"Still"

Still

Rating: R

Pairing: AJ McLean/Chris Kirkpatrick

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys and *NSYNC are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

The music coming from inside JC’s house was coming through the sliding doors, a thickly pounding bass beat with a weirdly slithery guitar that was starting to make Chris’s skin crawl. Outside on the second floor back patio, Chris could still sense the sex radiating from inside the house.

He didn’t know why he’d come in the first place. Lance had been coming, and even though the five of them talked on the phone regularly, that wasn’t the same as seeing each other in person. So, when JC and Lance had asked him to come, he’d thought, hell, why not, and he’d shown up.

He’d never been to one of JC’s sex parties before. Now that he’d tried it, he was never going to do it again. Not that he minded having sex, but writhing around with a roomful of attractive strangers smearing edible body paint just wasn’t his thing. He was pretty sure that Lance only came to these parties to have a chance to get freaky with JC, anyway.

He’d given it the old college try, though. He’d been making out with a pretty blond girl, and he’d felt her up, and she’d squeezed the goods, and everything had been moving along nicely, when he’d felt something wet on the side of his face. He’d opened his eyes to see a guy kneeling beside the couch, a guy with a lascivious smile and red fingers.

Chris had looked around the room and taken in the sight of naked writhing painted bodies and felt distinctly out of place. He’d handed off the blonde girl to the red-fingered guy and left the room.

He wasn’t sure what his problem was. It wasn’t the being touched by a guy thing, because he’d been with men. Maybe it was the paint thing. Maybe he was getting too old for orgies.

He’d never been that guy. Orgy guy. Freaky sex guy. JC, absolutely, JC was the freak of the century. Joey enjoyed sex in all of its glorious forms. Justin was down for some kinky shit, and Lance was a little too open-minded. But Chris…

He loved sex, and he loved fun, but sex with a roomful of people didn’t feel right. He wasn’t as whole-heartedly enthusiastic about casual sex as he’d once been. Maybe he was getting old and boring, but casual sex was starting to feel empty.

He wondered when that had happened.

It wasn’t like he wanted to get married and settle down. The idea made him skittish; he wasn’t ready for that. But an actual relationship would be nice. Sex with someone he cared about. Sex with someone who might even care about him.

He’d turned into a boring adult. How predictable, and how pathetic. All of the cool kids were inside getting laid, and he was outside, making water balloons out of colored condoms.

Having pulled up a patio chair to the faucet on the side of the house, Chris had water balloons rolling at his feet and discarded condom wrappers littering the ground. He ripped open a new one with practiced ease and wondered if Lance had made his move on JC yet.

It sucked that the five of them didn’t see each other more. Although, since they’d used to spend seven days a week with each other for months on end, with barely a break, maybe his idea of how much time they should spend with each other was skewed.

If he wanted to spend more time with the guys, he could always go inside and - - hell, he couldn’t even think about it. Touching Lance or JC in the sex way would be like kissing his sister. Some things just were too weird and too wrong to contemplate.

Sighing, Chris tied off another balloon. If he had any sense, he’d go home. Although, now that he had all of this ammo, it would be a shame not to do anything with it. The thought of taking it inside and water bombing the orgy crossed his mind, but JC would get pissed off. Maybe he’d just attack cars.

The glass door slid open, and Chris looked up quickly. He’d assumed that he’d be safe on the balcony, because JC was too smart to let them move the orgy outside.

AJ stepped through the doors, letting them slide shut again, and Chris stared at him, wondering if those doors were a secret portal to another dimension. AJ glanced around and saw him, looking fifty percent surprised, twenty-five percent pleased, and twenty-five percent not happy at all.

Chris was kind of feeling the same way.

“Hi,” AJ said.

“I didn’t know you’d be here,” Chris said, keeping his voice calm as he filled another makeshift water balloon.

“I came with Howie,” AJ said.

Ah. The third leg of the JC-Lance-Howie triangle had arrived. There were enough complications there to make Chris’s head spin. “What are you doing out here?”

It occurred to Chris that he shouldn’t be able to tell without looking that AJ was shrugging. Yet, even with his gaze focused on the knot he was tying, he knew that AJ shrugged before answering his question. He swallowed, wondering when the tie that connected them would finally break.

“I thought that I’d give it a try, but it’s not my scene,” AJ said.

Chris’s mind clicked. JC hadn’t supplied his guests with anything other than condoms and body paint, but it was understood that if they wanted to bring their own…refreshments…they could. He looked up at AJ, unable to keep the concern from his eyes.

AJ looked both impatient and understanding. “I’m fine. You want to check my pockets and sample my urine, or can you take my word on it?”

“Sorry.” Chris turned his gaze back to the faucet again. While he choked back all of the inane things he wanted to say, his mind helpfully reminded him of how fucking good AJ looked in dark jeans and a black sleeveless shirt. Sunglasses on, of course, but nothing covering the black fuzz of his hair.

“Now that we know why I’m not joining the party, why are you out here?” AJ asked, walking over to brush one of the straying water balloons with the pointed toe of his boot, kicking it gently back in Chris’s direction.

AJ was getting too close. Chris felt his body twitching into awareness, memories firing up one after the other. Being with AJ had been the longest, roughest, best relationship of Chris’s life. No matter how many days or weeks or months or years passed, his body was still going to remember that. And so was his heart.

“Cheap, tawdry sex is passé,” Chris said. “You know how cutting-edge I am. I wouldn’t be caught dead in there.”

AJ’s laughter did funny things to Chris’s stomach. “Looks like you stayed there long enough to get your war paint,” AJ said. When AJ’s fingers brushed Chris’s cheek in an unexpected touch, a water balloon fell from Chris’s hand and broke, splattering Chris’s feet. His feet were naked, as were AJ’s, since everyone had been invited to take off at least one article of clothing upon entrance to the house.

One glance confirmed that AJ still had attractive feet.

AJ’s touch had withdrawn, and Chris realized that the moment was becoming too awkward. “I,” he said, sitting back in his chair and making himself look up at AJ. The night was dark but the balcony lights were bright and Chris was never going to be able to explain why AJ was the most gorgeous man he knew. “I was going to let them have their wicked way with me, but you know me. I’ve never liked sex.”

One eyebrow lifted as AJ’s lips quirked into a smile. “You’ve never liked sex?”

Chris didn’t know why his mouth kept saying stupid things. “Nope, not me.”

AJ reached for a chair, dragging it over and taking a seat, facing Chris. He was still smiling, and Chris’s heart was fluttering. “Then I’m sorry I put you through all of that agony.”

Chris was going to have himself lobotomized as soon as possible so he wouldn’t be able to put himself into these terrible situations anymore. He was face-to-face with his former lover two feet away from a sexual orgy, and the first thing he worked the conversation around to was their former sex life? “I wouldn’t call it agony,” Chris said. “Maybe discomfort.” Discomfort, mind-warping blood-boiling ecstasy, what was the difference? He’d never wanted anyone like he’d wanted AJ. He’d never, god…

“We had a pretty good thing going,” AJ said. He tapped his fingers on the arm of his chair. “While it lasted.”

“Yeah,” Chris agreed, forcing his gaze not to wander down to the spread of AJ’s thighs. “It didn’t totally suck.”

“How’s the new band doing?” AJ asked.

Now they were on the catching-up phase of the conversation. Chris wanted to go home. “We have some gigs lined up,” he said, flexing his foot to bounce his knee up and down. “How are you and the Boys doing?”

AJ smiled. “We have some gigs lined up.”

Pointless conversation: what a thrill. Chris started tapping his thumb against his thigh. He was still in love with AJ and he hadn’t known that and now that he knew it he wanted to go home. It wasn’t like he could ever get AJ back again. After this conversation, AJ was going to go back to his regularly scheduled life and never look back. They’d been together before, and it hadn’t worked. They weren’t right for each other, and they both knew that.

The lights went out.

JC’s idea of sex music was even louder in the dark silence.

“Do you want to talk inside?”

Chris couldn’t remember how to breathe correctly. The nervous motions of his foot and his hand both stopped at once. AJ wasn’t asking him, “Do you want to talk inside?” AJ was asking him, “Do you want to go in and fuck?” AJ’s voice was normal and AJ’s words were simple but Chris knew AJ, and despite the darkness and the sunglasses he knew that AJ’s eyes held a charming, casual, sexual invitation.

AJ wanted to have sex with him. AJ wasn’t going to be utterly crushed by a devastating blow if he said no, but AJ would be disappointed, because now that the possibility had arisen, AJ wanted to fuck him again.

Or, possibly, get fucked by him again.

Chris hesitated. Did AJ want them to have sex alone, or was AJ talking about going back in and joining the orgy? “It’s kind of crowded in there,” he said.

“We can find an empty room,” AJ said.

Chris hadn’t fucked AJ in a long time, but he wasn’t surprised that his body was heating up in immediate response to the idea. “Okay,” he said. “Better in there than out here.”

AJ chuckled, rising. Chris got up and followed him into the house. The rooms were dark, lit by softly glowing lamps that cast golden light over sinuously writhing bodies. The loud music covered most of the sex noises, but as Chris trailed AJ, he heard a distinctive, deep moan that could only have come from Lance.

“Go, Lance,” he murmured to himself.

“Go, Howie,” AJ corrected him, and opened a door. “Whoops, sorry,” he said, and closed it again. AJ looked at Chris with a tempting smile. “Want to join a lesbian four-way?”

“Maybe later,” Chris said.

AJ grinned and kept walking. Sex was all around them, the scent of it was in the air, and Chris was battling the urge to shove AJ against the nearest wall and go for it. He wanted to grind his hard-on against AJ’s dick and feel the muscles of AJ’s ass flexing in his hands and drown himself in some of that good deep-down mouth-to-mouth fucking that AJ called kissing.

AJ opened another door, flicking on the light. “Unoccupied,” he said, and led the way inside. Entering the bedroom, Chris locked the door.

AJ removed his sunglasses, dropping them on a nearby armchair.

Their eyes met.

Smiling, AJ stepped closer, backing Chris up until Chris was against the door and AJ was standing astride his thigh, so close Chris could feel him breathe. “You look good,” AJ said, and when his hand fitted itself to Chris’s cheek, his touch was gentle but his palm was hot. AJ’s gaze dropped to Chris’s mouth, his fingers curling in slowly, fingertips drawing down Chris’s cheek. “I’ve missed you like a motherfucker,” AJ whispered, and kissed him.

The first thing AJ was aware of was a touch, fingers on his abdomen, circling his navel. He remembered where he was, in JC’s house, with Chris.

With Chris.

The way those words, that idea, that fact, pulled at AJ’s heart was almost painful. He’d known that he wasn’t over Chris; he’d accepted that he’d never be over Chris. Chris was always going to be the one who got away. The one who’d always be on his mind. The one he’d always be in love with.

But he could handle that. He and Chris were never going to be together again, and he knew it. He could be in love with Chris and still find someone else, still go on with his life, still be happy and productive.

Then…last night. He’d entered a house full of temptations, full of the forbidden, and he’d walked away. But he hadn’t been able to walk away from Chris. He hadn’t been able to resist. Chris was one weakness he couldn’t overcome.

Seeing Chris again… Privately, and unexpectedly… AJ had been struck by how much had changed in their lives, and by how much hadn’t. Chris was still unique, still a little crazy, still willing to say anything at all to keep people at bay. Still dressing like he didn’t have money. Still staying true to himself and refusing to fake it. Still making him smile, still making him laugh. Still capable of using that humor and that harmlessness and that sarcasm and those smiles to draw him in, making him hot and making him hard before he realized his defenses were down. He was vulnerable to Chris in a way that he rarely allowed himself to be vulnerable to anyone.

When he’d kissed Chris last night… Even though their relationship was over, even though their days together were past, they could still create that fire. Maybe because Chris kissed like AJ’s mouth was the key to orgasm. Maybe because Chris managed to be both demanding and generous, bold and responsive, aggressive and appreciative. Maybe because Chris knew how to give AJ’s body what it craved like no one else did.

The way they’d taken each other… Being with Chris again, AJ’s body had felt a primal hunger, a need to claim, a need to fuck and possess. He’d made love to every inch of Chris with consuming desire, using every trick in the book to bring richly shattering pleasure. He’d needed to give Chris everything he could, for his own happiness. And, if this was his last chance to experience Chris’s body, he wanted Chris to leave knowing that what they’d once had hadn’t died. Not entirely.

In AJ, it thrived.

Curious, questing fingers slid between AJ’s thighs, stroking alongside his stirring erection, caressing behind his balls. “I know you’re awake.” Chris’s voice was soft and warm by his ear, aroused and amused. “What I don’t know,” fingers slid back farther, “is if you still like to be fucked before breakfast.”

AJ still liked to be fucked before breakfast. AJ still liked to give the longest blowjobs in recorded history. Getting head from AJ still made Chris lose his mind in the best way possible. AJ still liked to make Chris get in the shower with him.

Chris still found irrational enjoyment from getting fucked in the shower.

Clean and dry, Chris put his clothes back on, tracking AJ’s every movement, memorizing each line of bone and curve of muscle as AJ dressed. He didn’t want to say good-bye. He felt sick with dread at the knowledge that AJ was about to walk away. This hadn’t been a typical one-night stand. Not for him. There was too much history between them. Too much comfort and familiarity. They’d slept in each other’s arms like they’d never slept anywhere else.

AJ picked up his sunglasses, hooking them into a pocket.

Chris wanted to yell. He didn’t know what. No? Don’t go? I love you? You sick motherfucker, you own my heart, don’t you fucking see that?

With one hand on the doorknob, AJ looked at him.

“We shouldn’t walk out together,” Chris said. “There are still people out there.” He’d shown up the morning after JC’s parties before, and found naked bodies littering each room.

“If they’ve seen Howie and Lance and JC together, they won’t say anything about seeing us,” AJ said.

Fair point. Chris followed AJ out of the room. They made their way through the house, passing sprawled, sleeping naked people splashed with paint.

The paint was off of Chris’s cheek. AJ had licked it off. He’d nibbled a little. Chris tried not to think about it.

Stopping by the front door, AJ faced him.

Chris was going to let AJ go if it killed him. He wasn’t going to expose his heart and beg AJ to love him. He wasn’t going to humiliate himself and he wasn’t going to embarrass AJ. It had been a simple fuck between former lovers; AJ had wanted him, and now AJ had a life to get back to, and Chris wasn’t going to demand more.

AJ’s hand rose, fingers stroking Chris’s sideburn. AJ’s eyes were dark with desire. Chris was dying. He kissed AJ to make it stop.

Minutes later, when AJ gently forced him back, Chris realized that he was royally screwed. He didn’t let go of AJ because he couldn’t; still firmly planted inside AJ’s personal space, he lowered his head, looking down, trying to catch his breath. AJ’s hands slid supportively over his back, AJ’s lips leaving a soft kiss on his temple. “Chris,” AJ whispered, soft and rough.

He wasn’t going to be able to let go. Not with dignity; not at all. “I’m in love with you,” Chris said. His hands were on AJ’s waist; he grabbed fistfuls of the hem of AJ’s shirt, raising his head and looking defiantly into AJ’s eyes. “I’m in love with you, and you’d better do something about it, because you can’t just fuck me again after all of this time and walk out on me.”

AJ looked singularly stunned.

Chris held his breath, terrified inside but glaring at AJ outside. He was going on the offensive as a desperate play, but AJ had never liked demands. That, he remembered clearly.

“Chris.” AJ’s voice was scared and grateful; his embrace tightened as he lowered his forehead to Chris’s, eyes closing. “Jesus,” he whispered.

Chris held AJ as close as possible, soaking in every inch of AJ where their bodies were pressed against each other, not knowing what this meant but knowing that he was going to get what he could, while he could.

AJ’s eyes opened, dark and beautiful. “I’m in love with you.” The words were soft and thick with emotion. “I’ve been,” he slid his fingers into Chris’s hair and pressed a lingering kiss to Chris’s cheek, “so in love with you…”

Been so in - - Chris backed up an inch, staring at him. “You what?” He wanted to hit somebody. “Why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you - - it’s been years since - - we haven’t seen each other in months - - what the-”

“Three months,” AJ said. “Two days.” His kiss was slow and his tongue adored. “Come home with me.”

“My, god,” Chris slid his hands up over AJ’s chest and tried to recall words. AJ was kissing him again and he didn’t remember how he’d ever let that stop.

“Did you drive here?” AJ asked, firm hands guiding Chris’s hips forward.

Chris didn’t remember where “here” was. “I don’t care,” he said, trying to capture AJ’s tongue. Somehow, his hands had discovered that being under AJ’s shirt was even better than touching AJ through clothing. AJ’s body was lean, and warm, and mmm, muscular…

“I’ll drive,” AJ said, sounding oddly breathless.

“Okay,” Chris said, willing to agree to anything that AJ said as long as he could keep rocking his hard-on against AJ’s. Oh, oh, yeah, wait, god, Chris gripped at AJ for support as AJ’s hips started rolling and grinding.

“Let’s stay here,” AJ said, his voice dark with need, his hands grasping Chris’s ass. Chris groaned, kissing AJ with desperate hunger, driven by his body’s urges to fuck AJ against the door until he either died or came. “Let’s go…” AJ moaned roughly, grip tightening. “Upstairs,” AJ finished. “Fuck… Chris…” He caught Chris’s face in both hands, breaking their kiss. Chris found himself staring into his favorite pair of eyes. God, how had he not realized how much he was aching for AJ?

“Chris,” AJ said, to get his attention. “We can either go upstairs, to your house, or to my house.”

Chris wanted AJ, now. “Which one’s closest?”

AJ grabbed his hand. “This way.”

Chris let AJ pull him back up the stairs, holding onto AJ’s hand with both hands to keep himself from inappropriate touching. “Which room was it?” AJ asked impatiently.

Chris didn’t know and didn’t care. “You’re in love with me?”

AJ turned swiftly, backing him into the wall. “I’m in love with you.”

God, how had he ever thought that his life was complete without AJ’s passion? “I love you,” he said, and tugged AJ against his body, kissing AJ without regard for anything in the world but the pleasures of AJ’s mouth.

As the last guests left, JC walked through his house, checking for stragglers. Going into one of the guest rooms, he saw a light on in the bathroom. Stepping in, he saw words drawn in blue paint across the mirror.

JC-

Thanks for the party. We had a great time.

-CK & AJ

Smiling, JC flipped off the light. It had been a great party. The plan to reunite Chris and AJ had worked, and JC had two warm bodies waiting for him in his bed.

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