"Nocturnal Omissions"

Nocturnal Omissions

Rating: NC-17

Pairing: Justin Timberlake/Jacob Underwood

Disclaimer: The young men in this story are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Wherein you'll find a story almost titled "A Simple Transaction," "According to Script," and "A New Taste Sensation."

banner by Vanessa

Justin missed his grace, his quick feet. His arrogance, his quick tongue. He was never so much himself, and never so much a challenge - - to authority, to the status quo, to Justin's view of Justin's world - - as when he was talking, demanding, confronting. Determination and defiance in blue eyes.

He was a challenge to Justin. He said what he thought, be it flattering or not. His sense of self-respect, his sense of self-preservation, ensured that he not let Justin, his friend, his lover, get away with shit.

Oddly enough, as a result, Justin didn't attempt much shit. It wasn't worth his disgust. It wasn't worth losing his respect.

Justin missed the sex, too. His masculine young body. His simple, intimate kiss. The good humor in his eyes, in his smile, that told the world that there was more to him than attitude and confrontation.

Justin missed him.

"This is Justin."

"Stop calling me."

"What?"

"Stop calling me."

"Calling you? This is Justin. I haven't talked to you on the phone in-"

"You have been calling me all night. You're right, we haven't talked, because you never say anything. You just hang up."

"I am not calling you."

"I have caller ID, Justin."

"So? That just means-"

"That means that someone using your phone-"

"Oh my god, there's someone in my house. Someone in my house calling you from my phone."

"Someone in your house?"

"A stalker. A serial killer. In my house. Upstairs, calling you on my phone."

"Like in a horror film."

"Like in a horror film. But I'm not going after him. I'm going to stay right here. I'm safe. It's not me he wants. It's you. You're the one he's calling."

"Right. Why is he using your phone, again?"

"To set me up. To frame me. He isn't going to use his own phone, if you have caller ID."

"He could block me from getting his ID."

"I don't think he exists at all. You're making it up. You're making it all up. No one called you. You're calling me. You're harassing me."

"I am not harassing you, Justin. You-"

"You stop calling me."

"I'll stop calling you. Okay. I'll stop calling you, and you be on the lookout for the serial killer in your house."

"I'll do that."

"Good-bye."

An hour later:

"Hello."

"Do you like scary movies?"

"Justin, shut up."

Two days later:

"This is Justin."

"I'm just checking in to make sure you're alive. Freddy didn't come after you? Jason hasn't attacked?"

"No sign of them yet. But I'm not afraid."

"Okay. Long as you're still breathing."

"Still breathing."

"Bye."

A week later:

"This is Justin."

"The calls are coming from inside your house."

"What?"

"You have called me - - and said nothing - - five times tonight. Justin. You need a life."

"I think you need a life, if you're spending your evening answering the phone when nobody's on the other end."

"Someone is on the other end. You!"

"You're paranoid."

"Yeah, well, you're the one stalking me."

"I am not stalking you! I haven't seen you in weeks."

"Two and a half weeks."

"You're the one keeping count, not me. I don't even remember what color your eyes are anymore."

"Yours are blue. Dark blue."

"I know what color my eyes are."

"You haven't looked into them as much as I have."

"I've lived with them for twenty-one years."

"You haven't looked into them as much as I have."

Two minutes later:

"Hello."

"You said you weren't into playing games. You don't play games. You're straight-up, straightforward. And then you call me to tell you to stop calling you, you contact me, and you bring up shit that you said you didn't want anymore, and then you hang up on me."

"Shit I said I didn't want anymore? I said I didn't want it? Read the initials on your necklace. You're Justin Timberlake, and he's the one who said-"

"You agreed!"

"I agreed that as long as you and your ego didn't want me around, I wasn't sticking around. I agreed that I would not hang around asking you for more, manipulating you into-"

"You said that-"

"I said that if you wanted to get away from me, if you didn't want to be anything more than a casual business acquaintance, then that was what we'd be. I wasn't after you to be the boyfriend or the lover of the one and only Justin Randall Timberlake, and as long as all you wanted to be was the one and only Justin Randall Timberlake, I had no place with you."

"It was not about my ego or my fame. If there was anything, anything, it was that you couldn't stand being second-rate, third-class-"

"Compared to you, there is nothing second-rate about me."

Forty-five minutes later:

Justin pounded on the door to Jacob's apartment.

Jacob opened the door. "Justin."

Justin stopped short. No. No.

"Excuse me, there's..." Dan gestured vaguely. "I'll see you later."

"Stay," Jacob said to Dan. He looked at Justin. "Casual business acquaintance hours are over."

"Your career is over." He couldn't believe how harsh he sounded. He couldn't believe how powerful he sounded. He couldn't believe that he'd just said that. Fuck. Fuck.

"Because you're mad at me? You dumped me. I'm allowed to be bitter about it. It's only been two and a half weeks. I get to say shit about you. Do you expect me to be generous and flattering? I'm not that mature or that delusional. Or are you singlehandedly going to destroy my career because you think Dan's here for recreational purposes?"

Dan looked away, as though he weren't listening.

"Dan is my friend. More of a friend than you ever were to me. But no, he isn't here for sex. Not everyone runs out to get laid as soon as the bed's empty again. Don't you dare act so fucking betrayed to see me spending time at my home with my friend, when I know you've been screwing around since we broke up."

"How do you know what I've been doing?"

"Go home, Justin." Jacob closed the door in his face.

Justin didn't want to go to sleep. He sat on his bed and pretended to watch TV.

He knew Dan was bi. He knew Dan and Jacob had considered...becoming closer. But then he'd entered the picture, and Jacob and Dan had remained friends, nothing more. But now he was out of the picture. He'd walked out of it like...like a part of the picture could leave without making a difference. Like no one would ever know, or remember, that he'd been there.

Anyway, with Jacob single again, why wouldn't Dan make that move? And why wouldn't Jacob welcome it?

Jacob was right. Justin had been sexually active since their break-up. Why not? Was he supposed to remain faithful to the memory of their relationship indefinitely? Was there a prescribed mourning period? He wasn't with Jacob anymore, so he was free to be with anyone else he chose.

Not that anyone else was Jacob. But he wasn't expecting that right now. He wasn't looking for anyone special. He was just...having some fun. He was allowed to have fun. Life went on without Jacob, and he'd known that it would.

What had he been doing with Jacob in the first place?

Chris and Joey said that it was Jacob's nose. Chris and Joey were idiots.

Jacob was a wannabe rock star in a wannabe boy band. His moves and postures were rip-offs of Michael Jackson and AJ McLean. He was arrogant and he had no idea how to take care of his hair.

He was smart, loyal, creative, scrappy, sexy; he was a protector, a fighter. Jacob wasn't afraid to say what needed to be said. He stood up for himself and for others. He'd say what Justin, what anyone, needed to hear, whether it was pretty or not.

He was a challenge. He offered challenges. He wasn't testing people, not manipulating; but he wanted them to prove their worth. And once they did, he was on their side. For good.

Everyone had been in Orlando, and Joey'd had a party, and somebody had invited somebody who'd invited Dan, and Dan mentioned it to Trevor and Trevor wanted to go, and Dan wasn't going but Trevor didn't want to show up by himself...

Anyway, Justin had bumped into Jacob at the party, and they'd started talking, and Justin hadn't been with a guy in way too long, and Jacob seemed interested, so...

Justin knew his way around Joey's house, and he got Jacob into a bedroom. Okay, so it had been Joey's bedroom. They'd started kissing, and Jacob had been sexier than Justin had expected. Justin got on top of him, kissing him, wanting him, really wanting him, and their clothes were the hell in the way, and someone tried to come into the room. Justin had locked the door. It was Joey, and he wanted to get in.

They'd let Joey in, and not long after that Jacob disappeared, and when Justin got home, he had Jacob's bandanna in his pocket.

He hadn't been looking for anything special. He hadn't expected anything important. Meet someone at a party, get off, don't look back. There was nothing to look back for. But it hadn't gone according to script. He hadn't gotten off. And Jacob's bandanna was in his pocket.

A regular bandanna. Not specially-made or gem-studded.

Joey had already seen him with Jacob; Joey had interrupted them just when things were getting interesting. Justin used Joey's friend-of-a-friend connections and found out how to track down Jacob.

To return the bandanna, of course. A simple transaction.

Another party, another house. Justin had Joey be his advance team; Joey cleared a room seconds before Justin made his appearance. Justin showed up and made a beeline for Jacob. Did the ever-popular "Can I see you in private?" maneuver.

Everything that happened after that, from the moment the door closed and they were alone, to the moment Jacob walked out of Justin's house and didn't look back - - nothing to look back for - - was unexpected, unlooked-for, even unwanted, perfection. Maybe the fact that it had come unrequested was ultimately what set its doom. Justin hadn't wanted to fall in love. Justin hadn't wanted that kind of beauty. Not then. Not with...him.

Justin asked to see Jacob in private. He took Jacob to the room Joey had only just cleared for him.

When Jacob didn't have his bandanna in his hair, he had it tied around his wrist. That's where Justin had found it the first time. This time, when Jacob sat on the sofa, Justin stood over him. Took his hand, lifted his arm. Kissed the back of Jacob's hand. Tied the bandanna around Jacob's wrist and kissed the inside of that wrist, sensitive skin, tasting Jacob's pulse.

Justin put one knee on the sofa to bear his weight, leaning in closer to Jacob. He kissed Jacob. Jacob had a nice mouth, soft lips, little teeth, dangerous tongue. Jacob kissed him back. He braced one hand on the back of the sofa, putting his other hand to the back of Jacob's head, working through dense hair to touch Jacob's scalp. Jacob started to kiss him back more, not just a polite return of affection but a real kiss, good, deep, real. Justin wanted to come. Then he felt Jacob's hand on him, finally; Jacob's hand was on his hip, wanting him.

Jacob wasn't shy, and Jacob wasn't uncertain. He hadn't hesitated out of fear or embarrassment. He just liked to understand, to be sure, to read the situation, before committing himself. He was cautious.

Justin should have been cautious. He never should have... Damn it.

After that first party, there was no real reason for him to see Jacob again. But he'd wanted to return the bandanna. After that night at the second party, there was no real reason for him to see Jacob again. But he wanted more. More of Jacob. He'd gotten a taste. He wanted the real thing.

What he got was a whole hell of a lot more real than he'd expected.

The ironic thing? Maybe irony, maybe poetic justice, maybe an inscrutable sign from God. After Jacob left him, Justin found a bandanna that night when he changed the sheets. A red bandanna. Jacob's. It smelled like Jacob.

Justin still had it. He should return it, or throw it away. Sell it on the Net: Jacob Underwood's bandanna, found in Justin Timberlake's bed.

It'd sell for more if it had cum stains.

Justin tucked Jacob's dreads up under his hat. Jacob grinned at the mirror. Justin gave him bunny ears. Devil's horns. Jacob stepped back on Justin's foot and - - ahem - - accidentally elbowed him in the stomach, turning and leaving the bathroom.

Justin was used to guys with distinctive hair. He'd been there for every second of Chris's unfortunate choices. But Jacob was different. Chris had looked silly. Chris had looked wrong. Jacob looked like Jacob.

And when he had that hat on, Justin wanted to kiss his nose and drag him to bed.

Jacob found his keys. "After the shoot, we're all going to be at Erik's. Do you want to come?"

Jacob wouldn't invite him if it weren't safe for him to go. "Yeah, I'll stop by." If there was a likelihood of awkwardness or of being outed, they kept each other out of it. But if there was a genuine opportunity for them to be together, even just as friends, they went for it. Justin liked to spend time with Jacob, and he liked to see Jacob in public, with the rest of O-Town, with friends. As much as he enjoyed the time spent alone with Jacob, he also enjoyed the chance to see Jacob interact with other people. He got to learn more about who Jacob was that way.

"Ashley's girlfriend might show up."

Justin nodded. Okay. That meant that he was invited as a friend of Jacob, not as Jacob's significant other. Damn it. That shouldn't hurt. It was reality, and he was used to it.

Jacob didn't kiss him, didn't try to comfort him, didn't apologize. But he looked into Jacob's eyes, and what he saw there strengthened him more than any conciliatory gestures could have. Jacob knew it sucked just as much as he did. Jacob was as hurt and as pissed as he was. Jacob loved him, and Jacob didn't give a shit what Ashley's girlfriend thought. Jacob knew he was frustrated, and Jacob was frustrated, too. They were together in this.

A few days ago, Justin had taken Jacob to a private party at a club. Someone had tried to hook Justin up with a girl, right in front of Jacob. He was persistent, too. Justin kept trying to say no, politely, but the guy really wanted to set them up, and Jacob was right there, staying cool.

When Justin had been on his way home from that party, with Jacob, he'd tried to say something. To explain, maybe, but there was nothing he could explain that Jacob didn't already understand. To apologize, but he hadn't done anything wrong. But he wanted to say something, something to make up for their shitty situation.

He hadn't been able to think of anything to say. When they got back to his place, he felt uncomfortable. But it hadn't been the first time something like that had happened, and it wouldn't be the last. It was a fact of their circumstances. They were together, but almost no one knew that they were together, so people said things. Did things. And they had to live with it.

Jacob had said, "I kept picturing his reaction if you'd turned to me and said, 'Gosh, I don't know. Do you think I should go back to girls, or stay with you?'"

Justin had laughed. Jacob didn't need his reassurances. Jacob understood. Jacob knew that they were together, that they were united, even if the rest of the world didn't. Justin didn't have to worry about pampering Jacob's feelings or propping up Jacob's ego.

Now, remembering that, Justin kissed Jacob. To remind himself of their union. To feel physically what existed in other realms. "Is he still with Amber?"

"Yeah."

Justin smiled. Amber was so self-absorbed that she wouldn't notice if they had sex right in front of her.

"If you're going to start testing boundaries, you'd better stay home," Jacob said.

"Since when don't you like to test boundaries?" And since when could Jacob read his mind?

"Since I know where they are, and I have a healthy respect for the consequences of crossing them."

"My chances of getting a blowjob in Erik's bathroom are what, then?"

"Zero," Jacob said. "Unless you ask Amber."

"You need to learn how to act like a rock star. Semi-public sex is-"

"Semi-public sex is not my style."

"What is your style?"

A smile, a shrug. "You." Jacob kissed him.

Tension built in Justin's groin. "What are my chances of getting a blowjob in my bathroom?"

"After we leave Erik's-"

"Now."

Jacob grinned.

Justin prayed hard.

"I don't want to be late for the shoot," Jacob said, but he was walking towards the bathroom.

"So hurry," Justin said, catching up with him.

Kissing, kissing, his hands on Jacob's back, his hands on Jacob's ass. Pushed up against the sink, putting one hand back on it for support, giving a hot, startled gasp when Jacob's hand found his cock through his pants. Too much, too good. Jacob was undoing his fly, and then Jacob knelt, and Justin opened his eyes in time.

"No." He brushed away Jacob's fingers. "Leave the hat on."

Jacob smiled, almost chuckled, and generously obeyed.

Justin liked the hat. Justin liked Jacob. Justin liked oh god, loved, he loved Jacob's, oh, god, yes... Loved Jacob's mouth. Loved Jacob's fast tongue, loved Jacob's soft lips, loved Jacob's oh, Jacob...

That was all over. Justin was single. Living large, having fun. Friends, music, good times. He had a full, happy life to lead.

So he had an ex-boyfriend. So did Lance and JC. It wasn't all that different from having an ex-girlfriend. It wasn't like Jacob was the only guy he'd ever been with. Just the only one he'd ever had a relationship with. Relationship. That made it sound...

Okay, relationship. Yes. Committed, long-term, deep. Relatively. As committed, long-term, and deep as he could stand for it to be, before he shook Jacob off like a sudden chill.

They weren't good, long-term. They didn't make sense together.

Justin didn't make sense to himself, alone, anymore. Not without Jacob.

Justin and Jacob had been sitting on the couch together. Jacob's couch, Jacob's apartment. They were watching...something. A movie. A DVD Jacob had borrowed from Dan. Justin got distracted and started to sniff behind Jacob's ear. Up into Jacob's hairline. His hand burrowed in between Jacob's thighs, fingers curious and seeking.

"Whoa." Jacob sat up, twisted, tried to escape. He smacked at Justin's hands.

Justin moved his hands, reaching up under Jacob's shirt instead, kissing Jacob's cheek.

"What are you doing?" Jacob was patient. Slightly amused.

"Nothing. Lay back so I can feel your abs."

Jacob sighed and decided to humor Justin. He turned off the movie and settled down on his back on the couch.

Justin got on top of him. Pushed up his shirt and licked his skin. "You smell good."

"Thank you."

He licked down Jacob's treasure trail. Jacob shifted a little. Justin grinned and-

Over. It was over. It had happened; it had ended; it mattered only as a brief passage in a larger work. Jacob had been in Justin's life, and now he wasn't. And so what?

Jacob was who Justin used to be. Jacob was at a place in life Justin had already been and passed. He didn't have anything to offer Justin. What could he possibly have to offer Justin? Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing except hot sex, hot kisses, loyalty, friendship, insight, perspective, humor, honesty, understanding, and ideas at once cynical and fresh. Jacob was honest, direct, sexy, and utterly unique.

Sure, Jacob had manners. And sure, Jacob could be respectful. But Jacob was very capable of putting someone in his place, of telling someone off, of cutting right through the shit. Even with Justin. And nobody, nobody, did that to Justin Timberlake. But Jacob wasn't afraid.

Besides, his nose was cute.

His ass was even cuter.

Like Joey said, he had one hot little body.

"You want to lick my ass."

"You lick mine," Justin said.

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Yes. You lick mine."

"Yours is..."

"What?"

"Cleaner."

"Jacob, I'm not going deep-sea diving. I just want to...taste you." Jacob was about to laugh at him. "Shut up and roll over."

"Deep-sea diving?"

"Shut up and roll over or I'll use my fingers, too."

Jacob snickered.

"That's it. That's it, spread 'em. Come on." Justin pulled Jacob's thighs apart.

Jacob wasn't finished laughing.

Justin put his finger to the puckered muscle. He pressed gently.

No more laughter. Jacob frowned a little. It was his hmm, let's wait and see what comes next face. Cautious.

Justin had touched Jacob here before. He'd fucked Jacob more than once. But that had been back in the beginning. In the very beginning, when he'd thought that each time he saw Jacob would be the last time he saw Jacob. Since then, he hadn't really taken advantage of this source of pleasure. But he wanted to. He wanted to now. He wanted to touch Jacob, stroke Jacob inside and out, discover a new source of Jacob's beauty.

Tight. Jacob's muscles clenched around Justin's fingers. Justin's mouth watered. Justin's cock got hard. Justin bent his fingers and found that soft spot. Right there. He stroked. Gently.

Jacob inhaled, staring at the ceiling. Justin tried to hold Jacob's hips still. Jacob made this soft "uh uh unh" sound and froze, as though stopping time to absorb this feeling. Justin watched, mesmerized, still stroking him gently, secretly vowing never to stop.

If anyone or anything had interrupted that moment, Justin would have committed vengeful atrocities.

Jacob moved. He was encouraging Justin. He was rocking, thrusting, getting Justin to go a little faster.

Justin watched, open-mouthed. He could have drawn a line down the perfect arch of Jacob's body, Jacob's head tilted back with flushed cheeks and parted lips, Jacob's neck with a soft mark of Justin's earlier kiss, the curving bridge of Jacob's torso, small pink nipples, trim naked hips, Jacob's flawless erection rising from near-auburn curls, and Justin's fingers there, Justin's touch there, at the center of the pleasure, the focus of Jacob's fantasy, both tethering Jacob to reality and driving him away from it.

Tight muscle clenching, contracting. Hot. Justin wanted to fuck Jacob. Justin wanted to bury his dick deep inside Jacob's body. He wanted to feel that hot sheath gripping his cock. He wanted to be in there, throbbing, alive, aching, coming.

"Come on," Jacob said. Words. Real words, with meaning. Justin tried to listen. "Justin, come on."

Jacob was inviting him. Spreading for him, open for him, inviting him. Inside.

But he'd have to stop, stop touching Jacob, find a condom, put it on - - he'd lose the moment, he'd bring it to a halt. He couldn't.

"Come on," Jacob said. "Now."

Now. Right away. Without hesitation. Without a condom. But they always used condoms. Because Jacob was as clean as a virgin, but Justin had had considerably more partners than Jacob. Justin was tested, and Justin always used condoms, and, but, but...

Jacob trusted him. It wasn't a heat of the moment throwing caution to the winds thing. Not from Jacob. If Jacob wanted safety first, then damn the moment, damn losing momentum; one quick orgasm was not worth Jacob's health. Jacob would rather stop completely than take a risk, and Justin knew that. From experience. Hellish, frustrating, memorable experience.

Nobody ever said no to Justin Timberlake. No one. Except Jacob. And if Jacob said no, this time or any time, Justin would grit his teeth, swear, and stop.

But Jacob was saying now. Now. Get inside him now.

They always used condoms.

What would it be like to get inside Jacob without a-

Justin came. A flood of cum, a flood of embarrassment.

Jacob was laughing at him.

Justin took his hands away, stopped touching Jacob entirely, already longing for a return to hot tight muscle but embarrassed and proud and resentful.

Jacob sat up, kissed Justin, and rolled onto his stomach.

Justin touched the tight curve of Jacob's ass. All thoughts of his humiliation fled. He caressed the small of Jacob's back. He wanted to touch. He wanted to taste. Smooth, satin skin. Justin covered Jacob with his body. He kissed Jacob's spine. He licked a curving muscle. He pressed hot, wet kisses in a line down, down...

Justin was living his life. He wasn't going to hide at home just to avoid running into Jacob. He had no reason to hide. He'd gone out with Jacob, they'd broken up, end of drama.

He was at Joey's house, enjoying a party, talking and dancing and generally...partying, and he saw Jacob. He hadn't seen Jacob since he'd shown up at Jacob's house in the middle of the night, unannounced, to accuse Jacob of...who knew what.

Here Jacob was. Enjoying a party. Number one, enjoying a party at the home of Justin's best friend, where Justin was bound to make an appearance. Number two, acting casual and hanging out like he didn't care whom he saw, or who saw him.

Justin would play it cool. They were in public, and he couldn't afford rumors. He'd go over, say hi, tell Jacob to get lost, and end it.

Jacob had no right and no reason to be at that party. At Joey's party. Where he had to know Justin would be. In the situation where they'd first...met.

Justin moved through the crowd, greeting people as he passed. He made it to Jacob's side, offering a smile to the people Jacob was talking to. "I didn't know you were going to be here."

"Yeah, I'm dropping in," Jacob said. "How are you doing?"

"Good. Hey, as long as you're here, there's someone I want you to meet. Come on." He walked off, and Jacob followed him. They weaved through the party and-

Jacob put his hand on Justin's elbow. "Justin-"

Justin went into Joey's room, getting Jacob in too, closing the door. "Why are you here?"

"I was invited," Jacob said. He was near the door, looking pissed off. Like what right did Justin have to question him.

Fuck that; Justin had every right. "Who invited you?"

"Joey."

"Who?"

"Joey Fatone. This is his party, his house, his room. He invited me. It isn't your business where I go or why, and it isn't your job to oversee his guest list."

"Joey didn't invite you."

"He did. And I was having a good time until you showed up." Jacob left, slamming the door.

Shit! Fuck Joey and fuck Jacob and fuck Jacob's attitude. The guy didn't know when to go underground. What lack of shame, what monster balls, did Jacob have to show up at an *NSYNC party after Justin had dumped him? Justin went to find Joey. "Jacob's here."

"Yeah." Joey didn't seem at all disturbed by the news. In fact, it wasn't news at all.

"You invited him?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"He's a cool guy when he wants to be. He has balls. Gotta respect that."

"Joey!"

"What?"

"I broke up with him. I don't want to see him. Why are you asking him to be near me on purpose?"

"It's a party. I know you guys split. I thought you were totally over it."

"I am."

"Then what's the problem?"

"Nothing." Shit. He was over it. Over the break-up. Over Jacob.

The party sucked.

"It must be hard for you," he'd said to Jacob.

"What's hard?" Jacob, on his stomach on the bed, looked over his shoulder.

Justin sat on the foot of the bed, shrugging. He ate another spoonful of Froot Loops. "Living your life the way you want to, without outing yourself and risking losing it all."

Jacob pushed aside his book and rolled onto his back. "No harder for me than it is for you. Not only do we work twenty-four/seven/fifty-two, we're on tour, we're in the public eye-"

"Jacob, there are cameras tracking your every movement. You can't make a private phone call."

"You get used to it. You work around it."

"Work around it? You can't have a boyfriend when you're taping 'Making the Band.' What are you going to do, sneak around and risk getting caught? Or ask him to wait for you until the season's over? Or only be gay half of the year?"

"Anyone who's serious enough about me to be my boyfriend will understand my life. Anyone I'm serious enough about to have as a boyfriend, I'll respect."

Justin ate cereal.

Jacob's hand drifted down his chest as he watched the ceiling. He was wearing the jeans with the rip in the right knee. "If we're serious about each other, if we're really committed, maybe we could make it work. Or maybe we'd have to take a break from each other for a while. During the season. It isn't that different for you. Justin, you're in the public eye. Everyone watches everything you do, and then talks about it. You don't wake up every morning and strap on a mike, but it's not that different."

"That's why I never put myself in that situation."

"In what situation?"

Justin wanted to rewind time. Was he trying to start a fight?

Jacob sat up. "What?"

Maybe he was. "That's why I never got a boyfriend. I see guys casually, no witnesses, no emotions, nothing I can't deny."

"It's not worth getting caught," Jacob said for him.

That was it, exactly. That was his truth. Why was it painful to hear it from Jacob?

"How do you explain this?" Jacob asked.

"Us?" Justin asked. "Everything about my life right now is a departure from reality. I'm at home. I'm on vacation. We're not working. There are a lot of firsts for me."

"And when reality returns?"

Justin shrugged. "I guess I'll see what happens."

"I'm not going to turn into a girl."

"I hope not."

"When you get back to work? When I get back to work? When you're touring and I'm being taped for TV?"

"That's not for a while."

"Answer my question, Justin."

"What is your problem?"

"If you're planning to break up with me, don't put it off. Do it now. I'd rather have it now than later."

"You don't want to be with me?" That was the cue for Justin's partner to melt, give in, concede, back away from the fight, maybe even offer sex.

But Jacob never fell for the standard cues. "I don't want to get used to being with you, I don't want to get more attached than I already am, if you already know I'll be history."

Shit. Now Justin was going to have to go through with the argument, and watch his ass. Shit! Why did Jacob have to be such a, such a, such a... Such a real person with opinions and ideas. When Justin said "Jump," his partners were supposed to ask, "How high?" Jacob didn't ask; Jacob didn't jump; Jacob looked at him, waited, and asked, "Why?" And Justin was going to be damned-fucked-damned if he started jumping for Jacob. "I didn't say I was going to break up with you. We just got together."

"I'm not going to throw away my career to be your boyfriend. But I'm not going to break up with you just to protect my career."

"You can't have it both ways."

"The fuck I can't."

"Jacob-"

"No. It'll be hard and it'll hurt, but I'm not giving up either one. I wouldn't dump you just because people might start talking. If you like me enough to have me here now, you'd better like me enough to keep me around later. We're not stupid, Justin. We could make it work if we wanted to."

"We just started - - we're not getting married! Why are you making a big deal out of this? I didn't say I was breaking up with you."

"I want you to know where I stand."

"Now I know."

"Where do you stand?"

It was put up or shut up time. It was Justin's turn to lay out all the cards. It was Justin's turn to be strong, decisive, like Jacob. "I don't know."

Jacob didn't react to Justin's non-answer. Because Jacob was Jacob, but Jacob didn't expect everyone else to be Jacob. He did, however, continue the conversation - - as well as continue to get way too close to heretofore unspoken truths. "Even if you were going to get married, it wouldn't be to me."

"What?"

"I'm not Britney."

"If I wanted Britney, I'd still be with her."

"I'm not the girl you can take home to Mom. I'm not the girl you can take to 'Access Hollywood.'"

"I can take you to bed." Shit.

"Maybe that's the difference," Jacob said. "The difference between us. I can't take you out for a romantic dinner, and I hate it. You can't take me out to a romantic dinner, and you're relieved. The way things are, you get to have me, but you don't have to deal with any of the public responses. I can be your little secret, and you like it that way. Because if we could go out in public together, if we had that option, you'd never do it. You wouldn't be with me at all. I'm not good enough for Justin Timberlake."

Justin didn't know what to say.

Jacob was standing now, barechested in his jeans. "Maybe someday you can tell me what that's like. Being so far above everyone else that you can reject people out of hand."

"I didn't-"

"And then I'll tell you what it's like to be a human being."

Justin inhaled, exhaled, tried to relax. "I guess I fucked up. I acted stupid. I'm sorry. I was wrong. It was wrong of me to... I... I guess I screwed up." Shit. It wasn't working, it wouldn't work, shit.

He could apologize, sure. He was a good boy. He had manners. He had humility. He knew when he was wrong. But he'd never been this wrong, never gone this far, never had to apologize to someone like this, for something like this. It would be easier not to apologize at all, not to admit wrongdoing. It would be easier to go on with his life without apologies.

He hadn't called Jacob in two weeks. Not since he'd been at Jacob's apartment. That part of the mess was over. Everything was over. Apologizing would bring it up again, raise it from the dead. It would be best to leave it alone.

Jacob must have moved on by now. Moved far ahead. No doubt he was dating. Seeing someone. A guy? Jacob was getting laid. Jacob was having sex. Without Justin. With someone else.

The sex had been new. Different. It was the first time Justin had been with the same guy exclusively, repeatedly. It was the first time he'd been the official bottom. After the first few experimental rounds with Jacob, the roles were established. Justin was the bottom. Jacob was the top. Justin liked to be on the bottom. It was a relief, a thrill, to be put there as though it were the most natural thing in the world. And Jacob obviously was very comfortable in the opposite role.

Justin was used to heterosexual roles and perspectives. But being the sexual sub to Jacob's dom... There was no shame in it, no questions about it. It was the way things were.

He wanted to see Jacob again. He missed Jacob. He missed their friendship. He missed Jacob's smile, Jacob's companionship, Jacob's hands, Jacob's humor, and Jacob's natural confidence.

He wanted to watch Jacob dance.

He wanted Jacob's kiss.

He hadn't been on tour. Not. On. Tour. He hadn't been in the studio. He hadn't been working. He hadn't even been on a one-day mini-vacation. He'd been enjoying time off. Time off from work. Time off from his life.

Time off from his life. A break from reality. A self-indulgent opportunity to play hooky. Everyone else had a job, a schedule, responsibilities, agendas, pressures. Justin was chillin'. Full-time.

It wasn't real life. In real life, he had a twenty-five-hour day crammed with activities. Appearances and rehearsals and studio time and photo shoots and interviews and soundchecks and on, and on, and on. In real life, he had agents and managers and handlers and people telling him where to go, what to do, what to wear, how to act. In real life, he had people fixing his hair and powdering his nose. In real life, he couldn't turn on the TV without seeing himself.

But he'd been on a break from all of that. A vacation. Time off.

And Jacob was part of that break. Jacob was as unreal as everything else. In real life, Justin would never be with a guy. In real life, Justin would never be with someone from O-Town. In real life, Justin wouldn't spend hours exchanging kisses and ideas with Jacob Underwood.

But this wasn't real life. Justin could do whatever he wanted. Freedom.

Reality was going to return. He'd go back to work. Back to the real world. He'd have to set aside the fantasies. He'd have to say good-bye to the freedom.

But he wanted to keep Jacob. He wanted to take Jacob with him back to reality. If he could have only one thing, only one thing from this vacation, he wouldn't want the extra hours of sleep, the hanging out with friends, the visits home, the freedom of waking up and asking himself what he wanted to do that day. All he wanted was Jacob. He didn't want to leave Jacob behind. He wanted Jacob, smart-mouthed rebellious never-back-down Jacob, to be a part of his reality.

He wanted to explain that to Jacob, but he didn't want to sound airheaded or overly sentimental, so he didn't say anything.

Would Jacob fit into his reality? Jacob wasn't pretty and shiny. Not well-dressed or impressive or dazzling or any of the things that people were used to associating with Justin. Justin was a show-stopper, a scene-stealer. Jacob...wasn't.

Justin had choices. Enjoy the time off, then get back to reality. Try to fit Jacob into reality; get him to conform to the expectations of Justin's world. Or, keep Jacob and let reality screw itself. That last choice was unrealistic, but appealing.

Justin was bi. He didn't need a guy. He didn't need this particular guy. If he wanted to risk his career by messing around with a guy, at least it should be somebody like Usher.

But this time off...this break from reality...this fantasy... It was good to him. It was very, very good to him. It gave him Jacob. And Jacob was confident, decisive, fierce, graceful, sexy. Jacob kissed him and listened to him and said things that made him think. Jacob smiled at him and laughed at him and made his balls ache. A good ache. A very, very good ache.

Justin was living a reprieve from reality. It was like summer vacation. Jacob was his summer fantasy. And Jacob was so real...

It was hard to see Jacob as a fantasy. Whose fantasy would look like that? Act like that? He wasn't a supermodel and he wasn't friendly-sweet and he wasn't going to cater to Justin. Jacob didn't cater to anybody. But maybe that's why Justin liked him.

Justin had learned that the fantasies and dreams people came up with were never really what they wanted, in the end. Be careful what you wish for. Jacob was an unexpected fantasy, fantasy with a streak of reality, fantasy that wasn't fantastical at all. Maybe that's what made Jacob special. Jacob wasn't a pipe dream. Jacob was a person. A real person. And real people weren't glossy and perfect. Real people had bad hair days. Real people got pissed off. Real people had chipped nail polish.

He was not going to put his ego on the line. If Jacob wanted him, Jacob knew where to find him.

Besides, how would it look? To call Jacob up, ask if Jacob was seeing somebody. It would look like he was crawling back to Jacob, and that was not what he was doing. He just wondered. Was Jacob seeing someone? Was Jacob involved with someone?

If they met casually, in public, by accident, he could ask. But that wasn't likely to happen.

Unless they crossed paths at yet another party.

But that was getting old. And Justin wanted privacy.

Jacob had been laughing at something Justin had said. Somehow Justin's goofiness always teased laughter from Jacob's dry sense of humor. Jacob had been laughing, and Ashley had smiled at them across the room like "What are you two doing now?" Justin liked Jacob's friends. Especially Ashley, because Ashley was younger than he was. Younger! Now that was a nice change.

Jacob's friends knew that they were together, just like Justin's friends knew. "Friends," of course, meaning "the rest of the vocal group." But aside from seeing Jacob and Justin hanging out together, the guys hadn't witnessed anything.

That wasn't really fair. Everyone saw Ashley's girlfriend all over him. Of course, Jacob wasn't the type of person who initiated overt sexual displays. Still...

Justin slid closer to Jacob. In a low voice, he said, "I'm going to kiss you."

"Now?" Jacob asked.

"Now."

"Why?"

"It's time for your friends to see evidence."

"Evidence."

"Evidence that we're together. Pucker up."

Jacob stepped back. "These guys know enough about me without witnessing everything I do."

"Are you two coming back or can I have your pizza?" Erik asked.

"We're coming," Jacob said.

"Chicken," Justin whispered as Jacob passed him.

Jacob turned and looked at Justin.

"Chick...en," Justin repeated.

Another look. Then, "Trevor." Jacob was walking across the room. "Do you see something right here?"

"Where?" Trevor asked, getting up.

"Here." Jacob tilted his head to one side, holding his hair out of the way, exposing the side of his neck. The back of his neck. Behind his ear.

"Whoa, dude. Is that a hickey?" Trevor asked.

"Let me see," Erik said, climbing over Dan to look. "Damn, Jacob. You got any more of those?"

"No," Justin said, pulling Jacob away from them.

"I think I-"

Justin cut Jacob off. "No more," he told the guys. He pinched Jacob. "What was that?!"

"You wanted to give them evidence," Jacob said.

He still had that bandanna. The one he'd found in his bed. After Jacob left.

He'd asked. Two weeks after they'd first met at Joey's party. "Have you ever had a boyfriend?"

"No," Jacob had said. They'd been naked, sprawled out in Jacob's bed.

"Do you want one?"

Smile, shrug. "Depends."

"On?"

"On who it is."

"Me."

"You for a boyfriend?"

"Yeah."

"Maybe."

"Maybe?" That was not the correct answer.

"You're very cute and very sexy at the same time. You're nice. The sex is good."

"Good? That's it?"

"But I wouldn't have you for a boyfriend unless..."

"What?"

Jacob looked at him. "Would you be faithful?"

Right in the gut.

Jacob was waiting for an answer.

His one weakness. His one habit. With everyone else, it had been don't ask, don't tell. But Jacob was asking. And Jacob was serious.

Jacob was waiting for an answer.

"Yes." He'd be faithful. To Jacob. For Jacob.

Jacob smiled and looked away again. "Then maybe we should go out sometime."

Justin smiled. He scooted closer and put his chin on Jacob's shoulder. "Jacob."

"Justin."

"Would you be my boyfriend?"

"Now?"

"Now and for the foreseeable future."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes! Would you just give me an answer?"

"What would I get out of it?"

Justin pinched him.

"Ow! Okay, yes. I'll be your boyfriend."

Justin kissed him.

Jacob rolled over and put his arms around Justin. His naked foot ran up Justin's calf. His kiss was explicitly sexual. The scared, gravity-free feeling in Justin's stomach was being overriden by swiftly growing desire. Jacob's hand was on the back of his naked thigh.

He'd just committed himself. To this man. For the foreseeable future. He'd made a promise. He'd promised more than he'd ever been willing to promise anyone else. And he was going to keep that promise. He was going to honor this commitment. It wouldn't be easy. He'd be tempted and tested. No relationship was trouble-free. And he'd never had a boyfriend before. He'd never had a lover like this.

No one had asked him like that before. "Would you be faithful?" He wasn't faithful. It was part of his life. And whoever was his girlfriend at the time put up with it as long as she had the coveted role of Justin Timberlake's Girlfriend.

But Jacob had asked. No scene, no tears, no threats. A straightforward question. Jacob wanted a yes or a no, not explanations and excuses.

And Justin had said yes. Yes, he would be faithful. Sure, he'd told himself he'd be faithful, before. He'd made an effort here or there. But there was always the knowledge that he could have anyone he wanted, whenever he wanted, if he chose.

But if he wanted to be with Jacob, he'd have to make that change. Jacob didn't put up with shit. And that's what it was, shit. Jacob knew it, and Jacob knew him.

Jacob didn't put up with shit. Not even from him. Not even to stay in his bed.

"Hello."

"It's Justin. I want to drop something off at your place. Will you be home?"

"What do you have to drop off?"

"It's nothing."

"Yeah, I'll be here tonight. Come on by."

"Okay."

Jacob opened the door to his apartment. "Hi. Come on in."

Justin had figured it out. It was simple. Jacob was going to be polite and friendly as long as Justin did the same. Jacob wasn't going to be vicious unless provoked. That was a whole lot more mature than could be expected of other people.

It looked like Jacob was alone. Justin didn't see or hear anyone. Good. "How have you, uh, been?"

"Good. I've been good. You look good." Perfectly friendly, casual. No ulterior motives. It was refreshing to be around Jacob.

"Yeah, I'm good. Are you seeing somebody?" Justin asked.

"No," Jacob said.

"I brought this. I've had it, I thought you might want it back." Justin drew the red bandanna, washed and folded, from his back pocket.

"Oh, hey, thanks." Jacob reached for it. His fingers touched it.

Justin didn't let go. The two of them stood there, the square of soft, folded cloth between them.

Jacob was waiting.

Justin smiled.

Jacob stepped back, letting his fingers drop. "Whatever you want, I'm not interested."

Hurt and anger flared in Justin. No one said that to him. No one turned him down like that. Not him, not Justin Timberlake. Not anymore and never again. "You've been interested in me since-"

"Why did you come over here? Why are you really here? It's not the bandanna, you've had it for a month."

"Why do you think I came over here?"

"I don't know. I thought it was over. You stopped calling, I figured you had better ways to spend your time. I didn't think I'd see you again. Except for professional reasons. Since we're casual business acquaintances."

Jacob sounded bitter. Maybe he had a right to be bitter. "Stop with the casual business acquaintances - - you know what I meant by it."

"You meant you wanted me to get out of your bed and act like I was never in it."

"It wasn't just about sex."

"You didn't need me for friendship, Justin. You have plenty of friends. You didn't need me for love, because you didn't love me. You didn't need me for professional reasons, because we both know that little old Jacob from O-Town could never do a thing to help big bad Justin Timberlake. So it must have been for the sex."

"I never said I didn't love you."

"You never said that you did."

"I never said I didn't love you."

"You never said that you did."

He'd never said it to Jacob. It wasn't like he hadn't felt that way, inside. Jacob knew how he felt. He didn't know he had to say it. He didn't know that guys were supposed to say it to other guys. He'd never had a boyfriend before. He hadn't known.

Why did he have to say it? Why did he have to come out with it like that? Why couldn't Jacob ask? Girls asked. Jacob could have said, "Do you love me?" And then he would have answered. Or, Jacob could have said it. And then he could have responded.

Except, Jacob had said it. Twice. Once when they were in bed together, after sex, on their way to sleep. In bed, sort of talking, mostly resting. Jacob had been spooned up behind him, and Jacob's chin was on his shoulder, and Jacob said it, softly, near his ear. Very intimate.

By the time Justin figured out where his voice was, it was too late. Responding to "I love you" after too many minutes, that would have been worse than not saying anything at all. Or maybe it wouldn't have, but it had felt awkward. Anyway, Justin stayed quiet. And eventually, sleep came.

The second time Jacob said it, Justin was back in town after a trip to New York. He got home, and Jacob came over to see him, and Jacob hugged him and said, "I love you," and squeezed him, warm and friendly and loving, and then Jacob kissed him and asked him how he'd been. And that was it.

It was weird, Jacob's mixture of friend and lover. He could be cool, like they were hanging out, just guys, just friends, talking and doing whatever. It was like being with one of the guys. He even flirted sort of innocently. Not innocently. More like he was one step removed from the consequences of it. He didn't do blatant, sexual flirting, either.

One minute, he was a friend, a guy, a pal. A close friend, a partner. Justin would want him, but almost would wonder if he wasn't available. Which was ridiculous, because he was Justin's boyfriend. Or had been, then. Justin would test it, would see if Jacob was available or not.

And Jacob would be available. To him, for him, only him. And Jacob would be his lover.

With Jacob, the friendship came first. If they couldn't be friends, Jacob didn't want to be anything else. And Jacob felt things, had deeper emotions, but didn't wear them for the world to see. They were Jacob's and they were private, and they were to be shared only when the time was right.

Jacob could be affectionate. He was, without a doubt, protective. He'd loved Justin, and Justin had known it. Known it not because Jacob hung all over Justin, wanted to be seen with him, and talked about loving him all of the time. Known it because Jacob respected him, talked to him, and shared things with him. Shared thoughts, ideas, moments, memories, events, dreams, concerns. Jacob loved him as an equal. A partner.

He hadn't been Jacob's sex toy. He hadn't been Jacob's superstar boyfriend. He hadn't been Jacob's personal thrill. He'd been Jacob's friend, and Jacob's lover.

And Jacob had loved him.

It was different, this kind of break-up. Jacob was mad at him not because of something he'd done, or even because of something someone else had done. Jacob was mad at him because of something he hadn't done. Something he hadn't said.

They'd been in bed, and Jacob had said, "I love you." And he hadn't said anything.

Jacob had said it again, later. His second chance. And he hadn't said anything.

He should have said it. He could have. He just hadn't.

Jacob couldn't be serious. "...it must have been for the sex." They hadn't been together for sex. Justin hadn't been with him for sex. Jacob knew that. He was just being a jerk.

Justin was not going to crawl back to Jacob and beg for forgiveness. He was not going to explain, plead, and profess his love. He'd dumped Jacob. They'd broken up. It was over. Now that Jacob had given him a clue how to fix things, was Jacob expecting him to return? He sure wasn't going to. Jacob could wait forfuckingever.

Their relationship had not been about sex. But god damn, the sex had been good. God, Justin wanted Jacob. He'd been so good, and they'd been so hot... Justin missed the sex. Missed Jacob's body. Missed Jacob's kiss, Jacob's touch.

Justin had had sex since Jacob. More than once. With more than one person. It just wasn't the same. It wasn't as hot. The need wasn't as great. He had to create the itch, then scratch it.

"This is Justin."

"Is something wrong with your phone?"

"Why?"

"I've been getting calls from you all night."

"Yeah, I'm going to have that checked out. My phone automatically dials your number on its own."

"All by itself?"

"Yeah. I think it misses your phone. They used to spend a lot of time together. Maybe it misses the sound of your voice. My phone used to hear you all the time."

"I think I know what you mean."

"It misses your answering machine, too."

"Yeah, I got the hang-ups. Tell it to leave a message next time."

"Okay. I will."

"Okay. Bye. Good-bye, Justin's phone."