Destiny Part Nine

Destiny, a story in 13 parts, sixth in the "Living" series

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise 98 Degrees, the Backstreet Boys, and *NSYNC are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor, the Savage Garden slashers, and anyone who's actually following this series. This one's for the "Living" artists: Diamond, Becky, Lady Farcly, and Ice.

Notice: "Living" series: "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," and "Rest in Peace."

Destiny is everything. -"Set Adrift on Memory Bliss"

"Destiny" Part Nine: I feel in heaven when I look in your eyes -"Get Down"

"Stop looking at me."

"What?" JC asked.

"I know you're looking at me. Stop looking at me," Justin repeated, his voice tight and bitter, his eyes on the page before him.

"I can't even look at you now?" JC asked from the armchair.

"Fuck off," Justin said, and left the sofa, going to the kitchen. He yanked open the refrigerator door, realized that he didn't want anything in there, and slammed it shut. He jerked open the silverware drawer violently just to hear the somewhat satisfyingly loud clatter of metal. He shoved the drawer shut again so hard it bounced back open, so he closed it again and opened the cupboard to get a glass, slammed the glass onto the counter, banged the cupboard door - - and then JC came in behind him and his body flushed with heat.

"Justin."

He closed his eyes, fingers tightening around the smooth, cool glass.

JC's hand stroked up his forearm, down again; JC was right behind him, right there, JC's voice soft and sexual by his ear. "Justin."

"Stop." He turned, and JC was there, and his back was to the counter, and the glass fell to the floor and broke. JC's eyes owned him. "We can't." Heat, all of this heat.

"Justin," and JC kissed him.

Brian was warm and cosy. He'd felt Drew leave and return, and then Nick had left the bed, but Drew was still here. He patted Drew's chest with his fingers, testing, before he opened his eyes.

"Good morning," Drew said, lounging beside him, resting on one elbow, smiling down at him.

"You're dressed."

"I was working out."

"You're sweaty."

"Sorry."

Brian rested his cheek against Drew's chest and inhaled. "Where's Nick?"

"I was on my way to the shower, but he said he'd take care of it and sent me back to bed. I think he's getting the bath ready."

"You can't draw your own bath?" Drew was warm, damp with sweat. Brian let his fingers stroke Drew's biceps.

"You woke up Brian," Nick's voice accused. Nick sat on the edge of the bed, pulling Brian back from Drew and towards himself, one hand on Brian's ribcage, a wet kiss at the corner of Brian's mouth. "Morning."

"Morning," Brian said, nestling more comfortably against Nick.

"Come on, you, time for your bath," Nick said. "Brian, you want to come help or do you want to sleep?"

Oh, there was a question. But first, "Help?"

"Supervise."

"He can't bathe himself?"

"I just wanted a shower," Drew said uselessly.

"He might drown," Nick said.

"In the bathtub?" Brian asked.

"It happens," Nick said.

"To infants," Brian said.

"He's short."

"I'm short."

"Then we'll do you next. Wait your turn. Come on, help me play lifeguard. Water's getting cold." Nick smacked Brian's ass and stood, reaching for Drew.

"Help," Drew whispered to Brian as Nick dragged him towards the door.

Justin moaned JC's name.

"Slow down," JC gasped. He knew Justin was clawing open his back again.

"Please, JC, please, oh god, JC, JC," and Justin twisted beneath him.

"Justin," JC said, hips surging forward. Justin screamed.

Nick had decided that the best way to supervise Drew's bathing was to be in the tub with him. Then Nick had decided that Drew wasn't washing properly, so Nick had to help him. Then Drew threw Nick out of the tub.

Nick sat on the closed toilet lid and sent in Brian.

Drew was sleek and wet, the water hot, the soap slick. The tub was crowded, and the porcelain was chilled, but Drew's mouth was inviting and warm. Brian kissed him and knew what it was to drown.

"Where's my camera?"

Drew blindly threw a bottle of shampoo in Nick's direction, other hand reaching down between Brian's legs.

The third time Brian banged into the wall, he decided that they'd better move to more comfortable quarters. So he got out of the tub.

Minutes later he was on his back on the bathroom floor, half on the itchy bath mat and half on the cold tile. Which wasn't all that much more comfortable. But Nick definitely made it up to him. And coming down Nick's throat, then blinking his vision clear just in time to see Drew rising from the tub, water streaming down masculine beauty, was not to be missed.

Justin stared at the ceiling.

"You broke the headboard again."

He almost laughed.

"Maybe we should buy a new one."

He rested his cheek on JC's shoulder.

"Do you think the store would let us test it out first?"

He smiled against JC's skin. He couldn't help it.

JC stroked his hair.

"We've gotta fix this."

"I know," JC said quietly.

"Hating each other's no good. And fucking won't help."

"I know."

"You have to stop pulling this shit."

"So do you."

Justin pushed himself up onto his left elbow, meeting JC's eyes. JC looked at him. "I love you and you're mine, and we're naked in bed together. We should be making love, JC. What we've been doing is wrong."

"What we've been doing? And what does that cover?"

"Everything. Everything since we started fighting. I shoved you away before, and then you punished me by not giving me sex."

"I was not-"

"You know what that does to me."

"How could I know what that does to you? It's never happened before."

"Don't get bitchy."

"It's not my fault you're a slut."

"The fuck it's not!"

"I'm sorry." JC calmed himself. "You're not a slut. That wasn't fair."

"I hate it when you're mature," Justin muttered, rolling away from JC, sitting up, dragging the covers over his lap.

JC smiled. "Should I apologize for that, too?"

Justin tossed him a look. "We're not getting anywhere. I don't even know what I want anymore. I don't know what's going on."

"You know what you want."

"I want you to love me."

"I do love you."

"Then why aren't I happy?"

"It's not that simple."

"It used to be." Justin tried to keep his eyes from tracing JC's body. He could see everything down to JC's knees. He saw JC's body every day; how did it still have this effect on him? "You'll give me independence?"

"You want space," JC said. He didn't sound happy about it.

"Yes."

"We've tried this."

"Yeah, but I was psycho then."

"You're not now?"

"You're not going to do it, are you? You won't give me a fair shot. You're going to make me need you."

"I don't-"

"The fuck you don't, JC. Look at this. Look at us right now. We're supposed to be talking, and you're lying there flashing yourself just waiting for me to-"

"I-"

"Don't fuck with me, JC!" Justin was up on his knees. "Stop fucking with me!" He could see where his mouth had left a mark on JC's neck earlier, and he leaned in for it, licked it, sucked it, swung his leg over JC's, pressed his cock to JC's hip.

"Not now," JC said softly.

"Now," Justin said, and kissed him. "Always. Forever."

When the alarm went off, Nick smacked it silent. He opened his eyes reluctantly and scratched his stubble, sure it wasn't really time to get up quite yet. Maybe in another few hours. Anyway, he couldn't get up, because a huge cement weight, also known as Jeff, was lying on his right side and trapping his arm.

Gingerly, he tried to pull free.

Jeff burrowed closer.

He tried again.

Jeff's arm came over his chest.

Oh, great. Now it was worse. Nick grunted and shoved and pulled and oh shit fell on his ass on the floor.

Jeff yawned, rolled over, and murmured Nick's name, going back to sleep.

Nick glared at Jeff's back. There was no way that Jeff deserved ninety percent of the bed and he always had to cling to the edge. From now on he got half of the bed or Jeff could sleep on the sofa. He stood, stretched, scratched, and surveyed the bed. Surveyed Jeff. Surveyed Jeff's naked back and exposed arm. Decided that Jeff definitely owed him a blowjob for throwing him out of the bed.

Justin forced himself to hold his hips still. Forced himself to be quiet. Forced himself not to come. Suffered through JC's slow tongue on his cock.

"You're so beautiful," JC whispered, and kissed his mouth, and slid a finger inside his body.

Justin couldn't resist, couldn't hold back the fullness of the glory. JC wanted him, and JC loved him, and that was all that mattered.

And that was terrifying.

Morning breath and bed hair and sleep gunk in his eyes and a bladder full of pee and Chris had no idea why Howie wanted him. But if Howie could look at his bleary morning face and still kiss him like that and still want him like that, then who was he to say no?

Howie didn't get morning breath. Some mornings Chris was pleased and grateful, and sometimes he wanted to curse the gods for that kind of unfairness.

He'd tried to map it out in his head, establish a pattern. Figure out when they gave blowjobs and when who fucked whom and when they did something a little more adventurous. But there was no pattern that he could find. No time of day or day of the week or mood or schedule that dictated when they did what.

There wasn't even a pattern of taking turns topping. It just averaged out evenly in the end, without either of them seeming to be conscious of it.

This relationship was going way too well. Chris was starting to get worried.

"We're not doing this again," Justin said.

"Not doing what again?"

"Having sex."

"What?" JC asked.

"I need a shower," Justin said.

JC caught Justin's wrist. "Justin?"

"Learn to keep your hands to yourself for once," Justin said, and left the bed.

"We're not making love? For how long? Why?"

"Because you're a manipulative bastard," Justin said, and left the room.

"We should have sex in the shower," Nick decided.

"Don't waste water," Brian said automatically, finding the milk.

"Drew thinks we should."

"Don't speak for him." Brian handed Nick the carton.

"Drew thinks you look good wet."

"You don't know that."

"Yes I do."

"You do not."

Drew chewed his toast and ignored them.

"You weren't there. I caught him."

"Caught him?" Brian repeated.

"Watching the video. 'Quit Playing Games.' He was watching."

"Why?" Brian asked.

"Because he likes it. Because we're wet and we look good wet and it makes him horny."

"What?"

"We look good wet," Nick said slowly, enunciating clearly. "It makes Drew horny."

"Horny?"

"Hard. He was getting hard."

"I was not," Drew said.

"He said it made him feel like a pedophile."

"That's true," Drew admitted.

"It's a video," Brian said. "If anyone should be making him hard, it's Howie."

"Gross," Nick said.

"Howie's the one who's naked and touching himself," Brian said reasonably.

"He's Howie," Nick said. "How can you get hard over someone named Howie?"

"Don't be mean," Brian said.

"I want to fuck you in the shower."

Brian blinked.

"Can I?"

"Okay," Brian said.

"Good. Tomorrow."

Drew smiled.

"You're not invited," Nick told Drew. "You got naked and wet with Brian and not with me."

"I was naked and wet with you," Drew said.

"But you weren't kissing and groping me."

"I'm sorry."

"You'd better do it now to make up for it."

"Now?"

"I want sex on the kitchen table. You gave Brian sex on the kitchen table."

Drew frowned.

Nick scowled.

"Okay," Drew said. "Come on," and he patted the tabletop with one hand.

Nick's eyes got very round.

Brian moved the milk out of the way.

Justin zipped his jeans and pulled on his T-shirt.

"Now why are you mad at me?" JC asked, leaning against the dresser.

"You're a manipulative bastard," Justin said.

"And my life's goal is to make you dependent and needy because I'm sick and twisted."

"Right."

"Glad we got that cleared up."

"Don't-"

"Don't accuse me of being bitchy."

"If the shoe fits."

"So we can't make love anymore?"

"Right."

"And I can't touch you anymore."

"Right."

"Until when?"

"Until I'm not as...susceptible to your manipulative bastardness."

"Great."

"I shoved you away, you left me, you learned how to make it on your own. I didn't. It's my turn."

JC's flippant tone evaporated. He said, softly, "Don't leave me."

"I can't, JC. That's the problem."

"That's not a problem."

"I can't live without you. Do you know what that's like?"

"Yes."

"Stop it!"

"What?"

"You're doing it again!"

"I'm not doing anything."

"God damn it, JC."

"You asked me a question; I gave an honest answer. I won't start lying to you."

"It's not always what you do, it's how you do it."

"I'm not going to start censoring myself around you. I've never done that."

"You've always done that. You show me the JC you want me to see."

"I show you who I am. You know who I am."

"I-"

"You know me. You feel me. Inside. The way I feel you."

"God damn it!"

"We can't lose that."

"We've lost it!"

"No," JC said. "I know you can feel me."

"You're psycho," Justin said, defensive.

"No," JC said. "I'm in love."

"You want to go out tonight?" AJ asked.

"Sure," Lance said around his toothbrush. "Where?"

"You want to go dancing?"

Lance spat. "Just us?"

"Yeah. Just us."

Lance smiled. "Sure."

AJ licked a smear of toothpaste from Lance's cheek. Lance made a face, and AJ laughed.

Justin wanted cornrows.

They had time.

And JC wasn't busy or anything.

But he couldn't ask.

Because it was way too intimate and way too...too...

God, he'd never make it. There was no way. How long did he expect to last? If JC didn't touch him anymore, not for sex, not for affection, not just because he was there...

He wanted JC to touch him. Just...just touch him.

JC touched him all of the time, usually. Under normal circumstances. That was just how it was. JC touched him, and he liked it.

He wanted cornrows.

But he couldn't ask.

Nick had to tell somebody. Anybody. He almost told the security guard in the lobby. He was bursting with the good news.

It was just his luck to run into Drew's brother.

"Hey," Nick said.

"Hey," Drew said.

"Drew sucked me off on the kitchen table and then Brian screwed me," Nick said.

Nick raised his eyebrows.

"Nick," Drew said.

"On the table," Nick said, just to be clear.

"Don't invite me for dinner," Nick told Drew.

"From now on, we're leaving you at home," Brian said to Nick.

"On the table," he said again.

"We got it," Drew said.

"Hey, what's up?" Jeff asked, joining them.

"Nothing," Nick, Drew, and Brian said.

"Drew-" Nick began.

"Nothing," they said again.

"On the table," Nick said.

"Which table?" Jeff asked. "The kitchen table?"

"Yes," Nick said.

Jeff grinned. "Guess you're having a good morning. Come on, let's get to work," he said, taking Nick's elbow. "See you guys."

"I'd like to have sex with him," Nick said, watching Jeff and Nick walk down the hallway. He tilted his head to one side. "Mmm."

"Nick or Jeff?" Drew asked.

"Yes," Nick said. "What?" he asked. "Jeff. I meant Jeff."

"Not Nick," Drew said.

"No," Nick said. "Not Nick."

"Of course not," Drew said. "You don't want Nick."

"No, he's gross," Nick said. "I just want Jeff."

Drew and Brian exchanged a look.

"Nice," Nick murmured as Nick and Jeff rounded the far corner.

"Stop looking at me," Justin said very clearly.

"What?" Lance asked.

"He's talking to me," JC said.

"JC can't look at you?" Joey asked.

"That's going to make our tour pretty difficult," Lance said.

"Fuck the tour," Justin said.

"That's professional," Joey said.

"At least you'll be fucking something," JC muttered.

"That was mature," Justin said.

"Oh my god," JC said. "Look who's talking."

"Stop looking at me!" Justin shouted, whirling around, facing JC.

"I can't help it!" JC shouted, rising. "You're gorgeous and you're beautiful and you're sexy and I can't stop looking, I can't stop staring, I've never seen anything more beautiful than you in my entire life!"

"Stop it!" Justin shouted.

"And every time I see you, I stop, I stare, I take you in, I breathe you in, and I can look at you and remember how you look when I'm making love to you."

"Stop it!"

"Guys?" Joey asked.

"You won't let me make love to you, you won't let me touch you, you won't let me look at you, you're cutting off my life support system, Justin. You're all that I have, you're all that I want, you're all that I-"

"Stop it!"

JC staggered back a step, two, reaching for balance. Lance grabbed his arm to keep him upright. Joey cursed softly; Chris cursed more loudly.

Justin reached for JC.

"Justin," JC said.

"Go," Lance said, pushing Joey towards the door.

"Where?" Joey asked helplessly.

"Get ice or a towel or something," Lance said. Joey left.

"Did you break his nose?" Chris asked. "Tell me you didn't break his nose. Tell me you didn't break his nose."

"I'm okay," JC said.

"You're bleeding all over yourself," Lance said.

"And the floor," Chris said.

Justin touched JC's blood.

"I hope you didn't like that shirt," Chris said to JC. "Or that face."

Justin licked his fingers.

"Oh god," Lance said. "You're demented. Get out of here. Out. Out!"

"Justin," JC said, and fainted.

Joey ran into the room and grabbed Nick, dragging him out, tossing vague apologies to the others. Brian followed, concerned. "What's wrong?" Nick asked in the hallway.

"Justin hit JC," Joey said. "Do you have towels or ice?"

"Do I have ice?" Nick asked. "How bad did he hit him?"

"His nose is bleeding."

"I'll get something," Brian said, and disappeared.

"Justin hit JC?" Nick asked. "Why? He hit JC? Justin Justin?"

"Yes, Justin, JC, hit," Joey said impatiently.

"Why?"

"I don't know, JC was looking at him or something."

"JC was looking at him."

"Stop repeating everything I say!"

"Why are you here?"

"I didn't know where else to go."

"So you came to me?"

"You always know how to get things done."

"What?"

"Don't you?"

"No!"

"Oh."

"Come on."

There was a mass of confusion for the next few minutes. Justin was irrational, JC was worried about Justin, and three Syncers and two Boys were trying to determine how badly JC was hurt. They had to hold JC down and try to stop the bleeding, but uncooperative JC wanted to talk to Justin, who was pacing and muttering. The amateur medical team of five boy band members decided that JC's nose wasn't broken, and tried to get him to keep the ice pack in place. Nick and Joey dragged Justin from the room bodily. Chris and Lance stayed with JC. Brian went back to work.

In the bathroom, Joey leaned against the door, Nick leaned against the sinks, and Justin played with the latch to the stall.

"Justin," Nick said, "why did you hit JC?"

"JC," Justin said. "Nick, who do you love more, Brian, Drew, or yourself?"

"I don't love Brian or Drew more. Just differently."

"You love them more than you love yourself?"

"Yeah."

"I love JC more than I love myself."

"I know."

"I'm afraid of him."

"Afraid? Of JC?"

"He makes me. Feel things. Do things."

Joey and Nick looked at each other. They understood what Justin meant, from observation, from knowing JC and Justin. And Nick understood, too, from experience.

"Like what?" Joey asked.

"Have you ever wanted to die?" Justin asked the latch.

"No," Joey said.

"Once," Nick said.

"I wanted to die when JC left me."

"When you thought he was dead?" Joey asked.

"I knew he wasn't dead," Justin said. "And JC will never die. He'll live forever. He's in me. If he dies. Even if I die. He'll still exist."

"He's not God," Nick said.

"I think he is," Justin said softly. "I believe."

"Justin hit JC?" Drew asked.

"Yeah," Brian said. "They're having another fight."

"About what?" Jeff asked.

"Justin wants space," Brian said. "I think."

"Is he okay?" Justin asked.

"JC's okay," Brian said. "He will be, physically. His nose isn't broken. Nick and Joey are talking to Justin to figure out what's going on."

"I can't believe they got violent," Nick said.

"They've been tearing each other apart emotionally," Jeff said.

"Yeah, but making it physical takes it to a whole other level," Nick said.

"You don't think Justin would get abusive," Justin said.

"No," Brian said.

"He did hurt JC's wrist," Drew pointed out uneasily.

"I can't see JC ever hitting him back," Jeff said.

"I can't see Justin hitting JC in the first place," Nick said.

"They're so strong," Drew said. "I can't believe this is happening."

"I know," Nick said, and put his hand on Jeff's back.

"You should go home," Lance said.

"Not without Justin," JC said.

"We're not leaving you alone with him," Chris said.

"Since when is that up to you?" JC asked.

"Since he hit you," Chris said.

"He's just upset."

"JC, he hit you," Chris said. "That's not okay."

"He's not okay," Lance added. "You're not okay."

"We don't need baby-sitters," JC said.

"Then stop acting like two-year-olds," Chris said.

"He's just upset," JC said.

"What about you?" Lance asked.

"What about me?"

"You say Justin's upset. What about you?"

"I'm." JC stopped talking.

"You're?" Chris prompted.

"I'm okay," JC said.

"You're okay?" Lance repeated, disbelieving.

"I'm fine," JC said defensively.

"Keep the icepack still," Lance said. "JC, you're not okay. You're not fine."

"Deranged, psychotic, obsessive, stupid," Chris began.

"Not fine," Lance said.

"Do you even know how you're feeling?" Chris asked. "Or is your brain so focused on Justin you have no concept of your own reality?"

"No concept of my own reality?" JC repeated.

"That was kind of impressive," Lance admitted.

"Thanks," Chris said. "Answer the question."

"I'm fine," JC said.

"I want Justin to stay with me tonight," Lance said.

"What?" JC asked.

"This is going to go well," Chris said.

"I think you should spend a night apart," Lance said.

"Why?" JC asked.

"Duh," Chris said.

"We can't," JC said.

"I-"

"We can't," JC said.

"J-

"No. Lance. We can't. I mean we really can't," JC said.

"You can't?" Lance asked.

"Wow," Chris said.

"Try it," Lance said. "I think you need it. Just one night."

"We can't," JC said.

"If I ask Justin to come over and spend the night, you'll let him try it?" Lance asked.

"I... If... If you ask him, I'll...yeah. Okay," JC said. "If you. Okay."

"Why'd you say yes?" Chris asked.

"Justin wants...space," JC said. "If that's...what he wants." JC swallowed. "I always give Justin what he wants."

"What's wrong?" Brian asked Drew.

"If JC and Justin are having... If this can happen to them, it can happen to anybody," Drew said.

"Not anybody," Brian said.

"Brian, they're JC and Justin. Justin and JC."

"I know."

"If they're coming apart, anyone can."

"Not us."

"You think we're immune?"

"Maybe the problem is that they are JC and Justin. Maybe that's too much. Justin says JC loves him too much. Maybe he does."

"Can you love someone too much?"

"I think so."

"I didn't... Everybody has problems sometime. That's just how relationships work. We'll start fighting any day now."

Brian smiled. "Probably."

"Do you and Nick ever fight?"

"Not anymore."

"But you used to."

"When I broke up with him. And before that, we argued sometimes. But we always got over it."

"What did you fight about?"

"He was flirting, I wasn't loyal-"

"What?"

"No, no. I mean, he'd fight with Kevin and want me to take his side. But I didn't always take his side."

"Oh."

"I don't know how we'll do things now. Taking sides. With three of us here."

"I think that with three of us, it'll be easier. One of us can be the mediator."

"Are you afraid?"

"Of what?"

"That what's happening to JC and Justin really can happen to us?"

"They love each other so much, Brian. They're so... How can anything that good and that right and that perfect be in jeopardy?"

"Nothing from the outside could have torn them apart," Brian said.

"So they're tearing each other apart?"

"They're tearing themselves apart," Brian said. "JC would kill himself for Justin. Literally, figuratively."

"Would Justin kill himself for JC?"

"JC wouldn't let him."

"That's it? Their relationship hinges on JC keeping Justin safe?"

Brian frowned. "For a second there, I almost understood it."

"Maybe we can't understand it."

"I almost had it," Brian said. "But it's so...twisted and deep and contradictory."

"Maybe they do love each other too much."

"Can they stop?"

"Stop loving each other?" Drew asked.

"What are you two talking about?" Jeff asked, sitting on the edge of the table.

"Can JC and Justin stop loving each other?" Drew asked.

"Never," Jeff said.

When Joey and Justin returned, Chris was trying to figure out how soon JC would be presentable to the public. He decided that JC should be healed perfectly in time for the tour.

"Why don't you go home?" Lance asked. "Get some rest, come back tomorrow."

"Yeah," JC said. "Okay."

Justin frowned.

"AJ's spending tonight working," Lance said. "You want to come over and hang out with me?" he asked Justin.

"Tonight?" Justin asked.

"Yeah," Lance said.

"To do what?"

"Just hang out. Watch movies. Get something to eat."

Justin looked at JC.

"I'm just going to rest," JC said. "Lance will be better company."

"He usually is," Chris said. JC smacked Chris's arm. It was almost normal.

"I can come over for a while," Justin said. "But we're not watching that crap you like."

AJ was talking with Kevin when Chris found him. "Hey, short and sweet," AJ said.

"Okay," Chris said. Kevin shrugged. "Lance is making me be messenger boy. He can't see you tonight. He's taking Justin home with him."

"I'm being replaced?" AJ asked.

"I can't imagine why he'd want Justin instead of you," Chris said innocently.

"This is about the fight JC and Justin are having?"

"Yeah. We don't want them to be home alone together all night. So Justin's going home with Lance."

"He's backing out of our date to baby-sit Justin," AJ said. "No. No no no no no. That's not how it goes. Why can't Justin spend the night with you? Or Joey? Or, I don't know, at his own place like a normal grown adult?"

"It was Lance's idea. Ask him. You guys had a date?"

"Had a date, we have a date. And we're going on it."

"Lance isn't going on it. You can take Kevin," Chris suggested.

"I have my own date," Kevin said.

"You would," Chris muttered. "I'm just messenger boy," he told AJ. "I delivered the message. You're out of luck."

"He's breaking a date to baby-sit Justin," AJ said again as Chris left. "Justin can take care of himself."

"You can take JC out for the evening," Kevin said.

"Not a bad idea," AJ said.

"You wouldn't," Kevin said.

"The hell I wouldn't," AJ said. "Where is he?"

JC let himself into the apartment and dropped his keys on the ledge by the door. In the bedroom, he toed out of his shoes and lowered himself to the bed. His face hurt.

Justin had hit him.

Justin was mad at him. Again.

He loved too much.

Justin wanted space.

Justin had hit him.

Justin was spending the night at Lance's.

He couldn't touch Justin anymore.

He couldn't look at Justin anymore.

He couldn't make love to Justin anymore.

He couldn't make love with Justin anymore.

He closed his eyes. He could be with Justin in his dreams.

"You okay?" Nick Carter asked, tipping up Drew's chin.

"Yeah," Drew said.

"Okay." Nick smoothed his thumb along Drew's lower lip.

"You were with Justin earlier?"

"Yeah. He's flipping. He's flipped. He's gone."

"What's going on between them?"

"Justin's confused."

"That's it?"

"That's it."

"Oh."

"You're okay."

"Yeah."

"Brian, what's wrong with Drew?"

"He's worried."

"About what?" Nick asked, mentally counting Drew's eyelashes.

Brian was distracted, making notes on lyrics. "He said something like you said once. About how since JC and Justin are in trouble, anyone can be in trouble."

"You think we'd break up?" Nick asked.

"Anyone can," Drew said.

"You think we'd break up?" Nick repeated.

Drew looked up at him. Really looked. "No."

"You mean that?"

"Yes."

Nick kissed him, slowly, parting his lips.

Brian stopped writing to watch.

JC couldn't sleep.

He missed Justin.

He ate. He watched TV. He tried to write lyrics. He cleaned the bathtub. He wished he'd gone to see a doctor. If his nose went crooked, he was going to sue the Backstreet Boys for bad medical advice.

He missed Justin.

He could call Lance's apartment.

He could drive over to Lance's.

He could try to sleep again.

Justin...

"How much do you love me?"

"What?" Nick asked, looking startled.

"How much do you love me?" Jeff repeated.

Nick chewed to keep from answering. Jeff waited. Nick tried to think of something to say. Jeff waited. "You can't, you can't put it in numbers," Nick said. "I can't explain it."

"Try."

"Are you a girl?" Nick asked.

Jeff sucked pizza sauce from his thumb.

Nick swallowed.

"Did that turn you on?"

"Sort of."

"Then I'm not a girl. How much do you love me?"

"I."

Jeff waited.

"A lot."

"That's it?"

"I don't know! I love you a lot, I love you more than I love anybody else. I think about you all of the time, I want you all of the time, when you're not around I wish you were. What? I like you. You're a lot of fun. You're great in bed. You know me."

Jeff nodded.

"Was that good enough?" Nick asked.

"It's not a contest, Nick."

"You want me to give a certain answer."

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do. You know how much you want me to love you, and you want me to say it's that much, or more."

"It's not about that."

"Then what's wrong with you?"

"Nothing's wrong with me."

"Why are you asking stupid questions?"

"I'm not asking stupid questions!"

"'How much do you love me' is a stupid question."

"Ask me."

"No."

"Ask me."

"No!"

"Ask me."

"No!"

"Ask me."

"How much do you love me?"

"I don't know."

"What?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"I don't know."

"But you do."

"I do what?"

"You do. Love me."

"Yeah."

"So. Okay."

"That's it?"

"That's what matters."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"I love you."

"Good."

"Tell me you love me."

"You're a girl."

"I'll suck you off if you tell me."

"You're a girl."

"I'll do you if you tell me."

"When?"

"Now."

"Now?"

"Right now."

"I love you."

Jeff deliberately got sauce on his thumb, then reached across the table to Nick.

Nick ducked forward, closing his lips around Jeff's thumb. He kept eye contact, letting Jeff stare at him with unblinking blue eyes. He sucked briefly, then let his tongue come into play.

"You want to suck me?" Jeff asked.

Always. "I thought you wanted to...have sex," Nick said.

"Yeah. We can do both."

"It's early."

"So?"

Good point.

The phone rang.

JC sat up in bed. "Justin?"

"JC," Justin said. "Were you sleeping?"

"No. How's Lance?"

"He's on his phone. AJ called. JC, he wants me to stay here all night."

"I know."

"You know?"

"Yes."

"All night."

"Yes."

"I don't want to be here all night."

"Why not?"

"You're not here."

"Lance is there."

"You know what I mean."

"He wants us to spend time apart. That's what you wanted, too."

"Not like this."

"Then how?"

"Not like this, JC. I need space. I need distance. Not like this. Not being separate."

"It's good for us. It's what you wanted."

"No."

"Normal people can do this. Most couples can spend time apart. They can be separated for a night, a week, a month."

"I can't be away from you."

"You are away. You're fine."

"I miss you."

"You just saw me. You'll see me in the morning."

"You're not with me. I want you with me."

"When I'm around you, you hate it."

"I don't. I just...you smother me. You're always there. Always touching me."

"I like to touch you. You like it when I touch you."

"Why is everything my fault?"

"What?"

"Everything's my fault. I push you away, I lead you on, I do this, I do that, you don't do anything I don't want, you don't do anything I'm not asking for, it's my fault, it's my decision, it's all me me me. Why don't you take some responsibility for your fucked-up actions for once? You touch me all of the time because you like to get your hands on me, and that's it. It's not about how I like it, it's about how you like it."

"I am not fucked up."

Justin laughed.

"You're irrational. You're hot and cold. You want me, you hate me, I'm too close, I'm not close enough. You say I'm all over you, and then you beg me for sex."

"I do not beg you for sex."

"What?!"

"I don't!"

"Justin. God. You beg me every day, every night. You-"

"That's you."

"Me?"

"That's you."

"You beg me, and it's my fault? What's that about taking responsibility for your own actions?"

"You make me beg you."

"I don't make you do anything!"

"The fuck you don't!"

"What do I make you do?"

"Everything!"

"That's not an answer."

"You make me want you, you make me need you, you make me love you. You get-"

"I did not make you love me."

"Yes, you did."

"I make you love me? I made you love me? How-"

"I don't think I ever loved you at all."

"Bullshit," JC said without thinking.

"You've been dragging me around for years. Oh I'm so pretty oh I'm so sexy oh I'm so good oh you want me oh you love me oh I need you oh I want you oh I love you. You're always asking me to tell you things, tell you what I want, tell you I want you. You're all about me, so you've made me all about you. So in the end everything's about you. I'm only in love with you because you're narcissistic."

"You can't even spell narcissistic."

"Fuck you."

"No, we're not doing that anymore, remember? I can't touch you. And you don't want to fuck me, you don't really want me at all, it's some big conspiracy."

"Fuck you."

"Because I'm some evil sociopath who's been plotting and scheming to get you all twisted around. I just like to mess with your head, that's all."

"Bitch bitch bitch."

"You know what, Justin? I do love you. I do want you. Right now I wish you were right here in bed with me so I could-"

"Don't. Don't you even start."

"So I could make love to you. So I could-"

"Don't!"

"So I could kiss you and touch your body. Touch your body. I want you, Justin."

"Stop it."

"You're beautiful when you want me."

"I don't, I don't."

"Tell me you're hard."

"You're so fucking sick, JC."

"Tell me you're hard right now. Tell me you want me."

"I'm going to hang up on you."

"Tell me you want me, Justin."

"JC," Justin breathed. "God, JC, suck me."

"Come home to me."

"I want you to make love to me."

"Come home to me."

"Let me, let me make love to you. Let me get inside you."

"Come inside me, baby. Right where you belong."

"JC..." Justin's hips rose against his hand.

"I'm sorry," Lance said.

"He's twenty-two," AJ said. "He's an adult."

"I know."

"He and JC need to work out their own problems on their own time."

"They're not."

"That's their problem."

"They're my friends!"

"I'm all for friends. I have some great friends. But interfering in their lives isn't going to help."

"They need time apart."

"If they want time apart, they can take time apart."

"We can go out tomorrow night. Can we go out tomorrow night?"

"Yeah," AJ said. "You'd better make it up to me."

"How?"

"Let me screw you."

"I'm not giving you sex just so you can...okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay."

"Okay. Come over tomorrow when you get out of Jive."

"Okay."

"Miss me." AJ hung up the phone.

"JC..."

"Let me touch you, Justin."

Justin gasped.

"Let me make you feel good. I can make you feel good. That's all I want. Let me touch you. Let me make love to you."

"Oh, god, JC."

"Please, baby. I want you. I miss you. I can make you feel so good."

"Shit!"

Justin dropped the phone, hastily jamming his cock back into his pants. "Sorry, shit, sorry."

"You called JC?" Lance guessed from the other side of the door, hand over his eyes.

"Yeah. God, sorry." Justin opened the door again.

"I should have knocked."

"It's your bedroom. Oh. Sorry."

"That's...okay. It's a bedroom, you know, that's what they're for."

"I'm sorry."

"You called him?"

"Yeah. I miss him."

"It's only been a few hours."

"I can't stay here."

"Justin."

"I miss him."

"One night."

"I can't."

"I thought you hated him. Why are you doing...doing that?"

"I don't hate JC."

"Then why are you acting like you do?"

"Because I...I... He scares me."

"He scares you."

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Aren't you afraid of God sometimes?"

"God?"

"Yeah."

"God? I'm...God? Justin. That's..."

"He's everywhere, he's everything, you live for him even in the little things. Everything you do affects him, and everything he is affects you."

"I... Justin. You..."

"Doesn't that scare you sometimes? How much it all means? How important he is to you? Don't you get a little resentful? That he's made you so dependent?"

"We're dependent on God because we're His children."

"And God loves us. He takes care of us."

"Yes."

"JC always takes care of me," Justin said softly.

"Justin, you can't."

"I can't what?"

"Be serious."

"I'm going home now."

"I'm afraid for you," Lance said.

"I want to spend tonight with JC."

"Can you spend tonight here instead?"

"I don't want to."

"Do it anyway."

"Why?"

"For me, because I'm your friend and I'm asking you to."

Justin looked at Lance.

"Please, Justin."

"Let me call JC first."

"Why?"

"To tell him I'm staying."

Drew's fingertips trailed down the curve of Brian's ass.

"I think we should go out tomorrow," Nick said.

"You do?" Brian asked.

"Why?" Drew asked.

"Because you wanted to get to know gay people," Nick said.

"But you hated it last time we went out," Drew said.

"I've matured since then."

Brian laughed.

"Let's find a nice leather bar," Nick suggested.

"A what?" Brian asked.

"No," Drew said.

"Why not?" Nick asked.

"You know why not," Drew said.

"What's a leather bar?" Brian asked.

"You don't want to take out Brian?" Nick asked.

"No," Drew said, turning red.

Nick started to smile.

"What?" Brian demanded.

"Drew has perverted S&M fantasies about you," Nick said.

"I do not," Drew said.

"He wants to tie you up and make you lick him."

"I do not!"

"He thinks you'd look good in handcuffs."

"I do not!"

"We're going to tie you to the bed tomorrow."

"We are not!"

"I wonder if he has perverted S&M fantasies about me," Nick said.

"No!"

"Or Jeff."

"No!"

"Or Nick."

"I do not have...those...about my brother," Drew said.

Nick grinned wickedly.

"You're sick," Drew said.

"You want to play sex games with Brian and Jeff," Nick said.

"You want to play sex games with Brian and Jeff," Drew corrected.

"And your brother," Nick said. "And me."

"Anyone else?" Drew demanded.

"Probably JC and Kevin," Brian said.

"Don't be sick," Nick said.

"Why is role-playing with JC and Kevin sick, but doing it with his brother isn't?" Brian asked.

"Who wants to play sick sex games with Kevin?" Nick asked, and gave an unpleasant shudder. "Gross."

"Justin?"

"Hi. Lance wants me to stay."

"You're staying?"

"Just for tonight."

"Okay."

"I'll see you in the morning."

"Okay."

"Tell me you love me."

"I love you, Justin."

"Tell me you want me."

"I want you."

"What do you want?"

"I want to make love to you."

"With me?"

"To you."

God, that felt good. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Good night."

"Handsome."

"Tall."

"Cute."

"Blue-eyed."

"Blond."

"Generous."

"Horny."

"Ghetto bootied."

Drew smiled. "Young."

"Beautiful."

"Spoiled."

"Immature."

"Hey!" Nick said.

"Don't interrupt," Brian said.

"Stop saying mean things about me."

"We're not saying mean things about you."

"Okay. Let's see how you like it. Let's do you now."

"But I-"

"Fair's fair," Nick said. "Drew, you start."

"Beautiful."

"Take the easy one," Nick muttered. "Cute."

"Handsome."

"Blue-eyed."

"Talented."

"Sweet."

"Romantic."

"Generous."

"Friendly."

"Wholesome."

"Perverted."

Nick laughed. "Nice."

"Warm."

"Short."

"Loving."

"That's enough," Brian said.

"We're just getting started," Nick said.

"I have a dozen more," Drew said.

"No more," Brian said.

"Okay. Let's do Drew," Nick said.

"Let's not," Drew said.

"You start," Nick said.

"Sweet," Brian said.

"Hung."

"Short."

"Well-hung."

"Mine."

"Hung like a-"

"You two are impossible," Drew said.

"Yours," Brian said.

"Naked," Nick said.

"Perverted."

"Totally seriously way perverted."

Drew sighed and dropped to his back.

"Muscular," Brian said, with an appraising glance.

"Gorgeous," Nick said.

"Beautiful."

"Cute."

"Dimpled."

"Buffed."

"Circumcised."

Nick laughed. "Smart."

"Responsible."

"Incestuous."

"Virginal."

"Not for long," Nick said.

"Hello?"

"JC. It's Lance."

"How's Justin?"

"He's crying."

"Let me talk to him."

"Can you come over here?"

"I'm on my way."

matthew@matthewtime.com
"Destiny" Part Ten
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