Copyright April 17, 2004 by Matthew Haldeman-Time
Rating: G
Pairing: none visible, end-of-"Living" pairings assumed
Disclaimer: The young men who comprise 98 Degrees, the Backstreet Boys, and *NSYNC are their own people. So is Aaron Carter. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.
Wherein Nick talks to Aaron, Aaron talks to Nick, and Matthew commits even more libel than usual.
Notice: This story takes place in the middle of "Where You Belong" part 68. I wanted to write this scene within the part, but then I decided that I was spending way too much of the end of the series on a brand-new character, so I didn't write it. Then Diamond said that she wanted it there after all. I stuck with my original decision not to include it in "Where You Belong," but here it is, for those of you who want it.
Second notice: All right, so I'm pretty much making Nick and Aaron's
family members out to be villains. I've never met them, I have no
idea what they're like in real life, and I don't want anyone to think that
this is intended as truth. Please don't sue me, because if I ever
do meet Nick Carter, I don't want that to be how.
Aaron sat beside him. Not as close as Aaron had used to, before. That was fine, that was normal; the older Aaron got, the less likely it was for him to act like Nick was furniture, or an extension of himself. It still twisted a little inside Nick’s stomach, though, because it wasn’t a natural part of Aaron growing up, it was one of the dozens of side effects of brainwashing, suspicion, and fear.
Was this a result of “all gay men are pedophiles” or a result of “don’t let a gay man get too close to you; it’s catching?”
He wasn’t mad at Aaron. He wasn’t. He never had been. He was pretty much incapable of it. He especially couldn’t be today, because Aaron had come. Aaron had come. To his wedding. He’d married Brian and Drew, and all of the guys plus Aaron had been there for it. This was the highlight day of his entire fucking life.
Aaron was looking nervous, a little skittish around the eyes, long-fingered hands clenched tight, probably tighter than Aaron was aware of. All of Aaron’s fingernails were chewed off, and Nick didn’t think he was self-centered to assume that they’d been chewed off from Aaron’s stress over today, and him.
Their eyes met, and Aaron almost looked away again, almost smiled at Nick, settled for running his fingers through his hair and expelling a slow breath. “You’re married.”
“Yeah,” Nick said, letting a smile take over his face.
“You, um… Drew seems…nice.”
“I wish you knew him better,” Nick said. He wished Aaron and Drew knew each other at all. That would stop hurting maybe a little in his next lifetime.
“I’ve seen him,” Aaron said. “You know, around. And on TV. He’s younger than Brian, isn’t he?”
“Yeah,” Nick said. He knew what was coming. He waited for it.
“He’s kind of short,” Aaron said.
Nick grinned. “I like him short.”
“I guess Brian’s still Brian,” Aaron said. “He seems the same.”
The same as when Aaron had seen him last. That had been how many years ago? “Yeah,” Nick said. “He’s been really tense, so he’s been less crazy, but I think he’s getting over it.”
“Tense?” Aaron asked.
“Yeah,” Nick said. He didn’t want to get into that. There was too much to explain, and a lot of it had too much to do with their family, and Nick wanted to avoid that subject for as long as possible. If possible.
Aaron shifted, turning more towards Nick, resting an elbow on the back of the couch. He scratched his forehead. His eyes shifted uneasily. “Were you two… Did you... When did you start?”
“Start what?” Nick asked, before his brain made the obvious connection. “When did we start being more than just friends?”
“I don’t get it,” Aaron said. “What happened to you?” he demanded, suddenly sounding angry, looking pissed off. “What’s wrong with you? You used to do girls, I know you were fucking girls, what happened?!”
“I was with girls because I was supposed to be with them,” Nick said. “They were nice. They were pretty. I liked them. I just didn’t… I could never be in love with them, the way I’m in love with Brian and Drew. I never wanted them the way I want Brian and Drew.” He couldn’t talk like that in front of Aaron, he’d get smacked across the mouth for it, but he didn’t know how else to explain.
“But you were with girls before. You could be now. Everything would be so much easier,” Aaron said.
“I’d be fucking miserable,” Nick said. “I know that’s not supposed to be as important as everything else, but these days that actually matters to me.”
Aaron lowered his gaze to the cushion between them. Scratched his head. Looked unhappy.
Nick tried to remember the last time he’d seen Aaron happy. Honestly and truly happy, not smiling at the mouth but stressed and haunted behind the eyes. He couldn’t remember the last time that had happened, but then again, maybe Aaron was happy whenever he wasn’t around. Maybe he was the one ruining Aaron’s life. That was what everyone else said.
“What’s your place like?” Aaron asked, raising his eyes.
“Small and cheap,” Nick said. “We were trying to do things on a small scale because we didn’t want a lot of attention, but that didn’t work, so there’s no reason not to go for what we want, now.”
Aaron unknotted his tie, pulling it loose. Gaze lowered again, he said, “When Mom finds out I’m here… She’s going to fire Andre.”
“He can get a job with us any time he wants.” Nick watched Aaron twist his tie. “Are you happy?”
“I miss you,” Aaron said without meeting his eyes. “I was born into this world with a brother already here waiting for me, and I don’t think I was meant to live without one.”
Oh, hell, “Aaron,” Nick said, wrapping his arms around Aaron, pulling him closer. “God, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. You know I’d be calling you every day and seeing you all of the time if I could. You’d get fucking sick of me. But I can’t, I just can’t, you know that. This wasn’t my choice.”
“You chose to be gay,” Aaron said, tensing, pulling back.
“I chose to - - I didn’t choose this,” Nick said. “I didn’t choose to lose my entire family, I didn’t choose to alienate my biggest fan base, I didn’t choose to hurt everyone, I didn’t choose to have my lover fucking gunned down. No one chooses to be hated. I am gay, I was born gay, I’ll fucking die gay. I chose to be with Brian and Drew, yeah, that was a choice. That’s a fucking blessing.”
“Blessing?” Aaron demanded. “You call that a blessing? You put your mouth on another man’s dick! You’re not blessed, you’re a freaking faggot pervert!”
Nick stared at him. He’d heard those words before, too many times, but never from Aaron. Not Aaron.
Aaron turned his head.
“Brian and Drew are blessings to me,” Nick said. “They gave me love. They helped me to love myself. I used to hate myself. I never respected myself. I thought I was a stupid, worthless whore, and a lot of other things, too. I’m different now. They’re amazing, amazing people, and I am blessed to have them in my life, especially the way I do. They’ve changed my life. They’ve made it better.”
“I didn’t mean it,” Aaron muttered.
“Then apologize to me,” Nick said.
“If you didn’t have them, you…you’d…”
“What?” Nick asked.
“If you didn’t have them, you’d come back,” Aaron finally said, meeting his gaze again. “If it weren’t for Brian and Drew, none of this would be like this.”
“You’re blaming them?” Nick asked, shocked. What the hell kind of twisted - - oh. Oh, right. “Everyone else blames them,” Nick said.
“Them, or you,” Aaron said.
“And you believe that?” Nick asked.
“It’s at least partly true,” Aaron said.
Nick looked into his eyes. “Tell me you’re happy.”
“I don’t have anywhere to go,” Aaron said. “I don’t know how to get out.” Nick could see him pull back internally, afraid of having said too much. “But I’m older. I can deal with it.”
“You think you’re trapped,” Nick said. “Aaron, you don’t have to stay there. You are older. That means you can get out.”
“How many times can I sue Mom?” Aaron asked.
Nick had to smile.
“I’ll be okay,” Aaron said. “You’re happy, aren’t you? You seem really happy here. With them.”
“I am happy,” Nick said. “I love my life as much as I can without having you in it.” He wanted to touch Aaron, but he didn’t want to be rejected. “I don’t want you to be ‘okay.’ I want you to be happy. I know what it was like for me. I know it’s worse for you. You’re different. It’s changing you. I don’t want that.”
“I’m sorry for what I said,” Aaron said. “I want you to be happy. Brian always made you happier than anyone else could.”
“Anyone except you,” Nick said.
“I always knew you loved me,” Aaron said. “Even when they said you didn’t.”
Nick’s heart skipped an awful beat. “They told you that I don’t love you?”
“I knew you did,” Aaron said. “I didn’t understand a lot of what was going on, but I always knew you loved me.”
“I’ve loved you since you were a tiny screaming baby with a nasty diaper,” Nick said. “I’ve loved you more than I’ve loved anyone. I mean, lately, Brian and Drew are kind of important, too, but you know I love you. I’ve never stopped. I never will stop. God. Jesus. Fuck. Being cut off from you has been killing me, and I kept trying to tell myself that it was for your own good, that they were only protecting you, but… God, Aaron, I miss you every day.”
Aaron hugged him. Tightly. “I know,” Aaron said. “Me, too.”
Nick closed his eyes. “I’ll do anything for you. You can ask me for anything. I want to help you.”
“There’s nothing you can do,” Aaron said.
“We’ll think of something,” Nick said.
“I’ll be okay,” Aaron said.
“I’ll make sure you are,” Nick said. It was supposed to be a promise, but it came out sounding like a threat. Aaron laughed, releasing him and sitting back.
They talked a little bit about Aaron’s work, and Aaron’s girlfriends. Nick told him about the Fools, and then, since he asked, about the other guys. Aaron asked about Drew, too, how they’d met, what Drew was like.
“I have to go back downstairs,” Nick said. “Can you stay?”
“I don’t know,” Aaron said.
“There’s food,” Nick said.
“I don’t think I’m ready to see a lot of… You should be affectionate, you just got married, I’m just not used to it. Especially when it’s you.”
“I won’t even kiss them,” Nick said. “No one’s going to be doing anything. Maybe dancing, later.”
“It’s your reception,” Aaron said. “You should…kiss.”
“Drew doesn’t like public affection like that, anyway,” Nick said. Well, Drew hadn’t, before; he probably wouldn’t mind, today. “Don’t worry about it. Don’t look at JC and Justin, and you’ll be fine. Stay for the food, at least.”
“Okay,” Aaron said. “I am hungry.”
“Thank you for coming,” Nick said. “You know you made my day.”
“I thought getting married made your day,” Aaron said.
“Oh, who cares about that,” Nick said. “You’re here.”
Aaron grinned.
“You look good,” Nick said. “You look ten years older every time I see you. And taller.”
“You look good, too,” Aaron said. “And happy.”
Nick hugged him. “I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I’m going to make sure you’re happy, too.”
“I love you,” Aaron said quietly by his shoulder.
Nick squeezed him, kissed his temple, kissed his forehead. “I love you, too. And I’m going to do what all big brothers do. I’m going to take care of you.”
“I can take care of myself,” Aaron said, trying to sound insistent but failing.
“I can do a better job,” Nick said. “Come on, let’s go eat. You’re sitting beside Kevin, but if he gets annoying, kick him or something.”
“Can I kick you when you get annoying?” Aaron asked as they rose.
“I kick back,” Nick said, opening the door.
“Yeah,” Aaron said, “I know,”
and he sounded just like Nick remembered, irritated and young, put-upon
and much maligned by the world in general and his older brother specifically.
Nick grinned, warm and hopeful, and put his arm around Aaron’s shoulders,
walking him to the elevator.