Copyright February 2-28, 2001 by Matthew Haldeman-Time

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people.  The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life.  This writing is a work of fiction.  I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashers.

Notice: There are six stories that come before this one.  Read those first.  I'll wait.

Warning: "Together" includes depictions of, discussion of, and references to, consensual incest.

        Maybe he could get a key from the front desk.  It was his room; he was allowed to be in there.

        Jeff wouldn't throw him out physically.

        Maybe Jeff would let him in if he knocked.

        Probably not.

        It was worth a shot.

        He knocked.  It didn't sound as confident as he wanted.

        The door opened.  Jeff was wearing jeans.  Only jeans.  Bare feet.  Bare...  Nick saw this body every day and he still couldn't get over it.

        "I'm up here."

        Nick guiltily looked into Jeff's eyes.

        "Did you want something?"  Jeff was in the doorway, one hand on the doorknob, one hand on the doorjamb.  It was not an inviting pose.  It was a "You have two seconds before I close this door in your face" pose.

        "Can I come in?"

        "No."

        "It's my room."

        A very subtle shift around Jeff's eyes, a very slight twitch of Jeff's lips, and Nick read, "Is that supposed to impress me?"

        "Let me in."

        "Why?"

        "It's my room.  I'm going to go in and brush my teeth and go to sleep.  In my bed.  You're welcome to join me."

        "Who else is welcome to join you?" Jeff asked.

        "What?"  He'd been going for the dominant role there, but Jeff had thrown him.

        Jeff crossed his arms over his chest.  God damn it.  If he thought that Nick was going to be intimidated by some masculine display...well, he was right.  That was one impressive...  Oh, Jeff was talking.  "Until you apologize to Nick, to Brian, and to Drew, you have nothing to say to me."

        "I'm going to apologize.  Tomorrow.  Tomorrow morning."

        "Good.  I'll see you then."

        "Wait."  Loophole.  Good thinking, Lachey.  Timmons-Lachey, he automatically corrected himself.  "You said that I can't talk to you."

        "Yes."

        "That doesn't mean I can't stay here."

        "Yes, it does."

        "No, it doesn't.  This is my room and my bed.  I'm staying here.  You can't kick me out of my own room."

        "Can't I?" Jeff's expression asked.

        "Jeff, come on.  I won't talk to you if you're going to be immature about this.  But-"

        "I'm being immature?"

        Shit.  "I-"

        "Get in here," Jeff said, grabbing him by the front of his shirt and jerking him into the room.  Nick straightened his shirt while Jeff locked the door.  "Get in that bed and go to sleep," Jeff said.  "I don't want one word out of you until you've apologized to Nick and Brian and Drew and they've all forgiven you."

        Whoa.  Well, he was in.  Nick paused a moment, to make sure that Jeff wouldn't start throwing him around the room, then hurried to the bathroom to pee and brush his teeth.

        Hey.  They could have sex without talking.

        Well, they could.  Hmm.  Was it worth a shot?

        What was the worst that could happen?  He'd already spent a night on the sofa.

        He'd gotten into the room.  And into the bed.  Did he dare to press his luck?

        Nick got naked, completely naked, and got into the bed.  He settled on his side and, while Jeff was in the bathroom, stroked up his cock a little.  When he was half-hard and feeling good, he closed his eyes and pouted his lips and feigned sleep.

        Jeff crawled in beside him.  Didn't touch him.

        He waited.

        More movement.  The bedside lamp clicked off and darkness descended.  Nick waited.  Jeff rolled over beside him.  He waited.  At this rate, he'd fall asleep before anything happened.

        Fingers along his jaw.  "You don't think before you act.  You do things on impulse.  You need to stop and think about what you're doing, Nick."  Jeff's voice moved closer; Jeff's breath passed his cheek.  "You're an unthinking idiot, but you're my unthinking idiot, and I love you for it."  Jeff kissed his mouth.  "I love you, Nick, and I forgive you for what you did with Nick.  Promise me that next time someone comes on to you and you want to go along with it, you'll stop before it goes too far."

        He opened his eyes and found Jeff in the darkness.  "I promise."  Jeff was forgiving him.  It made him feel even worse.

        "I want you to tell me, right now, that you will never again call Nick a slut or a whore or anything else like it."

        "I'm sorry."

        "Tell me."

        "I won't."

        "Okay."  Jeff kissed him again.  "You're officially forgiven.  He gave you a handjob?"

        "Uh...yeah."

        Jeff rolled away.  The light came on again, and Jeff tugged down the covers, exposing Nick's body.  "I'm going to remind you whose hand belongs there."

        Whoa.  He was about to get some.  Without even asking for it.  And maybe if he - "He licked my neck, too."

        "And your ear."

        "Yeah."  If Jeff wanted to replicate the experience, why not go all the way?

        "You liked that."

        "Uh...yeah."  He liked having his neck licked.  He liked the feel of a hot, wet tongue on his skin, being licked, being wanted, getting-

        "And he talked to you."

        "Yeah."  Oh, yeah.

        "You want me to talk to you?"

        What?  "About what?"

        "About how much I want your mouth on my-"

        "You wouldn't."

        "I wouldn't?"

        "You don't do that."

        "Don't you want me to?"

        "No."

        "No?"

        "No, I...  You wouldn't."

        "Try me."

        "You're going to talk dirty to me?"

        "Sure."

        "You don't even know how."

        "Yes, I do."

        "Can we turn off the light?"

        "No.  I want to watch you."

        "Watch me what?"

        Jeff's answer sent a rush of heat through Nick's body.

        "Hey," Howie said, tucking his hair behind his ear.

        AJ lounged in the doorway.  "Can I come in?"

        "Sure.  How's Lance?"

        AJ sauntered over and lowered himself beside Howie on the floor.  "He says he's going to forgive me, but I don't know if he can.  You haven't found Chris?"

        "I think he's gone."

        "He can't be gone.  Off the premises?  Out of Kendig?"

        "I don't know where he is.  He might have disappeared.  He'll have to come back at the end of the week."

        "You think he's taken off to avoid you?"

        "AJ...  Tell me he doesn't know."

        "Lance thinks he does."

        Howie slid onto his back and put a hand over his face.  "He knows."

        "He knows," AJ agreed, stretching out alongside Howie, on his stomach, propped on his elbows.  "That's my guess.  That's Lance's guess."

        "That's why he took off."

        "Yep."

        "Then why did he..."

        "What?"

        "We made love.  Why would he make love with me if he knew..."

        "Maybe you're so sexy he couldn't resist."

        "Probably."  Howie rolled to his stomach and lowered his head onto his crossed arms.  "I'm dead."

        AJ slid his fingers through Howie's hair.  "You did get out the proposal before he disappeared.  So he knows that's what you want."

        "It is what I want.  It's all I want."

        "Wedded bliss with little Chris.  It'll be good for you, D.  He loves you."

        "I love him."

        "I know.  You're crazy about him.  He makes you happy.  He makes you glow."

        "I glow?"

        "Like a pregnant woman."

        "I don't want to look like a pregnant woman.  I don't like the sound of this."

        AJ chuckled, his voice low, his cheek warm on Howie's naked shoulder.  "I'm saying Chris makes you glow, Howie."

        Howie looked at AJ over his shoulder.  "Yeah?"

        AJ smiled.  "Yeah."

        "Hi," JC said absently.

        "He wants to know if your butt still hurts."

        "My butt's fine, thanks."  JC started scratching out lines.

        "Maybe I shouldn't have."

        "What?" JC asked, looking up briefly.  He frowned and looked at Justin again.  "What?"

        "Maybe I shouldn't have...maybe we shouldn't have had sex.  Like that.  Maybe it was too soon."

        "Justin, I didn't give birth, I got a tattoo."

        "Have you looked at it?"

        "Yeah."

        "Let me see.  Come on, JC, you haven't let me look at it.  Since when can't I stare at your butt?"

        "You can't.  It's your punishment for doing this to me.  Justin, you know how I feel about needles."

        "More terrifying than castration."

        "Yes."

        "You're saying you'd let me castrate you, too?"

        "How would that benefit you?"

        "Good point.  Let me see it, please."

        "I can't believe I let you do this to me."

        "It wasn't that bad."

        "You weren't the one with someone shoving needles up his-"

        "Just let me see it."

        "I don't know why I let you rule my life."

        "Because I let you rule mine.  It's only fair."

        "I don't rule your life."

        "You are my life, JC.  Let's not get weird.  Just show me your butt."

        JC sighed and stood.  "You'd better not laugh.  Or take pictures."

        "You're paranoid."

        "You're the one who tapes our private moments.  How do I know you don't have a videocamera running right now?"

        "Let me go get one."

        "Stay."  JC pulled off his T-shirt and sighed.  "You have to see it?"

        "Yes."

        "Why did you want me to get it?"

        "At first I didn't.  I didn't want to defile your body.  But it's art, JC.  And it's a symbol.  Just having it done was proof that you trust me.  It's a permanent mark to show the impact I've had on you."

        "I do trust you.  I don't know why, since you paid a stranger to torture me."

        "It's a tattoo, JC.  You like mine.  I don't know how many times you've licked them."

        "I lick you everywhere."

        "Literally.  Come on, just show me the ink."

        JC finished undressing and crossed his arms over his chest.  He put on his grim face and glared at the wall.

        Justin walked around behind him.  Stopped.  Stared.  "Oh, JC."  Justin knelt.

        Joey tossed it back to Lance.  "Why?"

        "It's the right thing to do."

        "The Christian thing to do."

        "The human thing.  The good thing.  The right thing.  Forgiveness.  Acceptance."

        "Accept and forgive that the one person you love and trust and have given yourself to trashed everything for no reason?"

        "It wasn't for no reason."

        "What was the reason?"

        "I don't know."

        "You're mad."

        "Of course I'm mad!"

        "Good."

        "Good?"

        "You should be mad.  You have every right to be mad.  You should be furious and enraged and-"

        "I am!"

        "Good!"

        "I hate him.  I hate him.  I hate AJ and I hate Howie and I hate Backstreet Boys and I hate myself and I hate Michel Danceny and I hate Jay Leno and-"

        "And?"

        "And I love him so much I want everything to go away so I can get him back in my bed.  But he's..."

        "Say it."

        "He's a two-timing egocentric over-inked skinny balding bastard and I hate him and he deserves to rot in Hell for what he's done!"

        "Yes!"

        "He hurt me and he hurt Chris and he betrayed everything we had together.  He told me that he loved me and I believed him.  He called me on the phone and begged me, begged me-"

        "AJ McLean begged?"

        "He begged me to talk dirty to him.  Nick does it and AJ likes my voice and-"

        "Did you do it?"

        "Sort of."

        "You did it!  Lance Bass, you dirty old man."

        "I'm younger than you are.  It wasn't that bad.  I think it was...it was that it was me, I was saying it, that's what mattered.  More than what I said."

        "Does he love you?"

        "He says he does."

        "Does he act like he does?"

        "He cheated on me.  He says he's sorry for it."

        "What he says doesn't matter.  You have to watch what he does."

        "How can I hate him this much and still want him in my bed?"

        "You're in love with him and you really need to get laid."

        "If he touched me I'd hit him.  But I want his touch.  How sick is that?"

        "You're not listening to me.  You're in love with him.  Nothing from there on in will make any sense except in that context."

        "I love him."

        "Yes."

        "I want him to die."

        "Yes."

        Nick blinked slowly.

        Jeff climbed on top of him and got comfortable.  "Good night."

        "Jeff..."

        "What," Jeff asked, yawning, fingers running up Nick's side.

        That tickled.  "I'm the luckiest man on the planet."

        "You are," Jeff agreed.  "No."

        "No?"

        "You're the second luckiest."

        "Who's first?"

        "Guess."

        "Drew."

        "No."

        "Justin Timberlake."

        "Try again."

        "Nick."

        "Me."

        "You?"

        "Me."

        "You're the luckiest man on the planet?"

        "Yes."

        "Oh."

        Jeff slid up a little and kissed Nick.  "Go to sleep."

        "You're deranged."

        "I think it's catching.  I'm sorry that I called you an unthinking idiot.  I didn't mean to call you names."

        Jeff was apologizing.  To him.  Nick felt lower than pond scum.  "It's okay.  I really, really, really messed up.  And then I made it worse."

        "You can make it up to us."

        "How?"

        "We'll show you."

        "This sounds ominous.  You're not hatching weird plans, are you?"

        "Maybe.  Go to sleep."

        He wasn't sure that he could sleep with that hanging over his head.  But he was warm and comfortable and holding Jeff.  In that position, sleep came easily.

        "He told you that?"

        "I didn't believe him.  There was no way he told you to do it and you just did it."

        "I did.  He told me to take off my clothes, so..."  A hand rubbing up and down his thigh, an absent caress.

        "So you did.  And you say you're not easy."

        "I think he's waking up."

        Fingers in his hair moving forward to stroke his cheeks.  "Nick?"  Petal-soft kisses over his temple.

        "I'm not easy," Drew's voice said softly but firmly.

        "Drew, you're very easy," Brian's voice whispered, amused.  "Are you awake, sweetheart?"

        "I can't believe he lets you call him that."

        "I'm not allowed to say it too often."

        "We need a name for you."

        "An endearment?"

        "I don't know what would be appropriate."

        "Cheating lying bastard," Nick suggested.

        Silence.

        "He's awake," Brian said, and his voice shook a little.

        Nick opened his eyes.  Drew was right there.  Brian was behind him, out of sight.  Drew's hand was warm on his thigh through his jeans; Brian had stopped touching him.

        "Brian isn't cheating or lying," Drew said, looking Nick right in the eyes.  "He hasn't and he won't."

        "It doesn't matter," Nick said.  He sat up and slid down the bed, getting off at the foot to avoid crawling over either one of them.  This was Drew's room.  He ran his hands through his hair and tugged his clothes into order.  "I'm a free agent now.  If he wants to cheat on you or not, it's none of my business."

        "Nick-"

        "Have a nice life."

        "Nick, you can't break up with us."

        "I already did."

        "Nick-"

        "Bye."  He left without looking back at them.

        There was a curious lightness.  He was free.  No more Brian.  No more Drew.  No more fear and wondering.  It was over.  He had nothing left to lose.  He'd given it all away.

        "That would be a great look for you, AJ.  Here, take off your - - what are you doing wearing sunglasses inside?"

        "It's a look."

        "I'm the only one seeing you, and I'm not going to be impressed."

        "I don't impress you?"

        "I know you too well to fall for it.  What do you think?  Red or yellow?"

        "Yellow's no good.  Red works."

        "This red or this one?"

        "What's - - Sunset Destiny and Burgundy Allure?"

        "I don't name them, AJ."

        "Do I want to be alluring?"

        "That's not really your thing."

        "I don't think so, either.  Give me this one."

        "Sunset Destiny it is.  You don't want the...what is this?"

        "Chameleon Gold."

        "It looks like an underripe banana."

        "Give it to Kevin."

        "I don't want Kevin looking like this.  I don't think that anyone should look like this."

        "Here we go."  AJ turned on the water.  "You want to look like an underripe banana?"

        "No, thanks."

        "You want to look alluring?"

        "I am not dyeing my hair."

        "Come on, D.  Try it.  You'll like it."

        "Don't give me the coaxing voice.  It won't work."

        "Just one time.  It won't hurt a bit."

        "Not the happy eyes.  AJ, no, I don't - - AJ, you are not - - ah!  AJ!"

        "You're already in the shower, you might as well-"

        "You're supposed to take your clothes off before you get in the shower, you-"

        "I did."

        "I didn't!"

        "That's your problem, not mine.  You want Burgundy Allure, Underripe Banana, or Festive Jell-O Green?"

        Being in love with Jeff was the best thing that had ever happened to him.

        Being in love with Drew was deep and twisted and fulfilling and scary.

        Being in love with Nick gave him a headache.

        And oh...being in love with Brian...that was something else altogether.  He'd never really explored that one.  He'd kissed Brian once.  It wasn't a kiss to be forgotten.

        He took a deep breath and walked over to Nick's table.  "Hey.  Mind if I sit?"

        "Go ahead," Nick said, barely giving him a glance.

        "What are you drawing?"

        Nick tossed the sketchpad on the table and twirled his pencil.  "You want something?"

        It looked like...a swimming pool.  At night.  A moonlit swimming pool.  "This is really good."

        "If you're here for a blowjob, I don't do married men anymore."

        "No," he said quickly.  "No, I'm..."  Be a man.  Be a man.  "Nick, I'm...I'm sorry.  I didn't mean what I said and I shouldn't have said it in the first place."

        Something flickered in Nick Carter's eyes, but he couldn't quite catch it.  "Good," Nick said.

        "And I'm sorry for what happened.  In the hallway.  What we did."

        Nick almost nodded.

        "How's it going?"  Jeff stood between them.

        "You send him over here?" Nick Carter asked Jeff.

        "No," Jeff said.  "Nick's an adult.  He does what he wants."

        But Jeff had sent him over here.  Had told him to apologize.  Drew had, too.  If they hadn't, would he have?  Without their pressure and bidding, would he have apologized to Nick at all?  Was his apology any less sincere for their prodding?

        The pencil dropped from Nick Carter's hand to the floor.  As it rolled, Nick bent down to get it for him.  Straightening, Nick followed Nick Carter's riveted stare.  Brian had entered the room.

        Nick handed the pencil back to Nick.  He slid his fingers along Nick Carter's, a slow and sweet touch that made his nerve endings sing, made his heart pound, made his cock twitch.  This forbidden caress.  He was touching Nick Carter.  In front of Jeff, in front of Brian.  Not for sex, despite the pulse of energy.  Just because something was very wrong here, and he wanted to feel, for himself if not for Nick, that something right was still possible.

        Nick Carter's fingers closed on his.  And then they were holding hands.  Nick Carter's thumb rubbed over his knuckles and Nick Carter stopped staring at Brian, looked at him.

        Nick remembered what Jeff had said to him once.  That he was jealous of Nick Carter.  That he felt threatened.  Maybe that was true.  No, undoubtedly that was true.  Nick threatened him.  Professionally, personally, sexually.  With Drew, with Jeff.  Nick had things, did things, that he didn't.

        But he had things and did things that Nick didn't.  Drew was his brother and nothing could sever that connection.  Jeff was his husband, and their relationship was so solid and so real that its very simplicity was a marvel.  He'd been shot and could have died and almost lost everything - - friend, brother, husband, life, career, love, everything.  But Nick had never been shot, and was afraid of being the last one standing.

        Brian was coming to their table.

        Nick and Nick scooted their chairs closer together.

        "Hey," Jeff said.

        "Morning," Brian said.  Nick saw Brian's hand rise in Nick Carter's direction, then drift back again.

        Nick knew that he'd missed some steps.  But whatever had happened, it was clear that Brian and Nick were not doing any better.  And if Nick was going to accept his support, he'd give it.  He slid his thumb over Nick's knuckles now, reciprocating Nick's earlier caress.  Nick's grip tightened in response.

        Drew came into the room, saw their small cluster, and headed in their direction.

        "You busy?" Nick asked Nick Carter as quickly and casually as he could.

        "Not really," Nick said.  Drew was coming closer.

        "Come on," Nick said.  He lifted the room key from Jeff's pocket.  "See you later," he said, and kissed Jeff's cheek, and walked off, leading Nick Carter by the hand.  He took the nearest exit so they wouldn't have to pass Drew.  In the hallway, he remembered.  "Your sketchbook."

        "It's okay," Nick said.

        "I can go back and get it."

        Nick shook his head.

        Nick realized that he was standing in the hallway holding Nick Carter's hand, alone.  What now?  "You want to come up to my room?"

        "For what?"  Nick's eyes had gone flat.

        He shrugged.  "We could talk.  Watch TV.  There isn't much to do around here."

        Very slowly, Nick Carter's hand shifted, lacing their fingers.  It was very intimate.  Nick felt his breath catch.  "Sure," Nick said.

        He breathed again.  "Okay."

        "Show us the goods," Joey said, coming into the room.

        "Hope we're not interrupting anything," Lance said.

        "He's dressed," Joey said, "and I don't smell sexual by-product."

        "You're so classy," Justin told Joey.  "Show you what goods?  Are you propositioning me?"

        "He's propositioning JC," Lance said.

        "We want to see the tattoo," Joey said.  "I've got money riding on this."

        "Do you guys bet on everything we do?" Justin asked.

        "Pretty much, yeah," Lance said.

        "JC," Joey said.  "Pay attention, man.  We're here to see your skinny butt."

        "It's not skinny," Justin said.

        "What?" JC asked.  He was lying on the bed, head at the feet and feet at the head, writing.  As far as Justin could figure out, JC had grand ideas for songs but couldn't get any of them out quite right.  Which made for a full trash can and a distracted JC.

        "We're here to see your tattoo," Lance explained.

        "I say it's about Justin, Lance says it's a picture, and we've decided on Chris's behalf that he's betting on it being vulgar," Joey said.

        "What if it's a vulgar word about me?" Justin asked.

        "Don't be difficult," Joey said.  "Come on, C."

        "We've all seen you naked," Justin said.  "They know you have it."

        "If I show it to you will you leave me alone?" JC asked.

        "Maybe," Joey said.

        "You don't have to show us," Lance said.

        "Don't be a gentleman," Joey said.

        "He's embarrassed," Lance said.  "He doesn't have to show us."

        "It was probably traumatizing," Joey said.  "Imagine someone coming after you with a big scary needle-"

        "Okay!" JC said, and got off of the bed.  "Here."  He turned around, unbuttoning, and lowered his pants, exposing skin.

        Lance's jaw dropped.

        "Holy," Joey said.  "You didn't."

        Lance's fingers reached out before he realized what he was doing.  He quickly dropped his hand, blushing.  Justin smiled at him.

        JC pulled up his pants again, facing them.  "Peep show's over."

        "That's..."  Joey tried to find words.

        "Change the subject," JC said.

        "Tell me you've heard from Chris," Justin said.

        "Nothing," Joey said.

        "I'm getting really worried," Lance said.  "We have to do something."

        "He'll be back," JC said.

        "You could sound like you care," Justin said.

        JC shrugged and settled on the bed again.

        Justin shook his head and turned to the others.  "What are we going to do?  We've gotta call the police or something."

        "We've searched the hotel, we've discreetly questioned wherever we could, we've checked around all over," Lance said.

        "We might have to accept it," Joey said.  "He's gone."

        "Not for good," Lance said.  "Just for the week.  He can't have freaked that badly."

        "Howie cheated on him and then screwed him and then proposed to him," Joey said.  "I'd freak.  Well, for other reasons.  Namely, that I'd just done Howie.  That's gross."

        "Now is not the time," Lance said.

        Justin took a deep breath.  "JC said he'll be back."

        "So?" Joey asked.

        "So he'll be back."

        "JC doesn't have magical ESP powers," Joey said.

        "Unless he knows where Chris is," Lance said.

        "Nobody knows where Chris is," Joey said.

        "Chris wouldn't take off without telling anybody where he's going."

        "He did."

        "Did he?" Lance asked.

        "Wait," Justin said.  "JC knows where Chris is?"

        Three pairs of eyes turned to the bed.

        JC frowned and scratched out another stanza.

        Nick Timmons-Lachey chewed on his thumbnail and changed the channel.

        Nick said, "You're bi, right?"

        Nick glanced over at him.  "Yeah.  Why?"

        Nick shrugged.

        Nick changed the channel.

        "How do you normally watch TV?"

        "What do you mean?"

        "You know.  How do you normally watch TV.  Like if you were at home."

        "Depends."

        "On?"

        "On what I'm watching."

        "And?"

        "Whether Jeff's watching it with me."  He was blushing.

        Nick waited.  That blush looked good.  He should make Nick blush more often.  "Go ahead."

        "If it's a good game, we just sit and watch.  If it's boring, or it's the news or cartoons, we..."

        Nick waited.

        "Whoever's sitting where you are..."

        He got it.  "Whoever's closer to the TV sits in the lap of the other one."

        "Right."

        That sounded nice.  Familiar, comfortable.

        "How do you...?"

        He shrugged.  He didn't want to think about that.  Sitting in a cold hotel room one afternoon, rain and thunder outside, Brian braiding his hair while they watched old American cartoons dubbed in Spanish.  Lying on the sofa, holding Drew back against his chest, automatically trading insults over the game while trying to memorize the curve where Drew's neck blended into shoulder.  Coming into the den to find Brian and Drew sprawled over the couch, deciding to stretch out on the floor; minutes later having them settle beside him and on top of him as though he were their personal throw rug.  The three of them on the sofa together, Drew reaching over Brian for his soda, Brian tickling Nick and grabbing for the remote control, Drew's fingers wandering idly during commercials, Brian's kiss so soft and sweet Nick could still feel it.

        "You can talk about it if you want."

        He shook his head.  "There's no point."  He cleared his throat and ran his hand over his hair.  Then he noticed something.  "You look different."

        "Different from what?"

        "You put your earring back in."

        "Yeah."

        "Why?  I thought you gave that up."

        "The hole was about to grow shut, so I..."

        "What?"

        "When I wear the hoop Jeff does this thing with his tongue.  I missed it."

        "I used to do that."

        "You did that?"

        "When...when they wore earrings."

        "I forgot Brian had pierced ears."

        "Yeah."  He decided to say it.  "I'm sorry."

        "For what?"

        "Grabbing your dick and licking you and everything.  In the hall.  I'm sorry.  It was the wrong thing at the wrong time for the wrong reason.  I won't do it again."

        "Can you tell me what's going on?"

        "I'm single."

        "What?"

        "I'm single.  I broke up with them.  Both of them.  For good."

        "Nick.  You can't do that.  Why?"

        "I did.  It's over.  And I'm finished."

        "Finished?"

        "With men.  With sex and guys and everything.  It's over.  I don't need that."

        "You're going to be single and celibate for life."

        "Right."

        "Aren't you a little young to decide that?"

        "I've been through enough to know when it's time to stop."  That sounded way too profound.  Brian must have rubbed off on him.  Brian...rubbing off on him...Brian rubbing against him...Brian...Brian rubbing him off, hand on his cock, blue eyes taking him in like he was the last living sex act.  Brian...

        "It can't be over.  What the three of you have...that doesn't just end.  I'm not in your relationship, but I know I've been affected by it, and you...  You can't just walk away from that.  It's inside of you."

        "It's over."

        "Nick."  Nick Timmons-Lachey wasn't looking at him, was looking down at the sofa cushion between them.  Then Nick looked at him, met his eyes, and oh god damn it, no.  No, no, he didn't need this, he didn't want this, he couldn't have this.  He couldn't...couldn't want this...couldn't...please...no...  "Nick, I love you," Nick said.  Said it, said it to him, right to him.  Said that.  Those words.  To him.  Looking right at him with those eyes.  "I love you, and I'm in love with you.  I'm in love with you because Drew's in love with you.  As long as Drew's in love with you, it won't be over."

        He couldn't deny that, couldn't turn away from that.  Those eyes.  Looking at him.  That voice.  There was truth there, and love.  Nick loved him.  For the very first time, he saw that.  Felt that.  Nick's love.  For him, and for him alone.  There was a special place in Nick's heart where he lived and breathed.  And if there was a place in Nick's heart, there was a place in Drew's heart.  Because that was how this worked.

        "You didn't kiss me," Nick said.

        "I couldn't."

        "I'd like to.  Someday.  When it's right."  And then Nick scooted over and turned and settled in, right back against his chest, between his thighs, just like that.

        He spent a moment to adjust, mentally.  Nick.  Nick Lachey.  Nick Timmons-Lachey.  Casually cozying up to him.  Nick was bigger than the cozy people he was used to; Nick was all broad shoulders and bulk.  He rested his hand on Nick's arm.  Soft cotton.  There was muscle in there.  Nick's head rested back on his shoulder.  He could see the very tips of soft eyelashes.  Brian was beautiful and Drew was so so cute and so pretty, but oh, "You're gorgeous."

        "Thanks."  Nick shifted a little.

        "Do you ever think about me?"

        "Sure.  Sometimes."  Nick seemed very relaxed suddenly.  Maybe it was their position.  Familiar, comfortable, but without eye contact.

        "Sex or not sex?"

        "Usually sex gets in there."

        "What about sex?"

        "I'm the one with perverted fantasies of you and Brian double-teaming me, remember?"

        "Not just me by myself?"

        "Sure.  You said you'd...you said you'd rim me and ever since I've...wanted you to do that."

        "Won't Jeff?"

        "He did.  What about you?  You think about me?"

        "I have very serious fantasies about you sucking my cock."

        "Really."

        "You have no idea."

        "Maybe someday we'll get a chance to try."

        "Drew never said what you two did together.  This last time.  Is that because it was private between the two of you, or because you did something he's too embarrassed to talk about?"

        "Probably it was too private.  I can tell you if you want."

        "You don't have to."

        "We had sex.  It was our first time in bed alone together, just the two of us, and we'd just spent a year repressing everything, so it got pretty...what's the word...intense.  Very intense.  Very serious, very hot, very...  I did him first, and then he did me.  We both came twice.  We fell asleep for a little bit.  Then I scared myself and took off."

        "Scared yourself?"

        "Nick, just kissing Drew...just touching him, it's...  I can't explain it.  Everything I feel for him is wrong.  There's this bond between us, and when I touch him, it vibrates.  Kissing him is like...like kissing my lover and betraying Jeff and going to Hell and killing my mother and, for one second, touching Heaven.  It hurts everyone, it hurts us most of all, but it feels so right, there's something divine about it, and something so dark and so twisted and so innately wrong it's almost evil, I can feel it, but I love him so much I can't stop it anymore."

        "It's not wrong to love him."

        "It's wrong for me to love him."

        "Do you ever talk about it?"

        "To Jeff.  When he makes me.  Not to Drew.  There's no point in talking to Drew; I know he feels it all.  And I love Justin, but there's no way I'm talking to him about wanting my little brother."

        "Can I ask you one question about Jeff?"

        "If I can ask you one question about Brian."

        He thought about it.  "Okay."

        "Ask."

        "Do you deep throat him?"

        Nick laughed, shaking a little in his arms.  "Yes."

        "God damn."

        "It's not for amateurs."

        "I would...you have to let me watch."

        "No way.  My question."

        "Okay.  What do you want to know?"

        "There are no words for what Jeff does to me, and Drew's devastating, and you should come with a dozen warning labels.  Is Brian as good as I think he is?"

        "Better.  He's better.  Brian looks harmless, but the man is incredible.  He's all fun and games until he has you right where he wants you, and then he charms you right into his bed and you are lost.  You are gone.  There is no turning back."

        "He's really that good?"

        "He's...I've seen you, I've seen Jeff, I've had Drew.  Brian...I know sex with Brian better than I know the back of my hand.  And it never gets old.  Every single time is new and perfect and incredible.  Every time he kisses me, I fall in love all over again.  Oh, fuck that.  Every time he looks at me, I fall in love again.  He's snared me.  And boy did I go willingly."

        "How can you want to leave that?"

        "I have to.  For my own safety.  That's not my place anymore."

        "Then whose place is it?  If anyone belongs with Brian, it's you.  And Drew.  But we're talking about you.  And he has two sides.  If you go, there's a whole vacant empty spot there."

        "That's not my problem."

        "What about you?  You'll have two empty spots, one on either side of you."

        "I can stand on my own two feet.  I don't have Timberlake Chasez codependency issues."

        "I don't, either.  But if Jeff left me...I can't even imagine it."

        "It looks good."

        "My hair is red."

        "Reddish."

        "AJ!  My hair is red!"

        "Auburn.  Highlighted."

        "Red!  My hair is red!  What did you do to me, you freak?"

        "Come on, D.  It looks great."

        "Great?  This looks great?  Did you get Sunset Destiny in your eyes?  My hair is red!"

        "Howie...calm...down.  Your hair looks great.  You look great.  It's highlighted, that's all."

        "I do not have red highlights."

        "You do now."

        "Why do you look better than ever and I look like a clown?"

        "You do not look like a clown.  Don't give me attitude.  And you should get some of that in your goatee, or - - Howie, Howie, put down the razor.  Howie-"

        "Fix my hair or I'll shave your head."

        "Hmm?"

        "Where's Chris?"

        "I don't know."

        "You talk to him."

        Justin dropped his bandanna and opened the top button on his fly.  "JC," he said, and knelt on the bed, and reached down and tipped up JC's face.

        Lance politely looked away from their kiss.  Joey stared.

        "JC," Justin murmured.

        Joey would kill for a girl who kissed like that.

        Justin took JC's chin in his hand and looked directly into JC's eyes.  "You never, ever lie to me and you never, ever keep things from me.  Tell me where Chris is."

        "He's safe and he'll be fine," JC said.

        "You know where he is?" Lance asked.

        "He's okay?" Joey asked.

        "We really need to talk to him," Lance said.  "Howie cheated on him and then proposed to him, I know he never expected either of those things, he can't be alone right now."

        "He's okay?" Joey asked again.

        "JC, where is he?" Justin asked, concerned, fingers running over JC's cheekbones.

        "He's fine.  He'll resurface in time to get back on the road," JC said.  "Don't worry about it."

        "Don't worry about it," Joey repeated.

        "I knew he wouldn't take off without telling anyone," Lance said.

        "You should have said something," Justin said to JC.

        "He told me not to," JC said.

        "Why did he go to you?  And when?  We've been together this whole time," Justin said.

        "He told me because he knew I wouldn't try to stop him.  It was right before we really settled in, when you were downstairs."

        "You're sure he's okay?" Joey asked.

        JC nodded.

        "You have to tell us where he is," Lance said.

        "No," JC said.

        Nick ran his hand over Nick's chest.  "Wake up, honey.  Guess who's home?"

        Nick gave the room a bleary, confused look, then sat up straight, wide-eyed.  "Jeff!"

        Jeff kissed his Nick's cheek and sat on the edge of the coffee table, turning off the TV.  To the other Nick, he said, "Drew says you've declared your independence."

        "That's right."

        "You don't want to be with Brian or Drew anymore?"

        "No."

        Jeff nodded.  "All right.  It's your decision.  How does it feel to be single again?"

        "It feels good."

        "He says he's swearing off all men," Nick added.

        "You won't miss it?" Jeff asked.  "I know if I swore off men, there are definitely some things I'd miss."

        "I think I'll be a virgin."

        "What?" Nick asked.

        "A virgin," Nick repeated.

        "I heard you the first time.  You can't declare yourself a virgin."

        "I just did."

        "You're a virgin."

        "Yes."

        "Okay," Nick said.  "You're a virgin."

        "My ass feels tighter already," Nick said.  "You two have a nice time.  Do the tongue thing with his earring.  And can you make your dimples for me?"

        Nick smiled.

        "I don't know how you two stand each other."

        "You want to have lunch with us?" Jeff invited.

        "I was just about to make my exit."

        "I know.  You can stay and eat with us."

        "I don't want to be third wheel person."

        "You're not."

        "Are we eating here or in the dining room?"

        "Doesn't matter."

        "Let's eat here."

        Nick got up to find the room service menu.

        Nick sighed.  "I don't think I'm cut out for the single life."

        "Already?" Jeff asked.

        "I missed holding someone.  He's nice to hold.  He fell asleep and I thought, I could stay here forever.  He's a good one.  You're very lucky."

        "I know."

        Joey said something very rude about AJ's parentage.

        Howie looked up; AJ turned.  Guilt flared briefly in Howie's eyes, as though he'd been caught doing something.  AJ didn't have the grace to look guilty.

        Lance wanted to walk away and pretend that none of this had ever happened.  Forget AJ, forget Howie, forget these past few years.  Start over from that innocent place.

        That lonely place.

        It would mean forgetting AJ.  Denying and losing that closeness and that heat and that thrill.  That love and that fear and that sex.

        He was at a place in his life where he'd rather live with the pain than lose the memories.  He'd heard of that, that idea that there could be something so good that it was better to remember the good and the bad than lose the whole experience.  It was worth the pain.

        He didn't walk away.  He stepped closer.

        He looked at Howie first.  He'd never quite captured the essence of Chris's fascination with this man.  Sure, Howie had a pretty voice and a good body, but so did a bunch of other people Lance knew.  What was so great about Howie that Chris...that AJ...

        There was a very faint but oddly rich red shimmer through Howie's hair.  It should have looked ridiculous, since Howie obviously did not have naturally red highlights, but Lance had to clench his hand into a fist to keep from reaching up to touch.

        It hit Lance all over again, that dreadful realization that Howie had slept with AJ.  Slept with AJ and cheated on Chris and then had the balls to propose, like - - Lance felt sick.  He couldn't stand to look at Howie for another second.  He took a step away, turning, and almost ran into AJ.

        AJ, who had disturbingly red hair and concerned eyes and parted lips, who was ready to speak, who looked ready to be kissed, who might kiss him but also kissed Howie and Lance didn't want to think about that, didn't want to think about AJ kissing Howie, didn't want to think about the fact that AJ had kissed Howie and might want to do it again, maybe wanted to right now, maybe had already today.  AJ and Howie had had sex in the past and maybe still wanted to and maybe would again, maybe had just done it, maybe were thinking about doing it tonight, maybe wouldn't do it but wanted to do it so what was the point, really, what was the difference?

        Lance went to his room and ignored AJ saying his name and avoided the clutch of AJ's fingers and closed the door in Joey's face.

        "Hi," Justin said, puzzled.

        JC closed his eyes and ran his thumb over the sensitive skin inside the crook of Justin's elbow.  He seemed to be concentrating.

        "Can I help you?"

        JC leaned in close and, um, "JC?  Are you smelling my hair?"  It sure seemed like it.  Justin really wasn't sure of the point of this exercise.  Experiencing him through all five senses?  He didn't mind if JC wanted to touch him or smell him or, hey, one of the senses was taste.  Maybe JC would start licking him.

        JC was in nice and close, pressed cheek to cheek, like they were whispering secrets.  Only JC was being quiet and breathing deeply.  "JC, have you gone off the deep end again?"

        "Sshhh," JC said softly, and then kissed him very gently, almost chastely.

        He got it.  While JC was running a thumb over his lips and staring into his eyes, he got it.  He was the muse, the inspiration, and JC was getting inspired.  JC had lyrics inside but couldn't get them out, couldn't find the words.  So JC was turning to him for help.  Okay.  Sort of weird, but cool.  He let JC touch him and smell him and look at him, and then JC went back to writing and he went back to watching TV.

        "What?"

        "He pretends he's suave and tough, but he's a fuzzy kitten."

        "He is not a fuzzy kitten."

        "He has you fooled, too?  You're his husband, you should know these things."

        "I know he's not a - - a fuzzy kitten?  Carter, where do you get these things?"

        "Carter Littrell Lachey.  Hey, you're Nick Lachey, and I'm Nick Lachey."

        "There's only room for one Nick Lachey."

        "I'll be the real Nick Lachey, and you can be my body double."

        "If you're single, what happens to your extra last names?"

        "It's a legal thing."

        "You could get it changed back to just Carter."

        "Yeah."

        "It'll make signing checks easier."

        "I guess I should.  Change it.  Nick Carter.  Since that's...  I don't know why we did it in the first place.  It's stupid."

        "It's not stupid."

        "It's stupid."

        "Can you explain this fuzzy kitten theory?"

        "Jeff's a fuzzy kitten."

        "Why?"

        "He's cute and sweet and I want to pet him.  He pretends he's the man, but really he's harmless and cuddly.  I'm not explaining it right."

        "I think I know what you mean.  You're right.  Oh my god.  I'm married to a fuzzy kitten."

        "He doesn't do it for everybody."

        "Kittens are cute, but they think they're tough.  And they try to bite you but they're harmless and you want to pet them and...why didn't you tell me this before?"

        "He's also a portable sex machine.  Which is a perk you don't get with most fuzzy kittens."

        "That's true."

        "Does he sit in your lap and let you pet him?"

        "Sometimes."

        "That must be nice.  I'd like to do that."

        "Pet Jeff?"

        "Sit in your lap and let you pet me."

        "Oh."

        "But I'm a virgin.  And you're married.  So I won't try it.  Do you like being married?"

        "Yeah."

        "Was Jeff scared the first time he screwed you?"

        "From what I know now, I'd say yes.  But at the time, I would have said no."

        "He hid it?"

        "Yeah.  For my sake, probably."

        "Were you scared?"

        "I don't know what I was.  I kept saying very dumb romantic things and I didn't have the sense to be scared that...that we were doing that."

        "Did it hurt?"

        "Yes."

        "I cried."

        "What?"

        "When Brian did me.  I scared the shit out of him."

        "It hurt?"

        "No.  Yes.  Not that way."

        "I know what you mean."

        "I'm a virgin and you're married but I swear I'm going to keep wanting you to suck my cock.  Sorry."

        "That's okay."

        "I think it's your mouth.  Definitely your mouth.  Plus I know you do Jeff, and you must have picked up some great technique from that."

        "I've gotten good practice."

        "I'd like to kiss you.  I'd really like to kiss you."

        "I like kissing."

        "People get all wrapped up in sex and they forget about kissing.  But a slow make-out session, there's nothing like it."

        "I know."

        "We kissed once."

        "You were very good."

        "I want to do it again."

        "Maybe someday."

        "I think we're bonding."

        "Pretty scary."

        "Yeah.  We'd better stop or people might start thinking we like each other."

        "Can't let that happen."

        Hair.  Howie had nice hair.

        The silky thick hair that spilled over Howie's shoulders.

        The coarse dark hair that curled between Howie's thighs.

        Howie would nuzzle up under his chin and kiss his neck, kiss behind his ear, and he'd duck down and press his face to Howie's neck, feel the soft curtain of hair against his cheek, kiss the smooth skin of Howie's throat.  Then he'd slide down, down Howie's perfect body, lick up the sweet curve of Howie's cock, put his hand-

        Put his hand where Howie let AJ put a hand, where Howie let other people touch.  In a place that wasn't his alone anymore.  Maybe never had been his at all.

        He couldn't trust Howie.  He didn't want to trust Howie, didn't like Howie, hated Howie, hated himself.

        If Howie were dead, he could grieve and regret and move on.  But Howie was alive and happy and untouched.

        That was it.  Howie was untouched.  Nothing got to him.  Nothing hurt him.  He moved smoothly through life and wasn't affected by any of it.  Chris fell in love with him, so he went with it.  AJ wanted him, so he had sex with AJ.  But having an affair with AJ wasn't a deterrent to proposing marriage to someone else.  And having a commitment to someone else wasn't a deterrent to having an affair with AJ.

        Howie didn't have to face consequences.  He didn't care about consequences.  He was a sociopath.

        Besides that, his hair sucked.

        "You can leave me alone.  It's safe."

        "I don't know.  Leaving a virgin alone in a hotel full of sex-crazed guys?"

        "I'll lock the door."

        "Okay.  Good night."

        "Night."

        Nick stepped into the hallway and watched Nick close the door.  So.  Nick had serious fantasies about his mouth.  That was something to remember.

        He did have vague, fleeting fantasies of being double-teamed.  They were vague and fleeting because he kept trying to deny them.  He had enough going on without sitting around thinking about having sex with his brother's lovers.

        He wasn't sure what three people did in bed together, anyway.  It either had to be amazing and intense and extremely hot, or confusing and messy and awkward.  Brian and Nick had threesome experience, though, so they must have their technique down.

        Nick Carter knew sex with Brian better than the back of his hand?

        He spent a lot of time thinking about sex with Jeff.  That was a given.  Who wouldn't?  And he did think about sex with Drew.  Sometimes more than other times, depending on how guilt-ridden he felt like being.  He tried not to think about sex with Nick, because it was disturbing to want someone he was trying to dislike.  And he didn't think about sex with Brian.  He had this weird mental block about it.

        Maybe it was just that his brain and his sex life were already full, and they weren't admitting any more visitors.

        Maybe it was that Brian was Drew's husband.

        Maybe it was that Brian seemed too nice and too funny and too clean for nasty sex thoughts.

        But Brian was with Nick and Drew.  So, really, if he was in a threesome with Nick Carter - - who was not a slut, but happened to be a very sexual person - - and Drew - - who Nick knew from personal experience was capable of setting a bed on fire - - then he had to be capable of, well...  He was in a threesome with Nick and Drew.  That was it.  That was undeniable, very clear evidence that Brian knew something about life between the sheets.

        Nick turned the corner and saw Brian and felt his cheeks turning red.  "Hi."

        "Hi.  Have you seen Nick?"

        "He's in his room."

        "How is he?"

        "He's a virgin and he's going to be celibate for life."  Brian was about Jeff and Drew's size.  Obviously not as ripped, but short and probably hiding a nice body under those clothes.  He'd seen pictures from when Brian was young and skinny.  Brian had grown up and filled out some since then.

        He'd seen Brian suck Drew's cock.  Brian had eased right in between Drew's thighs, taken Drew in like it was the most natural thing in the world, made Drew make those sexy noises, made Drew come.  Right in front of them.  Brian knew what Drew needed and wasn't ashamed to give it.  Wasn't ashamed to love.  And seeing that, watching Brian with Drew, watching Brian suck Drew...

        "Is he pretending everything's okay?" Brian asked.

        Nick jerked his mind back to the present with a guilty start.  "Yeah."

        "I'm so used to having Nick that I keep wanting to turn to him," Brian said.  "It's almost funny.  Nick and I always go to each other for support, and now we're having problems, and I can't go to him anymore, but I keep thinking I can."

        "You've always been together."

        "Not always," Brian said.  "That's the problem.  I made the biggest mistake of my life.  And I'm still paying for it.  He's still paying for it, that's what kills me.  That I messed up and he's still hurting from it.  If I could go back and do it again, I'd..."

        "What?"  Brian was staring at him.

        "Go back and do it again.  Start over.  Second chance.  That's it!  Nick, you're a genius!"  Brian squeezed him and ran down the hall, calling Drew's name.

        What?

        "What?" JC asked.

        "Pay attention to me."

        "You're four years old."

        "No, I'm three.  Pay attention to me."

        "I'm busy."

        "You're too busy for me?"

        "What do you want, baby?"

        "Where's Chris?"

        "Justin, I'm not going to tell you."

        "He's gone, JC.  He disappeared.  We're worried about him.  This is not Chris behavior.  JC, I know you're worried about him.  His flawless fantasy is seriously flawed, he's gone with no forwarding address, he's our best friend-"

        "After what he did to you, I don't give a fuck what happens to him."

        "JC, don't say that.  Don't - - this is not about me, this is about you.  And I know you care and don't swear like that.  Especially in the venom voice."

        "The venom voice?"

        "That poison tone.  There's something sick in there and I don't like it.  You're hurt, JC.  But it's not about-"

        "We're talking about Chris and I'm the one who's hurt?"

        "Listen to me.  I'm a sage over here.  You're upset and holding this grudge against Chris because he showed you right out in front how totally screwed I am.  That happens to be entirely your fault, and you're feeling guilty.  But you're taking it out on him.  Shooting the messenger.  Which isn't fair and isn't healthy and isn't helping *NSYNC."

        "I know it's my fault and I have to live with that every day, Justin.  But he hurt you and I can't forgive that."

        "He was upset and stupid.  I'm over it.  But, I know, you have trouble getting over things where I'm involved.  Okay.  We'll drop it for now.  Where's my kiss?"

        "Kiss?"

        "I want you to kiss me."

        "Can I roll over?"

        "If you must."  Justin let JC push aside the notebooks and face him.  "JC, Chris is my best friend and I want to make sure he's okay.  I know you'll do anything to make me happy.  Let me see him."

        "Justin-"

        "Please."

        He watched JC's eyes soften slowly, let JC touch his face.  "Tomorrow," JC promised.

        "Thank you."

        "I don't want you worrying.  Not about him, not about anything.  If it'll make you feel better to talk to him, then go and see him."

        "What are you writing about?"

        "You."

        "JC, doesn't it...  You always write about me, and you're putting your personal private feelings out for everybody to see.  How much you love me and how much you want me.  What we have is just for us.  How can you share it with everybody like that?"

        "It's music.  That's what we do.  I'm not ashamed of loving you, Justin."

        "You'd do anything for me and you don't care who knows it."

        "I'm proud to love you.  It's a miracle to have you here with me."

        Justin could feel it in the room, pulsing, rising.  "Show me you love me, JC."

        JC rolled them over, on top of Justin now, looking down at him.  "Let me make you feel it, baby."

        He sat on the foot of his bed and started flipping through pages.  He had three drawings of Brian.  Naked.  He'd tried to draw Drew naked from memory, but with Brian he had his subject live and in person.  For two of them, Brian was asleep.  For the last, Brian was awake.  Awake and happy and talking, laughing, resting there in bed and letting him pose and draw and touch.  It had been a special treat, a gift, a too-quick afternoon that he'd never have again.

        Drawings of Kevin, Howie, AJ.  Brian sleeping on the bus.  Three portraits of Brian.  He could never get the cheekbones just right, and he struggled like crazy to get Brian's eyes on paper to expose that inner light, but god damn that jawbone flowed perfectly.

        Drew sleeping.  The perspective was wrong and Brian said that he'd been too kind to Drew's nose.  But the important thing was that he'd missed Drew and he'd sketched Drew and he'd been able to sit down and remember the way Drew looked asleep, warm and cosy and pretty, not at all like someone who would give a blow job on a kitchen table.

        He missed Drew in the hat, so he'd tried to draw that, too.  It changed the whole shape of Drew's face, somehow.  It was the weirdest thing.  Drew with hair was older and sexier.  Drew with the hat was young and cute and innocent.  He wanted both of them.  He loved both of them.

        He remembered Drew putting on the hat again that one night.  That had been a very good night.  Drew had been very hot.  That was the same night Drew had worn the thong.  And he'd discovered the glitter that night, too.  Wow.  A night to remember.

        Drew had ripped the first thong.  Brian had ripped the second.  Those underwear makers needed better stitching or something.

        Jeff had a thong.  Nick hadn't seen it, of course.  He could only imagine.

        He turned another page.  He'd tried to draw their bedroom from memory, but he'd done it all wrong.  He was better at people.

        The next page had Brian.  He looked diseased.  Nick had drawn him, then tried to draw glitter, but Brian wouldn't let Nick use their glitter without Drew, so Nick had to try to remember the glitter effect from that one night.  That night that Drew had gotten out the glitter and then Nick's glitter had come off on Brian and Drew's fantasies had come true and Nick's whole sense of reality had shifted.

        Drew had put glitter on him.  Not just tossed it on for some perverted effect.  It had been intimate and loving and an expression of Drew's love, an expression of Drew's sexuality, an exploration.  Nick had been an art form, a fantasy.  He hadn't even felt real.

        And then Brian had made love to him.

        That had been one of the best nights of his life.  He couldn't even explain it.  He'd felt more loved and more special than he wanted to admit.

        There had been a time or two like that in the past.  When Brian had looked at him and touched him and told him how loved he was, really made him feel it.  When Drew had given him a glance from shy hazel eyes and trusted him enough to kiss his mouth, and he'd known that Drew's love was a precious thing that he had to guard carefully.  Because he'd been Drew's first love and he didn't want to do anything to damage that treasure.

        He'd taken good care of Drew.  And now Drew was safe and could move on to other people.  Drew could have Brian and Nick and Jeff and anyone else and leave him behind.  He'd done his job.

        And now he was alone.  The last one out.  Cleaning up the trash, turning out the lights, while everyone else hurried out the door already distracted with the thoughts of new and better things.

        "Call room service and order me a drink," AJ said, pushing past Kevin.  "Something alcoholic."

        "Your hair is red.  And your hair...looks good," he said, surprised.  He let his fingers trail through the ends of Howie's hair.

        "Beer would be good," AJ decided.

        "I was planning on having a quiet, relaxing week," Kevin said.  "That doesn't include dealing with everyone else's dramas."

        "Drama?" Howie asked.  "We're not having a drama, are we, AJ?"

        "Not us," AJ said.  "Not at all."

        Kevin gave in and closed the door, facing them.  "What's going on now?"

        "Nothing new," Howie said.  "Chris is gone, Lance hates us, same old, same old."

        "I fucked up my life," AJ said.  "Just like my mother always said I would."

        "Your mother never said that," Howie said.

        "Oh, right, that was your mother."

        "No, that was me," Kevin said.

        "Mom?" Howie asked, looking up at Kevin.

        "I wish I still smoked," AJ said.

        "One vice got you in so much trouble you're looking for more?" Kevin asked.

        "My vices are not what got me in trouble," AJ said.  "He is."

        "Me?" Howie asked.

        "You," AJ confirmed.  "You and your smiles and your sense of humor and your sexy Latin ass.  You fucked up my life."

        "AJ, you fucked up your own life all by yourself," Kevin said.

        "Kevin's swearing," AJ said, and sat on the bed.  "I did this to myself.  It's my fault.  I fell for him and I got whipped and now he's gone and I'm playing the heartbroken desolate fool.  I shouldn't have let him get to me, I should have stayed cool, but I gave in to it, I let him matter too much, and now I'm over, it's gone, AJ McLean is nothing more than Lance's bitch."

        "Very sad," Kevin agreed.

        "My beautiful porn baby," AJ said, and dropped to his back.  "Sexy as shit and doesn't even know it.  You gotta love that about a man."

        "Are you going to start mooning over him?" Kevin asked.

        "That lacks class," Howie said.  "It's not your style, AJ."

        "I have no style," AJ said dramatically.  "I'm nothing but Lance's bitch.  I live my life to mourn what I've lost."

        "Mourn in your own room," Kevin said.

        "I'm not feeling sympathy here," AJ said suspiciously, sitting up again.

        "You made your bed, you lie in it," Kevin said.

        "I can't lie in your bed?"

        "I'm the straight Backstreet Boy."

        "I'll do you anyway."

        "No thanks."

        "Order me a beer and listen to my woes."

        "Your woes are that you messed up your life without cause, and you've gotten what you deserved."

        "Without cause?  There's cause."

        "All right.  Tell me.  Why did you cheat on Lance?"

        "I'm stupid and I like Howie."

        "You can see why Lance isn't impressed," Howie said.

        "I said I had cause.  I didn't say there was a good cause," AJ said.

        He would devote himself to his art.  His craft.

        He'd change his name back to Nick Carter.  He'd spend more time with his family.  He'd have his own apartment and devote more energy to his causes and be a better person.  He'd read more and work out more and avoid short older men.

        He'd start a whole new phase of his life.  It would be great.

        Just as soon as he could get rid of this terror gnawing out his heart.