WANNABES

"Wannabes" are scenes that originally were written for "Sucker" but were deleted or rewritten along the way, shown here in their original form.

Since these scenes are not part of "Sucker" and were in fact deliberately removed from "Sucker," please do not take any of the plot points or expressed opinions as actual "Sucker" canon.  Whatever the guys say or think here in these scenes is irrelevant to the overall "Sucker" plot.
 

"Sucker" (copyright 2002-2006 by Matthew Haldeman-Time) is rated NC-17 for graphic male-male sex. The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and O-Town are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

1.) Erik, Howie, JC, AJ, Ashley, Chris, Trevor ("Sucker" 58)
This storyline was changed in several ways. The plot changed, the tone changed, the timing changed - - some ideas made it into "Sucker" and some didn't. I ended up scrapping nineteen pages of text and trying to salvage what I could.

            Erik jotted down a few notes.  “I’ve never romanced someone like this.”

            “JC deserves only the best,” Howie said.  “He should be indulged.  He should be spoiled.  He should be treated like he’s as beautiful and special as he is.”

            Erik’s phone rang.  “Shit.  Hello?”  He gave Howie a tight, brief smile.  “Sorry, I didn’t know what time it was.  No, I - - yeah, I - - yes!  Jacob, yes!  God, get off my ass!  I’ll be right there!  I’m on my way right now!”  He hung up.  “Damn it.”

            “I’m sorry,” Howie said.  “I should-”

            “No, it’s not your fault,” Erik said.  “It’s mine, it’s totally mine.  Look, I have to go.  You, write down anything else you come up with.  I’ll take care of phase one today.”  He tucked his notes into his pocket and kissed Howie.

            Howie caught him and tugged him back for a second kiss.  “Are you all right?  You were so upset yesterday, I-”

            “No, it’s okay,” Erik said.  He tried to smile.  “Don’t worry about it.”

            “JC and I didn’t want to make your life harder,” Howie said, caressing Erik’s cheek.  “We care about you so much, Erik-Michael, you know that.  We’re selfish, we don’t want to let you go.  But we would never want to force you to stay in our lives if you thought that you’d be happier without us.”

            “No,” Erik said.  “No, it’s not, don’t…”  He sighed, closing his eyes.  Howie embraced him.  “God, I don’t know why this is so hard,” Erik said, wrapping his arms around Howie and resting his forehead on Howie’s shoulder.  “But you’re right, I can’t let everyone else judge me and make me doubt myself and push me away from you.”

            “No one understands,” Howie said.  “Not your friends, not my friends, not JC’s friends.  There’s no point in explaining yourself to someone who won’t understand anyway.  That just gives them the idea that they can tell you what to do.”

            “I don’t always think that I understand it,” Erik confessed.  “But I can’t give it up.”

            After another fight and another bad rehearsal, Erik looked forward to leaving the house.  He showered thoroughly, put on some decent clothes, and added a little cologne.

            Time to go play matchmaker.

            JC couldn’t get it out of his head.  Nick, idly rubbing his fingers back and forth over Joey’s knee, casually describing the way he’d made Ashley beg for it.  The idea of that vapid bitch spread naked under Nick’s body, writhing and pleading and - - JC rubbed at his eyes, trying not to scream.

            He wanted to yell, lash out, tear apart the room, but that would only damage his house and his psyche.  Self-destruction wasn’t the answer.  Howie was right; he had to focus his rage outward.  On Ashley, and on Erik, by proxy.

            When he thought of Ashley, and hatred and scorn and fury welled up inside, he turned those emotions onto Erik.  When he whispered, “That little bitch,” he pictured Erik in his mind.  When he thought of Nick whispering “Angel” and kissing that bitch, he thought of Howie whispering “Erik-Michael” and kissing Erik, and how gutted Lance would be at the sight of it.

            The doorbell rang.

            Welcoming the distraction, JC opened the door.

            It was Erik.

            Erik smiled.  “Special delivery for JC Chasez.”

            A variety of emotions flitted across JC’s face; what remained were bafflement and surprise.  “Honey…  You brought me flowers?” JC asked, backing up and letting him into the house.

            “Yes, I did,” Erik said, stepping inside, closing the door.  “But they’re not from me.”  He wondered what that anger and fear and resistance in JC’s expression had been.  Who had JC expected to see?

            “They’re…  Come over, you can put them down here,” JC said, leading the way to the dining room table.  JC watched Erik set down the bouquet in its heavy vase, distractedly touching his hair, looking oddly floored.

            Erik didn’t know why JC was this thrown by receiving flowers, but he was enjoying it.  “There’s a card.”

            “I…”  JC stared at Erik, bewildered.

            “Are you okay?” Erik asked, amused.

            “Hold on, honey, give me a second to…”  JC closed his eyes, rubbing his forehead, taking a deep breath.  He whispered something to himself; Erik caught a trace of “keep my shit together.”  Then JC dropped his hands, squaring his shoulders, already looking much more focused.  “There’s a card?”

            Erik plucked it from the bouquet, handing it over.

            JC took it from the envelope, flipped it open, and quickly gave it back to Erik.  “Read it for me.”

            “Okay,” Erik said.  He already knew what it said; he’d helped Howie to write it.  “‘There are flowers that make me think of love, romance, and sensuality.  There are flowers that make me think of festivities, happiness, and celebration.  There are flowers that make me think of nature, vivid colors, and the wild.  There are flowers that make me think of calmness, peace, and tranquility.  There are flowers that make me think of warm sunlight, blue skies, and the beauty of life.  You make me think of all of that, and more.  Love, Howie.’”

            Smiling, JC stared at the flowers, putting a hand over his mouth.

            “You liked that?” Erik asked, grinning.

            JC rubbed his fingers over his lips, still smiling, still watching the flowers.  “Yeah.  That was…  That was sweet, that was perfect.”  He shook his head.  “Howie always knows just what to say.”
 

            Erik watched JC stare at the bouquet.  It held several different kinds of flowers, a wide assortment very attractively arranged.  Erik had never been big on flowers, himself, but he loved how moved JC was, and that definitely brought home the appeal of gift-giving.

            “I don’t even know what to do with these,” JC said, lowering his hand with a quick little laugh.  “I don’t usually get flowers.  Not from a lover.  Do they look good here?”

            “They look great here,” Erik said.

            “I can’t believe he did this,” JC said.  “I can’t believe you did this.”  JC blinked, a mystified expression crossing his face.  “What…”  He reached into the bouquet, tugging free a rose in full bloom.  Surprised, JC stared at the golden chain twined around the stem.  “Erik-Michael…”

            “I was hoping you’d notice that,” Erik said.

            Amazed, JC unwound the necklace.  It was of shimmering gold, with a small pendant.  “What is this?”

            “A present from Howie,” Erik said.  “Do you want me to put it on for you?”

            “I can’t believe he did this,” JC said again.

            Taking that as a yes, Erik took the necklace from him, stepping around behind him.  JC reached back, gathering his hair in one hand, lifting it from the back of his neck.  The sight of JC’s exposed nape, so pale, so smooth, was entrancing.  Erik ran fascinated fingertips over it, a gentle caress.

            Every inch of JC was exotic.  Erotic.

            Remembering his task, Erik draped the chain around JC’s neck, fastening it.  He couldn’t resist dropping a quick kiss on JC’s neck before moving around to the front again.

            “This was so sweet and so unexpected,” JC said, gazing at the bouquet, one hand coming to Erik’s shoulder.  “I had no idea.”

            “Howie knows how special you are, and how well you deserve to be treated,” Erik said.

            JC’s gaze turned on him, finally, and Erik saw something there that reminded him that JC was older, and more beautiful, than he was.  “Honey,” JC said, hand moving from his shoulder to his cheek.  “Honey,” and JC kissed him once, twice, a third time.  “Thank you for bringing this to me,” kiss, kiss, kiss, and these soft sweet brushes of mouth to mouth weren’t enough.  Erik claimed JC’s mouth, deepening the kiss with a bold slide of tongue.  When he put his hands on JC’s waist, JC moved closer to his body.

            Kissing JC always made Erik want more, always made his hands greedy and his dick hard.  When JC’s tongue was gently, slowly fucking his mouth and JC’s hands were on his waist, pulling him closer and plucking at his shirt, Erik cupped JC’s ass, encouraging, squeezing.

            JC broke their kiss, breathless and not meeting his eyes.  “Maybe we shouldn’t do this.”

            That didn’t make any sense.  They always did this.  Why would they not, today?  Panting a little, kissing JC’s neck and feeling JC’s fingers dig in just slightly, Erik said, “Howie wants me to make you happy.”

            JC made a sound that was mostly air but part laugh.  “Howie always looks out for me.”

            “We don’t have to do anything,” Erik said, meeting JC’s eyes.  “But it’s important to Howie that all of your needs are met, and if you ever…want something…”  He licked his lips, not sure what else to say.

            Desire flickered across JC’s face before he closed his eyes, lowering his forehead to Erik’s shoulder.  “Honey…”  JC’s hand rubbed over Erik’s hair, and Erik could almost feel JC’s inner struggle.  It wasn’t clear why JC felt conflicted, but clearly, something was going on.

            Wanting to help, but not sure what the actual problem was, Erik stroked JC’s back.  “I know how much Howie wants to make love to you.  He told me, last night.  How incredible it always is.  How much he wants you and how your pleasure means so much more to him than-”

            “God, honey, don’t do this to me,” JC whispered, stroking his neck.  “I miss him, and I miss making love, and I miss the way my body and my heart used to feel.”

            “He’s going through the same thing,” Erik said.  “Making love to you isn’t like making love to anyone else.  I’ve already figured that out, and I haven’t even fucked that many people.”

            JC’s fingers slowed.  His tone was curious.  “You haven’t?”

            “Not like you and Howie,” Erik said.

            JC pulled away from him slightly, smiling.  “How many women have you been with?”

            “I’m not going to give you a number,” Erik said, putting his hands in his pockets.

            “Ten?” JC asked, fingers trailing across his chest.  “Twenty-five?  Eighty?  Three hundred?”

            “Three hundred,” Erik said.  “JC, there aren’t enough hours in the day.”

            JC laughed and kissed him.  “You must be so different with women.”

            “I know what I’m doing with women, more than I do with guys,” Erik admitted.

            An intrigued smile.  JC’s thumb rubbed over his nipple, which made Erik’s skin tingle.  “You must be so confident.  So…masterful.”

            “Masterful?” Erik asked.  “Are you joking?”

            JC laughed, and kissed him.  “I’d love to see you in your element.”
 

            This was getting weird.  “That’s what Howie said.”

            “Really?”  JC was surprised.

            “Yeah.  He said he…”  Well…  “He said he wanted to watch me fuck a girl.  He wanted to see what I was like with women.”

            “I’d love to see that,” JC said, kissing him.  “I’d love to see what you’d do with a woman.”  JC’s hands ran up his chest, over his shoulders.  “You must be so good.  That would be so,” kiss, “hot.”  JC moaned softly, sucking lightly on his lower lip.

            Erik was so turned on by JC’s arousal, he started to grind against him a little.  “You’re so kinky.”

            Laughing, JC kissed him and broke away.  “At least this time you didn’t call me freaky.”

            “You are, though,” Erik said, grinning.

            JC took one long, slow kiss.  “Can you stay for a while?”

            “Yeah,” Erik said.  He didn’t understand the look in JC’s eyes.  He didn’t know what JC wanted from him.  “I can stay.”

            JC sat beside him on the couch.  “I heard about what happened with AJ.  I’m sorry.”

            “It’s okay,” Erik said.  He should have expected JC to bring it up.  Good news traveled fast.

            “I don’t know why he’d do that to you,” JC said.  “He just came into your house and attacked you?”

            “Tried to drown me,” Erik said.

            JC’s eyes widened.  His voice came out wrong.  “What?”

            “No, it’s - - it’s not a big deal,” Erik said.

            “Honey,” JC said with real concern, putting a hand on his wrist, “what happened?”

            “I don’t-”

            “You don’t want to talk about it, I know,” JC said.  “You never want to talk about it.  Have you talked to anyone?”

            “A little,” Erik said.  “I told some of it to Howie.”

            “How much of it?” JC asked, like he already knew the answer.

            Erik sighed.  “Five percent of it.  JC, I don’t want to talk about it.  Nothing happened, it’s not even that big of a thing.  AJ showed up out of nowhere, he said a bunch of…crazy shit and left.”

            “You said that he almost drowned you,” JC said.

            “I’m fine,” Erik said.  “Don’t I look fine?”
 

            “Erik-Michael, I…”  JC winced, glancing away.  “I’d really like to know what happened,” he said, but Erik was almost positive that JC had been about to say something entirely different.  “Please, I know that you’d rather keep it all to yourself, but humor me.”

            Erik wondered how much he’d have to tell.

            Erik cleared his throat.

            JC watched him with complete attention.

            He described how he’d been in the kitchen, and AJ had taken him by surprise.  He described being grabbed from behind and slammed forward over the counter, AJ right behind him, practically climbing up onto him, hissing and growling in his ear.

            He told JC what AJ had said to him.  The accusations.  The threats.  The insinuations.

            He described how he’d broken free and turned around.

            He and AJ had fought.  Struggled.  Then…

            Erik took a deep breath.

            AJ was out of his fucking mind, and dangerous.

            The things that AJ had said to him had been like poison in his ears, like knives in his brain.  AJ had pushed and pulled and even dragged him towards the pool.  He hadn’t wanted to go there, because their fight would attract Jacob’s attention, and he hadn’t wanted anyone to hear what AJ was saying to him.  On the other hand, he’d become increasingly aware that he was, so to speak, in over his head, and maybe someone else showing up would be able to help.

            AJ had shoved him into the pool.  He’d come up sputtering, and AJ had been right there, in his face, kneeling at the edge, gripping the front of his shirt.

            He told JC what AJ had said to him.

            The color drained from JC’s face.

            AJ had pushed him under.  Held him there.  He’d struggled, tried to rise, tried to swim away, clawed at AJ’s hands.  Then, suddenly, there had been air, blessed air, and then the water had closed over his head again, and he’d thought that he might die, that AJ might kill him.  He struggled harder, he fought, and when AJ let him up again he screamed, almost catching AJ’s face with his fingernails, but then he was under again…

            And then AJ had disappeared, and Erik had burst up for air, and Ashley and Jacob had been there.

            Erik told the story as directly and matter-of-factly as he could.  He didn’t dramatize it for effect, and he didn’t make any attempt at rousing pity.  He didn’t want JC to feel sorry for him.  What had happened, had happened.  It was over, and he couldn’t do anything about it now.

            “Oh, god,” JC said, reaching for him.  “Oh, my god.”  The fingers caressing Erik’s face trembled.  “Erik-Michael.”

            “I’m okay,” Erik reminded him, a little worried about JC now.  “It’s okay.”

            “Oh, god,” JC said again, and embraced him.  “I can’t believe he did that.  I can’t believe he did that.”

            “It’s okay,” Erik repeated.  “He’s out of his mind.  Howie said that AJ doesn’t know what he’s talking about, and Howie won’t let me leave you guys.”

            “I can’t believe he did that to you,” JC whispered.  “That never should have happened.  AJ went too far.”

            “If you’re worried about anybody, you should be worried about Justin,” Erik said.  “Dan said they’re back together.”

            JC’s embrace tightened.

            Erik curled his fingers in JC’s hair.

            “AJ would never do that to Justin.  And Justin can take care of himself,” JC said.  “I know he can.”
 

            “So can I,” Erik said.

            “I hope so, honey.”  JC’s voice was soft.  “I hope so.”

            Erik ran his fingers down JC’s new necklace.  “Can I tell Howie that you like the flowers?”

            JC smiled.  “Yes.  You can tell him that.”

            “Is there anything else that I should say?” Erik asked.  “Anything I should do?”

            “You can thank him for me,” JC said.

            Erik grinned.  “How would you thank him, if you thanked him yourself?”

            JC smiled and blushed.  “I’d say ‘thank you,’ and then I’d make love with him.”

            Erik wondered what that was like.

            “I’m usually very…controlling, in bed,” JC said.  “But I don’t have to be that way with Howie.  It’s easier to let go with him, to let him be in charge.”  He looked like he’d just realized something.  “I’m more relaxed with you, too.  Maybe because most of the time I’m with you, Howie’s around, so I respond to you the way I’d respond to him.”  JC looked a little unsettled.

            “How can you be controlling if you’re…”  Erik decided not to finish that sentence.  He wasn’t sure which terms JC would want him to use.

            “You can go ahead and call it ‘bottoming,’ honey,” JC said, amused.  “Saying it won’t make you do it.”

            “No, I,” shit.

            “It’s all about attitude,” JC said.  “I’m always better at sex than my partner is, so I dictate the action.  I don’t see the point in letting someone else run the show if I know more about what should be happening than he does.  I know what I like, and I expect to get it.”

            “Damn,” Erik said, impressed.  He loved this side of JC.  “I’m so intimidated I don’t want to do you ever again.  And that makes me want you more than ever.”

            JC laughed.  “Don’t be intimidated.”

            “I know I’m not Howie, but am I learning?” Erik asked.  “Am I getting better at giving you what you want?”

            “You’re very good,” JC said.  “You’re different from any lover I’ve ever had.  There’s an innocence to you, and youthful energy.”

            Erik narrowed his eyes.  “Does that mean that I’m inexperienced and clumsy?”

            Another laugh.  JC rubbed his forearm.  “No, honey, that means that you aren’t trying to be slick and trying to professional and fucking me like you’re putting on a show.  You honestly enjoy me, and you let me know that, and I appreciate it.  I love feeling you inside me.”
 

            “You’re the sexiest person I’ve ever seen,” Erik said.  “I’m dead serious, you’re wild, I’ve never met anyone like you.”

            JC kissed him.  Possessed his mouth with slow sensuality.  “I want you,” JC whispered, and kissed him again.  “You don’t know how much I want you.”

            Kissing had become making out, and making out had turned into Erik on his knees in front of the couch, licking JC’s erection.  Sucking on it, Erik heard a groan, JC’s hand on the back of his head, JC’s foot propped on his shoulder.

            JC was rock-hard in his mouth, and the increasing volume of JC’s moans, the subtle rocking of JC’s hips, told Erik that JC was closing in on orgasm.  But this wasn’t just about getting JC off, it was about providing deeper pleasure, about giving JC what JC really needed.

            Erik paused for a second to get his fingers wet with spit and pre-cum.  As he went back to JC’s dick, head bobbing, making JC groan, he rubbed two fingers over JC’s asshole.

            JC bucked slightly, and Erik knew he’d been right.  Slowly, gently, he pushed one finger in.

            “Oh, oh, honey,” JC said, and jerked like he didn’t know which way to move.  “Erik-Michael, I, oh…”  He pulled his knee to his chest, moaning.  “Deeper, more, baby, don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t - - oh, oh, god, yes…”  Panting, JC dug his fingers into Erik’s scalp, which kind of hurt.  “More, more, yes, yes, oh, god…”  When Erik eased in a second finger, JC twisted, coming with a sharp cry, moaning like he hadn’t known orgasm could hit that suddenly.

            After a final suck, Erik sat back on his heels, slowly withdrawing his fingers.  He lowered JC’s feet to the floor, gently rubbing JC’s thigh.

            “Mmm.”  JC slid down from the sofa and onto Erik’s lap, leaning back with a graceful stretch.  He was naked from the waist down, and when Erik reached under his T-shirt and stroked his stomach, he smiled lazily, moving in for a kiss.  “I love the way you touch me,” JC murmured, caressing his neck and kissing him again.  “I could live off your fingers.”

            Damn.  Did compliments get better than that?

            “I’d love to feel your tongue.”

            Whoa.  Whoa, whoa.  Erik stared.

            JC’s eyes opened.  “What?”

            “You want to what?” Erik asked.

            “I what?” JC asked.

            “You want to feel my tongue?” Erik asked.  He had to continue on to the next question.  “Where?”

            The expression on JC’s was almost a smile.  He tapped Erik’s mouth.  “Where do you think?”

            Erik blinked.  “Does Howie lick you there?”

            “Honey, if Howie didn’t rim me, we wouldn’t be together.”

            Wow.  Um…  “That’s kind of a sick place to put your mouth.”  Oh, hell, he really shouldn’t have said that.  “I didn’t - - I just meant-”

            “I know what you meant,” JC said, like it didn’t bother him, but it did, and Erik could tell.  “It’s okay.”

            “It’s nothing personal,” Erik said.  “If I ever did that to anybody, it’d be you, but…  I just, I can’t do that.”
 

            JC began to rise.  “You aren’t ready to push your sexuality beyond certain limits, and I understand that.”

            “Hey.”  Erik pulled JC back down into his lap.  “You know I want you.  You know I’d give you anything.  I just…”
 

            “‘Anything’ doesn’t mean what it used to mean,” JC said.  His tone was more distant, more tense than Erik was used to hearing from him.

            He already wouldn’t let Howie fuck him.  If he held back on too many other counts, they might start to add up, and that might not go over well.  “Is this something you really need?”

            “No,” JC said.  “It’s not something that I need, it’s just something that I want.”

            Erik hesitated.  He didn’t want to promise anything.  And it really sounded kind of gross.  But JC seemed clean, and Howie did it.  “I’d love to see Howie do that to you.”

            JC smiled.  “It feels fantastic.”

            “Maybe, when the two of you are tight again, you can show me how to do it.”

            “Yeah?” JC asked, lightly rubbing his chest.

            “Yeah.”

            “I know it’ll feel amazing,” JC said.  “You have such great instincts.”

            “Have you ever done that?” Erik asked.

            “Rimmed someone?” JC asked.  “I have.”

            “Not Howie?”

            “No, not Howie,” JC said.  “He doesn’t like much attention there.”

            “But you love it,” Erik said.  Apparently not all gay men were created equal.

            JC sighed like he was happy, leaning back against the sofa again.  Erik rubbed his thighs.  “You can’t imagine what it feels like,” JC said.  “It’s like being opened into yourself.  It’s like being shredded by ecstasy.  Spike after spike and burst after burst and blossom after blossom of pleasure that just gets more and more intense until you’re burning from the inside out and you can feel it, you’re so close to it, it’s so close but you want this to go on forever.  And you’re being entered, you’re being filled up, he’s right there inside you.  I can’t even describe what that’s like, having someone you love be deep inside your own body.  It feels so miraculous and so profound, and it’s like you were created for this, like you were made to lock into each other this way.”

            Erik wanted that.  Erik wanted that, and wanting it terrified him.

            “Your body is capable of ecstasy you’ve never even known,” JC said.  “How can you ignore that?”

            He didn’t know what to say.

            JC’s gaze softened.  Gentle fingers touched Erik’s chin.  “Howie will give it to you, when you’re ready.”

            Erik didn’t know what to say.  He couldn’t let JC think that he wanted that, he couldn’t - - he wasn’t gay, he wasn’t a bottom, he’d never let anyone do that to him.

            JC looked at him.

            Erik knew that JC knew what he was thinking.

            “If the thought of it is that bad,” JC said, “what do you think of me?”

            No, no, “That’s not fair,” Erik said.  “You can’t-”

            “What do you think of Trevor?” JC asked.  “What do you think of Ashley?  What do you think of me?  What do you think of me when I’m under you and you’re in me and you’re getting what you came for?  What do you think of me when I’m not around?”

            “That’s not fair,” Erik insisted, his hands on JC’s hips keeping JC there.  “You know how I feel about you, you know how much respect I have for you.  I love Trevor, I love Ashley.  I’m in awe of you, JC, I always have been, that’s never gone away.  I don’t want that for myself because,” how could he explain it, “I have different expectations for myself.  That’s not part of how I see myself.”

            “Then how do you see me?” JC demanded.

            “I see you as beautiful, and perfect, and sexy, and amazing,” Erik said.  “You know I do.”

            JC put one of his hands over Erik’s.  “I’m not mad, and I’m not offended.  I’m just frustrated.  There are things that could bring us all closer, ways that we could all share ourselves with each other, and you won’t even try them.  You’ll barely even consider them.  Do you know how much it would mean to me and Howie if you’d let us explore these things with you?  There’s all of this ecstasy trapped inside of you that you refuse to let out.”

            “My sex life is already, damn, it blows my mind,” Erik said.  “I don’t think that I could handle more.”

            They kissed good-bye for a long time by the door.  Every time Erik thought that maybe it was time to go, JC would pull him in again.  Each time that JC backed off slightly, Erik stole just one more kiss.

            Erik was horny, because he hadn’t come when JC had.  He didn’t know what JC’s excuse was.

            Finally, they whispered good-bye, and JC murmured another thank you for the flowers and necklace, and Erik kissed him again, and left.

            Getting in his car, taking several deep breaths in a vain attempt to cool his blood, Erik called Howie.

            No answer.

            Maybe he’d just go home.

            And masturbate or something.  Damn.

            AJ opened his front door.  “JC?”  Interesting.

            “I should have called first,” JC said.  “I have to talk to you about Erik.”

            “Come on in,” AJ said, taking JC into the living room and sitting.  “What can I do for you?”

            “How’s Justin?” JC asked, sitting beside him.

            “He’s fine,” AJ said.  “He’s pissed at me for taking Dan away from him, but he’ll get over it.  How’s Estrada?”  JC had never visited him one-on-one before.  He was intrigued.

            “He told me what happened yesterday.  What you did to him.”

            JC faced AJ calmly, but there was something tense about the way he’d clasped his hands together in his lap.  AJ understood what was going on, and barely kept from smiling.  He hadn’t expected JC to come straight to him.  It was a bold move for a trauma survivor.  “I had to do something,” AJ said.  “Dan broke our agreement, and I had to retaliate.  Erik seemed like the best target.”
 

            “He said that you tried to drown him.”  JC hesitated over those last two words, then hurried on past them.  “I wanted to ask you - - I don’t know what the limits are.  Have the five of you set limits?  I assumed that there were lengths we wouldn’t go to-”

            “He wasn’t in danger,” AJ said.  “JC, we’re putting them through psychological hell.  Emotional torture.  I wouldn’t cause permanent physical damage to anyone.”

            “I know that you wouldn’t actually kill someone, but-”

            “JC, Estrada’s fine.  I don’t know how he described it to you, but I can tell you how under control the entire situation was from my end.  He was scared and he panicked, I felt that, but I was calm, and I counted the seconds.  I let him up, and he got in some good air before I put him under again.”

            “Then there are…limits,” JC said.

            “There are a lot of limits,” AJ said.  “The thing about this game is, we know that it’s a game.  They don’t, so they’re going to judge everything from their perspective.  From his view, he was in danger.  From my side of it, I was in control, I knew what I was doing, and he was safe the whole time.  I could have pulled a knife on him, but I didn’t, because I couldn’t have controlled that situation.  Do you see the difference?”
 

            “I see the difference,” JC said, and looked away, gathering his thoughts.

            “We can get destructive to property,” AJ said.  “We hurt feelings.  I’ll do a lot of shit to Dan, but I won’t break his arm.  Anything that’s serious enough to need a doctor is totally out.  What Justin did to Jacob, that’s out of line.  I never would have let that happen if I’d been there.  Neither would any of the other guys.”

            “No broken bones?” JC asked, like he wanted more information.

            “No broken bones,” AJ said.  “No serious weapons.  It’s all about control.  You have to learn which situations you can control and which ones you can’t.  You have to learn which people can be controlled in which ways.  I can have Joey under complete control in a second.  I can control Justin the majority of the time, because I’ve learned what his buttons are.  I can only control Dan half of the time, because he’s still learning who I am and what the consequences are.  I had things with Erik all planned out before I got there.  There were a lot of variables I had to account for, like where he might be in the house when I showed up, or who else might be around.  I had to be flexible.  But as long as he was in the pool and I wasn’t, as long as I had him scared, I controlled that situation, and he was perfectly safe.”

            JC took in everything, absorbing this new information.  He did his best not to react to the mention of Joey and Justin, and AJ gave him credit for sucking it up.

            “Is that from Howie?” AJ asked, lifting the pendant from JC’s chest.  It was about time to change the subject.

            JC looked surprised.  “Yeah.  How did you know?”

            “He told me he was sending Erik over with flowers and a necklace.  You said you’d talked to Erik, so I assumed he’d made the delivery.”  AJ released the necklace, meeting JC’s eyes.  “I like it.”

            JC smiled a little.  “Thanks.”

            “I guess if that hadn’t been from Howie, I would’ve just ruined the surprise,” AJ said.  “Were you surprised?”
 

            “Oh, yeah,” JC said.  “I had no idea.  The flowers are…huge.  They’re great, but that’s a big bouquet.”

            AJ grinned.  “Howie’s such a romantic.”

            “He’s very…unique,” JC said, like he wasn’t sure what he wanted to say.

            “D.’s special,” AJ said.  Time to wrap things up.  “Are you okay with what happened with Erik?”

            “Yeah,” JC said, and he almost sounded convincing.  “I just wanted to ask you about how far things went, in your opinion.  I would have just called, but I’m on my way somewhere, and I thought that while I was out…”

            “That’s fine,” AJ said.  “I’m always open to talking to you, about the game or whatever else is going on.”

            “Thanks,” JC said.  He looked like he hadn’t expected that.

            Briefly, AJ wondered if he should apologize to JC for what he’d done.  He decided against it.  JC had to learn to take it.  “I appreciate you coming to me and giving me a chance to explain what happened.  It isn’t a good idea to take one of their versions of events without checking with whoever was actually in charge of the situation,” he said, getting to his feet.  He had other things to do that didn’t involve talking to JC.

            JC got up, too, and they walked to the door together.  “Thanks for making it clear.”

            “It’s good to see you,” AJ said, opening the door.

            “You, too,” JC said.  “Bye.”

            “Bye,” AJ said.  JC left, and AJ closed the door.  Interesting.  He’d better call Howie.

            Ashley knocked on Erik’s bedroom door.  “Can I talk to you?”

            Distracted, clad only in underwear and fresh from the shower, Erik gave Ashley a vague, “Yeah, come in,” while walking over to his closet.

            “Jacob left,” Ashley said.  “With Brian, and Joey and Nick.”

            “Yeah?” Erik asked, crouching down and digging into the back of his closet for something.

            “They went out to dinner.  The four of them.”

            Muttering to himself, getting up again empty-handed, Erik raised his voice for another, “Yeah?”  He turned to his dresser, going through the drawers.

            “I guess they didn’t want it to be a big group, and I know that Nick doesn’t really want to hang out with me, especially in front of his friends…  Last night, I was at Joey’s house, and Nick was there, and everything was okay.  It was awkward, because Nick’s always kind of antagonistic, but it all turned out okay.  But then in the morning, as soon as Howie and JC showed up, I was nobody again.  He makes this big deal in front of other people.  When it’s just him and me, he’s one way.  When Joey’s there, he’s another way.  When anyone else is around, forget it, it’s like I’m an annoying insect.”

            “You’re fucking his boyfriend,” Erik said.  “Where the hell is it?” he asked himself, rummaging among the hangers in his closet.

            Ashley stared at Erik’s back, incredulous.  “Are you even listening to me?”

            “I’m listening, but you haven’t said anything new,” Erik said, finally facing him.  “Joey’s with Nick, Nick’s with Joey, you’re in love and you’re getting laid but they’re not treating you right.  Everyone’s mean to you because you’re the other woman.  I get it.  What do you want me to do about it?”

            “You’re supposed to be my friend,” Ashley said.  “That’s what I want you to do.”

            “You’re not the only person around here with a life,” Erik said, picking up a pair of jeans from the bed.  “I have my own things going on, I have my own shit to handle.  You’re not the only one everyone thinks is fucking up.  You’re not the only one getting bitched out.  You’re not the only one affected by someone else’s relationship.  But you’re trying to break people up, and I’m trying to put them back together.”

            “How fucking noble of you,” Ashley snapped, offended, hurt.  “I’m the whore and you’re the misunderstood martyr.”

            “Someone almost killed me yesterday,” Erik said, his expression flat, his tone hostile.  “I’ve had to figure a few things out about my life since then.  Listening to you whine about how the guys you’re fucking aren’t nice enough to you isn’t at the top of my priority list.  But here’s some advice.”  Fed up, Erik almost shouted it.  “Stop fucking them!”

            “I’ll stop fucking Joey when you stop fucking JC,” Ashley shot back.  “I’ll stop fucking Nick when you stop fucking Howie.”

            “I’m not fucking them!” Erik shouted.  “Do I look like somebody who rolls over and takes it, to you?  Do I look like somebody who gives other guys head?!”

            “You don’t look like somebody who fucked my girlfriend,” Ashley said.  “But you are.  So maybe I don’t know what to think when I look at you anymore.”

            Erik watched Ashley go.

            He hurled his jeans across the room.  “Shit.”

            Soaking wet, Trevor ran into the house, shoes squeaking on the floors.

            “Get back here!” Chris shouted, chasing after him.  “Out of bounds, out of bounds!”

            Trevor rounded the corner, ducking out of sight.

            “I’m going to get you for this!” Chris yelled.  “Are you dripping on my furniture?”

            “Yes!” Trevor called back, unseen.

            “Okay!” Chris shouted.  He didn’t care; he’d just wanted to hear Trevor’s voice for location purposes.  “One,” he hurried into position, “two,” he brought his gun up, “three,” he-

            “Aaahhh!” Trevor cried, coming from the other direction, soaking him.

            “You son-of-a-bitch!” Chris protested, returning fire, then taking off.  He formed strategies as he ran, mapping out his path of escape as Trevor took a fresh shot at his unprotected back.  Diving right and rolling under a table, Chris shot back.

            “Shit!”  Trevor disappeared.  “You’re pretty damned spry for an old guy!”

            “I think I broke my hip!”  Damn it, he needed more water.  He was dangerously low on ammo.

            The doorbell rang.

            “Cease fire!” Chris yelled.

            “In your dreams!” Trevor yelled.

            Grinning, Chris crawled out from under the table.  “I knew I liked you for a reason,” he said, backing down the hallway, scanning warily.  Catching movement from a doorway, he sprayed in that direction, keeping Trevor at bay.  Risking a shot at his own back, he checked outside.  “It’s JC!”

            “Shit!”  Trevor ran for cover, probably not wanting to be caught soaking wet.

            Chris opened the door.  “What can I do for you?”

            JC took in Chris’s dripping hair, drenched clothes, and enormous water gun.  “I should have called first.”
 

            “You don’t have to call first,” Chris said.  “Should I ask Trevor to go home?”

            “He doesn’t have to go, but…  Can we get some privacy?” JC asked.

            “Sure,” Chris said.  He rubbed his hand over his hair; water cascaded down his face.  “Give me a minute to get rid of the witness.”

            JC sat on the closed toilet lid, watching Chris undress.  “At least you should have taken off your shoes.”

            “They’re good traction,” Chris said.  Each item of soaked clothing hit the floor with a heavy thwap.  “What’s wrong?”

            “I can’t separate love and sex.”

            That was direct.  Naked, Chris reached for a towel.  “Are we talking about Howie?”

            “Howie,” JC said.  He crossed, then uncrossed his legs.  “And Erik.”

            Oh.  Oh.  Chris had wondered why JC would come to him, but now he understood.  He was probably least likely to judge JC.  If Lance or Joey heard this…  “Because of Nick?”

            “He blended sex and love into one complete, whole…entity,” JC said.  “Sex is an expression of love, it’s about sharing yourself and sharing ecstasy and sharing an experience with someone in a way that binds you forever.  You become one with someone else in a way that’s so special, so…”  JC stopped talking and ran his fingers through his hair.  “I’m spending too much time with them.  I’m having too much sex with them.”

            “How do you feel about Erik?” Chris asked, wrapping the towel around his waist and worrying about JC’s obvious distress.

            “I don’t know,” JC confessed.  “I know how I should feel.  I know what I’m supposed to think.  Howie reinforced all of it, he told me to associate Ashley and Erik, so I can pour out all of my hatred on a useful target.  I should channel my rage.  I know that, and I tried it, but…”  JC looked away.

            “It didn’t work,” Chris finished for him, quietly.  JC was in trouble.

            “It should have worked,” JC insisted, and raised his eyes to Chris, pleading, conflicted.  “Why didn’t it work?  Why can’t I hate him?  I used to be so disgusted, I used to feel nothing but scorn.”

            “That was before you knew him,” Chris said.  “Now you see him as a real person.  A more complex person, with needs and insecurities and weaknesses and strengths and good points and hopes and dreams and-”

            “You’re not helping,” JC said, getting up.

            “I’m helping you to understand,” Chris said, walking from the bathroom to his closet.

            “I don’t want to understand it,” JC said, following him.  “I want to stop it.”

            “Then you’ll have to forget everything you’ve learned about him,” Chris said.  “You’ll have to stop seeing him as a human being and just see him as a thing.”

            “A thing?” JC repeated.

            “What happened today?” Chris asked.  Something must have sent JC in search of help.

            “Yesterday, Howie reminded me how much I despise Ashley.  He used that to motivate me.  Today, I was all set to hate Erik.  I was ready for it, I was going to loathe him and play the game like it’s never been played before.  And then I opened my front door and he was right there, holding a bouquet of flowers, and it wasn’t there.  The hate was gone.  I couldn’t find it.”

            “You like him,” Chris said, getting dressed.

            “I can’t afford to like him,” JC said desperately.  “I can’t like him!  How could I explain that to the guys?  To Howie?  To Nick and everyone else?”

            “Don’t explain it to them,” Chris said.  “Don’t explain it, and don’t throw the game.  Learn how to like Erik and still cooperate with Howie.”

            “I’d never throw the game,” JC said.

            “Good.”  Chris smoothed his wet hair back with both hands.  “Then you’re set.  Hide your feelings.  Play along.”

            “I lost focus somewhere along the way,” JC said.

            “He became real to you,” Chris said.

            “Joey has nonstop sex with Ashley and he doesn’t have this problem,” JC said.

            “Joey doesn’t equate sex with love,” Chris said.  “Neither does Lance or Justin.  I don’t, either.  Nick fucked with your head in a different way, and now your wires are crossed.”

            “Erik didn’t fuck me today,” JC said.  “He could have, and he didn’t try.  He’s had every opportunity to make a move on me for himself, but he always brings it back to Howie.  This would be so much easier if he’d act sneaky or under-handed.  Why won’t he go ahead and be a lying bastard?”

            “Because he cares about you and Howie,” Chris said.  “He must really care about you.  Your happiness together is more important than having you all to himself.  Your first loyalty is to Howie, and he respects that, and he doesn’t want that to change.”

            “No one’s that selfless,” JC said.

            “Erik must be,” Chris said.  He sat on the bed, watching JC pace.  “Maybe you should stop having sex with him.  That might help.”

            “I can’t.  I have to keep going, for the game.  Drawing him in sexually is one of our biggest ways of hooking him.”

            “Maybe you’re spending too much time alone with him,” Chris said, searching for any angle that might help JC.

            “I told Howie that, but we have to stay separated for a few more days.  It shouldn’t be much longer, but I don’t think that this can be undone.”

            JC was screwed.  Chris had no way to unscrew him.  “I’m sorry,” he said.  It was heartfelt, but not helpful.

            JC sat beside him.  “I don’t want it to be like this.  I don’t want to feel like this.  I don’t want to have to hide it from everyone.  I like him, and when he’s gone I can convince myself that it’ll be different next time, but when he’s right there in front of me I can’t maintain that.  And then he touches me and my body responds to it and my heart responds to it and I hate that.  I hate that my body can do that to me.”

            “I like Trevor,” Chris said.  “I like him a lot more than I should.  When Kevin tears him apart, it’s going to be really hard for me.  I think that Justin’s going to have a lot of trouble resisting the urge to save Dan.  You’re not alone.”

            “I can’t tell anyone about this,” JC said.

            “Now isn’t a good time to keep secrets,” Chris said.  “But put off telling anyone for as long as you can.  They won’t be able to help you with it, so all they’ll do is judge you for it, and that’ll make things worse.”

            “I can’t believe that this happened,” JC said.  “I didn’t think that it was possible.  I don’t know if it’s Nick’s fault, or Howie’s fault for training me to respond to Erik sexually, or my own fault for being naïve.”

            “It could be Erik’s fault for being a human being with good points to go along with his flaws,” Chris said.

            JC sighed.  “When I talk to Howie, I’m so committed to this.  But sometimes I really wonder what we’re doing.  I don’t know why we’re doing it.  It used to be so obvious but now none of it makes sense.  I want to go back to the beginning and figure out what our real reasons were.”

            “We were pissed at O-Town, but that wasn’t our real reason,” Chris said.  “We wanted someone else to go through what we’d been through, so we wouldn’t be the only ones who’d been put through hell.  And you wanted an excuse to interact with Nick again.  Joey wanted an excuse to be near AJ again.  Lance wanted an excuse to get back into Howie’s life.”

            “You didn’t stop us,” JC said.

            “I couldn’t have,” Chris said.  “And even if I could have…”  He looked down at his hands.  “I love Brian.  I can’t say no.”

            “Where are you going?” Ashley asked as Erik ran downstairs.

            “Out,” Erik said, heading for the door.  “Don’t wait up.”

            “Did JC like the flowers?” Howie asked, eyes shining with eager interest as he pulled Erik into the house.  His hello kiss was quick but happy.  “Did he see the necklace?”

            “He loved the flowers,” Erik said, smiling at Howie’s enthusiasm, glad that he had only good things to report.  “You should have seen him, you would have loved it.  I’ve never seen him like that.”

            “Like what?” Howie asked, curious, as they assumed their familiar positions on the couch.

            “He was totally shocked,” Erik said.  “He was stunned, like he didn’t even know what to do.  He couldn’t even read the card, he made me read it.  He loved it, he thought that what you wrote was perfect.”
 

            “What we wrote,” Howie corrected him with a pleased smile.  “Did he like the necklace?”

            “He was so surprised when he found it.  I put it on him and he - - he was so touched by everything.  I mean, he seemed totally thrown, he kept saying ‘I can’t believe he did this.’  He loved it, he loved the flowers and the card and the necklace.  You should have seen his face.  Once you see that expression, you’ll give him something new every day just to see it again.”

            “That’s terrific,” Howie said, giving him a brief hug.  “Thank you, Erik-Michael.”  Howie’s smile was happy, displaying white teeth.  “He really liked it?”

            “He loved it,” Erik said.  “He loved all of it.  This was a great idea.”

            “Did you make love to him?” Howie asked.

            “No,” Erik said.  “He did say that if you’d brought him flowers, he would have made love with you.  He didn’t seem to…  He wasn’t giving me that vibe.  We made out, and I gave him head, and I used my fingers, and he…”  Erik felt a little self-conscious; heat rose in his cheeks.  “…liked that.”

            “Really?” Howie asked, leaning closer, intrigued.

            “Yeah.  We talked about sex.”  Erik wasn’t ready to share all of the details of that conversation with Howie.

            Howie’s eyes were bright with interest and amusement.  “That sounds like a fun conversation.”

            Erik chuckled, running his hand over Howie’s a little, since Howie’s hand was on his knee.  “JC wants to see me fuck a girl, too.”
 

            Howie smiled.  “I knew he would.”

            Erik remembered something he’d wanted to mention.  “I told him a little bit about what happened with AJ.  The pool, and everything.  He asked, and I figured I’d already told you about some of it, so…”

            Concern crept into Howie’s tone.  “What did you tell him?”

            “I told him what AJ said and what happened, in a little more detail.  I wanted to ask you about it, because he got kind of upset.  Not freaking out upset, but it seemed like for a minute there I was comforting him.  I didn’t want to worry him, so I tried to be cool about everything, because I got through it and I’m okay and I don’t want him to feel sorry for poor little Erik-Michael.”

            “Did he get upset about anything specific?” Howie asked.

            Erik thought about it.  “He reacted more about the pool.  I started talking about AJ trying to drown me and he turned straight gray.”

            “I think that I know what that’s about,” Howie said.  Looking upset himself for a minute, Howie shifted his gaze away.  “I’m sorry, I should have warned you.”  Howie met Erik’s eyes.  “There was an incident.  In JC’s past, but not that long ago.  He was on a boat, with a friend, and something happened.  He doesn’t talk about it, he won’t mention it, but he’s avoided water ever since.  I haven’t seen him even get into a pool.”

            Erik stared at Howie, shocked.  “What are you telling me?  JC saw his friend go under, or-”

            “JC almost drowned,” Howie said quietly.  “I’m sure that what you told him reminded him of his own experience, and-”

            “Oh my god,” Erik said.  “I had no idea.  Damn, I never would have said anything!”  JC had almost drowned?!  “Is he okay?  When it happened, how bad was it?”

            “He was fine,” Howie said.  “But he had a very bad scare, and he hasn’t gotten over it.”

            “Damn,” Erik said.  He felt like shit.  “No wonder he looked at me like that.  I can’t believe I just sat there babbling on at him about - - damn.”

            “You didn’t know,” Howie said, squeezing his hand.  “JC knows that.  It’s okay.  He wanted you to talk to him.  We both appreciate it when you’re open with us.”

            “I feel so stupid right now,” Erik said.  He was such a dumbass.

            “Please don’t tell him that I explained this to you,” Howie said.  “It might come up in its own time, but he doesn’t like to talk about it, and-”

            “No, it’s okay, I won’t say anything,” Erik said.  “Thanks for letting me know, though.”

            “Thank you for sharing with him,” Howie said.  “And thank you for making that delivery for me.”  Howie kissed him, slowly, then smiled and asked, “He really liked the flowers?”

            Trevor heard quiet voices passing nearby.  He turned up the volume on the TV so they’d know where he was.

            A few minutes later, Chris came into the room, sitting beside him.  “You’re still damp,” Chris said.

            Trevor ran his fingers through Chris’s wet hair.  “Is JC okay?”

            “Not right now, no,” Chris said.  “Not having Howie as a constant in his life is rough on him.”  Chris’s arm curved around his waist.  “I think he should spend less time with Erik, but I can’t make that decision for him.”

            “Erik’s okay,” Trevor said.

            “Yeah.”  Chris tucked his fingers inside Trevor’s waistband.  “That’s what JC says.”

            JC called Justin’s cell phone.  “Hey, J., it’s me.  I just saw AJ and you weren’t with him.  I stopped by your house but no one was there.  Call me and let me know what’s going on.  Are you okay?  I got a message from Joey that he’s going to dinner with Nick, Brian, and Jacob.  I don’t know whether to be jealous of him or feel sorry for him.  So, uh, call me.  Bye.”

            Sweating and breathless and kind of woozy, Erik licked his cum from Howie’s mouth.  With the faintest warm, satisfied sound, Howie slowed their kiss, rolling them onto their sides together.  “I love the way you say my name when you’re coming.”

            Erik wasn’t finished kissing, so he went back for more.  Howie’s mouth yielded to him, and the feel of Howie’s arms around him made him want to stay.

            Finally, their kiss slowed, and ended, and Erik opened his eyes.

            Howie’s fingers traced Erik’s shoulder blade.  “Thank you for helping me with JC.”

            “He was really happy today,” Erik said.  He wanted Howie to know how well it was working.  Maybe, if they kept going, JC and Howie would reunite.

            Howie’s pleased, almost hopeful smile made Erik want to help him even more.  “I love to see JC happy.”

            “I love to see JC a lot of ways,” Erik said.

            Howie’s smile became knowing.  “You like to see JC naked in bed.”

            “Or, just naked,” Erik said.

            Howie laughed.  “I do miss that sight.”  He sighed with a small smile, stroking Erik’s shoulder and looking past it at nothing.

            Erik ran his fingers over Howie’s stubble.  He was glad that he was there with Howie, so that Howie wasn’t alone.  But the longing in Howie’s eyes made him wonder what JC was going through.

            Unlocking the bottom drawer of his filing cabinet, JC withdrew a thin folder.  Sitting there on the floor, he spread pictures before himself.  Glossy photographs of the front of the house.  The sides, the back.  The backyard, the pool.  The interior.  A few aerial views.

            His house.  Their house.  His and Nick’s.  The place that he and Nick, together, would have called home.

            These photographs were all he had left.

            He’d hired an agent.  She’d found various houses for him.  But this one, he and Nick had both liked it best.  The huge, open kitchen.  The winding staircases.  The relative seclusion of its location.  There had been grandeur in that house, and elegance, but also simple, sprawling warmth.  It had been a perfect blend of him and Nick.  Regal grace and comfortable welcome.

            They’d made love there, before moving in.  To test it out, Nick had said with a glittering smile, pulling him closer.

            It wasn’t the money that bothered JC.  He would have given up another eleven million dollars and much more, to get Nick back.  Or to understand.

            But not to stop the pain.  He wouldn’t part with the pain, because the pain was what remained.  The pain was his reminder of how much he’d lost.  What he’d lost reminded him of how much he’d loved.  What he’d once had.

The passion.  The joy.  The obsession.  The ecstasy.  So much more than love.

            There was no one in the world like Nick.

            Sometimes, JC wasn’t even sure that Nick was real.

            But the pictures were real.

            The house had been real.

            The love was real.

            The pain was real.

            It hurt, to hear about Joey’s dinner with Nick.

            Why did Jacob get to have dinner with Nick, when JC couldn’t?

            Jacob’d had dinner with Nick.

            Joey’d had dinner with Nick.

            JC’d had dinner alone.

            Joey was going to sleep with Nick tonight.

            JC was in bed alone.

            Who was he supposed to call for comfort?  Lance?  These days, under these circumstances, Lance only had limited sympathy for him.  Chris?  Justin?  They were too burdened by their own problems; he didn’t want to task them with his own.  Howie?  Howie was probably in bed with Erik.

            JC sat up.

            Maybe.

            He dialed.

            One ring.

            Two rings.

            Three rings.

            JC almost hung up.

            “JC?”  Erik’s voice was heavy with sleep.

            “Hi, honey.  I’m sorry, were you sleeping?”

            “That’s okay,” Erik said.  “What’s going on?”
 

            “Are you with Howie?”

            “Yeah,” Erik said.  “Do you want to talk to him?”

            “No,” JC said.  “No, honey, I just…  Is he asleep?”

            “No, he’s awake,” Erik said.  “Do you want me to tell him something for you?”

            “I don’t know what I want anymore,” JC said with too much honesty.  He rubbed the bridge of his nose, gathering his thoughts.  They defiantly scattered.  “I’m fine, honey, I don’t…  Can you come over tomorrow?”

            “Of course,” Erik said.  “Do you want me to come now?”
 

            “No, no, tomorrow,” JC said.  “Stay where you are.”
 

            “Can I do something for you?” Erik asked.  “Do you need anything?”

            He needed Nick.  He needed reassurance.  He needed Howie.  “Just come over,” JC said.  His voice softened of its own accord.  “And make love to me.”
 

            “I could come over right now, for that,” Erik said.

            JC laughed, surprised.  “That’s okay, honey.  I can wait.”

            “I’m not sure I can,” Erik said.  “JC, are you sure it’s me you want?  I’m not complaining, I’d never turn you down, but I don’t think you’re calling around at this time of night because you want me.  Howie’s right here, I’m sure he’d love to help you out.”
 

            JC couldn’t find the words to reply to that.  “I’ll see you tomorrow, honey,” he said, instead.  “Bye.”  He hung up.

            His thoughts drifted back to Nick.

            Wandered around Howie.

            Returned, as they always did, to Nick, one more time.

matthew@matthewtime.com
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