"Unfixable"

Unfixable

Rating: R

Pairing: Nick/Brian/JC/Justin

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys and *NSYNC are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. These writings are works of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

banner by Vanessa

There was no point. There was no fucking point!

Justin went upstairs. He went into Brian's study, sitting on the couch in the dark. He couldn't sleep downstairs, in that bed.

He'd been hoping and planning and for what? Nick wasn't even going to give him a chance! That damned, that fucking - - he loved Nick! He was fucking in love with Nick, and Nick wasn't going to give him half a chance!

It wasn't his fault. Nick had come home early. If he'd known Nick had been coming home, he wouldn't have gone out, and neither would Brian. It wasn't like he'd suddenly realized, hey, Nick's coming home early, this is a great time to get Brian out of the house!

Bastard.

Nick would find any excuse to hate him. Anything. Even if Nick had come home tomorrow, as scheduled, he would've been pissed off that Brian and Justin had gone to the game anyway, because he hadn't been invited. And god forbid they leave Nick out of anything.

Justin was never going to get a chance. He should just give up and forget about it. Nick hated him, and there was nothing he could do about it.

But now what? They couldn't coexist. Nick was never going to leave. That meant that he had to leave, but he couldn't leave. He couldn't walk away from JC, ever. He couldn't leave Brian, he'd just figured out that Brian was in love with him.

And he didn't want to leave Nick. God, he didn't want to leave Nick. As bad as things were, he couldn't cut Nick out of his life. And that was what would happen, if he walked away. Nick would never give him a chance to come back.

But if he stayed, with the way things were... Their situation was becoming unbearable. The tension between him and Nick, the escalating fights, the violence - - it was tearing the whole relationship apart, in four different directions.

Brian had asked him to hang on, for a little while longer. But the way Nick had looked at him, that contempt, he couldn't live with that kind of hatred. Not from someone he loved this much.

He would never try to keep Brian from Nick. He would never want to take Brian away. Even if he hadn't loved Nick, he loved Brian, and he knew how vital Nick was to Brian's life. He'd never seen anything like it.

He couldn't leave. That meant that he had to stay. That meant that he had to find a way to work things out.

Nick wasn't going to give him a chance. Who said that he had to be given a chance? He could take a chance.

Tomorrow.

As for tonight, he wasn't sleeping on a couch in his own house. There was a bed downstairs with his JC in it, and that was where he was spending the night.

Justin went back downstairs, slipping quietly into the bedroom. He undressed, then studied the bed in the moonlight. He could either shove JC towards center, or he could climb over JC and sleep in the middle.

He always preferred the middle. Justin went to the bottom of the bed and, with great care, crawled in between Nick and JC. With his back to Nick's back, he snuggled in against JC, pulling up the covers. Mmm. Cosy.

Hmm...

Time passed.

Justin opened his eyes.

He couldn't sleep.

He could wake up JC. JC might get him off. But he hated to ask JC for anything that petty. Nick was out of the question. Brian would do it, but Justin didn't want to ask Brian and piss off Nick.

He could masturbate.

He didn't want to come on JC, though.

Damn it.

Justin climbed over JC and went to the bathroom. He couldn't believe he had JC, Brian, and Nick in his bed and he was resorting to this. It was pathetic.

Starting tomorrow, he was fixing things with Nick, no matter what.

The next day, things weren't much better. Justin woke up alone. Nick was out. Brian and JC were upstairs working. He went to see Joey, and when he got back, the house was empty. He went up to JC's study and scribbled ridiculous lyrics and tried to think of ways to get Nick to stop hating him. Maybe if he could show Nick that they weren't in competition?

He heard the front door close. Someone was home. It was about time. Justin got up and went downstairs.

The shower started.

Justin walked into the bedroom. Nick's gym bag was on the floor. That meant that Nick was home. Nick was in the shower. Nick was naked.

Justin really wished he'd gotten laid last night. He was too susceptible to Nick when he was horny, and Nick always used that against him. He had to learn to be less obvious about his hormonal surges.

He sat on the foot of the bed. He toed off his sneakers. He pulled off his socks. He tried not to picture Nick in the shower. He tried not to picture Nick in ecstasy last night. He tried not to picture Nick in ecstasy in the shower. He tried not to touch himself.

The shower stopped.

Justin wanted to lick Nick dry. Could someone be licked dry? Didn't licking indicate wetness? He wanted to lick Nick, wet or dry. Lick the water droplets rolling down Nick's body. Lick Nick's clean skin.

Nick walked out of the bathroom naked.

Whoa, JuJu. Justin shifted, trying to remember not to be obvious.

Ignoring Justin, Nick began to get dressed.

He had to start this conversation somehow. What could he say that wouldn't immediately be considered offensive? "I missed you," Justin said.

Nick snorted. "I'll bet." He pulled on a T-shirt with his underwear.

Nick was going to take exception to every fucking thing he said. He could say "grass is green" and Nick would get an attitude. "I missed you," Justin repeated, saying it harder this time, standing in case that would help Nick to take him seriously. "Things aren't the same without you here."

"Yeah, they're better," Nick said. Dressed, he turned to face Justin. "You're here all alone with Brian and JC, you can get all of their attention, you can play cute little baby pretty boy and get them to crawl all over you."

"I was here alone with them, I did have their attention, and I still missed you," Justin said. "So did they."

"What'd you miss so much?" Nick asked, coming closer. They were the same height, but Nick still had a way of physically intimidating him. Justin hated it. "What'd you miss so much?" Nick repeated, getting in his face. "Getting pushed around?" Nick shoved him once, hard, in the shoulder, knocking him off-balance. Justin took a step back and hated himself for it. "You like being hit? You like being slammed over the closest piece of furniture and fucked so hard it hurts? That's what you like me for? That's what you miss me for?"

No. Oh, god, no. That was what Nick thought? "Nick, no, I-"

"Then I guess it's a good thing I'm home," Nick said, and backhanded him across the face. Justin fell back into the bureau. Shit, fuck, damn it, Nick hit so damned hard all of the time. But he couldn't fight back, he wasn't going to fight back, he had to suck in his pride. Justin slid down to the floor, to make it obvious he wasn't going to hit back. He hated that it made him look weak, but he had to prove that he wasn't a threat.

"Get up!" Nick shouted. "Or do you want me to fuck you right there on the floor?!"

Jesus. Was that, that was what their relationship looked like, didn't it? And Nick thought he wanted it that way? Nick thought he-

"Nick!" Brian came into the room fast, taking Nick's elbow and hauling him back. "What the hell are you doing?!"

"Nothing," Justin said. He wasn't halfway off the floor before Brian was pulling him up, touching his face, looking concerned and worried and ready to kick ass. Unfortunately, the only ass available for kicking was Nick's, and god, this was the last thing Justin had wanted. Now Brian was going to be mad at Nick, over him, and Nick was going to see that as Brian choosing one of them over the other, and damn it. "Nothing happened," he said. "I'm fine."

"I heard what you said," Brian said, turning to Nick, a protective hand still on Justin.

"He didn't mean it," Justin said.

"I meant the hell out of it," Nick snapped.

"Stay in here," Brian said to Nick, beginning to lead Justin out of the room.

"You can't fucking ground me!" Nick shouted.

"Stay in here," Brian snapped, and closed the door. "Are you all right?" he asked Justin, and suddenly all of Brian's attention was focused on him, blue eyes investigating, cool hands cupping his face.

"I'm fine," Justin said, acutely aware that Nick could hear through the door. "I'm okay. Nothing happened."

Brian let go of him to get an ice pack, then led him over to the sofa. When Justin sat down, Brian sat facing him, gently holding the ice to his cheek, so close Justin felt the world fade out around them.

"Tell me what happened," Brian said.

"It was nothing," Justin said. "I told Nick that I'd missed him, and he took it the wrong way."

"He took 'I missed you' the wrong way?" Brian asked.

It sounded ridiculous, put that way, but, "Yeah."

"So he hit you."

"Yeah. He only hit me once."

"Did you hit him?"

"No," Justin said quickly. "I didn't want to fight. That's why I let myself hit the floor. So he'd know I didn't want to fight back."

"What else happened?"

"That's when you came in."

"When he was threatening to rape you."

"No!" God, no. "It wasn't like that. It's not - - it's complicated." He didn't want to explain it all to Brian, because it was pretty fucked up.

"Justin, I need you to tell me everything you're not telling me," Brian said. "We have to figure out what to do."

"You don't have to do anything," Justin said. "I can take care of it."

"You were on the floor," Brian said. "It didn't seem like you were in control of the situation."

"No one's ever in control of Nick," Justin said.

"I love you," Brian said, cupping Justin's chin in one hand. "I can't let things go on like this. It's not safe."

"It's fine," Justin said, but he was lying.

"I don't want to ask him to leave," Brian whispered.

The pain in Brian's eyes shot right through Justin. He couldn't make Brian choose between him and Nick. He couldn't make Brian kick Nick out. He couldn't put Brian through that kind of pain. "You don't have to," he said. "We can handle this. I can fix it."

He wasn't sure he could fix it, not sure at all. It was looking pretty unfixable. Justin wasn't optimistic about his chances of keeping this relationship intact. But he had to try.

"I'm sorry," Brian said.

"I'm sorry," Justin said. Things kept getting worse and better and worse and better, and now they were back at worse. But he hadn't even understood what that meant, or what Nick was reading into it. Not until now.

"I have to go to talk to Nick," Brian said. "Keep this ice pack on." Brian kissed his other cheek, then rose and went to the bedroom.

Justin turned on the TV to drown out the yelling.

Ouch. He'd never been called that before. He raised the volume.

He wished, again, that he'd never fallen for Nick.

Brian stayed in the bedroom with Nick for hours. Justin crept past the door once in a while, but it was silent in there for a long time. He wondered whether they were standing with their backs to each other, or curled up on the bed together, or ignoring each other, or having really quiet sex, but he couldn't tell.

When JC came home, he looked shocked at the sight of Justin's face, which meant Brian must not have called him. He asked Justin what had happened, and kissed him, and went to the bedroom.

Brian and JC went upstairs.

Justin snuck into the bedroom. It was dark. Nick was sitting on the foot of the bed, hunched over with his elbows on his knees, twining something around his fingers. Brian's necklace.

"What do you want?" Nick asked without looking up.

"What did Brian say?" Justin asked, coming in from the doorway.

"He loves me."

There was a lot more to it than that, obviously. But maybe it was none of Justin's business.

Nick bowed his head, Brian's necklace knotted around his fingers as he rested his forehead on his fists.

Justin knew he was risking rejection, but he lowered himself to the floor, sitting between the bed and the door.

Time passed.

Justin was hungry. He was also trying to figure out what it was about Nick that yanked people in and wouldn't let go. It could be the sex, but there was something else, too. The thing was, it didn't seem to be intentional on Nick's part; without his knowledge or any effort, while he wasn't even paying attention, something about him just sank its claws deep in people's guts and locked onto their brains, worming deep inside.

Justin knew no matter how hard he tried, he'd never be free of it. He'd feel this way about Nick for the rest of his life. He could walk away now, never see Nick again, and at age seventy-five, think of Nick and still be gripped by longing, by love, by aching desire.

It was irritating. He wished he could stop.

Sitting in the dark, brooding, was becoming depressing. That was probably the idea, but Justin didn't enjoy being depressed. It was after midnight, and he hadn't eaten in hours. He got up. "You want something to eat?"

"No," Nick said. "Yeah."

Justin ordered pizza. When it came, Nick joined him in the kitchen. They sat at the table, not looking at each other, not talking.

Justin was on his third slice when JC and Brian came downstairs. He swallowed quickly, standing.

Nick sat back in his chair. His eyes were guarded. Justin wondered where Brian's necklace was.

"We love both of you," Brian said. "And we know that you love each other. We all want this relationship to work. It wasn't easy getting here, but we all agreed to try."

Justin couldn't stop glancing at Nick, checking for reactions. Nick had his "you can't affect me" expression on, arms crossed over his chest.

"You're responsible for your own actions," Brian said. "You both know that fighting with each other isn't just between the two of you. It's putting stress on all four of us."

"Brian already told you that if you intentionally injured each other, you'd be sleeping upstairs for a month," JC said. "It's all we can think of. We can't get you to stop fighting, we can't make you stop hitting each other, we can't get you to work on it or compromise, we don't know what else to do. Sexual intimacy isn't what this relationship is based on, it's a privilege, and it's a privilege we're suspending."

"Nick, I'm sorry," Brian said.

"If you can think of another way to handle things," JC said. "If you're willing to work it out, compromise, just talk about it."

"You don't have to, a whole month," Justin said, not wanting this to happen. Not ostracism, not for a month. "We can-"

"Fine," Nick said. He stood. "Fine. I'll be upstairs." He lowered his hands to the table, and Justin saw it coming but couldn't stop it, realizing too late that - - wham! Nick upended the table, glass shattering, Justin jumping back instinctively.

"Nick!" Brian said, but Nick was already moving, going upstairs.

"Let him go," JC said, drawing Brian back.

"This is so stupid," Brian said.

"I know," JC said.

"We're grounding him like he's twelve," Brian said, frustrated. "We should have thought of something else."

"He's violent," JC said. "He's harassing Justin. We've waited for things to get better, we've tried talking to him, and it just gets worse."

"Sometimes it gets better," Brian said. "Things were getting good."

"Things never stay good," JC said. "We need a permanent solution."

"Making him sleep upstairs for a month?" Brian asked. "It's going to alienate him."

JC sighed, frustrated.

Brian put his hand on Justin's arm. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," Justin said. "A month is too long. Everything that's going on is my fault, too."

"If Nick wants to make an effort to treat you with love and respect, then it won't be a month," Brian said. "That's up to him."

"You know you keep sounding like a parent," Justin said.

"You know the classic line," Brian said. "He'll get treated like an adult once he starts acting like one."

They cleaned up the kitchen. The silence from upstairs was so loud, they didn't speak. Brian took Nick's things upstairs, and stayed there for a long time. Justin felt like shit, so he went to bed, cursing himself for not handling things better.

JC crawled in beside him. "It's not your fault."

"I could have worked things out," Justin said. "I keep fucking this up."

Brian came in, dropping onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling. "He won't talk to me. He thinks I've betrayed him."

That made Nick's anger more real than ever. It wasn't just about Nick and Justin anymore, it was about all of them. Nick was mad at Brian, and Justin knew that he was going to leave.

Justin had to stop him.

Somehow.

matthew@matthewtime.com
Next: "React"
"Attainable"
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