"Change"

Change

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairing: Nick Carter/Howie Dorough

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

I began this story when I went to see Backstreet in Las Vegas, and got several pages into it, when it took a wrong turn and became Another Slash Cliché. So I dropped it. Then I came back to it, tried again, and got this.

The main inspiration for this story (and several other ideas running around my head) is the latest BSB MTV "Diary" (the 2005 one, not the previous around-the-world one).

“Nick!” Howie slapped Nick’s hands away from his face again. “Get off of me!”

Nick poked at Howie’s cheeks some more. “You forgot to shave.”

“I didn’t-” slap “-forget to shave,” Howie said. “This is what my face is supposed to look like.”

“Really?” Nick asked, rubbing his fingers over Howie’s stubble. “You did this on purpose?”

“Nick, if you don’t-”

“What? I’m just messing with you,” Nick said with a grin. “I think you look good, Howie, I think you look real,” kiss, “real,” kiss, “good.”

“God, get away from me,” Howie begged, wiping at his face with both hands. “Now I have Nick cooties all over me.”

“Oh, you want them all over you?” Nick asked, reaching for him.

“No, I - - damn it - - Nick, don’t you-”

“AJ’s talking about marriage again,” Nick said, plopping down beside Howie on the couch, taking a pen from Howie’s hand and fiddling with it.

“I was using that,” Howie said.

“He thinks that he’ll be the next one of us to get married,” Nick said, rolling the pen between his fingers.

“Better him than me,” Howie said, plucking the pen from Nick’s hand. “And God help the woman who even considers a lifetime with you.”

“AJ wants a stable life,” Nick said.

Exasperated, Howie faced his tormentor. “Nicky, I’m trying to write this. Can you let me do this? Do we have to talk about AJ right now? Can you harass Brian or Kevin instead of me?”

“You’re not going to get married, are you?” Nick asked, completely disregarding Howie’s words.

With a frustrated sigh, Howie made a deliberate effort to remain calm. “No, I’m not going to get married. Not any time soon. I’m not looking for that right now.”

First puzzled, then curious, Nick asked, “What are you looking for?”

“Some peace and quiet!” Howie exclaimed. “Please, just go away!”

“Why didn’t you say so?” Nick asked, getting up. “You don’t have to yell at me about it. If I’d known that you were busy, I-”

“Nick, Nick!” Howie said, unable to take any more of it. “Just go away, don’t say another word, just back up slowly and walk away.”

“Slowly?” Nick asked, with a perplexed frown. “How slowly?” He begin to move backward at the rate of one inch an hour. “This slowly? Am I going too fast? Should I start over?”

Howie left the room, hitting him with the pen on the way out.

“Howie. Howie. Howie.”

Howie opened his eyes to find Nick hovering over him on hands and knees, Nick’s nose within millimeters of his own. Oh, god, “Get off of me,” he said, pushing Nick’s chin up and away.

“I want to-” Nick grabbed Howie’s hand and pinned it to the sofa “-talk to you.”

“Nick get off of me,” Howie insisted, free hand shoving Nick’s shoulder. A tussle ensued, which, after a few minutes’ struggle, Howie won. With Nick flushed and breathless and grinning devilishly under him, Howie didn’t know whether to yell, taunt, or laugh.

So he told Nick to leave him alone, and got up.

With a quick jerk, Nick yanked him back. “You didn’t answer my question.”

“You didn’t ask me a question,” Howie said, wondering why conversation with Nick was always needlessly frustrating.

Nick’s legs rose, locking around Howie to keep him from going anywhere. “Don’t you want to get married?”

Of course he did. “Someday,” he said, trying to, damn it, “Let me up.”

“You’re always trying to get away from me and telling me to leave you alone,” Nick said, his tone conversational as he attempted to keep Howie in place. “What’s that about?”

Howie struggled to break free. “It’s about you spending every available minute of the day harassing me.”

“I don’t harass you,” Nick argued, sounding injured. “I just want to talk to you. Oh, hey, move like that again, that feels kind of good.”

Howie became very still.

“I knew that’d get you.” Nick smirked up at him, blue eyes full of knowing amusement.

“You have serious psychological problems,” Howie said, twisting out of Nick’s hold despite Nick’s protests, climbing off of him to stand. “Get back to me after you’ve seen a few therapists.”

“I don’t want to see a few therapists,” Nick said, sitting up and tugging his clothes back into order. “I want to see you,” he added with a charming smile.

Howie wasn’t about to fall for that.

Nick kissed him a second before they went onstage. Right on the mouth, too. “You son-of-a-bitch,” Howie said, scrubbing the back of his hand over his lips, but Nick just flicked a long pink tongue at him and then the show began.

Howie tried to talk to Brian about it, but Brian said that Nick was Nick and always would be.

Howie tried to talk to Kevin about it, but Kevin said that he’d never learned the secret to taming Nick and, at this point, probably never would.

Howie tried to talk to AJ about it, but AJ told him to lighten up and let Nick be Nick. “He loves you, man, he’s just showing it.”

“Nick loves the rest of you, too,” Howie said. “Why doesn’t he torment you?”

“He does,” AJ said. “Just not as much. Maybe you’re more fun to tease. Maybe you react better. Maybe he loves you more.”

Howie couldn’t afford for Nick to love him more. The situation was already too torturous as it was. All of Nick’s attention was daily torment. Hourly torment. Having Nick around every second of the day was bad enough, in and of itself, but Nick kept touching him, hugging him, poking at him, kissing him. Kissing him. Howie had decided long ago that kissing Nick back was out of the question, so he was locked in a constant tug-of-war with himself, pushing Nick away when all he wanted to do was pull Nick closer.

He’d kept waiting for Nick to grow up, grow out of this phase. And Nick had grown up…in every other respect. But Nick still found great joy in teasing, harassing, and annoying. Instead of becoming more dignified, Nick only got bolder.

Sometimes Howie wondered if Nick knew how he really felt. Sometimes there was a certain gleam in Nick’s eye, or Nick’s hands would linger too long, or new emphasis would fall on a certain word, and Howie would wonder. Did Nick love Howie back? Did Nick feel that strong, emotional, sexual pull between them?

But Howie had been over those ideas in his head so many times that he knew all of the arguments, for and against, too well. And it all came down to one fact. When Nick kissed him, Nick pulled away, laughing. For Nick, it was all in fun. For Nick, it was all a joke.

For Howie, it was hell. Hell where gorgeous, captivating Nick, so full of life and so full of warmth, loved him, and kissed him, and still saw him as only a friend.

Howie sat on Nick’s hotel bed and watched Nick eat. He enjoyed watching Nick eat. And talk. And sleep. And breathe. Nick was a feast for the eyes. Howie had pored over every inch. “Kevin said six o’clock.”

“Okay.” Nick chewed, looking at him. “You want some?”

As much as he enjoyed watching Nick eat, he didn’t always approve of what Nick ate. “It is good?” Howie asked, eyeing it dubiously.

“Here.” Nick offered him a bite.

Howie’s dubious gaze now studied Nick’s hand. “I’m not eating from your fingers. God only knows where they’ve been.”

Nick set down the bit of chicken, loudly sucked each finger, all ten in a row, and picked up the chicken again, offering it anew.

That display had been so lewd Howie’s dick was hard. “You’re disgusting,” he said, pretending to be disturbed by the sight of Nick’s wet, freshly licked fingers.

The chicken nudged Howie’s lips. “You know you want it,” Nick teased, grinning.

Oh, god, did he. “Get your hand out of my face,” Howie said, edging back.

“It’s delicious,” Nick said in a cajoling, sing-song voice. “Come on, Howie, you know you want it.”

“What I want is to spend ten minutes in a row with you without my blood pressure spiking,” Howie said, pushing aside Nick’s hand.

“You can feel your own blood pressure going up?” Nick asked, popping the chicken into his own mouth. “Wow, how old were you when that started?”

Howie couldn’t take much more of this, or, in fact, any more of this. It was definitely time to switch tactics. He’d tried asking nicely, ignoring, fighting back, and striking first. It couldn’t hurt to try something new.

“Nick,” he said, sounding as calm as possible, “do you love me?”

“Love you, of course I love you,” Nick said, eating more chicken.

It was amazing to hear how easily Nick said those words to him. It did the most wonderful things to his heart. “And harassing me is how you express that?” Howie asked. It made as much sense as Nick could ever make.

“Yeah,” Nick said. “And it gives me something to do.”

“You-”

“When are you going to get married?” Nick asked suddenly, looking directly at him.

“What?” Couldn’t they just have one normal, linear discussion? Couldn’t Howie complete one topic of conversation before Nick leapt to another? Couldn’t-

“When are you going to get married?” Nick repeated.

“I don’t know, not anytime soon,” Howie said. “Not for years, the way things look right now.” Why was Nick preoccupied with this subject? Why did it keep popping up?

“Kevin and Brian already did it, AJ’s talking about it. You’ll be next,” Nick said. He looked resentful. Angry? Hurt?

“You’ll get married before I will,” Howie said. “If you’re worried about being left behind-”

“I’m not worried about me,” Nick interrupted. “I’m worried about you.”

Why? Howie didn’t get it. “If you think that once I get married, our friendship will change-”

“I don’t want you to get married,” Nick said.

Howie frowned, not understanding. “Tell me why not.”

“I just don’t,” Nick said. “I know that AJ wants it, and if that’s what he wants then I want it for him. Kevin and Brian are happy and I’m happy for them. But I don’t want you to get married.”

“Why not?” Howie demanded. “What’s different about me?” Why wouldn’t Nick want him to-

“I don’t want anyone else to be more important to you than I am,” Nick said. “I don’t want anyone else to take up your time and your brain and your emotions like I do. I don’t want anyone else to make you happy and crazy and pissed off like I do. I don’t want anyone else to be the center of your world like I am.” Nick’s gaze was scared and knowing and defiant. “I don’t want you to be in love with anyone else like you’re in love with me.”

Howie didn’t know what to say. He felt like something massive had slammed right into him, bruising his chest and knocking him onto his ass. What had Nick just said to him?

Nick’s cheeks were pink. His nostrils flared. His eyes dared Howie to say the wrong thing.

What were his options?

“I’ll never love anyone as much as I love you,” were the first words out of his mouth.

He’d said it. He’d really said it. To Nick, face-to-face.

Nick frowned. Smiled, like he wanted to believe. Frowned again, like he was afraid he wanted to believe too strongly and had misunderstood.

Howie loved watching Nick’s face. It was wonderfully expressive.

“You are the center of my world,” Howie said. “That’s why I haven’t married. I can’t get married until that changes, so…” He had to confess it. “I don’t think that I ever will get married.”

Nick swallowed and looked away. Howie couldn’t tell what he was thinking.

Howie had never put it into words before. Never arranged his various thoughts and impulses and desires into anything this coherent or honest. He wasn’t sure that it had been the right thing to do.

“Guys!” Someone rapped loudly at the door. “Five minutes! Let’s go!”

“Go ahead,” Nick said, without looking at him. “Tell him I’ll be right there.”

“Okay.” Howie wanted to reach out and touch Nick. Say the right thing to reassure him. Make love with him. “Don’t be late.” He winced.

Nick’s voice came from far away; his thoughts were somewhere else. “I won’t be.”

“I don’t want anyone else to be more important to you than I am. I don’t want anyone else to take up your time and your brain and your emotions like I do. I don’t want anyone else to make you happy and crazy and pissed off like I do. I don’t want anyone else to be the center of your world like I am.”

No one ever could be. Having Nick as the center of his world left Howie dizzy, breathless, and constantly stunned and amazed; it was like riding a rollercoaster. Nick gripped his emotions; when Nick was up, Howie’s heart beat faster. When Nick was down, Howie wanted to do anything to make it better.

And the things that being around Nick did to Howie’s body…

No one got to him like Nick did. In any way. Nick made him more happy and more frustrated and more protective and more aroused than anyone.

He was less inhibited around Nick. More willing to drop his insecurities and just do something, even something crazy. Nick brought a better, stronger, fuller Howie out of him. He felt more complete, thanks to Nick. More confident. Even sexier.

“I don’t want you to be in love with anyone else like you’re in love with me.”

What did Nick mean?

Nick was used to the world revolving around him. Was this just an extension of that? Nick was beautiful and generous and affectionate and talented, but he was also moody, sensitive, and used to getting his own way. Maybe, with Brian and Kevin’s attention now permanently drawn somewhere else, and AJ thinking about marriage, Nick saw Howie as the last of a precious, dying breed. Did Nick want to own him, to compensate for other losses?

Or did Nick want his attention, his love, his devotion for other reasons?

Was Nick willing to give as good as he got?

Did Nick want Howie? Personally? Sexually?

Nick had placed demands, but Nick hadn’t given anything back. Howie knew what Nick wanted, but not why. He couldn’t do anything until he understood.

He’d already said too much. He’d already put his heart out there for Nick’s devouring. He couldn’t go another step further without a sign.

That night, Nick was withdrawn from everyone. The next morning, Nick seemed fine but wouldn’t go near him. Then, that evening, when they got offstage, Nick, sweaty and flushed and grinning hugely, kissed him right on the mouth.

Reacting the way he’d trained himself to, Howie pushed Nick away, shuddering. “Get off of me.” For a second, he absolutely panicked - - what if Nick took his rejection the wrong way, what if Nick thought-

But Nick’s smile was as wide and bright as ever. “You sing real pretty, Howie.”

The sight of Nick’s smile was like a sunburst in his soul. God, he’d needed that affirmation. “Thanks, Nicky.” He rubbed his hand over his mouth and said, as usual, the opposite of what he meant, knowing the effect it would have. He was such a glutton for punishment. “Don’t ever kiss me on the mouth again.”

“No?” Nick asked, and reached for him, reeling him in. “Where should I kiss you instead? Here?”

“Nick!” he protested, twisting away as Nick kissed his cheek. “Nick, if you don’t - - no licking! No licking!”

A few nights later, Howie crawled into his bunk to sleep. The motion of the bus rocked him quickly to dreamland.

Then, abruptly, sleep was broken.

He didn’t even bother to open his eyes. Everyone else was on the other bus; there could be only one person who’d do this to him. “Nick,” he grumbled, pushing Nick away with one irritated hand.

“Hey, Howie,” Nick whispered, tickling his ribcage.

“Go away.” Howie rolled onto his stomach, facing away from Nick.

Completely undeterred, Nick crawled right into the bunk with him. He felt Nick kneel over him, and squeezed his eyes shut, refusing to be wakened, or to admit to being wakened.

“Howie,” Nick whispered. There was glee in his voice. That wasn’t good.

Warm fingers stroked up his back, under his T-shirt. Lifting it a few inches, baring skin. Howie tensed, wondering what Nick intended to do to him. With Nick, there was no way to guess.

Soft, so soft, warm, gentle kisses. Oh, oh… A tender flicker of tongue, more kisses, across the small of Howie’s back. Oh, god, Nick had never done this before, this was new, and Howie flushed with a shock of heat as he realized that Nick had come to him. Come to him for something that felt so much like sex already, Howie was rock-hard.

Oh, god, what did Nick want, what did Nick want from him?

“Mmm, Howie, you taste good.” Nick’s caresses were seductive and arousing, while Nick’s voice was sly and teasing and playful, and the contradiction made Howie’s dick throb. Curling his fingers in, Howie said, “Nick, get out of here,” but his voice was desperate and caught in the middle as Nick sucked ever so sweetly and made his breath stutter.

“We’re on a bus,” Nick said. “Where am I supposed to go?” His fingers hooked under the waistband of Howie’s track pants and tugged down.

He didn’t know what to do, he knew what he so desperately wanted but he didn’t know what Nick ultimately wanted from him and he didn’t know what to do, so he stuck with years of experience. “Don’t you-”

“Better be careful,” Nick said, and Howie could hear his smile. “You keep telling me to stop and I just might.”

Howie shut up.

Nick chuckled, and Howie’s cheeks burned. He’d been caught; Nick knew. Had Nick known all along?

When Nick tugged again, easing his pants down, Howie didn’t fight it, but he also didn’t cooperate. He felt the material, not just his pants but his underwear too, sliding down his thighs, exposing his ass; Nick stopped just above his knees.

“I was going to give you head, but you rolled over,” Nick said. “There are a lot of things I could do back here.” Nick’s fingers grazed his ass, first brushing across, then stroking up and down the cleft. “This is a great view. You have one sexy ass, Howie.”

This teasing, erotic touch, it drove his body crazy while his mind tried to understand. Give him head, Nick had just said, Nick’s mouth, did Nick-

Oh, oh - - oh! Oh, yes, oh, Howie gritted his teeth so he wouldn’t moan aloud as Nick’s finger rubbed and pressed against his asshole. Forcing back a groan, he turned his face to the pillow, hiding his expression as heat flashed through his body. Yes, yes… Oh, Nick…

“How’s that feel?” Nick’s voice was quiet, but still bright and conversational. “I’d love to fuck you, but I don’t have any lube. I’d love to get in there. You have a damned sexy ass. I spend all damned day staring at it, watching it.”

Nick wanted him. Despite the casual tone of Nick’s voice, Howie took Nick’s words very seriously, and knew that behind the simple declarations lay a depth of desire. The slow, gentle caress of Nick’s fingers had Howie’s asshole quivering, his insides curling into each other as his arousal pushed against the mattress.

“Maybe if we find some lube later, I could fuck you,” Nick suggested. “Or you could fuck me. Do you want to fuck me, Howie?” Nick’s touch drifted away from his asshole, stroking down to his thighs. Howie shuddered, tensing as need shot through him. His hungry body betrayed him, encouraging Nick, his thighs spreading, his back arching slightly to offer his ass.

“I know what you want,” Nick said, and his voice was completely different now, low and full of lust, soft with need that threaded through his voice and pulsed in Howie’s veins. “Should I give you what you want, Howie?” His hands cupped Howie’s ass, squeezing, and Howie couldn’t smother that moan soon enough. Nick wasn’t playing anymore, and they were both, now, suddenly, long past the point of pretending that their extended back-and-forth push-pull relationship was anything but this: sexual, erotic, and serious.

All of these years of playing, teasing, flirting, and joking had been about loving each other. Desiring each other. Wanting to be so much more than platonic friends. They’d been dancing around this for too long. Nick wasn’t willing to wait anymore.

Neither was Howie. Now that Nick had pushed through the barriers, Howie couldn’t let Nick retreat ever again.

“I’ve seen you watching my mouth,” Nick whispered, and the tip of his tongue drew a delicate line up a few exposed inches of Howie’s spine. Shivering, Howie whispered Nick’s name, dick throbbing urgently. “I’ve seen you staring at it. I know you want to know how it feels.”

He did, he did, oh, god, he did. Nick’s mouth was amazing, it looked so soft, it stayed so pink, and every time that Nick had kissed him Howie had fought valiantly to suppress the heated blush that spread across his face, a slight indicator of the fire that burned through his body. Nick was gorgeous, Nick was so hot and so sexy and so damned casual about it that it drove Howie out of his mind. Thinking about Nick’s mouth made him hard, so he tried not to think about it, but sometimes…

“Roll over, Howie.” Nick brushed slow kisses across his waist. “Roll over so I can suck you off.”

Suck him - - Nick’s mouth - - it was an offer he could never refuse, and Howie’s dick pulsed eagerly in quick response as he drew his legs in, wriggling out of his shirt as he rolled onto his back. Kicking his pants off, he immediately felt Nick’s hand pushing his thighs further apart. The bunk was dark, and in the dim light he couldn’t see everything he wanted to, but Nick was there with him, Nick was touching him, Nick wanted him, and he didn’t need to know more than that.

When Nick’s hand slid over his erection, fingers trailing up to the head, Howie groaned, drawn to the edge by Nick’s touch. “You’re so hard,” Nick murmured, his voice low and filled with knowing desire. “You’re so ready for my mouth.”

Mouth, yes, Nick’s mouth. Panting, Howie reached out, hands finding the warmth of Nick’s body and pulling at Nick’s T-shirt, encouraging Nick forward, wanting. Needing. He needed Nick to fuck him, to suck his dick, to kiss him and make out with him and touch him everywhere; he needed to feel Nick’s body against his, to explore with his hands and his mouth, to experience Nick and learn how to push Nick’s sexual buttons the way Nick had been pushing his nonsexual ones for years.

Instead of coming up to kiss him, Nick leaned down, and the swirl of Nick’s tongue over the head of his dick made Howie gasp and cry out, his body jerking in overwhelmed response to the warm, wet caress. Sinking his fingers into Nick’s hair, Howie moaned, breathless, powerless against the stroking of Nick’s tongue, the soft affection of Nick’s lips, the teasing suction that made his body shake.

Nick’s right hand held his erection steady, sometimes pumping him in rhythm with each mind-bending suck as he writhed and moaned and tugged on Nick’s hair. Nick’s left hand cupped his balls, fondling him and making his toes curl, before caressing his perineum and sliding back to flirt with his asshole. Aching, Howie couldn’t take the extra stimulation, and as Nick slowly, gradually nudged one finger inside, a squeeze from Nick’s hand combined with a lingering suck from Nick’s mouth made Howie explode, calling out desperately as he came apart. It was a sudden, white-hot rush, and all Howie had time to think of was Nick, Nick’s mouth, Nick, before the burn was too bright and there was only ecstasy.

“Ow.” Nick pushed away his hands, and Howie opened his fingers with a sudden pang of guilt. Releasing Nick’s hair, he ran his hands over Nick’s shoulders instead, down Nick’s back, encouraging Nick to come closer.

Apparently following his own agenda, Nick refused the invitation to Howie’s mouth, pausing instead to kiss, lick, and suck various patches of skin, including Howie’s thighs, stomach, and pelvic bone. It felt too good, and Howie wasn’t ready for that rollercoaster again. “Nick.” He ran his fingers through Nick’s hair again, moaning and briefly closing his eyes as Nick’s mouth found a particularly sensitive spot on his hip. “Nick, please. Nick,” god, “Nicky… Oh…” Yes, yes, ah… Nick’s tongue stroked over Howie’s nipple, and Howie’s fingers curled in Nick’s hair. “Please…”

Nick flicked on the light. Howie blinked against the abrupt flare of brightness, taken by surprise, as he often was, with Nick.

With a quiet, smug sound, Nick trailed his fingers down Howie’s chest. “I love the way you look.”

Howie stared, breathless. Nick’s lips were red from use, his cheeks pink with heat, his shaggy blond hair in casual disarray from Howie’s own hands. He had on a white T-shirt, and there was an obvious bulge in his cargo shorts. Nick’s eyes were bright with desire as his gaze traveled Howie’s naked body.

The sight of Nick’s arousal made Howie want to roll over and offer his ass. The instinct was as strong as it was sudden, and he almost gave in to it - - until Nick’s eyes met his.

His heart pounded. Nick’s gaze was direct, knowing, curious. Filled with fierce love and passionate desire and a cluster of questions. Is this okay? Can this happen now? Did I make my move too soon? Am I too late?

Years of denied instinct collided with years of behavior, and for a fast second Howie’s brain was a jumble of competing responses. But after that second, his heart supplied the answers.

Scooting until his back was to the wall, he pulled Nick down for a kiss, not letting Nick deny him this time. Nick’s kiss was slow and experienced and shy, and when Howie’s fingers stroked Nick’s neck, Nick’s kiss-muffled sound of desire made Howie warm in a whole new way.

“Nicky,” Howie whispered, caressing Nick’s cheek, giving Nick soft, chaste kisses. “Can you warn me next time before you decide to jump me on the bus?”

“What makes you think there’s going to be a next time?” Nick asked, cupping his ass in one hand and drawing him closer. Even through clothes, he felt the heat of Nick’s body; and when the hardness of Nick’s erection pressed against his stomach, he ground against it, moaning, aching inside at the thought of-

“God, Howie.” Nick groaned, holding him tighter. “That feels, fuck-”

Nick was so hard and it felt so big and Howie wanted it, wanted him, all of him. Kissing Nick hungrily, Howie slid his hands under Nick’s clothes, greedy for the sensation of his hot, smooth skin. “There’s lube in my suitcase.”

“That’s under the fucking bus,” Nick said, pulling Howie under himself, rocking tightly against Howie’s body. “God, I’m so fucking hard, I almost came when you, god…”

“Fuck me tonight,” Howie panted, pushing his hand down the front of Nick’s pants. Hot and so hard, so ready, fucking his grip. Nick groaned like it hurt, braced on his elbows over Howie, thrusting urgently. “Fuck me in the hotel.”

“Damn, don’t say that, don’t-”

“I want it,” Howie whispered, squeezing gently. “I need it, Nicky, fuck my ass.”

“Oh, god, oh, god.” Resting his forehead on Howie’s, Nick bit down on his lower lip.

“I want you, Nick,” Howie said. “I’ve wanted you for years, I need you to fuck me tonight, I need you to fuck me now, I need-”

“Howie-”

“I can’t take one more day of needing you like this, I have to have you, you have to give it to me, Nick, you have to fuck me tonight.”

“Oh, oh - - Howie - - oh, god, ah, ah, ah-” Nick’s eyes squeezed shut tightly, his face drawing up into a grimace, and then warm jism splattered Howie’s chest. Not wanting to let go, loving the feel of Nick’s erection, the size and heat and hardness of it, Howie continued to jack it gently, pulling out more strands of cum. Finally, when Nick started to breathe again, Howie let go, stroking Nick’s stomach, kissing him.

Nick’s eyes opened.

Howie ran his fingers down Nick’s cheek. “I didn’t know you knew I’ve been watching your mouth.”

Nick licked his lips.

Howie’s lips parted as his eyes glazed over.

Nick grinned at him.

Oh! Realizing, Howie pinched Nick. “You nasty little flirt, that’s not fair.”

“I’ve been watching you, too,” Nick said. His gaze was serious; his voice was a soft confession. “Everything about you.” The loving kisses that Nick brushed over Howie’s skin in a winding path from mouth to ear made Howie close his eyes against how perfect the moment was. “I love you,” Nick whispered against his neck. “I love everything about you. I love how sexy you are and how flirtatious you are and how sweet you are. I love how you dance and I love how you sing and I love how hard you work and I love how much you let me annoy you. I love how generous you are and how nice you are and I love the way you look.” When Nick’s head lifted, and Nick’s gaze slid across his face, Howie’s heart contracted as affection, desire, and awe drifted through Nick’s expression. “I wish I could tell you how much I love you.”

He’d wanted Nick to love him, but he never could have imagined it like this. He’d never thought that he’d hear this from Nick. Howie’s throat was tight with emotion. “I wish that I could explain how much I love you,” he admitted softly, stroking his fingers back through Nick’s hair. Nick, Nick loved him, he’d loved Nick so much for so long, and he’d thought that this moment would never come.

When Nick kissed him, Howie returned the kiss, slowly, luxuriating in the eroticism of Nick’s mouth, desire and arousal simmering within.

The love Nick gave him made Howie feel everything he’d always wanted, and more.

Epilogue:

“Nick.”

“Hmm,” Nick said, crossing out one word and writing two more.

“Nick,” Howie repeated, standing behind his chair at the table.

“What?” Nick asked, distracted.

Howie ran his fingers through Nick’s hair, tugging gently.

“Give me a minute,” Nick said.

Howie stroked Nick’s nape. Studied Nick’s shoulders. Let his gaze follow the path of Nick’s spine down to Nick’s ass. Licked his lips. “Nicky.”

“God, can I get shit done around here?” Nick asked, exasperated. “Go bother somebody else for once.”

Howie glared at the back of Nick’s head, then lightly smacked it and turned away, walking off to-

“Get back here,” Nick said, laughing. “Howie, come on, c’mere. What’d you want?”

“I didn’t want anything,” Howie said, although he did walk back to Nick’s chair.

“You didn’t want anything?” Nick asked, pushing his chair back and negotiating Howie between himself and the table.

“I thought that you should know that we have to be ready by four.” Howie lifted himself up to sit on the edge of the table.

“What time is it now?” Nick asked, skimming both hands up Howie’s back and nuzzling Howie’s stomach.

Oh, mmm… Letting his head fall back, Howie curled his fingers in Nick’s hair, closing his eyes. “Three…thirty,” he breathed, putting one hand back for balance.

“Did you lock the door?” Nick asked, and sucked hard on Howie’s nipple through his shirt.

Oh, god, Nick. “I always do,” Howie said, moaning as Nick’s hands cupped his ass, squeezing.

“Great.” Nick let go, sitting back. “Then come back in fifteen minutes and maybe I’ll have this done by then.”

Howie stared at him in disbelief. He couldn’t be serious.

Nick smiled brightly.

He couldn’t be serious! “Nick-”

“Are you mad at me?” Nick asked, raising his eyebrows. “You sound mad at me.”

“You’re so damned annoying!” Howie exclaimed. “You-”

“Great,” Nick said with a smile. “See you in fifteen minutes.”

“Why did I think that this was going to change?” Howie demanded. “Why did I think that once some things changed, everything would change? I must have been out of my mind! No, I wasn’t just out of my mind, you drove me out of my mind,” he accused. “You’ve done this to me!”

“Yeah.” Nick grinned. “I’d like to do a lot more things to you, too. How many different positions do you think we can try before four o’clock?”

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