Destiny: Part Four

Destiny, a story in 13 parts, sixth in the "Living" series

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise 98 Degrees, the Backstreet Boys, and *NSYNC are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor, the Savage Garden slashers, and anyone who's actually following this series.

Notice: "Living" series: "I Need You Tonight," "Boy Lead the Way to Ecstasy," "Not Easy," "No One," and "Rest in Peace."

Destiny is everything. -"Set Adrift on Memory Bliss"

"Destiny" Part Four: Every little thing that you have said and done / Feels like it's deep within me /
Doesn't really matter if you're on the run / It seems like we were meant to be.
-"As Long As You Love Me"

Justin reached over...and over...and his hand slid over the bedclothes, finding nothing. Frowning, he opened his eyes. No JC. He was alone.

He flopped onto his back, mentally cursing. Well, at least he didn't hear that music anymore. If it could be called music, and not some insane torture.

Speaking of insane... He had to do something. JC needed help. They needed help. This wasn't just a marital spat. Of course it wasn't; how could he have thought that it was? JC's love ran far too deep for any turbulence to be taken normally. They didn't have petty little fights. Their connection was too strong for them to bother with those. So now that they were fighting, having an actual fight, it was beyond normal boundaries.

He had to talk to JC. Really sit down and really talk. Which, yeah, maybe wasn't something that had been his first inclination, but what else was left? Ignoring the problem, avoiding it, hoping that it would go away or solve itself, would never work. Sex wasn't fixing anything. Making the fight worse; yeah, there was a great idea. They'd have to talk. Just sit down and talk. Okay. He could do that. It would be hard, but it was JC.

He dressed, visited the bathroom, and went to the living room. No JC. No JC anywhere.

Where had JC gone? To the studio? To get something? To avoid him?

Justin dropped to the sofa. Well, it bought him some time. He could try to figure out what he wanted to say to JC.

But he was worried. He didn't want JC outside and alone right now. JC should be here with him. In that state of mind...

Well, there was one way to make sure of JC's state of mind. Maybe JC had written something.

Justin reached down under himself, under the sofa cushion, groping for the notebook. The sacred notebook, which was less sacred if he looked in it, but it had given him a clue last time, so... Ah, there it was. He pulled it free and stretched out over the cushions, flipping the notebook open, paging through to the end.

"You play that one more time, JC, I'm going to kill you."

He frowned. He'd said that. Hunh. Weird. JC was quoting him.

Yeah, okay, it was the harshest thing he'd ever said, probably. He never talked like that to JC. Mostly because he had no reason to be mean to JC; and, even in jest, he didn't want to think about JC dying.

JC dying.

"You play that one more time, JC, I'm going to kill you."

JC dying.

"You play that one more time, JC, I'm going to kill you."

Oh, no...

Brian, clean from his shower, walked into the den. "Hey."

"Hey," the Lachey brothers said, lounging on the sofa.

"Nick's in the kitchen."

"We know," Drew said, rolling his eyes. "With Jeff."

"He's not wearing his shirt."

"What?" Drew asked.

"And he's feeding Jeff grapes."

"What?!" Nick roared, getting to his feet.

"With his bare hands?" Drew demanded.

There was a stampede to the kitchen.

"What are you doing?" Nick demanded.

"Eating," Nick said, and popped another grape into Jeff's mouth. Jeff licked his thumb; his eyes closed briefly.

"Grapes," Drew said, not too intelligently.

"I like this kind," Nick said. "The red ones are sweet and round and they crunch a little when you bite into them."

"Don't sit on my table," Drew said to Jeff.

"He let me put him there," Nick said.

"He let you put him there?" Brian repeated.

"I got to put my hands on his hips and everything. It was fun."

"Why aren't you wearing your shirt?" Drew asked.

"It was wet."

"Why was it wet?" Brian asked.

"That's my fault," Drew admitted. "I poured cold water on him."

"Jeff thinks you're mean," Nick said. "I think he's right."

"You want to know what I think?" Nick asked.

"Nope," Nick said. "Jeff doesn't either."

"You speak for him now?"

"His mouth is full."

"Would you stop feeding him grapes!" Drew protested.

"We finished the strawberries."

"We had strawberries?"

"I bought some," Brian said.

"You fed Jeff strawberries?" Nick demanded.

"Yes," Nick said. "It was fun."

"Stop having fun with my husband!"

"Drew?"

"What?" Drew asked, a bit snappishly.

"When you and Jeff went shopping...and he bought you a thong...did he get one, too?"

"Yeah. I think it was black."

Nick went very still.

"Why are you talking to him about your underwear?" Nick asked.

Jeff, since Nick was no longer feeding him, said, "He asked."

"You didn't have to tell him!"

"Did you see it on him?" Nick Carter asked Drew suddenly.

"No," Drew said.

Nick reached, carefully, and put his fingers on Jeff's shoulder.

"Nick saw it," Jeff said. Nick stared at him. "When I put it on this morning."

"And he let you out of the house?" Brian asked. Then Brian turned red and backed away a little. Drew almost smiled.

"You saw?" Nick asked Nick, fingers sliding bit by bit to Jeff's clavicle.

"Yes," Nick said.

"He's wearing it? Right now?"

"Yes."

Nick's gaze dropped to Jeff's lap. "Right now?"

"Right now," Jeff said, and put a grape into Nick's mouth. Nick bit down and the sweet juice burst over his tongue.

"Do something," Drew said to Brian.

"I want to have sex with you," Nick said to Jeff.

"I know," Jeff said, letting Nick's touch wander down a bit more, onto his chest.

"I don't think I'm allowed."

"You're not."

"Damn."

Jeff lifted Nick's hand a second before it would have found his nipple. "You can help me down."

"Oh, just stay here and have sex," Nick said, and left the room.

"Really?" Nick asked brightly.

"He didn't mean that," Drew said.

"No, he said it," Nick said. "He said it, he meant it, we can have sex now. On the table!"

"Go get him," Drew said to Brian with a little push. He came around the table and, not very gently, shoved Nick out of the way. "Get off of my table," he said to Jeff, and put his hands on Jeff's hips, pulling, and Jeff's hands came to his shoulders and Jeff jumped down, and then they were there, very close, and Drew said, softly, "Oh."

"Can we have sex with Drew, too?" Nick asked.

"I'm not allowed," Jeff said.

"He won't mind," Nick said.

"Brian might," Jeff said, fingers rising from Drew's shoulder to Drew's cheek.

"I won't tell him," Nick said. "I'll go lock him in a closet or something to make sure he doesn't interrupt. You two stay here and get started." He ran from the room and located Brian and Nick in the den. Nick was in the process of, it appeared at first glance, stripping. "Wow. What'd I miss?"

"Get out," Nick said.

"He has tattoos like Drew's," Brian explained. "For Jeff."

"Yeah, yeah, Jeff told me. Let me see," Nick said.

Nick sighed and finished pulling off his shirt. There, on his right side, above his pelvic bone, was Jeff's name in fancy script, a flower on either side, one a shade of purple, the other a deep pink.

"That's beautiful," Brian said.

"What are they?" Nick asked. "What do they mean? Short and well-hung?"

Brian poked Nick. Nick poked Brian.

"It's none of your business," Nick said.

"Tell us anyway," Nick said.

"They're beautiful," Brian said, meaning it.

"I'll just ask Jeff," Nick said. "Oh! Stay here." He ran off again.

Brian and Nick exchanged a glance before following Nick.

And the three of them found Jeff in the kitchen, before Drew, on his knees, hands on Drew's hips.

"Holy shit," Nick Carter said.

"What are you doing?" Brian asked.

Drew lowered his shirt and pushed at Jeff's hands. "Jeff hadn't seen my tattoos yet." He smacked at Jeff's hands again, and Jeff finally let go, standing.

"Nick showed us his but he won't tell us what they mean," Nick said.

"It's none of your business," Nick said.

"We got roses," Nick said. "And honeysuckle. Which is giving me dirty thoughts."

"Everything gives you dirty thoughts," Nick said.

"You don't."

"I do so."

"No, you really don't."

"No fighting with the in-laws," Jeff told his husband.

"He's not my in-law, he's my brother's boyfriend who's about to get his butt kicked."

"You want me to send you out to the car?"

"I want them to send him to his room."

"Can Jeff come with me?" Nick asked.

"Sure," Jeff said.

"Good. Let's go."

"You can go upstairs by yourself," Drew said. "And Jeff, either stop teasing him or go home."

"He can't go," Nick said.

"Why not?" Drew asked.

"He hasn't come on to Brian yet. It's Brian's turn."

"That's okay," Brian said.

Jeff's fingers skimmed over the tattoo around Nick Carter's upper right arm. "Guess we'll go, then." He smiled up at Nick. "Want to come?"

"Yes," Nick said. He grabbed Jeff's hand and headed for the door, stopped short when Nick got in his way, hand on his chest. "You can stay here," he told Nick. Then he looked down. "You know you're touching me."

Nick jerked his hand back quickly.

"Thought so." Nick shoved Nick aside and headed for the front door, Jeff in tow.

"You might want a shirt," Jeff suggested.

"Why?"

"Good point."

Nick opened the door. The phone rang. "Go get that," he told Nick, who'd followed. He walked outside, Jeff at his side, holding hands, and headed for the car. "Can I drive?"

"It's Nick's car," Jeff said. "He has the keys."

"We'll take my car," Nick decided. Nick was storming in their direction, not looking happy.

"Nick!" Drew ran out onto the porch. "Nick!"

Nick dropped Jeff's hand and ran straight for Drew. "What is it?" he asked quickly.

"It's JC."

Lance was talking on his cell phone, staring fixedly out through the car window as AJ drove slowly. "I don't know. No! Keep him there. Don't let him out of the apartment. Did Chris find anything at the studio? Okay. I don't know. I guess that's all we can do. And you called Nick? Okay. Yeah, that's... I don't know. We'll keep looking. Right. Bye."

"Nothing?" AJ asked.

"We must be missing something. He has to be somewhere."

"How's Justin?"

"Joey's worried. If anything happens to JC..."

"Yeah." If anything happened to JC, there was no question of what would happen to Justin.

Standing in the open doorway to the kitchen, Joey watched Justin. Justin was in sweatpants and a white ribbed tank undershirt, sitting curled in the armchair, paging through JC's lyric books. "God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You" was playing incessantly, had been on since Joey's arrival, and Joey's one suggestion of turning it off had been met with a fierce reaction.

Everyone else was out looking for JC, crawling through the Orlando area, checking in periodically to say that there was no sign of JC anywhere. They hadn't reported him missing yet, were afraid of the publicity, but the thought was on everyone's mind. It was up to Joey to stay here with Justin, keep Justin from leaving or falling apart. It was an awful task, and Joey didn't really feel up to it. He had no idea what to say, what to do.

He'd spent years with these two, he knew them better than almost anyone else, he'd watched them close up as their relationship evolved, and now... He knew that if something happened to JC, he stood no chance of helping Justin. No one did.

The only person with a worse job, right now, was Kevin.

Kevin was calling the hospitals. And their morgues.

"He wouldn't. I know he wouldn't. He wouldn't do that to Justin."

"If-"

"He wouldn't do that to Justin. He'd never hurt Justin like that."

"If he thought that it's what Justin wanted-"

"People say stuff like that all of the time! They never mean it. JC would know Justin didn't mean it."

"He hasn't been himself."

"That doesn't mean he'd..."

"I know. I know. Come here."

"Justin..."

"He'll be okay. JC will be okay, too."

"If... He'd blame himself. If..."

"I know. It's not his fault. But...he would. If."

"What are we going to do?"

"Find JC. Bring him home to Justin."

"It's getting late."

"We can't stop."

"It's dark."

"It's been dark."

"We've been looking for hours."

"We'll keep looking."

"Maybe we should get help."

"No! We're not calling the police. I don't want this-"

"It's not our decision. I'm not saying that. Maybe we should go back to the apartment, talk to Justin about it."

Silence.

"You want to?"

"I don't want to go back there."

"Why not?"

"I don't know what to say to him."

"Justin."

Justin looked up quickly, completely startled, blue eyes wide. Something in the back of Joey's brain, even now, had to stop and admire Justin's beauty. The rest of him carried on regardless.

"It's really late. Maybe you should go to bed."

"No."

"You have to be tired."

"No." Justin's eyes widened and his head turned towards the stereo. He opened his mouth and sang, perfectly in synch with his own voice, "How can it be that right here with me there's an angel? It's a miracle." Then he looked back down to JC's lyric books, turning a page.

Joey was absolutely certain that he was in way over his head here.

"Anything?"

"No."

Knock at the door. Joey's heart stammered and he ran to answer it.

Justin didn't so much as look up from JC's notebook.

Joey yanked at the chain and pulled open the door and- "Lance."

"Sorry," Lance said. "I wish."

"Come in," Joey said, and Lance and AJ entered. He closed the door again.

"How is he?" Lance asked.

"Wasn't this song on when we were in here before?" AJ asked.

"It's been on all day," Joey said, "and all night."

"The same song?" Lance asked.

"I think it has something to do with the angel-miracle lines," Joey said. "I don't know. He's been sitting there reading JC's lyric books a million times in a row. He hasn't left the chair for a while."

"I guess it's better now that he's...quiet," Lance said.

"I don't know."

"Joey. I think that we need to call the police."

"It's been hours," AJ said gently.

"I know," Joey said, and there were tears in his eyes. "I know, I... Can we call without Justin's permission?"

"He won't let us?" Lance asked.

"I don't think so. You can ask."

Lance glanced to AJ, who nodded. He inhaled slowly and crossed the room. "Justin."

Justin turned a page.

"Justin." He crouched by the armchair. "Justin, we've been looking for a long time now. I think that we need help."

"Help," Justin repeated, eyes on the words.

"Justin-"

"Help me I broke apart my insides."

"Justin-"

"Help me I've got no soul to sell."

"Shit," Joey said, walking over to them.

"Help me the only thing that works for me."

"He's doing it again," Lance said.

"Help my get away from myself."

"Justin," Joey said.

"Help me tear down my reason."

"Your reason's pretty much torn, kid," Joey said. "Justin!"

"Help me it's your sex I can smell."

"Justin!"

"Help me you make me perfect."

"Justin, you're scaring me," Lance said.

"Help me become somebody else."

"I think that's it," Joey said. They waited. Justin was quiet. "Thank god."

"That's so creepy," Lance said.

"I didn't even think Justin listened to Nine Inch Nails."

"He doesn't," Lance said.

"Then how'd he memorize that?"

Lance shook his head.

"We need help," Joey said. "I'm calling the police now."

Knock at the door.

Justin's head flew up; he was on his feet in an instant. "JC?"

"Joey!" Chris called. "Joey, we've got him, open the door!"

"Where was he?!"

"They don't know. Howie and Chris found him sitting in the hallway right outside the apartment."

"That close?"

"AJ and Lance got there like two minutes earlier, so he can't have been there very long."

"That's insane. He's okay? I mean...physically?"

"He...he had a gun."

"What?!"

"A handgun. Loaded. They don't know where he got it, how he got it, whether..."

"Whether what?"

"Whether he was going to kill himself or..."

"Or what?"

"Or himself and Justin."

"Oh my god."

"When he wakes up, maybe we'll know more."

"How's Justin?"

"It's...hard to say. Joey really thinks that they need help."

"You mean a psychiatrist."

"Yeah."

"It's gone beyond that."

Justin was lying beside JC, on his side, watching. Waiting. Silent and unmoving.

JC slept.

In the living room, Chris fidgeted nervously, Joey and Lance slept, AJ paced, and Howie and Nick Carter talked quietly.

Brian sat half-propped on pillows, holding Drew in his arms, against his chest.

"It scares me," Drew said, breaking the long silence.

"What does?" Brian asked softly.

"That their feelings for each other are that intense. That they can feel so profoundly."

Brian was quiet.

"And that I understand how they feel."

Justin knew when JC awakened.

Blue eyes opened. JC looked confused for a moment. "Justin?"

"I'm right here, baby."

JC's eyes found his. "Justin. Oh, Justin, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Tears began to spill down JC's cheeks.

"Sshhh," Justin said, putting his arms around JC, holding JC close, smoothing down JC's hair. "Sshhh, it's okay, baby, it's okay."

Chris backed away from the doorway, swallowing.

"What?" Joey asked, rising.

Chris faced them. "JC's awake."

"What's wrong?" Lance asked. He went to the bedroom doorway. Watched. Listened. Stepped back. "Oh my god." He turned to Chris. "Justin's acting like JC."

"What?" Joey asked.

"What do you mean?" Nick Carter asked.

"He's acting like JC," Lance said.

"It could just be a reaction," Chris said. "It doesn't have to mean anything."

Joey stood in the doorway and watched.

"Sshhh," Justin said, and rubbed JC's back, stroked JC's hair. "It's okay, baby, I'm here, it's all right, I'll take care of you. I'll take care of you, JC. Let me make everything all right for you, baby."

Nick dragged himself into the house and up the stairs. He headed straight for the bedroom, kicked off his sneakers, and climbed into the bed.

"Nick?"

He let himself be wrapped in Brian's embrace, closing his eyes. Drew climbed across from Brian's other side and settled behind him, hugging him from the back. A Nick sandwich. He pressed closer to Brian, pulled Drew's arms tighter, and knew that this was one of those rare, potent days that said, "Your life will never be the same."

Three members of *NSYNC stood together in the Timberlake Chasez living room.

"We can't just leave."

"We can't stay here forever."

"We can't leave them alone."

"I know, but...we can't just stay."

"Someone has to. I will."

"Justin won't let you."

"He never leaves the room, he'll never even notice."

"That's not funny."

"You want me to stand here crying? I will! And once I start I'll never stop!"

"I know. I'm sorry."

"I can't even tell you how much I'm sorry for right now."

"What are we going to do?"

"We can't leave them alone. Not yet."

"You think they'll do something?"

"Where's the gun?"

"AJ has it. We'll take it to the police on our way home."

"Okay. You two go, take AJ and Howie. I'll stay here. And either you can come and take over later, or I'll just stay."

"Stay for how long?"

"Until they're back to normal."

"You think that'll happen?"

Joey couldn't answer.

Justin's heartbeat was under JC's ear, his hand stroking JC's hair, his arm around JC's torso. JC's fingers were clinging to his undershirt even in sleep. "Rest, angel," Justin murmured. "I'll take care of you."

Jeff rolled to his back.

"Jeff?"

"What?"

"Are you going to sleep ever?"

"No."

Nick rolled over, pulled himself up onto one elbow. "They're going to be okay."

"Are they?"

"Yes."

"You think you'd ever do that?"

"Do what? Buy an illegal handgun? Never."

"Kill yourself."

"No."

"Good." There was a silence. "You're lying to me."

"Of course I am."

Jeff grabbed Nick, pushing him down firmly, staring into his eyes through the darkness. "Nick, don't you dare, ever, ever think about killing yourself."

"I won't."

Jeff's fist met the mattress. "Stop lying to me!"

"I can't make promises like that! I can't promise to you that I won't think about it. I have thought about it."

"You have? When?" Jeff asked, startled, frightened.

"When you got shot." Nick's fingers traced unerringly down the scars of the exit wounds on Jeff's back. "From the second it happened until the second you got out of that hospital, I knew I had the capacity for suicide. I could have killed myself. Of course it was wrong, you don't need to tell me that, it was awful and stupid and wrong and I never should have considered it. But that's when I knew that I had that ability inside myself."

"Never do that. Not for me. Not for anything, anybody."

"I think you're the only thing on this planet that could get me to."

"And I'm telling you not to. Are you listening to me?"

"I won't. I won't do it."

"Promise me."

"I promise you, Jeff."

"You really thought about it?"

"Yes."

"You should have told me. Said something."

"You had enough problems."

"Something like that, I don't care what else is going on, you tell me. You're too important."

"I love you."

"You'd better."

"I'm okay, really. I'd never actually do that."

"But you thought about it. I don't even want you thinking about it."

"I thought you were going to die."

"I didn't die."

"Neither did I."

"If I had?"

"I don't know."

Baby will you be there when I open my eyes. -"Set Adrift on Memory Bliss"

JC's lashes fluttered.

"Hey, baby."

"Justin," he said, licking his lips, sitting up a bit. He rubbed at one eye, looking dazed. "What time is it? What day is it?"

"I don't know," Justin said.

"I'm hungry. And I have to go to the bathroom." JC rolled from the bed and walked from the room.

Justin rose, stretched, changed clothes, tried to fix his hair. JC was hungry. JC needed food. He headed for the kitchen - - and found Joey in there, peeling an orange. "Hi."

"Hi," Joey said. "You're up."

"What are you doing here?"

"Just...checking."

"On what?"

"You and JC."

"We're fine." He opened the refrigerator. "Where's the milk?"

"Threw it away. It was sort of old. You're fine?"

"We're fine." Oranges, good, vitamin C. No milk meant no cereal. What did they have? Frozen waffles?

JC joined them. "Joey." He came right up and didn't stop until he was standing against Justin, chest to Justin's back. He was wearing what Justin had changed him into when he'd first returned, sweatpants and a blue T-shirt.

"JC," Joey said. "You okay?"

"He's fine," Justin said.

"I'm fine," JC said with a small, fleeting smile.

"That's good. Mind if I use your phone?"

"Go ahead," Justin said, plugging in the toaster.

Lance hung up the phone.

"What's going on?" AJ asked, sitting beside him on the sofa.

"They're awake."

"That's good."

"Justin says they're fine. Fine. How can they be fine? He's acting like everything's pretty much normal, and JC's standing so close they're sharing skin, and...fine."

"You think it's... Justin was acting like JC. Now they're sharing skin. You think they're... They had a fight. It turned into a whole drama. They were separated. Maybe while they were separated, they got lost and confused."

"They were lost and confused."

"So without each other, they don't know who they are."

"So they switched identities?"

"Or they're trying to share identities."

"And become one person? Yeah, that sounds romantic in a psychotic, sci-fi way."

"You know what we need to do? If that's true?"

"I'm all ears, amateur Freud."

"Remind JC who he is."

"That's it?"

"That's it. No. Remind JC who Justin is, and let him know that Justin's in trouble. Then his brain will kick into gear."

"Because JC will respond, that protective instinct. He'd never let anything happen to Justin."

"Right."

"It'll never work."

"You have a better idea?"

His tongue met Nick's tattoo, licked over his name. He tasted the flowers: lilac first, then gladioli. First love. Strength of character.

"Jeff?"

"Nick?" he asked, and kissed Nick's pelvic bone.

"Can we make love again?"

"Sure. Top or bottom?"

"I get to choose this time?"

"Sure."

"You're being awfully nice."

"Because you just came two seconds ago and you're in no shape to take advantage of it."

"Oh. Okay."

Jeff smiled and slid up Nick's body. "Since you just came, do I get to be on top?"

"This time."

"Oh, this time. What about next time?"

"Next time I'll be on top, if you ask me nicely."

"And if I don't ask you nicely?"

"Well...you could always beg."

"You'd like that."

"I would."

Lips met, tongues met. "You wish." Another kiss, longer. Jeff spread Nick's thighs with a practiced hand and reached for the lube.

When Lance knocked at the door, Joey let him into the apartment. He saw Justin lying on the floor, JC lying half on top of Justin, toying with Justin's curls.

"He's writing," Joey said.

"Justin?" Lance asked. Sure, Justin wrote lyrics, but...okay, this was getting weird. Lance walked over to them and said, "JC, can I talk to you?"

"He's busy," Justin said without looking.

"Just for a minute," Lance said. "It's important."

"I'm busy," JC said, and propped his chin on Justin's shoulder.

"JC, please. It's important."

"What is it?" Justin asked.

"It's private," Lance said.

"We don't have secrets," Justin said.

"Then JC can tell you as soon as I'm finished telling him," Lance said.

Justin shrugged the shoulder JC wasn't on top of, and said, "Whatever."

JC, half-lazily, half with obvious, extreme reluctance, rolled off of Justin and stood. He walked back down the hallway and stopped in the bedroom door, crossing his arms over his chest. "What?"

"I'm worried about Justin."

Slight crease between JC's eyebrows. "Why?"

"He hasn't been himself lately. He's unhappy. He doesn't play basketball or spend time with his friends. He just hangs out here. I think he's depressed."

"Are you...are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm worried, JC. I think we need to help Justin. I was hoping that you could do something. He counts on you."

JC was frowning, confused, worried.

"I have to go. Take care of him." Lance hesitated, then left.

Brian sat beside Nick on the sofa, Drew taking his other side. "You okay?"

"AJ said they're trying to get through to JC."

"They'll be okay," Brian said. "They have people looking out for them."

"Does it matter if other people are looking out for you if you're not looking out for yourself?" Nick asked.

"Sometimes it does."

"Remember their wedding?"

"Yes."

"JC wanted me to sing 'I Need You Tonight,' but Justin didn't want a Backstreet Boy performing at his wedding. Justin was still a little tense around me, then, because he'd been thinking before that JC and I were lovers. But JC and I were just friends. Good friends. When you left me, he was there for me, he was...he was so supportive, he really helped me."

Brian wiped Nick's tears and listened.

"I never thought about killing myself then. I thought about killing you, but not myself. But...when Drew...I was so scared, it hurt so much, I thought...I thought, if he's gone... If he's gone, there's nothing left, there's no reason... I know, I know that's wrong, it's not even true, it's stupid and blind, but I thought...without Drew... I was so scared, Brian. I didn't know what I would do."

"You would have kept on living," Brian said. "And I would have helped you."

"I wouldn't have done it. I know that. But just the thought of it...it was there, in my head, just waiting, like, yeah, this is an option, here's a way out. It wasn't even some romantic thing, like I'd die so I could go off and be with him. It was just a way to escape, I was so scared. I never felt pain like that before."

Brian's fingers tipped Nick's chin, making Nick face him, gently, serious. "Nick. If you ever feel that way again, if you're ever scared, or hurt, or worried, you come to me. You tell me. Tell Drew. Tell your parents, Kevin, Howie, AJ, JC, Justin, Jeff, Nick, I don't care who, tell somebody, tell everybody. Okay?"

Nick nodded.

"Promise me. Nick. Promise me."

"I promise."

Brian wiped at Nick's tears again. "Go give Drew a hug."

Nick turned, squeezed Drew. Drew hugged him back, held onto him, said, softly, "I love you, Nick."

"Come sit in my lap."

"I'm too heavy."

"I don't care." He hauled Drew closer, and Drew sighed and climbed onto him, resting back against his chest, head on Nick's shoulder. Nick gave him another squeeze from behind and said, "I like you."

"Thanks," Drew said.

"Why do you always make me happy?"

"I don't know," Drew said.

"You're yummy."

"Yummy?" Drew repeated.

"You're very yummy. I look at you and I want to taste you." He finished wiping at his drying tears, cleared his throat. "All over."

"All over?"

"Let's go upstairs and have sex."

"Now?"

"Now. We haven't done that in over twenty-four hours. I almost forget how, it's been so long. We'd better get back in practice."

"I'm comfortable here."

"Okay. We'll have sex on the sofa. Here, Brian, hold him."

"What?" Drew asked, and he was pushed and pulled, and then he was in Brian's lap. "Uh...hi."

Brian smiled. "Humor him."

"Humor me," Nick agreed, and kissed Drew. "Yummy. I like that tiny mole right," he licked it, "right there," he licked it again, "right underneath your lip. And, mmm," he sucked Drew's earlobe into his mouth, small gold hoop and all. Drew gasped at the sensation. Then Nick leaned down, and Brian, as though mind-reading, lifted Drew's shirt. Nick's mouth met Drew's new tattoos, licking Nick's name first, then Brian's, then tracing the vines of honeysuckle across Drew's body, tasting the flowers. His hand slid down Drew's thigh, down Drew's calf, and found Drew's foot, pulling it up onto the sofa; and once he finished with Drew's torso, he moved on to Drew's toes.

Justin slept.

JC watched.

I'd do anything for you / Anything you want me to. -"Anywhere for You"

"Your family. My family. Nick's family. Your friends. My friends. Nick's friends. Universal people. Jive people."

"That's a lot of guests," Drew said.

"I know how to cut the guest list," Nick said.

"How?" Brian asked.

"Don't invite Nick."

"Good. You're not invited."

"I meant Nick Timmons-Lachey."

"We have to invite him. He's one of the ushers."

"You have to invite me, too! I'm the best man."

"Nick can be the best man," Drew suggested.

"Good," Brian said.

"You're replacing me with that...that...I'm so much better-looking than he is."

Brian and Drew exchanged a glance.

"I am! He looks funny."

"He looks funny?" Drew repeated.

"He does! And I sing better, too."

Brian carefully wrote, at the top of the paper: Best Man: Nick Timmons-Lachey.

"No! No! Pick me, you have to pick me. I'll give you a blowjob."

Brian underlined it.

"Okay, so I know he would, too. But I'm better at it."

Brian started the list of ushers.

"I am! Really. Drew? Drew, I'm better, tell Brian I'm better.'

"Better than whom at what?"

"I'm better than Nick at giving blowjobs. Tell him."

Brian waited, eyebrows raised, pen poised.

"I don't know. It was a while ago."

"See! You don't even remember it. He's no good. Pick me."

"I wonder where he'd like to go for the honeymoon," Brian said.

"What?!"

"The best man's coming along on the honeymoon. Don't you remember?"

"No! He can't go with you. No, no, that's not...wait. If he's with you, then Jeff's going to be here. Alone." Nick pondered.

Drew sighed.

"Okay. He can be the best man. I'll sit in the congregation and stare at your ass."

Brian drew a line down Nick's nose. "Now who's funny-looking?"

Nick licked his finger and scrubbed at his nose. "I hate you."

"Go wash it off," Brian said. "Drew, call your brother and tell him he's the best man."

"If he's coming with us on the honeymoon," Drew said, "shouldn't Jeff come with us, too?"

"Of course," Brian said.

"No!" Nick protested.

"They are married," Brian reminded Nick.

"I don't care!"

"Go wash that off," Brian said. "Go."

"You have to take me with you."

"Not looking like that."

"I'm the best man!"

"Yeah, you've really proven that."

"You're picking on me! Stop picking on me!"

Drew kissed him. "We love you. Go wash your face."

"That's why I like him better," Nick told Brian. "He's nice to me."

"That's okay. I like him better, too," Brian said.

Nick glared at Brian and left the room. Brian kissed Drew and went back to making lists. Then he checked his watch. "Where is he?"

"Pouting somewhere?" Drew guessed. "I'll go check." He padded down the hallway, peeking through doors. No Nick. Then he heard Nick's voice, and looked into the den. Nick was lying stretched out on the sofa, eyes closed, one hand resting between spread thighs. Drew's eyes narrowed, and he crept nearer to Nick.

"Oh, yeah," Nick said, and licked his lips.

Closer.

"Yes."

Closer.

"I-"

"Drew?"

Nick's eyes flew open. "Holy shit!" He quickly turned off the phone, sitting up straight.

Brian appeared in the doorway. "Drew?" he said again.

"Nick," Drew asked calmly, "did you call Jeff?"

"I was going to talk to your idiot brother. But Jeff answered."

"And?"

"And we started talking."

"About?"

"You."

"Me?" Drew asked, taken aback.

"You."

"But you...oh." Drew turned red.

Nick smiled. "Yep."

"You were talking about me?"

"Jeff is off of the guest list," Brian said. "He's not an usher. He's not allowed near the church."

"Hey, but I know why he was coming on to me the other day," Nick said.

"Why?" Brian asked, suspicious.

"Nick told him to. Nick's mad at me for getting you two engaged. He was trying to punish me. Didn't really work."

"He's mad?" Drew asked.

"But I know how to make him feel better. If you want. Not that I care what he thinks."

"How?"

"Where's the gun?"

Chris looked up quickly. "The gun?"

"Where's the gun, Chris?"

"We took it to the police. Lance and AJ took it. They didn't say it was yours."

JC nodded. "Okay. Can you go?"

"Right now?"

"Yes. I want to be alone with Justin."

"I'm sorry, JC. I can't."

"You can't?"

"We're worried about you. We don't think that you should be left alone."

JC's eyes flickered. "You think I'd hurt Justin. You think I'd hurt Justin?"

"Why did you have the gun?"

"To shoot myself! My god! I'd never hurt Justin, I'd never, ever...my...you...he..." JC was so shocked and so furious that he couldn't even find the words to express his upset. "Get out!"

"I can't."

"I had that gun to kill myself, I got it to kill myself, but I couldn't go through with it, I was too weak, I couldn't do it. And as long as I'm on this planet, I will do whatever is in my power to keep Justin safe and happy. No matter what. Now get out of this apartment and let me take care of him."

"I can't go, JC. I'll stay out of your way."

"Fine. Go in the kitchen. And stay in there."

Chris nodded and went.

"JC?" Justin asked, coming out from the bedroom. "I heard yelling. Are you okay?"

"It's okay, baby, go back to bed," JC said, putting an arm around him, guiding him back to the bedroom.

"You're okay?"

"Come on, back to bed. You need your rest. You look awful."

"I do?"

"No, you're beautiful," JC said. "But sleep some more anyway. You haven't been taking care of yourself."

"Okay, I'll sleep," Justin said. "But you have to sing to me."

"Sing to you? Aren't you too old for a lullabye?"

"Sing to me," Justin said.

"Can I tuck you in, too?"

"Sure."

JC tucked him in cosily and said, "Okay. Which song do you want? A classic lullabye?"

"'God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You.'"

"You're sure?" JC asked, surprised.

"Yeah. Sing to me."

JC slid down, putting an arm around Justin. "Okay. Close your eyes."

Justin's eyes closed, and he rested comfortably against JC.

"Can this be true, tell me can this be real? How can I put into words what I feel? My life was complete, I thought I was whole; why do I feel like I'm losing control? I never thought that love could feel like this. When you changed my world with just one kiss. How can it be that right here with me there's an angel? It's a miracle..."

Drew hung up the phone and went to find Brian and Nick. They were on the sofa in the den, Brian writing, Nick sketching, each resting against one of the armrests, pretending that they weren't kicking each other. Drew waited until they looked up from their work. "He'll agree to marry us, but he wants to see us first. Pre-marital counseling. With Nick."

"Oh, that's not good," Nick said.

"He knows we're together," Brian said.

"Yeah, but...he's a pastor. Won't he tell us we're going to Hell?"

"He's been supportive of us," Brian said.

"Nobody's going to Hell," Drew said.

"Well, we all know you're not," Nick said. "And Brian's not. So two out of three isn't bad."

"You're going to Heaven," Brian said. "You have a beautiful spirit."

"Anyway," Drew said, "I won't go if you don't go."

"I don't think they'd let you into Hell," Nick said.

"So you'll have to come to Heaven with us," Drew said.

"You'd look good with wings," Nick said. "Mmm. There's a nice fantasy," he said, pulling Drew down into his lap. "Sex with the Drew angel."

"Your halo's slipping already."

JC's fingers stroked the soft skin of Justin's cheek, pleased by the slight burn of stubble.

"In all of creation, all things great and small, you are the one that surpasses them all. More precious than any diamond or pearl, they broke the mold when you came in this world. And I'm trying hard to figure out just how I ever did without the warmth of your smile, the heart of a child that's deep inside, leaves me purified..."

"You ever think about suicide?"

"No."

"You ever think about murder?"

"No."

"You ever think about marriage?"

"Sometimes."

"You love me?"

"Always."

Brian blinked to clear his vision. It didn't work. Oh no, he'd come so hard he'd blinded himself.

"Brian?"

Oh, that was better. Look, Drew. Hi, Drew.

"He's gone," Nick said. "God that was good. Do that to me again."

"I don't think I can," Drew said.

"That's it?"

"You can go to sleep, you know."

"Is that what beds are for? I thought they were just handy surfaces for sex. But what isn't a handy surface for sex?"

"A cheese grater?"

"Didn't I ever tell you that story?"

"Nick, go to sleep."

"Okay." Brian heard them kiss. "Good night." Then Nick's lips were on his. "Good night, Brian."

Good night, Nick.

Drew kissed him, too, and then settled in, snuggling right up to him. "Good night."

Good night, Drew. Oh. So warm and strong and good. Felt so good. He loved Drew. "I wanna," he yawned, "make love to you." He yawned again, closing his eyes.

"That was Nick."

"When?"

"On the phone earlier."

"You're not going to drop this, are you?"

"It was."

"Nick, it was hours ago."

"What were you talking about?"

"Hours ago."

"You were talking about Drew. I know you were talking about Drew."

"Nick..."

"And me. You were talking about me, I heard you."

"Then why are you asking?"

"What did he say about me?"

"He said that you're obsessive and annoying and you need to let me sleep."

"Go to sleep."

"Thank you."

"Jeff?"

"What?"

"Would you do something for me?"

"What?"

I'm in delusion every minute every hour / My heart is crying out for you.
-"Get Down"

Brian woke up, rolled over, ran into Nick. "Morning."

"Morning." Nick stretched against him.

"Where's Drew?"

"Kitchen? Hey. You remember last night?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Remember a conversation right before you fell asleep?"

"No. Yes. You told Drew about the cheese grater!"

"I did not. You said something."

"What?"

"You told Drew that you want to make love to him."

Brian froze. "I what?"

"You did."

"And he heard me?"

"Yes."

Footsteps mounting the stairs.

"I didn't mean it," Brian whispered.

"Yes, you did."

"Not...not like that, not now, not...yes, I meant it, I just..."

Drew reached the top of the stairs.

"It's good," Nick whispered. "We need to talk about it."

"No, we don't!"

"Yes, we do!"

"Are you two fighting?" Drew asked, and sat on the foot of the bed.

"Brian wants to fuck you," Nick said.

"I do not!"

"I do," Nick said. Brian smacked his arm; he smacked Brian's arm; Brian smacked his arm again. "I do!" Nick exclaimed.

"You know we're trying not to put pressure on you," Brian said to Drew, deciding to ignore Nick. "But it would help if we knew whether we'll be allowed to make love to you in the near future, or at some vague point later, or never at all. If you think that you don't want it and you won't want it, we'll understand."

"Lots of guys don't do that," Nick said. "If you're just not...that's cool."

"I thought." Drew plucked at the bedclothes, avoiding their eyes. "I thought we could have a traditional honeymoon."

"Traditional," Nick said.

"Honeymoon," Brian said. They exchanged a look.

"Yes," Drew said. "If you want."

"Okay, we're doing that," Nick said. "Brian, do it, make it good, but go fast so it's my turn."

"We can't both make love to him the first night," Brian said.

"Yes, we can."

"Why don't you make love to him the first time, and I'll make love to him the next time?"

"No, you go first."

"Why me?"

"He'll be your husband."

"That doesn't-"

"Yes. It does."

Brian's knuckles brushed Nick's cheek gently. "Nick."

"Don't get mushy."

"Drew?" Brian asked. "Who do you want first?"

"Whoever's available," Drew said.

"You first," Nick said to Brian. "Then it's my turn. It's going to be so good. Let's practice now."

"Practice?"

"Yeah. You both fuck me, and we'll both fuck you, and then we'll all be in good shape for the honeymoon."

"I don't think that we need to practice."

"You want to do it wrong?"

"I won't do it wrong."

"Better make sure. Here, fuck me. Or make love to me. Either's good."

Brian kissed Nick. "I love you."

"Oh. Okay. I love you, too."

Brian crawled down the bed a bit, sat before Drew, cupped Drew's face in one hand. "Thank you."

Drew held his gaze. Softly, "Thank you."

"I would have waited forever."

"I didn't want you to have to."

"It still would have been worth it. And you know that you don't have to. If you don't want to, if you're not ready, then we won't do it."

"I know. Thank you."

Brian kissed him chastely. "I love you."

"I love you," Drew said.

"God I want you," Nick said. Brian swatted him. Drew smiled.

"How are they?" Howie asked, taking a seat beside Chris on the sofa.

"Lance says they're up now. JC tried to throw him out, too."

"He probably thinks you're interfering. It could have been a lot worse."

"I know." Howie's arm came around him; oh, that felt good. He'd needed that. He cleared his throat. "JC made Justin take a shower and eat. We don't think they've even kissed yet, but they can't stop touching each other."

"Physical affection and sexual affection are different things."

"Yeah. They were always pretty big on both."

Howie smiled. "Is JC taking care of himself, too? Or just Justin?"

"No, he's taking care of himself, too. He got up and got all ready first, then went back and woke up Justin. And after he made sure Justin was eating, he ate, too."

"That's good."

"Lance said they don't talk much."

"They will."

"I always thought I had normal friends. This was really scary. Is really scary."

"It'll get better."

"I'm just waiting for something else to happen. Something bad."

"If it does...we'll be here. I'll be here."

"Hey, this is Jeff."

"Hi. It's Nick. Nick Carter Littrell Lachey."

"I know who it is. You just like to say all of that."

"It sounds good."

"It does."

"Are you...did you..."

"Yes, I'm still ready to go through with it, and no, I haven't told Nick."

"You're not going to, are you?"

"No. You talked to Brian and Drew?"

"Yeah. They think I'm nuts, and now Drew's all worried about Nick. I hope I didn't guilt-trip him into doing this. I don't want it to be like that."

"If that's all it were, Drew wouldn't do it."

"You're right."

"We'll be over in half an hour, okay?"

"Can you wear the thong?"

"Maybe." Click.

"Damn."

"How are you doing, baby?"

"Okay," Justin said, and even though he didn't take his eyes from the TV screen, he reached for JC's hand. JC dropped down beside him, and he leaned over, resting against JC's chest.

"You feel like going out?"

"For what?"

"Just get outside. Don't you miss your basketball? And we haven't gone clubbing in ages."

"No."

"No?"

"I want to stay here."

"We could go to the studio."

"That's where I sent them first."

"Who?"

"Chris. I called Lance and he came over and I called Joey and he came over and I called Chris and he came over and everybody went out to find you and I said to check the studio first and that's where Chris went. With Howie. To the studio. To find you. And you weren't there."

"I'm right here, baby. I've always been right here with you."

"Stay."

"I will, Justin. I'll stay right here where I belong. With you."

"He said what?"

"That he'd always been there. I don't know what that means. It could be a psychological thing, how their hearts are united and in a metaphysical sense they're always together."

"Or JC could be nuts and he's totally forgotten that he ran off and got a gun and tried to kill himself."

"Yeah."

"Shit."

"I don't know why we're here," Nick said. "Unless you have a date with Nick."

"If I were here for a date, I wouldn't bring you," Jeff said.

"You probably would."

"Are you bitter and jealous?"

"No."

Jeff kissed him. "I'll be good. I promise. I'll try not to let my overwhelmingly potent sexuality destroy your evening."

"Thanks."

Jeff rang the doorbell. "Don't tell Nick I'm wearing the thong."

"I can't believe you put that on again."

"Second and last time ever. Tonight, it goes in the trash can."

Brian opened the door. "Hey, come on in. Drew's upstairs. Nick's-"

"Nick's right here," Nick said, coming into the foyer quickly. "Hi, Jeff."

"Hey," Jeff said.

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Sure."

"In private?"

"No," Nick said.

"I wasn't talking to you," Nick said. "Come on," he said to Jeff.

"I'm not letting you alone with him," Nick said to Nick.

"You're not invited," Nick said.

"What do you have to say to Jeff that you can't say in front of the rest of us?" Nick asked.

"We're talking about you behind your back," Nick said. "Brian can come. Okay? Then you don't have to worry about Jeff's reputation."

"Make it quick."

"Start timing," Nick said, and took Jeff's hand, then Brian's, and led them down the hallway.

Nick scowled and leaned against the bannister. That...self-centered immature oversexed-

He heard footsteps on the stairs and looked.

Naked feet.

Worn denim snug in just the right places, just starting to slip down slim hips.

Black ribbed tank shirt, hugging pecs, hinting at sleek abs, baring developed arms.

"Hey. Thought I heard you come in." Drew stopped near the bottom of the stairs, facing Nick over the railing. "Finally, I'm taller than you are."

"Don't get smug."

"Where's everybody?"

"Talking about me behind my back."

"That'll be a short conversation."

"You're funny."

"You feel like going out?"

"Where?"

"We'll find someplace. Just us."

"Us? You and me?"

"Yeah, us. Unless you're afraid to be seen with me in public. I know how embarrassing I can be."

"I've learned to live with it."

"Good. Let's go." Drew opened the hall closet and found shoes.

"Now?"

"Yeah, now. They're busy. They'll never notice."

"Shouldn't we at least tell them?"

"Jeff!" Drew shouted.

"What?" Jeff shouted.

"I'm taking Nick out. I'll have him home by the end of the week." Drew scooped his keys from the ledge by the door. "Let's go."

"Are you feeling okay?"

"You know what?" Drew asked, and paused in the doorway to smile. "I've never felt better."

"JC?"

JC, who'd been passing through the living room, came over to the sofa. Justin, in the lotus position, tugged on JC's hand. JC knelt before him, looking into his face. "What is it, angel?"

Justin's hand guided JC's forward, closer, pressed it to his groin, held it there. JC felt the warmth, the stirring hardness.

"Okay, baby," JC said. "I can take care of that for you. Let's go to bed, okay?"

"No."

"It'll be better in there."

"Do it here."

It wasn't JC's job to ask why. "Okay, baby. Give me a minute, I'll come right back." He tugged his hand free and slipped to the kitchen, where Lance was reading a magazine. "Get out right now."

"JC-"

"Lance, get out right now or I'll throw you out. Don't make me."

"I can't."

JC leaned across the table, hand fisting in Lance's shirt, pulling Lance to his face. "Lance, I love you, you're one of the best friends I'll ever have, get the fuck out of this apartment right now or I will hurt you."

It wasn't so much JC's words as JC's intensity, the clenching of his muscles, the fierce glitter in his blue eyes. Lance wondered whether this had anything to do with that protective instinct that mother bears were supposed to have for their cubs. Frankly, he'd rather face a pissed-off mama bear than JC right now. He left.

JC locked the front door and went back to Justin. "How are you doing, baby?"

Justin frowned past JC at the television. "I'm hard."

"You want me to take care of that for you?"

"Yes." Justin changed the channel.

"Okay, baby. Let me help you." He already knew that Justin had nothing on under those light gray sweatpants. He reached in under the waistband and lifted out Justin's cock. Half-hard, quickening under his touch. "What do you want, Justin? Tell me what you want to make you feel good."

"I don't know." Dissatisfied, Justin changed the channel. "Look. JC."

JC glanced over his shoulder and saw their old "Bye Bye Bye" video.

"I want you," Justin said.

"You have me, baby. Tell me what I can do for you."

"I want to get my dick sucked."

"Okay, Justin. Can you turn off the TV?" The TV died. "Thank you."

"Where's Chris?"

"He went home."

"Where's Lance?"

"He went home."

"My cock's hard."

"I know, baby. I'll take care of it for you."

"You're so nice." Justin gasped. "That feels good."

Nick and Drew had been out all night, just spending time together. They'd eaten outside and window-shopped, visited a tattoo parlor without committing to anything, club-hopped for all of half an hour, spent fifteen minutes in a sports bar before figuring out that the Orlando crowd didn't share their tastes, spent way too much time arguing over which movie to see before realizing that the theaters were closed, and went home. Drew drove Nick to his apartment, parked and walked him to the front doors of the building. They talked for another hour, just standing there in the summer night, but they were recognized again and slipped inside, went up to Nick's apartment. The apartment was dark, and Jeff was probably asleep, and Drew had to go anyway, and then they were kissing, so sweet and soft and slow, deeper, wet, tongue, oh god...

"I love you," Drew whispered, and left.

JC opened the door. "What?"

"You okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Is Justin okay?"

"He's sleeping."

"Can I come in?"

"No." JC closed and relocked the door.

Nick sat on the edge of the bed and watched Jeff sleep. He looked at Jeff's eyelashes, the steady rise and fall of Jeff's chest, the relaxed curl of Jeff's fingers. Time passed. "Wake up. Wake up."

"Nick? What time is it?"

"I'm in love with you."

"That's good." Jeff kicked off the covers and resettled himself, eyes closing again.

"I don't want you to flirt with Nick anymore."

"Okay. I won't."

"Jeff?"

"Go to sleep."

"Marrying you is the best thing I've ever done."

"Me, too."

matthew@matthewtime.com
"Destiny" Part Five
"Destiny" page
"Living" series page
RPS page
Home

Matthew here. I in no way condone suicide. Depression is a serious illness and must be treated as such. JC and Justin's psychological recovery time is as unrealistic as anything else depicted in this series.