Man, this is so stupid.  No phone calls.  No e-mail.  Making me sit down with this lousy ass piece of paper.  What are you, a girl or something?  Making me write you letters.

        Yeah, you go ahead and whip it out, prove you're no girl.

        If you think I'm going to write to you, you can forget it.  This is the only letter you're getting from me.

        -Nick

        You know that I have a dick. So do not imagine that I'm a girl.

         It's scary.

        Writing letters is fun. At least to me.

        You have to write to me.

        This is a rule.

        -Brian

        Pick up the damned phone!

        -Nick

        I tried.

        But my mind told me not to.

        -Brian

        I'm not writing to you.  You either answer the phone or I'll send a freaking singing telegram.

        And I'll hire one of the Sink Boys to sing it.

        -Nick

        I dare you.

        -Brian

        Hope you enjoyed your Chris K. serenade.

        -Nick

        Well, I did. But the ambulance was here 15 minutes later.

        Want to know why?

        -Brian

        Pick up the the goddamned motherfucking telephone or I'll

        -Nick

        You will what?

        -Brian

        Okay.  You want to play it your way?  We can play it your way.

        Ahem.

        Brian, darling, how have you been?  The weather's lovely here.  I hope that you're having a wonderful grand old time.

        You lousy motherfucker.

        I'd spray this with perfume or something, if I were a girl.  I guess cologne would work, but you took the good stuff with you.

        Maybe I'll just piss on it.

        -Nick

        The letter doesn't smell. Why?

        And have your eyes checked.

        It's in the fucking drawer. I never took it away.

        Oh and sweetie, the rainbow here is much more beautiful than the one I see back there. I wonder why and I am living like a king now.

        Fucker.

        -Brian

        I miss you.

        -Frack

        I hate you.

        -Brok

        Remind me never to write when I'm drunk.

        -Nick

        Shit.

        I take that back.

        -Brian

        Kevin is pissing me off.  He's the biggest bastard in the world sometimes.  Please tell me you're not really related to him.
Maybe his folks just picked him up by the side of the road.  He's really an alien bastard son masquerading as a human being.  But you can tell he's inhuman because he has no fucking emotions or feelings or anything, just a stick up his ass.

        Maybe he doesn't even have an asshole.

        Let me go rip him one.

        I miss your ass.

        -Nick

        Kevin's already an asshole.

        He doesn't need one.

        I miss your ass too.

        -Brian

        I meant that more than one way.

        -Nick

        I knew it.

        You horny bastard.

        -Brian

        I guess you have me writing to you after all.  There's nobody here to talk to.  Kevin's an asshole, AJ's doing his own thing, and you know about Howie.  All of my other friends are losers.  And my family's all about Aaron now.

        When are you coming back?

        -Nick

        You finally realized it?

        Do you know I am sitting on my ass here writing this and not sending it?

        Forget it.

        -Brian

        Kevin hit me.

        I wasn't going to tell you.

        This photographer got a shot of the bruise.  I can't wait to see that picture all over the place.  AJ said you'd probably see it, so I should tell you.  But you'll see it before this letter gets to you anyway.

        It looks worse than it is.

        -Nick

        That SON OF A BITCH.

        -Brian

        It wasn't hard or anything.

        And he's really sorry.

        -Nick

        I am sending his sorry ass to eternity soon.

        Or maybe not.

        I will just talk to him.

        -Brian

        If I jerk off one more time, my dick is going to bleed.

        You do know that's me calling you every night, right?

        -Nick

        I heard you.

        -Brian

        You wanted me to write to you.  I'm writing to you.

        Don't think that I'm whipped or anything.

        You're okay, right?

        Things are kind of a mess here.

        I think we need you.  We're driving each other nuts.  The balance is off or something without you.

        That was kind of a metaphor, wasn't it?

        -Nick

        When big words are coming out of you, I know that there is a problem.

        -Brian

        Does metaphor mean what I think it means?

        When are you coming back?

        Should I start seeing other people?

        -Nick

        Should I hire a professional killer and have him kill every fucking asshole that is around you?

        -Brian

        I didn't mean that.

        -Nick

        You'd better not.

        -Brian

        Maybe I did.

        -Nick

        Where's the fucking contact number of that killer?

        Fuck it.

        -Brian

        I went out tonight.  Met a hot guy.  Got laid.

        Jealous?

        -Nick

        STOP LYING THROUGH YOUR GODDAMNED TEETH!

        -Brian

        Are you a crueller motherfucker than I am?

        Yes.  You are.  Because you know I'm full of shit.  You're the one running off and disappearing, but first you lay down all of these rules like you're God or something, about what I can and can't do.

        Fuck you.

        Screw you.

        Answer the goddamned phone.

        -Nick

        Fuck you back. Stop putting words in my mouth. I did not fucking lay down any goddamn rules.

        Maybe I did.

        Sorry.

        S-O-R-R-Y.

        -Brian

        Your cousin's a royal bitch weasel.

        I hate him.

        -Nick

        Tell me more?

        Fuck him.

        -Brian

        I'm going to kill Kevin.

        Then I'm going to bring him back from the dead just so I can kill him again.

        I don't even care if I go to jail for it.

        -President and Founder of the Kevin-Hater Fan Club

        I'm going to sit here and watch the news.

        If anyone fucking throws you into jail, he is going to kiss his ass goodbye.

        -Owner of Nick's Ass

        I hope only that jaw is hereditary.

        If you turn out like him, I'm dumping you.

        -Leader of the Kevin Death Squad

        We are not related.

        I swear.

        -The person who started the "The Bastard's Not My Cousin" campaign

        You're talking to him?!

        You motherfucking traitor bastard!

        You talk to him and not to me?

        I call and you know it's me, I know you know it's me you lousy motherfucker, and you don't talk to me, that'd be against these bastard-ass rules!  But you talk to him?!

        Why the hell are you talking to him and not to me?!

        Son of a bitch.

        -Nick

        STOP USING ALL THE FUCKING SWEAR WORDS AT ME.

        I talk to him because of you. YOU.

        But I am not answering your call. And I am not fucking sending this to you.

        And you have no idea why.

        Fuck me.

        Fuck everything.

        -Brian

        You know I know you hate it when I swear, right?

        Because we both know it turns you on.

        -Nick

        Shut up.

        You can't be right.

        Bullshit.

        -Brian

        I know what else turns you on.

        I know all about it.

        I know everything about you.

        -Nick

        You got into my brain?

        -Brian

        Did that last letter sound like I'm a stalker?

        Maybe I am.

        Fuck it.

        -Nick

        You do.

        It's scary.

        I crushed it at once.

        -Brian

        What did you do to him?!

        He's being so fucking nice to me it's scary.  If he smiles at me one more time, I'm going to smack him.

        And he apologized.  Like he meant it.  Like he really meant it.

        You must have said something.  Put the fear of God into him or something.

        The fear of Brian?

        Is that why you were talking to him?

        -Nick

        If I told you I went into his fucked-up brain system and re-connected all the wires, would you believe me?

        -Brian

        You are coming home soon, right?

        -Nick

        Did you hire anyone to come steal my belongings?

        Are my clothes growing legs and walk home by themselves?

        If not, then why the hell are they disappearing?

        -Brian

        Kevin's being nice.  Make him stop it.

        I miss you.

        I want to fuck you.

        -Nick

        If you want to. But he's been an asshole all the while.

        I want to. Make love. To you.

        -Brian

        Write to me.  If I'm writing to you, you have to write to me.
 

        You made the rules.  At least follow them, for fuck's sake.

        -Nick

        I am. I am writing.

        But you're not going to receive it.

        -Brian

        WRITE TO ME.

        -Nick

        Don't make me cry.

        -Brian

        Your line was busy all last night.  Who are you talking to?

        If you have a new boyfriend, I'm going to cut off his balls.

        And yours.

        -Nick

        But you love my balls.

        -Brian

        I know you don't have a new boyfriend.

        You have me.

        You'll never want anyone else.

        Stop laughing.

        -Nick

        You're scaring me.

        You do have access to my brain.

        -Brian

        I'm so freaking bored.

        At least with you around, things are interesting.

        And if they're not, we can play basketball or have sex.

        I like sex.

        -Nick

        P. S. Write to me.

        It doesn't get any interesting down here writing letters to you and not sending it.

        -Brian

        P. S. Don't p/s.

        You like sex.

        -Nick

        P. S. Write to me.

        I. LOVE. Sex.

        -Brian

        P/s: Stop p/s-ing.

        I'm bored and I'm mad at you.  Kevin and AJ and Howie are bastards.  I'm horny as hell and I don't know when I'll ever get laid again because you've fallen off of the face of the fucking earth.

        Do you want me to hate you?

        -Nick

        P. S. Write to me.

        No.

        No.

        No.

        Don't. Do not.

        -Brian

        P/s: Stop p/s-ing for hell's sake.

        We have a fucked-up relationship.

        Thought you should know.

        -Nick

        P. S. Write to me.

        It is.

        From the very beginning.

        I'm sorry.

        -Brian

        P/s: I gave up.

        Fucked up.

        But it's the best thing that's happened to me.

        Thought you should know that, too.

        But I think you already do.

        -Nick

        Fuck.

        It's official. You got my brain.

        -Brian

        Fuck it.

        I gave up.

        Fucking gave up.

        I am sending this.

        I love you.

        -Brian