Contact

Three Lone, Lorn Creatures, a slashfic in four parts

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairing (so to speak): Ray Kowalski/Renfield Turnbull/Benton Fraser

Disclaimer: "due South," with its related characters and themes, belongs to Paul Haggis and Alliance, not to me. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor, at least.

Wherein first names are revealed and used; Ray comes in Canadians and goes to Canada; and Diefenbaker makes three new Scottish friends, however reluctantly.

Notice: This slashfic takes advantage of the standard Turnbull slashfic stereotypes. Also, I stole a little idea from Audra Morrison Macmann's "Subatomic" with her permission.

"Three" Part Three: Contact

Renfield did not know why Ray had gone north. He had no clues to sort out, either. It must have been personal, but what did it mean? Fraser had known all about it; perhaps Fraser was involved.

He had opened his door to find Ray. He'd been relieved to have Ray arrive first; he wouldn't have had any idea how to entertain Fraser alone. He wasn't exactly, entirely comfortable around Ray, but having Ray in his apartment was familiar, at least, and he had experience in hosting Ray. He set about cooking. Fraser arrived; Ray got the door for him. He kept out of the conversation on purpose, and glanced over his shoulder to watch the two men interact. Their easy rapport was natural and exclusive. Then Ray made an effortless effort to include him in their conversation, which actually worked, as they discussed Canada. The two natives were interested in Ray's thoughts on the subject, and Ray wanted to hear them tell him more about what he'd seen and experienced. They ate. Then he and Fraser cleaned while Ray sat and watched. They settled around the living room, Ray and Fraser and the cats on the sofa, himself in the chair.

It seemed that Ray had gone to Toronto first, then farther north. Ray gave no hints as to a reason for going to Canada at all. Ray had been there on business, he gathered, not pleasure; there was no mention of tourist sites or places where Ray would have gone for enjoyment. Fraser, Renfield guessed, knew exactly what Ray had done and why. Clearly Ray trusted Fraser much more than Ray trusted him.

Fraser said, "Ray, you must be exhausted. You barely slept last night and now it's getting late."

"Maybe I'll just curl up with the cats and take a little nap," Ray said, scratching Malcolm. "Okay, I'll drive you home and stagger off to bed. Somebody help me up."

"Should you be driving?" Fraser asked.

"According to you, never," Ray teased. "Of course I can drive. I'm sleepy, not asleep."

"Surely Renfield wouldn't mind if you slept here on the sofa," Fraser said.

"What was that about not inviting yourself or others to somebody else's place?" Ray teased. "Come on, Frase, I'm good to go."

"As soon as you stand you'll fall," Fraser said firmly. "You stay here. Renfield, thank you for a lovely evening. You are quite a chef," he said, rising. Renfield rose as well; they shook hands.

"Thank you, sir. It was an honor."

"Ren, you're supposed to say, 'Thanks, Frase, let's do it again sometime,'" Ray said, then yawned. "Save the sir stuff for the office."

"Ray, did you get any sleep last night?" Fraser said.

"I said I did, didn't I?"

"How much?" Fraser asked shortly.

"At least half an hour, maybe more."

"It's a wonder how you survive. Good night to you both." Fraser left.

"Aw, damn," Ray said. "Stupid Mountie." He yawned. "At least Malcolm still likes me."

"Constable Fraser is very fond of you, and the cat in your lap is Donalbain."

"You care if I just fall asleep here, Ren?"

"I would rather you slept in the bed, Ray."

"Alone, you mean."

"Yes, Ray."

"And have you squish yourself onto this sofa?"

"I will sleep on the floor, Ray."

"What if I say no?"

"I'll move you to the bed once you've fallen asleep."

Ray forced himself from the sofa, walked to the bedroom, and collapsed onto the bed. He was asleep almost instantly. He was already barefoot, having removed his shoes earlier in the evening. Renfield gently moved the dead weight into a more comfortable position and covered Ray with the bedclothes. Then he stripped, urinated, brushed his teeth, found a blanket and pillow, and stretched out on the floor behind the sofa.

Ray awoke to fingers on his jaw. "Ren," he breathed.

"Sorry, Ray."

"Oh, damn it."

"Quite, Ray."

"Fraser, what are you doing here?"

"There was an emergency at the Consulate. Renfield had to-"

"An emergency at the Consulate? The Ice Queen found a form done only in duplicate?"

"Renfield," Fraser continued calmly, "had to leave here early and did not wish to disturb you. I stopped by your apartment to pick up some of your belongings; you should be able to make it to work on time."

"On time? Welsh wouldn't know what to do with me. You know," Ray said, "the first time I slept in this bed when I woke up I thought Ren was you, and now it's backwards."

"When you thought that Renfield was myself, I do hope that he wasn't doing anything..."

"Improper? Actually, he was - - no, never mind, I won't tease you."

"That would be novel."

"Guess I'd better get outta bed. You know I didn't intend to stay the night."

"It was entirely my fault, Ray."

"Entirely. That's right."

"I must return to the Consulate, Ray."

"Why didn't Ren come?"

"He is busy, Ray."

"Stupid Mountie."

"Quite."

"You think he knows why I left?"

"No, Ray. I do believe that he is disturbed that I do know."

"You mean he's jealous 'cause I told you and not him."

"Yes, Ray, that is what I mean."

"You know, he likes you better than me, and he thinks that I like you better than I like him. And you like Vecchio better than either of us."

"You mean that Renfield prefers me to you? That is preposterous, Ray."

"I don't mean for sex. Although that could be really interesting. I just mean you're more important to him than I am."

"Why would you think so, Ray?"

"Because I've talked to him," Ray said. "I've heard him talk about you."

"Ray, I would prefer it if you wouldn't picture myself and Renfield in bed together."

"Why?"

"Because now I'm picturing myself and Renfield in bed together."

"Pretty nifty, isn't it?"

"Yes, Ray, quite."

Ray grinned, truly pleased and amused. Then his grin softened. "You like him, don't you?"

Fraser was candid. "Renfield reminds me of home. Not my heart's home, Ray Vecchio, but my soul's home."

"You gotta tell people stuff like that, Frase."

"When?"

"Before you never get the chance to say it at all."

Ray figured that maybe it would be good to take his own advice. He couldn't exactly tell Fraser to unload deep emotional stuff on Renfield if he wasn't doing it himself. But it was hard. Hard to admit it to himself, hard to decide to say it, to put it out there, to have it said, to have it known.

He was so tense that he worked like crazy and collared perps on three different cases. That only made all the more paperwork, but he shoved it aside and left the precinct as soon as he could. He drove over to Renfield's building.

Renfield opened the door while still tugging on his shirt. He looked shocked. "Ray."

"This a bad time?" He figured that there were several possibilities here. Clearly the shiny-clean, damp-haired Mountie had just taken a shower. One: Ren had just screwed somebody. Two: Ren was getting ready for a date. Three: Ren had simply taken a shower just to get clean and wasn't cheating on him at all. No, Ren couldn't cheat on him, because they weren't together.

Ray decided that Renfield looked very good shiny-clean, damp-haired, and with all of that hard chest exposed. Then Renfield finished pulling on the shirt and started to button. Damn it. Damn me for looking, anyway. I'm not allowed to look at him like that anymore. "You lost weight," he said, then remembered that Renfield hadn't said anything since that first "Ray." "This a bad time?"

"Oh, yes, Ray, please, come in, no, I was just...just finishing my ablutions. This is a fine time. Would you like something to eat?" He entered; Renfield closed the door.

"I would, but I sorta feel like I'm using you for food, just showing up like this and then you feeding me."

"Oh, not at all, Ray, I'm happy to do it."

"I believe you."

"Please excuse me for one moment."

He'd wondered about that, as Renfield went to the bedroom. He knew that Renfield must have closed the jeans before opening the door, but since the shirt hadn't been on, the jeans were closed but the shirt was untucked. He'd been wondered how Renfield would deal with it. He knew that Renfield wasn't likely to leave the shirt untucked, but he didn't think that the big Mountie hands could get inside those jeans to do the tucking without undoing the fly. Apparently Renfield was just going to duck into the bedroom to open the jeans in privacy, away from his damned prying eyes. Sure enough, Renfield emerged all tucked and buttoned. Renfield's hair was a little disordered, and he was sure that Renfield was too distracted by his sudden arrival to remember, and he wasn't going to say anything since it sort of looked good like that.

Renfield made the best macaroni and cheese Ray'd ever tasted. How could anyone make such a simple dish taste like goumet cuisine?

They sat on the sofa, each with a cat in his lap, Ray's feet tucked up behind him, Ray sitting sideways to face Renfield. Renfield was sitting straight and proper, and Ray remembered Renfield slumping forward after that last blow job, the big man's stiff posture completely wrecked, Renfield tilting forward as though to topple right to the floor.

"There's something I gotta tell you. Two things. I'm pretty sure that it'll fuck up our entire friendship. You'll hate me for saying the one, and you might even hate me for saying both, I don't know."

"What is it, Ray?"

"I gotta tell you the one second, because saying it first isn't fair. So, I'll tell you, um, I went to Canada. To see three people."

"To see whom, Ray?" Renfield was happy that Ray was telling him, finally, what the trip to Canada had entailed. However, he was anxious now, because Ray clearly didn't want to tell him at all.

"Your father. Drew. Alex."

It was funny, how nightmares slipped right into real life.

"Ren, you okay? Ren?" Ray's hand was on his arm, sure and warm. "Ren. God, Ren, breathe. Damn it," a quiet mutter, then, "Constable Turnbull!"

He inhaled suddenly, too suddenly, coughed, and resumed regular respiration.

"I know I shouldn't have gone. It's none of my business. But I wanted to meet your dad, to see who this guy is. And I wanted... I wanted to see Drew and Alex for myself. I believed every word you said to me, Ren, don't think it's about that. I just wanted to look them in the eyes. I couldn't live knowing that those evil sadistic self-obsessed bastards had hurt you and had gotten away with it. Fraser made me leave my gun here. I had to, legally, anyway, but he was worried that I might, you know, try to use it. He doesn't know a thing, honest, he doesn't know that Drew and Alex were sexually involved with you, he doesn't know what they did to you, he just knows that they're two guys who hurt you. I wouldn't betray your confidence like that. I had to tell him their names because I needed his help to track them down. Ren, you still with me? I know I shouldn't have gone, I shouldn't have done it, but I did."

He kept staring straight ahead, unmoving, Ray at his side no longer touching him.

"The second thing, I guess maybe I shouldn't tell you until you've responded to the first. You got anything to say?"

He kept staring straight ahead, unmoving.

"Okay, then, on to number two. I'm in love with you. You don't hafta be jealous of Fraser or of Stella or of anybody else. You don't hafta worry that I'll get sick of you and leave you. You don't hafta worry that I'm using you for sex. I'm in love with you, Ren. Ren? You don't gotta say it back, honest, just say something."

"Go."

"Me? You want me to go?"

This time it wasn't soft. This time it was harsh and low. "Go."

"Okay. I'm going. I'll see you later, Ren. I knew I'd fuck this up, I knew it. Bye." Ray left.

"Constable Fraser speaking."

"Frase, it's Ray. You ever heard Ren give a command?"

"No, Ray, I don't recall ever having the pleasure."

"He makes Welsh and Thatcher sound like they're pleading for a favor. Ren's command voice would make anybody snap to attention. You gotta get him to do it for you."

"What brought this on, Ray?"

"I told him I went to see his dad and those two guys. And I told him that I'm in love with him. And he told me to go."

"He asked you to leave his apartment, Ray?"

"Yep. He didn't exactly ask, though."

"I see."

"Yeah. I'm freaking out here, Fraser. I'm in love with somebody who really doesn't like me. This is not a good situation."

"Perhaps Renfield needs this time to consider the information."

"I totally betrayed him and I claim to love him? He must think that I'm just another manipulative bastard."

"Renfield should know you better than that, Ray."

"Can you order him to kiss me?"

"Ray..."

"I know, I know. Fraser, what'm I gonna do? Besides whine on the phone like an adolescent girl."

"Patience might be best at this point, Ray."

"You mean wait for him to do something?"

"I would advise it, yes."

"Damn it. Still, I gotta count my blessings. I'm better off than you," he said softly, hating Vecchio.

"Yes, Ray." Fraser's tone was gentle.

Renfield joined a gym.

He didn't like using the machines. He didn't like being indoors. He didn't like the crowds. He didn't like the locker room. But he needed some physical exertion, and he wasn't getting sufficient activity in his daily life. Weighing his options, he decided that joining a gym was his best bet. He tried different regimes, then ruled out the classes. He did better on his own. He climbed, pumped, lifted, and swam every night. His body was accustomed to rigorous physical activity and was pleased with this return to exercise. Chicago was an unhealthy city in several ways, and he felt better now that he was more active, even in the gym environment.

In his morning shower one day, he took a moment to look down at his body. Normally, he considered his body serviceable. As long as it did what he needed it to do, he was fine. For years he'd avoided looking at it directly; he showered and dressed briskly so as to escape any reflection on his appearance. Now, he ran a hand over his abdomen, feeling the ridges beneath his fingers.

Ray. Ray's hand here, Ray stroking his skin, Ray admiring his body. Ray liked his body. Ray wanted his body.

He traced over his abdomen once more, then dropped his hand again. That was over now. No more Ray.

He left the shower and dried himself, then went to his bedroom naked, on purpose. He looked at his body in the mirror, from neck to feet. There he was. This was what he looked like. This was what Drew, Alex, and Ray saw.

Drew, Alex, and Ray.

They didn't belong together like that. Alex, Drew, and Ray. Ray, Drew, and Alex. That was better. He couldn't put Alex and Ray side-by-side.

Well, he was a large person. And pale. And muscular. So what? He wasn't attractive. He wasn't good-looking. He didn't have a nice body. Ray just wanted something to stroke, after all.

Ray ran his hands through his hair. Fraser smiled at the effect. Ray glared. Fraser smiled. Ray smiled.

"I wonder how many guys he's met at this gym."

"Renfield does not strike me as the sort of man to go to a gym to meet men, Ray."

"Yeah, but some guys are there to do that, and I'll bet they've all latched onto Ren. Think about it. You're a single guy, you see other single guys all hard and toned and fit, you see them sweating at machines, muscles working, you see them in the locker room, in the shower, all wet and naked. They're all gonna be latched onto Ren. And stop thinking dirty pictures of him!"

"I wouldn't 'think dirty pictures of him' if you wouldn't say things like what you just said, Ray."

"Can we stay on the subject, please? Ren's at a gym with hard-bodied horny guys. This is not good."

"Would you like me to order him to quit his membership?"

"Yeah, I would, but I know you won't do it. You know what I need?"

"What, Ray?"

"A good body. I might never look like a homegrown Mountie like some people I could mention, but I could, I don't know, build some muscle mass or something."

"Ray, you have a fine body."

"Easy for you to say."

"Ray, would you like me to be as alarmingly candid as you often are?"

"Not if you're going to be insulting."

"I merely want to say, Ray, that if it weren't for Ray Vecchio and other considerations, I would have jumped you long ago on the basis of your appearance alone."

"Holy shit, Fraser."

"You needn't worry about your body."

"Apparently not. You think Ren likes my body?"

"I cannot speak for Renfield."

"That means no."

"I would assume, Ray, that since the two of you were intimate, that he finds your body pleasing."

"Yeah. Maybe. He did do the whole smelling tasting licking thing, which was pretty intense. If he didn't liked my body he wouldn't've bothered."

"Renfield's gym membership means that he is seeking physical fitness or physical activity, Ray. You cannot assume that he is there to find a boyfriend."

"Those places are meat markets, Frase. And I'm thinking that maybe Ren, since he's sort of working with a seriously warped self-image, might be the perfect prey for those guys."

"What will you do, Ray? Warn him? Ask him to quit?"

Ray was quiet, but only briefly. Then he turned to Fraser with a broad smile. "Hey, Frase, you in the mood for a workout?"

Ray was used to gyms. He was used to locker rooms. The entire atmosphere was a familiar one. Fraser was less comfortable but perfectly calm at his side. They changed clothes and walked out casually. Ray didn't know why Renfield had chosen this particular gym. On the one hand it was perfectly located, so that Renfield could get there easily from the Consulate. It was the closest gym to Renfield's apartment. On the other hand, it was patronized overwhelmingly by gay men. Did Renfield know that beforehand? Did it make Renfield more comfortable to be among other gay men, or was Renfield looking for some action?

He hated to believe that Renfield, who'd gone for a long dry spell between Alex and him, suddenly was turning to casual sex. Renfield deserved much better. Some people weren't cut out for casual sex. Some people were romantics, were commitment types. Renfield was one of those people. He was coming to believe that he was, too.

"Ray," Fraser said quietly. He followed Fraser's line of sight across the weight room.

Renfield was sitting on a machine to work his legs. A trim blonde guy, tanned and bleached, was standing by Renfield, leaning in casually but significantly, sending out clear body language signals. Renfield was smiling and listening politely but there was something sick in his smile, something unhappy, something forced, that Ray saw as clear as day, minute though it was.

"I'm going in," Ray told Fraser. "Cover me." He slipped through the sweating bodies towards Renfield. "Hey," he said. He and Renfield hadn't exactly said more than two words to each other since his disastrous declarations. Renfield's sick look went from minute to blatant in .002 seconds upon seeing him. "Hey, I'm Ray," he told the blonde.

"Brett," the blonde said.

Of course. Brett. He should've known. "You a friend of Ren's?"

"Is that your name?" Brett asked Renfield, smiling. "I was just introducing myself. I haven't seen you around here before."

"First time. You're here a lot, I'm guessing," and he gave Brett's body a quick once-over, eyes flickering just enough.

Brett smiled. "You should come often."

"I plan to." He grinned right back, and anybody even halfway paying attention knew exactly what he meant.

Brett smiled, completely taken. Ray couldn't believe how easy this was, and how much he disliked it. Fraser and Renfield didn't belong in places like this. Fraser shouldn't be subjected to this sort of attention, and Renfield, it made him ill to think about it.

"Here you are," a low voice said in his ear, a strong arm sliding around his waist. Fraser suddenly was at his right side, to the seated Renfield's left, facing Brett. "Making friends?"

"This is Brett," Ray introduced. "I was just telling him that we ought to come here more often."

"Too much of a crowd for my taste," Fraser said. Ray had Mountie pressed all up against his right side. "I prefer to perform my workouts in a more private setting."

Ray chuckled.

"Ren seems to like it here," Fraser added. "It's hard for someone of his physical nature to find enough of an outlet in ordinary activity." Ray saw Brett's eyes swim with possibilities of new activities for Ren to try. "Ray and I just stopped by today to see where he's been spending his time."

"He's been doing really well here," Brett said. "It's a great gym. The people are really friendly."

"Ren tends to attract friendly people," Fraser said. "I wonder if you'd mind telling them to be a little less friendly. It's hard to get across the message that we aren't interested in...anyone else."

"Oh, you three are together?" Brett asked, surprised, confused.

"Ray's with me. Ren's with me," Fraser said simply. "What the two of them do together behind my back is up to them. But I don't share. You'll let the friendly people know?"

"Sure," Brett said. "We didn't realize it was like that. Nice meeting you."

When Brett was gone, Ray turned his head and whispered, "Fraser, you hard-assed butch dominant, I had no idea."

"We're getting out of here," Fraser said softly, "right now." He released Ray and stood over Renfield, who was still sitting without moving, head down now, wordless. He knelt and took the angular face in his hands. "Renfield, we're going home now. You are never coming back here." His thumbs stroked Renfield's cheeks before he realized what he was doing. He caught himself and stood. He gripped Renfield's hand and pulled; Renfield obeyed, following him, led by the hand to the locker room, Ray following. In the locker room, they paused only to gather their bags, not even changing before leaving the building and getting into Ray's car. Ray drove them all to Renfield's apartment. Renfield, after unlocking the door, stood just inside without moving. Fraser's hand on Renfield's back guided Renfield to the sofa, where Renfield sat. Ray sat perched at Renfield's side. Fraser crouched before the other Mountie.

"Renfield," Fraser said, "if you would like to go to a gym, you have every right to go. But you will not patronize that particular establishment. It's not healthy." He gathered Renfield's large hands into his own. "I realize that you may not feel comfortable speaking with Ray now that you have rebuffed him. I want you to know that you may come to me. I want you to talk to me. Not as your superior, but because..." Fraser ran his thumb over his eyebrow. "Because I am concerned about you. Because I care about you. Because I would like to help you and to see you happy."

"Con-"

"Call me Fraser, call me Benton, call me Ben, call me Benny." Ray's eyebrows rose at that last one. "Renfield, you do not belong in that gym with those men."

Renfield looked right into Fraser's blue eyes where Fraser was crouched between his feet. "Brett only spoke to me today because he knew where it would lead. I've been going to that gym for three weeks now and I've been with thirty-two men. Some of them want it right there in the gym, in the shower, off in a corner. Some take me back to their apartments or homes. Some want oral sex; some want anal sex. You didn't need to come to my rescue."

"You need rescuing, but not from those bastards," Ray said. "You need rescuing from yourself. Damn it, Fleance, not now."

"That's Malcolm," Renfield said quietly.

"Ren, how can you let anyone treat you like this?" Ray asked, not sure whether he was more sad than angry or more angry than sad. "You don't deserve this cheap use of your body. You're better than that, you're better than them. Better than they. Ren, don't do this to yourself. You deserve to be treated right. Ren..." He shifted closer, right up close until he was almost touching along Renfield's left side. "Did they hurt you? Was it straightforward sex or did they want more?"

"Ray," Fraser said. "We've violated Renfield's privacy enough as it is. We're here to help him, not to interrogate him on his sexual practices."

"Tell me," Ray insisted, ignoring Fraser.

"I did what they wanted," Renfield said, still looking at Fraser. He knew that if he looked away once he'd never, ever, for the rest of his entire life, be able to meet this man's gaze. He wanted Fraser to know, once and for all, what he was. He wanted Fraser to see, finally, and to recoil in horror, and to reject him as he warranted.

"What did you want?" Fraser asked.

"I don't bother with wanting anything anymore. I'll never get it."

"What's the last thing you wanted?" Fraser asked, squeezing Renfield's hands, leaning forward.

"Ray."

"Before that?"

"Your respect."

"Before that?"

"To be a Mountie."

"Renfield, you have all three of those things. You are a Mountie. I do respect you, I more than respect you. You had Ray, and you can have him again."

"Mounties don't lie," Renfield said, "and you're lying. Get out."

"One of us is going to stay. It'll be either me or Ray. It's your choice."

"Get out." He dropped his eyes.

"I will see you at the Consulate in the morning. Good evening. Ray." Fraser stood, took up his bag, and left.

Ray sighed and settled back against the sofa arm, half reclining. "You need a shower. I'll look for something to eat." Renfield went to the bathroom and locked the door. Ray put out a hand and Donalbain rubbed against it; he lifted the cat and set it on his lap. "What're we gonna do, Donny?"

Renfield didn't expect Ray to ask for sex. Ray wouldn't want him anymore, not after meeting Drew and Alex, not after hearing what he'd been doing for the past three weeks. Ray was, however, calmly friendly. He'd never had anyone cook in his kitchen before; they ate silently. Then they cleaned up, not as smoothly as on earlier occasions, before Ray slumped on the sofa with Malcolm, humming abstractly.

"Ren?"

Renfield was on the armchair. "Yes, Ray." He sounded tired, to himself.

"You hate me?"

"No, Ray."

"You wish we were still together like before?"

"Yes, Ray."

"You want me?"

"Yes, Ray."

"You want those other guys?"

"No, Ray."

"So you let them use your body."

"Yes, Ray."

"You think that I was using your body?"

"I don't know, Ray."

"You trust me to tell you the truth?"

"I believe that you tell what you believe to be true."

"So you think that I don't really love you."

"That is correct."

"Could we be together again? Like before? Hanging out, spending our free time together, not seeing other people?"

"Do you want sex, Ray?"

"I want you. If you want to have sex with me, okay, great, but that's not the main selling point right now."

Renfield knew that he disgusted Ray. He was tainted by those other men, their perversions, their sweat and semen. "All right, Ray."

"So we're boyfriends?"

"Yes, Ray."

"Good. Let me stay here tonight?"

"You have work in the morning, Ray."

"So wake me up early." Ray scratched Malcolm. "I'm gonna buy you a stereo."

"I wish that you wouldn't, Ray."

"You let other guys walk all over you and do whatever they want, but not me? Or am I being held to a different standard? Or am I one of the, what, two people whom you actually tell what you want? If you don't want me to buy you a stereo, I won't do it. Maybe you can buy yourself one."

"Ray."

"Yeah?" Ray's mind was elsewhere.

"Will you sodomize me?"

"No."

His gut clenched with fear, shame, desperation, self-loathing.

"It's early, but I don't give a fuck. I'm going to bed. I want you to come with me."

"All right, Ray."

Ten minutes later they were lying on their sides, facing each other, in their boxer shorts, Renfield in his T-shirt as well. Ray was looking into Renfield's face without emotion. "Wake me up early, Ren."

"Yes, Ray."

"And kiss me when you do."

His heart pounded; he felt a twist of fear. "All right, Ray."

"On the mouth."

"Yes, Ray."

Renfield awoke. Neither of them had moved, which was an unusual sleeping pattern. He gazed on Ray's face, trying not to feel the fear and shame. He said, "Ray. Ray." He put a hand on Ray's elbow.

Ray's eyes opened. "Ren." He shifted closer, almost close enough to touch, then waited, expectant.

Renfield swallowed, licked his lips, looked around the room for a source of help. No, he was alone here. He looked at Ray's mouth, away from those eyes, and leaned a bit closer, eyes closing.

Contact. Soft warm pink lips, then a firm kiss, then a gentle yielding, and he was without warning inside, inside where it was hot and wet and actually sweet first thing in the morning. He put his arm around Ray, over Ray's hip, hand on Ray's warm naked back, drawing Ray to himself, enjoying the heady feeling of having that strong slim body close. His hand slid up Ray's spine, then down again, and he slid his hand down over Ray's boxers and pulled Ray's thigh up so that Ray's leg came over his. Ray had wriggled up close to him, pressed in, kissing him, one hand on his bicep, the other hand curling between his hip and the mattress.

"That's it," Ray said, pulling back. "If I kiss you any more, I'll want to do other stuff, and since you probably just got syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes, and hepatitis if not HIV, I'm not about to have your semen within ten yards of me."

"I used a condom every time."

"Every time. All the guys who fucked you, all the guys you sucked."

"Yes, Ray."

"Okay. Go get a drug test and we'll talk." Ray left the bed, and soon Renfield was alone in the apartment.

Such a piece of heaven. Such a glance at perfection. Touching Ray, holding Ray, kissing Ray's mouth. Too brief. Not enough. He wanted to lie there and kiss Ray for hours upon hours. But Ray was right. Even though he'd been very careful, if it meant keeping Ray safe, he'd go through test after test. He didn't dare risk Ray's health.

At the Consulate, Fraser came to see Renfield that morning. "How are you this morning, Renfield?"

"I am fine. How are you?" He'd decided the previous night that if he couldn't address the man as "Constable Fraser," he simply wouldn't say anything.

"I'm worried about you. I do hope that you chose to use diligent sexual protection."

"Yes, I did."

"I hope that you wouldn't put yourself at risk, or Ray."

"I certainly would not endanger Ray."

"I expected as much, Renfield."

Ray entered. "Hey, Mounties," he said, grinning at Fraser and kissing Renfield so quickly and easily that Renfield wasn't sure what had happened. Ray seemed to act naturally often and at times when Renfield couldn't stop shaking.

"Hello, Ray," Fraser said. "You're here early."

"Just wanted to check on my Mounties before work. Fraser, could I get a minute with Ren?"

"Certainly, Ray. Good day to you." Fraser left them alone. Ray said, lowering his voice, "You remember that thing we talked about this morning?"

"Yes, Ray."

"Can you take care of that soon? 'Cause I sorta miss you, and I got an itch like you wouldn't believe. I know I could get off on you now, but it isn't the same without you getting your own satisfaction outta it. I like makin' you come on me." Ray kissed Renfield and left abruptly.

He'd thought that Ray, in their earlier sexual situations, was simply being kind in being attentive to his satiation. But what if Ray meant it? What if Ray liked making him reach orgasm as greatly as he liked doing the same to Ray? Sometimes he had felt like as long as Ray came, his own reactions were secondary, because he was focused on Ray's body and didn't care about his own. Then he actually would come, and the rush would be so intense that-

-well, never mind that.

He got his own satisfaction from Ray's. Maybe Ray had an inkling of the same feeling.

What a change from everyone else, who only cared about getting off and didn't think to ask whether he'd liked any of it. Or, if they noticed that he hadn't reached sexual climax, they either pitied him, mocked him, or yelled at him in anger at the proof that they weren't the studs that they imagined themselves to be. He was perfectly capable of erection and orgasm, thank you very much; he got hard over Ray so often and easily that it was embarrassing.

Ray scratched Fleance's ears. "Listen, Flea," he said, "I gotta problem." The cat looked up at him in lazy contentment. "Oh sure, give you a little scratch and you're all in little kitty nirvana. Well, okay, maybe if a certain big Canadian scratched me a little I'd be singing a different tune too, you know what I mean? But listen, this is serious."

Renfield wondered whether Ray actually meant for him to be listening or not. He turned down the burner and looked for the flatware.

"You know that I'm..." He looked around for eavesdroppers. "I'm undercover. I'm not really Ray Vecchio. Thank god. But I have to live life as Vecchio. I gotta play Frannie's brother. I gotta be Vecchio. Which has its perks, a great job, Fraser, that sorta thing. But Vecchio's not an out gay man. I think that we can all guess why, being a Catholic and a cop and all that. But come on, maybe in lots and lots of places it's hell being a gay cop, I can't think of any good reason to do it, but with Welsh and Huey and Dewey and everything, I know they'd understand if I were a closeted gay cop. So I'd be willing to live as myself to people I can trust. But that's not even the whole thing. 'Cause I got this thing going on with Ren, and Vecchio ain't into that. Vecchio had this secret love for Fraser; he wasn't moving in with Ren. I wanna move in with Ren. For real, officially. But forget asking Ren what he thinks about it, because I can't consider it, because I'm Vecchio and Vecchio wouldn't do it. So I'm screwed. Which sucks. I mean, right now, I can pass as Vecchio. I can say I'm just friends with Ren, except for kissing him in the Consulate this morning, but nobody was looking 'cept Fraser, and Fraser's okay with it. Anyway, my point is, so far I can say that Ren and I are just friends, like Fraser and I are just friends. But I don't wanna be just friends, I wanna be Ren's boyfriend or lover or significant other or life partner or whatever. Husband, I dunno. I did the husband thing once, the marriage thing, and I really wanna try that with Ren, only he's not exactly ready for it yet, which is okay since I can't do it anyway, because I'm Ray Vecchio. Bastard." Ray looked up as a large man dropped to his knees between Ray's spread feet. "Hi, Ren."

"Ray," Renfield gasped.

Ray shooed Fleance and sat up straighter, then leaned closer to Renfield. "Want something?"

"Ray, you want to marry me?"

"Yes," Ray said. "I do." He grinned.

"Ray..."

"Ren," Ray teased. "I didn't know they made tongue-tied Mounties. I like this new version. Lemme untie your tongue for you." Suddenly Ray's tongue was in Renfield's mouth. Renfield reached back one hand and shoved aside the table, then drew Ray to himself and laid back on the floor, pulling Ray over him. His shirt was opened and shoved back, exposing his chest; Ray kissed and sucked and bit from collarbone to navel. Renfield's delicate pale skin liked Ray's teeth. Funny how the pain Ray drew never hurt. "Ren," Ray said, sucking at the skin below Renfield's navel. Renfield ached to want a purple bruise there, hoped that Ray would mark him well. "You got condoms?"

"Yes, Ray."

"Where?"

"They are in my bedside table, Ray." How could he manage to speak under these circumstances? How could anyone speak when Ray's mouth was on his skin?

"Let's go get some."

"Ray."

"Yeah?" Ray asked, leaning up, and those even white teeth scraped over Renfield's pectoral muscle before wet red lips closed over a nipple.

"My test...results...yesterday..." Incoherence was rapidly upon him.

"Yesterday?" Ray demanded, mouth off Mountie skin, blue eyes looking at Renfield. "Yesterday?"

"I am in complete physical health."

"Nothing? Nothing, you're sure?"

"I am in complete physical health, Ray. You are in no danger."

"God, why didn't you tell me, take me to bed, Ren." Ray kissed Renfield, deep and hungry, overtaking Renfield's mouth. Renfield, taking advantage of his own strength and Ray's enticing flexibility, managed to stand so that he could walk backwards to the bedroom. Once by the bed, Ray started to undress them both haphazardly. Renfield overtook the task, wanting it done efficiently so that he could feel this naked body against him. He had to break their kiss at points, which Ray didn't appreciate, but soon they were naked. Ray sank back on the bed like someone right out of a TV sex scene, which impressed Renfield, and Renfield stretched out over him, fulfilling the other role. They stayed there, kissing, touching each other to renew their physical acquaintanceship.

"Ren," Ray said. "Hey, listen."

"Yes, Ray?" Renfield asked, nervous now. What had he done wrong? He'd tried hard not to upset Ray; it was just hard not to touch Ray, not to-

"Fuck me?"

"Oh, no, Ray, no, you don't have to-"

"I want to. We can call it making love if you want. We can call it anal sex, we can call it sodomy, I don't care. I want you inside. I wanna know what it feels like. I wanna have that...that link, that... You know what I mean. Don't you wanna? You said before, you told me that you wanted to. Remember, you fell off the bed?"

"Oh, Ray... Ray, no. I can't."

"You don't want to?"

Mounties didn't lie. "Yes, Ray, I would like very much to make love to you."

"Then do it. I want you to. I mean, we gotta start out careful, I'm not exactly used to it, but I trust you."

"Wouldn't you rather penetrate me, Ray?"

"After you do me."

"Oh, Ray..."

"Can you at least do that finger-fucking thing? And I was sort of wondering, unless it's absolutely gross, just where you're willing to put that tongue."

Renfield turned bright red.

"That's a yes. All right!" Ray kissed Renfield. "I'll just lie back here and let you do whatever you want."

Renfield kissed Ray's lips, kissed along Ray's jaw, kissed down Ray's neck, detoured up to Ray's ear, slid his hands down to Ray's waist. While his mouth worked above the navel, his hands worked below to position Ray's legs, feet, and hips. Then his mouth lowered, bypassing Ray's erection, kissing down along the crease where thigh met groin, then down behind Ray's balls, lapping along the perineum. Oh yes, there it was, the promised land. He kissed around it, licked across it, sucked a little, and then...

As Renfield licked and probed, he listened. Ray was breathing quite shallowly, and he had to keep his hands on Ray's hips to keep Ray on the bed. He waited until Ray was on the edge of control, at which point he broke away, ending all contact. He leaned to the dresser while Ray shuddered and swore. He got the lubricant and uncapped the tube.

"Oh, fuck, yes," Ray moaned, spreading his thighs wide and rolling his hips for easier access.

With that attitude, that easy self-positioning, and that tight little ass, Renfield realized that Ray was a natural fuck.

Renfield smoothed the lubricant onto his fingers and traced them around the opening. Ray shifted a little. Renfield wedged one fingertip in; Ray's muscles clamped down, sucking him in. "Relax, relax," Renfield breathed, wriggling his finger, easing Ray's muscle. There was a tense moment, then he stretched Ray gradually, sliding that finger in and out slowly, getting Ray used to the sensation. Ray relaxed more, breathing evenly on purpose, and Renfield continued, patient. Then, a second finger joined the first. Ray adjusted cautiously. Then a third finger. Ray didn't quite panic, but there was another tense moment when Renfield wondered whether he should just quit. But Ray calmed down and consciously relaxed, and Renfield had three fingers inside that exquisite channel, and it felt good to be inside of Ray. He worked his fingers in and out, sometimes two, sometimes three, and then he hooked and thrust.

Ray's hips cleared the bed and Ray's breath came out on one long, multi-syllabic "Fuck." Renfield took advantage of the situation to make Ray half-mad with ecstasy. Then he took pity and stopped, going back to slow thrusts and stretches.

"Ray," Ray told himself, "meet your prostate."

"Yes, Ray," Renfield said, smiling.

"God, Ren, fuck me."

"You've just begun, Ray. Perhaps you should move in gradual stages."

"Ren." Ray sat up and grabbed Renfield's shoulders. Renfield pushed against his prostate and Ray moaned, eyes rolling back, shuddering. He gripped Renfield's shoulders harder. "Ren, fuck me." Renfield's fingers thrust again. "Ren, Ren, god, fuck me fuck me fu-u-u-u-uck me-e-oh."

Renfield couldn't resist. It was his greatest fantasy come true. Ray collapsed back again, and he used his free hand to smear some lubricant on his erection while his right hand fingers stroked Ray's insides gently. He came close, hovering over Ray. Ray managed to look up into his eyes. He worried that he'd hurt Ray. But Ray was trusting him, and he'd do his best. He was certain that Ray knew of the possibility of pain; Ray was trusting, not naive or stupid. He lined himself up carefully, withdrew his right hand, and paused. He breathed carefully, gripped himself in one hand, and nudged the head of his erection to Ray's asshole.

Ray relaxed his shoulders back into the mattress, holding his hips up, pressing himself against Renfield's cock. Renfield forced a long, slick, close passage into Ray's body. Ray was shaking beneath Renfield, one steady tremble. Renfield tried to breathe evenly.

Renfield had never done this, never been inside anyone, never entered another person's body, never been allowed such a position of power, domination, and trust. He was heady from the sight of Ray beneath him, opening for him. The feeling of Ray's hot body clenching and gripping his cock made reality swim and twist. He wanted Ray to like this, he wanted Ray to feel good about it, he didn't want to hurt or disappoint Ray in any way, ever, especially not now, especially when Ray had given him this moment, this opportunity, this gift.

And Ray had never done this either, had never been penetrated, had never allowed another person into this body. He was the first to enter Ray, he was the first to feel Ray like this, to see Ray like this, to be treated to the full experience of making love to Ray.

I'm making love to Ray.

It was a tremendous responsibility, like being honored with the red serge. It was quite possibly the most important trust he'd ever entered into - - being inside of Ray was making even the RCMP pale by comparison. Armed with the importance of his current position, Renfield decided to fulfill his duty to the best of his ability.

He remembered Ray saying something in their first evening of sexual activity together...

"Damn, Ren, you're so big and powerful, I can't believe you never topped. I bet you could fuck like a - - never mind, I won't go there."

Well, maybe they'd go there now. He was Constable Renfield Turnbull of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, and he was here to make love to Stanley Raymond Kowalski, and he was going to do it as best he could so that Ray would enjoy the experience.

Ray came so hard that he passed out.

Renfield decided, after a shocked moment, that Ray wasn't dead. Then Ray's eyelids fluttered and Ray looked up at him.

Ray grinned.

Renfield swallowed and remembered to pull his member from within the confines of Ray's body. He did so and saw a flicker of disappointment in Ray's eyes. "Ray, are you all right?"

"Never felt better." Ray stretched beneath him. "God, Ren, we're doing that twice a day if not more. Definitely more. I'll never be able to walk again, but I don't care."

"Are you hurt, Ray?"

"Don't you start," Ray warned. "I'm not having any of that guilt stuff you always try."

"Let me get a washcloth, Ray," Renfield said.

"Kiss me first."

Well, Renfield could hardly walk away from one of Ray's kisses, so he didn't get to that washcloth for some time.

In the morning, they spent so much time kissing again that they had to part quickly or Renfield, of all people, might not have been as punctual as always. Ray came to Renfield's apartment after work and they ate before settling on the sofa for some clothed kissing and mild groping. Ray finally moved to sit on a sofa cushion all by himself, trying to capture his breath. "We gotta talk, and it won't be pleasant."

"All right, Ray." Renfield tried to brace himself, but for what? Too many horrid possibilities tore through his mind for him to settle on one.

"I wanna talk about the thirty-two weightlifters you serviced."

"All right, Ray." My, that sounded admirably calm.

"They fucked you, you sucked them off. Some of them right there in the gym."

"Yes, Ray."

"Because you didn't care. You just let them use your body. Why? Why not say no?"

"I didn't feel that I had any right to deny them."

Silence. "Because they're better than you are."

"Yes, Ray."

"What makes them better?"

"I'm...innately inferior."

"Why? Because you're gay? They're gay, too. What makes you worthless?"

"I simply am, Ray. I always have been. I don't remember a time when I wasn't a pathetic loser, a disappointment-"

"Ren." Ray's hand on his arm jerked him around on the sofa to look at Ray. "What about me?"

"What about you, Ray?"

"Am I worthless?"

"No, Ray, you're everything."

Ray blinked at that, but carried on. "And here I am, spending my time with you, wanting to be here with you, wanting to know you, wanting to share my life with you. If I find you this interesting, if I want to be with you always and forever like some love poem, then there must be something about you, there must be something in you that I like. Ren, I know worthless pieces of shit. I've run across them in life. I met three up in Canada. You're no worthless piece of shit. You're Ren. I'm fucking in love with you; and Fraser, you should hear what he says about you. Ren, you can't let people treat you like shit. You're better than that. You're better than they are. Those thirty-two guys, they're bastards for not looking at you and realizing how absolutely wonderfully awesome you are. I can understand them wanting to fuck you, because I want to fuck you, too, but I want lots more than that, lots more. I don't know what they didn't see in you. Maybe it's just that you only let some people see it. Maybe you shouldn't hide yourself." Ray leaned his chest into Renfield's arm, putting his arm across Renfield's shoulders, feet behind him on the cushion. "I know you're just terrific, but I don't expect you to believe it, since you've invested yourself in this 'hey I'm worthless' idea. But maybe you could try to believe me. Fraser and I, we believe in you, and how could we both be wrong?"

"Ray, he knows about...my interludes with the men at the gym. Surely he-"

"Ren, come on. You two really need to talk. You're both wandering around thinking that you're all alone in the world, and all of this time you've both practically been in love with each other. Hey, you aren't in love with Fraser, are you? 'Cause if you two run off together, I am not going to be happy. Unless I'm asked to join you."

"Ray, you are prone to exaggeration."

"Which means that you don't believe me when I say that Fraser likes you. Do you believe that I like you?"

Renfield blushed. "Yes, Ray."

"You want a blow job on the sofa?"

"Oh, dear, Ray..." Renfield parted his lips for Ray's tongue.

The next day was Renfield's day off, but he was going to the Consulate. He'd gotten a mysterious phone call from Ray asking him to come to the Consulate at noon. He arrived at 11:55 and doffed his hat.

"Hey," Ray said, lounging in the entryway. "Come on."

"To where, Ray?"

"Fraser's office."

"Ray?"

"Come on, Constable Turnbull, can't keep Fraser waiting," Ray said. To keep from being pulled along by the hand, Renfield followed Ray back into Fraser's office. The Constable was seated at his desk and looked surprised to see them. Fraser rose. "Good afternoon, Ray, Renfield."

"Hey, Fraser," Ray said.

"Good afternoon, sir," Renfield said, looking fixedly over Fraser's head.

"You're off duty, Ren, no more sir," Ray said. "Let's all sit." They all sat. "So, Fraser, how's it going?"

"My day has been fine, Ray, and how has yours been?"

"Are you even going to ask me why Ren's here?"

"I assumed that you invited Renfield to see you, perhaps for lunch."

"Or a quickie in the Queen's bedroom."

"Renfield has more respect for the Queen than that, Ray," Fraser said.

"You and Vecchio never did it in the Consulate?"

"We certainly never desecrated the Queen's-"

"So you did it in here?" Ray asked, eyebrows raised. "While you were on duty?"

"Ray, adult men do possess some self-control."

"Oh, come on, I'll bet he was all over you all the time."

Renfield couldn't believe how easily Ray spoke with Fraser, as though the man weren't virtuous and untouchable and proper and rigid and-

"Ray. Surely you did not bring Renfield to my office to discuss my sexual behaviors."

"No, we'll save that for later. I'm here to play, whatchasay, encounter group. I think."

"Shall we break and reconvene when you've decided your purpose?" Fraser suggested.

"No, we shall not," Ray snapped. "Here are the basics. I'm Ray. Fraser is my unofficial working partner, my best friend, all that good stuff. Ren is my partner for other stuff, romance and sex and the rest of it. Fraser work partner, Ren life partner. I love Fraser. I'm in love with Ren. Fraser loves me back. Ren likes to fuck me. Are we clear so far?"

"Ray, really," Fraser said. "We're all well aware-"

"Okay," Ray interrupted, continuing his lecture. "Fraser and Ren seem to have a lack of communication. Apparently polite Mounties don't talk about anything besides 'hello, how was your day, get back to work.' Meanwhile everyone's suffering in silence and isolation, feeling unloved and unwanted and unnecessary. I want you two to talk. If you won't do it yourselves right here and right now, I'm going to tell you what you say about each other whether you like it or not. Somebody start talking. Ren, you go first."

"What shall I say, Ray?"

"Talk to me if you want. Tell me what you think of Fraser."

Renfield hesitated. He looked at Ray's left shoulder. "Constable Fraser is everything that I've longed to be. He is brilliant, brave, respected, admired, and handsome. He does no wrong. He has you. He's perfect. I admire him above all men. His single fault is preferring Detective Vecchio to you. In all other respects I find him to be flawless."

"So you idolize Fraser."

"Yes, Ray."

"Okay. Fraser?" Renfield kept staring at Ray's shoulder. He heard Fraser's quiet, "Yes, Ray." The Constable sounded different. Ray said, "Remember, now, Mounties don't lie, and neither do pyramids of virtue."

"Paragons of virtue, Ray, and I certainly am not one."

"Just tell him, Frase."

"Yes, Ray."

"You want me to leave?"

"That would not be in anyone's best interests, Ray."

"Hunh."

Fraser cracked his neck. Ray sat back. Renfield turned his head and watched the hat in his lap. "Renfield," Fraser began, and stopped. "It has come to my attention that you believe that I dislike you. That is entirely untruthful. I like you very much. Your dedication, your enthusiasm, and your generosity, have inspired me. I have at times had low periods, when my life has not gone as I might have wished. In those times I have followed your example and allowed you to remind me where I come from, what I believe in, what is good and right about my life and this world. I look to you for inspiration and refreshment, Renfield. I respect you. I admire you. As noted, you are quite possibly the only person less suited for this city than myself, yet you persevere with great heart. When I came to this city I clung to Ray Vecchio. I felt dreadfully alone. Yet at times I felt more at home with you, a fellow Canadian, a fellow Mountie, someone who shared my every ideal. I could not express my feelings, nor did I want to do so. I felt that as your superior it would be inappropriate. Also, I was fully enamored of Ray Vecchio, and I did not..."

"Shit," Ray said.

"Quite, Ray."

Renfield wasn't sure what they meant.

"Fraser, you shoulda told me."

"No, Ray."

"Tonight everybody comes to my apartment. Both of you, seven o'clock. No excuses."

They ate pizza while discussing work. Renfield avoided Fraser as best he could. Ray cut the meal short and forced everyone to the living room sofa. Renfield sat at one end, Fraser at the other end, a gulf between them. Ray sat on the coffee table, facing them, glaring at them.

"First of all, let's talk about Vecchio. We all know he isn't coming back. Let's be totally honest, no matter how it hurts. The guy's gone. Number one, he's dead. Number two, he can't get out of the Mob. Number three, he gets out and they kill him. Number four, he gets out and goes into hiding. There's no way he can come back here, no way he can ever be Ray Vecchio again. I don't know whether I'll be Vecchio permanently or maybe at some point I'll be back to Ray Kowalski, but the real Vecchio's gone for good. Now, Fraser, you were with Vecchio. Co-workers by day, bedfellows at night. At what point did you start getting hot over Ren?"

"Really, Ray."

"Tell me."

"I never allowed myself to become interested in Renfield. I kept myself from speculating on any possibilities in that area. I was committed to Ray. When Ray left, I honored my relationship. Recently, of course, you have become involved with Renfield yourself, which solved both of my problems at once."

"Killing two birds with one stone, okay, but how? Ren's unavailable so you aren't tempted or guilty over him, but what else?" Ray was suspicious.

"When Renfield became unavailable, so did you, Ray."

"So you really did want me to play Vecchio's role, the whole way."

"Surely you are aware that I never-"

"I know, I know, you aren't confusing me for him, I'm a totally different person, it has nothing to do with Vecchio, whatever. I got it, Fraser. You aren't like that."

"Thank you, Ray."

"So you pledged yourself to Vecchio, then he left, and you were left all alone lusting after me and Ren."

"Yes, Ray."

"So. You in love with Vecchio? Or did his cologne cloud your senses?"

"I have nothing but affection for Ray, and I will continue to worry for him and wish for only the best-"

"You in love with Vecchio?"

"No, Ray."

"So, before, the thing with your heart being with Vecchio and your soul being with Ren..."

"Perhaps I wanted it to be true. My soul is with Renfield. My heart..."

"I'll take good care of it, Frase."

"Thank you, Ray," Fraser said softly.

"This makes everything much more interesting," Ray said. "Ren, are you paying attention?"

"Yes, Ray."

"Look at me, then. Thanks. Hey, Fraser's in love with you."

"Ray-"

"So you weren't paying attention? 'Cause if you were, you must've heard what we just said. Don't you care? I mean, your flawless pyramid is pining for you. He's loved you all of this time."

Renfield wanted very much to kill them, to shut them up, to be away from here. Ray slid gracefully from the table to crouch before him, taking his hands. "Ren," Ray said. "Listen to me. I love you, okay, I wouldn't hurt you, not on purpose, never this bad. I know you think the world of Fraser, he's like heaven-"

"No, Ray, you're heaven to me."

"Okay, thanks, but you know what I'm saying. Let's start over. I'm in love with you and I know what Fraser means to you. I know that his opinion of you means everything. I would never tease you, mock you, or hurt you on this subject. So when I tell you that Fraser's in love with you, even if you don't believe yourself worthy of love, you know what I'm saying. I'm asking you, Ren, do you love me."

"Ray..."

"Ren." Ray reached up and kissed Renfield, mouth to mouth, flick of tongue. He looked into Renfield's eyes. "Are you in love with me?"

"Yes, Ray."

"Tell me."

"I'm in love with you, Ray."

Ray kissed Renfield again. "Love you too, Ren." He sat back on his heels. "Tell me, Ren, just between us, just tell me, are you in love with Fraser?"

"Ray, I would never... I love you terribly, I-"

"I know, Ren, it's okay. I don't doubt that you love me."

Renfield nodded and swallowed. "I'm in love with you, Ray."

Ray waited.

"I'm in love with...with...with Constable Fraser as well."

"You wanna run off with him and leave me?"

"No, Ray, never." Renfield looked stricken.

"You wanna ignore him and stay just with me?"

"Yes, please."

"What if you could have both of us? What if you could be with me and be with Fraser?"

"Ray, I find it terribly difficult to accept having you with me. Were I to be confronted with Constable Fraser as well, I might very well have a nervous breakdown."

"Ren, you know how you're in love with me and with Fraser? And Fraser's in love with me and with you? What if I'm in love with you and with Fraser, too?"

"Both of us?"

"Yeah."

"Not only him?"

"You, too." Ray kissed him again. "Both of you. If you don't run off with him, I won't either."

"You'd... You're in love with him and you want to be with me, too?"

"That's what I said. Listen when I talk for once. So now we're all in love with each other. Everybody loves everybody else. But d'ya notice something? Notice how you and I, we're together, and he's all alone?"

"Yes, Ray."

"You wanna go kiss him?"

"No, Ray." Renfield was emphatic. Ray was in his lap. Ray kissed him, licked his lips, brushed kisses over his chin, kissed his mouth again. "But, Ren, he's all lonely over there, and you're such good company, and I'll bet he kisses as well as he does everything else, and I'll bet he tastes good, and maybe he'll do that licking thing, do it to you, you could have Fraser's tongue all over your body, you could see what he looks like out of that uniform, you could have hot Mountie sex together, you could fuck Constable Fraser's proper ass."

"Ray!" Fraser exclaimed, blushing.

"He wants you to," Ray whispered, then breathed across Renfield's ear. "He wants you to make Mountie love to him. No degradation, no tears, no coercion, just pure Mountie love."

"Ray," Renfield said as Ray's teeth grazed his earlobe, "if you're interested in Mountie sex, why don't you make love to him?"

"But I can't, Ren, not until you do it first," Ray said.

"Why?"

"I don't want you to be jealous." Ray moved back, still on Renfield's lap. He ran a hand through his hair.

"Ray, the day that I do anything to Constable Fraser's proper... If you wait for me to kiss him first, you'll never get to do it yourself. I suggest that if you'd like to begin a sexual relationship with him, that you begin without me."

"But it's supposed to be the three of us. We're all supposed to be partners together."

"Perhaps you should begin a life of bigamy."

"You love me?"

"Yes, Ray."

"You love Fraser?"

"Yes, Ray."

"If I'm with him, you won't be jealous?"

"I'll be the happiest man alive if you won't leave me."

"You want me to be with him and with you."

"Yes, Ray."

"You'd be okay with me having sex with Fraser?"

"Yes, Ray."

"You wanna watch me having sex with Fraser?"

"Ray?"

"You wanna watch?" Ray grinned.

"Ray..."

"You want me to top or bottom?"

"Ray..." Renfield tried to recover his breath but couldn't as he found Ray's tongue in his mouth.

Ray sat back finally and repeated, "You want me to top or bottom?"

"Perhaps you should discuss this matter with Constable Fraser before asking me, Ray."

"Hey Constable Fraser," Ray said, and licked Renfield's jaw.

"Yes, Ray," came Fraser's voice from the other end of the sofa.

"Wanna make out with me?"

"Yes, Ray."

"Wanna have sex with me?"

"Yes, Ray."

"You want me to top or bottom?"

"I will let Renfield decide for us, Ray."

"See, Ren? It's all up to you." Ray kissed Renfield's mouth again.

"Do you think," Renfield asked Ray softly, "that he'd taste you?"

"Frase, you into the licking thing?"

"Yes, Ray. I'd like very much to taste you."

"Want him to give me a blow job, Ren?"

"Yes, please, Ray."

"Yeah, good, me too," Ray said, and sucked Renfield's tongue. "Ren."

"Yes, Ray."

"Carry me to the bed."

"Yes, Ray."

"Just follow Ren, Frase." Ray lost himself in another kiss and didn't surface until his back hit the bed. Even then he only gasped for breath before drawing Renfield over himself, onto the bed. Fraser watched them lie there and kiss, watched the flash and slide of their tongues, watched their hands stroking familiarly over their bodies. Finally Ray ended the kiss and said, "Mountie switch." Renfield kissed Ray's cheek and left the bed, sitting on the floor. Fraser took a moment to admire their kiss-red lips, their passion-flushed faces, their bulging flies, before he knelt astride Ray's thighs. "C'mere and kiss me, Frase, like we shoulda ages ago," Ray said, holding out one hand. Fraser took his hand and leaned down, pressing a gentle kiss to Ray's red lips. Ray sighed softly, lips parting slightly, one hand coming up lazily to stroke along the back of Fraser's neck. Slowly, patiently, they kissed, letting desire drug them to languor. Renfield watched with jealous fascination.

Ray really liked kissing, and Fraser really liked the way that Ray kissed, so they were there for some time. Then Fraser remembered that he was supposed to be tasting more than Ray's mouth, so he started to drift away, across Ray's cheeks, down Ray's neck, into new territories. Ray pushed Fraser back and soon Ray's T-shirt was gone. Fraser found all new fascinating terrain now. Renfield lived on memory, recalling the taste and texture of each inch of Ray as Fraser explored. Then Fraser shifted away to pull off Ray's lower garments, leaving Ray naked. Fraser investigated Ray's toes, arches, ankles, calves, knees, thighs, hips, pelvic bone. He glanced up to meet Ray's eyes; Ray winked and said, "Next time." Fraser smiled and dove in for the other heady treats: first balls, then cock. He fairly had to struggle to keep Ray pinned to the mattress. Renfield's mouth watered, jaw aching in sympathy. Ray kicked Fraser and came.

Ray panted, eyes closed. "God." He sat up and shook his head. "C'mere," and he kissed Fraser. He whispered, "You ever been deep throated?"

"No, Ray," Fraser said softly, blushing. Ray grinned and kissed him again. Between the two of them, they got Fraser undressed piece by piece, stopping for long, deep kisses. They moved to sit up by the head of the bed. Ray sat back against the headboard, stroking around between Fraser's naked thighs but not touching Fraser's eager erection. Ray opened one eye and snuck a peek at Renfield, who was watching them with wide eyes, flushed cheeks, and a fat arousal snug behind denim. Good. He licked across Fraser's mouth and breathed, "Turn around." Fraser turned, sitting back against Ray's chest. Ray stroked across Fraser's torso, hot agile hands feathering over Fraser within inches of that hard cock. Fraser, in sensual ecstasy, leaned back against Ray, head on Ray's shoulder, eyes half-closed, breath coming not as easily as usual, thighs falling open in silent invitation. Ray purposely closed his eyes, too, caressing Fraser's nipples, drawing a throaty sigh from Fraser, whose hands were running over thighs, on the verge of masturbation.

Masturbation proved unnecessary. A hot, wet tongue bathed Fraser's balls. Fraser groaned, thighs wide, back arching. The tongue ran up Fraser's dripping erection, then that mouth took Fraser's cock right in, right down, and Fraser was panting, and Fraser's cock was down Renfield's throat, and Renfield's nose was buried in Fraser's pubic hair, and Ray was absolutely watching now but Renfield was too far gone to care or notice, tongue lashing Fraser's cock. Renfield sucked down deep and hard; Fraser came in Ray's embrace, hips shoving the geyser down Renfield's throat.

Renfield backed away, realizing what he'd done, ashamed, horrified, waiting for the lash himself. He felt a hand on his chin; he allowed himself to be drawn up, eyes closed, and Ray kissed him, gentle and deep. The hands on his ribcage, however, supporting and caressing, were not Ray's. He'd know Ray's hands anywhere, and these were not they. The hands began to unbutton his shirt, push it back, tug up his T-shirt, rub over his nipples, stroke his abdomen, then dip down to rub over his erection through his jeans. He'd been hearing quiet murmurs of eager approval, and they weren't coming from Ray, who was humming around his tongue. His jeans were being opened, and he didn't want to think about that, not at all. His jeans and boxers were shoved down carefully over his hips, toward his knees, and his thighs were parted and stroked before those two warm, muscular hands moved right into his groin.

One of Ray's hands had been gone for some time. He'd assumed that it was on Fraser. Now, however, he realized exactly where on Fraser it was - - make that, in Fraser. Ray's hand came now to his groin, joining the first two, and Ray's hand was slick. Ray's hand spread the slickness over his erection before finding one of his hands and guiding it down, in, between two spread, muscular thighs that were not Ray's, beneath a cock and balls that were not Ray's, and into a slick, hot haven that also was not Ray's. The two hands that weren't Ray's guided his hips forward, down, close to that haven, and then...

Ray wasn't as strong, not being as muscular or as solid. Ray's entrance was a shade tighter, an interesting difference considering personalities. While Ray was mostly a lot of words during foreplay then quick shallow breathing during sex and orgasm, now Renfield heard moans, deep moans, heartfelt moans of most wonderful pleasure. His hands were clenched onto Ray's hips, his face was in Ray's neck, and his throbbing cock was buried deep in someone else, someone not Ray.

He came, he shot himself hard and deep, and then he slowly moved away. He was brought up for another kiss, and this time it wasn't from Ray. Ray was in fact wriggling from beneath them, and Fraser was laying down, and he was on top of Fraser, and he was kissing Fraser, and it was nothing like kissing Ray.

"Two lovers with oral fixations," he heard Ray say, sounding dreamily pleased. "I could totally exploit this." He raised his head to see Ray sitting by them on the bed. "Don't stop on my account," Ray told them.

Renfield turned his head and found himself looking into Fraser's eyes. Eye contact. Fraser's eyes. He was looking into Fraser's eyes, and Fraser was looking back at him.

"Ren," Ray said, "meet Ben."

"Ren," the man beneath him repeated softly, gazing up at him.

"Ben," Ren said.

"Good," Ray said. "Ben, Ren, and Ray."

"Oh dear," Ben said. "Ray..."

"You're hard again," Ren said. "Already."

"Well, I wouldn't be if you two weren't all sexy," Ray said defensively.

"Have you...?" Ben asked.

"Nope," Ray said. "Ren fucked me once, that's it. I wanted him to get used to fucking before I started doing it to him."

"Would you make love to me now, Ray?" Ren asked.

"Only if Ben licks you up real good while I locate the lube," Ray said. "I tossed it off onto the floor somewhere, so it'll take me awhile to find it. You two go ahead and have fun."

"Lick me?" Ren repeated, astonished. Ben rolled them over on the mattress. He'd never seen Ben's hair mussed. He'd never seen Ben look anything at all like this. He'd certainly never seen Ben's head down between his thighs. He turned his head, looking away, trying to catch his breath, and Ray came across the floor to kiss him.

"Ray Vecchio never had it so good," Ray murmured against his lips.

When Ray let him breathe again, he said, "No one ever has, Ray."

Ren was not a virgin. He'd bottomed for Drew, Alex, and about twenty of the thirty-four. But it'd never been like this. It'd never been anything like this.

He could feel Ray inside him, that hard fullness pistoning, the luxurious jolts to his prostate. He watched Ray, gazed up into Ray's eyes, feeling a connection. Ray was making love to him, not fucking his body. It made all of the difference in the world. Next time he'd help, next time he'd thrust up against Ray in return. But for now, this time, he just wanted to let Ray take complete control.

It was scary to be loved, not to be used. He was used to being used. He'd never been loved. But Ray loved him. And Ben, Ben loved him too.

Ray came inside him. He watched Ray come, wanted to memorize the look of it, Ray coming inside his body, Ray finding pleasure and satisfaction in him. Ray took a moment to shudder, then swept in for a kiss, tongues tangling, Ren rolling them over to press Ray back into the mattress. He knew that Ray liked it that way. It was new for him, and he was still trying to become adjusted to the fact that he was allowed to do these things, that he was allowed to kiss and touch Ray if he wanted, that Ray wanted him to take the initiative sometimes. Then he remembered Ben, and he cautiously, still in the kiss, reached out a hand, his left hand, knowing that Ben had been there a moment ago. A hand caught his, Ben's hand, and held it, then started to kiss it.

Ray broke the kiss. "It's Ben's turn next, Ren, then it's yours, and then I'm getting some sleep."

"Ray-" they protested.

"No, we're gonna be fair about this. I came first, then Ben, then Ren, then me again, so now it's Ben's turn. Lessee, who's done what? I'll get to give Ren a blow job, and...Ren, is it okay with you if Ben fucks me?"

Ren cast a glance to Ben, caught a quick glimpse of a broad chest and his fingers disappearing between red lips before he looked away. "Yes, Ray."

"Good." Ray kissed him again. "Just lie back and relax until it's time for your blow job. Wait. C'mere." Ray made Ren lean back against the headboard, then settled against him, lying back to his chest, supported between his thighs. Ren thus was given a wonderful vantage point to watch Ben make love to Ray while feeling Ray shudder and writhe. Ray and Ben took their time, it being their first night together, but finally Ray was stretched and lubed, lying with anticipation in Ren's arms. Ben made the entry thrust. Shocked blue eyes opened and looked straight at Ren. Apparently Ray felt as good to Ben as to Ren, which made Ren feel better; he'd worried that he'd exaggerated the ecstasy to himself. Here was validation, proof that Ray was, indeed, one exquisite fuck. Ben's eyes closed in a desperate search for self-control. Ren wondered if he'd looked anything like this when he'd made love to Ray, if he'd worn this agonized expression. Had he looked like this when he'd...when he'd...

Oh dear lord, he'd had sex with Constable Fraser.

This was no time to panic. Panic might dislodge the other two men, and he didn't want to disturb them. After all, if he disturbed them, they might stop what they were doing, and he wanted to watch.

How selfish he was.

Ray's fingers were digging into his thighs. He could feel, through Ray's body, each pound and thrust. Every time Ben stroked Ray's prostate, Ray jerked most enticingly. Ray was leaning back into him, Ray's thick hair against his jaw, Ray's back slick with sweat against his chest. Maybe this would never end. He didn't want it to end. He wanted this to go on forever, holding Ray, watching Ben.

He got to watch Ben come.

Then he got to watch Ray and Ben kiss. And kiss. And kiss. He thrilled to every second of it.

He'd kissed Constable Fraser.

"Ren?" Ray asked, ducking his head to end the kiss. "Ben, gimme a second." Ben blinked, rediscovering reality. Ray twisted around to sit facing Ren. "Ren, what's up?" He kissed Ren, just a little at first, then deeper. Ren held him close.

"It's okay," Ray said, kissing him. When he was lost in Ray, oblivious to anything but Ray against him and Ray in his mouth, Ray ducked down, licked his nipples, and then licked down lower. Ren clutched the headboard, eyes closed, thighs wide to offer himself to Ray. When he'd come, Ray was with him again, kissing his mouth, pressing against his body. He wanted to keep Ray there, not to let Ray go, not ever. Ray did stop kissing him, but relaxed against him, lounging against his chest. "So," Ray said. "We need showers. And I'll change the sheets. You're all sleeping here tonight. God, I'm still not used to having semen drip out my ass. What a weird feeling. Ben, you take the first shower." Ray leaned forward and kissed Ben, but Ren maintained his hold on the slim blonde. He hadn't raised his eyes to Ben since Ray'd turned to him, and he wouldn't start now. When Ben was gone, Ray relaxed against him again.

"Ren," Ray said, "it's okay. Tell me what's wrong. Is it me? Is it Ben?"

"I kissed him," Ren said, ashamed, eyes lowered.

"Didn't you want to kiss him? If you didn't want to, you didn't have to. I know that he wanted to, he started it."

"But I... I kissed him."

"Ren, tell me what's going on here. If you don't want him, you gotta tell me. If you want him, what's wrong? I know you love him, and he loves you, and if the two of you want to be together, you should be together. Like you and me, we love each other, so we're together, and nobody's hurt by it."

"Ray, I..."

"Yeah. I was watching. God, Ren, I looked down, and the look on his face, I swear to God he's never been fucked that good." Ray was still touching him. "Ren, if you don't want to be here, or if you don't want him here, tell me. We can figure this out. We can deal with it."

"I love you."

"Yeah, sweetie Ren, I know. Do you love Ben?"

"Yes, Ray."

"You can look at me when you say it. It's something to be proud of, loving him. So you love him."

"But I can't... I can't touch him, I can't look at him..."

"Why not?"

"Ray, he's..."

"He scares you?"

Ren nodded, ashamed.

"I don't scare you, do I?"

"No, Ray."

Ray kissed him. "Hey, Ben's back. That was quick. Ren, go take a shower, and don't come back with any clothes on." Ray pushed him from the bed. "I better change these sheets," he heard as he passed Ben and went to the bathroom. He closed his eyes and showered quickly, impersonally. That sweeping feeling of warmth and connectedness had abandoned him, had been too brief. Now he clung to Ray, confused and afraid, knowing only that Ray was safe and good.

He returned to the bedroom. Ben was stretched facedown, asleep, on the clean sheets. "Out like a light," Ray said. "Time to get me clean. Stay here and sleep," Ray ordered quietly, and kissed him, and danced off to the bathroom.

Ren watched Ben for a moment. Perfect perfect body, with one flaw: the scar, the wound, Ray Vecchio's bullet. Perfect perfect man, with one flaw: the scar, the wound, pain inflicted by others. Ben had been hurt, hurt by people, and it seemed that whoever got close to Ben caused Ben pain, and that pain changed Ben, made an exquisite undeniable flaw.

Ren laid down as far from Ben as possible, on one side, closed his eyes.

He woke briefly when Ray clambered over him and snuggled up between them. Ray settled down lying over Ben's shoulder. Then Ray pulled him over like a blanket, so he obliged, covering Ray's body with his own. Ray's bottom fit snugly into his groin, and he wrapped an arm around Ray's waist. Ray rested across Ben, eyes closed, and they slept.

When Ren awoke, he was on his back. Ray was plastered all over him. He opened his eyes to see Ben, dark hair tousled, lying to the side, blue eyes on fingers winding and tracing across Ray's back. Ben's eyes flickered toward his but didn't catch; Ben kissed Ray's shoulder and left the room entirely.

Ren gently removed Ray, leaving the bed. Ray gave a dissatisfied twitch and rolled over again. Ren and Ben maneuvered around each other silently in the small apartment, avoiding each other as best they could. They both had to get back to their own homes for their uniforms, so they had to leave. Once they were ready to go, Ren stepped back to the bed, Ben lingering in the living room. He put one knee on the mattress and stroked Ray's stomach. Ray gave a pleased sigh, blue eyes fluttering open. "Ren," Ray said, reaching up for a kiss. Good lord the man had one busy tongue in the morning, for such a languid body. His cock jumped behind his jeans, thickening in eager response. "You gotta go?" Ray asked, disappointed, kissing his mouth, stroking his jaw.

"Yes," Ren said.

"Where's Ben?" Ray asked, licking Ren's chin.

"In the next room."

Ray looked into his eyes. "Guess you gotta go put on your Mountie suit. Okay, you go ahead. I'll see you later," and Ray kissed him. He left Ray reluctantly. He closed the apartment door behind himself and kept walking rapidly, needing to get away to figure out what in the world he was doing.

Ben sat beside Ray and kissed him. "Good morning, Ray."

"You and Ren been fighting?"

"No, Ray."

"You and Ren been acknowledging each other's existence?"

"No, Ray."

"Damn it, Ben."

"I like it when you call me Ben."

"Me too. Besides, we're in bed together; seems sort of cold to use your last name. Now I have rhyming Mounties, Ben and Ren. You both hafta be at the Consulate today, you know. What're you gonna do, pretend like nothing happened?"

"I have taken my cue from Ren, Ray. He would prefer to avoid me."

"I'm real glad you're in love with me, Ben. I'm real glad I finally got to kiss you."

"As am I, Ray."

"Go on, you gotta get to work."

"You won't be late for work today, will you, Ray?"

"I got plenty of time. I'm just gonna lie here and think about how happy I am."

"You deserve to be happy, Ray."

"So do you and Ren. I just gotta work on convincing you both of that."

matthew@matthewtime.com
"Three" Part Four: Efficiency and Reverence
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