Diamond
Copyright January 27, 2001
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Nick Carter/Drew Lachey, Nick Carter/Brian Littrell
Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees, and *NSYNC are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.
Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashers. Also for Billy Joel and Savage Garden.
Wherein Nick hates, wants, and loves.
He couldn't imagine a deeper,
more vicious hatred.
It was a business decision.
It hurt so much Nick would
have laughed if he'd remembered how.
They were still friends, weren't they?
They'd always be friends.
Nick did laugh, then.
Kevin held him when he cried.
It wasn't the same.
He didn't want it to be.
He'd never love anyone else.
He'd always love Brian.
He didn't want to love anyone else.
He didn't even know how.
AJ tried to stop him.
Then AJ gave in and helped him.
It was therapeutic.
Especially when AJ made Brian
pay for the damages.
Brian just fell, fell, gone suddenly, lost, away; maybe hurt, maybe really hurt, maybe about to be attacked by thousands of screaming fans in a frenzied mob, maybe gone forever.
Brian was okay.
The concert continued.
Nick couldn't stop shaking with fear.
Rational fear.
Irrational fear.
Howie covered for him when he got lost.
When Brian undressed and
was checked for injury, Kevin didn't say anything about Nick's staring.
He wanted Brian.
He hated Brian.
He loved Brian.
He hurt for Brian.
He hurt for himself.
He decided to screw Brian.
He decided to hit Brian.
He decided to get Brian back.
He decided to get a new boyfriend.
He decided that he really
hated the taste of vomit.
Outside of AJ, Howie, and Kevin, the five guys of *NSYNC were the only guys who knew about him and Brian.
Or so he hoped.
He tried to kiss JC.
JC didn't let him.
That was for the best.
JC wanted Justin, anyway.
And he still wanted Brian.
He loved Brian.
That would always hurt.
Nothing could make him harder.
His heart ached afterward.
They played basketball.
They ate.
They talked.
He missed the way Brian used to twist under his body.
But Brian's smile still lit
his soul.
98 Degrees sat in front of them.
Those guys had the best bodies.
And Drew Lachey was cute
as shit.
When he wakened, he was sure that Brian's fingers had been in his hair, against his scalp.
He'd know Brian's touch anywhere.
When he could sleep, he dreamt of blue eyes and gentle fingers and a beautiful voice and a warm smile.
Sometimes he dreamt of sex.
Sex with Brian.
The best kind of sex there
was.
Sometimes.
When he forgot.
They were ripped as hell.
They had to be great in bed.
He wondered what they looked like naked.
Drew had the widest smile and the prettiest eyes.
And damn.
He hadn't felt that sparkle since...
God, that hurt.
He yelled at Brian.
He started screaming.
Kevin had to hit him to make him stop.
Brian just stared at him.
Like he was a stranger.
He'd forgotten what that kind of life could be like.
Life without Brian's love.
He'd have to learn.
They were friends.
He loved Brian.
Brian loved him.
As friends.
Friends.
They were friends.
That was all.
That was a lot.
That made him want to die.
He pointed out that JC wasn't moving on from Justin.
JC hadn't had Justin yet.
He pointed out that it didn't look like JC ever would.
JC called him a bad name.
He called JC something worse.
JC hung up on him.
He wanted to be more.
He was so busy trying to figure out what color Drew's eyes were, he forgot to think about Brian.
He tried to picture Drew naked.
He tried to picture Drew hatless.
He tried to picture Drew in his bed.
It wasn't hard.
He was hard.
He danced and sang with Justin.
He left with Drew.
He wanted Brian to be jealous.
He wanted to kiss Drew.
Drew was a real person.
Drew liked him.
Either he was going nuts, or he was flirting with Drew Lachey.
Damn.
It was working, too.
It was working really well.
It was one of those true deep real forever loves.
He wanted to taste Brian's kisses again.
He wanted to feel Brian's body heated with desire.
He wanted to sing a love
song...and mean it...and not feel pain.
He talked with Drew on the phone.
JC was screwing Justin.
Drew wasn't screwing anybody.
Yet.
Free time.
Lots of free time.
Lots of Drew time.
He saw Drew and Nick in the hallway.
He knew.
He knew that he would never be over Brian.
Never.
He knew that he would always be in love with Brian.
Always.
He knew that he was falling in love with Drew.
Fallen.
It had to be.
He could feel it.
Drew wanted him.
He wanted Drew.
He was going to take Drew.
He hadn't gotten laid in
way too long.
That weird light, painful feeling wasn't about sex.
That tightness in his chest wasn't about sex.
That ache that went all the way to his fingertips wasn't about sex.
That smile in Drew's eyes wasn't about sex.
The heat in Drew's cheeks,
now that was about sex.
He stood up for himself.
Brian didn't want to hear it.
But they both knew.
Nick deserved this chance.
Another.
Another.
Now he was stalling.
He could do it.
Simple.
Easy.
Go for it.
Now.
Now.
Now!
All he had to do was make conversation.
Casual conversation.
Casual invitation.
Just dinner.
Food.
In a public place.
With other people.
Not a date.
Not a real date.
It wasn't cheating on Brian.
It wasn't.
It wasn't.
He was moving on.
Moving on from Brian.
Starting over.
Starting over without Brian.
Without Brian.
Without.
Brian.
Drew wasn't the same.
Drew wasn't Brian.
Drew was a whole new person.
Different from Brian.
He had to remind himself of things.
That he wasn't cheating on Brian.
That he could do this.
That looking into someone's eyes and falling and feeling the world stop didn't mean that he didn't love another pair of eyes, too.
That maybe he could be in love with Drew.
Just as much.
As he was in love with Brian.
In a different way.
Because they were different people.
Maybe it was possible.
Maybe he didn't have to hurt anymore.
Not as much.
Hazel.
Damn.
He touched Drew.
His chest was tight with anticipation.
His heart throbbed with want.
His cock pulsed with need.
His fingertips ached.
Drew was perfect.
In every way that counted.
In every way.
He hadn't been good enough to keep Brian.
He hadn't been good enough.
He wasn't good enough.
He wasn't good enough for Drew.
He'd never be good enough to keep Drew.
But fuck it all, he was going
to try.
Maybe not hotter than Brian.
But maybe.
That innocence.
Drew was new.
Drew was very special.
Drew was a living, breathing Precious Moment.
Nick wanted Drew.
New to Drew.
Even new to him.
Every kiss.
Every touch.
Every word.
Every look.
Every breath.
Drew even breathed sexy.
Especially when he got Drew
hot.
He knew they'd do something.
He wanted to get Drew in bed.
It looked very likely that
he'd succeed.
It was easy.
Just stroke Drew up and get inside Drew's head.
Drew was easy.
Nick was scared.
Right then, he couldn't remember wanting anyone that much.
Ever.
Holy motherfucker that was
one fine body.
Oh holy shit.
Drew was in love with him.
He'd always love Brian.
He loved Drew.
He'd always love Drew.
He would fight, with tooth and nail, with every last piece of his heart and soul, to keep Drew.
He wouldn't lose this one.
He couldn't.
Please, God.
He couldn't lose this one,
too.