick?"

"They're desperate?" Nick guessed.

Drew gave him a look. "No, it means that you have very valuable ways of knowing and communicating."

"That's Brian and Jeff."

"That's Brian and Jeff and you," Drew corrected him.

"I can't read souls at a glance like Brian. I can't look in your face and know what you're thinking like Jeff."

"You understand where people are coming from," Drew said. "You can sense the hurt and love and ambition and anything else that's behind what they say and do. You just need to learn to trust yourself to interpret it right. With some people you doubt yourself and misinterpret."

"Like Nick."

"Yes," Drew said. "But not with Justin, and that's why he needs your help."

"I don't want to baby-sit JC's girlfriend."

"JC needs you to."

"I left Brian to come see you. I am not fucking leaving you."

Drew lifted his chin. "I'll kick you off the tour."

"What?"

"I will."

"The fuck you will."

"You're a personal distraction."

Nick frowned.

Drew's voice was missing its warmth, its shine. It was a voice without feeling, a voice Nick had never heard. "You're a professional liability. All of the interviewers ask if they can talk to you, and management hates it. They've been on my back about asking you to leave."

Nick looked hurt, angry, nostrils flaring.

Drew was looking right at him, hurting him on purpose. "And you're a security risk."

"Don't do this," Nick said. "Don't-"

"You should leave," Drew said.

Nick closed his eyes. "Bastard."

"I want you to go," Drew said, like he hadn't even heard that, or had heard and not cared.

"You are not hurting me," Nick said, eyes opening. "You are not, I won't let you. Don't pick a fight with me. I won't do it."

"I am asking you - - I am telling you to leave this tour."

"I know you don't mean it," Nick said. "I know you're hurt, you're trying to bury it but I know it's there. You can't hide that from me, Drew."

"I want you gone by Thursday."

"I know it's true, you wouldn't lie to me. They want me gone, they've been bitching at you about me being here, and you haven't told me because you didn't want me to know. You've been protecting me. Protecting me like Brian protects me, protecting me like I'm fucking four years old, protecting me like I can't stand up for myself, like I can't handle jack shit. They're pissed that I'm here? They're pissed that every time you have an interview or an appearance you have to face the fact that they'd dump you over in a second if they could get five minutes with me? They're pissed that I'm a security risk? It's not the haters they're pissed about, it's the fans. You know there are more fans around now than there were before, and you know why. You fucking know why. It's because I'm here, everybody knows I'm on the tour, and they're coming to see me, they want to see me. I know they ask about me at the meet-and-greets, I know they beg you to ask me to come out at the signings."

Drew was looking at him without expression.

"They're pissed because they're jealous. They're pissed because at sixteen years old I was bigger than you'll ever be. They're pissed because in sixty fucking years I'll still be a Backstreet Boy and it'll be '90-what?' They're pissed because I can take it, because I'm on this tour and I'm up when you're up and I'm there and I've been here every day. I don't bitch, I don't complain, I don't need a break, I don't need time off. I'm too professional to stress over the life, I haven't spent a second trying to get the spotlight, and I haven't once mentioned that the fellas and I get better hotels, better rooms, better food, better interviews, a better bus, and better fucking venues. I'm fucking Nick fucking Carter and your fucking management can shove that up their fucking asses. I'm leaving, I'll go, but not until Thursday. I'm staying until then, and you can kiss my fucking ass." Nick walked off.

Drew rubbed his eyes. Hell.

Joey had gotten JC's clothes. Lance was sitting curled up beside JC, holding ice to his face.

Justin had gotten up, gotten dressed, gone to the bathroom, found some food. He didn't seem worried about much of anything, including JC. He'd mostly ignored them, not giving them the cold shoulder exactly, more like he wasn't concerned with what they were doing at the moment. He'd said hi to Chris when Chris had wandered close, and he'd sounded almost normal. Not happy normal, but polite tired bored normal.

Joey wanted Brian to talk to Justin.

JC wanted to go to his baby, but they didn't care what JC wanted. Besides, Lance seemed inclined to keep JC where he was.

Brian knocked on the bunk frame. "Justin?"

Justin tugged the curtain aside.

"Can I talk to you?"

Justin climbed out and stood in the aisle with Brian, tugging up his pants, scratching his scalp. "What's up?"

"How are you feeling?"

"Pissed," Justin said. "Extremely pissed."

"At JC."

"Oh, hell yes," Justin said. "Did I break his nose?"

"No, I don't think so."

"You're lucky, Chasez!" Justin shouted.

In the back of the bus, Joey put his hand over JC's mouth to keep JC from replying.

Justin looked at Brian. "Is that it?"

"Are you all right?" Brian asked.

"Extremely pissed, on the verge of doing more violence to the so-called love of my life, but yeah. I'm fine."

Brian looked at him.

Justin let Brian look.

Brian smiled. "I don't envy you, but I do admire you."

"Admire me while you can. If he pulls one more stunt, I'm going to go insane. I can feel it. The insanity. Scratching at the back of my mind, trying to get in."

"You overcame it this time."

"Luckily for him." Justin glared towards the lounge in the back. "Count your lucky stars, Chasez!" His glare deepened. "I should just go back there and kick his skinny-"

"No, come on," Brian said, holding Justin back. "You love him."

"He sure doesn't deserve it!" Justin shouted.

Brian had to smile. "We'll keep him busy until you've calmed down."

"You'd better, because if he comes anywhere near me, I'm going to beat his scrawny ass so bad his daddy'll cry! I'll hit him so hard it'll straighten his fucking teeth! I'll-"

"All right, all right, calm down."

"Not only that, he made me come twice and he didn't fucking clean it up."

"You had sex?" Brian asked.

"Yeah." Justin frowned. "Wait, what the hell. You didn't know?"

"No."

"You didn't hear it?"

"No," Brian said.

"Oh, hell, no," Justin said. "That shitty motherfucker did not fuck me so incompetently I didn't make any sound. I deserve better, Chasez, I deserve better!"

Brian had to put a little more muscle into holding Justin back this time. "I'm sure he did as good a job as he always does."

"I wasn't screaming?"

"No."

"I felt like I was screaming. I was screaming so loudly, inside my head... Does he like fucking corpses?" Justin asked. "Is he into necrophilia? Does he enjoy taking advantage of people who are so out of reality they don't even respond?!"

"I'm sure you were responding," Brian said. "JC wouldn't get any pleasure out of making love to you otherwise."

"That's true," Justin admitted with a grudge. "And he did come. But if I wasn't noisy..."

"You can ask him about it later," Brian said. "Why don't you go rest?"

"Should've broken his nose," Justin muttered. "Let me just - - it'll only take a minute-"

"No," Brian said, firmly pushing him back. "We're keeping JC's nose the way it is."

"It's too big."

"So's yours."

"I'll just blacken his eyes."

"No."

"One eye."

"No! Get back in your bunk," Brian said.

Justin resisted. "I'll just rearrange his face a little. How hard do I have to hit him to shatter his cheekbones? They don't have to be that prominent. I'll just-"

"No," Brian said, pushing.

"His hands! I'll break his fingers. Just the right hand?"

"How's he going to play the piano?" Brian asked.

"He sucks anyway. Just the right hand! Just the fingers, I'll leave him the thumb." Justin was smiling despite himself, trying not to laugh, trying to get past Brian; and Brian, who was outright laughing by now, finally shoved him into his bunk.

"Stay there," Brian said. "Behave yourself."

"He's a fucking nutcase!" Justin shouted. "You be grateful, Chasez, you be fucking grateful!"

"I'm sure he is," Brian said.

Justin scowled. "He'd better be. Fucking nutcase." He pulled the curtain shut, muttering to himself.

Nick wanted to talk to somebody. He wanted to talk to Brian, but then he'd have to tell Brian that he'd been cursing at Drew, and that wouldn't go over well. Howie's line was busy. AJ didn't answer. That left...

"Hello?"

Nick frowned. "Is Kevin there?"

"May I ask who's calling?"

Could he ask who was answering? "Nick."

"Just a second."

Nick made faces at the phone.

"Hello."

"Who the hell was that?"

"None of your business."

"You got a fucking girlfriend?"

"Also none of your business."

"Send her away. I have to talk to you."

"Hold on."

Nick made impatient sounds.

Kevin was back. "Okay. What's wrong?"

"I cursed out Drew."

Purposely patient voice: "Why?"

"He was being an asshole! He was pushing me away and he was bringing up shit he knows isn't fair. There's this thing, I got into it with JC over JC killing himself, and JC was talking major shit about how he'd do it in a heartbeat, and Brian burst in with the Bible and gave JC a serious smackdown, and then Brian called me and said," Nick paused for breath, "when they get back home, Joey and Lance are going to kidnap Justin and hide out with him for a while so Brian can clean out the shit that's in JC's head, but the only way it's going to work is if they can keep Justin sane long enough to keep him away from JC. So they want me to help them baby-sit Justin."

"The idea that you'd help anyone stay sane..."

"I know! They're doing this right when they go home, which is like Thursday, and I'm saying, hey, guys, thanks for the invite, but I'm not leaving Drew. You get that, right?"

"I get that," Kevin said.

"Drew was talking all about how JC and I are friends, and JC needs me, and whatever. You know, yeah, right, JC's my best friend, but Drew's my, I don't know, he's my Drew. I'm not leaving Brian and Drew just to baby-sit Justin, I'm not."

"It's your decision."

"Drew decided to make my decision for me. He threw major shit in my face. Fucking out of line. So I bitched him out a little."

"A little," Kevin repeated.

"I could have taken it a hell of a lot farther than I did. I held back because I love him."

"What did he use against you?"

"Shit about nobody wanting me here. Management's on his ass about getting me out. I'm a security risk. He knows that's fucking cruel, he knows I already feel like shit about that one for about ten different reasons. I'm a personal distraction and a professional liability. Fuck you."

"It all sounds true to me."

"It's all fucking true, yes, but damn him for using it!"

"Why does he want you to go that badly?"

"So I can see Brian in passing. I swear the only reason that little Munchkin is with me is so he can get closer to Brian's dick. He doesn't give a shit about JC getting better, he just wants me to tell him lewd stories about how hard Brian fucked me when I saw him."

"What's the real reason he wants you to go that badly?"

Kevin never bought his shit. "To help JC and Justin. To be a good friend. Look, I can be a hell of a good friend from here. Maybe he doesn't want me to neglect my duties because of him, but that's my decision to make."

"Yes, it is," Kevin said.

"He can't force me like that. He can't decide I should go, and then make me go. He picked a fight with me! Drew and I don't fight. He hauled that out of nowhere and smacked me upside the head with it. I swear, I'm leaving here, I'll go, but I'm not seeing JC or Justin. I'll just go home and hang out with Brian and think bitchy nasty thoughts about Drew."

"What would you have done if Drew hadn't pushed you?"

"Stayed here. I'd stay here, and I'd feel like shit for not helping out JC, but I wouldn't leave Drew. He's my Drew, Kevin, he's my fucking Drew, and I'm not walking away from anyone who makes me feel the things he makes me feel when he looks at me."

"But now you are leaving him."

"Yeah, because the little bastard threw shit in my face."

"You wouldn't be leaving if he hadn't done that."

"That's too fucking bad! It's my decision!"

"Brian's the one who called and asked you to come."

"Yeah, but he asked. He left the decision up to me."

"Nick, Brian asked you to do something. That meant you were going to do it."

"I'm a fucking adult!"

"You're a fucking adult who does things when Brian asks you to. Drew knows that."

"They ganged up on me?"

"Not intentionally."

"Those little..."

"Brian called. I'm sure you told Drew that Brian's the one who called. Right then, at that point, you were going."

"Damn it."

"Drew was only doing what he had to do to make sure that you followed through. No, it wasn't up to him," Kevin said, cutting off Nick's argument, "but he's your boyfriend. He has some right to push your buttons to get you to act in your own best interests."

"Damn it," Nick said again. "He didn't have to do it like that. He didn't have to say all of that bullshit."

"Nick, you wouldn't walk away from this private time with Drew for anything. You deserted Brian to be with him. He knows you wouldn't leave him now unless he did something drastic."

"You can't make me stop being mad at him."

"I'm not. I'm explaining to you what he was trying to do, and why."

"He was shoving me away because he loves me."

"Yes."

"And I got hurt and pissed, and cursed him out a little."

"A natural reaction."

"It would serve him right if I just stayed with him and didn't go anywhere."

"That would be punishment."

"Ha, ha, Kevin. Drew likes having me around."

"I suppose that with all the people on this planet, eventually someone would."

"You have a girlfriend now?"

"Maybe."

"So there really are people around who still stick it to women. Who knew?"

"Nick."

"Okay, whatever. Don't get pissy, we're having good bonding time. Am I supposed to apologize to Drew first, or wait for him to apologize to me?"

"You could try going first. It would be a good step towards maturity."

"I should stop screwing him. Then he'd be sorry."

"He's going to miss it enough while you're with Justin. Don't cut him off early."

"Are you speculating on our sex life?"

"I know how much Brian depends on you. I'm only assuming that Drew feels the same way."

"Depends on me?"

"Nick, we are not discussing this."

"Yes, we are. Depends on me?"

"Nick."

"You know things you're not telling me. Never mind, never mind, I heard the warning tone, I'm dropping it. Depends on me," he murmured to himself.

"Apologize to Drew. Go baby-sit Timberlake."

"Okay. I guess."

"Don't guess."

"Okay, I will. I will. I'll apologize to Drew, I'll baby-sit Timberlake. Anything else?"

"You don't sound good."

"It's a cold."

"Take care of yourself."

"Fine." Nick rolled his eyes. "Is that all?"

"Are you wearing your glasses?"

"Yes!" Nick wondered where he'd left them. Drew probably knew.

"Good. That's it."

"Okay. Thanks for not kicking my ass like normal."

"You're welcome."

"Bye."

"Kev?"

"What now?"

Nick hesitated. "Nothing. Wait, Kevin?"

"What, Nick?"

"Um, AJ..."

"Yes?" So cold, so forbidding, so ready to smack him across the face if he even hinted at putting one toe across that line.

Nick winced. "Nothing. I love you." Not that it could make up for anything, but still, there it was.

Tired, sad, but sincere. "I love you, too, Nick."

Nick hung up. He knew that, back home, Kevin was closing his eyes, rubbing the bridge of his nose, eyebrows drawn together, shoulders hunched, like he was fighting off a bad headache, when all he was really fighting off was a bad, bad heartache.

matthew@matthewtime.com

"Where You Belong" Part 21