Copyright February 2-August 15, 2001 by Matthew Haldeman-Time

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and 98 Degrees are their own people.  The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life.  This writing is a work of fiction.  I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashers.

Notice: There are six stories that come before this one.  Read those first.  I'll wait.

Warning: "Together" includes depictions of, discussion of, and references to, consensual incest.

        Now, morning had broken.  Drew wiped his drool on Nick's T-shirt and looked around.  Jeff was with them in bed, too, now, spooned up behind Nick.  Brian was curled up behind Drew, breathing warm, fine air across Drew's nape.  The Nicks were still face-to-face, Nick Timmons-Lachey keeping a protective arm around Nick Carter Littrell Lachey.

        Drew, suspicious, peeked.  He was familiar with Nick's sleeping habits.

        Nick had a hand between Nick Timmons-Lachey's thighs, cupping the bulge behind Nick's fly.

        Drew smiled.  He got comfortable, resting against Brian, knee nudging Nick's thighs.  There.  He slipped his hand up under Nick's shirt to enjoy the feel of soft, warm skin.

        He wanted Kevin to go away.

        He wanted to revise the past year or so.

        Fuck.

        He felt Kevin's hand touch his shoulder.  He smacked it away without looking.

        Kevin kissed his back and left the bed.

        Bastard.

        AJ pushed himself up violently, turning, sitting up.  He hurled a pillow in Kevin's direction.  Too soft; unsatisfying.  He grabbed the phone from the nightstand and pitched it; it was connected to the cord and didn't go far enough.  God damn it!  He threw his sunglasses.  Shit!  This was Kevin's room; he should be throwing Kevin's stuff.

        Why were his sunglasses in Kevin's room?

        Oh.

        Right.

        Damn.

        AJ collapsed onto his back and rolled to his side, curling in the fetal position.

        Life sucked.

        Kevin sat behind him on the bed.

        AJ wanted to say, "I hate you."

        Another kiss, this time on his shoulder.  Kevin's hand came over his hip, intimate on his naked abdomen, and rolled him to his back.  He looked at the ceiling.  Kevin kissed his stomach.

        AJ didn't know what he wanted anymore.

        "You're still in love with him," Kevin said.  No recrimination, no accusation, no bitterness.  A statement.

        Yes.  He was still in love with Lance.

        "What comes first for you, AJ?"

        "I do."

        "What's your first priority?"

        "Lance."

        "What's more important than anything else?"

        "The Backstreet Boys."

        "AJ."

        "I don't know.  Go to hell."  Lance came first.  He knew that, he...  But...  God, he didn't know anymore.  He used to put himself first, ahead of everything and everyone.  Then Lance had come into his life, and had taken on importance in a way he'd never imagined.  He put Lance first.

        It should have been easy.  AJ, the Backstreet Boys, Lance and family and friends.  A natural hierarchy.  But it wasn't like that.

        Lance came first.

        If Lance came first, what was AJ doing in Kevin's bed?

        Kevin's fingertips traced the 69 tattooed around AJ's navel.  "I want you to be happy, AJ."  He looked to AJ's eyes.  His fingers stilled.  "I want you to be yourself."

        AJ looked away.

        JC perched on the bathroom sink, waiting.

        "Makin' makin' makin' love..."

        JC unfolded the towel, wondering whether Justin knew he was there.

        "Makin' makin' makin' makin' love, makin' love, love love, makin' makin'-"

        JC stifled a sigh, smiling.  Justin was cute.

        Justin turned off the water.  "Makin' makin' love," and he opened the shower door.

        "Timba Timba Timbalake," JC said, and imitated part of Justin's old routine.

        "Hey!  What're you doing here?" Justin asked, embarrassed.  He tried to hide behind the shower door, until JC gave him an amused, pointed stare.  Right.  Nothing JC hadn't seen before.  Justin coughed and stepped out of the shower; JC reached over and wrapped the towel around him.  "I can dry myself, JC."

        JC let go, allowing Justin to take care of it.  "Good morning."

        "Good morning," Justin said.  "You..."  He rubbed his hair with the towel, avoiding whatever he'd almost said.

        JC watched Justin's naked body.  Watched the progress from wet to dry.  Watched a bead of water trickle down Justin's neck from his damp curls.  He couldn't believe how Justin had filled out, growing from boy to man.

        Justin finished drying and shot a nervous look at JC.  He wrapped the towel around his waist, hesitated, and moved on to the bedroom.

        JC hopped down and brushed his teeth.

        His hips pushed back almost automatically, instinctively, ass rubbing against Jeff's cock.  They were still dressed.  Why were they wearing clothes?  Why was he horny?  Mmm, he wanted Jeff, wanted...

        Wait.

        He frowned.

        He remembered.  Fighting with Jeff and hating Jeff and...and he'd made Nick cry, and...

        Nick opened his eyes.  The first thing he saw was, right there in front of him, nice and close, Nick Carter Littrell Lachey.  Asleep.

        That was a lickable nose, he had to admit.

        He reached down and pried Nick's fingers from his groin.  Nick frowned, displeased, and came closer, settling one leg over his thigh and wrapping-

        Blue eyes opened.

        "Whoa!  Shit!"  Nick backed up, then scrambled away, right over Drew and Brian, hiding on the far side of the bed, almost falling on his ass.

        "Good morning," Nick said, sitting up.

        "Ouch," Drew said, rubbing his injured chest, sitting up as well.

        "What, what?" Brian asked, startled from sleep.  "Oh."  He scratched his chin and kissed Nick.  "You okay?"

        "What's going on?" Nick Carter Littrell Lachey asked.

        "That's what we're all wondering," Drew said.  "You were upset."

        "I'm not upset," Nick said.

        "Good," Drew said.  "You're okay?"

        "I'm fine."

        "Nick didn't...say anything?"

        "Nope.  We all slept in the same bed together, and we're dressed?  We're not naked and sticky?  I missed sex.  Damn."  Nick pulled Brian back against his chest and kissed Brian's ear.  "Want sex?"

        Brian smiled and twisted around for a kiss.  "Later."

        "You know I like Drew's big brother."

        "I know."

        "He's a good guy.  He's nice and he's friendly and he's...he's...  I'm glad he's Drew's brother and I'm glad he's Jeff's husband and I'm in love with him and I really like him a lot and...  He's talented and he's gorgeous and I like him."

        "I know," Brian said, and squeezed Nick's hand.  "I like him, too."

        "I'm glad he's...  We're friends."

        "You are friends," Brian agreed.

        "He made love to me.  I never had anybody fuck me before.  Except you and Drew.  He was...it felt..."

        Brian fixed Nick's hair, waiting, patient.

        "I wanted him to love me."

        "He does love you," Brian said.

        Nick crawled across the bed again, right over Drew, and hugged Nick, kissed his cheek, squeezed his biceps.  "We're related.  You're Drew's brother and Drew's married to Brian and that means we're in-laws."

        "Lucky me," Nick said, and smiled.

        "We're friends, too."

        "You make a good friend."

        "We were lovers, once."

        "It was a privilege."

        "We could do it again.  You were very good."

        "I don't think we should, but thank you."

        "That's how it is?  Lick, dick, thank you Nick?"

        Nick kissed his cheek.  "Thank you, Nick."

        "You can't melt me.  You're not Brian."

        He smiled.  "I can try."

        "One kiss?"

        Nick thought about it.

        Nick grinned.

        "One," Nick agreed.

        Nick chuckled.

        Drew watched.

        Nick Timmons-Lachey's lashes lowered.

        Nick Carter Littrell Lachey leaned in, just a little.

        Nick leaned closer, too.

        Nick's eyes closed.

        Their lips met.

        Their tongues touched in an erotic caress.

        Nick sat back.

        Nick opened his eyes.  He blushed.  Then he got embarrassed that he was blushing.  He looked around for a distraction.  Jeff!  "Jeff!  Oh, shit."

        Everyone looked at Jeff.

        Jeff looked back.  Drew still couldn't believe how good Jeff looked with disordered hair and stubble.  Something was wrong, though.  There was something closed-off in Jeff's eyes, something unwelcoming about his posture.  Also, the four of them were sitting together on the bed, on top of each other, and Jeff was apart.  Separate.

        "You're mad at me," Nick said.  "I kissed him, I kissed your Nick.  And yesterday, I yelled at him.  And now you're..."  His voice trailed off.  "You were fighting.  You were fighting with Nick, you..."  Nick looked to Nick.  "You're mad at him?  You're still angry?  You were mad at him yesterday.  You said...  You said that you hate him.  You said that you hate Jeff."

        Nick lowered his gaze.

        "Oh, no, no," Nick said.  "No, you love Jeff."

        "He knows that," Drew said.

        "They're fighting.  They're still fighting," Nick said.  "Brian, do something.  Or did we, did we do enough already?  Did we do this?  We-"

        "It's not your fault," Jeff said.

        "You sound tired," Nick said, his voice soft.  To Brian's practiced eye, he looked scared.

        "Come on," Drew said.  "Let's go change and get food."

        "Food sounds good," Brian said, and coaxed Nick from the bed.

        "Gotta get some maids in here," Nick said, untangling his foot from the bedclothes.  "Somebody made this bed all wrong."

        "Somebody," Drew agreed.  "See you guys later."  He kissed his brother's cheek and left with Brian and Nick.

        Jeff went to the bathroom and closed the door.

        In the hallway, Nick stopped short and reached for Brian's hand.  "They're fighting."

        "It's okay," Drew said.

        "Jeff looks like shit."

        "He knows that Nick's mad at him.  That hurts," Brian said.

        "But Jeff loves Nick.  Nick can't be mad at him.  Mad at him for what?  For playing with me?"

        "It's not about you," Brian said.

        "Do something."

        "Nick, all couples fight.  They have disagreements and misunderstandings," Drew said.

        "I don't care about all couples.  I care about Nick and Jeff."  Nick went back and knocked on their door.

        "Nick," Brian said.  "This is between Nick and Jeff.  They have to work it out themselves."

        Nick knocked again.  "Nicholas, open the door for me."

        Nick opened the door.  "You're back."

        "Miss us?"

        "We're just leaving," Drew said.

        "We are not," Nick said.  "Let us in."

        "One vote to stay, one vote to go," Nick said.  "Brian?"

        "Where's Jeff?" Brian asked.

        "Shower."

        "Naked!"  Nick pushed Nick out of his way and hurried towards the bathroom.

        "Nick!" Drew said.  He turned to Brian for help.

        "He's still upset," Brian said softly.  "He needs reassurance, and seeing Nick and Jeff having trouble scares him."

        "He's still shaky from yesterday?" Drew asked.  "What happened yesterday?"

        Nick knocked on the bathroom door.  "Jeff, are you naked?"

        "Nick?" Jeff called over the water.

        "Hi, can I come in?"

        "I thought you left."

        Nick Timmons-Lachey pulled Nick away from the bathroom door.  "You are not going in there."

        "He's still in the shower."

        "You are not going in there."

        "I've seen it before."

        "You are not going in there."

        "Can Brian go in?"

        "No," Nick said firmly.

        "Jeff, Nick's being a dom," Nick complained, raising his voice.

        The water stopped.

        "He's still naked!  Let me go so I can see," Nick said, trying to twist free.

        "You saw it before.  Nothing new."

        "He's all naked in there, and clean and...I bet his hair's damp and it's trickling little baby drops right behind his ear, and if you lick behind his earlobe..."  Nick sighed with pleasure.

        Brian hooked a finger in Drew's belt loop and waited, watching.

        "Drew's wearing my shirt," Nick said.

        "I saw that," Nick said.

        "Fucking sexy.  He's cute."

        "I saw that, too."

        "Jeff ever wear your clothes?"

        Nick shrugged.  "A couple times."

        "Did you like it?"

        "Did I like it?"

        "When he gave it back to you, it smelled like him, a little.  I made Brian wear my shirt one time.  Had to wrestle him into it.  That was fun."

        "I'll bet."

        "He gave it back to me, and I could smell him.  Just a little.  I can't wear his clothes, because he's just a little thing."

        "Hey," Brian said.

        The bathroom door opened and Jeff walked out, a towel around his waist.  Everyone watched.  Naked, powerful upper body.  Muscular calves.  Towel tight across his ass and thighs.

        "Treasure trail," Nick murmured.  "I know you lick that all of the time."

        Nick decided not to say anything.

        Jeff went to his suitcase.

        "Is he getting naked in front of us?" Nick asked.

        Jeff gathered his clothes and returned to the bathroom, closing the door.

        "Damn it," Nick said, disappointed.

        "Are you finished here?" Nick asked.

        "You're mad at Jeff and now he's hurt."

        "He started it."

        "He hurt you first?"

        "Yes," Nick said, trying not to sound stubborn but failing.

        "And now you're punishing him."

        "I'm not doing anything."

        "When's the last time you made love?"

        "That's none of your business."

        Nick repeated the question.

        "Not last night, but the one before that."

        "Horny?"

        "Nick, I can go for one night without sex."

        Nick repeated the question.

        "A little.  Maybe.  That's none of your business."

        "Wonder if Jeff's horny."

        "Probably not.  He has better...control over that than I do."

        "He's repressing his urges?" Nick asked.  "Suppressing his urges.  Oppressing his urges."

        "Jeff's urges are none of your business."

        "They're your business.  Go take care of them."

        Jeff came out of the bathroom again, barefoot but dressed.  "You guys still here?"

        "Nick doesn't want to have sex with you," Nick Carter Littrell Lachey said to Jeff.

        Jeff's gaze flickered over his husband.  He nodded, shrugged, and went to watch TV.

        "Ouch," Nick said.  "Ouch, that hurt.  How can he be like that?  He accepted it.  That hurts."

        "Get out," Nick said, pushing Nick towards the door.  "Go."

        "Why?"

        "I have to talk to Jeff."

        "Yes!"  Nick kissed Nick's cheek.  "Come on, let's go, Mommy and Daddy have to talk."  He herded Brian and Drew from the room and closed the door.  Then he kissed Drew, kissed Brian, and asked, "Can we have sex while you're still wearing my shirt?"

        JC was on the phone.

        He tied his bandanna over his hair.

        JC was still busy.

        He tucked away errant curls.

        Still busy.

        He picked over his earrings.

        Busy.

        He put in the diamonds.

        Busy.

        Restless, antsy, Justin moved around the suite.  The bed was made now; JC had called and asked for fresh bedding.  The bed was made.  They'd gotten up and come over here from Chris's room, and now they were up and starting their day, and the bed was made.  Tight and tucked and untouched.

        Justin was untouched, too.

        JC wasn't showing him love.

        JC was still attentive and everything, but...but...damn it, JC was supposed to flirt and grope and kiss and tease.  JC was supposed to love him, not only to love him emotionally but to express that love through touch, through action.  He was supposed to feel JC's love.  He was used to feeling JC's love.  He wanted to feel JC's love.  What was going on here?  Someone had instituted a hands-off policy without warning Justin.

        Justin didn't like it.  He missed JC.

        They hadn't made love since last night.

        JC had kissed his cheek this morning.  Kissed his cheek!

        Justin pulled off his bandanna and ruffled his curls.  This sucked.  He wanted JC.  He missed JC.

        Hey...

        Justin glanced at JC. Smiled.  He knew what to do.

        Jeff turned off the TV and waited.

        "Sometimes I get this weird thought that maybe I'm not enough for you.  In bed.  That I can't be enough.  Maybe that wouldn't be my fault, maybe it's natural for you to need more satisfaction than one person can provide.  Maybe that would be my fault, maybe I'm just not enough, maybe if I tried harder you wouldn't need anyone else."

        "I don't need anyone else," Jeff said.

        "Nick's very sexual and I know that he wants you and I know that you want him and yes, he threatens me, you've always said that but you never got why, Jeff.  He threatens me because he can give you something I can't.  If you were with both of us, that would be enough for you.  If you were with him, only him, just him, maybe that would be enough, too.  Maybe he's sexual enough - - I don't know, young enough, beautiful enough, good enough to satisfy you."

        "That is not true," Jeff said, staring at him.  "You know that is not true."

        "I know he's not a slut.  He never has been.  I just...if I believed that he was, maybe you'd believe that he was, and you wouldn't want him.  If I could see his sexual promise in a negative light..."

        Jeff put his elbows on his knees and rubbed the back of his neck.  "I can't believe this."

        "But it's not about him.  It's never been about him, it's about me."

        "It's about us," Jeff said.

        "Yeah."

        "I can't believe this," Jeff said again, closing his eyes.  He was still.  "Fuck."

        "Cornrows?"

        JC smiled and ran slender fingers through Justin's hair.  "No, baby, not today.  I like your curls.  Let's go get something to eat."

        But...

        JC found the room key and went to the door.

        But...

        His cock went down Kevin's throat.

        "I don't want anybody to see me like this," Howie said.

        "That's right.  I'm keeping my sexy, sultry, Latin lover all to myself."

        "I look like a clown.  I am not going anywhere with these...things in my hair."

        "They're called braids."

        "They're called ugly."

        "The trick is to make them the right size.  Small enough so that they fall naturally-"

        "If you're trying to humiliate me, I'm begging you-"

        "-but not too tiny.  I think I've got the hang of it."

        "How long is this going to take?"

        "Another half an hour, give or take."

        "Give or take?"

        "Maybe eight hours.  Don't rush me."

        Howie groaned.

        "When I'm finished, you're going to be sexier than ever.  Hold still."

        Nick tried not to flinch.

        "When have I ever said that you're not enough?  When have I ever not been more than satisfied?  I want you and you know that I want you!"

        Nick should say something.  He didn't know what.

        "This is not about me, this is not about anything I've ever implied.  I never asked for more, I never wanted more, I had you and that's all I wanted.  This is not about me!  This is about my dick!"

        "Jeff-"  He sounded weak, uncertain.

        "Isn't it?!" Jeff shouted.

        "It's not just-"

        "Oh, that's right, it's not just about that.  It's about my balls, too!  I can't fucking believe this!"

        He'd never meant...

        Jeff left the sofa with such force that Nick jumped, startled.  He strode around the suite, tense, keeping his fury in check.

        He'd hurt Jeff.  He hadn't...it...  He didn't know what he was supposed to say.

        "We've been making love for years," Jeff said, still pacing the room, filling it with his tension.

        "Three," Nick said.

        "Three years!" Jeff shouted.  Nick jumped again.  "You know me better than anyone.  I thought that you understood what I wanted, what I needed from you."

        He did understand, he-

        "I've been trusting you," Jeff said.  "I let myself trust you, I wanted..."

        Oh, god.

        Jeff turned away again, putting a hand over his eyes.

        No...  Nick should stand, should go to him, should try to explain.  Explain what?

        An almost imperceptible catch in Jeff's breathing.

        Nick hated himself.

        Jeff wasn't moving.

        Nick stood.  He should go over there, he should-

        "It's a piece of meat!" Jeff shouted, turning fast.  "It doesn't decide anything, it doesn't rule me!  It's a piece of meat, it knows nothing about my desires or my-"

        "Jeff-"

        "I hated it and I denied it and then you, you came and you...  I could accept it, I didn't have to hate it or be ashamed of it or...  And then I liked it, I thought, hey, Nick likes it, Nick gets off on it, maybe this is actually a good thing.  It could be an advantage.  And I thought that because of you, because I trusted you, because..."

        "It is a good thing."  Nick winced.  That sounded lame.  But he meant-

        "It's a freaking monster," Jeff shouted, "and it's - - I don't know, should I blame it or should I blame you?"

        "Jeff-"

        "Why don't you explain to me what you think, why you couldn't possibly be man enough to satisfy my terrible desires."

        He didn't want to try to explain anything to Jeff when Jeff was this upset.  Jeff was hurt and angry and not about to listen.

        "Do you think I've been unfaithful?  Do you think that I've wanted to be unfaithful?  Do you think that I got in bed with Drew not because of love and not because of you but because I'm so desperate to satisfy my carnal urges that-"

        "No!"

        "And Nick, I've been leading him on for years now, trying to get him in my bed.  He's young and he's eager and he wants me, and-"

        "Jeff-"

        "I trusted you!  You let me believe that..."  Jeff turned away sharply, pained and furious.  He hit the wall and pivoted to face Nick again.  "What have you been doing all of this time?  When I've been making love to you, what have you been doing?  Going through it for my sake?  Sacrificing your body to my lusts?  Putting up with it-"

        "No!"

        "How many times have I made love to you when you haven't wanted me to?  How many times has sucking the monster been a chore?"

        "Never.  Jeff, I-"

        "I know it hurts you.  I put it in and you're in pain and I don't want to hurt you, but I thought...  I thought that you wanted it, I thought...  I believed you wanted it, I was willing to hurt you if..."  Jeff sat on the side of the bed, his head in his hands.  "I can't...  All of this time, Nick, all of...  If you'd told me, if you'd said no..."

        "I never wanted to say no," Nick said, and his voice sounded thick, clogged with emotion.  He stepped closer, testing the waters.  "I wanted it, Jeff, I wanted you to make love to me, I wanted it in me."

        "It hurt you."

        "I love it.  It's worth it."  Closer.

        "I made you bleed."

        "That was a long time ago," Nick said gently, and crouched before Jeff.  It had happened more than once, but not recently, and it wasn't something he considered important.  Jeff, of course, felt otherwise.

        Jeff wouldn't look at him.

        "Jeff...  You know I love you.  You know I enjoy your body.  I'm proud of you, and that includes being proud of your body, and that includes being proud of," he licked his lips and tried to find a suitable word, "your penis."  He winced.  Penis, nobody said penis.  Idiot.

        "Nick-"

        "Listen to me."  He wanted to touch Jeff, but that might not be a good idea.  Jeff might pull away from him, probably would pull away from him, and he didn't want that experience.  "We don't talk about it, because you don't like to talk about it.  But it's not just that your cock is big, there's more to it than that.  You know that.  It stands to reason-" stands to reason?  Who did he think he was? "-that you...it's a medical condition."  He was making Jeff sound diseased.  This wasn't helping.  "You have extra testosterone."  Okay, so it hadn't deepened Jeff's voice, but still.  That body?  "You've denied your...potency.  You know how to control your...your..."

        "Cockzilla."

        "Don't call it that."

        "Why not?!" Jeff demanded, and met Nick's eyes.

        "It's not a monster."

        "It's huge and it's ugly and it's fucking up my marriage!" Jeff shouted.

        "It is not," Nick said.  He was taken aback by the strength in his voice, but he continued.  "It is not hurting us."

        "You've spent three years putting up with what I want just so I won't run off and screw somebody else, how is that not-"

        "That is not how it's - - listen to me!  You know how to control your cock and you know how to repress what you want.  I don't like that, I've never liked it.  Okay, I like the stamina thing," he admitted.  "But I want you to be able to let go, to get what you want and take what you want without holding back.  I don't know if you do it for my sake or for your sake or just because you're used to it, because that's what you've always done.  And I've wondered, I've...  You're holding back, you're suppressing your natural desires.  You take what I give you.  What do you want?  What do you need?  Am I enough?"

        Jeff had stopped looking at him.

        "When we make love it's powerful and it's physical.  But I know you, I can feel the control.  When I, when I...  I was with Nick and I sucked his cock and he snapped.  Drew does the same thing.  I do it, too.  I let myself go, I put myself in the moment.  I don't worry or plan or...  I trust you and I trust myself."

        "I don't," Jeff said.  "I don't trust myself, I don't trust Cockzilla.  When I'm careful and when I try to control it, even then, it hurts you.  If I...if I take it off the leash, I don't know what it'll do."

        "It could be incredible.  Jeff, we've been making love for years now."

        "Three."

        Nick smiled.  "Three.  I know what you're like, and I know what I can handle.  We trust each other.  We're good together."

        "You think I want other men."

        "But you've never been with other men."

        Jeff looked at him, irritated and confused.

        "You love me.  You trust me with what you want, and you take care of what I want.  All of my worries about you being unsatisfied, they've come from me.  You've never said, you've never hinted."

        "You said that you hate me."

        "Jeff-"

        "You did, didn't you?  Nick said that you said that you hate me.  You hate me for what?  It's not about Nick or Drew or Brian or anybody else.  You hate me for me.  You resent-"

        "No-"

        "You resent my dick and you hate my lust and-"

        "No!"

        "I won't bother you with it again," Jeff said, rising.

        Nick stood.  "That is not-"

        "You won't have to put up with my...with my animal needs.  I can keep my big dick and my excess of testosterone to myself."

        "Would you listen to me?!"

        "I never meant to hurt you," Jeff said, and his voice was soft.  "I never wanted to inflict..."

        "I love you," Nick said, "and I love your cock, and I love your balls, and I love your body.  You don't appreciate them, but I do.  Don't you dare keep them from me."

        Justin's fork drew circles in the syrup on his plate.  JC didn't want him anymore.  They were going to go back on tour and he was going to be unsexed.  No more watching JC get pumped onstage, having JC take it out on him afterward, hard and hot and...

        JC made a hungry sound, low in his chest.

        Justin looked up.  Oh, god.  Never mind.  No, JC, not here.  He didn't want to-

        JC's lips parted.

        Not in the dining room!  Not in the-

        JC's eyes were having sex with him.  JC's breathing indicated arousal.  Justin was familiar with the signs.  JC wanted him, and JC wanted him now.  JC leaned forward.

        They were in public!

        "I'll be back in a minute."  JC got up and left.

        Justin's jaw dropped.  JC was gone.  JC had, had...  But...  But...  And now he was horny, damn it!

        Nick, singing to himself, pulled down Brian's jeans, pulled down Brian's underwear, and kissed Brian's ass.  He tugged on Drew's fingers, guiding them to the cleft, to the pucker.

        Brian tugged at Drew's nipple, and Drew twisted beneath him, wanting more.

        Nick put Drew's finger inside Brian.  Hmm.  He stroked Drew's finger, thinking.  Brian wouldn't mind.  He slid his finger in there, working it past the ring of muscle, alongside Drew's.

        Drew's finger rotated.

        Nick found Brian's prostate.

        Drew fought him for it.

        Nick was there first!

        Brian broke off the kiss, spreading his thighs.  Drew angled deeper and he moaned, hooking his foot behind Nick's knee.

        "You should fuck Drew," Nick advised.  "Drew wants to suck your dick."

        Drew pulled out his forefinger and inserted his middle finger.  It was longer.

        "Drew wants to lick your balls," Nick said.  "You should fuck him.  He likes it."

        "I want to feel you both," Brian whispered, closing his eyes, lowering his head.

        "What do you think we're...oh, shit," Nick said.  "You don't mean that."

        "I want to feel you inside of me, at once," Brian said.

        "We can't," Nick said.

        "That would hurt," Drew said, easing his finger free.  Brian kissed him, gasping against the pressure and violation of Nick's touch.

        "You could do it to me," Nick said.

        "What?" Drew managed to ask between kisses.  Brian didn't seem to be paying attention to their conversation.

        "I bet I could handle that," Nick said.

        "No," Drew said.  He guided Brian's mouth to his neck so that he could talk.  Oh...ooohhh...  He forgot what he'd been saying.  Something about...  Oh, Brian...  Not the, ooohhh...  "Nick, we...oh...that's not physically possible."  His voice cracked on that last word.  Oh, god, teeth...

        "Sure it is," Nick said.  He rubbed Brian's prostate to make Brian suck Drew's skin harder.

        Drew moaned.  "Nick, it's..."  He gasped when Brian's finger popped inside his body.  "Even if we would, if we would fit, how would we..."

        Nick thought about it.

        Drew came.

        Brian lapped up Drew's jism.

        Mental note: muzzle Kevin.

        Maybe he'd take a stroll.  Get something to eat.

        Check in on the blond bombshell.

        His thigh hurt.  Might've pulled something.  Unnatural gymnastic sex acts were for Mr. and Mrs. JC Chasez.  Leave it to the pros.

        He gave the mirror attitude.

        Satisfied, AJ went to find Lance.

        He'd allowed himself to think that this curse might be a blessing.  That he could enjoy a healthy sex life, that he could please his lover.

        The name Cockzilla had even become a joke, instead of a bitter reminder of the truth.

        The truth.

        Size mattered.

        He'd never wanted to see fear in Nick's eyes.  He'd never wanted to see resignation there, either.  He'd wanted to see happiness and desire and pleasure.

        Nick had never seemed afraid of it, hadn't worried about it.  From the beginning, Nick had...wanted it.  Had liked it.  Had been in awe of it, had viewed it as a challenge.  But Nick had wanted it.

        He'd never planned to put it in Nick.  He'd be happy to get off against Nick's body, in Nick's hand.  In Nick's mouth...  But never in Nick's ass, never there.

        But Nick had wanted it.

        And he'd done it.

        Nick had been hot, and so tight it hurt, and he'd wanted to stay in there forever.  He knew that he had to go back.  He wanted that again, and again, and again...

        And Nick had wanted it again, too.

        It took time.  It took pushing and prodding from Nick.  It took Nick's eager hands, eager desire.  He didn't have to be ashamed.  He could be as confident about what packed his shorts as he was about the rest of his life.  As long as Nick wanted him, he had a good thing going.

        He had years of practice in exerting control over his desires.  He could stifle himself.  Even when he was with Nick, he could hold himself in check.  He'd seen Nick Carter Littrell Lachey fuck down Nick's throat, and he'd envied that abandon.  He used his cock, and he fucked Nick's mouth, but there were limits.  Self-imposed limits.  He couldn't rut away without care.

        He had to make it good for Nick.

        That was what it came down to, in the end.  It had to be good for Nick.

        Of course it was good for Jeff.  That wasn't in question.

        But it had to be good for Nick.  Nick had to like it, and Nick had to want more, and Nick had to be able to look forward to next time.

        Because Nick was all Jeff had.

        Nick was all Jeff wanted.

        If he had to rein himself in, it was a small price to pay.  He didn't consider it a sacrifice.  It was what he had to do, what he'd always done.

        It amazed him, how far he'd come.  Just the other night, when they'd all been together, and Nick had said to Nick Carter Littrell Lachey that he'd only wanted to feel Nick's mouth on it.  Years ago, that was all he'd wanted from Nick, too.  Once he'd dared to accept the idea that he could let Nick do that, he'd only wanted to feel Nick's mouth, only wanted the soft, loving, wet heat...

        And now?  Now he was used to much more.

        But why?  Because it was what Nick wanted?  Because it was what Nick did to keep him faithful?  Because Nick thought that he expected it?  Because he thought that Nick expected it?

        He didn't have an excess of testosterone.  He didn't have a raging libido.  He had a huge groin thing.  That was it.  End of story.

        He wasn't a closeted sex maniac who needed a string of lovers to stay satisfied.  He needed one lover.  One person.  One Nick.  His Nick.  His husband.

        They'd stopped making love for a while.  Before their engagement, before their wedding.  He'd wanted Nick, and Nick had wanted him, and it had been torture.  By that point, he'd known how to satisfy Nick, he had experience in satisfying Nick, and Nick had been hungry for him, and...  They'd made Justin nuts on the bus.  That had been interesting.

        But then they'd gotten married.  And they'd made love.  And it turned out that Nick had missed him.  Had missed his cock, had missed being made love to, had missed...  Had missed having him fucking into Nick's gorgeous body.

        It was the way Nick talked about it that stayed with Jeff.  Nick hadn't simply missed being penetrated, hadn't simply missed the stimulation.  Nick had missed the experience of being opened and entered, had missed Jeff's cock, had missed it being hard and huge and full, had missed it pressing heavily against his ass, forcing its way into his body, slamming strong and deep inside him.

        It was like being torn open, Nick had said once, in the dark quiet of night.

        Torn apart.

        By ecstasy.

        Nick nuzzled Drew's neck.

        Drew kissed Nick's naked shoulder.

        "It'd be fun," Nick said.  "It'd be hot.  You'd like it."

        "No," Drew said.

        "Brian wants to do it.  He wants to fuck me with you.  He wants to feel your cock thrusting beside his, right up my ass."

        "He does not."

        "Sure he does."

        Brian kissed Drew's ear.  "I don't," he whispered.

        "Stop trying to influence him," Nick told Brian.  "Let Drew make up his own mind."

        "Will you let me make love to you?" Drew asked.

        "I guess," Nick said.  "I could settle for that."

        "Nick."  Drew twisted Nick's hair around his finger.

        "What?" Nick asked, kissing his chin.

        Drew hesitated.

        Nick grinned.  "Say it."

        "Please?"

        "Not until you say it," Nick teased.

        "Nick," Brian whispered, prompting him.

        "Nick," Drew repeated.

        "Please," Brian whispered.

        "Please," Drew said.

        "Please what?" Nick asked.

        Brian whispered something against Drew's ear.

        Drew stopped breathing.  He turned his head and stared.  "Brian!"

        Brian smiled.

        "Wow, that made you hard," Nick said, stroking Drew's cock.  "What'd he say?"

        "That did not make me hard," Drew denied, pushing away Nick's hand.

        Brian kissed him.

        "Maybe it made me a little hard," Drew confessed.

        "Tell me," Nick said, palming Drew's balls.

        "I can't believe I'm married to you," Drew said.  "That's the filthiest thing I've ever heard."

        "Made you hard," Nick reminded him.

        "It was kind of sexy," Drew said.

        "Brian's a pervert and it turns you on," Nick said.  "Bet it sounded like poetry, too."

        "A little."

        "Only Brian can talk like that.  Say nasty, hot stuff and make it sound romantic until you pay attention to the words.  It always turns me on."

        Drew kissed Nick.

        "What'd he say?"

        "I'm not repeating it," Drew said.  "You'd never respect me again."

        Brian cupped Nick's chin in one hand and whispered in his ear.

        "Holy shit," Nick said.  "I think my balls exploded."

        Kevin weighed more than Lance.  At least it felt that way.

        "What do you want?" Kevin asked, amused.

        "What are you willing to give me?" AJ asked.

        "Anything you want," Kevin promised.  A smile.  "Within reason."

        "Within reason," AJ repeated.  Typical.

        Kevin's thumb caressed AJ's lower lip.  "You have a beautiful mouth."

        "I have a foul mouth."

        Another smile.

        "Are you going to kiss me, Kevin?"  AJ wound his arms around Kevin's shoulders.

        "I might," Kevin said.

        Howie, feeling dread, got up and went to the bathroom.  He looked in the mirror.

        "I should quit my day job and be a beautician," Chris decided from his place on the bed.

        "Chris," Howie said.

        "Howdy, pardner," Chris said.  "Que pasa, mon ami?"

        "Chris," Howie said.  "This looks good."

        "It what?"

        "It looks good."

        "You're kidding," Chris said.  "You're kidding."

        "Get in here."

        Chris went to the bathroom and looked.  Turned Howie in a circle.  Left and came back.  "Howie.  It looks good."

        They stared at each other.

        "I'm a genius!" Chris shouted, and leapt into the air.  "Ow, ow," he said, clutching his side.  "Call off the victory dance."

        Kevin liked his mouth.  He could live with that.

        "Help!  Police!  Fire!  Timber!"

        Pissed off at the intrusion, AJ broke the kiss and looked right.  "Holy shit," he said, pushing Kevin away, scrambling to his feet.  Joey, who'd been shocked into babbling, was in the lounge doorway.

        Lance was right behind Joey.

        Kevin stood with more grace than AJ had displayed.  More poise, maybe.

        Joey's poise was shot.

        Lance.  Lance.  Lance looked homicidal.  Which was a big thing for Lance, who didn't tend to look violent or murderous.

        Well, AJ had lost his hard-on, at least.

        Matters had clicked into place for Joey.  It all made sense now.  "You're Backstreet Boys.  They're Backstreet Boys," he told Lance.  "This is what Backstreet Boys do.  They're evil.  They're self-serving, spoiled, careless, thoughtless, oversexed, perverted-"

        "At least we can sing," AJ said.  "Fuck off, Fatone."

        "You have no morals," Joey said.

        "I leave the self-righteous crap to the Sink Boys."

        "How long has this been going on?" Lance asked.

        "How long has Kevin been doing me?" AJ asked.  He checked his watch.  "What, two days?  Three?"

        "After you broke up," Kevin said to Lance.  He wanted that, at least, to be clear.

        "Didn't take me long to find someone who loves me and wants me and likes me," AJ said.

        "Loves you and wants you," Kevin corrected.

        "Yeah.  Likes me, we're still working on it."

        Kevin smiled and scratched AJ's back.

        "I can't deal with this," Joey said.  "You're straight, and you're evil.  You just ended it with Lance, and seconds later, you're a happy couple."

        Lance walked away.

        "Can't you keep it in your pants for fifteen minutes?" Joey asked AJ.

        "We all need somebody to call home," AJ said.

        Justin went to play basketball.  Went to pump iron.  He knew that JC didn't like him wandering around the hotel, what with assassins around and everything, so he went back to the room.

        He kicked off his sneakers and peeled off his socks.  He dropped his sweaty gym clothes in a pile on the bathroom floor and almost screamed like a girl.  JC was standing right there, in his personal space.  In his breathing space.  In his sweating space.

        "Hi, JC."

        "You need a shower," JC said.

        "That's the plan."  JC was looking at him.  Looking at his body.  JC wanted him.  He could feel it.  JC wanted to take him.  Hard.  "JC?"

        "You look..."  JC was on.  JC was hot.  JC wanted him.

        Justin was ready for it.  It was going to be good.  JC hadn't had him all day.

        "Sweaty.  Get in the shower."  JC turned and walked out of the bathroom.

        Lance sat on the foot of his bed.

        Joey sat beside him.  "You okay?"

        "He's with someone else," Lance said.

        Yeah.

        "Again."

        Yeah.

        Was Lance going to cry?  Joey didn't want that to happen.

        "He can't replace you."  Joey didn't know what else to say.  He put his arm around Lance.

        Lance didn't say anything.

        Joey hoped that Lance wasn't going to cry.

        "Did you see him?" Lance asked.

        "Yeah."  Who?

        "Kevin," Lance said, in response to the question Joey hadn't asked.  Which was sort of weird.

        "I thought he was straight," Joey said.

        "Did you see it?  The way he looks at AJ, the way he touches...the way...the way he acts."

        "He's not straight?"

        "He's in love," Lance said.  "He's in love with AJ."

        "AJ doesn't love him," Joey said.

        Lance didn't say anything.

        Drew turned in his lap, pushing him onto his back.

        "Drew's being a dom," Nick told Brian.

        "If Brian calls you 'sweetheart,' do I get to, too?" Drew asked.

        "You don't want to," Nick said.

        "Why not?"

        "You don't do cute names."

        "Drew is a very cute name."

        "Ha ha ha, Mr. Funny Pants."

        "There's nothing funny about my pants."

        "You're not wearing any pants."

        "I want to call you something."

        "Hi, I'm Nick."

        "I want to call Brian something, too."

        "Poopy Head," Nick suggested.  Brian pulled his hair.

        "No, that's what we call Jeff," Drew said.

        "Do we get to call you something?" Nick asked Drew.  Brian licked Nick's temple.

        "No."

        "That's not fair!  If you call us names, we get to call you names, too.  I'll be sweetheart.  No, I'll be babycakes.  The Nickmeister.  The Notorious Shaggy Snoopy Puffy Piddly Pissy-"  Brian was kissing Nick's fingers.

        "I know," Drew said.

        "I was on a roll," Nick said.  Brian sucked Nick's thumb.

        "Sweetheart isn't for you or me, it's what Brian says," Drew said.

        "What?" Nick asked.  "Oh!  Oh, I get it.  We're doing it backwards.  Okay.  So I have to think of what I want to call you guys.  Cutie-pie.  Sexy old guys.  Shrimp.  Dom wannabes."  Brian was nibbling up his arm.

        "Wannabes?" Drew repeated.

        "You're right.  Brian's a flat-out, full-on dom.  Let's tie him up.  Is this going to work?  Brian will say 'Sweetheart?' and we'll both turn around and say, 'What?'"  Brian was sucking on the inside of his elbow.

        "He knows our names," Drew said.  "It'll work."

        "I think I'll call you both Andy," Nick said.  Brian crawled down the bed.

        "I think I'll never answer."

        "I know!  I'll call you both Nick.  We need more Nicks around here."  Brian was licking down around his right ankle.

        "Yeah, it's not nearly confusing enough as it is," Drew said.

        "Brian, what do you want to be called?" Nick asked.  "B-Rok and, um, D-Cock."

        Brian and Drew burst into laughter.

        "What?  It works!" Nick told them.

        Kevin was packing.

        "I know you like me," AJ said.

        "I do like you," Kevin agreed.

        "I'm not going to pledge my undying love to you," AJ warned.

        "I might pledge mine."

        "Later."  He didn't want that now.

        "Let me know when you're ready to hear it."

        "You do it on command?"

        "For you."

        AJ smiled.

        "Very nice," JC approved.

        Justin waited.  Nothing.  Come on, JC.  Justin didn't get it.  This was kindergarten-level for JC.  Even Chris would've made a move on him by now.  What did he have to do, ask for it?

        Okay.  He'd ask for it.

        Justin took the papers from JC's hand and tossed them onto the table, then knelt over JC's thighs.  "Sex me."

        "Baby, I'm working."

        This was unprecedented.

        JC didn't even touch him.

        "JC, what the fuck is wrong with you?" Justin asked.  "Sorry, delete the big bad curse words.  I'm not mad at you, JC, and you're not mad at me, either.  Why won't you love me?"

        "Justin, I do love you."

        "You know what I mean."

        He saw it in JC's eyes.  JC knew exactly what he meant.  And it was taking its toll on JC, too.  JC missed him.

        "Oh, baby."  He hugged JC.  "You're hurting yourself.  Tell me why, JC, tell me what's keeping you away from me."

        "I'm working on my stamp collection," JC said against his shoulder.  "Oh, Justin.  You feel so good..."

        Love and desire flared through Justin's body.  He tried to drag his mind back to what JC had said.  He forced himself to concentrate on the problem, and not on how good it felt to be in JC's arms, how good it felt to be wanted.  "Stamp collection?"

        "You want me to get a hobby."

        "Oh."  Right.

        "I'm trying, baby," JC whispered.

        Justin ached for him.  "It won't work this way, JC.  You can't keep yourself from me.  You need something else, you have to find an interest.  Something to occupy you."

        "I know.  You're right."

        "You'll find it.  I don't think it'll be stamp collecting.  I think it'll be work.  Music."

        "Yeah."  JC inhaled.  "Oh, Justin."

        God, JC.

        "You're hard for me, baby."

        "Yes."  He bit his lip and tried to tap the brakes.  He couldn't be this aroused already; they hadn't done anything.

        "You make me hard, too, Justin.  You turn me on."

        Heat tightened Justin's thighs at JC's words.

        "Tell me you want me, baby.  I want to hear it."

        "I want you," Justin said.  His cock was throbbing, and he wanted to touch it, wanted JC to touch it, wanted-  "I want you, JC."

        JC's hand slid down Justin's back, down over Justin's ass, cupping his ass through his sweatpants.  Gentle fingers found the hole JC knew well.

        Justin moaned, resting his forehead on JC's shoulder.  He reached back with one hand and jerked down his sweatpants, bared his ass to JC's touch.  He wanted skin on skin.  He wanted JC inside.

        "Are you in a hurry, baby?"

        Yes.  Justin grit his teeth and tried not to grab his cock.  His pants were caught on it, and he gasped when JC freed him.  He kicked out of his sweatpants and let JC's finger go wherever it wanted.

        Deep inside.

        Right...there.  Justin gasped, feeling it rocket through him, feeling every muscle clench.

        Then JC kissed him.

        Nick wanted to check on Jeff.  But how?  What was he supposed to do, knock and ask, "Are you castrating yourself with nail clippers?"  He didn't know what to say.  He didn't know how Jeff would respond.  He didn't know what Jeff was doing in there.

        What was Jeff doing in there?

        Nick wanted to say, "Don't hate yourself.  Hate me."

        That, at least, would hurt less.

        Relatively.

        Nick scratched his ear.  "Uh, Jeff?"

        "What?"  He sounded sort of...normal.

        "You okay?"

        "Yeah."

        "What are you doing in there?"

        "Nothing."

        Okay.  "Are you going to come out?"

        "No."

        Uh...  "Can I come in?"

        "Yeah."

        Nick hadn't expected Jeff to say yes.  Uncertain but filled with new hope, he tried the door.  Unlocked.  He walked in and closed the door again.  He sat beside Jeff on the floor, against the tub.

        "We have money."

        "Yes."

        "I could afford to cut it off."

        "No!"

        "I was trying to decide, would it be worse to lose your balls and still have your cock, or to lose your cock and still have your balls?  I think that losing your cock would be worse.  But I'll take off everything, just to make sure."

        "Nothing is coming off!  You're keeping everything."

        "We could still have sex."

        "How?!"

        "You can do me.  I can give you blowjobs.  If you want, I could use my fingers.  Or we could buy something."

        "And what about you?"

        "What about me?" Jeff asked.

        "You're an idiot."

        "Get out of my bathroom."

        "Your bathroom?" Nick asked.

        "I never really hated myself before.  I've hated things I've done, I've hated things about me, but I never hated myself.  Me.  As a person.  I hate myself."

        "For what?!"

        "I love you, you know," Jeff said.  "You're my lover and my best friend and-"

        "I know," Nick said.  There were tears in Jeff's eyes and he wanted them to go away.

        "I promised to love you and be with you.  To take care of you and to make you happy."

        "You have."  Jeff never cried.  If one of those tears fell, Nick was going to panic.

        "You haven't been happy, you've been afraid.  That you're not enough, that I'm not happy, that I need more."

        "I was worried," Nick said.  "I'm stupid."

        "You're not stupid," Jeff said.

        "Okay, I'm a genius who happens to be incredibly wrong a lot of the time.  Uh...  Jeff?"

        "What?"

        "You're not going to cry, are you?"

        "No."

        "If you, it's okay if you-"

        "I'm not going to."

        Good.  Not that there was anything wrong with that.  Just, Nick wasn't sure what he was supposed to do if Jeff did cry.

        "I'm sorry I'm a shitty husband."

        "You're...  What are you talking about?" Nick asked.  That was insane!  "Jeff, you're the best husband anyone can be.  You're the best husband I could have."

        "You're overcompensating."

        "We're friends, we're partners.  We're in this together.  We understand each other, we know each other.  We have all of those things, respect and trust and love.  We communicate.  You know what we've been through."

        "A lot," Jeff said.

        "A lot," Nick agreed.

        "You're crying."

        "I am not," Nick muttered.

        Jeff smiled and touched his cheek.

        "I love you," Nick said.  "I love everything about you.  We're people, and we're still growing and learning, and we're going to change.  That's okay.  Maybe I'll even end up being mature.  We might even go through physical changes.  I'll go bald and you'll gain fifty pounds.  But those are natural changes."

        "What's your point?"

        "No unnatural changes.  No cosmetic surgery."

        "Not even to fix your nose?"

        "You like my nose.  You know what I'm talking about.  Nothing is coming off."

        "It's not cosmetic surgery," Jeff said.  "It's..."

        "What, a sex change?"

        "I don't want to be a girl."

        "I'm bi.  It's okay.  You already have breasts."

        Jeff hit him.

        "I love you," Nick said.

        "Yeah, I love you, too."

        "Can we make love?"

        "No."

        "I think you're blowing things out of proportion."

        "I think you want to get blown."

        "Don't be rude."

        "Sorry."

        "You have..."

        "Nick can't say 'penis,'" Jeff whispered.

        "Shut up.  You have a big...penis.  Shut up.  And you have big balls.  So what?  You should see Drew's nose.  Now that's a genetic mutation.  You have a big cock.  So do I."

        "Mine's bigger."

        "You don't have to brag about it."

        "Believe me, I'm not bragging."

        "You should."

        Jeff made a derisive noise.

        "You know that I want it, I like it, I love it.  I worship it.  I live for it."

        "Shut up."

        "We all know that Nick lusts after it like...like I do, only with less class."

        Jeff snorted.

        "You've been with Drew.  You made love to him.  Did he like it?"

        Jeff cleared his throat.  "Yeah."

        Nick grinned.  Drew must've loved it.  "Who else?  Brian."

        "Brian wanted me to...make love to him.  When we were all, and you were...with Drew..."

        "And you didn't do it?"

        "No!"

        "Why not?"

        Jeff looked at him.

        "But he wanted you to."

        "I couldn't.  I can't."

        "Would you do it to Nick?"

        "No."

        "You did it to Drew."

        "That's different."

        "Why?"

        "He's your brother."

        "So?"

        Jeff shook his head.  "He's part of you."

        "And you can make love to me."

        "Yeah."

        "Jeff.  I want you to do something for me."

        "What?"

        "Stay right here."  Nick got up and left.

        The fuck on the sofa had been a cheap fling to take off the edge.

        Then JC took him to the bed.  To make love to him.  To love him, and to let him experience that love firsthand.