Hardware
Copyright January 29, 2005 by Matthew Haldeman-Time
Rating: R
Pairing: Benji Madden/Paul Thomas
Disclaimer: The young men who comprise Good Charlotte are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.
Paul and Benji being way too close to each other in the “Lifestyles” video? Benji kissing Paul on the cheek during their VMA performance? Yeah, I like it.
Someday, I will have my Joel/Nick, Benji/Nick story finished. Ah, someday…
Paul had trouble watching Benji eat.
No, that wasn’t true. Technically, Paul had trouble not watching Benji eat. He had an odd - - sick? - - fascination with Benji’s mouth. With watching things go into and come out of Benji’s mouth. The fork went in, the fork came out.
The problem was - - well, besides the main problem, which was that Paul was probably a disturbed perv - - that he kept getting caught staring. Benji would catch his attention, and he’d start to watch, and he’d tell himself that he’d look away in another second…
And then he’d become really just fascinated by the whole fork going into Benji’s mouth thing, followed by the fork coming out of Benji’s mouth.
And then he’d realize that Benji was looking at him, and that he was leaning forward and staring a little too intently and even frowning, right at Benji’s mouth.
So far no one had actually called him a sick, disturbed, lecherous perv yet - - not about this, anyway - - but it was only a matter of time.
It was just that Benji, well, Benji had two lip rings and two studs, and that was just a lot of metal for one person’s mouth.
He kept wondering what it would be like to kiss Benji. He’d kissed girls with tongue rings before, but that was different. He’d kissed Billy, but Billy only had one lip ring, not four. Four…that was a lot.
Benji looked great, of course. That wasn’t even the issue. But Paul had this weird, persistent image of trying to get Benji to give him head, of aiming his hard dick at Benji’s mouth, of trying to get his dick past all of that metal. Sometimes that idea was kind of scary. Sometimes it made him hard. No…usually it made him hard.
The hardware on Benji’s mouth was like a warning. A deterrent. A barrier. No one could even kiss Benji without being willing to put up with difficulty and imperfection.
That was Benji. Complicating a simple kiss.
Billy said that Benji piercing his lips to that extent was Benji’s attempt to try to draw more attention to his mouth; with Joel as the lead singer, everybody was paying attention to Joel’s mouth, to what Joel sang, to what Joel said. Benji, according to Billy, was trying to get some of that attention back.
Paul didn’t know anything about that. He wasn’t ready to go that far into it. But Benji had drawn more attention to his mouth. And when Paul looked at Benji’s mouth, he noticed all of that gleaming hardware. Then he noticed the sweet pink color of Benji’s lips. Then he noticed how soft Benji’s lips looked, behind the metal. Then he noticed that he was getting turned on. Then he saw a shrink.
Okay, so he hadn’t seen a shrink. But he needed to, if he was checking out Benji. His brain couldn’t possibly, couldn’t seriously be thinking about…
Well, maybe he was thinking about it, but thinking didn’t mean anything. He didn’t really, he didn’t actually…
It wasn’t like…
Benji reached across the table and pushed on his forehead. “Get out of my grill. I don’t even want to know why you keep staring at me like that.”
“I think he wants to jump you,” Joel said like he was reporting the weather. “Give me the ketchup.”
Billy handed Joel the ketchup, giving Paul an “are you going to do something about this?” look.
Paul went back to his food.
Billy kicked him under the table.
He ignored it, pretending to be giving his full attention to his food, keeping his gaze on his plate.
Billy kicked him harder.
Paul should’ve put on jeans instead of shorts.
Billy kicked him even harder.
Paul turned his head and glared at Billy.
Billy raised his eyebrows and widened his eyes and looked like he was trying to communicate telepathically.
“Can somebody help you?” Joel asked them.
“Not usually,” Benji said.
Paul couldn’t help it; he tore his gaze away from Billy and looked. The fork tines slipped from between Benji’s lips and-
“What?!” Benji demanded. “I’m eating here! Can I eat without being gawked at?!”
“Not really,” Joel said. “You are kind of funny-looking.”
“And proud of it,” Benji agreed. “You should be used to it,” he told Paul. “You’ve seen me being funny-looking since we met. What’s different? Is there something hanging out of my nose? Is my eyeliner fucked up?”
“Your eyeliner’s always fucked up,” Billy said, grinning.
“Too bad I’m not as good as you, Mary Kay,” Benji said.
“Can I talk to you somewhere else?” Paul asked Benji.
Everyone looked at him.
Paul felt himself turning red. He really wished that he hadn’t said that. First of all, once he was alone with Benji, what did he think that he was going to say? Secondly, when did anyone ever have to say something in private? They were a pretty open group. They never kept anything from each other. He’d never said or done anything that he had to keep from one of them.
“Sounds important,” Joel said, eyeing him casually.
“It’s not,” Paul said quickly, deciding to take it back. “I-”
“It is,” Billy said.
“It’s not,” Paul insisted.
“It is,” Billy insisted, giving him a hard look.
“It’s not,” Paul said, glaring at Billy.
“Maybe it is,” Joel said.
“Maybe it’s not!” Paul exclaimed.
“Okay,” Benji said. Paul wanted to crawl under the table and never come out. He couldn’t even look at Benji, so he went back to glaring at Billy. Trust Billy to know exactly what was going on inside his head, and call him on it. “I’m going to walk back to the hotel. Anybody want to come with me? Paul?”
“Uh,” Paul scrambled quickly for an excuse and gratefully found one, “I’m not finished eating.”
“Yes, you are,” Billy said.
“No, I’m not,” Paul said, gesturing pointedly to his plate.
Billy picked up his water glass and emptied it over Paul’s plate, drowning the food. “You’re finished.”
“Dude,” Joel said. “It’s that serious?”
“It’s not serious!” Paul said, trying to keep his voice below a shout and barely succeeding. Heads were starting to turn, more than usual.
“You shouldn’t eat that shit anyway,” Billy said.
“Billy’s riled up,” Joel said.
“Billy’s riled up,” Benji agreed, and got to his feet. “Come on, Paul, come back to the hotel and you can get something from room service.”
He was going to order a nice thick steak. Or maybe even veal. And name it Billy. Paul stood, giving Billy one final “I’m going to get you for this” look.
“Don’t chicken out,” Billy said calmly, and went back to his meal.
Paul reached for his water glass and-
“Whoa, hold on there, cowboy.” Benji took the glass from him, handing it to Joel who set it out of reach. “I think it’s time for the two of you to be separated.”
“Or you could kiss and make up,” Joel suggested with an evil leer.
“Filthy pervert,” Benji said, “you know men
can’t kiss in public. It’s disgusting. What’s wrong with you?” He shook his
head. “I’m ashamed of you sometimes.”
“I’m always ashamed of you,” Joel said, “so we’re even.”
Benji grinned.
Paul wanted to have sex with Benji. He also wanted to find a way to avoid exposing that little truth for the rest of his life. Except, if he didn’t say anything, Billy would. At least if he broke the news himself, he’d have some control over how it was phrased. Billy would probably just say, “Paul wants to have sex with you,” or something calm and direct like that. Paul scared himself just thinking about that. No, he had to talk to Benji himself, before Billy decided to do it for him.
“Let’s go,” Benji said, and started walking away.
Paul gave Billy one last threatening look, and Billy gave him an “it’ll be okay” look, and that made him feel better, damn it. He followed Benji.
They talked about their next show on the way to the hotel. It was way too short of a walk, just across the parking lot; and way too soon, they were going into Benji and Joel’s room.
Paul hesitated just inside the door. “I’ll just-”
“If you don’t come in and close the door and talk to me, Billy’s going to do it for you,” Benji said. “It’s okay with me either way, but if it’s a you thing, I’d rather hear it from you and not from somebody else.”
It was a him thing. It was definitely a him thing. Paul made himself close the door, but he didn’t get any closer to Benji.
“You want to order something to eat?” Benji asked.
“No.” He didn’t want to prolong this any more than he had to. He’d rather just say it and leave. It wasn’t that he thought that Benji would get mad at him, he just thought that once Benji knew about it, things were going to get really, really awkward, and he didn’t want that. Everything was based on their dynamic as a group. If things changed, if situations started to get awkward, they were screwed.
“Either you have a problem with me, or you think that I’m about to have a problem with you,” Benji said, crossing his arms over his chest. “What’s the problem?”
Paul had never intended to tell Benji, so he had no idea how to phrase it. He had to get the words out, somehow. “I’ve been, when I, you… You make my dick hard and that makes me want to fuck you.” Oh, shit. That was what his brain had chosen? Those were the words he’d decided on? Could he be handling this with any less competence?
Benji looked…confused. Surprised. “How the hell did that happen?”
Paul was glad that Benji was as floored by it as he’d been. “I don’t know.” Hell, that was a lie. “I think it’s your mouth.”
“What about my mouth?” Benji demanded. “It’s the same mouth I’ve always had. Hell, it’s pierced up and I’m always frowning.”
“I…kind of like that,” Paul confessed.
“You’ve always been so weird,” Benji said.
“I know.” He was the normal one. That made him the weird one. That was why he loved GC. “Do you want me to go? I’d kind of like to leave the room now.”
“I thought you wanted to have sex,” Benji said.
“I… What?” Paul hadn’t exactly been ready to be confronted about it. Then again, he was dealing with Benji; what else had he expected?
Benji was walking closer to him. Paul tried not to back up. Benji was gorgeous in a way that not everybody saw and dangerous in a way that not everybody understood and intense in a way that no one could miss. “You said that you wanted to fuck me.” Benji was looking right at him, and Paul was trapped by his gaze, unable to look away, unable to turn away. Maybe it was the dark of his eyes, or the focus of his stare, or just the force of his personality. Benji was so damned compelling. “You like my mouth?”
Paul swallowed. “Yeah.” He wished that he were closer to the door, so he could lean back against it. He needed support; he wasn’t sure how he was standing on his own.
Benji grinned. A knowing, daring, lecherous grin. “You want to make out?”
It was an offer. It was an invitation. Paul couldn’t believe it. “What?”
“Does being horny make you stupid?” Benji asked, placing a hand on the side of his neck, fingers stroking lightly behind his ear.
Paul shivered, turned on, too excited by one simple touch. “Yeah,” he admitted.
Benji laughed, drawing him in, leaning closer. “Let’s make out.”
Paul was barely breathing, fascinated by the parting of Benji’s lips. “I love your mouth,” he whispered.
“Yeah?” Benji asked, and their eyes met, and they were so close Paul could see everything in Benji’s eyes, the good things and the bad things and the scary things and the scared things. Benji was anything but perfect; and to Paul, that made Benji beautiful.
Paul swallowed. “I love you.” He didn’t know what else to say. “I hope that’s okay.”
Benji lowered his lashes, breaking the intense connection of their locked gazes. His fingers caressed the side of Paul’s neck. Paul didn’t expect anything extremely hideous to happen; he just wanted Benji to look at him again.
“It’s okay,” Benji said, dark lashes lifting, Benji’s eyes looking at him, looking into him. “That would never not be okay.” Benji’s other hand squeezed his arm, getting his attention. “It is always okay for you to love me.”
Paul nodded, scared inside about having all of this out there in the open, but doing his best not to show it. It was good to have it out there, though, so the whole feeling it but hiding it and trying not to show it part could be over. He hated hiding things. He sucked at hiding things. “Okay.”
Benji’s thumb brushed the corner of Paul’s mouth. Benji’s smile was small, but real. “Let’s make out.”
God, yes. Paul put his hands on Benji’s hips, sliding his palms up Benji’s sides, unable to believe that he had permission to do it. Benji knew how he felt. Benji said that it was okay. Benji’s body was warm and solid in his hands. Benji was grinning and Paul wanted to kiss his mouth.
“Make a deal?” Benji asked, fingers stroking behind his ear again, into his hair. Benji kissed him, a simple press of lips to lips, but he hadn’t been ready for it and his dick twitched, his hands tightening and pulling Benji against his body. Benji grinned at his reaction and did it again. Too-brief pressure of soft lips, brush of metal. “I’ll lick your dick if you’ll lick mine.”
Paul stared stupidly. He was going to… He could… Benji… “You don’t have to.”
“I don’t do things I don’t want to do,” Benji said.
That was true. Paul couldn’t stop rubbing his hands over Benji’s back. It felt good to touch Benji. Too good to stop. His dick was getting harder, and he was forcing himself to hold his hips still but Benji had to be able to feel it. Benji didn’t seem to mind. Hell, Benji was offering to lick it. Paul couldn’t believe this was actually happening to him. If he’d known Benji would be this okay with everything, he would’ve said something long ago.
He kissed Benji. Closing his eyes, Paul let the tip of his tongue find the stud just below the center of Benji’s lower lip. Benji made a turned-on sound and pressed closer to his body, both hands in his hair now. Paul sucked on Benji’s lower lip, licking over his lip rings, licking into his mouth and making him moan. Benji's kiss was fast and deep and wet, his tongue bold, his lips soft, the bits of smooth metal distracting and arousing as they pressed and rubbed and rolled over Paul's lips. Paul found himself licking and sucking greedily at Benji's kiss, letting his hormones make him stupid and eager, and Benji moaned again, kissing him harder, kissing him deeper.
There was a knock on the door. “Hey, Benj, you in there?”
Benji made an irritated sound, pushing Paul behind him and yanking the door open. “We’re having sex, do you mind?” he demanded, closing the door in Joel’s startled face and locking it. “Come on,” he said, tugging Paul closer and renewing their embrace, his mouth kissably close, his arms wrapping around Paul’s neck. His smile was warm and knowing as his gaze lifted from Paul’s mouth to Paul’s eyes. “We haven’t even started talking about what I like about you.”
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