Copyright November 21-January 17, 2001 by Matthew Haldeman-Time

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise 98 Degrees, the Backstreet Boys, and *NSYNC are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life.  This writing is a work of fiction.  I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor, the Savage Garden slashers, and anyone who's actually following this series.

Notice: "Living" series: "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," and "Rest in Peace."

        He scooted out from under Brian and eased himself free from Nick.  The two of them shifted closer together, settling in comfortably again.

        He visited the bathroom and pulled on his gym shorts and T-shirt.

        As if his sex life could have gotten any more interesting, now he wasn't a virgin anymore.

        He didn't feel any different.  He'd discreetly touched the muscle, and it was a bit tender.  And he did feel happier, in a sort of trembling, on-the-verge-of-greatness kind of way.

        He opened the closet door to get his sneakers and saw the boxes that Nick said didn't exist.  If Nick didn't want him to see, then he wouldn't look.

        Well, he wouldn't open them.  That would be wrong.  Respecting privacy and everything.

        Still, he could glance at the outsides of the boxes.

        He looked.

        Glitter.

        Glitter.

        Glitter.

        They were cases of glitter.

        Gold.  Blue.  Purple.

        Purple.

        "I want to make him purple."

        Drew sat.

        "Brin.  Brin."  Nick sounded half-asleep.

        "Nt?" Brian asked.

        "Whir'sdrw?"

        "Weightrom," Brian said.

        They went back to sleep.

        Drew thought.

        He closed the closet door and returned to the bed.  Nick was taking up space again, so he got in behind Brian.

        Brian rolled over and snuggled up to him.

        Then Brian's hands tugged at his clothes.  Brian made an unhappy noise and burrowed closer, as though trying to get through this barrier.  He pulled off his clothes and dropped everything to the floor.  Brian made a very contented noise and subsided.

        Drew ran his fingers down Brian's back and thought.

        JC had never wanted him more.

        Last night had been incredible.  Beyond words.  And only the beginning.

        Everything was different now.

        Justin had said no.  Said no to him.  Not for the sake of rejecting him, not to push him away, but simply because Justin hadn't been happy with what he was doing.

        And then there had been that pause.  When they'd registered, together, the significance of Justin saying no and meaning no and being able to express it in a mature manner.  And then Justin had turned to him, and asked him to make love, and he had.

        That didn't mean that they had no worries.  There were problems, still.  There always would be.  But Justin had put some space between them in that "JC, no," and that was what Justin had wanted.  Justin had wanted the ability to live on his own terms, and that night he'd made a term.

        And last night.  Last night.  Last night had been the way it used to be, making love and meaning it, expressing their need and devotion.  Justin had been pure and alive.  JC had tasted his beauty.

        If only they could do that again.  Once more.

        Justin was his life.  His inspiration.  His reason for existing.  He wanted to see, touch, breathe, live, feel, eat, sleep, and drink Justin.  Sometimes there was nothing else, nothing else at all.

        Yes, he had friends, he had a job, he had a life.  He was still JC Chasez deep inside, and he truly did understand that the world did not revolve around one young blond.  One young, undeniably cute blond who had great natural grace and seemed to get buffer every day.  Who had serious eyes and an infectious smile and the softest, prettiest, poutiest mouth.

        JC propped himself up in bed and started to take out Justin's cornrows.

        Didn't long hair get tangled?  Knotted?  Something?

        He could have sworn that it did.

        His hair had never been as long as Howie's, but it had given him more trouble than Howie's did.

        He was beginning to suspect that Howie was perfect.

        It was alarming.

        He sought flaws.  He even quizzed Howie on potential problems.  But everything kept coming up roses.

        Speaking of roses, Howie even smelled good.  All of the time.  No, he didn't smell like roses; he smelled of faint, expensive cologne and soap and fabric softener and Howie.

        Howie's hair smelled good.  Chris, of course, had learned that quite early.

        It was also a tempting place to twist his fingers when Howie's tongue was licking over his cock.

        Wait a second.

        Brian had grown an extra arm.

        And it turned the wrong way.

        Nick patted over it.

        Oh.  Drew.

        Drew?

        He opened his eyes.  That was Drew's arm.  He pushed himself up a little and peered over Brian's shoulder.  That was Drew.  "What are you doing here?" he whispered.

        "I live here," Drew whispered back.

        "You went to get ripped."

        "I came back."

        "Come have sex with me."

        "Brian's sleeping."

        Nick ran a hand down Brian's butt and squeezed.  "Brian, wake up so we can have sex with Drew."

        "Me first," Brian said, and kissed Drew.

        "You weren't sleeping!"

        "I was," Brian said, rolling Drew onto his back.

        "Cheater!"

        "How are you?" Brian asked Drew.

        "I'm fine, how are you?" Drew asked, sliding his palm across Brian's shoulders.

        "How are you in the post-virginity department?" Nick asked.

        Drew's hand caressed Brian's nape as he whispered in Brian's ear.

        "Hey, no secrets, tell me," Nick said.  "What is he telling you?"

        Drew whispered something else in Brian's other ear.

        "Are you sure?" Brian asked.

        "Yes," Drew said.

        "Okay," Brian said.

        "Is that okay?" Drew asked, to make sure.

        "Yes," Brian said.  "Yes, it's good.  We'll do whatever you want."

        "It's not supposed to be whatever I want," Drew said.

        "And yet, somehow, it always is," Nick said.  "What are you telling Brian without me?"

        "I want to make love with Nick and Jeff tonight.  And tomorrow night I want to try the blue.  Before we do the purple."

        "You are the most nasty, perverted Drew," Nick said.  "We should have screwed you a lot sooner."

        "He isn't nasty or perverted," Brian said.  "Don't be mean to my Drew."

        "He's my Drew!  And how is any of that not perverted?"

        "It's wholesome and loving."

        "Glitter and incest are wholesome?"

        "It's...okay, so it's perverted," Brian said.  "But it's not nasty."

        "Who gets to ask the in-laws to clear their calendar?"

        "I'll talk to them," Drew said.  "Not in front of Justin."

        "Do you think he knows?" Nick asked.  "He has to know."

        "Not that we're..."  Drew tried to find the word he wanted.

        "He knows that you want each other but he doesn't know that you're going to fuck," Nick said.  "You won't tell him?"

        "He might figure it out," Drew said.  "I think he'll understand.  He knows us."

        "Hey!  How did you know about the - - you looked in the closet!" Nick exclaimed.  "Bad Drew!"

        "You were talking about it," Drew said.  "Yes, I looked.  Sorry."

        "Nosy Drew," Nick chided.  "We'll have to punish you.  How can we punish you?" he mused, idly tracing patterns on Brian's back and side.  "How do you punish Drew.  Tie him up and lick him.  All over.  All all all over.  Or make him lick you all over.  A tongue bath.  With Drewtongue.  Make him lick us all clean.  But we'll have to get each other dirty first.  But he can't help with that.  He'll just have to watch.  Bad Drews don't get sex.  That's it.  No sex."

        "What?" Brian asked.

        "No sex for Drew.  Drew doesn't get sex."

        "That might make tonight a little difficult."

        "Okay, except for that.  No sex besides that."

        "We're not having sex with Drew?"

        "No.  Let go of him."

        "Nick, this is a really bad idea."

        "He's a very naughty Drew who must be punished."

        "Why?"

        Nick couldn't remember.

        "I looked in the closet at boxes that don't exist," Drew said.

        "I think you want to get punished," Nick said.

        "I might be having sex with four people tonight," Drew said.  "Maybe making love now wouldn't be the best idea."

        "Tell me you're worried about performing," Nick said.

        "I'm not worried about it," Drew said.  "But when you think about it, that's going to be a lot of sex."

        "I want to fuck everybody and have everybody fuck me, and suck everybody and have everybody suck me," Nick said.

        "That's not going to work," Brian said.

        "We're double-teaming Nick, right?  What about Jeff?"

        "We'll have to ask him," Brian said.

        "You think they're going to want to do this tonight?" Nick asked.

        "They might not," Drew admitted.  "Things were awful yesterday."

        "Maybe they made up," Nick suggested.

        "That's pretty quick," Brian said.

        "If they're still fighting, we could do the blue glitter tonight.  Except Drew can't have sex.  So we'll lock him in the closet and have blue glitter without him."

        "That's not fair.  It was his idea," Brian said.  "We're not locking Drew in the closet."

        "He's being punished.  Naughty bad Drews don't get sex or glitter.  We'll have to tie him to the bed."

        "This doesn't sound like a punishment," Brian said.

        "That's because you're perverted."

        "I am not," Brian said, rolling over to face him.

        "You're in a threesome."

        "That's not perverted."

        "Since when?"

        "It's not!"

        "You're screwing two guys.  That's perverted.  You're about to screw your in-laws.  That's even more perverted."

        "Why do you always make everything sound worse than it really is?"

        "Why do you pretend that everything's better than it is?"

        "I'm not naive."

        "I'm not sick."

        "I never said that you were.  I never thought that you were."

        Nick saw that Brian was about to say something poetic again, so he kept quiet.

        "Drew dusted you with glitter as an expression of his love.  An expression of his sexuality.  An expression of his trust.  He's still exploring himself and this relationship.  We all are, and always will be.  Sexuality is a deep and complex thing."

        Nick got impatient and decided to interrupt before Brian got going.  "No it's not."

        "Yes, it is."

        "I want you."

        "That's not all there is to it."

        "Yes."

        "No!  Nick-"

        "I want Drew.  I'm attracted to Drew.  I want to have sex with Drew.  I'm gay.  Drew's hot.  End of story."

        "How do you want him, why do you want him, what do you want to do with him, how do you respond to what he wants-"

        "I want Drew.  Sex sex sex."

        "You're not even trying to understand."

        "You're romantic and difficult."

        "I am not."

        "Don't pout at me," Nick said.

        "I'm not pouting at you."

        "I pout better than you do."

        "I know."

        "Drew, pout for us."

        "Why?"

        "So Brian can see who pouts better."

        "I do," Drew said.

        "Prove it."

        "I'm in a good mood.  I can't."

        "You can't be in a good mood, you're being punished.  Bad Drew!  Be unhappy."

        "If I'm not getting sex, I'll go get breakfast," Drew said, and left the bed.

        "I want him," Nick said.

        "I know," Brian said.  "You can have him tonight."

        "Can I have you?"

        "Any time."

        "Tonight is either Jeff or blue glitter.  I don't know which I want more."

        "Jeff and Nick," Brian reminded him.

        "Ugh.  I don't want him."

        "Liar."

        "I want you."

        "Take me, I'm yours."

        "I can't kiss you when you're laughing."

        "Sorry."

        "Are you trying to sabotage our album?"

        "I don't need to."

        "Funny man.  You want me to stay here and have sex all morning?"

        "It'll help your reputation."

        "My rep doesn't need any help."  AJ kissed him.  "I'm going to work.  You stay here and look pretty until I get home."

        "Stay here and look pretty?" Lance repeated.

        "I'll be home by seven, I hope," he said, getting out of bed.

        "Stay here and look pretty?"

        "Lance, your record's broken."

        "Stay here and look pretty?!"

        From the left came Nick and Jeff with confident strides, looking like somebody's ass-kicking security team.

        From the right came Drew, Brian, and Nick, looking casual and sexy, like beautiful people on their day off.

        The two groups spotted each other.

        Justin ducked back into the room and closed the door.

        "Hey," Jeff said.

        "Hey," Drew said.  "You look a lot better."

        "Yeah," Jeff said.

        "Drew's not a virgin anymore," Nick said.

        "Thank you for solving my problem of how to bring that up," Drew said.

        "You're...not?" his brother asked.

        "It's a whole new world," Drew said.  "Are you two busy tonight?"

        "Say no," Nick advised quickly.

        "Tonight?" Jeff asked.

        "Don't you want to...take some time to enjoy your whole new world?" Nick asked.

        "He wants you to help him enjoy it," Nick said.  "Broaden his horizons a bit.  Was that too subtle?  Please fuck Drew and let me watch."

        "We're not talking about this in the hallway," Brian said.

        "We'll come over tonight after work?" Jeff suggested.  "We can talk."

        "Is that what they call it these days?" Nick Carter asked.

        "Come over tonight," Brian said.

        "Go do your job," Drew said.  "Be talented and productive."

        "No kiss good-bye," Nick said.  "You're being punished."

        Drew gave Brian's cheek a quick peck and ducked into the room.  Jeff and Nick followed him.

        "Bad Drew!" Nick shouted after him.  "Can't trust some people.  Short people.  They're sneaky."

        "You and Kevin and Crazy Justin can have a nice time being tall without us, then," Brian said.

        "Crazy Justin," Nick said.  "He seemed better yesterday."

        "I hope so."

        Nick Lachey came into the hallway again.  "Can I talk to you?" he asked Nick.

        "About what?" Nick asked.

        "I'll get to work," Brian said, and left them.

        Nick Lachey glanced around, then shoved Nick Carter into the wall.  "I want you to be respectful tonight.  No jokes, no cheap comments, none of your shit."

        "What the fuck?" Nick demanded.

        "You hear me, Carter?"

        "That's Carter Littrell Lachey, you fucker, let go of me.  Ow!  Shit!"

        "You hear me?!"

        "Yes, yes, damn it, let go of me.  I hear you.  I hear you!"

        "Good."  Nick released him.  "Remember that."

        "Neanderthal," Nick muttered.

        "What was that?"

        "Nothing."

        "Good."

        "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

        "Nothing."  Nick returned to the studio.

        "Nothing my ass," Nick muttered.  "Primate."

        "It's bring your boyfriend to work day," Kevin suggested.

        "My boyfriend's around here somewhere," Brian said.

        "Yeah, Kevin, where's your boyfriend?" AJ asked.

        "Brian has an extra one lying around I can borrow," Kevin said.

        "If I were you, I'd take Drew," Howie advised.

        "What makes you think I haven't?" Kevin asked.

        AJ, Howie, and Chris made "Oooohhh" noises as Brian turned to Kevin.  With a very polite smile, Brian said, "Drew wouldn't go to bed with you if you were the last man on earth with a functioning tongue.  Talk about him again and I'll hurt you."

        "He's a creative curser, isn't he?" Chris asked.

        "You should know better than to talk about Drew," AJ told Kevin.  "It's like ragging on JC in front of Justin, or vice versa.  Prepare to die."

        "Just be glad Nick isn't here," Howie added.

        "Nick's not here?" Nick asked, entering the room.  "What did he miss?"

        "Kevin's trashing Drew," AJ said.

        "Let me try bodyslamming you into the wall," Nick said.  "Oh, no, that one's already taken."

        "What's wrong?" Brian asked.

        "C'mere for a minute," Nick said, and pulled him into the hallway.  "Nick just went all apeshit on me.  I think that's what that means.  He tried to kill me.  And he was talking about respect."

        "What?"

        "He wants me to be respectful tonight.  I can't joke or make comments or anything."

        "Why?"

        "He's fucked up, that's why."

        "Let me go find out what's wrong."

        "You don't have to-"

        "You go in and do work."

        "What's Kevin saying about Drew?  Do you want me to kill him or just maim him?"

        "Yeah."

        "Yesterday everything was trashed.  It seems a lot better.  But you seem kind of...toned down."

        "I'm okay."

        "Okay."

        There was a knock; the door opened.  "Hey."

        "Brian!  You came back for me!" Drew exclaimed.

        "Where's Justin?"

        "Talking to the...the..."  Jeff blanked.

        "Somebody," Drew said.  "What do you want?"

        "Nick went running to you," Nick guessed.

        "Is everything okay?" Brian asked.

        "What did I miss?" Drew asked.

        Nick saw that Brian was going to be mature about it and not tell Drew and Jeff that he had freaked on Nick.  He respected that.  "I freaked on Nick."

        "What does that mean?" Drew asked.

        "I made a good point in a bad way," Nick said.  "Tell him I'm sorry."

        "What was your point?" Brian asked.

        "There's a point on the top of his head," Drew said, and smacked Nick there.  "What did you do to Nick?"

        "Don't hit me, you little-"

        "What did you do to Nick?"

        "I told him to be respectful tonight."

        "Respectful of what?" Jeff asked, suspicious, light dawning.

        "Nothing specific," Nick said.

        "Nick," Jeff said.  "I'm grateful but you're an idiot."

        "Like that's news," Drew said.  "What's going on?"

        "We can talk about it later," Jeff said.

        "Okay," Drew said.  "I'm going to hold you to that."

        "And I'll tell Nick I'm sorry," Nick said.  "If I have to."

        "I'll let you get back to work," Brian said, and kissed Drew.  Kissed Drew again.

        Jeff kissed him, super-fast.

        Brian blinked and left.

        Drew smiled.

        It hit him.

        Last night.

        Last night.

        Oh god, he hadn't, he hadn't, they hadn't...no, please, god, no...

        Justin's body shuddered at JC's touch.  A slow hand slid up Justin's back, then down again.  "Good morning," JC said.

        His brain screamed in denial.

        His body grew hot with desire.

        Howie shrugged and smiled.  "He wanted to come."

        "I'll bet he did.  You're not taking care of your boy?"

        "Some of us are with men, AJ," Howie said.  "You wouldn't know anything about that."

        "You want to talk low about Lance?  Your boy might not appreciate that."

        "Do I need to remind you that Chris is older than you are?"

        "Chris can be as old as he wants to be.  Maturity has nothing to do with age, D."

        "Is that why you're still as immature as you were when we met?"

        "Are we going to get any work done?" Brian asked.

        "Not with him in the room," AJ said.

        "Let him stay," Nick said.

        "Don't stick up for me," Chris said to Nick.

        "It's not like he knows enough about music to fuck up anything," Nick continued.

        "We all wish we could be as funny as you," Chris said.

        "Bet you wish you were as good-looking and well-hung, too," Nick said.

        "And as humble," Kevin said.

        "And had Brian in your bed," Nick added.

        "We all wish that," AJ said.

        "Can we just do work?" Brian asked.

        "No," everyone said.

        He knew that it wasn't real.  He knew that it was a simple thing, JC touching him.  One hand, one back.  Skin against skin.

        He could almost taste, still, the blood on his tongue.

        Last night, last night, they'd...he'd...

        "Justin."  His name, whispered like a caress.  JC's mouth gentle on his back.  JC's touch searing his side.

        "JC," he whispered, because he had to.

        "What's wrong, baby?"  JC kissed up towards his neck and waited.

        He could feel JC there, close, very close, lingering, just waiting for him to say something.  Waiting.  Like a vulture waiting for the prey to die.  "This is wrong, JC."

        He was bigger than JC, but JC knew exactly how to touch him to get him to roll onto his back.  He looked up into JC's eyes.  "What's wrong?" JC asked.

        "We're like cannibals."

        JC knew what he meant, and didn't say anything.

        "We have to stop."

        "We're starting over."

        "Starting over?  Starting over from where?  We can't start over!  We've been acting like the bitchy oversexed leads from 100 Ways to Get Yourself Committed, and you want us to start over?  Start over and, what, forget that you wanted to kill yourself and I'm dependent and you're twisted and I'm-"

        "Starting over from here," JC said.  "Right here.  Right now."

        "After last night?"

        "Yes."

        "JC, what do you think happened last night?"

        "We made love."

        "We made love."

        "Yes."

        "We acted like-"

        "Justin."

        "I licked open your back so I could taste your blood."

        "I know."

        "You-"

        "Justin."

        "You-"

        "Justin."

        "You-"

        "Justin!  I know!  I know what we did last night."

        "And you call that making love."

        "We make love every time we look at each other."

        "This isn't starting over.  You're still nuts."

        JC laughed.

        "I still say we're cannibals.  We feed off of each other.  You live on me, JC.  And I live off of you living on me.  It's not just sex.  It's how we are."

        "I know."

        "That doesn't bother you?"

        "No."

        "You're - - what happened to my hair?  You screwed with my hair!  How did I sleep through that?"

        "You were pretty wiped from last night."

        "No shit."  Justin ran his fingers through his curls and sat up a little as JC moved back.  "Does your back hurt?"

        "No."

        "I think I pulled a muscle," Justin said, rubbing the back of one thigh.  "Damn."

        "Want me to rub it for you?"

        "No thanks," Justin said. "I've got it."

        "Just offering."

        "Go get me breakfast."

        "I'm not your servant."

        "Since when?"

        "What do you want?"

        "To celebrate the fresh new start of our next psychodrama?  Strawberries and champagne."

        "You got it."  JC kissed his cheek and left the bed.

        Justin narrowed his eyes with suspicion.

        Nick kept almost but not quite touching Drew.  He kept hovering.  And he wouldn't stop treating Jeff like fragile glass, no matter how many times Jeff told him to get a grip.

        Jeff, irritated with Nick for treating him like fine china, alternately looked pissed - - at Nick - - and horny - - at Nick and Drew, which made Justin begin to wonder.

        Drew kept holding whispered conversations with Nick.  Sometimes they looked tense.  Sometimes they laughed.  Sometimes they turned red and stopped talking abruptly.

        Justin watched Drew pull Nick aside discreetly, Nick standing too close and listening too intently, Jeff watching them from his chair with dark eyes.

        Justin sighed.  If they were starting this again, they'd just better get it out of their systems before the tour started.  He did not need to share the bus with their guilt, angst, and sexual marathons.

        "Hey, it's me.  What are you doing?"

        "Nothing.  How's the album?"

        "We're almost finished.  I called your place but you weren't there."

        "I was under strict instructions to stay here."

        "You were?"

        "You told me to stay here and look pretty until you came home."

        "Right.  Hold it.  You listened to me?"

        "Yeah."

        "Lance, what are you doing?"

        "Talking on the phone with you."

        "Where are you?"

        "Your place."

        "Which room?"

        "The bedroom."

        "Where in the bedroom?"

        "On the bed."

        "What are you wearing?"

        "Nothing."

        "Nothing?"

        "You want me to put on something?"

        "No.  No.  Stay right there.  Don't move.  I'll be home in five seconds."  AJ turned off his phone and said, "We're done here, right?"

        "Almost," Howie said.

        "We're done here."

        Drew got up and said something to him quietly.  They held a brief, hushed conversation and kissed before Brian ducked out again.

        "What'd he say?" Nick Carter asked in the hallway.

        "They're almost finished," Brian said.

        "We'll have time to set out the lube and turn down the sheets," Nick said.

        "We're going to need to talk first," Brian said.

        "About why Nick's bodyslamming me?"

        "Something happened to Jeff."

        "What do you mean, something happened to Jeff?"

        "I don't know what it was.  But that's why Nick went off on you."

        "Why target me?"

        "The two of you have an antagonistic relationship."

        "We don't like each other.  He thinks I'm a perverted whore and I think he's a jackass."

        "You're both wrong."

        "No, we're both right."

        "Nickolas."  Brian stopped him.  "You know better."

        "God, don't start this."

        "I've never judged you like that, and neither has Drew.  Anyone who knows you and loves you and understands you knows that you're not like that.  We know better.  You know better."

        "Brian, come on."

        "You talk like that again and I'm going to make you make love to me.  Do you understand me?"

        "Yes," Nick muttered.

        "Do you understand me?"

        "Yes," Nick said irritably.

        "Good."  Brian kissed him.  "Come home with me."

        Justin had gotten tired of waiting, so he'd gotten up to find out what the fuck was taking so long, and JC had been gone.

        And there had been a note on the kitchen table.

        Justin-

                I went to get breakfast.

                When I come home, I want you naked in my bed.

                        -Josh

        Point number one, what was JC doing going out to get breakfast when they had food in the apartment?

        Point number two, what was this "my bed" crap?  Someone was feeling dominant today.  JC's bed.  Okay, yeah, that did give Justin a nice shimmy of heat.  He could admit it.  JC was just handing out the orders and Justin, yeah, Justin was going to take them.

        Point number three, Josh?  Josh?  Who was Josh and what had happened to JC?

        Except there had been that day.  God, when had that been?  Whenever they'd been in France.  He knew that it had been France.  They'd had the day off, a much-needed break, and they'd gone out shopping with Joey.  He remembered shopping with Joey.  And then coming back, and he'd made JC try on those jeans, and then they'd started to make out, and then...

        ...then he'd been bare-ass naked in bed, like usual, and JC had been wearing those jeans and nothing else, nothing at all, and he'd been thinking about JC's poor abused dick inside those tight jeans, and JC had been rimming him like God's glory, and he hadn't known what he was saying.  He couldn't pay attention to the words when the feelings were that intense.

        And then JC had sucked him off, and then JC had been kissing his mouth and touching him, and JC had said, "I love it when you call me Josh."

        Which had been sort of weird.  Because people called JC Josh, and JC preferred JC, and Justin knew that.  So why JC suddenly wanted to be called Josh, Justin had no clue.

        Maybe it had something to do with the way it sounded coming out of Justin's mouth when he was about to come.  Probably, to JC, Justin could recite the dictionary and it would sound hot.  JC was like that.

        Justin got naked and went to bed - - JC's bed, not their bed, JC's bed - - and read and called people and wished they had a television in their room.

        He wondered if JC would ever want to tape them doing it.  Set up a videocamera.

        He wondered if he'd want to if JC wanted to.

        He wondered if he wanted to regardless.

        Well, he was here naked in bed, where the fuck was JC?

        The front door.

        The kitchen.

        Justin settled onto his back on top of the rumpled bedclothes.  He wondered where his hands should be.

        JC came into the bedroom.  "Hi."

        "Where have you been?"

        "Out getting breakfast."  JC started to strip.

        "Where is it?  Why can't we eat it with our clothes on?"

        "That would be too messy."

        "I don't even want to know."  He tried not to stare at JC.  "Why can't I have a normal lover?"

        "You wouldn't be satisfied with someone normal."

        "I might be sane."

        "But unhappy."

        "I'm happy?"

        JC looked at him.

        "Sorry.  You know I didn't mean that."

        "It's all right.  Stay right there, just as you are, and close your eyes."

        "Is this an exercise in trust?"

        "You know I'd never hurt you."

        Justin closed his eyes and tensed.  What was JC going to do to him now?  Eat scrambled eggs off of his stomach?  Freak.

        He heard the little table being dragged in from the living room.

        Breakfast in bed.  As long as they didn't spill coffee on themselves or something, they'd be fine.  He didn't smell coffee.  He didn't smell anything.  Except he caught the faintest whiff of JC's cologne.  JC had been intelligent enough to shower and everything before leaving the house.

        He had to remember not to scratch JC's back tonight.  No clawing, no digging in his fingers or fingernails, nothing.  Let the poor man heal.

        Was he happy?  He'd never been happier.  Which was extremely strange and scary.

        "Open your eyes."

        He opened his eyes.

        What the fuck?

        JC popped the cork.

        "What the fuck?"  It was worth saying aloud.

        JC poured champagne into, what was it called, a fluted glass.  Then into another one.  Then the champagne was returned to its bucket of crushed ice, of course, and JC offered Justin a glass.

        "You're a raving lunatic."

        "Is calling me crazy becoming a form of endearment?"

        "I think so."

        "I'm not comfortable with it."

        "What do you want me to say?"

        "You could try not calling me crazy."

        "But you are."

        "So are you."

        "Only because you are."

        "Some people would call this romantic."

        "We don't do romantic.  We do obsessive."

        "It's obsessive, too."

        "Yeah, it took you twenty hours to get this stuff, that counts as obsessive."

        "It wasn't twenty hours."

        "You were gone all day."

        "You woke up late."

        "I was tired.  Which is your fault.  Hey!"

        JC set Justin's glass on the table.  "You don't get any."

        "Why not?"

        "You're being mean.  Lay back."

        "No."

        "Lay back."

        "No."

        "Justin!"

        "You wouldn't.  You wouldn't.  JC, you're not doing that to me."

        "Yes, I am."

        "Is this supposed to be romantic?  I think it's just messy."

        "That's why we're not wearing clothes."

        "Shit that's cold!"

        "It is not."

        "It is!"

        "I'll warm you up."

        "Who didn't see that one c-ooohh-c-c-coming," Justin moaned, eyes drifting shut.  "Oh, JC."

        JC licked a trail of champagne, catching it before it ran off Justin's side.  His tongue found a shallow pool of it on Justin's abdomen.  It was sweet.  It was intoxicating.

        The champagne wasn't bad, either.

        JC sat up again and reached for the glass, lifting it over Justin's chest.  He watched Justin's muscles tense in preparation.  Seconds later, he licked those muscles clean, sucked champagne from a nipple, chased drops down Justin's torso.

        Justin moaned at first, then started to pant a little when JC lapped champagne from his navel.  His cock was filling, and JC was careful not to touch it.  There would be time for that later.

        JC reached for a strawberry from the bowl on the table.  Fresh, ripe, washed, red, juicy.  "Take a bite for me, baby."

        Soft red lips parted obediently.  Even white teeth bit into the soft flesh.  Justin kept his eyes on JC.  JC kept his eyes on Justin's mouth and started to get very, very hard.

        JC loved Justin's mouth.

        He fed Justin a little more, just to watch.

        Then he kissed Justin, just to taste.

        Then he rolled Justin over and sipped champagne from Justin's back, tracing rivules of it down Justin's spine, watching it form tiny puddles in the small of Justin's back, licking it off of Justin's taut round ass.

        By the time he turned Justin over again, Justin was trying to masturbate and had started to whimper.  JC took pity and licked between Justin's thighs.  Justin's legs spread and Justin's back arched and Justin begged him.

        He dipped his finger into the champagne glass, then into Justin's body.

        "Brian, hide the llama!" Nick called.  "We have guests!"

        "What happened to the goat?" Drew asked as he followed Nick's voice to the living room.

        "Drew, you know goats are allergic to marshmallow," Nick said.  He surveyed the group.  "Are we screwing or talking first?"

        "Maybe we should talk," Brian said.

        "I'll start," Nick said.  "My name's Nick and I'm a Drewaholic.  I'm a Brianaholic, too, but that encounter group meets Tuesdays.  One of the negative side effects of my Drew addiction is that I've developed a thing for his brother."

        "A thing?" Drew repeated.

        "Yeah, a thing.  Ten inches long, white stuff shoots out the hole at the end."

        "It's not ten inches long," Brian said.

        "Two, maybe," Nick Timmons-Lachey said.

        "Like you'd know," Nick said.

        "He's about to find out," Jeff said.

        "If he's lucky," Nick Carter said.  "Where was I?"

        "Coming over Nick," Jeff said.

        "Right.  He should be so lucky.  I also have a thing for Drew's brother's husband.  Love Nick, love his Jeff.  Can we screw now?"

        "In a minute," Drew said.  "I want to know why Nick did something to you this morning."

        "He didn't do anything," Nick Carter said.

        "He did something," Drew said.

        "I told him to be respectful," Nick Timmons-Lachey said.

        "Yeah, but of what?" Jeff asked.

        "You thought that he'd be disrespectful?" Drew asked.

        "I didn't want him to...say anything, or..."

        "Like what?" Brian asked.

        "If this is about me, you're a good guy but misguided," Jeff said.  "I never asked you to do that.  I never wanted you to do that."

        "I know," Nick said, and rubbed his forehead.  "Sorry."

        "Are you apologizing to me or to Nick?" Jeff asked.

        "Both," he said, and slouched back on the sofa.

        "What happened?" Drew asked, honestly concerned.

        "They don't want to tell us," Nick Carter said.  "They don't have to tell us.  But let me tell you something," he said to Nick, "this thing only works if we're all in it.  If you're not going to respect me like a decent human being, you're not getting in my bed.  I love you, I love your Jeff.  If you love Drew, you'd better love me or I'm going to throw you out on your ass.  And that is one fine ass, so don't make me kick it."

        "You couldn't kick my ass if you tried."

        "I could lick it if I tried.  And I will.  If you show me some love and respect."

        "You'd..."  Nick's eyes flickered towards Jeff.

        "You have done that to him," Nick said to Jeff.

        "Once," Jeff said.

        "Only once?" Nick Carter demanded.  "The man's got one fine ass, and you've only licked it once?  Come on, upstairs," he said, and tugged on Nick's hand.  "I'll show you what you've been missing."

        "You can't just drag him off to bed," Drew protested.

        "You want him first?" Nick offered.

        "We need a system.  Rules."

        "Use lube, try not to tear anything, don't break the bed.  Anything else?" Nick asked.

        "Don't wake the neighbors," Jeff suggested.

        "Don't tell Drew's mom," Nick added.

        "Guys," Brian said.

        "I think we're doing pretty much anything goes," Nick Carter said.  "Aren't we?  Nothing's off-limits anymore.  Unless someone has a problem, and that's okay.  Anyone have personal boundaries today?"

        No one did.

        "Big surprise there," Nick said.  "Are we going in some order?  Maybe alphabetical.  Everybody screws Brian, everybody screws Drew..."

        "I don't like that system," Brian said.

        "Can I see you two do each other first?" Nick Carter asked Nick and Jeff.  "I want to know how it goes between you.  We did that once, but..."

        "We could," Jeff said.  "We can go first."

        "Can we go second?" Nick Carter asked.  "First you two, then the three of us?  Then we'll start partner-swapping."

        "That works," Jeff agreed.

        "Everybody upstairs!"

        "Oh god JC oh please JC oh god JC please," Justin begged.  His voice caught on a throaty moan as his body rose.  His muscles stood out in sharp relief, and JC's tongue caught a stray trickle of champagne.  Justin's moan turned into a deep groan that resonated in JC's cock.

        JC's free hand, marvelously steady, took a strawberry from the bowl.  Justin, as his lashes fluttered, saw the movement.

        "Open for me, baby," JC coaxed, putting the bright fruit to Justin's lips.

        "Oh, JC, I am," Justin promised, eyes closing, lips parting.  His mouth opened and he bit into the berry, moaning.  A bead of juice slipped down from his lower lip and JC licked it off for him.  He clearly was trying to hold his body still, but JC's finger stroking him slowly inside kept him shuddering and panting nonetheless.  When the strawberry was gone, Justin sucked on JC's fingers, tongue wet and eager.

        JC reluctantly slid his fingers from Justin's mouth, watching Justin regret the loss.  He reached into the bowl blindly, still watching Justin's slow tremors, and found a soft strawberry.  He dipped it in the champagne first, then rested it in the hollow of Justin's collarbone.  Slowly, JC drew a line down Justin's body, detouring to circle each nipple, tracing around Justin's navel.

        "Please, JC, please, oh god, JC."

        JC leaned up to follow the path with his mouth.  He began by sucking on Justin's collarbone, at which Justin moaned and wrapped one leg around JC's waist.  He slowly kissed and sucked his way down Justin's torso, taking care with each patch of skin.

        "God, JC, I can't, I need, you know, I oh god JC, please, please."

        "Come for me, baby, come for me, Justin," JC urged, keeping his finger steadily stroking Justin's prostate.

        Justin, as though permission were all he'd been wanting, gasped and twisted and came.  "Oh, JC, please," he panted, eyes opening and finding JC, hands reaching.

        "What do you want, baby?"

        "Please, in me, I need you in me, I want to feel you in me, JC, oh god."  JC started to withdraw his fingers.  "No, no, JC, please, don't stop, no, please."

        "Let me get in you, baby."

        "Don't stop don't stop don't stop" and Justin screamed, lifting himself onto JC, against JC, up to JC.  One hand grasped the railing and his other hand fisted in the sheets.  He gasped and pushed himself closer, one leg over JC's shoulder, the other around JC's waist.  "Please JC please JC please JC please god yes," he panted, and began to moan with the deep pleasure.  "Need you more I need you more oh please JC."

        "Let me help you, Justin," JC said, and thrust his hips sharply, trying to control the movement.  Justin gasped and arched.  "Let me help you feel good.  Let me give you what you need."

        Justin was too tight around his aching cock and too responsive beneath him and there was no way he could make this last if Justin was going to beg him like that.  Justin was needy, and he'd helped to create that need.  He fed that need to make it grow.  Maybe that was wrong, but JC couldn't stop.  And as long as Justin needed him, he'd give Justin everything that he could to satisfy that need.

        "More, JC, please, more, oh god, JC, JC."  Justin's lips were parted as he panted, his eyes trying to open but failing, his back arched, his right hand in a white-knuckled grip on the railing, his left hand in a white-knuckled grip in the sheets.

        JC thrust harder.

        Justin made a deep, shocked sound of greatest pleasure and tried to say JC's name.

        Harder.

        Incoherent moans became a litany of "yes."

        Harder.

        Justin started to hyperventilate.

        JC slammed himself home and the railing snapped and Justin's body cleared the mattress and JC could hear, feel, Justin's internal scream.

        Then things got really good.

        They waited.

        Drew didn't say anything else.

        "Before?" Brian prompted.

        "I want to say something but I don't know what," Drew said.

        "Shit," Nick Carter said.

        "What?" Brian asked.

        "I was going to say that I don't want Drew to say anything because he might make a speech, and whenever he makes a speech it has something to do with...you know...and I don't want to think about that, and I just remembered that they're going to...  Nick and Jeff...have..."

        "Scars," Jeff said for him.

        "Shut up," Nick Carter said weakly.

        "They're not bad," Jeff said.  "They healed really well."

        "I don't want to see them.  Change the subject.  What were you going to say?" he asked Drew.

        Drew hugged his brother.

        "That's sweet," Nick Carter said.  "How gay are you?"

        Drew smacked Nick's shoulder.

        "Just asking."

        "Men can't even express normal affection without-"

        "Normal affection?  You're about to screw your brother.  That's not normal affection," Nick Carter told Drew.

        "You twist everything."

        "Drew.  You're about to screw your brother.  That's already pretty damned twisted, and it has nothing to do with me."

        "I'm not...I'm...I'm not going to screw him," Drew said.

        "Duh. Yes, you are.  Or else he's going to screw you.  This isn't hey, let's get it on with the totally ripped stud over there.  This is, hey, we sprang from the same loins, let's break every moral code we can think of.  You can't be in denial about this."

        "I'm not denying anything."

        "Maybe this is an expression of the purest form of brotherly love.  Maybe it's some seriously screwed up genetic flaw.  Maybe you're just perverted.  You can't tell me that this is normal affection.  You can't tell me you're not going to screw him, because you are."

        Drew snapped.  "Do you have any idea how hard it is for me?  What it's been like?  We were in Vegas one night and I was up writing a letter home to my mother.  I couldn't sleep because I was missing you so badly, and I called but you didn't answer, and I missed you so much, and I jerked off but I still couldn't sleep, so I started to write to my mother.  I couldn't tell her why I was awake, I couldn't tell her how much I missed you, because you know since the shooting she's been begging me to leave you.  So I tried to think of something else to write about, and then I heard this noise.  This noise from the other side of the wall.  It was Nick and Jeff and they were having sex.  I was tired and I was scared and I was horny, and I was homesick for you, and I was homesick for home, and I knew that if I went over there, Nick would take care of all of that.  He could give me the kind of love that would give me a taste of what you give me and a taste of home.  I was sitting there writing to my mother and thinking about wanting to have sex with my brother!  You think I'm in denial?  Fuck yes!  I'm in denial so deep I'm drowning in it.  You don't know what it's like to feel this way, you don't know what it's like for me to be in love with my own brother!  He's Nick, we grew up together, I know everything about him, in some ways there can be no one closer to me.  To want him, to feel desire for him, to look at him and have these strong sexual urges to - - I want my brother.  No, I'm not happy about it.  No, I'm not comfortable with it."

        "Stop it!  I hate it when you make speeches," Nick Carter said.  "God, Drew angst sucks."

        "Drew angst?" Brian repeated.

        "He's all guilty and weird.  I don't like him guilty and weird.  Fix him."

        "Nick, he's a human being.  People are guilty and weird."

        "I'm not."

        "You're not human?"

        "I'm not guilty or weird."

        "I prefer to think of it as deeply conflicted," Drew said.

        "You are guilty and weird," Brian told Nick.  "You have all of this internalized...weirdness and guiltiness.  Over seducing us.  And you think that you're not good enough for us.  You have really messed-up self-esteem."

        "You're not a psych major.  Leave me alone," Nick said.  "We're here for sex, not to analyze me."

        "We can't have sex if Drew's repressing."

        "He's not repressing.  He's vomiting it all out.  Metaphorically."

        "Maybe we should leave them alone."

        "You mean let it go, or walk out and keep them in here together?"

        "Give them some time alone together."

        "Then we can't watch them fuck."

        "That's between them."

        "You don't want to watch?"

        "It's not my place to watch."

        "It's my place.  I'm the sex supervisor.  I have to make sure they do it right."

        "Okay, sex supervisor," Jeff said.  "You come stand over here with me and let Nick and Drew have the floor."  He tugged Nick to stand by the dresser with Brian.

        Drew looked at his brother.

        Nick stepped closer to Drew.

        Drew stepped closer to Nick.

        Their eyes met.

        Their bodies were close.

        Low, pained.  "We can't do this."

        "God, I...so much."

        "Nick."

        Brian ached for them.

        "It hurts me to want you," Nick whispered.

        "Yes," Drew whispered, and closed his eyes, and parted his lips for his brother's kiss.

        JC's fingers had stained Justin's curls with strawberry juice.

        Champagne had pooled in the hollow of JC's collarbone and trickled down his neck.

        Justin was too tired to move.

        JC said, "Justin?"

        Justin grunted.

        "Want to take a bath with me?"

        Justin's eyes opened.

        "Baby?"

        "Hell yes."

        "You're so bad at this," Lance said.

        "No, no, I can do it.  Baby.  Baby."

        "There's a reason they give Kevin the seductive speaking parts and not you."

        AJ ignored him.  "Baby.  Baby.  Baby.  I almost had it that time."

        "You're so far off.  You can't do it."

        "I can do anything I put my mind to."

        "Except change your voice part at will."

        "Baby, I...damn it.  What's the next part?"

        "You know baby, my love for you will always stay true.  That's right.  'Cause there is no me without you."

        AJ cleared his throat.  "You know - - stop laughing!  Give a man a chance!"

        "AJ, you're not a bass and you never will be.  Give up."

        "How do you do that?"

        "What?"

        "Talk like that."

        "Like what?"

        "Like sex."

        "I don't talk like sex."

        "You sound like one of those porn operators."

        "Porn operators?  And how would you know how they sound?"

        "You run a phone sex business on the side, don't you?"

        "Not a phone sex business," Lance said.

        "Do it again."

        "Do what?"

        "Say that 'You know baby' thing."

        "Why?"

        "Just do it."

        "You know baby, my love for you will always stay true.  That's right.  'Cause there is no me without you."

        "I like that."

        "Thanks."

        "It makes me hard."

        "I - - oh.  I see."

        "C'mere."

        "AJ-"

        "Talk dirty to me."

        "I don't know how."

        "Pretend I'm one of your sex clients."

        "How much will you pay me?"

        "Whatever you want.  Oh, damn, Lance."

        "You like that?"

        "Keep," AJ groaned, "keep touching...me...like that..."

        "And?"

        "I'll give you anything you want," AJ said in a breathless rush, and moaned as Lance knelt.

        Justin was very thorough in washing JC's body.  With his bare hands, because the washcloth was conveniently out of reach.

        They rested, soaking in the heated water, JC resting back against Justin's chest, his head on Justin's shoulder.

        Justin closed his eyes, relaxing.

        "I love you," JC said.

        "I know."  He rubbed JC's arm.  "Love you too."

        "Don't ever ask me to stop."

        "I won't."

        "We're going to be okay."

        "Was there ever any doubt?"

        JC shook with laughter.

        "Yeah," Brian said softly, stroking Drew's back.

        "Okay."

        Silence.

        "Is he going to be okay?"

        "Yes.  Nick, he will."

        "Okay."

        Silence.

        "Are you sure?"

        "Yes."

        "I'm not sure."

        "I am," Brian said.

        "He is asleep, right?"

        "Yes."

        "Not just in a coma or anything?"

        "He's not in a coma!"

        "Don't yell, you'll wake him up."

        "He's not in a coma.  He's resting."

        "His body or his mind?  Is he taking a little vacation from reality?"

        "No."

        "I would."

        "Nick, he's not deranged."

        "He just had sex with his brother."

        "He's done that before."

        "That was different.  That was like the halfway point.  They could pretend that it was less than it really was.  This, you can't pretend this was anything else."

        "He'll be okay."

        "You think Nick will?"

        "Yeah."

        "I think he's spooked."

        "He'll be all right.  Jeff always knows what to say to him."

        "What are we going to say to Drew?"

        "That it's all right."

        "That's it?"

        "What would you like to say?"

        "That...that it's all right."

        Brian pet Drew's back.  "It's all right."

        Nick looked at him darkly.

        "Who am I?  Don't turn away from me.  Who am I?"

        "Jeff," Nick muttered.

        "That's right.  Number one person in your life.  Drew's number two.  That hasn't changed."

        "Everything's changed."

        "Not everything.  Not me, not you, not Drew."

        "I screwed my little brother," Nick snarled, turning away from Jeff.

        "I know."

        "I screwed my little brother!"

        "I know."

        "Say something!"

        "I'm not going to punish you."

        "I had sex with Drew!"

        "Nick, come here.  Come here."

        "Don't touch me!"

        "Come here."

        "What!"

        "Calm down," Jeff said firmly.  "Calm down and look at me.  I love you, and that hasn't changed.  That won't change.  What you did with Drew was between you and Drew.  That's about you, and it affects me, but it's not about me."

        "Jeff..."

        "Nick."

        "I had sex with Drew."

        "I know."

        "What am I going to do?"

        "It's okay.  Come here."  Jeff held him close and rubbed the back of his neck.

        "I feel so dirty," Nick whispered with a deep, aching shame.

        "I know."

        "It felt so good."

        Jeff continued to hold him.  "I know."

        Nick looked at him.

        "Hi," Brian said.

        "Hi," Drew said, a little uncertain.

        "You...uh...okay?" Nick asked.

        Drew rolled to his back and sat up slowly, running a hand over his hair.  "I think so."

        "They went home," Brian said.

        "I have to go to the bathroom," Drew said, and left them.

        "Not good," Nick said.  "Do something."

        "Give him a minute," Brian said.

        "Fix him."

        "In a minute."

        "Now!"

        "He's in the bathroom!"

        They waited.

        "I think he flushed himself down the toilet," Nick said.

        "Give him a minute."

        "To do what?"

        "What do you think?"

        They waited.

        "I'm going to declare him a missing person in another minute," Nick said.

        Brian walked over to the bathroom.  "Drew?"

        "We know he's in there," Nick said.  "Unless he escaped through the window."

        "Drew, are you okay?"

        "Is the door locked?" Nick asked.

        "Drew?"

        Nick reached over and opened the door.

        Brian smacked Nick's hand.  Then the door swung wider and he saw Drew.

        Drew looked up when Brian and Nick dropped to their knees on either side of him.  "I'm okay."

        "Drew," Brian said.  "Come on.  It's okay."

        "You need clothes," Nick said.  "And a hot shower.  And food.  And sleep."

        "Tell me what to do," Drew said.

        "Take a shower and get dressed and eat and go to sleep," Nick said.

        "It'll be okay," Brian said.

        "I never should have done that," Drew said.

        "Don't say that," Brian said.  "You did what was right for you.  And for Nick."

        "We understand," Nick said.

        "I don't," Drew said.

        "It's okay," Brian said.  "It's okay."

        "Don't let me do that again."

        "Do you want to?" Brian asked, voice patient, eyes kind.

        "God, yes," Drew said, and rested his face in Brian's neck, curling his fingers in Brian's hair.  "Nothing would terrify me more."

        "I'll say."  JC stretched.

        Justin watched the flex of muscle, the elongation of JC's graceful form.  "Tomorrow's going to be a good day."

        "I hope so."  JC sat beside him on the bed.

        "We'll finish the album, start promos, get the tour in gear.  Then it's back on the road, baby."

        "You and me and our three crazy friends.  Nothing better."

        "What do you think it would take?"

        "For what?"

        Justin grinned.  "For me to get you to break the headboard."

        "A lot."

        "A lot?"

        "A lot."

        "Is that a challenge?"

        "Try me."

        "That was a challenge."

        "You bet your sweet ass."

        "My sweet ass?  What about your sweet ass?"

        "I don't have a sweet ass."

        "JC, have you ever seen your ass?  There's nothing sweeter."

        "Except you and strawberries."

        "You cannot say things like that in front of other people."

        "Why not?"

        "Why not?  Because you can't."

        "They won't know what I'm talking about."

        "Yes, they will.  And people know too much about our sex life already."

        "Nobody knows anything."

        "Everybody knows everything."

        "We're not broadcasting it on cable, Justin.  What?  What?"

        "JC?"

        "What?"

        "You, um, you know that videocamera we just got?"

        "Yeah."

        "Um..."

        "What?"

        "JC..."

        "What?!"

        "It's on."

        "What?"

        "It's on.  It's running.  It's...it's..."

        "On where?"

        "It's recording."

        "Recording...what?" JC asked slowly.  "Justin, no.  Justin.  Tell me you - - Justin, you little - - you didn't!"

        "Don't freak out."

        "Where is it?"

        "It's, it's in the closet, on the shelf.  I angled it so it would get the bed.  JC!  JC, really, it's-"

        "You taped that?!"

        "It probably stopped taping.  It's probably not on anymore.  But it probably got the beginning."

        "You get that tape and you destroy it now."

        "JC?"

        "What?"

        "Can we watch it first?"