Erica
Copyright October 19, 2000 by Matthew Haldeman-Time
Rating: soft R
Pairing: Brian Littrell/AJ McLean
Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money form this venture.
Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor. Also for Bonnie, Becky, Melissa, and Steph.
Wherein the author seems to be making references to Jerry Maguire, "Highlander: The Series," and..."Buffy?" (And maybe Notting Hill, too, but I'm not sure.)
Notice: This slashfic follows "Kentucky Boy" and "Making It Count."
Brian was a romantic at heart. He wanted a partner for life. Life partner. He'd spent two decades expecting that partner to be a woman, but he'd be thoroughly happy to have it be a man. Would it be AJ? Could they stay together forever?
Sometimes, he would have staked his life on it.
A lot of the time, it seemed within his grasp.
And even when it hit him - - no, it stabbed him, drove a spike of pure pain deep into his body and soul - - that there were problems, that he had problems, they had problems, he wasn't the only one in pain...even then, he could turn and look into AJ's eyes. And that strengthened him. They were together, and they were strong together. It would be all right.
They were strong together. Brian suspected that that was because they were strong apart; they were complete people, unique individuals, outside of their relationship. Now they were coming together, and they strengthened each other.
Brian hadn't felt complete before the Backstreet Boys. He been missing something, and he'd known it. He'd felt a lack. He'd come to the Backstreet Boys and he'd been fulfilled.
You complete me.
It hadn't just been the music, the performance, a dream realized. He'd found something else there, too. He'd found...
...
...Nick. He'd found Nick. His other half. The one who did complete him, did fulfill him. When he was with Nick everything was new, fun, real, whole. He was alive and the world was-
"I know the reason why I am alive, and the world is so beautiful tonight."
AJ.
AJ was his love. Nick was his... How could he describe it? He couldn't describe what Nick meant to him. He couldn't even explain the difference between what AJ meant to him and what Nick meant to him. Sometimes he couldn't even feel the difference, himself.
The most obvious difference was that he made love with AJ and not with Nick. He kissed AJ. He touched AJ in ways he'd never thought he could touch a man. He'd been so closed off in his narrow little world that he'd never imagined what it could be to touch another man. No one had told him that he could put his lips to a man's nipple.
He was in love with AJ.
He wasn't in love with Nick. How could he be in love with himself?
Well, he could name a few people who had self-love down to an art form, but they weren't supposed to fight with *NSYNC anymore.
He wasn't in love with Nick, but he loved Nick. He loved Nick very much. He loved Nick more than he loved anyone.
But he was in love with AJ. He was in love with AJ's attitude and talent and intelligence and generosity and body and so much more that he couldn't possibly explain it in mere words. AJ couldn't be explained, could only be experienced.
AJ had a very strong sense of himself, and a lot of maturity. He wasn't big on patience, necessarily, but he was interesting, and fun, and compassionate. He was a great showman.
Brian envied AJ's onstage crowd-pleasing ability, and he'd told AJ.
AJ had, in turn, told Brian that while he could go onstage and run around, flash his body, and scream the crowd into a frenzy, all Brian had to do was walk onstage and smile, and the crowd would be just as hyped. AJ envied Brian; it had taken AJ a lifetime of performance to hone his natural talent, while Brian didn't have make any effort at all.
All Brian had to do was to be himself.
Just himself.
Just a tenor with a guitar, a Kentucky boy who couldn't dance.
Just a guy. In love
with another guy. Trying not to hear his soulmate's heart breaking.