Together Part Seven

Together, seventh in "Living"

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashers.

Notice: There are six stories that come before this one. Read those first. I'll wait.

Warning: "Together" includes depictions of, discussion of, and references to, consensual incest.

Together we have seen -"The Answer to Our Life"

"Together" Part Seven:
What I'm trying to say to you / I never said to anyone -"I Promise You"

Drew dropped to his back on the bed and gazed at the ceiling.

"What's wrong?" Brian asked.

"Everything," Drew said.

Brian sat beside him, running a hand over his chest. "Talk to me."

"I ran into Nick. My brother. We were talking about what happened between him and Nick yesterday, and he called Nick a...and that's bad enough. I could've hit him. But Nick heard him. Nick and Jeff were right there, they heard him."

Brian leaned forward until his forehead was on Drew's stomach. He groaned. "Thank you, Nick."

Drew's hand rested on Brian's hair. "Jeff's mad at him. Said he has to find somewhere else to sleep tonight. I guess he can stay in my room."

Brian raised his head and looked at Drew, eyes widening. "Excuse me?"

Drew smiled. "He'll be in my room. I'll be in your room."

"That's better," Brian said. "Nick's with Jeff?"

"I think that's a good thing," Drew said.

"Nick and Jeff alone in a room with a bed," Brian said.

"Jeff wouldn't," Drew said. "Nick wouldn't."

"Your brother did."

"He's an idiot. And I can't believe he said that about Nick. Who does he think he is? But I don't think he really, I mean, I think I put him on the defensive. When Nick feels cornered he reacts."

Brian stretched out on his stomach alongside Drew, propping his chin in his hands. He thought. "I like your brother."

"Really."

"Really," Brian said.

"He hit you and threw you across a table. He has a history of treating Nick badly. He was having an affair with your husband. And you like him."

"I think it's the dimples."

Drew laughed. "I think we're perfect for each other."

"I think so," Brian agreed, smiling.

"How long should we leave Jeff and Nick behind a locked door?"

"We'll wait until we're ready to go to bed. Then we'll see if he wants to play sleepover with us."

"It was good last night. Even just sleeping together. It gave me hope. It felt good."

"Being together," Brian agreed. "Just the three of us."

Drew rolled to his side, facing Brian. "Talk dirty to me."

"Now?"

"Now."

"I can't do it on command."

"Why not?"

"Are you really in the mood?"

"No, but you're going to put me in the mood."

"What do you want me to talk about?"

"Tell me about Nick."

"Let's make a deal."

"Okay."

"I'll tell you about my first time with Nick, if you tell me about yours. Not smut, we can do that later."

"You'll do it later?"

"Yes. I promise."

"You'd better. Wait, you want me to talk about my first time with Nick?"

"I missed yours, and you missed mine. Nick talks about it, but I want your perspective."

"It's not...it wasn't...there's nothing to talk about."

"I don't believe you," Brian said.

"What am I supposed to say?"

"Try to remember it. The way things were."

Drew rolled to his back and looked at the ceiling thoughtfully. "The way I used to be."

"I picture it like Sleeping Beauty," Brian said. "Nick came along and wakened you from your sleep."

"Sleeping Beauty with a hat," Drew said.

"The hat," Brian said, reminiscing. "Ah, the good old days."

"And Nick was my prince. And you, what are you?"

"Rumpelstiltskin?" Brian guessed.

Drew laughed and rolled to his side again, propping himself on an elbow, temple on his fist. "I guess I get two princes."

"Prince Charming and Prince Brian."

"Prince Charming woke me up and took me away to a beautiful new world. He changed my life," Drew said. "Then he opened his heart and gave me to you." Drew's fingers ran down Brian's nose, brushed across Brian's forehead. "My Prince."

"He gave you to me or me to you?"

"He gave us to each other. He showed us the way to be together."

"How did he know?" Brian asked.

"I don't know," Drew said. "I didn't even know. I mean, I..."

"What? We never talk about this. I don't know anything about what you were thinking then."

"I had the biggest crush on you. It made me feel like a little girl. It wasn't like what I felt for Nick. With Nick it was like, it was this exciting new thing that was scary but I knew I'd be safe. It had that thrill of danger but I knew that there wasn't really any danger at all. I was falling in love with him and I wanted to. And I had a crush on you, but I thought that that's all it was. I thought that I could be with Nick and what I felt for you wouldn't matter. And it didn't. I was so wrapped up in what I was doing with him, all of those new feelings, all of those fears and hopes, that my feelings for you were pushed aside. Except sometimes I'd call him and you'd answer the phone and my knees went weak. Stop laughing at me."

"You're so cute."

Drew made a face at Brian and continued. "I didn't really know you well. But you were so cute and so much fun. When you were with Nick, I wasn't jealous of him, because how could I be jealous? You were too right together. But I thought, oh, I'd like to be with him. But then Nick...happened to me."

"Tell me about that."

"He acted like it was so natural. Natural for him to want me and natural for him to want to be with me and natural for him to act on those feelings. He knew I was gay and he knew that I wanted him. I don't know how he knew. But he knew. I think he was flirting with me."

"He was."

"I didn't know that. Then."

"You were flirting back."

"I was not."

"You were."

"I was not!"

"I was paying attention. It was killing me, to see the two of you together like that. He was flirting with you. He wanted you. Everyone could see it."

"Everyone?"

"And you were being so nice to him I was sure you'd be in his bed any second."

"I'm not that easy!"

"You are."

"I am not! This is my story, let me talk."

"Sorry."

"It's okay. Where was I? Nick was flirting with me. But I didn't know that. I thought he was just friendly. And then I realized that he's gay - - or bi, I didn't know then - - and I'm gay and he's available and he's really friendly and oh, Brian, he was so sexy." Drew rolled to his back and sighed with pleasure. "He was so sexy I could have eaten him up with a spoon."

Brian laughed. "And?"

"Clueless Drew that I am, it finally hit me that I wanted him. I talked to Nick and Jeff about it, and they were encouraging, which didn't really help. I didn't want them to encourage me. But they thought that Nick wanted me. And they knew that I wanted him. Was I that obvious?"

"Yes."

"Great. We went to the PET-MA's. I ran into Nick in the hallway and he told me his room number. Stop it! Of course now that's really obvious, but at the time... Anyway, then I...I never told him this."

"What?"

"I overheard you. The two of you. Talking. In the hallway."

"When?" Brian turned white. "Oh."

"You remember?"

"Remember Nick telling me he was in love with someone else? Remember him telling me that he wasn't in love with me anymore? He said that he wasn't in love with me, that he couldn't be. Not in love with me. Nick wasn't in love with me. He was in love with me, and I knew that he was, and it hurt that he was, and it hurt that he didn't want to be. It was my fault. And this little part of me was afraid that he really meant it, that he really wasn't in love with me anymore, that my Nick, my beautiful spoiled precious beloved Nick, wasn't in love with me anymore. That he could stop. That it was possible for it to end."

"Brian, I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry, too. For what I said to him. It wasn't personal. No, it was personal, I didn't want him to be with you. I didn't want him to be with anyone, but...but not with you... It's so hard to explain. And later I realized that of anyone, I wanted him to be with you. If he couldn't be with me, I wanted it to be you."

"Why?"

"Drew, I love you."

"You didn't then."

"Nick did. Where Nick's heart goes, mine follows."

Drew touched Brian's cheek. "Brian, you are the most romantic person I've ever met. You sound like a romance novel." Brian looked into his eyes and he felt himself melting. He could see Brian's love and feel Brian's desire. Those blue eyes looked right at him and right into him and gently, slowly made love to him. He leaned forward slightly, almost unconsciously. Just one kiss, he only wanted one kiss, one sweet kiss from this beautiful-

"Drew."

-beautiful man, his darling Brian, his sweet strong brave husband-

"Drew."

-whom he loved with all of his heart. All of his - - well, not all of his heart, because he also was in love with Nick, and...oh. Nick. Drew felt sick momentarily. Nick. And Brian was looking at him with understanding and compassion, of course. Brian knew what he wanted and knew what he'd been thinking and knew that they couldn't.

"You were in the hallway overhearing us," Brian prompted him gently.

"Right." Drew withdrew his hand and restarted his brain. "I tried not to panic. But I couldn't pretend that it wasn't happening. Suddenly there was someone who actually was saying that he was falling in love with me. A real live human being. Someone I'd already fallen for. We ran into him in the weight room and he invited us to dinner. Nick my brother was supportive and encouraging, but was always kind enough to remind me that Nick was sexually experienced and I wasn't allowed to do more than hold his hand. Which was really helpful. The four of us had dinner in my room. It was supposed to be in the dining room, but we ended up in my room. Jeff and Nick left and then I was alone with Nick and I had no idea what to do and he just..."

"What?"

"I wanted him, I wanted him so badly, the room was filled with sex, I could feel it, and he wanted me, he really wanted me, I'd never felt that before. And he was touching me and he was, he was so close to me, and his voice, and then he kissed my hand and he, my fingers, and I knew, and...it was so much it was too much, I couldn't escape and I didn't want to. And he kissed me. It was like having sex, right there, right then, I didn't know what I was doing and I didn't care, it felt so good, I wanted him, he wanted me. He stopped kissing me, it was like coming up out of the ocean, resurfacing, coming out of a whole different world. And he asked me if I wanted him, and I said yes, and he asked me again, and I said yes, and it was, there was, my whole body, I was so scared, it felt too good, this whole new thing, and then he kissed me, and he left, and I knew he'd come back for more, and I knew I'd give it to him."

Brian let Drew scoot closer and twist fingers in his shirt and talk to his shirt buttons. He knew that Drew would rather be hiding in Nick's embrace right now, but he didn't mind.

"I knew he wanted to have sex with me. I knew he wanted to...make love to me. I told myself that if he asked, I'd let him."

Brian had not known that. He wanted to know what had happened to change things. And had Drew truly wanted to make love, or had Drew felt compelled to let Nick do it?

"He hadn't tried to overstep boundaries. He'd respected me and he hadn't tried to do anything. No groping or taking off clothes. So I thought, okay, he's a gentleman. So to speak. I can trust him."

Brian waited.

"He said I had a chastity belt."

Brian smiled.

"The next day - - the day Jeff and Nick got together, so a pretty good day anyway - - I met Nick in the weight room and he came up to my room and I took a shower. I was in the shower and he was waiting for me and I felt excited. Giddy. Everything was new and exciting and too good to be true and I was so happy knowing that he was there with me." Drew plucked at Brian's shirt. "The shower was cold. I didn't tell him that."

Brian wanted to laugh.

"I sat with him and I, I kissed him. I really did it. It felt so good. It was liberating. I could do that, I could kiss him. I'd never kissed anybody before. I hadn't known that I could. And he was a man, he was, and I did it. And it was okay. It was good, it was great. I could kiss him. I did kiss him. He even wanted me to. If I could kiss him, then maybe, maybe I could even do other things. Maybe it was okay to do things. With Nick. With a man."

Brian waited.

"I kissed him. Just a little bit. A taste, an experiment. And he kissed me back, and, oh, he started...he started to talk to me. And he made me talk to him, he asked me questions, and, oh, we were kissing, and it was so hot, it was so dirty, he made me so hard. Brian. I wanted him. He changed everything. I knew he wanted me, so I could want him. I knew he wanted me to answer his questions, so I could, and I did, and... It was freeing, I was free. And I even, I asked him things, and it was okay, I could do that, I could ask, and he answered me, he wanted me to ask. And then, oh, there was so much, it was incredible, he did things and my whole body..."

Brian listened to Drew breathe.

"He asked me if I wanted him to, to suck me," Drew said, and his voice was small. "And I said yes. And I started to get undressed and I got naked and then he did it. He did that to me. I think my brain exploded. I know I passed out. And then we did things. Together. In my bed. And I told him that I loved him. And he said that he loved me. And the whole world was a different place. Because he loved me. Because he changed me. Because he opened up doors and let me go to new places and do new things. Because he opened up his heart, opened up himself, and let me in there. He'd already been hurt but he wasn't afraid to trust me. And he is afraid, of losing again, of being hurt again, but he loved me anyway, and he let me love him. He's so brave, Brian. He's so generous. His heart's so big."

"I know."

Drew lifted his head. His eyes were wet and his kiss was soft. "You can't leave us."

"I won't. Drew. You thought I would?"

"No. No. Maybe. No, I know you...but you like women."

"Drew, that's not...being bi doesn't mean I won't be happy unless I'm with a man and a woman. It means that I'm attracted to both genders and I have feelings for both genders. It means that I chose you and Nick over the entire population, not just half of it."

"I know, I..." Drew sighed. "Nick's scared and hurt, and it's making me scared, too."

"I won't leave you."

"Do we treat him right?"

"Yes."

"Then why is he scared and hurt?"

"We'll have to ask him."

"It's your turn."

"My turn?"

"I told you about being with Nick. It's your turn."

"What do you know already?"

"He told you he was gay. He told you he was in love with you. He kissed you and said he'd seen you naked. You were trying to say no because he was too young, but it's hard to say no to Nick when he wants something."

"I loved him. My Nick. We were best friends. And I wanted him, but that made me feel like a pedophile. He was young. He was very pretty, so very pretty. Young and slender with that swanlike neck and beautiful clear skin and that fuck-me look in his eyes."

Drew jumped at that word, startled.

"I told him that we couldn't be together, but he didn't listen to me. Nick has selective hearing and selective obedience. One day there was a problem with his hotel room, the toilet didn't flush and the bed smelled, and he asked if he could room with me. We did that all of the time, so I said sure. I took a shower. He came in there with me and he kissed me and I wanted to push him away, I did push him away, but he looked so hurt, my beautiful Nick, and I did love him, and I kissed him the way I'd always wanted to, so slow and soft, and his tongue was so shy against mine, like he'd never done this before, and then I got on my knees and I sucked that boy's dick until he howled."

Drew blinked and wondered if he was hearing things.

"We made out a lot after that. Kissed until we couldn't taste each other anymore. Every time I got my hand between his legs he said something insanely dirty, so one day I did it without kissing him, and he kept going, and it was the hottest thing I'd ever heard. He'd built up all of those fantasies, and they all came spilling out, these sweet, wicked masturbation fantasies, what he'd dreamt up to keep himself warm without me. When he figured out that I liked it when he talked that way, he started to do it more, touching me and whispering in my ear."

Drew could just imagine.

"We kept it to hand jobs and blow jobs at first. Getting Nick off was so exciting it was better than coming myself. The way he moved. You should have seen him. He was so pretty, Drew. He made me so hard. I wanted to fuck him."

Drew looked at Brian, sure that this was someone else.

"We decided to do it. I wanted him to go first, because he was so young, and I wanted to show him that it was okay."

There was an ironic, bitter twist to Brian's lips for just a second, and suddenly Drew didn't want to hear any more.

Brian was looking far away. Drew looked into his eyes, trying to see what he saw. "I read a sex manual. It said one finger only. So he gave me one finger. It hurt, I think his fingernail scraped something. But I didn't tell him. I should have. He was so nervous he was shaking, and I was trying to make him feel better. He'd started out all excited and overeager, but when it came time to do it, he was scared. We should have stopped, but we just kept going. I had to put the condom on him because he was so nervous he tore the first one. I got on my hands and knees and he pushed into me and oh, god, Drew, it hurt. It hurt a lot. I didn't tell him, and I was facing away from him so he couldn't see, and he started to do me, and I was busy trying not to scream at him to stop, and then he started to cry, and he said that he was sorry but he couldn't do it, and he was crying, and he came out of me, and there was blood, and he panicked, and oh, god, Drew, it was bad."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"He was already upset, I wanted to make him feel better, I wanted..."

"Why was he so scared? Why didn't he want to do it?"

"He wasn't ready. He'd been with girls, but...well, he's gay, so that was different. This was the real thing with someone he really cared about. And I think he knew something was wrong, even though I didn't tell him."

"What happened?"

"He cried and I held him. He didn't want to do it ever again, he didn't want to hurt me. I told him we would do it again, and it would be good. And it was. We just had to wait."

"Brian?"

"What?"

"Is that why you wanted him to make love to me first?"

"Yes."

"Is that why he wanted you to do it first?"

"Yes."

"What was his first time like?"

"Not much better."

"Why?"

"I didn't come."

"You didn't?"

"No. I made sure he did. But he was crying, and..."

"You made love to Nick and you didn't come."

"It was a bad night."

"Why was he crying?"

"It was a lot for him. It wasn't physical pain. It wasn't."

"I know you wouldn't hurt him. And after your first time..."

"We weren't very good at sex when we started," Brian said. "But we've gotten better."

"I wish I'd been there."

"He was young and I was stupid. We've both grown up since then."

"How long has Nick been your Nick?"

Brian smiled. "Ever since we fell in love. Probably since we met. We were best friends. Frick and Frack. I was the class clown, and everywhere I went, he came with me. I got to watch him grow up. Emotionally. Physically. I watched his body develop, close up and in detail."

This should not be making Drew hard.

"He filled out so nicely," Brian said. "Oh, Drew, that pretty boy, his body matured so well. He got bigger and broader and his cock...just...you should have seen it. He let me lick the hair between his legs. When he got older and he let me lick his ass, the first time I got in there he started jacking himself, he couldn't take it."

Drew was picturing it.

"We started to make love face-to-face. I got to watch him while I fucked him. I got to watch his face, his eyes, his mouth, the red in his cheeks, the way he arched his neck when he was close to orgasm. He talked dirty to me while I put my fingers in him. I always knew what he wanted. I always knew what he needed. I always knew what to give him. He always got hard for me. Drew."

Drew breathed.

"Put your hand between your thighs when I'm talking to you."

Drew obeyed.

"He always got hard for me. I always got hard for him. We made love every night. We made out on the bus. We got off in our bunks when everybody else was sleeping. They got on the bus and fell asleep, but we crawled into his bunk together and he'd give me a hand job while he whispered dirty Nick porn in my ear. His hand working my cock, his fingers wet with my pre-come, his voice talking sex, that sweet boysex voice."

Drew knew that voice.

"We learned everything we knew practicing on each other. We perfected our techniques. We knew each other, each other's minds, bodies, wants, needs. I knew where to touch him to make him hot, how to touch him, when to do it. I could have written a perfect sex manual on how to fuck Nick Carter. He was mine. His cock fit in my mouth like it was shaped just to be there. His ass, his sweet tight boy ass and his ghetto booty ass, they were made to hold my cock."

Drew didn't doubt it for a second.

"He was my Nick. I loved him like I could never love anyone else. He loved me, too. We were meant to be together. We were meant to be."

"Yes," Drew whispered.

"He's my Nick. And you're his Drew. What does that make me?" Brian asked.

"Mine," Drew said.

"Am I yours?" Brian asked.

"Yes," Drew said, "yes, yes."

"Don't come in your pants, Drew."

Drew bit his lower lip and tried not to come.

"He's mine. You're his. I'm yours."

"Yes."

"I wouldn't be yours if it weren't for Nick."

"I know. Brian, was that your dirty talk?"

"That was a trial run. I don't think I liked it. I'll have to try it again later."

"Okay."

"You can stop clutching your cock now."

"Sorry."

Brian smiled. "What haven't we talked about?"

Drew tried to drag his mind back to their conversation and away from Brian in bed with that pretty boy.

That pretty boy with the tight ass and the swanlike neck and the fuck-me look in his eyes.

Drew forced himself to stay on-topic. No matter how badly he wanted to travel back in time and kiss that beautiful boy. "Why you and Nick want me. Why you especially didn't want him to be with me."

"You were very cute. Cute in the way that puppy dogs are cute. That sweet innocent look."

"Great."

"You only started working your sex appeal after Nick woke you up and you lost the hat. Before that, you were just ridiculously cute. Justin Timberlake cute."

"Great."

"You know we called you little Drew Lachey."

"Hey!"

"We did. You were little Drew Lachey. You were cute and you were very nice. I broke up with Nick and we were at an awards ceremony and you were sitting in front of us. That night, I made myself think about you when I masturbated. And it worked."

"What?"

"I didn't want to get off thinking about Nick, because that made me feel guilty and sinful. Really guilty. And miserable. I kept trying to think of someone else. But it always turned into Nick, and that's what always got me off. That was the first time it worked when I thought of someone else."

"When you thought of me."

"Yes."

"Oh."

"So I did it again the next night. And the night after that."

"I was your masturbation fantasy?"

"Do you want me to apologize?"

"I'm not sure."

"Then I saw you again and you were gorgeous and you were friendly and your smile did this weird thing to me."

"What weird thing?"

"It made me happy."

"Oh."

"Then there was that party. Where you and Nick were flirting. The one where he left with you. I was jealous. I wanted to hate you. But I couldn't hate you. It was the worst moment, Drew. Loving Nick as deeply as I did, and seeing him with someone else. And wanting you, liking you, wishing for you, and seeing you smile at him, at him, he was mine, and you weren't mine, and..."

"It's your fault," Drew said softly.

"I know. Believe me, I know. And I knew that you could make him happy. You could be with him and make him happy and be everything that I wasn't, that I'd turned away, that I'd refused to be. You were going to take my place."

"No."

"You were."

"I couldn't. He knew that and so did I."

"It was his second chance at happiness and he deserved to take it and I knew that. I just couldn't bear to see it. His second chance. It was you. Why did it have to be you? You were going to be good for him and good to him and make him whole again. And you did."

"He deserved to be loved."

"I loved him."

"You left him."

"I hated you. I hated him."

"You hated yourself."

"I love him so much, Drew. How did I ever leave him? How did I do it?"

"I don't know."

"I can't do it again, I can't leave him. He can't leave me, I won't let him."

"He won't, he'll come back, we'll bring him back."

"He's my Nick," Brian said.

"I know."

"Is that limiting? Is that boxing? To make him mine, to-"

"No, no."

"Maybe we've done something. I've done something. Why is he scared? Why is he miserable? Why did he leave?"

"Brian, it's okay."

"He left me."

"He'll come back."

"Drew, he left me."

"Sshhh. It's okay. Come here. It's okay."

"He left me."

"Jeff, are we ever going to have sex?"

"I don't know."

"I think we should."

"Why?"

"I want you."

"Is it worth cheating on Brian and Drew for?"

"It's not cheating."

"Isn't it?"

"They won't care anyway."

"Why not?"

"They expect me to. I'm a slut."

"You are not a slut."

"I am. You know I am."

"I know you. I know you are not a slut."

"Everybody else says so."

"Nick, do I look like someone you'd want to mess with?"

"You're a fuzzy kitten."

"Pretend you don't know that. Do I look like somebody you'd want to mess with?"

"No."

"That's right. Anyone who says you're a slut, I'll make him regret it. You're not a slut."

"Nick said so."

"Nick's going to regret saying that. He's wrong. He knows that he's wrong."

"I am a slut."

"You are not a slut. Stop saying that. Why do you say that?"

"I am."

"You're not! Nick, come here. Look at me. Look at me. Say, 'I.'"

"I."

"Am."

"Not. Say it. Say it. Not."

"Not."

"A. It's okay. Say it. A. It's okay."

"A."

"Say that again. I am not a. Nick, please. I am not a."

"I can't."

"It's okay. Come on. Just once. Just once. I am not a."

"I."

"That's it."

"I am."

"Not. You are not."

"I am not."

"I am not a slut."

"I can't-"

"You can. Nick, you can. You will. You're going to say it. I am not a slut."

"I...am...not."

"I am not a slut."

"Does that feel better?"

"No."

"It will."

"I hate you."

"That's okay."

"You're evil and you're mean to me."

"I know."

"Why are you mean to me?"

"Because I care about you very much. I know that you deserve to be treated like a human being."

"You made me cry."

"I'm sorry."

"I don't like you anymore. I want to go home."

"Where's home, Nick?"

"Home's my nice happy place with Brian and Drew in our nice new house. Cuddling and teasing and kissing and being warm and cosy and they're so funny and sexy I want to wrap them up and take them home with me but we are home and it's perfect."

"That sounds very happy," Jeff said softly.

"Except I can't go there anymore."

"Why not?"

"I think... Jeff?"

"What's wrong?"

"I think I just broke up with Brian."

"Why?"

"We already talked about this."

"You love Brian. Why would you break up with him?"

"He's going to leave me. I want to leave him first this time."

"This time."

"Last time he left me. This time it's my turn."

"This time you decide."

"Right."

"It's about control. He hurt you. Now you'll hurt him."

"He's not hurt."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"He's not hurt that you left him."

"He has her."

"Kelly."

"Don't say her name."

"I'm sorry."

"Brian left me for her and Drew left me for Nick and are you leaving, too?"

"I won't leave. But I'm already married to someone."

"He's with Drew."

"He's with me."

"They're in love."

"It's a different kind of love."

"Drew gives him sex. Drew won't give me sex. 'Where's Brian?' 'We need Brian.' He doesn't even want me anymore."

"Why wouldn't he want you?"

"I'm not worth it. I'm not good enough."

"Not good enough for what?"

"For Drew."

"Why not?"

"I'm..." Nick closed his mouth.

"You're not a slut."

Nick looked at Jeff.

"You're not a slut."

"But I don't have anything else to give him."

"What about yourself?"

"What about myself?"

"Your time, your attention, your energy. Your love."

"Other people can give him that."

"Not like you can."

"Why not?"

"They come from you."

"But they don't matter."

"Why not?"

"They're just mine."

"That's why they matter. Because they're yours. Your time, your attention, your energy, your love. You can share your life with him, your stories, your ideas, your thoughts."

"He won't care."

"Do you remember when you first started to talk to Drew? When you were first interested?"

"His eyes were so pretty and he smiled at me."

"He was paying attention to you. You talked and he listened. He was interested in you."

"Yeah. He liked me. I could feel him liking me."

"You liked that?"

"It was scary but it was good."

"What about when you got your new house and you moved in together?"

"What about it?"

"Did Drew pay attention to you? Did he talk to you and listen to you? Did he want to spend time with you?"

"Yeah. We shared things. The house and Brian and groceries."

"Interesting list."

"You know what I mean."

"What about when you saw Drew again? When you came here and saw him?"

"What about it?"

"Did he want to be with you?"

"He came to my door and said he wanted to see me."

"And?"

"I closed the door and wouldn't let him in but he tried again and he said he wanted to talk about her so I let him in."

"He wanted to talk to you."

"About her."

"Why?"

"He said I was young and beautiful."

Jeff smiled. "He's right."

"It's from his tattoo."

"I know. I like it."

"He tattooed me right there on his body. It's permanent."

"Yes."

"Nick tattooed you on him."

"Yes, he did."

"Do you lick it sometimes?"

"Yes."

"I lick Drew's. I wonder if they licked each other's. When they were together. I don't want Nick's tongue on my tattoo. You were...you were with Drew."

"Yes."

"You made love to my Drew."

"Yes."

"Did you lick the tattoo?"

"I kissed it."

"Did he like it?"

"He whispered your name."

"Did he?"

"Yes."

"I'm not mad at you."

"It's okay if you are."

"I'm not. I'm not mad or jealous or...it's just... You love him and he loves you and I want it to be okay for you to be together, but it's supposed to be a group thing, it's supposed to be because of Drew and Nick, it's supposed to be all of us in this together. That was just the two of you together and that's different."

"I know."

"I'm not jealous. It just feels wrong. It feels..."

"Dangerous."

"Sort of."

"I'm not sorry that I made love with Drew. I'm sorry that the rest of you weren't there with us. But he wouldn't accept Nick. And the two of you were far away."

"He needed someone and we asked you to do it."

"Thank you for trusting me."

"I trust you. You never let things go too far."

"I never let you go too far."

"I want to have sex with you. I want to feel good naked with someone who likes me."

"You miss that?"

"I miss that. These days my sex life is either nonexistent or with the wrong people at the wrong times."

"You haven't been with Brian?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Don't want him."

"I do."

"You can have him."

"You wouldn't mind?"

"You're welcome to him. Take him. Take Drew. Take Nick. I don't care."

"What about you?"

"You can't have me."

"I can't?"

"No. I'm going to be a virgin."

"Are you."

"Yes. I'm a virgin. You can't have me. Nobody can."

"We'll miss you."

"Tough shit for you."

"We can still be friends."

"Maybe."

"Even if you're not having sex with Brian and Drew anymore, we can still be friends."

"If you're nice."

"I'll be nice. I want to treat you well."

"Why?"

"You deserve to be treated well."

"No one else thinks so."

"Doesn't Brian treat you well?"

"Brian sucks."

"Since when?"

"Since a shower in a hotel in Germany. First time he gave me a blow job. He sucked too hard and my head exploded. Damn that was good."

"Is Brian a good lover?"

"Brian's the best. No, I'm the best. You're very good, I think. And Drew's so sexy. But Brian's good."

"Why?"

"Bet you'd like to know."

"I would."

"I won't tell. It's a secret."

"You can tell me."

"I'll tell you why Brian's good if you tell me something."

"What do you want to know?"

"Are you really in love with that-"

"Don't call him names."

"Are you? Really? Him?"

"Yes, I'm really in love with Nick."

"Why?"

"Aren't you?"

"No."

"I thought you were."

"Him? No. No."

"Well, I am."

"Why?"

"Why do you love Brian?"

"I don't."

"He'll be surprised to hear that."

"Good for him."

"Why is he a good lover?"

"He's not. I changed my mind. He's lousy in bed. Can't even kiss right."

"I thought he kissed very well."

"You've kissed him. I missed it the second time. Was it good? Did you like it? Was he sexy?"

"He was very good. He made me very hard."

"Very hard?"

"Very hard. He was very sexy. I wanted him."

"Tell me more."

"You've kissed Brian. You've had him kiss you. You've had him under you, kissing you, letting you rub the inside of his thigh. I wanted to slide my hand up higher and cup him, feel him, feel the size of him, feel how hard he was. But I couldn't."

"I would have."

"Does he feel good in your hand?"

"So good. Turns me on."

"I'll bet."

"He gets hard and I touch him and he gets harder. He'll whisper my name all sexy. Drew gets kind of greedy if you start getting him hot. You know, begging and trying to get more. Brian gets into it, goes with whatever you're doing, tries to get you off. He gets off more on other people than on what's happening to his cock. Unless you hold him down and do him. Then he goes nuts. Like if you suck him, and he just has to take it."

"He goes nuts?"

"He pants and he moans and he loves it, he absolutely loves it, it's the sexiest thing. I love making Brian horny. Because he always tries to put the focus on the other person, and when it's all on him, he can't take it. He goes into overload. You have no idea how horny he is until you make him face it. You've never seen him naked."

"No, I haven't."

"You should. He looks good. Brian has a good body. Very cute ass. Lickable little nipples. I've seen you naked."

"I remember."

"You look good naked. Not in the same way. Drew looks good naked."

"Yes. What about you?"

"Me?"

"Do you look good?"

"I'm a major stud."

"That's not what I asked."

"Do I look good? What do you mean?"

"Are you physically attractive?"

"Sure. Ask those screaming girls outside."

"I'm asking you."

"If I'm good-looking? Yeah. I'm the cute Backstreet Boy."

"Nick. Are you physically attractive?"

"Yeah."

"You don't believe that, do you?"

"Yes. I'm...I'm...I'm..."

"You're what?"

"I'm overweight and my hair looks like shit and my skin breaks out and I have to wear glasses and none of that matters because Brian says I'm beautiful and Brian wouldn't lie."

"Brian says you're beautiful?"

"Yes."

"Do you believe him?"

"No."

"Does he believe it?"

"Yes."

"Why don't you?"

"Look at me."

"I think Brian's right."

"You do?"

"You are beautiful."

"The first time I got naked in front of Drew he said I was gorgeous."

"He was right."

"Then he said he was in love with me."

"He was."

"Drew doesn't lie."

"No, he doesn't."

"Gorgeous."

"Yes."

"They've seen me at my worst. Brian, he's seen me short-tempered and stupid and sick and first thing in the morning and after a week of no sleep. He's seen me when I'm acting like a complete asshole and when I'm drunk."

"Drunk?"

"Let's not talk about that."

"All right."

"He's seen me at my worst."

"And?"

"And he still kisses me and tells me how much he loves me. And he means it just as much. Sometimes more. Sometimes when I'm at my worst is when he loves me most."

"That happens."

"I don't understand him."

"He loves you."

"I don't know why."

"I don't know why Brian loves you. I can't. I know why I love you."

"You love me?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because you're you. Because you're Nick and you're special and you're fun and you're sexy and you say what's on your mind and you don't let other people get away with things. Because you can look in my eyes and see my soul and tell me what's in there. Because you were hurt very badly and you took a second chance and you let Brian back again when you didn't have to. Because you made Brian and Drew marry each other instead of asking them to marry you. Because I want to make love with you. Because you let me sit here and try to help you. Because you're amazing, Nick, and it makes me very sad that you don't understand that."

"I'm amazing."

"Yes."

"We can have sex now."

"No, we can't."

"I'm a free agent."

"No, you're not."

"I broke up with Brian."

"You still love him."

"So what?"

"Did you break up with Drew?"

"Uh..."

"Did you?"

"Kind of."

"You'd better make sure."

"What?"

"You'd better make sure. We can't have sex until you break up with Drew."

"What?"

"Go ahead. Go break up with Drew."

"You want me to?"

"If you're going to do it, you have to do it right."

"Now?"

"Right now. Better get it over with so you can move on with your life."

"You want me to..."

"You broke up with Brian. How hard can it be? Go ahead."

"I don't know where he is."

"You'll find him."

"Come with me."

"You'd better do it by yourself. I'll wait here."

"Break up with Drew."

"Right."

"Okay," Nick said softly, and left the sofa. "I'll...be back."

"Do you remember the time we went to that club?"

"The gay bar?"

"Yes! And Nick got so mad-"

"That was hilarious. That was great."

"You were so bad."

"I was? What about you?"

"Me?"

"Don't give me that innocent Drew look. You were doing that on purpose."

"I wasn't doing anything! I was out having a nice time."

"Oh, is that what you call it?"

"I was getting to know the locals. Learning about the gay population."

"Oh, it was an educational experience."

"Exactly."

"We should have taped it for The Learning Channel."

"We should have."

"Drew's Adventures with Orlando's Male Homosexual Population."

"That's right."

"Subtitle: Drew Flirts with an Entire Bar Full of Men and-"

"Hey!"

"-and Acts Like a Naive Innocent When They Try to Pick Him up-"

"Who's the one who started that porn sex dance in the middle of the-"

"Porn sex dance?"

"What do you call it? Searching me for spare change without using your hands?"

Brian laughed. "You were having such fun with your new gay friends, I decided to join the party."

"The party in my pants."

"Oh, did that make you hard?"

"In front of everybody!"

"Nobody was looking."

"They were too busy trying to take you home."

"Take me home? What about you? How many invitations did you get?"

"Some of those men were not subtle."

"Poor Nick. He didn't know what to do with us."

"He probably didn't expect us to do that well."

"Oh, I knew Drew Lachey would be able to handle himself in a gay bar."

"Thank you. You did very well, too."

"And Nick. When that guy tried to grab your-"

"Oh, we were out of there," Drew said. "Nick almost broke the guy's fingers."

"He almost broke my ankle shoving me out the door."

"He was mad."

"He wasn't really."

"He's so cute when he's angry."

"I know. He gets all red."

"And he gets dominant."

"Why, Drew, do you like that?"

"Don't tell him."

"You have to be the kinkiest person behind that sweet smile."

"I am. It's our secret. Hey." Drew sat up at the knock. "Company."

"It's Nick," Brian said.

Drew looked at Brian.

"Answer it."

Drew left the bed, wiping his hands on his jeans. He checked the peephole. It was Nick. Drew took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Hi," Nick said, and he looked around nervously, not meeting Drew's eyes.

"You want to come in?"

"No."

"Okay. It's good to see you." Drew resisted the urge to touch. "I'm sorry."

"What?"

"For a lot of things. For what Nick said. He was wrong, Nick, he didn't mean it. I'm really sorry."

Nick closed his eyes and whispered "Imnotaslut" superfast. Then he opened his eyes and said, "I need to break up with you."

Drew waited with unnatural calm for the room to stop spinning. "What?"

"I said."

"You need to break up with me."

"That's it."

"Why?"

"So I can have sex with Jeff."

"You need to break up with me so you can have sex with Jeff."

"Yes."

"You want to have sex with Jeff."

"Yes."

"You know what, Nick? So do I. In fact, I've had sex with Jeff, and while I wouldn't go so far as to call it a religious experience, it was very, very, very good. He's excellent. But you know what? When it came down to it, I chose to be with you instead. I had the choice of hurting you, or of continuing to be with my brother and, by extension, Jeff. I chose to stop being with them and stop hurting you, because I'd never meant to hurt you. And now you're saying that you need to break up with me so you can have sex with Jeff. Is it worth it? You'd rather have sex with Jeff than be with me?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry. That's too bad. You can't."

"What?"

"You're right, Nick. You're not a slut. You connect physical affection with emotions. You relate sex to love. You express your love through sexual affection. I'm sure that you love Jeff, and I'm sure that you want to have sex with him. But you're not doing it at the expense of our relationship. You are not breaking up with me. You are not dumping me. You're my boyfriend. You're going to stay my boyfriend. I'm your boyfriend, and I will be your boyfriend for a long time to come. If you want to cheat on me and screw my brother-in-law, that's your decision. But you're not dumping me to do it."

"I broke up with you."

"Sorry. You didn't. You tried to break up with Brian."

"But-"

"I'm married to Brian. We're united in marriage. We're practically one person. If you're my boyfriend, that makes you his boyfriend, too. If I'm your boyfriend, Brian's your boyfriend. I guess you didn't break up with him, either."

"No, I-"

"But you go ahead. Have sex with Jeff if you want. We'll be here waiting for you. We've been lying in here talking about you."

"Talking about me?"

"I was telling Brian about my first time with you, the first time you kissed me."

"When I seduced you."

"When you changed my life."

"Changed your life?"

"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, Nick. You're my first love. You're a special place in my heart. You gave me love and you showed me the possibilities within myself. You gave me Brian, you showed me the way to Nick and to Jeff, you gave me everything. You gave me your heart and you trusted me with it. You gave me yourself. I'd never been trusted with anything so precious."

Nick rubbed his ears to make sure they were working.

"You let me love you, Nick. You showed me how. You gave me yourself. And then you gave me Brian. You loved me, and you gave me to him. You love so much, Nick, you love so fully, there's such trust and faith and generosity in you."

Drew was saying things to him.

"If you want to share some of that love with Jeff, that's your right," Drew said. "We'll be here waiting for you."

"I'm not a slut."

"I know that."

"I'm a virgin."

Drew looked puzzled.

"I want to go home."

"We're your home."

"I want to go to bed."

"All right."

"Alone."

"All right."

"Do you have a bed?"

"It's right in here."

"Jeff was mean to me."

"I'm sorry."

"He made me cry."

"I'm sorry, Nick."

"I'm good-looking."

"You're beautiful."

"Brian says so, too."

"Brian's right."

"Brian's always right. It's annoying. What a nice bed. I'll sleep here."

"All right."

"I miss Brian."

"Do you?"

"He pets me and says pretty things. I want him to tuck me in." Nick closed his eyes. "I miss him."

Brian arranged the sheets up over Nick's shoulders and smoothed Nick's hair. "Go to sleep," he whispered. "Have good dreams of happiness and Drew." He ran his fingers down Nick's cheek. "I love you, Nick. You are beautiful. Go to sleep, sweetheart."

Nick smiled. Brian kissed his cheek.

"He's a virgin?" Drew whispered.

"No clue," Brian said, and reached under the covers to take off Nick's shoes. "I want to go talk to Jeff."

"Whatever they talked about was private."

"Too bad."

"You know Jeff wouldn't really have had sex with him."

"Why does everyone want Jeff?"

"What?"

"Why does everyone want Jeff?"

"Am I supposed to answer that, or are you just mad for another reason?"

"I'm not mad."

"You're upset."

"I'm not upset."

"You're jealous?"

"I'm not jealous!"

"You're going to wake up Nick."

"Good! Then he can go off and screw Jeff like he wanted to!"

"You're jealous. You're - - why are you jealous? You told Jeff to have sex with me!"

"I know!"

"It's your fault he did it."

"I know that."

"Nick and Jeff have had this flirtation."

"I know."

"It doesn't mean anything."

"It means a lot."

"Why are you jealous of Jeff? We all want you, too."

"Everyone wants you and everyone wants Jeff and everyone wants Nick and now Nick's getting off your brother and what about me?"

"Brian, dear sweet Brian, you're very cute."

"Don't patronize me."

"We do want you. We all want you. Jeff kissed you, remember?"

"Yeah."

"Everyone's had sex with me, and Jeff invites sexual attention, and Nick is obvious in his affections. But we all want you. I want you, Nick wants you, Jeff wants you, my brother wants you. You shouldn't be jealous."

"I'm not jealous."

"Good."

"Don't patronize me."

"You already said that."

"You want me?"

"Very much."

"I really wish we could make love."

"I know."

"We have to wait."

"Until we're together again for good."

"Maybe we could give Nick subliminal messages in his sleep."

"Maybe you could pet him and say pretty things to him."

"Okay."

"I'll go talk to Jeff for you."

"No, stay here with us."

"All right."

"You can pet Nick, too."

"Do I have to say pretty things, too?"

"Yes."

"I don't know how."

"Then say whatever comes to mind."

"Okay, but don't listen."

"I won't."

They climbed onto the bed, one on either side of Nick. Brian spooned up behind him and touched his hair and whispered soft words of love. Drew traced the lines of Nick's face and spoke gentle, private confessions.

Nick slept and dreamt.

"He lets you call him 'sweetheart?'" Drew asked.

"He said since I can't call you 'sweetheart,' I might as well say it to him."

"You did call me that. Once."

"You remember."

"Yes."

"I figured that one time I could get away with it."

"You picked a good moment."

"You're the only one I would have given Nick to."

"Thank you."

"I wasn't going to fight you for him. Or him for you."

"You could have. You would have won. You could have taken him from me."

"I'm not sure. You were so good to him, and you loved him so much... He loved you. You made him happy. Very happy."

"He deserves happiness."

"Then why is he this miserable?"

"Nick gives out a lot of love."

"He doesn't feel loved as much in return?" Brian asked.

Drew nodded.

"I can't love him any more than I already do."

"How much you love him isn't the issue. It's how loved he feels."

"He doesn't know I love him," Brian said. "No. He knows I love him. He doesn't know if I'll keep loving him. If I'll always love him. If I'll stay here with him."

"How could we ever stop loving him?" Drew asked.

"I think Jeff helped him."

"I know Nick didn't."

"I'm going to have a talk with your brother."

"After we take care of this," Drew said. "I'm putting him on a back burner."

"I don't think he deserves you."

"I don't think so, either. I'm too good for him."

Brian smiled and caressed Nick's shoulder. "We all knew that."

"You really called me little Drew Lachey?"

"Yes."

"That's pretty funny, coming from you."

"I'm bigger than you are."

"In some ways."

"Drew, I'm shocked."

"Maybe that's part of why I had a crush on you. You were my size. It's nice to hug someone my size."

"It is," Brian agreed.

"But I like being with Nick, too. He's big. He's nice to curl up against. He cuddles me. Not that I need cuddling."

"Of course not."

"I'm a grown man."

"Right."

"But it's nice anyway."

Brian smiled. "He likes to hold you in his lap. He says you're just the right size."

"I love Nick."

"I love you."

"As long as that's understood," Drew said.

"We'll have to tell Nick when he wakes up," Brian said.

"We can tell him now," Drew said. He kissed Nick's cheek softly and whispered, "I love you, Nick."

"I love you, Nick," Brian said. "I'll be here with you when you wake up."

matthew@matthewtime.com
"Together" Part Eight
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