banner by Vanessa
Copyright October 13, 2000 by Matthew Haldeman-Time
Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex
Pairing: Brian Littrell/AJ McLean
Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.
Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashers.
Wherein Brian thinks, and needs, and loves.
Notice: I was going to leave Nick out of it! Then I wrote the first sentence and Brian started thinking about him. I swear, you're naked in bed making love with AJ McLean and you're not happy? I knew I spoiled him too much in "Not Easy" and "No One." This story is the first one I ever let anyone else see. I'd like to thank Becky, Bonnie, Melissa, and Steph for their support.
Except there had been two orgasms, and they'd been more than "good," so his brain wouldn't be working well for another few days.
How'd he ever get on the subject of AJ's hands?
Oh, right. AJ was touching him. Stroking his hair, which was getting too long again.
Too long for whom? Too long by whose standards?
Too long in the sight of those calculating southern country Christian-
"Want to talk about it?"
He rested his forehead against AJ's shoulder and draped an arm over AJ's waist. "No."
He loved his home. He loved his family. He loved his mother. He did.
He closed his eyes. Tighter.
But his home, family, mother didn't understand him. Wouldn't understand this moment.
He still couldn't pinpoint the first moment. The moment when he'd fallen.
Fallen for AJ.
Fallen in love.
Fallen from grace.
AJ was intelligent and interesting. AJ had sexual potency. And AJ had presence. Especially onstage. AJ owned the stage, owned the crowd. Was it sexuality or talent or confidence that gave AJ power? AJ could step onstage and take over, rule the show. Brian always wanted to step offstage and become a part of the audience, to experience AJ from the crowd's vantage point. Brian was proud to be with the Backstreet Boys, was proud to be onstage with all four of them, but he was very proud specifically to be there with AJ, to be able to work alongside that kind of presence.
All four of them.
One of them being Nick.
Who was on the other side of that wall.
He rolled over, putting his back to the wall. His back was to AJ now, too, and AJ settled against him spoon-style. AJ was warm and smooth and hard; AJ's fingers felt over his ribs gently, idly. The touch was soothing.
He needed to be soothed, sometimes. He always forgot that. He kept thinking that he was fine, and he was so busy touring and performing and being in front of cameras and being in front of fans that he forgot that there was breathing space available. And when he did stop to breathe, it all crashed down on him. What he was doing. Whom he was hurting, and how badly.
He couldn't sing "The Perfect Fan" anymore. They'd removed it from their playlist. Unofficially.
And "Spanish Eyes," which had gotten him into this situation in the first place... He hadn't said anything, and AJ hadn't said anything, but that song seemed to have been removed from the playlist, too. He knew under whose direction.
When he and AJ made love, were they too loud? Could they be heard? How thick were hotel walls, really?
AJ's hand stilled on his chest.
Everything was still. And silent. Brian could hear himself breathing.
What was he doing? Really, what was he doing? He'd been raised for a wife and kids, white picket fences and family values. And here he was in bed with a man. A Latin man at that. He was pretty sure that for this situation objections would rise up around the gay thing and skip the race thing, but it was just one more nail in his coffin.
Gay. He wasn't gay, he was bisexual. Which meant that he could be in bed with a woman. But he wasn't in love with a woman; he was in love with AJ.
Wasn't he?
"Brian, look at me." Hands pushed and pulled; he shifted and rolled. Now he was facing AJ again, looking into AJ's eyes.
Yes, he was. In love. With AJ.
"You have to let it go."
Let what go? His love? His mother? His... "I can't." But it didn't matter. Because he did love AJ, and they were together. Maybe that was cheesy and romantic, but it felt true. He could look into AJ's eyes and feel this incredible, new place, deep inside, where there was love and beauty. It was strengthening. It filled him.
He loved AJ. AJ was here with him. Kentucky was far away tonight.
And Nick was right on the other side of that wall.
Nick was too close.
Home was too far.
AJ was right here.