Vanessa
Copyright June 10-18, 2003 by Matthew Haldeman-Time
Rating: NC-17 for male-male sex
Pairings: Brian Littrell/Nick Carter, AJ McLean/Orlando Bloom
Disclaimer: Orlando Bloom and the young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.
Wherein tattoos are discussed, AJ's allowed to kiss Kevin as often as he wants, and Brian reminisces about shampoo bottles.
Notice: The title word, leben, is Elvish for “five.” (The Sindarin Dictionary)
“Hey.” Nick came out from the house, pulling a chair over beside him, taking a seat. “What’s up?”
“Are you early?” AJ asked, checking his watch. Shit.
“Am I ever?” Nick asked. “Your boyfriend let me in.”
“I’m not even close to being ready.”
“No rush,” Nick said. Typical Nick, risking Kevin’s wrath and completely unconcerned about it. “You know there are a bunch of happy short people bouncing around in your living room.”
“The hobbits are in town,” AJ said.
“I figured.”
AJ stood, gathering his stuff. “I’m actually glad we’re meeting tonight. It gives them time together, without me running up in the middle of it.”
“It is your house,” Nick said.
“It’s our house,” AJ corrected him. “Call Kevin and tell him we’ll be late.”
“Yeah, right.” Nick followed him back into the house and to the bedroom.
“He’ll get madder if we’re late without calling, than if we just call and let him know,” AJ said.
“You call him,” Nick said, like they were seven years old.
AJ started stripping out of his clothes. “Call Howie, then.”
“You don’t have time for a shower.”
“There’s always time to make yourself look good,” AJ said, and went into the bathroom. “Call Howie.”
Nick rolled his eyes, pulled out his cell phone, and called Brian.
“Brian’s phone.”
“Hey, Frickface.”
“Hey, Nick. What’s going on?”
“I came over to pick up AJ, and he’s not ready yet.”
“How not ready yet?”
“Just started the shower.”
Brian laughed. “You think if we start with appetizers, you’ll be here before we finish dessert?”
“You can’t eat without us,” Nick said, offended.
“Kevin wants to talk to you.”
“I’m not here,” Nick said.
“Then who’s calling me?” Brian asked.
“Nobody gottago loveyou bye.” Nick hung up, putting his phone back in his pocket.
Orlando came in. “Hey.”
“Hey,” Nick said, wondering if he should excuse himself, since he was standing in Orlando’s bedroom, and the guy might need to change clothes or something. It was weird to think of it as Orlando’s bedroom, Orlando’s house, AJ and Orlando’s bedroom, AJ and Orlando’s house. It had all just been AJ’s, before.
Orlando pulled his shirt off over his head and walked into the closet.
Okay, so he was changing clothes. Nick hadn’t actually expected him to, for real. Nick backed towards the door a few steps.
Orlando came back, tossing a shirt on the bed. AJ obviously wasn’t with him for his fashion sense. It was kind of cool, though, that AJ didn’t seem to mind that Orlando couldn’t dress.
Nick’s phone rang. He checked. Kevin. Not answering.
Orlando cocked an eyebrow at him.
Kevin was going to keep calling until he got an answer. Thinking fast, Nick handed the phone to Orlando. “It’s for you.”
Amused, Orlando said, “Hello? Yeah, this is Orlando. No, he’s a bit tied up at the moment. Right. All right. Cheers.” He hung up and gave the phone back to Nick with a smile. “Kevin wants you to know that he’s operating on Eastern Standard Time, and seven o’clock means seven o’clock, so get your ass in gear.”
“Thanks.” Nick’s gaze snagged on a mark on Orlando’s arm. “What is that?”
Orlando showed him the tattoo and said a word Nick didn’t know. “It’s Elvish for nine.”
“Elvish,” Nick said. “Cool. Nine?”
“For the nine members of the Fellowship,” Orlando said. “We all got one.”
“Really?” Nick asked. “All of you?”
“Yeah.” Orlando was smiling, like he was proud, like it was important to him.
“Orlando!” somebody yelled from another room.
Orlando rolled his eyes, switching gears. “No patience.” He slid into his shirt. “See you later, yeah?”
“Oh, yeah,” Nick said. “Have fun with the, uh, hobbits.”
Orlando laughed. “Have fun with the Boys.”
The water stopped, and AJ came out of the shower. “Hey. You going?”
“Yeah,” Orlando said. They met in the bathroom doorway, sharing a brief kiss, Orlando’s hand skimming over AJ’s naked hip, fingers lingering on AJ’s ass. “Be safe,” Orlando said.
“Always,” AJ said. Nick had to respect Orlando for that; he made it a point to support AJ, let AJ know it was important to him that AJ stayed healthy. He’d been the one to get AJ to rename Jack Daniels, although AJ had to have the only dog around that answered to Gamgee. “If you want to stay out with them, or if they want to spend the night, either way,” AJ said.
Another kiss. “I’ll call you.” A kiss to AJ’s cheek. “Bye, Nick.”
“Bye,” Nick said. Orlando jogged off.
AJ started drying himself off. “Why does he make you nervous?”
“He doesn’t,” Nick said. He sat on the foot of the bed. “I’m not always sure what to say to him.”
“Say whatever you want,” AJ said. “Is it because he’s gay? Because he’s English? Because he’s prettier than you are?”
Nick gave AJ a look. “It’s nothing.”
“Okay.” AJ wrapped the towel around his hips and went to the closet.
“It’s because he’s important to you. You’re serious about him.”
“I’ve been serious about people before.”
“Yeah, I know, but not like this.”
AJ stepped back to the closet doorway, looking at him, giving him full attention.
“It’s stupid and selfish,” Nick said. “I’m being immature.”
“Tell me,” AJ said, taking him seriously.
Nick shrugged, attempting to make it less important. “If you’re for real this time, and he’s the real thing, or something, then you’ll put him first and we’ll be secondary.”
“Nick,” AJ said. “I’m not going to love you less. You’ll always be my brother, whether I’m with Orlando or someone else or no one.”
“I told you I was being stupid,” Nick said.
“You’re not being stupid, you’re being normal,” AJ said. “But listen to me. It might change things on the surface, but it doesn’t change anything inside.”
“I know,” Nick said.
“You want a hug or something?”
Nick laughed. “Not until you get dressed.”
“So stop talking and let me get dressed. You’re making us late.”
“I’m making us late?” Nick asked. “You’re the one who’s still naked.”
“You’re the one who showed up late.”
“You’re the one who should have been ready when I got here.”
AJ went through his closet, trying to decide on which shirt he wanted. He knew how Nick felt. All he could do was make an effort to spend time with the guys, keep in close contact, keep them a priority. He wasn’t sacrificing them to be with Orlando, but he also wasn’t going to sacrifice Orlando to be with them. That meant he’d have to maintain a constant juggling act, but he knew he could do it. Besides, when Orlando was out of town, filming, he’d probably be with the guys so much to make up for it, they’d be relieved when Orlando returned.
The phone was ringing. AJ crawled across the bed to reach it. “Hello.”
“Time is passing,” Kevin said.
“Mortality. Are you feeling old again?” AJ asked. “You could try dyeing the gray.”
“We’re starting to have to sign autographs.”
“Poor Kevin. Get any good phone numbers?”
“I’m not here to pick up women, AJ. I’m here to have a meeting with four other people, and two of them haven’t managed to show up yet.”
“It’s called being fashionably late.”
“It’s called being inconsiderate.”
“It’s called we’ll be there in ten minutes.”
“You’re on your house phone, and you live half an hour away.”
“I don’t drive the speed limit,” AJ reminded him. “If you want me to hurry up and get there, don’t waste my time calling me.”
“Half an hour. Do the speed limit.” Kevin hung up on him.
“Prick,” AJ said, slithering back off the bed. His gaze fell on Nick. “You’re frowned up. Why?”
“Did you know your boyfriend has a tattoo on his arm?”
“Yes, I know that,” AJ said. “What makes you think you’d know Orlando’s body better than I do?”
“He said it’s from the movie. They all got one.”
“And this is upsetting you because you want one too?” AJ guessed. He was mostly dressed. He needed a hat. No, a bandanna, but a good one.
“He got a tattoo for a freaking movie.”
“Three movies,” AJ corrected, trying to find the bandanna he wanted. “And those were some fucking good films.”
“They all got one. They made a movie together, and they got tats for it.”
“Three movies,” AJ said again. “It was one hell of an experience. They were doing it for a year and a half.”
“We’ve been together for ten years!” Nick exclaimed, and AJ started to get it. “You think what they went through brought them closer than us?”
“No, I think-” Damn it. AJ picked up the phone. “Now what?”
“I snuck off to the bathroom,” Howie said. “Kevin’s pissed. He’s starting to talk about taking the group seriously. Brian said when do we ever take anything seriously, but I don’t think Kevin bought it.”
“Would you yank that stick out of his ass?” AJ asked. “We’re coming!”
“We haven’t all been in the same room together in a while,” Howie said. “He’s just tense.”
They saw each other all of the freaking time. Still, AJ knew what Howie meant, how Kevin was feeling. All five of them, together again? He was feeling some of it, too. “I respect that,” AJ said. “Tell him to take one of the waitresses into a dark corner to work off some of that tension. We’re on our way.”
“Got it.”
AJ hung up. Where had he put that bandanna?
“Nick and Drew Lachey got tattoos for each other.”
“They’re brothers,” AJ said.
“We’re brothers,” Nick said.
“No argument there.” AJ went into the bathroom to fix his hair. Every time he thought about slicing off the thick curls in the back, Orlando nuzzled them, and he decided not to make any rash decisions.
“The *NSYNC guys got a group tattoo,” Nick said.
“JC didn’t.”
“JC’s a queen.”
Once again: “No argument there.”
Quick, apologetic, “I didn’t mean it like-”
“I know,” AJ said. JC was a queen, very regal and very gay. AJ had much respect, and he knew Nick did, too. But considering JC’s needle phobia and personal body pride, JC wasn’t a likely candidate for spur-of-the-moment tattooing.
“Why haven’t we ever done that?” Nick asked.
“Kevin and Howie aren’t as ink-happy as you and I are,” AJ said.
Nick came to stand in the bathroom doorway. “That doesn’t mean they wouldn’t do it.”
“You could bring it up,” AJ said.
“This is the biggest experience of our lives,” Nick said. “That’s why a lot of people get tattoos, to mark important things. People get tattoos about us. Why the hell - - what the hell is more important to who we are than what we’ve been through? You wouldn’t be who you are, where you are, without it.”
“I’ll do it,” AJ said. “We should have done it years ago. All five of us. We can talk them into it.”
“We can do it tonight,” Nick said.
“What do you want it to be?” AJ asked, already picturing designs in his head. “Backstreet Boys? BSB?”
“BSB,” Nick said. “But it has to look good.”
“Classy,” AJ said. “Classic. Where do you want yours?”
“Where do you want yours?” Nick asked. “You’re running out of room.”
“We should all get them in the same place,” AJ said.
“Where do you think they’d let us ink them?”
“Hard to say,”
AJ said. “Let’s sketch it out.”
Howie was flirting.
Brian was directing The Adventures of Buttered Roll Man.
Kevin looked up. “Thank god.”
“Are we late?” AJ asked. Brian stopped playing with his food and got up to hug them; Howie turned to do the same. On the way to their seats, AJ and Nick leaned in to kiss Kevin, AJ on his mouth and Nick on his cheek. “Did you order?” AJ asked.
“I’m starving,” Nick said. “AJ was taking so long I was about to eat at his house.”
“You’re so late we should get up now and leave you with the bill,” Kevin said.
“You’re so late we already ate and got hungry again,” Howie said.
“You’re so late, if they’d given us paper napkins, they’d be decomposed by now,” Brian said.
“Good one,” Howie said.
“Thanks,” Brian said, smiling.
“Funny, funny, funny,” Nick said. “What are you guys doing after this?”
“Going to bed,” Kevin said.
“Good, then you can come with us,” Nick said.
“Come with you where?” Howie asked.
“To the tattoo parlor,” AJ said.
“You’re getting another tattoo?” Brian asked.
“You two have so many tattoos, there’s an ink shortage,” Kevin said.
“You two have so many tattoos, we can’t tell what color your skin really is,” Brian said.
“You two have so many tattoos, you piss ink,” Howie said.
“Good one,” Brian said.
“Thank you,” Howie said.
“We’re all getting one,” AJ said. “Together.”
“We drew it,” Nick said, handing Kevin a piece of paper. “Where do you want it?”
“Hey,” Brian said. “That looks good.”
Howie leaned closer. “I like it.”
“We were thinking the back of the thigh,” AJ said. “We can’t decide which thigh.”
“Your thigh,” Kevin said. “Not mine.” He handed the sheet to Howie, who looked at it more closely.
“How big would it be?” Brian asked.
“Smaller than that,” Nick said. “But close.”
“These…tendril things,” Howie said. “The flourishes. They look like tiny letters.”
“They are letters,” AJ said. “There’s an A, B, H, K, and N.”
“Damn,” Brian said, peering over Howie’s shoulder.
“Nice,” Howie agreed.
“I might get talked into this,” Brian said.
“I know we have so much ink already that we’re legend among the squid,” AJ said, “but this isn’t about that. It’s about us.”
“That was a good one,” Brian said.
“It was nice,” Howie agreed.
“Us,” Kevin repeated, ignoring them. “What about us?”
“Us,” Nick said. “What do you think? Us, what we’ve been through, what we’ve done together.”
“And you think that group self-mutilation makes that any more important?” Kevin asked.
“We’re not the same as we once were,” AJ said. “We’re not a bunch of kids anymore. We’re adults, and we’re developing our own interests and our own lives. We’re not separating, but we’re shifting. We’re not together like we used to be. Nick was practically out of the group for all the bitching we did about his album. This is the first time Brian and I have been in the same room since I came out to you. For months Howie was the only one of us trying to keep us together. We need to remind ourselves who we really are and what we really mean to each other. If I could have this year back I’d do it differently, and I know everyone here feels the same way. This can be our commitment to making sure this doesn’t happen again.”
“AJ,” Brian started to say.
“Don’t,” AJ said. “Words tonight can’t take back the words that came before. Instead of saying something, do something.” He looked at Brian across the table. “Come over and meet him.”
Brian hesitated, then nodded.
“This doesn’t work for me,” Kevin said.
“You’re always bitching about taking the group seriously and commitment and responsibility,” Nick said. “This is taking the group pretty fucking seriously.”
“That would be a better argument if you two didn’t get a new tattoo every time the wind blew,” Kevin said. “And that wasn’t what I was talking about. I was talking about the placement. If we’re doing this to keep our commitment in mind, the tattoo should be somewhere more obvious, to remind us when we see it. I’m not so flexible I stare at the back of my thigh on a daily basis.”
AJ winked at Howie across the table. Howie took a drink of water to stifle his laugh.
“Where do you want it?” Nick asked Kevin.
“What’s a place you look at on a regular basis?” Brian asked.
“I’m not tattooing my dick,” Nick said.
“If we’re all getting it in the same place, anywhere on the arm is probably out, since AJ’s way ahead of us,” Howie said.
“We could do the obvious places,” AJ said. “The hip, the ankle.”
“Right, if we’re getting hearts and butterflies,” Nick said.
“Somewhere else on the thigh?” Howie suggested. “The inside, the front?”
“The front,” AJ said. “High up, towards the outside.”
Howie nodded.
“That doesn’t suck,” Nick said.
“Let’s get out of here, grab some McDonald’s on the way, and get this done,” Brian said.
“You’re gung-ho,” AJ said, somewhat surprised.
“You guys have changed me so much inside, I want there to be a reflection of that on the outside,” Brian said.
“A Backstreet Boy is who I am,” Howie agreed. “When you look at me, you can see my gender, my race, my age. I want there to be a physical clue, on my body, that says I’m a Backstreet Boy, because that defines me as much as anything else. Probably more.”
Kevin got out
his wallet and put some money on the table. “Let’s go.”
“This is the first group decision that we’ve made, and followed through on, in a while,” Nick said. “It’s also the first one in a long time that doesn’t suck.”
“We make good group decisions,” Brian said.
“Yeah, ‘let’s all turn our backs on Nick’ was a great decision,” Nick said.
“Nick,” Brian said, and put his hand on Nick’s knee. “That wasn’t… I’m sorry. I told you how sorry I am.”
“Yeah. You said it, AJ said it, Kevin said it.” Howie hadn’t needed to say it; Howie hadn’t screwed him over, hadn’t joined in the “let’s fuck Nick over” party that the other guys and their management and Jive had all celebrated. “I know you meant it.”
Brian had meant it, did mean it; the shame was in his eyes. “You haven’t forgiven us, have you?”
“I have,” Nick said, and looked down. “Forgiving you was hardest.”
“Why?” Brian asked, leaning in, hand still on Nick’s knee. “Nick-”
“AJ should have had the same chance I had, but the timing was fucked up and he didn’t have the support. They were pushing me, and I wanted to try it, and… We just got off tour, he just got out, he needed to take a break. I know he resented me for it and I don’t blame him. Kevin, Kevin knew I was being screwed over and got pissed that I wouldn’t listen to him. But you, I still don’t get it, I still don’t understand. I’ve forgiven you but I don’t get it.”
“I was jealous,” Brian said. “Jealous that you were being given that chance. Jealous that you were being taken away from us. Jealous that you were moving away from us. It’s always been the five of us, and you were off on your own, and I wasn’t with you.”
“You could have come with me,” Nick said. “You could have come to the studio, you could have come to the shows, you could have been there. I would have been so happy - - it would have been so much easier. You don’t know how hard it was sometimes, doing it alone, not having even one of you guys there with me. Not having you there with me.”
“Next time,” Brian promised. “Next time I’ll be there.”
“There won’t be a next time,” Nick said. “I’m screwed. I won’t get another chance.”
“You will,” Brian
said, giving Nick’s leg a determined squeeze. “We’ll make sure of
it.”
“Which one?” AJ asked.
“The cute one,” Orlando said, handing over the phone.
AJ narrowed his eyes at Orlando, trying to decide who Orlando meant without looking at the ID. “Brian?” he asked into the phone.
“AJ,” Brian said. Orlando stuck his tongue out at AJ; AJ pulled on the front of Orlando’s shirt until Orlando got close enough to lick his cheek.
“What can I do for you?” AJ asked Brian.
“I thought I could come over,” Brian said. “We can compare healing tattoos and you can show me some of this infamous trilogy.”
Brave, brave little toaster. “Yeah,” AJ said. “That’d be great. Now?”
“Now’s good for me,” Brian said.
AJ closed his eyes and wrapped his arm around Orlando’s waist, bringing Orlando against his body. Orlando obliged. “Come on over. I’ll heat up the DVD player.”
“Okay.” Hesitation. “Bye.”
“Bye.” AJ hung up.
“Do you want me to go?” Orlando asked softly, his voice near AJ’s ear.
“No, stay, he’s coming over to meet you,” AJ said, opening his eyes. “I wish this weren’t so hard for him.”
“I wish this weren’t so hard for you,” Orlando said.
AJ ran one grateful hand up and down Orlando’s side.
“I finally get to meet him,” Orlando said. “I’ve been looking forward to this.”
“You have?” AJ asked.
“Absolutely. They’re your best mates and your family. I’ve met all of the rest of them. And now the elusive Brian Littrell.”
“Not elusive. Homophobic.”
“I never did get that,” Orlando said. “Why him and not Kevin?”
“I don’t know why not Kevin, but I know why Brian. I got Howie to explain it to me. God knows how Howie figured it out, because I know Brian wouldn’t have told him. Brian’s not that self-aware, which is why he’s confusing his personal crisis with overall homophobia.”
“Tell, tell.”
“There’s always been something about Nick, about the way he loves us, about how much Brian especially means to him. When I came out, Brian was afraid that Nick would come out, that for all of these years Nick’s had a crush on him.”
“So what if Nick did?” Orlando asked.
“The way Brian and Nick used to play when they were best friends growing up is one thing. The way they used to play, if Nick was gay and Brian’s five years older and there are weird undertones to it, is different.”
“Does Brian have a little extra flounce in his step, himself?”
“Howie says yes. Kevin says no, but Kevin kisses grown men and then says he’s straight, so I don’t know.”
“You’re allowed to kiss Kevin as often as you want, as long as you follow the rule. No tongue.”
“You know it’s not like that,” AJ said. He looked at Orlando and grinned. “You were kissing the hobbits, weren’t you?”
“Just Dom,” Orlando said, and grinned. “Just to be friendly.”
When AJ let Brian into the house, they didn’t hug, but Brian did smile and put his hand on AJ’s arm as they greeted each other. They stood there in the foyer, talking, for a few minutes. A fine line had to be walked; AJ wanted to encourage Brian to get to know Orlando, without scaring him off. If Orlando decided to be defensive because Brian had initially rejected AJ for coming out, or if Brian refused to accept Orlando, things could get ugly. They both were so important to AJ, he wanted them to be able to coexist.
Finally, he decided to bring up Orlando in a somewhat roundabout way. “Do you want to watch the ring flick? I watch it so often it has a permanent spot in the DVD player.”
“Yeah,” Brian said. “I should watch it; everyone else I meet has it memorized. Isn’t the second one out yet? On DVD, I mean.”
“Almost,” AJ said. “Mere weeks away. I’m aquiver with anticipation.”
Brian laughed. “Then let’s watch the first one so I’ll be ready for it.”
Time to take the plunge. “Do you want to meet one of the fine actors?” AJ asked.
Against expectations, Brian had a very easy-going reaction. “I’m aquiver with anticipation,” he said. “Lead the way.”
They went to the kitchen, where Orlando was rooting through the refrigerator. He turned with a smile, offering his hand. “It’s great to finally meet you. I’m Orlando.”
“Nice to meet you, too,” Brian said, shaking his hand. “I’m Brian.”
“Brian’s a ring virgin,” AJ said, like Orlando didn’t know that already. “We’re about to watch the Fellowship come together to take on the forces of evil.”
“Do you want to watch it with us, or don’t you watch your own movies?” Brian asked.
“Are you kidding?” Orlando asked. “My other work, no, but this one? I love it.”
AJ smiled. Orlando was smiling, beaming, practically bouncing at the prospect of going back to that world, and of introducing it to someone new. Orlando had a great way of producing instant enthusiasm. “He just likes to look at himself,” AJ told Brian.
A smile from Brian. “If I looked like that, I probably would, too.”
Orlando laughed.
AJ could have
kissed them both.
Brian was still staring at the screen.
AJ sat back and waited. People who’d seen the movie looked at Orlando differently than people who hadn’t. AJ had been looking forward to this moment; he’d been afraid that with Brian’s rejection, it wouldn’t happen.
Brian was still looking at the screen.
AJ nudged him. “Did you like it?”
“Where’s the fucking - - start it again!” Brian said. “What are you waiting for?”
AJ laughed. “You liked it.”
“Everything was awesome, I have to know what happens next, that guy at the end was just pure evil, I don’t even know what was real and what was a special effect! How did they do all of that?!” Suddenly Brian looked around. “Where did he go?”
“Kitchen,” AJ said.
“Keep him,” Brian said. “Keep him. He barely had any lines but I spent half the movie… He’s… He’s…”
“He’s a fucking wet dream,” AJ said.
“Who’s a wet dream?” Orlando asked, climbing over the back of the couch to sit on Brian’s other side, balancing a bowl of popcorn in one hand. “I hope you’re talking about Elijah and not Viggo.”
Orlando’s sudden flesh-and-blood reappearance seemed to startle Brian. AJ couldn’t blame him; it was hard for AJ to accept Orlando sometimes, even when he hadn’t just been watching the film. “Is he real?” Brian asked AJ.
“He’s a fantasy,” AJ said. “Any day now the reality police will come knocking on my door.”
“What are you going on about?” Orlando asked.
“Who’s Viggo?” Brian asked.
“Aragorn,” AJ said.
“Forgot the salt,” Orlando said, moving to climb back the way he’d come. He was stopped by Brian’s intense stare. “What?” he asked, polite yet puzzled.
“You look so...” Brian said.
Orlando laughed. “Different, yeah, I know. Movie magic.”
“Movie magic,” Brian repeated as Orlando left the room again. He watched Orlando go. “He’s magic.”
AJ loved Brian. He’d known that Brian’s innate goodness would take over, that if he could just Brian to meet Orlando in person everything would be okay, that Brian was too good to hate someone once they were face-to-face, especially someone as fun and good-natured as Orlando. But Brian had gone that one step farther, bypassed mere tolerance and mere acceptance into appreciation, into admiration, into enthusiasm. It was a complete turn-around, and AJ loved him for it.
AJ loved Orlando, too, for winning Brian over so easily, for being someone AJ had no qualms about introducing to his closest and most judgmental friends, for being the kind of person that could make hatred and fear disappear as though they’d never been there.
“What are you waiting for?” Brian asked AJ. “I want to watch it again.”
“It’s three hours long,” AJ said.
“You’re right. We might get hungry. Orlando!” Brian called.
“What?” Orlando called back.
“Bring AJ the
phone when you come back. We’re ordering pizza.”
“Hey,” Nick said, letting him in. “You look weird.”
Brian offered a dazzling smile. “I met an elf today.”
“God, not another one,” Nick said, groaning, dropping onto the couch.
“What?” Brian asked, sitting beside him.
“Kevin treats him like he’s perfect, Howie’s always having private conversations with him, I swear they both get hard every time he’s around, and now you.”
“I’m happy for AJ,” Brian said. “I’m so happy for him.”
“You’re happy you get to hang around AJ’s house and see Orlando whenever you want,” Nick said.
“He’s so pretty, and he’s enthusiastic about everything, and he’s-”
“He makes AJ happy,” Nick said.
“He does,” Brian said. “He makes AJ seem settled, for once.”
“It’s weird, to see AJ getting quiet and domestic, but it’s probably good for him,” Nick said.
“I want to talk to you about something,” Brian said.
Nick frowned. “What?”
“It’s hard for me to talk about. Whatever you think, however you want to respond, it’s okay. I don’t want this to change anything.”
“Okay,” Nick said slowly, unsure of himself, unsure of Brian.
“When we met, you were twelve and I was seventeen. When the Backstreet Boys became official, you were thirteen and I was eighteen. You were just becoming a real teenager, and I had just become a legal adult.”
“Yeah,” Nick said. “So?”
“Do you remember one night in Germany, when you were sixteen? Kevin and Howie and AJ were out at a club, and you and I stayed in and told ghost stories and squeezed toothpaste into Howie’s shampoo bottle.”
“I remember that,” Nick said. “God, that was years ago.”
“The ghost stories were a little too good, and when we finally went to bed, you got into bed with me.”
“I can’t even remember which stories we were telling,” Nick said.
“I wanted to touch you,” Brian said.
Nick frowned. “What?”
“I was twenty-one, Nick. You were sixteen. You were a child and I was a man, and I wanted to touch you. I had to dig my fingernails into my skin to control myself. I was awake all night silently praying to God to help me, to protect you.”
“Protect me from you?” Nick asked. “Brian, I was sixteen, not eight. Jesus, what are you saying, you’re gay?”
“I don’t know,” Brian said. “I don’t know what I am. I don’t know who I am. Sometimes when I look at you…”
“What? Sometimes when you look at me what?”
Brian’s voice was soft, but rich with repressed emotion. “I want you.”
“Jesus,” Nick said again.
“I’ve tried talking to him,” Brian said with an attempt at a smile. “It hasn’t helped.”
“It hasn’t helped, or it hasn’t stopped you?” Nick asked. “Brian, if you’re bi, wanting other guys isn’t going to stop. Religion can help you deal with it, but nothing’s going to make you stop wanting guys if that’s how God made you.”
“That’s one of Kevin’s theories,” Brian said.
“He and I have talked about this,” Nick said. “When AJ told us he was bi, you flipped out so hard I couldn’t talk to you, so I went to Kevin.”
“Nick, I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I should have given you some support.”
“That’s over,” Nick said. “What are you saying to me? You want me?”
“I’ve wanted you for years,” Brian said.
“Then why didn’t you do anything?” Nick demanded.
“I didn’t want to be bi!” Brian shouted. “I didn’t want to be this way! I didn’t want this person living inside of me. I didn’t want any of it to be real. And I was not a pedophile, I was not going to corrupt a minor. Even when you turned eighteen, with the age difference between us, it just wasn’t right.”
“Twelve and seventeen isn’t the same as eighteen and twenty-three,” Nick said. “The older we get, the less that matters. There’s no other person living inside of you. It’s all you.”
“I know, I know that, it’s just so hard for me…” Brian rubbed his face with one hand. “I don’t know how AJ does it. He’s so happy and I’m so…”
“Fucked up,” Nick finished for him, voice dark.
“Yeah.” Brian put his elbows on his knees, looking at the floor.
“So why are you telling me?” Nick asked. “You just felt like sharing?”
“Nick, please, don’t-”
“Oh, what, I’m supposed to be sweet and nice about it because this is hard for you? You should have freaking told me!” Nick shouted.
“I’m telling you now!” Brian shouted back, turning to face him again. “I’m telling you now, and yes this is hard for me, so give me a break!”
“Fine.” Nick sat back, arms crossed over his chest. “Fine. Go ahead. Tell me. You’re bi, you’ve wanted me for seven years, what else?”
“I know the five of us haven’t been… Things aren’t the same. A lot of that’s my fault. Pulling away… It seemed like the right thing to do. I wanted… I wanted to get away from you. Every time I saw you, I had thoughts I didn’t want to be having, so-”
“I’ve been going through hell feeling like I’m losing my best friend, and you’ve been doing it on purpose because you’re a coward?! Fuck you! You’ve always been my best friend, it’s so freaking hard without you, you - - fuck you!”
“Nick, I’m trying to explain this to you!”
“Jesus Christ, Brian, you could’ve told me this years ago! You could’ve told me you thought you were bi, you could’ve told me you were going through this, I know you’re jacked up in the head over it but I could have helped you! We all could have! We don’t keep secrets from each other.”
“I know, I made things harder for everybody, but… Nick, I couldn’t tell you, I couldn’t tell anyone. I still can’t believe I’m saying anything now.”
“So go ahead and tell me why you’re spilling this today.”
“AJ said that Orlando’s his wet dream. I… You…” Brian put his elbows on his knees again, his face in his hands, his words coming out accented and muffled. “I can’t do this, I can’t say this to you, I shouldn’t have started this.”
“What?” Nick asked. “Freaking tell me, Brian.”
“You’re my wet dream. I have wet dreams about you.”
“Fuck. Aren’t you too old for that shit?”
“It’s because I want you,” Brian said. “I want you but when I’m awake and conscious I don’t let myself think about it. When I’m unconscious and I can’t control where my mind goes, I have dreams about you, and my body… I can’t do this, I can’t talk about this, I shouldn’t be telling you this.”
“Brian, if you’re bi, you’re interested in guys, lots of guys, not just me. What about them?”
“What about them?” Brian asked, his face still in his hands.
“You keep making it sound like it’s all about me, and I know it’s not, so don’t sit here and make me think I’m special.”
Brian laughed without amusement. “Believe me, you’re special. Other guys, yeah, I don’t know, they’re okay. Sometimes I think I might be interested. But it is about you, if it’s not all about you then it’s mostly about you. You’re… You’re the one I responded to first, and you’re the one I responded to the most. You woke up something in me when I was twenty-one, after I thought I knew who I was. I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about you.”
“I must make you feel pretty good, since you’ve been pulling away from me and leaving me on my own.”
“I’m sorry,” Brian said.
“You’re sorry for what?” Nick asked. “Sorry you’re a shitty friend to me? I’ve been a great friend to you, I’ve always been there for you, I’ve looked up to you, I’ve loved you like no one else has and you know it. I’ve never wanted anything out of this friendship but you.”
“You’re like a disease,” Brian said. “You’re like a fever, an obsession. I can’t stop thinking about you, I can’t stop wanting you, I can’t stop any of it. All I do is spend my days thinking about you, and thinking about thinking about you, and thinking about not thinking about you. And my nights, I spend my nights in my dreams, and I wake up hard, sweating, wanting you so badly I can taste you, and the sheets are stained with cum…” Brian pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes.
“You know if you’d asked me, you could’ve had me,” Nick said. “As far back as that first night in Germany, if you’d tried to touch me, I would’ve let you. Any one of those times you woke up wanting me, you could’ve come to me, and you could’ve had me.”
Brian’s voice was a whisper. “And now?”
“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Nick demanded. “Fuck. You can’t ask me that. I don’t have that answer. You’re not even you anymore.”
Brian leaned back against the sofa, eyes closed. He sighed. “I have to tell the other guys.”
“Yeah, you do,” Nick said. “Not the part about the cum on the sheets, though.”
Brian chuckled, eyes still closed. “No, not that part.”
Nick slid closer, adopting his position, leaning shoulder-to-shoulder. “So. You’re bi, and you want me.”
“Yep.”
“This explains most of why you freaked over AJ, right?”
“Probably.”
“It would be weird to kiss you at first. And other stuff. To get used to it. I don’t really think about you that way. I mean, not… I don’t know. I’ve always known I would, if you asked me. I just never thought you’d ask me. Like, never, ever, ever. But I thought if you did ask me, sometime, I’d do it. I mean, I’ve thought about kissing the other guys, but it was just kissing. With you, it was sort of like, whatever Brian’s willing to let me do, anything goes. I wasn’t thinking about sex, sex, gay sex, anal sex, it was more like, I’d give you a blowjob if you let me. But I never thought you’d ever let me, so I didn’t really get deep into the idea.”
Brian curled his hands into fists, to keep from touching Nick.
“You should’ve touched me,” Nick said. “That night in bed in Germany. And if I was too young then, when I was eighteen, you should’ve gone for it. God, years, Brian, you had years. You should’ve told me.”
“I couldn’t.”
Nick turned his head and looked at Brian’s profile. “I’ve missed you so fucking much.”
Brian closed his eyes more tightly, from pain and guilt. “I know you have.”
“At least you knew why we weren’t together anymore. I just got a lot of questions and a bunch of confusion and a shitload of loneliness. It never made sense, and it always hurt.”
“I was wrong,” Brian said. “I treated you badly. You deserved a lot better.”
“Do you even know how to have gay sex?” Nick asked.
Brian’s eyes flew open. “What?”
“I’m just asking. You aren’t exactly AJ. Do you even know where to stick it?”
“I know exactly where,” Brian said. “We are not talking about this.”
Nick grinned. “Just checking. Are you a top or a bottom?”
Brian looked at him.
Nick grinned more broadly. “Chickenshit. Tell me.”
“What did you call me?”
“Chickenshit. You’re afraid to tell me. You’re a bottom, aren’t you? You’re scared I’ll think you’re a girl now. It’s okay. Somebody has to take it, so it might as well be you.”
“I am not a bottom.”
Nick raised one eyebrow. “If you’re not a bottom, then you’re a top, and I’m the one taking it?” He thought about that. “I can deal with that. Just go easy the first few times until I get used to it. I’ve seen your dick, and that’s no easy fit.”
Brian pushed himself up off of the couch. “I’m not a bottom or a top I’d like to try both and it’s past time for me to go.”
“Wait, wait, hold on,” Nick said, getting up and reaching for him, stopping him, coming around in front of him. “Don’t run out. I’ll stop teasing you.”
“I can’t talk about this,” Brian said. “I can’t talk about it.”
“Okay. Okay. You don’t want to talk, we won’t talk. I can shut up.”
“That’d be new.”
“No smart comments. I’m still mad at you.”
“I should go. You need time to-”
“I don’t need time, I need you,” Nick said. “When are you going to get that?”
Brian held out his hand.
Nick took it. “I love you. You idiot. I love you, and you know I do.”
“I know.”
“You could throw a little ‘I love you’ in there to soothe my hurt feelings.”
Brian smiled. “I love you.”
“Good.”
Brian looked down at their joined hands.
“Brian?”
Brian looked up.
Nick kissed him.
Brian’s brain shorted out at the first press of Nick’s lips.
Nick pulled back. “If you’re not going to help me out with this, I’m not doing it.”
“You don’t have to do this. You don’t have to-”
Nick kissed him again.
The first taste of Nick on his tongue burned across Brian’s brain. He closed his hand in the front of Nick’s shirt, bringing Nick closer, wanting more, more, more…
Kissing Nick, he was kissing Nick, this was what kissing Nick was like. This was how Nick kissed. Now Brian knew, and it was more than he’d known to wish for. Nick’s mouth was hot, and Nick’s lips were soft, and Nick’s tongue was slowly, thoroughly fucking all of the higher functions out of Brian’s head. Nick’s hands were on him, touching him, feeling him, and Brian twisted, pushing into Nick’s hands, wanting more of Nick’s touch on his body.
Nick was under Brian’s hands, too; Brian had his right hand on Nick’s hip, pulling Nick closer, keeping Nick in place. His other hand was in Nick’s hair, making sure Nick’s mouth remained connected to his.
Soft hair. He loved Nick’s hair. He hoped he wasn’t pulling on it. He licked Nick’s teeth to apologize. He loved Nick’s teeth. Even, white, happy, wholesome teeth. Brian loved everything about Nick’s mouth. He’d wanted to do things to it for years. And now he was experiencing it for himself, intimately, sexually. He was kissing Nick, and he wanted to keep kissing Nick forever.
Brian wasn’t used to tilting his head back and leaning up when he kissed, but Nick’s arms were around him, supporting him, and when Nick got more aggressive and started to tip him back, the dizziness in his head was excitement, not fear. He wasn’t used to wrapping his arms around such broad shoulders, and he definitely wasn’t used to being pressed against a hard man’s chest instead of a cushion of breasts; it was making him want to tear off Nick’s shirt and run his hands over Nick’s smooth chest, maybe kiss it. Definitely kiss it. Sure as hell come on it.
Brian shuddered.
Nick’s cock was hard, a thick bulge against Brian’s stomach. The more he thought about that, about Nick being aroused, about Nick being turned on, about Nick’s cock being hard, about being this close to Nick while Nick was in a state of arousal, about being this close to Nick’s erection… Brian was kissing Nick harder and harder, pushing himself into the kiss to keep from slamming Nick onto the nearest piece of furniture and doing very bad things to his very best friend.
Nick stopped kissing him. Didn’t move away, just stopped kissing him, held onto him, hugged him a little closer.
Brian closed his eyes and tried not to grind his hips against Nick’s erection. Nick was hard, and he wanted to savor it, to experience it. He also wanted to make Nick come, so even if this moment never came again, he’d have the memory, the fact of it: one time, one evening, he’d been the one who’d make Nick come.
“Are you okay?” Nick asked, voice soft and worried by his ear.
Brian shuddered. He loved Nick’s voice, the way Nick still sounded young, and maybe he was a pervert for it, but he didn’t care. He wanted to have sex with Nick’s voice.
“You’re making these really intense noises,” Nick said.
Brian hadn’t been aware that he’d been making any noise at all. He’d been aware of Nick’s quick gasps for breath, of Nick’s appreciative grunts against his tongue, of that quick-slow moan Nick had made when he’d pressed tightly to Nick’s body and he’d felt for himself how hard Nick was. For all Brian cared, he himself wasn’t even in the room; it was all about Nick, and sex, and Nick, and experiencing Nick, and exploring Nick, and exploiting Nick.
“You can touch me wherever you want,” Nick said. “I’m okay with whatever you want to do.”
Brian put his hands on Nick’s waist and lifted the hem of Nick’s T-shirt.
“Naked’s cool,” Nick said, and stepped back, pulling off his shirt and tossing it onto a chair.
Brian stared at Nick’s chest, running his hands up and down Nick’s arms. Nick had tattoos he still had to memorize, and even if they weren’t necessarily what Brian would have chosen to decorate Nick’s body, they were part of Nick, and Nick was beautiful, so they were beautiful, too. They were on Nick’s skin, and Brian loved Nick’s skin. He kissed Nick’s chest, quick soft kisses at first and then slower, wetter kisses. He planted a kiss on Nick’s skin, licked left to a new spot, kissed, licked down, kissed, licked over, kissed, licked down, and found a nipple.
He made love to it with his tongue.
Nick was making rough, aching sounds and squeezing his ass. Brian reached up for another kiss, taking Nick’s mouth, distracted from his focus by the shift and press of Nick’s hands.
He couldn’t take it. The longer he waited, the less in control of himself he was. At the rate Nick was destroying his brain cells, he’d be a worthless mass of unfocused hormones in another five seconds.
He had to do it now, while he still had enough sense left to pay attention to what he was doing and memorize every detail of it.
When Brian stepped back enough to put distance between his hips and Nick’s, immediately he mourned the loss of the heat and the hardness.
When he put his hands to Nick’s fly, his fingers shook and stuttered. Nick helped him, and the touch of Nick’s fingers, guiding him to open Nick’s jeans, burned him to near paralysis.
Nick stepped back, pushing his pants down, underwear too, and then he was naked, absolutely naked in front of Brian, miles and acres of skin, long torso, long limbs. Brian had seen Nick before, seen Nick naked before, but this wasn’t just Nick being naked; this was Nick being naked for him, Nick undressing for him, Nick’s body on display for him.
Brian had harbored a private obsession for Nick for a long time. He’d developed a fetish for everything about Nick, from the length of Nick’s tongue to the pink of Nick’s nipples to the sound of Nick’s laugh to the small dimple that appeared whenever Nick smirked. He’d eroticized every inch and detail of Nick’s body. Now that Nick was before him, naked, giving him permission to act on his longhand desires, Brian didn’t know where to start.
No. Brian knew exactly where to start.
“Sit.”
Nick glanced at the couch, then sat on it, one elbow on the armrest.
Brian put his hands on Nick’s knees, spread them, nudged Nick’s feet apart, and knelt.
Nick’s naked dick, Brian had seen. Nick with a hard-on, Brian had seen. Nick’s naked erection was a whole new experience, and well worth the wait. The long, thick shaft, the round head, the dark flushed color, the translucent pearl of precum, made Brian’s cock ache, made Brian’s mouth water. He took Nick’s erection in his hand, adjusting his grip, and closed his mouth over the head, licking it gently with his tongue.
“Holy fuck,” Nick said, sounding shocked.
Brian flicked his tongue beneath the head and then licked down the shaft, along the vein running down the underside, into coarse blond hair. He kissed Nick’s inner thighs, mouthing Nick’s balls, massaging them with his tongue. The dark gold hair between Nick’s thighs fascinated Brian; he nuzzled against Nick’s balls, inhaling boy and man and musk and sweat, kissing around the base of Nick’s erection.
Brian rubbed his hands over Nick’s thighs, feeling the tension of muscle, as he licked his way up Nick’s cock. It was hard and heated against his tongue, twitching in eager response. It liked his attention. It liked his mouth.
It could have his mouth.
Brian licked up Nick’s precum, tasting Nick on his tongue. He heard Nick’s rich, aching groan and felt an echoing throb through his own body in response. His own dick was hard, stiff and cramped inside his jeans, torturous but ignored. He was willing to put off his own needs to attend to Nick’s.
Brian took Nick’s cock into his mouth again, one hand holding the base. He started sucking, lightly at first, then harder and harder, cheeks hollowing, Nick’s cock thick between his lips, precum salty and bitter on his tongue. He took Nick’s dick as far into his mouth as he could, backed off and slid down again, backed off and slid down again, finding a rhythm, sucking as he went, his hand working the base, his sucking picking up a new hunger as he heard Nick panting and groaning. He wanted to fuck Nick, wanted to fuck the sound of Nick in ecstasy, wanted to fuck Nick’s mouth so he could live this experience from Nick’s side.
Brian’s balls were starting to ache, and his need for orgasm was distracting him from keeping his full attention on Nick, so he tugged open his fly one-handed, shoved his hand down his shorts, and jacked himself off quickly. That done, he wiped his hand on his shirt and returned to his full-time occupation of sucking Nick’s dick. Nick was getting closer, closer, panting harder, balls pulling up tight, muscles in his thigh trembling. Brian sucked harder, waiting for it, wanting it, tense and wired with the anticipation of it.
Nick came. He moaned, sounding gloriously pained, as hot cream flooded Brian’s mouth. Brian relaxed, tried not to choke, and fisted Nick’s cock until the last spurts wet his tongue. He let go, sitting back slightly, licking his lips, panting.
“Oh my god,” Nick said, sounding floored.
Brian kissed Nick’s knee, then rested his cheek on Nick’s thigh, eyes closed. There was a period of silence. His breathing evened. He felt Nick’s fingers crawl through his hair.
“I would’ve done that for you,” Nick said.
“I know.”
“You want to stay here tonight?”
“Okay.”
More silence. Nick’s fingers in his hair.
“My knees are killing me.”
“Well get up! Come on. We can go to bed.” Nick pushed him back, then stood and helped him up. “Take off your clothes and join the naked party.”
“Nick.” Brian looked up, and didn’t know what to say.
Nick kissed him.
“We’re good. Come to bed.”
“I want to talk to you about gay sex,” Nick said. “Can I come over tomorrow?”
“You want to talk about what?” AJ asked.
“Brian just gave me a blowjob on my couch. I’m kind of worried about him, because he came in his pants doing it. He’s going to get the five of us together tomorrow or the day after or something, to tell us he’s bi.”
“I don’t know what I’m hearing,” AJ said. “Is my brain malfunctioning? Did I pick up someone else’s phone by accident?”
“Do I need to buy some K-Y or something?” Nick asked.
“Come over tomorrow. We’ll discuss.”
“Okay.”
“I have to go massage my brain.” AJ hung up and rolled onto his stomach, burying his face in Orlando’s neck, closing his eyes.
“You want to talk about it?” Orlando asked, tracing lines around AJ’s shoulder blades.
“Brian’s a fast learner,” AJ said.
“Good for him.”
“Only Nick would tell me that he and Brian are having sex, then tell me that Brian wants to talk to us to break the news that he’s bi.”
“Yeah, that sounds like Nick’s breaking the news for him,” Orlando said. “Colorful guy, Nick is.”
“I was thinking that Brian might be bi, I was open to speculation, but reality? This is different. Brian doing guys? Brian and Nick as a couple?”
“Nothing to it,” Orlando said. “You told me how close they used to be. Just think of it like they got that back again, with a little extra.”
“It could be kind of cute,” AJ admitted. He raised his head and smiled at Orlando. “I always did think they were adorable together.”
“I think you’re all adorable together,” Orlando said.
AJ gave Orlando a stern look. “I am not adorable.”
“You’re very adorable,” Orlando said. “When Nick comes over just to hang out, and he eats all of our food and you drag him around wherever you go, that’s adorable. When you spend hours on the phone with Howie-”
“I am not adorable.”
“That day when Kevin and Howie both came over, and they were both trying their hardest not to tell you what to do, when you know they wanted to, that was so cute!”
“No, that was annoying.” AJ drew on Orlando’s shoulder meditatively with one finger. “They were trying, though. They have a hard time not running my life for me. They only want what’s best for me.”
“Maddening, isn’t it?”
“They were not happy about you at first. They didn’t think that dating a male actor who says, ‘I’m bored, let’s go jump out of a plane’ was the best step on my path to wellness. Then they met you, and you flashed that smile, and Kevin was eating out of your hand.”
“It’s a gift,” Orlando said. “Someday I’ll teach you.”
“You were great with Brian today. Thank you.”
“Brian’s fantastic,” Orlando said. “He’s so friendly and so cute. I just want to eat him up.”
“Don’t tell me that.”
Orlando laughed. “You know you’re my favorite, AJ.” He kissed AJ’s mouth. “Don’t I tell you every day?”
“I don’t think I’ve heard it in the past two hours,” AJ said. “You’d better tell me again.”
“AJ, I love you to pieces.” Kiss. “You’re my favorite person in the world.” Nibble. “If you want to, we can shag like crazy right now.”
AJ kissed and nibbled back, with a little licking thrown in for good measure. He was feeling good about himself. He and the guys were committed to each other. He had Orlando, which in itself was an extreme in the “pinch me, I’m dreaming” category. And he’d just been offered sex. “Life is so good to me.”
Orlando grinned. “I’ll be good to you if you’ll be good to me.”
“All right.” AJ settled on his back, hands behind his head, one knee cocked. “You first.”
“You’re priceless,” Orlando said, and slid down the bed to lick between AJ’s thighs.
“Look,” AJ winced
with pleasure, “who’s,” he groaned, “fucking talking.”