Copyright April 2, 2002-May 5, 2003 by Matthew Haldeman-Time

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Thus far we've had JC/Justin, Nick/Drew/Brian, Nick/Jeff, Nick/Drew/Brian/Nick/Jeff, AJ/Lance, AJ/Howie, AJ/Kevin, Chris/Howie, and partridge/pear tree.

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashwriters.

Wherein Drew won't go behind Brian's back, AJ can screw anybody he wants, and could JC be mellowing?

Notice: First, read "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," "Rest in Peace," "Destiny," and "Together." I know it sounds like a lot, but it'll only take you an hour or two.

        JC was making steady “unh unh unh” sounds.

        Chris had on headphones.

        Brian was asleep with a pillow over his head.

        Joey was watching TV.

        Lance was moving in random circles around the bus.

        JC’s voice was an intense murmur.  He must have been asking something along the lines of “Who’s your daddy?” because Justin changed from “yes god yes” to “JC you JC.”

        Chris turned up the volume.

        Joey turned up the volume.

        Lance paced.

        “Yes, JC, yes, JC, yes, yes, yes, JC...”

        “How many times in a row can they do this?” Joey asked.  “Isn’t Justin going to get sore or something?”

        Chris was changing CD’s.  “Ten bucks says they do it one more time after this.”

        “Twenty bucks says two more times,” Joey said.

        “You’re on,” Chris said.  “It does amaze me that JC has no human limitations.  He keeps going and going and going.”

        “He has Energizer batteries in his dick,” Joey said.

        “Justin has Energizer batteries in his ass,” Lance snapped.

        Chris went into his bunk.

        Justin called out JC’s name.

        Lance banged cupboard doors.

        “What?” Nick asked.

        Jeff smiled.  “Just thinking about how good you look.”

        “Thanks.”

        “What’s on your mind?”

        “I was just...thinking.  About last night.”

        “What about last night?” Jeff asked.

        Nick licked his lips.  “Did you hear anything?”

        “Besides Drew and Nick’s sex life?”

        “I thought you were asleep.”

        “I was, for most of it.”

        “I was, too, or I think I was, but I remember...  Did you hear Brian’s name?”

        “Did I hear Nick yell Brian’s name when he came?  Yes.”

        “Oh.”

        “You weren’t imagining it.”

        “I was in and out of sleep.  I thought maybe it was part of a dream.”

        “No, it happened.  I heard it, too.”

        “Why did he...”

        “Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t recommend having sex with person A and calling out the name of person B, but in this case, I don’t think Drew was offended.”

        “I guess not.”

        Nick walked up to them.  “Hey.”

        “Hey,” Nick said.

        “How’s Brian?” Jeff asked.

        “Good,” Nick said.  “He’s calling again today.”  He stroked Jeff’s jaw, ostensibly feeling the stubble.  “When you’re on tour, you see everybody at their worst.  Even at your worst, you look damned good.”

        “So do you,” Jeff said.

        “Howie told Brian I got sick.”  Nick dropped his hand.  “Brian’s not mad, he just wishes he’d been here with me.”

        “I’m sure he does,” Jeff said.

        “Sorry I got laid on your bus.”

        “It’s all right,” Jeff said, taking a subtle step back to plant his heel on Nick’s toes, making sure Nick stayed quiet.  “You live here.”

        “I hope we didn’t get too loud.”

        “No, it was okay,” Jeff said.  “We were asleep through most of it, anyway.”

        “Okay.”  Nick looked Nick over with a critical eye.  “I don’t know if stubble is good for you.”

        “I bet you can’t wait for the day you’re old enough to grow some,” Nick said.

        “I love Nick’s stubble,” Drew said, coming in out of nowhere.  He took Nick’s chin in one hand, bracing his other hand on Nick’s shoulder, going up on his toes for the right angle, licking a quick path along Nick’s jaw.  He punctuated the movement with a kiss to Nick’s cheek, then disappeared again.

        “Why don’t you lick me like that?” Nick teased Jeff.

        “I did, about five minutes ago,” Jeff said.

        Nick blushed.

        Nick laughed.

        “How can he want more?” Joey asked.  “Women are sore and pushing you off after half of what they just did.”

        “Justin doesn’t respect his body’s limitations,” Chris said, eating Joey’s Doritos.  “Somewhere in his head, he thinks that if he and JC share their bodies long enough, at one point they’ll become one person.  He’s trying to get to that point.”

        Joey and Lance looked at Chris.

        Chris shrugged.  “Brian explained it to me.”

        “Oh,” Joey said.  “Okay.”

        “It’s a theory,” Lance said.

        “What’s your theory?” Chris asked.

        Joey kicked Chris behind Lance’s back.  They weren’t supposed to encourage Lance.

        Chris kicked Joey.  He was curious.

        Lance shrugged, wandering over, stealing some of Joey’s Doritos.  “Maybe Justin’s lust for JC is insatiable.”  He ate two chips, then shrugged again.  “Or maybe he’s just the biggest fucking whore we’ve ever met.”  He walked off.

        Chris choked on a Dorito, and Joey was too stunned to help him.

        “Christopher Alan Kirkpatrick, will you marry me?”

        “No.”

        “Chris-”

        “No.  No.  No, no.”

        “Chris!”

        Chris had run from him.  Chris had pulled away; he’d reached; Chris had fled.

        Howie rested his temple on his fist and looked at the ring some more.

        Bad timing.  It had been very bad timing, the worst of timing, and it had been very painful for Chris.  He understood that, now.  If he’d only cheated on Chris, that would have been bad.  If he’d only proposed, that would have been different.  But he’d cheated first, and then proposed, which had made Chris question everything that they had together.  To Chris, it had meant that if Howie could cheat and then propose marriage, nothing that they’d shared had ever been serious.  It had made a mockery of everything they’d had together, and it had made a horrible joke of Howie’s proposal.

        Things were better now.  Chris believed in him much more.  But it still wasn’t the right time.

        Howie sighed and closed the box with a final click.  He didn’t know if he and Chris would ever have the union he wanted.  And he had no one to blame but himself.

        JC was tenderly shushing him.

        Joey was horrified.

        Chris finished coughing.  “I can’t have heard that right.”

        “I know I didn’t,” Joey said.

        “Was that Lance?” Chris asked.

        “I thought so,” Joey said.

        “Our Lance?”

        “I thought so,” Joey said.

        “Did AJ implant a mutating chip in his brain?”

        “I think so,” Joey said.

        “Hello?”

        “You’re not JC.”

        “You’re not, either, but I was willing to overlook it.”

        “Sweet and sour, let me talk to JC.”

        “He’s busy.  Hold on.”  Muffled, “It’s Nick.”

        Nick tapped his fingers.  JC shouldn’t let just any old idiot answer the phone.  Especially not Chris, who had no manners.

        “JC says he’ll call you back later.”

        “He can’t be doing anything important.  I don’t hear Justin screaming in the background.”

        “It’s none of your business what he’s doing.”

        “What’s Brian doing?”

        “He’s in his bunk.”

        “Howie loves you.  It’s sweet, and we’re happy for him, but it’s about to get annoying.  You ask him what he’s thinking about, he says, ‘Chris.’  You ask him what he’s been doing, he says, ‘Chris.’  You ask him what color the sky is, he says, ‘Chris.’  Yesterday he and I sat on the phone for twenty minutes trying to decide whether his eyes are darker than yours or not.  I don’t even care what color your eyes are.”

        “His are darker," Chris said.  Prettier, too.

        “That’s what I said, but he started talking about how your skin is so pale and your eyelashes are so dark it makes this contrast thing, and I had to throw up.”

        “I’m hanging up now.”

        Oh, Drew!  “Bye.”  Nick hung up and stood, putting a hand on Drew’s ass, giving Drew a kiss.  “Hi.”

        “Hi,” Drew said, moving Nick’s hand up to the middle of his back.  “What’ve you been doing?”

        “Talking to Kevin.  I tried to call JC, but Chris answered.”

        “Chris?”

        “He makes Howie happy.  It’s weird.”

        “Why is that weird?”

        “It’s weird because Chris is freaking annoying, and Howie seems to like it.”

        “Love clouds judgment,” Drew said.

        “It must, if Jeff is still with Nick.  Hey, since when do you lick me in front of other people?”

        “Since you’re teaching me to relax and have fun.”

        “Oh.  Good.”

        “They’re eyes,” Joey said.  “They’re brown.”

        “You think Howie has pretty eyes, don’t you?” Chris asked.

        Joey sighed.  “Yes, Howie has pretty eyes.  They’re not as striking as, uh, some people’s, but they’re pretty.”

        “As striking as, uh, some people’s?” Chris asked.  “Who are some people?”

        Joey looked at him.

        “Oh, AJ.  Yeah.”  Chris contemplated.  “I’m not as hateful and bitter as I used to be.  Or so I’d like to think.  I won’t really know until I see him again.”

        “There’s a lot of that going around,” Joey said.

        “All right, my next encounter with AJ may not be as dramatic as Lance’s next encounter with AJ, but it will be an important step in my healing process and my relationship with Howie.”

        “That is true.”

        “Do you think I’m pale?”

        “Yes.”

        “Does the paleness create a contrast with the eyelashes?”

        “Yes...”  Joey wondered where this line of questioning might be going.

        “And that might be considered an attractive quality.”

        “Yes.  The dark hair, dark eyes versus pale skin combination?  Is that what we’re talking about?” Joey asked.  “It works for you.”

        “Your eyes are lighter than Howie’s.”

        “He’s not even here for comparison,” Joey said.

        “I remember the color.”

        “Five bucks says you can’t go one hour without bringing him up.”

        “You’re so on.”

        “One hour starts now.”  Joey checked his watch.

        Chris put his hand over his mouth.

        JC was naked, covering Justin’s back, cheek on Justin’s shoulder.  His hands had stilled on Justin’s body; if he moved them, Justin roused, and he wanted Justin to rest.  His cock was snug deep in Justin’s ass.  It had been his last resort, but it was the only way he’d been able to soothe Justin.  He’d pull out in a little while longer, but for now, JC closed his eyes and lived inside Justin.

        “There’s plenty of time,” Jeff said.

        “Drew said he was going to get Nick, and it’s been half an hour.”

        “It’s only been twenty minutes,” Jeff said.

        “Where did he even-” Nick rounded the corner and stopped.  Drew had Nick backed against the wall and was kissing him like he was getting paid to do it.

        Jeff tipped his head to one side.  “Not bad.”

        Nick smacked Jeff in the chest.  “Hey!  Guys!  Drew!”

        Drew didn’t seem to hear.  Nick didn’t seem to care.

        Nick raised his foot and politely booted Drew in the ass.

        “Hey!”  Drew turned.  “What?”

        “We’re trying to leave,” Nick said.

        “Okay,” Nick said, and licked his lips.  “What, now?”

        “Yes, now,” Nick said.

        “We were on our way,” Drew said.

        Nick crossed his arms, not impressed.

        “Fine.”  Drew took Nick’s hand and started walking.

        Nick hung back a second.  As soon as Drew and Nick were around the corner, he pulled Jeff in for a kiss.  Jeff chuckled and kissed him back, shoulders leaning against the wall.

        Drew coughed.  “Some of us are trying to leave.”

        Jeff waved a hand to shoo Drew off, working his thigh between Nick’s legs, aligning their groins.

        “Children,” Nick said.

        Nick made a soft growling noise and held Jeff closer.

        Drew reached into their space and took Nick by the chin, hauling him off of Jeff.  “Save it for later.”

        Jeff wiped at his mouth.

        Nick shook off Drew.  “We’re coming.”

        “Right,” Drew said.  “That looked like you were real intent on getting out of here.”

        “You started it.”

        “Hey, we were out the door.  You were just trying to get out of your pants.”

        “So go.”

        “You go.”

        “We’ll both go.”

        “Fine.”  Drew and Nick started off together, to prove to each other their commitment to leaving.

        Nick moved in on Jeff.

        Jeff put his hand on Nick’s chest.  “May I help you?”

        Nick grinned and put his hand on Jeff’s hip.  “What did you have in mind?”

        “Maybe we should go.”

        Nick’s fingers started to walk down Jeff’s thigh, then traced back up again.  “Maybe we should-”

        “Carter!”

        Drew took Nick by the elbow and pulled him away from Jeff.  “You can’t play with Nick’s toys.”

        “Nicks share,” Nick protested.

        Justin came around the corner and found them.  “Are we leaving any time today?”

        “We’re on our way,” Nick said.  “Nick, you lead.”

        “I’m taking Jeff with me,” Nick said.  “And Drew.”  He took Jeff by the hand and Drew by the wrist, and walked off.

        Nick winked at Justin and slid closer.  “You want to-”

        “Carter!”

        Joey was watching Chris’s Backstreet Boys tapes.

        “This isn’t fair,” Chris said.  He glared at Joey.

        “The bet is that you can’t bring him up.  We didn’t say anything about me,” Joey said.  “Would you look at that.  Howie has a nice ass.  Great ass.  Don't you think so?"

        Chris put his hands over his face to muffle the scream.

        “Does it count as bringing something up if you respond to someone else’s mention of it?” Lance asked, lazily prodding Joey’s thigh with his toes.

        “Yes,” Joey said.

        “No!” Chris said.  “No, it doesn’t!  I can-”

        “You’d better not go anywhere near the subject of Howie if you want your five bucks,” Joey said.

        “It’s only five dollars,” Lance said.  “Go ahead and talk about him.”

        “And sacrifice my honor?” Chris asked.  “Never!”

        “Oh,” Joey said.

        “What?” Lance asked.

        “Nothing,” Joey said, “nothing.”

        Chris and Lance exchanged a look.

        Joey cleared his throat.

        “So, Brian looks good in this video,” Lance said too casually.

        “Really?  Does he?” Chris asked.  “I hadn’t noticed.  What do you think, Joey?”

        “Shut up,” Joey muttered.

        Lance slid down a little and rested his ankle on Joey’s thigh, watching the screen.  “AJ was the best sex of my life.  The best.”

        “Boy, are you missing out,” Joey said.

        “I’d rather not hear how good AJ is in bed, if you don’t mind,” Chris said.  “It destroys any grand delusion I have of being - - damn it, I’m winning this bet.”

        “I’m better than AJ is,” Joey said.

        Lance snorted.

        “And you believe this why?” Chris asked Joey.  “It’s possible that it’s true, I’m not saying it isn’t, I’d just like to know on which information you’re basing this claim.”

        “Whose dick is bigger?” Joey asked Lance.  “Mine or his?”

        “How would I know?” Lance asked.

        Now Chris snorted.

        “That’s privileged information,” Lance said.  “I’m not going to say.”

        “Mine is,” Joey said.

        “I wonder which Street Boy has the biggest dick,” Chris said.

        “I really don’t care,” Lance said.

        “Ask Brian,” Joey said.

        “My guess is that four out of five are about two inches at the most,” Chris said.

        “The fifth one belongs to...”

        “I’m winning this bet,” Chris said.

        “Three out of five, maybe, but not four,” Joey said.

        “Which means what?” Chris asked.  “You’ve seen Nick naked?”

        “He saw Brian in his underwear,” Lance said.

        “And then ran and told you about it?” Chris asked.

        “How big is AJ’s?” Joey asked.

        “Why do you care?” Lance asked.

        “I don’t care,” Joey said.

        “Then why does it matter?”

        “It doesn’t matter,” Joey said.

        “Then stop asking!”

        “It’s a matter of pride,” Joey finally said.  “I hate him.  Mine has to be bigger.”

        “That’s stupid,” Lance said.

        “Show yours to Brian and ask him which one’s bigger,” Chris said.  “He’s seen AJ’s dick.”

        “I am not showing Brian my dick!” Joey said.

        “I appreciate it,” Brian said.  “Am I interrupting something?”

        “Is Joey’s dick bigger than AJ’s?” Chris asked.

        “I wouldn’t know,” Brian said.  “Ask Lance.  Look at that, I’m on TV.”

        “Stop swooning for the accent,” Lance told Joey.

        “I’m not swooning!” Joey said.

        “Which Backstreet Boy has the biggest dick?” Chris asked.

        “I do,” Brian said.

        Joey, Lance, and Chris looked at each other.

        “It’s a big old thing,” Brian said.

        “He’s lying,” Chris said.

        “Of course he’s lying,” Lance said.

        “Is he?” Joey asked.

        Brian hummed.

        “He’s five two!  Kevin and Nick are what, six five?” Chris asked.  “Which is no commentary on the size of my equipment,” Chris told Brian quickly.  “Mine is so huge it looks out of proportion.  I’m just saying you’re short, and probably not as lucky as I am.”

        “Height has nothing to do with it,” Lance said.

        “We should have asked Nick.  He’d probably tell us,” Chris said.

        “How big is AJ’s?” Joey asked Brian.

        “I never looked,” Brian said.

        “Now I know you’re lying,” Chris said.

        “Why would I look?” Brian asked.

        “Everybody looks,” Lance said.

        “Even if you don’t look, you still see,” Chris said.  “Is it true about 98 Degrees?”

        “Is what true?” Brian asked.

        “How would he know?” Joey asked.

        “He’s seen Drew naked,” Chris said.  “Not to suggest anything, but they are married, so it’s safe to assume.”

        “Drew’s only one person.  You can’t judge the whole group by that,” Joey said.

        “Maybe we should believe him,” Lance said.

        “About what?” Chris asked.

        “If AJ’s the biggest, Joey’ll hate it.  If Kevin’s the biggest, I’ll hate it.  If Howie’s the biggest, Chris will be even more insufferable.  That leaves Nick and Brian, and I’d rather it be Brian.”

        “Good point,” Joey said.

        “Insufferable?” Chris repeated.

        “Must be me, then,” Brian said.

        “Works for me,” Lance said.

        “Is my time up yet?” Chris asked.

        Joey checked.  “Yes.”

        “Aha!”  Chris bolted to his feet.  “I don’t care who has the biggest, Howie has the sexiest!  Ha!  I don’t care if Brian’s is huge or AJ’s is miniscule or anything else because the only one that matters is Howie’s, and his is perfect!”

        Brian smiled.  “Good for you.”

        “Insufferable,” Lance said.

        Jeff nodded, tugging at his cuffs.  “Yeah.”

        “Nick?” Justin asked.

        Jeff rolled his shoulders and glanced in the mirror.  “Yeah.”

        “He’s still sorting out things in his head.”

        “I know.”

        Justin nodded and looked at his own reflection.

        “Before, I always knew what to say to him.  It was automatic; I never had to think about it.  We related on some instinctual level.  When he flirted, I always knew how to react.  He hit on me today and I felt like I was stumbling, fumbling for responses.  Our dynamic is different now, and I don’t know how to treat him.  I don’t know how to treat him.”

        “You’re not ready to be back at the flirting stage,” Justin said.  “You’re not at that place yet, and you’re not prepared to deal with it.  You can’t even think of flirting back, the way you might have before, because it would be completely inappropriate, considering where you’re coming from.”

        “I know.”

        “Nick understands that,” Justin said.  “He won’t take it as rejection.”

        “The awkwardness between us, the almost but not quite connecting, it hurts both of us.”

        “I’m sure it does,” Justin said.  “But until he’s healed, for lack of a better term, and until he and Brian have relieved you of your burden of guilt, things are going to be awkward.”

        Jeff rubbed his hand over his hair.  “I hate this.  I hate not being able to fix it.”

        “So do Nick, and Nick, and Drew, and Brian.  There isn’t one of you who’s okay with this situation.  That’s why you’re going to find a way out of it.”

        “Brian’s instinct to protect Nick does not bode well for me.”

        “You’re going to have to show Brian that Nick’s better off with you than without you.”

        “He is.  I know he is.  I was good for him before, and I can be again, I can.”

        “I know that,” Justin said.  “Prove it to Brian.”

        “Prove it to Brian by proving it to Nick.”

        “Exactly.”

        “I have...one other question.  As long as we’re talking brilliant mind to brilliant mind.”

        “What is it?”

        “Nick.  My Nick.  How unethical would it be to use him?”

        “Use him how?”

        “Use his influence with Brian.”

        “He has influence with Brian?”

        “I think so.  I don’t know how much, but it’s there.”

        “Use Nick without his direct knowledge?”

        “Yes.”

        “Sexually?”

        “In a manner of...yes.”

        “It would be unethical.  It’s even outright wrong.  But depending on how the situation is when we go home, you might want to give it a try.”

        “On a scale of one to ten, one being forgiving and ten being damning, what do you think Brian’s attitude is going to be?”

        Justin paused.  “My opinion on this shouldn’t mean too much, because I don’t know Brian as well as the rest of you do.  But I would say...”  He looked directly into Jeff’s eyes.  “Ten.”

        There was a brief, hushed exchange from the silence of JC and Justin’s bunk.  Rustling.  A quiet murmur.  JC emerged, pulling up his pants, looking sexually used.  He ducked into the bathroom, then came out to the kitchen and started to run water.

        Lance got up.

        “Shit,” Chris said to himself.

        Joey didn’t want to look.  He didn’t want to look or watch or see.  He kept his eyes on the movie.  He tried to ignore it.  He tried to forget it.  He tried - - oh, screw Bruce Willis.  Joey looked.

        Lance was talking to JC.  JC was listening.  That was all fine, except for Lance’s hand being on JC’s forearm.  There was no way Lance needed to touch JC to hold a conversation.  JC was nodding, paying attention, responding to whatever Lance was saying.  JC frowned in concentration, and Lance’s hand dropped to JC’s naked side.  Right on bare skin.  JC had to smell like sex, like sweat and cum and Justin, but Lance didn’t seem to mind.

        There were scratches, Justin’s infamous claw marks, down JC’s back and across what Joey could see of JC’s hips.  When JC turned to rummage in a bag for a towel and washcloth, Lance ran his fingers across the small of JC’s back.  JC turned back, putting his hand on Lance’s, saying something.  Lance’s fingers tangled with JC’s as he replied.  Lance seemed to want something, and JC seemed to be gently refusing, and was JC so used to having constant physical contact with Justin that he didn’t realize it wasn’t normal to hold hands with Lance?

        While Lance’s right hand was in JC’s, his left hand was on JC’s side.  Its original purpose must have been to touch the scratches, but now it was still, simply touching.

        JC gave Lance a small yet sincere smile, let go of Lance’s hand, and returned to Justin, ready to give a sponge bath.

        Lance went to his bunk.

        “Shit,” Chris said again.

        “I want to ask you about last night,” Nick said.

        “Okay,” Drew said, and began to remove Nick’s shirt.

        Nick got rid of his shirt.  “Was it good for you?”

        “Yes,” Drew said, and opened Nick’s fly.

        “You liked it?”

        “Yes,” Drew said, kissing Nick, pushing down Nick’s pants.  “You were so permissive, you were so open, you would have given me anything I’d wanted.”

        “You liked having me that way?” Nick asked.

        “Yes,” Drew said, and spread Nick’s thighs.

        “You can have Brian that way any time you want,” Nick said.

        “Good.”  Drew was kissing Nick again.  “Where’s the lube?”

        “Uh, Drew, you know we can’t have sex.”

        Sudden stillness.  “What?”

        “We’re on the bus.  I don’t have orgasms on this bus.”

        “Yes, you do.”

        “I did last night, but last night doesn’t count.  I don’t have orgasms on this bus, and if you screw me with this same quick pushy mood you’ve got going, I’m going to come.”

        “You can come.  You did last night.  Nobody minded.”

        “Let me give you head.”

        “No.  No, that’s not what I want, that’s not fair.  I want more than just an orgasm, and I don’t want to use you.  Let me do you.  It’s okay if you come, I want you to come.”

        “Not on your bus.”

        “My bus is your bus.  You live here the same as the rest of us.”

        “This is your bus, and Nick and Jeff and Justin’s bus.  This isn’t my bus.  I know the difference, and I respect it.”

        “If you’re not going to come, neither am I.”

        “What?”

        “I’m not supporting your double standard.  What goes for you goes for me.  No orgasms for you, no orgasms for me.”

        “No, that’s not right.  You stubborn little - - you have to come.  You’re Drew.  I love getting you off here.  Bus handjobs are so freaking hot.”

        Drew pulled Nick’s pants up again.

        “You suck,” Nick said.  “You suck you suck.”

        “If last night was my last bus orgasm, it was a great way to go,” Drew said.  “I’ll never forget it.”

        “Neither will I.”

        Drew smiled.

        “You said Brian’s calling today.”

        “I remember him saying it, but I was asleep at the time, so I might have been wrong.”

        “We should call him.”

        “He’ll call.  He has to call,” Drew said.

        “Why?”

        “Did he spend half an hour telling you how much he loves you?”

        “No.”

        “Then he’s going to call us back.”

        JC laughed.  “Okay.  Not right now.  He’s sleeping.  I did not.  I did not!  Yeah.  Is he?  Last time I looked, he was wearing jeans and a sweatshirt.  I don’t know.  Yes, his eyes are still blue.  I don’t have to look, I already know.  I don’t have to look!”  He sighed.  “They’re the same color they were yesterday and the day before that and last year, too.  I know that, I know I would, I’m just saying it’s - - I know I would, and I know you would.  If you were with Justin and I wasn’t, I’d ask you every day.  I’m just saying it’s a pointless question because they’re always the same color.  Eyes don’t change color from one day to the next.”

        “Do they really?  That’s right, they do change.  No, that doesn’t mean you win the argument, because yes, Drew’s eyes do change color, but Brian’s don’t, and you asked me about Brian’s.  You don’t win!  How is Drew?  Of course I care.  We do not always talk about Justin.  We can talk about Drew.  I like Drew.”  JC wanted to roll his eyes.  “Of course I like Drew.  I’ve always liked him.  I’m sure he does.  You what?”  JC listened more closely.  “Really.”

        He stretched his spine, relaxing.  “Justin doesn’t like being turned.  No, he likes the way it feels, but being turned away from me isolates him, and he doesn’t like to be isolated from me.  No, that doesn’t matter, facing away is very different from face-to-face.  Right.  No, I still do it, I just rotate him a full three-sixty.  It doesn’t hurt.  He loves the way it feels.  Did he?”  JC kept listening.  “Did you?  Yeah.”

        He laughed.  “No, he hasn’t.  No, I haven’t.  I don’t think that it would be good for my marriage if I called out Joey’s name.  No, I don’t call out your name, either.  I know.  Yeah.  I told you, if you roll your hips - - that’s right.  Did he?  I told you he would.  Sometimes.  Yeah.  Yeah, I did, I tried it.”

        JC blushed.  “He liked it.  He, he enjoyed it.  I told you, I’ll try anything if I think Justin might like it.  Except that.  And that!  Nick, I - - you did?  I know.  I know!  We’ve talked about it before.  There are things that you think are kinky that I think are degrading, and I will not do anything to Justin that - - I am not denying Justin anything,” JC said a little too harshly.  “If he wants those things, he can get them, but he won’t get them from me.  No, I’m not.  No, I’m not!  How does that make me a hypocrite?  I am not - - of course he can.  Justin’s always known that he has the freedom to choose to be with anyone else he wants.  That was different.”

        Sudden anger.  JC sat up.  “That was different!  That is - - don’t you dare!  I would never hurt Justin!  I would never!  Shut up!  That was not blackmail!  He knows me!  Justin understands!  I do what I need to do to make him happy!  That gun was for me!”

        Joey's head snapped up, eyes wide.  Chris stood.  They didn't hear any more, but what they had heard had been more than enough.  It was the first time since the incident that JC had acknowledged he'd ever had a gun, much less explained what he'd planned to do with it.  Cautiously, Chris and Joey made their way to JC's end of the bus.  They peeked in without him noticing.

        There was a long silence from JC as he listened, eyes closed, fingers tense on the phone.

        He slid down to the floor.

        He started to cry.

        “I know,” he whispered, and he began to pull in, curling in on himself.

        Chris didn't know what to do.  Joey watched and felt his heart go out to JC.  All of that pain in one skinny body...

        Tears were running down JC’s cheeks and dripping from his chin.  “I know, I know.  I can’t, I can’t - - I just can’t!  I’m not that strong.  I’m not you!  I’ll never be Brian.  I’m not that strong.”  He sniffled, trying to pull himself together, for the most part failing.  “All I am is what I give to him.  I know what you mean, in my head that makes sense, but that’s not true for me.  I don’t even want to be anything else.  There’s no point to it.  There’s no reason for anything without him.  I don’t have a reason to exist.  You don’t understand!  You can’t understand!  You don’t know what it’s like to love someone this much!  No one can ever understand!”

        Silence.

        “I know.  I’m sorry, Nick, I’m sorry, that wasn’t...  No.  I don’t know.  I can’t...  You have Drew and Brian.  All I have is Justin.  If I lose him, I lose everything.  I know, but...  Yes.  No!  Justin can do whatever he wants.  There is no guilt, there is no blackmail, there is no threat.  I want him to have everything, and if there are things he needs that I can’t give him - - no, no, I’ll give him everything, there shouldn’t be a thing I can’t give him.  But if someday, somehow, I’m not enough, if he discovers a need I can’t satisfy, he knows, he knows, he has freedom.  No, no, I never said that!  That was before!  Things were different!  If he asks me to wait, I will.  If he wants me to wait for him, I’ll wait for as long as it takes.  If he’s through with me for good, I’m through with life.”

        Nick was yelling at JC so loudly they could hear his voice.  Chris had guessed that JC had been talking to Nick.  JC wouldn’t say all of this to anyone else.  He’d certainly never say it in front of them, or Justin.  He wouldn’t be saying it now, if he weren’t so upset he hadn’t noticed them.

        “That is not true!” JC finally said.  “That is not his to live with!  That’s my decision and mine alone.  I would not put that on Justin, I would never do that to him.  He has every right to lead a happy life, and I would not make him suffer.  My death should never be on his conscience.  That is a lie!  Because I love him!  I love him!  I love him and his happiness is all that matters to me.  If he leaves me and finds his happiness somewhere else, then I can leave knowing that my part is over.  Do you want me to say it?  Do you want me to say it?!  I would die!  I would kill myself!  I would shoot myself!  I’d put a gun in my mouth and blow my brains out through the back of my head!”

        Joey recoiled.

        Nick was shouting.

        “That is love!” JC shouted back.

        “No, it’s not.”

        Brian's voice cut through the scene, immediately ensnaring all attention.  All three of them turned and looked.

        Brian stepped forward, coming between Chris and Joey to enter the lounge proper, his eyes narrowing with suppressed anger.  Apparently he wanted to smack JC upside the head and curse him out, but Brian was too civilized to give in to that impulse.  Instead, he told JC off in his own way.  “That is not any kind of love.  That’s fear and weakness.  Love strengthens.  My love for Nick strengthens me and it strengthens him.  Life without Nick would be a void.  If he left me for another, I would feel anger and emptiness and self-loathing, and I would hate.  But I would not kill myself, because any world with Nick in it is a place where I need to work my hardest to stay.”

        The phone was quiet.  Everyone was listening to Brian.

        Brian took a deep breath and knelt directly before JC, with him on the floor, looking into his eyes.  Chris figured JC had better not try to pull that "You can’t understand!  You don’t know what it’s like to love someone this much!” bullshit with Brian, because damn.  Brian understood.  Brian knew.

        Brian's voice came without anger now, but it hadn't lost its intensity.  He was quiet, speaking only to JC, explaining his heart.  “If Nick were to die, I would want to die.  I would want to join him.  But my death would not honor his memory.  I would make a sacrifice and live, so that I could live out the rest of my days in homage to his life.  The pain, the horror, the loss, I would bear them every day, because my love for Nick has given me great strength.”  Brian’s gaze was unwavering.  He took JC’s hand in his.  “I can do all things in him who strengthens me.”

        No one moved.

        “There is no cowardice in love,” Brian said.  “Nick and Drew have taught me everything.  Before them, I only glimpsed a shadow of what love might mean.  They have revealed its true glory to me.  Love strengthens, love binds, love frees, love educates.  Love knows no cowardice and no fear.  Love has taught me commitment, and love has taught me understanding, and love has taught me forgiveness, and love has taught me hate.  I hate, I know hatred to a depth of which I was incapable before love.  But I do not fear.  No longer.  You fear, JC.  The more you fear, the more your love suffers.  To purify your love, to cleanse it, you must let go of the fear.”

        “Life without Justin is not life,” JC said.

        “You cannot let that void swallow you,” Brian said.  “Do you love Justin?”

        “Yes.”

        “Have you shared that love with him?  Have you expressed it?”

        “Yes.  Yes!”

        Brian’s grip tightened on JC’s hand.  There was a bright intensity behind his eyes.  “Then it has its own life.  Your love for Justin lives.  It breathes.  It is.  No matter what else happens from this moment forth, that love exists.  For you, there can be no world without Justin, for there will always be that love.  Has he returned that love?”

        “Yes.”

        “Do you truly believe that he has given his love to you?”

        JC’s voice was soft.  “Yes.”

        “Then you will never be without him.  You say that you cannot live without him, for you fear life without his presence; and I say that you cannot live without him, for you never will live one day without his love.  If he loved you once, and he gave you that love, that part of him is yours forever.  You never will be rid of it.  You need not fear his absence.  He is with you always.”  Brian was speaking jointly from experience and truth, and in his eyes was strength and understanding.  There wasn’t a person on Earth who could tell JC how to feel about Justin, but here JC was, compelled to listen, laid bare by the gentle steel in Brian’s tone.  Brian was speaking from his own love for Nick, and no one could deny him.  “Always.”

        JC was crying.

        Brian’s voice came out soft, as though he knew his words hurt, but had to say them for JC's own good.  “There is no fear in love,” Brian said, “but perfect love casts out fear.”

        JC dropped the phone and finally broke down into wracking sobs.  Joey couldn’t take it.  He came forward and sat beside JC, pulling JC into his embrace.

        Tears began to shimmer on Brian's cheek.  He put his hand on JC's back, as though needing to touch JC's pain, as though needing to give his own strength.  “Love survives in places nothing else can,” Brian said.  “Love thrives when all else has died, and everything good then grows from it.”

        Chris stared.  God, Brian was good.  He'd just delivered a serious smackdown.  It had been like Sunday Night Heat, Brian-style.

        Brian wiped away his tears and picked up the phone JC had dropped.  “Hello?”

        “Brian,” Drew said.  “I...I don’t know what to say.  Nick was yelling at JC, getting angrier and angrier, and all of a sudden he just stopped and listened.  He started to cry, and he gave the phone to me, and I could hear you.  What you said...”

        “Drew.”

        “I almost don’t want to tell you that I love you, because my love can’t compare-”

        “I love,” Brian said, “because you showed me the way.  I love because you and Nick taught me how.  You let me learn love, Drew, and you let me express love.  Your love is the quiet force that gives me life.  Your love carries my feet, keeps air in my lungs, and pumps the blood through my heart.  Drew, your love sustains me.  It provides my daily faith.”

        “Brian...”

        “When the world overwhelms me, I turn to you to find my peace.”

        “I love you, Brian.”

        “I love you, Drew.  You’re my foundation.”

        “How does he get away with saying stuff like that?” Chris asked Joey.  “I believed every word of it.”

        “I’d never pull it off,” Joey said.

        “You have to find your own way,” Brian said.  He was off the phone and rubbing JC’s shoulder.  “Chris.”

        “Yeah?” Chris asked.

        “Will you help Justin?”

        Justin!  Chris scrambled back to Justin’s bunk and looked in.  Thank God, Justin was sleeping.  Completely naked, but sleeping.  It was strange that Justin had slept through JC's yelling, though, especially since JC was having an emotional breakdown and the two of them were supposed to be in tune with each other.  Weird.  Oh, god, Justin wasn't dead or anything, was he?  Chris touched Justin's chin, figuring either he'd wake Justin up or get a clear path to checking Justin's pulse.  Justin didn't react, so Chris put two fingers to Justin's neck.  Chris's own heart was doing some frantic thing, and Chris's stomach was in cramps and knots, and he couldn't find a pulse which didn't mean anything because he wasn't good at pulses, anyway.  The wrist, the - - there was blood on Justin's fingers, blood in Justin's fingernails, blood on Chris's fingers, blood on Justin's neck, Justin's heart was beating and Justin was bleeding and “Oh god, Justin, shit.”  Chris ran back to the lounge.

        Brian looked up just as Chris dropped to his knees.  Before Chris could speak, Brian said, “JC.”  His tone of command caught JC’s attention, and JC’s eyes opened and focused.  Brian took Chris's hand and raised Chris's bloody fingertips before JC’s gaze.  “This is what your fear does to him.”

        That was the moment when JC almost lost it.  Joey, holding him, could feel him about to snap.

        Brian cupped JC’s chin in his hand and made JC look at him, not angrily or violently, only firmly.  “Strength.  Not fear.  Love uplifts.  Love raises.  Raise Justin.  Raise yourself.  Support him.  You have, inside you, inside your love, everything you need.  All of the tools are there.  Use them.”

        JC started to break.

        “Listen to me, JC.  Pull yourself together.  You will not lose him.  You will always have the love that he gave you.  If you believe in that, you will have the strength you need to help him.  What you’ve done is given him your fear.  There is no fear in love.  Learn that.  Believe in him, believe in yourself, believe in his love, your love, the love you share together.”

        “I love,” JC said, his chest rising and falling with each panting breath.

        “Yes,” Brian said.

        “There is no fear in love.”

        “No fear.”

        “I love.”

        “You love,” Brian said.

        JC slowly pushed at Joey, and Joey let him go.  He stood, and made a few slow steps out of the lounge.

        "He's unconscious," Chris said to Brian and Joey.  "He was, he was clawing at himself, he must have been, his neck, his arm, I don't, I think he passed out-"

        "How serious?" Brian asked.  "That's a lot of blood for self-inflicted scratches."

        "He passed out?" Joey asked.

        JC had made it to his bunk.  He pulled back the curtain the whole way, revealing Justin, naked, unconscious, with bloody fingertips.

        Brian put his hands on JC's shoulders to keep JC from falling backwards.  "Justin needs your strength," he said.  "Joey, will you get some alcohol and some cotton balls?  Chris, look for Band-Aids."  Then he closed his eyes, and Chris saw tears again, and Brian whispered "Sweetheart" to himself.  It looked like it was all Brian could do to stay strong to help the rest of them; so Chris, who was doing his best not to freak out, did his part and went to find Band-Aids.

        JC knelt, and Brian moved with him, supporting him.  JC took a deep breath and put his hand on Justin's arm.  "Justin.  Justin, baby-"

        Justin was screaming before his eyes opened.  He rolled away, his back to everything, curling into a tight ball.  The scream cut off, and he began to shake.

        "Justin," JC said.  "Oh, god, baby, Justin, no."  He put his hand on Justin's spine, feeling the tremors.  "Justin, Justin.  It's me, baby, I'm right here.  Look at me, Justin, look at me."

        Justin didn't respond.

        "I'm in you, Justin, I'm inside of you, baby, I know you feel it," JC said.  "Remember what I promised?  Remember what we said?  I'm always in you, Justin.  That means I'm always with you.  I'm right here, Justin."

        Silent shaking.

        "Can you hear me, Justin?  Do you hear my voice?  I'm right here with you.  I'm always with you."  JC climbed into the bunk and wrapped himself around Justin, holding Justin as completely as he could.  "I'm sorry, Justin, I'm so sorry, baby."  His voice wavered, and his tears wet Justin's hair.  "I'm sorry, Justin.  I love you, I love you every second of every hour of every day, every night.  No matter where I am or what I'm doing, I'm loving you.  It only hurts this much because I love this much, and I can't wish the hurt away because I never want to lose any of this love.  The day I love you less is a day that will never come."

        Justin still wasn't responding.

        "I know what you heard, baby, I know what I said.  That wasn't meant for your ears, Justin.  You shouldn't hear those things.  You shouldn't have to think about those things.  I'm sorry, Justin.  I'm sorry, baby."  JC rubbed Justin's arms.  "I'm sorry you heard me say that.  I'm sorry I scared you.  I'm sorry I hurt you.  Please, baby, talk to me.  I love you, Justin, I love you and I'm sorry.  It's all right, baby.  It's all right now."

        Brian rose, pulling the curtain shut, stepping back.

        Chris wondered if even JC would be able to pull Justin out of this one.

        Joey paused at Lance’s bunk.  Lance couldn’t have slept through all of that, but the bunk was silent.

        No fear in love.  Maybe all Lance had was fear, because Lance didn’t seem to think that he had love.  That wasn’t true.  Joey, for example, loved Lance.  Not the same way that Brian loved Nick, granted, but it was still love.  Brotherly, strong platonic love had to count for something.  As long as Joey loved Lance, Lance wasn’t alone, according to Brian.

        Maybe that was why Joey felt lonely, sometimes, but never really alone.  No matter what, he loved the guys, and he carried them around in his heart like snapshots in a wallet.

        JC and Justin had their love, and Chris had love with Howie.  Maybe Joey could share his love with Lance, so Lance would feel less alone, fear less, and be less self-destructive.

        But the fabric of the bunk’s curtain was like a steel fortress, erected by Lance to forbid trespass, and Joey was too afraid of rejection to make his move.

        Drew wiped his tears on Nick’s shirt.

        “Nothing like a good emotional breakdown,” Nick said.  “I got JC worked up, but Brian knocked him flat on his ass, and then knocked us on our asses, too.”

        “I never saw it coming,” Drew said.

        “He was on a roll, too,” Nick said.  “He pulled out some serious shit.”

        “He was quoting the Bible.”

        “God, Drew, right before I handed you the phone, that thing that had me broken down, he said that line, a line I actually heard before, the thing about I can do all things through Him because He gives me strength.”

        “Philippians.  Four thirteen.”

        “He said it about me, he meant me.  You can’t quote the Bible and substitute random people for God!”

        “You’re not random people, you’re Nick.”

        “You’re crying again.”

        “I’m crying because it’s true.  I’m crying because it’s incredible that he said that.  I’m crying because I know he meant it.  Leave me alone.”

        “What did he say to you?”

        “Things.”

        “What things?”

        “Good things.”

        “Like what?”

        “He said I’m his foundation.”

        Nick put his fingers under Drew’s chin and raised Drew’s face.  He watched tears stream down from vulnerable, wounded eyes.  His voice was soft.  “I love you when you cry.”

        Fresh joy brought fresh pain.

        Nick gave Drew’s lips a gentle kiss wet with tears.

        never hurt Justin I would never

        all that matters

        lose everything

        Sometimes, he thought he heard them again.  JC's words.  Not JC's voice, not any voice, just the words themselves.  He let the words be, allowed them to drift in and out of the nothingness.  He wasn't sure they meant anything anymore.  He wasn't sure anything meant anything anymore.  He wasn't sure there was anything to mean.

        gun was for me

        reason to exist

        Justin understands

        Maybe the world had ended.

      my death his conscience

        do what I need to do

        what I give to him

        JC was gone.  Justin's world had ended.  There was a pain so immense, it didn't hurt.  It only was.  Nothing else was.  Just the void, and the terrible not-pain.

        every right to lead a happy life

      love

        not make him suffer

        Terror and horror too overwhelming to be endured.  Emotional and physical agony too strong to be felt.  JC's absence so complete that nothing else existed. Everything had left when JC had gone.

        Do you want me to say it?  Do you want me to say it?!

        "What's up, D.?"

        Howie smiled.  "Hey, AJ.  How are you?"

        "Good.  I just left my mom's place."

        "And what does she think about your big decision?"

        "I didn't tell her.  And she doesn't know about what went down between me and Kevin in Kendig.  She's smacking me around over fucking up with Lance; I'm not about to tell her I used the Rev. Kev for sex.  She'd beat me."

        "She likes Lance?"

        "He has green eyes and a round ass, and his shit's in order.  He's the best relationship I've ever had.  She told me if I don't bring home someone better, she's going to make me go back to him."

        "You're very lucky, AJ."

        "What are you talking about?  Your family loves Juicy-Juice."

        "They think he's great.  He's smart, he's funny, he's attractive, he's rich, his eyebrows do that skeptical arch thing.  But I know that no matter how great Chris is, how important he is to my life, how much I love him, deep down my mother still wants me to show up with a wife."

        "You know you have to live for yourself, D.  You can't change to suit what anyone else says, because there's no end to that road."

        "AJ, we're talking about Chris," Howie said.  "I wouldn't leave Chris for my mother, for the Pope, for anybody.  I wish that my mother were as happy about me being with him as I am, but even if she's not, that doesn't change anything between him and me."

        "Good for you, Howie."

        "You need to be the same way."

        "I am," AJ said.  "When have you ever seen me bow to peer pressure?"

        "There's some internal peer pressure, some voice in your head, that works the same way.  You need to tell it to shut up.  Do what you want to do."

        "How did you-"

        "You went to see your mother.  That means you're doubting yourself and you're trying to get her guidance and her approval.  You don't need anyone's approval but your own.  Don't second-guess now."

        "If Saint Brian can defy his family and marry Drew and screw Nick non-stop, if the Reverend Richardson can defy his family and fuck me on the rebound, then I can pick the upstanding citizen of my choice to be my life partner.  I know what my mother wants from me, and that's for me to do the fucking best I can in life and be happy.  I'm going to do my fucking best and I'm going to be happy, and if it takes a pair of green eyes by my side to get me there, then that's what I'll have."

        "You will have me as your best man, won't you?"

        "I am not marrying a man."

        "Why not?"

        "I know everyone else is doing it, but it is not my thing.  I don't want a husband or a wife; I want a partner."

        "That's what a husband is," Howie said.

        "How would you know?" AJ asked, his tone defensive.

        Howie refused to let that hurt.  "I know because I want to marry Chris, and I know what I want from that marriage.  I want Chris to be my partner.  My other half.  We're not quite there yet, but I know that we can be."

        "You want to get married because you always thought you would.  You knew in the back of your head that someday you'd find a woman and settle down and get married.  You're thinking that you can still do all of that with a man, but you can't.  It's different.  Why does everyone act like it's the same?  It's not!  Chris is a man.  There's no bride in a white dress.  There's no veil, only a beard.  The Catholic church is not going to give you a big thumbs-up.  And this damned name-changing, what the hell is that?  Brian and Nick have three fucking last names."

        "AJ, tell me what's wrong before I hang up on you."

        "He's going to want to get married.  To a woman.  I know he is.  I don't care what he thinks he's feeling, I know he's going to want to settle down with a nice wife and have kids and probably join the damned PTA.  It's in some people, that conservative nesting instinct."

        "It's in you, too," Howie said.  "You want to settle down with home and comfort."

        "He's my fucking home and comfort," AJ said.  "He's about to be my fucking everything if I start loving him any more.  He makes me feel so fucking needy."

        "You need love," Howie said.  "You need to feel love, that's all.  We all do."

        "What am I supposed to do the day he starts resenting me and wishing he had a perfect little family?"

        "Don't worry about that now.  When you talk to him, bring it up.  Ask him about it.  Give him the choice.  AJ, Brian is, above everyone, the most likely to settle down with the perfect straight life, and look at him.  He's with Nick and Drew and you'll never convince him he isn't exactly where he belongs.  The perfect life is a different thing for everyone.  We all make our own choices.  You've always made your own choices."

        "Don't listen to my shit, D.  You know I hope you get your marriage and your partner and Chris beside you for life."

        "I know."

        "I can't wait to go home and see you two together again.  Every time you give him that little smile, he swoons.  You're a very cute couple, Howie."

        "You're going to be a part of a couple yourself, any day now.  Not a cute couple..."

        "A hot couple," AJ said.  "A very, very hot couple."  Howie could almost hear AJ's wicked smile.  "Hot."

        JC was dead.

        He was dead, too.  He had to be.  This was death.  This nothingness.  This not-feeling, not-being.  This wasn't Heaven; he'd had that experience, felt it, touched it, tasted it, breathed it, lived it.  JC had taken him there.  This wasn't that.  This was Hell, maybe.  It had to be.  Hell couldn't hurt him any more than he was hurt already.  There was nothing worse than this.

        JC's words were gone.  He didn't know when they'd stopped echoing.  They couldn't echo anymore, because there was nothing for them to bounce off of.  There was nothing.  Nothing.  Nothing.

        He felt like he was screaming.  Screaming and screaming and screaming inside.

        Screaming for JC.

        He'd thought he'd been in pain before.  He'd thought he'd felt loss before.  Those had been quick flutters.  This was a split-second steamroller that had hit him before he'd had time to blink.

        And now he was dead, and the void was so complete, he knew he'd never exist again.

        “Yeah,” Nick said.

        “You, uh, you look like you’ve been crying.”

        “Grown men don’t cry,” Nick said.

        “They do sometimes.”

        Nick gave him a skeptical look.  “Now you’re going to tell me that you cry.”

        “No, I don’t cry.  But it’s okay to.”

        “It’s okay to do it, you just never do it yourself.”

        “Right.”

        “You’re full of shit.”

        98 Nick smiled.  “Maybe.  So, you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

        “Nothing’s wrong.  JC’s fucked up and Brian’s putting the verbal smack down.  It’s fucked up when you say you love someone so much you’d literally do anything for him, but the things you’re willing to do and even planning to do would scar him for life.  JC can’t say he’s doing things for Justin when they’re things Justin would never want him to do.  Really, JC’s doing things for himself.  It’s like, screw Justin, here’s what I want, but he’s using Justin as an excuse, to justify it.  That’s fucked up.”

        “What’s JC planning on doing?” Nick asked, a little worried.

        “Have you ever thought about committing suicide?”

        “Once.”

        “Over what?”

        “Jeff.  When he got shot.”

        “You-”

        “I know.”  Nick put his hand on Nick’s arm.  “I know.”  He rubbed slightly and gave a slight squeeze.  “We talked about it.  He pinned me down and made me promise not to, ever, not for him or anyone else.”

        “If you ever do that, I am going to march right into Hell and drag you out and make you look Drew and your mother right in the face, and then I’m dragging you the whole way up to Heaven so you explain yourself to Jeff and see how impressed he is.  Suicide is a great big fuck you to everyone who ever cared about you, and even if that is the message you want to send, it’s a fucking damned lousy one.  It’s the coward’s way out, and I know you, and you are not a coward.”

        Nick hugged him.  “It’s okay, Nick.  JC won’t do it.  He can’t leave Justin.”  It flickered through Nick’s brain that he wanted to see Nick hug someone like Kevin sometime, so he could find out if Nick hugged everyone this way, or only people he’d had sex with.  Surely Nick didn’t nestle up to everyone’s groin like this.  “Why are you assuming I’d go to Hell?”

        Nick pulled back from Nick’s embrace, but remained standing closer than he had before.  “Everyone who commits suicide does.  You think God’s going to feel sorry for you and let you into Heaven?”

        Nick wanted to touch on something, but he knew he had to do it gingerly.  He wished Jeff were here.  “I know you’ve thought about it.”

        “Hell?”

        “Suicide.”

        Nick looked down.  “Yeah.  I...I’ve thought about it.  When Brian left.  When Drew got shot.  In Kendig.  I’m not, I’m not afraid of dying.  I’m afraid of Brian and Drew and you and Jeff and the fellas and JC and Justin and everybody dying.  But I didn’t, I didn’t want to do it, because...  As long as one of those people, Brian or Drew or one of the fellas or you or Jeff or JC or maybe even Justin on a good day and even Justin J., as long as one of those people is still alive, I want to be alive, too.  I don’t want to miss, on purpose, deliberately and forever, one day of Brian, one day of Drew, one day of Howie’s patience and Kevin’s impatience and AJ’s cool attitude and your idiocy and Jeff’s understanding and JC being a princess and Justin being a jackass and Justin J. being the only one with a brain.  I can’t say fuck the world and eat lead on Tuesday if on Wednesday AJ might call and ask me out for a drive.  I can’t leave this world while even one of you is still in it.  And once all of you are gone, I’m going to be one of the only people left who knew you this well and loved you this much, and then I really can’t go, because if I go, you’re all really gone, for good.”  He stopped talking.  “I thought you didn’t cry.”

        “Shut up,” Nick said.  “Get me a tissue.”

        Nick raised his arm.

        Nick wiped his eyes on Nick’s shirt sleeve.

        “It kind of sucks that JC thinks Justin is the only thing worth living for.”

        98 Nick sniffed.  “Maybe he thinks that Justin is the only thing worth dying for.”

        “Maybe he’s just fucked up and needs to get a fucking grip.”

        “That would be my diagnosis, too.”

        Nick ran his fingers through Nick’s hair.  “Do you want your Sunday dress to be pink or purple?”

        “What?”

        “Now that you cried for the first time in your entire life, obviously you’re a girl.”

        “I am not a girl.  I wasn’t crying, either.”

        “So your eyelashes were sweating?”

        “Yes.”

        “Interesting.”

        “I love you.”

        Nick looked confused, briefly, not at the words themselves but at how to take them, whether to accept them, whether he deserved them, whether they were truly meant, whether they might only mean pain in the end.

        Nick’s first instinct was to kiss Nick, on the mouth, on the cheek, but he couldn’t with Brian’s displeasure between them.  He skimmed his thumb along Nick’s chin, knowing that his eyes told too much.  “I would be honored to stay in this world with you.”

        Nick closed his eyes.

        Nick withdrew his hand.

        “I can’t help it,” Nick said, and when his eyes opened, they looked confused, angry.  “I can’t stop it.  I want to give you sex to thank you for being nice to me.  It’s the only way I know to respond to you that feels right.  And it’s not right, I know it’s not right, it's not what I want, it's fucked up.”

        “Don’t give me sex,” Nick said.  “You don’t have to touch me at all, that’s not why I said it.  If you love me, and you want to say it back, you can say, ‘I love you.’  You can say, ‘Thank you.’  You can say, ‘What’s your favorite Will Smith movie?’  You don’t have to say anything, you can just look at me or walk away.  Or you can tell me you’re uncomfortable with my affection, and ask me to back off.”

        “Men in Black,” Nick said.  He shook off his pain.  “I liked the aliens playing marbles at the end.  Sometimes that’s what the world feels like.”

        He didn't like it, at all, when Nick feigned cool and pretended that everything was all right again, but he didn't know how to stop it.  He wasn't good at confronting Nick without causing more problems.  So he let Nick get away with it.  He watched Nick put on a good show, and he watched Nick pretend to smile, and he watched Nick walk away.

        If JC was gone, everything was gone, and Justin didn't want anything to be.  Whatever else existed, had to go.

        The second he tensed to fight it, was the second he knew what it was.

        It was JC.  His memory of JC.  His memory of JC's touch.  JC's presence, JC's embrace.  JC was here with him in his mind.

        He clung to his imagined JC.  He was wrapped in JC's embrace, and JC was here with him, and he would never move again.

        This was how he’d spent half of his life.  Probably lost, not caring about it.  Deciding what he wanted, taking at will, going with what was fun, enjoying what felt good, avoiding what hurt.

        He’d found Lance, and that had felt good, that had felt deep-down damned good, so he’d stayed.  Then it had started to hurt, so he’d left.

        According to self-righteous but well-trusted sources, namely Brian, AJ was immature.  He needed to grow up, to learn personal responsibility, to understand what it meant to be an adult in every aspect of his life.  Relationships took work, sometimes love hurt, he had to face his decisions and admit when he’d made bad choices.

        AJ knew that love hurt.  That was why he kept running from it.  He didn’t want to get hurt, and he didn’t want to cause hurt.  If no pain meant no love, then he’d skip love.

        Except he had been hurt, and he’d caused deep pain, and some things couldn’t be taken back.  He’d hurt Lance, badly.  He’d hurt Kevin, badly.  He’d fucked himself over.

        It was time to stop running.  It was time to face the pain.  It was time to look his regrets right in the eye.  It was time to be hurt again.  He knew that he deserved it.

        Brian, now that he’d given JC something to think about, was giving them space.  Joey and Chris huddled together on the sofa.  If asked, they would have explained that they were sitting that close for privacy and so JC and Justin wouldn’t overhear; but in fact, it was because they were scared shitless, and they needed the comfort.  Joey’s arm was supposed to be on the back of the sofa, but it had gradually lowered onto Chris’s shoulders, and Chris hadn’t said a word.

        “He needs therapy,” Joey said.  “He needs help.”

        “Talking to a psychologist every Thursday afternoon is not going to help JC,” Chris said.  “He needs a straitjacket and a serious head cleaning.”

        Joey looked up.  Lance was coming through the bus.  Chris scooted back, making room, and Lance sat in the scant space between them, heels on the cushion, knees under his chin.  “What are we going to do?”

        “Institutionalize JC,” Chris said.

        “We can’t do that,” Joey said.

        Lance leaned his head back, resting his neck in the crook of Joey’s arm, the same spot on his body where Joey had left a mark of need and sex.  “It has to be something drastic.”

        “I don’t think medication would help,” Joey said.

        “Tranquilizers, maybe,” Chris said.  “No, he doesn’t need drugs, he needs a brain readjustment.  A therapeutic kick in the head.  Something big enough that he’ll have to look at things differently.”

        “We can’t break up,” Joey said.

        “No,” Chris said.

        “We can’t break up *NSYNC,” Lance said, “but we could break up JC and Justin.”

        “What?” Joey asked.

        “Take Justin away from him,” Lance said.

        “Wouldn’t that be the thing that would cause the thing we’re trying to avoid?” Chris asked.

        “Why...why are you suggesting that?” Joey asked Lance.

        “Because it’s the only thing that’s drastic enough to make a lasting difference in the way he sees things,” Lance said.  “It wouldn’t have to be forever.”

        “We can’t kidnap Justin,” Joey said.

        “Justin would do it,” Lance said.  “He heard everything we heard.  If it keeps JC healthy, if it keeps JC alive, Justin will do it.”

        “Are we talking about the same Justin who couldn’t spend an entire night at your house without JC?” Chris asked.

        “We have to try something else,” Joey said.

        “There is nothing else,” Lance said.

        “And who’s going to be JC’s personal shrink while he’s separated from Justin?” Chris asked.  “You?”

        Lance turned his head and looked at Chris.

        There had been one too many hard truths today.  Chris couldn’t take another one.  He backed away from the challenge in Lance’s eyes.

        “Brian,” Lance said, finally.  “Someone licensed, later, but right now, JC’s too raw and intense.  If anyone else got a hint of what he’s going through, it would be all over the press.  Brian can do it.  He has what it takes.”

        “You’re going to take JC away from the only thing that’s keeping him alive, and hand him over to the experienced care of Brian Littrell?” Chris asked.

        “Justin is not keeping JC alive,” Lance said.  “Justin is killing him.”

        Joey swallowed.

        “Are you listening to this?” Chris asked Joey.  “Stop listening to this!  We are not separating JC and Justin.  Do you want to be the one to tell Justin we’re splitting him up from JC because he’s killing JC?  Do you want to be the one to tell JC that we’re taking Justin away from him?  I will not look in Justin’s eyes and tell him that he is killing JC, I won’t.  That’s bullshit, and it’s going to cause more damage than there already is.  And for what, so JC can get psychological help from a Backstreet Boy?!”

        “Do you have a better idea?” Lance demanded.

        “We have to do something,” Joey said.

        “We aren’t doing anything until we have a better plan,” Chris ordered.

        “Why don’t we ask Justin and see what he thinks?” Lance asked.

        Chris barely kept “Why don’t you fuck yourself?!” from escaping his lips.  “No.  No.  The very idea of it is going to make Justin question and wonder, and even if he doesn’t try to do it, he’ll suffer from the suspicion that maybe he should, and that will hurt him, which will also hurt JC.  And if he goes for it, if he does try it...”

        “JC didn’t kill himself,” Lance said.  “He had the reason and the means, and he didn’t do it.”

        “That doesn’t mean he won’t,” Chris said.

        “He thought that Justin wanted him dead.  When he thinks Justin wants sex, he gives Justin sex.  When he thinks Justin wants chicken, he gets Justin chicken.  When Justin wanted him to get a tattoo, he got a tattoo.  JC does everything Justin wants.  He does everything he thinks Justin might want.  In his head, Justin wanted him dead.  He got a gun.  You can’t tell me that he wasn’t ready to kill himself.  But he didn’t do it.  In the perfect situation, under the best circumstances, he didn’t do it.  That means he won’t.  He’s very disturbed, and he needs help.  I’m as afraid for him as you are.  But he’s not going to kill himself, or he would have done it already.”

        “No,” Chris said.  “You heard what I heard today.  He’s capable of it.  It’s almost like a part of him wants to.”

        “A part of him wants to because Justin causes him too much pain,” Lance said.

        “It is not Justin’s fault!” Chris said.  “It’s JC and whatever’s in his head.  It’s not Justin’s fault.”

        “We’ll accept that JC damaged Justin’s psyche, but we can’t blame Justin for anything that’s twisted in JC’s head?” Lance asked.

        “We are not doing this,” Chris said.  “We are not parting them.  That would be like cutting off my legs at the hip because you think it’ll make me walk better.”

        “That is ridiculous,” Lance said.  “You won’t even consider what I’m saying.”

        “I won’t consider it because I know why you’re saying it,” Chris said.

        “I’m saying it because I love JC and I want him to be healthy.  I want him to be happy.  Either Justin’s destroying him or he’s destroying himself or both, we could debate it for days, but the point is that he needs to be separated from Justin, for a time, if he’s ever going to be healthy again.”

        “You love JC,” Chris said.

        “I love JC,” Lance said.

        “I love JC,” Chris said.  “I love Justin, too.  Do you?”

        Lance’s jaw tightened.  “I love Justin.  Don’t ever question that.  I love Justin, and I am his best friend, I’m as close to him as you are.  What JC is going through is no better for Justin than it is for JC.  If we help JC we help Justin, period.  That’s all there is to it.”

        “We have to do something else,” Chris said.  “We can’t do it this way.”

        “We don’t have any other way,” Lance said.

        “We’ll think of something.  We’ll ask Saint Brian for ideas.”

        “How long will it take before we think of something?” Lance asked.  “How long are you willing to let JC and Justin suffer and destroy each other?”

        “Don’t put this on me,” Chris said.  “We all knew how things stood, and we all pretended not to see.”

        “When we go home,” Joey said.  Chris and Lance turned to him.  “When we go home, and JC’s working on the Sentimental Fools.  You and Brian will be here with JC.  Lance and I can take Justin away for a few days.  A trial basis.”

        “No,” Chris said.  “How are we going to get Justin to agree to leave JC?  We’re coming off the tour; he’s going to want to be at home, be with JC-”

        “We won’t tell him it’s for a few days.  We’ll ask him to come to lunch with us, and then just keep driving,” Lance said.  “That way they can’t work it up into some big drama in their heads, and they won’t refuse.”

        “Kidnap Justin,” Chris said.

        “Yes,” Lance said.  “Joey and I will take him somewhere, we can rent a house or something.  You’ll stay with JC and Brian, and keep JC’s focus on two things: the Sentimental Fools, and therapy.”

        “You think that JC is going to be able to keep it together long enough to make an album?” Chris asked.  “Twenty-four hours after Justin leaves his sight, he’s going to be uncontrollable.  And the two of you, when Justin feels that his connection to JC is being threatened by absence, he’s going to start fighting.  Physically fighting.  You know how hard he is to contain.”

        “What about Nick?” Joey asked.

        “What about Nick?” Lance asked.

        “He’s JC’s best friend outside of us, and he’s probably Justin’s, too.  We could ask him to help us.”

        “He’s away from Brian to be with Drew,” Chris said.  “He won’t leave Brian and Drew to take part in the latest Timberlake Chasez psychodrama.”

        “We could at least ask him,” Joey said.  “Whatever he said to JC today, he hit spots I wouldn’t know how to get to.  If Brian’s going to work with JC, it would be good to have Nick with Justin.”

        Lance nodded.

        “No,” Chris said.  “You don’t know the people we’re talking about.  JC won’t do it, Justin won’t do it, and Nick won’t do it.  JC and Justin will never spend twenty-four hours apart, and Nick isn’t going to leave both Brian and Drew to baby-sit Justin!”

        “What are you so upset about?” Lance asked.  “We’re leaving you behind with JC, so you’ll get to play housewife with Howie all you like.”

        “I am nobody’s housewife,” Chris said.  “I’d like to know what you’re going to say to Justin while he’s at his most vulnerable away from JC.”

        “I’m going to tell him what he needs to hear,” Lance said.

        “What you think he needs to hear,” Chris said.  “In other words, what you want to tell him.”

        “What I told him a few weeks ago made a difference,” Lance said.

        “You bruised him and JC bitched you out,” Chris said.

        “Maybe we should put you in charge, then,” Lance said.  “You’ve had great success helping JC and Justin’s mental states in the past.  Why don’t you go with an old classic?  Go ahead, Chris, walk up to Justin and tell him JC’s dead.  Better yet, go to JC and tell him Justin’s dead.  Let’s see how that goes.”

        “Asshole,” Chris said.

        “Guys,” Joey said.  “We’re trying to help JC and Justin.”

        “Is that what we’re trying to do?” Chris asked Lance.  “Is that what you’re trying to do?”

        “Yes,” Lance said.

        “Your idea is to separate JC and Justin, and have Brian show JC the way to mental health,” Joey said.

        “Yes,” Lance said.

        “And your idea is...”

        “Anything else,” Chris said.  “Therapy.”

        “JC is going to have to be away from Justin for any therapy to work,” Lance said.  “If they learn that they can live without each other, it'll change the whole dynamic of their relationship.  The way it is now, they trap each other in cycles of need.”

        “That’s true,” Joey said.

        “Stop listening to him!” Chris said.

        “It makes sense,” Joey said.  He couldn’t help it.

        “Let’s ask Brian if he’s willing to invest that much emotional energy into something this difficult,” Lance said.

        “I hope he says no,” Chris muttered.