Copyright May 28, 2001 by Matthew Haldeman-Time
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: JC Chasez/Brian Littrell
Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys and *NSYNC are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.
Dedication: This slashfic is for Ewan McGregor and the Savage Garden slashwriters.
Wherein JC speaks, stutters, and scratches.
Notice: First read "Coming." Then you may read "Come." Hey, it'll take you like two seconds. Don't fuss at me.
Oh, and, hey, my sister thinks
that I have a cult. Just thought I'd let you know.
After breakfast, he closed the refrigerator door and turned around and Brian hugged him, held on, a strong hug, soft hair, cotton-covered shoulders broader than he'd expected, body slenderer than he'd expected. He let himself return the embrace, let his hand run down Brian's back. Then Brian let go, pulled away, and said, "I'd kiss you but I should brush my teeth."
Then Brian went to brush his teeth.
Then they went out.
Brian never did kiss him. Because it had been a joke. And he'd known that.
Brian was gay. Brian liked to kiss men. Brian didn't want to kiss him. They were friends. Good friends, platonic friends. Close. Not that close. Just friends. Brian wasn't interested in him.
JC didn't know why not, and didn't know how to ask, either. Wasn't he cute enough? Wasn't he Brian's type? Why was he good friend material but not attractive to Brian?
He didn't know what he'd do if Brian were attracted to him. He was straight. That might ruin their friendship.
But he also didn't know why he wasn't good enough to be attracted to.
He asked. They were sitting on the sofa. It was dark outside. "Why don't you want me?"
Cheerful confusion. "I do want you."
He hadn't been expecting that.
"I'm very attracted to you, JC. I know you're straight and I respect that, I have to respect that. I still want to be your friend."
"Attracted," he stuttered through the syllables, "to me."
Brian smiled. "Very. I don't want you to be uncomfortable. I'm not going to come on to you. Not now, not later. I know who I am and I know what I can't have. Who I can't have."
JC scratched his cheek.
"I love you, JC."
There...had to be...something...
"If I can accept that you're in *NSYNC and still be your friend, you can accept that I love you and still be my friend."
His fingers itched.
"JC." Brian's hand caught his chin before their lips met.
"I want to kiss you let me kiss you," he whispered, feeling his heart race, his gaze moving from Brian's mouth up to Brian's eyes and down again.
"You don't want to."
He did, he did want to.
"I'm respecting you," Brian asked. "Please respect me."
He was hurting Brian. Brian let go of him and he sat back, bit by bit. He hadn't meant it like that. He hadn't... Brian loved him and wanted him and wanted to kiss him, took that seriously, because it meant something. And he couldn't kiss Brian because it wouldn't be fair to Brian. Because he was straight and Brian couldn't have him and he couldn't jeopardize their friendship by playing with Brian like that. Treating Brian like that.
JC's heart stopped floating.
Brian's hand was on his face again. "JC. What's wrong?"
He tried to pull away. "Nothing-"
"Your eyes," Brian said. "JC, if you're worried about, if you... Talk to me. You can always talk to me."
"My eyes?"
"The light went out," Brian said. "Tell me why."
"I have to, either, your friendship or sex and I can't have both and if I try to get sex then you'll think and maybe but it won't be and..." He stopped talking, not because he wasn't making any sense but because Brian was beginning to understand.
"We can make love," Brian said. "If that's what you want, JC, we can. It doesn't have to be forever. I can give that to you."
"I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to lose you."
"I'm strong enough for this," Brian said, and his voice was soft. "We can make love tonight. If that's what you want. It's your choice, JC. You can say no. You can wait."
"Wait?"
"It's not a one-time-only offer," Brian said. "You can say no tonight and ask me again in two months or three years. But it can't be sometimes. It's tonight. Or it's later. Or it's always. Or it's never. But I can't...I'm not strong enough for anything else. Once. All of the time. Or never."
JC hurt inside.
Brian saw that pain and couldn't help him. It was up to JC.
He had to decide.