Imperfect
Copyright July 20, 2003-October 29, 2004 by Matthew Haldeman-Time
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Drew Lachey/Jeff Timmons
Disclaimer: The young men who comprise 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.
Notice: This story is basically a slash cliché with no original thought.
Jeff dropped onto a chair, grateful for its stability. He took another long drink and stared across the room.
Nick laughed at something someone said, showing all of his teeth, and his arm tightened around Jessica’s waist.
Jeff took another drink.
Justin took the chair beside Jeff. “How are you doing?”
Nick was smiling. Looking happy. Jeff finished his drink. “Fine.”
“Glad to hear it.” Justin hoped he could keep Jeff from picking up another glass without causing a scene.
“Look at her,” Jeff said. “Look at her. Smile like a Colgate commercial. Hair like a shampoo commercial. Figure like a...”
“She is beautiful,” Justin agreed, wishing Jeff wouldn’t do this to himself.
“She’s nice,” Jeff said, “she’s sweet, she has a great voice, she has a killer body-”
“Jeff-”
“She’s devoted to Nick,” Jeff said. “She’s devoted to him. She loves him.”
She did. Justin hoped that it was some consolation.
“She’s impossible not to like, no matter how hard you try. I’ve tried,” Jeff said, “I’ve tried to hate her, but I like her. I can’t not like her.”
“She’s very sweet,” Justin said.
Jeff lifted a drink from the tray of a passing waiter. Just as he raised it to his lips, Drew took it from his hand and set it on a nearby table. “Your body is your temple,” he reminded Jeff.
Justin was relieved to have Drew’s help, but it wasn’t fair that Drew had to see Jeff self-destruct over Nick like this.
“My temple and I are celebrating,” Jeff said.
Justin’s date gestured to him across the room. “I’m about to head out,” he said. “Why don’t you let Drew take you home?”
“I’d like another drink,” Jeff said, watching waiters pass out of his reach.
“I’ll give you a glass of water when you get home,” Drew said.
Justin stood. “Come on,” he encouraged Jeff.
Jeff pushed Justin aside a few inches so he could maintain a clear line of sight to Nick.
“You should go now,” Drew said to Jeff. “It’s easier to leave before they do.”
Jeff seemed to recognize some truth in that, because after another moment, he stood. “Need to…call a cab.”
“I’ll drive you,” Drew said.
Justin rejoined his date and walked outside with Drew and Jeff, saying good night, watching them get into Drew’s car. He thought, not for the first time, that things would be much easier if Jeff would get over one Lachey and turn to the other. Why couldn’t Jeff see the love waiting for him, the way Nick never had?
Drew drove carefully. Jeff was quiet beside him. They almost never spoke of Jeff’s feelings for Nick, because there was never any point. Jeff couldn’t have Nick. Drew couldn’t have Jeff; Jeff couldn’t have Nick; Nick, well, Nick had Jessica, so at least someone was happy.
When he got to Jeff’s house, he parked and followed Jeff inside. He had no valid excuse for it, but Jeff wasn’t asking for a reason.
Jeff left his shoes and shirt in the living room, drank some water in the kitchen, and went back to the bedroom. He sat on the side of the bed, holding his head in his hands, and closed his eyes.
Drew stood in the doorway, watching. Hurting. Hurting for Jeff. Hurting for himself. He’d loved Jeff, so faithfully and for so long, that it wasn’t fair for Jeff to be lost over Nick. It didn’t make sense. Jeff’s love was wasted on Nick, who would never notice it, who would never appreciate it.
“I don’t know why I keep making this so hard on myself,” Jeff said.
Drew didn’t know, either, because he kept doing the same thing.
“Sometimes I could swear he almost knows. I keep checking for pity in his eyes.”
It was like Jeff could read his mind.
“I have to stop this. Every time, I promise myself, this will be the last time, I’ll get over it, I’ll move on. I’ll stop thinking about him. I’ll find someone else.”
“That’s not easy,” Drew said.
“It’s almost impossible,” Jeff said. He stood, almost dropping back again, making an effort to stay on his feet. “Okay. Drunker than I thought.” He took a moment, then came past Drew in the doorway. “Stay here, just going to take a piss.”
Drew walked further into the bedroom, stifling the urge to start straightening it. He heard the toilet flush, and Jeff returned. He must have lost his pants somewhere in the bathroom, because he was left in his T-shirt and underwear. Then he pulled off his T-shirt, ruffled his hair, and made Drew very, deeply grateful that Jeff was not self-conscious in the least.
“Thanks for putting up with me,” Jeff said.
“It’s okay,” Drew said.
“I’ll get over it and shape up any day now.”
Drew smiled. “Good luck with that.”
Jeff laughed. “Yeah, thanks.”
Drew’s gaze traced the line of hair coming down from Jeff’s navel.
Jeff looked like he was deep in thought.
Probably thinking about Nick. Again. Jeff was always thinking about Nick. Jeff never wasted more than a second thinking about Drew. Drew was right in front of him, goddamned in love with him, and he was thinking about Drew’s married brother.
Drew kissed him. It was awkward, and too hard, and Jeff didn’t kiss him back.
“What are you doing?” Jeff asked, when Drew let him go.
“Kissing you,” Drew said, and did it again. It went a little better. Softer, and when he put his hand on Jeff’s back, Jeff relaxed into the kiss slightly, enough to let him think that maybe, just maybe, he could get Jeff to kiss him back. “How drunk are you?”
Jeff’s gaze was on his mouth. “I must be drunk off my ass, because I think you’re kissing me.”
“Are you drunk enough to let me do this?”
“Do what?”
“Pretend I can have you.”
Jeff’s eyes met his.
Drew forced himself to hold still.
Jeff’s eyes widened in recognition.
Drew didn’t want to see the pity hit, and he knew it was coming, so he closed his eyes and kissed Jeff again.
This time, Jeff kissed him back.
Drew took full, hot advantage of it, taking Jeff’s hips in his hands, bringing Jeff close against his body. Jeff was all smooth skin over hard muscle. Drew had made up a number of fantasies about what it would be like, his first kiss with Jeff, the kiss he’d known would never come. There had been several scenarios, some with incredibly vivid detail, but this was actually happening. The shocking fact of Jeff’s skin under Drew’s hands made everything seem less, and more, real. He slid his hands over Jeff’s naked arms, feeling muscle shift as Jeff’s hands rose to cup his face. He tilted for a better angle, moaning at the stroke of Jeff’s thumb along his cheek, the stroke of Jeff’s tongue into his mouth. His body was hot, and his dick was hard, and he was going to make this happen.
“Wait.”
Fuck. Anger rushed Drew, and he stepped back, separating himself from Jeff, feeling his jaw clench. He knew that he was glaring, using anger to defend himself from the pain of rejection, but when he managed to look at Jeff the anger weakened and failed him. Jeff looked unsure, confused, surprised, and so handsome it hurt.
“What… I don’t think we should do this,” Jeff said. He raised one hand, rubbing it over his hair.
“Why not?” Drew asked. Jeff was half-naked, and still partially hard, and Drew wasn’t walking away from this without a fight. This was the closest he’d ever been to what he wanted, maybe the closest he’d ever get.
“This could fuck up our friendship,” Jeff said.
“It’s just sex,” Drew said. He wanted what he wanted, and he wanted it tonight. He’d worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.
“It’s not just sex,” Jeff said. “I’m drunk, not stupid, so don’t lie to me.”
Drew crossed his arms over his chest, wanting to defend himself, not knowing how. He’d exposed something very personal, very private, and now it was out there, for Jeff to question, examine, and remember. He couldn’t take it back. Jeff was right; this could fuck up their friendship. Maybe it already had.
“Can I ask…how long?” Jeff asked.
Truth be told, Jeff didn’t really have a right to that information, and Drew had no reason to give it to him. Drew had already given too much of himself tonight; he shouldn’t risk more. But a part of him wanted Jeff to know, to understand. “A while.” That didn’t begin to cover it. “Longer than you’ve wanted Nick.”
A look, almost shock, passed over Jeff’s face. They all knew how long Jeff had been in love with Nick. It hadn’t been a short time.
Drew wondered if there was any way that this night could end well.
Jeff sat on the foot of the bed, lowering his head, rubbing his forehead.
Drew wanted to hate Jeff for not wanting him. There was no reason Jeff shouldn’t want him. There was nothing wrong with him. He wasn’t as good-looking as Nick? He wasn’t the big star like Nick was? He loved Jeff more than Nick ever would.
But Jeff didn’t love him.
He made Jeff laugh, he made Jeff smile, but he’d never make Jeff happy. Not while Jeff was hung up on Nick.
That hurt. Hurt in ways only the truth could.
Even if he fought for this, he’d lose. And he might lose even more in the battle than he’d already lost now. There was no point to it. If he left now, maybe he could salvage some of his pride, some of Jeff’s respect.
Drew stepped back. “I’ll go,” he said, because Jeff looked lost to thought again, and he didn’t want to walk away without his absence being noticed. He didn’t want to be that insignificant in Jeff’s world.
“No.” Jeff raised his head. “I want you to stay.”
Stay? For what?
“What if we do this tonight?” Jeff asked.
It was what Drew wanted, but it wasn’t. “We can do it, if you want it,” he said. “But I can’t stay. You won’t want to face me in the morning, and I won’t want to face you not wanting to face me.”
Jeff stood, reaching for him, drawing him in. “I’m not going to regret it tomorrow.”
“You will,” Drew said, but he was already sliding his arms around Jeff’s waist, letting his eyes drift shut at the feel of Jeff’s hands stroking across his shoulders, up his neck.
“You never said anything,” Jeff said quietly.
Drew kissed him, and god, it was good, and Jeff was kissing back without hesitation. He took what he needed from Jeff’s mouth, tightening his embrace to bring Jeff flush to his body. “What do you want me to say now?”
Jeff’s fingers were in his hair, stroking down the side of his face. “You don’t have to tell me anything. Just…show me,” Jeff whispered, and kissed him again.
Drew moaned, kissing back with quickly rising passion as he pushed through years of reinforced restraint. He was pushing down Jeff’s underwear, and Jeff was pulling off his shirt, and he was pushing Jeff back onto the bed, and Jeff’s hands were opening his pants, freeing his thick, hard dick.
They made love. He showed Jeff everything he’d kept hidden, all of his lust and desire, all of his love and need. He’d been holding back for so long, letting it free in one wild rush almost overwhelmed them both. By the time their bodies were sated, his heart felt lighter than it had in a long, long time.
There was nothing left for him to do, but wait to see what the morning would bring.
Drew didn’t want to fall asleep. This was probably the only night he’d ever have with Jeff like this, and he didn’t want to miss it.
Jeff kissed him slowly, lightly, and looked into his eyes, fingertips grazing his mouth. He tried to memorize this moment. He knew it would never come again. He’d taken this chance, and he’d gotten one night from it. He wouldn’t get another.
“Drew,” Jeff said. Slow, gentle kiss. “You have to be sick of me talking about Nick, but I have to explain something to you.”
He didn’t want to hear it. “You don’t have to-”
“Shut up and let me talk,” Jeff said, and kissed him again. Drew kissed back, eyes closing, one hand tracing the map of muscle across Jeff’s back. “I didn’t know,” Jeff said softly, breaking their kiss. Drew opened his eyes. “I didn’t know this was here for me. I didn’t know you were offering anything like this. Nick offered me something, once, and then he took it back without warning, and… I got caught up in that, in what I couldn’t have, and I forgot that there were other things out there.” Jeff kissed him again, pressing closer, pushing him onto his back. “You should have told me.”
Drew groaned at the slide of skin on skin, urging Jeff’s groin against his.
“Tell me now,” Jeff said.
No. He’d already shown Jeff everything. “You tell me,” he said instead, sliding his hands down to Jeff’s waist.
“I want you,” Jeff whispered, kissing him among the words, grinding slowly against him, fingers sliding up into his hair. “I want this.”
Drew wanted to believe it. “You’re still in love with him.”
Jeff rolled, pulling him along, bringing him on top. “I’m never going to have him. I want to try wanting something I can have.”
Drew looked into Jeff’s eyes, searching for something he could count on. “So do I.”
Jeff smiled slightly in understanding, stroking Drew’s shoulders. “I want you to stay.”
Drew was tempted. So tempted, the decision was already made for him. “You don’t have to make more of this than there is. If it’s comfort sex, that’s all it is.” That wouldn’t satisfy him, wouldn’t give him what he truly needed, but it would be some small comfort to him if he could provide comfort to Jeff. If Jeff wanted to take pleasure from his body, that was what he would give. It wasn’t a selfless act; it brought them closer, at least in the short-term, and it gave him access to explore Jeff’s body. Jeff’s incredible, muscular body. The body he’d just - - god, tonight was going to provide him with a thousand hot, imperfect memories.
“It’s not comfort sex,” Jeff said, and kissed him like his mouth a was a basic necessity, like food or water or air. “It’s not a distraction from something. It’s the beginning of something.”
Drew wanted to believe that.
Jeff kissed him, rolling them over again, moaning into his kiss and loving his body with hot, lingering hands.
Drew started to believe it.
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