Copyright February 2-10, 2001 by Matthew Haldeman-Time

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people.  The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life.  This writing is a work of fiction.  I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashers.  Five of the sex scenes are for Diamond, who asked for them.

Notice: There are six stories that come before this one.  Read those first.  I'll wait.

Warning: "Together" includes depictions of, discussion of, and references to, consensual incest.

        One day closer to Kendig.  One day closer to Lance.

        One day closer to comfort and home and love and that soaring feeling that lifted his stomach and made his fingertips tingle.

        One day closer to that touch, those eyes, that voice.

        One day closer to the only, only person who really, really mattered.

        He'd gotten to screw Brian.

        Brian on his back, pressed down into the mattress, cheeks flushed, lips parted, breath coming in uneven rasps, getting that "so good it hurts" look in his eyes.

        Nick had driven into him, that pleasure, that depth.  When Nick had to go every day all year without Drew, these days without Brian were hell.  Getting that back again, that me-into-you, that two-become-one, he'd needed that, that physical connection, getting inside Brian and looking into those pretty blue eyes that showed every last wisp of Brian's soul.

        And Brian's soul had been saying, "No one else does this to me."

        They probably shouldn't have screwed.  It probably set back Brian's recovery.  But god damn it, Nick was floating.

        Maybe he could get Brian to do him tonight.

        Nick locked up their room and shouldered his bag.  His suitcase in one hand and Brian's in the other, he headed down the hallway.

        And stopped.

        And thudded back to earth.

        Her.

        She touched Brian's shoulder.  Something in Nick's stomach started clawing desperately.  Something in his eyes hurt.

        Fuck it.  What was there to start?  Everything Chris had was trashed.

        He'd done a horrible, unforgivable thing to JC and Justin.  His two best friends, he knew what they'd been through, he'd seen them go to that awful place and struggle back from it, he knew how strong they were, and he'd traumatized Justin with angry, careless words.

        Justin had forgiven him.  He didn't deserve forgiveness.  JC wouldn't forgive him, ever.  He knew that.  He had to live with it.

        And then Justin had almost died in that fall.  Could have, should have died.  After seeing Justin's reaction to the words "JC's dead," Chris didn't want to guess JC's reaction to Justin's death.

        How was Chris supposed to enjoy this tour, living with them?

        And how was he supposed to look forward to his week-long break when he was avoiding his boyfriend, who was having an affair with someone else, who just happened to be cheating on Chris's best friend?

        He didn't know.  He couldn't prove it.

        But come on.  They were apart, they were touring, they never saw each other.  Howie was healthy and sexual.  Chris had stopped speaking to him.  No doubt after spending a year in close quarters with AJ, Howie was seeing that yes, there were other men out there, and some of them were damned finer than Chris.

        Howie wouldn't cheat on Chris mindlessly.  He was a good person.  But Chris had broken off their connection.

        He'd been trying to save himself from pain.

        Boy, had that plan backfired.

        Justin was already asleep.  Jeff was, too, curled up against Nick, taking advantage of the stubbled, tousled look that always worked for him, anyway.  Nick was picking at a loose thread at Jeff's shoulder.

        Nick looked up.  Their eyes met.

        Nick couldn't get up, since he was weighed down by Jeff.  So Drew went to him.

        Sweet, slow.  Nick's hand rose to the back of his neck, slid up into his hair, wet tongue slicking into his mouth.

        Drew eased away from Nick's kiss, spent a moment looking into Nick's eyes, and moved on, going to his seat.

        Nick swallowed.  No.  He was fine.  It was fine.  Brian could go off with her, and Drew could go be with Nick and Jeff, and he'd just sit here and die.

        Brian tugged his earlobe.

        "What, damn it?"

        Brian looked hurt.  His eyes demanded, "What's wrong with you?"  Funny how he looked mad and hurt and concerned all at once.  He was worried.  Wasn't that sweet?

        Nick pulled away, putting space between them, and looked out the window.

        Brian got up and walked away from him.

        Good.  Nick swallowed.  Just go.  He watched the screaming fans.  Maybe they'd attack the bus and turn it over and kill him.  Then everyone could leave him with a clear conscience.  It wasn't cheating on him if he was dead, it was just moving on with life.

        Someone sat beside Nick.  Brian, of course.  Bastard always came back.  Wouldn't have to keep coming back if he'd just stay in the first place.

        A sheet of paper appeared between Nick and the window.

        Nick

        Oh, original.  Remembered his name, hunh?  Way to go.

        It left and returned.

        Look at me.

        No.  He was happy staring at the fans.  Nice fans.  That one was kind of cute.  Maybe Nick could get a date later.  He'd never dated anyone Asian.  No, there had been that girl.  Not that that counted as a date.

        What's wrong?

        Nothing.  Nothing was wrong.  It was a beautiful morning.  A beautiful morning when he'd had beautiful sex with beautiful Brian.

        Is it Drew?

        No, Drew was fine.  Drew was fine and far away and having sex with everybody else, all sad and guilty but probably getting over it and starting a whole new threesome with a whole new Nick.

        Brian's hand on his chin.  He jerked away, pushed Brian away without looking.  He didn't need Brian's touch.  He could live without it.  He had before.

        Brian got up and left him.

        Brian didn't come back this time.

        He left behind the piece of paper.

        That was more than he'd left last time.

        JC didn't want to.  He thought that it was way too soon.  There was no way that Justin would be able to perform.

        Lance said that Justin could do anything he wanted.  Justin knew his own limitations.  If he was ready to go back to work, Lance would support him.

        Joey thought that JC was in a bad enough mood without making it worse, so he kept his mouth shut.

        Chris thought that a concert would give him something to do rather than sit and wonder whether Howie was doing AJ.

        Justin slept.

        Nick tried to ignore him.

        "You've been sulking around all day.  Are you mad because Brian won't talk to you?"

        Oh, that was hilarious.

        "Is something...is it Drew?"

        Drew was fine.  Drew was just fine.  Probably making that Neanderthal tingle right now.

        "Nick, the silent treatment is acceptable when you're in fourth grade.  It doesn't work so well when you're twenty-three."

        Great.  Then he'd talk.  He turned, looked Kevin straight in the eye, and said, "Fuck you."  There was so much venom in his voice he shocked himself.

        Kevin didn't even blink.  "Nick, what's wrong?"

        Nick didn't know what to say.

        Kevin smoothed his hair and left him alone.

        "Hi," Jeff said.

        "Can I help you?"

        "You okay?"

        "Yeah."  He thought about it.  "Are you?"

        Jeff smiled.  "Yeah, I'm okay.  You talked to Nick and Brian?"

        "Last night.  They're...they're so supportive."

        "You're very lucky."

        "Yeah."

        Jeff kissed him.  Just a little kiss, finger skimming behind his earlobe and down his jaw.  When Jeff sat back again, there was heat in Drew's groin.

        Drew went back to sleep, slipping into sweet dreams.

        Every muscle and joint ached.  Justin's bones and organs were throbbing with pain.  He wanted to drop to the ground and beg for mercy.  He kept his voice strong to compensate for the fact that he couldn't blink anymore without paying for it.  His skin protested every breath.

        JC had been right.  He couldn't do this.  He needed to take off another five years to heal.

        When the torture chamber released him, Justin crawled into the limo to die.

        A light touch on his shoulder, the better shoulder of the two.  JC.  "I'm so proud of you, baby.  I knew you could do it."

        What the-  "JC, if you were so sure I could do it, why did you say I couldn't?"

        "I didn't want you to.  I knew that you could.  But I don't like to see you hurting."

        "But you knew I could do it."

        "Yes."

        He opened his eyes to check.  Yeah, JC was telling the truth.  "JC, don't take this the wrong way, but I love you."

        "I know you, Justin."  There was something so...so strong in JC's eyes...  "I never doubt you."

        "You think I can do anything," Justin said, trying to understand, grasping at the edges of it.

        JC's touch was very gentle.  "Yes."

        No, she was talking to Brian.  Brian couldn't talk.  Brian's voice didn't work.  But Brian's hands sure worked, since they were touching her.  Brian was touching her.

        Brian loves you.  Brian loves you.  Brian loves you.  He always has and he always will.  He's married to Drew.  He would never be with anyone else.

        But...

        But Drew was with someone else.  Why couldn't Brian be?

        But Brian had left him once.  Brian could do it again.

        But Brian was bi.  He probably had needs that Nick couldn't fulfill.  Urges towards women.

        God damn it, Brian didn't have an urge that Nick couldn't take care of.

        And if she didn't get her scaly hands off of Nick's man, there was going to be a problem here.

        Oh!  That - - Houston, we have a problem.

        Incest.  Adultery.

        Sometimes he thought that he was a loving person who saw through society's boundaries.

        Sometimes he thought that he was oversexed and going to hell.

        He missed Brian's warmth and Nick's heat.

        It wasn't that he missed Nick and Brian and was trying to substitute Nick and Jeff for them.  That made no sense, any way he looked at it.  So that couldn't be it.

        He loved four people in four different ways.  His husband, his brother, his brother-in-law, and his very first love.

        Without Nick, he wouldn't have any of this.  He wouldn't have these deep loves, he wouldn't have these multi-colored relationships, he wouldn't have these passions.  He wanted to be with Nick now, but he couldn't.  And he wanted to hear Nick's voice tonight, but Nick wouldn't answer the phone.

        Brian crawled into bed behind him, warm and probably naked, and kissed his shoulder, leaned over and kissed his cheek, soft little kisses, all tempting and sweet.  No, not totally naked, those were boxers brushing his ass.

        Brian leaned in close and kissed his shoulder again and tried to hand him a phone.

        "Get off of me, bitch!  I'm not calling him for you!"

        In a second, he was on his back and Brian was on top of him.  He tried to push Brian off, and Brian tried to grab his chin to look at him and hold him still, and he struggled, and he, he, oh, holy shit, no, he hadn't meant to do that.

        Brian looked at him very slowly.

        His voice didn't work.

        Brian left him.

        "Go to sleep."

        "Are you awake?"

        "Go to sleep."

        "I want to ask you something."

        "Go to sleep."

        "I don't understand how your libido works."

        "Go to sleep."

        "Half the time you're all over me.  You want me twenty-four hours a day, you can turn on sex in half a second."

        "Go to sleep."

        "But you can turn it off, too.  It is mental?  You've decided that we're not going to have sex, so you turn off your sex drive?"

        "Go to sleep."

        "I can't do that.  I want you.  I want you to suck my cock."

        "Go to sleep."

        "If you don't do me, I'm going to jerk off."

        "Go to sleep."

        "A perfectly good orgasm wasted."

        "Go to sleep."

        "I'm never going to get laid again, am I?  You're on a new abstinence kick, and I have to suffer for it."

        "Go to sleep."

        "If I'm healthy enough to go back onstage, I'm healthy enough for you to blow me."

        "Go to sleep."

        "You're different now.  You don't touch me anymore."

        "I'm touching you."

        "It's not the same.  I miss you, JC."

        Soft, low.  "I miss you too, baby."

        "Why won't you touch me?"

        "I don't want to hurt you."

        "You won't.  Your touch doesn't hurt me."

        "I've already hurt you so much."

        Justin found JC's hand and laced their fingers.  He looked into JC's blue eyes.  "I can wait as long as I know you'll do it.  If you're going to stay away from me, if you're not coming back, I need to know."

        "Just a few more days."

        "Okay."

        JC gently disengaged their hands.

        Brian came back into the room.

        Standing by the bed, he picked up Nick's phone and dialed in the darkness.  He waited.  He handed the phone to Nick and left.

        "Hello?  Hello?"

        "Drew?" Nick asked.

        "Nick?  What time is it there?"

        "Drew, I..."

        "What's wrong?"

        "Nothing."

        "Nick?  Talk to me.  Are you okay?"

        "It's nothing.  I didn't mean to bother you."  He hung up the phone.  "I'm sorry."  He turned off the ringer and rolled over, alone.

        Brian moved away from AJ's touch.

        "You okay?" Howie asked.  "Did...someone did that to you?"

        "No, he walked into a wall," AJ said.  "Who did this to you?  You went out brawling?"

        "It was an accident," Kevin said.  "Sit down, children."

        "An accident?" Howie repeated.  "What kind of accident-"

        "Sit down," Kevin said.  "Leave Brian alone."

        "Leave him alone?" AJ asked.  "Excuse me, am I not the man's close personal friend?  I want to know the when, where, and wherefores here.  Starting with who did this and where Nick is."

        "Where is Nick?" Howie asked.

        "Do we need to bail him out of jail for defending B-Rok's honor?" AJ asked.

        "Sit down and shut up," Kevin said.  "The official word is no comment."

        "Make-up won't hide it enough," AJ said.  "It'll hit the press, and Drew's gonna hear.  You'd better tell him."

        "You didn't tell him already?" Howie asked.

        Nick stepped onto the bus.

        Brian walked away from him.

        Howie frowned.  "No way."

        "What?" AJ asked.

        Howie pushed past AJ and walked to Nick in the aisle.  "Tell me you didn't hit Brian."

        "He wouldn't hit Brian, what are you-"

        "You hit Brian," Howie said.  "Who the hell do you think you are?"

        "Howie," AJ said.

        "You don't hit-"

        "Howie!  We know.  He knows.  It's okay."

        "It is not okay," Howie said viciously.  "If you even-"

        "He won't do it again," AJ said.  "It won't happen again."

        "You don't know that," Howie said.

        "This is Nick," AJ said.  "He's not...he's not like that."

        "Do you have anything to say for yourself?" Howie asked Nick.

        Nick pushed Howie out of his way.  Hard.  It was easier than he'd expected.  "Fuck off, D."

        Silence.  Slowly, Howie said, "You don't deserve them."  Howie walked away from him.

        "I'm never defending you again," AJ said.

        "Good.  I don't need you," Nick said.  "Bitch."

        Kevin dragged AJ back before AJ could do anything.  "What's wrong with you?!" he demanded of Nick.  "First everything was great, yesterday you were sulking, and now you're acting like a violent jerk!  What happened between then and now?  What are you - - you're hitting Brian?  When Kelly told me-"

        "Kelly?"

        "After you went off last night, he went to her.  She rounded up an icepack and-"

        "Can you leave me alone?"

        "Nick-"

        "Leave me the fuck alone or I'll kill you right now."

        Kevin left.

        Nick stared very hard out of the window.

        Justin smiled, flashing his teeth.  "That's the way it should be."

        "It's amazing how fortunate you were in your recovery.  It could have been much more serious."

        Behind them, on a large screen, was a slow-motion replay of Justin's fall.  They didn't look.  "Yes," Justin said.  "It could have been a lot worse.  I know how lucky I am.  I thank God for being with me and blessing me.  And I want to thank all of the fans for their sympathy cards, their support.  That means a lot."

        "JC, what did you think when you saw Justin fall?"

        Justin tried not to tense visibly.  He didn't dare look.  He knew JC wanted to kill her for daring to ask.

        "It all happened so fast it's hard to remember," JC said.

        Footage of JC actually trying to climb down the pillar before hurtling to the stage; he hit the ground running, racing to Justin's still form.  "You risked your own safety to get to Justin's side."

        "I didn't think about it," JC said.  "I just wanted to get to him."

        Lance moved in smoothly, making much better copy.  Justin wanted to look at JC, to take JC's hand, but he didn't.  JC was too tense beside him.

        She hadn't asked anything atypical.  Justin had expected those questions, had known that they'd be asked about those things.  But it was a vulnerable time right now, and JC's pain wasn't for public consumption.

        When the interview ended and they were getting ready to hit the road, JC made it very clear that he was not to be asked about that again.  "Tomorrow morning, you make sure those questions are off the list."

        "JC-"

        "No.  They can ask about the tour, the album, the music, the shows, and Justin's recovery.  But they are not asking how I felt seeing my life die."

        Silence.

        No one moved.

        "All right," came the quiet answer.  "I'll make sure of it."

        "Nick, it's Drew.  What's wrong?  What was that?  Please answer the phone.  Are you all right?  Did something happen?  You know you can call me any time, talk to me any time, you're never bothering me."

        "It's Drew.  Again.  Just wanted to get in touch.  Tell me you're okay.  That call last night scared me.  I love you.  You know you can tell me anything."

        "Nick, just one more thing.  I really want to talk to you about something.  But I want to do it in person.  It doesn't feel right leaving a message in your voice mail.  And I need time to decide how to say it, too.  Kiss Brian for me."

        Nick dialed and hung up.  Dialed and hung up.  Let the phone ring once before hanging up quickly.  He couldn't talk to Drew.  He didn't have anything to say.  "I'm upset that you're screwing your brother, so I hit your husband.  Sorry."

        JC had thought that he was dead.  Dead.  Dead.  Gone.  Gone forever.

        Justin had known that JC had felt pain and fear and horror.  But he hadn't known that JC had thought the worst, the very worst.

        He'd known that JC's present distance from him was a reaction to that fear.  JC had almost lost him in that fall.  When JC was ready, Justin was prepared to face all-new hyperbolic proclamations of love, accompanied by a sexual marathon.  It was just taking JC a few days to be ready for that, to recover from the fall emotionally while Justin recovered physically.

        Justin wanted that love.  He'd almost died, and he'd been terrified.  The fall itself.  Lying there in the too-quiet stadium, certain that his career, his life as he knew it, had ended.  Wondering whether JC would love him as much if he weren't in perfect health.  Would the fans still care?  Would his friends still be his friends if he weren't the Justin Timberlake (Chasez)?  Would he still be JC's baby if he was in a wheelchair?

        He needed JC's reassurance.  And he knew that JC would give it.  He could wait.

        He could give some, too.

        "I know who this is.  I know who you are."

        "Nick?"

        "I made you who you are.  Drew Carter Littrell Lachey.  You wouldn't be him if it weren't for me."

        "Are you...you're...you're drunk.  Nick-"

        "You always were the smart one, weren't you?  Brian, he's the pretty one.  Me, I'm the other one, the one you used and then-"

        "Nick, is-"

        "You shut up!  Shut up!  I don't...I don't want to hear what you have to say.  If you have something to say, you go say it to Nick.  The other Nick, the real Nick.  He's the one you want.  He's the one who matters, he's the one you're in love with.  Or Brian, your sweet precious Brian, your husband! The one you married!"

        "Nick-"

        "He was mine, you know.  He used to be mine, all mine, I had him first.  But I couldn't keep him, I wasn't good enough, he didn't need me anymore.  He didn't need me.  Then I got you.  Then he came back.  Because it was new and different and sexy.  I wasn't good enough, but I had you, so I was worth his time again, as long as I had you.  But I don't have you anymore.  And I don't have him anymore."

        "Nick-"

        "Shut up! I hate you!  You ruined my life, you ruined everything.  I thought I could, I thought, but no, never, I can't...  There's no...  You ruined everything.  Why did you have to do that?  Why couldn't you just leave me alone?  I didn't have to fall in love with you, I didn't...  I didn't...  I hate you, but it's okay, you still have Nick, you can be with him."

        "Nick, please-"

        "I hate you!  I hate you!  I never should have tried, never should have pretended, never should have touched you.  I knew you were too good for me, I knew it couldn't last, I knew you'd leave me.  But you couldn't just leave me, could you?  You gave me a home and a family and Brian and everything, I had everything, it was perfect, it was so perfect.  And now it's all gone, I don't have anything, I don't even know, know...  I never should have been with you.  I never should have showed you and taught you and, and, and your sexual awakening, I hate it, I should have let you sleep...  I just want to go to sleep..."

        "Nick.  Nick, where's Brian?"

        "I don't know.  He's not here anymore.  He left.  He's gone now."

        "Find him.  Go find him for me right now.  Please."

        "I hate you."

        "I know, Nick, it's okay.  Please get Brian.  Where are you?  Are you in your hotel room?"

        "It's dark."

        "Do you know where your room key is?"

        "I don't...I don't care."

        "Nick, get your key.  It's under the TV.  Get the key and go out into the hallway.  Is the hallway empty?"

        "Wait, wait, wait.  Wait.  Wait.  Wait.  There's nobody here."

        "Okay.  Do you know which room is Brian's?"

        "He's...he's...he's in Kevin's room.  Kevin's in AJ's room.  AJ's in Howie's room."

        "Where's Howie?"

        "He's fucking AJ.  You want me to go see?"

        "No.  Go find Brian.  Knock on Brian's door.  Don't wake up anybody else.  Are you being quiet?"

        "How can I wake up Brian if I'm not waking up anybody?  Knock knock knock knock, wake up, Brian, it's room service.  I hate you, Drew.  I never should have taught you how to suck cock.  Now you're - - hey!"

        "Nick?"

        "Look, Drew, look, can you see it?  I hit Brian.  I hit him and there's a big, ugly bruise right there.  Look, look."

        "Nick, please give Brian the phone."

        "No.  He can't have you."

        "Please, Nick."

        "No!  No!  No!  No, you took everything, you stole everything, everything I had, you left me once and you left me again and you took Drew from me and you hurt me and you can't anymore, I don't have anything left for you, you can't have anything else!  Everything I had!  Both of you!  I hate both of you!  You gave me everything and took it all away again, I gave you everything I had and it was never enough, I'll never be good enough, why did you-..."

        "Nick?  Nick!  Nick, what happened?  Brian?  Hello?"

        "What are you doing?  Brian.  No.  You can't do that to me anymore.  Why are you doing this to me?"

        "Nick?  Nick?  Brian?"

        "I hear Drew's voice.  Do you want to talk to him?  You can't talk.  Do you want me to talk to him?  Okay.  What should I say?  Okay.  Drew, I love you.  Brian loves you.  I'm going to sleep now.  Brian's...so...pretty..."

        Rehearsal sucked.

        Justin wanted his limbs to fall off and leave him alone.

        Then Nick called.

        They talked for three hours and only stopped because Nick had to work.  Justin wasn't really great at giving advice or anything, but Nick didn't want advice.  Nick just needed to talk to somebody.  So did Justin.  It worked out pretty well.  They talked to each other, and they listened to each other, and that alone made them feel better when they hung up their phones.

        "What's up?" Joey asked.

        "Nick Carter has serious problems."

        "I know.  Have you looked at his hair?"

        Justin smacked Joey.  "I was talking about his love life.  Or his...his personality, I guess."

        "That makes what I said sound downright kind."

        "No!  I mean, I didn't mean...never mind.  It's weird," Justin said.  "Nick doesn't even like himself.  And I know someone who...sort of has the opposite thing happening."

        "What's the word for that?" Joey asked.  "Self-love.  It's one of those Greek gods."

        "Narcissus," JC said, sitting beside Justin.  "Narcissism."

        "Trust you to know that," Joey said.  "I think Justin's talking about you."

        "I'm not narcissistic," JC said.

        Joey laughed.  "It's okay, JC.  We all love you.  You might as well love you, too."

        Justin was remembering JC's proof of self-love.  That night.  That...that gorgeous, intimate act.  JC making love to JC as only JC could.  It had begun as a performance for Justin, but in the end, JC had been alone with himself, and Justin had been an intruder.

        It had felt like something that he never should have seen.  Something that never should have happened.  But it had happened, and he had seen it.

        The fine tremble in JC's hand.  The haunted shame hidden in JC's eyes.

        There wasn't much that shamed JC.  As far as Justin had known, nothing could shame JC.  Nothing done in the name of sex or love, anyway.  But that night, that act, had made  JC ashamed and guilty.  Of himself, of what he had done.

        Justin had masturbated before, of course.  Alone and in front of JC.  He'd finger-fucked himself in front of JC.  It didn't embarrass him anymore, not like that.  He didn't have anything to hide.

        Then again, he'd never taken it to that level.  He'd never gone so deeply into himself that...that...what had it been like for JC?  What had that felt like, what had JC been thinking?

        Justin wanted to know.

        Could he ask?

        The photograph caught his eye first.  Not quite as clear as he would have liked to do Brian justice, but there was no mistaking it.  That was Brian.  That was Brian's face.  That was a bruise.

        His hair looked lighter, and his face looked thinner, and AJ was behind him.

        And there was a bruise.

        From Nick.  From violence.  Nick had done that to Brian.  Nick had hit Brian.

        His Brian.  That was his Brian.  Someone had hurt his Brian.

        Not just someone, not just anyone.  Nick.  Nick who loved Brian.  Nick, the only person on the planet as devoted to Brian as he was.

        Why?  Why?  Nick wouldn't just turn around and smack Brian for no reason at all.  Something had happened.  Something was wrong.

        Nick was drinking and yelling at him and abandoned and scared.  And not answering the phone.

        He hadn't known.  Nick had encouraged him to explore his issues with his brother.  Nick had been supportive, had pushed him.  He'd had his own deep fears, but he hadn't known that Nick had some, too.

        If he'd known, he wouldn't have done it.  He wouldn't have.  He certainly wouldn't do it now.

        Nick would understand.

        He hoped that Nick would, too.

        Brian kissed his lips softly and stroked his cheek.

        He closed his eyes.  He couldn't bear to look at Brian right now.  That beautiful face with those kind eyes.  Poetry was pouring out of Brian's soul, and he didn't want to read it in those blue depths.

        Brian's thumb ghosted over his lips.  Brian kissed him again.  Fingers stroked down his nose and pushed back his bangs and brushed his temple.  Another kiss.  He could almost hear the "I love you."

        He opened his eyes again.  He knew that he looked miserable.  He didn't care.

        Brian's forefinger wrote "Drew" on Nick's arm.

        "No," Nick said.

        Brian touched Nick's lips, then his own.

        "I know you want to talk to him, but I can't."

        Brian pointed to himself.

        "Brian...  Get Kevin to do it for you."

        Brian frowned at him.

        "I know, you don't want Kevin in on what's private between us."  Us.  Us.  There was an us.  He was part of an us.  "I can't talk to him.  I don't want to talk to you, either, but you won't leave me alone."

        Brian smiled and touched Nick's chest.

        "Don't get all metaphoric on me."

        Brian kissed him and handed him a phone.

        "He's busy."

        Brian waited.

        "I don't want to talk to him."

        Brian waited.

        "He's mad at me."

        Brian waited.

        Nick dialed.

        "Hello, this is Drew."

        "This is Brian.  I want to talk to you.  About last night."

        "Nick?"

        "This is Brian.  Nick is an idiot.  No, Nick is stupid.  No, Nick is...what?  What is that?  Oh.  Forget all of that.  Nick is a misguided fool.  You spelled 'misguided' wrong.  What, I'm just saying."

        "You sound better."

        "Nick is a misguided fool.  He doesn't realize how much we love him.  We can tell him every day but it does no good unless he believes us.  We need to show him that he's the most important thing that we share.  Wait, what does that mean?  I thought that the most important thing you shared was your love, or your marriage, or something."

        "Nick, you are our love."

        "You know you both said exactly the same thing.  Well, you wrote it and you said it.  But it's exactly the same thing.  Is that...um...do you...I'm your love?  Oh."

        "Brian, tell Nick that I love him."

        "Wait, I'm Brian, so I have to tell...myself...wait...I'm...hold on.  I'll just say it to you, okay?  I love you."

        "Who loves me?" Drew asked softly.  "Brian or Nick?"

        "I'm, um...Drew...I..."

        "I love you, Nick."

        "I'm so sorry.  I didn't mean anything I said last night."

        "I think you meant everything you said," Drew said.  "We need to talk about that."

        "Not now.  Not now."

        "If we wait until Kendig, will you be all right?"

        "I'm fine."

        "Let me talk to Brian."

        "Here."

        "Brian?  Are you all right?  I'm worried about you.  I'm worried about Nick.  I want to help, I want to do something to help, I want to be there with you.  I feel helpless, the whole way over here, and I don't even understand what's going on, I'm not there to see it for myself.  If I could be there in person...  I love you.  I'm sorry about everything, I'm sorry that this is happening.  Nick's upset and you're being so good to him, I don't know how you can do it.  Your love for him runs so deep...  If we could only make him see...  All right.  We'll work on it.  I can't wait to see you.  I love you.  I miss you.  I don't know how he could do that to you, but I'll try to understand.  Please let me talk to him again."

        "Drew?"

        "Nick, I know that you don't want to talk right now.  We can wait until we're face-to-face.  But I have to tell you some things first.  I love you.  I love you very much.  I love my brother very much, too.  But I can't risk losing you.  I didn't know that it was hurting you like this.  I won't be with him anymore.  I'm sorry that you're upset.  I understand, and I'm sorry, and I never meant to hurt you.  There's a lot that I want to say to you, that I want to talk with you about, but we can wait.  And I  know that this won't help, and I know that you don't need to be told, but I have to say it.  Forgive me."

        Nick braced himself.

        "Nick, don't you ever, ever raise your hand to Brian again."

        Silence.

        "When we get to Kendig, you're going to tell me exactly what happened."

        "Okay," Nick said softly.

        "Please."  Drew closed his eyes.  "Touch his face for me."

        Nick sucked in his breath and his courage.  His fingers grazed the tender flesh of the dark bruise.

        "Look into his eyes."

        Blue raised to blue.

        "Is he beautiful?"

        "Yes."

        "Does he love you?"

        "Yes."

        "I want you to remember this moment for the rest of your life.  Not the phone, not the bruise.  The look in his eyes when you touch his face.  His beauty and his love.  Remember that."

        "Yes."

        "Me, too."

        "I know."

        "You don't know."

        JC made a disgusted sound.

        "Can we talk about narcissism?"

        "No."

        "I thought it was the most amazing thing ever."

        "Good."

        "JC, don't."

        "What?"

        "Your voice is doing that tight thing.  You only do that when you're cornered.  Don't be like that with me."

        "I'm not talking about this."

        "We talk about everything."

        "Not this."

        "You-"

        "Justin.  No."

        "It was...it was-"

        "No."

        "You know that feeling?  That loss of control and that surrender to passion and that giving yourself over to-"

        "No!"

        "I feel that.  I feel that with you.  Now you know what you do to me.  Now you know because you've done it to yourself.  You do that to me."

        "Justin."

        "It's okay."

        "Do I...do I really make you feel like that?"

        "Yes.  Every time."

        "How can you let me?"

        "You're shaking."

        "I've never done that."

        "I know."

        "My body was..."

        "I know.  I saw."

        "Everything was..."

        "I know.  It's okay.  JC, you take me there all of the time.  Why can't you let yourself go there?"

        "I take you there," JC said.  "I take you there and I...I'm in control.  When I did that, I wasn't in control anymore."

        "I can be there for you.  I can be your safety net."

        "No.  There's no...I need that control.  I need to know that I'm in charge of what happens to me.  When we're together, sometimes you're...but it's always...I can take it back if I need to, if I want to.  We can trade.  When I, if I, there was...there's no control there.  There's no way to get back.  It's overwhelming."

        "JC, baby, it's okay."

        "I can't do that again."

        "Will you let me do it to you?"

        "No."

        "You don't trust me."

        "I don't trust myself."

        "Wait, wait."  Nick pulled back and looked at him.  "What..."

        Brian propped his elbow on his pillow and waited.

        "I ignored you and pushed you away and was totally rude to you, and I hit you, Brian, I hit you, I've never, and you...  Why are you..."

        Brian's thumb smoothed the frown lines creasing Nick's brow.

        "I know you love me and everything, but I've been acting like a jackass."

        Brian agreed.  His finger traced "W-H-Y" on the shirt over Nick's chest.

        Nick avoided Brian's gaze.  "Nothing."

        Brian poked him.

        "Nothing.  There was no reason.  Just stress, I guess.  I overreacted, I'm worried about Drew, there's...  I just acted...  There's no reason."

        Brian's hand was warm on his skin, turning his face back to Brian's.

        "You want to have sex?" Nick asked.

        Brian shook his head.

        "Yeah.  I didn't...I didn't think you would."

        Brian drew a heart on Nick's chest.  Then he made a very rude gesture.

        "Oh!  Oh.  Okay.  Right.  Make love.  You want to make love.  Sorry.  Forgot who I was talking to."  Nick tried to keep the half-panicked relief from his voice.  "You know, you used to call it fucking and screwing.  What happened?"

        Brian stroked Nick's chest and kissed him.

        He'd been afraid.  He'd been angry.  He'd been worried.  He'd been upset.  Now, in Brian's embrace, against Brian's body, feeling Brian's touch, lost in Brian's kiss, his heart warmed; his body heated; his fears melted and evaporated.

        He'd acted like a violent jerk, and Brian had forgiven him.  He'd said shit to Drew, and Brian had forgiven him.  Brian loved him.  Love heated every touch; love sparked the burning in his blood; love ached between his thighs.

        Brian knew him, knew him well.  Loved him, loved him well.  How could he doubt?  How could he lack faith in this love, in this man, as his body opened and his heart soared and his pleasure throbbed.

        He'd never doubt again.

        Anyone who did this to him would never leave him and let him exist without it.

        "Disappointed," Jeff said.  "It's sort of like grief, isn't it?  More than disappointment.  You had something, you finally were getting what you wanted, and now it's gone again."

        "We had something," Nick corrected.

        "Yeah.  We had something," Jeff said.  "We still have it.  He still loves us."

        "Nick doesn't want us to."

        "Don't.  Don't get bitter.  I know you understand."

        "He's jealous.  I can't - - I thought that he understood.  I can't believe he's taking this away from us.  From Drew.  If he'd seen...if he knew how Drew felt, if he respected-"

        "He knows how Drew feels about you," Jeff said.  "He knows.  He doesn't know how Drew feels about him."

        "What?"

        "You don't know how insecure he is, do you?"

        "Insecure?  Nick Carter?  Have you met him?  Anyone who comes onto you in front of me and his lovers is not insecure."

        "You think you're so intimidating."

        "I am."

        Jeff let that one slide.  "You're mistaking openness for arrogance.  Nick's very honest.  He's direct.  He doesn't have the same internal censor that the rest of us have developed."

        "I noticed."

        "But he's afraid.  Even with all of that, he's afraid to be himself.  He's afraid that if we really know him, we won't love him.  He's afraid that Brian and Drew will leave him."

        "Leave him?  Drew can't stay away from him.  He has the most devoted...leave him?"

        Jeff met Nick's eyes.  "Do you love him?"

        Nick tried to avoid the gaze, the question.  Finally, "Yes."

        "I think that it would help him to know that, don't you?"

        "It's not my job to boost his ego."

        "If you love him, it's your job to help him."

        "What about you?"

        "I'm already planning my strategy."

        Nick looked at him.  "That worries me."

        Jeff smiled.  "It should."

        He should have known better.  He should have known better.

        He knew better now.  He wouldn't let his guard down again.

        Last night, Brian had made love to him, and he'd believed again.  He'd fallen asleep secure in the knowledge that Brian loved him, safe with the assurance that he'd waken with Brian in his arms.

        He wasn't safe.  His heart wasn't safe.

        But he could protect it.  He would.  From Brian.  From Drew.  From pretty eyes and pretty promises.  He wouldn't let himself be hurt again.

        He watched her fingers run over Brian's cheek.  That bruise.  Guilt stabbed Nick, made his vision swim.

        And then he reminded himself, with grim bitterness, that Brian had done a lot more damage to him.

        Brian had made love to him last night.

        Brian didn't need to speak to be a lying bastard.

        "Why do you keep calling?" AJ asked.  "You know he's not going to pick up for you."

        Howie thrust the phone at AJ.  "Leave a message."

        "What?  I'm leaving your boy messages?"  Howie was leaving without an answer.  AJ shrugged.  "Hey, Chris, it's AJ.  You might want to call Howie.  He's looking pretty pissed.  Have a good day.  Tell Lance I want his ass."  He hung up and caught Kevin looking at him.  "What now?"

        "How can you be this casual?" Kevin asked.  "Does your arrogance have no bounds?"

        "Nope."

        "You're cheating on Lance and betraying Chris and you can leave a message like that?  Don't you have any guilt?"

        "You don't know what I have," AJ said.  "You don't know what's in my heart.  Don't you dare judge me."

        "Explain it to me.  Impress me with the contents of your soul."

        "My soul?  You want to talk about my soul?  My soul belongs to my God.  To me.  And you know what?  If you want to start judging its contents, you'd better talk to Lance, because I handed it over to him long ago."

        "You're cheating on him."

        "With Howie.  Not with some groupie I picked up, not with some random guy, not with some French supermodel.  With Howie."

        "That makes a difference?"

        "Yes.  It makes a hell of a big difference.  And if you don't see that, if you don't understand that, you do not belong in the Backstreet Boys."

        "No," Justin said.  "We've been off for days, we gotta get it back."

        Chris nodded and resumed the position.

        "JC, stop looking at me," Justin said.  "No one's coming to these concerts to watch you staring holes in my back."

        "I know I'd pay to watch that," Chris said.

        "No, if we're paying money, they'd better do a lot more than look at each other," Joey said.  "I want to see some action."

        "Guys," Lance said.

        "I'd pay up to fifty bucks," Joey said.

        "Seventy-five if they get really nasty," Chris said.

        "A hundred if they go all the way."

        "You have no idea," Justin said.  "The way we do it, it's worth a cool mil at least."

        "Now I really want to see," Chris said.

        "Over my-" JC stopped himself.

        There was a brief silence.

        "Can we take a break?" Justin asked.  "Just for a second."  He breathed softly and went to get his water bottle.  JC watched him rub his forehead tiredly.

        His laughter sounded flat.

        He kept a physical distance, which was atypical of Nick, who thrived on physical affection and never had understood the concept of personal space.

        But he was pretending that everything was all right.

        That was what worried Brian the most.  When Nick was upset, Nick was upset, and he let people know it.  Right now, he was acting like everything was fine and normal.  Nick never did that.

        Brian didn't like this development at all.  He preferred a hurt, angry Nick to act hurt and angry.  This false calm was painful to see.

        He still didn't understand what was wrong.  Nick wouldn't tell him.  There was more to it than Drew's relationship with the other Nick.  There was something about him, too.  Had he done something?  Said something?  He couldn't remember doing anything hurtful to Nick, but Nick was upset...

        As attractive as that sullen pout had been on Nick, those dead smiles were ghastly.  Brian had to get to the bottom of this problem.

        "I know," Joey said.  "Okay, you have a better reason than I do.  I still want to get there."

        "I downloaded that clip from Tuesday night.  AJ looked so good."

        "Careful.  Don't go cranking a big one in front of us."

        Lance laughed.  "Don't worry.  I'll control myself.  But he really did look good.  He has such great presence onstage."

        "Ah, yes," Joey said.  "It's a gift."

        "One you don't have."

        "I was hoping you'd refrain from mentioning that."

        "Sorry."

        "JC and Justin should have a good time in Kendig," Joey said.  "I think Justin's hoping he'll finally get some."

        "They're...what, not at all?  I thought that were at least doing...something."

        "Nada, zilch, zip," Joey said.  "They're not even making with the kissy-kissy."

        "And how do you know this?"

        "Justin asked me if I'd kiss him."

        Lance laughed in disbelief.  "And?"

        "I planted a big wet one on him."

        "You didn't!  Joey!"

        "What?"

        "You seem to have all of your limbs; JC must not have seen you."

        "He said if I ever kissed Justin again, he was going to slip me the tongue.  And, okay, no thanks.  So, hands and lips to myself from now on."

        "I can't believe you kissed Justin."

        "What?  He has a cute mouth.  It's just Justin."

        "You're straight."

        "Yeah."

        "Just checking."

        "So it's okay if you kiss him?"

        "I'm not kissing him!"

        "You're bi, you're allowed."

        "I'm not JC."

        "True.  Justin wouldn't appreciate your substandard technique."

        "Substandard!"

        "The truth hurts, doesn't it?"

        "Your face is going to hurt in another minute."

        "Nice boy turns vicious," Joey said.  "Sensitive about your inexperience, are you?"

        "I'm not sensitive about anything!  And I'm not inexperienced!  I have plenty of experience!"

        "With AJ."

        "That counts!"

        "He's good, isn't he?"

        "Yeah."

        "He looks like he'd be good in bed."

        "Joey!"

        "What?"

        "What is wrong with you today?"

        "JC's looking pretty stable.  I guess I'm taking up the slack."

        "Talking about me again?" JC asked, joining them.

        "Lance wants to kiss Justin," Joey said.

        "He's sleeping now," JC said.  "Try him later."

        Lance stared.

        Joey winked.

        "Hey," Drew said.

        "You okay?"

        "Yeah."

        "Brian feeling better?"

        "I don't think so.  He still can't talk.  And he's worried about Nick, so he's not taking care of himself."

        "You have to take care of yourself first," Justin said.  "If you don't have what you need to be happy, you won't be good for anyone else."

        "Yeah."

        "You're not absorbing my pearls of wisdom, are you?"

        "Sorry.  I'm just...distracted."

        Justin smiled.  "It's okay.  I'm trying to say that you need to decide what you need to be happy, and what you can go without.  You'd be surprised at what you can live without.  And you'd be surprised at how badly you need other things."

        Drew's mind drifted to the back of the bus, where Nick and Jeff slept.

        "Anyway.  I got something for you."  Justin handed him something and left.

        Drew looked.  Tilted it, eyes widening.  A clear glass vial filled with glitter.  Gold, blue, and purple intermixed.  The shining flakes mingled.  Even if he broke the glass and they all spilled out, he'd never be able to separate them thoroughly.

        "Yeah," Justin said, yawning, easing himself onto the sofa.  "I'm still on the handle with care list, but I can breathe and everything."

        "Lance wants to kiss you," Joey said.

        "I do not," Lance said.

        "I wish somebody did," Justin said, casting a dark glance towards JC.

        "How can anyone not want you?" Joey asked.

        "Funny how no one ever asks me that question," Chris said.

        "Yeah, funny," Joey said.  "It's a real mystery."

        "Come on, Chris, you can do me," Justin said.

        "He has Howie," Lance said.

        "Does that mean you won't do me, either?  Come on, AJ won't care."

        "Sorry," Lance said.

        "Guess that leaves you," Justin told Joey.

        "Lucky me," Joey said.  "You're going on the bottom."

        "Sure, Joey, pretend to be a real man," Chris said.

        "JC, how much would you pay to see Joey do me?" Justin asked.

        "Why pay someone else to do it when I can do it myself for free?" JC asked.

        Silence.  Justin had not taken that comment well.  Maybe it was the stress of his physical condition; maybe it was the on-and-off tension between himself and JC; maybe it was JC's tone.  "I am not your whore."

        "I never said that you were," JC said.  He was writing something, and he sounded almost bored.  He didn't bother to look at Justin.

        "You're a bastard, JC.  I am not your whore.  We're married.  I wish just once you'd show me some respect."

        "Don't swear at me."

        "Don't tell me what to say!"

        "I'll show you some respect when you act like a mature human being who deserves some."

        "You think I don't deserve respect?  You think I haven't earned it?"

        "Do you want to hear what I think you've earned?"

        "No," Joey said.

        "You're not getting into this," Chris said.  "JC, get out."

        "I want to hear what he has to say," Justin said.  "Go ahead, JC.  What do you think I've earned?"

        "Did you know," and JC's eyes lifted, looking at them, "that Justin is such a slut that he can come just from being fucked?"  He spoke slowly and clearly.  "You don't even have to touch his cock."  His gaze locked with Justin's.

        "JC, go to hell," Joey said.

        Justin was red with shame and anger.  How dare JC.  How dare he!

        JC's eyes stayed on Justin.  It was a challenge.

        Justin refused.  He wouldn't.  He wouldn't.

        "Get out," Chris told JC.  "You've said what you had to say."

        JC, his smirk evening into a calm half-smile, rose and went to the front of the bus.

        "What is wrong with him?" Lance demanded.  "He never treats you like that!"

        "I think he's cracking up," Joey said.

        "Justin, I'm sorry," Chris said.

        "Where are you going?" Joey asked.

        Without replying, Justin walked after JC.  He found JC standing by the bunks.  "What is wrong with you?  You're so twisted I don't even know how your mind works.  What was that?  What are you trying to prove?  That my body's hot for you?  They know that."

        Wetness shimmered in JC's eyes.

        "Oh, JC.  Come on, no.  I didn't...you don't have to..."

        "I'm sorry," JC whispered.

        "What were you trying to do?  You wanted me to tell them?  You know I won't.  I wouldn't do that.  That's private, that's between us."

        "I know."

        "I can't believe you told them that.  You never...you never say anything like that.  You never talk like that, about me, and you never use that word for us, and..."

        "I know, Justin, I'm sorry."

        "You're so freaked right now.  I flipped out and I fell and then you...got narcissistic...and you're on the run from me so fast and so hard, JC.  You don't have to be."

        "I need...a little time."

        "To what?  Scare yourself some more?  You promised to be with me.  Stay and be with me."

        "I'm here with you."

        "No, you're not."

        "I'm sorry, Justin."

        "Don't ever do that again."

        "I won't.  That was wrong.  To talk about you like that.  To hurt you.  To tell them, anyone, about...about what happens between us."

        "I can't believe you said it."

        "I know.  I'm sorry."

        "I miss you, JC."

        "I know."

        Nick offered with a casual, "Wanna screw me?"  But it wasn't his usual tone of voice, it was jaded and disgusted beneath the smile, so Brian said no and went to sleep.

        He'd work on it.  He'd figure out what was wrong, and he'd fix it.  He couldn't let Nick continue like this.  He wanted his Nick back.

        Maybe Drew could help.  He'd never thought that Nick would lie to him.  He'd been proven wrong, obviously.  But he was certain, too, that Nick would never lie to Drew.  Between the two of them, they could help Nick.

        Nick had taught him about love and forgiveness.  He'd used those lessons himself these past few days.  Nick had shown him a lot of things about life, a lot of new ways to look at things that he'd taken for granted.  There was a directness about Nick that he loved, and he'd never wanted to see that distorted.

        Nick put his hand to Jeff's chest, thumb rubbing admiringly over one heavy pec.  "Jeff," he said softly.  "Jeff."

        Jeff crawled right on top of Nick, pushing him onto his back, sleeping comfortably atop him.

        Now Nick couldn't breathe.  Great.

        Jeff scooted up a bit, thigh dropping to one side, cock nestled up to Nick's, hair soft against Nick's jaw.

        Breathing was overrated, anyway.  Nick ran his hand down Jeff's back.  His touch went farther south than was strictly necessary.

        "Stop groping me and let me sleep," Jeff mumbled.

        "Sorry."

        "Sok," Jeff said, which was supposed to be, "It's okay," and went back to sleep.

        Nick waited until Jeff was deeply asleep.  Then, carefully, he eased Jeff's bulk off to one side.  When Jeff was off of him, he stroked his hand over Jeff's chest again.

        Jeff rolled right until he collided with Nick.  Pushing his thigh between Nick's, he got up close and personal, his breath warm on Nick's chest.

        Nick, giving in to his more carnal impulses, bent his knee and hiked his hips an inch or so.  Oh, right there.  Yes.  That hit the...spot...

        Jeff sighed softly into his dreams.

        Nick's hand rubbed the small of Jeff's back.  Ever so innocently, ever so subtly, he guided Jeff's hips in an unconscious, slight grind.

        Jeff started to get hard.  He tried to crawl closer to Nick, but couldn't get any closer than he already was.

        "Jeff," Nick whispered.  Jeff was asleep.  Nick tilted Jeff onto his back again, easing him down gently.  Jeff frowned and reached for Nick, who slid from his grasp.  Then Jeff tried to roll over, but Nick held him still.

        Nick slid down his body and spread his well-muscled thighs.

        Jeff kicked Nick and rolled over, settling on his stomach, hugging his pillow, giving a slight snore.

        Jeff was an uncooperative little jerk.  But Nick couldn't be mad at him, considering the view that this pose offered.  Blue eyes travelled over the quiet calm of Jeff's powerful body, seeking the shadow of tattoo in the darkness.  Broad back, muscular legs, everything coming together to draw Nick's gaze to that tight, round ass.

        Jeff slept, oblivious.

        Maybe if he just...carefully...gently...

        Nick licked his lips.

        Jeff curled his hand around himself and couldn't bite back a slow groan.  His hips wanted to rock forward, closer to Nick.

        A shower.  He'd take a freezing cold shower and subdue the monster.

        Nick reached for him, but he scooted away from Nick's grasp.  He should let Nick sleep.  Nick needed sleep.  It was okay.  He could just, um, just...damn...kiss Nick's nipple for a second...

        Nick sighed and moved closer.

        He spread Nick's thighs.  They fell aside easily, opening for him.  Oh, yeah.  Here we go...

        Nick wakened with the violation of one slick finger.  "Good morning," Jeff said, and chuckled at his moan.  His sense of disorientation lessened when he remembered last night.  He hadn't been able to sleep, so he'd...yes.  Right.  Licked Jeff. Licked Jeff hard and horny.

        Since he'd done things to Jeff while Jeff was unconscious, he couldn't really complain about Jeff starting a lube job without his voiced consent.  Besides which, it was a wonderful thing, to swim towards morning and awareness to the sweet-hot feeling of that violation, that push against his prostate.

        Two fingers, and he was tilting his hips, moaning.  Jeff's fingers twisted and he gave a low groan.  Each stroke of stimulation made his cock remind him of how very hard he was; each soft encouragement from Jeff's lips made his brain lose its grasp on reality one more inch.

        Finally there were no fingers, only intense pressure and incredible fullness and mind-numbing, mind-bending, mind-breaking Jeff, that power, that thrusting, that cock.  His consciousness splintered; his body surged; his throat opened soundlessly.

        He always forgot how bad this part was.  It was overwhelming.  He was drowning.  He couldn't breathe.  He couldn't see.  There was pain chasing the pleasure from his body, forcing itself onto him.

        But Jeff was there.  Jeff eased his pain.  Eased his mind with soft words, eased his body with a gentle movement, eased his racing, aching heart with a slow touch.

        When he was quiet again, when he could take it, Jeff began again.

        The pleasure was shattering.

        "Drew.  It's Brian.  I-"

        "Brian!  Brian?"

        "I got my voice back."

        "You sound great."

        "I'm going to try to rest it, but I just wanted to call you first.  I know it's early-"

        "Don't worry about it.  Are you okay?"

        "Something's going on with Nick.  He's really upset and he's not acting like himself."

        "It's more than just me and Nick, isn't it?"

        "Yeah.  I don't know what it is.  It has something to do with me, but I haven't done anything."

        "I can try to talk to him.  I don't...he's so upset, there's...  If he'd just tell us."

        "I know."

        "It's so good to hear your voice."

        "I miss you."

        "I miss you, too."

        "I have to go.  Call tonight when you get in."

        "I will.  Be good."

        "Love you."

        "I love you."

        Their eyes met.

        Heat simmered.

        "In a second," Lance said.

        Chris looked over his shoulder and saw AJ gyrating across the computer screen.  "You're watching that again?"

        "Look at him," Lance said.  "The way he moves.  His attitude, his presence."

        "And every single person in that arena wants to have sex with him."

        "Lucky me," Lance murmured, staring.  "Look at that.  And listen to him.  He thrives onstage."

        "You do know that there are four other Backstreet Boys," Chris said.

        "Who cares?" Lance asked.  "I want this one."

        "Lance!  Chris!  I'm eating your fries!" Joey shouted.

        "Step away from the fries!" Lance shouted.  He paused the clip and hurried to rescue his food.

        Chris hesitated, looking at AJ.  AJ was all attitude, tattooed arms bared, hips frozen in mid-thrust, one hand near his groin, dark eyes intense with sexual power.

        Why wouldn't Lance want that?  Why wouldn't Howie?  Why wouldn't anyone?

        Chris didn't have that sexual energy.  He didn't have that body, for one thing.  AJ had a more fit, muscular form; his own body was soft, even round in some places.  He didn't have AJ's presence, AJ's intensity.  He was a nice guy who liked to joke around.

        Maybe women liked men with a sense of humor.  But that wasn't the first thing men looked for, he was sure.

        Maybe if he had a better body, Howie would want him.

        Maybe if he were younger.  Or better-looking.  Or sexier.  Or...

        Or maybe if Howie weren't a two-timing bastard.

        Yeah, that could be it.

        Chris looked at the screen.  The man paused there had cheated on Lance.  Was cheating on Lance.  Breaking the heart of his innocent, good best friend.

        He might have forgiven AJ for hurting him.  But he would not forgive AJ for hurting Lance.

        "Nah.  Chris likes it longer."

        "You should make it real long.  Put in extensions."

        "I will if you do."

        AJ laughed.  "You're not serious.  I would look so ridiculous it would be embarrassing.  Not funny.  Humiliating.  Mortifying.  Do you want me to continue?"

        "Oh, well, too bad," Howie said.  "If you won't, I won't."

        "Maybe I should," AJ said.  "As long as it's leaving the front of my head, I might as well get more in the back."

        Howie's fingers traced the edge of AJ's hairline.  "You should dye the ends again."

        "What color this time?"

        "Red was good."

        "Yeah.  I could do that.  I was going to get it cut, but I'm seeing Lance soon.  Want to give him something to run his fingers through."

        "Always thinking of your man."

        "You know it."