Together Part Six

Together, seventh in "Living"

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashers.

Notice: There are six stories that come before this one. Read those first. I'll wait.

Warning: "Together" includes depictions of, discussion of, and references to, consensual incest.

Together we have seen -"The Answer to Our Life"

"Together" Part Six:
You can save me from the man that I've become -"Shape of My Heart"

"I love you, Justin."

By now, that wasn't exactly news. But every time JC said it, Justin felt it. Every time, it meant something. The words, the voice, the depth of emotion in JC's eyes, made Justin feel safe and reassured and whole again.

A gentle kiss, gentle eyes. "I love you, baby. I want to make you feel good."

Justin knew this one. When JC started down that road, Justin knew that good stuff was on its way. JC liked to make him feel good. JC knew how to make him feel good. JC knew how to make it so good...

"Let me make you feel good."

Oh yeah. Justin caught his breath when JC kissed his nipple. "JC."

"What is it, baby? What do you need?"

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to make you feel good, baby. Tell me you want to feel good."

"JC-"

"How do you want to feel, baby?"

"Oh," he said, startled by a new spark of pleasure when JC switched nipples. "So good..."

"That's right," JC said, stroking his ribcage. "I'm going to make you feel so good, Justin, so good you'll come for me."

Justin watched JC lean down, saw JC's tongue extending. That sleek, strong tongue met Justin's flesh and licked over the delineation of his abs. The sight of it alone was enough to make Justin's cock jump behind his jeans.

Speaking of, it was going to get cramped in there.

JC licked Justin's navel.

Very crowded. He was going to have to do something about that. He reached.

JC pushed away his hand and licked down to where his pubic hair started to crawl up onto his stomach.

Justin's head fell back and his hips rose. He loved it when JC sucked his skin, especially there. It made him hard, knowing how close JC was to his cock, knowing that JC wanted to be sucking on him, having JC's suction against his skin. Right there, yeah... He reached down to open his jeans and JC pushed away his hand again.

"JC, come on. You can't leave them on."

"I'll take them off."

"Good."

"If you come for me."

It took a moment for that to register. "You're kidding. JC, no. I'm not, no, I'm not coming in my pants."

"Why not?"

"It's gross. It's disgusting and it's juvenile and I haven't done it since-"

JC smiled.

"Come on, don't make me."

"Do you want me to get you off?"

"Not in my jeans!"

"It's up to you."

"You're sick."

"Yes or no?" JC asked, fingers running up the inside of Justin's thigh.

"JC, please."

JC leaned in to Justin, within kissing distance. "Please, baby. Let me make you feel good," he said softly.

"JC..."

"Tell me I can, Justin, let me. Tell me I can make you feel good."

He gave in and kissed JC. "You'd better make it worth it."

"Don't I always?" JC asked.

Justin wasn't going to answer that. JC was insufferable enough already. It was a rhetorical question, anyway.

JC's hand was rubbing up and down his arm. "I'm going to make love to you tomorrow."

"You'd better."

"I'm going to treat you the way you deserve to be treated."

"How do I deserve to be treated?" Justin asked, just to see what JC's answer would be.

"Like the most beautiful, special, sexual creature in the world," JC said, and kissed him. "You're so beautiful, baby, I love you so much."

"Make love to me now, JC." He wanted to tread lightly and give JC time, but he also wanted JC, missed JC. He wasn't used to living this way. He needed JC.

"Tomorrow, baby," JC promised. "I'll make it good for you. I'll make it up to you."

"You can do it now."

"Oh, baby, you need it," JC said. "I can feel you wanting it. Show me you want it."

Justin spread his thighs, sliding his hand over the aching hardness there. "JC. Please."

"You're beautiful when you're hard for me," JC said, kissing him. "I can help you. I can help you come. I can help you feel good. Let me help you."

"JC..." Oh... "Let me take off my pants."

"Remember last time?" JC asked. He was looking straight into Justin's eyes. "Remember?" He lowered his head, keeping eye contact, lips parting, jaw dropping, tongue sliding forth. "Remember?" He licked a slow path up Justin's chest. "You got so excited you couldn't hold it back anymore. You soaked your pants with it. And then you begged me for more."

"You started it," Justin said. He wanted to sound accusing, but his voice shook.

"Right there on the bus. In the bathroom. You couldn't wait."

"You dragged me in there."

"I wanted to feel you."

"Feel me up."

"Always." JC stroked up Justin's chest, making Justin start to pant. "You were so pretty, Justin. You're so sexy when you get hot."

"I'm sexy all of the...oh...t-time," Justin said, wishing his jeans were looser.

"Yes, you are," JC agreed, licking his collarbone. "Tell me you're sexy."

"I'm sexy," Justin said, closing his eyes, tipping back his head, letting JC kiss his neck.

"Tell me you're pretty, Justin," JC coaxed.

"I'm so pretty," he murmured, running his hand up JC's back, moaning softly when JC sucked on his voicebox.

"Tell me you want me, baby."

"Oh, JC, I want you," he said, letting a slow undulation wash over his body. "Oh, JC..."

"Listen to yourself," JC whispered. "Hear that voice. Can you hear it?"

"JC..."

"It aches, baby, it wants, it needs. You sound so sexy, Justin, you make me so hard."

"I'm so hard, JC," he panted, and slid down on the bed until he ran into JC's knee. JC's thigh. Right there. Oh, yes. Justin rubbed himself against it.

"Justin," JC said softly.

"JC," Justin moaned, eyes closed, knees bent, shoulders pushing into the mattress, back arched, hips creating painful, too-good friction against JC's leg.

"Look at yourself, baby." JC's voice was soft with wonder.

"Oh, JC." He wanted to come now. "J...C..."

"Do you want to come, baby?"

"Yes, yes."

"Are you going to come, Justin?"

"Yes, yes, yes, oh, JC, J...C...J...oh!" He panted, hips slowing and falling still. "Oh." His racing heart began to slow, and his eyes opened.

JC kissed him.

"You owe me," Justin said weakly.

The room was dark. Jeff was asleep. Nick rose from the bed and crept stealthily towards the bed. He twitched back the covers and-

"You even try it and you're sleeping alone for a month."

"Jeff-"

"I don't think you're thinking about what it means to be married to me. I think you're thinking about how you can get some."

"I can't sleep without you."

"You should have thought of that before you got off with somebody else."

"It was Nick."

"That makes it okay?"

"Kind of."

"Sofa!"

"Jeff-"

"There are boundaries, Nick, there are limits. We're not having an orgy. Love Nick, love Brian, love Drew, but keep your orgasms for me."

"I know. I know, I'm..."

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry."

"Good. Go back to your sofa."

"One kiss."

"No."

"Handshake?"

"No."

"The sofa's too small and I can't get comfortable."

"Too bad. Sofa."

Jeans on the floor.

Soft moans in the air.

JC sucked Justin's pubic hair clean.

Lance rolled to his back and sighed mentally. Sighed out loud. It didn't make him feel any better.

He'd always known which girls were trouble. The way they dressed, the way they talked, the way they moved. He'd been taught to stick with the nice girls.

He should've picked Brian. Or Kevin. No, he had to go for AJ.

AJ, the wild child, the one with attitude and flair, the one with extra tattoos and extra piercings and a taste for the crowd.

AJ, who drank and cursed and sixty-nined and always had that edge, that extra bit of danger.

AJ relaxed with Lance. He relaxed and he was friendly and he toned down, grounded himself, acted like the mature human being that he was. AJ wasn't dangerous; he was fun. A lot of fun. He always showed Lance a good time.

Lance was the one AJ called when someone spiked his drink at a club. Lance was the one who stayed on the phone with him until he came down.

Lance had been scared. Scared for AJ. Furious. Worried. And there for AJ, right there the whole time. Even miles away, time zones apart, AJ had called, and he'd answered.

Whom would AJ call now?

Why did Lance care?

Justin hated it when JC did this to him.

He was all naked and spread and begging and trying to get JC to swallow his cock. JC was business-as-usual and completely dressed. JC always did this to him, got some weird thrill out of Justin's complete surrender, liked being smooth and dressed while Justin was bare-ass naked.

JC was supposed to be getting him off, but seemed to be having a lot more fun torturing him. If JC licked around the base of his cock and detoured to his balls one more time, instead of going up to the head and sucking him off like any normal person would, he was going to take matters into his own hands.

Masturbation.

JC licked up his cock.

Self-love.

His body was arching and his muscles were flexing and his hips were rising, rocking steadily, pushing against his hand.

JC's mouth closed over the head.

"Oh, oh, JC," and JC's hips bucked hard, once, twice, three times, and JC came.

JC swallowed.

Drew had to pee.

He didn't want to get up, because that would mean moving, and he had Nick asleep in his arms.

He also didn't want to wet the bed.

He didn't want to disturb Brian's slumber.

He didn't want to pee on Nick.

He could hold it.

No, he couldn't.

He eased Brian's hand off of him, and slid his legs free. Then he carefully settled Nick against the pillow and climbed over Brian, dashing to the bathroom.

Ouch! Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ow, ow, ow, stupid, stupid, stupid.

Drew fumbled his cock free from his boxers. Oh...oh, yes, that was nice. Much better. Ahhh...

Drew flushed and rinsed his hand and maneuvered more carefully through the room this time. He found the bed in the darkness.

Nick had taken his warm spot.

And his Brian.

Drew felt a strange tugging at his heart. They looked right together. Nick had snuggled right up to Brian, who welcomed the familiarity even asleep. Nick was tucked under Brian's chin, wrapped in Brian's embrace, holding on to Brian like a child clutching a teddy bear.

Like a man holding his lover.

There was more room on the other side of the bed. Drew climbed over them carefully and settled down behind Nick. He spent a moment gently stroking Nick's back. Then he rested his forehead against Nick's shoulder and closed his eyes.

Justin curled up on his side and stroked JC's face. JC's hand rubbed over his naked hip, JC's eyes patient. "Do something for me."

"What, baby?"

"Come for me."

"Not now."

"Now."

"Justin-"

"Please."

"You want me to come."

"I want you to touch yourself."

"No."

Justin kept JC from pulling away from him. "It's okay."

"No, Justin. Don't ask me."

"I'll do it."

"Justin-"

"I'll do myself if you do yourself."

"No."

"Don't you want to see that? Don't you want to see me? I can make myself feel good, JC. I can make myself come."

"Justin, don't."

"Do you want to see me get myself hard?"

JC licked his lips desperately. "Baby-"

"I can make myself feel so good, JC," Justin said, letting his fingers slide down into his pubic hair. "Do you want to watch?"

"Don't tease me, baby."

"I'm not a tease, JC. I always deliver. You know how good I am. You're the only one who knows. You know. You know how good I am."

"You're the best, baby."

"You know why I'm the best?"

"Why?" JC asked.

"Nobody does me like you do."

"Nobody else can," JC said. "I'm your only one."

"You make me the best."

"It was always in you, baby. I just brought it out."

"JC, you could bring it out of a two-hundred-year-old virgin lesbian."

"You're the only one I want, Justin."

"So too bad for her, I guess."

JC smiled. "You want me to stroke you up, or are you going to do it to yourself?"

"If I do it to me, you have to do it to you."

"No."

"Why not?"

"I don't want to."

Justin sighed. "What will it take? How can I get you to try it again?"

"I won't do it."

"JC, you've taken me to a lot of exciting places. You've made me come so hard I've leaked cum out of my ears. I get in you and the world splits apart. You suck me down and my brain explodes. You're incredible, amazing, fantastic, and you know it. But JC, baby, there's nothing hotter on the face of this planet than what you did to yourself. Where are you going - - get back here, you - - JC! Stay, come on, just stay here a minute. It was gorgeous, JC, the whole thing, you took yourself to that place you always take me, I know what it's like there, I know how that feels. I know you want to go there again. Go ahead, baby. Take yourself there. I'll still be here, right here, when you get back."

Jeff was asleep.

Nick crept around the bed and crouched in the darkness.

Jeff breathed deeply and evenly.

Nick took Jeff's hand in his.

Jeff slept.

Nick kissed his cheek, rose reluctantly, and returned to the sofa.

"Baby, let me get you off-"

"No."

"Just one more time. I can feel you needing it."

"No."

"Let me make you feel good."

"No."

JC tugged gently on Justin's curls and sighed. "I'm sorry, baby."

"I'm being mad at you. Don't be nice to me."

"Don't be mad, Justin. Don't be mad at me. You know I'll do anything for you."

"Except what I'm asking you to do."

"Except that."

"If you loved me as much as you say you do, you'd do it."

"Don't you dare, Justin. Don't you dare. I-"

"JC-"

"Just because I won't jerk off for you-"

"JC! Calm down. I'm sorry. Forget it. You don't have to do it, and I won't ask you to do it, and we'll never mention it again."

"I can't believe you said that to me."

"It was cheap and wrong. I know that."

"Why does it mean this much to you? Why do you want me to?"

"It was beautiful, JC. It was you loving yourself the way I want to. From the inside, all over, all through you. You got lost in the, in the eroticism of your own body. It was so sexy, JC, there are no words for how hot that made me."

"Did it turn you on?"

Justin laughed. "JC, yes, that's the whole point. Come on, do it again. Turn me on again. I know you like to turn me on."

JC thought about it. He smiled. "All right. You have to promise not to laugh."

"Laugh? Laugh? There's no laughing. No laughing. I promise."

"Okay. What do you want me to do? The whole thing or just the last part?"

"Can you get into the last part without the first part?"

"I think so."

"No, I want to see the whole thing."

"All right. No laughing," JC reminded him, slipping from the bed.

"JC? Do you...do you remember what you said?"

"What did I say?"

"Last time you did this. Do you remember what you were saying?"

A frown crossed JC's face. "No. What did I say?"

"Nothing."

"Justin-"

"Nothing. Go ahead."

JC looked worried, but nodded and continued.

Howie slid the ring onto his finger and looked at it.

He'd always known that he would find a beautiful woman and marry her. He would kiss her neck and bring her roses and sing love songs to her.

That beautiful woman turned out to be a man. The best-laid plans of mice and men... Still, Howie liked to kiss Chris's neck and bring Chris roses and sing love songs. So why not get married, too?

He wanted to spend the rest of his life with Chris. Good times and bad times. All of the time.

Chris was smarter than he knew, and cuter than he knew, and more mature than he knew. He was very funny and very sweet and - - and Howie refused to believe that no one else saw this - - very sexy.

It wasn't JC sexy. It was funny sexy, sweet sexy, sexy in the way he smiled, sexy in the way he laughed, sexy in the way he didn't know how attractive he was.

His voice was amazing. Howie had a similar range, but the way Chris worked those high notes, now that was sexy.

Chris said, at thirty-one, that he hadn't grown up yet. He had. He'd grown up a long time ago, and decided who he was. And Howie loved who that was.

This was taking forever.

JC was long gone. He'd even started licking himself.

Justin had left the bed to give him more room. Now Justin was considering leaving, period, to give JC privacy.

Leave. Right. Walk away from this? Not if Justin's hair caught fire.

Right now, the only thing likely to catch on fire was JC.

The man was hot. And making himself hotter.

Brian yawned and shifted, slid down a little, rested his face in Nick's neck. It had been hard enough to sleep without Drew, but spending those nights without Nick had been lonely. Very lonely.

Sharing a bed with Kevin just was not the same. Kevin was a great guy, and Brian loved him, but there was no comparison.

Nick slept hard. He gave off body heat and slept cuddled so close they might as well dream as one.

Brian wanted to share Nick's dreams. He wanted to share Nick's everything.

Dreams. Fantasies. Nick had some of the best fantasies...

Like that one of taking Drew on a picnic and making love to him right there, on the picnic blanket, green grass and blue sky and bright sun...

Brian drifted off to sleep.

JC was asleep.

Justin couldn't get his eyes back in his head.

Holy...

...

When his brain began to regel, Justin cleaned JC off with great tenderness and carefully tucked JC into the bed. He brushed his teeth, turned off the lights, and slid in with JC.

One soft kiss. "Good night, JC."

Me and my boys went out just to end up in misery
-"The Call"

"Cheap and sleazy," AJ muttered, glaring at his reflection. He was not cheap or sleazy. That self-righteous prig had a lot of nerve calling him cheap and sleazy.

Who'd cheated first?

Who'd given it up at the drop of a hat? AJ hadn't been expecting it, hadn't asked, and Lance had spread his thighs like a whore. He was easy. Lance Bass was an easy lay. Probably giving it up to everyone all year, giving access to his ass like-

Oh, fuck it. AJ knew Lance wouldn't do that. Lance was with him, and that was it.

Had been with him.

Until he'd screwed up royally.

AJ looked at himself in the mirror. "I made you a promise," he said to himself. "I broke my promise to Lance, but I won't break my promise to you." His reflection looked back at him solemnly.

Brian wakened a little when Nick rolled over. He scooted up a bit and rested his hand on Nick's hip. He could get up now, but...no...this was much better.

He propped his chin on Nick's shoulder and looked. They looked all cute and cuddly like that. If he weren't already in bed with them, he'd want to climb in and join them. He pulled the covers up over Drew's shoulder better and, smiling, tried to restore order to Drew's hair.

Brian's attention rested on Nick. He was angry with Nick. For not trusting him, for not believing in him, for using Drew and sex to hurt him. What did he have to do to prove himself? Was he expected to spend all of his time soothing Nick's ego and propping up self-esteem? He was in love with Nick and he proved that every day.

It was a situation that he'd helped to create. He knew that. He'd regret it as long as he lived. But Nick needed to have faith in him. Didn't he deserve that?

Brian licked his forefinger and touched it to Nick's cheek, picking up an eyelash. He balanced it on the end of his finger, closed his eyes, made a wish, and gently blew.

He'd become a monk.

He'd run away and join the circus. He could drive the clown car.

He'd change his name and move to California and...

He'd join the Witness Protection Program!

He'd, uh, he'd, he'd have a sex change operation and call himself "Gertrude Yokamama" and open a pet supply store.

He'd commit a crime and go to jail and refuse visitors.

He'd go to, um, somewhere and claim asylum. Who would let him in? Churches did that. The hunchback of Notre Dame! Quasimodo would let him in! Except he wasn't a pretty gypsy girl. He could shave. That might help.

Except his shaving kit was with his luggage, and his luggage was in Howie's room.

Howie.

Yeah.

Shit.

Warm. Cosy. He'd stay here forever.

Oh. There was someone in this bed. Someone making it warm and - - Nick! Nick, Brian, he was in bed with Nick and Brian. They were together again!

Oh, wait. Hold on a minute. All was not fine and dandy.

But...oh...warm and cosy. Things couldn't be all bad.

Sleep now. Think later.

One second. Drew opened his eyes and peeked. Yes. Nick still looked really good even asleep. Okay. He closed his eyes again.

Howie rolled over and frowned. He wasn't sure what the problem was.

Unless Chris knew about AJ.

If Chris knew, he wouldn't have gotten laid yesterday. Something else had Chris upset.

Fear of commitment? That didn't seem like Chris.

Fear of commitment to him? That didn't make sense.

It had to be related to whatever had been wrong earlier. Chris hadn't spoken to him for a while. At first it had seemed simple, missed calls, trouble ironing out their schedules. Then Chris had stopped answering his calls, stopped calling, dropped out of touch completely.

Yesterday, Chris had seemed so happy, so familiar, that he'd been sure that they could figure out whatever was wrong, and deal with it.

But now, with Chris running off like that...

Lance knew about him and AJ. Maybe by now Lance had told Chris. That wouldn't help.

He had to get to Chris before Lance did.

JC brushed Justin's curls away from his face and yawned. It was still early. They were on vacation. He could sleep all day. Oh, thank god.

He remembered. Abruptly, and in sharp detail, he remembered.

Last night. He'd, last night, he'd...

He remembered what he'd done. What he'd done. What he'd said. He'd come so hard he'd passed out, he knew it, he knew he had. He never did that; that never happened to him.

And Justin had been here, seen it. Justin knew. Justin had watched that.

Shame and guilt twisted JC's stomach. He backed away from Justin.

Jeff watched Nick sleep. The couch did look uncomfortable. Good.

Jeff, himself, certainly had been guilty of extramarital sex; he'd been with Drew. He'd made out with Brian once. He'd enjoyed a flirtation with Nick.

What he'd done with Brian had been a mistake. It had been ill-timed and ill-advised. He was the first to admit it.

What he'd done in every other instance had been done with boundaries in place, with understandings intact. That had not been the case yesterday between Nick and Nick.

When he'd made love alone with Drew...it had been different. He knew that Drew regretted it. He understood why. In a sense he did, too. In a sense, he never could.

Joey didn't really get guys.

Girls were a lot easier. Women. They made sense.

Guys were nuts.

Lance was upset over something, probably something about AJ considering what AJ had called him, but wasn't saying anything about it. He was avoiding AJ and looking ready to commit murder, but he wasn't saying why.

Chris had disappeared. The dude was gone. Made like Houdini and left the premises.

When women were upset, they either sulked around until you wormed it out of them, or they told you. This whole pretending that everything was okay, this disappearing act, women were way too mature for that.

Maybe it wasn't a gender thing. Maybe Joey's friends were just stupid.

Justin sipped his coffee and looked across the screaming fans. He couldn't go out there and sign autographs. They weren't allowed outside anymore. There were well-controlled, scheduled meet-and-greets through the week. He'd definitely show up for those. Someone had to be there to represent 98 Degrees, and his brothers in arms were probably too busy making like snugglebunnies to sign autographs.

He didn't blame them. If he had anyone that good-looking and that devoted, he'd spend his time with her.

He was an honorary bisexual now, though. He could take advantage of that. Maybe he'd talk to Nick about it. Maybe there was some "Welcome to Bisexuality" ritual.

They could start a club. Boy Band Bisexuals. Himself, Nick, Brian, Howie, AJ, Justin, Lance, Chris? Drew and Jeff and Nick Carter and JC were gay. Or so he thought. It was hard to keep track.

It didn't really matter, anyway.

Although, being one of three straight guys out of fourteen boy band members, Justin wondered whether he'd chosen the right profession.

"Nnn. Come back to bed," Justin muttered, rolling over and smushing his face into the pillow.

"How do you even know I'm still in the room?" JC asked.

"You're looking at me." Justin burrowed into the mattress. "C'mere."

JC sat on the bed. "What?"

Justin cracked open one eye, then closed it again. "No clothes."

"I'm not undressing just so you can talk to me."

"Not talking. Sleeping. Sexing."

"Sexing?"

Justin tugged on JC's hand and yawned. "Come here and let me do you."

"Not now." JC pulled his hand free. "Go back to sleep."

"What's wrong?" Justin asked, wriggling into a more comfortable position.

"Nothing. Go back to sleep."

Justin reluctantly opened his eyes. "JC, just tell me what's wrong so I can fix it and..."

JC watched Justin's eyes widen. Justin was remembering. Remembering last night.

Justin sat up fast and grabbed JC's arm. "Tell me that wasn't a dream. It wasn't a dream, was it? That happened? You really did that? Right here in this bed?"

"Justin-"

"Do it again do it again do it-" Justin started to kiss JC, cutting off his own sentence.

"Justin."

Justin pushed JC flat on his back, getting on top of him, kissing him deeply. "Let me do you," Justin said breathlessly before going in for more. "So hot so sexy made me so hard." Deep, wet kiss. "Made me so hard."

There was no air in JC's lungs, but there was a second tongue in his mouth. His clothes were being pushed and pulled impatiently, and his body was being - - whoa! - - groped even more impatiently. He got a chance to breathe when Justin started sucking on his neck. "Justin, what-"

"Do that to me tonight," Justin said, and started to drag JC's pants down off of his legs.

"What?" JC asked.

"Do to me what you did to yourself."

"I don't-"

"And let me do it to you," Justin said, reaching for the lubricant. "Later. First, I just want to, god, JC, you should have seen it," and Justin was kissing him again.

Kevin wondered how the guys were doing this morning. Could AJ and Howie sweet-talk Lance and Chris into coming back to them? Lance - - well, Lance should have had more sense than to fall for AJ in the first place, so Kevin wasn't sure what was going on there. Chris seemed completely charmed by Howie, but being cheated on should change things.

AJ and Howie genuinely seemed to be in love with Lance and Chris. Unfortunately, they were also in love with themselves, if not each other.

They were great guys. But they'd done something very wrong, and now they were paying for it.

He hoped that they'd be forgiven, and that they'd learn from this mistake.

Whatever was wrong with Nick, Brian didn't seem to be taking care of it, which was unusual. Nick hadn't come to him like that, like yesterday, since Brian had temporarily gone straight. Now with Brian and Drew both here, maybe Nick would be okay.

If Brian and Drew couldn't help Nick...no one could.

Lance had cheated on AJ once.

AJ had forgiven him.

Now AJ had cheated on him.

Was he supposed to forgive?

It was just Howie. Howie was different. It wasn't being unfaithful.

Lance carefully set down his toothbrush so he wouldn't run to AJ's room and stick it anywhere improper. After a few deep breaths, he felt a bit calmer.

Was that it? Was he honor bound to forgive AJ? If AJ had forgiven him and he didn't forgive AJ, he came off looking like the lesser man.

But he hadn't had sex with Michel. AJ and Howie had...who knew how many times.

How many times? What had they done? What had-

Taking his razor and slitting Howie's throat wouldn't be too bad, would it?

Howie's hands, Howie's lips, on AJ, on that beautiful body, Howie's-

Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Count to ten. Count to twenty.

How dare they.

They'd betrayed Lance. His trust. His love. They'd betrayed Chris, Chris's trust, Chris's love.

For what? Were they in love? Were they horny? What was their excuse? What did they want now? AJ wanted to be with him like nothing had happened? AJ would be with him during the off-season and Howie on tour? Were they supposed to have some arrangement? Was he supposed to understand?

Sure, he got horny. Sure, he could be with somebody else. If he wanted someone else in his bed, he could do it, no problem. But he didn't want someone else; he wanted AJ. And he could wait. Like a mature, reasonable human being. Obviously AJ and Howie didn't know what that meant.

He didn't care if it was hormones or arrogance or whatever else that had gotten AJ and Howie into bed together. He didn't want to know. They'd done it. What was worse, they didn't seem to see anything wrong with it. Well, Lance saw something wrong with it. Several things, in fact.

Was he supposed to forgive?

Was he going to?

Drew warm and safe in his arms, sweet and strong and asleep and half-naked. Here with him. His beautiful, good, innocent Drew.

Nick closed his eyes again and held Drew close to his chest, to his heart. It was okay. It would be okay. Nick took a few slow, deep breaths. It would be okay.

Drew was waking up a little, burrowing closer.

"Drew, I love you."

"Too," Drew said sleepily against his chest.

"Let me make love to you."

"Kay," Drew said, and yawned.

Nick gently rolled Drew to his back. Drew snuggled down comfortably and Nick kissed his cheek. "Drew, do you love me?"

"Yeah," Drew murmured.

"Do you want to be with me?"

"Mm-hmm."

Brian came in from the bathroom and stopped.

"Mmm, Nick," Drew sighed at the feel of Nick's mouth on his neck. He tilted his head back a little to expose more skin. "Mmm."

"You like that?" Nick asked.

"Yes," Drew said. "Where's Brian?"

"He's not here."

"We should...oh...get him."

"We don't need him."

"Yes, we...oh...Nick...Brian..."

"Tell me what you want."

"Oh," Drew said, and kissed Nick's mouth.

Brian was jealous and aroused and hurt and angry and in love, all at once. Nick didn't want him there. Nick didn't need him. Liar. Liar. Oh, and Drew was making that soft, pleased sound. He knew that sound. It was a kissing sound, a Drew sound, that sweet little Drew noise. It meant Drew was horny. He liked it when Drew was horny.

"Nick," Drew said. "We, oh, Brian."

"I'm here," Nick said.

"Yes," Drew said, and Nick began to kiss his chest, and Drew's fingers slid back through Nick's hair. "Yes, Nick...we...Brian..." He gasped. "Oh, oh, yes...Nick...no, no, we can't." Nick's hand was in his boxers. "Nick, no, we-"

"Come on, Drew," Nick said.

"He said no."

Drew's eyes shot open, wide with guilt and panic.

"No!" Nick shouted. He stood and turned, tall and threatening. Brian didn't blink, arms crossed, jaw set, eyes unforgiving. "No! You're not ruining this for me!"

"Nick - - Brian -" Drew tried.

"Ruining what?" Brian asked.

"He's mine!"

"He's ours."

"He's mine! He's mine, he was mine first, I had him, you can't take him away from me."

"I don't want to take him from you."

It was very, very wrong for Drew to be turned on by Brian right now. Bad Drew. He tried to remember where he'd left his dignity. Or his clothes.

Wait a second. They were fighting over him. They weren't supposed to fight over him. "Nick?"

"You left me and he came to me and you're leaving and he's staying, he chose me, he's with me, he wants to be with me, he picked me-"

"Picked you?" Brian asked. "Over what?"

"Over Nick."

"Is that what you think happened?"

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

"Nick, Drew didn't - - yes, he loves you, he's with you, he'll always love you and be with you. It's not a matter of picking his favorite Nick. Or picking the one he wants to be with. He's here with us and he'll always be with us. What happened-"

"Not us," Nick said. "Me. You left."

"I haven't gone anywhere!"

"Nick." He'd found his shirt, at least. Shirt, boxers, hey, it was a look.

"You're long gone," Nick said to Brian. "You made your choice."

"I chose to be with you," Brian said, and there was this...profound depth to his voice, in his eyes. Like he was very wise and very old and very strong and very, very, very right.

Nick turned to Drew. "Now you choose."

"What?" Drew asked.

"Him or me."

The bottom dropped out of Drew's stomach. "What?" he asked, only his voice didn't work.

"Him or me," Nick repeated.

"Nick," Brian said. He was pleading and warning at the same time: don't do this.

"Choose," Nick said, staring hard at Drew.

Drew turned to Brian for help. His eyes begged Brian to do something.

"He can't choose," Brian said.

"He has to," Nick said without taking his eyes from Drew. "Now."

"I can't," Drew said. "Nick, what...what are you doing?"

"You can't be with both of us."

"I am," Drew said.

"Not anymore."

"I...Nick...I can't choose."

"He doesn't have to choose," Brian said. "There's nothing to choose."

"We're not together anymore," Nick said to Brian. "And he can't be with both of us at once."

"We're together," Brian said. "We'll always be together."

Drew was trying to think of something to say, something to do, but he just felt like throwing up or crying or hitting somebody. Mostly throwing up. Everything looked funny, like it was really sharp but fuzzy at the same time, and he was sure that he was hearing in slow motion. "Nick," he said.

"Choose," Nick said.

"I...no, I can't." He sounded desperate and pathetic. He wanted to be strong, to say something profound, to help, to fix it. But he was falling too far behind.

"You've already made your choice," Nick said, and he sounded like someone who was about to laugh. Or cry. Really hard. "You married him."

"No-" Drew said, hurt, shocked, afraid.

"How stupid am I?" Nick asked. "It was over long ago."

"No-"

"I'll leave you alone now," Nick said.

"Nick," Brian said.

Nick was walking away from them, towards the door.

"Nick Carter Littrell Lachey," Brian said. "It'll never be over."

The door closed.

"Go," Brian said to Drew.

"What?" He was not going to cry. Or vomit. Or throw anything.

"Go. Go with him."

"No." Drew surprised himself. Then he thought about it. "No. I didn't choose. I won't choose. And you won't choose for me. I'm not going with him, and I'm not staying with you. He left you, and I won't."

"Go with him," Brian said.

"That won't solve anything."

"He needs you."

"He needs us."

"He won't accept it from me."

"I won't be the go-between. I won't be Nick's Brian stand-in. I won't be back and forth, with him and with you, soothing egos and handing out sexual favors. You're not sharing joint custody of me. I'm not your child or your pet or your sex toy."

"Drew-"

"I've been going crazy. I've been scared and worried and frustrated and do you have any idea what it's like for me? The two of you are miles away and I'm wondering if you're okay, if you miss me, if you're all right, if you don't miss me, if it'll be awkward to see you again, if it'll be like it was, if you're thinking about me, if you want me. Then there's Nick and Jeff right there, but I can't be with them, and I don't want to be with them because I want to be with you, but I do want to be with them, and I want to be in their room and be in their bed and sleep between them just so I can be in a bed with two warm bodies and stop missing you so much. And I can't be with you and that's fine but you're still there for me and here with me anyhow, except then Jeff, and he, and I... And then everything just got worse and now it's even more worse and I don't-"

"Drew."

"I'm sorry," and Brian's embrace had never felt so good as it did just then.

"Drew," Brian said softly. "You haven't done anything wrong."

"I want to throw up."

"I know. So do I. But that won't help."

"Probably not," Drew admitted. "What's wrong with Nick?"

"He's upset with me."

"I got that. Did he just." Drew couldn't say it. "Nick."

"Yes," Brian said. "He broke up with me."

Drew squeezed his eyes shut.

Nick rubbed his shoulder and scratched his stubble. Today had to be better than yesterday. He wiped sleep crud from his eyes and looked around the room. Jeff was...okay.

Jeff was lying on the coffee table, barefoot and barechested, a strip of his black boxers appearing above the waistband to his jeans. He was writing something in a notebook.

"Jeff?"

"What rhymes with 'ocean?'"

"Goshen."

"What?"

"It's in the Bible."

"Probably not going to help."

"You're writing lyrics?"

"Trying to."

"About an ocean?"

"About your eyes."

"You're...what?"

"Touch me and I'll break your fingers," Jeff said without looking.

Nick sat back again. That wasn't exactly fair. Those broad shoulders and muscular back, all naked and tempting. Jeff was doing this on purpose. Jeff was evil. And he had the cutest-

"Don't even think about it," Jeff said. "Ocean. Goshen. Notion. Lotion. Notion? Motion. Potion. Commotion."

"Jeff, can we have sex?"

"No. Come here."

Nick slid from the sofa to the floor, kneeling by the table. Jeff took his jaw in one hand and looked directly into his eyes without blinking. Nick felt trapped. And horny. And like Jeff was seeing way too much of him.

"Notion," Jeff decided. "Go get dressed."

Nick leaned in for a kiss.

Jeff pushed him away mildly. "And brush your teeth."

AJ couldn't believe his luck. Was it good luck or bad luck? Bad. Definitely bad. No, good. Good luck. Running into Lance was good luck. Running into Lance and Howie would have been bad luck. "Hi."

Lance looked at him.

"You want to talk?"

"About what?" Lance asked.

"Whatever's going on."

"Whatever's going on," Lance repeated. "No. I'd rather talk about why you think you can sleep around behind my back, say that it's not cheating on me, and act like I have no right to be upset with you. Let's talk about that."

"I wasn't sleeping around behind your back."

"You were having sex with someone else, without telling me about it."

"That's not-"

"Who do you think you are?" Lance asked. "It's not being unfaithful, either, is it? And it's not cheating. What exactly do you call it, AJ?"

"You want to do this in the hallway?"

"No. We can talk in my room, so I can have the satisfaction of throwing you out of it."

"Lead the way."

Brian's kiss was turning Drew's bones to liquid, turning Drew's blood to fire. "Brian." He wanted to pull Brian to the bed. "Tell me."

"What?" Brian asked, and his tongue did this sweet slide-stroke-twist-lick combination in Drew's mouth that made Drew's entire body shudder. Where did Brian learn these things?

"Tell me about you and Nick."

"Tell you what?" Brian asked, and the kiss stopped. Brian looked patiently puzzled.

"Tell me...you know..." His ears were turning red. "About when...tell me."

"You want me to talk dirty to you?" Brian asked.

Oh, god, he didn't have to say yes, did he?

Brian smiled. He looked so cute when he smiled, Drew wanted him even more. "That's Nick's department."

"I want to hear you do it." He did. He wanted to see what it was like. Maybe it would be poetry.

"What do you want me to talk about?"

"What happened the last time you made love?" Drew asked. He wanted to know what it was like when the two of them were together, alone, just Brian and Nick, Nick and Brian. Nick told him, sometimes. Over the phone. Told him how good Brian had been the night before, how hard Nick had been, what they'd done. But Brian didn't talk about it.

Brian sat on the bed, pulling Drew down beside him. Drew wished that jeans were more forgiving on hard-ons. Shouldn't have gotten dressed.

"Last time we made love," Brian said. "We haven't been making love recently. It was after he hit me, after he got drunk and called you."

"You haven't been...since then?"

"No. I miss his kisses." Brian scratched his elbow. "Last time we made love. I made love to him. He was moving under me, like he wanted more, like there was something else he needed. And I said something. I wish I remember what it was, I wish I knew, because it changed something inside him."

"What do you mean?"

"He was beautiful and he was, I could see it in his eyes."

"You're not telling me something."

Brian looked embarrassed. "I think it gave him an orgasm."

"What you said made him come?"

"Yeah. I wish I remembered what it was."

"I wish you'd say it to me."

Brian laughed.

"I'm going to go find him. You want to come with me?"

"You go ahead. Talk to him one-on-one."

"Okay." Drew kissed Brian. "And don't think this got you out of it. You still owe me dirty talk."

Nick Carter poked the keys at random. Maybe he'd quit the Backstreet Boys and become a concert pianist. Pianist. Heh. Concert penis. He could play his penis in concert halls. He'd be a professional penis player. People would pay him to play his penis. He could play his penis in Carnegie Hall. At the Met.

There was a foot beside him on the piano bench, then someone brushed aside his hand and closed the lid, and Jeff was sitting on the piano, feet on either side of his hips, looking at him.

Speaking of penises.

"Good morning, Nick."

"Jeff." He remembered now that he'd done a very, very bad thing with this very, very buff man's husband. Hey, if Jeff killed him, his life wouldn't suck anymore. So, good news, there.

"Tell me what's wrong."

"Drew's with Brian and I'm alone and I guess I could go to Kevin but he's straight and I know you're married but will you let me suck you sometimes?"

"Drew's with Brian," Jeff repeated. "What about you?"

"Brian left me and I dumped him and Drew's married to Brian and I'm alone."

"You're not alone. You have Brian and Drew. Brian left you and you dumped him?"

"Yes."

"Sounds like overkill. Why'd you dump him?"

"He left me."

"Why did he leave you?"

"He doesn't want me anymore."

"Why not?"

"Why would he?"

"I want you."

"Do you?"

"Yes."

"Why?" Nick asked.

"Why do I want you? Because I'm in love with you."

"Could you give me pity sex once a month so I don't forget how?"

"I'd rather make love to you. But I can't."

"You're married."

"And Drew would kill me. So would Brian."

"They wouldn't care."

"They care about everything that happens to you."

"You're touching me."

"Do you want me to stop?"

"No. It feels nice."

"Come on," Jeff said, climbing down again.

"Where?"

"To my room."

"You're taking me to your room?"

"Yeah. Come on."

"For pity sex?"

"To talk."

"You want to talk to me?"

"Yes."

"About what?"

"Anything."

"Sex?"

"If you want."

"But that's not..."

"What's wrong?"

"You just want to talk to me?"

"Yes."

"About anything."

"Yes."

"Will you marry me?"

"Nick, are you okay?"

"Yes. No. Let's go to your room and talk."

"Okay." Jeff took Nick's hand and went down the hallway.

Drew bumped into Nick. "Oh. Sorry."

"Hey," Nick said. "Sorry."

"Have you seen Nick?"

Nick turned red. "No."

"What happened yesterday?"

"Nothing."

"Not nothing," Nick quickly amended. "I...it was sort of weird."

"What do you mean?"

"It was like he didn't even want to do it. Like...like...like he was supposed to."

"What did he do?"

"He started...talking."

Drew nodded.

"Then he licked me and jacked me. Drew, I'm really sorry. It was really wrong, and I'm really sorry."

"It was wrong and it was stupid and you're a jerk," Drew said. "Don't you ever do that again."

"I-"

"You knew he was upset and you knew he was having problems and you-"

"He took advantage of me!"

"Oh, he took advantage of you," Drew said. "You're so poor and defenseless."

"I-"

"Did you say no?"

"Yes. Kind of. Not really."

"He turned you on and you let him give you a hand job like a prostitute in an alley," Drew said.

"No!"

"He deserves better," Drew said. "You apologize to him."

"Apologize!"

"You-"

"He came on to me!"

"He's a beautiful man who's changed my life and you treated him like-like-like-"

"Like the slut that he is!"

Silence.

Jeff's voice made them both jump. "Find somewhere else to sleep tonight."

Nick. "Nick," Drew said.

Jeff unlocked his room door and guided in Nick Carter. Then he closed the door in their faces. And locked it.

Nick didn't know what to say.

"He heard you," Drew said. "He heard you! It's bad enough that you said it! I can't believe you said that, you had no right, you have some nerve, treating him like that, calling him that, but he heard you! You're unbelievable, Nick. Learn to think before you speak."

"Are you going to forgive me?"

"Probably. I have a soft spot for you. I don't know why."

Nick smiled weakly. "My charming personality."

"No, I think it's the dimples. Go ask Justin if you can room with him tonight."

"I can't stay in your room?"

"Watch it."

"No, I didn't, I meant, I thought you'd be staying with Brian, and..."

"Oh. Okay. Never mind. Sure, you can...you know what?"

"What?"

"Something's seriously wrong with us."

"Yeah."

"You can stay in my room if Jeff doesn't let you in tonight. I want you to apologize to Nick."

"I will. Anything else?"

"Try to stay out of trouble."

"Brian does that."

"What?"

"Plays with my hair. Drew does, too."

"You have nice hair."

"I think they just like to touch me."

"I can see why."

"I like to be touched. Brian's hands are so..."

"So what?"

"So Brian. They're fun and they tease, he tickles me or makes me laugh. They're warm and friendly and familiar, like they should be there, like he's supposed to be touching me. He's real gentle sometimes, like he has to touch me carefully so he doesn't hurt me. Or...don't tell...sometimes he gets a little rough, on purpose, because he knows I like it. In bed. You know. It turns me on. Don't tell."

"I won't."

"He touches me like he loves me. Like he knows me."

"He does."

"He used to."

"He doesn't anymore?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I guess I'm not worth it."

"But you used to be."

"Things are different."

"How?"

"Everything's changed."

"Has Brian changed?"

"No."

"Nick, what's Brian like?"

"Brian? Brian's Brian. I don't know. He's just Brian."

"What's he like?"

"He's perfect."

"What are you like?"

"I don't know."

"Try."

"I'm not perfect. And I'm not good enough for him."

"Why not?"

"I never have been. It just took him a while to figure it out."

"It's been a long time."

"I said he was perfect. I never said he was smart."

"Is he?"

"Smart? Yeah. Smarter than I am. Most people are."

"You think you're not smart?"

"No. Not, not really."

"I think you're smart."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"I didn't mean to come in here and cry."

"It's all right."

"Jeff?"

"Yeah."

"Thank you for being nice to me."

"You're welcome. Thank you for letting me."

"I slept with Howie."

"I heard."

"Howie knew I was bi."

"What?"

"When I first got together with you, he said he knew I was bi."

"How did he know?"

"I used to have a crush on him."

"You had a crush on Howie?"

"You don't have to be insulting about it."

"I don't see the attraction."

"You don't know him like I do."

"I don't want to. I want to kill him."

"Right. Where was I?"

"Having a crush."

"I used to have a crush on Howie. I never did anything about it. He was my first gay crush. I still have these feelings for him. Not big feelings, but leftover feelings. Mixed in with the Backstreet thing. It has nothing to do with us, with my feelings for you. That's totally separate, totally different. One night we were there and I was talking about you and I kissed him. And it was just the way I'd always wanted it to be."

"You were talking about me?"

"I was talking. He was listening to me. Kevin was sick of me yammering on about you, but Howie was always willing to listen. Brian was, too. I used to have a crush on Brian, too, but I knew that was never going to go anywhere."

"You used to have a crush on Brian, too?"

"Don't tell me you've never once wanted to get it on with JC," AJ said. "Where was I? Talking about you, kissed Howie, we were in his room, we were sitting on the bed. We used the bed. We did it again two days later. We kept doing it."

"Why?"

"I love him. We missed you and Chris. We're friends."

"So you had sex."

"Yes."

"Do you see anything wrong with that?"

"Yes."

"You do?"

"Yeah. That's why I'm sorry. That's why I feel like shit. That's why I'm going to do anything and everything I can to make you trust me again so we can be together."

"Oh."

"You smell good."

"Thanks."

"I wish I could be with you."

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do."

"You wish you were with Brian and Drew."

"They suck."

"You don't mean that."

"They don't like me."

"They love you."

"They have lousy ways of showing it."

"What do you mean?"

"Every time Drew calls, he wants to talk to Brian. 'Hey, how are you, let me talk to Brian.' 'Hi, how are you, give Brian the phone.' You know when I get to talk to him? Phone sex. Hand the phone to me, crank up the hormones. That's it."

"What does he talk to Brian about?"

"Everything else. Brian's the one he talks to. Brian's the one he goes to. I'm around for sex."

"Why?"

"Why? That's all I'm good for. Now Drew even wants Brian for that. I kiss him, he asks where Brian is."

"Does Brian talk to you?"

"He talks to Kelly."

"About what?"

"I don't know. When I see them it's like I'm blind and deaf and frozen. My brain seizes up funny."

"She scares you?"

"I hate her."

"Why?"

"Brian went to her. He was with her. He left me."

"You think he'll do that again?"

"He might. If not her, somebody else."

"Why would he do that?"

"He can."

"Why?"

"He's bi. He likes women."

"He likes you."

"That doesn't mean anything. He said he loved me and he left me anyway. He can do it again. That doesn't stop him."

"He divorces himself from what he's feeling?"

"No. I don't think that he can do that. Brian's too deep for that. Have you ever looked into someone's eyes and seen his soul?"

"Yes."

"Brian has the most beautiful soul. Drew does, too. So deep and pure and rich. It's like seeing a part of God or something."

"They're both in love with you. What?"

"I'm trying to see your soul."

"Is it in there?"

"Wow. Yeah. Oh, Jeff."

"What?"

"You're...there's so much of you in there. It's sort of like Brian, only different."

"What do you mean?"

"When you look at Brian, you can see him laughing and loving and enjoying life all at once. He's alive and he's real and he's having fun. There's so much inside of him it shines out through his eyes, in his face. And Brian knows people. He knows what's inside of them, he knows what they need, he knows what to do. You, I think you're wise."

"I think so, too."

"Tell me what to do."

"You have to figure that out yourself."

"I love them."

"I know."

"They don't love me."

"I have to be able to trust you."

"I know."

"Do you trust me?"

"Yes."

"I used to trust you. I trusted you up until yesterday."

"I know. I didn't deserve that. But I will."

"It wasn't payback?"

"No."

"I want to forgive you."

"You do?"

"Yes. I want to. I want to forgive you and trust you. I also want to kill you. I hate you and I don't want to but I do."

"I know."

"I guess you do."

"I'm sorry."

"So am I."

"Do you want me to go?"

"Not yet."

"Do you know where Chris is?"

"No. We can't find him. You know what? I think he knew. I think he figured it out."

"What?"

"That Howie was cheating on him with you."

"What?"

"He was acting weird. It got worse. And I downloaded this clip of you from a concert, and he accidentally erased it."

"What?"

"I don't know. I think he suspected."

"I hope not. God, I hope not."

"What?"

"Howie proposed."

"What?!"

"Howie proposed to him. That's when he ran off."

"Howie proposed to him? He's cheating on him and then he proposes to him?! Is he out of his mind? Do any of you have any-"

"Lance! He loves him, he wants to get married, he has all of these... I don't know, he's Howie."

"He is living in his own world."

"Most of us are."

Howie knocked.

Justin Jeffre opened the door. "Hi. What can I do for you?"

"Didn't mean to bother you. Have you seen Chris?"

"Chris? No. Why?"

"If you see him, can you let me know?"

"Sure."

"Thanks."

Justin closed the door and locked it.

matthew@matthewtime.com
"Together" Part Seven
"Together" page
"Living" page
RPS page
Home